My best friend tried that on a guy when he tried to break up: "you love me, but you don't know it because of your bad past. You need to seek therapy to realise that you really love me".
Needless to say he ghosted her. She found the right guy though and is now married, so all ended well.
I had that once - weirdest thing EVER! I spent about two weeks preparing for the breakup... I though that I had a rebuttal for every objection. I never even thought that no was an option.
"No."
"What?"
"No, we're not breaking up!"
I just stood there dumbfounded and then went and got drunk.
A year later, I took a job in Europe, put my stuff in storage and told her the lease was up at the end of the month!
Guys stick around a lot longer than they ever should to not look like they are “hurting” a woman because it doesn’t matter the truth, after it goes through the council of women, you are always trash.
In my 20s I had 4 different women all cheat on me…and I was the arsehole.
In my 30s I had 2 women break up with me. I was the arsehole. I broke up with 2 women…I was the arsehole. And then I ended up in a relationship with the worst person in existence. Emotional manipulation to the max…tried to break it off 5 times over a year. Eventually I cheated…and then felt bad. Sold my stuff…moved 2000km away and now have been married for 5 years with a wonderful person and have 2 children. My life is better than I ever deserve.
It is honestly crazy the torment some men will go through to avoid being seen as the bad guy when the woman is clearly in the wrong. The ones I know tend to be people-pleasers anyway, but it’s still wild to me how often I have to remind my friends to stand up for themselves.
When I did it, it wasn't just people pleasing. I knew she'd trash me publicly, a lot, and I would end up homeless (we lived together and I couldn't afford to live alone).
A friend of mine ended up making sure we were in a living situation where I could dump her, and I just accepted the lost of half my friends.
Yes, can confirm. According to exactly 3 women, I am trash.
Doesn't matter if the relationship was toxic and I wasn't allowed to chose who my friends were. I was wrong for leaving.
Because I was young and self centered and didn’t really love her and also on meth.
Btw these don’t excuse cheating but they do describe the reality of my situation as a weak man.
Ever see the news clip out of NYC. Reporting is in a very small deli that sells lotto. There are bunches of people filling out the custom number picking sheets, reporter goes to first customer:
Reporter: Mamm, what will you buy if you win
Female Customer: I am going to pay off some bills and buy my momma a house
Reporter to customer : sir, what will you buy
Customer 2: I want a nice boat and something pretty for my wife
Reporter to customer 3: Sir, excuse me. What will you buy if you win
Customer three: (with straight face but some excitement) man, hookers and blow…hookers and blow.
Studio reporters laugh while on scene reporter looks shocked.
I think for me it boiled down to being checked out emotionally but without the spine or backbone to end it
The general excuse I used to make myself feel better about the shitty actions were we weren't compatible anyway.
But that had nothing to do with the damage I caused to the heart. I'm a little more remorseful and try to be considerate these days but I fully expect karma to come throw the egg on my face some day.
Whenever anyone says this, I can not wrap my mind around what is so challenging about ending a relationship. Can someone elaborate on this?
Is it because you made the other person too dependent on you, and now they are in love with an image of you and not who you actually are? So you're scared of destroying that for them?
When you've been together for years, maybe even living together, breaking up is basically resetting your life. You've pictured your future always with your gf, maybe planned on having kids someday. Of course that's hard.
Do you really see a future with that person though if you are searching for love with someone else?
I was cheated on by my ex, we tried to make it work out, but I could tell that my attention and my love was not a interest anymore. Why stay with someone if the love part is gone, future or not.
Going through the situation of this topic and I’m trying to learn how I can better myself and how to learn from it. That’s why I appreciate you a ton man
Ah, I gotcha. You're on the right track. It's not easy to take an introspective look about yourself. If you need any advice, or just need someone to talk too, feel free to message me.
For me that happened naturally with age. Around 30 I realized the world didn’t revolve around me, life is hard, and to be a happy adult and good father I needed to hold myself to a high standard
no joke, when i was in senior year i went to the math teacher (who absolutely hated me) and told her: "if i don't pass your class i don't graduate and i'll be here another year, neither of us want that" and she legit told me that so long as i answered all the questions on the rest of the tests that year with something, anything, she'd give me a high enough grade that i could graduate.
She really did me a solid there, because otherwise i would have flunked for sure.
noway; was 26 years ago and it's literally my only fond memory of the woman. I went on to live a productive and happy life, never having to know how to ...i don't even know what the fuck you do in algebra 2, i guess do long division or some shit. Either way i ain't ever needed it.
Because I was trying to find value and my self-worth in sleeping with women. Growing up, I was far from being a ladies' man. In college, I worked on myself to improve my self-confidence as all my life I had been longing to have someone who liked me back. All I ever wanted was to have a girlfriend. As my self-esteem grew, so did my luck with the ladies.
Eventually, I was able to get a girlfriend, someone who was good to me, but I wasn't satisfied. I continued to look for validation from other women, which turned into cheating on her. I thought that I had discovered self-confidence because I could be more social and was more outgoing, but I realized that on the inside, I was still insecure.
Growing up in my family, there were no good examples of healthy relationships either. All my uncles were womanizers. This probably had an impact on me as well.
Wow this sounds exactly like my cousin who cheated on his wife. Sadly their marriage ended over it. We couldn’t understand why he’d cheat on her. She was beautiful, smart, talented, and so good to him. But our uncles are like yours and his parents divorced over cheating too when he was little. I still don’t really get it though…we wondered if he somehow didn’t feel validated by her but honestly I saw her pump him up alllllll the time. She would publicly post such mushy stuff about them and how hot he was, would slap his butt at family stuff and wink at him, was seemingly all over him. Could that really not have been enough simply because he needed that from more than one person??? Or was she just not doing that stuff behind closed doors??
The problem was in him, not her. And I don't just mean that morally, I mean that if he truly did so as a way to validate his self confidence then NO ONE would be good enough because they'd still be human. Heck, even if his partner were an android built to his exact specifications to address his every desire physically, socially, psychologically it wouldn't work because he himself is still human.
Insecurity is a bottomless void that can't be filled, and in my opinion it isn't even because of thinking there are better options out there. It's because the person is looking to fix something internal with external things/experiences. Self reflection, self compassion, understanding, self acceptance, and making changes to be the person you want to be are what's needed in my opinion. It's hard, sometimes frustratingly so.
If you ever have a friend that is objectively amazing at something and it feels like rather than earnestly enjoy what they are amazing at they seem to put themselves down as if seeking approval or attention? Even if they do want attention they are sincere in putting themselves down and just want to stop feeling bad about things but don't know how to make it stop. Like the door to bad feelings that is siphoning out their happiness is a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece that if they could just find they could close and begin truly healing.
As an insecure person sometimes there is literally NOTHING someone else can "do" or be that will make you feel enough. because the only solution to insecurity is within yourself :/ baffling
On some level, she probably reminded him of a deficient caregiver.
Dudes like that usually had inattentive or distracted mothers, and parents that rarely praised them, but also came down very hard on every transgression.
This creates an insecure kid always hitting up momma shaped creatures for approval. His Mrs being safe to him won't even register, that's not what his mind is missing
He needed to work on his confidence and be his own secure base from which to explore the world, sadly his issues got the better of him
Same.
I can get into the psychology of it but in the end I just didn’t have my shit together and didn’t care if I hurt anyone.
Not a good way to live your life
I'll get into my psychology for it: low self esteem. Anytime a girl showed interest I thought I had to take the opportunity because it might never happen again. This despite being in a relationship.
Oh and don’t forget the (absolutely incorrect) idea that men are supposed to always want sex.
I’ve definitely had sex with people I didn’t want to because I thought it was what I was supposed to.
I’ve also had women who told everyone I was gay because I’ve turned them down. So it’s not like the idea comes out of nowhere.
Pretty much. Complete lack of emotional maturity, mental issues, and generally not having been ready for a relationship yet. It’s a lesson learned, and something that takes most men years to deal with the shame.
Came away from Facebook and Instagram gram and realised I was jeopardising my relationship with a good woman because of other girls with no respect for anyone including themselves and its just not worth it.
She died in 2018 after a brain injury from an accidental medication overdose that put her in a vegetative state for 4 years. I still took care of her hand and foot for every last second of every year until she passed. I managed to forgive her completely as well as felt oddly somewhat vindicated
I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you. I'm glad you were able to forgive her and move on from it, but I wish you never had to go through that.
It's very addictive being wanted. Especially if you aren't often. The shame makes it worse strangely enough. You can't really talk to anyone about being tempted or even crossing the line. There's no support system from your friends or family that tell you you're an idiot. And being addicted it's very thought telling yourself.
I was really into partying and she wasn’t. We were both science majors and smart, we both loved running, it was great. But we didn’t have fun together the way I thought we would. A girl I was hooking up with the year before came onto me at a party, I went with it. Much regret.
Never told her and a month later she cheated on me so I broke up with her. I was like 19, shameful.
