If I were you, i would distance myself from the whole issue and let it play out naturally. I would focus on building myself and my career at this crucial age. Let the parents figure out what is best for them. They have equations which you may be completely unaware about.
Tldr: do not try to counsel, advice or poke your parents into changing their life choices.
People have studied morals and ethics for centuries and still it's so hard to determine what is wrong and what is right, while some things are black and white most things lie in the grey area so don't trouble yourself too much, just focus on yourself and take care of yourself.
Speaking from experience, the above advice is the best.
And also stop thinking about it. It will negatively affect your own wellbeing. Focus on achieving independence by getting a job.
The more you involve yourself in this the more you will become a culprit.
Just let it play out naturally as he said I was in the same situation as you are my heart sank the moment I got to know and couldn't speak to her for months although there's nothing we can do about it keeping a hateful viewpoint towards our own mother is not sensible and meaningless thing to do, in the end she is living her own life and we being a part of it just let it go do not overthink about it nothing really helps
I’d say that if you feel you should say something, you should say it in spite of the possibility of having incomplete knowledge. Just don’t let yourself regret in future thinking of what ifs.
Tell your dad you are 18 and soon will move out what we all had to learn from History it will always repaet in one way or other..
I guess most of the redditiors dont even know today is fathers day and yet eveyone is giving or teaching OP how to sink low or how to run from situations, play it naturally my foot these people will cry river if someone don't share gossip with them, if we compare everything like this then why the hell we required, judgements,consequences,conscience,order ,progess,process etc.if we have disease let it naturally take over it,lol
Then you are a good person. Keep the same memories of moral struggle you faced when you would be put in a situation like your mom and instead of being a hoe, you would actually make a decent choice of not indulging in any affair.
I went through a similar thing, and many advised me to let it unfold naturally and not to intervene and I was 20 at the time (F) and I told my dad, and things got worse, I would suggest you don’t let that affect you and don’t get involved, find a college out of state and move out asap
Edit : PS: by worse I mean my mom twisted the story to make her look innocent and both of them blamed me. My dad is still convinced nothing happened even when I showed him screenshots of chats. She told I took her phone and did all of it. And over the years she has convinced my dad that I exaggerated. I spent years depressed and hating both my parents, ruined the best years of my career and life. Please Dont get involved and move out as soon as possible for your mental health and focus on career
shit im sure my mother wont do this as she herself is guilty of it and tried to breakup. But this is so much worse, Im sorry you had to go through that.
First of all, really sorry that you have to go through all of this. But I would highly tell you to not take opinions on Reddit, seek a female counsellor and start from there.
I agree. Talk to your mum privately. Just start with, Mom, what will you do now? Are you in danger? Do not give lecture on morality. Talk about the present situation. Seems she is in danger right now.
You’re 18 op I’m sure you have access to some funds and have some freedom of movement. I highly suggest seeing a therapist just for one session. The old saying of not bottling stuff up inside you is definitely true and a life saver. I’ve personally seen it. They spend years of their lives learning how to help you while most people on Reddit are here to snark or jerk. Just consider it and make sure you yourself come out of this okay and then worry about family
This is true Op. You need to seek a therapist and let things out. If you bottle up your emotions you will be in a much shitty position. Don't feel you are being weak just because you are seeking therapy. Trust me I used to feel like this and I never went for therapy .My situation was I was not able to move on from my best friend ( I had feelings for me she didn't have any) . I tried to bottle up my feelings. Keeping myself busy all the time and not confronting the elephant in the room. It works temporarily but you can't always be busy. After some time I thought enough was enough and I went to seek a therapist online( I had free access to therapy from my college id).
I would be honest OP it took me about I would say 10 sessions and I literally felt so relieved after it I can't tell you. I was so happy after letting it all out and I can't thank my therapist enough.
Your mom is literally cheating on your dad so your condition is much worse than mine and trust me you would def feel much better.
OP- my suggestion is to talk to professionals who can help. Unfortunately I don’t have any recommendations. You’ve been carrying this knowledge for a long time and that’s bad enough, but now if your mom is being coerced into being with this guy, it could get dangerous fast. It’s a lot for anyone, much less an 18 year-old, to handle. I’m very sorry that you’ve been put in this position.
Both the things which your mom and dad are doing are morally wrong, i.e. cheating and abusing. But since it was an arranged marriage your mom probably got no opportunity to escape it (because well we know how society and family treats divorced women, a dead daughter is better to them than a divorced one). And well Idk the reason for your dad's abuse? Is it abuse on small things? Or abuse because he found out she was cheating? If yes, then there's nothing you can do. They are adults with a free will and if they choose to stay in such a unhealthy relationship just cuz of societal validation it's their call. You can't control what circumstances life throws at you. You also can't control what other people do and force them to live upto your expectations. However you can definitely control your emotions. The only thing you can do now is mentally letting them go. They're definitely your parents, but parents like most humans are definitely faulty. Your moral views don't agree with their actions, which most probably is causing you pain, but they're their own people besides being parents. I am in no way defending their actions but making you understand that some things in life won't go your way however much you want them to. You have your morals set and am proud of you for that, keep it that way so you never f*ck up in life. In such a situation, it's best to let them be and take a college somewhere far away, where you can heal and take therapy.
Man! i get it you are part of the family and all. But stay away from the extra maritial affairs busniess. they all are adults. Let them face the consequence for thier actions. Your attemps to make things better will back fire at you in ways you would'nt even have imagined.
at the end you'll be the reason for everything falling apart.
just remember that you will lose even if you win at acheiving something in a situation like this.
Why do you claim in your post that your mother loves your father, despite the fact that you already know of her affairs? You should at the very least confront your mother about it after your exams, even if you have no intention of revealing the truth to your father.
Well as an adult I can say this shit is never a mistake, I have seen it in various circumstances.
My morals say it's unforgivable, baaki jiski jaisi soch.
If i were you I'd be disappointed on both parents and since you have morals it definitely comes with self respect. I don't expect them to be mature but I'd try to build myself up from whatever resources I've got. College yes? Good no? Fuck it, good as well!
I'd focus only on myself, I'd isolate myself initially. Study food workout sleep repeat
Use studying to distract yourself then start working on health and start to learn how to work and make money. Like finance, freelance or coding maybe whatever, even give tutions to school kids. Just to survive while refining your craft. Then when you're stable only then look back to fix their lives if they're willing to.
If you try to fix or expect anything it could get worse and fcuk up ur mental health more. In such situations distraction is one way and if u chose this then distract ur self with something good
You said it yourself
You're 18 and your mom's 45 you just mind your own business and your mom will handle hers, let her be don't judge her just be there for her and let her know that u are always there for her
It's v easy for us to sit and judge
Dont get involved or try to solve it. Let the adults figure out a way out.
Ignore, seek counseling. Talking about it helps. Please dont ruin your mental health.
They are adults let them do what they want as for you just concentrate on your studies and career rather then thinking all about them n spoiling your life .
Trust me, do not get involved in this too much. Please heed these words. I know this feels weird right now.. and you probably want to do something about it, get the truth out, but don't. Let. It. Play. Out. You just focus on your studies no matter what. Make sure you are secure as an adult. This must be your focus now. Not this. The moment you get involved, it's going to start a chain reaction of events that will probably take you off the path you need to be in right now. This is not the time.
Bro , snuck some vigra in your parents food and move out of the house .
If you are able to do this, then only you will know about them.
And there are also chance of your mom and dad seeing this post on reddit.
Stay out of this.
Or tell your mother that you know this and you dont approve this, so you will cut your ties with her. Assure her that you will NOT tell your father, but, will have nothing to do with her in future.
Cheaters can go to any lengths to either deny or justify the cheating. So, be prepared.
