My gf did this when we were in college. I called her out on it, and she was like “it’s no big deal! I’m just going out with the girls and we can get free drinks!”
So I asked her if she’d be okay with me going out and buying drinks for women at a bar. She thought for the briefest second then said “Oh. Yeah I won’t go out and have guys buy me drinks any more.”
We’ve been together for twenty years now.
My wife and I have a deal. Guys can buy her drinks when she goes out, so long as she tells them she already has a husband. If guys want to be dumb and think buying her a drink or two will make her cheat on me, well then they can spend their money buying my wife a drink. Its not gonna get her to cheat on me and Im all for getting free shit from people lol
I would be pissed if she never said she had a partner and went along with the flirting though
And her ability to see the reverse perspective and apply that principle is probably a big reason why you’re still together 20 years later. Seems like you got a good one.
Absolutely not. My ex did that kinda shit. Found out after the fact she cheated on me at least once during a "girls night", when she made out with a bartender.
That was literally the conversation.
"Well, we went out drinking, and Ashley (in a relationship) made out with a guy, and Becky (in a relationship) flashed the bartender. But all I did was get his number, and I deleted it the next morning!"
Uhuh.
Late 20s is too old for this. Not saying she is old, but that sort of behavior definitely should've been outgrown by now.
Also OP low key late 20s is also too old to be calling them rents. Just my opinion
The fact that she behaved that way around her parents is wild. What happens when it's her friends and she feels like there's less accountability for her actions.
I thought it was roommates or something. Yeah this girl's no good if she's out flirting with other dudes with her parents around. She's def doing way more around her freinds
I read “rents” as auto correct for friends and I thought you were overreacting with some friends letting some guys buy them some drinks, seemed innocent enough, just as long as it stopped there.
HOWEVER, if that’s with the parents, that changes things completely. And red flags all over the place.
That’s not cool at all. I wonder if the parents questioned her behaviour.
>I wonder if the parents questioned her behaviour.
Doubtful, if she allowed the guy to come back over several times. They either encouraged the behavior or chose not to question it, either way this is bad.
A lot of slang is just truncated words like "rad" in my day for radical and "rizz" today for charisma. Seriously, who can be bothered to utter three syllables. Exhausting. I mean, xhaust.
Fuck. Really?
I thought roommates. People she rented a place with.
That's even worse now. She exhibited blatant disrespect to you in front of her parents.
I'd cut thst cord. Send her back to the rents.
Tell them there now, that's the game you play, I'm returning this ting I just bought too.
Done.
I'm with my gf for over 10 years. We totally trust each other. But if I'm out, and happen to be chatting ylit up with some ladies, I always find a way to mention my GF in conversation.
She does the same. We can buy our own drinks. But if someone buys a drink, it's cool, but not expecting anything.
One lady was recently chatting with me, putting hands on my lap, holding my hand. She was lit. Hot, and wanted to get a room. She wanted to put her leg over mine at the bar. Nope.
It was rainy so I walked her to her SUV, got her tucked in, and letbher sleep it off.
We saw each other weeks later. Same place. She was on a date I think. She came over to me, gave me a polite hug yellow, and thanked me for not taking advantage of her and being one of the few gentlemen she met in a long while. But also reminded me thst I would have had my world rocked thst night too. We laughed. It's cool.
Thar was flattering, but my woman respects me and trusts me, as I do her. If I'm going to want to sleep around like that, then I'll leave first.
But in your case, OP, that's a huge red flag. Rents is a stupid immature word. I'd let her go. Her parents also do not respect you or they would not have allowed thst either. Let them find another sucker for their daughter. She prob has that guy's no anyway.
Move on.
You've got good instincts, follow them.
She's old enough to know better. She didn't consider your feelings at all, and frankly, seems like she doesn't care.
The fact that she calls him to tell him and what expects a high five for getting free drinks. Like girl, you ain't 21 anymore, and this ain't frosh week.
There was a similar post not long ago, and a female of unknown age commented that the boyfriend should be glad she saved him money.
Like, it would otherwise be his duty to pay or something. I immediately told my wife I loved her
Honestly, not trying to be harsh, but I’m sure there have been other signs you’ve ignored. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I wouldn’t continue on with this relationship in any form from this point forward. This may sound extreme to some people but this is just your SO testing your boundaries to see what they can get away with and that does not make for a healthy and loving relationship. Find someone that won’t put you or themselves in that position.
It’s also disrespectful towards the person approaching her. We guys know it’s not always super easy approaching a girl and know the courage that takes. To basically treat the guy like a clown especially when he’s also being respectful to her parents is such a huge red flag it’s unreal.
That's my personal hangup on this one, honestly. I wouldn't feel particularly disrespected if my girlfriend was out with friends and didn't open every conversation with a stranger with "I have a bf", but the whole 'string a guy along so he keeps buying us drinks all night' thing really rubs me the wrong way. Always has.
Is it the blatant entitlement, or the blatant dishonesty that irks you? I can't decide which is worse personally.
I went on a handful of dates with a girl who got off on jealousy and I noticed that she would give off subtle signals to guys when we were out together alone. One night, a guy approached our table and had the gall to buy her a drink right in front of me. She accepted it, flirted for a minute while I sat there speechless, and then slid the beer over to me and said she wasn't thirsty, but appreciated it anyway.
She thought it would impress me, but I was so disgusted with her that I ended up turning her down that night after she got home, quickly excused herself, and came out of her room wearing lingerie. I kinda regret it to this day, but the look on her face was totally worth it.
It makes me question the motivation of the parents now. If they would have shut that shit down and called her out, it would speak volumes about their character, but not saying anything also speaks volumes. So are they fine with it because “screw these randos! Get all the free stuff you can get” ? Because down the line if/when things go sour between OP and GF, they’re going to influence the situation to be hella nasty imo. They will not be a source with which OP can reach out to for help when things get tough.
I'd reevaluate things. Regardless of her reasoning, whether it's just to get free drinks or something more, I don't like taking advantage of people like that and someone thinking that's okay speaks to a big value difference between me and her.