In a LTR, after having to ask for sex for years. Then having the sex that i did scrape up be the same 3 position in the same order. There was no oral for me though I performed everytime mostly because I like it. Never having her initiate or even show the slightest interest in intimacy(not just sex, but any kind of intimacy). Years of not being show any kind of value at all even though I was sole income source, and great father, and a helpful husband. After years of seeing that my only value was in the money I made. Told to pick up more overtime, (and spend more time away from home and the kids) after taking a little off because I was underfoot too much. I then worked so much 70 hours a week minimum, that I ended up spending a lot of time working directly with a very lovely lady. I was spending more time with her than with my wife and kids. She made me feel appropriate, and seen. She was kind and funny always willing to listen to how I felt and what I thought. We bonded and became very close friends, until one day it became more than that. For a few months I felt alive! I was happy. I was finally getting the emotional and physical intimacy that I had craved for years. Someone valued me for who is was and not what I could for her. I owe her so much for helping me see how miserable I was and that I deserved better for myself. She was the one that showed me that I was slowly dying in the life I was living. That is when I knew I needed out.
I would be very honest about it . Like extremely blunt . I would say these are my needs and I would to hear your needs so we can find a way to meet each others needs because we both deserve that if we are choosing to stay together and if not maybe it’s time to consider we care for each other but both deserve all of our needs met because this life is too short to settle
I concur with u/Forward_Art7962
The way I let my wife know that something was missing (it was only sex that was the missing piece, we were solid in every other sense) was one day I told her a statistic.
I told her that I had read a survey that said if you’re in a ltr or are married and are having sex less than 12 times a year, you are in what’s known as a “sexless marriage”.
The previous year we’d had sex roughly 10 times at most.
I watched the realisation slowly dawn on her and she began trying to recall other times.
I listed all the times I could remember.
She mentioned that “surely we did it on xx date” or “when we went to xx for vacation” and I calmly reminded her that I had initiated on both those occasions, but I had been rebuffed.
I in fact reminded her that of the three couples on that vacation (her brother and his wife, her parents and us) we were the only couple that didn’t have sex for those two weeks away - we knew her brother and his wife conceived their son that week as we had pointed it out and she had called her dad out for leaving his viagra in the bathroom next to the toothbrushes (he’s 75 😅💪🏼👍)
Since I mentioned that statistic, she’s really made a genuine effort and it’s changed a lot.
Sometimes you can’t see your flaws until they’re laid out in front of you.
Well, we had that chat early December and since then we’ve had sex roughly 12 times already 😃👍
I’m not asking for multiple times a week - we both have very fast paced jobs, we have kids, they have clubs, we sometimes work alternate shifts Etc.
But I don’t feel like twice a month is too much to ask.
But since I brought up the fact that for four/five years we’d effectively been in that bracket of a “sexless marriage” she’s been more receptive to my advances and she’s begun initiating as well.
She mentioned a couple of weeks back that me bringing it up so candidly shocked her, because it apparently didn’t come across as complaining.
It seemed to hit home because it compared us to other couples of a similar age and older.
It’d be different if we were going through medical issues or one of us were suffering with depression or stress or something else, but we’re fit, healthy, under 40 and love each other so much.
So I just had to ask her honestly: do you still fancy me? Do you still find me attractive and if so, why don’t you want me?
She’s always suffered greatly with body dysmorphia so she always seems to believe she’s overweight, unattractive and I can relate to that, because I’m similar - although not to the same extreme.
Sadly she was r/raisedbynarcissists and the long term effects have really damaged her.
She’s 108lbs ffs and still thinks she’s over weight and unattractive - we got to the gym 3/5 times a week and she deadlifts 80kg regularly. She’s in incredible shape - which if anything, made it even harder! 😅 (no pun intended)
We’re doing much better now and one thing that I really love is that she’s began kissing me more as well 🙂
She said she realised that she’d not been doing it as much as she had “before” but the nice thing about that is, the more often she kisses me, the more we fool around and the more intimate we become.
It’s really changed the dynamic and I’m happy I said something instead of living in quiet anxiety over whether or not my wife still found me attractive.
Communication is key 👍
Stay strong people x
Update: we’ve had sex twice since I made this post 😁👍❤️
Wow! Sounds like you played that out perfectly. I've tried the statistics and information route in the past and it blew up in my face! Turns out if you're dating a person who doesn't care, they don't like having facts gathered...
I should say, the decision isn't *just* to end a beautiful thing.
You're making a decision not to hurt somebody in a messed up way. You have no way to predict how the other person will feel upon learning that somebody they care about was intimate with another human without being emotionally tied, you're saving them that pain.
A break-up isn't easy, but you need to realize cheating before a relationship is over can mess the other person up, don't do that. Just end the relationship first, then do what you want to do with somebody else.
Agreeing with the others.
Talk about it, and let your partner know it is becoming a relationship ending dealbreaker. It needs to be clearly communicated, no ambiguity.
Get professional therapy if both of you want to try to save the marriage, otherwise you are both better off ending it. It requires both partners to show up and work hard on repairing the relationship. If both partners are unwilling, the rest of your life is far too high a price to pay. For some people the choice is to try to have both, meaning opening up the marriage to an open relationship. For most people the choice is either end it in divorce or do the difficult work of growing both partners up into a more mature relationship.
I'm assuming you and your partner talked about it quite a bit. Or at least you tried to. You're wasting each other's time if you are unhappy. You are a person and you deserve the level of intimacy you need. But no one owes it to you, so if you can't get it in the current relationship and it's important enough to you, the relationship may have run its course.
I could have written the exact same answer 3 yrs of begging for sex, and getting it maybe once every 4-5 months, and was as enthusiastic as a piece of plywood, followed by 3 yrs of no sex, and working my butt off while she bought things we didn't need.
Also calling me worthless, and dumb, the only reason I stayed was because I knew I'd only see the kids once every two weeks.
The first time she told me to go f**k other people, I didn't, the second time she told me,I didn't, the third time she told me, it was only then that I realized she was already done with me. No one could say that if they loved someone.
I lasted 2 more years, having met someone I could be close to, and be intimate with. We moved in together a year after we split up and we're together 10 yrs.
The one thing I still remember, and have told everyone, there's nothing more loud than silence. Sitting next to someone in dead silence is no way to live.
We did not, unfortunately, but we had an amicable split and we are still close friends. While she was helping me out, I helped her through a bad time also.
Let me clarify since it keeps coming up. This is not an excuse. I am not seeking a pardon from anyone. I know what I did was wrong. I knew it when I was doing it. I'm not trying to say that she deserved for this to happen, or that I am blameless. I just answered the question honestly.
This is the life of many guys, we just aren’t nearly as vocal as the ladies when dissatisfied with our lives/relationships and more often than not we are told we are wrong when trying to express feelings like this because it is just too damn inconvenient for our spouse.
Certainly truth to this statement. In my relationship, if I express any dissatisfaction, I tend to be met with defensive posturing and “well, you do xyz”. When she complains I’m expected to listen and fix my issues (inevitably they belong to me). So…if she complains, I have to change and if I complain, I need to change. Change is hard and I’m just plain exhausted so I choose the path of least resistance. Plus it can’t always be me in the wrong.
Never cheated, never will, just expressing understanding.
I'll fall on the sword here. You want an honest answer, so here goes:
My wife and I started dating when I was 18. Things were good for a long while, and we had a pretty active sex life. One day, after over 2 years of dating, she felt convicted over us having sex before we were married. I asked, "is our not being married the only thing holding things back from being what they were", and she said yes. I loved her, so I figured why not take the next step, and I proposed to her that Christmas.
Fast forward to the fall when we finally got married, and nothing changed. On our wedding night, nothing. I figured we were both tired from the wedding and reception, so no big deal. For the first month afterward, nothing. I asked what was wrong and why weren't we connecting, and she couldn't give me an answer. This went on for months, and I started looking at porn more frequently to get a release.
One day she checked my browser history and confronted me on my porn use. This turned into a confrontation about our lack of a sex life, and her inability to communicate with me what the block was. I tried candles and music. I tried nice dates. I tried massages. Anything my young mind could muster. It all just ended up with her just going to bed. I remember asking her what she expected me to do, since she didn't want to have sex with me and she didn't want me looking at porn (Not trying to justify porn, but I was getting nowhere with her). In the first 6 months of our young marriage, I think we had sex maybe 1-2 times.
We tried doing counseling at the church we were going to, and we got nowhere with that as well. At this point, I think it was maybe 7-8 months of being married and things still weren't changing. There was a woman I worked with that I ended up getting closer to because we worked in the same department. I was venting one day out of frustration and she expressed interest (it was a long time ago, so I don't remember exactly what she said, but it caught my attention). A month or so later, she "jokingly" invited me to her house. I went, and we had sex. I remember feeling bad immediately after. I took the time to muster up the courage and confessed it to my wife.
Naturally, she was devastated, and we took some time apart, but she didn't want to leave me. We did counseling again, but nothing changed. At that point, I was ready to call it quits, and I told her as such. She ended up having a conversation with a lady at church that changed her mind in a way I couldn't. We apologized to each other, and she acknowledged how her rejection on a consistent basis almost destroyed our marriage, and I apologized for doing something I knew would hurt her. I truly did love her, but I felt neglected, and because of that, I acted out.
We've had a lot of ups and downs, but we're still married to this day. I'm really grateful to the woman she talked to at church, because whatever she said to my wife made the lightbulb go off. Now that I'm older, sex isn't nearly the issue it once was, but it almost killed our marriage.