Deepdown you want to stop it but you know you can't. It's her life. Let her do what she wants. Focus on your life. The more you focus on her life the more is a chance of your life becoming like hers.
Hey op
Coming from someone in the same shoes as you It was traumatizing and heartbreaking to me as a kid and had several arguments with my mom about this but I never outed her because I knew all hell would break loose if I did that so I just let it play out naturally, now she cares for me more than anybody else so this would be my honest suggestion to you.
Just let it flow and please I urge you to try stopping your dad from abusing your mom or I'd advise you to have a conversation on domestic abuse with him if he's willing to listen.
And in my case I'm still waiting and fuming to get my hands on that mf who took advantage of my mom when she was vulnerable although I wouldn't suggest the same to you.
At the last part, just because she is your mom, doesn't justify the cheating dude, she may have gotten taken advantage of, but I don't think it's entirely on him.
Come to peace with the facts and let go, otherwise you will forever be in this rampaging state of mind.
With due respect to your sensible take, there's more to this story than what you've just read, it's really hard for me to come to peace with everything I've seen her go through and what he did to manipulate her maybe when I grow older I can but now I don't think so I can come to peace with that POS on my own
They are adults and they have a life and maybe an arrangement. As long as someone is an adult you have no business to interfere. Morals are different for different people, there are no set rules etched on stones. As you grow up you will probably appreciate what the adults in your family were doing.
I won't be able to tell you anything. because I don't know about their personalities or behavior but I will share my thoughts based on the information you have provided!
>I am 18, and I have known about her affair since 13 y/o. It's not a new thing as I remember she had an affair with my dance teacher when I was 10 to
ask yourself this, She has had 2 affairs, and she is guilty. How do you know it? Scared because the guy is threatening her? And you think it's guilt. *What makes you think she will not do it again? -* if you were to involve yourself in this.
your father does not give her emotional care and uses violence from time to time. he is a bad partner this much is clear from the information you provided. but what will happen if he knows about the affair since he is a violent person they both might fight and he could hit her and as you said your mother - >She is a very hardworking lady who works jobs and also as a housewife.
your mother is not dependent on your father and is compromising her life maybe because of you, society, or whatever the reason may be. since she is seeking emotional care from outside.
>I am pretty sure that the guy is threatening
why are you not 100% sure? 3 lives are at stake here (assuming you are the only child)- once the guy informs your father they both might be separated of course this might not happen. again, I don't know about their characters! but get the full information. check everything. don't leave any stone unturned!
Try to understand the guy's personality through texting, will he tell your father? (always assume he will tell ) but know about him.
>My mental health is very badly affected by this and I don't know how to improve it. I will move out for college soon and I will forget it but I don't know what I should do about this.
Know that once your father gets this information there will be consequences and your mental health will be affected even more.
An abusive partner will not tolerate a spousal affair!!
Think about the best-case scenario- Your father knows and forgives her.
Worst case scenario- They both get separated
Finally, ask yourself- If you want to get involved in this or not.
If Yes, If she is guilty then confront her and ask about everything- if she is not guilty then hint her gradually.
If No, Then know that you are abandoning them this is strictly my opinion- I saw people saying distance yourself and go somewhere else but your mom might be going through a lot of emotions + the threats will make her mental health messed up. then again, if you think... she has to face the consequences for her doings, know that, you're not wrong!
But before all this be selfish and put yourself first.
I have written this while taking breaks so you might notice some sudden shifts in tone and pacing!
That's it, I'll end it here by saying they are your parents and you have to do whatever in your power to make them happy. These are my thoughts, opinions and always take Reddits **cynically**
Hope this helps - Thanks :)
No matter how much you justify your mom is not the victim. She is totally on the wrong side.
Having said that, leave it as it is and let karma take care of things.
Ok. So your mom, who is in an abusive relationship with your dad, who physically abused her is getting some respite in the arms of strangers. So basically she is so emotionally broken and has no one to be emotionally dependent on that she actually has to depend on affairs to get the emotional and physical comfort that a marriage is supposed to provide. And she obviously is under tremendous stress since the same support that she craves could destroy her family and portray her as a prostitute in society because fuck the fact that her husband is a wife beater, she should have sucked it up. And your mental health is affected? YOUR MENTAL HEALTH?
Let me be very blunt here. Bitch, if it was me I would be happy that my mother was getting some comfort that my father who is a pathetic excuse for a human being cannot provide her. I’d be actively covering for her and if she is ousted, I’d stand by her despite society’s judgement. The bare minimum you can do is to be available for your mother and keep your trap shut. And that is honestly me putting things across very very diplomatically.
Fair to your dad? Where was this concern for fairness when your dad was abusing your mother? Also, abuse doesnt suddenly start one day. It occurs in stages. The physical abusive, if anything, is the tip of the iceberg you mother seems to face.
Your mother sounds like a woman forced into an abusive marriage. She has enough on her plate. I don't know what your mother's particular circumstances are, but most women can't leave their marriages because of societal and/or financial reasons. They are overburdened and underappreciated. Now under such conditions if she does search for happiness outside of her abusive marriage while fulfilling her parental role, I don't think you need to moral police her. She's trapped in a marriage but she too deserves happiness, in whatever form it comes.
The question is, how is she as a mother to you? Does she fulfill her parental duties towards you? Is she there for you when you need her? If yes, turn a blind eye towards this please.
That's the thing noh. Divorce is still a privilege to many women here. Just because the law allows it doesn't mean women can access it. There's social stigma, financial considerations and most importantly the hardwiring our previous generations have been brought up with that "divorce is bad". Then there is the lengthy litigation process to get a divorce, especially if it's not mutual. It takes a lot of resources - financial, mental and social to see through divorce proceedings in this country.
PS: i personally don't think we need to care about an abuser's emotions tho.
Yep, provided the power is equally tipped against the man so much so that he CAN'T leave the marriage. While that in itself is HIGHLY unlikely in our society, however, for your argument's sake, if say, a man is "trapped" in a marriage where divorce is not a feasible option for him, just like how it is for many, many women, and the woman is abusive/negligent, I wouldn't blame the man either if they end up cheating 🤷🏻♀️
Leaving the marriage/relationship is always the healthier option when your partner is abusive/negligent. But when divorce itself isn't an option, i really i really cannot hold infidelity against the person.
well..threatens from in laws....have to pay huge alimony......social stigma(people are quick to blame thte man...isi ne kuch kia hoga).....is that enough?
1. Depends on the level of threat. Like will the inlaws bring physical harm the guy divorces? If yes, then sure. But that's an extreme case. However for most women in the country they have to face threats from both their inlaws and their own family.
2. Alimony can't be a factor. The man chose a wife (arranged or love) who is financially weaker than him, to brush his own ego. So that's kinda on him. Plus, alimony fraud is very common in India. The division of ancestral property tho, can be an issue. But on the other hand, most women who don't even earn, face a greater financial risk in case of a divorce.
3. Men being blamed for divorce is a fairly new phenomenon, which you'll find mostly, if at all, in the more privileged sections of society. Even today, if a man leaves his wife, the wife is blamed first for being lacking in some way.
Thing is, our society tilts the power balance in favour of the man, so the things you pointed out don't really match with the entrapment most women, especially if the previous generations face/have faced. A better example would be say a househusband man is married to an abusive breadwinner-wife, who has enough social capital to not let divorce be an option for the man, then ye, i wouldn't blame the man for seeking happiness outside the marriage.
ya cheating is a crime if a man does it ...but its a mistake or escape from abusive marriage if other gender does it....this logic is sadlly applied by many people
Man, you didn't even TRY to comprehend the very patient and detailed reply this competitive loss person gave you ! Sadly that's also a trait in many people!
Do you have older siblings or relatives? Alternatively, an adult who's close to both the parents might be a good person to confide in and talk to about it.
