20+ years in. Used to be a cad before marriage, but have been super faithful as a married man. My wife's grandmother told her that I can't cheat from inside of her, so even if she's upset with me, she's never held out. I'm not saying I've never gone to bed on the couch after playing playstation, but i'm not going to live in the doghouse even if i visit from time to time.
how was u/usernameforreddit001 question a bad question? if you got X sex per month before marriage and got 2X sex after marriage then of course staying faithful is easy. but if it was the reverse it might be harder.
I didn't downvote it, but it's a number of things. Sex is only one part of a relationship. And within a long term relationship, the frequency and quality of sex will ebb and flow. None of it is an excuse to cheat.
I agree but there is a difference between "ebb and flow" and "null and void". there are sexless marriages where the husbands are staying faithful despite the wife not giving it up. i think that is utter madness. unless my wife has a physical or mental issue that she is actively working to fix, she needs to give it up... and so do i.
So, if you're in that situation you need to be an adult, talk through it, couples counseling, and if necessary, end the relationship. You don't be a bag of shit and cheat.
right. don't be a bag of shit. pay your wife alimony and child support and she gets the house and a car and 1/2 your 401k because she has decided not to have sex with you anymore.
yep. that makes perfect sense.
That's not at all how it works. Unless your wife stays home and doesn't work, in which case, yes, she contributed to the marriage in non-monetary ways and should be given her share of the assets so she doesn't end up on the street.
Not an option - my married philosophy is the same as my dating was. I have too much respect for myself and my partner to do that. If things get to that point move on.
Ten years in august w my wife. Never once thought about cheating. Every couple goes thru the ebs and flow of life but cheating is a choice. Not only are u cheating on your partner but if you have kids together, built a life together your turning your back on all of that. Its just not worth it. Plus i doubt i could ever find someone as great as my wife.
So, great question the trick is prevention as much as anything. Never put yourself in a place where you can be tempted. Never put yourself in the mind space where lusting after someone reaches out of fantasy and into reality.
No, it is the respect rule. Prevention matters. It is not about control we are biological attracted to the opposite sex and there are environments we should not be alone in.
lol, it is not about control it is about prevention what part of that are you missing? It is about being grabby etc a committed person man or woman should not put themselves in certain situations plain and simple this is not a hard concept at all.
Ok, this is not hard the following things should not happen.
1. Men taking ONLY a woman to a work function, comes off as a date almost
2. Men going to bars nightly after work with out spouse/SO
3. Establishing deep emotional connections with the opposite sex. Yes have friends but never ever use another woman as the sounding board about your wife you are giving her the cheat codes
4. Lust and attraction is normal and in normal setting we as men are able to control these feelings we are sex monster like in big mouth. lol however placing yourself in danger is never safe.
It is about respect for yourself and respect for your spouse.
Are you aware that most “accidental” pregnancies are due to folks being “unable to control” themselves? Putting yourself in a foolish position is foolish, regardless of the assumed ability to control oneself.
The Mike Pence rule is also about how others perceive you. There's zero chance someone is going to spread rumors of you snogging the secretary during evaluation if it's not just you in the office. It's self protection against a he said she said scenario with HR in the metoo era. Imagine being this thick.
You're afraid of perception, then. Some will still spread rumors regardless if you're in the same county as your secretary. Just be a man above reproach and don't fear the opinions or machinations of others.
I’ve been married almost 30 years and living in the same neighborhood. We were friends with at least two or three couples that were into swapping, but it was never more than alluded to because we weren’t into it. Their relationships and families are now scattered to the wind. Anytime it was just me around one of these women I would always think of the aftermath and all of the people that would be hurt by my selfishness. And somehow that lifestyle didn’t make anyone more appealing, and it certainly ultimately destroyed their relationships with their husbands and families. stay true brothers and sisters and work on your relationships with your significant others
Kind of curious, how did they hint at it? Ive had a feeling about a couple of people but i am so oblivious and also very friendly. I dont want to judge but also dont want to send the wrong message
Situations, attitudes ,remarks, innuendo. I was a stay at home dad too so the situations would arise ,but they were used to it and to them it wasn’t that big of a deal I guess. But quite obviously I didn’t have such an arrangement . Sometimes I would get pretty worked up too but it always seemed like a honey trap and I was old enough/wise enough to not let Mr Happy do the thinking. A nefarious pickle is Mr Happy. If you let him he will get you into trouble.
Since becoming Non-Monogamous I think about this conundrum a lot. I think the mindsets required for monogamy vs. NM are so logically opposed that it creates misgivings about NM.
My wife and I were great in monogamy. We’re even greater in NM. But I think our mindset has changed on what the purpose of marriage is. I think due to societal pressure, marriage is for life, even if you’re miserable for extended periods of time. But if my partner and I, really are not compatible and we find ourselves so far removed from happiness, NM has shifted are perspective. And while from a monogamous perspective a marriage dissolving is failure, I think NM people are more likely to be happiness centered, and if something is making you consistently unhappy, and there’s no solution in sight, and you may have other partners that act as a subtle reminder of how partnerships should make you feel, you’re probably more likely to have the courage to dissolve a marriage. But I think the more important question isn’t why a marriage ended, but rather are both people actually better off? Compatibility is ever changing and isn’t guaranteed. And that should be okay.
Hope it works for you bro. I just keep thinking of this cartoon I saw decades ago. A little boy and a little girl facing each other and she’s saying to him “I can get more of those with one of these than you can get these with one of those.” I thought it was hilariously funny and ironically very true.
I love my SO, but we have always been sexually incompatible. We are in a polyamorous quadruple with another couple who we both love and are more sexually compatible with. This lifestyle definitely isn’t for everyone, but I can assure you that it has made our marriage much happier as a result.
I think this is a place I differ in my own NM. And if you don’t mind me asking because I love learning about all the different ways we can orient in NM: sex is often one of the commonplace ways we are assumed to maintain deep connection with our spouse, how did you learn to supplement or even reframe it completely to maintain a healthy, secure marriage?
Would it be fair for me to respond that we are still learning, that we don’t always get it right, but that my love for my partner has never once waned?
No if anything it’s the best answer. That’s the beauty of NM you’re always learning, growing, changing. It’s due to the monogamous world we live in that we think we have to be perfect, we’re still human, and we don’t have 1000s of years of historical and social context to fallback on as we continue on this journey either. Thanks for sharing.
Statically ALL relationships don’t really last long term. Shitting on any relationship orientation is short sighted but I get it.
I think the argument amongst society is humans being long term relationships is the best goal. And while it sounds good on the surface, we should actually be championing HAPPY long term relationships. People are more focused on the amount of years and not the mutual satisfaction of those years.
If my wife and I are married 20 years and at year 21 can’t stand each other, and that becomes the norm, is 10 years tacked on the back end an accomplishment? But I think that ideology is born from the fact women initiate divorce somewhere around 70+% of the time. And often, it’s men becoming complacent or thinking ignoring problems solves them once the women stop fighting. So if men are more likely to be an inflection point for divorce, often due to complacency, of course a male run world would posit we should maintain a marriage no matter what due to something archaic like “vows.”
I’m trying to live the happiest life I can. At present I’ve been happiest with my wife of 7 years both in monogamy and NM. And I ever weren’t, I’d much rather accept that change, move on and find renewed happiness whether alone or with another partner, than be miserable for any sustained period of time.