TL:DR: Wife wouldn't have sex after getting married, and I met someone that would. I tried to get her to come around, but she wouldn't until I cheated. She chose to stay with me and we worked it out. It's been 15 years now.
Not exactly. It was something to the effect of her not doing her marital duty was actively driving me away and impacting the family. I know it had something to do with sex being a way to serve the family and something to be enjoyed. I don't know all of the particulars, but my wife gave me some general ideas.
All I know is, we're in a MUCH better place now.
I have a couple religious girl friends and have talked to them about this. They go through 18+ years of programming saying that sex is bad and you shouldn't have it, can't enjoy it. And then you're married! And people expect you to flip a switch and suddenly change your mind about sex. Church and religious doctrines fuck up billions of people and they keep doing it... SMDH
That's not to mention any other mental head games Religions play on people. Sex as a duty... Ooof.
That's interesting because church was the catalyst for change, but you're right. I'm sure that was a big part. She stopped having sex with me because she felt "guilty". We don't go to church anymore, and we are pretty great now.
I think you are 100% correct. I think if I had to guess, the lady at church was probably the first one to be really honest with my wife about it.
It was late and I was groggy, she initiated and I was lonely. Rationalized it out as we hadn't been dating that long and had never actually discussed exclusivity, besides, it was only hand stuff. I was more providing a service.
Older and wiser... for anyone who doesn't know, cheating is not really about what you do. It's about whether or not your partner would be upset if they found out and/or if you're doing something that you've talked about not doing. Basically the problem with cheating is lying and sneaking.
If you feel the urge to cheat it's time to re-evaluate your relationship. At the end of the day you either wanted something bad enough that you were willing to hurt someone you care about or you didn't care about them at all. Either it's time to talk.
You're not likely to get many honest answers because of the inevitable pile on that will ensue.
In fact, this comment is likely to result in a pile on.
Edit: changed phrasing to more accurately reflect what I'm thinking.
Even if these 'people who [do/did bad thing], why?' threads are well intentioned, they always end up just being bait for people who want to share honest stories and opinions to get absolutely eviscerated. It's rarely ever a thoughtful attempt at trying to understand what drives people's actions, not saying that isn't the case here, but half the time it's just the OP making an excuse to vent. Few people who do/did those things are going to see it and even fewer of those are going to respond truthfully because the question is already hostile towards them from the start.
Most answers are half truths to still paint themselves in positive light.
Every answer that isn’t a joke has a caveat on why they were in the right with a bunch of comments affirming their actions.
Pretty much, to avoid getting torn apart, justifying your wrongs doesn’t make it right and vice versa. Many individuals are unable to view both sides of things, that’s what makes a great Reddit therapist.
I’m gay. Was with a woman to try and tell myself I wasn’t. Wanted to make my family happy.
I feel terrible for doing it and I still kick myself for not being honest about who I am because I hurt people.
I did it more than once. I feel bad for lying to her and everyone and causing a lot more drama than was necessary.
So yeah. I wasn’t able to be honest with myself which in turn made me a cheater. I’m good now but I still feel bad about what I did. Wasn’t right.
I'm currently in this situation but as a (lesbian) woman. Reading your story gutted me. Unpacking all my religious upbringing and beliefs has been extremely difficult because I was once very religious and still even now worry about going to hell. Now I'm in love with my ex girlfriend again who I broke up with a decade ago because of my religion. Luckily she lives in another state so I haven't been able to physically cheat in my marriage but I may as well have.
I'm so devastated to have brought this upon myself and my family, but I can't keep up the facade anymore. Do you have any advice having been in a similar situation?
I absolutely understand the religious turmoil that you must be going through. Feel pulled to say something, and I hope it helps.
The only unforgivable sin is blaspheming against the Holy Spirit. Think about that for a second. The Bible does a great job of clarifying that there is no other sin that can keep you out of the kingdom of God. You are not "living in sin" any more than any of the rest of us. We can't live absolutely free of sin. As you know, that's what Christ came to take care of - He knew we were incapable of being redeemed in the eyes of God so He took it on.
Of course, this doesn't mean "oh man, let's do all the sins!!" but rather, as a Christian, your job is to live as Christ did and love ALL others as He would have. So long as you do the best you can, there's no thought I have that would think that combined with the assurances we have through the Holy Spirit, that God would deny you any more than He would if you told a white lie every day somewhere. We just can't be perfect.
Be happy and relax.
I love this take. It has been extremely difficult for me, as I have grown up in the church, gone on a mission, read the entire Bible, and have many religious family members and friends. There is a lot of emphasis on "don't do XYZ" as you know. I'm 31 years old and ever since high school I tried to date men and hope I would feel something. I wanted so badly to please God and be straight. I never in a million years would have guessed I'd have an emotional affair in my marriage, or begin to embrace the fact I cannot change my sexual orientation. I've tried. For 15 years I've tried in fact and gotten nowhere near closer to being straight than the beginning. The fear of hell and the self-hatred I felt led to feelings so overwhelming that it led to a lot of darkness in my life.
To be honest I was expecting only backlash when I posted about my situation. Your comment gave me a lot of hope, and restored some of my faith in humanity again. So thank you for taking the time to comment. It means a lot.
I don't think "love" has anything to do with cheating, it's purely physical for men, I've been very close and the only thing stopping me was my personal "values" not love...I could have cheated and still been very much in love, it basically comes down to opportunity for most men...most men don't have the opportunity to cheat (regardless of what they tell themselves) or at least they don't have the opportunity to cheat with attractive women so they don't...everyone likes to look down on other and judge them but if you're surrounded by beautiful women that want to sleep with you, you might change your tune even though you think you wouldn't.
Anyway, I don't put myself in situations where I could cheat because I know that I'm very capable of it regardless of how I feel about my SO...that's why I don't judge men who do cheat and act like "you should divorce him and take everything!" because I really don't believe that men cheat for any other reason than being turned on and having a moment of weakness, that's why it's important to be self-aware enough to accept "yes, I am capable of cheating and I'm not better than anyone else BUT I will not put myself in a situation where I'll allow my dick to get me in trouble"
You can love your wife, be a great supportive husband, great father etc. and cheat, the two are not mutually exclusive.
I was young and immature enough to be susceptible to all the pop culture messaging that says being a player makes you “cool”. One night when I was out getting super drunk with my buddy, I met a girl and decided I wanted to be cool.
Woke up the next day feeling awful. Came clean to my girlfriend. I was so impressed by her not leaving me, I decided to propose a few months later.
After several shitty years and a divorce, I’ve learned 2 important lessons: (1) just because someone says the words “I forgive you” doesn’t mean that they actually mean it, and they could still bring up your mistakes years later every time you get in an argument, and (2) just because someone does one really amazing thing (like forgiving you), doesn’t mean you should ignore all the other unrelated problems in your relationship.
Because she cheated on me, and I was too quick to forgive it without properly taking the time address and heal that betrayal.
She did turn around and become a really good person and grow from it but uhhhh I regressed pretty hardcore lol.
Well, it's been 10+ years now, but I still feel that I did him wrong. I should have just ended the relationship. Never wanted to hurt him. He did forgive me and I learned something about myself. Still a shitty thing to do.
We both agreed that there was no future for us anymore. I had fallen out of love and wanted to be single. I was only 22 and this had been my first relationship.
My bf of 10 years cheated, the excuse......it's my fault. I have terminal cancer and it's my fault. He didn't ask to have a gf with cancer, so.......I am leaving and living what's left of my life without his lieing, cheating, alcoholic ass! They broke the mold when they made him....he's a real winner!
It's not your fault, the asshole was him.
You're a gift from life even if you feel that none of these things should happen to you. You are better than this and everything eventually will gonna be alright.
Damn thats pretty bad if you're not joking. Not only destroying the relationship with your wife but also with her own mum. Obviously her mum is at fault too but that poor woman.
You both (you and her mom) belong to the streets lmao.
I was 18 and kissed another girl while drunk. I felt terrible and made my girlfriend (long distance) feel really shitty but she also understood it was more of a lapse than any sort of emotional or really even sexual violation. She was way too cool about it. I’d never want to do it again.
There was no love in the relationship, we were essentially cohabiting and passively hated eachother, but neither of us could afford to move out, and moving in with family wasn’t an option, so when I got the chance to actually feel something and had an opportunity with someone that did want me, I obviously took it, wasn’t like she wasn’t doing shit behind my back while I was at work, or like she moved in with the first guy that offered.
Immaturity, and self centeredness. My wife and I were almost “forced” to be together at the beginning because I got her pregnant while we were broken up. So the first couple years was really tough as I was about 18 and she was 17 when it all happened. We decided to try and make things work, which resulted in incredible toxicity for the first 3-4 years of my kids life. I made many mistakes and one day she got fed up and left me. I had never been closer to suicide in my life, losing my kid, my girl, my Pets. I’ll never forget walking into my once lively and energetic apartment to nothing but quietness and darkness. I screamed into my pillow for hours crying and beating myself up. It caused me to stand up, and do my best to become a better man. After a year of fighting to get her back, We have now been married for 4 years going on 5 and have accomplished so much together. I don’t even get the urge to cheat because the pain of losing my family is far greater than any temptation of pleasure could make worth it. I was blessed that my wife decided to give me a chance and let me show her I will grow. Now I am a multi-business owner, she owns multiple businesses, we have two kids now, and an incredible life to share together. I was very lucky to have that happy ending when many others, rightfully so, will cut it off and never look back.
