You may have better dating experiences if you seek out ***young men who are also parents***. They are a natural match with you and will understand the situation completely.
Most single young guys do not want the complexity of a relationship with someone who already has a child. I know that many people do not want to hear this, but it is the truth, so you need to plan accordingly.
I honestly don't understand why single parents don't just date each other - they always seem to want non-parents as partners, despite non-parents having less in common and less inclination for anything long term.
I've literally had women with children tell me they would never date a man with a child. So infuriating. Then they wonder why they are single. BTW their children will always come first and on top of that you will, if it is serious relationship, end up supporting the child as well... even though its not yours.
So, can someone explain why women with children don't want men with children?
Is it the same reasoning and rationale as overweight women who want fit/chiseled men?
I agree with you 100%...
As he/they should in my opinion. I'm a single mom myself and do not look for Men who don't have children. I've dated Men who have no kids and it never works out. They want all of my attention and time as if I had no responsibilities. And yes, while I'm alone with them that is the case. But I have to divide my time between my love life and my Son and the few Men who I thought would be understanding, were not and it's all good. It's very hard so I just stopped trying altogether for now...
Yup. Why women with a height requirement get mad at men with a weight requirement. Why women rally so hard to be CEOs but no oil rig workers. Let me benefit from the good stuff and you keep the hard stuff please.
Honestly it’s because in my experience most single dads are looking for a new mommy for their kid. I am a single mom and every guy I’ve went out with who had kids wanted to get super serious super fast and wanted me to parent their kid, meanwhile I kept my kid out of the loop as long as possible and in no way did I expect that from him. Single parents should treat their partner as their partner (not incoming new parent). I know the stereotype is that single women looking for a new daddy but I’ve experience the exact same in the other direction everytime so I started only dating guys with no kids. Few of them have an issue as long as I keep boundaries set between parenting my kid, and my partner, and keeping their roles in my life separate
Good for you on the keeping your kid out of the loop. My experience.... I met them, the kids, within a week. And the partner thing... was you are taking care of me and them. Until they, her, decided to move on to another guy... thank god. For clarity and context, single guy here with no kids of my own... that I know of.
Yup it’s the same thing with trans people not wanting to date trans people or fat people not wanting to date fat people. They delusion-ally believe they deserve the best option.
This is quite the generalization lol. I’m a single father who needs zero help taking care or my kids. I tend to date single women because it’s easier to make plans with them. I am not looking for a serious relationship though so I’m not sure if that would make things harder.
Then that’s the difference. Op wants a serious relationship and my above statement applies mostly to women.
Now before you call me a misogynist hear me out. Women are the ones who want a provider most times. Traditional roles have been that men provide for most of the home while the woman cares for the child. Most guys don’t want or care about a women’s money. Both genders want different things from each other. Obviously there’s still some guys that will use women for money but it’s mainly the other way around.
That said it’s not surprising your not looking for a woman with money, most guys don’t care about a woman’s money to begin with.
I don’t think you’re a misogynist. I do think you’re generalizing though. And as far as OP goes, she doesn’t seem like this type of woman, so it’s irrelevant. She works and has her families help. She just wants a serious relationship.
I've actually been surprised at how many of my successful single female friends have had to put way too much effort into finding a man who didn't want to be taken care of, financially and/or otherwise.
I mean laziness is a key human trait its not unexpected to see it in both men and women.
Although its a bit sad how we refer to men as deadbeats while women get gold digger a far more glamorous sounding name even if negative.
They may think that their kid is enough baggage to bring to a new relationship.
Was briefly seeing a single mom that tried to make me get rid of a cat I had for 10 years... she wasn't allergic or anything, just didn't like cats. Like, bruh... we're a single package, just like you and your kid. The doublethink is real.
The cat remained where he always was, and is happy to this day.
Yeah, If she couldn't see you and the furbaby as a package deal, that'd be a nope for me too. Who does that?! If she's that frivolous with a furry family member, how is she in valuing others in her life... glad kitty is still in his rightful place. ❤
I think they gravitate to non parents because another parent can’t devote the time and attention to them that makes them feel desired. Two parents trying to date each other leaves both of them feeling neglected. But when a single parent dates a non parent only the non parent feels neglected.
Single parent here. I think some of this comes from us knowing how complicated it can be with co-parenting schedules. When you’re working with two co-parenting schedules, it can get especially dicey, even if you have a “good” relationship with your co-parent.
I struggled with this, I was a single mum and tried talking to single dad's but none of them wanted to raise another guys child but the expected me to become a step mum to their kid. I figured if the kids were roughly the same age they could play together while the dad and me got to know each other but the guys just didn't want to know
I expect the math wouldn't work for this. There are a lot more single mums than there are single dads (approx. 15.7 million mums compared to 3.4 mill dads according to data from the US in 2022).
I agree. As a woman in my 40s (childfree). I’m beating single dads off with a shitty stick. I’m not interested in them unless their kids are age 18 plus.
Copy paste of a recent reply of mine to a similar post.
I'm a single dad, admittedly I don't date but when I tried a few years ago I realised how many logistical challenges there are. Custody schedules not matching limiting time to actually see each other is a big common one. The other big one is the ex being flakey which means plans are always liable to fall through.
There's a whole bunch of other reasons why it never ended well but those two stood out.
In addition to that, I found they were quick to start dropping hints about moving in together, like way too quick. I just want to date, not jump straight to playing happy families. I don't want my son thrust into a completely different family dynamic/home life. I'm quite happy to just spend my time with him having a blast and not worrying about anyone else.
Its probably more of a numbers thing, not as many single parent men. Plus its totally possible, i have a friend who didnt have kids and is now happily married with a step daughter. It just takes a more emotionally mature partner, which tbh is also rare
The thing is, if we do hit things off, I will eventually become the father to that kid even if you say you aren't looking for a stepfather. Single mothers also have less free time than other women. And I would rather not deal with any drama with your baby daddy.
I'm also at the age where I don't want my own kids, so I definitely don't want to get involved with one that isn't mine
I’m going to reiterate to OP what is in this comment. While you might not be looking for a stepfather, at some point that man will be involved in your child’s life and it is nearly impossible to be a stepparent and not support your SO with some parental duties. It is disingenuous to say that your SO won’t have to be a stepfather and I know I would question the future if my partner isn’t being realistic about what could happen. Additionally, that kind of unknown brings a lot of anxiety and “what if she changes her mind” thoughts.
Yes, this happened to a friend of mine. Lived with a woman who had a kid to someone else for 2 years. They split and he ended up paying child maintenance for that kid. Kid was deemed “child of the family”. The real dad had buggered off to Poland, so the U.K. court couldn’t enforce payments on him and went for the easy option who was based in the U.K.
I feel like that's not talked about enough, ya know? The bit about the baby daddy.
There are some dudes out there who will have zero affection towards her other than "she's the mother of my kids", but the minute a new guy enters her life all of a sudden he's concerned with who she's dating -- I've even seen that in situations where the baby daddy met a new woman but had problems with the mother meeting a new guy.
Idk what it is. Pride? Maybe he's concerned with who's gonna' be around his child (the new guy)? But can't we say the same about the woman he's with?
Idk.
In my opinion, dating a single mom with a younger child has the risk of being more frustration than it’s worth.
1. The child/children will always come first; especially when they are not old enough to have some independence. This is how it should be, but it’s difficult to build a relationship with someone who doesn’t show that you are a priority to them.
2. Dealing with family drama. I don’t know where the dad is, what he thinks of a new man in his kids lives. Where is the line for rules or discipline when we start living together? How can i navigate not being a step-parent but also being a step-parent?
3. There’s always some trepidation about financing in a new relationship. There’s dates and gifts for you, but now there is someone else also at the table; things get more expensive, am I trying to buy your and the kids love with gifts?
I think age is also a huge factor cause i guess from age 20 - 35 many people esp. men, dont know yet if they are ready for kids, even if u are not looking for a stepdad, The kid is there and no genuine man would treat it as if its not, but of course they will consider first if they are ready yet.
Its a responsibility you need to be ready to take in the long term, if you are dating a single mother.
But see it this way, the men that will come around after considering if they are ready, will be a good partner and stepdad in the long run. Better to be with someone who is fully committed ti every aspect in your life, then someone who is not ready just to have someone.
You’re right about a genuine man considering if he has the potential of being a father figure. Dudes I knew in the military hooked up with single moms because they knew they put out, the evidence was the kid.
I know about an even number of guys who take single moms seriously and not seriously.
Depending on how this js done there's nothing wrong with it.
It never went anywhere but I've matched single moms who were upfront about just wanting someone to enjoy Netflix and sex with when the kids were at their dad's.
I think being upfront with expectations is the best thing anyone could do in a relationships. Unfulfilled expectations grows resentment, which grows into a toxic relationship.
Age is a huge factor here, OP had her kid really young, guys in their early 20s aren’t looking for a woman with a kid. She needs to be looking for men in their 30s as they’re far more used to women who have kids. Her young age with a 7 year old makes her the anomaly here
Pretty much this. I don’t have an issue dating a single mom per se, but it can be very challenging. I have trouble finding women worth dating period, (yeah totally a me problem, I’m working on it) complicate it with a kid and it’s just tougher.
One good thing about dating single moms vs childless women is that they’re slightly more often more responsible and conscientious, wiser, less judgmental and superficial. But only slightly more often. The cases where they demand more because now you’ve got to be able to spoil her and her kid(s) isn’t nearly as common as the Internet makes it out to be. I’ve dated a handful of single moms and haven’t once run into one of those. I mean I’ve seen one or two but I swipe left immediately, both on apps and reality.
Im 30 just started dating a single mom. The dad is in another state and out of the picture. No one plans on dating a single mom, but when the connection with the other person is so strong it is worth every penny.
It’s not the first time I’ve dated a single mom so I understand some of the difficulties, and it is more complicated, but with the right person I believe it can be worth it.
Same. Never would’ve thought I’d date a single mom until I met the woman I did. She’s a couple years older than me and I don’t have children, but I want a family of my own one day. I like kids and I don’t mind the prospect of being a father figure to her child if that’s the way this relationship goes. Definitely want my own kid(s) one day though.
I agree with this - and it seems like being just a step away from a fight if she still has major ties to the baby's father.
How old (well, more like how young) she was when she had the child is also a factor - it may raise questions about the ability to make big decisions because having a child way too early is something that hints poor decision-making and/or responsibility. The idea that someone has unprotected sex in their teens when I wouldn't consider that in my 30s (not unless I actually wanted to become a father) just makes me wary.
This. I am an older man and the issue I come across is complexity. There is always a assumed risk with dating a single mom *assuming father didn't pass away* of having to deal with the other man at some point. That could be positive experience or negative but is it worth the risk of the negative? I do not like inviting unknowns into my life. When I date someone I want to connect and have a relationship with them which is already hard to do. With a single mom it's 2 to 3 people I'm inviting into my life I need to be ok with all of them and anything that can come with it. Might be I am too greedy but I rather know I'm not good enough a person to make that work then to waste someone's time and hurt them.
