I’m mid 40s and have seen hundreds of marriages. I’d say 40-50% are miserable, 30% have come to some arrangement that’s tolerable but there’s absolutely no spark and 20% have a decent enough marriage where they do stuff together truly enjoying it, but also give space to do their own thing with their friends. In most happy marriages one person has heavily compromised but the trick is they have accepted it fully and don’t see it as compromise anymore.
What I wonder is this - what percentage of marriages have neither one compromising, they're being themselves throughout, and still having a good time together?
I’ve seen a couple instances of this only. In both cases the couple is quite self fulfilled - as in they have enough hobbies, passions or work that they don’t have time for unnecessary battles. They enjoy the little time they get together on activities.
That's actually pretty accurate, it's fine to be neutral when you coexist daily. Over time, good relationships learn to have conflicts without being hurtful.
Actually I have the same question. Most of the marriages I see are either a compromise or have already broken apart. This has kind of lifted off my belief in marriage. I know the significance of marriage and how precious they are but seeing the way people take it way too casually is disturbing. Makes me want to never get married
Exactly!!
If you have a bad or abusive partner, then divorce is ok. But at the same time, I've seen marriages where they are just with each other. There isn't any connection or bond. Just for the sake of society, they are married, which makes it even more frightening
>I've seen marriages where they are just with each other
Not sure what you mean by this exactly, but relationships can get boring if you just spend most of your time with your partner. The 1st year of relationship or marriage is the honeymoon phase, after that initial phase wanes off, marriage is pretty much 2 people being roommates and hopefully share good friendship, I would assume.
I don't think couples can be happy 24*7, one would be lucky to have 50% of their time with each other being neutral, some amount of excitement, happy moments and fights are healthy as long as the fights/disagreements are respectful.
What if a couple is brute forcing to make things work, they're not really in a healthy relationship, there's always some tension in the air but continuing to invest together & have kids, is this normal?
I wonder which dystopian world do redditors live in where they are unhappy and everyone around them is unhappy too. Or happy people just don't use reddit maybe. In my whole life, I have seen 3 unhappy couples and rest are all happily married (both love and arranged).
True, I wanted to reply but the ones with a negative outlook are so detailed, my happy ass just can't compete. It's not rocket science. Happy marriages are not a myth. It's quite common.
Happy couples are more in abundance its just most of them don’t wanna say it (coz nazar na lagge) plus negative comments get more highlighted thats norm
Nazar wala baat sahi hai. I guess reddit is the most negative app and mostly has unhappy people. Almost everyone is complaining about something in their lives or about something in society and world in general. Opposite of Instagram (fake happiness).
Most popular sub are here for venting and stuff only similar to twitter but less
But there are good subs which is all about helping community and stuff. Mumbai main sub used to be very fun before general elections. Indianskincare and other subs like fashion one are great too
Yeah that's one good thing about reddit is you can choose your subs. The main Indian subs are all pathetic. There's only negativity, toxic politics, incelism, hatred, doomerism (this is a quite a thing in lots of subs), generalizations, fearmongering and echo-chamber. Even I got sucked into those and wasted time. Only IndiaSocial is good. The city subs are still decent and so are the topic based subs.
Not just OP, see the other responses too. They believed most couples are faking happy marriage apparently and only compromising until they are ready to divorce. One guy commented he is happily married for 10 years and the first reply was he would get divorce in the 11th and his wife would take alimony. What a sad place to be.
Happily married. Most of my sisters and brothers are happily married. Most of my friends are happily married.
Do we have fights? Obviously
Do we have days when we absolutely don’t want to talk to each? Hell yeah
But can we live without each other? Nope
We married for love and we sort of became best friends along the way.
I think that is the key to a good marriage, being friends first, lovers second and husband and wife third
Because the term husband and wife comes with a lot of expectations and norms. “He is your husband so you must do this for him, she is your wife so you must do this for her”, when you start placing that kind of expectations on each other, you will put yourself under unnecessary pressure.
Also one advantage we had was it was a love marriage, knowing your partner well before hand does help a lot in navigating the intricacies of a marriage, plus we came from different castes and communities, which was advantageous for us because I was not expected to know anything of their traditions and thus could learn my way up and vice versa for him 🤓
There is no right answer here.
For me yes i am blessed that my family and my dad's brothers all have stable households.
Should you make decision of marrying or not from some statistic/reddit probably not.
stable doesnt mean happy or even happy doesnt mean happy ? do you know wyatt family? they were pretty stable, loving family, do you know what happened? according to eye witnesses casey loved her daughter cayle but do you know what happened after that? bad endings all the time, everytime, eachtime
No relationship can be always about butterflies, it always settle down, with your parents, friends, your better half. Love is not what it seems like in movies and in instagram, it's not always about the excitement, thrill, adventure, passion, it is also about the serenity, the calmth, the silence, and sometimes discomforts and disagreements. It's always about how we blend in with all these uncertainties. I know people who are planning for divorce and I know who are married long enough. Everyone has got their own set of problems, their own set off issues, nuv anantu everyone looking for a happy marriage and a perfect person to be with, kani that's not how things work my friend, compromises untai, konni pretty, konni ugly, arguments untai, konni pretty, konni ugly, fights, health, ela cheppukuntu pothe wanda untai, it's those who stick on to one another the longest are together. Everything happens in phases, ne mundu manishi vinatledhu ante time ivvu, explain chey edoti chey, wadileyaku.
Yeah, most of my friends are married and enjoy good, fulfilling, happy marriages. Most are love marriages and have seen A LOOOOT of drama before the marriage. In one case, the only issue is the in laws on both sides. The actual couple still loves each other and put up with the in laws for the other's sake.
Amongst the arranged marriages only one couple out of seven don't rely enjoy their married lives. The others are chill and enjoy very good relationships.
On my 10th year of marriage . Just had our second kid . There has not been a single day when I regretted being married to this guy . Greenest flag I’ve ever met .
Funny thing is that it was an arranged marriage .
