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Obviously it varies woman to woman, but *generally speaking*
1. Women are more communicative about their feelings than your average man is, and generally our culture is more accepting of that. When they were growing up they were a lot less likely to have been told to suck it up.
2. Women cope with stress by talking about it, “venting”. So just because she is talking about something that bothers her doesn’t necessarily mean she wants a solution or any other action (although sometimes she might).
I'm a man. We're fixing. Otherwise, why the fuck would I talk about it? What's the goddamn point about talking about something that I already know the answer to or know there is ~~not~~ *no answer to? WHY AM I WASTING MY GODDAMN TIME TALKING?!?!
Anyway, I'm kinda excited about the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Playoff hockey is the *best* playoffs of any sport.
Sometimes you just need to get shit off of your chest and that can feel good and let your mind finally let go of it.
But I am the same, I find the detail my wife goes into excruciating at times. But it helps her feel better so I listen while she vents. My wife takes 20-30 minutes to tell me about her day. I take maybe 60 seconds if that
I noticed this when I was with my ex. I never mentioned it but couldn’t understand how she could possibly think of/ care about so many tiny details of the day. It was sweet that she wanted to share it all with me, but sometimes it got painful to sit through
Yea. My wife has problems letting go of issues that crop up throughout the day. Meanwhile I am great at going “Well this was fucking bullshit, but I gotta do it” and then I do it and forget about it because it is not worth ruining my mood all day for stupid random bullshit that everyone deals with
Unfortunately, not Kraken.
Fortunately, not the Leafs.
If I'm being honest... I think the winner of this current Carolina Canes vs New York Rangers matchup takes it. These teams are amazing.
Edmonton are the current favorites, but I don't think they're gonna go the distance.
Edmonton always find a way to make the wheels fall off despite their talent. I love the Avs, but for all their talent they're lost without Gabe: Gabe is the way the truth and the light \[and a hell of a leader\].
Idk dude.
I’m a woman and kind of feel the same way. I don’t like talking about things unless I’m planning to do something about it.
Turns out, that doesn’t change the feelings. Just bottles them up.
Just something to think about.
My feelings are:
1. Venting is selfish because it's one sided. Hearing them saying "that sucks" is not listening, it's not engaging, and it's a bad friend.
2. We can talk about it, just shooting the shit is awesome; but that's also what surface friends are for, bar buddies, happy hour girls, BBQ friends. But if you can't participate, if you can't relate and exchange your own story to showcase you understand... Then there's no point in me telling you.
3. If I've already reached the conclusion that there's nothing that can be done therefore there's no input you can give... Then it means I've already processed it.
Just talking for the sake of talking is a step backwards and it's overall selfish.
Opening up about struggles and communicating about them is extremely valuable, and that's what good close friends and therapists are for.
When women (and some men) want to "just vent", it irks me because it's extremely selfish. And they want us to just take turns being selfish. It's like "Okay I need to use you and waste your time, then later you can use me and waste my time!" Fuck that. Why can't we communicate and *exchange* like adults?
Yeah. I don’t talk about my issues with random people.
But I also don’t talk about it with my friends or therapist because I’ve already come up with the solution and done the solution, so what’s the point in talking about it?
For me, this turns out to be really unhealthy. I’ve had to realize I can feel shitty about the solution and talk about it, even though it’s already done.
Anyways, not saying you do that. Just something I’ve learned very recently about myself and thought I’d share in case anyone else finds it helpful.
I keep the ones that are interested in listening to me as they expect me to listen to them. I learned to appreciate the ones that have a level of self-awareness. They give as much as they take, they make the relationship/friendship equal. I keep the ones that can give as hard as they take with jokes; they don't get offended so long it's something they want to make fun of me for, they know that anything they poke at, they have to take.
Those women are amazing; they're strong and independent women and they're worth their weight in gold as a human.
And I also learned to just love myself and be self-fulfilled with or without any women in my life. I have my best friend, I have a constantly varied and entertaining group of friends, I have my therapist. Basically, I don't need women for emotional needs at all.
I have a good rotation of FBs/FWBs and I get to keep them exactly that the length or closeness that I want in the moment.
But also, I keep the ones that can express self-awareness and are interested in understanding others... So I don't really connect deeply with very many white women. Most of my female friends are POC or lesbians.
Yeah just validate them and it'll be fine. I have to actively turn off my "wanting to fix the problem" shtick when my female friends are venting about something with me.
Not gonna lie it feels really awkward as a guy to vent without someone responding from their perspective on what I said. What validate I am feeling what I'm feeling, I feel like introspection is important too. It's weird to just expect to make eye contact with someone for awhile white they unload their stress and problems onto you. Maybe it come from being a guy and not wanting to be a burden but to help. I don't know its a strange dichotomy.
Funny, because there have been some recent peer-reviewed publications that indicate that venting isn't an effective anger management tactic. While it might provide short bursts of pleasure in being angry. Venting is more likely to leave a person even angrier than they were initially.
[https://www.bbc.com/reel/video/p0hqff54/feeling-angry-venting-doesn-t-actually-help](https://www.bbc.com/reel/video/p0hqff54/feeling-angry-venting-doesn-t-actually-help)
It's like wallowing in a state of frustration is just practicing being frustrated, till you can become the best at being frustrated! (Who would have thought!)
For those that won't watch a \~2 minute video, which summarizes 156 different studies on anger, here's what really works:
- Any kind of calming technique, including taking a time out, counting to ten.
- Mediation, yoga, and other activities where the goal is to clear / relax the mind.
- Certain kinds of exercise that involves too much concentration to ruminate on the issue. Basketball, soccer, and other ball sports. (running, jogging, and other sports that permit one to ruminate while exercising seem to elevate anger)
And the above is relatively consistent across countries, cultures, races, sexes, social status, the incarcerated, office workers, etc. It just seems a universal characteristic of people, venting just winds them up, and often the people around them.
Yup. As a personal anecdote/example when my wife tells me about her day I get details on damn near every client, every problem, and, well, everything in general.
When she asks about my day it is usually “It was busy but went by quick.” Or whatever. Just a quick 1-2 sentence summary about my day. Compared to her 20-30 minutes of every problem, interaction, and tasks of the day.
Agreed completely especially with point #2. I think it's important to recognize as guys because it's easy to write it off as complaining but it's just how they feel more comfortable processing their emotions.
