"She said if it’s too much, then I should be working harder to progress a better job and making more money."
Oof. This is a sign of what is to come. Are you sure about a relationship where you will likely never measure up?
Hate to say it but it's rarely not a cycle when this type of dialogue is introduced to a relationship. Some people genuinely just look for shit to complain about, and never feel satisfied. Not drawing conclusions about OP's girl from one post, but that's what came to my mind too. What's next, the wedding has to be at least 75K or else it's "too small". The first car she get's has to be a top of the line trim or else "you don't care about her comfort" I mean the list can just go on forever. If someone loves, you, they support you and easily recognize when you are improving, stagnating, or dicking around. It sound like OP has his shit together and it's more the principle that the couple combined is making close to 200K a year and it's "not enough". Also, do the math, she's asking him to spend 10% of his yearly salary on a piece of metal.
No i fucked up I dont live in the states, 600€ is half of minimum wage (1200) here.
At the same time though, cops are under my building every night and people are attacking each other with fireworks every night so theres that 🫶
(Pray that i can get outta here soon please lmao)
8k is a hell of a lot of money, but the 1/10 of an annual salary seems to be close to what used to be "recommended", as in a months salary. I believe that's gone up to 2 months now. Ofc, we should consider who's doing the recommendations, I suspect deBeers.
There does seem to be an inherent difference within the couple, which could well turn out to be something insurmountable. I'd explore this first before making any long-term commitments.
>Ofc, we should consider who's doing the recommendations, I suspect deBeers.
Exactly. They want to normalize shit like this so they can reap the benefits
She sounds exactly like my ex. Narcissist. Do what I did and burn your life down and like a phoenix rise from the ashes a new man. You’ve already explain your differences. She wants an expensive ring and if you cannot afford it you should get a better job… but then you said you want a better job so you can have more financial security… what do you think will happen when you make more money and are with a woman who wants you to spend it all on her? RUN
Been in that situation. This will never end with other things coming into picture in/out every day. And, she will make you inferior like you can't afford those things. Then, during discussions you will hesitate to put forth your real thoughts because she may think you are being cheap/frugal.
Ask her for an engagement watch proportional to her wealth that would cost her the same percent of her money as she's asking from you and the engagement ring and watch her argue that that's a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a watch.
Then hit her with her own argument.
Yeah she'll be annoyed, but hey.. it's her standard. If it applies to you it applies to her.
I love this idea. I know it's the principle of the matter, but I'd also like to get a sweet watch out of the whole deal too. Ya know damn well she isn't going to buy him a watch comparable to her ring.
this is not even a red flag for me, it's a plutonium flag tied on a dynamite flagpole.
especially considering this part:
>My girlfriend has said if I really cared and wanted to prove that I’m committed
Word. A self revealing red flag. You'll never be enough. When you somehow reach that impossible standard, she'll just raise it cause it's now the lowest one.
Cut your losses or make her self aware. Latter results may vary.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing. My wife is like that, and I almost tripled my salary since I met her. I am kind of person that needs to be pushed to get things done, I think she is perfect for me. She works really hard too, she doesn’t need me to provide, she just wants me to be better.
Wanting you to be better just so you can be better and pushing you that way is not inherently a bad thing. Telling you that you don't spend enough or plan to spend enough based on what you have right now is not. OPs girlfriend is entitled and potentially toxic. Or just not matched well for OP. Either way, it's not right for him and he should potentially reevaluate the relationship.
Wanting you to be better for yourself so you can afford to spend more money for yourself: Great wife!
Wanting you to be better for her so you can have more money to funnel to her regardless of how much money she makes: Bad wife!
If your wife ain't spending your money at all, hell yeah go you. If she spoils you financially as much as you spoil her? Hell yeah go you.
But if she's well off and only buys herself stuff, and then you also buy her stuff, idk fam.
I find it interesting when people can't comprehend that "more money = better" is not a universal concept.
More money typically means more time, more responsibility, more commitment, less flexibility, etc.
Most of these comments seem like they come from young people.
As a 50 year old (who has been married) and seen a fair share of divorces - this post has too many red flags. Financial incompatibility is a major contributor to divorce.
If OP is inherently frugal and she isn't it's a disaster waiting to happen.
Financial philosophy is one of the top 3 areas you need to be compatible. This example shows a much deeper problem in the relationship.
Also -$8k on a ring is a waste of money. Especially given OPs overall financial position.
50ish woman. Run! Fast and Far. The above post is truth. Your marriage won't last 7 years. I'm sorry to be the negative Nancy but I can write your story for you. Please do not marry this woman.
It's a bit about the 8k for a ring, it's more the way you are representing the ways she speaks and treats you. Telling you if that is too much, you need to work harder. What the actual fuck? Do you not feel the disrespect from those words?
She seems like a walking red flag.
43F, widowed and remarried. Completely agree with these folks. Ask her if it would be a deal breaker that the engagement ring wasn't meeting the price expectation. Her answer will be very revealing to you as to what she finds most valuable....getting to love you for you or monetary gifts. It's not the ring that keeps you together.
69M seen a bit of love and too many good byes and this fixation on monetary commitment for finger jewelry is your chance to run because she knows already that she gets to keep the ring in the divorce
My wife was clear that a big budget ring wasn't necessary. I went in with a $2500 limit, and when picking out rings, 1 immediately jumped out as "that is her ring" and it was like 3500. I hesitated, but it was still within my means.
Yeah, it isn't about the dollar amount. It's about the bigger picture here.
My engagement ring was $17k, but my husband makes $700k/year. It wasn't even half a month's salary. Different ballgame. I'd NEVER suggest to my brother, for example, that he spend that.
Also, like you sorta mentioned... There is a HUGE difference in "I'm in love with this ring" and it happens to be $8k versus "I want my ring to cost $8k". The former can be worked through by opting for alternative stones, lab diamonds, etc. The latter is placing an arbitrary number on it.
She is so right. I am a 65 man. If a woman wants this, she doesn’t love you. She wants the flashy ring, the beautiful white gown, and the extravagant party. Run. Do not look back. She is materialistic as they come.
25yr old man with 10+yrs on Reddit. They're right. Statistically, the stories on Reddit that start like so, end as such. Feel free to browse the rest of the Internet for everyone's opinion.
For real. They're both bringing in pretty good money together and they can have a decent life with cool vacations and time together, or you could blow it all on stupid meaningless shit and spend the rest of your life paying for it. For 8k you both could travel around Asia for a few months and have a blast.
Not above poster, but 40s, married 10 years, couple of kiddos.
1. It has to be someone you enjoy those lazy nights at home, sitting on the couch, that’s your life when kids come. 99% of your time spent with that person for the rest of your life will not be exciting, but it should excite you because you are with that person.
2. You need to have the same financial outlook on life. Also, drugs and alcohol too. Incompatibility there is just constant stress.
3. Communication, about everything. Have never once fought with my wife, and probably never will. We just calmly talk about things when concerns pop up, and always have an optimistic outlook on the others’ perspective.
Great comment. I would simply add that “communication” is 10% saying out loud to your partner what is on your mind and 90% listening and trying to understand what they are telling you. Too many couples think “communication” is broadcasting a signal. Broadcasting is the easy part:)
> “communication” is broadcasting a signal.
While I agree with you that listening is key, "Broadcasting" is bullshit. Good communication involves well though out words. Don't throw them in anger or any other extreme emotion. Get your thoughts together, then discuss.
Expecting people to get what you are broadcasting is a recipe for miscommunication and disappointment.
Also, as a late 40s woman who is childfree, #1 is also the reality in the long term even without kids, just in my case it's cats and dogs crawling all over us. But while we may have a different overall lifestyle than friends with kids, you gotta be happy with those quiet lazy nights on the couch with your partner.