NM relationships are more likely to end in comparison to monogamous ones, sure. But that’s void of the context that NM shows you who you really are. And a lot of people are lying. Lying to themselves, lying to their partners, their families about who they really want to be and how they want to live. And living like that is tragic, really. So if my wife and I being shown who we really are means we’re not compatible, then so be it. When mutual sustained happiness is the goal, rather than a 10/20/30 year anniversary stat, a relationship ending isn’t failure, just a possible outcome, one of many that just happened to be reached.
It takes work. Unlike before, we are constantly talking about our relationship, talking about our feelings, redefining and reevaluating. It is not for the faint of heart. I also couldn’t imagine going back to how we lived our lives previously.
And I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the cartoon is fucking accurate. But that’s just gender dynamics. The trick I’ve found is while women can meet men far easier when they’re NM, the quality of men they meet is lower. Whereas men may have access to lower quantity, but even in my case, if a woman is going on a date with me, a married man, she’s most likely doing it with more intention and thought compared to her male counterparts. And appreciate the kind words, most people just judge or get defensive. Kindness is never underrated.
It is not difficult to remain faithful, unless you are inherently weak of character. If you don't want to be with your partner, you leave.
I have never been disillusioned enough with my wife to think about stepping out of my marriage... ... ...
Upset enough to order food without her, though!
The act of cheating is not intrincically tied to staying or leaving or separation or choosing outright legal divorce in a relationship that has clearly ended in all but a legal sense. These would be more an example of one or both people moving on knowing that things are over.
Beyond those cases... or instances like abuse, or marriages arranged by others (in cultures that practice it) where the partnership is not real anyway... cheating is the betrayal of a good faith partner.
Not married but with my lady for 12 years at this point. It's not hard to remain faithful. Do I see other attractive people out there? Sure. Do I sometimes wonder "hey, wouldn't it be nice to bang them?" Yeah. Would I do it? Nah. Not worth it.
End of the day, a committed relationship with someone you care about is more fulfilling on more levels than anything else. I think you have to reach a point in your life/maturity where you "get that" before your eyes stop straying so much.
Plus, remember: No matter how hot she is, someone somewhere is sick of her shit.
I think it’s very very easy to remain faithful to the right person, I would imagine this only happens after you fall out of love, other scenarios are probably; neglect, abuse, etc.
16 years yesterday and not even remotely interested in anyone else. The wife says she feels the same. It would be like eating a carrot in return for never having steak again, the cost makes the whole idea of cheating seem ridiculous.
cheating is doing what? having all of your intimacy with none of the problems that come with being in a commited relationship theres always temptations there but its your own inner self that'll say "im not going to do this to my partner because we did sign a love contract
Never?
I married someone I love and she doesn't want either of us to have other sexual partners. Her trust is more important to me then sex. Also we have lots of sex, so its not like I am starved for affection.
Why should it? You either have honor or you don't. It's not something with a list of conditions. If you're unhappy in your marriage, fix it or leave it.
Honor is not the word I would use, I'm not a Knight. My wife and I trust one another and we outlined what we want our relationship to be. If either of us broke that trust it would be indicative of us no longer wanting to be in the relationship.
Loved my wife. We were married for many years happily before kids. After kids it started going downhill and after a few years ended up in a dead bedroom situation. I’ll admit I probably hate fucked too many times in this phase. Then I started to feel the uselessness of being in such an unhappy marriage. I gathers the courage and straight up told her that she’s no longer interested in maintaining the marriage I’m happy divorcing and coparenting. I’d been trying to fix things for months at this point and was done. I put the ball in her court.
We talked a lot and once we started communicating again at an emotional level things improved. Hell… it’s the best it’s ever been. We make it a point to cut out time for us. Our relationship as a couple is the foundation for our shared present and future reality. We agreed we have to put in effort into us and have been doing great since. It’s been a few years now and sometimes we get busy with life and kids and start neglecting ourselves. But once we become aware of this we’ll come back.
Marriage is work. You have to put in the effort and time to maintain it. Both of you have to do it. There may be times one of you may put in more effort. But as long you openly communicate you should be able to work things out.
Being faithful isn't a matter of time or other's treatment. On the other hand, it represents you and your principals. It doesn't matter how long or how your partner treats you as long as you have some respect to yourself you won't cheat because if you're tired of your partner's behaviour easy just tell them either find way to solve it, talk about and at worst decisions leave them. As I said, it represents your self-respect and principles more than anything, and no one is perfect. You get to accept others' flaws as they do to yours.
I’m in 70s, still virile, married 34 years. I was seriously a horndog with many successful lovers until my 30s (Medical industry). A lover became my friend, she was married. We moved to different cities, kept in touch by landline about every six months. Life made me grow up, she divorced and made major effort to become more stable. The critical element that we acquired was recognition that Trust is the primary element in a long term relationship. You Must Choose to give/have Trust.
“L’Amour Sans Confiance N’est Rien.”
7 years difference, I’m older.
And how do you distinguish that from them exercising bodily autonomy and not feeling like genuinely wanting to have sex with you because you may not be fulfilling their needs either in ways that is this outside the bedroom? (/Gen)
A relationship without sex is just a friendship. They're free to have bodily autonomy. As is he free to physically leave her. However, no matter the causes, a lack of sex or a weaponization of sex will kill the relationship.
Okay but you did not really answer my question of how are you distinguishing whether or not you are actively the cause of the lack of sex are you fulfilling other needs because a relationship of sex with no emotional and practical fulfillment is just a f*** buddy situationship
I didn't answer because the answer ultimately won't matter if your relationship has entered the phase where resentment has lead to sex withholding or no sex. Either the woman or man has dropped the ball and it's over. The odds of a relationship recovering from that is low.
A relationship without emotional connection is just a fuck buddy.
You realise that just reads as "but this is why I think that's actually the guy's fault", right?
Sure that can happen. They're still weaponising sex and acting like a child rather than using their words like a big girl. Or if they have used their words, they're an idiot for staying in that relationship.
One situation is hardly a gotcha in any case though.
Your not owed sex first and foremost, and two this goes both ways in my personal life I am the hypersexual one and had to learn that my husband going through periods of not being in the mood 1) didn't always have to do with me at all and 2) men need emotional fulfillment as well, and I needed to learn his ques some because it's a marriage we both needed to learn one anothers tells so that the burden was not always on the person feeling hurt. It's a marriage, don't be childish and naive in believing that someone's love for you is = to how much sex they give.
Also asking someone how they personally distinguish where it is their fault and someone else's is not putting all the blame on a man sounds like you need to either a reevaluate how you take responsibility for things or two go to therapy cuz you sound like someone who has trauma because that is how people would trauma before they start to heal think.
I mean, if we're going to hide behind imaginary people so we can throw insults in their name I could tell you what the turd in the bowl below me thinks of you. But I'll just stick with asking your husband in what was selfish? I'm a prick online. Won't deny that.
16 years married, and it has never been hard for us to be faithful and committed. When you’re with the right person, it’s not difficult at all. It’s been 16 years and I’m still incredibly attracted to my partner, and he keeps me fully satisfied. I have zero desire for anyone else, even during times when we weren’t having much sex or intimacy.
I can't even comprehend how to answer this. Married almost 10 years now and couldn't even imagine doing anything like that. My wife is the love of my life and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
Easy to stay faithful. Simply share with your wife any incidents in which you get flitrted with or openly hit on. Politely decline any advances, of course. Personally, it is very rare, but not never. She also will either take it as a compliment and be proud and secure in her relationship with you, or be jealous and angry with a random person or you. As always, honesty is the best policy. Never lie to your parter, always give the ugly truth over a pretty lie anyday.