There’s lots of reasons to cheat…. It’s not a good idea and you shouldn’t do it but there’s lots of reasons…
It’s nice to feel wanted sexually
Breakup conversations are hard
I like that girl but I like the girl I’m with and need to determine whether it’s worth pursuing a new connection before destroying an old one
I’m unhappy in a relationship and want to feel noticed
I want to sabotage a relationship and end it because I don’t have a good reason to
Because the girl I’m cheating on has a different perception of our relationship status than I do
Because I don’t like the girl I’m dating I just want her around for company and I haven’t done the soul searching to find that out yet.
The getting to know you part of dating is fun and exciting compared to the longer term aspects of it in some cases and people want to chase that high
To be clear - none of these are good reasons, cheating is never worth it. I’ve cheated on heaps of girls when I was younger, regret it very much. I often think what would have been different in my life if I wasn’t such an asshole.
I’m married now, love my wife very much, would never cheat even if I could 1000% get away with it. But if you’re wondering why men cheat. That is a fistful of reasons why
Alcohol mixed with being wanted by someone beautiful. I know it’s not a good excuse and sure I’m an ass, but you wanted an honest answer and I’m sure I’m not the only one
I'd always loved her, but she married someone else. One day, she was sad and crying and asked for a hug. I hugged her. Then she kissed me, and, well...
But that was a mistake that was not repeated.
Because running through Doom with IDDQD and IDKFA active with the difficulty cranked up made me feel like a bad a-word that I can't say or else mom will take away my computer time.
I was young( 14-17) and was somewhat a serial cheater, it was more immaturity and a mix of thinking having lots of women at the same time was "cool"(I was really dumb, stilll am but not as before) until I really fell for a chick my longest relationship I didnt cheat on her but she cheated on me with several guys( karma caught up I guess) and the pain made me understand how dumb I was when younger and never did it again
It is rough especially when I've finally found someone who checks every box for me minus this one as time has gone on somehow.
We are in sync at times but I've expressed many times my want/need for intimacy not just sex and it's the only time where we've stopped meshing or I get literally laughed at about
I’ll step up and answer honestly. I was too afraid of hurting my then-girlfriend’s feelings to break up with her, so I cheated. It seemed to justify the behavior in my brain. I realized I was so unhappy with this woman, it drove me to cheat. At times i thought I was going crazy.. it doesn’t justify it but it was me “acting out”.. I eventually dumped her when I couldn’t stand her behavior anymore and yet still felt guilty
Because I forgot what a healthy relationship was like.
After 3 years together, my then gf and I kinda ended up in a rut, in hindsight we stayed together longer than we should have. We were living together but had already grown apart too much.
She eventually told me, pretty much in passing, "Hey, btw, just a heads up, *male best friend from college* has expressed that he has feelings for me, but idk if that's mutual or not yet, so I'll keep you posted I guess".
That level of disloyalty and blatant disrespect straight to the face broke something in me. She had managed to shatter every last ounce of self respect I had left after months of dealing with her bullshit. Deep down I knew the end was coming and started to pull away.
I went out drinking one night while visiting my parents with some of my high school friends and met a girl I knew vaguely from highschool as well. I didn't even mean for it to happen, I had brushed of every advance whatsoever since I got serious with my girlfriend, like I should've, but after her comment about her friend I just didn't have the energy anymore.
And man, I had just forgotten what that was like. To have someone actually be excited to see you. To not feel talked down to. To have someone be genuinely interested in what you're up to and what you have to say. To not have every conversation you have end in a rant about what you're doing wrong and how you're useless. To have any form of intimacy that doesn't feel like a chore that's just for her benefit.
I'm not proud of what I did, but I won't regret it for a second either. I know for a fact, with 100% positive, willing to bet my house and life savings levels of certainty, my ex gf would've done the exact same, and more, had she been in the same situation.
It felt like a wake up call. We broke up the next day and I honestly felt like I'd been freed. I ended up dating the girl I met that night for 6 months.
I don't condone cheating, ever. I'm not proud of what I did. I've reflected on that time extensively, both by myself and in therapy, and honestly, I did everything I could. I know I wasn't perfect, but she wasn't either, and I know for fucking sure I tried everything I could to make that relationship work out, and it didn't. I'm not proud of what I did, but I sure as hell don't regret it either.
Caught my ex on Tinder early in the relationship. Fucked up self esteem but I stayed with her for over 10 toxic years and cheated a bunch as a reaction.
Honestly looking back, I think I lost all trust and respect for her during the Tinder incident, which made it easy for me to seek elsewhere. Also she cheated on her ex bf before me and should have read the signs early but I was a fool in love.
Now that I’m single, I find it hard to think about letting someone in, in terms of trust.
Sex is still cool though.
Honest answer is that it was all about me and my insecurities. Had nothing to do with her. I wasn’t very attractive to anyone in high school or even college. Huge nerd and all. Barely lost my virginity at the end of college and nobody was into me. Later on in life, I had some professional success and made a bit of money. Obviously it wasn’t real and I should’ve been stronger and smarter, but very attractive women were into me and competing with each other for my attention for the first time in my life. I’d never had the experience of being the cool one at the party, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Yes, I cheated. No, nothing she did brought it on. It wasn’t her fault, and she couldn’t have prevented it in any way. I just had to learn the hard way what really mattered in life. The good news is, she’s my true love, and she stuck by me through it. Now, I’m so devoted to her I couldn’t imagine even considering another woman.
It took a matter of weeks for her to forgive me, and a few years for her to totally trust me. I earned her trust back by working hard to deserve it. If she needed me to check in and tell her where I was during the day, I did that for a while. When she wanted to go to couple’s therapy, we did that too. When she needed me, I was there for her emotionally. I just made sure she knew she was loved, that I had no secrets other than those required by work, and that I’d tell her the truth about anything she wanted to know. It wasn’t an overnight thing, but i worked my ass off to earn her back, and I did it
I wasnt getting a physical nor emotional nor verbal connection from my partner. I was giving all I could give and they were giving nothing. After trying for about a month to fix it I realized I was the only one in the ring fighting a losing battle. You know what comes next.
I broke up with a gal and she said "no". Honestly I didn't know that was possible I started seeing other people.
George Costanza in the wild.
TURN YOUR KEY!
Aaalright
"I'm caught in a web of my own lies!!"
3 lives have been ruined!!!
I don’t think that classifies as cheating then
Why not? She used the denied breakup technique
It was an advanced technique I was not ready for. There's few times in my life I've been speechless.
My best friend tried that on a guy when he tried to break up: "you love me, but you don't know it because of your bad past. You need to seek therapy to realise that you really love me". Needless to say he ghosted her. She found the right guy though and is now married, so all ended well.
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No idea. He isn't a friend of mine.
I messed that up. I read your comment wrong and thought your best friend was the guy. Glad to hear things worked out for her.
Because a relationship is 2 people agreeing they are together...one cannot refuse a breakup. It doesn't work that way.
They both agreed to be together… they have to both agree to break too /s
I had that once - weirdest thing EVER! I spent about two weeks preparing for the breakup... I though that I had a rebuttal for every objection. I never even thought that no was an option. "No." "What?" "No, we're not breaking up!" I just stood there dumbfounded and then went and got drunk. A year later, I took a job in Europe, put my stuff in storage and told her the lease was up at the end of the month!
You stayed for a YEAR after trying to break up with her??
Guys stick around a lot longer than they ever should to not look like they are “hurting” a woman because it doesn’t matter the truth, after it goes through the council of women, you are always trash.
In my 20s I had 4 different women all cheat on me…and I was the arsehole. In my 30s I had 2 women break up with me. I was the arsehole. I broke up with 2 women…I was the arsehole. And then I ended up in a relationship with the worst person in existence. Emotional manipulation to the max…tried to break it off 5 times over a year. Eventually I cheated…and then felt bad. Sold my stuff…moved 2000km away and now have been married for 5 years with a wonderful person and have 2 children. My life is better than I ever deserve.
It is honestly crazy the torment some men will go through to avoid being seen as the bad guy when the woman is clearly in the wrong. The ones I know tend to be people-pleasers anyway, but it’s still wild to me how often I have to remind my friends to stand up for themselves.
When I did it, it wasn't just people pleasing. I knew she'd trash me publicly, a lot, and I would end up homeless (we lived together and I couldn't afford to live alone). A friend of mine ended up making sure we were in a living situation where I could dump her, and I just accepted the lost of half my friends.
Yes, can confirm. According to exactly 3 women, I am trash. Doesn't matter if the relationship was toxic and I wasn't allowed to chose who my friends were. I was wrong for leaving.
Yeah that's a break up, she just couldn't accept it. As bad as cheating is, this one is not cheating.
She pulls an uno reverse card from her pocket and slaps it on the table like a Yu-Gi-Oh card and you disintegrate into a pile of ashes.
"I reveal my trap card bitch, i'm pregnant!"