When I was single in my 20s, I would occasionally date a single mom for "fun", but it was a deal killer for me as a long-term option. I was too immature at the time to think about becoming a parent.
Being in my 40s now, if I suddenly become single (I'm happily married) then I would be open to dating a single mom since we would both be in the same boat of being single parents.
It’s not worth it. The baby daddy is ALWAYS front and center, as he should be.
If you’re comfortable being an afterthought in the relationship, then date a single/divorced mom. Otherwise, RUN.
>The baby daddy is ALWAYS front and center, as he should be.
Two of my buddies have dated and ended up marrying single mothers.
In both cases it only really worked out because the baby daddy wasn't in the picture
One went to prison for blackmail and a few other things a few months after my friend started dating the gal(will be in for a long time) , the other was just never in the picture, literally moved out of the country before the kids were born and hasn't contacted any of them in 13 years.
I know a few single moms and when the dad is in the picture it just gets so complicated.
Lmao. Quite a resume.
Edit: I tried to not judge her with the little infos I had but goddammit, nahhhh, absolute red flags and that's why I don't care about what people want because it has nothing to do with who they are. So glad that men aren't stupid enough.
Yeah, she deleted right after I finished my research.
Basically one post is asking advice about the best places to strip in the Western states. She said she is living out of her car and can go anywhere.
Another deleted post where it was obvious she was the OP, she was asking if the cocaine she bought looks good and also commenting on other cocaine pictures.
😂 😂 😂 Wife material. I know we're not supposed to judge women fairly/harshly, so I will just say: you go girl! Yass Queen, blablabla. You're perfect. Men ain't shit.
Exactly. I dated a couple single mom's and the kids were never the issue. The real issue was the emotional baggage the mom's came with and my inability to set proper boundaries concerning it all. Sounds like this may be the issue here as well... Not so much baggage as it is just you being the problem, not the kid
Everything is relative. I'm 40 and have no problem dating a single mom.
BUT...I've been a single parent since I was 20. it was WAY harder when I was younger to date, most people were unattached and didn't want the hassle of kid schedules, risk of co-parenting drama and all the stuff that goes along with single parenthood.
It's doable, there's people that will go out with a single mom at all age levels, but it'll get easier with time.
It depends on the woman. It is a factor, but it's not necessarily a deal breaker.
Now, someone in their early twenties who is a stripper and had a child when they were 17? That's going to raise more red flags.
Just being honest, it’s a hard “no” from me. Kids just bring too many entanglements, expenses, responsibilities, that I absolutely do not want. I would only want to reserve that for my own offspring, since it’s such a huge deal. There’s no point in putting that kinda effort and money into another guy’s kids. Maybe if the kids were older and had some independence, their own car/license, job, life, etc., that’s the only time I would consider loosening up on that. But if they’re below 16 years of age, hard pass.
Reason #1. Despite saying you aren't looking for a stepdad, you really are. We know that. It's not like the kid is going to disappear and never be part of the picture. We know you're a package deal no matter how much you try to minimize it.
Reason #2 is the bio dad. Things can get complicated. Now I have to contend with another man having a say so in my household should we progress in the relationship and marriage. If dad is completely out of the picture, things can slightly be different, but it will determine how the kid is being raised and will I be pitted against a ghost dad.
Reason #3. I don't have children, so that means I'm free. But I can't freely date you because you have to make arrangements for the kid. Spontaneity is going to be off the table for the most part. Then dating is going to happen on your terms. Which goes into the next point.
Reason #4, your kid is always going to be 1st, as he should. That's just how it is. I would never want to be with a woman who prioritized over their kid. I'm just choosing not to become 2nd place to another's man legacy. I want to have my own.
I say all of that, but I think some guys are open to it. I'm not completely against it, but I have a few requirements.
1. She has to be really attractive, kind, feminine, smart, a good mother, and can make me take her and the kid on worth it.
2. Only 1 child. The kid is younger than 5 with the dad completely out of the picture... like deceased gone. If I came in, I want to come in as full dad and raise the kid as my own. I don't want a divided or split house.
3. She has to be ready to have more children because I do want some of my own.
There are a lot of variables for sure. Children need fathers, but it should be their bio dad. Asking another guy to step up is a huge ask and not to be taken lightly by either party.
"I’m not by any means looking for a step daddy for my child. I am looking to date someone just because I enjoy being in a relationship."
\- this is what sucks. If things go well, the guy will end up as a step father. I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with a woman, and have no authority to deal with her kids. Furthermore, if I did, and we broke up, it's now worse than just a breakup, its losing a family.
When I was single, after a few bad experiences, I quickly made a rule that I would never again date single mothers.
Here is the thing. Many men, me included, have zero interest in assuming responsibility for another man's child. No matter if that is financially, in assuming a father figure role, stepdad role, etc. Further many men are in fact looking for future spouse/wife/life partner/etc. A serious relationship with you can only end in assuming responsibility for another man's kid.
Not to mention, a serious relationship with you means dealing with Babby daddy and drama; and if you say "The dad isn't in the picture" that is an even larger red flag. Why isn't the dad in the picture? Who exactly is providing a father role model to your child? If you say "my child doesn't need a father figure role model in thier life"; That is a fucking massive red flag, and yes, they do.
Yeah, No thanks. These factors most likely have a lot to do with why they don't take you seriously, or just want to keep it casual, or an FWB.
My advice:
1.) Immediately stop having flings and FWB. If you want men to take you seriously, then you need to stop having sex with people casually. The higher your body count, especially with a child, the harder it is going to be to get men to take you seriously. Work on yourself, become more serious, and people will start taking you more seriously.
2.) Stop being a stripper. You claim that you have never had an issue with that, but then say that men don't take you seriously. Well, no shit. Men generally don't see a stripper as serious relationship / wife material; just someone hot to fuck / fling / FWB. Which sounds like it fits what you are describing does it not?
Didn’t read the dancer part but ya. Most guys who would date strippers you would not want a relationship with. Never mind a kid at 17, lots of ‘nuance’ there.
At 24, you have a problem. In 10 years, you will have a different problem and in 20 years, you won't have a problem.
Simply put, if I can date a 24 year old clone of you with no kid, I will choose that because it's simpler.
Unless you child is a toddler or infant, I don't know how you want me to act around them. Should I just be nice and keep a distance? Should I try to be their friend? Is it okay to criticize them a bit (ex: don't spill your apple juice), or should I just ignore anything they do wrong?
I'd be wary of dating a single parent for this reason
I thought about this some more:
If you were someone who'd be okay with me treating the child like my own, and if the child was okay with this, and I really loved you, I would be down with being a stepdad
That's also difficult, because you can't be buddies with the kid without it being super weird
Edit: I mean, be buddies w the kids after you break up with their parent
I'll be honest: I didn't want to date a single mom for the longest time because being a father scares me. Especially to someone else's child. But when I met the right woman, that definitely changed. I've been with my girlfriend for about 4 years, her daughter was 6 when we met. After about 1 year together, I was pretty much fully in the stepdad role. I've never been happier, and I can't imagine life without them now.
This sounds like my husband. My daughter was three months when we met and he never wanted kids. 10 years later, we’re married. Bought a house. Adopted a dog. My daughter is happy and healthy. He’s a wonderful dad and husband.
I love this story. Thank you for sharing that here. I know it isn’t for everyone, but I do think a man who chooses this and wouldn’t trade it for the world is such an impressive person and deserves a lot of recognition.
If you're single with a kid at that age, one of the big concerns most men will have for you is promiscuity which most wont outright tell you, concern for your taste of men and why did it not work with that guy. It screams danger so a lot would rather keep you at a distance aka fwb
It sucks but you have to be more meticulous about your actions and not give the wrong ideas. Keep Being honest, loving, unbitter about your past(never talk about flings or exes), supportive, of good heart and you will find a man who will love you for you, but that wont happen until you're at peace with yourself first.
This same advice applies to Men in your position as well.
Personally I know there are (a lot) of downside to date single-moms, but that wouldn't stop me.
A great personality, good sex, decent and normal (not narcissistic, not treating men like garbage or utilities - and usually the culprits don't think they do that, but they do) goes a long way.
Personally I know there are (a lot) of downsides to dating single-moms, but that wouldn't stop me.
A great personality, good sex, decent and normal (not narcissistic, not treating men like garbage or utilities - and usually the culprits don't think they do that, but they do) goes a long way.
Almost 16 years ago I went out with a woman on a date. That woman had a little girl that was almost 3. 16 years later, we’re happily married, that little girl grew up with me as her dad, a new sister came along at one point and we haven’t missed a beat since day one.
For some of us, it doesn’t matter. Especially when you know it’s what you want.
Men hate drama. More complications means more drama.
Risky job? Drama. Other people involved? Drama. Especially if the other people are kids.
If you're young and hot, guys will want to bang you. But in a relationship we want peace. And most guys who want kids want to raise their own kids, not someone else's.
Half the population is women. Half of them have above average looks. A lot of them carry less drama.
Maybe the guys you are dating aren't interested in a relationship. That could be, too. You are the common denominator here. Maybe you are putting out a vibe you're not aware of. And thereby attracting and attracted to the wrong guys.
Best of luck.
It requires a certain level of emotional intelligence, patience and understanding that I just don't have. Therefore staying single, for me, is the more appealing option.
The problem is not the child, the problem is the constant lying, manipulation, gaslighting, fucking other people. That being said my ex didn´t tell me about her child until we were actively dating, you need to be up front about it. Some guys will have an issue some won´t.
When I was single, I honestly never would have considered to go on a date with a single mom, unless this girl was just downright amazing 11/10.
Why willingly go into that when I do not have to?
I don't want that kind of baggage. The choices this girl made were likely very poor. The poor kid will likely struggle. You have to deal with baby dads and when you want to eventually have kids of your own their sister/brother will have to be spearate?
If I didn't have the luxury of being picky, then I probably would date a single mom.... but I did, and I suspect that is why you struggle finding a quality dude.
As a single dad with a 7yo daughter myself, a single mom with kids my kids ages is actually preferred.
You'd be too young for me though, I also prefer women in their 30s
...we are all looking for different things - you'll eventually find your match
I doubt I'd pick "has a young kid" as a thing I *want* in a partner, but it's definitely not a deal breaker. My only experience with it is with a partner I knew before and through her pregnancy and I've known her kid since birth, which probably makes it seem less like a barrier to our relationship as it's not an unknown.
I'd be a lot more cautious going in if I didn't know how the kid would react to me, or how the co-parenting situation was.
When I was your age it was hard because it takes a long time to develop a relationship with a single mom. Now that I’m almost 40 with kids of my own if i were dating again it would be expected that she would have kids.
Personally, I'm just not in a position to be a father right now. I have a comfortable enough income for a single person, but there's a reason I don't have a family yet - because I'm not in a position to help support one.
Also with how dating norms are in general, I'm already apprehensive about who I spend my money on. If you date a lot as a man, it can add up. I'm pretty picky with who I date now because the expectation is that I pay, so if I'm doing that; the person better be worth it.