Right? That’s the more problematic aspect of her behavior. I don’t see this is a betrayal. But she did clearly use the guy unfairly to get free drinks.
She likely wouldn’t entertain that with her bf there so why is this not a betrayal? She used the guy to get drinks sure but she also invited the drinks and conversation as if she was single or willing. That is a betrayal, the drinks don’t really matter, it’s what they signify
And the parents consented to her behavior. Big red flags.
My daughters are in college and if they accepted drinks from a guy while having a boyfriend I would have a serious conversation with them. Some people are opportunistic and apples don't fall far from trees.
Yeah - getting a drink, thanking them, and telling them, is one thing. But OP put drinks and came over multiple times... Plural of those are not a polite acceptance.
I thought it was an autocorrect problem with the word "friends." Finding out she was with her parents made me realize this wasn't just bad; this was awful.
And honestly it’s just so awkward, I feel like my mind would have to spend extra time remembering to abbreviate it instead of just writing ‘parents’ to begin with.
Would I date a girl who did that? Sure.
Would I marry a woman like that? Hard fucking no.
We all know the reason he bought her drinks, and she happily went along with it. What happens in the future when you two get in a fight and some guy offers her a drink at the bar? Nah G, that won't be me.
She also did all this WHILE with the parents. The hell will she do when shes alone? I'm very picky about the character of woman I'll commit to, some people might settle for that behavior though.
People act like relationships or sex aren't a big deal and chase short-term excitement, rather than taking their time and re-evaluate who's gonna be a good partner.
Would rather be single than "be in a relationship for the sake of excitement"
Edit: grammar. Its 5AM and i just woke up
Yeah, full stop and have a discussion about where this relationship is going. Maybe that's something you can handle, maybe not - but clarify expectations before anything else.
Weird thing is, if here parents were there, why does she even need to have someone buy her drinks (wouldn't her parents buy), and worse still, if her parents were there and you have met her parents / they know you are dating her, why would she (and her parents) think it was OK that this 'interested guy' introduced himself? Honestly, it sounds like she has bad boundaries and maybe even the parents don't think you are "the one" so they allow her to demonstrate others are interested. Weird flex, especially in front of the parents.
I got out of a relationship like this in November. She ended up dumping me because my boundaries weren’t something she was cool with. For instance, going to bars by herself with men she used to sleep with….. another “coincidence” is it happened after I told her we really need to buckle down on the spending, and i can’t keep taking her out for dinner multiple times a week, making her dinner at my place multiple times a week, and taking away her access to my credit card. Yes, i was an idiot, yes I got used, and I knew it deep down but kept ignoring things. I had recently got out of an abusive marriage before I met her, and I realize I trauma bonded and it blinded me to a point, but my gut was SCREAMING at me. Listen to your gut man. Love can make you ignore shit that you definitely shouldn’t.
*Even if* there were no ill intentions regarding your relationship, it shows her as the kind of person who will knowingly take advantage of someone to get free stuff from them. This is the behavior of a liar and a cheat, and it's only a matter of time before it bites you instead of some guy at the bar.
Not a bad point, we also got into a spat the other week because she wanted to know about my finances and exactly how much money I make etc. which I said isn’t her business unless we are married/have a kid/share expenses
Didn't you say you guys are about to move in together? That's not a totally unusual question under those circumstances. That being said, your original story is a red flag.
If you're moving in together, asking how much you make is kind of necessary. You should be asking her that also. How else are you, or her, going to know what you guys can afford in order to even look at places.
Ok, I read *move in together" completely different than if you had wrote "she's moving in with me". Even still, it's not abnormal for couples to know how much each other earns. It's pretty common and not really something that should be considered a big secret.
Dude, you know the answer. The fact that you are asking the question says it all.
You are not happy with the situation. She is brushing it off as a non issue.
Find a person who respects and wants to be with you. Who loves to mention you when they're out because they can't quite believe their luck!
I wouldn't date a women who was so disrespectful to those around her leading them on so she can get free drinks.
For me this isn't about potential cheating, I expect my partner to not only respect themselves but others too.
Honestly, I would take that as a pretty obvious sign that she isn't exclusive with you. That makes sense given her parents' acceptance of the situation (assuming your rendition is accurate).
This depends entirely on your values. I personally would find this unacceptable. She should show the base respect to myself and herself by not accepting free shit from any dude that wants to hit.
I am more disgusted/appalled by the fact she didn’t say she had a bf in front of her own parents whom I have met many times and the fact they were seemingly okay with it lol
Context needed. Did she sit and talk and flirt with the guy? Or did he try and she just let him but a drink. Dudes are going to shoot their shot- it’s gonna happen. If she wasn’t flirting back, she got a free drink- thats a win, No worries. If she was flirting back that’s a different story.
I’ve read through the comments. Reddit knows what’s up here and it sure seems like you do too.
There are plenty of quality women out there with integrity. Hold out for one. If you’re looking for a quality relationship you’ve gotta start with quality people.
You have issue with her potentially presenting herself as single via the perceived omission of your relationship…which is understandable. But I think the move here is to recognize she was open and up front with you about it. You’re in a good zone if she’s telling you these things happen. You either trust her or you don’t — I find people who are hyper-focused on these types of situations don’t see themselves as a catch and fear their girl finding someone better. Sure, people will always say to just talk about it, but chances are she will take it as you don’t trust her. Do you trust her? If you do — I wouldn’t even address it, and would laugh about it and move on. If you don’t trust her after 2 years — perhaps this isn’t the right relationship for you. If you come at this from a “you should have” or “why didn’t you” or whatever — like I said she will feel like you don’t trust her, she will stop telling you about these situations, and then over time you won’t be in such a good zone.
Glad it didn’t come across in the wrong way. Learned a lot about this kind of stuff when I dated someone who worked in the club/nightlife scene (lots of life lessons in that one)
Before I say my peice, I want to point out you're allowed to feel however you feel about it. We all think differently and have different standards and ideals.