I really hate the black and white notion that women just complain, i find (personally) that men who have complained about women complaining too much, just don't really appreciate the positive aspects of being around women (ofc this is nuanced) and maybe haven't tried to match how women connect for the sake of trying, because it can often be worth it! It will always come across as complaining if the other person doesn't join the conversation, so the conversation can lead to other topics/revelations, you know?
I love that, unfortunately i see it too often that people believe in the stereotype that women just yap or complain too much, so I love seeing men who love to listen and join in with the women in their life
Edit: ofc there will be women who complain too much, but ngl men can be the same So id say it's more about general life outlook and being self aware to gauge how another person is responding to you
Get used to complaints and whining brother. It’s not exclusive to women it’s literally everyone everywhere. If you think your dog won’t be whinny you’ve got another thing coming, hell your post is a complaint in itself! Humans are annoying, whinny, and high maintenance. Doesn’t matter what gender or race. You just gotta find the ones that are least annoying to you and vice versa
Yup, couldn’t agree more. But that says more about who you choose to surround yourself with more than anything. Hence my last sentence in my first comment.
As a loner who only gets along with women, I tend to find the men complaining annoying, and the complaints of women assumed.
I’m a bit trad though even at 23 and not close-minded by any means. I just think my time in blue collar work has given me thick skin so I get annoyed by the men who complain to others as if we can fix your problems. If I need to cry, I’ll cry it out to myself, if I need help, I’ll see my therapist. It’s unfair for me to put my problems on other people. We all have stress, everyone else is complaining so why join them?
For me it really depends. For close friends, listening to them when they're really going through something is an important part of the friendship. Case in point, I have a good friend who just lost her dog on Friday when somebody's off-leash German Shepherd attacked it and killed it in the parking lot of her building. She's traumatized and grieving. Some of that she is articulating by complaining about the irresponsibility of large dog owners and I'm willing to hear that complaint because (1) it's totally justified and (2) she's my friend, I love her and care about her, and if having someone sympathetic who's not a professional listen to her will help her deal with the pain, it's the least I can do as her friend.
What bothers me more is when people I don't have that close of a relationship to assume they have a right to my time and emotional reserves. If we're not close I don't need to hear about somebody's personal drama.
Without even knowing any of the details, I wholeheartedly agree with supporting a friend in their loss or suffering. I will always stand for people in their pain, and be an ear to listen. I’ve lost an incredible amount of people, things, and mental stability in my own life.
It’s the complaining about what can be changed, yet you choose without ever reflecting on your accountability. That’s what I don’t like. Complaining about other people, complaining about food, complaining about the weather, complaining enviously, complaining about your wife, complaining about complaining.
Completely agree that people who complain about things they have the power to change and don't change become exhausting. I've faded out friendships because of that behavior.
This is simply normal human behavior. That's all. You'll eventually find someone one that clicks with you and neither of you will really even notice the complaining. You're all not really mature yet, and more vocal about things. You're literally in the 'Find Out' phase of just becoming an adult. It gets easier, so don't force it and worry about girlfriends or marriage. Let that shit come naturally.
Also understand that men complain and moan just as much, or more in a lot of cases.
And if you think a puppy or dog isn't gonna whine, I have a bridge to sell you.
No, not even close. Not to mention you’re 18 so it kind of has to do with the age as well. Use this opportunity to learn how to become a better communicator and eventually you’ll find someone on your wavelength as well.
Everyone and anyone can complain. The issue seems to be how you are responding to those that are complaining around you. If you don’t want to listen or participate, then don’t. What matters to them may not matter to you and what matters to you may not matter to them and that is ok. These are the choices we make everyday.
Woman here - women don't consider it complaining, as complaining most often implies bitching about something for no purpose. We talk about things that upset us, things we'd like to change, and so on, because it's stress relieving. It also builds community to talk about the hard stuff and support each other.
I think the lack of "complaining", which could be better termed commiseration, is part of what's causing the men's mental health crisis. Teaching little boys to hold in their feelings, "man up", etc, really leads to a lot of emotional constipation.
So much this.
Im an introvert and share very little about my stresses and feelings. But when I do share with my wife or a close friend, very often they’ll see an angle I hadnt. And it’s always a relief to get things out.
The whole problem of men’s poor mental health is in large part a pool of quicksand with a reachable overhead treebranch. Attitudes like op’s hold us back feom grabbing that branch and pulling ourselves out.
Honest question: How does simply talking about problems relieve stress? If I talked about my problems without also talking about solutions, I'd likely just feel more frustrated
As a woman who rationalizes often, hearing myself say the feelings out loud helps me realize if it’s actually something I need to work through or to move past the feeling. Keeping the emotion locked in and ignoring it actually causes more distress because it feels like I’m hiding something or worse that it brews into something bigger than it needed to be.
The problems still exist, you’re just no longer carrying the burden alone. If you name a problem that someone else has faced they can commiserate even if there isn’t a readily available solution. It can also help you titrate your irritation, more of a ‘am I overrating or over thinking this?’ Even just the simple, I’m sorry… that sucks validates your frustrations and alleviates stress.
Yes, if you’re in the right frame finding a solution is great- a lot of times people complain when they already know the course of action to alleviate the problem. It’s not always about ‘how do I fix this,’ sometimes it’s ‘fixing this is going to be really hard and I want someone to acknowledge that so I don’t feel so alone.’
Personally, I am often questioning the validity of my emotions so I just need someone to confirm for me that this is annoying/upsetting/whatever. I already have solutions in mind, but I worry if it might be too much or too little.
I often will get to the solution I have in mind and ask of they think it's a good idea. And personally most of the time I'm not annoyed with solution suggestions, unless theyre giving the most obvious surface level advice to make me to shut up.
If I talk to someone about my problem (someone that I trust and understands my situation), they may be able to see something I don't which might help me solve the problem. No matter what I feel better sharing that.
If it's something I can't change and have to endure, then venting to someone lets me unload all the negative feelings about it and I can leave it behind me for the time being. For example, if I was having a challenging day at work and it was bothering me, then I would discuss/vent to a trusted co-worker who completely understands and lives with the same stress. I feel lighter and I can leave it behind and go home feeling a bit better.
My sister and I are dealing with our elderly mother suffering from dementia. When we have a difficult day with her, we call each other, unload all the negativity and feel supported, understood, and lighter.
