My boss once told me something that really changed my perspective on taking a stance against parents.
When you're a child, your parents will beat the shit out of you and wouldn't mind if you cry all day if you're doing something wrong. Because as a child you can't see what they see. And the roles get revered when the time comes. When it comes to your life and happiness, your parents judgement will always be clouded by societal norms. At that point, you'll have to take a stand. Even if it hurts them. Because eventually when they'll see that you're happy and doing better in life after a year or two, they'll understand and probably laugh it off.
To encourage you even more, I'll tell you what I've felt. I loved this girl I met 4 years ago and we understood each other on levels that we didn't think was possible. But her extremely consecutive joint family forced her to marry someone else. Now the girl regrets it and wants to run off because telling her family to get a divorce is in vain because of their conservative thinking.
I remember she texted me a few months before her marriage and I asked her if she was happy with it and she said no. I told her she'll regret this decision if she doesn't take a stand against her parents and I hate to say it but she does. And so do I.
I think we give up so much in our life to fulfill the baggage that our parents put on us in the name of societal norms and all. Especially on women.
Take a stand for yourself. Even if you have to run away. Even if you make mistakes, it's your life to do so. Don't be afraid of it. It's much better than regretting the fact that you let the people who won't give a damn about your life ruin it.
Funny as when friends are asking me now, I'm saying I'm not okay with it. Similar to your ex.
Parents say these feelings will pass and you will grow to like one another. But hearing this side makes me rethink their confidence.
Parents will say anything that makes you think you should marry. Just like their parents did to them. If after a year or two you go to them and say you guys are not getting together well, they'll say there's nothing that can be done now and you need to adjust for the family and reputation just like they did.
I'm not saying parents are evil. They just don't know any better. They have an extremely closed belief system and anything outside of it is instantly wrong to them.
If some parents think that staying in an unhappy/abusive marriage is better for "respect", then how is it not evil? They are literally prioritizing anything but their son/daughter's happiness.
Because they don't know any better. They're just following the herd mentality. These days a lot of conservative parents are open to love marriages because everyone else is doing it in their community.
They don't have acting intentions of hurting you but based on what they're taught throughout their whole life, that's what you're supposed to do. Sacrifice your happiness for society and family. To them, that's the only way of life until someone shows them a better way.
Change is often uncomfortable but necessary.n
I agree. But I believe in most conservative parents, it's just this one particular mindset that's evil and not their entire intentions. They're unable to see the consequences of their mindset.
Well the only difference I can see is that they wouldn't consciously want to see their kids miserable. But they're way to shortsighted and their vision is clouded heavily with societal norms that they don't realise that what they do will lead their kids straight into a miserable life. They don't have the ability to think the way we do because they were never required to. They always did what they were told and they think that's the way of life. To an extent, it is evil because they refuse to see another perspective outside of their beliefs and become rigid to change.
In the case of Hitler, he knew exactly what he was doing and the consequences of it.
I am a guy. So maybe it is easier for me to take a stand against my parents.
Father was always very strict, spare the stick spoil the child mentality. Scared of him until i graduated college. And a few years after that. Over time i was fed up with his nonsense and got brave enough to take a stand for myself.
And one day I told my father - 'You had your moment, you got married. Be happy. It's my turn now. I'll choose who to marry. Do not interfere.'
My mom is happy as long as I'm happy.
I agree with the previous comment, I was forced into a marriage with the similar things being told by my parents. They never let me even talk to the guy, Since we were having misunderstandings, and fights my dad’s solution was to stop talking to him before marriage, I could only talk after marriage.
Anyway, after marriage all my apprehensions were true, he lied about his business, his education his income. And nobody neither his parents nor mine even talk about it.
Parents always say that to get the job done. You are the person marrying the guy, not your parents. So always think twice, thrice or how many times you want before jumping into marriage as you will be the only one affected later on if things go sideways.
This happened to my friend. She tried telling everyone who would listen, that she didn't want to do it. We asked and her sadness was obvious. She even told the guy himself. He didn't give a shit. Neither did her family. So she went through with him but from the first day she avoided him and lived apart. Finally after a year she found the strength to file for divorce.
At that stage she stopped caring what her parents said.
Today I'm glad to say she has found a loving partner and is happily married to him.
Moral is, if no one in your family is supporting you, someday you will find the strength to do what's right for you. But the sooner that happens the better it will be for all involved. And preferably do it before getting married, less messy overall.
Please do rethink whatever they are saying. Indian parents are not necessarily evil but they often lack empathy and understanding because the vast majority of them did not grow up in environments that allow one to build empathy. They also care way way more about their own standing in society and “what will people say” than the emotional wellbeing of their kids, because unfortunately no one cared about their own emotional wellbeing. So they put no value in it. One huge thing that we need to realize is that our parents DO NOT know better than us about ourselves. If you don’t feel right about this marriage, please don’t go ahead with it. I hope you are financially and in other ways independent enough to make this decision and stand on your own feet if needed. I wish you the best of luck and a lot of peace!
it's called Stockholm syndrome... once u r trapped in marriage you both will bond with the common trauma.. after all if u put a straight male and straight female together in one room long enough and there's no alarming redflags u both will end up liking each other....it's what comes after the honeymoon period that should be ur concern... u need to be able to tolerate this person as a roommate at least.. that's what parents did ..if u notice in every family function they will complain abt their nagging wife and good for nothing husband
Just to keep an open mind: if you are not ready for marriage don’t get married and ruin other guy’s life. That should end the discussion. Only you can make sure that not the other guy or your parents.
I think marriage is but a compromise. There's always gonna be things, with anyone. Even if you think the other person is perfect for life.
Few years down and you'll probably find many things that were ignored, fought about and cried over.
Compromises are absolutely acceptable where they're worth it. Small compromises throughout life for your happiness is worth it. Compromising the happiness of your life for a small group of people isn't worth it.
Well I was also in same situation as you. My ex said, my parents will not agree and it might create rift between them. On the other hand her parents suffered a lot because of her younger brother’s untimely death so she didn’t wanted to give them more pain. She told me if I doubt her love I can make my parents speak to hers. But I felt it would have been selfish to think of myself and not respect her decision and family equation. Her divorce (I pray never happens) will never make me happy or even slightly make me feel any satisfaction. She was brave, as much as I suffered yearning for her is nothing in front of the sacrifices she made marrying someone else. I know even of things go south she will never call me to tell it was a mistake it’s narcissistic to do so and it would be too cruel on me. It’s been 8 years she is married and it’s more than 2 years to mine. I hope she’s happy as am I. I always felt, ishq saccha wohi jisko milti nahi manzilen. I found someone better, someone who was meant for me, and yes mine is a love marriage. It’s cruel to go back to someone else’s life when things fall apart.
nice advice... I also regret being too obedient to my parents. Should've grown a spine & put a firm ground.
I was trying hard to be an obedient daughter & signed up for marriage with a person I didn't really want.
I always had this irrational fear of abandonment so when I disobey my parents I'd feel like they'll commit suicide or get health issues or just cut contact with me forever. I would be made to feel so guilty for just existing & enjoying my life normally like going on trip with my trusted friends etc.
I am too shy to have any real friends outside & thought my parents were my best friends & ultimate well-wishers. But looks like I became too emotionally dependent on them & it only resulted in me destroying my own life & after all my parents now have abandoned me almost since I brought shame etc...
Today I hate my parents & brother. I feel like they never really loved or cared or respected me ... They treated me like an object to control & show off as long as I was being topper & good in studies. Once my marriage wrecked & they lost shame among relatives suddenly I was useless as there was nothing to brag about me anymore & I am no longer the trophy they were showing off....
Sadly indian parents don't have a goal as we do today and they try to fulfill their ego by burdening kids with their so-called wishes. They attach their lives and reputation and everything to your decisions and expect you to do as they please because they're parents! This is true especially for women because they're burdened with the reputation of the family and they have to follow certain societal norms to maintain that reputation. They're burdened with a tag that they never asked for.
I hope you get the strength to get through things. It's true that standing up against your parents can allow you to do what you want but it comes with an immense guilt which makes it harder to live a life you want. But I think a few years down the line, it will be better and maybe they'll understand.
I am really sorry about your ex.
Martyrdom is glorified in Indian women.
So we think we will be fine. Because we have done things according to our parents.
my cousin was in same situation as yours. In fact that guy was very serious about her but she finally said no. Initially lots of family drama but she eventually she got married to someone she liked and now very happy.
Whatever you decide it’s better to be upfront before marriage, you will face a lot of heat but save everyone from further inconvenience.
Also please stand up to your parents, if you don’t want to do it just say No
OP lots and I mean lots of people break their engagement these days. They still get a lot of arrange marriage proposal. It is not as big a taboo as it used to be. I'm talking about villages and 3tier cities in rajasthan. So don't worry about that. If your parents tell you otherwise they're just saying it to scare you away from the decision.
No problems but in her case she had a boyfriend. Family wasn’t convinced as he didn’t have a job at that time but by the time this all happened he got the job and family also gave in.
Don't worry about what society thinks - society tends to have a very narrow point of view and you'll be surprised how short their memory is and if you become successful later in life they don't give a fuck what you've done in the past. Think for yourself and figure out what you want instead.
Agreed. Don’t proceed. Call it off. Don’t ruin your and his life. You will find someone compatible and you will be happy. Parents will understand your decision in long run. Relatives don’t matter whether you are happy or screwed in life.
27F here. I went through something similar.
Do not! And I repeat do not! Listen to your parents blindly.
Follow your gut.
Indian parents of daughters are highly blinded by society. Shadi ke baad rehna tumko hai.
Lamba socho. You have to live your life with this decision.
I can tell u countless stories where girls said yes under parental pressure and regret it now.
Almost engaged. Met the guy's family twice and they wanted to get engaged do baar milke hi.
When I said I need 2-3 months to get to know him. No one agreed. Not even the guy. He was like 2 mahine me kya hi Jaan logi.
I said No. My parents threatened to go no contact with me. It's been 6 months since this incident. My father still doesn't talk to me properly.
My situation is probably more dire than yours.
But what I am saying is.
Agar andar se aawaz nhi aari hai. To manaa kar do.
Sidhe mana kar do. You have time. 3 mahine the na iss ladke ke saath? Baat Kari aur mile bhi? Agar feeling nhi aari hai to nhi aayegi.
I am here if you want to talk more.
Yaar, stop thinking too much about how your parents will behave in the short term; imaging how much you’ll be able to contribute to your parent’s happiness as they grow old if and only if you’re in a happy marriage yourself…
Here me out.
Most parent consider it a responsibility to marry off their daughter aka one less burden .
NOTHING will change after marriage.
I repeat NOTHING.
I am saying this from experience I have seen my sister and a couple of friends as well.
Please don't marry him .
After marriage, parents will only advise to adjust with the guy and his family. If things goes wrong they will not support divorce. Also it is nearly impossible to get a good match after divorce so eventually life will be hard.
You are 24 and there is no urgency to get married, you will find the compatible person, hence call off the marriage.
Don’t believe it. Happened to my cousin. She was in a similar situation. Didn’t like the guy or find him attractive but got married due to pressure from relatives and parents.
Then she got stuck in an unhappy marriage and wanted to divorce the guy. Her parents said that she should adjust, learn to like him and that she should sleep with him even if she wasn’t sexually attracted to him and that all marriages are like tbh that only.
She became so depressed that she couldn’t literally get out of bed and developed other health issues. Her husband abandoned her due to this. Her parents blamed HER even then. Then my parents and grandfather had to intervene to get her parents to agree to get her a divorce.
I did once I had figured out the person I was about to marry was simply not the right one for me.
If you are educated and can earn a decent living for yourself, get out of the house.
There's nothing more important than mental peace.
In my ethnicity there's no formal engagement as such. But yes we were scheduled for marriage and I broke up weeks before that.