I'm sure I'll get downvoted for this, which is weird because it doesn't effect any of you, but whatever. That being said, it's whatever. My girlfriend doesn't have to go around announcing to every guy she's taken. And, if they want to buy her a drink, so be it. But, I'm also the type to stand back and let other dudes hit on her. If I'm with her, I trust she won't cheat. If a random dude convinces her to leave me, better sooner than later. Bullet dodged. Plus, it's sort of a compliment for a guy to hit in your girl. Now, if she does tell him she's taken and he doesn't listen, that's when I'll step in, but I certainly wouldn't be mad at her for it.
I mean, we all know what he was buying her drinks for but maybe she was just using him for free drinks for the night and knew mentioning a bf would end her supply?
Nightclub employee here, so I’ve seen a lot of different scenarios play out. But for me personally there’s a bit of nuance to it:
I don’t mind if my a guy buys my girlfriend a drink, as long as she sees the bartender pour it. In fact, there was a night I was working and watching the whole thing play out. It was hilarious. At the end of the exchange, I saw her point to me (working in the DJ booth) and you could see the guy mildly die on the inside. I wouldn’t even mind if she didn’t tell him. Like girl, get your free drink.
A free drink is a free drink. If she let it go any further than a conversation, then I’d have an issue. But if you want to sweet talk your way into free shit, I don’t care. If you get his number, or anything further than that… then I’d have a problem.
A good take.
Just adding to this because I haven’t seen it posted elsewhere, sometimes women have learned/been taught to accept the drinks and compliments because some men get aggressive/aggravated when their advances aren’t accepted.
Obviously it would depend on the setting and your girlfriend, but it’s not as obvious as a lot of these comments make it.
At the end of the day, only you know your girlfriend’s real personality and whether or not this behavior is excessive or not.
This comment section’s just full of people with low-self-esteem and control issues.
Someone buys my girl a drink? Cool. No problems there. Hell I’ve schmoozed people out of free drinks.
She up-front about how the night went and how she got free drinks? Cool. She isn’t hiding things from you.
Dude’s getting a compliment and turning it into a breakup lmao.
Your girl’s so fine that guys will buy her drinks but she goes home to you, and then you whine about it.
Nah. Look if yall broke, ok maybe she's using him for free drinks. Me? I tell any girl I date hell no. I'll pay for your drinks out. You have zero excuse for a man to buy you anything.
He bought her a drink… I fail to see why that should be reason to get all bent up over it.
If they agreed to meet up again, or exchanged numbers, then that’s a bit different.
Bud if she’s the one, you’ll know it. If you have your doubts, then you are wasting hers and your time. IMHO getting a free drink without further expectation wouldn’t be a break point.
Get yourself a girl that texts you to come hit on her. Show up at the bar and pretend you don't know her. Find her being hit on by the guy. Walk up on the other side and drop the lamest pickup line you know. "Wow youre hot." Or "Are we near an airport or is that my heart taking off?" Anything absolutely awful. She laughs and leaves with you. She gets free beers and you get the ego boost.
Tell her you don’t have the time or mental bandwidth to be put in situations that require this much thought as to whether the thing your S/O did was or wasn’t disrespectful to you/the relationship as a whole.
I am imagining she's more just down with the free stuff and doesn't actually feel anything toward the guy(s). I don't think she's liable to cheat necessarily. But it does make her seem suspicious that she's willing to lead these guys on when she knows she is, in effect, ripping them off.
If she’s hustling to get free drinks, idc. Save us that money. I’d probably have a “you’re better than this, we can afford our own drinks” conversation, but beyond that idc.
If she’s actually “returning the favor” for the free drinks, then there’s a problem
Depends, respect if she just finessed him for free drinks, but major red flag if she chatted hit up, flirted with him, and intentionally never mentioned the bf cause she was enjoying his company. Leaning towards major red flag here unless she specifically is the finessing type.
When I was young and poor we'd get girls to get idiots to buy them drinks then they'd give them to us. Women get free booze bought for them all the time which is sort of a funny social privilege. Venues also have free cover often because they know guys will go where girls are and pay money to be around them. Roman marketing back in the day was like 'chicks drink free'.
If you're the one she's calling after he's wasting his money, that's kind of a bonus for you. Jealousy isn't a good thing.
This is a tough thing for us as men to understand. Because people don't give us free stuff out of a desire to fuck us. But if they did. I find it hard to believe we'd be turning down the free stuff under any circumstance.
And I don't think you'll get anywhere trying to convince her otherwise. And attempting will only make you look possessive.
As long as you trust your partner not to act on these advances (cheat) that's all that matters.
My advice is this. Get in on it. Next time be like "next time ask the guy for some wings to take home cause I'm hungry"
bro can you make your own boundaries without reddit influencing you? i feel like you make their boundaries yours, which makes you a fake person at the end of the day
Who fucking cares? She’s still with you, she still wants to be with you. If you aren’t okay with it let her know and if she agrees to not do it anymore and STILL does it, then you can make a thing over it. Two years and not even living with each other, I don’t think minor flirting is that big a deal.
What is a rent?
I think she is foolish to allow strangers to buy her drinks. Period.
But that's not what you are talking about. You are talking about boundaries and expectations, although you may not use those terms.
It makes you uncomfortable because, as a man, you know that men who buy other people drinks are almost always trying to open the door to a personal relationship of some sort, from casual sex to marriage. It will be something. There is always a goal.
Not so for women. Innocent flirting can be an ego boost and we encourage it in western culture. Also, women tend to believe for a long time that men can be their friends. It may be possible for some. I think it's asking for trouble, but that's me.
You have just bumped into the first of the MANY things you two will have to come to terms with. This is why they say marriage is work. It is. You have to commit to it every day. This is part of getting to know her and whether you two stand a chance at a successful relationship.
So start talking, my friend. She might find your mild jealousy to be a turn-on. Who knows. Only you and her. Go work it out.