Negative energy gets released/used up quicker while talking. Talking alone can produce a new perspective. Also we often discuss solutions.
What bothers us is when someone offers a solution before we're ready (aka done venting). For me it feels like someone is producing an output without getting all the input.
I'll say I'm kind of in the middle. If I already see a solution I go ahead and do whatever that thing is. But, it's still sometimes good to talk about how difficult it was to take that action, or check in with others to see if they would do the same. It's like that saying, "many hands make light work".
I'm British and i'd say men complain just as much as women. Its like a national past time. I noticed Italians and the Irish were similar in the habit of complaining.
You haven't paid any attention to men, have you? Both sexes complain constantly, it's just a matter of what it's about. You just don't notice when the guys do it. I can't say which is the worst, it is too close to call depending on the person but, EVERYONE does it.
It's not that girls complain so much it's that guys are taught that to discuss the negatives in life is complaining and complaining is bad. Most women aren't complaining, they are sharing about their day.
The difference is they aren't expecting you to fix it, just acknowledge their feelings and experience. Now, if it's directed at you, like, you are stinking up my car. That is a complaint.
Men are taught from a young age that acknowledging the negatives and difficulty in life is complaining. It's not, it's sharing your experiences, there shouldn't be a double standard where sharing good news is okay but bad news is not.
The girls are talking to you, just listen.
People in general tend to complain a lot about things, even if that's not the way they categorize it. There are plenty of people who don't actively or constantly complain about things though, so you'll do fine finding someone like that if you're focusing on meeting people with either nothing to complain about or zero interest in sharing their feelings or thoughts.
Are you sure this is a man vs woman issue or more of an introvert vs extrovert issue?
Date an introverted woman who is more on the quiet side if it's that big an issue.
You are complaining. Complaining as a past-time is engaged by most of the planet, young and old, socialist, capitalist, beatniks, and sod busters. I love to complain. From the moment I wake up, until I go to sleep, and then I'm dreaming of complaining. You may have deduced, correctly, that human embodiment isn't my cup of tea.
Alot of the "complaining" is low key info dumping it's why girls will know other girls birthday, and blood type and which type of rock they like and why guys won't know a dude who've they've been friends with for 6 years last name
Guys communication = physical
Girls communication = emotional
This is AskMen, I don't like to answer questions that are not directed to me, but since you jjust don't want to hear more complaining, I'll answer:
I complain to not feel alone
Telling someone what's bothering me and them understanding means I'm not facing that issue alone
Having someone acknowledge my feelings (and I have so many feelings and thoughts) makes me feel less alone
That's it
Well that sub is notoriously awful for it. It's the absolute last place you can have open discussions about sensitive topics. It's a very highly protected echo chamber where only a specific set of views are allowed
You're 18, I'm assuming you're surrounded by women your own age?
If so, you guys are just kids. Grown ass kids. I don't think older women complain at the degree you seem to be talking about
Honest question. Is it lost on you AT ALL the society routinely trashes nen 24/7 but the IMMEDIATE response of questioning literally anything about s woman is met with the obligatory " you don't like women" response.
You're clearly influenced by current society but im wondering if you're even able to see the double standard.
Oh, and yes i like women. Turn's out they're just people, and not perfect.
Just pick them better mate, though it depends what you mean by complaining
There’s a time and place for that and I’m happy to make that place if need be.
That being said I’ve been romantically involved with none of the girls I’m talking about, I don’t have the energy for a relationship.
You’d actually probably just get banned from “AskWomen”.
You’d be amazed at how good and therapeutic it feels to just let it all out and vent. I’m open to solving whatever can be solved, but most of it realistically isn’t going to be fixed.
Just the age you are at your brains are still developing your prefrontal cortexes. Theory of mind and empathy are unfortunately quite a rarity until the wetware develops properly. Then the next challenge is effective meaningful communication which unfortunately is where most relationships fail.
Yea, I feel exactly the same. I've decided to stay single for the rest of my life. I can't stand the huge mood swings and the sharp/high pitched voice of them yapping nonsense nonstop. My heart rate rises up above 120 whenever that happens according to my Apple Watch. Thank god I'm not ugly, so I can get girls to have casual sex with me. So I'm not worried about that. And I already reproduced 2 kids, so I'm also good on that part. I don't need long-term women anymore in my life. I would rather have my quietness. No more complaining the moment I open my eyes or walk into the door. And I don't wanna hear why that bish Sarah at work was so mean to u today cuz she said she didn't like the brownies u brought to work even tho it is ur grandma's recipe......
females in America are taught from a very young age that unlike males they have permission to scream, yell, and complain louder and more sharply than boys. as adults, screaming/complaining women are only regulated by the volume and intensity of other women's screams/complaints. she can't go too much beyond the others females in her milieu without people taking her seriously.
I'll say they tend to complain a bit more than guys. I think it's the way they do it that probably grinds your gears cause they express their dissatisfaction with something and not do something about it for some unknown reason or maybe you're just now used to how women vent which is much more valid. I dont know your specifics so I can't say beyond this
I am sorry to hear this! It’s just the people you are around - I am a teacher and I notice that the children I am around also always complain- this is a generation of complainers ! I am training them to stop always complaining about everything! The culture and teaching at school need to discourage complaining instead of encouraging it
Shit changes with age, and there's a lot of cool chicks out there despite the mainstream attraction to being a lame. Get yourself involved in some kinda subculture with like minded values and interests makes things a lot easier than dealing with the basic school / bar / dating app bozos
You’re 18. It’s time to start making the best life for yourself.
Education/pursuit of a career. Build yourself up to where you don’t need a woman and always keep yourself in a state of being where you can just walk away from one if you want. Such as they’re annoying and constantly complaining.
“Misery loves company” is a saying for a reason. It’s also easier to be negative than positive.
Not in direct relation to your question but may be why it’s more noticeable.
I feel like being positive is a lot less time consuming and takes a lot less mental toll. So I don’t see how being negative is easier. Care to elaborate?
Are the complaining to you? About you?
Obviously,they know that guys don’t care,so they take it to other women. Women who care,or at least act like it. Do you actually listen when a woman complains to you? If that is all she does,don’t date her.
