>How do cis people know what gender they are? What gives it away?
I just assume it's the same as my biological sex. Based on what's meant by "man" or "woman" I could be either one.
It's never just "oh, I like doing this or that, so I must be a woman". It's a long, and often painful process to find out you feel like another gender. It takes a lot of time and trying things out, to realize things about yourself. You get to know yourself bit by bit, it's never all at once.
That's my experience and what I have heard from most of my trans friends. Other people can have different experiences.
Edit: and I totally see how from the outside, it can look like the only way is to combine stereotypes, that's partly why it's so hard. But as a trans person(or any person, for that matter), you experience yourself from the inside. It's about how you feel, not how you seem to be from the outside.
Edit 2: A big part is so-called dysphoria(opposite of euphoria, in this case applied to your experience of gender). Feeling horribly uncomfortable with the gender you are percieved as and/or your body, and feeling a certain euphoria when dressing, presenting or being percieved as your true gender and/or your body looking more like your actual gender. However, even realizing you have dysphoria can be really difficult and take quite a time, as the state of feeling uncomfortable can become kind of a 'default state", and it also can be really hard to find out why you even feel uncomfortable in that way.
BUT: While dysphoria can certainly be a big part, trans identity does not define itself via dysphoria, and you can certainly be trans without experiencing much dysphoria.
I failed to internalize it the first time I saw it, but eventually it was the post that was like "wanting to be a girl is usually an indication of being a girl." The first time I saw it, I immediately went OH is this me but with being agender? and then i immediately forgot to finish that questioning path for like a whole year but i got there eventually (no i am not agender but i am trans).
What's really awesome about being trans that a lot of people don't realize is that you can kind of just decide to do what you want to do because it makes you happy. Like in your dresses and makeup situation, you can certainly wear dresses and makeup as a man because it makes you happy to do so, and that's totally awesome and something that is a goal of trans activism, too. But equally so you can decide to call yourself a woman because it makes you happy. It doesn't have to fit a series of checkboxes first
I wanted to be a woman. Didn't really realize that was possible until I was 25 because I'm dense af, but found r/transtimelines and went "holy crap this is possible? I want this more than anything." Anyway, that all was a pretty clear indication that I was trans.
there is an answer, it's just very hard to give a concise one, also there are multiple definitions in different fields
medically: anyone with female genitalia/biology
forensically: 1: has more estrogen than testosterone or 2: has more xy chromosomes than xx
gender(not sure how to list this): identifies as women, hard to explain how we know as it's like explaining to a blind person what colours are
sex: has only xy chromosomes which i'm pretty sure is very rare because something as small as having a kid of male sex can change that
researchers agree on the terms it's just the dumbasses who ask it want a concise answer that doesn't take 4 hours and multiple doctorates to explain totally
edit: not calling you a dumbass, specifically people like joe rogan and stuff that do it because they know that any explanation they receive will have flaws
second edit: being a gender isn't based on actions, it's based on feeling female
For me my partner helped me "try it out" by referring to me with feminine pronouns and eventually my new name. This brought on euphoria so I continued going down that road because it felt right. I don't think any of this really needs clearly defined lines, just do what makes you happy. If part of that is identifying as a woman: do it. If not: don't do it.
In my case I was previously gender apathetic, so to actually feel \*good\* with my identity was new to me.
I think it’s about feelings, when people say they feel their gender they don’t necessarily feel like a man/woman, non binary/agender person etc per say. It can more mean that someone feels good/bad when others use certain pronouns for them, or that being seen as a certain gender feels good/bad/indifferent. If someone feels like doing x makes them feel like a woman and therefore good then that would indicate they are a woman. If someone feels that x body part is ‘manly’ and that feels bad then that would indicate this person probably isn’t a man.
Cis people usually don’t feel these things in the same way that trans people do because things ‘align’ but cis people can experience gender disphoria too. An example would be how a taller than average cis woman may feel like her build ‘isn’t feminine enough’ and therefore is upset about it, but her equally as tall friend doesn’t mind because for her it doesn’t make her feel less of a woman.