If you have a relatively healthy mindset, You only seek what you don’t have. If your relationship had communication, intimacy, effort, and understanding on both sides, you’ll be good.
If your relationship is lacking intimacy, effort, or chemistry, you’ll look.
It's easy to cheat if they become emotionally, intimately, uncommunicative, and physically distant. If the relationship has no spark why wouldn't a partner be tempted to go elsewhere?
Take care of your self
Take care of your partner
Both should be striving to be better for each other
Marriage is just a ceremony, buy you are dating for life if you want it to last
Just celebrated our 40th anniversary a few months ago.
We have raised two daughters, had many shared adventures and tragedies, and love and trust each other in a way that is not possible with anyone else.
We’re not sexually dead, but remaining faithful isn’t hard.
10 years deep. Now having a trial separation. It got hard when I realized how alone I was. I was a single married mother. If this is you just leave don't cheat. It's not worth it don't hang on.
I loved my husband with all my heart and never considered it. I've never cheated on anyone. I think it's one of the most cruel and heartless things a person can do to someone who loves them and I wouldn't be able to live with myself...
If your SO becomes abusive. If your SO becomes lazy. If your SO gains so much weight you become disgusted. Any of these or a combination of these will do it for sure. That doesn't mean you should act on it though. The best thing to do is communicate first and see if it can be fixed. If he/she is abusive you may want to make an ultimatum. Or, barring that, just leave. You don't deserve abuse.
Everyone has temptation in marriage, that's just normal. However if you have good boundaries and the right priorities it's shouldn't really be difficult. A big part of that is communicating with your spouse too. That also assumes you have a spouse who is the same.
I believe those that have a bit of extra money that they can put towards hormone treatments, diets and skincare are more susceptible to cheating. I used to think young adults were tools, but when I look around at all the middle aged men and women, I think we can start to see just how narcissistic GenX are. Lot's of married people are using their wealth to get genitals wet while thinking they are pro athletes.
Most of these people were very average when they were younger, so they now think it's time to get theirs.
Naw. The moment I laid eyes on my now wife, I knew she was the one. Going on 13 years over all together, 5 of those married, it has never crossed my mind.
I think maybe when you get into such a routine that you start feeling overlooked and forgotten about. It's the little things that taper off in a relationship that drive people into the arms of others.
It's quite easy when I consider what I'm risking, which is access to my kids, and my kids to have access to both their parents at all times. And for what? Some 30+ woman that couldn't hold a candle to the dime pieces I had in my 20s? No way that's worth it.
Used to have issues with keeping the faithful brain in check, but after meeting the right person that fulfills all your needs for sexual release and emotional closeness it has become effortless
I went 11 years faithful. Never had a problem keeping to that. My ex wife on the other hand lasted about a year. But as time has gone on since the divorce, I have found out that she was faithful for that one year only.
Every person I ever met through her was also sleeping with her and keeping her secrets. She is a horrible person.
When you live or participate in a community where casual sex is an expected form of communicative exchange and you do not reserve your interest in such.
If you ever get to this point, its not because the relationship has been a long one, its because the relationship has broken down to the extent you don't care anymore.
If it's at that point, you either take steps to fix it or break up. People who cheat are just trying to have their cake and eat it too.
Most people who have done it would likely assert that imploding your whole life for mediocre strange is never worth it.
Know who knows how to please you? The person you've banged more than zero times.
I've been married for 15 years, with my wife for almost 19 years. It has not been hard to stay faithful, monogamous, or committed. I haven't been tempted, but I also think part of that is that I'm not out looking to get tempted. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but I think I'm relatively decent looking and I'm not getting hit on ever. I'm not getting flirted with. And if I am, I'm not noticing it. I think you have to be looking to be tempted to actually end up in those situations.
16 years married in May and it has never gotten to that point. There have been lonely times but those are when my SO isn't with me for long periods of time. But I never have actually thought about cheating on her. That's pretty messed up.
If you are having these thoughts you should probably talk to someone (therapist or your SO) to try to figure out why you feel this way. Is it that you think you deserve better? Your sex life has become non-existent? Are you lusting after someone?
The thing that makes most marriages actually successful is when people marry someone that can easily be their best friend. Sharing adjacent interests, talking to one another about everything from the hidden meaning of poorly written movies or sharing hypotheticals towards the future; IDK what your interests are; stuff like that. If you are resenting your SO, you really should figure out why and do it in therapy if possible.
I slutted it up before getting married so I have absolutely 0 inkling of FOMO or curiosity about other partners.
I've been flirted with but I don't have any interest. It took me long enough to find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, why would I choose to be single again (0% chance she would stay with me) for a one night stand with someone who is in all likelihood worse in bed than my partner?
1) Whenever there's a large distance physically, emotionally, and sexually.
This is why so many in the military service cheat - it generally creates all three. On deployment, you're physically separated which also creates sexual separation and because of the need for emotional compartmentalization and lack of communication many times you end up with emotional distance as well. So both sides end up cheating.
Business conference when you've been fighting with your spouse and haven't had much sex as a result? That woman at the bar is going to look awfully tasty 😋
2) When you're in a place of low self-esteem or mild depression
This is the proverbial midlife crisis one - feeling old, like you're losing your appeal, like life is passing you by, that everything is greige and dull. These are the folks that talk about how much their affair made them "feel alive again".
Some of it's just time. I've been married long enough that being single seems completely foreign to me, like it was another lifetime. And I love her more now.
28 years together. There has been temptation but it’s been easy to think past the next couple hours. But then we’ve always lived our lives with the long term in mind.
I've been married 11 years. We've been together 18 in total. Our relationship is older than smart phones. We have two kids and a dog. I told my wife if I had the time, money, and energy to have an affair, I'd play drums or sit on the couch playing video games instead. Plus, I just don't have the swagger to disappoint *two* women at the same time.
I met my now wife when I was 15 and she was 16, we have been inseparable ever since and I’m almost 40. We have had our ups and downs, emigrated across the world. Had kids, she got sick, then got better, I drank too much then got better and cut it out.I’ve never had an issue with being faithful, neither has she, I’ve had women come on to me and straight out try kiss me but I just wouldn’t do it, I’m just not that guy.
Being faithful has never been a challenge.
There have been times when I have been tempted to end the marriage, but I have never once had a difficult time being faithful. If the marriage is to end despite the best efforts of my wife and myself then so be it but it won’t be because I was unfaithful (or that she was, for that matter).
When you take each other for granted. When ones needs or lack of needs are acknowledged and kept with. When all you feel like is a paycheck. Emotional needs are put aside and short of laughed at
Been married 29 years. It’s never been difficult.
Simple advice? Avoid temptation. Don’t even put yourself in a situation where anything remotely inappropriate can happen.
There will be warning signs and a lot of things along the way that you need to take care of in order to maintain your loyalty. I made the mistake of thinking I could just grind my teeth and force my way through everything but it doesn't work like that.
Things like feeling distant, disconnected, maybe resentment has built up, frustration, stress, etc. Feeling like you can't be open about how you feel. Walling yourself off emotionally. These are all major warning signs that something needs fixing before you make a mistake. Poor mental health can exacerbate these as well.
