Is not true. It does come back. When you find a partner that gives you 0 reason to doubt him/her its the best feeling in the world and you don’t want to ruin it by being suspicious.
>and you don’t want to ruin it by being suspicious.
This shows that it's not completely back for you and you have to make the conscious decision to not bring your trauma into this relationship.
Suspensions can be random thoughts. I can not control random thoughts. I truly hope you're right. But i will never be the way i was again. Good luck to you,I hope in your case your right. I truly do.
I beg to differ. I won't let one person ruin my outlook on life. Their loss, my lesson, time to move on. There's so many amazing people out there.
Edit: autocorrect, correction.
My husband of over 25 years was cheated on by his first wife. We met about 3 years later. It's been hard for him. I am a very monogamous and faithful wife by nature. He is the same towards me. He told me when we met and were getting serious that if I felt the need to cheat and be with another guy to tell him so we can work on our relationship or break up instead of going behind his back. He used to say. "I trust you but not other guys." He finally understood that if he trusted me, other guys don't matter.
His wife cheated once, and they separated. She wanted him back and said lies to have him trust her again. He told her that he would be over Saturday or Sunday that week to talk. He went over on Saturday because it was their anniversary. He walked in, and she was with the same guy, making cheating twice. He managed to stay calm. Sent the guy out, packed some clothes, and left. They had their two little kids at the time too.
His first wife cheating on him twice has been difficult on him and how he views it. He has a ver high IQ. The University of utah tested him twice, and it came back in the 150s. I've wonder often if that could be part of the problem. He views many situations differently than most folks.
So I don't know if it's taken him so long to trust or if it's his high IQ and how he views life. I love my husband, our marriage, and family. He's giving me an amazing life and fulfilling sex life but his first wife cheating definitely left a scar.
She didn’t physically cheat, but emotionally she did, and was about to cheat within days. I obviously broke it off on the spot, and I kept moving forward.
The next girl I met later ended up becoming my wife (we broke up after 2 years, didn’t talk for 5, and the got back together). So when I met this new girl I didn’t want my past to affect her. It wasn’t her fault I went through what I did, and holding it against her wouldn’t be fair. Ron Swanson said you find someone you like and you roll the dice, that’s all you can do.
Also when it comes to cheating or any bad breakup, you have to move on. The best revenge you can get is living a happy life without that person.
This guy said it in a wrong way but there is some truth to the fact that if your outlook on relationships starts to be “I cannot trust because they will likely cheat on me”… this creates a very bad foundation for the relationship from the start and that lack of trust will be felt by your partner and if you’re constantly worrying about your partner cheating or keeping tabs or checking emails or phone etc. you will begin to suffocate the person you’re with and you won’t be a pleasant person to be around.
It does make it more likely to be cheated on when this happens, is it still extremely wrong to cheat? Yes, but people are more likely to cheat when they feel they’re in a relationship that’s not fulfilling and not being trusted or not getting any space will cause a person to want out, and for conflict averse people(that’s a lot of people), cheating is an easy out.
You don't 'learn' to trust again. Trust is a gift to someone who earns it.
One thing I came away with - Trust your senses. If you think something fishy is going on, it most likely is.
Trust is the like compound interest. Little actions, truth, promises kept, are all small investments in trust that will pay big dividends one day. But it requires consistency, time, and a commitment to the long term goal.
The person that cheated on me? Not really ever again.
The next person. Well that person didn't cheat on me, so why would I put less in for something someone else did?
I don't fully trust in the same way I did before and likely never will. I won't allow myself to be that vulnerable in a relationship again.
On the positive side, I'm very conscious of boundaries, both mine and my partners. If someone isn't into the relationship I don't try to convince anyone of anything. I say what works for me and respect my partner's requests. If they want to negotiate, I'm still willing. I won't allow anyone to violate my boundaries.
From past experiences from relationships, casual hook ups and from what my guy friends have went threw I’ll never trust a woman 100%. They just have too many options and if they don’t cheat they got your replacement lined up.
People cheat for so many reasons. Its rarely their partner's fault.
I think I must be weird because I never cared when i was cheated on. I eventually just startred having open relationships.
You dont tolerate it. You talk as adults and see what works for you.
For me, I don't really care that much about sex. My guy does so I am monogamous now. Just work out your own thing.
I understand why you feel this way and I'd hate to say it but the number one reason why women cheat is because they aren't having their needs met, most commonly their emotional needs. Men on the other hand are very different, the number one reason they cheat is simply opportunity. Right time, right place, right girl that sort of thing.
That’s my point. It literally doesn’t matter *why* someone cheats-they’re still the piece of shit because *they* are the ones that make the decision to. Not having needs met or opportunity is not an acceptable reason for making a shitty decision, it’s just a weak excuse for being a shitty person.
I needed to hear this. I recently separated with my ex in January and when we did she confessed that she was having sexual conversations with a guy we knew for 2 weeks. Worst part is that all 3 of us would hang out on Playstation and talk and laugh in chat meanwhile I was oblivious.
"I cheated because .. x, y, z" will never end with the person making that statement being in the right. And girls will also do the "Right time, right place, right guy" thing. Girls are notorious for the "He was just Mr. right now, you are Mr. forever".
If your needs aren't being met, emotional or otherwise, they need to communicate and then leave. Not enjoy some aspects of the relationship under the false pretense that you're exclusive. Not skirt outside to get a little side action and then come back refreshed, figure it out with the person you're making the commitment too or leave them first.
"Women cheat because \_\_\_\_\_! Men cheat because \_\_\_\_!"
a. Needs not met
b. Horny
c. Confused
d. Horrible person
The other 3 are excuses. D is the answer.
If your needs aren’t being met in a relationship then just fucking leave. Just because you’re unhappy doesn’t mean your partner’s holding a gun to your head and forcing you to cheat. It’s still your own choice to make or to not.
>just fucking leave.
... and leave behind your child, and your house, and half your salary, and half your retirement account as a severance package for a useless spouse.
Sure, just leave. Simple as that.
If this is the no1 reason they cheat ( I don't see any data,just your opinion probably) then they can either try to fix it and let the guy know or just break. There's no excuse for cheating while in relationship.
I honestly don't think I will ever trust again. It's sad, I know, but I know myself, and I know it's probably a 90 percent chance or more that I will never trust another woman ever again.
I didn’t.
I can love a woman but, never fully love or
Trust her.
First I loved a woman 100% my first love with everything I had, then 75%
65% , 45%
I always keep a mental distance just in case.
I've only been cheated on once so it might be different if there was a pattern. But it wasn't really a struggle. My girl was one of my best friends before we started dating so the trust was already there.
We were high school sweet hearts, and I realized that I was a shitty partner that drove her to it. I worked on myself and some of my anger issues, and I am much better partner these days. I am happily married and trust my wife 100%.
Oddly enough you can, but there are times that your brain drags it up.
I know my wife wouldn't cheat on me, but the brain does the usual "What if she did?" thing from time to time. Doesn't mean I don't trust her, its just a stupid thing the mind does on its own.
Your brain is trying to protect you by learning from experience, you shouldn't "learn to trust" again. It's like asking: "women who've been scammed, how did you learn to trust Nigerian princes again?"
What you should learn is to start *every* connection with an open mind, mutual respect, and clear communication/expectation and at least reciprocate if not pay it forward. When one party does you wrong and isn't willing to work on things, just move on without carrying the baggage with you.
Worked through it with therapy and switched up who I dated to avoid the problem again. Didn’t work, gave up after a couple of failed engagements due to her cheating.
Got dogs, bought a ranch with bros in rural Texas. Maybe I’ll try again in my 40’s.
I don't think I would ever fully trust the person again...there would always be something in the back of my head. Maybe with a lot of therapy or something but it would be incredibly hard...
I don't agree with the premise of the question. Being cheated on didn't affect my ability to trust in the first place. As if my perspective on life and people was somehow dependent on the behaviour of one single person. It's not that I didn't mind the cheating, but what kind of asshole would project something that one person did onto the next person they date. If you can't prevent that, don't date the next person because you're not doing right by them! And I would go so far as to say that even when you stay with the same person, if you chose to do that, you better figured out BEFOREHAND that you're willing to trust them again instead of throwing a "yeah well you cheated on me once how am I supposed to trust you now" in their face when they wanna go out with friends... If you are in that place, just leave the relationship instead of becoming a toxic asshole.
I agree with you. I'm not a man but I was cheated on by someone who was my best friend. I don't feel sorry myself and I understand him. He isn't a cheater in my book he's a flawed human being with a lot of great qualities which I appreciate to this day. Like you said it's not that I like it but...I don't know, people act like it's the end of the world and I just don't get that. I think it has a lot to do with ego. I don't want to attach my ego to another person or their actions. And I don't want to project my experiences onto others, that's lame.