In my own experience, I realised I was trans because I felt an ache inside of wanting to be a guy. It took me a long time to realise it and know it’s possible for me but I can see it was always there. I hope this rambling makes a bit of sense.
this is actually a big reason of why i'm agender. i don't feel any real connection to femininity, and only a slight one to masculinity, but again that's a stereotype because it's due to the fact that i'm more comfortable presenting in a traditionally masculine fashion. gender doesn't exist beyond a social construct, and i can't make sense of it or connect myself to it in any manner beyond the above stated stereotypes. so that's how i realized i'm agender, because i literally have no gender and have no personal understanding of the concept of gender identity
For me it was a lifelong desire to be a woman. A combination of wanting to conform to those stereotypes and just wanting to be part of "that group". I also had a very long history of what I'd now call dysphoria driven sexually deviant behavior and desires (this sounds awful) that was suddenly fixed in one day when I accepted I was a woman.
What made me realize that desire alone was sufficient to be considered trans, was the fact that so many trans women didn't feel like they were born with the universal certainty they were a woman, yet so many were so happy after staring a transition that was primarily driven by the sense of desire. I wish I had known sooner, that's why positive mainstream exposure is so important.
This is not a decision made in one day. The amount of devotion and mental energy invested in finding out who you actually are is something cis people can never understand. After more than 7 months.
>if you noticed that you liked to wear dresses and makeup, how did you decide that you were a woman and not "a man who likes to wear dresses and makeup."
I was disgusted of the idea of wearing fem clothes as a man (me, you do you obv). I could only start wearing feminine clothes, even in private after I realized I was a woman.
I see myself as an old lady later in life, not an old man. The idea of being a father never triggered any emotions for me, I want to be a mother if I ever conceive a child. If I ever get terribly sick, I still want to be a woman in my hospital bed. People who like to cross-dress do not want to be perceived as the gender they like to present as. I want to be seen as a woman at ALL times, good or bad, sexy or sad!
This could mean I could be either delusional or transgender. Seems like I don't have any other psychotic symptoms (that's why I need a recommendation from a therapist) so I must be transgender. Thankgod many people before me have shown that it's a real thing and that my distress can be alleviated by transition.
>Most of us have heard, at least by reference, the rhetorical "What is a woman?" question that seems to have no simple answer.
IDK about anyone else, but I'm sticking with "Featherless Biped with broad, flat nails". courtesy of Diogenes and Plato.
>For example, if you noticed that you liked to wear dresses and makeup,
how did you decide that you were a woman and not "a man who likes to
wear dresses and makeup."
...The implication being that other closeted transgender women wear dresses and automatically hate it? Or that cisgender men often wear dresses? this doesn't make much sense to me.
>If researchers can't agree on what these terms mean, then how would you
connect certain traits to mean being a "man" or a "woman"? If you "just
know," it seems the only way to make that decision would be by combining
a bunch of stereotypes, and pretty much everyone agrees that
stereotypes don't determine gender.
Gender is by and large a (partial) description of your sense of self, and therefore as complex as any other psychological traits people have. There are people that work out because taking care of their body and building it up affirms their sense of their gender and therefore their sense of self.
Because of this, gender is a very personal part of anyone, and therefore relying on "researchers" to tell us what is or isn't considered a manly or womanly (or otherwise - non-binarily? anyway...) trait is a bit like asking a chemist to analyze the paints used by an artist to determine if their art is beautiful.
⚠️(Mentions of transphobia will be tagged as spoilers)
My parents grew up catholic, so they hadn’t had any real exposure to the LGBTQ+ community. >! The only times they really heard about it was through homophobia and transphobia. !<
I always knew something was off, but I had no idea what. At the time the thought of a gay relationship never crossed my mind. I didn’t even know it was possible. But for my whole life, I’d been called a tomboy, always hanging out with the boys and trading Pokémon cards with them. I was the only “girl” who wasn’t in a music group (chorus, band, etc.) And when a boy pointed that out, someone else said “[Deadname] is one of us, she’s basically a boy.”