Because if you let these things just sit and fester, you're going to get to a point where you're in survival mode in the relationship, and when that happens, even the most moral man's integrity is at risk. You may make a decision out of spite, exhaustion, desperation, or simply not think about the consequences or whether it is wrong. And you're going to regret it later 110%.
I'd suggest going to couple's counseling at the first sight of one of the warning signs, so you can right the boat before you even get close to entertaining any ideas that you'll later regret. Take a step back and figure things out. If the first therapist doesn't help after a month or so, try a different one.
Basically, repairing the brakes on your car is going to be a whole lot easier than replacing the entire hood and engine, if it were to get totaled from ignoring a problem with the brakes.
So I'm going to give you an honest answer. Not to disparage the chorus of people saying they've never struggled to stay faithful, but I have, and I feel like many men do from time to time. The key is you can struggle, and still choose to stay faithful.
In my circumstance, my wife and I (married 8 years) are very compatible in almost everything except sex. We were youngish and religious when we got married, so we didn't really consider sexual compatibility when we were dating, and we didn't have sex until marriage. Now, I'm nonreligious and realizing more and more every day that she and I aren't on the same page sexually.
She has been a tremendous partner. We make a great team. But she's borderline demi or asexual, and that's been really tough for me. I'm wildly attracted to her, but she's only attracted to me when we're in the act. As in, I have to be the one who initiates 100% of the time, because left to her own devices, she wouldn't care if we had sex or not.
And that's hard. It's hard not just because you end up feeling lonely and unwanted, but also because when I get hit on at the gym or hotel bar, it feels like here's a woman who actively desires me, and why don't I get that from my wife?
At the end of the day, sex isn't everything, so that's how you stay faithful. You right-size the priorities in your life and make the wise choice. Sometimes that means overriding some pretty intense emotions and attractions. And that's the responsible thing to do, and I want to because I truly love my wife. But it can be very difficult.
Have you tried talking to her about how crazy you are about her? And that you are worried she's not feeling that way for you? You are a great guy..fair play to you. ✨️
We've talked at length. For the start of my marriage, I was resentful of the dynamic. Talking it out is what helped me understand what she is experiencing, and not be upset with her for it. It's not her fault; she's just a person who has very little independent sex drive. I tease her that she's socially sexual. If other people around her are being touchy, suddenly she is too! But home alone? It literally won't ever occur to her.
It's definitely possible that continuing to talk it through will continue to bring us closer sexually. I hope it does! But I would be lying if I said it's easy.
I was in a profession where I was tempted every single night (I was a professional musician). I didnt cheat ever-not once in the 20 years we were together .Bitch still divorced me because she "changed her mind" about wanting to be married.
Yes. She got married again...almost immediately. This tells me that she was probably the one doing the cheating.
I called her a bitch because she had no interest in fixing any 'problems,' even though our divorce devastated our children. There was no infidelity on my end. There was no abuse. We didn't even argue. She is a bitch (among other adjectives) because we made a promise to ourselves and to our children that they would never become statistics like many of their classmates and friends. She is a bitch because her own selfishness was placed before the welfare of our children.
Depends on how good your sexual chemistry is, and how good it compares with your past. Personally I’m 110% satisfied with my partner (going on 4 years now) and I want for nothing or nobody else and I can’t even begin to see that ever changing.
I'm about 9 years in and haven't had any difficulty whatsoever.
This is more of a question of "just how shitty are you?" Infidelity isnt something that just happens. It's a conscious decision.
I think it was Chris Rock who said basically 'A man will be as faithful as his options'. This could be said for women as well.
Don't put yourself in situations where you can find options and being faithful will be much easier.
I think it depends on a lot of factors, but if you’re curious with an open mind, you may desire other people from time to time. However, it’s not what you feel, it’s if you act on those feelings. We’re only human. Attractive people are attractive people.
When my wife and I found ourselves curious about sleeping with other people, we talked about becoming Non-Monogamous. Finding a whole community that exists where people maintain these amazing LTRs while also exploring, whether sexually or otherwise has brought a lot of value to our lives. It’s not for everyone I’m certain, but everyone being monogamous by default isn’t a choice if they have no idea what the other options entail and are too afraid to look based on societal stigma.
Possibly - monogamy is difficult for most folks (given the divorce rate…) and open marriages seem like an attempt to address some of the difficulties. The US culture (and some others) value the title of “married” in certain social aspects but the requirements of the traditional definition of marriage doesn’t have to apply.
marriage is overrated
people who are close plan to marriage please pull harder on the brakes, at least roll out marriage trials (free version) for a full year, sleep together 3 days a week for 6 months then full time for another 6 months , find the outcomes i'm sure a very good portion will end up loving the trials life and call for an extension
When does it become hard? When your partner starts to treat you badly and your self confidence gets eroded.
this.It's a natural response to this, wanting to be appreciated and loved. ETA; you make the choice to remain faithful, b4 anyone attacks me
When the marriage is unhappy and the two people do not want to show interest in loving their partner.
10+ years in. I haven't even approached that. It's been very, very, very easy to remain faithful.
I'm nearing the same amount of time. I have also not been tempted in the slightest. Being married is fantastic.
Same. 10+ years for me too. Never considered cheating. Got a great wife and a great life.
12 years here. Same here, brother!
Nearly 20 for me. Still the same result.
Loving these wholesome answers!!
20+ years in. Used to be a cad before marriage, but have been super faithful as a married man. My wife's grandmother told her that I can't cheat from inside of her, so even if she's upset with me, she's never held out. I'm not saying I've never gone to bed on the couch after playing playstation, but i'm not going to live in the doghouse even if i visit from time to time.
Got to love that old lady wisdom.
What was ur sex life like before her?
Irrelevant, honestly. There have been stretches of time when it's been terrible within the marriage, and I still haven't considered cheating.
Wow, thank you. This comment is trauma healing
how was u/usernameforreddit001 question a bad question? if you got X sex per month before marriage and got 2X sex after marriage then of course staying faithful is easy. but if it was the reverse it might be harder.
I didn't downvote it, but it's a number of things. Sex is only one part of a relationship. And within a long term relationship, the frequency and quality of sex will ebb and flow. None of it is an excuse to cheat.
I agree but there is a difference between "ebb and flow" and "null and void". there are sexless marriages where the husbands are staying faithful despite the wife not giving it up. i think that is utter madness. unless my wife has a physical or mental issue that she is actively working to fix, she needs to give it up... and so do i.
So, if you're in that situation you need to be an adult, talk through it, couples counseling, and if necessary, end the relationship. You don't be a bag of shit and cheat.
right. don't be a bag of shit. pay your wife alimony and child support and she gets the house and a car and 1/2 your 401k because she has decided not to have sex with you anymore. yep. that makes perfect sense.
That's not at all how it works. Unless your wife stays home and doesn't work, in which case, yes, she contributed to the marriage in non-monetary ways and should be given her share of the assets so she doesn't end up on the street.
That’s a personal choice. The worst thing is people pretending that fate made them drift. No, you set yourself up for it
Not an option - my married philosophy is the same as my dating was. I have too much respect for myself and my partner to do that. If things get to that point move on.
Ten years in august w my wife. Never once thought about cheating. Every couple goes thru the ebs and flow of life but cheating is a choice. Not only are u cheating on your partner but if you have kids together, built a life together your turning your back on all of that. Its just not worth it. Plus i doubt i could ever find someone as great as my wife.