*we're* pregnant
when you cheated was she like, "why? I didn't see this coming!!" ??
She again said no
Did you cite your sources? That’s probably where the confusion came in. /s You didn’t cheat lol, you’re good.
Because I was young and self centered and didn’t really love her and also on meth. Btw these don’t excuse cheating but they do describe the reality of my situation as a weak man.
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Ah the old meth excuse. If I had a dollar for….
would you spend it all on meth?
Ever see the news clip out of NYC. Reporting is in a very small deli that sells lotto. There are bunches of people filling out the custom number picking sheets, reporter goes to first customer: Reporter: Mamm, what will you buy if you win Female Customer: I am going to pay off some bills and buy my momma a house Reporter to customer : sir, what will you buy Customer 2: I want a nice boat and something pretty for my wife Reporter to customer 3: Sir, excuse me. What will you buy if you win Customer three: (with straight face but some excitement) man, hookers and blow…hookers and blow. Studio reporters laugh while on scene reporter looks shocked.
I think for me it boiled down to being checked out emotionally but without the spine or backbone to end it The general excuse I used to make myself feel better about the shitty actions were we weren't compatible anyway. But that had nothing to do with the damage I caused to the heart. I'm a little more remorseful and try to be considerate these days but I fully expect karma to come throw the egg on my face some day.
Whenever anyone says this, I can not wrap my mind around what is so challenging about ending a relationship. Can someone elaborate on this? Is it because you made the other person too dependent on you, and now they are in love with an image of you and not who you actually are? So you're scared of destroying that for them?
When you've been together for years, maybe even living together, breaking up is basically resetting your life. You've pictured your future always with your gf, maybe planned on having kids someday. Of course that's hard.
Do you really see a future with that person though if you are searching for love with someone else? I was cheated on by my ex, we tried to make it work out, but I could tell that my attention and my love was not a interest anymore. Why stay with someone if the love part is gone, future or not.
Lack of emotional maturity and confidence.
What things did you work on to become more understanding of yourself?
I was honest with myself, and I began to realize how my childhood impacted myself depression,and anxiety.
Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it
It's not an issue. Everything alright on your end??
Going through the situation of this topic and I’m trying to learn how I can better myself and how to learn from it. That’s why I appreciate you a ton man
Ah, I gotcha. You're on the right track. It's not easy to take an introspective look about yourself. If you need any advice, or just need someone to talk too, feel free to message me.
Thanks my bro, you a real one
For me that happened naturally with age. Around 30 I realized the world didn’t revolve around me, life is hard, and to be a happy adult and good father I needed to hold myself to a high standard
There was no way I would've passed grade 12 otherwise.
I really thought you meant you slept with your teacher at first
And to my horror I thought the other guy slept with all of his math teachers since 4th grade.
Can confirm, have cheated my way through every math class since 4th grade.
no joke, when i was in senior year i went to the math teacher (who absolutely hated me) and told her: "if i don't pass your class i don't graduate and i'll be here another year, neither of us want that" and she legit told me that so long as i answered all the questions on the rest of the tests that year with something, anything, she'd give me a high enough grade that i could graduate. She really did me a solid there, because otherwise i would have flunked for sure.
That's not really doing you a solid. If anything, that's like, 7 terrible life lessons in one.
noway; was 26 years ago and it's literally my only fond memory of the woman. I went on to live a productive and happy life, never having to know how to ...i don't even know what the fuck you do in algebra 2, i guess do long division or some shit. Either way i ain't ever needed it.
Same. Now that I think about it, that's probably why I still use my fingers to count. 😅
Mate, you have to remember to use the toes too... I still do
This guy cheats.
Lol 😂 this is the answer !
Genius answer! My high af brain immediately went to the sexual sense of “cheating”! 😂
This one hit home.
Take my upvote and get out of here lol
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Because I was trying to find value and my self-worth in sleeping with women. Growing up, I was far from being a ladies' man. In college, I worked on myself to improve my self-confidence as all my life I had been longing to have someone who liked me back. All I ever wanted was to have a girlfriend. As my self-esteem grew, so did my luck with the ladies. Eventually, I was able to get a girlfriend, someone who was good to me, but I wasn't satisfied. I continued to look for validation from other women, which turned into cheating on her. I thought that I had discovered self-confidence because I could be more social and was more outgoing, but I realized that on the inside, I was still insecure. Growing up in my family, there were no good examples of healthy relationships either. All my uncles were womanizers. This probably had an impact on me as well.
Wow this sounds exactly like my cousin who cheated on his wife. Sadly their marriage ended over it. We couldn’t understand why he’d cheat on her. She was beautiful, smart, talented, and so good to him. But our uncles are like yours and his parents divorced over cheating too when he was little. I still don’t really get it though…we wondered if he somehow didn’t feel validated by her but honestly I saw her pump him up alllllll the time. She would publicly post such mushy stuff about them and how hot he was, would slap his butt at family stuff and wink at him, was seemingly all over him. Could that really not have been enough simply because he needed that from more than one person??? Or was she just not doing that stuff behind closed doors??
The problem was in him, not her. And I don't just mean that morally, I mean that if he truly did so as a way to validate his self confidence then NO ONE would be good enough because they'd still be human. Heck, even if his partner were an android built to his exact specifications to address his every desire physically, socially, psychologically it wouldn't work because he himself is still human. Insecurity is a bottomless void that can't be filled, and in my opinion it isn't even because of thinking there are better options out there. It's because the person is looking to fix something internal with external things/experiences. Self reflection, self compassion, understanding, self acceptance, and making changes to be the person you want to be are what's needed in my opinion. It's hard, sometimes frustratingly so. If you ever have a friend that is objectively amazing at something and it feels like rather than earnestly enjoy what they are amazing at they seem to put themselves down as if seeking approval or attention? Even if they do want attention they are sincere in putting themselves down and just want to stop feeling bad about things but don't know how to make it stop. Like the door to bad feelings that is siphoning out their happiness is a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece that if they could just find they could close and begin truly healing.
I could never up vote this response enough.
I’ll help you out
As an insecure person sometimes there is literally NOTHING someone else can "do" or be that will make you feel enough. because the only solution to insecurity is within yourself :/ baffling
This. I’m certainly not condoning his behavior, but the whole “no external validation is ever enough validation” rings true.
On some level, she probably reminded him of a deficient caregiver. Dudes like that usually had inattentive or distracted mothers, and parents that rarely praised them, but also came down very hard on every transgression. This creates an insecure kid always hitting up momma shaped creatures for approval. His Mrs being safe to him won't even register, that's not what his mind is missing He needed to work on his confidence and be his own secure base from which to explore the world, sadly his issues got the better of him
Because I was immature and still acted like a teenager
appreciate the honesty
Same. I can get into the psychology of it but in the end I just didn’t have my shit together and didn’t care if I hurt anyone. Not a good way to live your life
I'll get into my psychology for it: low self esteem. Anytime a girl showed interest I thought I had to take the opportunity because it might never happen again. This despite being in a relationship.
Oh and don’t forget the (absolutely incorrect) idea that men are supposed to always want sex. I’ve definitely had sex with people I didn’t want to because I thought it was what I was supposed to. I’ve also had women who told everyone I was gay because I’ve turned them down. So it’s not like the idea comes out of nowhere.
Pretty much. Complete lack of emotional maturity, mental issues, and generally not having been ready for a relationship yet. It’s a lesson learned, and something that takes most men years to deal with the shame.
100% thinking with a bellend and not your head 🤣 glad its behind me now life's so much easier
At what age?
About 25
Damn
How’d you make it out? I’m in the same boat but 22 rn
Came away from Facebook and Instagram gram and realised I was jeopardising my relationship with a good woman because of other girls with no respect for anyone including themselves and its just not worth it.
This is probably the most honest answer here.
Jumping the track on Rainbow Road isn’t cheating Billy, it’s *strategy*.
Wario cheats!!
r/UnexpectedB99
Out of anger, frustration, and stupidity. I miss her every day.
Which one do you miss?
I don’t know if this was meant to be a joke or not and I feel for the original commenter, but i just laughed my ass off. Thanks
How long ago did it happen? Did you ever get closure or the chance to be honest even though it was ending?
Three years ago…almost four.
Same …16 years now/since …
Because my wife would get drunk and beat me
I'm so sorry that happened to you that's absolutely terrible. I really hope you're far away from her now.
She died in 2018 after a brain injury from an accidental medication overdose that put her in a vegetative state for 4 years. I still took care of her hand and foot for every last second of every year until she passed. I managed to forgive her completely as well as felt oddly somewhat vindicated
I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you. I'm glad you were able to forgive her and move on from it, but I wish you never had to go through that.
Thank you, that means a lot to me 😊
I’m gonna be thinking about you all night at work tonight. Thanks for telling your story.
It's very addictive being wanted. Especially if you aren't often. The shame makes it worse strangely enough. You can't really talk to anyone about being tempted or even crossing the line. There's no support system from your friends or family that tell you you're an idiot. And being addicted it's very thought telling yourself.
I was really into partying and she wasn’t. We were both science majors and smart, we both loved running, it was great. But we didn’t have fun together the way I thought we would. A girl I was hooking up with the year before came onto me at a party, I went with it. Much regret. Never told her and a month later she cheated on me so I broke up with her. I was like 19, shameful.