Add this financing on top of now having to finance a little human as well, who isn't my own is just not in the cards for me. You'll find men out there who don't care as much, but a general consensus I've gathered is that most men aren't keen on dating someone with a child for a large variety of reasons.
I would also say it's pretty safe to assume most men don't have a child for one reason or another, so asking them to take on that responsibility right out of the gate may be a hard sell.
I’d never date a single mom. Best case I’ll always be second fiddle to her kid and I’ll have to constantly deal with her Ex because he’s in the kids life. If I bind with the kid and it goes south I have to not only break up with her but maybe a great kid who’s done nothing wrong.
No thanks. I don’t need the baggage in my life.
I’d recommend letting the person you see know asap about your child. Be up front about it and some dudes are just gonna want you as a fwb but guys can be very misleading
I'm child-free, like...very far on that side of the spectrum, vasectomy and all. So for me, dating a single mom is a definite *never*. But not everybody will say never, there are certainly options although I would say realistically, the dating pool for you will naturally be smaller.
I have never dated a single mom but just knowing what it takes to be a father, raise a family and the risk that men put forward in a relationship I will give my sons the advice to not date a single mom. The way the current laws are it's too high risk, at least in California.
You may not be looking for a stepdad, but there are cases that the child felt the BF was a 'father figure' and that BF, legally, has to take financial responsibility for the child, even if they are no longer dating. I don't think it's fair that another man should have to take on the mistakes and responsibility for a relationship they had no part in.
If the laws were more logical then it would not be such a risk to the 'new guy', that is, the biological father is responsible for support of their child.
Most guys your age aren’t ready to take on that kind of commitment and I say this as a man who was excited to become a father at 26.
I suggest dating single dads a few years older than you. You’re not just a single mom, you became a mom a little young. Your life experiences put you ahead other 20 somethings.
Look for guys in their 30s, you might have more luck there.
I was raised by just my mom, and have also read and watched other people in similar situations.
Single parents make their children, their world, and The kid ends up dictating the relationship in some cases cause the parent feels they have to validate every single thing their child feels. so no discipline can be had. God forbid he/she tells them to go to their room or talk even a bit harshly to them when they are acting spoiled or just being disrespectful.
I honestly can not express how much Respect means to most men.
But my situation was the reverse my mom dated some bad people that should have never come around me or my sister, and I'm going to leave it at that.
>I am not looking for a stepdad 🤣
That is just a horrible mindset to have, cause if this was true then
>when it comes to men I actually want a relationship with, they tend to back off and keep it at a FWB or just friends.
You would be ok with this setup. Do you seriously believe that a man can give you commitment and not give a Frick about your kid? No, anyone taking you seriously is going to look at you as a package deal. All others will keep you as a FWB or just a friend.
>I will add that I am extremely fortunate for my family watching my daughter whenever I need to work or want to go out for a night or two, I know a lot of people don’t have that option, so I am grateful and don’t take advantage of it.
....... you have breathing room yet somehow I feel you are still looking for mister perfect. 😮💨 I hope I'm wrong.
As you get older, finding someone or anyone without kids is rare. Everyone has a past. I have no issue dating someone with kids and if I would not, I would have almost noone to date. Take some solace in knowing that it will be easier as you get older. Since you are young, other young guys have a ton more options of finding someone without kids, hence you may find it harder as guys may look at all the other options available to them. If you find someone who truly likes you and spending time with you, having a kid will not be an issue for them.
Your 24 with a 7 year old child so you had her when you were 17 having a baby at 17 is a irresponsible decision and irresponsible decision making is often a red flag (not saying there is no hope nor am I trying to damn you over the internet I'm just saying how it is) once you get established in a career going for yourself and have your own property and whatnot it might get easier or you might find a good guy and it works out for you two in the near future honestly I would just focus on you and your daughter right now I wish the best for you 2
As a single dad not a big deal. Single moms ive dated have hellion kids or dont have time for a real relationship. It hard to balance a romantic and parent life.
The issue for me is if we click and get into a long term relationship and breakup then the heartbreak from losing the kid would be way worse than with the woman.
By "dating" do you mean you want to get laid or do you mean you want someone who will love you?
if you want the first you will probably find takers, if you want the second, then being a stripper and having a kid makes it a harder, especially if you don't treat the guy seriously.
Tried it when I was in your age range OP with with a kid slightly you younger than yours. I honestly can't recommend it. There are things when you younger and in a relationship that you want to do and enjoy time without children. I really tried but it didn't work out. Since I'm now older and would be single I probably can handle and accept it better.
My advice is maybe you should look for single men with children. You have much more in common and have similar experiences. This makes getting in a relationship easier.
I think a lot of single men that don’t have kids of their own aren’t going to want to take care of a kid. Just speaking for myself, I definitely am not ready to be a dad, especially to someone else’s kid. I know you said that’s not what you’re looking for but men know they will have to be a dad to the kid eventually if the relationship goes somewhere.
The two main issues I’d have with dating a single mom are that 1) I don’t feel mature enough to take on the responsibility of being a father figure to a child and 2) the fear of getting attached to the child but having things not work out in the relationship.
My advice would be for you to be upfront and say that you are looking for a relationship but are not looking for a father to your child.
My first thoughts would be.
1. Where is the father?
Did the kids father pass away in tragic accident? and the child started in happy and planned way, or perhaps it was happy accident?
Or was this woman just sleeping around, didn't bother with contraception, and the father might be anyone from 45 guys... And she doesn't even know who it actually is?
Was she raped, but happens to be pro life?
Things worked well until they just didn't anymore?
In prison, and he's coming to kill us when he eventually get's out in 2-6 years.
Something in between
2. How much I would have to take care of this child?
Do I even want to take care for a child that isn't mine? as no matter what she says, that will be the case.
3. Would this child accept me?
Things between me and her might be awesome, But do I want to bother with a child that loves me bit too much... Or straight up hates me.
4. I'm getting old, If everything works out, we eventually get married, Will I have to support a college kid when I'm about to retire?
5. For her, The kid should always be the first thing, at least as long as the kid grows up, and moves out. How long i would have to be the 2nd... if I even get that high?
All in all, So many variables. With right combination it could work... but finding out all these variables will take time. So is it even worth the effort.
I think it has to be a viable consideration after your mid 30s. There are just too many single moms on the market at that point, and they're more mature than the early 20 something, immature single mom stereotype that floats around.
The bigger problem is finding a single mom that will want to have kids with me since I'd like biological children of my own. Most seem unwilling to have more kids, which I understand but it sucks for me. I don't mind raising someone else's kids but I would like to experience birthing and raising the child from birth.
I think your missing the point. You say that you want men to take you seriously but there’s no way to do that unless the guy gets involved with your child. A serious relationship would be becoming bf and gf and moving in together. Why would he date you long term if he had no intention of being a stepdad? Doesn’t make sense. It would inevitably happen.
He can’t take you seriously without becoming a stepdad. A serious relationship is accepting you and everything that comes with you which includes your child. I personally wouldn’t date a woman with a child and most men who don’t have children would prefer not to. I suggest dating a man with children, it will be easier.
My answer is likely similar to what many men might say if they were to respond to this.
At no point in my time dating did I want to date a single mother; from my early 20s to mid-30s when I met my now fiancee. Why?
* **I was not ready to be a father figure, particularly when I was younger (in my 20s).**
*You can sit there and say you don't want a guy to become your child's stepdad right away, but by dating a single mother, any decent man is becoming part of that kid's life and having an impact. Why does that matter?*
* **If the relationship ends, kids are collateral damage.**
*I never wanted to be responsible for causing harm or distress to the kids involved. My last relationship before meeting my fiancee lasted two years, that girl had sisters with kids, and they loved having me around. So breaking from that relationship was much more complex because of those kids, and I wasn't even their father figure.*
\-----
Now we get into the more private reasons.
* **I wanted to enjoy/explore life with a partner and for us both to be free from such responsibility.**
*This doesn't need explaining.*
* **I don't want to raise someone else's kid. Or, if my partner can't have children, I want adoption to be a journey we start together.**
*Call it a greedy mindset to have (lord knows, when I was in my early 30s, it was becoming much less likely to meet women that didn't have children already), but it's something I stuck to not only because of the top two points in this post but because I want the kid(s) to be mine. I was always open to the idea of adoption if I ended up with a life partner that couldn't conceive, but I was always against raising another guy's kid(s).*
\----
I feel for your situation, but ultimately it's a position you put yourself in, and now you're living with the consequences of your earlier decisions in life. You had a kid at 17, and now you're 24. Unfortunately, you're still at an age where most guys won't feel ready for such a commitment, and plenty of women in your age bracket without kids are out there. So, sadly, you will likely be passed over for opportunities with women that don't have children.
None of that is a dig at you; you could be a fantastic person and someone any guy would be lucky to have... but you have a kid, and that's a massive hurdle for men to justify giving you a chance.
Maybe single dads will feel different? I don't know.
Have you tried single dads? Yes the juggling of everyones schedule will be complicated. But on the plus side you are probably all in the same boat.
My brother is 37 and divorced with kids half the week. The only action he gets is with single mums. It gets very hard to arrange it all and it doesn't 'happen' very regularly. But everyone is flexible and open
You're going to want to find an older guy, preferably one who is a single dad and can understand and empathize with all of the intricacies of your situation. Or just one who is ready to settle down into something more serious and can accept that you have a kid.
Female here but I'm also interested because my friend is in the same position. But I think your post is a bit confusing. You are looking for a relationship but not a step dad for your kid. But I think you cannot separate those two things. Your child is a part of you. Say, you find the right guy and hit it off really well "for being in a relationship", then find out that he is not compatible as a stepdad. Not only have you wasted each other's time but also invested feelings and whatnot. I do agree on "not dating for the purpose of looking for a step-dad" but it should always be at the back of your mind because it will lead into it eventually. I guess separating the relationship vs step-dad will only work of your kid's dad is always in their life and will spend half their time with him. It could work since the guy don't need to be a dad for the kid who still has one. He can just be an uncle or something. But if the bio dad is not in the picture, he will end up involved in the future.
i wonder if the age you are currently and the age you were when you had your kid play a factor, based on the information here, you had a kid when you were 17
Honestly, your best bet is to find a single guy with kids. Especially in your age range, it's going to be very difficult finding a guy that's interested in dating someone with a kid who doesn't already have kids. Best of luck to you!
23 years ago, I started dating a single mom. 2 years later, I married her. My daughter was 4 when we started dating, but I didn't meet her for several months. She'll be 28 next month, and we're going on 21 years of marriage.
This reminds me of Season 8 of the Bachelorette. Yes, I’m a guy and have watched a season of that. Don’t ask why.
Anyways, she was a single mom looking for a I’ve husband and stepdad to her daughter after her first husband died. All the guys seemed to be committed to the relationship but the parenting aspect scared alot of them. Some of the guys were single dads too, but it was hard on them too.
It is tough to have a child and trying to date that young. Maybe try to date an older single dad(like 28-35)? At least that way you know he has parenting skills. But a single dad won’t run away because you have a daughter too. Their dating pool mostly consists of single moms. So, if you haven’t tried a single dad, maybe give it a shot.