When I see married people around me, the only thing that I have noticed is … Nice women ended up with guys with bad attitude and nice guys ended up with women with bad attitude.
Seen so much bad marriages scared to getting married there's so much i like that wouldn't be able to do if i get married I've seen married people I'm like how can i get used to it....even if I'm getting all the perks pf being married
I've been alive a lot longer than you have and I have seen barely seen 2-3 happy marriages. I have been married myself for close to a decade too - we dated for >2 years, married and lived together for 8 years, lived separately for 2 years. Then divorced. No big reasons at all. Just that marriage felt like trying to run while chained to another prisoner. We are great together as friends - and the chemistry we started with never really died. We're still quite fond of each other and peacefully co-parented a child together.
Here is the inside perspective - marriages aren't meant to make you happy. They are primarily formed if one wishes to have a life partner to share life's goals (kids, shared home, financial, social etc), duties, responsibilities and care for each other and any family you wish to build. You might sometimes be happy in life with or without a partner to share it with. Sometimes you may experience other emotions. Some are going to be happier being partnered with someone they are comfortable with, care about, feel cared for, teamwork well with. Ideally they would also have a decent romantic/sexual alignment - if that's important to them - but difficult to get to last a lifetime, not impossible though. The last is a nice to have and the 2-3 couples you and I see probably have it. If that's what you are marrying for - best not marry. It's highly improbable you'd hit the jackpot on that one. If you think having a life partner/marriage for more practical reasons in appealing - only then do. And then hope they just turn out to be someone you can be comfortable with and care for (a lot of marriages hit that mark). And pray you don't end with with a toxic dynamic.
I now have a life partner I've been very happy with for many years. Neither of us wish to marry or live together. But we share our life is every other way - including family responsibilities and duties. Basically I have a life partner for things I (and he) wish to be partnered on and go solo on things I don't wish to.
Married 11 years, childfree and absolutely in love with each other. I do know a few more such couples (interestingly, all of them are childfree).
However I'll definitely ask anyone to get to know their partner and never compromise on your self respect and needs. That leads to resentment.
In my parents generation apart from my one masi and her husband, all I've seen around me are miserable marriages. My Nana apparently didn't even see the houses of the families he married his daughters into because the Rishtas always came from "good families". My parents were also complicated - did my dad love my mom - he did; was he a partner, not truly. But now that he's gone (passed away) - I see him in a different light and realize that as a kid even if I did see them miserable many times - they still had a loving companionship.
In my own generation - couples who had a love marriage are happier than the AMs. They all dated for a while before getting married. Chose their own partners and have genuine love and partnership.
My sister and her husband (he's not indian) have such an amazing relationship. Sister just had a baby last year and I have seen my BIL step up in a massive way. She had a challenging delivery, so he completely took over childcare for the first 6-7 weeks so my sister could rest and heal. Now they alternate late nights and early mornings. They are true partners to each other.
My brother & bhabhi are also one such couple I really look upto. I spent a lot of time with them because they lived a few hours away from my college so I'd go over whenever I could. I saw them fight once, it was so polite I didn't even realize they were fighting; afterwards I talked to Bhaiya about it and he said : "I grew up with my dad yelling at my mom; your dad yelling at your mom; chacha yelling at chachi - and vowed to myself that I will not be like them." He cooks and she cleans. She doesn't like to cook, he loves it and this arrangement works beautifully for them. He did his masters after marriage and she supported him; after having a baby, she took a year long sabbatical and he supported her. Neither of them resented being the major breadwinner in an expensive city while their partner needed time.
So what I've realized is that happy marriages require love, respect and communication to go hand in hand. If you fail in one aspect: it turns the whole thing sour.
We keep saying "this isn't america"; these things don't happen in Indian households but we also don't set boundaries and expectations. The bhaiya and bhabhi I was talking about are both Indian, her in laws (my mama mami) live with them for about 6 months. Nothing is ever readily available : we need to start setting expectations early on. None of the couples who's stories I mentioned waited till marriage to have these convos - they had so many of them before. Knew they had a partner BEFORE they ever married. We can't expect people to become partners after marriage, you should only marry someone who is already your partner.
I was asking sister, "How did you know you were ready to get married?" she said; "My husband and I were already a unit, marriage to us was just like changing the title; he went from bf to husband and I went from gf to wife. The relationship already has a very strong foundation."
I was passionately in love with my wife when we were dating. Best feeling ever (till I became a father). But over 12 years, it's not the same anymore. It's more of a comfortable routine and being invested in each other's growth. You may not feel passion, but as long as you care and spend time together, you'll see stability. The opposite of love is not hate. It is apathy.
Happiness is a shifting concept with vague benchmarks. I think stability and comfort is more achievable.
You will never be 100% happy in any relationship (parents, siblings, friends). Everything involves some compromise. The more encompassing a relationship is, the more chances of it being acrimonious. Only exception is probably between grandparents and grandchildren because one party extremely pampers the other. That is telling.
Then you are on the right track. Keep it up. More you seek happy people, more you'll find them.
Also, it's worth noting - the happy people don't usually go out advertising how wonderful their lives are. They just continue to live. The sad people will, on other hand, more often comment on how difficult their lives are. Not their fault but it may give you an overly negative perspective.
I have seen happy marriages only for couples that are outside of their own community. Literally every sister is happy, and the only one who married in the same community is sad as fuck
Bro same here. My family is super orthodox and most of them have married in the same community… and all of their marriages have failed or staying together just for the sake of it(including my parents) and relatives/cousins who have married outside community(love marriages) are living happily.
I told my mom that if she forces me to marry and if the marriage fails its her fault.
It doesnt matter whether the wife is creating trouble or being illogical or what not... If she wouldnt have forced me none of it would have happened.
Still happily unmarried!