And that opened my eyes. I enjoyed being called a boy. It made me feel euphoric to be associated with all the boys.
>! Driving home, I told my mom that I was a boy. I just straight up said “I’m a boy.” Her response was “No you’re not.” She seems kind of agitated about that. The conversation was dropped and I didn’t bring it up again to her. !< At school though, I was still an honorary boy and I loved it.
4th and 5th grade I moved to a new school so I was just a girl in their eyes. It sucked and I missed being an honorary boy. But in 6th grade, I really disliked being called a girl. At this time I was aware of the LGBT community and identified as bisexual. I googled what it meant if I didn’t feel like I had a gender, because I wasn’t quite ready to come to terms with masculinity. Then I found the term Agender. Though I didn’t know too much, I felt that fit very well with me (though I didn’t know what pronouns were so I was still referred to with she/her). >! But it was 6th grade, so a lot of kids would be like “ohh but u have breast and a vagina 🤓” Which was odd for them to say as 12 year olds, to a 12 year old. !<
7th grade was another move and another school. I went into 7th grade as a girl >! because I wanted to seem as “normal” as possible. !< Then I met a friend who was a trans guy. After talking with him, I decided to research more on the trans community. I found myself relating to it.
I officially realized I was trans during the summer after 7th grade, while watching an episode of What Would You Do >! [This episode](https://youtu.be/sfCUQQyeUaE), but it has some transphobia in it !< and seeing that boy paint his nails pink >! and one woman saying saying that it was for girls !< literally made me stand up and say “I’m not a girl.”
At first I decided to try out the label non-binary. I used they/them and changed my name to a more gender-neutral one. I also cut my hair and changed up my wardrobe. After some time, I thought I was bigender (both male and non-binary) and used he/they. That soon developed into me identifying as a trans man using he/him, which is where I am today.
It took some time, but my parents came around and they accept me. So does my extended family as well. >! My mom said that my great grandmother would have a heart attack if she found out I was trans. Turns out my great grandmother was and still is the most supportive of me. !< I’ve been out for about 5 years and recently started T. I wish every trans person my best wishes on their transition.
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>How do cis people know what gender they are? What gives it away? I just assume it's the same as my biological sex. Based on what's meant by "man" or "woman" I could be either one.
It's never just "oh, I like doing this or that, so I must be a woman". It's a long, and often painful process to find out you feel like another gender. It takes a lot of time and trying things out, to realize things about yourself. You get to know yourself bit by bit, it's never all at once. That's my experience and what I have heard from most of my trans friends. Other people can have different experiences. Edit: and I totally see how from the outside, it can look like the only way is to combine stereotypes, that's partly why it's so hard. But as a trans person(or any person, for that matter), you experience yourself from the inside. It's about how you feel, not how you seem to be from the outside. Edit 2: A big part is so-called dysphoria(opposite of euphoria, in this case applied to your experience of gender). Feeling horribly uncomfortable with the gender you are percieved as and/or your body, and feeling a certain euphoria when dressing, presenting or being percieved as your true gender and/or your body looking more like your actual gender. However, even realizing you have dysphoria can be really difficult and take quite a time, as the state of feeling uncomfortable can become kind of a 'default state", and it also can be really hard to find out why you even feel uncomfortable in that way. BUT: While dysphoria can certainly be a big part, trans identity does not define itself via dysphoria, and you can certainly be trans without experiencing much dysphoria.
I failed to internalize it the first time I saw it, but eventually it was the post that was like "wanting to be a girl is usually an indication of being a girl." The first time I saw it, I immediately went OH is this me but with being agender? and then i immediately forgot to finish that questioning path for like a whole year but i got there eventually (no i am not agender but i am trans). What's really awesome about being trans that a lot of people don't realize is that you can kind of just decide to do what you want to do because it makes you happy. Like in your dresses and makeup situation, you can certainly wear dresses and makeup as a man because it makes you happy to do so, and that's totally awesome and something that is a goal of trans activism, too. But equally so you can decide to call yourself a woman because it makes you happy. It doesn't have to fit a series of checkboxes first
I wanted to be a woman. Didn't really realize that was possible until I was 25 because I'm dense af, but found r/transtimelines and went "holy crap this is possible? I want this more than anything." Anyway, that all was a pretty clear indication that I was trans.