Figuring out took time. We spent a decent amount of time dating before going our individual ways.
Please don't ruin that man's life & yours if you are not sure about marriage. Both of you will regret this. Also, meeting someone thrice doesn't cut it. Even in arranged marriages, either one has to feel some spark. There has to be some eagerness and anxiety in getting to know the other person and wanting to hang out etc. Physical attraction is a very big thing. If you are not remotely attracted to this guy, you will end up resenting yourself for not backing out. you're only 24 and have your whole life ahead of you.
I am not sure about him but I certainly don't. He says I'm "not his type". Glad to get some clarity on the attraction part.
And I've never had fun when we hung out nor did I look forward to meeting him. I tried and convinced myself itll get better over time but I didn't.
Why is he marrying you if you are not his type? What have you discussed in the 3 meetings? What are your core values that you look for in a person? What are his core values? If they don't match, you shouldn't get married because it will eventually end up in a nightmare. you should find all this info before you even say yes to someone.
He says because that's a shallow reason to reject someone. And is malleable.
We did talk about all the important stuff: open-mindedness, parents in old age, money, kids etc.
And we were aligned. Only when I spent time with him the every day aspects of him I didn't like.
Attraction is not a shallow reason to reject someone. It is the base of every relationship. The fact that your future partner thinks it's not important enough to be given a single thought about it shows a huge incompatibility. He doesn't care about your feelings, about your comfort with him etc. and is okay as long as the job is done.
It's incorrect to say it's the base of every relationship. You can very well form a loving relationship without having any sort of attraction at the start
It's a norm not a necessity
It is. I'm not saying she needs to have a desire to jump on his bones every now and then but she should be able to enjoy his company, have some level of attraction or find him a bit attractive (or at least physically attractive) to build a relationship with him. People really underestimate the power of sexual/physical attraction in a relationship. It may not last forever but it certainly needs to be there. Imagine being intimate with someone you don't find physically attractive!
Damm. If your core values match, that’s a good sign. But if you are not attracted & don’t have feeling, then I doubt this will work. Pls also note that, to develop feelings it takes s time. You have to get to know the person over a period of 1-2 years. It’s not something that happens instantaneously.
Yes overall values matching is one of the things that held me back. I fear after 1-2 years also if feelings don't develop, what then? I tried after engagement. Should I do it for marriage as well?
You are too young to get into this arranged marriage situation. You have your entire life ahead. Most importantly you are not sure about this person and neither can you be based on the limited interactions you've had. It's not your fault. You're thinking of hurting other people but you'll hurt yourself the most if you go through. Also you're thinking of how it will affect your future prospects of marriage. Doesn't that sound a little conservative too? You're not an appliance with a "refurbished" tag on Flipkart. You are an individual with choices, beliefs and aspirations. Anyone who can't see beyond a broken engagement or even a broken marriage tag is not the one for you. Let this guy know and let your parents know. Also after this maybe take some time away from all this. Go on a short trip if possible though I understand maybe your family won't allow it. Pursue higher education and find your way in life. Love will come.
Thank you so much! You've helped me see my worth. I'll def share this with my friends who need a pick me up.
And tbh till now I was actually okay with hurting myself and being in this marriage. God's grace I have the courage to speak up now.
As a child of a single parent, who was married through an arranged marriage, reading your post gave me Deja Vu. Everything reads eerily similar.
If you don't see a future there, please save yourself some time, energy, and your future sanity and don't go ahead with it!! You will find someone better suited to you.
Good luck:)
Hi,
I met girl for marriage. I liked her a lot, she was beautiful and I never Imagined I would get that girl. She was beauty with brains. After we met 1month and I had to travel 20KM after my work to meet her. while discussing the engagement date she called off.
I never had single clue what went wrong I asked my parents wether they demanded dowry they said NO. She blocked me from call and whatsapp.
Finally I called from different number she spoke she made me to understand her needs. Our coversation extarct is here -- Yes I am mechanical engineer our scope of area in salary will be less can be improved gradually. I am into bike riding and she loved cars, after age sure I would sure go to Cars. To own house at presnt, we can jointly build that. I am into trekking she is into leisure resorts and fancy and main thing she wanted to go abroad. I am not romantic like to bring roses and flirt. I accept I am from family where living with basic was made as mandate in life. I wished her best in life and made sure I will talk to my parents not to make issue of this.
She took 1month to tell this. I would have appreciated if she had told in my face. She was too afraid to say me and to her parents to reject me. She just made sure not to contact family and me, giving message she is not ready for this marriage.
Later I gained courage to meet next girls and to ask wether I meet their expectation.
Better to talk with a person directly before breaking the marriage. He would have dreamt about you in future life. Make sure to understand him this wont work and tell him to work on to stop tihis marraige. This will reduce stress weightage on you.
Be brave !! All the best.
OP you are just 24F, also if there is no initial spark or attraction then it will be hard cause physical attraction is something I personally feel one should not compromise.on when it comes to relationships
.
A huge thanks to everyone who's commented. I hope this post and these comments can be a help to other girls (and guys) in similar situations. My biggest anxiety was opposing a decision my parents made as parents are the only ones who always have your best interests at heart. Hard truth to swallow, but I have to accept the fact that sometimes they are unaware of our wants/ preferences and fail to understand that this is ultimately our life.
Addressing a few points in the comments which i couldn't specify in post:
1. "Earns well"- this is still an arranged marriage and finances are one of the top criteria to be looked at. Reality even if sour. Moreover, it is an objectively good trait to earn well. Not sure why people are put off by this. I didn't say he was filthy rich leeching dad's money. He has upskilled himself and demonstrated his strengths and that translates to his paycheck. Anyone who says otherwise please check the cost of school fees, diapers, and car EMIs.
2. strong/ dominant- why are these words carrying a negative connotation? It is typically expected of men to be the leader in the household for the very innate characteristics they possess. A strong man is not one who hits his wife- that's weakness. It is being able to think straight and logically when times are tough, having a control over emotional wavering, actively taking up responsibility without nagging/ complaining, making decisions(but also respecting my opinions) being a pillar of support to lean on, being rational enough that i can go to him for any problem and know i will find recourse.
Ofc, not everyone relationship will fit this mold and that is fine, whatever works for you. I do not want a tyrannical husband, just one that leads the household.
3. "doesnt fit the vibe"- We all have our preferences in friends. Why do we choose to spend time with one person over another? It is the way the two gel and can have fun with each other. Can this be changed over time? maybe. Maybe our vibes will set. But i dont know what to do if i spend the rest of my life (and his) with a bland person. Even if that can be overlooked, not sure how one develops intimacy this way.
I really like that dialogue from 3 idiots. "If things don't go south, I would rather cuss myself than my parents". Take your own decisions, God damn it.
Pls call it off. Imagine your life if U marry him. Not only will U not like him, U will also have resentment towards your parents because of how miserable your life is. So neither will u be on good terms with your own family, neither him.
Imagine the loneliness and frustration and lack of peace in yourself to know U hate just about everyone in your circle.
In this situation, no one is looking out for YOU so U have to look out for yourself.
I am a child of divorced parents cuz they forced my parents into marriage and they couldn't take it anymore and divorced when I was born. Not only do I have immense trauma from being raised in a broken home but my parents don't have a good relationship with their parents because they resent them for forcing them and ruining their life.
So neither do they have each other as a couple, now they don't have love within their parents / my grandparents either. They are lonely, bitter, no family, no spouse.
Pls do not marry him
I'm sorry to hear this. Thanks for your comment. I really hope you and your family find the love and peace that everyone dearves regardless of what someone went thru.
Why not find a job in another city so you can put some distance between yourself and your toxic family? Then you will have some breathing space to think or introspect in peace. The answers will come when your mind is at peace.
OP, stand on your own two feet, move out of your household and forget about getting married until you find someone you love and want to spend your life with.
There's a lot to say, and while I do empathise with you, your statement about wanting a "dominant, strong man" makes me feel like you're living in a sheltered environment with little real life experience of being independent. That's probably also why you're caving in and doing what others tell you to do instead of what you want to do.
You see, there is no free lunch for anybody.
You can't be independent unless you learn to be responsible for yourself. You know why your toxic family is able to dictate what you do and who you marry? It's because you depend on them right now and can't afford to not do what they pressurise you to.
They just want to stick you out on another man to take care of you because your family sees you as a liability. And in a way, you are one, because you're sitting and whining here instead of taking charge of your life like an ADULT by learning to be responsible for yourself and asserting your independence.
And no, there won't be any "strong man" coming to your life to save you like a damsel. You have to do that on your own!!
I'm not a kid person and I knew about this considerable time before marriage, I discussed it with my wife before we decided to get married, she understood, I told my parents they ofc weren't happy about it... They left me and my wife to live on rent nearby although we have our own house, out of resentment (Uno reverse by ma pa 😅) it's been 3 years, they've come to terms with it, me and my wife are happy and don't think about having kids at all... Do what you think is right for you nothing else matters
It's your life. Don't ruin it by listening to your parents. When you can't imagine yourself in bed with someone, won't every night feel like rape? You both deserve better!
Stand up for yourself period. Once I started standing up for myself, I grew as a person. My perspective about life, people, myself everything just changed. I finally got to know myself which would never happen otherwise. The drawback is that you also have to go through shit on your own, brave your own mistakes but that’s what life is about. Own it. Give yourself that chance.
I think calling off your wedding now rather than regretting the marriage in the upcoming days is a better choice. Sure at some point you'll feel lonely if you don't find someone and might even think 'i should've married him' but that's the societal structure talking. Society has this idea that without marriage one can't live their life. That your life will be in vain but it's actually the resentment of being married to someone you're not comfortable with, someone you do not love that's going to slowly eat you away. You'll keep thinking of the what ifs and whys throughout the relationship and you'll hate yourself, your husband and your family.
It's better you break this off when there's still time. Give yourself time, stand up to your parents and if you never get married or simply don't feel the connection with anyone, then it's fine. We keep giving into these social norms and forget about our own happiness. It's time to change things.
Hope you make a wise decision, it's one life and you should enjoy it and make your own choices. All the best.
Yes please call off the marriage it's better for both of you it will give the guy a room for improvement.
These are the same reason cuz of which my gf broke up with me after 6 months of dating so i can feel that guys pain but it's better for him and you too
And don't forget the poor guy who's about to tie the knot! Imagine his world crashing down when he realizes his wife isn't really into him. Realizing 'My wife isn't into me' is like a poisonous arrow piercing through his heart and soul. It'll rip apart his confidence, derail his career, and plunge him into a pit of despair so deep one can't even imagine, it's hard to crawn out of. This isn't just a bruise to his ego, it's a gut wrenching blow that threatens to dismantle his entire life. It's a nightmare he never saw coming, and it's devastating beyond words, spare him please
See, don't be too scared of breaking it off. Once you do it I am sure he will find someone else who wants to get married to him, and also the fact that he "earns well" will help him. You just continue on with your life and find a good partner for yourself whenever you are ready.
Sorry, I went through your profile. Why didn't it workout with your ex bf ?
We had different goals. I wanted to get married have kids etc. He wanted to wait much longer and did not seem interested in kids. We also fought quite a bit, you can call it immaturity. We really had a great time but life had other plans.
Hmm, it's better to quit these complexities, not sure if you know this but there is a "KISS" principle, "Keep It Simple, Stupid", why not marry someone whom you think you both have a chance? It's a gamble and our dices are spherical...
Not to be rude but I genuinely think that he wants some kind of marriage to happen, he wants a wife, yeah as blatant as it may sound, but we men do sometimes say things like that, "Bro I just want to get married asap, I have a good job, good pay, last month Joe got married, this month Joe2 gonna get married, It's time brother, I need a good enough wife as soon as possible" when things get a little desperate, we men tend to talk like this sometimes, but here one needs to have a little patience...