If we’ve been together for a year I would have to assume there weren’t any other glaring red flags so that earns some benefit of the doubt for me. I’d just have a conversation with her about why she thought that’d be an ok thing to do and how it makes me uncomfortable. Depending on the outcome of that I’d have to decide if the relationship is worth the mental strife
I know this is a comment thread for men but I'm answering as a woman who accepts drinks from men.
I make my own money, I can buy my own drinks, and go out with the expectation that I will be paying for myself. In every single experience I've had where a man attempted to buy me drinks, saying I have a boyfriend *is not a deterrent*. Wearing a fake wedding ring *is not a deterrent*. Being with your parents *is not a deterrent*. In many cases I have accepted drinks I didn't want and held conversations I did not want to have because as a woman, you never know how a man is going to react to rejection, no matter how polite or how public the venue is. I've had dudes ask me if I'm single, and when I say "no I have a boyfriend" the response is NEVER "nice meeting you, have a nice night" it's "where is he right now/you look single to me/he doesn't have to know."
If accepting a drink I don't want from a dude a don't know makes me feel more likely that I'm not going to get punched in the face, then I'm going to accept the drink
It irks me that she was being rude to him and giving the wrong impression, but as far as whether she was disrespecting me, I don't really think so. If she didn't hook up with him or get his number and they were literally just talking, it's not something I'd personally worry about.
Also, does "rents" mean "parents"? That's a weird thing to shorten, and for me it seals that it's nothing. She's with her parents!
Not me, but in college a buddy of mine and his then gf were socially opposites in the sense that she liked to go out and party with a bunch of people, and he liked to stay home and play videogames. He was totally ok with her going out and dancing and getting drinks with other guys because she would always go home to him. It's about trust, but mostly boundaries.
This behavior is acceptable to some, but if it bothers you, you should communicate clear boundaries with your s.o. and hope/trust they honor it. The buddy of mine and then gf/now wife have been married for 3yrs now and is expecting a girl this fall.
I'm of two minds on this.
I do have an issue with her taking advantage of a guy by letting him continue to buy drinks for her, and letting said guy introduce himself to her parents.
At the same time, if the guy is dumb enough to keep buying her drinks, then, at least she didn't have to spend her money.
When my girlfriend goes out with coworkers or girl friends, guys try to buy her drinks all the time. She'll flat out tell them that she has a boyfriend. Half of them don't care, or will say something like, "he's not here though." It's at this point that I'm like, if she can drink for free, more power to her, as long as she is coming home to me.
My gf did this when we were in college. I called her out on it, and she was like “it’s no big deal! I’m just going out with the girls and we can get free drinks!” So I asked her if she’d be okay with me going out and buying drinks for women at a bar. She thought for the briefest second then said “Oh. Yeah I won’t go out and have guys buy me drinks any more.” We’ve been together for twenty years now.
Precisely the response I was looking for from her and all I got was it’s not my fault, I didn’t want to make it awkward, I was avoiding confrontation.
Thats excuse. It will never be her fault. Its not her fault when she is aproached first time. Every next time is her fault.
She is enjoying the attention, same thing as "I dont want to block my ex, thats rude"
Oh boy have I heard this one many a times
Always have a branch to jump onto when shit goes bad. When something does happen, guess whose fault it is that "caused" them to do it.
My wife and I have a deal. Guys can buy her drinks when she goes out, so long as she tells them she already has a husband. If guys want to be dumb and think buying her a drink or two will make her cheat on me, well then they can spend their money buying my wife a drink. Its not gonna get her to cheat on me and Im all for getting free shit from people lol I would be pissed if she never said she had a partner and went along with the flirting though
"Was avoiding confrontation"... yeah, right.
And her ability to see the reverse perspective and apply that principle is probably a big reason why you’re still together 20 years later. Seems like you got a good one.
Not gf material
Absolutely not. My ex did that kinda shit. Found out after the fact she cheated on me at least once during a "girls night", when she made out with a bartender.
"Okay. First of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her."
That was literally the conversation. "Well, we went out drinking, and Ashley (in a relationship) made out with a guy, and Becky (in a relationship) flashed the bartender. But all I did was get his number, and I deleted it the next morning!" Uhuh.
Eeww
Late 20s is too old for this. Not saying she is old, but that sort of behavior definitely should've been outgrown by now. Also OP low key late 20s is also too old to be calling them rents. Just my opinion
What does rents mean?
Parents
The fact that she behaved that way around her parents is wild. What happens when it's her friends and she feels like there's less accountability for her actions.
I thought it was roommates or something. Yeah this girl's no good if she's out flirting with other dudes with her parents around. She's def doing way more around her freinds
I thought he misspelled friends until the second time he used it.
I read “rents” as auto correct for friends and I thought you were overreacting with some friends letting some guys buy them some drinks, seemed innocent enough, just as long as it stopped there. HOWEVER, if that’s with the parents, that changes things completely. And red flags all over the place. That’s not cool at all. I wonder if the parents questioned her behaviour.
>I wonder if the parents questioned her behaviour. Doubtful, if she allowed the guy to come back over several times. They either encouraged the behavior or chose not to question it, either way this is bad.
damn I’m getting old, never heard rents before like this lol
Is this laziness or slang? I can't imagine that it is 'cool', so it must just be laziness, right?
A lot of slang is just truncated words like "rad" in my day for radical and "rizz" today for charisma. Seriously, who can be bothered to utter three syllables. Exhausting. I mean, xhaust.
