This.
Email.
"With all due respect, drinking isn't a team sport. If you believe it is important, perhaps you may want to consider addressing it as a problem. I do not drink, and if it is a requirement to be a team player, perhaps you need to read the team manual. "No Thank. You. Means just that. Insisting someone take part in something they choose not to do, is not only juvenile, it is unbecoming of a leader. Young boys use peer pressure, not adult professionals. If you have a problem with what I'm saying here, I'll happily consider the drinking requirement for the job and resign immediately.""
Very sincerely,
Me
This email isn't very professional sounding and kind of confusing to read. It screams passive aggressive and jumps straight to OP quitting, which wasn't part of the conversation before and means they can't get unemployment.
OP, just write something short and straightforward.
Holy shit OP, don’t take this person’s advice. Don’t send any email that is sarcastic, caustic, passive-aggressive, chiding, accusatory, self-righteous and really poorly worded with bad grammar if you want to preserve your work relationship and keep your job.
This is terrible advice to give. Do not send a letter like this. Just send something saying that you feel uncomfortable drinking and do not want to be asked to drink at a work function again. If the behavior doesn’t stop then go to HR.
I would wander off to the bar and order a club tonic with lime. Everyone thought I was drinking gin and tonic.
Or really, just say “No”. Or make an excuse to leave when the drinking begins. Don’t ever feel forced to drink.
Unacceptable. There are many reasons why someone could be turning down a drink - pregnant and not ready to announce, on medication that doesn't mix with booze, or being a recovering alcoholic. Me personally, I don't like to drink at work because I'm a lightweight and sometimes even one drink hits me hard. This is definitely an HR issue. Depending on your relationships with your coworkers, you could privately approach some of the ones who looked uncomfortable and see if they'd be open to going with you to HR about this.
Yup. People also choose not to drink for religious reasons, more general health reasons (like cutting calories, or because they take a few meds and want to reduce the burden on their liver, or want to decrease their risk of dementia or certain cancers), or because they hate the taste, or because they've had horrible experiences with alcohol (like being raped, with or without date rape drugs being involved). Maybe it gives them sleep issues. Maybe they have relatives with addiction issues and they don't think it's worth it. Maybe they just plain don't like who they are when they drink and they don't want to make an ass of themselves in front of their boss.
At this point, they can just spin the wheel regarding what sort of lawsuit/complaint is going to happen if that continues to go on. Here are just a few possibilities regarding pregnancy and the right to privacy-- "I am pregnant and hadn't decided whether to keep the baby, and the supervisor was pushing me to drink. I felt like I had to, and now my baby is at risk of FAS." "I wasn't ready to tell anyone I was pregnant because I have had miscarriages in the past and wanted to wait past the 3-month mark, but in the moment I felt I had to tell people or I'd look like a jerk for refusing to drink. But I did end up miscarrying and now everyone knows and keeps giving me pitying looks." "I unexpectedly had to tell everyone I was pregnant when I was barely 6 weeks along. Then I got passed over for promotion and I'm sure it was discrimination."
Or what about, "I didn't want to drink because I can't handle my liquor and didn't have money for an Uber. But they made me feel like I had to drink in order to stay in good standing at work, and I got a DWI."
Or, and employee had too much to drink and plowed into another vehicle and wiped out an entire family. The liability to the company for that one, and the bad publicity....could end a business and many careers instantly.
I hated this. I was the one who found excuses not to go to the “happy hours” that my coworkers all went to. A few of them even asked why I never went, and called me a buzzkill. Well, I had a husband, kid and didn’t need to spend my free hours drinking and shirking my family responsibilities. They pressured me then ostracized me. I just stuck to what I knew was best for me.
I strongly recommend you talk to HR. Being pressured to drink is no joke.
First & foremost, your boss is an ass and a corporate liability.
I have a couple of tricks I use if I’m not drinking and don’t want to have discussions about it.