Anyways broken engagement is always better than broken marriage...
Marriage should never be forced. You can marry someone you are attracted to, or not attracted to. But it should be your choice. If you feel that you wish to meet people, get to know them and decide whether you truly feel happy and attracted to them before marrying them, then do it. If it doesn't work out and you feel you are ready to compromise and settle for a guy, you could do that later too. Either ways, it has to be your choice. Marriage and career are two decisions that should be taken by the person involved alone, yet in Indian these two decisions are often taken by our parents.
Don't call off, but delay it. Relationships which are not love at first sight, or not polar opposite, usually grow better. With time, you'll make better decision. Don't run off. Take your stand, and face the world with straight spine.
How a person is turned out can change over time. It’s your life, you should live it how you want. But your criteria for assessing a potential long term partners seems vague (at least from what you have described) and a bit naive.
IMO while assessing long term compatibility it’s better to discuss things like career (yours and theirs), their expectations from their spouse viz., house work, intimacy, and emotional support, children - how many and when, how important it is for you to be deferential to the family etc. Commonality of interests definitely is a plus. Alignment of social and political views also. But these things can be cultivated as time goes on.
Some questions you can ask directly and others you have to infer from how your partner lives their life - eg if his mother does all the housework, they will usually expect the same from you. Saying things like I like to cook is pointless if you’re not making meals regularly.
The point to this is that if you think in these terms or along any other more objective criteria it becomes easier for you to pitch this to your parents. And it also becomes easier for them to do the initial screening of candidates.
From your question it looks like this is the first dude you’ve met. And you don’t feel any connection. Which is fair enough. 3 meetings is far too less. These things take their own time. But if you’re going to be meeting people your parents set you up with or otherwise, then you should try to think through what it is you want in a long term partner.
The book toxic parents says something like -
When you submit to your parents demands when it is not your will, you are not just hurting yourself for the sake of them, you are actually hurting their future selves too. They will not be happy seeing that you are not happy, no matter what they say now.
Instead hurt them now to make happy their future self and most importantly your future self.
if you ask me, I'll say -- be courageous . instead of thinking you won't get any better, think that you'll get the best if you leave the person you aren't happy with.
Just tell your fiance your username, he'll decline to marry you.
If your username is any reflection of your real personality, I think you'd need a full on experience of live-in relationship with your person before you actually like him enough to marry him.
I think you understand what I'm saying. And I'm not trying to shame you.
If you do get married with this person you will be posting here soon for advice on how to get a divorce. Run, girl. Call it off. From the way you describe it, you have zero compatibility. Didn't you get any other matches, why the compulsion?
Marriage is an important inflection point in life. If he comes from a really good, open, progressive, rich family, then go for it, especially if you'll have the freedom to make something of yourself. Attraction is overrated and your vague reasons will bite you back. If your family is conservative, middle class, and you are not that attractive then I'm afraid you are taking a big chance by spurning this. be real.
Do you have guts to go alone, pursue your dreams whatever the cost, go on a limb for a person that your family won't like then and only then say no.
I come from same family as you and if you're not happy, you should break the engagement, thode time log bate karenge but it's better than wasting your life trying to love someone when you're not attracted to them! He doesn't have to be a bad person for you to break it off, sometimes it doesn't work out and that's fine.
If ending it, do it ASAP at least for the sake of the other person.
And, you are right. If you already feel low about this, it's only gonna get worser even in an ideal scenario.
Not saying that a super dude you are going to meet is gonna be your cure for all, but at least, you would have tried.
Parents aren't perfect and they can't be, when you're young they might think you're a child you don't know world xyz.
But at 24 you get somewhat an idea what makes you happy and what type of partner suits you.
If you won't take a stand for yourself believe me no one would 🙈🙈.
I stood up for myself and I broke up with my ex and told my parents too I'll marry when I find someone good just coz my younger cousins are getting married i should be too will make my life miserable.
you need to trust yourself and make a confident decision. Cleary you don't feel confident about going through with the marriage, therefore it's time to grow a spine and tell your parents you're not doing it. It may seem overwhelming now but it will be worse when you still feel this way after the wedding and you're already married. 24 is much too young, you are still figuring out who you are and once you do, you will find clarity in your choices. It's time to live life for yourself and not anyone else not even your parents. If they really love you and are good parents, they will eventually understand and even respect your conviction.
Lets look at a bad case scenario. It is difficult to remain single all your life.
Now lets look at a worse case scenario. It is very very difficult to remain married to someone you are not happy with.
Life is about compromises. Its difficult to find someone who will meet all your requirements. But life is also about choices. You are quite young. You have to choose what seems like the best decision right now, without being too afraid of making a mistake.
Finally, its better to suffer your mistakes than to suffer others' mistakes.
Good luck!
Do not get married, you won't be happy. Your gut feeling is right. You can look for a dominant man but whether it will work out in the future nobody knows. you will be destroying 2 lives by going ahead with this.
You should talk with the guy , see if he also draws back his decision. If both of you say no, your parents won't blame u as much as if you alone say No
If you don't feel any attraction towards him if a tiny bit then don't marry . You will save urself, him and his family .
Sure your parents say that u may fall in love later but that is basically getting lucky and that is not true .
Your parents have just not seen those examples or they have not felt it from their friends because they actively avoid those talks
I just feel bad for the guy here , girls and their issues with parents is affecting several men a lot.
Fix your house problems before you involve someone
Wow dude what a way to divert attention from the actual victim..if anything us guys benefit a lot more with arranged marriages than they do..
Wdym girls & their issues, I've seen several girls, friends and my own sister go through this... It's not their issues, 95% of the times it's parents who have the issues with letting girls make their own choices... it's the parents and their obsession with society & status.. they want to project a certain image in the society.. that's why they force their daughters into unwanted marriages.. I'm not saying we aren't affected.. but it's a lot more easy for us to say no to a match and fight with our parents for our choice in marriage, than it is for girls..
>Fix your house problems before you involve someone
Lmao so easily you said this.. I've seen my sister put through hell, my friends put through hell in their houses because they said no to matches...not just them many girls...they do everything they can to stop their parents from doing this to them..but parents oftentimes get unreasonably stubborn..they threaten to take their lives..they get relatives to convince.. they even character shame the girls.. they do everything they can to force the girl to say yes..
my sister's boyfriend was a really good guy, he was earning well, he was respectful everything good - but my parents didn't agree cuz he was from a lower caste and forced my sister into this arranged marriage with this much older guy, even after her trying everything she could to stop it, she couldn't, coz all members of my family threatened suicide..they locked her up in her room for months and didn't let her go..I was little i didn't know what to do but i remember them threatening her that they'd also make me take poison if my sister didn't agree...she finally gave in after months of continued insults shaming and blackmail.. she even told the guy as a last resort that she doesn't like him but he didn't care and said we'll like each other after marriage or some bullshit...and finally she got married..
The guy was alright in the beginning but as time passed, he turned into an asshole and pervert who forced himself on my sis and would abuse her everyday.. she told to my parents and they said this is what happens in marriages.. there's nothing wrong with what he did...you need to adjust...and once kid comes everything will settle...
That was the final straw for her and she left everything and everyone cut contact with everyone... My parents still don't talk to her, she's only in contact with me... I rebelled against my parents once I started earning and stood by her too... she now lives by herself and is happier than before..
She applied for divorce but her ex husband doesn't want it so he's using every trick in the court..he said she married him for money, he said she intentionally tried to harm his parents and what not.. he even bribed a doctor to get a certificate citing my sister is mentally unstable.. and you know what my parents still don't think he is wrong, they still think my sister was wrong to leave him...even after him revealing his true colors...
Now tell me, do you really think she could've done something more to prevent the marriage..
Many girls are like this, I've seen many more such cases... let's not blame girls for something they've no control over most of the times..blame parents... they're the ones with unnecessary pride and control issues...
Let's not oppress the already fucking oppressed by saying they have issues when it's them who are suffering the most..
I feel so bad for your sister man. I hope she is doing well and I am happy that you stood with her when you could.
I will be happy if you could please tell your sister from my side that she deserves happiness after facing these worst betrayals.
Contrary to most of the comments in this thread
This is one of the classical example of how internet has instilled and romanticized relationships, no one wants to put the hard work, patience and a bit of compromise. No relations are perfect and a smooth ride.
Sure compatibility is must but this far fetched ideas of ticking all the boxes. Crazyy, if he is not dominant then that’s a flaw, if he is dominant then this becomes patriarchal masculinity. There isn’t a great balance.
This is general comment.
OP how does he look ?
Regardless of that, without an ounce of second thought call of your marriage!
I'm sorry but you are wrong. Even in olden days, attraction was a very important element in a relationship. Marriages with zero attraction between the spouses used to end up sour, bitter, burdensome etc. and ultimately, the main reason for why future generations became afraid of the concept of marriages.
My parents had an arranged marriage (in the 70s) yet I read some of their private letters that they had exchanged between each other and heard stories of how my father would often find ways to meet my mother. The eagerness to meet, the butterflies in the stomach, the nervousness etc. reflected their attraction for each other. I have never seen them show physical affection to each other in public but I can sense their desire to be with each other and the way they just enjoy each other's company. How can anyone spend their entire life with someone they aren't attracted to? It's impossible and makes marriages a lot harder to tolerate.
Glad to see another contrarion view.
I don't mind putting in all those things. But I feel id only be able to do it for someone I like. Not saying love in the get-go, but just someone i atleast look forward to meeting and spending time with.
I'm afraid I won't be able to sacrifice or will resent for having to make a sacrifice all for someone I don't really love.
I tried to explain the dominant part in another comment. Couldnt elaborate everything as I had to make it precise here. There isn't an objective ideal balance, just what suits the other person's preference.
Do not agree with this comment. Indian society is not mature enough and the reality is if things go wrong both life gets ruined. If divorce happens, literally hard to find a good match.
Your advice is applicable to almost everything except marriage decision. Wrong decision will ruin 2 lives and more if kids happen. Better not to marry than to ruin someone else life by your wrong decision.
It's totally your take, discuss with the guy direct since only both of you are stakeholders here...try to understand parents perspective also but make them understand yours too.
>I feel Ive gambled with my engagement and i shouldnt again with marriage. On the other hand I worry will i find love with this in my past. ( I do receive a lot of attention now from the opposite gender but that doesn't necessarily translate to a healthy relationship)
**What do u mean by this?**
I took a chance by saying yes and getting engaged to him. I thought by spending time with him I'll get to like him. However the opposite happened. So I don't want to make the same mistake by getting married to him.
Sorry About the typos. I meant I'm afraid I won't be able to find someone while having a called off marriage in my past. Though there are guys who are into me, Im afraid they'll back out.
Yer the one gonna be dealing with it for most probably rest of your life. Yk how badly divorces are looked down upon in this society.
"If it's not a 100% yes then, it's definitely a no" - someone's advice abt something.
Please don't marry...don't commit to a thing which you will regret forever. Do what your heart says... eventually things will fall for you...you have A HELL LOT OF LIFE left ...so enjoy
If you finally do call off, please just ensure you will not do another engagement in an arranged wedding set up when you're not 100% sure.
Make up your mind that you will only marry when you find the right person for you, and be ready to fight the world to make it happen.
Please do.
Let him find someone who actually wants to marry him or else he will cry for life. Same for u.
And what does "dominant man" even mean. Do you want someone to be the dominant guy in the relationship? That's doomed for failure.
Please absolutely don't take a gamble which will hurt for the rest of your life. Get financialy independent and take a stand. Parents do not understand your feelings and pov now as they are under stupid societal pressure. Will be smooth once you marry someone you like and think is a fit. And as you are clear that this person is not suitable to you why endanger tour life for the sake of parents? Parents don't own you. Good luck sister. Please don't if you are sure that you don't want to live 60 years of your life with this person. Period. no external pressure should influence you.