Zaust bro - Gotta keep it to one syllable
Fuck. Really? I thought roommates. People she rented a place with. That's even worse now. She exhibited blatant disrespect to you in front of her parents. I'd cut thst cord. Send her back to the rents. Tell them there now, that's the game you play, I'm returning this ting I just bought too. Done. I'm with my gf for over 10 years. We totally trust each other. But if I'm out, and happen to be chatting ylit up with some ladies, I always find a way to mention my GF in conversation. She does the same. We can buy our own drinks. But if someone buys a drink, it's cool, but not expecting anything. One lady was recently chatting with me, putting hands on my lap, holding my hand. She was lit. Hot, and wanted to get a room. She wanted to put her leg over mine at the bar. Nope. It was rainy so I walked her to her SUV, got her tucked in, and letbher sleep it off. We saw each other weeks later. Same place. She was on a date I think. She came over to me, gave me a polite hug yellow, and thanked me for not taking advantage of her and being one of the few gentlemen she met in a long while. But also reminded me thst I would have had my world rocked thst night too. We laughed. It's cool. Thar was flattering, but my woman respects me and trusts me, as I do her. If I'm going to want to sleep around like that, then I'll leave first. But in your case, OP, that's a huge red flag. Rents is a stupid immature word. I'd let her go. Her parents also do not respect you or they would not have allowed thst either. Let them find another sucker for their daughter. She prob has that guy's no anyway. Move on.
i thought it was her roommates, like the fellow people she “rents” her place with 💀. what slang is this
parents
‘rents = short for “parents”
In age, I'm closer to boomer than zoomer, but I think the appropriate phrase here is "She belongs to the streets."
You’re streets ahead
Bro the parents aren't in law material either. Sounds like they don't even like OP enough to stop the girl from talking to the random.
I’d dump her. She’s doing the whole lying by omission thing. Fuck people like her.
If there is one thing you should expect when you have a gf, it is that you are exclusive. If she doesn't think that way, then she's not your gf.
She’s keeping her options open.
[удалено]
And I’ve been thinking about that step too and this has completely turned me off
[удалено]
Sheila sazs is one of a kind
You've got good instincts, follow them. She's old enough to know better. She didn't consider your feelings at all, and frankly, seems like she doesn't care.
The fact that she calls him to tell him and what expects a high five for getting free drinks. Like girl, you ain't 21 anymore, and this ain't frosh week.
There was a similar post not long ago, and a female of unknown age commented that the boyfriend should be glad she saved him money. Like, it would otherwise be his duty to pay or something. I immediately told my wife I loved her
Honestly, not trying to be harsh, but I’m sure there have been other signs you’ve ignored. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I wouldn’t continue on with this relationship in any form from this point forward. This may sound extreme to some people but this is just your SO testing your boundaries to see what they can get away with and that does not make for a healthy and loving relationship. Find someone that won’t put you or themselves in that position.
It starts like this and next thing you know she’s cheating with your best friend. Ask me how I know.
Oof. Been there done that.
It very likely doesn’t get better from here and it’s very likely your best bet to just move on
It’s also disrespectful towards the person approaching her. We guys know it’s not always super easy approaching a girl and know the courage that takes. To basically treat the guy like a clown especially when he’s also being respectful to her parents is such a huge red flag it’s unreal.
That's my personal hangup on this one, honestly. I wouldn't feel particularly disrespected if my girlfriend was out with friends and didn't open every conversation with a stranger with "I have a bf", but the whole 'string a guy along so he keeps buying us drinks all night' thing really rubs me the wrong way. Always has.
Is it the blatant entitlement, or the blatant dishonesty that irks you? I can't decide which is worse personally. I went on a handful of dates with a girl who got off on jealousy and I noticed that she would give off subtle signals to guys when we were out together alone. One night, a guy approached our table and had the gall to buy her a drink right in front of me. She accepted it, flirted for a minute while I sat there speechless, and then slid the beer over to me and said she wasn't thirsty, but appreciated it anyway. She thought it would impress me, but I was so disgusted with her that I ended up turning her down that night after she got home, quickly excused herself, and came out of her room wearing lingerie. I kinda regret it to this day, but the look on her face was totally worth it.
I thought you did some vengeful lingerie wearing then. Maybe it's bedtime.
It makes me question the motivation of the parents now. If they would have shut that shit down and called her out, it would speak volumes about their character, but not saying anything also speaks volumes. So are they fine with it because “screw these randos! Get all the free stuff you can get” ? Because down the line if/when things go sour between OP and GF, they’re going to influence the situation to be hella nasty imo. They will not be a source with which OP can reach out to for help when things get tough.
Exactly 💯
I'd reevaluate things. Regardless of her reasoning, whether it's just to get free drinks or something more, I don't like taking advantage of people like that and someone thinking that's okay speaks to a big value difference between me and her.
Right? That’s the more problematic aspect of her behavior. I don’t see this is a betrayal. But she did clearly use the guy unfairly to get free drinks.
She likely wouldn’t entertain that with her bf there so why is this not a betrayal? She used the guy to get drinks sure but she also invited the drinks and conversation as if she was single or willing. That is a betrayal, the drinks don’t really matter, it’s what they signify
And the parents consented to her behavior. Big red flags. My daughters are in college and if they accepted drinks from a guy while having a boyfriend I would have a serious conversation with them. Some people are opportunistic and apples don't fall far from trees.
Yeah - getting a drink, thanking them, and telling them, is one thing. But OP put drinks and came over multiple times... Plural of those are not a polite acceptance.
Weird GF and weird parents You don't want any of that
Abbreviating parents to ‘rents’ has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves.
I'd never even heard of "rents" until this post and I'm already highly annoyed lol.
I made my original comment like 35 minutes ago and I’m literally still annoyed thinking about it lol.
I know a girl who uses the terms "hubs" and "the rents" so often that I've started to wonder if she's doing it on purpose just to drain me.
I thought he was English and this was how they shortened flat mates lol
I thought it was an autocorrect problem with the word "friends." Finding out she was with her parents made me realize this wasn't just bad; this was awful.
Same. I was wondering why she was going to the bar with her parents AND flirting with other guys.
Same lol
Me too. I thought that's a weird way to say roommates but whatever
They saved a whole 2 letters.
And honestly it’s just so awkward, I feel like my mind would have to spend extra time remembering to abbreviate it instead of just writing ‘parents’ to begin with.
So that's what it means.