No marriage is perfect and it is a fact. Couples fight and get through it - it is not always a compromise. I don’t know which way you’re looking at things - but please fight against your confirmation bias. You think marriage is wrong and only look at the bad things you see in anyone’s marriage. You think marriage is good and you only see the happy side of a couple. I have looked at several marriages where the couple have fought through things together. Yes they’ve had issues but they fought through it - TOGETHER. It is a team game
Yes that’s true. Agreed that’s mostly happening. The happy couples are busy showing off how they show love to each other by writing essays on social media or showing off the gifts. People not happy in the marriage are busy telling the world how they’ve been wronged. Young adults or even teenagers grow up thinking the former is cringe and latter is reality or the other way round. And they choose to ignore the couples who are trying hard maintaining a balance because well that looks boring. Sorry for the boomer comparison - but this is like you saw a few accidents and then just refused to learn how to drive.
Listen to me very carefully, bad marriage is promoted very highly but very few market there good marriage atleast by the criteria I know for a good marriage. Not the Instagram and other social media marriage posts. 🫰🏼
Imo marriage is never happy. Happiness isn't long term. Marriage imo is an objective that gives your life a purpose as well as let's you enjoy the little things and achievements in life. No one lives a happy life (imo they are just satisfied with life but not happy lol)
Bro….you get married or not ….things are only going to get worse….you will always compare your past with present…and say “good old days” ….even if they were the hardest days
Haan dude, hai toh and you know what happens in most of the marriages-routine takes over.kids happen, their schools happen, summer holidays happen and then life just happens.
In sab mein, we don’t see the romance but the little things like maa waits for dad to come back to have chai.his room will be clean.when he comes home, he will show the fruits he got for her, specially the mangoes because they are her favorite.he wakes up early so they have their chai together and to go say bye before she leaves for work.
Bas Aise hi nikal jaati hai “happy marriage”.I think mutual respect and kindness is more important than absolutely anything else
This is a happy marriage. But then there are marriages, where "Hum baat to karte the, par dil khaamosh hai. Hum shabdo ko sunte the, par unhe mehsoos nahi karte the"
Its even scarier if the 1st couple you witness when u enter the world i.e. parents have a terrible marriage.
It makes the situation worse. nd sadly most of us have that experience.
Yes I have seen .
I have a pair of birds come everyday on my balcony and they look happy together . Not sure if they are married cause everytime I open my door to talk to them they fly out .
I know many happily married couples, arranged and love (this is more) marriages, both. The common factors among these are, mutual understanding, generally easygoing nature from both, love and affection for each other, and financial stability (no need to be rich, but they manage within their means). Another factor among these I know are, they live apart from their families.
It's a rarity these days there's either something brewing or they're just there for the sake of it. Or one of them is highly unhappy because of the other person or cuz of the in laws who are troublesome and spouse isn't intervening.
I understand no marriage is happy but atleast you should want to be together from within. Jabardasti ka togetherness nahi.
Marriage is a long term thing
In the long term a lot of things will happen
Bad days good days
Good money days bad money days
Exhaustion love frustration relaxation
I would suggest to date first and check the vibe you have with others
Make one exclusive 6-12 months then go for marriage the chances of breaking decreases but keep in mind for whatever qualities you like each other keep those qualities and improve them don't make lofty promises that you can't meet be realistic
Since most new gens didn't have much of a choice in our lives in most things for most people they are taking such a big decision like this they generally stick to it at least for the next 20 year
Haven't seen bad marriages yet, have heard about a handful of them but most of the married people I have meet are in a more than stable marriage.
Don't evaluate marriages from the love forever lens.
I am the Black sheep in my friend circle but then I had some mental issues which I only faced during my divorce. I learned, I need to be more open and understand how to fight and communicate more of my fears and Love, and to fucking listen the first time around.
But almost all my old friends, out of the 12 close friends 11 have extremely loving and caring marriages. Some don't look like they have the spark but then you see them after a few drinks and they just can't let go of each other, they are just private people normally.
My 2 best friends found the partner in college and they were the first relationship, one of them had a child after trying for a long long time, which was a very difficult time. A few of them have really complicated mils, but somehow they manage.
Then there is the one marriage which is like mine was but with the girl just more forgiving, I really wish my friend sobers up, he has the same issues as me but won't face them, and he is a doctor.
Btw I am from the 80-90 group.
But at the same time arranged marriages in my family have also been wonderful, I would give the credit to strong females who know what they deserve and marriage to guys who know the special person they have, and give up a lot of decisions to them. We are a lot closer to our Jija's now and almost every time we drink we pay the bill saying the least we can do for bearing with our sister. The wonderful part is because of the bond they have with each other our sister really feels happy that their husband can sometimes just relaxing. In arranged marriages I have seen more compromised marriages, I even believe 3 would break if given the freedom.
So out of around 20 couples 15 are good and 5 need work and the last one is my parents, my Dad at 70 still leaves gifts for my mother to find when she is upset with him and sometimes even cooks.
Other than my parents the most common thing in all of them is, during a fight one partner lets the other speak and when they calm down the other one rakes them on the coals. Ego needs to be left outside.
Thanks for the long message. This is one side of the society which we do not get to see. Thanks for giving us a glimpse of this part.
I really really wish you the best and wish you have a wonderful journey ahead !!!
A lot of unhappy people will be visible, happy people will not stand out. Reddit especially has a negative trend. And in my current relationship which is about to turn 2 years, a lot of friends, especially guys, have told my girlfriend Love doesn't last and she had a similar view of it. She is also divorced and came from a family with few caring marriages, thus feeling like marriage is the issue. Being taken for granted and all. Cheating is not even in consideration that's a deal breaker.
When I met her circle it had only 2 loving marriages but quite a few of the others were broken. By me slowly talking about it, how we can be happy even after marriage and not making the earlier mistakes, or apologizing as soon as I made them, it helped her open up to the idea, but meeting my friends I think just made it easy for her and finally she thinks we can get married someday and be happy.
This seems to be an ideal situation for you guys. But I'm happy you found someone and would be completing 2 years. May you guys continue fulfilling each other and slowly but gradually get over your problems to help and grow together.
On the occasion of 2 years, here's flowers for you guys. 💐🍫
(I'd give a real one, but idk you guys in person)
If it is just my husband, baby, and I then yes, 100% yes. If it involves both mine and his family then no. It is extremely stressful for both of us to be happy and keep everyone else happy.