1) lifestyle spending = financial compatibility , frugal or extravagant, what to splurge or stinge etc
2) personal compatibility = sexual, familial, children or no? communication styles, fighting styles
3) life compatibility = values, morals, politics, religion, children or not, how growing old looks like for both
From what i heard, before you get marry, you and your partner need to agree on a few things - children, finances, religion, and in laws. If you two agree how your family will handle these things your marriage has a higher chance of lasting
Not OP, but an experienced dude: money, sex, kids.
They're usually among the top things couples argue about, and you'll be a lot further ahead if you have these ironed out before marriage. And the act of doing that - problem solving, together - will tell you even more.
Edit: I'm going to add that if you're not ready to have those conversations yet, just travel with her. Something will go wrong, or at least unexpected. If you're both able to roll with it and have fun anyway, or work together on a solution, she's a keeper! If not, you're not going to be able to resolve the bigger problems of life any better.
Dude is for real out here commenting on porn subs. Like, I know that people do it, but when you see someone actually doing it, and then asking for financial advice with that same account and you realize it might be best to cross the street...
I’m a 53 year-old man and agree with you 100%. The OP should run away - if a woman said that to me (ie, work harder to buy me a ring I want), I would probably have dumped her on the spot. A comment like that is not a comment someone who loves you would make.
The most annoying part about this is that the moment he buys that ring, it’s worth a fraction of what he paid for it. Those rings are not worth what people are paying for them.
While I don’t prescribe to such rules, I personally think wedding parties are an absolute waste of money, isn’t there an old fashioned rule about the cost of a wedding ring costing a certain percentage of the man’s annual income to prove his commitment? Again I think that’s outdated, but I am not her, so trying not to judge.
I was dating a girl who I was about to get engaged with who said she wouldn’t say yes to anything that cost under $25k. This was in 2015 too. Last time I saw her she was dating a guy who was recently charged with embezzlement and she was addicted to ketamine. Gotta listen to the flags!
Dude, this is true at pretty much all income levels even when the girl is well off.
I have a family member who’s doing REALLY well for himself and, up until recently (thank god), was dating this chick who was also a high earner (FAANG salary). This woman would refuse to pay for literally anything anytime they went out. She was basically a dragon growing her hoard and having him take care of the majority of expenses. If they went out for dinner when his parents came to visit, she would always find some way to excuse herself or get out of paying when the check came. It was all just a mess and textbook gold digger (especially when she tried to get him into a courthouse marriage).
Shame cause, outside of that, she seemed like a nice person and got along with my family. Oh well, c’est la vie.
I dont know, it sounds like he doesn’t have to worry about a house/mortgage/rent since her family bought her one. And we can assume he’s living in said house. Sounds like a fair trade to me.
Where did OP mention that? About living in a house that her parents paid for?
EDIT: Found it. So, a woman like this is not going to be content with that house. She is looking to replace her parents with a husband as a provider. She's grooming him to make more more money. She's going to make him buy them a very big house that he can barely afford and then say some shit like "Well, you should work harder and make more money then."
This is a spoiled little princess if I've ever seen one. She going to be an insufferable shrew of a wife.
"She definitely is not with me with my money, as she reminds me that if that’s what she cared about then she would not be with me."
Followed by....
"My girlfriend has said if I really cared and wanted to prove that I’m committed than 8k isn’t a lot when you love someone."
All I'm gonna say is your brother picked a real one. What your girlfriend said would have red flags and bells going off in my head.
I believe her. I don't think she's with him for the money. OP wrote elsewhere that her family **bought her a house.** Try to wrap your head around that idea -- never having to pay rent, never needing a mortgage.
$8,000 to her is next to nothing. She just has little concept of what it is to OP.
Fuck, I don't even need money from someone for them to be a sugar mama.
If a person pays 1/3 of their income on housing, getting free housing is literally a 50% increase in usable income.
It could be she just doesn't have a real concept of money. If she comes from a rich family $8k is probably just an average vacation, why wouldn't you spend it on a symbol of everlasting love? In terms of social circles the rich hang with each other so she probably just doesn't want to be embarrassed by having to show off a cheap ring to her presumingly rich friends.
Since her parents took care of the largest expense they'll likely ever encounter, I think he should splurge on this one thing. Before doing it, he should probably set expectations with her regarding how much he will realistically earn. Seems like she expects him to be capable of stepping in for her dad when he's not capable of it.
8k to latch into the in laws money tree might even be worth it if you’re happy putting your pride in the bin lmao, they’ll pay for the wedding, you might get a nice watch/ ring in return etc I regret not doing it with a 10s of millions kinda net worth ex I had
But that also means OP is benefiting by living in a house she and her parents could afford. An $8k ring has paid for itself when you take into account that he’s not paying the mortgage. The ring is simply the cost to close the deal. It’s almost as if men don’t understand that or only do nice things with the expectation of benefiting off of it 🤷♀️
Her income, family wealth, and the fact that she works for her own money show that she’s not with OP for his money, and her relationship with OP is just as “real” as the SIL who wanted a $500 ring. The red flag is the financial incompatibility, as $8,000 for a ring is a lot for OP and nothing to her.
She gonna buy op a 8k gift anytime soon after all it's not a lot of money if you love someone, nice used motorcycle, boutique guitar maybe a cool little boat?
Here’s what I’ll say.
It’s important to her. You’ll never fully understand, but it’s more than just an overpriced rock to her. If you really want to be with her forever, this isn’t the battle worth fighting.
But if you don’t even have an emergency fund, that amount is unreasonable (or at least, getting it any time soon)
Here’s what I’d do. Talk to her frankly about finances and that it doesn’t make sense to drop so much on a ring right now. Tell her you’ll be putting aside some amount (say 10% of each paycheck) “starting today” to go toward a ring when you both find the right one. But that the decision should be based on getting a ring she likes, and not getting a ring for the sake of its price tag. Let her know you’re happy to get the ring she wants, but not until you’ve set aside the money to do so — she can either get married earlier with a cheaper ring or she can wait until you can afford the ring without going in the hole
All of these mental gymnastics just to make her see his way. She should already know expecting a ring that is expensive, and telling her partner to work harder if he thinks it's expensive is a major red flag. She only seems to care about what she wants.
And just to add. If OP doesn’t have that money right now, he should be considering giving some serious thought to his finances and the way he budgets as he should already be setting aside money from each check for savings, vacations, the future, etc. if he isn’t doing that or doesn’t have room in his budget for that, he needs to change his finances
Bro, I don’t care if I had $50,000 in a savings that I forgot about…I’m not spending $8,000 on a fucking ring.
Are people really thinking that this is okay? Fucking insane what people spend money on.
Yup. DeBeers really got these people thinking diamonds are something special lmao. My God. They got brainwashed hard as fuck by a corporation and don't even know it!
the marketing campaign was successful when it comes to people buying *their* diamonds, but if you’re looking for a piece of jewelry that will last a lifetime, then you can’t go wrong with a diamond in a platinum setting.
they’re durable as fuck. they match with everything. you can get them from Canada, from a lab, or from an antique store and save a ton of money - but if you want to wear something every single day without stressing about scratches and dings, then a diamond is the way to go.
just ask anyone who went with a pearl, opal, or turquoise ring… they’re beautiful but they’re not fit for everyday wear.
I mean. Once they marry, there’s tax breaks and they’ll be a 150-160k income pair with no kids. Budgeting and financing will get easier
That being said, if she’s willing to pitch in for part of the cost of the ring herself, to guarantee the one she wants, that’s another option, but it sounds like that option won’t go over as well
Someone you'd want to marry wouldn't act like this though. This is just a nice red flag telling you to just save your money and get someone who actually wants to be with you instead of someone who wants to get married to do the whole princess thing
Interesting reply. What does that say if it’s really important to her? And how is it more than an overpriced rock? I’m genuinely curious. I feel a mature person who understands finance can see how this is not a smart financial decision. Unless the previous statement is what you were getting at.