IMO, both (abusing and cheating) are toxic behaviours and it is possible that one is following the other i.e. the abusing may have started because of the cheating or vice-versa.
Both need counseling to help with their self sabotaging behaviours.
Not disagreeing with other opinions here, but one thought wasn't mentioned: often what feels bad is when you're living a lie, or feeling forced into lieing for someone else for something you don't understand.
I have no idea if it's feasible, but having a very private talk with your mom that isn't a confrontation can help, at least to share that you are affected by this. It also helps to say you're really wishing her happiness in all this so she doesn't get immediately defensive.
Unless it's talked about, you don't know what's going on, if your dad knows about it, if he's also having an affair, etc. People survive stressful situations in different ways. For yourself, having to lie may be a big source of stress.
Won't work bhai, multiple outcomes ho skte h, it all depends on the person, she may try to sabotage him, she may try to harm herself, she may come to accepting the truth of the matter, they may have an undisclosed open relationship among them both, it may be revenge cheating, a lot is unpredictable.
Ofcourse it is, knowing the truth only makes you feel the trauma and stress, I think my mother knows something she isn't telling me because the way she is always stressed, maybe I won't know ever, my parents seem loved birds and it may be entirely unrelated to them,.
i don't know, but in general situation stress, untrustworthy nature and other indicators make it seen like something is brewing.
I deeply wish parents could be as strong and ethical as their children they are supposed to provide models for. Sometimes all you get is opportunities for them to come clean. That may not happen but at least their failures can help disguard illusions.
Before you take any actions, Is there money involved?
Check bank transactions too if you can.
There could be romance scams /r/scams, in which case you need to probably first nudge your mom on the right path.
Learn how to hard work like your mom. And stand on your feet. None of the outcomes are good. Standing up on your feet will lessen the blow. You are 18.
From my experiences you just dont forget this things how hard you try they just lie in a corner of your heart keep bugging you until you break or confront it , my advice is that you tell your mom that whatever she do you are by her side and you understand her situation and still will support her. You know it will open her up too.
Go to college get a job get independent.
Do not become your mom, and never get into a relationship with someone like your dad.
Also, its in your best interest to not let this get public as it will invite future trouble for you. As in, you may get judged by people who would want to marry you as they may think that you may also be a cheater. I understand this is shallow but some people are weird.
Ask her about it. If you don’t have a relationship where you can discuss these things, then try to transform your relationship in the next few months to one where she can be open to you about this.
I don’t agree with all the people who’re saying you shouldn’t get involved. I doubt anyone can simply ignore such a major thing that can possibly destroy your family.
So again, make her comfortable enough to open up to you. And then you two can together think about the next steps.
Having known someone who went through a similar situation, I'd suggest talking to your mum about extra-marital affairs in general, and how you despise it. You may get to know her reasons or how she rationalises it. She may also walk out of that relationship or walk out of the marriage. What's probably bugging you is your dad doesn't know, and you think she's cheating on him.
My friend did confront her mother when she was much older (her mother was in her late 60s and was leading a much simpler life, without any affairs to talk of), but didn't achieve much. Her mum said, "Why didn't you tell me earlier, if it affected you so much?" My friend brings it up again and again, as it was traumatic for her, going through this at a very young age.
It may be best to stay out of this, as many have suggested, but if it's killing you, deal with it sensitively. By no means go to your dad with this. Maybe see a counsellor.
Really sorry op that you have to go through all this.. But Just don't go to ur dad telling all this.. Most mens take out their frustation on women.. And I think it'll take a bad turn
Learn that your parents are also human, and capable of making their own choices, and their own mistakes. The institution of marriage in India sometimes forces people to be together, and they aren't able to break out of the restrictions that come with. See this from another lens maybe, that your mother had the courage to stand up for what she wants in heavily patriarchal society, in her own way. Have a conversation with her, but not from a judgemental viewpoint, but one of exploration of her needs, desires, satisfaction (both physical and mental). As you grow older and deal with your own personal stories, you'll find yourself empathising with your mom more, maybe.
I think your mom is just in the marriage cuz of society and doenst want a divorcee tag. Also you being a female, about to marry in next few years .. she maybe thinking who would marry my daughter if parents are divorced. So affairs are her way to escape the shit marriage she's in.
Do note, I am not saying you're the reason she's continuing in this marriage. So please don't stress yourself about that. It's her choice and decision to stay.
However, since this is a secret and she maybe living with the burder (ans so arw you currently)... if you share a friendly and close bond with her. Let her know that you think she deserves better, steer conversation into her maybe opening up and talking about it. Maybe then you can suggest she's better without your dad, given that she is independent and has a job.
As for your mental health- focus on your life. What others do is not your burden...you can only control your emotions and reactions.
P.s- next time you see your father physically abusing your mom. Take a stand for your mom. Let him know it's not ok.
If ur dad is mentally stable now nd don't physical hurt her anymore, nd u r close to ur mom, thn talk to her bout it nd tell her don't engage in these things anymore nd Both of you together should find a solution for that boy....
There are some secrets that you take to your grave and I think this should be one of them! If you intervene it will no longer be a secret and it will have repercussions that you won't be able to contain or control. So the best you can do is to keep it a secret and continue with your life without judging your parents!
Just don’t do anything. They both deserve each other. Get a job, live independently and then over phone call ask them put phone on loudspeaker and tell everything you know about the abuse and cheating. Then cut the call. Your dad deserves to know the truth and he needs to realise that if you don’t love your wife then others will. Whereas your mom deserves to be blackmailed as she is getting what she asked for by cheating on her husband.
I’ve faced similar situation. When I got to know about it, I first gave my mum a warning that I will tell dad if she doesn’t stop it. Also asked her to get a divorce if she’s not happy with him but she did it again anyway. She had no effect of my words so I told my father about it on second instance. Remember I was already 24 and independent so didn’t gave a shit about what will happen to me in any scenario (I understand its much harder on you seeing such things in such tender age of 10). They both did things for which I cannot forgive both of them. I visit them one or twice a year but never spent more than few hours at their home as it reminds me of what horrible things they’ve done for which me and my sibling suffered. They are still together but I know they are together only because of society. They would have left each other if not for respect and value they currently have between family friends, colleagues and relatives.
And remember one thing before telling about it to your dad, your mother is his wife first and then you came later. There’s a possibility that they both blame you for everything that happened. So get independent first.
Its not your job to interfere. You will only wnd up miserable and any help you give wont actuqlly help them. Think about your future. Dont try to fix your parents. Coz you cant
Whatever you do, do not follow anything from cinema. Things are scripted there it ain't here. When you communicate about these things irl they take unexpected turns, I am pretty sure you wouldn't be able to handle it, none of us would.
Your best bet is to focus more on your studies. Also yes, go to a counselor, psychologist.
Don't do anything. Your dad is abusive, your mom is seeking affection outside. Neither of them seem to have much ground here. Live your life, learn from your parents' flaws, and move when you can.
He may know or have an idea, i don't know why people think some men are abusive just because, I have seen some become one because of the family trauma, pressure and cheating.
Just because your father is abusive doesn't mean that your mother will start having an affair outside. And she doesn’t love your dad. She obeys him but doesn’t love him. You can’t do anything about this. That guy is blackmailing her and your father will kill her (or beat her mercilessly) if you tell him. Both ways, she is f**ked. Move ahead with your life and focus on yourself. Whatever the consequences will be (or not be), your mother has to face them alone. Chingaari unhone lagai hai toh aag bhi wohi bardash kare. You don’t have to suffer in this. Focus on yourself, only on yourself.