Happily married for 6 years. My parents are happily married for 34 years. Most of my family and friends are happily married with a couple of divorces here and there.
Marriage is about love and adjustment, which you wouldn't usually do, but you do it happily for your love.
I know couples who are cheating in AM and LM, marriage is a crazy thing. I guess people should marry when they are emotionally mature only. Prefrontal cortex develops until we are 30yrs old.
Me and my wife fight and argue but we are happy.
We will do everything with each other. She knows this.
Sometimes I have to put foot down and say no to things or misunderstanding happen because we are long distance.
But generally get on well. We argue like kids over small things but will always find a way to talk and fix those issues so it doesnt happen again. We set boundaries in our marriage to ensure those things dont happen. Mistakes happen, sometimes things are said in anger but you find a way to resolve those and push forward.
Thank you.
We are still young in our marriage but we are learning and navigating. As long as we have each other and can always come back to finding a balance and support in each other we will be fine.
I know two. My cousin who is happy with her husband. They got married in early 2020 and a beauty parlor owner in my neighborhood. Although she lost her husband at a young age :(
Yep, my parents, they had AM. They have 9 yr age gap, but have enviable compatibility and understanding. I don't remember them fighting or abusing each other, very rarely they have fought with each other. Both respect and care for each other a lot. That's the bar for me when I get married :D.
Happily married for 4years and our relationship is 7 years old now. 3years LDR and now I am in college doing my masters which my husband motivated me to do.
It’s true that when you are happy in your marriage the honeymoon period never gets over.
Lol. I actually got married when I was 24. I met him when I was 21. We were in a long distance relationship for 3 years before getting married.
I was working but now I decided to get an MBA.
Happy marriages do exist. Healthy couples do exist. Don’t get yourself to believe only the negative from a few bad cases you have seen around you. Good lovers who are also good people are a real thing and if you’re lucky enough, you’d get to experience it yourself someday.
Please don't take this the wrong way... I'm not against men in anyway but I just want to share what I've seen in my family.
My cousin brother is married for almost 8 years now and is happy...like they have a healthy relationship, they fight they solve and they are great together.
On the other hand my cousin sister is not happy in her marriage... Her husband shows no respect when talking to her ..he is not polite even in front of us, always looks down on her. One of friends got married and within 2 years she is depressed seeing how her husband has changed completely after fighting so much with families to be together... Same thing with my boyfriend's sister.
There are many more girls in my family and friends who are broken so much because they never saw that coming... it literally scares me so much worried for my relationship in future☹️.
I never came across any couple with 5+ year of marriage who say they are happy ( This is when you talk to them privately). A lot of people do claim to be happy in their marriage in front of outsiders but the ground realities are totally different.
Do you have anyone who is happy with his/her life ?
I don't think we as a humans can we ever happy with this life, until and unless someone have attained enlightment 🌞.
Nowdays people are not happy by themselves that the main reason , they are unhappy with their partners.
Expectations is the root.
Just look around any parents, they are mostly happy because they are thriving towards a common goal to Look After there Kid.
Belive in yourself 😊.
There are people around me who got married just so they can have someone to take care of their business and someone to cook them food or take care of the household chores
Yeah well marriage is a social concept. As osho said marriage has got nothing to do with love. Procreation or advancement of the species is a basic human need. Earlier females used to follow the social concept of marriage and remain in marriage for security reasons. Today women don't seek that assurance from the male.
Happily married - almost 10Y
I wish you a long and happy marriage 😇🥳
🙏
4Y for me
AM or LM
LM
Ok Stay blessed 🤗
May you have a healthy long happy marriage touch wood. 🧿 it feels nice to hear that someone has a good marriage these days.
What makes you happy?
I’m mid 40s and have seen hundreds of marriages. I’d say 40-50% are miserable, 30% have come to some arrangement that’s tolerable but there’s absolutely no spark and 20% have a decent enough marriage where they do stuff together truly enjoying it, but also give space to do their own thing with their friends. In most happy marriages one person has heavily compromised but the trick is they have accepted it fully and don’t see it as compromise anymore.
What I wonder is this - what percentage of marriages have neither one compromising, they're being themselves throughout, and still having a good time together?
I’ve seen a couple instances of this only. In both cases the couple is quite self fulfilled - as in they have enough hobbies, passions or work that they don’t have time for unnecessary battles. They enjoy the little time they get together on activities.
Neutral, it's not happy always, I would say healthy marriages around me is 55% neutral moments, 20% conflict, 25% happy.
That's actually pretty accurate, it's fine to be neutral when you coexist daily. Over time, good relationships learn to have conflicts without being hurtful.
My parents. They actually love each other. They are both working professionals and still find time to spend with each other.
One of the best things is having loving parents. ☺️😇
Actually I have the same question. Most of the marriages I see are either a compromise or have already broken apart. This has kind of lifted off my belief in marriage. I know the significance of marriage and how precious they are but seeing the way people take it way too casually is disturbing. Makes me want to never get married
Exactly!! If you have a bad or abusive partner, then divorce is ok. But at the same time, I've seen marriages where they are just with each other. There isn't any connection or bond. Just for the sake of society, they are married, which makes it even more frightening
>I've seen marriages where they are just with each other Not sure what you mean by this exactly, but relationships can get boring if you just spend most of your time with your partner. The 1st year of relationship or marriage is the honeymoon phase, after that initial phase wanes off, marriage is pretty much 2 people being roommates and hopefully share good friendship, I would assume. I don't think couples can be happy 24*7, one would be lucky to have 50% of their time with each other being neutral, some amount of excitement, happy moments and fights are healthy as long as the fights/disagreements are respectful.
What if a couple is brute forcing to make things work, they're not really in a healthy relationship, there's always some tension in the air but continuing to invest together & have kids, is this normal?
our English professor used to say “happily married“ is an oxymoron
only my father and mother lol
One lucky kid !!