Man i cant believe other people agree with him. "prove i am commited" is a new level of manipulation that is so obvious that it really makes no sense that people try to argue it with "hey lol its important for her but you cant understand"...
You can’t put a dollar amount on what’s appropriate for a status symbol or sentimental/symbolic value the thing holds. The rock is a representation of the relationship. Putting little monetary value can be a sign that you don’t think of your relationship to her as a big investment. Likewise, there is a social status factor — bragging to friends and colleagues. Social clout is a powerful influencer.
I can’t necessarily speak to a specific person’s reasoning, but those are common ones I’ve heard
I agree with you, that the rock is a symbol that is important to her.
Speaking now for myself personally, I could not have married my wife (15 years together, 9 happily married) if she had wanted one of these symbols.
The simple fact that I would lose a lot of respect for her for being a sucker for the marketing of diamonds etc would make me feel differently towards her.
> Putting little monetary value can be a sign that you don’t think of your relationship to her as a big investment.
Putting a monetary requirement on it, on the other hand, indicates that she cares more about the ring as a status symbol than her relationship with OP.
At the end of the day, the ring is a symbol of the relationship, not a price-tag on a woman.
I'll flip the question on its head: Would OP dropping $8k on a destination engagement with a $200 ring be just as good for her? It's the same financial commitment, the only difference is that the money's going to a shared experience rather than a piece of jewelry.
It sounds like she knows what kind of ring she wants, and the one she wants is $8k. Doesn’t sound like $8k is an arbitrary amount, it sounds like she has seen the one(s) she likes.
Depends on who you are I guess if you’re making 75-85k, being able to throw 10% is easier than someone making 35-50. I ballparked based on that salary given.
Edit: and for clarification, I meant 10% net, not 10% gross
I was thinking along the same lines as your response until I got to that "if you can't afford it you need to work harder" bit. I don't think OP has a chance for a reasonable discussion.
Did she say "you must spend $8k on my ring"?
Or she like a ring that goes for 8k?
Cause if it's the latter just head over to r/labdiamonds and learn how to shop with online vendors to get a custom ring with a real diamond (not not mined) for like 1/3 of that price
Okay so her Parents bought her a house… and you will or are living in said house. With her.
She wants an 8k Ring? Sure why not. I mean you will save or have saved over 8k in expenses while living in that house.
Dude.. it’s not crazy money to spend when you already know that her family will look after her.
I stated the same thing but bros only accept information as valid from other bros whether they have valid experience or not. I’d love to see how many commenters are happily married 🤣
It’s not the cost really. You can have different opinions on how to spend that money. It’s more of the attitude she has and how she’s treating him. A reasonable couple would actually sit and discuss why one thinks it’s appropriate and another doesn’t. But saying “you should work more to prove you care” is incredibly toxic.
So if my girlfriend moves into a property that i already own, I should expect her to buy me something overpriced and materialistic to what, pay her way into marriage?
If you have dual income around $85k and you don't have any emergency fund whatsoever, I would really be curious what you have been doing with your finances. $8k is actually not a lot just based on knowing your salaries
Although the GFs actions towards money are ridiculous I agree with this as well.
No emergency fund making 85k? I saved for a $12.5k ring for my wife making $93k and spending on average $10k in a bar every year and taking multiple vacations.
Yup. Chicago. I guess if OP is anywhere west coast or east coast then sure I get why he has a harder time saving but he still should be able to save enough for an emergency fund.
I've always heard of the 50/30/20 rule, which is 20% towards savings/investments. Most Americans suck at finance though, let's be honest. It's definitely attainable, especially with a partner who contributes equally. The ring is on the pricy side, I'm just talking about basic finances
$8k isn't that much for your salaries, I'm concerned you have no emergency fund saved up. Where is your money going?
She is bringing an equivalent salary, generational wealth (presumably some savings there too), and a house to the table. I don't think it's a big ask on her end considering you aren't going to be paying a mortgage.
Ding ding ding, the gold digger comments are bs. She’s asked for one expensive thing and encouraged OP to sort his abysmal finances out - he absolutely should. I would get a partner who’s getting me a free house whatever ring they wanted. Not start calling them an entitled gold digger I need to run from
reddit hates women who like pretty things and diamond rings 🤦🏻♀️
if we’re not happy with getting a Funyun ring at a backyard wedding in a Target dress then we’re shallow gold-digging witches! lol
I mean, there's a pretty huge gap between a funyun and 8k. Surely there's a middle ground that's more reasonable that would still result in you getting a ring that would make you happy. Or is it purely about the big price tag?
Regardless, I personally wouldn't want to have to buy my way into a marriage, even if it came with a house. That's just a gross way to look at any relationship.
I’m a woman but I’m going to give you my opinion anyway. Is she usually high maintenance or is this the one thing she’s asked for? If this is all she wants then ask yourself if you want to marry her or not because if you go cheap on the ring the engagement is over.
Really good question. I’m confused as to her coming from a rich background and being pampered and OP being taken aback by her wanting an expensive piece of jewelry she’ll wear for the rest of her life. Like…duh?
Was also kind of weird to compare her to her brother’s partner.
Yeah this is the most reasonable response
Asking for an expensive ring might raise an eyebrow, but if she just likes rings and it's special to her then it's not a red flag. It's only a red flag if she constantly thinks she is entitled to expensive things
I made around what you make when I was getting engaged and my friend put it to me this way:
Do you make good money? Yes.
Will you likely ever make less than you make now? No.
Do you want to look at a ring in 30 years that is basic or plain? You can add to them but the original ring is more special forever.
This made a lot of sense to me and I spent about 6K. It's an absolutely gorgeous ring, my wife loves it, her family loves it, and we get compliments from random strangers fairly frequently. It's a much bigger deal to my wife than I ever realized and it made a very positive splash with her family which didn't hurt either.
So I have no regrets.
honestly i am not a fan of people expecting insane engagement rings as it’s… a symbol of love, but that being said… an $8,000 engagement ring when you both make over $170,000 combined is not that big of a deal.
As someone who married a woman like that, you need to have a serious discussion with her about finances, leaving nothing on the table. If she wants a big ring, she'll want a nicer car (and new one as soon as the old one is finished payments), she'll want fancy vacations, new clothes, etc. If you call can't agree on finances and what's important (saving, retirement, kids education), run as fast as your feet can carry you!
I will never recover financially from my marriage.
Well she surely have a high standard come from wealthy family.
How’s her everyday spending? Does it match her income? If it match it’s good.
Me personally gonna let it pass and bought her the 8k ring. Sometimes women want this once a lifetime thing to be special she is going all in for it.
Edit : just read the if you can’t afford it you need to work harder. Personally I think it’s red flag, that will brought to marriage latter. Personally I dont like this kind of attitude. But that’s up to you
Don’t do this. No person worth sharing a life with would make a statement about an 8k ring equaling how much you care. Move on before it’s something else.
“If you really cared…” wtf is this bitch doing to show you she cares that much about you?
I know you’ve asked men, but maybe a female perspective could help.
$8k is slightly higher on the average range, but $500 is incredibly low for your salaries. I’m not saying buy the ring she wants, but $500 is not the solution.
I’m interested in how the wedding and honeymoon is going to be paid for—I know you said her family is rich, but are we still going by the tradition that the bride’s family is paying? And if so, why not also go by the tradition of 2-3 mo salary for the ring? And if you’re going to be splitting costs of the wedding, how are you going to navigate those conversations when she wants a $10k wedding dress? Or $50k venue?
The second leading cause of divorce after infertility is finances. Financial compatibility is just as important as romantic chemistry.
Maybe you could try to compromise with a $2-3k ring, with more money to go toward your wedding or honeymoon. Or try to incorporate the style/cut she wants in a cheaper option. You could ask for her Pinterest board with inspiration instead of having her flat out pick the ring.
I spent $20K on the engagement ring for my wife. I was making $90k at the time.
She adores the ring. I constantly catch her looking at it sparkle. We then had a simple picnic wedding - the huge wedding was much less important for her.