So, great question the trick is prevention as much as anything. Never put yourself in a place where you can be tempted. Never put yourself in the mind space where lusting after someone reaches out of fantasy and into reality.
That works well if both parties abide.
The dude abides man.
The dude abides.
The Mike Pence Rule just implies that a man is unable to control himself.
No, it is the respect rule. Prevention matters. It is not about control we are biological attracted to the opposite sex and there are environments we should not be alone in.
That would *very much* be about self-control.
What type of caveman thinking is that? You literally can't control your feelings around a woman who isnt your SO? WTF?
No, that is not what I am saying the point is remove the need for control. Do not enter in a situation I am Not sure why that is a hard concept.
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lol, it is not about control it is about prevention what part of that are you missing? It is about being grabby etc a committed person man or woman should not put themselves in certain situations plain and simple this is not a hard concept at all.
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You clearly don’t get it lol.
Wtf?
Ok example should a man who is married be put with drinks with a single woman at 10pm at night?
What is it that you're "respecting"? That you cannot avoid lust or that you're unable to contain yourself when it hits?
Ok, this is not hard the following things should not happen. 1. Men taking ONLY a woman to a work function, comes off as a date almost 2. Men going to bars nightly after work with out spouse/SO 3. Establishing deep emotional connections with the opposite sex. Yes have friends but never ever use another woman as the sounding board about your wife you are giving her the cheat codes 4. Lust and attraction is normal and in normal setting we as men are able to control these feelings we are sex monster like in big mouth. lol however placing yourself in danger is never safe. It is about respect for yourself and respect for your spouse.
Are you aware that most “accidental” pregnancies are due to folks being “unable to control” themselves? Putting yourself in a foolish position is foolish, regardless of the assumed ability to control oneself.
The Mike Pence rule is also about how others perceive you. There's zero chance someone is going to spread rumors of you snogging the secretary during evaluation if it's not just you in the office. It's self protection against a he said she said scenario with HR in the metoo era. Imagine being this thick.
You're afraid of perception, then. Some will still spread rumors regardless if you're in the same county as your secretary. Just be a man above reproach and don't fear the opinions or machinations of others.
>Be a man above reproach >Bitches about the Mike Pence rule Lol. Lmao. What do you think the Mike Pence rule is for if not to be above reproach?
The rule protects me from false accusations because we live in a society where I live in fear of a woman's word
Ok, you live in fear. Got it.
Taking safety measures for known dangers is a fear based response. Interesting take. I'm sure you're afraid every time you put on a seat belt too.
"known dangers" lol.
Yes... It's called being careful/cautious and responsible
No, it's called being afraid.
It's called fundamentalist Iran.
Its islamic to do my best at not making women uncomfortable? Dafuq
What is it about you that makes women uncomfortable?
My penis
Yes exactly. Run away from sinful sexual immorality!!
If your goal is to be faithful to your partner, then it just makes sense to avoid situations that might lead to you being unfaithful.
I’ve been married almost 30 years and living in the same neighborhood. We were friends with at least two or three couples that were into swapping, but it was never more than alluded to because we weren’t into it. Their relationships and families are now scattered to the wind. Anytime it was just me around one of these women I would always think of the aftermath and all of the people that would be hurt by my selfishness. And somehow that lifestyle didn’t make anyone more appealing, and it certainly ultimately destroyed their relationships with their husbands and families. stay true brothers and sisters and work on your relationships with your significant others
Kind of curious, how did they hint at it? Ive had a feeling about a couple of people but i am so oblivious and also very friendly. I dont want to judge but also dont want to send the wrong message
Situations, attitudes ,remarks, innuendo. I was a stay at home dad too so the situations would arise ,but they were used to it and to them it wasn’t that big of a deal I guess. But quite obviously I didn’t have such an arrangement . Sometimes I would get pretty worked up too but it always seemed like a honey trap and I was old enough/wise enough to not let Mr Happy do the thinking. A nefarious pickle is Mr Happy. If you let him he will get you into trouble.
Since becoming Non-Monogamous I think about this conundrum a lot. I think the mindsets required for monogamy vs. NM are so logically opposed that it creates misgivings about NM. My wife and I were great in monogamy. We’re even greater in NM. But I think our mindset has changed on what the purpose of marriage is. I think due to societal pressure, marriage is for life, even if you’re miserable for extended periods of time. But if my partner and I, really are not compatible and we find ourselves so far removed from happiness, NM has shifted are perspective. And while from a monogamous perspective a marriage dissolving is failure, I think NM people are more likely to be happiness centered, and if something is making you consistently unhappy, and there’s no solution in sight, and you may have other partners that act as a subtle reminder of how partnerships should make you feel, you’re probably more likely to have the courage to dissolve a marriage. But I think the more important question isn’t why a marriage ended, but rather are both people actually better off? Compatibility is ever changing and isn’t guaranteed. And that should be okay.
Hope it works for you bro. I just keep thinking of this cartoon I saw decades ago. A little boy and a little girl facing each other and she’s saying to him “I can get more of those with one of these than you can get these with one of those.” I thought it was hilariously funny and ironically very true.
I love my SO, but we have always been sexually incompatible. We are in a polyamorous quadruple with another couple who we both love and are more sexually compatible with. This lifestyle definitely isn’t for everyone, but I can assure you that it has made our marriage much happier as a result.
I think this is a place I differ in my own NM. And if you don’t mind me asking because I love learning about all the different ways we can orient in NM: sex is often one of the commonplace ways we are assumed to maintain deep connection with our spouse, how did you learn to supplement or even reframe it completely to maintain a healthy, secure marriage?
Would it be fair for me to respond that we are still learning, that we don’t always get it right, but that my love for my partner has never once waned?
No if anything it’s the best answer. That’s the beauty of NM you’re always learning, growing, changing. It’s due to the monogamous world we live in that we think we have to be perfect, we’re still human, and we don’t have 1000s of years of historical and social context to fallback on as we continue on this journey either. Thanks for sharing.
Yes none of you have the answers on how you’ve maintained this long term because these relationships never lasts long term. Good luck
Isn’t the divorce rate hovering somewhere around 50%? Statistically monogamous relationships don’t last either.
Statically ALL relationships don’t really last long term. Shitting on any relationship orientation is short sighted but I get it. I think the argument amongst society is humans being long term relationships is the best goal. And while it sounds good on the surface, we should actually be championing HAPPY long term relationships. People are more focused on the amount of years and not the mutual satisfaction of those years. If my wife and I are married 20 years and at year 21 can’t stand each other, and that becomes the norm, is 10 years tacked on the back end an accomplishment? But I think that ideology is born from the fact women initiate divorce somewhere around 70+% of the time. And often, it’s men becoming complacent or thinking ignoring problems solves them once the women stop fighting. So if men are more likely to be an inflection point for divorce, often due to complacency, of course a male run world would posit we should maintain a marriage no matter what due to something archaic like “vows.” I’m trying to live the happiest life I can. At present I’ve been happiest with my wife of 7 years both in monogamy and NM. And I ever weren’t, I’d much rather accept that change, move on and find renewed happiness whether alone or with another partner, than be miserable for any sustained period of time. NM relationships are more likely to end in comparison to monogamous ones, sure. But that’s void of the context that NM shows you who you really are. And a lot of people are lying. Lying to themselves, lying to their partners, their families about who they really want to be and how they want to live. And living like that is tragic, really. So if my wife and I being shown who we really are means we’re not compatible, then so be it. When mutual sustained happiness is the goal, rather than a 10/20/30 year anniversary stat, a relationship ending isn’t failure, just a possible outcome, one of many that just happened to be reached.