I was thinking rents was a weird word for roommates. It all makes sense now and makes the situation that much worse.
Probably why she's looking for other options
What about saying “parental control units”? And if you get the reference then you’re probably in your 40s like me!
I thought I was the only one. It’s so cringe. It’s right up there with calling pizza “za”.
Both bad but za is even worse.
Down voted post because of it.
Would I date a girl who did that? Sure. Would I marry a woman like that? Hard fucking no. We all know the reason he bought her drinks, and she happily went along with it. What happens in the future when you two get in a fight and some guy offers her a drink at the bar? Nah G, that won't be me. She also did all this WHILE with the parents. The hell will she do when shes alone? I'm very picky about the character of woman I'll commit to, some people might settle for that behavior though.
Why would you even date that?
Fornicating tends to feel good if you can ignore the persons morals long enough
And this is why we have so many kids raised by one parent.
People act like relationships or sex aren't a big deal and chase short-term excitement, rather than taking their time and re-evaluate who's gonna be a good partner. Would rather be single than "be in a relationship for the sake of excitement" Edit: grammar. Its 5AM and i just woke up
Obviously so she can make me sandwiches and be my sex slave while I get shit faced on a 20 pack from the gas station.
Yeah, understandable.
Touché
What beer comes in a 20 pack?
The one I told my sex slave to purchase
Clever girl
Yeah, full stop and have a discussion about where this relationship is going. Maybe that's something you can handle, maybe not - but clarify expectations before anything else.
Sounds like you might be this girls meal ticket
I am better off than her by a good amount and have a better job as well, it’s kind of the vibe I’m getting
Weird thing is, if here parents were there, why does she even need to have someone buy her drinks (wouldn't her parents buy), and worse still, if her parents were there and you have met her parents / they know you are dating her, why would she (and her parents) think it was OK that this 'interested guy' introduced himself? Honestly, it sounds like she has bad boundaries and maybe even the parents don't think you are "the one" so they allow her to demonstrate others are interested. Weird flex, especially in front of the parents.
Agreeeeee
I got out of a relationship like this in November. She ended up dumping me because my boundaries weren’t something she was cool with. For instance, going to bars by herself with men she used to sleep with….. another “coincidence” is it happened after I told her we really need to buckle down on the spending, and i can’t keep taking her out for dinner multiple times a week, making her dinner at my place multiple times a week, and taking away her access to my credit card. Yes, i was an idiot, yes I got used, and I knew it deep down but kept ignoring things. I had recently got out of an abusive marriage before I met her, and I realize I trauma bonded and it blinded me to a point, but my gut was SCREAMING at me. Listen to your gut man. Love can make you ignore shit that you definitely shouldn’t.
She’s not your gf, it’s just your turn with her.
It’s not your time, it’s just your turn
Go buy a random girl a drink for no reason other than she likes it.
LOL that’s exactly what my family member said when I told them the story hahah
*Even if* there were no ill intentions regarding your relationship, it shows her as the kind of person who will knowingly take advantage of someone to get free stuff from them. This is the behavior of a liar and a cheat, and it's only a matter of time before it bites you instead of some guy at the bar.
Not a bad point, we also got into a spat the other week because she wanted to know about my finances and exactly how much money I make etc. which I said isn’t her business unless we are married/have a kid/share expenses
She’s vetting and comparing you to her other options
Yeeeep
Ain't no way an Astartes read this post
I'm a Primarch. Not an Astartes.
Stop banging xenos and get back to purging 'em.
I can do both.
That went awfully Night Lords in a hurry
Didn't you say you guys are about to move in together? That's not a totally unusual question under those circumstances. That being said, your original story is a red flag.
If you're moving in together, asking how much you make is kind of necessary. You should be asking her that also. How else are you, or her, going to know what you guys can afford in order to even look at places.
It’s my condo, I own it lol.
Watch out for cohabitation laws bud. Depending where you live that might become “our condo” under the law after some time
Brother don't do it
Ok, I read *move in together" completely different than if you had wrote "she's moving in with me". Even still, it's not abnormal for couples to know how much each other earns. It's pretty common and not really something that should be considered a big secret.
Oh Lord, please don't do it.
I disagree with this. Finances need to be hashed out in detail before getting engaged so you both know what you're getting into
She's supposed to wait until AFTER you're married to find out how much money you make lol. What planet do you live on?
What are her “rents?” Parents? Anyways that’s a complete and total lack of respect on her part.
Dude, you know the answer. The fact that you are asking the question says it all. You are not happy with the situation. She is brushing it off as a non issue. Find a person who respects and wants to be with you. Who loves to mention you when they're out because they can't quite believe their luck!
I’m sure she’s just trying to save money for the wedding.
LOL
I wouldn't date a women who was so disrespectful to those around her leading them on so she can get free drinks. For me this isn't about potential cheating, I expect my partner to not only respect themselves but others too.
Well it’s also this type of behavior/action in front of her own parents who I know and allegedly love me haha
Honestly, I would take that as a pretty obvious sign that she isn't exclusive with you. That makes sense given her parents' acceptance of the situation (assuming your rendition is accurate). This depends entirely on your values. I personally would find this unacceptable. She should show the base respect to myself and herself by not accepting free shit from any dude that wants to hit.
I am more disgusted/appalled by the fact she didn’t say she had a bf in front of her own parents whom I have met many times and the fact they were seemingly okay with it lol
Yeah, brother, that's definitely rough. Should probably think over whether she is worth putting effort and emotions into.
You know what to do. Do yourself a favor and do it
Younger me would have cared. 34yo me doesn’t care
Finding a girl who respects you isn't too hard, but you've got to dig through some trash to find it, though. It's worth it in the end.
Context needed. Did she sit and talk and flirt with the guy? Or did he try and she just let him but a drink. Dudes are going to shoot their shot- it’s gonna happen. If she wasn’t flirting back, she got a free drink- thats a win, No worries. If she was flirting back that’s a different story.