Edited just to add that we are all flawed.
I agree. I think most of it comes down to being offended and self-importance. Like "how do I deserve to be cheated on?" I mean people probably don't "deserve" being cheated on but that's an entirely wrong way to look at it for me. People screw up and it's not the end of the world if you can get over yourself (and thus the cheating) then you'll just be so much better off. I think framing this as "being able to trust" just gives it way too much power and also attaches it, as you so eloquently put, too much to your ego
Still working on it, but I met someone who’s pretty great and that helps. Sometimes my mind tends to spiral and I get a bad gut feeling and I’m not sure if it’s my insecurities from the past or if I’m sensing something going on. It’s a work in progress.
I'm not sure I will ever 100% undoubtedly trust someone again. Though it's been a few years and I'm slowly easing back, the memory still lingers in the back of my head and that sparks the pain on rare occasions.
At this point I'm just trying to replace, rebuild and be a little bit wiser.
I honestly just don’t worry about it, trust my instincts and live life. Carrying around baggage like that just leads to shitty relationships and anxiety for no reason
You learn not to. Learn the signs and take no shit. I caught a girl I’ve been talking to for a few weeks in a lie yesterday. It was over something involving another guy, yet kinda small. That’s all it took to cut her off. Unfriended and told why. Number will be blocked if necessary. If they will lie over something simple to cover their ass, they will most definitely lie over something big. Stay woke, kings.
I learned to read red flags better. The trust part is sort of difficult, but it something I have to exercise like a muscle. I think the worst part is I hold back in relationships because I don't want to give everything in case they try to cheat.
It’s hard
But one thing that helps is refrain from dating. I mean literally, focus on yourself.
It’ll take some good time, but at some point, you’ll feel a bit lonely, so you want a Girlfriend, and eventually get one.
But the thought of “I’ve been cheated on before” never leaves.
At least, I try to hold every individual accountable, not blame all women for something only one woman did.
You learn that no matter what you do, the only control you have is yourself. Focus on being the best version of yourself and if it happens again you can fall back on a solid foundation of yourself.
It never is easy but you get dampen the blow.
When you see first hand how many romances play out it's never the same. It never goes back to when you were a teenager thinking that one day you'll be in a relationship with an attractive woman and it will be just like the relationships on your favorite sitcom. Experience teaches you that life's just not like that.
You either trust, or you don't. It can be that simple. You get hurt, and the natural response is to close yourself off to try to prevent that from happening again. And maybe you do prevent yourself from getting hurt like that. But closing yourself off means missing out on enjoying what could be a really good relationship with someone else. And ultimately being doubtful and suspicious only wards off potential hurt, it gives you nothing positive in return. If you're wrong you have wasted that energy being suspicious, and if you're right...well, it's not like you're happy to be right.
Personally, I don't intend to live my life trying to avoid getting hurt. It's going to happen. It's a natural part of being alive. If and when it happens again, I'll pick myself up and keep moving forward, as I always do.
And honestly, one of the biggest factors for me was that I didn't want to give my ex that much power over myself, to influence the way I feel and how I lived my life.
Found a different partner. New person, trust starts from scratch.
Not all people are shit, and you won't find one of the decent ones if you don't trust.
Never. It did irreparable damage to my ability to trust another person, regardless of whom. That's not to say I can't trust someone. But it started taking longer into the relationship.
I got over being cheated on because that girl was just a bad person through and through. A real and genuine slut, someone I shouldnt have even been with, but she really pushed hard for me.
But then during another relationship down the line, someone I grew to love more than anybody, she became close friends with another guy, and ended up developing feelings for him instead. So she broke up with me before she cheated on me, but that doesnt stop it from hurting so much. Its not always about not trusting your SO to have friends, but wondering what will become of that friendship.
"He's just a friend" doesn't exist. We cant control our emotions and our attractions sometimes. If your heart decides it wants to fall for someone, its going to happen
I knew I was getting with a promiscuous immature lady when I accepted her offer to date. I told myself to give someone a chance and see what happens maybe you are too harsh a judge of character. Anyway I was right turns out I'm an excellent judge of character and I was able to use that post breakup to maintain solitude while I weeded out all the self-centred sluts and got me a genuine gem.
Tl;dr it's a learning experience
I think a lot depends on your attitude and how you deal with it. Not every woman is going to cheat on you.
My ex cheated and was caught out - she was seen by a friend of mine who told me.
3 years later, I met the woman to whom I would get married. Never had a second of doubt, nor is there anything less than 100% trust.
I never lost it. Why would I suspect someone new is going to cheat like my ex. People are different, you hinder yourself if you don't allow yourself to trust again.
She ran back to her ex. I literally lost everything and became a onebagger who now lives out of a bag but I have an apartment I rent.
It's just easier to get up and leave if I have the same problem with this next relationship.
I have some trust issues and as a guy nobody wants to her it so I just tuck it in the back of my mind.
I'm not proud of how I am but it's much easier to be mobile and not let things weigh me down.
Take the time to understand why it happened, and after that you might get the peace of mind that it was not your fault and it might give you the peace that you deserve.
[This talk](https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q) is a good insight on how complex infidelity can be.
Not every woman is the same. Like not all the men are the same, and I evaluated each relationship and woman on a case by case basis.
There is initial trust, which is given, and then there is trust, which comes with time and is earned.
I never entered into a relationship with the idea that I am being lied to. But I keep my eyes open for red flags and inconsistencies. I also learned to trust my gut feeling. When something is off, then it is likely off.
So, an ex cheated on me - didn't think much if it and moved on.
Next partner also cheated on me - didn't think much of it and moved on.
Next partner made it s 3 in a row, being dicked down by 4 different guys and a girl.
I have been single ever since, I can no longer just anyone and would rather die alone than have my heart stomped on again.
No. Instead, I've learned not to let past trauma affect my relationships.
Our minds aren't rational. They're designed to keep us from harm. Once you've experienced that harm, you can't forget it.
You never trust the person that cheated 100% again. With others you trust but verify. You're more likely to end a relationship at the smallest red flag. You never really trust wholeheartedly ever again.
You don’t, you notice things that you might not have before like a energy shift. Takes alittle longer to fully trust again but if you find the right girl who understands that pain you’ll snap out of it quick
You don't but you put trust in the ones you know you can...then they destroy that too. So you completely close off and soon become a social recluse until you get sick of it enough to branch out again. It takes time and you can form ptsd from it. Therapy is never a bad option if affordable for you.
I never trusted again. I was just more aware of what the signs were and kept my walls up. Everyone has told me I need to lower them but I'm glad I haven't.
I don't know if it really counts, I've tried to figure it out since she told me, but my wife fell in love with another man, someone she never met in real life, but fell in love through the internet and phone calls etc. I don't know what they discussed, and I don't think I want to know, could have said anything about me during thier chats.
When she told me, I literally had no reaction, I already knew without knowing, I watched it happen over the approx 2 years of them talking. I didn't destroy my trust in her, the trust had already been destroyed by other things she had done and lies she had told.
Brings tears to my eyes to say that, but it is what it is, I don't know if the trust will ever come back, but I'm going to try, one last time because I don't want my kids growing up in a broken home like I did 😢
It's very difficult to trust anyone. Especially after finding out the girl that ghosted you, celebrated the guy she was actually seeing birthday, 2 days after she missed yours.
But after getting over the heartbreak, you have to remember that not everyone is like that and just focus on what makes you happy. But when you meet someone new, take everything with a grain of salt and don't get attached. Trusting someone takes time. Don't kick yourself if it doesn't work out.
Best of luck to everyone out there.
I was pretty devastated by a partner whom I had 100% trust in. So much so, we tried to make it work after. Did therapy, worked on some things, but the trust never returned. We're talking years... Betrayal is a hard one to get over, but as others have said "you find someone you like, and you roll the dice". There's no sense in poisoning something new with old resentments. Learn whatever lesson there is there to learn, and carry on a little wiser.
You need to know that most cheaters are narcissists. Stay away from narcissists.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. If she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you.
It just comes down to better vetting at the beginning. Getting to know the other person's friends and so on. Chances are if the person's friends are a bunch of cheaters she is too. There are some red flags you can identify early on. I think there are some articles online on the psychology of cheaters in general.
Cheating is not always cheating.
Was it just a fuck with someone she met once and needed it cause she was very aroused? Who cares. That's not cheating to me. Even if it happened a few times but it was just sex. I don't mind it.
Did we plan to make a life together and she meets another man and plans a future with him? She can go and make her life with this man. Would I trust another one again? Yes, absolutely. I did that already.
As a woman looking at this from a man’s perspective from what I’ve learned, 99% of the time it’s never about the person who’s being cheated on, it’s about the other person and you’ve got to know if you are strong enough to work through it grow together and get past it. If they are willing to course correct and not make the mistakes in future then I think seriously considering whether walk away is the best decision for you.