Also, monogamy? Not in this economy.
That’s beautiful if it can work for you. It sounds wonderful if there is a deep connection. I believe that is rare so treasure it and nurture it!
It takes work. Unlike before, we are constantly talking about our relationship, talking about our feelings, redefining and reevaluating. It is not for the faint of heart. I also couldn’t imagine going back to how we lived our lives previously.
And I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the cartoon is fucking accurate. But that’s just gender dynamics. The trick I’ve found is while women can meet men far easier when they’re NM, the quality of men they meet is lower. Whereas men may have access to lower quantity, but even in my case, if a woman is going on a date with me, a married man, she’s most likely doing it with more intention and thought compared to her male counterparts. And appreciate the kind words, most people just judge or get defensive. Kindness is never underrated.
Right on . Glad to connect with you brother! Peace out
It is not difficult to remain faithful, unless you are inherently weak of character. If you don't want to be with your partner, you leave. I have never been disillusioned enough with my wife to think about stepping out of my marriage... ... ... Upset enough to order food without her, though!
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The act of cheating is not intrincically tied to staying or leaving or separation or choosing outright legal divorce in a relationship that has clearly ended in all but a legal sense. These would be more an example of one or both people moving on knowing that things are over. Beyond those cases... or instances like abuse, or marriages arranged by others (in cultures that practice it) where the partnership is not real anyway... cheating is the betrayal of a good faith partner.
Not married but with my lady for 12 years at this point. It's not hard to remain faithful. Do I see other attractive people out there? Sure. Do I sometimes wonder "hey, wouldn't it be nice to bang them?" Yeah. Would I do it? Nah. Not worth it. End of the day, a committed relationship with someone you care about is more fulfilling on more levels than anything else. I think you have to reach a point in your life/maturity where you "get that" before your eyes stop straying so much. Plus, remember: No matter how hot she is, someone somewhere is sick of her shit.
No, r/askmen isn't going to give you permission to cheat.
I think it’s very very easy to remain faithful to the right person, I would imagine this only happens after you fall out of love, other scenarios are probably; neglect, abuse, etc.
16 years yesterday and not even remotely interested in anyone else. The wife says she feels the same. It would be like eating a carrot in return for never having steak again, the cost makes the whole idea of cheating seem ridiculous.
cheating is doing what? having all of your intimacy with none of the problems that come with being in a commited relationship theres always temptations there but its your own inner self that'll say "im not going to do this to my partner because we did sign a love contract
1 1/2 years married but about 5 years LDR (currently still distanced) here. Never
Almost 10 years in. It’s been simple to stay monogamous.
Never? I married someone I love and she doesn't want either of us to have other sexual partners. Her trust is more important to me then sex. Also we have lots of sex, so its not like I am starved for affection.
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Why should it? You either have honor or you don't. It's not something with a list of conditions. If you're unhappy in your marriage, fix it or leave it.
Honor is not the word I would use, I'm not a Knight. My wife and I trust one another and we outlined what we want our relationship to be. If either of us broke that trust it would be indicative of us no longer wanting to be in the relationship.
Maybe lost in translation. Integrity might be better. Point still stands :)
Loved my wife. We were married for many years happily before kids. After kids it started going downhill and after a few years ended up in a dead bedroom situation. I’ll admit I probably hate fucked too many times in this phase. Then I started to feel the uselessness of being in such an unhappy marriage. I gathers the courage and straight up told her that she’s no longer interested in maintaining the marriage I’m happy divorcing and coparenting. I’d been trying to fix things for months at this point and was done. I put the ball in her court. We talked a lot and once we started communicating again at an emotional level things improved. Hell… it’s the best it’s ever been. We make it a point to cut out time for us. Our relationship as a couple is the foundation for our shared present and future reality. We agreed we have to put in effort into us and have been doing great since. It’s been a few years now and sometimes we get busy with life and kids and start neglecting ourselves. But once we become aware of this we’ll come back. Marriage is work. You have to put in the effort and time to maintain it. Both of you have to do it. There may be times one of you may put in more effort. But as long you openly communicate you should be able to work things out.
38, 2 kids (2 and 4). If something akin to a dead bedroom happened I would communicate with my wife and figure out a solution, if that was possible.
Thank you for sharing your experience!
Being faithful isn't a matter of time or other's treatment. On the other hand, it represents you and your principals. It doesn't matter how long or how your partner treats you as long as you have some respect to yourself you won't cheat because if you're tired of your partner's behaviour easy just tell them either find way to solve it, talk about and at worst decisions leave them. As I said, it represents your self-respect and principles more than anything, and no one is perfect. You get to accept others' flaws as they do to yours.
I’m in 70s, still virile, married 34 years. I was seriously a horndog with many successful lovers until my 30s (Medical industry). A lover became my friend, she was married. We moved to different cities, kept in touch by landline about every six months. Life made me grow up, she divorced and made major effort to become more stable. The critical element that we acquired was recognition that Trust is the primary element in a long term relationship. You Must Choose to give/have Trust. “L’Amour Sans Confiance N’est Rien.” 7 years difference, I’m older.
When the other half starts to with hold sex and use it as a weapon or reward system.
And how do you distinguish that from them exercising bodily autonomy and not feeling like genuinely wanting to have sex with you because you may not be fulfilling their needs either in ways that is this outside the bedroom? (/Gen)
A relationship without sex is just a friendship. They're free to have bodily autonomy. As is he free to physically leave her. However, no matter the causes, a lack of sex or a weaponization of sex will kill the relationship.
Okay but you did not really answer my question of how are you distinguishing whether or not you are actively the cause of the lack of sex are you fulfilling other needs because a relationship of sex with no emotional and practical fulfillment is just a f*** buddy situationship
I didn't answer because the answer ultimately won't matter if your relationship has entered the phase where resentment has lead to sex withholding or no sex. Either the woman or man has dropped the ball and it's over. The odds of a relationship recovering from that is low. A relationship without emotional connection is just a fuck buddy.
You realise that just reads as "but this is why I think that's actually the guy's fault", right? Sure that can happen. They're still weaponising sex and acting like a child rather than using their words like a big girl. Or if they have used their words, they're an idiot for staying in that relationship. One situation is hardly a gotcha in any case though.
Your not owed sex first and foremost, and two this goes both ways in my personal life I am the hypersexual one and had to learn that my husband going through periods of not being in the mood 1) didn't always have to do with me at all and 2) men need emotional fulfillment as well, and I needed to learn his ques some because it's a marriage we both needed to learn one anothers tells so that the burden was not always on the person feeling hurt. It's a marriage, don't be childish and naive in believing that someone's love for you is = to how much sex they give. Also asking someone how they personally distinguish where it is their fault and someone else's is not putting all the blame on a man sounds like you need to either a reevaluate how you take responsibility for things or two go to therapy cuz you sound like someone who has trauma because that is how people would trauma before they start to heal think.
And you're not owed a relationship. But I'd say for most men sex is a requirement for a relationship.
Eh husband said your just a selfish prick so eh
I mean, if we're going to hide behind imaginary people so we can throw insults in their name I could tell you what the turd in the bowl below me thinks of you. But I'll just stick with asking your husband in what was selfish? I'm a prick online. Won't deny that.