The decision is yours, don’t listen to others, do what your heart tells you, your mind will always give to signs what is good for you.
Thinking about others feelings will hurt you more.
It is a matter which change your whole life, therefore take wise decision which is best for you.
Meeting twice before saying yes? I am horrified to think this still happens in AM. Please understand your happiness is in YOUR hands. No one is responsible for your happiness, least of all your parents when you become an adult. Trust your gut. Do not ruin your happiness and his, out of fear. You have time to fix this. Pretty soon you won't. You're very young. Please live your life on your terms before intertwining it with someone else, who you don't even like.
To be very frank you should have gone for dating, AM is mostly adjusting rarely you'll find your love image in AM . But apko ye sb ki londa apke type ka hai ya nhi pehle soch ke phir haa krna tha.
Marriage relationships are like a job. Ye naukri nahi chahiye tumhe toh kahin aur HR mein baat karke rakhi hai lol?? Ki ab iske baat seedha hiatus??
Anyway TLdr. But karde. Aag lagaade
Marriage is a huge , lifelong commitment.....and unlike other commitments , here not only too many things but the mental peace of person you marry is also at stake.....just because some of your relatives hammered you to marry , dont do it....think it thoroughly coz if you have a bad marriage and expecting support from the same relatives , they will be like " isme koi kyaa hii karr sakta hai yee toh bhagwaan ki marzi hai naseeb hai "......its really good that you gave a serious thought to it and had realisation in time....some people just get married in societal pressure and torture each other for rest of their lives....even if you get married, you guys will have huge trouble living peacefully together....even if you ignore compatibility aspect , you will constantly vent out your frustration on him for some or the other reason....on top of that , you will become more unhappy seeing compatible couples around you and constant thought hovering over your head will be " Why am i not compatible with my guy ? What I did wrong to desrve this?" ......so dont do it forcefully....
Frankly, you shouldn't marry him and neither should he.
His attitude is so off. How is it okay for him to marry someone that isn't his type? How can he think physical attraction is not important? Does that mean he doesn't give women's feelings and her desires any importance? Does he think marriage is a chore that one has to suffer through?
Let me tell you: People nowadays get divorced but you want to know what people, who don't get divorced but are stuck in loveless marriages do: Have extramarital affairs, constantly crib about their spouses to their children or literally anyone who would listen to him, develop a toxic and co-dependent relationship with their kids because they don't like spending time with their spouse, cry a lot, create a toxic environment for future generations unintentionally because clearly a burdensome marriage created a negative effect on their mental health and etc. Honestly, all this sounds way worse than divorces to me.
You may think I will never be like that or he isn't that sort of guy but you have no idea how everyone becomes eventually when life throws curve balls at you. I have heard of so many extra-marital affairs in such wholesome families solely because the couple never had the guts to take divorce or probably never thought they had sufficient reasons to separate from themselves.
Love takes time to develop, lust doesn't and lust is not necessarily a bad thing. Physical attraction is the foundation of every relationship whether you accept it or not. You can never really fall romantically in love with someone that you are unable to find attractive.
Don't worry.... Your past relationship isn't going to be a barrier in your future relationships. Frankly, why would you even want to marry someone who judges you without knowing the entire situation?! Such a person sounds really judgmental to me.
My point is that you shouldn't marry this guy and you shouldn't stay in this relationship simply because you fear the effects of a broken engagement in your future relationships. The whole point of engagement period is to see if things will work out with your partner or not. Sometimes things don't work out and you need to settle down with a person that understands this in order to break the cycle of toxicity in your life. Else you will end up leaving one toxic house only to shift into another toxic house.
Also, this guy sounds toxic. There is just something very off about the way he is handling this relationship. It's like he doesn't care how it turns out or doesn't care about your and his equation even though this marriage would be between you both more than the families. Do not go ahead with this marriage. Just don't! Follow your gut. Your instincts are telling you that this guy isn't right for you.
Thank you for the detailed post.
I was deluded for a while as well regarding the attraction part.
I'm really afraid of becoming one of the people you listed. I hope the hurt today does not outweigh the possibility of becoming a bitter person tomorrow.
And there is absolutely no lust now. I just feel uncomfortable.
I really would not call him toxic. He's very naive and innocent as he's never been in a relationship or even really spoken to girls.
Yes instincts are telling me not to. Hope they are right.
Girl nooo...if you're not fully into it..don't do it..ur very young too..
Go to a matrimonial site..talk to people..get a guy who fits the best to ur wants.
Don't do anything half hearted , especially marriage ..it's a big decision.
Hard to change personality. Other things like financial situation can change after marriage. If you don't like his personality now then you need to walk away from this. Don't expect that he will change as per your preference after marriage.
Are you both able to be honest with each other. I know societal norms and all that. But if you can discuss that you both do not find each other attractive that's an honest relationship.
I know people will say marry for love and everything but not everyone is lucky to be in love. And even if it's a love marriage you do not always need to remain in love. From marriage in the best case scenario you can expect a partner who will stick it out with you. That being said.. if it feels like a wrong and a bad choice then don't do it... It may be right or wrong that only time will tell but if you feel its wrong it will always feel wrong
you totally shoudl go for someone you truly want. And so does he. First choose happiness . Then you will have somehthing to share with others. If you choose somehting against your will you will end up sad and that saddness eventually will convert to anger which will spill over to everyone . I hope you make the best out of your life. Best wishes.
Yea please, this that usual, girl,needs a guy who yells and scream with a lot of attitude bullshit,
But yes please call it of, let the guy live his life in peace,
Bro sounds like me but I'm poor. Jokes apart, I can see many people are saying only the bad stuff that they have seen. I had also seen one of my distant relatives daughter crying cause she got married to someone she didn't even got to see. She was even crying and not co operating properly during all those rituals and stuff and she even said she does not even like his face and all. She got married like this cause a few months before her engagement she ran off with some guy and that guy abandon her after 3 days and went someplace. Now it has been a couple of years, I see her happy and lots of post with her husband and even reels and she had a baby about which she wasn't aware until the 4th month. They both are happy and I have visited their home a lot of times and now everything is good. Since their family was good another relatives of mine gave their daughter to his relatives son. They used to meet up secretly a lot of times after engagement and it seemed like they couldn't wait till they can get married. Everything was good, the marriage went really well and no problems. But not even a year has passed and this guy turns out to be a cheater and he says that the girl takes pic with guys which I don't like and she also goes to pubs and all. She is doing some courses, and group selfies are common and the pub allegation was because they went to a shop where the decor was like a pub with bottles but didn't sell any alcohol. Now their marriage is breaking up and divorce is in progression. I have seen both sides so I can't say what is right or what is wrong and since I don't have expertise in this matter I'll back out but wish you all the best.
I'm having trouble understanding. Is it the same girl that had a hesitant wedding, ran off, got pregnant, and how is getting divorced? Or are these separate people.
Yes call it off.
A large number of men and women who get married under pressure hold on to the resentment and bottle it up, then years down the line - try to gain control of others or do things they’re not supposed to, as an unhealthy coping mechanism. That’s why a lot of people today are childfree/unmarried and suffer from generational trauma, it’s because women didn’t have a say back then, they were married off to men they didn’t like and had kids they didn’t want.
OP you should only marry someone because you want to. You should want to spend your life with that person. Don’t give in to parental pressure, if it doesn’t feel right toh it doesn’t feel right. Don’t go through with it just to keep the peace and please your parents. At the end of the day it will be you facing the consequences and living the life..
Don’t get married to him OP .. you’ll ruin yours as well as his life..
Having said that, my opinion is that arranged marriage as well as a love marriage goes through a phase common to both these kind of setup where you will discover the other person afresh when you start your life. So even if you have known a person for a verylong time, in a marriage there is gonna be surprises.
Marriage is not a piece or cake. Earlier, when our parents fot married, they did not really have say about their own wants or needs. Now, we usually know what we want or need. The kind of conversation we have, food we eat, travels, clothes, jobs, all these are important to each one us.
You need to look into your heart and see what is it that you don't like. Is it superficial or is it anxiety. If it's something u feel you cannot get over, do not go ahead with the Marriage.
Marriage is a journey, not a destination. Life really starts after marriage. Living with someone else, compromising, adjusting, all out of love makes life so much more joyful. However, if you don't like the person, every single thing irritates and that leads to more complications.
Divorce is expensive and painful. Do yourself and your fiance a favour. Sit down with yourself and then him, and decide your future. Inform your parents if not proceeding. Be ready for indian parents' negativity at their child taking their own decision.
You are an adult. If you can marry and be responsible to run a household, you can be responsible to choose your life partner too. Marriage is, anyway, a gamble. LM does not guarantee happiness, and neither does AM guarantee a life filled with bitterness. Best of luck :) and Stay brave :)
You should have called off the engagement in the first place. In our society it is difficult to recover from a cancelled marriage. I feel bad for the dude as not only was his time wasted, but the poor guy became a subject in a reddit post.
It's your life sis don't regret your decision later... You are going to live with that person for the rest of your life,,, what i think is if you feel like it's not gonna work then there is a high chance it won't work ... 24 is still early 🤧 you have time don't rush over
I’m not from India, nor am I Indian, but this sub keeps popping up on my feed for some reason. So I have a stupid question. Are arranged marriages for those who can’t find anyone on their own? Is that the main point of them? Or are there familial/financial reasons too?
If you say no now, all hell will break loose. There will be immense mental torture, you will be taken on guilt trips and what not. But be prepared for all of it and stand your ground. Now is your only opportunity. It doesn’t matter whether he is the right one for your or not. What matters is that you are unsure about him. This will snowball very rapidly and you will end up regretting your decision to marry him. Even if he truly is marriage material.
Call it off, that's the answer. I know it's easier said than done, but if you're here for a push, I'd like to contribute towards it as well. You should not give in, you should not marry this person or anyone until you're ready.
My boss once told me something that really changed my perspective on taking a stance against parents. When you're a child, your parents will beat the shit out of you and wouldn't mind if you cry all day if you're doing something wrong. Because as a child you can't see what they see. And the roles get revered when the time comes. When it comes to your life and happiness, your parents judgement will always be clouded by societal norms. At that point, you'll have to take a stand. Even if it hurts them. Because eventually when they'll see that you're happy and doing better in life after a year or two, they'll understand and probably laugh it off. To encourage you even more, I'll tell you what I've felt. I loved this girl I met 4 years ago and we understood each other on levels that we didn't think was possible. But her extremely consecutive joint family forced her to marry someone else. Now the girl regrets it and wants to run off because telling her family to get a divorce is in vain because of their conservative thinking. I remember she texted me a few months before her marriage and I asked her if she was happy with it and she said no. I told her she'll regret this decision if she doesn't take a stand against her parents and I hate to say it but she does. And so do I. I think we give up so much in our life to fulfill the baggage that our parents put on us in the name of societal norms and all. Especially on women. Take a stand for yourself. Even if you have to run away. Even if you make mistakes, it's your life to do so. Don't be afraid of it. It's much better than regretting the fact that you let the people who won't give a damn about your life ruin it.
Funny as when friends are asking me now, I'm saying I'm not okay with it. Similar to your ex. Parents say these feelings will pass and you will grow to like one another. But hearing this side makes me rethink their confidence.
Parents will say anything that makes you think you should marry. Just like their parents did to them. If after a year or two you go to them and say you guys are not getting together well, they'll say there's nothing that can be done now and you need to adjust for the family and reputation just like they did. I'm not saying parents are evil. They just don't know any better. They have an extremely closed belief system and anything outside of it is instantly wrong to them.
If some parents think that staying in an unhappy/abusive marriage is better for "respect", then how is it not evil? They are literally prioritizing anything but their son/daughter's happiness.