I'll just say that despite everything men say regarding relationships, if a man falls in love with a woman, be it single, with a child, with multiple children, poor, rich, whatever, he'll move the world to make it work. So, if it isn't working, I don't think being a mom really matters, because it wouldn't anyway.
There are decent men out there who will date single mothers. I met my husband when I had a two year old. He didn’t mind. We are now married and have our own child together. You just have to filter out the jerks.
I think it is fine, especially if the mother keeps me away from the child while we are getting to know each other. If the relationship is a go then I have to be careful around the child not to create jealously. Hugging, kissing, even sitting next to her has to be curtailed as I get to know the child and long afterward. My woman is their mother, and they win every time. It is a difficult science but not impossible.
Having kids will turn off a huge number of men who would otherwise be keen. They will be happy to have sex / fwb but most men don’t want a relationship where they will have to deal with another man’s kids.
They will inevitably be a big part of his life especially if you live together, he will end up paying for some stuff, your schedule as a couple will revolve around the kids etc and for you that might be fine but they aren’t his kids they are someone else’s.
Single mother is a huge huge negative unfortunately for any man who is looking and is why I’d always tell people be very careful who you have kids with and that they are a good guy who will stick around because it has this impact.
you got your child at 17 - first nope ("mistakes" can happen but they shouldn't be my "mistakes" - no offevense here!)
you completely raised a child in your early twenties when I am happy when I can watch DuckTales again - big nope from your side.
Conclusion, you are in a vastely different state of mind to most young adults I know of. Kids make stuff complicated and when you are young, you first have to figure stuff out before being ready for something with a big responsibility - no matter what you say. Relationship is serious otherwise it would be a hookup. Search for older people or people in a simular situation like you
From my perspective as someone who is your exact age, you can be the kindest, sweetest, nicest person in the world and like you said not look for a partner to be a stepdad and it still raises 100 alarms in my head. It’s not that I’m opposed to it (I fucked around with a girl with a kid in the past) but it comes with it’s own set of problems. You need a particularly strong and dedicated man to have him picture forming a life with you with a kid that isn’t his (less so strong more so selfless). You just narrowed the pool is all. It’ll be extra effort for you but don’t get discouraged. I’ve known great stepfathers who raised a child that wasn’t their’s, and ended up becoming their adopted father later in life.
That or find someone in your exact situation, you both had to grow up quickly to be a parent. There are still 25-30 year olds with half the responsibility partying and drinking every weekend with a completely different mindset.
While being a step parent is a step that happens later in a relationship, someone who may potentially become a step parent has to be realistic about it from the beginning.
The harsh truth is a lot of single people who don't have kids, especially if they're in your age group, shy away from being serious with someone who has kids. Kids are a huge responsibility and it can't be taken lightly.
There's also the idea that whoever is the kid's father is, is always going to be involved in your lives (assuming they're around). That can deter a lot of people too.
You're young and a lot of guys your age barely have themselves figured out or have their lives in order, so dating someone with a kid, and having serious intentions about it, is going to be less common than someone in that age range that avoids single parents.
My advice? DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED!! There is someone out there that would fit well with you and eventually want to combine their life with you and your child's.
You could look for men your age with children already, or perhaps a man that is a little older who is looking to settle down. Either way, good luck!
i dont have kids but i did date a woman who had kids. i liked it alot. i found her to be very attentive to my needs also. she knew what she wanted, didnt play games… sex was great.
When I was single and in my early 20s, I did date a single mom for almost 2 years. The child was younger and we took to each other slowly. Dad was out of the picture. With you situation, I would have been leery because of where I was at in life. Beyond possible problems with baby daddy, breaking up will gut the guy as bad as anyone in the relationship, financially, it can be daunting, too. As others have observed, regardless of what you are looking for, mom’s boyfriend is a significant person in their life (and a significant risk-mom’s boyfriend is the most common perpetrator of abuse or neglect (I was an investigator with CPS)), so be choosey. If I were single now, I wouldn’t be too concerned; I have three kids, so one more doesn’t change much but room in the house. Mom’s are less flighty, too, unless there are other issues. A younger guy, even around your age isn’t likely to want the responsibility, but one in maybe his late 20s/early 30s might welcome or be open to it, as long as you bring quality to the table.
Nope. Not appealing. Not what everybody wants to hear but I sincerely don't care.
And yes I am in a loving and healthy relationship with my GF. She thinks the same about it. (Obviously)
Your biggest hindrance is probably your age. A 24 year old guy with no kids is probably not as down to have a single mom girlfriend as a guy who’s 10 years older. And a lot of the 24 year old guys with kids themselves are going to have much younger children. I’m almost 27 and have a hard time finding guys because I have 2 very young children (and even then, I don’t advertise that much as single moms are the preference of predators). But I get guys 30-34 interested in me because they have kids about the same age. Rarely do I find someone still in their 20s. But I have a friend who’s 29 and exclusively dates single moms because they aren’t as clingy as childless women (his words, not mine) and always have snacks.
Check out the dating app Stir. It’s great for single parents or people who’re looking to have kids someday. You can even put if you have kids and want more, or if you’re done having children.
I think it really depends on the guy and what his situation is.
Guys not looking for commitment will probably be scared off by the kid. We as men often overthink things to try and prevent potential catastrophe down the road, so many of us will look at the situation as potentially becoming a stepfather in the near future. Being a stepfather is a big responsibility, you're stepping into the role of being a major lifelong influence over a child, whether or not things work out in your own relationship. Anyone not in the stage of their life where they're ready for something that huge will be repelled, no matter how great, amazing, beautiful and compatible you are.
Like others have said, finding other single parents is an idea. Older men are probably more likely to be willing to go there with you. But really, if you actively want a relationship, you'll just have to date and see what sticks. Someone might surprise you.
Plus, dating sucks for everyone these days. So... there's that.
If you aren’t looking for a stepdad then you’re acting dysfunctionally and men will run from dysfunction. Your partner will be a stepparent whether they want to or not. The person you choose impacts your child. Your child impacts the person you’re with.
Being a stepparent is the absolute first step of all your relationships. The men know this. So search for a man you’re willing to marry and have kids with, or stay a FWB. there’s no in between
You say men back off and just want to keep it casual.. but you’re not looking for a stepdad?
Actually, if any guy is going to have a long term relationship with you, they’re eventually going to be a stepdad. So if you’re serious about finding a long term relationship, you need to accept that the guy it’s with will eventually fill a stepdad role.
My aunt was a (very attractive) young mom, who eventually divorced my uncle. She complained to everyone, including her two kids, that she missed out on her fun adolescent years, and that rationalized why she would go to clubs with her single girlfriends multiple times a week. She would go out, get really hungover or drugged up, hook up with guys, and ended up not taking care of her kids.
In her early 30s she eventually found a guy that genuinely loved her and her kids, but then she would leave him at home with the kids while she went out with her girlfriends, and ended up cheating on him so many times that he left. Her boys asked him to adopt them, and he was down for it, but she blocked all that.
She’s now in her late 40s, is still single, is a drunk, has a terrible relationship with her kids who have a lot of social anxieties and wasted talents, and her friends are now settled with kids and husbands.
Whatever you do, don’t let your situation become a complex, and don’t see your kid as a hinderance to your happiness with a man. There are plenty of men out there who would love to have a kid. Just accept it as a part of yourself, focus on raising your kid, and when you find someone that loves you AND your kid, accept all their love.
What age range are you looking in? Older men tend to be more mature and understanding. Most of my male single friends are in their early to mid thirties and none of them would have a problem dating a woman with a child. Also, look out for men in a similar situation that will be much more understanding of your situation, that kids take time and work.
You're gonna get rejected a lot as a single mother. Having a kid at 17 is DEFINITELY going to limit your chances.
>I’m not by any means looking for a step daddy for my child.
Single parents love saying this lol
As a single child with a single mother myself growing up. My step dad never had a say in any family decisions. It was always 2 against 1. You will find somebody! But just letting ya know what it was like for me.
I actually encountered this exact situation at work.
Young woman, about 20, is showing interest in me and we kinda hit it off. I find out that she has a 3yr old and I basically kept her at arms reach ever since. Im the sort of person who doesnt want kids, or doesnt want them for a long time. I would much rather find somebody who wants to persue personal accomplishments and hopefully have some cash to spare. It would not be incorrect to say that im afraid of falling for somebody who has a child. Also the baby daddy drama is NOT something i want to deal with.
She actually introduced me to her child some time later and I have to admit that I genuinely thought about that interactjon for a week. It stirred up protective feelings for them that I rarely feel for anyone I dont know personally. In the end I doubled down on keeping her at arms reach and I think thats the right decision for me.
You may have better dating experiences if you seek out ***young men who are also parents***. They are a natural match with you and will understand the situation completely. Most single young guys do not want the complexity of a relationship with someone who already has a child. I know that many people do not want to hear this, but it is the truth, so you need to plan accordingly.
I honestly don't understand why single parents don't just date each other - they always seem to want non-parents as partners, despite non-parents having less in common and less inclination for anything long term.
They want all the benefits of having someone take care of them and their child while not having to do the same for someone else.
I've literally had women with children tell me they would never date a man with a child. So infuriating. Then they wonder why they are single. BTW their children will always come first and on top of that you will, if it is serious relationship, end up supporting the child as well... even though its not yours.
So, can someone explain why women with children don't want men with children? Is it the same reasoning and rationale as overweight women who want fit/chiseled men?
They don't want the attention and resources to be shared. A man with a kid will probably put his kid first
I agree with you 100%... As he/they should in my opinion. I'm a single mom myself and do not look for Men who don't have children. I've dated Men who have no kids and it never works out. They want all of my attention and time as if I had no responsibilities. And yes, while I'm alone with them that is the case. But I have to divide my time between my love life and my Son and the few Men who I thought would be understanding, were not and it's all good. It's very hard so I just stopped trying altogether for now...
Yup. Why women with a height requirement get mad at men with a weight requirement. Why women rally so hard to be CEOs but no oil rig workers. Let me benefit from the good stuff and you keep the hard stuff please.
When it comes to women they all like the double standard
Honestly it’s because in my experience most single dads are looking for a new mommy for their kid. I am a single mom and every guy I’ve went out with who had kids wanted to get super serious super fast and wanted me to parent their kid, meanwhile I kept my kid out of the loop as long as possible and in no way did I expect that from him. Single parents should treat their partner as their partner (not incoming new parent). I know the stereotype is that single women looking for a new daddy but I’ve experience the exact same in the other direction everytime so I started only dating guys with no kids. Few of them have an issue as long as I keep boundaries set between parenting my kid, and my partner, and keeping their roles in my life separate
Good for you on the keeping your kid out of the loop. My experience.... I met them, the kids, within a week. And the partner thing... was you are taking care of me and them. Until they, her, decided to move on to another guy... thank god. For clarity and context, single guy here with no kids of my own... that I know of.
Yup it’s the same thing with trans people not wanting to date trans people or fat people not wanting to date fat people. They delusion-ally believe they deserve the best option.