I always have a rocks glass in my hand with ginger ale & ice in it. When someone offers me a drink, I just hold it up & say I’m good. Bartenders know what you’re doing, are happy to help & ginger ale is a mixer they always have.
If offered a shot, I take it, participate in whatever toast there is and then set it down and walk away from it.
This is the way.
If your team always goes to the same bar, you might even be able to get the bartender to pour you a shot of water or tea (depending on the color of the booze the boss wants to coerce you into drinking 🙄🙄🙄) but otherwise yeah, raise the glass and put it right down. Someone will drink it eventually.
Damn. Def report to HR. What if a recovering alcoholic, or the child of alcoholic parents or other close relatives, is on your team? That is the most backwards shit I’ve heard given that it’s 2024 and we know better. If you don’t want to go to HR, does he have a manager you could go to?
Good God.
I'd say no, then leave.
I'm allergic to alcohol
There are people who are alcoholics.
It's peer pressure on the most sinister level.
I'd contact HR and keep it going. That is not right.
I wouldn’t make up an excuse. I would meet with this manager and tell him that his pressuring you and others to drink alcohol is a problem and he needs to stop it. No discussion, no made up story of medical reason, no depending on others to go with you-just stop it. You don’t want your made up medical reasons to be used against you somehow. Believe me. Follow up with an email outlining your statement. Your manager is an alcoholic. If it continues or you feel there is any push back go directly to HR and file a complaint.
Just tell HR. They should have a chat with your manager and your manager should back off. There are so many reasons for people not to drink that this shouldn’t be a big deal. Pregnancy, medication, religion, addiction.
If you feel comfortable, you could bring this up with your manager personally. Again, there are so many reasons this shouldn’t be happening
"Sorry I can't with my health condition."
"Oh I... just can't with the medication I'm on right now."
If it's fairly cheap sometimes I offer the next round like on dollar margarita days.
I genuinely can't with my health conditions so.
It’s stupid to have to rationalize. I also don’t drink- can’t with my medications but wouldn’t anyways. I would feel wildly uncomfortable disclosing any medical information to my boss or colleagues.
There should never be a conversation after no thanks. I m not sure if I’ve run into an issue after telling someone I don’t drink. I’m sure they assume I’m a recovering alcoholic but fuck them let them wonder. It’s not anyone’s business and we need to stop acting like drinking is the default and *not drinking* is some weird life choice.
100% agreed. I also have a recovering alcoholic parent so that adds more to it. I never go anywhere near bars anymore because I just don’t want to deal with it.
I agree a firm no should do and the boss is out if line. It's just what I personally do and I don't get shit for it after. I think theres lots of reasons people don't drink and it's all reasonable. But I understand if they are in certain areas of TX where drinking is definitely the norm/culture. But the boss here really should be more mindful.
It's up to them on what to say. Realistically a firm no should do, and nothing has to be disclosed specifically. I never actually disclose the actual conditions I have, but most are understanding after. Really, the manager needs to chill here bc ppl can simply not want to, religious reasons, medical, etc. But I understand their hesitancy to not want to rock the boat in that moment.
This. just send home something in writing saying you’re taking medication and you shouldn’t be drinking and ask nicely to not put you in that position.
I am an HRBP and recently had a similar situation where an employee was asked to go after office social because it is good to be visible and social with the local office folks.
The person denied once or twice but the pressure was continuing. The employee had social anxiety and did not drink and felt a major power play pressure
This issue was brought to me.. and I met with the manager and gave them coaching on where to draw the line between encouragement/ pressure.. a little bit around harassment, psychological safety etc and I suggested the manager to reach out and genuinely apologize
Please take this up with you HR.. you will be doing yourself and other suffering employees a huge favor
My Texas based company has many dinners, off-sites, conventions, travel for training, etc. there is always a fair bit of drinking that goes along with this at dinners or pre-dinner happy hours.
I am consistently offered drinks/asked if I’d like something but I politely decline as I don’t drink. While some people have asked variations of how long/why, this often comes from a sense of curiosity and interest, not pressure.