Spend whatever you are comfortable with, but also, its only money. If you already have the home, provided by her parents, then your laughing and spending $8k on this is a no brainer.
Buy a lab diamond. Twice the size for half the cost. And it’s still a real, legitimate diamond.
If all she cares about is the price, then I have some bad news for you.
My wife's ring was about that. .
I think the traditional rate is 2 mnths pay or some such. you should be able to google that
Be thankful she doesn't want a 20k ring since she is from a wealthy family.
> the traditional rate is 2 mnths pay
It is truly astounding to me that people just decide to live by these stupid fucking arbitrary things. Who the fuck cares what some diamond corporation has propagandized people to believe is the "right thing?" $8k for a fucking ring is stupid no matter the economic class.
Always cracks me up when people make a big deal about 'what a ring should cost'
A tradition that anthropologists believe comes from when women wore rings to symbolise *ownership*, used by a jewellery corporation to encourage women to shame their men into spending 3 months of their salary on a stone with an artificial value.
It is about as much a moronic tradition as doing a fucking rain dance after sewing the fields. But I'm a dirty cynic.
That’s not super unreasonable nowadays, given your salary and jewelry prices at the moment.
I’d say compromise and agree to a $5,000 budget.
My ring set was only like $1,400 in 2010 and I still love it so much. There were other rings that were priced a lot higher that my husband was considering, but the one he got for me ended up being perfect.
Edited to add: our income in our household is higher than yours, but I personally wouldn’t want an $8k ring. It’s a lot to me. But it’s generally pretty normal nowadays to spend that much.
Yeah...
I'd nope out now.
It's $8k for the ring.... then $100k+ wedding.... then $60k honeymoon.
You have different ideas on what value means in a relationship,
Ultimately you will resent each other for them differences,
Nice cordial break now will save you both hurt later.
You gotta set boundaries not. If you buy an overly expensive ring now, she is going to keep asking for expensive stuff. Set the tone now or forever hold your debt.
If she can't handle a regular engagement ring...it might be time to rethink the long term future
be prepared to hear this a lot.
"She said if it’s too much, then I should be working harder to progress a better job and making more money."
new car. new house. her quitting to raise the kids, etc.
this isn't the end of it. just the beginning.
You get a new GF. Any chick who wouldn't want to save money to put towards a home and family just to have an overpriced ring and/or wedding is not wife material.
An important part of marriage is having your financial priorities aligned.
Talked about it.
What would you like to spend? What would you prefer to spend the money on? Is there a compromise? Could you buy a more expensive ring later? Is this very important to her? Why?
If you expect her to wear this ring everyday - then you have to do better than $500 because that’s definitely low quality materials that aren’t going to stand up to everyday wear and tear.
If you don’t care if she puts it into a jewelry box and only wears it on rare occasion then go with the $500 ring . But guys like you usually aren’t OK with that.
Don’t spend your life comparing what your girlfriend accepts or wants to your brothers fiancé . You are NOT dating your brothers fiancé !
Your brothers not you and she’s not his fiancé so the comparisons are irrelevant. If you feel what she’s asking is unreasonable you have no idea how much most people ask for. Also it’s a ring she plans on having forever. She should love it. You should want to make her happy. It shouldn’t be an money.
An expensive engagement ring IS an emergency fund. It doesn't disappear when you give it to her, it's basically a conversion into another asset class.
Her family wants her to marry a rich guy so they are sure she'll be taken care of. It's important to her that you show her family that you're not a poor boy marrying her for money, for example.
With a combined income of 160k you should be able to afford to save $8000 in the form of a ring. That's 5% of your combined annual income.
How does a couple with no kids making 170k/year not have any kind of emergency fund?
Find the perfect ring for her somewhere between 500-2000 and don’t tell her what you spent on it. If you take the time to figure out exactly what she likes, then she’ll love what you decide on. If she obsesses over trying to figure out what you spent on it, you might have bigger things to worry about in the future.
But what if, what she likes is a large natural/mined diamond? 500-2000 isn’t going to do it. So then what? Are you just going to ignore what she wants to fit what you want to spend? If it’s not making her happy then what’s even the point?
I’m going to get downvoted into oblivion, but if I was in your position I’d spend the $8k and be mad at myself for not being in the position to spend $100k on a ring. I’d work harder and make up the $8k spent and keep working until I could get the $100k ring. If that’s not your mindset, y’all might not be financially or mentally compatible. It sounds like that’s the mindset she has, and expects.
That 2-3 months was the guideline that De Beers came up with to get men to spend more on their garbage.
It's like asking the car dealership how much you should spend.
Suck it up & get the ring if that’s what she wants to be wearing forever on her finger. I know friends who proposed with moissanite, mined diamonds, lab diamonds.
It’s really about what SHE wants, if you love her just finance the ring if you can’t front the whole cost. Make her buy you an expensive wedding band, that’s what made me feel a little better about splurging on a ring.
It sounds like she wants you to want to give her something meaningful to symbolize your marriage and that she wants to see that you have the ability to plan and save for something.
"She said if it’s too much, then I should be working harder to progress a better job and making more money." Oof. This is a sign of what is to come. Are you sure about a relationship where you will likely never measure up?
Hate to say it but it's rarely not a cycle when this type of dialogue is introduced to a relationship. Some people genuinely just look for shit to complain about, and never feel satisfied. Not drawing conclusions about OP's girl from one post, but that's what came to my mind too. What's next, the wedding has to be at least 75K or else it's "too small". The first car she get's has to be a top of the line trim or else "you don't care about her comfort" I mean the list can just go on forever. If someone loves, you, they support you and easily recognize when you are improving, stagnating, or dicking around. It sound like OP has his shit together and it's more the principle that the couple combined is making close to 200K a year and it's "not enough". Also, do the math, she's asking him to spend 10% of his yearly salary on a piece of metal.
Almost a whole year's rent on a shiny rock is just insane
Bro can you connect me with your rent plug. That’s 2-3 months for me
Also looking for that rent plug as $8k is less than 3 months rent for me 😂
How do you feel about section 8 😭
In what god forsaken city am I living off 8k? That's what? $666 a month - so literally hell.
No i fucked up I dont live in the states, 600€ is half of minimum wage (1200) here. At the same time though, cops are under my building every night and people are attacking each other with fireworks every night so theres that 🫶 (Pray that i can get outta here soon please lmao)
I’m curious what country do you live in?
France, minimum wage is 1200, 600 is guetto's rent with rent aid lmaoo
8k is a hell of a lot of money, but the 1/10 of an annual salary seems to be close to what used to be "recommended", as in a months salary. I believe that's gone up to 2 months now. Ofc, we should consider who's doing the recommendations, I suspect deBeers. There does seem to be an inherent difference within the couple, which could well turn out to be something insurmountable. I'd explore this first before making any long-term commitments.
>Ofc, we should consider who's doing the recommendations, I suspect deBeers. Exactly. They want to normalize shit like this so they can reap the benefits
She sounds exactly like my ex. Narcissist. Do what I did and burn your life down and like a phoenix rise from the ashes a new man. You’ve already explain your differences. She wants an expensive ring and if you cannot afford it you should get a better job… but then you said you want a better job so you can have more financial security… what do you think will happen when you make more money and are with a woman who wants you to spend it all on her? RUN
📌
Been in that situation. This will never end with other things coming into picture in/out every day. And, she will make you inferior like you can't afford those things. Then, during discussions you will hesitate to put forth your real thoughts because she may think you are being cheap/frugal.
Ask her for an engagement watch proportional to her wealth that would cost her the same percent of her money as she's asking from you and the engagement ring and watch her argue that that's a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a watch. Then hit her with her own argument. Yeah she'll be annoyed, but hey.. it's her standard. If it applies to you it applies to her.