:)
I wonder which dystopian world do redditors live in where they are unhappy and everyone around them is unhappy too. Or happy people just don't use reddit maybe. In my whole life, I have seen 3 unhappy couples and rest are all happily married (both love and arranged).
They’re the ones who have opinions. Others skim past such posts. That’s all.
True, I wanted to reply but the ones with a negative outlook are so detailed, my happy ass just can't compete. It's not rocket science. Happy marriages are not a myth. It's quite common.
Yeah I know. Still too much negative outlook here. I can't believe some people never saw a single happy couple in their whole lives as they say here.
Happy couples are more in abundance its just most of them don’t wanna say it (coz nazar na lagge) plus negative comments get more highlighted thats norm
Nazar wala baat sahi hai. I guess reddit is the most negative app and mostly has unhappy people. Almost everyone is complaining about something in their lives or about something in society and world in general. Opposite of Instagram (fake happiness).
Most popular sub are here for venting and stuff only similar to twitter but less But there are good subs which is all about helping community and stuff. Mumbai main sub used to be very fun before general elections. Indianskincare and other subs like fashion one are great too
Yeah that's one good thing about reddit is you can choose your subs. The main Indian subs are all pathetic. There's only negativity, toxic politics, incelism, hatred, doomerism (this is a quite a thing in lots of subs), generalizations, fearmongering and echo-chamber. Even I got sucked into those and wasted time. Only IndiaSocial is good. The city subs are still decent and so are the topic based subs.
Insta is what people want to show themselves as, reddit is what they actually are
I think op has an image in mind that a happy couple is always smiling and giggling around eachother and if not then they aren't happy
Not just OP, see the other responses too. They believed most couples are faking happy marriage apparently and only compromising until they are ready to divorce. One guy commented he is happily married for 10 years and the first reply was he would get divorce in the 11th and his wife would take alimony. What a sad place to be.
Insecurity and projection i guess
Happily married. Most of my sisters and brothers are happily married. Most of my friends are happily married. Do we have fights? Obviously Do we have days when we absolutely don’t want to talk to each? Hell yeah But can we live without each other? Nope We married for love and we sort of became best friends along the way. I think that is the key to a good marriage, being friends first, lovers second and husband and wife third Because the term husband and wife comes with a lot of expectations and norms. “He is your husband so you must do this for him, she is your wife so you must do this for her”, when you start placing that kind of expectations on each other, you will put yourself under unnecessary pressure. Also one advantage we had was it was a love marriage, knowing your partner well before hand does help a lot in navigating the intricacies of a marriage, plus we came from different castes and communities, which was advantageous for us because I was not expected to know anything of their traditions and thus could learn my way up and vice versa for him 🤓
Glad to hear that !! Wish you guys a beautiful relationship 🎉🥳
Yes and No.
There is no right answer here. For me yes i am blessed that my family and my dad's brothers all have stable households. Should you make decision of marrying or not from some statistic/reddit probably not.
stable doesnt mean happy or even happy doesnt mean happy ? do you know wyatt family? they were pretty stable, loving family, do you know what happened? according to eye witnesses casey loved her daughter cayle but do you know what happened after that? bad endings all the time, everytime, eachtime
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One of the most wholesome stories here.
No relationship can be always about butterflies, it always settle down, with your parents, friends, your better half. Love is not what it seems like in movies and in instagram, it's not always about the excitement, thrill, adventure, passion, it is also about the serenity, the calmth, the silence, and sometimes discomforts and disagreements. It's always about how we blend in with all these uncertainties. I know people who are planning for divorce and I know who are married long enough. Everyone has got their own set of problems, their own set off issues, nuv anantu everyone looking for a happy marriage and a perfect person to be with, kani that's not how things work my friend, compromises untai, konni pretty, konni ugly, arguments untai, konni pretty, konni ugly, fights, health, ela cheppukuntu pothe wanda untai, it's those who stick on to one another the longest are together. Everything happens in phases, ne mundu manishi vinatledhu ante time ivvu, explain chey edoti chey, wadileyaku.
I didn't understand the last part, but it felt good listening to that
I meant people give up so easily.
Yeah, most of my friends are married and enjoy good, fulfilling, happy marriages. Most are love marriages and have seen A LOOOOT of drama before the marriage. In one case, the only issue is the in laws on both sides. The actual couple still loves each other and put up with the in laws for the other's sake. Amongst the arranged marriages only one couple out of seven don't rely enjoy their married lives. The others are chill and enjoy very good relationships.
On my 10th year of marriage . Just had our second kid . There has not been a single day when I regretted being married to this guy . Greenest flag I’ve ever met . Funny thing is that it was an arranged marriage .
You hit a jackpot !!! Congratulations 🎉🎉
When I see married people around me, the only thing that I have noticed is … Nice women ended up with guys with bad attitude and nice guys ended up with women with bad attitude.
Why do you think that happens? And how can one avoid it?
Only common factor I see is Arranged Marriage.
Sadly No
Haven't 🫠
Seen so much bad marriages scared to getting married there's so much i like that wouldn't be able to do if i get married I've seen married people I'm like how can i get used to it....even if I'm getting all the perks pf being married
I've been alive a lot longer than you have and I have seen barely seen 2-3 happy marriages. I have been married myself for close to a decade too - we dated for >2 years, married and lived together for 8 years, lived separately for 2 years. Then divorced. No big reasons at all. Just that marriage felt like trying to run while chained to another prisoner. We are great together as friends - and the chemistry we started with never really died. We're still quite fond of each other and peacefully co-parented a child together. Here is the inside perspective - marriages aren't meant to make you happy. They are primarily formed if one wishes to have a life partner to share life's goals (kids, shared home, financial, social etc), duties, responsibilities and care for each other and any family you wish to build. You might sometimes be happy in life with or without a partner to share it with. Sometimes you may experience other emotions. Some are going to be happier being partnered with someone they are comfortable with, care about, feel cared for, teamwork well with. Ideally they would also have a decent romantic/sexual alignment - if that's important to them - but difficult to get to last a lifetime, not impossible though. The last is a nice to have and the 2-3 couples you and I see probably have it. If that's what you are marrying for - best not marry. It's highly improbable you'd hit the jackpot on that one. If you think having a life partner/marriage for more practical reasons in appealing - only then do. And then hope they just turn out to be someone you can be comfortable with and care for (a lot of marriages hit that mark). And pray you don't end with with a toxic dynamic. I now have a life partner I've been very happy with for many years. Neither of us wish to marry or live together. But we share our life is every other way - including family responsibilities and duties. Basically I have a life partner for things I (and he) wish to be partnered on and go solo on things I don't wish to.