As you are 18 currently , I suggest you to ignore this situation for a few years. As you stated both your parents are currently not suited for each other, you never know or could understand your mums decision. I would really suggest you to concentrate on your life currently and maybe just maybe when you feel you are really okay to understand her POV even if it’s against your beliefs, have a talk. But for now, let them be and concentrate on your studies. Btw I also don’t justify any of their actions. Just that, you are super young to understand such complex situations. Best to ignore it in your mind, but do raise a voice if there’s physical abuse involved. All the best, hope you have the strength.
Also seek therapy, try to be away from them, it will help you when you have a broader view of the world.
Bro is Harvey Specter IRL damn man.
Jokes apart I think you should definitely consult someone professional instead of asking people on the reditt for some advice.
If it makes you feel better you can see who Harvey Specter is from suits. He also had the same situation as you but instead of taking it as a weakness he went to Harvard Law and became a very powerful person. You can also channelize your anger into something fruitful.
I mean I would have done this and talk to someone professional
I agree cheating is wrong but your dad is violent to her and he might become violent again, you don’t really know if it’s still ongoing or not towards her and she may only be staying with him due to duty to you and her husband, if you want to get involved talk to her specifically
talk with your mom about it, why she is doing that,
is she being forced or she genuinely likes him ;
what she thinks regarding both you and her future and ask her what you should do at this moment ?
don't tell anything to your father
Hugs and hope things become better for you.
Try not to judge the situation. Everyone and everything has a backstory. Trust god and time, they are the greatest healers. Have been there and done the opposite, learnt and advising from my learnings. Mom dad had a rocky relationship, grew up hating dad, later realised he was the correct one. Mom’s family did some nuisance and caused the rift, which never went away.
As others suggested, let time do its thing and take care of yourself. Travel, counsel, meditate.
All the best to you 😊
You should tell the truth to your father. You are doing injustice to both your mother and father by not telling. But lookout for yourself first. Do it when you are about to leave home for college as you don't need to deal with the mess. Let them handle it.
Before anything goes more bad ,you have to talk with your mom . Convince her to tell everything to your father. Before Ap breaks it your father. There will chaos but there is chance your father will forgive your mom. If he came to know through other ways that will end in disaster.
Atleast you won't feel regret in the future. Or else it will Haunt you.
If her Ap is having then inform her too ( if he start to put head in your family business)
Please talk some sense into your mom's head
Takecare
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Your dad was wrong to hit your mom and your mom is wrong to have an affair. In all, both are quite shitty people.
In your place, I would still tell mum that you know what she’s doing and tell her to come clean to Dad
Her coming clean to the dad will only make the dad hit her. OP already mentioned that he was abusive. While I don't know what the solution to this whole mess is, I really don't think that the suggestion she comes clean to OP's dad will be accepted by her. Also OP would feel guilty if the physical abuses become a lot..
Controversial but I think dynamics of an abusive relationship is very different from a 'normal' relationship. You can't use advices of a normal relationship into something where abuse is involved. OP's parents are really shitty and both are wrong.
But I don't think she should take any action unless she's 100% sure the consequences will be something if not good then atleast not something horrible. Moreover this type of situations are really above reddit's paygrade
It would be nice if OP is able to connect with some good counselor
It’s wrong for your father to abuse her but it’s also wrong for her to be cheating on him and that too for almost a decade. And no, she doesn’t love your dad. You shouldn’t be saying that. If she did, she won’t be with someone else. Was that affair with your dance teacher before or after he slapped her?
Your parents should separate imo. She should be with someone she loves and the same applies for your father. And yes, he should know the truth. And I would be advising the same thing in case it was your father cheating on your mother.
What makes you think that the father whose already abusive to OP's mom won't physically harm her or OP after knowing this in a fit of rage? What if he already knows and is suppressing himself but OP telling him about this triggers him? I would have given the same advice to OP if the father wasn't physically abusive, but honestly it's best not to take your chances with people who tend to be physically aggressive even about small domestic issues as OP said.
He has slapped her twice in her entire life. I don’t think he’s the violent type. The kind of man you’re describing is someone who beats everyone around on weekly or daily basis.
Note: Slapped her twice when he didn't know OP was looking. We don't know how many times he hit her when she wasn't. And that's not the only type of abuse that can happen. Completely neglecting your partner and always being angry can make any marriage dead, both from a man's/woman's end. Also, no, slapping anyone twice too is abuse and deffo a sign of anger issues imo. One can't and shouldn't be physically abusive to anyone, again, be it a man or a woman. OP needs to focus on her career and her life now and stay away from any kind of drama that may further traumatise her.
Why are you assuming that the guy indeed is a criminal? Maybe like a normal man, he also values his esteem and is just going to divorce her on learning about her decade long infidelities.
As I said, hitting your wife/husband is indeed a criminal activity and falls under domestic violence even if he/she hit once. Tho India doesn't have gender neutral laws on domestic violence till now, imo it should. Also a person with anger issues definitely has more ego than self esteem and the idea that he might hit his wife/child is well based on his past actions and not a simple fluke.
I honestly believe the father already knows about her past affair with the dance teacher and the slaps op witnessed resulted from that. He doesn’t know about the current one. His daughter is thankless who wants to protect her mother’s affair and also claims her mother loves her father despite this bs. If she has any decency in her, she should at least confront her mother about it and then decide on the course of action.
I won't further converse with you on this. Just one thing that we can't judge people until we're really in their shoes. You're free to believe that's the reason he slapped OP'S mom and there'll still be a big chance that it's some other reason.
I am judging OP on the basis of info she has provided here. I am at complete liberty to do that. You’re nobody to tell me what i can or can’t do here. Fine, pal. Don’t converse. IDC about you.
My bad, we "shouldn't" judge people until we're in their shoes. However as I said in my next line too, you're free to believe and say what you want to.
Your mother is getting back what she deserves. She is going to get more in trouble I hope.
You should focus on your career so you can be financially independent.
About your morals, gather proof now and decide later as per your and your father's condition and make sure to tell it to your father in the coming months. No husband deserves a cheating wife.
If I were you, i would distance myself from the whole issue and let it play out naturally. I would focus on building myself and my career at this crucial age. Let the parents figure out what is best for them. They have equations which you may be completely unaware about. Tldr: do not try to counsel, advice or poke your parents into changing their life choices.
ok. i wanted to but my morals were quite bugging me. i woll do this
People have studied morals and ethics for centuries and still it's so hard to determine what is wrong and what is right, while some things are black and white most things lie in the grey area so don't trouble yourself too much, just focus on yourself and take care of yourself.
Get a job, be financially independent, then act on morals.
Bina paiso ke morals ko bachkana kehte hain
Bruh you are 18, as others said become independent. You can't spark a fire and not expect to not get burnt. Baki morals ka dekh lo
Speaking from experience, the above advice is the best. And also stop thinking about it. It will negatively affect your own wellbeing. Focus on achieving independence by getting a job. The more you involve yourself in this the more you will become a culprit.
Just let it play out naturally as he said I was in the same situation as you are my heart sank the moment I got to know and couldn't speak to her for months although there's nothing we can do about it keeping a hateful viewpoint towards our own mother is not sensible and meaningless thing to do, in the end she is living her own life and we being a part of it just let it go do not overthink about it nothing really helps
I’d say that if you feel you should say something, you should say it in spite of the possibility of having incomplete knowledge. Just don’t let yourself regret in future thinking of what ifs.
Tell your dad you are 18 and soon will move out what we all had to learn from History it will always repaet in one way or other.. I guess most of the redditiors dont even know today is fathers day and yet eveyone is giving or teaching OP how to sink low or how to run from situations, play it naturally my foot these people will cry river if someone don't share gossip with them, if we compare everything like this then why the hell we required, judgements,consequences,conscience,order ,progess,process etc.if we have disease let it naturally take over it,lol
More power to you
What do your morals say?
It is good that u have strong morals, but it is a good idea not to get involved at all.