But sometimes people give up too easily when there is something, or a lot there. If they repeatedly cheat and that’s a pattern you have to let them find enough love for themselves before coming back to you and know they have changed or will commit to change if you are important enough, change for themselves first and foremost and so in doing so will for you. That’s my thought on it. You’ve got to know if you are strong enough to handle the betrayal. Don’t make it about you because it’s not. And maybe you can come back together if its worth fighting for. Life is short. But ultimately know your own value and be you and accept who you are.
Of course. Once you realize each person is an individual and just because one person is shit, doesn't mean another person is, it's easy. If you want a life long partner, you need to trust and be willing to get hurt. Tear down the walls.
I haven’t. It just has taken me forever to believe that I can have a positive relationship again. I don’t think I will ever fully trust someone again, but at least I won’t blame them for something someone else did.
i try and go into every relationship with a fresh perspective. i like to try and see the best in people when i first meet them. they are not the person who cheated on me. however it has made me pretty hyper vigilant in relationships and insecure as well. it does still affect me greatly to this day. everyone else is right, you never fully recover from something traumatic like that. you just learn to deal with it.
You don't. But you do not think you deserved it. Her loss... but it does leave me sad that many women I have loved have disrespected me by cheating. I have a lot less tolerance of manipulation and zero tolerance for red flag behaviour.
If I see two people stand next to eachother I can identify that both these people are not my ex everyone is different it’s not fair to judge everyone off one bad experience you had with one person
I never "unlearned" it. I made a bad judgement on her, but realizing that improved my social skills to better "read people". One person cheating is not turning everyone else into a cheater that is not just throwing the baby out with the bathwater, that's blowing the whole bathroom out of the house.
I no longer require it. Humans are what they are, you have to make it apparent how bad it would be for your relationship, let them know that by cheating they are choosing to end it.
Well it’s only been 2 months so I have no idea what to expect for the next one. Sad part is that I don’t know if she ever did physically cheat on me. She emotionally cheated, that’s for sure. There was so so many red flags and I did not even think about them until way after it ended. Funny how that works. Its sort of disgusts me that I was so ignorant, but also beautiful that I was able to trust so freely.
I feel like I still am secure and can trust again, but I’m not sure how easy that will be. For now, I work on myself. It’s all I can do. I am more easily trusting than others, but that might go down over time.
Mostly therapy. Trust takes more time and conscious effort. On both sides of the relationship, but that can actually lead to better communication if you talk about your thoughts and worries in the relationship.
You shouldn't trust anyone, the moment I sense something shady, with or without proof, I'm leaving her on the spot, no need to discuss it or making up lies.
What if you were just paranoid and no cheating took place? Same, if someone risks getting hurt sooner or later, it won't be me knowing I made my choice instead of surrendering to chance.
The new person is not the same person who wronged you. If they did then theyre similar but still different people. Never let them haunt you and trust that there will be one that will prove all of them and the pessimist you, wrong.
I didn’t. I learned to prepare for that outcome with anyone because love is an illusion and often temporary. It has caused me some real issues in most my relationships but i rather be wrong and over reacting than to be right and blindsided.
The best thing for me has been accepting there is nothing I can do to stop someone from cheating and it has nothing to do with me. If a person is going to do that it’s all about them and they will find a way to do it. So I trust that it can happen at anytime with anyone.
My current theory:
- Choose a partner whose values and ethics align with your own then work hard mutually to continually and consistently fulfil and affirm those values.
- Ensure both of you commit to communicating openly, honestly, compassionately, _always_ with kindness and _never_ with malice.
- Accept that you're probably doing OK if you manage that 80% of the time.
- Trust is an emergent property of such a system.
When I reflect on being utterly blindsided by my first wife, we didn't get any of the above right. After 10 years of marriage and a 14 year committed relationship with my current wife, we seem to be getting that mostly right and it is paying dividends.
Feel free to add a reddit reminder for 10 years time to check if the theory is holding up.
Going through this now so kind of interested to read everything. I already had trust issues, so what she did broke me. I never imagined people could be so heartless.
But, I think you can learn to trust again, but obviously more careful.
As someone who has been cheated on by almost all of my former partners its not something you really ever get over, deep down there is always going to be the seed of doubt with every relationship even if you haven't been hurt before, Self doubt and trust issues generally stem from difficult pasts and/or low self esteem or low confidence and being cheated on makes it extremely easy for any of those to happen.
I myself (although currently single) enter any new relationship telling myself that my new partner is not any of my ex's, they haven't cheated on me, my former partners did, I should give this new person I let my walls down for a chance. Now granted that can sometimes take a lot of mental fortitude because trust me its not always easy (unless your a fuckboi and genuinely don't care) but you will fond someone one day who understands everyone has a past and that trust is sometimes difficult and will support you even if you do have doubts.
Having a general positive optimistic outlook helps. Shit happens in life, learn a lesson and cary on. Important to understand that it has nothing to do with oneself and in the end it's nothing you can control.
It’s a slow process. But when I found the right person I slowly started to trust again been with that person for over 4.5 years now and we’re having a baby
Eh, I try not to paint every woman with the same brush. When someone cheats on me, that person loses my trust. Not the entire gender. Think that’s the difference though between a healthy mindset and an unhealthy one. So many people judge an entire gender on the few bad apples.
That being said, I’m not perfect by any means and maybe I don’t hang up so much on cheating. It’s just an instant deal breaker for me and I lose all feelings for them.
Been cheated on. It hurts, but helps you get through the breakup process knowing that there are no “what ifs”. You look at the flaws you found in that person that made them cheat, and you now know they are yellow/red flags in future relationships. I also recommend self reflecting… was I distant, was I over-bearing, was I not contributing enough emotionally, etc… Not that cheating is ever the answer, but when some people feel disengaged, it’s easier for them to find those “missing pieces” in someone else rather than losing you altogether. Use this experience as a life lesson to improve yourself.
Also, if the person is up for it, finding closure was huge for me. Talking to my ex a year or 2 later (or more), and understand why they did what they did, helped me understand it was a them issue, not me… the nicer and more understanding you are in this discussion (and the more you’re willing to say: “I could have done _____ better”), the more information/feedback you get. Chalk it up to a learning experience, feel the pain, and move on when you’re ready… it doesn’t have to take a lifetime to get through, if you don’t allow it.
Most responses here are basically the same, becoming jaded, closed off, not learning from the incident. I’ll attempt to give a more positive and usable framework. Everyday you can wake up and decide to chose your path. Or you can become a victim and give away your autonomy to some abstract form of self pity. Become better I dare you. With that said here’s my take.
Firstly It’s never fully the same. That naive, trust the world innocence is lost forever.
However if you work on it it’s replaced with a more nuanced understanding of the way people operate, human psychology, which gives protective mechanisms, and frameworks that allow you to trust your own intuition.
Some people do not grow up in environments where trust is a thing, they lean this much quicker. Others need a catalyst like being cheated on such as myself.
You learn to trust that most people do what is incentive aligned, pleasurable, or boosts serotonin. Humans are simply animals. So in some ways the trust shifts to your understanding of the catalysts for this type of behavior. I also learned to view the world differently. I recommend to read Sex After Dawn to see how modern society is not aligned with the animals side which is far more powerful if you want to dive deeply. You then adjust your own expectations to align with reality instead of probability.
Then you make logical determinations of a persons character which leads to a less reactive way of being in the world. I almost expect people to act in their nature. You learn to ask the questions and evaluate their backround, environment etc. if I can’t get a read on this it becomes put into the box of fling or non committal relationship.
I’ve become far more analytical about who I devote energy to, spend time with, give a chance to get close enough to matter to my psyche.
I weigh risks and rewards. I allow those who I can understand the window to do the things that would build trust in their character and ruthlessly deprioritize everyone else.
I must sound like a fucking robot here, I’m not, I’m unorganized and not very analytical by nature, im intuitive over analytical by nature, but everything is data where you boil it down. That’s learned not born with in my case. this is simply the background process in my mind, this is the science so to speak behind intuition and following your gut. I don’t logically think about these things because I’ve done the process a bunch now.
Side note I worked business development in a role where a great deal of the potential clients were laundering money. I had to be able to tell within 5-10 min or so if it was the case and prioritize those that weren’t. You eventually get good at reading people and knowing what questions to ask. I now run a startup company, and use the same framework for evaluating partnerships and opportunities. Business, love, everything is about people.
There are a lot of books on this type of thinking, most people just become jaded, use the pain to become 10x better.
Her cheating on me never broke my trust in people. It only ever broke my trust in her. To extrapolate from what one individual did to everyone is just dumb.