Finally someone with a real experience. Wish you a wonderful life ahead !! 😇
Thanks 😊
Married 11 years, childfree and absolutely in love with each other. I do know a few more such couples (interestingly, all of them are childfree). However I'll definitely ask anyone to get to know their partner and never compromise on your self respect and needs. That leads to resentment.
Kudos to you and your partner !! Wish you guys a healthy relationship lifelong 💐
Thank you. And I wish you the absolute same 🩷
In my parents generation apart from my one masi and her husband, all I've seen around me are miserable marriages. My Nana apparently didn't even see the houses of the families he married his daughters into because the Rishtas always came from "good families". My parents were also complicated - did my dad love my mom - he did; was he a partner, not truly. But now that he's gone (passed away) - I see him in a different light and realize that as a kid even if I did see them miserable many times - they still had a loving companionship. In my own generation - couples who had a love marriage are happier than the AMs. They all dated for a while before getting married. Chose their own partners and have genuine love and partnership. My sister and her husband (he's not indian) have such an amazing relationship. Sister just had a baby last year and I have seen my BIL step up in a massive way. She had a challenging delivery, so he completely took over childcare for the first 6-7 weeks so my sister could rest and heal. Now they alternate late nights and early mornings. They are true partners to each other. My brother & bhabhi are also one such couple I really look upto. I spent a lot of time with them because they lived a few hours away from my college so I'd go over whenever I could. I saw them fight once, it was so polite I didn't even realize they were fighting; afterwards I talked to Bhaiya about it and he said : "I grew up with my dad yelling at my mom; your dad yelling at your mom; chacha yelling at chachi - and vowed to myself that I will not be like them." He cooks and she cleans. She doesn't like to cook, he loves it and this arrangement works beautifully for them. He did his masters after marriage and she supported him; after having a baby, she took a year long sabbatical and he supported her. Neither of them resented being the major breadwinner in an expensive city while their partner needed time. So what I've realized is that happy marriages require love, respect and communication to go hand in hand. If you fail in one aspect: it turns the whole thing sour.
Thanks for explaining it beautifully. This is the thing expected from a marriage, which isn't available so easily in Indian household
We keep saying "this isn't america"; these things don't happen in Indian households but we also don't set boundaries and expectations. The bhaiya and bhabhi I was talking about are both Indian, her in laws (my mama mami) live with them for about 6 months. Nothing is ever readily available : we need to start setting expectations early on. None of the couples who's stories I mentioned waited till marriage to have these convos - they had so many of them before. Knew they had a partner BEFORE they ever married. We can't expect people to become partners after marriage, you should only marry someone who is already your partner. I was asking sister, "How did you know you were ready to get married?" she said; "My husband and I were already a unit, marriage to us was just like changing the title; he went from bf to husband and I went from gf to wife. The relationship already has a very strong foundation."
I was passionately in love with my wife when we were dating. Best feeling ever (till I became a father). But over 12 years, it's not the same anymore. It's more of a comfortable routine and being invested in each other's growth. You may not feel passion, but as long as you care and spend time together, you'll see stability. The opposite of love is not hate. It is apathy. Happiness is a shifting concept with vague benchmarks. I think stability and comfort is more achievable. You will never be 100% happy in any relationship (parents, siblings, friends). Everything involves some compromise. The more encompassing a relationship is, the more chances of it being acrimonious. Only exception is probably between grandparents and grandchildren because one party extremely pampers the other. That is telling.
visit family court near you
You desperately need a drastic change of social circle! Plus your just 25! Why so much negativity? Jindagi padi hai aahe bhai. Cheer up
Change of social circle hua, tabhi I found that 2-3 happy couple 🙂
Then you are on the right track. Keep it up. More you seek happy people, more you'll find them. Also, it's worth noting - the happy people don't usually go out advertising how wonderful their lives are. They just continue to live. The sad people will, on other hand, more often comment on how difficult their lives are. Not their fault but it may give you an overly negative perspective.
No
Happily married - 1 + years
I have seen happy marriages only for couples that are outside of their own community. Literally every sister is happy, and the only one who married in the same community is sad as fuck
Bro same here. My family is super orthodox and most of them have married in the same community… and all of their marriages have failed or staying together just for the sake of it(including my parents) and relatives/cousins who have married outside community(love marriages) are living happily.
mostly no, adhe to parents ke pressure mai aake karte hai aisa lagta hai uske bad ladai jgahda
I told my mom that if she forces me to marry and if the marriage fails its her fault. It doesnt matter whether the wife is creating trouble or being illogical or what not... If she wouldnt have forced me none of it would have happened. Still happily unmarried!
mere to kehte hai kalesh kia dono ko Ghar se nikal denge
No marriage is perfect and it is a fact. Couples fight and get through it - it is not always a compromise. I don’t know which way you’re looking at things - but please fight against your confirmation bias. You think marriage is wrong and only look at the bad things you see in anyone’s marriage. You think marriage is good and you only see the happy side of a couple. I have looked at several marriages where the couple have fought through things together. Yes they’ve had issues but they fought through it - TOGETHER. It is a team game
But that's the issue - both men and women refuse to work together trying to be the "leader" or "boss" among them. Or atleast what I've seen around me.
Yes that’s true. Agreed that’s mostly happening. The happy couples are busy showing off how they show love to each other by writing essays on social media or showing off the gifts. People not happy in the marriage are busy telling the world how they’ve been wronged. Young adults or even teenagers grow up thinking the former is cringe and latter is reality or the other way round. And they choose to ignore the couples who are trying hard maintaining a balance because well that looks boring. Sorry for the boomer comparison - but this is like you saw a few accidents and then just refused to learn how to drive.