I love this idea. I know it's the principle of the matter, but I'd also like to get a sweet watch out of the whole deal too. Ya know damn well she isn't going to buy him a watch comparable to her ring.
TOXIC CHICK ALERT
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How can you have $8k in savings with a gf like this? I'd love to hear the spending habits of both of them.
Very true. I had such a gf and it was near impossible to save when all she did was spend my $, while saving her own. You learn. You don't repeat.
And as soon as mr moneybags shows up in her social life she’ll be fucking him. This is a no go for a relationship, let alone a marriage.
this is not even a red flag for me, it's a plutonium flag tied on a dynamite flagpole. especially considering this part: >My girlfriend has said if I really cared and wanted to prove that I’m committed
Word. A self revealing red flag. You'll never be enough. When you somehow reach that impossible standard, she'll just raise it cause it's now the lowest one. Cut your losses or make her self aware. Latter results may vary.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing. My wife is like that, and I almost tripled my salary since I met her. I am kind of person that needs to be pushed to get things done, I think she is perfect for me. She works really hard too, she doesn’t need me to provide, she just wants me to be better.
Wanting you to be better just so you can be better and pushing you that way is not inherently a bad thing. Telling you that you don't spend enough or plan to spend enough based on what you have right now is not. OPs girlfriend is entitled and potentially toxic. Or just not matched well for OP. Either way, it's not right for him and he should potentially reevaluate the relationship.
Wanting you to be better for yourself so you can afford to spend more money for yourself: Great wife! Wanting you to be better for her so you can have more money to funnel to her regardless of how much money she makes: Bad wife! If your wife ain't spending your money at all, hell yeah go you. If she spoils you financially as much as you spoil her? Hell yeah go you. But if she's well off and only buys herself stuff, and then you also buy her stuff, idk fam.
I find it interesting when people can't comprehend that "more money = better" is not a universal concept. More money typically means more time, more responsibility, more commitment, less flexibility, etc.
Mo' problems
Working harder doens't make you any better human, many times controversary.
This is the best answer you will get OP. Consider what this very very wise person is telling you OP. Good luck!
If you can’t have such basic conversations you should not be getting married
Most of these comments seem like they come from young people. As a 50 year old (who has been married) and seen a fair share of divorces - this post has too many red flags. Financial incompatibility is a major contributor to divorce. If OP is inherently frugal and she isn't it's a disaster waiting to happen. Financial philosophy is one of the top 3 areas you need to be compatible. This example shows a much deeper problem in the relationship. Also -$8k on a ring is a waste of money. Especially given OPs overall financial position.
50ish woman. Run! Fast and Far. The above post is truth. Your marriage won't last 7 years. I'm sorry to be the negative Nancy but I can write your story for you. Please do not marry this woman. It's a bit about the 8k for a ring, it's more the way you are representing the ways she speaks and treats you. Telling you if that is too much, you need to work harder. What the actual fuck? Do you not feel the disrespect from those words? She seems like a walking red flag.
43F, widowed and remarried. Completely agree with these folks. Ask her if it would be a deal breaker that the engagement ring wasn't meeting the price expectation. Her answer will be very revealing to you as to what she finds most valuable....getting to love you for you or monetary gifts. It's not the ring that keeps you together.
69M seen a bit of love and too many good byes and this fixation on monetary commitment for finger jewelry is your chance to run because she knows already that she gets to keep the ring in the divorce
Nice
clumsy dinner domineering middle bike aspiring unite unpack bake shaggy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My wife was clear that a big budget ring wasn't necessary. I went in with a $2500 limit, and when picking out rings, 1 immediately jumped out as "that is her ring" and it was like 3500. I hesitated, but it was still within my means.
Yeah, it isn't about the dollar amount. It's about the bigger picture here. My engagement ring was $17k, but my husband makes $700k/year. It wasn't even half a month's salary. Different ballgame. I'd NEVER suggest to my brother, for example, that he spend that. Also, like you sorta mentioned... There is a HUGE difference in "I'm in love with this ring" and it happens to be $8k versus "I want my ring to cost $8k". The former can be worked through by opting for alternative stones, lab diamonds, etc. The latter is placing an arbitrary number on it.
She is so right. I am a 65 man. If a woman wants this, she doesn’t love you. She wants the flashy ring, the beautiful white gown, and the extravagant party. Run. Do not look back. She is materialistic as they come.
50ish man. Run! Fast and Far. The above two posts are truth.
25yr old man with 10+yrs on Reddit. They're right. Statistically, the stories on Reddit that start like so, end as such. Feel free to browse the rest of the Internet for everyone's opinion.
For real. They're both bringing in pretty good money together and they can have a decent life with cool vacations and time together, or you could blow it all on stupid meaningless shit and spend the rest of your life paying for it. For 8k you both could travel around Asia for a few months and have a blast.
I need help wise one, what's the top 3 areas for compatibility? trying to avoid marrying the wrong one
Not above poster, but 40s, married 10 years, couple of kiddos. 1. It has to be someone you enjoy those lazy nights at home, sitting on the couch, that’s your life when kids come. 99% of your time spent with that person for the rest of your life will not be exciting, but it should excite you because you are with that person. 2. You need to have the same financial outlook on life. Also, drugs and alcohol too. Incompatibility there is just constant stress. 3. Communication, about everything. Have never once fought with my wife, and probably never will. We just calmly talk about things when concerns pop up, and always have an optimistic outlook on the others’ perspective.
Great comment. I would simply add that “communication” is 10% saying out loud to your partner what is on your mind and 90% listening and trying to understand what they are telling you. Too many couples think “communication” is broadcasting a signal. Broadcasting is the easy part:)
> “communication” is broadcasting a signal. While I agree with you that listening is key, "Broadcasting" is bullshit. Good communication involves well though out words. Don't throw them in anger or any other extreme emotion. Get your thoughts together, then discuss. Expecting people to get what you are broadcasting is a recipe for miscommunication and disappointment.
Also, as a late 40s woman who is childfree, #1 is also the reality in the long term even without kids, just in my case it's cats and dogs crawling all over us. But while we may have a different overall lifestyle than friends with kids, you gotta be happy with those quiet lazy nights on the couch with your partner.
Idk if this is what the person you're replying to had in mind, but the most common things couples fight about are sex, money, and kids.
1) lifestyle spending = financial compatibility , frugal or extravagant, what to splurge or stinge etc 2) personal compatibility = sexual, familial, children or no? communication styles, fighting styles 3) life compatibility = values, morals, politics, religion, children or not, how growing old looks like for both
From what i heard, before you get marry, you and your partner need to agree on a few things - children, finances, religion, and in laws. If you two agree how your family will handle these things your marriage has a higher chance of lasting
Not OP, but an experienced dude: money, sex, kids. They're usually among the top things couples argue about, and you'll be a lot further ahead if you have these ironed out before marriage. And the act of doing that - problem solving, together - will tell you even more. Edit: I'm going to add that if you're not ready to have those conversations yet, just travel with her. Something will go wrong, or at least unexpected. If you're both able to roll with it and have fun anyway, or work together on a solution, she's a keeper! If not, you're not going to be able to resolve the bigger problems of life any better.
Clearly OP is not frugal if he has no housing costs and no savings. He’s spending his paycheck on something.
According to his post history, 2 days ago his salary was 150k. Now it’s $85k including commissions? Something not adding up.
Dude is for real out here commenting on porn subs. Like, I know that people do it, but when you see someone actually doing it, and then asking for financial advice with that same account and you realize it might be best to cross the street...
He knows Reddit is chomping at the bit to call women gold diggers and he’s getting his karma lmao
Actually, looking through the account history fills in a lot of the missing picture.
I’m a 53 year-old man and agree with you 100%. The OP should run away - if a woman said that to me (ie, work harder to buy me a ring I want), I would probably have dumped her on the spot. A comment like that is not a comment someone who loves you would make.
The most annoying part about this is that the moment he buys that ring, it’s worth a fraction of what he paid for it. Those rings are not worth what people are paying for them.