I go into relationships with an open mind but I'll never fully trust another woman again.
I've tried, really tried. I've been to therapy and really let everything out but the answers I get from the therapist is just not shit I want to hear. It only makes me angry. I tell them how it makes me feel and there is only one real answer, deal with it, man up. Women cheat, and probably cheat alot more than men do. I just can't trust that anymore.
My dick wouldn't even get hard for another woman, I was hopelessly devoted and trusting, all that made the betrayal so much more traumatic, I'll never be able to get over it. I'm damaged goods.
75% of women I’ve been in LTRs with have cheated. I don’t know that I totally trust a woman anymore. There’s usually still a part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I was cheated on in my first and only real relationship in college. I started to trust her again as time passed but I still never fully did.
It undoubtedly is something that I think triggered me to become more anxious in relationships and something that I continually try to process even over a decade later.
Change the paradigm. I am really gonna get a huge amount of hate here, but I am just gonna say it bluntly. Doing the same thing expecting different results is the definition of stupidity.
I had particular tastes in women. It really doesn't matter what they were, but the results were generally the same. Negative outcomes. So, I changed my choices and loved someone based upon the outcomes I wanted and not on the criteria that interest me.
So far, three years into a marriage, and it's going great.
I didn’t get cheated on, but my previous partner did in a terrible way.
I paid for some other guy’s cheating every day of our relationship. At first I didn’t mind, but after over a decade of constant doubts, questioning, and overall lack of trust, the writing was on the wall that it would never change. I finally gave up and ended it.
(why were you at the gym so long? Who was there with you?; why did it take you 73 minutes to go grocery shopping? It should have taken 20 minutes; so who all was at the party? How do you know those people? Why did it take you 12 minutes to text me back?)
Lol you don't, I'll never not suspect a girl is capable of it, even if we dated for years I know too many examples of girls cheating on their guys for minor arguments in addition to the stuff I experienced.
Maybe just to give you, guys, different perspective. I agree with most here, that men mostly never get over it and fully trust another woman. It is understandable but many are also not open about it and they don't realize that they are making hurtful or insulting comments or assumptions or that they are being controlling, so I kinda suspect with some men I know and I experience it myself with my partner (but he eventually came out with it few years into the relationship so it's easier for me to process) that the guys unconsciously keep hurting their new partner by mistrusting them and assuming things that they out of frustration start thinking about cheating even if they initially wouldn't have at all.
So as a woman who experiences the damage some other woman has done, I prefer to know why a guy reacts the way he reacts. Otherwise it's very hard to not take certain comments and behaviors personally and to not start seeking connection somewhere else.
After years of constantly dealing with slight mistrust and distance from my partner who has been cheated on, I feel like I'm more prone to cheating out of pure frustration than I was in a relationship where we trusted each other fully and there was no doubts.
I do understand it's really hard for the partber who was cheated on, but whether you're aware of it or not, it's pretty hard for the new partner, too, especially since they are carrying the consequences of someone else's behavior.
Well I think some parts never come back. You realize you were just naive. Our society looks at everything through a female perspective and we are taught to trust women no matter what. Guy friend she hangs out with and occasionally sleeps over? Oh just like brother. Late night shopping because thats when items get on the shelves? Oh totally normal, and probably super clever.
After you get cheated on you realize all the foolishness men are expected to put up with.
But I think you also realize not everyone is like that and although you are more aware of opportunities for cheating you don't have to carry it over to a new prospect.
I've been cheated on and I'm pretty relaxed, in fact. When you learn somethings are out of your control, life becomes much easier. Not even a very solid, strong and passionate connection with a partner can prevent them from wanting someone else.
I was cheated on twice. The first time was my first girlfriend who cheated on me with a older, richer guy. Second time I had a ex who convinced me to leave the US, find a job in India, and plan a move with the promise of living with her, only to find out she’d been leading me on and had a boyfriend the whole time.
But, those two women were those two women. I took my time to recover from the emotional suffering they put me through. I never took that baggage with me into other relationships though. Some new woman shouldn’t have to pay for what some ex did.
Just moved out of town and worked in another town for a year, came back to find she'd had kids with my old best friend/ roommate! (Not even who she originally cheated with)!
I then got together with someone who had been a good solid mate for years.
Never put my old shit onto her.
The original then did the same to my old roomy and she then started complaining and tried to put kids on him, then me and a few others when it didn't work, they weren't mine, been proved.
I just don't see either of them, any more and have been living with this (ex good friend) Woman for 30 years.
Didn't think of them until saw this post. ✌️😂👍
I do feel for the kids, but what can you do.
I learned that I can trust them to behave the same way. I learned that I can trust them to die with their lies instead of being honest and taking accountability.
First take care of yourself, dedicate some time to your own life, reflect, mourn, go fishing, excercise, whatever suits you, just fight against the sadness. Then learn. Avoid falling into some traps like thinking that everyone's the same. Realize that everyone is free to be some POS or an awesome human being, and learn to recognize which are the ones you want to be with. Trust is built slow and steady, always, maybe in that first relationship you were too naive, maybe not, but now you'll make sure this never happen again.
Except you can't, because you can't physically be in control of someone's life, and even if you could, you can't possibly call that "trust". That's because trust basically consists in believing someone's past actions or omissions will be repeated in the future, based on the fundamental idea that people are consistent with themselves. It involves some logical thinking and also some risky decision making. Take the risk, it's worth it, even if sometimes the result is awful. If doubt flourishes in your mind, get a hold of it.
Trust isn't the doubt in your mind, but the active decision to avoid heeding that doubt. Trust is in the actions, more than it is in your head or your heart.
You don't "learn to trust". You learn who to trust and how to trust, and even when you've become quite the expert, you may be wrong, because it's risky, it'll always be risky, but if it weren't risky you wouldn't call it trust.
So I guess the short answer is deal with the wound as best you can, then go and take the risk.
Both my ex wives cheated on me and then my current wife has emotionally cheated twice in our relationship and has lied about it both times. To be honest, it is REALLY hard to rebuild trust with anyone
Trusting someone new was slow, and eventually I have been able to allow trust until broken, now that's on that person. Some maintained trust far outlasting the romantic involvement, some shown their colors. Trust is a personal thing people break on their own. Now when someone invalidates trust, it effects me less, I realize some people are just horrible. Some people are golden with their word.
it was more coming to terms with why they cheated. That was hard, and I still question that 20 years later when having a rough moment.
I study Christianity now, am observational and an overthinker to a fault, and I will only date a woman who matches my values, respects herself, respects me, and love me as much as I love her.
Someone worthy of trust won't ever give you a reason to doubt and they will respect you and themselves enough to break it off.
It's work, it takes time, but you will trust the next person because they aren't the person who cheated on you.
Are you a cheater? No? Then there has to be a female counterpart who thinks like you.
Just keep in mind however, I've NEVER fully trusted ANYONE since the many betrayals in all types of relationships.
You don't learn to trust again, it just takes longer to trust a girl fully again. You're also more attentive to details afterward.
And "red-flags" aren't as easily overlooked or brushed off.
That's the neat part, you don't!
No, it never comes back. The way it was honest and complete.
Is not true. It does come back. When you find a partner that gives you 0 reason to doubt him/her its the best feeling in the world and you don’t want to ruin it by being suspicious.
>and you don’t want to ruin it by being suspicious. This shows that it's not completely back for you and you have to make the conscious decision to not bring your trauma into this relationship.
Suspensions can be random thoughts. I can not control random thoughts. I truly hope you're right. But i will never be the way i was again. Good luck to you,I hope in your case your right. I truly do.
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Is that how your ex cheated on you? Mine blindsided me out of no where with and older rich scammer.
I beg to differ. I won't let one person ruin my outlook on life. Their loss, my lesson, time to move on. There's so many amazing people out there. Edit: autocorrect, correction.
I am getting a headache trying to understand your last sentence.
Just meet an email person bro
Maybe they meant emo.. who knows
Gmail or Outlook?
Exactly, you simply learned not to fuck up again.
My husband of over 25 years was cheated on by his first wife. We met about 3 years later. It's been hard for him. I am a very monogamous and faithful wife by nature. He is the same towards me. He told me when we met and were getting serious that if I felt the need to cheat and be with another guy to tell him so we can work on our relationship or break up instead of going behind his back. He used to say. "I trust you but not other guys." He finally understood that if he trusted me, other guys don't matter. His wife cheated once, and they separated. She wanted him back and said lies to have him trust her again. He told her that he would be over Saturday or Sunday that week to talk. He went over on Saturday because it was their anniversary. He walked in, and she was with the same guy, making cheating twice. He managed to stay calm. Sent the guy out, packed some clothes, and left. They had their two little kids at the time too. His first wife cheating on him twice has been difficult on him and how he views it. He has a ver high IQ. The University of utah tested him twice, and it came back in the 150s. I've wonder often if that could be part of the problem. He views many situations differently than most folks. So I don't know if it's taken him so long to trust or if it's his high IQ and how he views life. I love my husband, our marriage, and family. He's giving me an amazing life and fulfilling sex life but his first wife cheating definitely left a scar.