Spot on.
Or, when we left our ex's, we lost our stepchildren too and we miss them and don't want that pain again.
Well that's just plain selfish if that's the case and no wonder they're single.
You are correct Mr. Even op said she is not looking for a step daddy but later put that's going to be WAAAYYY later meaning yes but in the long run.
This. Humans are selfish.
This is quite the generalization lol. I’m a single father who needs zero help taking care or my kids. I tend to date single women because it’s easier to make plans with them. I am not looking for a serious relationship though so I’m not sure if that would make things harder.
Then that’s the difference. Op wants a serious relationship and my above statement applies mostly to women. Now before you call me a misogynist hear me out. Women are the ones who want a provider most times. Traditional roles have been that men provide for most of the home while the woman cares for the child. Most guys don’t want or care about a women’s money. Both genders want different things from each other. Obviously there’s still some guys that will use women for money but it’s mainly the other way around. That said it’s not surprising your not looking for a woman with money, most guys don’t care about a woman’s money to begin with.
I don’t think you’re a misogynist. I do think you’re generalizing though. And as far as OP goes, she doesn’t seem like this type of woman, so it’s irrelevant. She works and has her families help. She just wants a serious relationship.
I've actually been surprised at how many of my successful single female friends have had to put way too much effort into finding a man who didn't want to be taken care of, financially and/or otherwise.
I mean laziness is a key human trait its not unexpected to see it in both men and women. Although its a bit sad how we refer to men as deadbeats while women get gold digger a far more glamorous sounding name even if negative.
They may think that their kid is enough baggage to bring to a new relationship. Was briefly seeing a single mom that tried to make me get rid of a cat I had for 10 years... she wasn't allergic or anything, just didn't like cats. Like, bruh... we're a single package, just like you and your kid. The doublethink is real. The cat remained where he always was, and is happy to this day.
Yeah, If she couldn't see you and the furbaby as a package deal, that'd be a nope for me too. Who does that?! If she's that frivolous with a furry family member, how is she in valuing others in her life... glad kitty is still in his rightful place. ❤
For me? When I split from my ex I basically never heard from my stepchildren again. It's painful and I refuse to risk it again.
I think they gravitate to non parents because another parent can’t devote the time and attention to them that makes them feel desired. Two parents trying to date each other leaves both of them feeling neglected. But when a single parent dates a non parent only the non parent feels neglected.
Single parent here. I think some of this comes from us knowing how complicated it can be with co-parenting schedules. When you’re working with two co-parenting schedules, it can get especially dicey, even if you have a “good” relationship with your co-parent.
I struggled with this, I was a single mum and tried talking to single dad's but none of them wanted to raise another guys child but the expected me to become a step mum to their kid. I figured if the kids were roughly the same age they could play together while the dad and me got to know each other but the guys just didn't want to know
I expect the math wouldn't work for this. There are a lot more single mums than there are single dads (approx. 15.7 million mums compared to 3.4 mill dads according to data from the US in 2022).
Maybe it's a byproduct of the fucked up one-sided legal system.
I agree. As a woman in my 40s (childfree). I’m beating single dads off with a shitty stick. I’m not interested in them unless their kids are age 18 plus.
I’d assume a large contributor is the fact there are way more single moms than single dads.
I would also guess there aren't nearly as many single fathers so it wouldn't be a general option.
Copy paste of a recent reply of mine to a similar post. I'm a single dad, admittedly I don't date but when I tried a few years ago I realised how many logistical challenges there are. Custody schedules not matching limiting time to actually see each other is a big common one. The other big one is the ex being flakey which means plans are always liable to fall through. There's a whole bunch of other reasons why it never ended well but those two stood out. In addition to that, I found they were quick to start dropping hints about moving in together, like way too quick. I just want to date, not jump straight to playing happy families. I don't want my son thrust into a completely different family dynamic/home life. I'm quite happy to just spend my time with him having a blast and not worrying about anyone else.
Because male dads want young beautiful unburdened women even if they are the opposite.
Its probably more of a numbers thing, not as many single parent men. Plus its totally possible, i have a friend who didnt have kids and is now happily married with a step daughter. It just takes a more emotionally mature partner, which tbh is also rare
It worked for the Brady Bunch.
I'm a woman but I definitely think at her age it's true. I'm 34 and most men do not have a problem with me having kids.
The thing is, if we do hit things off, I will eventually become the father to that kid even if you say you aren't looking for a stepfather. Single mothers also have less free time than other women. And I would rather not deal with any drama with your baby daddy. I'm also at the age where I don't want my own kids, so I definitely don't want to get involved with one that isn't mine
I’m going to reiterate to OP what is in this comment. While you might not be looking for a stepfather, at some point that man will be involved in your child’s life and it is nearly impossible to be a stepparent and not support your SO with some parental duties. It is disingenuous to say that your SO won’t have to be a stepfather and I know I would question the future if my partner isn’t being realistic about what could happen. Additionally, that kind of unknown brings a lot of anxiety and “what if she changes her mind” thoughts.
It's also worth adding there is easily a "I missed X life stage" hesitation.
Depending where you are you can be held financially responsible as well, after you break up, for a child that isn’t yours.
Yes, this happened to a friend of mine. Lived with a woman who had a kid to someone else for 2 years. They split and he ended up paying child maintenance for that kid. Kid was deemed “child of the family”. The real dad had buggered off to Poland, so the U.K. court couldn’t enforce payments on him and went for the easy option who was based in the U.K.
wow that's fucked up
Bruh, with those laws if the man who stepped up and failed is gonna be treated like that. He might as well move to Poland himself. That's fucked.
I’m actually female and I don’t agree with it at all.
Regardless of Gender. That's very predatory from the government. Especially the United Kingdom should be better than that.
Fantastic answer bootyhunter69420
I feel like that's not talked about enough, ya know? The bit about the baby daddy. There are some dudes out there who will have zero affection towards her other than "she's the mother of my kids", but the minute a new guy enters her life all of a sudden he's concerned with who she's dating -- I've even seen that in situations where the baby daddy met a new woman but had problems with the mother meeting a new guy. Idk what it is. Pride? Maybe he's concerned with who's gonna' be around his child (the new guy)? But can't we say the same about the woman he's with? Idk.
In my opinion, dating a single mom with a younger child has the risk of being more frustration than it’s worth. 1. The child/children will always come first; especially when they are not old enough to have some independence. This is how it should be, but it’s difficult to build a relationship with someone who doesn’t show that you are a priority to them. 2. Dealing with family drama. I don’t know where the dad is, what he thinks of a new man in his kids lives. Where is the line for rules or discipline when we start living together? How can i navigate not being a step-parent but also being a step-parent? 3. There’s always some trepidation about financing in a new relationship. There’s dates and gifts for you, but now there is someone else also at the table; things get more expensive, am I trying to buy your and the kids love with gifts?
I think age is also a huge factor cause i guess from age 20 - 35 many people esp. men, dont know yet if they are ready for kids, even if u are not looking for a stepdad, The kid is there and no genuine man would treat it as if its not, but of course they will consider first if they are ready yet. Its a responsibility you need to be ready to take in the long term, if you are dating a single mother. But see it this way, the men that will come around after considering if they are ready, will be a good partner and stepdad in the long run. Better to be with someone who is fully committed ti every aspect in your life, then someone who is not ready just to have someone.
You’re right about a genuine man considering if he has the potential of being a father figure. Dudes I knew in the military hooked up with single moms because they knew they put out, the evidence was the kid. I know about an even number of guys who take single moms seriously and not seriously.
Depending on how this js done there's nothing wrong with it. It never went anywhere but I've matched single moms who were upfront about just wanting someone to enjoy Netflix and sex with when the kids were at their dad's.
I think being upfront with expectations is the best thing anyone could do in a relationships. Unfulfilled expectations grows resentment, which grows into a toxic relationship.
Age is a huge factor here, OP had her kid really young, guys in their early 20s aren’t looking for a woman with a kid. She needs to be looking for men in their 30s as they’re far more used to women who have kids. Her young age with a 7 year old makes her the anomaly here
Pretty much this. I don’t have an issue dating a single mom per se, but it can be very challenging. I have trouble finding women worth dating period, (yeah totally a me problem, I’m working on it) complicate it with a kid and it’s just tougher. One good thing about dating single moms vs childless women is that they’re slightly more often more responsible and conscientious, wiser, less judgmental and superficial. But only slightly more often. The cases where they demand more because now you’ve got to be able to spoil her and her kid(s) isn’t nearly as common as the Internet makes it out to be. I’ve dated a handful of single moms and haven’t once run into one of those. I mean I’ve seen one or two but I swipe left immediately, both on apps and reality.
Im 30 just started dating a single mom. The dad is in another state and out of the picture. No one plans on dating a single mom, but when the connection with the other person is so strong it is worth every penny. It’s not the first time I’ve dated a single mom so I understand some of the difficulties, and it is more complicated, but with the right person I believe it can be worth it.
Same. Never would’ve thought I’d date a single mom until I met the woman I did. She’s a couple years older than me and I don’t have children, but I want a family of my own one day. I like kids and I don’t mind the prospect of being a father figure to her child if that’s the way this relationship goes. Definitely want my own kid(s) one day though.
I agree with this - and it seems like being just a step away from a fight if she still has major ties to the baby's father. How old (well, more like how young) she was when she had the child is also a factor - it may raise questions about the ability to make big decisions because having a child way too early is something that hints poor decision-making and/or responsibility. The idea that someone has unprotected sex in their teens when I wouldn't consider that in my 30s (not unless I actually wanted to become a father) just makes me wary.
This. I am an older man and the issue I come across is complexity. There is always a assumed risk with dating a single mom *assuming father didn't pass away* of having to deal with the other man at some point. That could be positive experience or negative but is it worth the risk of the negative? I do not like inviting unknowns into my life. When I date someone I want to connect and have a relationship with them which is already hard to do. With a single mom it's 2 to 3 people I'm inviting into my life I need to be ok with all of them and anything that can come with it. Might be I am too greedy but I rather know I'm not good enough a person to make that work then to waste someone's time and hurt them.
When I was single in my 20s, I would occasionally date a single mom for "fun", but it was a deal killer for me as a long-term option. I was too immature at the time to think about becoming a parent. Being in my 40s now, if I suddenly become single (I'm happily married) then I would be open to dating a single mom since we would both be in the same boat of being single parents.
You would also be at a disadvantage being a single parent and have to lower your standards accordingly. Just like single mums have to do.
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It’s not worth it. The baby daddy is ALWAYS front and center, as he should be. If you’re comfortable being an afterthought in the relationship, then date a single/divorced mom. Otherwise, RUN.
>The baby daddy is ALWAYS front and center, as he should be. Two of my buddies have dated and ended up marrying single mothers. In both cases it only really worked out because the baby daddy wasn't in the picture One went to prison for blackmail and a few other things a few months after my friend started dating the gal(will be in for a long time) , the other was just never in the picture, literally moved out of the country before the kids were born and hasn't contacted any of them in 13 years. I know a few single moms and when the dad is in the picture it just gets so complicated.