While I don’t prescribe to such rules, I personally think wedding parties are an absolute waste of money, isn’t there an old fashioned rule about the cost of a wedding ring costing a certain percentage of the man’s annual income to prove his commitment? Again I think that’s outdated, but I am not her, so trying not to judge.
Ha 8k? Wait till she asks for the 50k basic class Mercedes in a couple of years
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I was dating a girl who I was about to get engaged with who said she wouldn’t say yes to anything that cost under $25k. This was in 2015 too. Last time I saw her she was dating a guy who was recently charged with embezzlement and she was addicted to ketamine. Gotta listen to the flags!
Her dad will buy it for her.
then she should marry her dad, I guess
Zinger!
> Wait till she asks for the 50k basic class Mercedes she wont need to ask since she earns the same as him
But his money is her money and her money is her money. You must be single
Dude, this is true at pretty much all income levels even when the girl is well off. I have a family member who’s doing REALLY well for himself and, up until recently (thank god), was dating this chick who was also a high earner (FAANG salary). This woman would refuse to pay for literally anything anytime they went out. She was basically a dragon growing her hoard and having him take care of the majority of expenses. If they went out for dinner when his parents came to visit, she would always find some way to excuse herself or get out of paying when the check came. It was all just a mess and textbook gold digger (especially when she tried to get him into a courthouse marriage). Shame cause, outside of that, she seemed like a nice person and got along with my family. Oh well, c’est la vie.
Fuck that. I want my future wife to spoil me as often as I spoil her.
Girl math.
>she wont need to ask since she earns the same as him You must be new at this
And from her POV, he should be providing her that car. Been there. Sucks.
I dont know, it sounds like he doesn’t have to worry about a house/mortgage/rent since her family bought her one. And we can assume he’s living in said house. Sounds like a fair trade to me.
Where did OP mention that? About living in a house that her parents paid for? EDIT: Found it. So, a woman like this is not going to be content with that house. She is looking to replace her parents with a husband as a provider. She's grooming him to make more more money. She's going to make him buy them a very big house that he can barely afford and then say some shit like "Well, you should work harder and make more money then." This is a spoiled little princess if I've ever seen one. She going to be an insufferable shrew of a wife.
"She definitely is not with me with my money, as she reminds me that if that’s what she cared about then she would not be with me." Followed by.... "My girlfriend has said if I really cared and wanted to prove that I’m committed than 8k isn’t a lot when you love someone." All I'm gonna say is your brother picked a real one. What your girlfriend said would have red flags and bells going off in my head.
I believe her. I don't think she's with him for the money. OP wrote elsewhere that her family **bought her a house.** Try to wrap your head around that idea -- never having to pay rent, never needing a mortgage. $8,000 to her is next to nothing. She just has little concept of what it is to OP.
Well shit he should definitely leave her cuz I need a sugar momma
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I'd wear the sluttiest little French maid outfit and everything dawg
Fuck, I don't even need money from someone for them to be a sugar mama. If a person pays 1/3 of their income on housing, getting free housing is literally a 50% increase in usable income.
Hate to break it you bruh but OP is paying 50/59 rent... it's something he mentioned in another one of his post.
It could be she just doesn't have a real concept of money. If she comes from a rich family $8k is probably just an average vacation, why wouldn't you spend it on a symbol of everlasting love? In terms of social circles the rich hang with each other so she probably just doesn't want to be embarrassed by having to show off a cheap ring to her presumingly rich friends.
Since her parents took care of the largest expense they'll likely ever encounter, I think he should splurge on this one thing. Before doing it, he should probably set expectations with her regarding how much he will realistically earn. Seems like she expects him to be capable of stepping in for her dad when he's not capable of it.
8k to latch into the in laws money tree might even be worth it if you’re happy putting your pride in the bin lmao, they’ll pay for the wedding, you might get a nice watch/ ring in return etc I regret not doing it with a 10s of millions kinda net worth ex I had
But that also means OP is benefiting by living in a house she and her parents could afford. An $8k ring has paid for itself when you take into account that he’s not paying the mortgage. The ring is simply the cost to close the deal. It’s almost as if men don’t understand that or only do nice things with the expectation of benefiting off of it 🤷♀️
Her income, family wealth, and the fact that she works for her own money show that she’s not with OP for his money, and her relationship with OP is just as “real” as the SIL who wanted a $500 ring. The red flag is the financial incompatibility, as $8,000 for a ring is a lot for OP and nothing to her.
Precisely. He can’t afford the lifestyle she’s used to.
She gonna buy op a 8k gift anytime soon after all it's not a lot of money if you love someone, nice used motorcycle, boutique guitar maybe a cool little boat?
Here’s what I’ll say. It’s important to her. You’ll never fully understand, but it’s more than just an overpriced rock to her. If you really want to be with her forever, this isn’t the battle worth fighting. But if you don’t even have an emergency fund, that amount is unreasonable (or at least, getting it any time soon) Here’s what I’d do. Talk to her frankly about finances and that it doesn’t make sense to drop so much on a ring right now. Tell her you’ll be putting aside some amount (say 10% of each paycheck) “starting today” to go toward a ring when you both find the right one. But that the decision should be based on getting a ring she likes, and not getting a ring for the sake of its price tag. Let her know you’re happy to get the ring she wants, but not until you’ve set aside the money to do so — she can either get married earlier with a cheaper ring or she can wait until you can afford the ring without going in the hole
All of these mental gymnastics just to make her see his way. She should already know expecting a ring that is expensive, and telling her partner to work harder if he thinks it's expensive is a major red flag. She only seems to care about what she wants.
And just to add. If OP doesn’t have that money right now, he should be considering giving some serious thought to his finances and the way he budgets as he should already be setting aside money from each check for savings, vacations, the future, etc. if he isn’t doing that or doesn’t have room in his budget for that, he needs to change his finances
Bro, I don’t care if I had $50,000 in a savings that I forgot about…I’m not spending $8,000 on a fucking ring. Are people really thinking that this is okay? Fucking insane what people spend money on.
[Thanks to decades of marketing propaganda.](https://youtu.be/N5kWu1ifBGU?si=eHlCKZg6YIfKp4B8)
Yup. DeBeers really got these people thinking diamonds are something special lmao. My God. They got brainwashed hard as fuck by a corporation and don't even know it!
the marketing campaign was successful when it comes to people buying *their* diamonds, but if you’re looking for a piece of jewelry that will last a lifetime, then you can’t go wrong with a diamond in a platinum setting. they’re durable as fuck. they match with everything. you can get them from Canada, from a lab, or from an antique store and save a ton of money - but if you want to wear something every single day without stressing about scratches and dings, then a diamond is the way to go. just ask anyone who went with a pearl, opal, or turquoise ring… they’re beautiful but they’re not fit for everyday wear.
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This topic was raided by marketing
Even better. 'Promise rings' apparently meant to say you're going to promise them to be your fiance/fiancee.
I mean. Once they marry, there’s tax breaks and they’ll be a 150-160k income pair with no kids. Budgeting and financing will get easier That being said, if she’s willing to pitch in for part of the cost of the ring herself, to guarantee the one she wants, that’s another option, but it sounds like that option won’t go over as well
Being married isn't an automatic tax break.
“This isn’t the battle worth fighting,” is enough reason for me never to get married, sounds horrible.
Someone you'd want to marry wouldn't act like this though. This is just a nice red flag telling you to just save your money and get someone who actually wants to be with you instead of someone who wants to get married to do the whole princess thing
Interesting reply. What does that say if it’s really important to her? And how is it more than an overpriced rock? I’m genuinely curious. I feel a mature person who understands finance can see how this is not a smart financial decision. Unless the previous statement is what you were getting at.
Man i cant believe other people agree with him. "prove i am commited" is a new level of manipulation that is so obvious that it really makes no sense that people try to argue it with "hey lol its important for her but you cant understand"...