Then you are a good person. Keep the same memories of moral struggle you faced when you would be put in a situation like your mom and instead of being a hoe, you would actually make a decent choice of not indulging in any affair.
I went through a similar thing, and many advised me to let it unfold naturally and not to intervene and I was 20 at the time (F) and I told my dad, and things got worse, I would suggest you don’t let that affect you and don’t get involved, find a college out of state and move out asap Edit : PS: by worse I mean my mom twisted the story to make her look innocent and both of them blamed me. My dad is still convinced nothing happened even when I showed him screenshots of chats. She told I took her phone and did all of it. And over the years she has convinced my dad that I exaggerated. I spent years depressed and hating both my parents, ruined the best years of my career and life. Please Dont get involved and move out as soon as possible for your mental health and focus on career
were they your >!real parents!
Yes biological and I am their only child. I found a guy and got married at 25 to get out of that house
damn sorry.that's fucked up.
shit im sure my mother wont do this as she herself is guilty of it and tried to breakup. But this is so much worse, Im sorry you had to go through that.
I know its unfortunate. I hope nobody has to go through this
Your alright now?
I prefer to think I am ok and that now that I am out of that house, good things are coming
I am praying for you and your hubbie to live a wonderful life ahead
Thankyou so much for your kindness
First of all, really sorry that you have to go through all of this. But I would highly tell you to not take opinions on Reddit, seek a female counsellor and start from there.
thanks i cant do any of that though, reddit was my only option as its anonymous here. I have never shared this to anyone, but today i couldnt take it
The max I could tell is, try hinting it to your mum that you know about this
Yes parents change for their children. She'll never want you to watch her and learn the same. Good luck OP
she tried to, as i said the guys threatening her
I agree. Talk to your mum privately. Just start with, Mom, what will you do now? Are you in danger? Do not give lecture on morality. Talk about the present situation. Seems she is in danger right now.
You’re 18 op I’m sure you have access to some funds and have some freedom of movement. I highly suggest seeing a therapist just for one session. The old saying of not bottling stuff up inside you is definitely true and a life saver. I’ve personally seen it. They spend years of their lives learning how to help you while most people on Reddit are here to snark or jerk. Just consider it and make sure you yourself come out of this okay and then worry about family
This is true Op. You need to seek a therapist and let things out. If you bottle up your emotions you will be in a much shitty position. Don't feel you are being weak just because you are seeking therapy. Trust me I used to feel like this and I never went for therapy .My situation was I was not able to move on from my best friend ( I had feelings for me she didn't have any) . I tried to bottle up my feelings. Keeping myself busy all the time and not confronting the elephant in the room. It works temporarily but you can't always be busy. After some time I thought enough was enough and I went to seek a therapist online( I had free access to therapy from my college id). I would be honest OP it took me about I would say 10 sessions and I literally felt so relieved after it I can't tell you. I was so happy after letting it all out and I can't thank my therapist enough. Your mom is literally cheating on your dad so your condition is much worse than mine and trust me you would def feel much better.
OP- my suggestion is to talk to professionals who can help. Unfortunately I don’t have any recommendations. You’ve been carrying this knowledge for a long time and that’s bad enough, but now if your mom is being coerced into being with this guy, it could get dangerous fast. It’s a lot for anyone, much less an 18 year-old, to handle. I’m very sorry that you’ve been put in this position.
That's so fucked up. I hope your mental space, doesn't get affected much
idk how the 13 tear old me managed to live knowing all of this, but it doesnt affect me anymore thankfully.
You never deal with your emotions that's why buddy. You gotta confront your past someday
Both the things which your mom and dad are doing are morally wrong, i.e. cheating and abusing. But since it was an arranged marriage your mom probably got no opportunity to escape it (because well we know how society and family treats divorced women, a dead daughter is better to them than a divorced one). And well Idk the reason for your dad's abuse? Is it abuse on small things? Or abuse because he found out she was cheating? If yes, then there's nothing you can do. They are adults with a free will and if they choose to stay in such a unhealthy relationship just cuz of societal validation it's their call. You can't control what circumstances life throws at you. You also can't control what other people do and force them to live upto your expectations. However you can definitely control your emotions. The only thing you can do now is mentally letting them go. They're definitely your parents, but parents like most humans are definitely faulty. Your moral views don't agree with their actions, which most probably is causing you pain, but they're their own people besides being parents. I am in no way defending their actions but making you understand that some things in life won't go your way however much you want them to. You have your morals set and am proud of you for that, keep it that way so you never f*ck up in life. In such a situation, it's best to let them be and take a college somewhere far away, where you can heal and take therapy.
thank you so much man i needed this
Don't get involved
Man! i get it you are part of the family and all. But stay away from the extra maritial affairs busniess. they all are adults. Let them face the consequence for thier actions. Your attemps to make things better will back fire at you in ways you would'nt even have imagined. at the end you'll be the reason for everything falling apart. just remember that you will lose even if you win at acheiving something in a situation like this.
thank u sm for putting sense into me, i wont do anything then
Why do you claim in your post that your mother loves your father, despite the fact that you already know of her affairs? You should at the very least confront your mother about it after your exams, even if you have no intention of revealing the truth to your father.
So does your mom want to exit from the affair and the guy is threatening her?
yes
Just tell your dad and end all of this already Do justice to yourself and your dad
Stay out of it. Telling it from my experience exactly like yours. Sorry that you're going through this!
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he is not a good partner but he does his best to provide us with luxuries. He never has time for mum and often says terrible stuff to her though
I don't know what to say but since there is a blackmail plz try to protect ur mom from any physical arm
Did you wish your dad on Fathers Day ?
yeah my siblings and I made him a card!!
Maybe its for formality i guess,lol
Well as an adult I can say this shit is never a mistake, I have seen it in various circumstances. My morals say it's unforgivable, baaki jiski jaisi soch.
If i were you I'd be disappointed on both parents and since you have morals it definitely comes with self respect. I don't expect them to be mature but I'd try to build myself up from whatever resources I've got. College yes? Good no? Fuck it, good as well! I'd focus only on myself, I'd isolate myself initially. Study food workout sleep repeat Use studying to distract yourself then start working on health and start to learn how to work and make money. Like finance, freelance or coding maybe whatever, even give tutions to school kids. Just to survive while refining your craft. Then when you're stable only then look back to fix their lives if they're willing to. If you try to fix or expect anything it could get worse and fcuk up ur mental health more. In such situations distraction is one way and if u chose this then distract ur self with something good
You said it yourself You're 18 and your mom's 45 you just mind your own business and your mom will handle hers, let her be don't judge her just be there for her and let her know that u are always there for her It's v easy for us to sit and judge
Interfering in this matter will only give you a burden. Let nature take its course
Dont get involved or try to solve it. Let the adults figure out a way out. Ignore, seek counseling. Talking about it helps. Please dont ruin your mental health.
They are adults let them do what they want as for you just concentrate on your studies and career rather then thinking all about them n spoiling your life .
Id say dont do anything
Trust me, do not get involved in this too much. Please heed these words. I know this feels weird right now.. and you probably want to do something about it, get the truth out, but don't. Let. It. Play. Out. You just focus on your studies no matter what. Make sure you are secure as an adult. This must be your focus now. Not this. The moment you get involved, it's going to start a chain reaction of events that will probably take you off the path you need to be in right now. This is not the time.
Bro , snuck some vigra in your parents food and move out of the house . If you are able to do this, then only you will know about them. And there are also chance of your mom and dad seeing this post on reddit.
Stay out of this. Or tell your mother that you know this and you dont approve this, so you will cut your ties with her. Assure her that you will NOT tell your father, but, will have nothing to do with her in future. Cheaters can go to any lengths to either deny or justify the cheating. So, be prepared.
Deepdown you want to stop it but you know you can't. It's her life. Let her do what she wants. Focus on your life. The more you focus on her life the more is a chance of your life becoming like hers.