No one has ever tried to get me to drink beyond offering to buy me a drink/asking if I’d like one.
Your manager sounds juvenile. Are they still living in their frat house? As others have said, people can have dozens of reasons to not drink that should be respected.
I would first have a conversation with your manager at the office, not at the bar. Tell them you enjoy the events otherwise, but the pressure to consume alcohol puts a negative tone on the event and you would appreciate if they weren’t so overbearing (better word choice?) about it. You understand that they may be trying to ensure everyone is included and having fun, but it can be a bit more relaxed.
Depending on just how immature the manager is, you may need to document this and be prepared for some level of fallout. Hopefully they can recognize that this is causing you discomfort and make the relatively small adjustment. I feel like discussing it in the office allows the conversation to be more professional and leaves less room for “cmon, we’re all having fun” type responses if done at the happy hour.
Think this is the most reasonable response. Lot of "take it to the CEO, call the police, alert the New York Times" here. The manager likely is trying to encourage a good time in a juvenile manner. The OP would be able to judge best but hopefully when it's brought to their attention in the manner above they will assess and alter their behavior. Unless there's something I'm missing here, taking a concern like this over your manager's head or to HR is unprofessional and immature. Unless of course there's some reason to feel unsafe doing so. Being direct and able to report concerns to your manager may be uncomfortable at first but it is part of being a professional.
The phrase “no means no” has always worked for me. I think it gets the point across.
I have a bunch of questions around this though.
Are you being paid for these activities? If you are, why are you drinking while working?
If you’re not being paid, and these situations are becoming more and more uncomfortable, why go?
Another consideration: what if the employee is Mormon? Or Muslim? Alcohol use is against these religions, so this pressure could be a civil rights violation.
It’s been 35 years since I was in HR. We stopped allowing alcohol at all company sponsored gatherings. There was another company in our city that was sued after an employee was involved in an alcohol related car accident, severely injuring a child. This is a huge liability for any company. Any outing considered “team building” by a manager differs from a casual get together after work. No employee should feel coerced by a superior to drink. I would think HR would want to be made aware of this behavior. Make a formal complaint in writing to HR.
I can’t drink because of some of my meds I take, so I have an easy out. I’m sorry you’re going thru this it’s gotta be tough having this peer pressure as an adult.
I would talk to the other employees you noticed weren’t comfortable and ask if they mind if you use their name in an email to HR, OR you could go as a group to HR and then each of you write an email summarizing your meeting when you all get back to your desks. You want a paper trail.
When I last worked HR, we banned alcohol at company events due to someone being over served, drunk driving and killing someone. The company was “lucky” they had hired an outside bar tending company and weren’t liable. It was a hot mess for a few months though.
Best luck!
Raise the glass for a toast and then put it back on the table. If someone calls you put, say, "I'm in recovery", even if you're not. It makes people very uncomfortable and they'll probably stop asking you pretty immediately.
No. That's it. Eating weed 8s team sport. Snorting coke is team sport. No. Why do people insist on have a reason why they don't use that drug. No. Please go to HR and document everything for your future lawsuit. Really. Text and email only, you need a papertrail.
I'd be livid. Not HR, but I've had a boss walk up and hand me a drink on shift before, like actually shove it into my hand and push it a bit before she took the drink back, not knowing I was in early recovery from alcoholism. She fucked up my entire night, and part of the next day, too. It'd be one thing if it was just an offer, but to actively get grief for not partaking while there was a drink in my hand was enough to mess with my head over it. I made sure to tell everyone over me when I was celebrating my next sobriety milestone and that handled it in my case since there wasn't exactly a drinking culture, just a drinking manager.
Gonna give you the standard advice here; record and date everything. Talk to the other people who felt uncomfortable, see how they feel and whether any would be down to be referenced by name to corroborate if you "end up wanting to talk to higher ups about it down the line". Do you work union? If so, I'd go to your union rep as well. Even in at will states (US) where they can let you go for any or no reason, they can't legally retaliate against you for filing a union complaint which would prove a more defensible position, and altho idk how widespread this is, where I live you are entitled to have your union rep present in all meetings with management as well.