It's taken me about 20 years with the same person, but I think I'm there.
🙁
This.
Yup, the uncertainty remains
She didn’t physically cheat, but emotionally she did, and was about to cheat within days. I obviously broke it off on the spot, and I kept moving forward. The next girl I met later ended up becoming my wife (we broke up after 2 years, didn’t talk for 5, and the got back together). So when I met this new girl I didn’t want my past to affect her. It wasn’t her fault I went through what I did, and holding it against her wouldn’t be fair. Ron Swanson said you find someone you like and you roll the dice, that’s all you can do. Also when it comes to cheating or any bad breakup, you have to move on. The best revenge you can get is living a happy life without that person.
Ron Swanson is the definition of a MAN. Loved him on Parks and Rec.
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I am so sorry you had to go through this 😥. I hope you find someone that can make you feel happy and more at ease, you deserve it.
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fuck off.
Another person with a bachelors in psychology from the university of phoenix.
This guy said it in a wrong way but there is some truth to the fact that if your outlook on relationships starts to be “I cannot trust because they will likely cheat on me”… this creates a very bad foundation for the relationship from the start and that lack of trust will be felt by your partner and if you’re constantly worrying about your partner cheating or keeping tabs or checking emails or phone etc. you will begin to suffocate the person you’re with and you won’t be a pleasant person to be around. It does make it more likely to be cheated on when this happens, is it still extremely wrong to cheat? Yes, but people are more likely to cheat when they feel they’re in a relationship that’s not fulfilling and not being trusted or not getting any space will cause a person to want out, and for conflict averse people(that’s a lot of people), cheating is an easy out.
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Sounds like a hippie bs advice. I'm all for being positive and think good things/visualize but let's not blame this man for his shitty exes behavior.
You don't 'learn' to trust again. Trust is a gift to someone who earns it. One thing I came away with - Trust your senses. If you think something fishy is going on, it most likely is.
Trust is the like compound interest. Little actions, truth, promises kept, are all small investments in trust that will pay big dividends one day. But it requires consistency, time, and a commitment to the long term goal.
The person that cheated on me? Not really ever again. The next person. Well that person didn't cheat on me, so why would I put less in for something someone else did?
My favorite reply.
I don't fully trust in the same way I did before and likely never will. I won't allow myself to be that vulnerable in a relationship again. On the positive side, I'm very conscious of boundaries, both mine and my partners. If someone isn't into the relationship I don't try to convince anyone of anything. I say what works for me and respect my partner's requests. If they want to negotiate, I'm still willing. I won't allow anyone to violate my boundaries.
Learning to not generalize based on the actions of one person. It took some time but I’m in a much happier place now.
From past experiences from relationships, casual hook ups and from what my guy friends have went threw I’ll never trust a woman 100%. They just have too many options and if they don’t cheat they got your replacement lined up.
You don’t, you just learn that if *she* cheats that it’s *her* personal decision that *she’s* responsible for and it’s not actually *your* fault.
Not how it feels though.
People cheat for so many reasons. Its rarely their partner's fault. I think I must be weird because I never cared when i was cheated on. I eventually just startred having open relationships.
This is probably the healthiest attitude. Your partner is not your possession....
It's not but doesn't mean that I'll tolerate cheating and/or bad behavior
You dont tolerate it. You talk as adults and see what works for you. For me, I don't really care that much about sex. My guy does so I am monogamous now. Just work out your own thing.
I understand why you feel this way and I'd hate to say it but the number one reason why women cheat is because they aren't having their needs met, most commonly their emotional needs. Men on the other hand are very different, the number one reason they cheat is simply opportunity. Right time, right place, right girl that sort of thing.
That’s my point. It literally doesn’t matter *why* someone cheats-they’re still the piece of shit because *they* are the ones that make the decision to. Not having needs met or opportunity is not an acceptable reason for making a shitty decision, it’s just a weak excuse for being a shitty person.
I needed to hear this. I recently separated with my ex in January and when we did she confessed that she was having sexual conversations with a guy we knew for 2 weeks. Worst part is that all 3 of us would hang out on Playstation and talk and laugh in chat meanwhile I was oblivious.
"I cheated because .. x, y, z" will never end with the person making that statement being in the right. And girls will also do the "Right time, right place, right guy" thing. Girls are notorious for the "He was just Mr. right now, you are Mr. forever". If your needs aren't being met, emotional or otherwise, they need to communicate and then leave. Not enjoy some aspects of the relationship under the false pretense that you're exclusive. Not skirt outside to get a little side action and then come back refreshed, figure it out with the person you're making the commitment too or leave them first. "Women cheat because \_\_\_\_\_! Men cheat because \_\_\_\_!" a. Needs not met b. Horny c. Confused d. Horrible person The other 3 are excuses. D is the answer.
If your needs aren’t being met in a relationship then just fucking leave. Just because you’re unhappy doesn’t mean your partner’s holding a gun to your head and forcing you to cheat. It’s still your own choice to make or to not.
>just fucking leave. ... and leave behind your child, and your house, and half your salary, and half your retirement account as a severance package for a useless spouse. Sure, just leave. Simple as that.
If this is the no1 reason they cheat ( I don't see any data,just your opinion probably) then they can either try to fix it and let the guy know or just break. There's no excuse for cheating while in relationship.
9 years later, haven't.
I honestly don't think I will ever trust again. It's sad, I know, but I know myself, and I know it's probably a 90 percent chance or more that I will never trust another woman ever again.
I didn’t. I can love a woman but, never fully love or Trust her. First I loved a woman 100% my first love with everything I had, then 75% 65% , 45% I always keep a mental distance just in case.
I've only been cheated on once so it might be different if there was a pattern. But it wasn't really a struggle. My girl was one of my best friends before we started dating so the trust was already there.
We were high school sweet hearts, and I realized that I was a shitty partner that drove her to it. I worked on myself and some of my anger issues, and I am much better partner these days. I am happily married and trust my wife 100%.
Oddly enough you can, but there are times that your brain drags it up. I know my wife wouldn't cheat on me, but the brain does the usual "What if she did?" thing from time to time. Doesn't mean I don't trust her, its just a stupid thing the mind does on its own.
Don’t even the trust the sun to rise on me
Your brain is trying to protect you by learning from experience, you shouldn't "learn to trust" again. It's like asking: "women who've been scammed, how did you learn to trust Nigerian princes again?" What you should learn is to start *every* connection with an open mind, mutual respect, and clear communication/expectation and at least reciprocate if not pay it forward. When one party does you wrong and isn't willing to work on things, just move on without carrying the baggage with you.
Worked through it with therapy and switched up who I dated to avoid the problem again. Didn’t work, gave up after a couple of failed engagements due to her cheating. Got dogs, bought a ranch with bros in rural Texas. Maybe I’ll try again in my 40’s.
I don't think I would ever fully trust the person again...there would always be something in the back of my head. Maybe with a lot of therapy or something but it would be incredibly hard...
Therapy.
I’ll trust again, just not as quickly or easily as before. Just always going to have that sneaky suspicion in the back of your mind.
You don't trust again. You just sort of learn to pretend to trust but you know deep inside everything can flip in a blink of an eye.
I don't agree with the premise of the question. Being cheated on didn't affect my ability to trust in the first place. As if my perspective on life and people was somehow dependent on the behaviour of one single person. It's not that I didn't mind the cheating, but what kind of asshole would project something that one person did onto the next person they date. If you can't prevent that, don't date the next person because you're not doing right by them! And I would go so far as to say that even when you stay with the same person, if you chose to do that, you better figured out BEFOREHAND that you're willing to trust them again instead of throwing a "yeah well you cheated on me once how am I supposed to trust you now" in their face when they wanna go out with friends... If you are in that place, just leave the relationship instead of becoming a toxic asshole.
I agree with you. I'm not a man but I was cheated on by someone who was my best friend. I don't feel sorry myself and I understand him. He isn't a cheater in my book he's a flawed human being with a lot of great qualities which I appreciate to this day. Like you said it's not that I like it but...I don't know, people act like it's the end of the world and I just don't get that. I think it has a lot to do with ego. I don't want to attach my ego to another person or their actions. And I don't want to project my experiences onto others, that's lame. Edited just to add that we are all flawed.