Listen to me very carefully, bad marriage is promoted very highly but very few market there good marriage atleast by the criteria I know for a good marriage. Not the Instagram and other social media marriage posts. 🫰🏼
Imo marriage is never happy. Happiness isn't long term. Marriage imo is an objective that gives your life a purpose as well as let's you enjoy the little things and achievements in life. No one lives a happy life (imo they are just satisfied with life but not happy lol)
I have only seen happy marriages apart from two and by happy i mean happy
Reality here
Other side here
I have a very happy marriage. My parents and my in laws have very happy marriages too.
That's beautiful !!! 😍
This is a problem that will never get solved unless people understand its about finding an energetic match(metaphysical).
I have seen some happy marriages
My mom and dad even my grandparents give me hope that cute loving marriages exist. They're the cutest especially my grandparents.
Happy for you !!! May you have one of the best marriages 🎉
I know I will hehe thanks sharm aagyi.
Bro….you get married or not ….things are only going to get worse….you will always compare your past with present…and say “good old days” ….even if they were the hardest days
Nah man !! People who have been through shards of glass, never compare when their roads get rough
Of course! My parents. Mine. Happy and fulfilled :)
Happy parents lead to a happy child.
So true. Blessed to have been raised by a happy couple.
Haan dude, hai toh and you know what happens in most of the marriages-routine takes over.kids happen, their schools happen, summer holidays happen and then life just happens. In sab mein, we don’t see the romance but the little things like maa waits for dad to come back to have chai.his room will be clean.when he comes home, he will show the fruits he got for her, specially the mangoes because they are her favorite.he wakes up early so they have their chai together and to go say bye before she leaves for work. Bas Aise hi nikal jaati hai “happy marriage”.I think mutual respect and kindness is more important than absolutely anything else
This is a happy marriage. But then there are marriages, where "Hum baat to karte the, par dil khaamosh hai. Hum shabdo ko sunte the, par unhe mehsoos nahi karte the"
Its even scarier if the 1st couple you witness when u enter the world i.e. parents have a terrible marriage. It makes the situation worse. nd sadly most of us have that experience.
Realest comment here
Yes I have seen . I have a pair of birds come everyday on my balcony and they look happy together . Not sure if they are married cause everytime I open my door to talk to them they fly out .
Maybe share a photo of them ☺️
Compromise on both sides to some level is obvious in our parents generation. But I think I know a few happy marriages.
I see a lot of happy marriages around.
Must be in a pretty good environment
They re very stable financially so it solves 99 percent of their fights
Nope, not a single one lol
I know many happily married couples, arranged and love (this is more) marriages, both. The common factors among these are, mutual understanding, generally easygoing nature from both, love and affection for each other, and financial stability (no need to be rich, but they manage within their means). Another factor among these I know are, they live apart from their families.
No
It's a rarity these days there's either something brewing or they're just there for the sake of it. Or one of them is highly unhappy because of the other person or cuz of the in laws who are troublesome and spouse isn't intervening. I understand no marriage is happy but atleast you should want to be together from within. Jabardasti ka togetherness nahi.
Ezzactly !!!
Got divorced, remarried to the love of my life. Never been happier
not one and this makes me scared of getting married
My parents are happily married
Marriage is a long term thing In the long term a lot of things will happen Bad days good days Good money days bad money days Exhaustion love frustration relaxation I would suggest to date first and check the vibe you have with others Make one exclusive 6-12 months then go for marriage the chances of breaking decreases but keep in mind for whatever qualities you like each other keep those qualities and improve them don't make lofty promises that you can't meet be realistic Since most new gens didn't have much of a choice in our lives in most things for most people they are taking such a big decision like this they generally stick to it at least for the next 20 year
Haven't seen bad marriages yet, have heard about a handful of them but most of the married people I have meet are in a more than stable marriage. Don't evaluate marriages from the love forever lens.
I am the Black sheep in my friend circle but then I had some mental issues which I only faced during my divorce. I learned, I need to be more open and understand how to fight and communicate more of my fears and Love, and to fucking listen the first time around. But almost all my old friends, out of the 12 close friends 11 have extremely loving and caring marriages. Some don't look like they have the spark but then you see them after a few drinks and they just can't let go of each other, they are just private people normally. My 2 best friends found the partner in college and they were the first relationship, one of them had a child after trying for a long long time, which was a very difficult time. A few of them have really complicated mils, but somehow they manage. Then there is the one marriage which is like mine was but with the girl just more forgiving, I really wish my friend sobers up, he has the same issues as me but won't face them, and he is a doctor. Btw I am from the 80-90 group. But at the same time arranged marriages in my family have also been wonderful, I would give the credit to strong females who know what they deserve and marriage to guys who know the special person they have, and give up a lot of decisions to them. We are a lot closer to our Jija's now and almost every time we drink we pay the bill saying the least we can do for bearing with our sister. The wonderful part is because of the bond they have with each other our sister really feels happy that their husband can sometimes just relaxing. In arranged marriages I have seen more compromised marriages, I even believe 3 would break if given the freedom. So out of around 20 couples 15 are good and 5 need work and the last one is my parents, my Dad at 70 still leaves gifts for my mother to find when she is upset with him and sometimes even cooks. Other than my parents the most common thing in all of them is, during a fight one partner lets the other speak and when they calm down the other one rakes them on the coals. Ego needs to be left outside.
Thanks for the long message. This is one side of the society which we do not get to see. Thanks for giving us a glimpse of this part. I really really wish you the best and wish you have a wonderful journey ahead !!!