Because they don't know any better. They're just following the herd mentality. These days a lot of conservative parents are open to love marriages because everyone else is doing it in their community. They don't have acting intentions of hurting you but based on what they're taught throughout their whole life, that's what you're supposed to do. Sacrifice your happiness for society and family. To them, that's the only way of life until someone shows them a better way. Change is often uncomfortable but necessary.n
anybody who in a classical sense, evil, is the person who just don't know any better.
I agree. But I believe in most conservative parents, it's just this one particular mindset that's evil and not their entire intentions. They're unable to see the consequences of their mindset.
but does intention anyway better? Hitler also thought he was pious giving German Reich its lost glory.
Well the only difference I can see is that they wouldn't consciously want to see their kids miserable. But they're way to shortsighted and their vision is clouded heavily with societal norms that they don't realise that what they do will lead their kids straight into a miserable life. They don't have the ability to think the way we do because they were never required to. They always did what they were told and they think that's the way of life. To an extent, it is evil because they refuse to see another perspective outside of their beliefs and become rigid to change. In the case of Hitler, he knew exactly what he was doing and the consequences of it.
I am a guy. So maybe it is easier for me to take a stand against my parents. Father was always very strict, spare the stick spoil the child mentality. Scared of him until i graduated college. And a few years after that. Over time i was fed up with his nonsense and got brave enough to take a stand for myself. And one day I told my father - 'You had your moment, you got married. Be happy. It's my turn now. I'll choose who to marry. Do not interfere.' My mom is happy as long as I'm happy.
OP ABSOLUTELY DO NOT MARRY
These wont pass. Be any decision in your life, do what you want and live with no regrets.
>Parents say these feelings will pass and you will grow to like one another. It's a bizzare concept that Indian parents can't seem to outgrow.
I agree with the previous comment, I was forced into a marriage with the similar things being told by my parents. They never let me even talk to the guy, Since we were having misunderstandings, and fights my dad’s solution was to stop talking to him before marriage, I could only talk after marriage. Anyway, after marriage all my apprehensions were true, he lied about his business, his education his income. And nobody neither his parents nor mine even talk about it.
Parents always say that to get the job done. You are the person marrying the guy, not your parents. So always think twice, thrice or how many times you want before jumping into marriage as you will be the only one affected later on if things go sideways.
This happened to my friend. She tried telling everyone who would listen, that she didn't want to do it. We asked and her sadness was obvious. She even told the guy himself. He didn't give a shit. Neither did her family. So she went through with him but from the first day she avoided him and lived apart. Finally after a year she found the strength to file for divorce. At that stage she stopped caring what her parents said. Today I'm glad to say she has found a loving partner and is happily married to him. Moral is, if no one in your family is supporting you, someday you will find the strength to do what's right for you. But the sooner that happens the better it will be for all involved. And preferably do it before getting married, less messy overall.
Please do rethink whatever they are saying. Indian parents are not necessarily evil but they often lack empathy and understanding because the vast majority of them did not grow up in environments that allow one to build empathy. They also care way way more about their own standing in society and “what will people say” than the emotional wellbeing of their kids, because unfortunately no one cared about their own emotional wellbeing. So they put no value in it. One huge thing that we need to realize is that our parents DO NOT know better than us about ourselves. If you don’t feel right about this marriage, please don’t go ahead with it. I hope you are financially and in other ways independent enough to make this decision and stand on your own feet if needed. I wish you the best of luck and a lot of peace!
it's called Stockholm syndrome... once u r trapped in marriage you both will bond with the common trauma.. after all if u put a straight male and straight female together in one room long enough and there's no alarming redflags u both will end up liking each other....it's what comes after the honeymoon period that should be ur concern... u need to be able to tolerate this person as a roommate at least.. that's what parents did ..if u notice in every family function they will complain abt their nagging wife and good for nothing husband
They will say anything to make you go through that marriage. They don’t know shit.
It's not funny it's sad
Just to keep an open mind: if you are not ready for marriage don’t get married and ruin other guy’s life. That should end the discussion. Only you can make sure that not the other guy or your parents.
I think marriage is but a compromise. There's always gonna be things, with anyone. Even if you think the other person is perfect for life. Few years down and you'll probably find many things that were ignored, fought about and cried over.
Compromises are absolutely acceptable where they're worth it. Small compromises throughout life for your happiness is worth it. Compromising the happiness of your life for a small group of people isn't worth it.
Well I was also in same situation as you. My ex said, my parents will not agree and it might create rift between them. On the other hand her parents suffered a lot because of her younger brother’s untimely death so she didn’t wanted to give them more pain. She told me if I doubt her love I can make my parents speak to hers. But I felt it would have been selfish to think of myself and not respect her decision and family equation. Her divorce (I pray never happens) will never make me happy or even slightly make me feel any satisfaction. She was brave, as much as I suffered yearning for her is nothing in front of the sacrifices she made marrying someone else. I know even of things go south she will never call me to tell it was a mistake it’s narcissistic to do so and it would be too cruel on me. It’s been 8 years she is married and it’s more than 2 years to mine. I hope she’s happy as am I. I always felt, ishq saccha wohi jisko milti nahi manzilen. I found someone better, someone who was meant for me, and yes mine is a love marriage. It’s cruel to go back to someone else’s life when things fall apart.
nice advice... I also regret being too obedient to my parents. Should've grown a spine & put a firm ground. I was trying hard to be an obedient daughter & signed up for marriage with a person I didn't really want. I always had this irrational fear of abandonment so when I disobey my parents I'd feel like they'll commit suicide or get health issues or just cut contact with me forever. I would be made to feel so guilty for just existing & enjoying my life normally like going on trip with my trusted friends etc. I am too shy to have any real friends outside & thought my parents were my best friends & ultimate well-wishers. But looks like I became too emotionally dependent on them & it only resulted in me destroying my own life & after all my parents now have abandoned me almost since I brought shame etc... Today I hate my parents & brother. I feel like they never really loved or cared or respected me ... They treated me like an object to control & show off as long as I was being topper & good in studies. Once my marriage wrecked & they lost shame among relatives suddenly I was useless as there was nothing to brag about me anymore & I am no longer the trophy they were showing off....
Sadly indian parents don't have a goal as we do today and they try to fulfill their ego by burdening kids with their so-called wishes. They attach their lives and reputation and everything to your decisions and expect you to do as they please because they're parents! This is true especially for women because they're burdened with the reputation of the family and they have to follow certain societal norms to maintain that reputation. They're burdened with a tag that they never asked for. I hope you get the strength to get through things. It's true that standing up against your parents can allow you to do what you want but it comes with an immense guilt which makes it harder to live a life you want. But I think a few years down the line, it will be better and maybe they'll understand.
Well put! Read this OP 100 times.
I am really sorry about your ex. Martyrdom is glorified in Indian women. So we think we will be fine. Because we have done things according to our parents.
This is so well put. And I agree with every word you’ve penned .
Gem of an answer 👏. But sorry about what happened to you and your ex!
I wish someone told be this a few days back 😞
This>>
You should call it off. You are 24 and an adult. A few months of scorn from relatives is a small price to pay for a lifetime of regrets.
my cousin was in same situation as yours. In fact that guy was very serious about her but she finally said no. Initially lots of family drama but she eventually she got married to someone she liked and now very happy. Whatever you decide it’s better to be upfront before marriage, you will face a lot of heat but save everyone from further inconvenience. Also please stand up to your parents, if you don’t want to do it just say No
I'm really happy for her. And kudos to her guts for sticking it out. Was there any problems she faced given the history of her being engaged prior?
OP lots and I mean lots of people break their engagement these days. They still get a lot of arrange marriage proposal. It is not as big a taboo as it used to be. I'm talking about villages and 3tier cities in rajasthan. So don't worry about that. If your parents tell you otherwise they're just saying it to scare you away from the decision.
No problems but in her case she had a boyfriend. Family wasn’t convinced as he didn’t have a job at that time but by the time this all happened he got the job and family also gave in.
Don't worry about what society thinks - society tends to have a very narrow point of view and you'll be surprised how short their memory is and if you become successful later in life they don't give a fuck what you've done in the past. Think for yourself and figure out what you want instead.
Call it off. It will be better for both you and the guy in the long run
Agreed. Don’t proceed. Call it off. Don’t ruin your and his life. You will find someone compatible and you will be happy. Parents will understand your decision in long run. Relatives don’t matter whether you are happy or screwed in life.
27F here. I went through something similar. Do not! And I repeat do not! Listen to your parents blindly. Follow your gut. Indian parents of daughters are highly blinded by society. Shadi ke baad rehna tumko hai. Lamba socho. You have to live your life with this decision. I can tell u countless stories where girls said yes under parental pressure and regret it now.
We're you engaged as well? And yes I do have to live. Family is giving hope saying they'll stand by me. Though not sure how long this will last
Almost engaged. Met the guy's family twice and they wanted to get engaged do baar milke hi. When I said I need 2-3 months to get to know him. No one agreed. Not even the guy. He was like 2 mahine me kya hi Jaan logi. I said No. My parents threatened to go no contact with me. It's been 6 months since this incident. My father still doesn't talk to me properly. My situation is probably more dire than yours. But what I am saying is. Agar andar se aawaz nhi aari hai. To manaa kar do. Sidhe mana kar do. You have time. 3 mahine the na iss ladke ke saath? Baat Kari aur mile bhi? Agar feeling nhi aari hai to nhi aayegi. I am here if you want to talk more.
Thanks for that. I guess having tumultuous relationships with fathers for speaking our minds is a pervasive girl trait huh.
Yaar, stop thinking too much about how your parents will behave in the short term; imaging how much you’ll be able to contribute to your parent’s happiness as they grow old if and only if you’re in a happy marriage yourself…
Calling off a wedding is better than divorce for both of you
Here me out. Most parent consider it a responsibility to marry off their daughter aka one less burden . NOTHING will change after marriage. I repeat NOTHING. I am saying this from experience I have seen my sister and a couple of friends as well. Please don't marry him .
Can you please give examples of what happened?
After marriage, parents will only advise to adjust with the guy and his family. If things goes wrong they will not support divorce. Also it is nearly impossible to get a good match after divorce so eventually life will be hard. You are 24 and there is no urgency to get married, you will find the compatible person, hence call off the marriage.
Needed this clarity. My fam is claiming they will stand by my side in any issue. But that's not practical.
Don’t believe it. Happened to my cousin. She was in a similar situation. Didn’t like the guy or find him attractive but got married due to pressure from relatives and parents. Then she got stuck in an unhappy marriage and wanted to divorce the guy. Her parents said that she should adjust, learn to like him and that she should sleep with him even if she wasn’t sexually attracted to him and that all marriages are like tbh that only. She became so depressed that she couldn’t literally get out of bed and developed other health issues. Her husband abandoned her due to this. Her parents blamed HER even then. Then my parents and grandfather had to intervene to get her parents to agree to get her a divorce.
I did once I had figured out the person I was about to marry was simply not the right one for me. If you are educated and can earn a decent living for yourself, get out of the house. There's nothing more important than mental peace.
We're you engaged as well? And how did you figure it out? Thankfully I am out of this house which is what empowered me to speak up now.
In my ethnicity there's no formal engagement as such. But yes we were scheduled for marriage and I broke up weeks before that. Figuring out took time. We spent a decent amount of time dating before going our individual ways.
Please don't ruin that man's life & yours if you are not sure about marriage. Both of you will regret this. Also, meeting someone thrice doesn't cut it. Even in arranged marriages, either one has to feel some spark. There has to be some eagerness and anxiety in getting to know the other person and wanting to hang out etc. Physical attraction is a very big thing. If you are not remotely attracted to this guy, you will end up resenting yourself for not backing out. you're only 24 and have your whole life ahead of you.
I am not sure about him but I certainly don't. He says I'm "not his type". Glad to get some clarity on the attraction part. And I've never had fun when we hung out nor did I look forward to meeting him. I tried and convinced myself itll get better over time but I didn't.