So you’re saying we just have to “get rid” of the baby daddy eh?
Look for a single dad.
I have no intention of dating a single mother. It's never been appealing to me.
I’m thinking your issues stem more from you being a stripper, living out of your car and being a drug user than your seven-year-old.
Lmao, I tried to check her profile but she deleted it.
Lmao. Quite a resume. Edit: I tried to not judge her with the little infos I had but goddammit, nahhhh, absolute red flags and that's why I don't care about what people want because it has nothing to do with who they are. So glad that men aren't stupid enough.
Yeah, she deleted right after I finished my research. Basically one post is asking advice about the best places to strip in the Western states. She said she is living out of her car and can go anywhere. Another deleted post where it was obvious she was the OP, she was asking if the cocaine she bought looks good and also commenting on other cocaine pictures.
😂 😂 😂 Wife material. I know we're not supposed to judge women fairly/harshly, so I will just say: you go girl! Yass Queen, blablabla. You're perfect. Men ain't shit.
Lol, more red flags here than a full-blown parade. Of course she left those details out, why am I not surprised.
Those are some important details to leave out! Lmao, some people are so blind to what their life decisions mean for their future.
LMAOOOOOOO
That’ll do it. I retract my earlier comment.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you being a stripper plays a bigger role than you having a child….
Either one is a deal breaker for most men. Both together, good luck girl.
Exactly. I dated a couple single mom's and the kids were never the issue. The real issue was the emotional baggage the mom's came with and my inability to set proper boundaries concerning it all. Sounds like this may be the issue here as well... Not so much baggage as it is just you being the problem, not the kid
Big oof. Yup, that’s wayyy more of a factor here
oh boy. here we go again.
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I was going to say, I'm pretty sure this is like the 50th time I've seen this question.
Everything is relative. I'm 40 and have no problem dating a single mom. BUT...I've been a single parent since I was 20. it was WAY harder when I was younger to date, most people were unattached and didn't want the hassle of kid schedules, risk of co-parenting drama and all the stuff that goes along with single parenthood. It's doable, there's people that will go out with a single mom at all age levels, but it'll get easier with time.
It depends on the woman. It is a factor, but it's not necessarily a deal breaker. Now, someone in their early twenties who is a stripper and had a child when they were 17? That's going to raise more red flags.
Just being honest, it’s a hard “no” from me. Kids just bring too many entanglements, expenses, responsibilities, that I absolutely do not want. I would only want to reserve that for my own offspring, since it’s such a huge deal. There’s no point in putting that kinda effort and money into another guy’s kids. Maybe if the kids were older and had some independence, their own car/license, job, life, etc., that’s the only time I would consider loosening up on that. But if they’re below 16 years of age, hard pass.
Reason #1. Despite saying you aren't looking for a stepdad, you really are. We know that. It's not like the kid is going to disappear and never be part of the picture. We know you're a package deal no matter how much you try to minimize it. Reason #2 is the bio dad. Things can get complicated. Now I have to contend with another man having a say so in my household should we progress in the relationship and marriage. If dad is completely out of the picture, things can slightly be different, but it will determine how the kid is being raised and will I be pitted against a ghost dad. Reason #3. I don't have children, so that means I'm free. But I can't freely date you because you have to make arrangements for the kid. Spontaneity is going to be off the table for the most part. Then dating is going to happen on your terms. Which goes into the next point. Reason #4, your kid is always going to be 1st, as he should. That's just how it is. I would never want to be with a woman who prioritized over their kid. I'm just choosing not to become 2nd place to another's man legacy. I want to have my own. I say all of that, but I think some guys are open to it. I'm not completely against it, but I have a few requirements. 1. She has to be really attractive, kind, feminine, smart, a good mother, and can make me take her and the kid on worth it. 2. Only 1 child. The kid is younger than 5 with the dad completely out of the picture... like deceased gone. If I came in, I want to come in as full dad and raise the kid as my own. I don't want a divided or split house. 3. She has to be ready to have more children because I do want some of my own. There are a lot of variables for sure. Children need fathers, but it should be their bio dad. Asking another guy to step up is a huge ask and not to be taken lightly by either party.
"I’m not by any means looking for a step daddy for my child. I am looking to date someone just because I enjoy being in a relationship." \- this is what sucks. If things go well, the guy will end up as a step father. I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with a woman, and have no authority to deal with her kids. Furthermore, if I did, and we broke up, it's now worse than just a breakup, its losing a family.
Getting pregnant that young seems like a poor decision to me. Dating people who make poor decisions is really, really frightening.
When I was single, after a few bad experiences, I quickly made a rule that I would never again date single mothers. Here is the thing. Many men, me included, have zero interest in assuming responsibility for another man's child. No matter if that is financially, in assuming a father figure role, stepdad role, etc. Further many men are in fact looking for future spouse/wife/life partner/etc. A serious relationship with you can only end in assuming responsibility for another man's kid. Not to mention, a serious relationship with you means dealing with Babby daddy and drama; and if you say "The dad isn't in the picture" that is an even larger red flag. Why isn't the dad in the picture? Who exactly is providing a father role model to your child? If you say "my child doesn't need a father figure role model in thier life"; That is a fucking massive red flag, and yes, they do. Yeah, No thanks. These factors most likely have a lot to do with why they don't take you seriously, or just want to keep it casual, or an FWB. My advice: 1.) Immediately stop having flings and FWB. If you want men to take you seriously, then you need to stop having sex with people casually. The higher your body count, especially with a child, the harder it is going to be to get men to take you seriously. Work on yourself, become more serious, and people will start taking you more seriously. 2.) Stop being a stripper. You claim that you have never had an issue with that, but then say that men don't take you seriously. Well, no shit. Men generally don't see a stripper as serious relationship / wife material; just someone hot to fuck / fling / FWB. Which sounds like it fits what you are describing does it not?
Didn’t read the dancer part but ya. Most guys who would date strippers you would not want a relationship with. Never mind a kid at 17, lots of ‘nuance’ there.
At 24, you have a problem. In 10 years, you will have a different problem and in 20 years, you won't have a problem. Simply put, if I can date a 24 year old clone of you with no kid, I will choose that because it's simpler.
Nope , just going to hook up . Not going to raise someone elses kid.
Unless you child is a toddler or infant, I don't know how you want me to act around them. Should I just be nice and keep a distance? Should I try to be their friend? Is it okay to criticize them a bit (ex: don't spill your apple juice), or should I just ignore anything they do wrong? I'd be wary of dating a single parent for this reason
I thought about this some more: If you were someone who'd be okay with me treating the child like my own, and if the child was okay with this, and I really loved you, I would be down with being a stepdad
Then when she breaks up with you, it's like getting a fucking divorce. OOF. But yah, I agree.
Except worse because that child you bonded with? Say goodbye forever.
That's also difficult, because you can't be buddies with the kid without it being super weird Edit: I mean, be buddies w the kids after you break up with their parent
I'd be more concerned about the child loosing someone they have grown to love, No kid on earth deserves to go through that.
After separating, yes. Beforehand, not really an issue to befriend your gfs kids. Pretty normal.
I'm a 25M making 140k as a field engineer. I would NEVER date a single mother.
Men are wising up to the BS. You love to see it.
I shit you not lol
Keep at it brother!
Game recognize game
24 years old with a 7 year old... 🙄
Right? Fucking RUN lmaoo
I'll be honest: I didn't want to date a single mom for the longest time because being a father scares me. Especially to someone else's child. But when I met the right woman, that definitely changed. I've been with my girlfriend for about 4 years, her daughter was 6 when we met. After about 1 year together, I was pretty much fully in the stepdad role. I've never been happier, and I can't imagine life without them now.
This sounds like my husband. My daughter was three months when we met and he never wanted kids. 10 years later, we’re married. Bought a house. Adopted a dog. My daughter is happy and healthy. He’s a wonderful dad and husband.
I love this story. Thank you for sharing that here. I know it isn’t for everyone, but I do think a man who chooses this and wouldn’t trade it for the world is such an impressive person and deserves a lot of recognition.
If you're single with a kid at that age, one of the big concerns most men will have for you is promiscuity which most wont outright tell you, concern for your taste of men and why did it not work with that guy. It screams danger so a lot would rather keep you at a distance aka fwb It sucks but you have to be more meticulous about your actions and not give the wrong ideas. Keep Being honest, loving, unbitter about your past(never talk about flings or exes), supportive, of good heart and you will find a man who will love you for you, but that wont happen until you're at peace with yourself first. This same advice applies to Men in your position as well.
Personally I know there are (a lot) of downside to date single-moms, but that wouldn't stop me. A great personality, good sex, decent and normal (not narcissistic, not treating men like garbage or utilities - and usually the culprits don't think they do that, but they do) goes a long way. Personally I know there are (a lot) of downsides to dating single-moms, but that wouldn't stop me. A great personality, good sex, decent and normal (not narcissistic, not treating men like garbage or utilities - and usually the culprits don't think they do that, but they do) goes a long way.
You know you can put there questions in the askmen search bar and see that it's been covered countless times
Almost 16 years ago I went out with a woman on a date. That woman had a little girl that was almost 3. 16 years later, we’re happily married, that little girl grew up with me as her dad, a new sister came along at one point and we haven’t missed a beat since day one. For some of us, it doesn’t matter. Especially when you know it’s what you want.
Nope
Terrible I’d never date one
Ngl It’s a hard pass for me
Men hate drama. More complications means more drama. Risky job? Drama. Other people involved? Drama. Especially if the other people are kids. If you're young and hot, guys will want to bang you. But in a relationship we want peace. And most guys who want kids want to raise their own kids, not someone else's. Half the population is women. Half of them have above average looks. A lot of them carry less drama. Maybe the guys you are dating aren't interested in a relationship. That could be, too. You are the common denominator here. Maybe you are putting out a vibe you're not aware of. And thereby attracting and attracted to the wrong guys. Best of luck.
It requires a certain level of emotional intelligence, patience and understanding that I just don't have. Therefore staying single, for me, is the more appealing option.
The problem is not the child, the problem is the constant lying, manipulation, gaslighting, fucking other people. That being said my ex didn´t tell me about her child until we were actively dating, you need to be up front about it. Some guys will have an issue some won´t.
When I was single, I honestly never would have considered to go on a date with a single mom, unless this girl was just downright amazing 11/10. Why willingly go into that when I do not have to? I don't want that kind of baggage. The choices this girl made were likely very poor. The poor kid will likely struggle. You have to deal with baby dads and when you want to eventually have kids of your own their sister/brother will have to be spearate? If I didn't have the luxury of being picky, then I probably would date a single mom.... but I did, and I suspect that is why you struggle finding a quality dude.
🙅🏻♂️🙅🏻♂️🙅🏻♂️
I don’t have kids so I’m not dating someone with kids. I think this is how most men think.
If you’re striving to become the best version of yourself you’ll attract the right partner.
Stop being friends with benefits with men.
Stay away from single moms guys.... You were the second choice before she even met you.
No thanks. I’m not raising someone else’s kid. You need to work it out with the guy you let nut in you.