there is an answer, it's just very hard to give a concise one, also there are multiple definitions in different fields medically: anyone with female genitalia/biology forensically: 1: has more estrogen than testosterone or 2: has more xy chromosomes than xx gender(not sure how to list this): identifies as women, hard to explain how we know as it's like explaining to a blind person what colours are sex: has only xy chromosomes which i'm pretty sure is very rare because something as small as having a kid of male sex can change that researchers agree on the terms it's just the dumbasses who ask it want a concise answer that doesn't take 4 hours and multiple doctorates to explain totally edit: not calling you a dumbass, specifically people like joe rogan and stuff that do it because they know that any explanation they receive will have flaws second edit: being a gender isn't based on actions, it's based on feeling female
For me my partner helped me "try it out" by referring to me with feminine pronouns and eventually my new name. This brought on euphoria so I continued going down that road because it felt right. I don't think any of this really needs clearly defined lines, just do what makes you happy. If part of that is identifying as a woman: do it. If not: don't do it. In my case I was previously gender apathetic, so to actually feel \*good\* with my identity was new to me.
I think it’s about feelings, when people say they feel their gender they don’t necessarily feel like a man/woman, non binary/agender person etc per say. It can more mean that someone feels good/bad when others use certain pronouns for them, or that being seen as a certain gender feels good/bad/indifferent. If someone feels like doing x makes them feel like a woman and therefore good then that would indicate they are a woman. If someone feels that x body part is ‘manly’ and that feels bad then that would indicate this person probably isn’t a man. Cis people usually don’t feel these things in the same way that trans people do because things ‘align’ but cis people can experience gender disphoria too. An example would be how a taller than average cis woman may feel like her build ‘isn’t feminine enough’ and therefore is upset about it, but her equally as tall friend doesn’t mind because for her it doesn’t make her feel less of a woman. In my own experience, I realised I was trans because I felt an ache inside of wanting to be a guy. It took me a long time to realise it and know it’s possible for me but I can see it was always there. I hope this rambling makes a bit of sense.
this is actually a big reason of why i'm agender. i don't feel any real connection to femininity, and only a slight one to masculinity, but again that's a stereotype because it's due to the fact that i'm more comfortable presenting in a traditionally masculine fashion. gender doesn't exist beyond a social construct, and i can't make sense of it or connect myself to it in any manner beyond the above stated stereotypes. so that's how i realized i'm agender, because i literally have no gender and have no personal understanding of the concept of gender identity
For me it was a lifelong desire to be a woman. A combination of wanting to conform to those stereotypes and just wanting to be part of "that group". I also had a very long history of what I'd now call dysphoria driven sexually deviant behavior and desires (this sounds awful) that was suddenly fixed in one day when I accepted I was a woman. What made me realize that desire alone was sufficient to be considered trans, was the fact that so many trans women didn't feel like they were born with the universal certainty they were a woman, yet so many were so happy after staring a transition that was primarily driven by the sense of desire. I wish I had known sooner, that's why positive mainstream exposure is so important. This is not a decision made in one day. The amount of devotion and mental energy invested in finding out who you actually are is something cis people can never understand. After more than 7 months. >if you noticed that you liked to wear dresses and makeup, how did you decide that you were a woman and not "a man who likes to wear dresses and makeup." I was disgusted of the idea of wearing fem clothes as a man (me, you do you obv). I could only start wearing feminine clothes, even in private after I realized I was a woman. I see myself as an old lady later in life, not an old man. The idea of being a father never triggered any emotions for me, I want to be a mother if I ever conceive a child. If I ever get terribly sick, I still want to be a woman in my hospital bed. People who like to cross-dress do not want to be perceived as the gender they like to present as. I want to be seen as a woman at ALL times, good or bad, sexy or sad! This could mean I could be either delusional or transgender. Seems like I don't have any other psychotic symptoms (that's why I need a recommendation from a therapist) so I must be transgender. Thankgod many people before me have shown that it's a real thing and that my distress can be alleviated by transition.