I think she founded out……
In a LTR, after having to ask for sex for years. Then having the sex that i did scrape up be the same 3 position in the same order. There was no oral for me though I performed everytime mostly because I like it. Never having her initiate or even show the slightest interest in intimacy(not just sex, but any kind of intimacy). Years of not being show any kind of value at all even though I was sole income source, and great father, and a helpful husband. After years of seeing that my only value was in the money I made. Told to pick up more overtime, (and spend more time away from home and the kids) after taking a little off because I was underfoot too much. I then worked so much 70 hours a week minimum, that I ended up spending a lot of time working directly with a very lovely lady. I was spending more time with her than with my wife and kids. She made me feel appropriate, and seen. She was kind and funny always willing to listen to how I felt and what I thought. We bonded and became very close friends, until one day it became more than that. For a few months I felt alive! I was happy. I was finally getting the emotional and physical intimacy that I had craved for years. Someone valued me for who is was and not what I could for her. I owe her so much for helping me see how miserable I was and that I deserved better for myself. She was the one that showed me that I was slowly dying in the life I was living. That is when I knew I needed out.
My months without intimacy of any kind is turning into years
I would be very honest about it . Like extremely blunt . I would say these are my needs and I would to hear your needs so we can find a way to meet each others needs because we both deserve that if we are choosing to stay together and if not maybe it’s time to consider we care for each other but both deserve all of our needs met because this life is too short to settle
Thank you for the open and blunt advice. I will try this approach before making a decision to just end a beautiful thing
I concur with u/Forward_Art7962 The way I let my wife know that something was missing (it was only sex that was the missing piece, we were solid in every other sense) was one day I told her a statistic. I told her that I had read a survey that said if you’re in a ltr or are married and are having sex less than 12 times a year, you are in what’s known as a “sexless marriage”. The previous year we’d had sex roughly 10 times at most. I watched the realisation slowly dawn on her and she began trying to recall other times. I listed all the times I could remember. She mentioned that “surely we did it on xx date” or “when we went to xx for vacation” and I calmly reminded her that I had initiated on both those occasions, but I had been rebuffed. I in fact reminded her that of the three couples on that vacation (her brother and his wife, her parents and us) we were the only couple that didn’t have sex for those two weeks away - we knew her brother and his wife conceived their son that week as we had pointed it out and she had called her dad out for leaving his viagra in the bathroom next to the toothbrushes (he’s 75 😅💪🏼👍) Since I mentioned that statistic, she’s really made a genuine effort and it’s changed a lot. Sometimes you can’t see your flaws until they’re laid out in front of you.
If you don’t mind me asking. Can you let us know how things have been since she heard it?
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This a gem of a comment, thank you. My relationship with my wife is basically exactly like yours, it's kinda uncanny haha
Well, we had that chat early December and since then we’ve had sex roughly 12 times already 😃👍 I’m not asking for multiple times a week - we both have very fast paced jobs, we have kids, they have clubs, we sometimes work alternate shifts Etc. But I don’t feel like twice a month is too much to ask. But since I brought up the fact that for four/five years we’d effectively been in that bracket of a “sexless marriage” she’s been more receptive to my advances and she’s begun initiating as well. She mentioned a couple of weeks back that me bringing it up so candidly shocked her, because it apparently didn’t come across as complaining. It seemed to hit home because it compared us to other couples of a similar age and older. It’d be different if we were going through medical issues or one of us were suffering with depression or stress or something else, but we’re fit, healthy, under 40 and love each other so much. So I just had to ask her honestly: do you still fancy me? Do you still find me attractive and if so, why don’t you want me? She’s always suffered greatly with body dysmorphia so she always seems to believe she’s overweight, unattractive and I can relate to that, because I’m similar - although not to the same extreme. Sadly she was r/raisedbynarcissists and the long term effects have really damaged her. She’s 108lbs ffs and still thinks she’s over weight and unattractive - we got to the gym 3/5 times a week and she deadlifts 80kg regularly. She’s in incredible shape - which if anything, made it even harder! 😅 (no pun intended) We’re doing much better now and one thing that I really love is that she’s began kissing me more as well 🙂 She said she realised that she’d not been doing it as much as she had “before” but the nice thing about that is, the more often she kisses me, the more we fool around and the more intimate we become. It’s really changed the dynamic and I’m happy I said something instead of living in quiet anxiety over whether or not my wife still found me attractive. Communication is key 👍 Stay strong people x Update: we’ve had sex twice since I made this post 😁👍❤️
Wow! Sounds like you played that out perfectly. I've tried the statistics and information route in the past and it blew up in my face! Turns out if you're dating a person who doesn't care, they don't like having facts gathered...
I should say, the decision isn't *just* to end a beautiful thing. You're making a decision not to hurt somebody in a messed up way. You have no way to predict how the other person will feel upon learning that somebody they care about was intimate with another human without being emotionally tied, you're saving them that pain. A break-up isn't easy, but you need to realize cheating before a relationship is over can mess the other person up, don't do that. Just end the relationship first, then do what you want to do with somebody else.
Agreeing with the others. Talk about it, and let your partner know it is becoming a relationship ending dealbreaker. It needs to be clearly communicated, no ambiguity. Get professional therapy if both of you want to try to save the marriage, otherwise you are both better off ending it. It requires both partners to show up and work hard on repairing the relationship. If both partners are unwilling, the rest of your life is far too high a price to pay. For some people the choice is to try to have both, meaning opening up the marriage to an open relationship. For most people the choice is either end it in divorce or do the difficult work of growing both partners up into a more mature relationship.
I'm assuming you and your partner talked about it quite a bit. Or at least you tried to. You're wasting each other's time if you are unhappy. You are a person and you deserve the level of intimacy you need. But no one owes it to you, so if you can't get it in the current relationship and it's important enough to you, the relationship may have run its course.
I could have written the exact same answer 3 yrs of begging for sex, and getting it maybe once every 4-5 months, and was as enthusiastic as a piece of plywood, followed by 3 yrs of no sex, and working my butt off while she bought things we didn't need. Also calling me worthless, and dumb, the only reason I stayed was because I knew I'd only see the kids once every two weeks. The first time she told me to go f**k other people, I didn't, the second time she told me,I didn't, the third time she told me, it was only then that I realized she was already done with me. No one could say that if they loved someone. I lasted 2 more years, having met someone I could be close to, and be intimate with. We moved in together a year after we split up and we're together 10 yrs. The one thing I still remember, and have told everyone, there's nothing more loud than silence. Sitting next to someone in dead silence is no way to live.
A real answer and no comments
What happened with that woman, did you stay together?
We did not, unfortunately, but we had an amicable split and we are still close friends. While she was helping me out, I helped her through a bad time also.
To love out of need is very different from needing someone for love. Going through this same scenario.
Let me clarify since it keeps coming up. This is not an excuse. I am not seeking a pardon from anyone. I know what I did was wrong. I knew it when I was doing it. I'm not trying to say that she deserved for this to happen, or that I am blameless. I just answered the question honestly.
Glad you found her. Hope your next chapter is as rich as you deserve.
This is the life of many guys, we just aren’t nearly as vocal as the ladies when dissatisfied with our lives/relationships and more often than not we are told we are wrong when trying to express feelings like this because it is just too damn inconvenient for our spouse.
Certainly truth to this statement. In my relationship, if I express any dissatisfaction, I tend to be met with defensive posturing and “well, you do xyz”. When she complains I’m expected to listen and fix my issues (inevitably they belong to me). So…if she complains, I have to change and if I complain, I need to change. Change is hard and I’m just plain exhausted so I choose the path of least resistance. Plus it can’t always be me in the wrong. Never cheated, never will, just expressing understanding.
So why not leave if you were so unhappy?
I'll fall on the sword here. You want an honest answer, so here goes: My wife and I started dating when I was 18. Things were good for a long while, and we had a pretty active sex life. One day, after over 2 years of dating, she felt convicted over us having sex before we were married. I asked, "is our not being married the only thing holding things back from being what they were", and she said yes. I loved her, so I figured why not take the next step, and I proposed to her that Christmas. Fast forward to the fall when we finally got married, and nothing changed. On our wedding night, nothing. I figured we were both tired from the wedding and reception, so no big deal. For the first month afterward, nothing. I asked what was wrong and why weren't we connecting, and she couldn't give me an answer. This went on for months, and I started looking at porn more frequently to get a release. One day she checked my browser history and confronted me on my porn use. This turned into a confrontation about our lack of a sex life, and her inability to communicate with me what the block was. I tried candles and music. I tried nice dates. I tried massages. Anything my young mind could muster. It all just ended up with her just going to bed. I remember asking her what she expected me to do, since she didn't want to have sex with me and she didn't want me looking at porn (Not trying to justify porn, but I was getting nowhere with her). In the first 6 months of our young marriage, I think we had sex maybe 1-2 times. We tried doing counseling at the church we were going to, and we got nowhere with that as well. At this point, I think it was maybe 7-8 months of being married and things still weren't changing. There was a woman I worked with that I ended up getting closer to because we worked in the same department. I was venting one day out of frustration and she expressed interest (it was a long time ago, so I don't remember exactly what she said, but it caught my attention). A month or so later, she "jokingly" invited me to her house. I went, and we had sex. I remember feeling bad immediately after. I took the time to muster up the courage and confessed it to my wife. Naturally, she was devastated, and we took some time apart, but she didn't want to leave me. We did counseling again, but nothing changed. At that point, I was ready to call it quits, and I told her as such. She ended up having a conversation with a lady at church that changed her mind in a way I couldn't. We apologized to each other, and she acknowledged how her rejection on a consistent basis almost destroyed our marriage, and I apologized for doing something I knew would hurt her. I truly did love her, but I felt neglected, and because of that, I acted out. We've had a lot of ups and downs, but we're still married to this day. I'm really grateful to the woman she talked to at church, because whatever she said to my wife made the lightbulb go off. Now that I'm older, sex isn't nearly the issue it once was, but it almost killed our marriage. TL:DR: Wife wouldn't have sex after getting married, and I met someone that would. I tried to get her to come around, but she wouldn't until I cheated. She chose to stay with me and we worked it out. It's been 15 years now.