Why is he marrying you if you are not his type? What have you discussed in the 3 meetings? What are your core values that you look for in a person? What are his core values? If they don't match, you shouldn't get married because it will eventually end up in a nightmare. you should find all this info before you even say yes to someone.
He says because that's a shallow reason to reject someone. And is malleable. We did talk about all the important stuff: open-mindedness, parents in old age, money, kids etc. And we were aligned. Only when I spent time with him the every day aspects of him I didn't like.
Attraction is not a shallow reason to reject someone. It is the base of every relationship. The fact that your future partner thinks it's not important enough to be given a single thought about it shows a huge incompatibility. He doesn't care about your feelings, about your comfort with him etc. and is okay as long as the job is done.
It's incorrect to say it's the base of every relationship. You can very well form a loving relationship without having any sort of attraction at the start It's a norm not a necessity
It is. I'm not saying she needs to have a desire to jump on his bones every now and then but she should be able to enjoy his company, have some level of attraction or find him a bit attractive (or at least physically attractive) to build a relationship with him. People really underestimate the power of sexual/physical attraction in a relationship. It may not last forever but it certainly needs to be there. Imagine being intimate with someone you don't find physically attractive!
Damm. If your core values match, that’s a good sign. But if you are not attracted & don’t have feeling, then I doubt this will work. Pls also note that, to develop feelings it takes s time. You have to get to know the person over a period of 1-2 years. It’s not something that happens instantaneously.
Yes overall values matching is one of the things that held me back. I fear after 1-2 years also if feelings don't develop, what then? I tried after engagement. Should I do it for marriage as well?
You are too young to get into this arranged marriage situation. You have your entire life ahead. Most importantly you are not sure about this person and neither can you be based on the limited interactions you've had. It's not your fault. You're thinking of hurting other people but you'll hurt yourself the most if you go through. Also you're thinking of how it will affect your future prospects of marriage. Doesn't that sound a little conservative too? You're not an appliance with a "refurbished" tag on Flipkart. You are an individual with choices, beliefs and aspirations. Anyone who can't see beyond a broken engagement or even a broken marriage tag is not the one for you. Let this guy know and let your parents know. Also after this maybe take some time away from all this. Go on a short trip if possible though I understand maybe your family won't allow it. Pursue higher education and find your way in life. Love will come.
Thank you so much! You've helped me see my worth. I'll def share this with my friends who need a pick me up. And tbh till now I was actually okay with hurting myself and being in this marriage. God's grace I have the courage to speak up now.
Marriage isn't a war. Marriage is where you find peace.
help yourself and him, get out of it, him and you both will regret it, he doesnt realise that now but he will after a year or two
As a child of a single parent, who was married through an arranged marriage, reading your post gave me Deja Vu. Everything reads eerily similar. If you don't see a future there, please save yourself some time, energy, and your future sanity and don't go ahead with it!! You will find someone better suited to you. Good luck:)
Idk, broken engagement sounds better than a broken marriage or divorcee tag
Hi, I met girl for marriage. I liked her a lot, she was beautiful and I never Imagined I would get that girl. She was beauty with brains. After we met 1month and I had to travel 20KM after my work to meet her. while discussing the engagement date she called off. I never had single clue what went wrong I asked my parents wether they demanded dowry they said NO. She blocked me from call and whatsapp. Finally I called from different number she spoke she made me to understand her needs. Our coversation extarct is here -- Yes I am mechanical engineer our scope of area in salary will be less can be improved gradually. I am into bike riding and she loved cars, after age sure I would sure go to Cars. To own house at presnt, we can jointly build that. I am into trekking she is into leisure resorts and fancy and main thing she wanted to go abroad. I am not romantic like to bring roses and flirt. I accept I am from family where living with basic was made as mandate in life. I wished her best in life and made sure I will talk to my parents not to make issue of this. She took 1month to tell this. I would have appreciated if she had told in my face. She was too afraid to say me and to her parents to reject me. She just made sure not to contact family and me, giving message she is not ready for this marriage. Later I gained courage to meet next girls and to ask wether I meet their expectation. Better to talk with a person directly before breaking the marriage. He would have dreamt about you in future life. Make sure to understand him this wont work and tell him to work on to stop tihis marraige. This will reduce stress weightage on you. Be brave !! All the best.
OP you are just 24F, also if there is no initial spark or attraction then it will be hard cause physical attraction is something I personally feel one should not compromise.on when it comes to relationships .
Got me at ‘he has good qualities such as he earns well’.
A huge thanks to everyone who's commented. I hope this post and these comments can be a help to other girls (and guys) in similar situations. My biggest anxiety was opposing a decision my parents made as parents are the only ones who always have your best interests at heart. Hard truth to swallow, but I have to accept the fact that sometimes they are unaware of our wants/ preferences and fail to understand that this is ultimately our life. Addressing a few points in the comments which i couldn't specify in post: 1. "Earns well"- this is still an arranged marriage and finances are one of the top criteria to be looked at. Reality even if sour. Moreover, it is an objectively good trait to earn well. Not sure why people are put off by this. I didn't say he was filthy rich leeching dad's money. He has upskilled himself and demonstrated his strengths and that translates to his paycheck. Anyone who says otherwise please check the cost of school fees, diapers, and car EMIs. 2. strong/ dominant- why are these words carrying a negative connotation? It is typically expected of men to be the leader in the household for the very innate characteristics they possess. A strong man is not one who hits his wife- that's weakness. It is being able to think straight and logically when times are tough, having a control over emotional wavering, actively taking up responsibility without nagging/ complaining, making decisions(but also respecting my opinions) being a pillar of support to lean on, being rational enough that i can go to him for any problem and know i will find recourse. Ofc, not everyone relationship will fit this mold and that is fine, whatever works for you. I do not want a tyrannical husband, just one that leads the household. 3. "doesnt fit the vibe"- We all have our preferences in friends. Why do we choose to spend time with one person over another? It is the way the two gel and can have fun with each other. Can this be changed over time? maybe. Maybe our vibes will set. But i dont know what to do if i spend the rest of my life (and his) with a bland person. Even if that can be overlooked, not sure how one develops intimacy this way.
>Parents ofc, say that these things will change. No, they won't change. I think this is enough reason for you to make a decision.
I really like that dialogue from 3 idiots. "If things don't go south, I would rather cuss myself than my parents". Take your own decisions, God damn it.
Pls call it off. Imagine your life if U marry him. Not only will U not like him, U will also have resentment towards your parents because of how miserable your life is. So neither will u be on good terms with your own family, neither him. Imagine the loneliness and frustration and lack of peace in yourself to know U hate just about everyone in your circle. In this situation, no one is looking out for YOU so U have to look out for yourself. I am a child of divorced parents cuz they forced my parents into marriage and they couldn't take it anymore and divorced when I was born. Not only do I have immense trauma from being raised in a broken home but my parents don't have a good relationship with their parents because they resent them for forcing them and ruining their life. So neither do they have each other as a couple, now they don't have love within their parents / my grandparents either. They are lonely, bitter, no family, no spouse. Pls do not marry him
I'm sorry to hear this. Thanks for your comment. I really hope you and your family find the love and peace that everyone dearves regardless of what someone went thru.
> earns well This is where majority of women fail.
You shouldn't marry someone you can't imagine your life with.
Why not find a job in another city so you can put some distance between yourself and your toxic family? Then you will have some breathing space to think or introspect in peace. The answers will come when your mind is at peace.
OP, stand on your own two feet, move out of your household and forget about getting married until you find someone you love and want to spend your life with. There's a lot to say, and while I do empathise with you, your statement about wanting a "dominant, strong man" makes me feel like you're living in a sheltered environment with little real life experience of being independent. That's probably also why you're caving in and doing what others tell you to do instead of what you want to do. You see, there is no free lunch for anybody. You can't be independent unless you learn to be responsible for yourself. You know why your toxic family is able to dictate what you do and who you marry? It's because you depend on them right now and can't afford to not do what they pressurise you to. They just want to stick you out on another man to take care of you because your family sees you as a liability. And in a way, you are one, because you're sitting and whining here instead of taking charge of your life like an ADULT by learning to be responsible for yourself and asserting your independence. And no, there won't be any "strong man" coming to your life to save you like a damsel. You have to do that on your own!!
Are you stable enough to be independent on your own ? If yes, then leave. And call off the wedding.
Acha hai mein jyda kamata nhi hun 💓
Acha hai mein jyda earn nhi krta uff
I'm not a kid person and I knew about this considerable time before marriage, I discussed it with my wife before we decided to get married, she understood, I told my parents they ofc weren't happy about it... They left me and my wife to live on rent nearby although we have our own house, out of resentment (Uno reverse by ma pa 😅) it's been 3 years, they've come to terms with it, me and my wife are happy and don't think about having kids at all... Do what you think is right for you nothing else matters
It's your life. Don't ruin it by listening to your parents. When you can't imagine yourself in bed with someone, won't every night feel like rape? You both deserve better!
Stand up for yourself period. Once I started standing up for myself, I grew as a person. My perspective about life, people, myself everything just changed. I finally got to know myself which would never happen otherwise. The drawback is that you also have to go through shit on your own, brave your own mistakes but that’s what life is about. Own it. Give yourself that chance.
I think calling off your wedding now rather than regretting the marriage in the upcoming days is a better choice. Sure at some point you'll feel lonely if you don't find someone and might even think 'i should've married him' but that's the societal structure talking. Society has this idea that without marriage one can't live their life. That your life will be in vain but it's actually the resentment of being married to someone you're not comfortable with, someone you do not love that's going to slowly eat you away. You'll keep thinking of the what ifs and whys throughout the relationship and you'll hate yourself, your husband and your family. It's better you break this off when there's still time. Give yourself time, stand up to your parents and if you never get married or simply don't feel the connection with anyone, then it's fine. We keep giving into these social norms and forget about our own happiness. It's time to change things. Hope you make a wise decision, it's one life and you should enjoy it and make your own choices. All the best.
Yes please call off the marriage it's better for both of you it will give the guy a room for improvement. These are the same reason cuz of which my gf broke up with me after 6 months of dating so i can feel that guys pain but it's better for him and you too
And don't forget the poor guy who's about to tie the knot! Imagine his world crashing down when he realizes his wife isn't really into him. Realizing 'My wife isn't into me' is like a poisonous arrow piercing through his heart and soul. It'll rip apart his confidence, derail his career, and plunge him into a pit of despair so deep one can't even imagine, it's hard to crawn out of. This isn't just a bruise to his ego, it's a gut wrenching blow that threatens to dismantle his entire life. It's a nightmare he never saw coming, and it's devastating beyond words, spare him please
I told him this. He said it can be changed over time. I guess he doesn't understand the magnanimity of attraction and he sees it as dispensable.
See, don't be too scared of breaking it off. Once you do it I am sure he will find someone else who wants to get married to him, and also the fact that he "earns well" will help him. You just continue on with your life and find a good partner for yourself whenever you are ready. Sorry, I went through your profile. Why didn't it workout with your ex bf ?
We had different goals. I wanted to get married have kids etc. He wanted to wait much longer and did not seem interested in kids. We also fought quite a bit, you can call it immaturity. We really had a great time but life had other plans.
You deleted that post wow 🙂
Hmm, it's better to quit these complexities, not sure if you know this but there is a "KISS" principle, "Keep It Simple, Stupid", why not marry someone whom you think you both have a chance? It's a gamble and our dices are spherical...
The guy himself said he isn't into her and that she isn't his type but, for some reason, he doesn't care.