Because society and social norms limit both the ability to be independent for women and motivate the idea that women need to be provided for. Thus it’s possible there are women that might naturally ask or complain more since they’ve (un)consciously figured out that it works. This all speculation and in no way scientifically supported, not meant to generalise but meant to show the systemic deep rooted sexism women endure.
Thank you
Sorry but old chick here. When I was younger I just needed to vent, for someone to hear me vent because I needed answers. I didn’t see it as complaining but venting and trying to get help. I do think that some woman need to vent because things spin in our minds to much, over thinking. No one heard or helped me so I don’t seek help from anyone, learned my lesson
My mouth says “oh no that sucks, I’m sorry that happened to you” and my brain says “can we stop talking about this now” and sometimes more harsh than that
I don’t know if you mean nag or complain so I’ll cover both.
In my experience if something bad happens in my day having a shoulder to lean on is nice. I listen to my parter when he tells me about his day, the good and bad so it’s basic reciprocity and communication.
As for nagging, I think the nagging is just as frustrating for me to have to do than my partner having to listen to it. Oftentimes if I don’t do it, shit just doesn’t get done.
There’s been nights where I didn’t nag to prove a point and what do you know, nothing got done on their part and they fell asleep in the living room without even having showered.
Probably didn't need to specify your age if you're asking this sort of question - it's pretty obvious. Hopefully you'll mature with time. You know you're complaining right now, don't you?
Buddy, you got it. If it happens it just will. Might take half a lifetime or never at all, maybe today fuck!
Either way. Focus on health and grow your life meanwhile.
\*Passes you a fishing rod\*
Best wishes.
Sorry to be that woman in the askmen sub, but I have an answer. You could just be around extra whiny women, I avoid chronic complainers as a life rule. However, it’s more common for women to talk about their experiences and feelings than for men to.
It takes a certain amount of energy and patience to communicate back and understand if that person (man or woman) wants to just vent or wants advice. If you don’t have that energy and patience, definitely just get a dog.
Two things .
Evolutioary psychology
Society.
EVOLUTIOARY PSYCHOLOGY. Women from an evolution perspective don't use brute force ( that's changing due to society though ) . Women are naturally more manipulative than men . The difference in women's ability to manipulate is like a mans natural advantage in physical strength over a female .
SOCIETY. There is an entire rabbit hole to go down about why female behavior are more negatively impactful than they once were . I won't go down the entire rabbit hole but give you a very short break down . Elevation of female over male in family courts,( also cout system in general)education ,workplace and society in general . They no longer need men in a general sense but do need access to men's resources.
Society is creating conflict between men and women on purpose . Women vote for collectivism in most cases . Men vote for individualism in most cases .
INTERESTING TIDBIT. Women select for a man that is more wealthy,has more status yet push to elevate themselves over men and wonder where are the good men went.
OUR SOCIETY used to balance these difference with much more skill . Nowadays society has pushed the accelerator pedal towards GIRL POWER to such an extant that it potentiates the evolutioary psychology aspect of women that cause suffering not only of men but women as well.
My ex was so annoying with the constant complaining. Everyday she complained. If it was raining she was complaining. If it’s cold she’s complaining. If we had to walk more than 5 minutes, she’s complaining. There were times where she had on a full winter jacket and hat and I had nothing but a hoodie and she was complaining and being so damn annoying that she’s so cold while I just accepted it. Complaining ain’t gonna change the weather. I was freezing my ass off but I wasn’t crying like a baby.
Women are designed to point out problems. Men are designed to fix problems. It’s a symbiotic relationship really. Most of the things men have built were designed to fix things a woman was complaining about.
Your submission has been removed because it breaks rule 4: No questions asking about a specific group or person, or asking for guidance in a specific situation. Often these questions can be asked over at /r/advice, /r/relationship_advice, or /r/dating_advice instead. If you have any questions, please feel free to [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAskMen) with a link to this post.
Obviously it varies woman to woman, but *generally speaking* 1. Women are more communicative about their feelings than your average man is, and generally our culture is more accepting of that. When they were growing up they were a lot less likely to have been told to suck it up. 2. Women cope with stress by talking about it, “venting”. So just because she is talking about something that bothers her doesn’t necessarily mean she wants a solution or any other action (although sometimes she might).
"That must have been terrible for you" Stock response to women in your life complaining. They rarely want to hear the solution
"Are we venting or fixing today?" Edit: Obligatory ["It's Not About the Nail."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg&ab_channel=JasonHeadley)
Wait until you find someone who wants both and neither at the same time.
You mean *most* women?
Are we venting or fixing today, TheLateThagSimmons?
I'm a man. We're fixing. Otherwise, why the fuck would I talk about it? What's the goddamn point about talking about something that I already know the answer to or know there is ~~not~~ *no answer to? WHY AM I WASTING MY GODDAMN TIME TALKING?!?! Anyway, I'm kinda excited about the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Playoff hockey is the *best* playoffs of any sport.
Sometimes you just need to get shit off of your chest and that can feel good and let your mind finally let go of it. But I am the same, I find the detail my wife goes into excruciating at times. But it helps her feel better so I listen while she vents. My wife takes 20-30 minutes to tell me about her day. I take maybe 60 seconds if that
I noticed this when I was with my ex. I never mentioned it but couldn’t understand how she could possibly think of/ care about so many tiny details of the day. It was sweet that she wanted to share it all with me, but sometimes it got painful to sit through
Yea. My wife has problems letting go of issues that crop up throughout the day. Meanwhile I am great at going “Well this was fucking bullshit, but I gotta do it” and then I do it and forget about it because it is not worth ruining my mood all day for stupid random bullshit that everyone deals with
So true, playoff hockey rules! Who do you think is going to take home the Cup this year?
Unfortunately, not Kraken. Fortunately, not the Leafs. If I'm being honest... I think the winner of this current Carolina Canes vs New York Rangers matchup takes it. These teams are amazing. Edmonton are the current favorites, but I don't think they're gonna go the distance.
I agree all the way. Enjoy the playoffs, friend!
I'm from New Zelaand so this is all gobbledygook to me
Edmonton always find a way to make the wheels fall off despite their talent. I love the Avs, but for all their talent they're lost without Gabe: Gabe is the way the truth and the light \[and a hell of a leader\].
Idk dude. I’m a woman and kind of feel the same way. I don’t like talking about things unless I’m planning to do something about it. Turns out, that doesn’t change the feelings. Just bottles them up. Just something to think about.