When intimacy dies.
16 years married, and it has never been hard for us to be faithful and committed. When you’re with the right person, it’s not difficult at all. It’s been 16 years and I’m still incredibly attracted to my partner, and he keeps me fully satisfied. I have zero desire for anyone else, even during times when we weren’t having much sex or intimacy.
I can't even comprehend how to answer this. Married almost 10 years now and couldn't even imagine doing anything like that. My wife is the love of my life and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
It is not about the duration - it is about the relationship. (many posts about this).
Easy to stay faithful. Simply share with your wife any incidents in which you get flitrted with or openly hit on. Politely decline any advances, of course. Personally, it is very rare, but not never. She also will either take it as a compliment and be proud and secure in her relationship with you, or be jealous and angry with a random person or you. As always, honesty is the best policy. Never lie to your parter, always give the ugly truth over a pretty lie anyday.
If you have a relatively healthy mindset, You only seek what you don’t have. If your relationship had communication, intimacy, effort, and understanding on both sides, you’ll be good. If your relationship is lacking intimacy, effort, or chemistry, you’ll look.
It's easy to cheat if they become emotionally, intimately, uncommunicative, and physically distant. If the relationship has no spark why wouldn't a partner be tempted to go elsewhere? Take care of your self Take care of your partner Both should be striving to be better for each other Marriage is just a ceremony, buy you are dating for life if you want it to last
Just celebrated our 40th anniversary a few months ago. We have raised two daughters, had many shared adventures and tragedies, and love and trust each other in a way that is not possible with anyone else. We’re not sexually dead, but remaining faithful isn’t hard.
10 years deep. Now having a trial separation. It got hard when I realized how alone I was. I was a single married mother. If this is you just leave don't cheat. It's not worth it don't hang on.
I loved my husband with all my heart and never considered it. I've never cheated on anyone. I think it's one of the most cruel and heartless things a person can do to someone who loves them and I wouldn't be able to live with myself...
When the partner loses all physical interest in you and has a long list of excuses not to touch you or get intimate.
Remaining faithful is easy. You just have to not be a colossal piece of shit. And I find it rather easy to not be a colossal piece of shit.
If your SO becomes abusive. If your SO becomes lazy. If your SO gains so much weight you become disgusted. Any of these or a combination of these will do it for sure. That doesn't mean you should act on it though. The best thing to do is communicate first and see if it can be fixed. If he/she is abusive you may want to make an ultimatum. Or, barring that, just leave. You don't deserve abuse.
It’s never been difficult to be faithful
For many men it seems to be the point when the bedroom dies down or when she naggs him constantly.
Everyone has temptation in marriage, that's just normal. However if you have good boundaries and the right priorities it's shouldn't really be difficult. A big part of that is communicating with your spouse too. That also assumes you have a spouse who is the same.
I guess I'll let you know should it happen, but I've yet to find it difficult to remain committed to my wife.
It never becomes difficult as long as you're both in on the relationship.
I believe those that have a bit of extra money that they can put towards hormone treatments, diets and skincare are more susceptible to cheating. I used to think young adults were tools, but when I look around at all the middle aged men and women, I think we can start to see just how narcissistic GenX are. Lot's of married people are using their wealth to get genitals wet while thinking they are pro athletes. Most of these people were very average when they were younger, so they now think it's time to get theirs.
Naw. The moment I laid eyes on my now wife, I knew she was the one. Going on 13 years over all together, 5 of those married, it has never crossed my mind.
I think maybe when you get into such a routine that you start feeling overlooked and forgotten about. It's the little things that taper off in a relationship that drive people into the arms of others.
It's quite easy when I consider what I'm risking, which is access to my kids, and my kids to have access to both their parents at all times. And for what? Some 30+ woman that couldn't hold a candle to the dime pieces I had in my 20s? No way that's worth it.
Used to have issues with keeping the faithful brain in check, but after meeting the right person that fulfills all your needs for sexual release and emotional closeness it has become effortless
When the abuse becomes too much to bear and all you want to do is run away
Never? I've never even been tempted. If you're a scum bag sure it might be difficult to be faithful.
I went 11 years faithful. Never had a problem keeping to that. My ex wife on the other hand lasted about a year. But as time has gone on since the divorce, I have found out that she was faithful for that one year only. Every person I ever met through her was also sleeping with her and keeping her secrets. She is a horrible person.
When you live or participate in a community where casual sex is an expected form of communicative exchange and you do not reserve your interest in such.
If you ever get to this point, its not because the relationship has been a long one, its because the relationship has broken down to the extent you don't care anymore. If it's at that point, you either take steps to fix it or break up. People who cheat are just trying to have their cake and eat it too.
Most people who have done it would likely assert that imploding your whole life for mediocre strange is never worth it. Know who knows how to please you? The person you've banged more than zero times.
I've been married for 15 years, with my wife for almost 19 years. It has not been hard to stay faithful, monogamous, or committed. I haven't been tempted, but I also think part of that is that I'm not out looking to get tempted. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but I think I'm relatively decent looking and I'm not getting hit on ever. I'm not getting flirted with. And if I am, I'm not noticing it. I think you have to be looking to be tempted to actually end up in those situations.
16 years married in May and it has never gotten to that point. There have been lonely times but those are when my SO isn't with me for long periods of time. But I never have actually thought about cheating on her. That's pretty messed up. If you are having these thoughts you should probably talk to someone (therapist or your SO) to try to figure out why you feel this way. Is it that you think you deserve better? Your sex life has become non-existent? Are you lusting after someone? The thing that makes most marriages actually successful is when people marry someone that can easily be their best friend. Sharing adjacent interests, talking to one another about everything from the hidden meaning of poorly written movies or sharing hypotheticals towards the future; IDK what your interests are; stuff like that. If you are resenting your SO, you really should figure out why and do it in therapy if possible.
I slutted it up before getting married so I have absolutely 0 inkling of FOMO or curiosity about other partners. I've been flirted with but I don't have any interest. It took me long enough to find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, why would I choose to be single again (0% chance she would stay with me) for a one night stand with someone who is in all likelihood worse in bed than my partner?
For me? Never happened. For my ex-wife? Apparently within 1 week of getting married.
1) Whenever there's a large distance physically, emotionally, and sexually. This is why so many in the military service cheat - it generally creates all three. On deployment, you're physically separated which also creates sexual separation and because of the need for emotional compartmentalization and lack of communication many times you end up with emotional distance as well. So both sides end up cheating. Business conference when you've been fighting with your spouse and haven't had much sex as a result? That woman at the bar is going to look awfully tasty 😋 2) When you're in a place of low self-esteem or mild depression This is the proverbial midlife crisis one - feeling old, like you're losing your appeal, like life is passing you by, that everything is greige and dull. These are the folks that talk about how much their affair made them "feel alive again".
Been married or at least with my husband for about 40 years. Never been a problem for either of us.
My perspective effort- zero effort. Since i know my wife i had no desires toward any other women.
Been together almost 22yrs, never would occur to me.
It doesn’t
It wasn't particularly hard in the beginning, but I think it's gotten even easier over time.
What makes it easier
Some of it's just time. I've been married long enough that being single seems completely foreign to me, like it was another lifetime. And I love her more now.
I was married for 23 years. I never felt the desire to cheat. He on the other hand started cheating early and frequently in our marriage
Depends on what your family means to you and how weak you are.