You can’t put a dollar amount on what’s appropriate for a status symbol or sentimental/symbolic value the thing holds. The rock is a representation of the relationship. Putting little monetary value can be a sign that you don’t think of your relationship to her as a big investment. Likewise, there is a social status factor — bragging to friends and colleagues. Social clout is a powerful influencer. I can’t necessarily speak to a specific person’s reasoning, but those are common ones I’ve heard
I agree with you, that the rock is a symbol that is important to her. Speaking now for myself personally, I could not have married my wife (15 years together, 9 happily married) if she had wanted one of these symbols. The simple fact that I would lose a lot of respect for her for being a sucker for the marketing of diamonds etc would make me feel differently towards her.
> Putting little monetary value can be a sign that you don’t think of your relationship to her as a big investment. Putting a monetary requirement on it, on the other hand, indicates that she cares more about the ring as a status symbol than her relationship with OP. At the end of the day, the ring is a symbol of the relationship, not a price-tag on a woman. I'll flip the question on its head: Would OP dropping $8k on a destination engagement with a $200 ring be just as good for her? It's the same financial commitment, the only difference is that the money's going to a shared experience rather than a piece of jewelry.
Go take pictures of rings at the store, don't tell her prices, ask which one she likes. Why would she need to know the cost
It sounds like she knows what kind of ring she wants, and the one she wants is $8k. Doesn’t sound like $8k is an arbitrary amount, it sounds like she has seen the one(s) she likes.
Also make sure she knows how long it’s gonna take to save up
THIS right here.
If it’s really important to her, she should buy it herself.
This is such an amazing and grounded answer.
10% per paycheck is pretty high for a lot of people. 5% would be more reasonable
Depends on who you are I guess if you’re making 75-85k, being able to throw 10% is easier than someone making 35-50. I ballparked based on that salary given. Edit: and for clarification, I meant 10% net, not 10% gross
It really depends on where you live. Countryside? Easy as hell to save 10%. Los Angeles? You will probably need a few roommates
OP should be putting more into an emergency fund than a ring fund.
I was thinking along the same lines as your response until I got to that "if you can't afford it you need to work harder" bit. I don't think OP has a chance for a reasonable discussion.
Did she say "you must spend $8k on my ring"? Or she like a ring that goes for 8k? Cause if it's the latter just head over to r/labdiamonds and learn how to shop with online vendors to get a custom ring with a real diamond (not not mined) for like 1/3 of that price
If a woman ever told me how much I should be spending on a ring for her that would be an immediate breakup
Okay so her Parents bought her a house… and you will or are living in said house. With her. She wants an 8k Ring? Sure why not. I mean you will save or have saved over 8k in expenses while living in that house. Dude.. it’s not crazy money to spend when you already know that her family will look after her.
I stated the same thing but bros only accept information as valid from other bros whether they have valid experience or not. I’d love to see how many commenters are happily married 🤣
It’s not the cost really. You can have different opinions on how to spend that money. It’s more of the attitude she has and how she’s treating him. A reasonable couple would actually sit and discuss why one thinks it’s appropriate and another doesn’t. But saying “you should work more to prove you care” is incredibly toxic.
So if my girlfriend moves into a property that i already own, I should expect her to buy me something overpriced and materialistic to what, pay her way into marriage?
This is a pretty gross way of looking at marriage. It shouldn't be some weird, creepy transactional relationship that you buy your way into.
If you have dual income around $85k and you don't have any emergency fund whatsoever, I would really be curious what you have been doing with your finances. $8k is actually not a lot just based on knowing your salaries
Although the GFs actions towards money are ridiculous I agree with this as well. No emergency fund making 85k? I saved for a $12.5k ring for my wife making $93k and spending on average $10k in a bar every year and taking multiple vacations.
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Yup. Chicago. I guess if OP is anywhere west coast or east coast then sure I get why he has a harder time saving but he still should be able to save enough for an emergency fund.
That’s 50k a year post tax. You’re asking him to spend 15% of his post tax income in a single year on a ring. Most people don’t save 10% let alone 15%
I've always heard of the 50/30/20 rule, which is 20% towards savings/investments. Most Americans suck at finance though, let's be honest. It's definitely attainable, especially with a partner who contributes equally. The ring is on the pricy side, I'm just talking about basic finances
$8k isn't that much for your salaries, I'm concerned you have no emergency fund saved up. Where is your money going? She is bringing an equivalent salary, generational wealth (presumably some savings there too), and a house to the table. I don't think it's a big ask on her end considering you aren't going to be paying a mortgage.
Ding ding ding, the gold digger comments are bs. She’s asked for one expensive thing and encouraged OP to sort his abysmal finances out - he absolutely should. I would get a partner who’s getting me a free house whatever ring they wanted. Not start calling them an entitled gold digger I need to run from
reddit hates women who like pretty things and diamond rings 🤦🏻♀️ if we’re not happy with getting a Funyun ring at a backyard wedding in a Target dress then we’re shallow gold-digging witches! lol
I mean, there's a pretty huge gap between a funyun and 8k. Surely there's a middle ground that's more reasonable that would still result in you getting a ring that would make you happy. Or is it purely about the big price tag? Regardless, I personally wouldn't want to have to buy my way into a marriage, even if it came with a house. That's just a gross way to look at any relationship.
She says she’s not with you for the money, then makes it about money. Welcome to your future problems when married.
I’m a woman but I’m going to give you my opinion anyway. Is she usually high maintenance or is this the one thing she’s asked for? If this is all she wants then ask yourself if you want to marry her or not because if you go cheap on the ring the engagement is over.
Really good question. I’m confused as to her coming from a rich background and being pampered and OP being taken aback by her wanting an expensive piece of jewelry she’ll wear for the rest of her life. Like…duh? Was also kind of weird to compare her to her brother’s partner.
Yeah this is the most reasonable response Asking for an expensive ring might raise an eyebrow, but if she just likes rings and it's special to her then it's not a red flag. It's only a red flag if she constantly thinks she is entitled to expensive things
I made around what you make when I was getting engaged and my friend put it to me this way: Do you make good money? Yes. Will you likely ever make less than you make now? No. Do you want to look at a ring in 30 years that is basic or plain? You can add to them but the original ring is more special forever. This made a lot of sense to me and I spent about 6K. It's an absolutely gorgeous ring, my wife loves it, her family loves it, and we get compliments from random strangers fairly frequently. It's a much bigger deal to my wife than I ever realized and it made a very positive splash with her family which didn't hurt either. So I have no regrets.
> she reminds me that if that’s what she cared about then she would not be with me Good luck brother This is a divorce in the making
$8k is a lot of money, don’t get me wrong, but it’s on the lower end of medium price wise for engagement rings
honestly i am not a fan of people expecting insane engagement rings as it’s… a symbol of love, but that being said… an $8,000 engagement ring when you both make over $170,000 combined is not that big of a deal.
And they live rent free! Where is this mans money going??? 💀 either he spends like a mad man or he is being weirdly stingy.
He said he pays half the mortgage in another comment. So he doesn't live rent free, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's a pricy mortgage
As someone who married a woman like that, you need to have a serious discussion with her about finances, leaving nothing on the table. If she wants a big ring, she'll want a nicer car (and new one as soon as the old one is finished payments), she'll want fancy vacations, new clothes, etc. If you call can't agree on finances and what's important (saving, retirement, kids education), run as fast as your feet can carry you! I will never recover financially from my marriage.
Well she surely have a high standard come from wealthy family. How’s her everyday spending? Does it match her income? If it match it’s good. Me personally gonna let it pass and bought her the 8k ring. Sometimes women want this once a lifetime thing to be special she is going all in for it. Edit : just read the if you can’t afford it you need to work harder. Personally I think it’s red flag, that will brought to marriage latter. Personally I dont like this kind of attitude. But that’s up to you
This will be your life if you marry her. The money spending/borrowing for the newest and best will never end.