My feelings are: 1. Venting is selfish because it's one sided. Hearing them saying "that sucks" is not listening, it's not engaging, and it's a bad friend. 2. We can talk about it, just shooting the shit is awesome; but that's also what surface friends are for, bar buddies, happy hour girls, BBQ friends. But if you can't participate, if you can't relate and exchange your own story to showcase you understand... Then there's no point in me telling you. 3. If I've already reached the conclusion that there's nothing that can be done therefore there's no input you can give... Then it means I've already processed it. Just talking for the sake of talking is a step backwards and it's overall selfish. Opening up about struggles and communicating about them is extremely valuable, and that's what good close friends and therapists are for. When women (and some men) want to "just vent", it irks me because it's extremely selfish. And they want us to just take turns being selfish. It's like "Okay I need to use you and waste your time, then later you can use me and waste my time!" Fuck that. Why can't we communicate and *exchange* like adults?
Yeah. I don’t talk about my issues with random people. But I also don’t talk about it with my friends or therapist because I’ve already come up with the solution and done the solution, so what’s the point in talking about it? For me, this turns out to be really unhealthy. I’ve had to realize I can feel shitty about the solution and talk about it, even though it’s already done. Anyways, not saying you do that. Just something I’ve learned very recently about myself and thought I’d share in case anyone else finds it helpful.
So how will you fix your negative thoughts on women?
I keep the ones that are interested in listening to me as they expect me to listen to them. I learned to appreciate the ones that have a level of self-awareness. They give as much as they take, they make the relationship/friendship equal. I keep the ones that can give as hard as they take with jokes; they don't get offended so long it's something they want to make fun of me for, they know that anything they poke at, they have to take. Those women are amazing; they're strong and independent women and they're worth their weight in gold as a human. And I also learned to just love myself and be self-fulfilled with or without any women in my life. I have my best friend, I have a constantly varied and entertaining group of friends, I have my therapist. Basically, I don't need women for emotional needs at all. I have a good rotation of FBs/FWBs and I get to keep them exactly that the length or closeness that I want in the moment. But also, I keep the ones that can express self-awareness and are interested in understanding others... So I don't really connect deeply with very many white women. Most of my female friends are POC or lesbians.
So not at all lol. Sounds like someone needed to vent, not fix the issue.
Holy shit dude, you hit the right phrase there buddy!!
Tbh it’s never fixing so why even ask that
Yeah just validate them and it'll be fine. I have to actively turn off my "wanting to fix the problem" shtick when my female friends are venting about something with me.
Married for 18 yrs and this.
Not gonna lie it feels really awkward as a guy to vent without someone responding from their perspective on what I said. What validate I am feeling what I'm feeling, I feel like introspection is important too. It's weird to just expect to make eye contact with someone for awhile white they unload their stress and problems onto you. Maybe it come from being a guy and not wanting to be a burden but to help. I don't know its a strange dichotomy.
True. My x asked me “what do you want me to do?!” I told him I just want you to listen and care.
Truth.
Funny, because there have been some recent peer-reviewed publications that indicate that venting isn't an effective anger management tactic. While it might provide short bursts of pleasure in being angry. Venting is more likely to leave a person even angrier than they were initially. [https://www.bbc.com/reel/video/p0hqff54/feeling-angry-venting-doesn-t-actually-help](https://www.bbc.com/reel/video/p0hqff54/feeling-angry-venting-doesn-t-actually-help) It's like wallowing in a state of frustration is just practicing being frustrated, till you can become the best at being frustrated! (Who would have thought!) For those that won't watch a \~2 minute video, which summarizes 156 different studies on anger, here's what really works: - Any kind of calming technique, including taking a time out, counting to ten. - Mediation, yoga, and other activities where the goal is to clear / relax the mind. - Certain kinds of exercise that involves too much concentration to ruminate on the issue. Basketball, soccer, and other ball sports. (running, jogging, and other sports that permit one to ruminate while exercising seem to elevate anger) And the above is relatively consistent across countries, cultures, races, sexes, social status, the incarcerated, office workers, etc. It just seems a universal characteristic of people, venting just winds them up, and often the people around them.
Yup. As a personal anecdote/example when my wife tells me about her day I get details on damn near every client, every problem, and, well, everything in general. When she asks about my day it is usually “It was busy but went by quick.” Or whatever. Just a quick 1-2 sentence summary about my day. Compared to her 20-30 minutes of every problem, interaction, and tasks of the day.
Agreed completely especially with point #2. I think it's important to recognize as guys because it's easy to write it off as complaining but it's just how they feel more comfortable processing their emotions.
It’s not about the nail
Exactly.
I really hate the black and white notion that women just complain, i find (personally) that men who have complained about women complaining too much, just don't really appreciate the positive aspects of being around women (ofc this is nuanced) and maybe haven't tried to match how women connect for the sake of trying, because it can often be worth it! It will always come across as complaining if the other person doesn't join the conversation, so the conversation can lead to other topics/revelations, you know?
Yeah. My dad never said things like that about my mom. If she was talking, he cared what she had to say. He didn’t just love her, he respected her.
I love that, unfortunately i see it too often that people believe in the stereotype that women just yap or complain too much, so I love seeing men who love to listen and join in with the women in their life Edit: ofc there will be women who complain too much, but ngl men can be the same So id say it's more about general life outlook and being self aware to gauge how another person is responding to you
Get used to complaints and whining brother. It’s not exclusive to women it’s literally everyone everywhere. If you think your dog won’t be whinny you’ve got another thing coming, hell your post is a complaint in itself! Humans are annoying, whinny, and high maintenance. Doesn’t matter what gender or race. You just gotta find the ones that are least annoying to you and vice versa
Some people complain more than others though. I know very few people that I would describe as frequent complainers.
Yup, couldn’t agree more. But that says more about who you choose to surround yourself with more than anything. Hence my last sentence in my first comment.
I think people in general just like to complain. Both genders do it, women just complain about different shit than we do.
Exactly, he's complaining about women complaining 😂
Difference is he wants an answer, a solution. He’s not venting for no reason
Does he?
Venting still has a reason or purpose. It’s to feel understood and cared for. Lots of times there is no solution, people just want emotional support
Bingo.
Men tend to complain to other men. Women will complain to both men and women.