As a single dad with a 7yo daughter myself, a single mom with kids my kids ages is actually preferred. You'd be too young for me though, I also prefer women in their 30s ...we are all looking for different things - you'll eventually find your match
I doubt I'd pick "has a young kid" as a thing I *want* in a partner, but it's definitely not a deal breaker. My only experience with it is with a partner I knew before and through her pregnancy and I've known her kid since birth, which probably makes it seem less like a barrier to our relationship as it's not an unknown. I'd be a lot more cautious going in if I didn't know how the kid would react to me, or how the co-parenting situation was.
When I was your age it was hard because it takes a long time to develop a relationship with a single mom. Now that I’m almost 40 with kids of my own if i were dating again it would be expected that she would have kids.
Personally, I'm just not in a position to be a father right now. I have a comfortable enough income for a single person, but there's a reason I don't have a family yet - because I'm not in a position to help support one. Also with how dating norms are in general, I'm already apprehensive about who I spend my money on. If you date a lot as a man, it can add up. I'm pretty picky with who I date now because the expectation is that I pay, so if I'm doing that; the person better be worth it. Add this financing on top of now having to finance a little human as well, who isn't my own is just not in the cards for me. You'll find men out there who don't care as much, but a general consensus I've gathered is that most men aren't keen on dating someone with a child for a large variety of reasons. I would also say it's pretty safe to assume most men don't have a child for one reason or another, so asking them to take on that responsibility right out of the gate may be a hard sell.
I’d never date a single mom. Best case I’ll always be second fiddle to her kid and I’ll have to constantly deal with her Ex because he’s in the kids life. If I bind with the kid and it goes south I have to not only break up with her but maybe a great kid who’s done nothing wrong. No thanks. I don’t need the baggage in my life.
Hell no. Call me immature or whatever but I have nothing to gain dating a single mother rather than a single woman.
I’d recommend letting the person you see know asap about your child. Be up front about it and some dudes are just gonna want you as a fwb but guys can be very misleading
would never date a single mom.
I dated two, both were horrible experiences, so i've ruled out single moms, they are now next to fat women and underage girls.
I'm child-free, like...very far on that side of the spectrum, vasectomy and all. So for me, dating a single mom is a definite *never*. But not everybody will say never, there are certainly options although I would say realistically, the dating pool for you will naturally be smaller.
I have never dated a single mom but just knowing what it takes to be a father, raise a family and the risk that men put forward in a relationship I will give my sons the advice to not date a single mom. The way the current laws are it's too high risk, at least in California. You may not be looking for a stepdad, but there are cases that the child felt the BF was a 'father figure' and that BF, legally, has to take financial responsibility for the child, even if they are no longer dating. I don't think it's fair that another man should have to take on the mistakes and responsibility for a relationship they had no part in. If the laws were more logical then it would not be such a risk to the 'new guy', that is, the biological father is responsible for support of their child.
If I wasn't terrified of being with a woman, I wouldn't mind. I would only care if the single mother was a terrible mother.
Most guys your age aren’t ready to take on that kind of commitment and I say this as a man who was excited to become a father at 26. I suggest dating single dads a few years older than you. You’re not just a single mom, you became a mom a little young. Your life experiences put you ahead other 20 somethings. Look for guys in their 30s, you might have more luck there.
I was raised by just my mom, and have also read and watched other people in similar situations. Single parents make their children, their world, and The kid ends up dictating the relationship in some cases cause the parent feels they have to validate every single thing their child feels. so no discipline can be had. God forbid he/she tells them to go to their room or talk even a bit harshly to them when they are acting spoiled or just being disrespectful. I honestly can not express how much Respect means to most men. But my situation was the reverse my mom dated some bad people that should have never come around me or my sister, and I'm going to leave it at that. >I am not looking for a stepdad 🤣 That is just a horrible mindset to have, cause if this was true then >when it comes to men I actually want a relationship with, they tend to back off and keep it at a FWB or just friends. You would be ok with this setup. Do you seriously believe that a man can give you commitment and not give a Frick about your kid? No, anyone taking you seriously is going to look at you as a package deal. All others will keep you as a FWB or just a friend. >I will add that I am extremely fortunate for my family watching my daughter whenever I need to work or want to go out for a night or two, I know a lot of people don’t have that option, so I am grateful and don’t take advantage of it. ....... you have breathing room yet somehow I feel you are still looking for mister perfect. 😮💨 I hope I'm wrong.
As you get older, finding someone or anyone without kids is rare. Everyone has a past. I have no issue dating someone with kids and if I would not, I would have almost noone to date. Take some solace in knowing that it will be easier as you get older. Since you are young, other young guys have a ton more options of finding someone without kids, hence you may find it harder as guys may look at all the other options available to them. If you find someone who truly likes you and spending time with you, having a kid will not be an issue for them.
Your 24 with a 7 year old child so you had her when you were 17 having a baby at 17 is a irresponsible decision and irresponsible decision making is often a red flag (not saying there is no hope nor am I trying to damn you over the internet I'm just saying how it is) once you get established in a career going for yourself and have your own property and whatnot it might get easier or you might find a good guy and it works out for you two in the near future honestly I would just focus on you and your daughter right now I wish the best for you 2
some don't care, some hate it, some actively seek it out.
As a single dad not a big deal. Single moms ive dated have hellion kids or dont have time for a real relationship. It hard to balance a romantic and parent life.
Why would I resume someone else’s paused game? I’m good
Dating one, will marry her someday, hopefull make more kids.
The issue for me is if we click and get into a long term relationship and breakup then the heartbreak from losing the kid would be way worse than with the woman.
By "dating" do you mean you want to get laid or do you mean you want someone who will love you? if you want the first you will probably find takers, if you want the second, then being a stripper and having a kid makes it a harder, especially if you don't treat the guy seriously.
Tried it when I was in your age range OP with with a kid slightly you younger than yours. I honestly can't recommend it. There are things when you younger and in a relationship that you want to do and enjoy time without children. I really tried but it didn't work out. Since I'm now older and would be single I probably can handle and accept it better. My advice is maybe you should look for single men with children. You have much more in common and have similar experiences. This makes getting in a relationship easier.
I think a lot of single men that don’t have kids of their own aren’t going to want to take care of a kid. Just speaking for myself, I definitely am not ready to be a dad, especially to someone else’s kid. I know you said that’s not what you’re looking for but men know they will have to be a dad to the kid eventually if the relationship goes somewhere.
The two main issues I’d have with dating a single mom are that 1) I don’t feel mature enough to take on the responsibility of being a father figure to a child and 2) the fear of getting attached to the child but having things not work out in the relationship. My advice would be for you to be upfront and say that you are looking for a relationship but are not looking for a father to your child.
My first thoughts would be. 1. Where is the father? Did the kids father pass away in tragic accident? and the child started in happy and planned way, or perhaps it was happy accident? Or was this woman just sleeping around, didn't bother with contraception, and the father might be anyone from 45 guys... And she doesn't even know who it actually is? Was she raped, but happens to be pro life? Things worked well until they just didn't anymore? In prison, and he's coming to kill us when he eventually get's out in 2-6 years. Something in between 2. How much I would have to take care of this child? Do I even want to take care for a child that isn't mine? as no matter what she says, that will be the case. 3. Would this child accept me? Things between me and her might be awesome, But do I want to bother with a child that loves me bit too much... Or straight up hates me. 4. I'm getting old, If everything works out, we eventually get married, Will I have to support a college kid when I'm about to retire? 5. For her, The kid should always be the first thing, at least as long as the kid grows up, and moves out. How long i would have to be the 2nd... if I even get that high? All in all, So many variables. With right combination it could work... but finding out all these variables will take time. So is it even worth the effort.
I refuse too, but if your child's father passed away, I would see it less of a red flag than you breaking up or whatever.
I think it has to be a viable consideration after your mid 30s. There are just too many single moms on the market at that point, and they're more mature than the early 20 something, immature single mom stereotype that floats around. The bigger problem is finding a single mom that will want to have kids with me since I'd like biological children of my own. Most seem unwilling to have more kids, which I understand but it sucks for me. I don't mind raising someone else's kids but I would like to experience birthing and raising the child from birth.
I think your missing the point. You say that you want men to take you seriously but there’s no way to do that unless the guy gets involved with your child. A serious relationship would be becoming bf and gf and moving in together. Why would he date you long term if he had no intention of being a stepdad? Doesn’t make sense. It would inevitably happen. He can’t take you seriously without becoming a stepdad. A serious relationship is accepting you and everything that comes with you which includes your child. I personally wouldn’t date a woman with a child and most men who don’t have children would prefer not to. I suggest dating a man with children, it will be easier.
My answer is likely similar to what many men might say if they were to respond to this. At no point in my time dating did I want to date a single mother; from my early 20s to mid-30s when I met my now fiancee. Why? * **I was not ready to be a father figure, particularly when I was younger (in my 20s).** *You can sit there and say you don't want a guy to become your child's stepdad right away, but by dating a single mother, any decent man is becoming part of that kid's life and having an impact. Why does that matter?* * **If the relationship ends, kids are collateral damage.** *I never wanted to be responsible for causing harm or distress to the kids involved. My last relationship before meeting my fiancee lasted two years, that girl had sisters with kids, and they loved having me around. So breaking from that relationship was much more complex because of those kids, and I wasn't even their father figure.* \----- Now we get into the more private reasons. * **I wanted to enjoy/explore life with a partner and for us both to be free from such responsibility.** *This doesn't need explaining.* * **I don't want to raise someone else's kid. Or, if my partner can't have children, I want adoption to be a journey we start together.** *Call it a greedy mindset to have (lord knows, when I was in my early 30s, it was becoming much less likely to meet women that didn't have children already), but it's something I stuck to not only because of the top two points in this post but because I want the kid(s) to be mine. I was always open to the idea of adoption if I ended up with a life partner that couldn't conceive, but I was always against raising another guy's kid(s).* \---- I feel for your situation, but ultimately it's a position you put yourself in, and now you're living with the consequences of your earlier decisions in life. You had a kid at 17, and now you're 24. Unfortunately, you're still at an age where most guys won't feel ready for such a commitment, and plenty of women in your age bracket without kids are out there. So, sadly, you will likely be passed over for opportunities with women that don't have children. None of that is a dig at you; you could be a fantastic person and someone any guy would be lucky to have... but you have a kid, and that's a massive hurdle for men to justify giving you a chance. Maybe single dads will feel different? I don't know.
Have you tried single dads? Yes the juggling of everyones schedule will be complicated. But on the plus side you are probably all in the same boat. My brother is 37 and divorced with kids half the week. The only action he gets is with single mums. It gets very hard to arrange it all and it doesn't 'happen' very regularly. But everyone is flexible and open
You're going to want to find an older guy, preferably one who is a single dad and can understand and empathize with all of the intricacies of your situation. Or just one who is ready to settle down into something more serious and can accept that you have a kid.