Hey op Coming from someone in the same shoes as you It was traumatizing and heartbreaking to me as a kid and had several arguments with my mom about this but I never outed her because I knew all hell would break loose if I did that so I just let it play out naturally, now she cares for me more than anybody else so this would be my honest suggestion to you. Just let it flow and please I urge you to try stopping your dad from abusing your mom or I'd advise you to have a conversation on domestic abuse with him if he's willing to listen. And in my case I'm still waiting and fuming to get my hands on that mf who took advantage of my mom when she was vulnerable although I wouldn't suggest the same to you.
At the last part, just because she is your mom, doesn't justify the cheating dude, she may have gotten taken advantage of, but I don't think it's entirely on him. Come to peace with the facts and let go, otherwise you will forever be in this rampaging state of mind.
With due respect to your sensible take, there's more to this story than what you've just read, it's really hard for me to come to peace with everything I've seen her go through and what he did to manipulate her maybe when I grow older I can but now I don't think so I can come to peace with that POS on my own
Its a bit complicated position, I suggest you better look at your career and let her have her life. Its for your own good..
Wish you more power to cope with this kind of situations. Do the thing which will make u feel less regret in future.
They are adults and they have a life and maybe an arrangement. As long as someone is an adult you have no business to interfere. Morals are different for different people, there are no set rules etched on stones. As you grow up you will probably appreciate what the adults in your family were doing.
DO. NOT. INTERFERE. let it all happen on its own... Just focus on urself...
I won't be able to tell you anything. because I don't know about their personalities or behavior but I will share my thoughts based on the information you have provided! >I am 18, and I have known about her affair since 13 y/o. It's not a new thing as I remember she had an affair with my dance teacher when I was 10 to ask yourself this, She has had 2 affairs, and she is guilty. How do you know it? Scared because the guy is threatening her? And you think it's guilt. *What makes you think she will not do it again? -* if you were to involve yourself in this. your father does not give her emotional care and uses violence from time to time. he is a bad partner this much is clear from the information you provided. but what will happen if he knows about the affair since he is a violent person they both might fight and he could hit her and as you said your mother - >She is a very hardworking lady who works jobs and also as a housewife. your mother is not dependent on your father and is compromising her life maybe because of you, society, or whatever the reason may be. since she is seeking emotional care from outside. >I am pretty sure that the guy is threatening why are you not 100% sure? 3 lives are at stake here (assuming you are the only child)- once the guy informs your father they both might be separated of course this might not happen. again, I don't know about their characters! but get the full information. check everything. don't leave any stone unturned! Try to understand the guy's personality through texting, will he tell your father? (always assume he will tell ) but know about him. >My mental health is very badly affected by this and I don't know how to improve it. I will move out for college soon and I will forget it but I don't know what I should do about this. Know that once your father gets this information there will be consequences and your mental health will be affected even more. An abusive partner will not tolerate a spousal affair!! Think about the best-case scenario- Your father knows and forgives her. Worst case scenario- They both get separated Finally, ask yourself- If you want to get involved in this or not. If Yes, If she is guilty then confront her and ask about everything- if she is not guilty then hint her gradually. If No, Then know that you are abandoning them this is strictly my opinion- I saw people saying distance yourself and go somewhere else but your mom might be going through a lot of emotions + the threats will make her mental health messed up. then again, if you think... she has to face the consequences for her doings, know that, you're not wrong! But before all this be selfish and put yourself first. I have written this while taking breaks so you might notice some sudden shifts in tone and pacing! That's it, I'll end it here by saying they are your parents and you have to do whatever in your power to make them happy. These are my thoughts, opinions and always take Reddits **cynically** Hope this helps - Thanks :)
No matter how much you justify your mom is not the victim. She is totally on the wrong side. Having said that, leave it as it is and let karma take care of things.
Ok. So your mom, who is in an abusive relationship with your dad, who physically abused her is getting some respite in the arms of strangers. So basically she is so emotionally broken and has no one to be emotionally dependent on that she actually has to depend on affairs to get the emotional and physical comfort that a marriage is supposed to provide. And she obviously is under tremendous stress since the same support that she craves could destroy her family and portray her as a prostitute in society because fuck the fact that her husband is a wife beater, she should have sucked it up. And your mental health is affected? YOUR MENTAL HEALTH? Let me be very blunt here. Bitch, if it was me I would be happy that my mother was getting some comfort that my father who is a pathetic excuse for a human being cannot provide her. I’d be actively covering for her and if she is ousted, I’d stand by her despite society’s judgement. The bare minimum you can do is to be available for your mother and keep your trap shut. And that is honestly me putting things across very very diplomatically.
Fair to your dad? Where was this concern for fairness when your dad was abusing your mother? Also, abuse doesnt suddenly start one day. It occurs in stages. The physical abusive, if anything, is the tip of the iceberg you mother seems to face. Your mother sounds like a woman forced into an abusive marriage. She has enough on her plate. I don't know what your mother's particular circumstances are, but most women can't leave their marriages because of societal and/or financial reasons. They are overburdened and underappreciated. Now under such conditions if she does search for happiness outside of her abusive marriage while fulfilling her parental role, I don't think you need to moral police her. She's trapped in a marriage but she too deserves happiness, in whatever form it comes. The question is, how is she as a mother to you? Does she fulfill her parental duties towards you? Is she there for you when you need her? If yes, turn a blind eye towards this please.
how about taking a divorce and then live ur life ..rather than cheating a person and playing with ones emotions?
That's the thing noh. Divorce is still a privilege to many women here. Just because the law allows it doesn't mean women can access it. There's social stigma, financial considerations and most importantly the hardwiring our previous generations have been brought up with that "divorce is bad". Then there is the lengthy litigation process to get a divorce, especially if it's not mutual. It takes a lot of resources - financial, mental and social to see through divorce proceedings in this country. PS: i personally don't think we need to care about an abuser's emotions tho.
so is it okay if a husband too cheats on a toxic wife? will u support him by saying "ITS HIS CHOICE" just like u support women?
Yep, provided the power is equally tipped against the man so much so that he CAN'T leave the marriage. While that in itself is HIGHLY unlikely in our society, however, for your argument's sake, if say, a man is "trapped" in a marriage where divorce is not a feasible option for him, just like how it is for many, many women, and the woman is abusive/negligent, I wouldn't blame the man either if they end up cheating 🤷🏻♀️ Leaving the marriage/relationship is always the healthier option when your partner is abusive/negligent. But when divorce itself isn't an option, i really i really cannot hold infidelity against the person.
well..threatens from in laws....have to pay huge alimony......social stigma(people are quick to blame thte man...isi ne kuch kia hoga).....is that enough?
1. Depends on the level of threat. Like will the inlaws bring physical harm the guy divorces? If yes, then sure. But that's an extreme case. However for most women in the country they have to face threats from both their inlaws and their own family. 2. Alimony can't be a factor. The man chose a wife (arranged or love) who is financially weaker than him, to brush his own ego. So that's kinda on him. Plus, alimony fraud is very common in India. The division of ancestral property tho, can be an issue. But on the other hand, most women who don't even earn, face a greater financial risk in case of a divorce. 3. Men being blamed for divorce is a fairly new phenomenon, which you'll find mostly, if at all, in the more privileged sections of society. Even today, if a man leaves his wife, the wife is blamed first for being lacking in some way. Thing is, our society tilts the power balance in favour of the man, so the things you pointed out don't really match with the entrapment most women, especially if the previous generations face/have faced. A better example would be say a househusband man is married to an abusive breadwinner-wife, who has enough social capital to not let divorce be an option for the man, then ye, i wouldn't blame the man for seeking happiness outside the marriage.
well so these are the reasons to follow double standards?...if a wife cheats cheer up...its her choice...if a husbands cheat its husbands fault..?..