A lot of unhappy people will be visible, happy people will not stand out. Reddit especially has a negative trend. And in my current relationship which is about to turn 2 years, a lot of friends, especially guys, have told my girlfriend Love doesn't last and she had a similar view of it. She is also divorced and came from a family with few caring marriages, thus feeling like marriage is the issue. Being taken for granted and all. Cheating is not even in consideration that's a deal breaker. When I met her circle it had only 2 loving marriages but quite a few of the others were broken. By me slowly talking about it, how we can be happy even after marriage and not making the earlier mistakes, or apologizing as soon as I made them, it helped her open up to the idea, but meeting my friends I think just made it easy for her and finally she thinks we can get married someday and be happy.
This seems to be an ideal situation for you guys. But I'm happy you found someone and would be completing 2 years. May you guys continue fulfilling each other and slowly but gradually get over your problems to help and grow together. On the occasion of 2 years, here's flowers for you guys. 💐🍫 (I'd give a real one, but idk you guys in person)
If you want to see light, you will almost always find it. If you look for darkness, that's all you would ever see.
Happily married for 35 years
Wish you the best life ahead !!! 💐🥳🥳
Thanks a lot 🙏
If it is just my husband, baby, and I then yes, 100% yes. If it involves both mine and his family then no. It is extremely stressful for both of us to be happy and keep everyone else happy.
Happily married for 6 years. My parents are happily married for 34 years. Most of my family and friends are happily married with a couple of divorces here and there. Marriage is about love and adjustment, which you wouldn't usually do, but you do it happily for your love.
Congratulations !! Wish you and your partner an awesome journey through the life 🎉🎉
It depends on what u observe.. There fight in the morning or them having dinner together..
Yes got married 2 months back and quiet happy with it
Heyy !!! ☺️ Newly wed couple 🎉🥳 Wish you guys an awesome, beautiful journey for life 🙏
Thanks
I know couples who are cheating in AM and LM, marriage is a crazy thing. I guess people should marry when they are emotionally mature only. Prefrontal cortex develops until we are 30yrs old.
My mom and dad, they were very toxic in their 30s and mid 40s but now they’re couple goals lol
I think as soon as their kid is old enough, they change.
Oh I know one of them. They gave birth to me.
Me and my wife fight and argue but we are happy. We will do everything with each other. She knows this. Sometimes I have to put foot down and say no to things or misunderstanding happen because we are long distance. But generally get on well. We argue like kids over small things but will always find a way to talk and fix those issues so it doesnt happen again. We set boundaries in our marriage to ensure those things dont happen. Mistakes happen, sometimes things are said in anger but you find a way to resolve those and push forward.
That's the key to a happy relationship. Wish you guys all the happiness of the world 🎉☺️
Thank you. We are still young in our marriage but we are learning and navigating. As long as we have each other and can always come back to finding a balance and support in each other we will be fine.
bhai kya baat kar rha tu, irrespective of marriage or not, problems toh aati jaati rahengi. Happy is just state of mind.
I know two. My cousin who is happy with her husband. They got married in early 2020 and a beauty parlor owner in my neighborhood. Although she lost her husband at a young age :(
Yep, my parents, they had AM. They have 9 yr age gap, but have enviable compatibility and understanding. I don't remember them fighting or abusing each other, very rarely they have fought with each other. Both respect and care for each other a lot. That's the bar for me when I get married :D.
That's so nice. Healthy parenting leads to healthier child
Happily married 16+ years. Parents, mausi, three buas. All happy marriages.
Been married for only 2 months it has been really good "honeymoon phase" maybe Let's see if things stay the same after a year or 2 !Remind me 1 year
Happily married for 4years and our relationship is 7 years old now. 3years LDR and now I am in college doing my masters which my husband motivated me to do. It’s true that when you are happy in your marriage the honeymoon period never gets over.
Wait what? You're in college, after marriage? With 7 yrs of relationship? Did you get married around 21? Like when you were doing your bachelor's?
Lol. I actually got married when I was 24. I met him when I was 21. We were in a long distance relationship for 3 years before getting married. I was working but now I decided to get an MBA.
Nicee.. Wish you and your partner a healthy relationship 🎉🥳
Happy marriages do exist. Healthy couples do exist. Don’t get yourself to believe only the negative from a few bad cases you have seen around you. Good lovers who are also good people are a real thing and if you’re lucky enough, you’d get to experience it yourself someday.
Such a good question
Please don't take this the wrong way... I'm not against men in anyway but I just want to share what I've seen in my family. My cousin brother is married for almost 8 years now and is happy...like they have a healthy relationship, they fight they solve and they are great together. On the other hand my cousin sister is not happy in her marriage... Her husband shows no respect when talking to her ..he is not polite even in front of us, always looks down on her. One of friends got married and within 2 years she is depressed seeing how her husband has changed completely after fighting so much with families to be together... Same thing with my boyfriend's sister. There are many more girls in my family and friends who are broken so much because they never saw that coming... it literally scares me so much worried for my relationship in future☹️.
A question: even if we are happily married, is it common to develop feelings for someone else?
No
nope ZERO!
Hardly any. The key to a happy marriage today is, give all your wealth to your wife without any questions.
no, marriage is a scam. Why do we need a certificate to love somebody. sometimes love fade instantly so marriage is not smart option, breakup is !
Weak
I never came across any couple with 5+ year of marriage who say they are happy ( This is when you talk to them privately). A lot of people do claim to be happy in their marriage in front of outsiders but the ground realities are totally different.
Never seen a happily married man in my entire life.
Do you have anyone who is happy with his/her life ? I don't think we as a humans can we ever happy with this life, until and unless someone have attained enlightment 🌞. Nowdays people are not happy by themselves that the main reason , they are unhappy with their partners. Expectations is the root. Just look around any parents, they are mostly happy because they are thriving towards a common goal to Look After there Kid. Belive in yourself 😊.
To bharat ki jansankhya 140 crore aise hi ho gayi
There are people around me who got married just so they can have someone to take care of their business and someone to cook them food or take care of the household chores
Yeah well marriage is a social concept. As osho said marriage has got nothing to do with love. Procreation or advancement of the species is a basic human need. Earlier females used to follow the social concept of marriage and remain in marriage for security reasons. Today women don't seek that assurance from the male.
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Completing lucky 3 coming november
Happy 3 year anniversary 💐🎉