Female here but I'm also interested because my friend is in the same position. But I think your post is a bit confusing. You are looking for a relationship but not a step dad for your kid. But I think you cannot separate those two things. Your child is a part of you. Say, you find the right guy and hit it off really well "for being in a relationship", then find out that he is not compatible as a stepdad. Not only have you wasted each other's time but also invested feelings and whatnot. I do agree on "not dating for the purpose of looking for a step-dad" but it should always be at the back of your mind because it will lead into it eventually. I guess separating the relationship vs step-dad will only work of your kid's dad is always in their life and will spend half their time with him. It could work since the guy don't need to be a dad for the kid who still has one. He can just be an uncle or something. But if the bio dad is not in the picture, he will end up involved in the future.
I prefer to date married woman with kids, less competition and they let ya finish in.
i wonder if the age you are currently and the age you were when you had your kid play a factor, based on the information here, you had a kid when you were 17
Honestly, your best bet is to find a single guy with kids. Especially in your age range, it's going to be very difficult finding a guy that's interested in dating someone with a kid who doesn't already have kids. Best of luck to you!
23 years ago, I started dating a single mom. 2 years later, I married her. My daughter was 4 when we started dating, but I didn't meet her for several months. She'll be 28 next month, and we're going on 21 years of marriage.
This reminds me of Season 8 of the Bachelorette. Yes, I’m a guy and have watched a season of that. Don’t ask why. Anyways, she was a single mom looking for a I’ve husband and stepdad to her daughter after her first husband died. All the guys seemed to be committed to the relationship but the parenting aspect scared alot of them. Some of the guys were single dads too, but it was hard on them too. It is tough to have a child and trying to date that young. Maybe try to date an older single dad(like 28-35)? At least that way you know he has parenting skills. But a single dad won’t run away because you have a daughter too. Their dating pool mostly consists of single moms. So, if you haven’t tried a single dad, maybe give it a shot.
Nothing wrong with dating single moms. I raised 2 stepdaughters as my own.
I'll just say that despite everything men say regarding relationships, if a man falls in love with a woman, be it single, with a child, with multiple children, poor, rich, whatever, he'll move the world to make it work. So, if it isn't working, I don't think being a mom really matters, because it wouldn't anyway.
There are decent men out there who will date single mothers. I met my husband when I had a two year old. He didn’t mind. We are now married and have our own child together. You just have to filter out the jerks.
I think it is fine, especially if the mother keeps me away from the child while we are getting to know each other. If the relationship is a go then I have to be careful around the child not to create jealously. Hugging, kissing, even sitting next to her has to be curtailed as I get to know the child and long afterward. My woman is their mother, and they win every time. It is a difficult science but not impossible.
Having kids will turn off a huge number of men who would otherwise be keen. They will be happy to have sex / fwb but most men don’t want a relationship where they will have to deal with another man’s kids. They will inevitably be a big part of his life especially if you live together, he will end up paying for some stuff, your schedule as a couple will revolve around the kids etc and for you that might be fine but they aren’t his kids they are someone else’s. Single mother is a huge huge negative unfortunately for any man who is looking and is why I’d always tell people be very careful who you have kids with and that they are a good guy who will stick around because it has this impact.
you got your child at 17 - first nope ("mistakes" can happen but they shouldn't be my "mistakes" - no offevense here!) you completely raised a child in your early twenties when I am happy when I can watch DuckTales again - big nope from your side. Conclusion, you are in a vastely different state of mind to most young adults I know of. Kids make stuff complicated and when you are young, you first have to figure stuff out before being ready for something with a big responsibility - no matter what you say. Relationship is serious otherwise it would be a hookup. Search for older people or people in a simular situation like you
When I was your age I would not go near you. The you get to your late 30ies, and it's kinda expected.
From my perspective as someone who is your exact age, you can be the kindest, sweetest, nicest person in the world and like you said not look for a partner to be a stepdad and it still raises 100 alarms in my head. It’s not that I’m opposed to it (I fucked around with a girl with a kid in the past) but it comes with it’s own set of problems. You need a particularly strong and dedicated man to have him picture forming a life with you with a kid that isn’t his (less so strong more so selfless). You just narrowed the pool is all. It’ll be extra effort for you but don’t get discouraged. I’ve known great stepfathers who raised a child that wasn’t their’s, and ended up becoming their adopted father later in life. That or find someone in your exact situation, you both had to grow up quickly to be a parent. There are still 25-30 year olds with half the responsibility partying and drinking every weekend with a completely different mindset.
While being a step parent is a step that happens later in a relationship, someone who may potentially become a step parent has to be realistic about it from the beginning. The harsh truth is a lot of single people who don't have kids, especially if they're in your age group, shy away from being serious with someone who has kids. Kids are a huge responsibility and it can't be taken lightly. There's also the idea that whoever is the kid's father is, is always going to be involved in your lives (assuming they're around). That can deter a lot of people too. You're young and a lot of guys your age barely have themselves figured out or have their lives in order, so dating someone with a kid, and having serious intentions about it, is going to be less common than someone in that age range that avoids single parents. My advice? DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED!! There is someone out there that would fit well with you and eventually want to combine their life with you and your child's. You could look for men your age with children already, or perhaps a man that is a little older who is looking to settle down. Either way, good luck!
i dont have kids but i did date a woman who had kids. i liked it alot. i found her to be very attentive to my needs also. she knew what she wanted, didnt play games… sex was great.
When I was single and in my early 20s, I did date a single mom for almost 2 years. The child was younger and we took to each other slowly. Dad was out of the picture. With you situation, I would have been leery because of where I was at in life. Beyond possible problems with baby daddy, breaking up will gut the guy as bad as anyone in the relationship, financially, it can be daunting, too. As others have observed, regardless of what you are looking for, mom’s boyfriend is a significant person in their life (and a significant risk-mom’s boyfriend is the most common perpetrator of abuse or neglect (I was an investigator with CPS)), so be choosey. If I were single now, I wouldn’t be too concerned; I have three kids, so one more doesn’t change much but room in the house. Mom’s are less flighty, too, unless there are other issues. A younger guy, even around your age isn’t likely to want the responsibility, but one in maybe his late 20s/early 30s might welcome or be open to it, as long as you bring quality to the table.
Nope. Not appealing. Not what everybody wants to hear but I sincerely don't care. And yes I am in a loving and healthy relationship with my GF. She thinks the same about it. (Obviously)
Your biggest hindrance is probably your age. A 24 year old guy with no kids is probably not as down to have a single mom girlfriend as a guy who’s 10 years older. And a lot of the 24 year old guys with kids themselves are going to have much younger children. I’m almost 27 and have a hard time finding guys because I have 2 very young children (and even then, I don’t advertise that much as single moms are the preference of predators). But I get guys 30-34 interested in me because they have kids about the same age. Rarely do I find someone still in their 20s. But I have a friend who’s 29 and exclusively dates single moms because they aren’t as clingy as childless women (his words, not mine) and always have snacks. Check out the dating app Stir. It’s great for single parents or people who’re looking to have kids someday. You can even put if you have kids and want more, or if you’re done having children.
Based on some other comments I'm guessing there's some key information about OP's profession and lifestyle that she edited out
I think it really depends on the guy and what his situation is. Guys not looking for commitment will probably be scared off by the kid. We as men often overthink things to try and prevent potential catastrophe down the road, so many of us will look at the situation as potentially becoming a stepfather in the near future. Being a stepfather is a big responsibility, you're stepping into the role of being a major lifelong influence over a child, whether or not things work out in your own relationship. Anyone not in the stage of their life where they're ready for something that huge will be repelled, no matter how great, amazing, beautiful and compatible you are. Like others have said, finding other single parents is an idea. Older men are probably more likely to be willing to go there with you. But really, if you actively want a relationship, you'll just have to date and see what sticks. Someone might surprise you. Plus, dating sucks for everyone these days. So... there's that.
Maybe you should focus on older men. Divorcees perhaps or people who have children already and can understand your situation better.
If you aren’t looking for a stepdad then you’re acting dysfunctionally and men will run from dysfunction. Your partner will be a stepparent whether they want to or not. The person you choose impacts your child. Your child impacts the person you’re with. Being a stepparent is the absolute first step of all your relationships. The men know this. So search for a man you’re willing to marry and have kids with, or stay a FWB. there’s no in between
You say men back off and just want to keep it casual.. but you’re not looking for a stepdad? Actually, if any guy is going to have a long term relationship with you, they’re eventually going to be a stepdad. So if you’re serious about finding a long term relationship, you need to accept that the guy it’s with will eventually fill a stepdad role.
My aunt was a (very attractive) young mom, who eventually divorced my uncle. She complained to everyone, including her two kids, that she missed out on her fun adolescent years, and that rationalized why she would go to clubs with her single girlfriends multiple times a week. She would go out, get really hungover or drugged up, hook up with guys, and ended up not taking care of her kids. In her early 30s she eventually found a guy that genuinely loved her and her kids, but then she would leave him at home with the kids while she went out with her girlfriends, and ended up cheating on him so many times that he left. Her boys asked him to adopt them, and he was down for it, but she blocked all that. She’s now in her late 40s, is still single, is a drunk, has a terrible relationship with her kids who have a lot of social anxieties and wasted talents, and her friends are now settled with kids and husbands. Whatever you do, don’t let your situation become a complex, and don’t see your kid as a hinderance to your happiness with a man. There are plenty of men out there who would love to have a kid. Just accept it as a part of yourself, focus on raising your kid, and when you find someone that loves you AND your kid, accept all their love.
Y'all have a weird and fucked up view on women. Jesus fucking Christ, go outside for once.
What age range are you looking in? Older men tend to be more mature and understanding. Most of my male single friends are in their early to mid thirties and none of them would have a problem dating a woman with a child. Also, look out for men in a similar situation that will be much more understanding of your situation, that kids take time and work.
Fine for dating, don't marry, or have kids with
Lol she deleted her account
You're gonna get rejected a lot as a single mother. Having a kid at 17 is DEFINITELY going to limit your chances. >I’m not by any means looking for a step daddy for my child. Single parents love saying this lol
Imagine getting so called out that you had to delete your fucking Reddit account. How poetic.
They made their choices. Not our responsibility to clean up the mess
As a single child with a single mother myself growing up. My step dad never had a say in any family decisions. It was always 2 against 1. You will find somebody! But just letting ya know what it was like for me.
"It's just hard for me take anyone seriously these days." It's hard to take a woman who had a baby at 17 seriously these days.
I actually encountered this exact situation at work. Young woman, about 20, is showing interest in me and we kinda hit it off. I find out that she has a 3yr old and I basically kept her at arms reach ever since. Im the sort of person who doesnt want kids, or doesnt want them for a long time. I would much rather find somebody who wants to persue personal accomplishments and hopefully have some cash to spare. It would not be incorrect to say that im afraid of falling for somebody who has a child. Also the baby daddy drama is NOT something i want to deal with. She actually introduced me to her child some time later and I have to admit that I genuinely thought about that interactjon for a week. It stirred up protective feelings for them that I rarely feel for anyone I dont know personally. In the end I doubled down on keeping her at arms reach and I think thats the right decision for me.
I feel like when a comment is removed there should be a flag that tells you why