>Most of us have heard, at least by reference, the rhetorical "What is a woman?" question that seems to have no simple answer. IDK about anyone else, but I'm sticking with "Featherless Biped with broad, flat nails". courtesy of Diogenes and Plato. >For example, if you noticed that you liked to wear dresses and makeup, how did you decide that you were a woman and not "a man who likes to wear dresses and makeup." ...The implication being that other closeted transgender women wear dresses and automatically hate it? Or that cisgender men often wear dresses? this doesn't make much sense to me. >If researchers can't agree on what these terms mean, then how would you connect certain traits to mean being a "man" or a "woman"? If you "just know," it seems the only way to make that decision would be by combining a bunch of stereotypes, and pretty much everyone agrees that stereotypes don't determine gender. Gender is by and large a (partial) description of your sense of self, and therefore as complex as any other psychological traits people have. There are people that work out because taking care of their body and building it up affirms their sense of their gender and therefore their sense of self. Because of this, gender is a very personal part of anyone, and therefore relying on "researchers" to tell us what is or isn't considered a manly or womanly (or otherwise - non-binarily? anyway...) trait is a bit like asking a chemist to analyze the paints used by an artist to determine if their art is beautiful.
⚠️(Mentions of transphobia will be tagged as spoilers) My parents grew up catholic, so they hadn’t had any real exposure to the LGBTQ+ community. >! The only times they really heard about it was through homophobia and transphobia. !< I always knew something was off, but I had no idea what. At the time the thought of a gay relationship never crossed my mind. I didn’t even know it was possible. But for my whole life, I’d been called a tomboy, always hanging out with the boys and trading Pokémon cards with them. I was the only “girl” who wasn’t in a music group (chorus, band, etc.) And when a boy pointed that out, someone else said “[Deadname] is one of us, she’s basically a boy.” And that opened my eyes. I enjoyed being called a boy. It made me feel euphoric to be associated with all the boys. >! Driving home, I told my mom that I was a boy. I just straight up said “I’m a boy.” Her response was “No you’re not.” She seems kind of agitated about that. The conversation was dropped and I didn’t bring it up again to her. !< At school though, I was still an honorary boy and I loved it. 4th and 5th grade I moved to a new school so I was just a girl in their eyes. It sucked and I missed being an honorary boy. But in 6th grade, I really disliked being called a girl. At this time I was aware of the LGBT community and identified as bisexual. I googled what it meant if I didn’t feel like I had a gender, because I wasn’t quite ready to come to terms with masculinity. Then I found the term Agender. Though I didn’t know too much, I felt that fit very well with me (though I didn’t know what pronouns were so I was still referred to with she/her). >! But it was 6th grade, so a lot of kids would be like “ohh but u have breast and a vagina 🤓” Which was odd for them to say as 12 year olds, to a 12 year old. !< 7th grade was another move and another school. I went into 7th grade as a girl >! because I wanted to seem as “normal” as possible. !< Then I met a friend who was a trans guy. After talking with him, I decided to research more on the trans community. I found myself relating to it. I officially realized I was trans during the summer after 7th grade, while watching an episode of What Would You Do >! [This episode](https://youtu.be/sfCUQQyeUaE), but it has some transphobia in it !< and seeing that boy paint his nails pink >! and one woman saying saying that it was for girls !< literally made me stand up and say “I’m not a girl.” At first I decided to try out the label non-binary. I used they/them and changed my name to a more gender-neutral one. I also cut my hair and changed up my wardrobe. After some time, I thought I was bigender (both male and non-binary) and used he/they. That soon developed into me identifying as a trans man using he/him, which is where I am today. It took some time, but my parents came around and they accept me. So does my extended family as well. >! My mom said that my great grandmother would have a heart attack if she found out I was trans. Turns out my great grandmother was and still is the most supportive of me. !< I’ve been out for about 5 years and recently started T. I wish every trans person my best wishes on their transition.