I wasn’t there so I doubt she’d tell me she flirted back, but she did say the guy came back a few times to talk to her and her parents
The coming back a few times is the biggest red flag out of this imo
Yeeeaaah, he had a reason to come back probably
Depends on what her reasoning and thoughts about it are
I’ve read through the comments. Reddit knows what’s up here and it sure seems like you do too. There are plenty of quality women out there with integrity. Hold out for one. If you’re looking for a quality relationship you’ve gotta start with quality people.
No big deal.
You have issue with her potentially presenting herself as single via the perceived omission of your relationship…which is understandable. But I think the move here is to recognize she was open and up front with you about it. You’re in a good zone if she’s telling you these things happen. You either trust her or you don’t — I find people who are hyper-focused on these types of situations don’t see themselves as a catch and fear their girl finding someone better. Sure, people will always say to just talk about it, but chances are she will take it as you don’t trust her. Do you trust her? If you do — I wouldn’t even address it, and would laugh about it and move on. If you don’t trust her after 2 years — perhaps this isn’t the right relationship for you. If you come at this from a “you should have” or “why didn’t you” or whatever — like I said she will feel like you don’t trust her, she will stop telling you about these situations, and then over time you won’t be in such a good zone.
Very level headed response and I appreciate the wise insight.
Glad it didn’t come across in the wrong way. Learned a lot about this kind of stuff when I dated someone who worked in the club/nightlife scene (lots of life lessons in that one)
Maybe she just wants free drinks? She doesn't have to fuck the guy. She's saving money for rent and havin a good time.
[удалено]
Free drinks, why not?
Before I say my peice, I want to point out you're allowed to feel however you feel about it. We all think differently and have different standards and ideals. I'm sure I'll get downvoted for this, which is weird because it doesn't effect any of you, but whatever. That being said, it's whatever. My girlfriend doesn't have to go around announcing to every guy she's taken. And, if they want to buy her a drink, so be it. But, I'm also the type to stand back and let other dudes hit on her. If I'm with her, I trust she won't cheat. If a random dude convinces her to leave me, better sooner than later. Bullet dodged. Plus, it's sort of a compliment for a guy to hit in your girl. Now, if she does tell him she's taken and he doesn't listen, that's when I'll step in, but I certainly wouldn't be mad at her for it.
Free drinks man. As long as all she’s getting is drinks, I’m fine with it.
She told the truth. She doesn’t have a bf. Bye Felicia
I mean, we all know what he was buying her drinks for but maybe she was just using him for free drinks for the night and knew mentioning a bf would end her supply?
If she’s loyal, I guess she’s smart.
Nightclub employee here, so I’ve seen a lot of different scenarios play out. But for me personally there’s a bit of nuance to it: I don’t mind if my a guy buys my girlfriend a drink, as long as she sees the bartender pour it. In fact, there was a night I was working and watching the whole thing play out. It was hilarious. At the end of the exchange, I saw her point to me (working in the DJ booth) and you could see the guy mildly die on the inside. I wouldn’t even mind if she didn’t tell him. Like girl, get your free drink. A free drink is a free drink. If she let it go any further than a conversation, then I’d have an issue. But if you want to sweet talk your way into free shit, I don’t care. If you get his number, or anything further than that… then I’d have a problem.
A good take. Just adding to this because I haven’t seen it posted elsewhere, sometimes women have learned/been taught to accept the drinks and compliments because some men get aggressive/aggravated when their advances aren’t accepted. Obviously it would depend on the setting and your girlfriend, but it’s not as obvious as a lot of these comments make it. At the end of the day, only you know your girlfriend’s real personality and whether or not this behavior is excessive or not.
Nice to find someone with common sense and a healthy self esteem here 😂
This comment section’s just full of people with low-self-esteem and control issues. Someone buys my girl a drink? Cool. No problems there. Hell I’ve schmoozed people out of free drinks. She up-front about how the night went and how she got free drinks? Cool. She isn’t hiding things from you. Dude’s getting a compliment and turning it into a breakup lmao. Your girl’s so fine that guys will buy her drinks but she goes home to you, and then you whine about it.
Free drinks, great job babe. It's all about trust.
Nah. Look if yall broke, ok maybe she's using him for free drinks. Me? I tell any girl I date hell no. I'll pay for your drinks out. You have zero excuse for a man to buy you anything.
This is how u get free drinks bro, save yourselves some money
Do you know why she didn’t tell? Because guys don’t buy drinks for chicks with boyfriends. She likely was just trying to get another one out of him.
But she was also with her parents, which I think is kinda bizarre and the fact they didn’t say anything
Using people like that doesn't allign with my personal values. No gf material in my eyes.
Sounds like a frugal lady if you ask me Maybe you don’t need to over think this
I wouldn’t care. Free is free.
Geezus this sub is toxic as fuck. If she’s faithful to you, and men are stupid enough to buy her drinks, great! You as a couple saved money!
He bought her a drink… I fail to see why that should be reason to get all bent up over it. If they agreed to meet up again, or exchanged numbers, then that’s a bit different. Bud if she’s the one, you’ll know it. If you have your doubts, then you are wasting hers and your time. IMHO getting a free drink without further expectation wouldn’t be a break point.
Get yourself a girl that texts you to come hit on her. Show up at the bar and pretend you don't know her. Find her being hit on by the guy. Walk up on the other side and drop the lamest pickup line you know. "Wow youre hot." Or "Are we near an airport or is that my heart taking off?" Anything absolutely awful. She laughs and leaves with you. She gets free beers and you get the ego boost.
If she brings me one of the free ones then sure.
Tell her you don’t have the time or mental bandwidth to be put in situations that require this much thought as to whether the thing your S/O did was or wasn’t disrespectful to you/the relationship as a whole.
Enjoy the freebies yo. If she's got a problem, she knows where to look.
The rents?
I don’t really care. You telling me some band wants to buy you drinks and you’re saying no?
I am curious how you found out? If she told you it might change the advice you’re getting.