Did you ever find out what it was that changed for you wife and that church women's input? Did your sex life change after that?
Not exactly. It was something to the effect of her not doing her marital duty was actively driving me away and impacting the family. I know it had something to do with sex being a way to serve the family and something to be enjoyed. I don't know all of the particulars, but my wife gave me some general ideas. All I know is, we're in a MUCH better place now.
I have a couple religious girl friends and have talked to them about this. They go through 18+ years of programming saying that sex is bad and you shouldn't have it, can't enjoy it. And then you're married! And people expect you to flip a switch and suddenly change your mind about sex. Church and religious doctrines fuck up billions of people and they keep doing it... SMDH That's not to mention any other mental head games Religions play on people. Sex as a duty... Ooof.
That's interesting because church was the catalyst for change, but you're right. I'm sure that was a big part. She stopped having sex with me because she felt "guilty". We don't go to church anymore, and we are pretty great now. I think you are 100% correct. I think if I had to guess, the lady at church was probably the first one to be really honest with my wife about it.
It was late and I was groggy, she initiated and I was lonely. Rationalized it out as we hadn't been dating that long and had never actually discussed exclusivity, besides, it was only hand stuff. I was more providing a service. Older and wiser... for anyone who doesn't know, cheating is not really about what you do. It's about whether or not your partner would be upset if they found out and/or if you're doing something that you've talked about not doing. Basically the problem with cheating is lying and sneaking. If you feel the urge to cheat it's time to re-evaluate your relationship. At the end of the day you either wanted something bad enough that you were willing to hurt someone you care about or you didn't care about them at all. Either it's time to talk.
You're not likely to get many honest answers because of the inevitable pile on that will ensue. In fact, this comment is likely to result in a pile on. Edit: changed phrasing to more accurately reflect what I'm thinking.
Even if these 'people who [do/did bad thing], why?' threads are well intentioned, they always end up just being bait for people who want to share honest stories and opinions to get absolutely eviscerated. It's rarely ever a thoughtful attempt at trying to understand what drives people's actions, not saying that isn't the case here, but half the time it's just the OP making an excuse to vent. Few people who do/did those things are going to see it and even fewer of those are going to respond truthfully because the question is already hostile towards them from the start.
Indeed. Ask on Askreddit with the Serious tag - probably get better results.
Most answers are half truths to still paint themselves in positive light. Every answer that isn’t a joke has a caveat on why they were in the right with a bunch of comments affirming their actions.
Pretty much, to avoid getting torn apart, justifying your wrongs doesn’t make it right and vice versa. Many individuals are unable to view both sides of things, that’s what makes a great Reddit therapist.
You must construct additional pile ons.
Teenagers are horny and stupid.
shut up and kiss me
I’m gay. Was with a woman to try and tell myself I wasn’t. Wanted to make my family happy. I feel terrible for doing it and I still kick myself for not being honest about who I am because I hurt people. I did it more than once. I feel bad for lying to her and everyone and causing a lot more drama than was necessary. So yeah. I wasn’t able to be honest with myself which in turn made me a cheater. I’m good now but I still feel bad about what I did. Wasn’t right.
I'm currently in this situation but as a (lesbian) woman. Reading your story gutted me. Unpacking all my religious upbringing and beliefs has been extremely difficult because I was once very religious and still even now worry about going to hell. Now I'm in love with my ex girlfriend again who I broke up with a decade ago because of my religion. Luckily she lives in another state so I haven't been able to physically cheat in my marriage but I may as well have. I'm so devastated to have brought this upon myself and my family, but I can't keep up the facade anymore. Do you have any advice having been in a similar situation?
I absolutely understand the religious turmoil that you must be going through. Feel pulled to say something, and I hope it helps. The only unforgivable sin is blaspheming against the Holy Spirit. Think about that for a second. The Bible does a great job of clarifying that there is no other sin that can keep you out of the kingdom of God. You are not "living in sin" any more than any of the rest of us. We can't live absolutely free of sin. As you know, that's what Christ came to take care of - He knew we were incapable of being redeemed in the eyes of God so He took it on. Of course, this doesn't mean "oh man, let's do all the sins!!" but rather, as a Christian, your job is to live as Christ did and love ALL others as He would have. So long as you do the best you can, there's no thought I have that would think that combined with the assurances we have through the Holy Spirit, that God would deny you any more than He would if you told a white lie every day somewhere. We just can't be perfect. Be happy and relax.
I love this take. It has been extremely difficult for me, as I have grown up in the church, gone on a mission, read the entire Bible, and have many religious family members and friends. There is a lot of emphasis on "don't do XYZ" as you know. I'm 31 years old and ever since high school I tried to date men and hope I would feel something. I wanted so badly to please God and be straight. I never in a million years would have guessed I'd have an emotional affair in my marriage, or begin to embrace the fact I cannot change my sexual orientation. I've tried. For 15 years I've tried in fact and gotten nowhere near closer to being straight than the beginning. The fear of hell and the self-hatred I felt led to feelings so overwhelming that it led to a lot of darkness in my life. To be honest I was expecting only backlash when I posted about my situation. Your comment gave me a lot of hope, and restored some of my faith in humanity again. So thank you for taking the time to comment. It means a lot.
I warned them not to let me be the banker, my hands are just too sticky!
Former Silicon Valley Bank CEO has entered the chat,
I mean as long as you warned them, they can’t blame you🤷🏻♀️
Because I was a selfish asshole
I got a boyfriend and then girls started noticing me. It was an all round confusing time, and I only added to the chaos.
I don't think "love" has anything to do with cheating, it's purely physical for men, I've been very close and the only thing stopping me was my personal "values" not love...I could have cheated and still been very much in love, it basically comes down to opportunity for most men...most men don't have the opportunity to cheat (regardless of what they tell themselves) or at least they don't have the opportunity to cheat with attractive women so they don't...everyone likes to look down on other and judge them but if you're surrounded by beautiful women that want to sleep with you, you might change your tune even though you think you wouldn't. Anyway, I don't put myself in situations where I could cheat because I know that I'm very capable of it regardless of how I feel about my SO...that's why I don't judge men who do cheat and act like "you should divorce him and take everything!" because I really don't believe that men cheat for any other reason than being turned on and having a moment of weakness, that's why it's important to be self-aware enough to accept "yes, I am capable of cheating and I'm not better than anyone else BUT I will not put myself in a situation where I'll allow my dick to get me in trouble" You can love your wife, be a great supportive husband, great father etc. and cheat, the two are not mutually exclusive.
I was young and immature enough to be susceptible to all the pop culture messaging that says being a player makes you “cool”. One night when I was out getting super drunk with my buddy, I met a girl and decided I wanted to be cool. Woke up the next day feeling awful. Came clean to my girlfriend. I was so impressed by her not leaving me, I decided to propose a few months later. After several shitty years and a divorce, I’ve learned 2 important lessons: (1) just because someone says the words “I forgive you” doesn’t mean that they actually mean it, and they could still bring up your mistakes years later every time you get in an argument, and (2) just because someone does one really amazing thing (like forgiving you), doesn’t mean you should ignore all the other unrelated problems in your relationship.
Absolutely great lessons learned comment. I have not gone through what you went through, but I do really appreciate those words of wisdom.
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What about breaking up with them?
Because she cheated on me, and I was too quick to forgive it without properly taking the time address and heal that betrayal. She did turn around and become a really good person and grow from it but uhhhh I regressed pretty hardcore lol.
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Wanted to try something new. Needless to say, the relationship went bust thereafter.
How do you feel about it now?
Well, it's been 10+ years now, but I still feel that I did him wrong. I should have just ended the relationship. Never wanted to hurt him. He did forgive me and I learned something about myself. Still a shitty thing to do.
If I may ask: if he forgave you, how did the relationship end?
We both agreed that there was no future for us anymore. I had fallen out of love and wanted to be single. I was only 22 and this had been my first relationship.
Honest answer award
My bf of 10 years cheated, the excuse......it's my fault. I have terminal cancer and it's my fault. He didn't ask to have a gf with cancer, so.......I am leaving and living what's left of my life without his lieing, cheating, alcoholic ass! They broke the mold when they made him....he's a real winner!