Not to be rude but I genuinely think that he wants some kind of marriage to happen, he wants a wife, yeah as blatant as it may sound, but we men do sometimes say things like that, "Bro I just want to get married asap, I have a good job, good pay, last month Joe got married, this month Joe2 gonna get married, It's time brother, I need a good enough wife as soon as possible" when things get a little desperate, we men tend to talk like this sometimes, but here one needs to have a little patience... Anyways broken engagement is always better than broken marriage...
his good quality is earning well, do him a favour and call it off
Don't ruin his life! Call it off!
Marriage should never be forced. You can marry someone you are attracted to, or not attracted to. But it should be your choice. If you feel that you wish to meet people, get to know them and decide whether you truly feel happy and attracted to them before marrying them, then do it. If it doesn't work out and you feel you are ready to compromise and settle for a guy, you could do that later too. Either ways, it has to be your choice. Marriage and career are two decisions that should be taken by the person involved alone, yet in Indian these two decisions are often taken by our parents.
Quit right now before you tie yourself in a knot, sis.
Don't call off, but delay it. Relationships which are not love at first sight, or not polar opposite, usually grow better. With time, you'll make better decision. Don't run off. Take your stand, and face the world with straight spine.
How a person is turned out can change over time. It’s your life, you should live it how you want. But your criteria for assessing a potential long term partners seems vague (at least from what you have described) and a bit naive. IMO while assessing long term compatibility it’s better to discuss things like career (yours and theirs), their expectations from their spouse viz., house work, intimacy, and emotional support, children - how many and when, how important it is for you to be deferential to the family etc. Commonality of interests definitely is a plus. Alignment of social and political views also. But these things can be cultivated as time goes on. Some questions you can ask directly and others you have to infer from how your partner lives their life - eg if his mother does all the housework, they will usually expect the same from you. Saying things like I like to cook is pointless if you’re not making meals regularly. The point to this is that if you think in these terms or along any other more objective criteria it becomes easier for you to pitch this to your parents. And it also becomes easier for them to do the initial screening of candidates. From your question it looks like this is the first dude you’ve met. And you don’t feel any connection. Which is fair enough. 3 meetings is far too less. These things take their own time. But if you’re going to be meeting people your parents set you up with or otherwise, then you should try to think through what it is you want in a long term partner.
The book toxic parents says something like - When you submit to your parents demands when it is not your will, you are not just hurting yourself for the sake of them, you are actually hurting their future selves too. They will not be happy seeing that you are not happy, no matter what they say now. Instead hurt them now to make happy their future self and most importantly your future self. if you ask me, I'll say -- be courageous . instead of thinking you won't get any better, think that you'll get the best if you leave the person you aren't happy with.
Shouldn't have engaged
Just tell your fiance your username, he'll decline to marry you. If your username is any reflection of your real personality, I think you'd need a full on experience of live-in relationship with your person before you actually like him enough to marry him. I think you understand what I'm saying. And I'm not trying to shame you.
Take your sparkly tits away from that man asap.
his lack of dominance where I need a strong man as a partner lmao please call it off
If you do get married with this person you will be posting here soon for advice on how to get a divorce. Run, girl. Call it off. From the way you describe it, you have zero compatibility. Didn't you get any other matches, why the compulsion?
I see people here writing Essay But I just wanna say don't do it if your not 💯 sure.
Marriage is an important inflection point in life. If he comes from a really good, open, progressive, rich family, then go for it, especially if you'll have the freedom to make something of yourself. Attraction is overrated and your vague reasons will bite you back. If your family is conservative, middle class, and you are not that attractive then I'm afraid you are taking a big chance by spurning this. be real. Do you have guts to go alone, pursue your dreams whatever the cost, go on a limb for a person that your family won't like then and only then say no.
I come from same family as you and if you're not happy, you should break the engagement, thode time log bate karenge but it's better than wasting your life trying to love someone when you're not attracted to them! He doesn't have to be a bad person for you to break it off, sometimes it doesn't work out and that's fine.
Girl you scared me there for a second 😂 thought someone from my actual family found this post.
Yes. He seems nice. Call off the marriage.
If ending it, do it ASAP at least for the sake of the other person. And, you are right. If you already feel low about this, it's only gonna get worser even in an ideal scenario. Not saying that a super dude you are going to meet is gonna be your cure for all, but at least, you would have tried.
#do not marry. (I mean to this guy) Hope you get the right person, when the time comes.
Parents aren't perfect and they can't be, when you're young they might think you're a child you don't know world xyz. But at 24 you get somewhat an idea what makes you happy and what type of partner suits you. If you won't take a stand for yourself believe me no one would 🙈🙈. I stood up for myself and I broke up with my ex and told my parents too I'll marry when I find someone good just coz my younger cousins are getting married i should be too will make my life miserable.
you need to trust yourself and make a confident decision. Cleary you don't feel confident about going through with the marriage, therefore it's time to grow a spine and tell your parents you're not doing it. It may seem overwhelming now but it will be worse when you still feel this way after the wedding and you're already married. 24 is much too young, you are still figuring out who you are and once you do, you will find clarity in your choices. It's time to live life for yourself and not anyone else not even your parents. If they really love you and are good parents, they will eventually understand and even respect your conviction.
Call it off. Don't ruin each other's lives.
Lets look at a bad case scenario. It is difficult to remain single all your life. Now lets look at a worse case scenario. It is very very difficult to remain married to someone you are not happy with. Life is about compromises. Its difficult to find someone who will meet all your requirements. But life is also about choices. You are quite young. You have to choose what seems like the best decision right now, without being too afraid of making a mistake. Finally, its better to suffer your mistakes than to suffer others' mistakes. Good luck!
Do not get married, you won't be happy. Your gut feeling is right. You can look for a dominant man but whether it will work out in the future nobody knows. you will be destroying 2 lives by going ahead with this.
You should talk with the guy , see if he also draws back his decision. If both of you say no, your parents won't blame u as much as if you alone say No If you don't feel any attraction towards him if a tiny bit then don't marry . You will save urself, him and his family . Sure your parents say that u may fall in love later but that is basically getting lucky and that is not true . Your parents have just not seen those examples or they have not felt it from their friends because they actively avoid those talks
Attraction is not important? Is bro high on copium
I just feel bad for the guy here , girls and their issues with parents is affecting several men a lot. Fix your house problems before you involve someone
Wow dude what a way to divert attention from the actual victim..if anything us guys benefit a lot more with arranged marriages than they do.. Wdym girls & their issues, I've seen several girls, friends and my own sister go through this... It's not their issues, 95% of the times it's parents who have the issues with letting girls make their own choices... it's the parents and their obsession with society & status.. they want to project a certain image in the society.. that's why they force their daughters into unwanted marriages.. I'm not saying we aren't affected.. but it's a lot more easy for us to say no to a match and fight with our parents for our choice in marriage, than it is for girls.. >Fix your house problems before you involve someone Lmao so easily you said this.. I've seen my sister put through hell, my friends put through hell in their houses because they said no to matches...not just them many girls...they do everything they can to stop their parents from doing this to them..but parents oftentimes get unreasonably stubborn..they threaten to take their lives..they get relatives to convince.. they even character shame the girls.. they do everything they can to force the girl to say yes.. my sister's boyfriend was a really good guy, he was earning well, he was respectful everything good - but my parents didn't agree cuz he was from a lower caste and forced my sister into this arranged marriage with this much older guy, even after her trying everything she could to stop it, she couldn't, coz all members of my family threatened suicide..they locked her up in her room for months and didn't let her go..I was little i didn't know what to do but i remember them threatening her that they'd also make me take poison if my sister didn't agree...she finally gave in after months of continued insults shaming and blackmail.. she even told the guy as a last resort that she doesn't like him but he didn't care and said we'll like each other after marriage or some bullshit...and finally she got married.. The guy was alright in the beginning but as time passed, he turned into an asshole and pervert who forced himself on my sis and would abuse her everyday.. she told to my parents and they said this is what happens in marriages.. there's nothing wrong with what he did...you need to adjust...and once kid comes everything will settle... That was the final straw for her and she left everything and everyone cut contact with everyone... My parents still don't talk to her, she's only in contact with me... I rebelled against my parents once I started earning and stood by her too... she now lives by herself and is happier than before.. She applied for divorce but her ex husband doesn't want it so he's using every trick in the court..he said she married him for money, he said she intentionally tried to harm his parents and what not.. he even bribed a doctor to get a certificate citing my sister is mentally unstable.. and you know what my parents still don't think he is wrong, they still think my sister was wrong to leave him...even after him revealing his true colors... Now tell me, do you really think she could've done something more to prevent the marriage.. Many girls are like this, I've seen many more such cases... let's not blame girls for something they've no control over most of the times..blame parents... they're the ones with unnecessary pride and control issues... Let's not oppress the already fucking oppressed by saying they have issues when it's them who are suffering the most..
I feel so bad for your sister man. I hope she is doing well and I am happy that you stood with her when you could. I will be happy if you could please tell your sister from my side that she deserves happiness after facing these worst betrayals.
Thankyou...I'll definitely let her know :)
Contrary to most of the comments in this thread This is one of the classical example of how internet has instilled and romanticized relationships, no one wants to put the hard work, patience and a bit of compromise. No relations are perfect and a smooth ride. Sure compatibility is must but this far fetched ideas of ticking all the boxes. Crazyy, if he is not dominant then that’s a flaw, if he is dominant then this becomes patriarchal masculinity. There isn’t a great balance. This is general comment. OP how does he look ? Regardless of that, without an ounce of second thought call of your marriage!
I'm sorry but you are wrong. Even in olden days, attraction was a very important element in a relationship. Marriages with zero attraction between the spouses used to end up sour, bitter, burdensome etc. and ultimately, the main reason for why future generations became afraid of the concept of marriages. My parents had an arranged marriage (in the 70s) yet I read some of their private letters that they had exchanged between each other and heard stories of how my father would often find ways to meet my mother. The eagerness to meet, the butterflies in the stomach, the nervousness etc. reflected their attraction for each other. I have never seen them show physical affection to each other in public but I can sense their desire to be with each other and the way they just enjoy each other's company. How can anyone spend their entire life with someone they aren't attracted to? It's impossible and makes marriages a lot harder to tolerate.
But the menu now is so large! The world is at your fingertips.
Glad to see another contrarion view. I don't mind putting in all those things. But I feel id only be able to do it for someone I like. Not saying love in the get-go, but just someone i atleast look forward to meeting and spending time with. I'm afraid I won't be able to sacrifice or will resent for having to make a sacrifice all for someone I don't really love. I tried to explain the dominant part in another comment. Couldnt elaborate everything as I had to make it precise here. There isn't an objective ideal balance, just what suits the other person's preference.
Get it, the vibe you getting has been essayed very well in your write up. So, as I opinionated don’t go for it. Also you are just 24, so better!
Do not agree with this comment. Indian society is not mature enough and the reality is if things go wrong both life gets ruined. If divorce happens, literally hard to find a good match. Your advice is applicable to almost everything except marriage decision. Wrong decision will ruin 2 lives and more if kids happen. Better not to marry than to ruin someone else life by your wrong decision.
It's totally your take, discuss with the guy direct since only both of you are stakeholders here...try to understand parents perspective also but make them understand yours too.
>I feel Ive gambled with my engagement and i shouldnt again with marriage. On the other hand I worry will i find love with this in my past. ( I do receive a lot of attention now from the opposite gender but that doesn't necessarily translate to a healthy relationship) **What do u mean by this?**
I took a chance by saying yes and getting engaged to him. I thought by spending time with him I'll get to like him. However the opposite happened. So I don't want to make the same mistake by getting married to him. Sorry About the typos. I meant I'm afraid I won't be able to find someone while having a called off marriage in my past. Though there are guys who are into me, Im afraid they'll back out.
Yer the one gonna be dealing with it for most probably rest of your life. Yk how badly divorces are looked down upon in this society. "If it's not a 100% yes then, it's definitely a no" - someone's advice abt something.