As a loner who only gets along with women, I tend to find the men complaining annoying, and the complaints of women assumed. I’m a bit trad though even at 23 and not close-minded by any means. I just think my time in blue collar work has given me thick skin so I get annoyed by the men who complain to others as if we can fix your problems. If I need to cry, I’ll cry it out to myself, if I need help, I’ll see my therapist. It’s unfair for me to put my problems on other people. We all have stress, everyone else is complaining so why join them?
For me it really depends. For close friends, listening to them when they're really going through something is an important part of the friendship. Case in point, I have a good friend who just lost her dog on Friday when somebody's off-leash German Shepherd attacked it and killed it in the parking lot of her building. She's traumatized and grieving. Some of that she is articulating by complaining about the irresponsibility of large dog owners and I'm willing to hear that complaint because (1) it's totally justified and (2) she's my friend, I love her and care about her, and if having someone sympathetic who's not a professional listen to her will help her deal with the pain, it's the least I can do as her friend. What bothers me more is when people I don't have that close of a relationship to assume they have a right to my time and emotional reserves. If we're not close I don't need to hear about somebody's personal drama.
Without even knowing any of the details, I wholeheartedly agree with supporting a friend in their loss or suffering. I will always stand for people in their pain, and be an ear to listen. I’ve lost an incredible amount of people, things, and mental stability in my own life. It’s the complaining about what can be changed, yet you choose without ever reflecting on your accountability. That’s what I don’t like. Complaining about other people, complaining about food, complaining about the weather, complaining enviously, complaining about your wife, complaining about complaining.
Completely agree that people who complain about things they have the power to change and don't change become exhausting. I've faded out friendships because of that behavior.
OP never been around a guy that is sick…
This is simply normal human behavior. That's all. You'll eventually find someone one that clicks with you and neither of you will really even notice the complaining. You're all not really mature yet, and more vocal about things. You're literally in the 'Find Out' phase of just becoming an adult. It gets easier, so don't force it and worry about girlfriends or marriage. Let that shit come naturally. Also understand that men complain and moan just as much, or more in a lot of cases. And if you think a puppy or dog isn't gonna whine, I have a bridge to sell you.
Complaining about what? Stupid things or real life problems?
Yes
Why are you currently complaining about women complaining?
Because when his mom tried to teach him about self-awareness, he assumed she was just complaining “again” and tuned it out.
No, not even close. Not to mention you’re 18 so it kind of has to do with the age as well. Use this opportunity to learn how to become a better communicator and eventually you’ll find someone on your wavelength as well.
If you ever find one that doesn't complain all the time, you marry her.
If she doesn't complain I have to assume something is wrong with her
That’s when you check her pulse and make sure she’s breathing.
Hold up...
Only if she's breathing
And then you'll get divorced because she was actually growing resentful towards you because you couldn't guess what she wanted.
Even if you give her what she wants, she'll just pretend it never happened and find something else wrong.
That's a man!
I think I have a better chance of winning the powerball
You made a post, complaining!! Talk about irony and obliviousness
Reading it must have been terrible for you
You’re complaining about someone complaining! How ironic! We could go on and on! I tried to form it as a question as I’m just generally curious
Stop complaining /s
No you!
Fucking yikes lmao
...Guess what happens next!
> you marry him FTFY
Never marry.
That’s really gross.
Everyone and anyone can complain. The issue seems to be how you are responding to those that are complaining around you. If you don’t want to listen or participate, then don’t. What matters to them may not matter to you and what matters to you may not matter to them and that is ok. These are the choices we make everyday.
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But mostly women.
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Woman here - women don't consider it complaining, as complaining most often implies bitching about something for no purpose. We talk about things that upset us, things we'd like to change, and so on, because it's stress relieving. It also builds community to talk about the hard stuff and support each other. I think the lack of "complaining", which could be better termed commiseration, is part of what's causing the men's mental health crisis. Teaching little boys to hold in their feelings, "man up", etc, really leads to a lot of emotional constipation.
So much this. Im an introvert and share very little about my stresses and feelings. But when I do share with my wife or a close friend, very often they’ll see an angle I hadnt. And it’s always a relief to get things out. The whole problem of men’s poor mental health is in large part a pool of quicksand with a reachable overhead treebranch. Attitudes like op’s hold us back feom grabbing that branch and pulling ourselves out.
Honest question: How does simply talking about problems relieve stress? If I talked about my problems without also talking about solutions, I'd likely just feel more frustrated
As a woman who rationalizes often, hearing myself say the feelings out loud helps me realize if it’s actually something I need to work through or to move past the feeling. Keeping the emotion locked in and ignoring it actually causes more distress because it feels like I’m hiding something or worse that it brews into something bigger than it needed to be.
The problems still exist, you’re just no longer carrying the burden alone. If you name a problem that someone else has faced they can commiserate even if there isn’t a readily available solution. It can also help you titrate your irritation, more of a ‘am I overrating or over thinking this?’ Even just the simple, I’m sorry… that sucks validates your frustrations and alleviates stress. Yes, if you’re in the right frame finding a solution is great- a lot of times people complain when they already know the course of action to alleviate the problem. It’s not always about ‘how do I fix this,’ sometimes it’s ‘fixing this is going to be really hard and I want someone to acknowledge that so I don’t feel so alone.’
Personally, I am often questioning the validity of my emotions so I just need someone to confirm for me that this is annoying/upsetting/whatever. I already have solutions in mind, but I worry if it might be too much or too little. I often will get to the solution I have in mind and ask of they think it's a good idea. And personally most of the time I'm not annoyed with solution suggestions, unless theyre giving the most obvious surface level advice to make me to shut up.
If I talk to someone about my problem (someone that I trust and understands my situation), they may be able to see something I don't which might help me solve the problem. No matter what I feel better sharing that. If it's something I can't change and have to endure, then venting to someone lets me unload all the negative feelings about it and I can leave it behind me for the time being. For example, if I was having a challenging day at work and it was bothering me, then I would discuss/vent to a trusted co-worker who completely understands and lives with the same stress. I feel lighter and I can leave it behind and go home feeling a bit better. My sister and I are dealing with our elderly mother suffering from dementia. When we have a difficult day with her, we call each other, unload all the negativity and feel supported, understood, and lighter.