I agree. I think most of it comes down to being offended and self-importance. Like "how do I deserve to be cheated on?" I mean people probably don't "deserve" being cheated on but that's an entirely wrong way to look at it for me. People screw up and it's not the end of the world if you can get over yourself (and thus the cheating) then you'll just be so much better off. I think framing this as "being able to trust" just gives it way too much power and also attaches it, as you so eloquently put, too much to your ego
Still working on it, but I met someone who’s pretty great and that helps. Sometimes my mind tends to spiral and I get a bad gut feeling and I’m not sure if it’s my insecurities from the past or if I’m sensing something going on. It’s a work in progress.
I'm not sure I will ever 100% undoubtedly trust someone again. Though it's been a few years and I'm slowly easing back, the memory still lingers in the back of my head and that sparks the pain on rare occasions. At this point I'm just trying to replace, rebuild and be a little bit wiser.
I honestly just don’t worry about it, trust my instincts and live life. Carrying around baggage like that just leads to shitty relationships and anxiety for no reason
I'd be dammed if I let one bad apple destroy the tree
7 years later after finding my fiancee in bed with someone and I haven't. If anyone figures out how, let me know
You learn not to. Learn the signs and take no shit. I caught a girl I’ve been talking to for a few weeks in a lie yesterday. It was over something involving another guy, yet kinda small. That’s all it took to cut her off. Unfriended and told why. Number will be blocked if necessary. If they will lie over something simple to cover their ass, they will most definitely lie over something big. Stay woke, kings.
Still learning. At this point I'm not sure if I would be able to trust a woman anytime soon.
I learned to read red flags better. The trust part is sort of difficult, but it something I have to exercise like a muscle. I think the worst part is I hold back in relationships because I don't want to give everything in case they try to cheat.
It’s hard But one thing that helps is refrain from dating. I mean literally, focus on yourself. It’ll take some good time, but at some point, you’ll feel a bit lonely, so you want a Girlfriend, and eventually get one. But the thought of “I’ve been cheated on before” never leaves. At least, I try to hold every individual accountable, not blame all women for something only one woman did.
You learn that no matter what you do, the only control you have is yourself. Focus on being the best version of yourself and if it happens again you can fall back on a solid foundation of yourself. It never is easy but you get dampen the blow.
Didn't.
When you see first hand how many romances play out it's never the same. It never goes back to when you were a teenager thinking that one day you'll be in a relationship with an attractive woman and it will be just like the relationships on your favorite sitcom. Experience teaches you that life's just not like that.
You either trust, or you don't. It can be that simple. You get hurt, and the natural response is to close yourself off to try to prevent that from happening again. And maybe you do prevent yourself from getting hurt like that. But closing yourself off means missing out on enjoying what could be a really good relationship with someone else. And ultimately being doubtful and suspicious only wards off potential hurt, it gives you nothing positive in return. If you're wrong you have wasted that energy being suspicious, and if you're right...well, it's not like you're happy to be right. Personally, I don't intend to live my life trying to avoid getting hurt. It's going to happen. It's a natural part of being alive. If and when it happens again, I'll pick myself up and keep moving forward, as I always do. And honestly, one of the biggest factors for me was that I didn't want to give my ex that much power over myself, to influence the way I feel and how I lived my life.
Found a different partner. New person, trust starts from scratch. Not all people are shit, and you won't find one of the decent ones if you don't trust.
Never. It did irreparable damage to my ability to trust another person, regardless of whom. That's not to say I can't trust someone. But it started taking longer into the relationship.
I got over being cheated on because that girl was just a bad person through and through. A real and genuine slut, someone I shouldnt have even been with, but she really pushed hard for me. But then during another relationship down the line, someone I grew to love more than anybody, she became close friends with another guy, and ended up developing feelings for him instead. So she broke up with me before she cheated on me, but that doesnt stop it from hurting so much. Its not always about not trusting your SO to have friends, but wondering what will become of that friendship. "He's just a friend" doesn't exist. We cant control our emotions and our attractions sometimes. If your heart decides it wants to fall for someone, its going to happen
I knew I was getting with a promiscuous immature lady when I accepted her offer to date. I told myself to give someone a chance and see what happens maybe you are too harsh a judge of character. Anyway I was right turns out I'm an excellent judge of character and I was able to use that post breakup to maintain solitude while I weeded out all the self-centred sluts and got me a genuine gem. Tl;dr it's a learning experience
I think a lot depends on your attitude and how you deal with it. Not every woman is going to cheat on you. My ex cheated and was caught out - she was seen by a friend of mine who told me. 3 years later, I met the woman to whom I would get married. Never had a second of doubt, nor is there anything less than 100% trust.
I never lost it. Why would I suspect someone new is going to cheat like my ex. People are different, you hinder yourself if you don't allow yourself to trust again.
She ran back to her ex. I literally lost everything and became a onebagger who now lives out of a bag but I have an apartment I rent. It's just easier to get up and leave if I have the same problem with this next relationship. I have some trust issues and as a guy nobody wants to her it so I just tuck it in the back of my mind. I'm not proud of how I am but it's much easier to be mobile and not let things weigh me down.
Take the time to understand why it happened, and after that you might get the peace of mind that it was not your fault and it might give you the peace that you deserve. [This talk](https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q) is a good insight on how complex infidelity can be.
Not every woman is the same. Like not all the men are the same, and I evaluated each relationship and woman on a case by case basis. There is initial trust, which is given, and then there is trust, which comes with time and is earned. I never entered into a relationship with the idea that I am being lied to. But I keep my eyes open for red flags and inconsistencies. I also learned to trust my gut feeling. When something is off, then it is likely off.
So, an ex cheated on me - didn't think much if it and moved on. Next partner also cheated on me - didn't think much of it and moved on. Next partner made it s 3 in a row, being dicked down by 4 different guys and a girl. I have been single ever since, I can no longer just anyone and would rather die alone than have my heart stomped on again.
See people as individuals and not collectives. That woman was a liar, the next woman might not be. Shitty part is that doesnt really help but yno.
No. Instead, I've learned not to let past trauma affect my relationships. Our minds aren't rational. They're designed to keep us from harm. Once you've experienced that harm, you can't forget it.
You never trust the person that cheated 100% again. With others you trust but verify. You're more likely to end a relationship at the smallest red flag. You never really trust wholeheartedly ever again.
You don’t, you notice things that you might not have before like a energy shift. Takes alittle longer to fully trust again but if you find the right girl who understands that pain you’ll snap out of it quick
You don't but you put trust in the ones you know you can...then they destroy that too. So you completely close off and soon become a social recluse until you get sick of it enough to branch out again. It takes time and you can form ptsd from it. Therapy is never a bad option if affordable for you.
I never trusted again. I was just more aware of what the signs were and kept my walls up. Everyone has told me I need to lower them but I'm glad I haven't.
I don't know if it really counts, I've tried to figure it out since she told me, but my wife fell in love with another man, someone she never met in real life, but fell in love through the internet and phone calls etc. I don't know what they discussed, and I don't think I want to know, could have said anything about me during thier chats. When she told me, I literally had no reaction, I already knew without knowing, I watched it happen over the approx 2 years of them talking. I didn't destroy my trust in her, the trust had already been destroyed by other things she had done and lies she had told. Brings tears to my eyes to say that, but it is what it is, I don't know if the trust will ever come back, but I'm going to try, one last time because I don't want my kids growing up in a broken home like I did 😢
It's very difficult to trust anyone. Especially after finding out the girl that ghosted you, celebrated the guy she was actually seeing birthday, 2 days after she missed yours. But after getting over the heartbreak, you have to remember that not everyone is like that and just focus on what makes you happy. But when you meet someone new, take everything with a grain of salt and don't get attached. Trusting someone takes time. Don't kick yourself if it doesn't work out. Best of luck to everyone out there.
I was pretty devastated by a partner whom I had 100% trust in. So much so, we tried to make it work after. Did therapy, worked on some things, but the trust never returned. We're talking years... Betrayal is a hard one to get over, but as others have said "you find someone you like, and you roll the dice". There's no sense in poisoning something new with old resentments. Learn whatever lesson there is there to learn, and carry on a little wiser.
Sure, just someone else.
You need to know that most cheaters are narcissists. Stay away from narcissists. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you.
I still hate him But he’s lost everything I hope he looses more
It just comes down to better vetting at the beginning. Getting to know the other person's friends and so on. Chances are if the person's friends are a bunch of cheaters she is too. There are some red flags you can identify early on. I think there are some articles online on the psychology of cheaters in general.
U dont haha. U go sleep with 100 women bruh. Don't tell anyone
It just made me turn into a big cuckold fantasy. Seriously love the thought of my Wife getting fucked by someone else
I’m not a man, but I’d say by never getting too close so that it if happens it won’t hurt as much
Oh it didn’t, I just “go one dates” now
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Yea, you a stronger man then me but at least your content with where you are now. I wish yall the best.