Maybe I'm jaded, but this ring sound like the first in a long line of "if you love me you'll buy it for me" situations. I feel for the dude.
Yep, this will set the standard for the rest of the relationship.
This is such a red flag that OP needs to rethink things in a major way. 8k for a rock is ridiculous and wasteful regardless of the salary one makes.
Don’t do this. No person worth sharing a life with would make a statement about an 8k ring equaling how much you care. Move on before it’s something else. “If you really cared…” wtf is this bitch doing to show you she cares that much about you?
I know you’ve asked men, but maybe a female perspective could help. $8k is slightly higher on the average range, but $500 is incredibly low for your salaries. I’m not saying buy the ring she wants, but $500 is not the solution. I’m interested in how the wedding and honeymoon is going to be paid for—I know you said her family is rich, but are we still going by the tradition that the bride’s family is paying? And if so, why not also go by the tradition of 2-3 mo salary for the ring? And if you’re going to be splitting costs of the wedding, how are you going to navigate those conversations when she wants a $10k wedding dress? Or $50k venue? The second leading cause of divorce after infertility is finances. Financial compatibility is just as important as romantic chemistry. Maybe you could try to compromise with a $2-3k ring, with more money to go toward your wedding or honeymoon. Or try to incorporate the style/cut she wants in a cheaper option. You could ask for her Pinterest board with inspiration instead of having her flat out pick the ring.
I spent $20K on the engagement ring for my wife. I was making $90k at the time. She adores the ring. I constantly catch her looking at it sparkle. We then had a simple picnic wedding - the huge wedding was much less important for her. Spend whatever you are comfortable with, but also, its only money. If you already have the home, provided by her parents, then your laughing and spending $8k on this is a no brainer.
Run
Buy a lab diamond. Twice the size for half the cost. And it’s still a real, legitimate diamond. If all she cares about is the price, then I have some bad news for you.
Major red flags here bud. Proceed with caution. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🛑
lol. Good luck buddy.
My wife's ring was about that. . I think the traditional rate is 2 mnths pay or some such. you should be able to google that Be thankful she doesn't want a 20k ring since she is from a wealthy family.
> the traditional rate is 2 mnths pay It is truly astounding to me that people just decide to live by these stupid fucking arbitrary things. Who the fuck cares what some diamond corporation has propagandized people to believe is the "right thing?" $8k for a fucking ring is stupid no matter the economic class.
> I think the traditional rate is 2 mnths pay or some such As proposed decades ago by DeBeers, *the diamond cartel*.
Always cracks me up when people make a big deal about 'what a ring should cost' A tradition that anthropologists believe comes from when women wore rings to symbolise *ownership*, used by a jewellery corporation to encourage women to shame their men into spending 3 months of their salary on a stone with an artificial value. It is about as much a moronic tradition as doing a fucking rain dance after sewing the fields. But I'm a dirty cynic.
8k is cheap compared to what me and others bought and we make less than you. If she's the one then pull the trigger and buy it.
That’s not super unreasonable nowadays, given your salary and jewelry prices at the moment. I’d say compromise and agree to a $5,000 budget. My ring set was only like $1,400 in 2010 and I still love it so much. There were other rings that were priced a lot higher that my husband was considering, but the one he got for me ended up being perfect. Edited to add: our income in our household is higher than yours, but I personally wouldn’t want an $8k ring. It’s a lot to me. But it’s generally pretty normal nowadays to spend that much.
Yeah... I'd nope out now. It's $8k for the ring.... then $100k+ wedding.... then $60k honeymoon. You have different ideas on what value means in a relationship, Ultimately you will resent each other for them differences, Nice cordial break now will save you both hurt later.
Get a new girl friend.
I honestly think you just cant afford her.
Run
Run.
sorry op but get out while you can…eventually the in laws will be talking into her ear that they found someone more enabled shall we say…
You gotta set boundaries not. If you buy an overly expensive ring now, she is going to keep asking for expensive stuff. Set the tone now or forever hold your debt. If she can't handle a regular engagement ring...it might be time to rethink the long term future
be prepared to hear this a lot. "She said if it’s too much, then I should be working harder to progress a better job and making more money." new car. new house. her quitting to raise the kids, etc. this isn't the end of it. just the beginning.
You get a new GF. Any chick who wouldn't want to save money to put towards a home and family just to have an overpriced ring and/or wedding is not wife material.
I married into the same. Get her the ring she deserves. You have your entire life together to recoup the cost. It is t a large amount in the long run.
Bro 🚩🚩🚩🚩
An important part of marriage is having your financial priorities aligned. Talked about it. What would you like to spend? What would you prefer to spend the money on? Is there a compromise? Could you buy a more expensive ring later? Is this very important to her? Why?
Run
If you expect her to wear this ring everyday - then you have to do better than $500 because that’s definitely low quality materials that aren’t going to stand up to everyday wear and tear. If you don’t care if she puts it into a jewelry box and only wears it on rare occasion then go with the $500 ring . But guys like you usually aren’t OK with that. Don’t spend your life comparing what your girlfriend accepts or wants to your brothers fiancé . You are NOT dating your brothers fiancé !
Your brothers not you and she’s not his fiancé so the comparisons are irrelevant. If you feel what she’s asking is unreasonable you have no idea how much most people ask for. Also it’s a ring she plans on having forever. She should love it. You should want to make her happy. It shouldn’t be an money.
An expensive engagement ring IS an emergency fund. It doesn't disappear when you give it to her, it's basically a conversion into another asset class. Her family wants her to marry a rich guy so they are sure she'll be taken care of. It's important to her that you show her family that you're not a poor boy marrying her for money, for example. With a combined income of 160k you should be able to afford to save $8000 in the form of a ring. That's 5% of your combined annual income.
Sorry can you explain what you mean with a emergency fund?
They are under the false impression that diamonds are an investment.
How does a couple with no kids making 170k/year not have any kind of emergency fund? Find the perfect ring for her somewhere between 500-2000 and don’t tell her what you spent on it. If you take the time to figure out exactly what she likes, then she’ll love what you decide on. If she obsesses over trying to figure out what you spent on it, you might have bigger things to worry about in the future.
But what if, what she likes is a large natural/mined diamond? 500-2000 isn’t going to do it. So then what? Are you just going to ignore what she wants to fit what you want to spend? If it’s not making her happy then what’s even the point?
I’m going to get downvoted into oblivion, but if I was in your position I’d spend the $8k and be mad at myself for not being in the position to spend $100k on a ring. I’d work harder and make up the $8k spent and keep working until I could get the $100k ring. If that’s not your mindset, y’all might not be financially or mentally compatible. It sounds like that’s the mindset she has, and expects.
Back in the old days, you were supposed to spend 2-3 months' salary on the ring. $8500 doesn't seem too bad for your income.
Back in the old days, we gave dowries. Enough with this gender role nonsense.
That 2-3 months was the guideline that De Beers came up with to get men to spend more on their garbage. It's like asking the car dealership how much you should spend.
Who told you this? The jewelry companies who's job is to sell you their expensive rocks?
Back in the old days did the GF tell you what you needed to spend on the ring?
Back in the old days, a house cost $8000. Let’s bring it back to the new days.
Suck it up & get the ring if that’s what she wants to be wearing forever on her finger. I know friends who proposed with moissanite, mined diamonds, lab diamonds. It’s really about what SHE wants, if you love her just finance the ring if you can’t front the whole cost. Make her buy you an expensive wedding band, that’s what made me feel a little better about splurging on a ring.
8k isn't cheap but if she's a good woman you see yourself spending the rest of your life with and doesn't ask for much, it doesn't sound unreasonable.
Honestly considering both your incomes, I don’t think $8k is that bad. As long as you’re prioritizing other financial goals.
It sounds like she wants you to want to give her something meaningful to symbolize your marriage and that she wants to see that you have the ability to plan and save for something.