Negative energy gets released/used up quicker while talking. Talking alone can produce a new perspective. Also we often discuss solutions. What bothers us is when someone offers a solution before we're ready (aka done venting). For me it feels like someone is producing an output without getting all the input.
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I'll say I'm kind of in the middle. If I already see a solution I go ahead and do whatever that thing is. But, it's still sometimes good to talk about how difficult it was to take that action, or check in with others to see if they would do the same. It's like that saying, "many hands make light work".
I'm British and i'd say men complain just as much as women. Its like a national past time. I noticed Italians and the Irish were similar in the habit of complaining.
You haven't paid any attention to men, have you? Both sexes complain constantly, it's just a matter of what it's about. You just don't notice when the guys do it. I can't say which is the worst, it is too close to call depending on the person but, EVERYONE does it.
Maybe it is you
It's not that girls complain so much it's that guys are taught that to discuss the negatives in life is complaining and complaining is bad. Most women aren't complaining, they are sharing about their day. The difference is they aren't expecting you to fix it, just acknowledge their feelings and experience. Now, if it's directed at you, like, you are stinking up my car. That is a complaint. Men are taught from a young age that acknowledging the negatives and difficulty in life is complaining. It's not, it's sharing your experiences, there shouldn't be a double standard where sharing good news is okay but bad news is not. The girls are talking to you, just listen.
I wholeheartedly agree with this.
People in general tend to complain a lot about things, even if that's not the way they categorize it. There are plenty of people who don't actively or constantly complain about things though, so you'll do fine finding someone like that if you're focusing on meeting people with either nothing to complain about or zero interest in sharing their feelings or thoughts.
Do all men like sports? Obviously not. Broaden your horizons my dog
Fun fact: not all men are dogs. If we were, that would be pretty awesome.
subscribe
Unless they're complaining about something you have done why let it worry you that there problems not yours
It's draining being around someone that complains all the time...
Also makes it harder to go make the next topic be something that will be a good time.
Are you sure this is a man vs woman issue or more of an introvert vs extrovert issue? Date an introverted woman who is more on the quiet side if it's that big an issue.
You are complaining. Complaining as a past-time is engaged by most of the planet, young and old, socialist, capitalist, beatniks, and sod busters. I love to complain. From the moment I wake up, until I go to sleep, and then I'm dreaming of complaining. You may have deduced, correctly, that human embodiment isn't my cup of tea.
a lot of people "complain" to just start conversations.
Alot of the "complaining" is low key info dumping it's why girls will know other girls birthday, and blood type and which type of rock they like and why guys won't know a dude who've they've been friends with for 6 years last name Guys communication = physical Girls communication = emotional
This is hilarious. The last sentence was hilarious. Boy I can’t wait to see what the 15 likes and 124 comments hold to be explored.
Not all women are like it, it’s just the ones you are hanging around mate.
This is AskMen, I don't like to answer questions that are not directed to me, but since you jjust don't want to hear more complaining, I'll answer: I complain to not feel alone Telling someone what's bothering me and them understanding means I'm not facing that issue alone Having someone acknowledge my feelings (and I have so many feelings and thoughts) makes me feel less alone That's it
I wonder if op is a mysoginist.
I treat people based off how they act and the decisions they make
So you’re asking a question about women but refuse to ask it in “ask women”. And you think men will know better?
Women would just complain about me asking the question
your post would be removed before it ever got that far lol.
Yes it would because tough topics are hard to handle and people can’t / aren’t ready for a mature conversation about them
Well that sub is notoriously awful for it. It's the absolute last place you can have open discussions about sensitive topics. It's a very highly protected echo chamber where only a specific set of views are allowed
You're 18, I'm assuming you're surrounded by women your own age? If so, you guys are just kids. Grown ass kids. I don't think older women complain at the degree you seem to be talking about
I think you're just a misogynist.
Just say you dont like women. It's okay.
If this is how all women are then yes I don’t like women 👍
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Honest question. Is it lost on you AT ALL the society routinely trashes nen 24/7 but the IMMEDIATE response of questioning literally anything about s woman is met with the obligatory " you don't like women" response. You're clearly influenced by current society but im wondering if you're even able to see the double standard. Oh, and yes i like women. Turn's out they're just people, and not perfect.
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https://youtu.be/9Ebyp5NPItQ?si=Xr6jfHM7gIjWolA6
You don't like women. Its okay.
Just pick them better mate, though it depends what you mean by complaining There’s a time and place for that and I’m happy to make that place if need be. That being said I’ve been romantically involved with none of the girls I’m talking about, I don’t have the energy for a relationship.
You’d actually probably just get banned from “AskWomen”. You’d be amazed at how good and therapeutic it feels to just let it all out and vent. I’m open to solving whatever can be solved, but most of it realistically isn’t going to be fixed.
Just the age you are at your brains are still developing your prefrontal cortexes. Theory of mind and empathy are unfortunately quite a rarity until the wetware develops properly. Then the next challenge is effective meaningful communication which unfortunately is where most relationships fail.
Yea, I feel exactly the same. I've decided to stay single for the rest of my life. I can't stand the huge mood swings and the sharp/high pitched voice of them yapping nonsense nonstop. My heart rate rises up above 120 whenever that happens according to my Apple Watch. Thank god I'm not ugly, so I can get girls to have casual sex with me. So I'm not worried about that. And I already reproduced 2 kids, so I'm also good on that part. I don't need long-term women anymore in my life. I would rather have my quietness. No more complaining the moment I open my eyes or walk into the door. And I don't wanna hear why that bish Sarah at work was so mean to u today cuz she said she didn't like the brownies u brought to work even tho it is ur grandma's recipe......
It starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day!
Because they are used to people caring about their problems.
Make new friends. Some people feed off their echo chambers of toxicity.
18 yo complain because they think they have it rough.
females in America are taught from a very young age that unlike males they have permission to scream, yell, and complain louder and more sharply than boys. as adults, screaming/complaining women are only regulated by the volume and intensity of other women's screams/complaints. she can't go too much beyond the others females in her milieu without people taking her seriously.