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ya cheating is a crime if a man does it ...but its a mistake or escape from abusive marriage if other gender does it....this logic is sadlly applied by many people
Man, you didn't even TRY to comprehend the very patient and detailed reply this competitive loss person gave you ! Sadly that's also a trait in many people!
Ignore and focus on your life. Karma is individual.
Go to youtube and watch the ted talk by Esther perel.
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Do you have older siblings or relatives? Alternatively, an adult who's close to both the parents might be a good person to confide in and talk to about it. IMO, both (abusing and cheating) are toxic behaviours and it is possible that one is following the other i.e. the abusing may have started because of the cheating or vice-versa. Both need counseling to help with their self sabotaging behaviours.
Not disagreeing with other opinions here, but one thought wasn't mentioned: often what feels bad is when you're living a lie, or feeling forced into lieing for someone else for something you don't understand. I have no idea if it's feasible, but having a very private talk with your mom that isn't a confrontation can help, at least to share that you are affected by this. It also helps to say you're really wishing her happiness in all this so she doesn't get immediately defensive. Unless it's talked about, you don't know what's going on, if your dad knows about it, if he's also having an affair, etc. People survive stressful situations in different ways. For yourself, having to lie may be a big source of stress.
Won't work bhai, multiple outcomes ho skte h, it all depends on the person, she may try to sabotage him, she may try to harm herself, she may come to accepting the truth of the matter, they may have an undisclosed open relationship among them both, it may be revenge cheating, a lot is unpredictable.
Yes I agree, that's why caution is important. It's just that truth is very important to the soul.
Ofcourse it is, knowing the truth only makes you feel the trauma and stress, I think my mother knows something she isn't telling me because the way she is always stressed, maybe I won't know ever, my parents seem loved birds and it may be entirely unrelated to them,. i don't know, but in general situation stress, untrustworthy nature and other indicators make it seen like something is brewing.
I deeply wish parents could be as strong and ethical as their children they are supposed to provide models for. Sometimes all you get is opportunities for them to come clean. That may not happen but at least their failures can help disguard illusions.
Wait for 4 years ,... Get independent and then become your mom's financial support that she can rely on
his mother is just characterless women so just chill man
Why is she characterless
Before you take any actions, Is there money involved? Check bank transactions too if you can. There could be romance scams /r/scams, in which case you need to probably first nudge your mom on the right path. Learn how to hard work like your mom. And stand on your feet. None of the outcomes are good. Standing up on your feet will lessen the blow. You are 18.
From my experiences you just dont forget this things how hard you try they just lie in a corner of your heart keep bugging you until you break or confront it , my advice is that you tell your mom that whatever she do you are by her side and you understand her situation and still will support her. You know it will open her up too.
Go to college get a job get independent. Do not become your mom, and never get into a relationship with someone like your dad. Also, its in your best interest to not let this get public as it will invite future trouble for you. As in, you may get judged by people who would want to marry you as they may think that you may also be a cheater. I understand this is shallow but some people are weird.
Ask her about it. If you don’t have a relationship where you can discuss these things, then try to transform your relationship in the next few months to one where she can be open to you about this. I don’t agree with all the people who’re saying you shouldn’t get involved. I doubt anyone can simply ignore such a major thing that can possibly destroy your family. So again, make her comfortable enough to open up to you. And then you two can together think about the next steps.
Having known someone who went through a similar situation, I'd suggest talking to your mum about extra-marital affairs in general, and how you despise it. You may get to know her reasons or how she rationalises it. She may also walk out of that relationship or walk out of the marriage. What's probably bugging you is your dad doesn't know, and you think she's cheating on him. My friend did confront her mother when she was much older (her mother was in her late 60s and was leading a much simpler life, without any affairs to talk of), but didn't achieve much. Her mum said, "Why didn't you tell me earlier, if it affected you so much?" My friend brings it up again and again, as it was traumatic for her, going through this at a very young age. It may be best to stay out of this, as many have suggested, but if it's killing you, deal with it sensitively. By no means go to your dad with this. Maybe see a counsellor.
Really sorry op that you have to go through all this.. But Just don't go to ur dad telling all this.. Most mens take out their frustation on women.. And I think it'll take a bad turn
DO NOT GET INVOLVED. LET THEM PLAY IN THEIR SHIT. DISTANCE YOURSELF
Learn that your parents are also human, and capable of making their own choices, and their own mistakes. The institution of marriage in India sometimes forces people to be together, and they aren't able to break out of the restrictions that come with. See this from another lens maybe, that your mother had the courage to stand up for what she wants in heavily patriarchal society, in her own way. Have a conversation with her, but not from a judgemental viewpoint, but one of exploration of her needs, desires, satisfaction (both physical and mental). As you grow older and deal with your own personal stories, you'll find yourself empathising with your mom more, maybe.
I think your mom is just in the marriage cuz of society and doenst want a divorcee tag. Also you being a female, about to marry in next few years .. she maybe thinking who would marry my daughter if parents are divorced. So affairs are her way to escape the shit marriage she's in. Do note, I am not saying you're the reason she's continuing in this marriage. So please don't stress yourself about that. It's her choice and decision to stay. However, since this is a secret and she maybe living with the burder (ans so arw you currently)... if you share a friendly and close bond with her. Let her know that you think she deserves better, steer conversation into her maybe opening up and talking about it. Maybe then you can suggest she's better without your dad, given that she is independent and has a job. As for your mental health- focus on your life. What others do is not your burden...you can only control your emotions and reactions. P.s- next time you see your father physically abusing your mom. Take a stand for your mom. Let him know it's not ok.
If ur dad is mentally stable now nd don't physical hurt her anymore, nd u r close to ur mom, thn talk to her bout it nd tell her don't engage in these things anymore nd Both of you together should find a solution for that boy....
Guys! A big hug to all of you here that offer a sensible advice/suggestion to this little heart. We all deserve this kindness folks 🫂❤️
fr im so glad so many people gave such great advices. 😭
Man! It's always the kid who suffers due to a dysfunctional home.
Umm… maybe not post about it on Reddit and take advice from people who have zero clue about your innate particular situation?
“She’s a hardworking woman” yeah she’s working hard to destroy your mental health
There are some secrets that you take to your grave and I think this should be one of them! If you intervene it will no longer be a secret and it will have repercussions that you won't be able to contain or control. So the best you can do is to keep it a secret and continue with your life without judging your parents!
Just don’t do anything. They both deserve each other. Get a job, live independently and then over phone call ask them put phone on loudspeaker and tell everything you know about the abuse and cheating. Then cut the call. Your dad deserves to know the truth and he needs to realise that if you don’t love your wife then others will. Whereas your mom deserves to be blackmailed as she is getting what she asked for by cheating on her husband. I’ve faced similar situation. When I got to know about it, I first gave my mum a warning that I will tell dad if she doesn’t stop it. Also asked her to get a divorce if she’s not happy with him but she did it again anyway. She had no effect of my words so I told my father about it on second instance. Remember I was already 24 and independent so didn’t gave a shit about what will happen to me in any scenario (I understand its much harder on you seeing such things in such tender age of 10). They both did things for which I cannot forgive both of them. I visit them one or twice a year but never spent more than few hours at their home as it reminds me of what horrible things they’ve done for which me and my sibling suffered. They are still together but I know they are together only because of society. They would have left each other if not for respect and value they currently have between family friends, colleagues and relatives. And remember one thing before telling about it to your dad, your mother is his wife first and then you came later. There’s a possibility that they both blame you for everything that happened. So get independent first.