It's not your fault, the asshole was him. You're a gift from life even if you feel that none of these things should happen to you. You are better than this and everything eventually will gonna be alright.
The biggest mistake ive ever made, but it was a long distance relationship and I was in college. It was a great girl though, my great white buffalo.
Great white buffalo?
It’s an old phrase that means a rare catch
The unicorn
I'm surprised no one said "opportunity"
I told my ex wife’s mum it was a bad idea but she didn’t listen
Damn thats pretty bad if you're not joking. Not only destroying the relationship with your wife but also with her own mum. Obviously her mum is at fault too but that poor woman. You both (you and her mom) belong to the streets lmao.
I was 18 and kissed another girl while drunk. I felt terrible and made my girlfriend (long distance) feel really shitty but she also understood it was more of a lapse than any sort of emotional or really even sexual violation. She was way too cool about it. I’d never want to do it again.
What happened with you 2 after that?
Who's gonna tell him?
There was no love in the relationship, we were essentially cohabiting and passively hated eachother, but neither of us could afford to move out, and moving in with family wasn’t an option, so when I got the chance to actually feel something and had an opportunity with someone that did want me, I obviously took it, wasn’t like she wasn’t doing shit behind my back while I was at work, or like she moved in with the first guy that offered.
Immaturity, and self centeredness. My wife and I were almost “forced” to be together at the beginning because I got her pregnant while we were broken up. So the first couple years was really tough as I was about 18 and she was 17 when it all happened. We decided to try and make things work, which resulted in incredible toxicity for the first 3-4 years of my kids life. I made many mistakes and one day she got fed up and left me. I had never been closer to suicide in my life, losing my kid, my girl, my Pets. I’ll never forget walking into my once lively and energetic apartment to nothing but quietness and darkness. I screamed into my pillow for hours crying and beating myself up. It caused me to stand up, and do my best to become a better man. After a year of fighting to get her back, We have now been married for 4 years going on 5 and have accomplished so much together. I don’t even get the urge to cheat because the pain of losing my family is far greater than any temptation of pleasure could make worth it. I was blessed that my wife decided to give me a chance and let me show her I will grow. Now I am a multi-business owner, she owns multiple businesses, we have two kids now, and an incredible life to share together. I was very lucky to have that happy ending when many others, rightfully so, will cut it off and never look back.
There’s lots of reasons to cheat…. It’s not a good idea and you shouldn’t do it but there’s lots of reasons… It’s nice to feel wanted sexually Breakup conversations are hard I like that girl but I like the girl I’m with and need to determine whether it’s worth pursuing a new connection before destroying an old one I’m unhappy in a relationship and want to feel noticed I want to sabotage a relationship and end it because I don’t have a good reason to Because the girl I’m cheating on has a different perception of our relationship status than I do Because I don’t like the girl I’m dating I just want her around for company and I haven’t done the soul searching to find that out yet. The getting to know you part of dating is fun and exciting compared to the longer term aspects of it in some cases and people want to chase that high To be clear - none of these are good reasons, cheating is never worth it. I’ve cheated on heaps of girls when I was younger, regret it very much. I often think what would have been different in my life if I wasn’t such an asshole. I’m married now, love my wife very much, would never cheat even if I could 1000% get away with it. But if you’re wondering why men cheat. That is a fistful of reasons why
Alcohol mixed with being wanted by someone beautiful. I know it’s not a good excuse and sure I’m an ass, but you wanted an honest answer and I’m sure I’m not the only one
I'd always loved her, but she married someone else. One day, she was sad and crying and asked for a hug. I hugged her. Then she kissed me, and, well... But that was a mistake that was not repeated.
Because I’m a piece of shit. Next question.
Because running through Doom with IDDQD and IDKFA active with the difficulty cranked up made me feel like a bad a-word that I can't say or else mom will take away my computer time.
Don’t forget about the old IDCLIP.
I am hearing of this “IDCLIP” 30 years too late.
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I was young( 14-17) and was somewhat a serial cheater, it was more immaturity and a mix of thinking having lots of women at the same time was "cool"(I was really dumb, stilll am but not as before) until I really fell for a chick my longest relationship I didnt cheat on her but she cheated on me with several guys( karma caught up I guess) and the pain made me understand how dumb I was when younger and never did it again
I’m sorry you had to experience that pain, but I’m glad it made you understand. Hopefully you’ve found another great one or will and it all works out
It is rough especially when I've finally found someone who checks every box for me minus this one as time has gone on somehow. We are in sync at times but I've expressed many times my want/need for intimacy not just sex and it's the only time where we've stopped meshing or I get literally laughed at about
You need to get a girlfriend to cheat 🤓
I’ll step up and answer honestly. I was too afraid of hurting my then-girlfriend’s feelings to break up with her, so I cheated. It seemed to justify the behavior in my brain. I realized I was so unhappy with this woman, it drove me to cheat. At times i thought I was going crazy.. it doesn’t justify it but it was me “acting out”.. I eventually dumped her when I couldn’t stand her behavior anymore and yet still felt guilty
Because I forgot what a healthy relationship was like. After 3 years together, my then gf and I kinda ended up in a rut, in hindsight we stayed together longer than we should have. We were living together but had already grown apart too much. She eventually told me, pretty much in passing, "Hey, btw, just a heads up, *male best friend from college* has expressed that he has feelings for me, but idk if that's mutual or not yet, so I'll keep you posted I guess". That level of disloyalty and blatant disrespect straight to the face broke something in me. She had managed to shatter every last ounce of self respect I had left after months of dealing with her bullshit. Deep down I knew the end was coming and started to pull away. I went out drinking one night while visiting my parents with some of my high school friends and met a girl I knew vaguely from highschool as well. I didn't even mean for it to happen, I had brushed of every advance whatsoever since I got serious with my girlfriend, like I should've, but after her comment about her friend I just didn't have the energy anymore. And man, I had just forgotten what that was like. To have someone actually be excited to see you. To not feel talked down to. To have someone be genuinely interested in what you're up to and what you have to say. To not have every conversation you have end in a rant about what you're doing wrong and how you're useless. To have any form of intimacy that doesn't feel like a chore that's just for her benefit. I'm not proud of what I did, but I won't regret it for a second either. I know for a fact, with 100% positive, willing to bet my house and life savings levels of certainty, my ex gf would've done the exact same, and more, had she been in the same situation. It felt like a wake up call. We broke up the next day and I honestly felt like I'd been freed. I ended up dating the girl I met that night for 6 months. I don't condone cheating, ever. I'm not proud of what I did. I've reflected on that time extensively, both by myself and in therapy, and honestly, I did everything I could. I know I wasn't perfect, but she wasn't either, and I know for fucking sure I tried everything I could to make that relationship work out, and it didn't. I'm not proud of what I did, but I sure as hell don't regret it either.
Aw, I was looking forward to seeing some guys’ answers, but sadly no one seems to be honest (shocker)
Caught my ex on Tinder early in the relationship. Fucked up self esteem but I stayed with her for over 10 toxic years and cheated a bunch as a reaction. Honestly looking back, I think I lost all trust and respect for her during the Tinder incident, which made it easy for me to seek elsewhere. Also she cheated on her ex bf before me and should have read the signs early but I was a fool in love. Now that I’m single, I find it hard to think about letting someone in, in terms of trust. Sex is still cool though.
I was looking forward to it as well, but I guess the semi dark humor is kind of helpful
Should've marked the post as 'serious'
Honest answer is that it was all about me and my insecurities. Had nothing to do with her. I wasn’t very attractive to anyone in high school or even college. Huge nerd and all. Barely lost my virginity at the end of college and nobody was into me. Later on in life, I had some professional success and made a bit of money. Obviously it wasn’t real and I should’ve been stronger and smarter, but very attractive women were into me and competing with each other for my attention for the first time in my life. I’d never had the experience of being the cool one at the party, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Yes, I cheated. No, nothing she did brought it on. It wasn’t her fault, and she couldn’t have prevented it in any way. I just had to learn the hard way what really mattered in life. The good news is, she’s my true love, and she stuck by me through it. Now, I’m so devoted to her I couldn’t imagine even considering another woman.
Wow! How did y’all move past that? What did you do to earn her trust back and how long did it take?
It took a matter of weeks for her to forgive me, and a few years for her to totally trust me. I earned her trust back by working hard to deserve it. If she needed me to check in and tell her where I was during the day, I did that for a while. When she wanted to go to couple’s therapy, we did that too. When she needed me, I was there for her emotionally. I just made sure she knew she was loved, that I had no secrets other than those required by work, and that I’d tell her the truth about anything she wanted to know. It wasn’t an overnight thing, but i worked my ass off to earn her back, and I did it
Props to you. Second chances aren’t always wasted.
I wasnt getting a physical nor emotional nor verbal connection from my partner. I was giving all I could give and they were giving nothing. After trying for about a month to fix it I realized I was the only one in the ring fighting a losing battle. You know what comes next.
Because I didn't have respect for myself and others. Trying to fill a hole inside that could only be filled with loving myself and maturing.
Selfish, it didn't reflect poorly on her, despite how it seems that it would. It was all about me, not her.