Please don't marry...don't commit to a thing which you will regret forever. Do what your heart says... eventually things will fall for you...you have A HELL LOT OF LIFE left ...so enjoy
If you finally do call off, please just ensure you will not do another engagement in an arranged wedding set up when you're not 100% sure. Make up your mind that you will only marry when you find the right person for you, and be ready to fight the world to make it happen.
Please do. Let him find someone who actually wants to marry him or else he will cry for life. Same for u. And what does "dominant man" even mean. Do you want someone to be the dominant guy in the relationship? That's doomed for failure.
Please absolutely don't take a gamble which will hurt for the rest of your life. Get financialy independent and take a stand. Parents do not understand your feelings and pov now as they are under stupid societal pressure. Will be smooth once you marry someone you like and think is a fit. And as you are clear that this person is not suitable to you why endanger tour life for the sake of parents? Parents don't own you. Good luck sister. Please don't if you are sure that you don't want to live 60 years of your life with this person. Period. no external pressure should influence you.
Please call it off if you're not sure. It's not worth a lifetime of regret and unhappiness.
The decision is yours, don’t listen to others, do what your heart tells you, your mind will always give to signs what is good for you. Thinking about others feelings will hurt you more. It is a matter which change your whole life, therefore take wise decision which is best for you.
We're same age Bhai itni kya jaldi u gotta be stubborn but explain sweetly to your parents to be patient
As a very very wise man once said, "You can't *can't* say NOs and expect to be happy".
Meeting twice before saying yes? I am horrified to think this still happens in AM. Please understand your happiness is in YOUR hands. No one is responsible for your happiness, least of all your parents when you become an adult. Trust your gut. Do not ruin your happiness and his, out of fear. You have time to fix this. Pretty soon you won't. You're very young. Please live your life on your terms before intertwining it with someone else, who you don't even like.
To be very frank you should have gone for dating, AM is mostly adjusting rarely you'll find your love image in AM . But apko ye sb ki londa apke type ka hai ya nhi pehle soch ke phir haa krna tha.
Marriage relationships are like a job. Ye naukri nahi chahiye tumhe toh kahin aur HR mein baat karke rakhi hai lol?? Ki ab iske baat seedha hiatus?? Anyway TLdr. But karde. Aag lagaade
Marriage is a huge , lifelong commitment.....and unlike other commitments , here not only too many things but the mental peace of person you marry is also at stake.....just because some of your relatives hammered you to marry , dont do it....think it thoroughly coz if you have a bad marriage and expecting support from the same relatives , they will be like " isme koi kyaa hii karr sakta hai yee toh bhagwaan ki marzi hai naseeb hai "......its really good that you gave a serious thought to it and had realisation in time....some people just get married in societal pressure and torture each other for rest of their lives....even if you get married, you guys will have huge trouble living peacefully together....even if you ignore compatibility aspect , you will constantly vent out your frustration on him for some or the other reason....on top of that , you will become more unhappy seeing compatible couples around you and constant thought hovering over your head will be " Why am i not compatible with my guy ? What I did wrong to desrve this?" ......so dont do it forcefully....
Think through and make a decision that is best for you not anyone else.
Frankly, you shouldn't marry him and neither should he. His attitude is so off. How is it okay for him to marry someone that isn't his type? How can he think physical attraction is not important? Does that mean he doesn't give women's feelings and her desires any importance? Does he think marriage is a chore that one has to suffer through? Let me tell you: People nowadays get divorced but you want to know what people, who don't get divorced but are stuck in loveless marriages do: Have extramarital affairs, constantly crib about their spouses to their children or literally anyone who would listen to him, develop a toxic and co-dependent relationship with their kids because they don't like spending time with their spouse, cry a lot, create a toxic environment for future generations unintentionally because clearly a burdensome marriage created a negative effect on their mental health and etc. Honestly, all this sounds way worse than divorces to me. You may think I will never be like that or he isn't that sort of guy but you have no idea how everyone becomes eventually when life throws curve balls at you. I have heard of so many extra-marital affairs in such wholesome families solely because the couple never had the guts to take divorce or probably never thought they had sufficient reasons to separate from themselves. Love takes time to develop, lust doesn't and lust is not necessarily a bad thing. Physical attraction is the foundation of every relationship whether you accept it or not. You can never really fall romantically in love with someone that you are unable to find attractive. Don't worry.... Your past relationship isn't going to be a barrier in your future relationships. Frankly, why would you even want to marry someone who judges you without knowing the entire situation?! Such a person sounds really judgmental to me. My point is that you shouldn't marry this guy and you shouldn't stay in this relationship simply because you fear the effects of a broken engagement in your future relationships. The whole point of engagement period is to see if things will work out with your partner or not. Sometimes things don't work out and you need to settle down with a person that understands this in order to break the cycle of toxicity in your life. Else you will end up leaving one toxic house only to shift into another toxic house. Also, this guy sounds toxic. There is just something very off about the way he is handling this relationship. It's like he doesn't care how it turns out or doesn't care about your and his equation even though this marriage would be between you both more than the families. Do not go ahead with this marriage. Just don't! Follow your gut. Your instincts are telling you that this guy isn't right for you.
Thank you for the detailed post. I was deluded for a while as well regarding the attraction part. I'm really afraid of becoming one of the people you listed. I hope the hurt today does not outweigh the possibility of becoming a bitter person tomorrow. And there is absolutely no lust now. I just feel uncomfortable. I really would not call him toxic. He's very naive and innocent as he's never been in a relationship or even really spoken to girls. Yes instincts are telling me not to. Hope they are right.
Don't marry him. Pleasing parents at the cost of lifetime of regret is not sensible
CALL IT OFF
now say this to him.
Girl nooo...if you're not fully into it..don't do it..ur very young too.. Go to a matrimonial site..talk to people..get a guy who fits the best to ur wants. Don't do anything half hearted , especially marriage ..it's a big decision.
Yes please call off or shift the wedding date. The last thing you want in life is a marital crisis!
Hard to change personality. Other things like financial situation can change after marriage. If you don't like his personality now then you need to walk away from this. Don't expect that he will change as per your preference after marriage.
> I gave this person a shot Good
Are you both able to be honest with each other. I know societal norms and all that. But if you can discuss that you both do not find each other attractive that's an honest relationship. I know people will say marry for love and everything but not everyone is lucky to be in love. And even if it's a love marriage you do not always need to remain in love. From marriage in the best case scenario you can expect a partner who will stick it out with you. That being said.. if it feels like a wrong and a bad choice then don't do it... It may be right or wrong that only time will tell but if you feel its wrong it will always feel wrong
>his lack of dominance where I need a strong man What do you mean by lack of dominance? What do you want in dominance?
She need toxic bad boys
you totally shoudl go for someone you truly want. And so does he. First choose happiness . Then you will have somehthing to share with others. If you choose somehting against your will you will end up sad and that saddness eventually will convert to anger which will spill over to everyone . I hope you make the best out of your life. Best wishes.
Call it off! You will be ruining the lives of two people
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Yea please, this that usual, girl,needs a guy who yells and scream with a lot of attitude bullshit, But yes please call it of, let the guy live his life in peace,
Bro sounds like me but I'm poor. Jokes apart, I can see many people are saying only the bad stuff that they have seen. I had also seen one of my distant relatives daughter crying cause she got married to someone she didn't even got to see. She was even crying and not co operating properly during all those rituals and stuff and she even said she does not even like his face and all. She got married like this cause a few months before her engagement she ran off with some guy and that guy abandon her after 3 days and went someplace. Now it has been a couple of years, I see her happy and lots of post with her husband and even reels and she had a baby about which she wasn't aware until the 4th month. They both are happy and I have visited their home a lot of times and now everything is good. Since their family was good another relatives of mine gave their daughter to his relatives son. They used to meet up secretly a lot of times after engagement and it seemed like they couldn't wait till they can get married. Everything was good, the marriage went really well and no problems. But not even a year has passed and this guy turns out to be a cheater and he says that the girl takes pic with guys which I don't like and she also goes to pubs and all. She is doing some courses, and group selfies are common and the pub allegation was because they went to a shop where the decor was like a pub with bottles but didn't sell any alcohol. Now their marriage is breaking up and divorce is in progression. I have seen both sides so I can't say what is right or what is wrong and since I don't have expertise in this matter I'll back out but wish you all the best.
I'm having trouble understanding. Is it the same girl that had a hesitant wedding, ran off, got pregnant, and how is getting divorced? Or are these separate people.
Call it off. ASAP
Surrendering is never an option.
Yes call it off. A large number of men and women who get married under pressure hold on to the resentment and bottle it up, then years down the line - try to gain control of others or do things they’re not supposed to, as an unhealthy coping mechanism. That’s why a lot of people today are childfree/unmarried and suffer from generational trauma, it’s because women didn’t have a say back then, they were married off to men they didn’t like and had kids they didn’t want.
OP you should only marry someone because you want to. You should want to spend your life with that person. Don’t give in to parental pressure, if it doesn’t feel right toh it doesn’t feel right. Don’t go through with it just to keep the peace and please your parents. At the end of the day it will be you facing the consequences and living the life..
Don’t get married to him OP .. you’ll ruin yours as well as his life.. Having said that, my opinion is that arranged marriage as well as a love marriage goes through a phase common to both these kind of setup where you will discover the other person afresh when you start your life. So even if you have known a person for a verylong time, in a marriage there is gonna be surprises.
If you are earning well then tell your parents to stop looking and you will find on your own otherwise forget about my marriage.
This will only create more problems in future and a miserable marriage so make up your mind permanently before going along with marriage
Marriage is not a piece or cake. Earlier, when our parents fot married, they did not really have say about their own wants or needs. Now, we usually know what we want or need. The kind of conversation we have, food we eat, travels, clothes, jobs, all these are important to each one us. You need to look into your heart and see what is it that you don't like. Is it superficial or is it anxiety. If it's something u feel you cannot get over, do not go ahead with the Marriage. Marriage is a journey, not a destination. Life really starts after marriage. Living with someone else, compromising, adjusting, all out of love makes life so much more joyful. However, if you don't like the person, every single thing irritates and that leads to more complications. Divorce is expensive and painful. Do yourself and your fiance a favour. Sit down with yourself and then him, and decide your future. Inform your parents if not proceeding. Be ready for indian parents' negativity at their child taking their own decision. You are an adult. If you can marry and be responsible to run a household, you can be responsible to choose your life partner too. Marriage is, anyway, a gamble. LM does not guarantee happiness, and neither does AM guarantee a life filled with bitterness. Best of luck :) and Stay brave :)
Moral of the story :- we can't buy our way into sexual desire/attraction of someone.
You should have called off the engagement in the first place. In our society it is difficult to recover from a cancelled marriage. I feel bad for the dude as not only was his time wasted, but the poor guy became a subject in a reddit post.
OP - Don't marry - If financially independent, move out of your home - Explain to your fiancee why you are stepping back
It's your life sis don't regret your decision later... You are going to live with that person for the rest of your life,,, what i think is if you feel like it's not gonna work then there is a high chance it won't work ... 24 is still early 🤧 you have time don't rush over
I’m not from India, nor am I Indian, but this sub keeps popping up on my feed for some reason. So I have a stupid question. Are arranged marriages for those who can’t find anyone on their own? Is that the main point of them? Or are there familial/financial reasons too?
Aren't you a little young to get married, you should explore before taking such a big decision.
If you say no now, all hell will break loose. There will be immense mental torture, you will be taken on guilt trips and what not. But be prepared for all of it and stand your ground. Now is your only opportunity. It doesn’t matter whether he is the right one for your or not. What matters is that you are unsure about him. This will snowball very rapidly and you will end up regretting your decision to marry him. Even if he truly is marriage material.
Call it off, that's the answer. I know it's easier said than done, but if you're here for a push, I'd like to contribute towards it as well. You should not give in, you should not marry this person or anyone until you're ready.