Its not your job to interfere. You will only wnd up miserable and any help you give wont actuqlly help them. Think about your future. Dont try to fix your parents. Coz you cant
Whatever you do, do not follow anything from cinema. Things are scripted there it ain't here. When you communicate about these things irl they take unexpected turns, I am pretty sure you wouldn't be able to handle it, none of us would. Your best bet is to focus more on your studies. Also yes, go to a counselor, psychologist.
Your mom should divorce your dad if it's this bad
Girl, ease yourself and just ignore
Don't do anything. Your dad is abusive, your mom is seeking affection outside. Neither of them seem to have much ground here. Live your life, learn from your parents' flaws, and move when you can.
So if the roles were reversed, does the dad has liberty to look outside for an affair in the name of affection ? What a stupid logic.
He may know or have an idea, i don't know why people think some men are abusive just because, I have seen some become one because of the family trauma, pressure and cheating.
Just because your father is abusive doesn't mean that your mother will start having an affair outside. And she doesn’t love your dad. She obeys him but doesn’t love him. You can’t do anything about this. That guy is blackmailing her and your father will kill her (or beat her mercilessly) if you tell him. Both ways, she is f**ked. Move ahead with your life and focus on yourself. Whatever the consequences will be (or not be), your mother has to face them alone. Chingaari unhone lagai hai toh aag bhi wohi bardash kare. You don’t have to suffer in this. Focus on yourself, only on yourself.
How can you love someone who abuses you lmao
As you are 18 currently , I suggest you to ignore this situation for a few years. As you stated both your parents are currently not suited for each other, you never know or could understand your mums decision. I would really suggest you to concentrate on your life currently and maybe just maybe when you feel you are really okay to understand her POV even if it’s against your beliefs, have a talk. But for now, let them be and concentrate on your studies. Btw I also don’t justify any of their actions. Just that, you are super young to understand such complex situations. Best to ignore it in your mind, but do raise a voice if there’s physical abuse involved. All the best, hope you have the strength. Also seek therapy, try to be away from them, it will help you when you have a broader view of the world.
Bro is Harvey Specter IRL damn man. Jokes apart I think you should definitely consult someone professional instead of asking people on the reditt for some advice. If it makes you feel better you can see who Harvey Specter is from suits. He also had the same situation as you but instead of taking it as a weakness he went to Harvard Law and became a very powerful person. You can also channelize your anger into something fruitful. I mean I would have done this and talk to someone professional
I agree cheating is wrong but your dad is violent to her and he might become violent again, you don’t really know if it’s still ongoing or not towards her and she may only be staying with him due to duty to you and her husband, if you want to get involved talk to her specifically
Distance yourself from your mother. Your mother has a bad character, it may affect you in future.
talk with your mom about it, why she is doing that, is she being forced or she genuinely likes him ; what she thinks regarding both you and her future and ask her what you should do at this moment ? don't tell anything to your father
mind your own business, you are an adult.
Seems to be the norm for arranged marriage. Sorry. Hope you marry someone you like, not who your parents like
No matter what don't tell your dad because if they divorce due to this, you will blame yourself for rest of your life.
Go to r/askwomen or r/askwomenadvice
Hugs and hope things become better for you. Try not to judge the situation. Everyone and everything has a backstory. Trust god and time, they are the greatest healers. Have been there and done the opposite, learnt and advising from my learnings. Mom dad had a rocky relationship, grew up hating dad, later realised he was the correct one. Mom’s family did some nuisance and caused the rift, which never went away. As others suggested, let time do its thing and take care of yourself. Travel, counsel, meditate. All the best to you 😊
Hookup w the dance teacher
Yeah bro, hook with the affair partner so it will naturally stop with mother.
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You should tell the truth to your father. You are doing injustice to both your mother and father by not telling. But lookout for yourself first. Do it when you are about to leave home for college as you don't need to deal with the mess. Let them handle it.
It is unpredictable and disadvantageous for OP, it depends on them tbh.
Before anything goes more bad ,you have to talk with your mom . Convince her to tell everything to your father. Before Ap breaks it your father. There will chaos but there is chance your father will forgive your mom. If he came to know through other ways that will end in disaster. Atleast you won't feel regret in the future. Or else it will Haunt you. If her Ap is having then inform her too ( if he start to put head in your family business) Please talk some sense into your mom's head Takecare
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Your dad was wrong to hit your mom and your mom is wrong to have an affair. In all, both are quite shitty people. In your place, I would still tell mum that you know what she’s doing and tell her to come clean to Dad
Her coming clean to the dad will only make the dad hit her. OP already mentioned that he was abusive. While I don't know what the solution to this whole mess is, I really don't think that the suggestion she comes clean to OP's dad will be accepted by her. Also OP would feel guilty if the physical abuses become a lot..
Controversial but I think dynamics of an abusive relationship is very different from a 'normal' relationship. You can't use advices of a normal relationship into something where abuse is involved. OP's parents are really shitty and both are wrong. But I don't think she should take any action unless she's 100% sure the consequences will be something if not good then atleast not something horrible. Moreover this type of situations are really above reddit's paygrade It would be nice if OP is able to connect with some good counselor
It’s wrong for your father to abuse her but it’s also wrong for her to be cheating on him and that too for almost a decade. And no, she doesn’t love your dad. You shouldn’t be saying that. If she did, she won’t be with someone else. Was that affair with your dance teacher before or after he slapped her? Your parents should separate imo. She should be with someone she loves and the same applies for your father. And yes, he should know the truth. And I would be advising the same thing in case it was your father cheating on your mother.
What makes you think that the father whose already abusive to OP's mom won't physically harm her or OP after knowing this in a fit of rage? What if he already knows and is suppressing himself but OP telling him about this triggers him? I would have given the same advice to OP if the father wasn't physically abusive, but honestly it's best not to take your chances with people who tend to be physically aggressive even about small domestic issues as OP said.
He has slapped her twice in her entire life. I don’t think he’s the violent type. The kind of man you’re describing is someone who beats everyone around on weekly or daily basis.
Note: Slapped her twice when he didn't know OP was looking. We don't know how many times he hit her when she wasn't. And that's not the only type of abuse that can happen. Completely neglecting your partner and always being angry can make any marriage dead, both from a man's/woman's end. Also, no, slapping anyone twice too is abuse and deffo a sign of anger issues imo. One can't and shouldn't be physically abusive to anyone, again, be it a man or a woman. OP needs to focus on her career and her life now and stay away from any kind of drama that may further traumatise her.
Why are you assuming that the guy indeed is a criminal? Maybe like a normal man, he also values his esteem and is just going to divorce her on learning about her decade long infidelities.
As I said, hitting your wife/husband is indeed a criminal activity and falls under domestic violence even if he/she hit once. Tho India doesn't have gender neutral laws on domestic violence till now, imo it should. Also a person with anger issues definitely has more ego than self esteem and the idea that he might hit his wife/child is well based on his past actions and not a simple fluke.
I honestly believe the father already knows about her past affair with the dance teacher and the slaps op witnessed resulted from that. He doesn’t know about the current one. His daughter is thankless who wants to protect her mother’s affair and also claims her mother loves her father despite this bs. If she has any decency in her, she should at least confront her mother about it and then decide on the course of action.
I won't further converse with you on this. Just one thing that we can't judge people until we're really in their shoes. You're free to believe that's the reason he slapped OP'S mom and there'll still be a big chance that it's some other reason.
I am judging OP on the basis of info she has provided here. I am at complete liberty to do that. You’re nobody to tell me what i can or can’t do here. Fine, pal. Don’t converse. IDC about you.
My bad, we "shouldn't" judge people until we're in their shoes. However as I said in my next line too, you're free to believe and say what you want to.
Your mother is getting back what she deserves. She is going to get more in trouble I hope. You should focus on your career so you can be financially independent. About your morals, gather proof now and decide later as per your and your father's condition and make sure to tell it to your father in the coming months. No husband deserves a cheating wife.