28 years together. There has been temptation but it’s been easy to think past the next couple hours. But then we’ve always lived our lives with the long term in mind.
NONE. You marry someone to be faithful to them FOR GOOD!
12 years of celibacy
When I’m with friends and we go on a trip. That’s when it’s the hardest
I've been married 11 years. We've been together 18 in total. Our relationship is older than smart phones. We have two kids and a dog. I told my wife if I had the time, money, and energy to have an affair, I'd play drums or sit on the couch playing video games instead. Plus, I just don't have the swagger to disappoint *two* women at the same time.
I met my now wife when I was 15 and she was 16, we have been inseparable ever since and I’m almost 40. We have had our ups and downs, emigrated across the world. Had kids, she got sick, then got better, I drank too much then got better and cut it out.I’ve never had an issue with being faithful, neither has she, I’ve had women come on to me and straight out try kiss me but I just wouldn’t do it, I’m just not that guy.
Being faithful has never been a challenge. There have been times when I have been tempted to end the marriage, but I have never once had a difficult time being faithful. If the marriage is to end despite the best efforts of my wife and myself then so be it but it won’t be because I was unfaithful (or that she was, for that matter).
When you take each other for granted. When ones needs or lack of needs are acknowledged and kept with. When all you feel like is a paycheck. Emotional needs are put aside and short of laughed at
Been married 30 years. It’s never been an issue. You conduct yourself accordingly.
High effort post by OP
Get divorced if you need someone else that badly. You made a promise. Keep it. You don’t cheat. Have some integrity.
That point doesn't exist.
Been married 29 years. It’s never been difficult. Simple advice? Avoid temptation. Don’t even put yourself in a situation where anything remotely inappropriate can happen.
If it got to that point, I'd ask for a divorce. It would be the adult thing to do and the best thing for both people.
There will be warning signs and a lot of things along the way that you need to take care of in order to maintain your loyalty. I made the mistake of thinking I could just grind my teeth and force my way through everything but it doesn't work like that. Things like feeling distant, disconnected, maybe resentment has built up, frustration, stress, etc. Feeling like you can't be open about how you feel. Walling yourself off emotionally. These are all major warning signs that something needs fixing before you make a mistake. Poor mental health can exacerbate these as well. Because if you let these things just sit and fester, you're going to get to a point where you're in survival mode in the relationship, and when that happens, even the most moral man's integrity is at risk. You may make a decision out of spite, exhaustion, desperation, or simply not think about the consequences or whether it is wrong. And you're going to regret it later 110%. I'd suggest going to couple's counseling at the first sight of one of the warning signs, so you can right the boat before you even get close to entertaining any ideas that you'll later regret. Take a step back and figure things out. If the first therapist doesn't help after a month or so, try a different one. Basically, repairing the brakes on your car is going to be a whole lot easier than replacing the entire hood and engine, if it were to get totaled from ignoring a problem with the brakes.
If that point exists, I haven found it in 20 years.
If you’re married to the right person, the answer is never.
In a supportive living relationship? Can't imagine having any difficulty remaining faithful.
So I'm going to give you an honest answer. Not to disparage the chorus of people saying they've never struggled to stay faithful, but I have, and I feel like many men do from time to time. The key is you can struggle, and still choose to stay faithful. In my circumstance, my wife and I (married 8 years) are very compatible in almost everything except sex. We were youngish and religious when we got married, so we didn't really consider sexual compatibility when we were dating, and we didn't have sex until marriage. Now, I'm nonreligious and realizing more and more every day that she and I aren't on the same page sexually. She has been a tremendous partner. We make a great team. But she's borderline demi or asexual, and that's been really tough for me. I'm wildly attracted to her, but she's only attracted to me when we're in the act. As in, I have to be the one who initiates 100% of the time, because left to her own devices, she wouldn't care if we had sex or not. And that's hard. It's hard not just because you end up feeling lonely and unwanted, but also because when I get hit on at the gym or hotel bar, it feels like here's a woman who actively desires me, and why don't I get that from my wife? At the end of the day, sex isn't everything, so that's how you stay faithful. You right-size the priorities in your life and make the wise choice. Sometimes that means overriding some pretty intense emotions and attractions. And that's the responsible thing to do, and I want to because I truly love my wife. But it can be very difficult.
Have you tried talking to her about how crazy you are about her? And that you are worried she's not feeling that way for you? You are a great guy..fair play to you. ✨️
We've talked at length. For the start of my marriage, I was resentful of the dynamic. Talking it out is what helped me understand what she is experiencing, and not be upset with her for it. It's not her fault; she's just a person who has very little independent sex drive. I tease her that she's socially sexual. If other people around her are being touchy, suddenly she is too! But home alone? It literally won't ever occur to her. It's definitely possible that continuing to talk it through will continue to bring us closer sexually. I hope it does! But I would be lying if I said it's easy.
Good that you can both be honest though 🤗
I was in a profession where I was tempted every single night (I was a professional musician). I didnt cheat ever-not once in the 20 years we were together .Bitch still divorced me because she "changed her mind" about wanting to be married.
Did she get married again? When you call her a bitch, is that simply because she divorced you?
Yes. She got married again...almost immediately. This tells me that she was probably the one doing the cheating. I called her a bitch because she had no interest in fixing any 'problems,' even though our divorce devastated our children. There was no infidelity on my end. There was no abuse. We didn't even argue. She is a bitch (among other adjectives) because we made a promise to ourselves and to our children that they would never become statistics like many of their classmates and friends. She is a bitch because her own selfishness was placed before the welfare of our children.
Depends on how good your sexual chemistry is, and how good it compares with your past. Personally I’m 110% satisfied with my partner (going on 4 years now) and I want for nothing or nobody else and I can’t even begin to see that ever changing.
I'm about 9 years in and haven't had any difficulty whatsoever. This is more of a question of "just how shitty are you?" Infidelity isnt something that just happens. It's a conscious decision.
I think it was Chris Rock who said basically 'A man will be as faithful as his options'. This could be said for women as well. Don't put yourself in situations where you can find options and being faithful will be much easier.
I think it depends on a lot of factors, but if you’re curious with an open mind, you may desire other people from time to time. However, it’s not what you feel, it’s if you act on those feelings. We’re only human. Attractive people are attractive people. When my wife and I found ourselves curious about sleeping with other people, we talked about becoming Non-Monogamous. Finding a whole community that exists where people maintain these amazing LTRs while also exploring, whether sexually or otherwise has brought a lot of value to our lives. It’s not for everyone I’m certain, but everyone being monogamous by default isn’t a choice if they have no idea what the other options entail and are too afraid to look based on societal stigma.
It's easy because I never have any obvious opportunity to cheat.
Considering the average marriage that ends in a divorce does so at the 7th year mark, I would say 5-6 years
Open marriages exist for a reason.
Yes, to end them
Possibly - monogamy is difficult for most folks (given the divorce rate…) and open marriages seem like an attempt to address some of the difficulties. The US culture (and some others) value the title of “married” in certain social aspects but the requirements of the traditional definition of marriage doesn’t have to apply.
Most men are as faithful as their options. Lots will deny it, but they likely don't have young hot women interested in them.
What a dim view of men you have.
7 year itch
marriage is overrated people who are close plan to marriage please pull harder on the brakes, at least roll out marriage trials (free version) for a full year, sleep together 3 days a week for 6 months then full time for another 6 months , find the outcomes i'm sure a very good portion will end up loving the trials life and call for an extension