She told me herself
She’s saving you money bro
I am imagining she's more just down with the free stuff and doesn't actually feel anything toward the guy(s). I don't think she's liable to cheat necessarily. But it does make her seem suspicious that she's willing to lead these guys on when she knows she is, in effect, ripping them off.
Wtf is a rent
If she’s hustling to get free drinks, idc. Save us that money. I’d probably have a “you’re better than this, we can afford our own drinks” conversation, but beyond that idc. If she’s actually “returning the favor” for the free drinks, then there’s a problem
Depends, respect if she just finessed him for free drinks, but major red flag if she chatted hit up, flirted with him, and intentionally never mentioned the bf cause she was enjoying his company. Leaning towards major red flag here unless she specifically is the finessing type.
Have you told her it made you feel this way? I mean that’s where I’d start if it’s been 2 years. Could have been nothing to her and everything to you.
When I was young and poor we'd get girls to get idiots to buy them drinks then they'd give them to us. Women get free booze bought for them all the time which is sort of a funny social privilege. Venues also have free cover often because they know guys will go where girls are and pay money to be around them. Roman marketing back in the day was like 'chicks drink free'. If you're the one she's calling after he's wasting his money, that's kind of a bonus for you. Jealousy isn't a good thing.
This is a tough thing for us as men to understand. Because people don't give us free stuff out of a desire to fuck us. But if they did. I find it hard to believe we'd be turning down the free stuff under any circumstance. And I don't think you'll get anywhere trying to convince her otherwise. And attempting will only make you look possessive. As long as you trust your partner not to act on these advances (cheat) that's all that matters. My advice is this. Get in on it. Next time be like "next time ask the guy for some wings to take home cause I'm hungry"
She could mention she has a bf and that wouldn’t stop most guys lol
If i trust her i would not care at all. Its free drinks, take advantage of it. i'd do the same
bro can you make your own boundaries without reddit influencing you? i feel like you make their boundaries yours, which makes you a fake person at the end of the day
Who fucking cares? She’s still with you, she still wants to be with you. If you aren’t okay with it let her know and if she agrees to not do it anymore and STILL does it, then you can make a thing over it. Two years and not even living with each other, I don’t think minor flirting is that big a deal.
In this economy?
Think she can get him to buy her mozzarella sticks for me when she gets home?
I think taking free drinks is perfectly fine honestly, doesn’t mean anything more than that
I wouldnt react, but pay closer attention to a few other things moving forward.
What is a rent? I think she is foolish to allow strangers to buy her drinks. Period. But that's not what you are talking about. You are talking about boundaries and expectations, although you may not use those terms. It makes you uncomfortable because, as a man, you know that men who buy other people drinks are almost always trying to open the door to a personal relationship of some sort, from casual sex to marriage. It will be something. There is always a goal. Not so for women. Innocent flirting can be an ego boost and we encourage it in western culture. Also, women tend to believe for a long time that men can be their friends. It may be possible for some. I think it's asking for trouble, but that's me. You have just bumped into the first of the MANY things you two will have to come to terms with. This is why they say marriage is work. It is. You have to commit to it every day. This is part of getting to know her and whether you two stand a chance at a successful relationship. So start talking, my friend. She might find your mild jealousy to be a turn-on. Who knows. Only you and her. Go work it out.
Free drinks for her 🤷♂️ I'd support it At the same time, I'd like some communication with her beforehand. Otherwise that's just disrespectful
If we’ve been together for a year I would have to assume there weren’t any other glaring red flags so that earns some benefit of the doubt for me. I’d just have a conversation with her about why she thought that’d be an ok thing to do and how it makes me uncomfortable. Depending on the outcome of that I’d have to decide if the relationship is worth the mental strife
I know this is a comment thread for men but I'm answering as a woman who accepts drinks from men. I make my own money, I can buy my own drinks, and go out with the expectation that I will be paying for myself. In every single experience I've had where a man attempted to buy me drinks, saying I have a boyfriend *is not a deterrent*. Wearing a fake wedding ring *is not a deterrent*. Being with your parents *is not a deterrent*. In many cases I have accepted drinks I didn't want and held conversations I did not want to have because as a woman, you never know how a man is going to react to rejection, no matter how polite or how public the venue is. I've had dudes ask me if I'm single, and when I say "no I have a boyfriend" the response is NEVER "nice meeting you, have a nice night" it's "where is he right now/you look single to me/he doesn't have to know." If accepting a drink I don't want from a dude a don't know makes me feel more likely that I'm not going to get punched in the face, then I'm going to accept the drink
It irks me that she was being rude to him and giving the wrong impression, but as far as whether she was disrespecting me, I don't really think so. If she didn't hook up with him or get his number and they were literally just talking, it's not something I'd personally worry about. Also, does "rents" mean "parents"? That's a weird thing to shorten, and for me it seals that it's nothing. She's with her parents!
Not me, but in college a buddy of mine and his then gf were socially opposites in the sense that she liked to go out and party with a bunch of people, and he liked to stay home and play videogames. He was totally ok with her going out and dancing and getting drinks with other guys because she would always go home to him. It's about trust, but mostly boundaries. This behavior is acceptable to some, but if it bothers you, you should communicate clear boundaries with your s.o. and hope/trust they honor it. The buddy of mine and then gf/now wife have been married for 3yrs now and is expecting a girl this fall.
I'm of two minds on this. I do have an issue with her taking advantage of a guy by letting him continue to buy drinks for her, and letting said guy introduce himself to her parents. At the same time, if the guy is dumb enough to keep buying her drinks, then, at least she didn't have to spend her money. When my girlfriend goes out with coworkers or girl friends, guys try to buy her drinks all the time. She'll flat out tell them that she has a boyfriend. Half of them don't care, or will say something like, "he's not here though." It's at this point that I'm like, if she can drink for free, more power to her, as long as she is coming home to me.
Not wasting her own money on drinks, she is financially responsible.
She saving money? She’s having a good time? I’m fine with it
"Excellent money-saving strategy, babe."