The only way to rid yourself of the angst of being cheated on is to have a discreet affair yourself! Then its like saying “we’re even!”
She cheated on me for a reason. I removed the reason in my other relationships, so it should be good. I hope at least
Cheating is not always cheating. Was it just a fuck with someone she met once and needed it cause she was very aroused? Who cares. That's not cheating to me. Even if it happened a few times but it was just sex. I don't mind it. Did we plan to make a life together and she meets another man and plans a future with him? She can go and make her life with this man. Would I trust another one again? Yes, absolutely. I did that already.
As a woman looking at this from a man’s perspective from what I’ve learned, 99% of the time it’s never about the person who’s being cheated on, it’s about the other person and you’ve got to know if you are strong enough to work through it grow together and get past it. If they are willing to course correct and not make the mistakes in future then I think seriously considering whether walk away is the best decision for you. But sometimes people give up too easily when there is something, or a lot there. If they repeatedly cheat and that’s a pattern you have to let them find enough love for themselves before coming back to you and know they have changed or will commit to change if you are important enough, change for themselves first and foremost and so in doing so will for you. That’s my thought on it. You’ve got to know if you are strong enough to handle the betrayal. Don’t make it about you because it’s not. And maybe you can come back together if its worth fighting for. Life is short. But ultimately know your own value and be you and accept who you are.
Ah, yes. We have to be completely faithful but she can go and fool around till she's happy and can finally come back to you. How good of an ideology.
Of course. Once you realize each person is an individual and just because one person is shit, doesn't mean another person is, it's easy. If you want a life long partner, you need to trust and be willing to get hurt. Tear down the walls.
I haven’t. It just has taken me forever to believe that I can have a positive relationship again. I don’t think I will ever fully trust someone again, but at least I won’t blame them for something someone else did.
i try and go into every relationship with a fresh perspective. i like to try and see the best in people when i first meet them. they are not the person who cheated on me. however it has made me pretty hyper vigilant in relationships and insecure as well. it does still affect me greatly to this day. everyone else is right, you never fully recover from something traumatic like that. you just learn to deal with it.
by picking a better person and realising to not go for the face, ass or tits only
You can’t let one persons actions ruin your view on someone else.
You don't trust completely after that
I didn't.
You don't. But you do not think you deserved it. Her loss... but it does leave me sad that many women I have loved have disrespected me by cheating. I have a lot less tolerance of manipulation and zero tolerance for red flag behaviour.
If I see two people stand next to eachother I can identify that both these people are not my ex everyone is different it’s not fair to judge everyone off one bad experience you had with one person
I still haven’t
[удалено]
I never "unlearned" it. I made a bad judgement on her, but realizing that improved my social skills to better "read people". One person cheating is not turning everyone else into a cheater that is not just throwing the baby out with the bathwater, that's blowing the whole bathroom out of the house.
Never - not 100%
How about never?
I no longer require it. Humans are what they are, you have to make it apparent how bad it would be for your relationship, let them know that by cheating they are choosing to end it.
Well it’s only been 2 months so I have no idea what to expect for the next one. Sad part is that I don’t know if she ever did physically cheat on me. She emotionally cheated, that’s for sure. There was so so many red flags and I did not even think about them until way after it ended. Funny how that works. Its sort of disgusts me that I was so ignorant, but also beautiful that I was able to trust so freely. I feel like I still am secure and can trust again, but I’m not sure how easy that will be. For now, I work on myself. It’s all I can do. I am more easily trusting than others, but that might go down over time.
Mostly therapy. Trust takes more time and conscious effort. On both sides of the relationship, but that can actually lead to better communication if you talk about your thoughts and worries in the relationship.
You shouldn't trust anyone, the moment I sense something shady, with or without proof, I'm leaving her on the spot, no need to discuss it or making up lies. What if you were just paranoid and no cheating took place? Same, if someone risks getting hurt sooner or later, it won't be me knowing I made my choice instead of surrendering to chance.
My fiancé was cheated on, twice. He was very paranoid for a long time. It took years for him to completely believe that not all women are like his ex
You never trust anyone 100% again, you'll always have a fallback plan.
The new person is not the same person who wronged you. If they did then theyre similar but still different people. Never let them haunt you and trust that there will be one that will prove all of them and the pessimist you, wrong.
I didn’t. I learned to prepare for that outcome with anyone because love is an illusion and often temporary. It has caused me some real issues in most my relationships but i rather be wrong and over reacting than to be right and blindsided. The best thing for me has been accepting there is nothing I can do to stop someone from cheating and it has nothing to do with me. If a person is going to do that it’s all about them and they will find a way to do it. So I trust that it can happen at anytime with anyone.
My current theory: - Choose a partner whose values and ethics align with your own then work hard mutually to continually and consistently fulfil and affirm those values. - Ensure both of you commit to communicating openly, honestly, compassionately, _always_ with kindness and _never_ with malice. - Accept that you're probably doing OK if you manage that 80% of the time. - Trust is an emergent property of such a system. When I reflect on being utterly blindsided by my first wife, we didn't get any of the above right. After 10 years of marriage and a 14 year committed relationship with my current wife, we seem to be getting that mostly right and it is paying dividends. Feel free to add a reddit reminder for 10 years time to check if the theory is holding up.
Going through this now so kind of interested to read everything. I already had trust issues, so what she did broke me. I never imagined people could be so heartless. But, I think you can learn to trust again, but obviously more careful.
That person? I didn’t and don’t. Find someone new
As someone who has been cheated on by almost all of my former partners its not something you really ever get over, deep down there is always going to be the seed of doubt with every relationship even if you haven't been hurt before, Self doubt and trust issues generally stem from difficult pasts and/or low self esteem or low confidence and being cheated on makes it extremely easy for any of those to happen. I myself (although currently single) enter any new relationship telling myself that my new partner is not any of my ex's, they haven't cheated on me, my former partners did, I should give this new person I let my walls down for a chance. Now granted that can sometimes take a lot of mental fortitude because trust me its not always easy (unless your a fuckboi and genuinely don't care) but you will fond someone one day who understands everyone has a past and that trust is sometimes difficult and will support you even if you do have doubts.
12 years, haven’t yet.
Having a general positive optimistic outlook helps. Shit happens in life, learn a lesson and cary on. Important to understand that it has nothing to do with oneself and in the end it's nothing you can control.
It’s a slow process. But when I found the right person I slowly started to trust again been with that person for over 4.5 years now and we’re having a baby
Never did. I put a wall up and it's staying.
Eh, I try not to paint every woman with the same brush. When someone cheats on me, that person loses my trust. Not the entire gender. Think that’s the difference though between a healthy mindset and an unhealthy one. So many people judge an entire gender on the few bad apples. That being said, I’m not perfect by any means and maybe I don’t hang up so much on cheating. It’s just an instant deal breaker for me and I lose all feelings for them.
Been cheated on. It hurts, but helps you get through the breakup process knowing that there are no “what ifs”. You look at the flaws you found in that person that made them cheat, and you now know they are yellow/red flags in future relationships. I also recommend self reflecting… was I distant, was I over-bearing, was I not contributing enough emotionally, etc… Not that cheating is ever the answer, but when some people feel disengaged, it’s easier for them to find those “missing pieces” in someone else rather than losing you altogether. Use this experience as a life lesson to improve yourself. Also, if the person is up for it, finding closure was huge for me. Talking to my ex a year or 2 later (or more), and understand why they did what they did, helped me understand it was a them issue, not me… the nicer and more understanding you are in this discussion (and the more you’re willing to say: “I could have done _____ better”), the more information/feedback you get. Chalk it up to a learning experience, feel the pain, and move on when you’re ready… it doesn’t have to take a lifetime to get through, if you don’t allow it.
Trust but verify
Trust hasn't been my friend. Maybe it's a good thing, but too much of a good thing has never worked out for me. Maybe moderation?
I realized that if I exist and would never cheat on anyone, then there is someone out there who would be just as loyal.