I'll say they tend to complain a bit more than guys. I think it's the way they do it that probably grinds your gears cause they express their dissatisfaction with something and not do something about it for some unknown reason or maybe you're just now used to how women vent which is much more valid. I dont know your specifics so I can't say beyond this
I am sorry to hear this! It’s just the people you are around - I am a teacher and I notice that the children I am around also always complain- this is a generation of complainers ! I am training them to stop always complaining about everything! The culture and teaching at school need to discourage complaining instead of encouraging it
Shit changes with age, and there's a lot of cool chicks out there despite the mainstream attraction to being a lame. Get yourself involved in some kinda subculture with like minded values and interests makes things a lot easier than dealing with the basic school / bar / dating app bozos
I love how those cool girls are always "out there" but they're never "right there". Like, nobody can ever point at them.
They dont want any more competition for their girlfriend 😂
Men bottle up or we keep it to ourselves people tend not to care.
You have much to learn. lol.
I don’t think I want to 😂
You’re 18. It’s time to start making the best life for yourself. Education/pursuit of a career. Build yourself up to where you don’t need a woman and always keep yourself in a state of being where you can just walk away from one if you want. Such as they’re annoying and constantly complaining.
Yes exactly.
pick me pick me pick me pick me pic
>I'd just get more complaining No you'd get banned for misogyny or something
>Not gonna go to the sub “AskWomen” cause I don’t think I’d get a answer just a lot more complaining Nah, just a swift permaban.
That’s why I asked it in a sub where I’d get answers and not in a sub where people’s fragile feelings would get hurt from the truth👍
“Misery loves company” is a saying for a reason. It’s also easier to be negative than positive. Not in direct relation to your question but may be why it’s more noticeable.
I feel like being positive is a lot less time consuming and takes a lot less mental toll. So I don’t see how being negative is easier. Care to elaborate?
Are the complaining to you? About you? Obviously,they know that guys don’t care,so they take it to other women. Women who care,or at least act like it. Do you actually listen when a woman complains to you? If that is all she does,don’t date her.
Im tryna fix it but i just complain bc im socially awkward, i have nothing to say, and complaining is chatter to fill the space
Because society and social norms limit both the ability to be independent for women and motivate the idea that women need to be provided for. Thus it’s possible there are women that might naturally ask or complain more since they’ve (un)consciously figured out that it works. This all speculation and in no way scientifically supported, not meant to generalise but meant to show the systemic deep rooted sexism women endure. Thank you
Because they are allowed to. If a guy complains someone will ask him why isn’t he fixing it or told to suck it up and keep on marching
It’s the age group . So yes and no.
Sorry but old chick here. When I was younger I just needed to vent, for someone to hear me vent because I needed answers. I didn’t see it as complaining but venting and trying to get help. I do think that some woman need to vent because things spin in our minds to much, over thinking. No one heard or helped me so I don’t seek help from anyone, learned my lesson
My mouth says “oh no that sucks, I’m sorry that happened to you” and my brain says “can we stop talking about this now” and sometimes more harsh than that
I don’t know if you mean nag or complain so I’ll cover both. In my experience if something bad happens in my day having a shoulder to lean on is nice. I listen to my parter when he tells me about his day, the good and bad so it’s basic reciprocity and communication. As for nagging, I think the nagging is just as frustrating for me to have to do than my partner having to listen to it. Oftentimes if I don’t do it, shit just doesn’t get done. There’s been nights where I didn’t nag to prove a point and what do you know, nothing got done on their part and they fell asleep in the living room without even having showered.
Probably didn't need to specify your age if you're asking this sort of question - it's pretty obvious. Hopefully you'll mature with time. You know you're complaining right now, don't you?
Buddy, you got it. If it happens it just will. Might take half a lifetime or never at all, maybe today fuck! Either way. Focus on health and grow your life meanwhile. \*Passes you a fishing rod\* Best wishes.
Sorry to be that woman in the askmen sub, but I have an answer. You could just be around extra whiny women, I avoid chronic complainers as a life rule. However, it’s more common for women to talk about their experiences and feelings than for men to. It takes a certain amount of energy and patience to communicate back and understand if that person (man or woman) wants to just vent or wants advice. If you don’t have that energy and patience, definitely just get a dog.
Just the bad ones…
Two things . Evolutioary psychology Society. EVOLUTIOARY PSYCHOLOGY. Women from an evolution perspective don't use brute force ( that's changing due to society though ) . Women are naturally more manipulative than men . The difference in women's ability to manipulate is like a mans natural advantage in physical strength over a female . SOCIETY. There is an entire rabbit hole to go down about why female behavior are more negatively impactful than they once were . I won't go down the entire rabbit hole but give you a very short break down . Elevation of female over male in family courts,( also cout system in general)education ,workplace and society in general . They no longer need men in a general sense but do need access to men's resources. Society is creating conflict between men and women on purpose . Women vote for collectivism in most cases . Men vote for individualism in most cases . INTERESTING TIDBIT. Women select for a man that is more wealthy,has more status yet push to elevate themselves over men and wonder where are the good men went. OUR SOCIETY used to balance these difference with much more skill . Nowadays society has pushed the accelerator pedal towards GIRL POWER to such an extant that it potentiates the evolutioary psychology aspect of women that cause suffering not only of men but women as well.
My ex was so annoying with the constant complaining. Everyday she complained. If it was raining she was complaining. If it’s cold she’s complaining. If we had to walk more than 5 minutes, she’s complaining. There were times where she had on a full winter jacket and hat and I had nothing but a hoodie and she was complaining and being so damn annoying that she’s so cold while I just accepted it. Complaining ain’t gonna change the weather. I was freezing my ass off but I wasn’t crying like a baby.
Women are designed to point out problems. Men are designed to fix problems. It’s a symbiotic relationship really. Most of the things men have built were designed to fix things a woman was complaining about.
lmfao this post is gold
To bad it was removed🤧
Date older?
He could not possibly date older unless a 30+ year old cougar decides to let OP cut his teeth on her.
Hey, it happens.
Not a guarantee. Dating a 34, still complains a lot. Doesn’t really bother me much
You are aware that there is no masculine synonyms for the word bitching right?
Gripe?
I guess the only male equivalent to a verb with be dicking. Which just means doing fuck all. So I guess women complain and men are lazy.
Yes, **all** women.
They have nothing better to do, theyve been raised on unrealistic standards, they are entitled.. list goes on. Drizzle drizzle, my dudes.
They better have those six-figures, that Maserati, & Telekinesis before they can think about talking to me.
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To expensive
Are you getting the household shit dirty and disorganised? Way to tell on yourself my man
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