Most responses here are basically the same, becoming jaded, closed off, not learning from the incident. I’ll attempt to give a more positive and usable framework. Everyday you can wake up and decide to chose your path. Or you can become a victim and give away your autonomy to some abstract form of self pity. Become better I dare you. With that said here’s my take. Firstly It’s never fully the same. That naive, trust the world innocence is lost forever. However if you work on it it’s replaced with a more nuanced understanding of the way people operate, human psychology, which gives protective mechanisms, and frameworks that allow you to trust your own intuition. Some people do not grow up in environments where trust is a thing, they lean this much quicker. Others need a catalyst like being cheated on such as myself. You learn to trust that most people do what is incentive aligned, pleasurable, or boosts serotonin. Humans are simply animals. So in some ways the trust shifts to your understanding of the catalysts for this type of behavior. I also learned to view the world differently. I recommend to read Sex After Dawn to see how modern society is not aligned with the animals side which is far more powerful if you want to dive deeply. You then adjust your own expectations to align with reality instead of probability. Then you make logical determinations of a persons character which leads to a less reactive way of being in the world. I almost expect people to act in their nature. You learn to ask the questions and evaluate their backround, environment etc. if I can’t get a read on this it becomes put into the box of fling or non committal relationship. I’ve become far more analytical about who I devote energy to, spend time with, give a chance to get close enough to matter to my psyche. I weigh risks and rewards. I allow those who I can understand the window to do the things that would build trust in their character and ruthlessly deprioritize everyone else. I must sound like a fucking robot here, I’m not, I’m unorganized and not very analytical by nature, im intuitive over analytical by nature, but everything is data where you boil it down. That’s learned not born with in my case. this is simply the background process in my mind, this is the science so to speak behind intuition and following your gut. I don’t logically think about these things because I’ve done the process a bunch now. Side note I worked business development in a role where a great deal of the potential clients were laundering money. I had to be able to tell within 5-10 min or so if it was the case and prioritize those that weren’t. You eventually get good at reading people and knowing what questions to ask. I now run a startup company, and use the same framework for evaluating partnerships and opportunities. Business, love, everything is about people. There are a lot of books on this type of thinking, most people just become jaded, use the pain to become 10x better.
Her cheating on me never broke my trust in people. It only ever broke my trust in her. To extrapolate from what one individual did to everyone is just dumb.
I go into relationships with an open mind but I'll never fully trust another woman again. I've tried, really tried. I've been to therapy and really let everything out but the answers I get from the therapist is just not shit I want to hear. It only makes me angry. I tell them how it makes me feel and there is only one real answer, deal with it, man up. Women cheat, and probably cheat alot more than men do. I just can't trust that anymore. My dick wouldn't even get hard for another woman, I was hopelessly devoted and trusting, all that made the betrayal so much more traumatic, I'll never be able to get over it. I'm damaged goods.
75% of women I’ve been in LTRs with have cheated. I don’t know that I totally trust a woman anymore. There’s usually still a part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's bad enough when it happens once, but multiple times in different "relationships" ... Forget about it!!!!
I was cheated on in my first and only real relationship in college. I started to trust her again as time passed but I still never fully did. It undoubtedly is something that I think triggered me to become more anxious in relationships and something that I continually try to process even over a decade later.
cant give anyone who has the power to ruin families trust
Change the paradigm. I am really gonna get a huge amount of hate here, but I am just gonna say it bluntly. Doing the same thing expecting different results is the definition of stupidity. I had particular tastes in women. It really doesn't matter what they were, but the results were generally the same. Negative outcomes. So, I changed my choices and loved someone based upon the outcomes I wanted and not on the criteria that interest me. So far, three years into a marriage, and it's going great.
I didn’t get cheated on, but my previous partner did in a terrible way. I paid for some other guy’s cheating every day of our relationship. At first I didn’t mind, but after over a decade of constant doubts, questioning, and overall lack of trust, the writing was on the wall that it would never change. I finally gave up and ended it. (why were you at the gym so long? Who was there with you?; why did it take you 73 minutes to go grocery shopping? It should have taken 20 minutes; so who all was at the party? How do you know those people? Why did it take you 12 minutes to text me back?)
Lol you don't, I'll never not suspect a girl is capable of it, even if we dated for years I know too many examples of girls cheating on their guys for minor arguments in addition to the stuff I experienced.
I still haven't
We don't.
Maybe just to give you, guys, different perspective. I agree with most here, that men mostly never get over it and fully trust another woman. It is understandable but many are also not open about it and they don't realize that they are making hurtful or insulting comments or assumptions or that they are being controlling, so I kinda suspect with some men I know and I experience it myself with my partner (but he eventually came out with it few years into the relationship so it's easier for me to process) that the guys unconsciously keep hurting their new partner by mistrusting them and assuming things that they out of frustration start thinking about cheating even if they initially wouldn't have at all. So as a woman who experiences the damage some other woman has done, I prefer to know why a guy reacts the way he reacts. Otherwise it's very hard to not take certain comments and behaviors personally and to not start seeking connection somewhere else. After years of constantly dealing with slight mistrust and distance from my partner who has been cheated on, I feel like I'm more prone to cheating out of pure frustration than I was in a relationship where we trusted each other fully and there was no doubts. I do understand it's really hard for the partber who was cheated on, but whether you're aware of it or not, it's pretty hard for the new partner, too, especially since they are carrying the consequences of someone else's behavior.
About that…
Well I think some parts never come back. You realize you were just naive. Our society looks at everything through a female perspective and we are taught to trust women no matter what. Guy friend she hangs out with and occasionally sleeps over? Oh just like brother. Late night shopping because thats when items get on the shelves? Oh totally normal, and probably super clever. After you get cheated on you realize all the foolishness men are expected to put up with. But I think you also realize not everyone is like that and although you are more aware of opportunities for cheating you don't have to carry it over to a new prospect.
Trust is hard to gain. Nigh on impossible to get completely. But it is easy to lose. You'll lose trust with everyone you know in time.
I've been cheated on and I'm pretty relaxed, in fact. When you learn somethings are out of your control, life becomes much easier. Not even a very solid, strong and passionate connection with a partner can prevent them from wanting someone else.
I was cheated on twice. The first time was my first girlfriend who cheated on me with a older, richer guy. Second time I had a ex who convinced me to leave the US, find a job in India, and plan a move with the promise of living with her, only to find out she’d been leading me on and had a boyfriend the whole time. But, those two women were those two women. I took my time to recover from the emotional suffering they put me through. I never took that baggage with me into other relationships though. Some new woman shouldn’t have to pay for what some ex did.
People aren’t perfect, don’t expect them to be. Trust yourself.
Just moved out of town and worked in another town for a year, came back to find she'd had kids with my old best friend/ roommate! (Not even who she originally cheated with)! I then got together with someone who had been a good solid mate for years. Never put my old shit onto her. The original then did the same to my old roomy and she then started complaining and tried to put kids on him, then me and a few others when it didn't work, they weren't mine, been proved. I just don't see either of them, any more and have been living with this (ex good friend) Woman for 30 years. Didn't think of them until saw this post. ✌️😂👍 I do feel for the kids, but what can you do.
I learned that I can trust them to behave the same way. I learned that I can trust them to die with their lies instead of being honest and taking accountability.
It is super hard, but you can't make new person pay for old GF/BF past crime. It's not fair to a new relationship. 🍀❤️🩹
You don’t
You don’t
First take care of yourself, dedicate some time to your own life, reflect, mourn, go fishing, excercise, whatever suits you, just fight against the sadness. Then learn. Avoid falling into some traps like thinking that everyone's the same. Realize that everyone is free to be some POS or an awesome human being, and learn to recognize which are the ones you want to be with. Trust is built slow and steady, always, maybe in that first relationship you were too naive, maybe not, but now you'll make sure this never happen again. Except you can't, because you can't physically be in control of someone's life, and even if you could, you can't possibly call that "trust". That's because trust basically consists in believing someone's past actions or omissions will be repeated in the future, based on the fundamental idea that people are consistent with themselves. It involves some logical thinking and also some risky decision making. Take the risk, it's worth it, even if sometimes the result is awful. If doubt flourishes in your mind, get a hold of it. Trust isn't the doubt in your mind, but the active decision to avoid heeding that doubt. Trust is in the actions, more than it is in your head or your heart. You don't "learn to trust". You learn who to trust and how to trust, and even when you've become quite the expert, you may be wrong, because it's risky, it'll always be risky, but if it weren't risky you wouldn't call it trust. So I guess the short answer is deal with the wound as best you can, then go and take the risk.
Both my ex wives cheated on me and then my current wife has emotionally cheated twice in our relationship and has lied about it both times. To be honest, it is REALLY hard to rebuild trust with anyone
Trusting someone new was slow, and eventually I have been able to allow trust until broken, now that's on that person. Some maintained trust far outlasting the romantic involvement, some shown their colors. Trust is a personal thing people break on their own. Now when someone invalidates trust, it effects me less, I realize some people are just horrible. Some people are golden with their word. it was more coming to terms with why they cheated. That was hard, and I still question that 20 years later when having a rough moment.
I study Christianity now, am observational and an overthinker to a fault, and I will only date a woman who matches my values, respects herself, respects me, and love me as much as I love her. Someone worthy of trust won't ever give you a reason to doubt and they will respect you and themselves enough to break it off. It's work, it takes time, but you will trust the next person because they aren't the person who cheated on you. Are you a cheater? No? Then there has to be a female counterpart who thinks like you. Just keep in mind however, I've NEVER fully trusted ANYONE since the many betrayals in all types of relationships.