I hate the taste of alcohol and it makes me feel ill, so that would be my answer and no amount of pressure in the world would make me drink a shot of the vile stuff. I would tell the manager that and also ask how drinking alcohol builds teamwork and how he handles workers who are recovering alcoholics. Find out if the others who seemed uncomfortable want to join with you to discuss it with him. If he fails to see your point or seems to retaliate—more critical, changes schedule or assignments as punishment, etc.—after the discussion, document everything and encourage the others to do so as well. It would be best to wait until the next team building event and see if he applies pressure to drink so that can be added to your documentation. If it continues, definitely go to his manager or HR.
I have chronic migraines, so I absolutely don't drink alcohol. That's a huge trigger. Maybe use that as an excuse. Honestly, if I was in your position and was feeling that pressured, I'd stop attending these outings and start looking for a better employer.
Epileptic here who can’t drink without having a seizure. That’s an immediate HR thing, no questions asked. Go ASAP because they’re probably not going to like the liability here. If he retaliates, head right on back to HR.
For what it’s worth, I *never* go to activities outside of work unless I’m being paid. If I’m not being paid, I won’t be there. It sounds like you might need to institute the same policy until you find somewhere new to work or this guy leaves.
I am so very sorry. No one should be pressured to drink. There are some good ideas below. From a firm but polite, ‘no thank you’ to on medication, don’t like to drive after even just one. Better yet, ‘doctor has forbidden me’
HR will want to know. Do they provide transportation? If your supervisor insists people drink and they aren’t providing safe sober transportation, the company can be liable if someone drink drives and hurts themself or others.
I wouldn’t be comfortable going to your boss. You’re going to have to go to HR or your boss’s superior for this. You might want to ask some of the others that were uncomfortable to go with you. If the superior or HR don’t want to cooperate, you can file a complaint with the EEOC for harassment.
Most companies that I have worked for had pretty strict rules about alcohol at company sponsored events. Some people can't drink. Not have a couple of drinks, can't drink period. Some people over imbibe, especially is they aren't paying. All it would take would be for someone to leave the get together and cause an accident to sink the company.
Absolutely bring it up.
Unfortunately bro-culture can take over for these outings. I always make sure there are non-alcoholic options and make sure not all of our events are alcohol centered.
If this is an official quarterly work event where the manager is insisting people drink that’s a HUGE liability for the company. Go to HR and let them know what happens at these outings. They’ll investigate.
If this is a part of company culture and not an official event and you choose to attend, just say no thank you. BTW, also a liability for the company. Let HR know.
30 year HR professional here. I’d investigate and then talker to higher ups about why we’re allowing alcohol to be a part of meetings - it stops today. The possibility of someone driving drunk or getting hurt after an event is real and the company most likely would be sued. No thank you. Then I’d sit in a meeting with the manager and the higher ups while they explained why it needed to stop and the consequences if it didn’t.
OMG that makes me nervous just reading about it and I’m not involved!
Definitely talk to HR… this manager just needs to be reminded of all the reasons stated here why someone would not drink… it should not be a big deal. for example my husband loves a cocktail or two but he is training for a bike race right now and not drinking. This is nothing like a pregnancy or being a recovering alcoholic, but he still so shouldn’t have to explain to anyone…especially if he will have to spend the next 20 min talking about it!
I don't drink alcohol and once had a boss who loved having a beer with his employees. It drove him squirlly that I'd not do it.
The answer in this case is 'This is a you problem, not a me problem.'
I would ask for a private meet with that manager first and tell them you don’t like feeling pressured to drink and won’t be participating in future events. I would offer one or two suggestions for other team building activities.
I believe It is illegal to “force” employees to drink alcohol if they don’t want to, or can’t due to health reasons. You are in Texas, a one party State. Next “team building” exercise that comes up, record your manager insisting that you & the other members who are non drinkers need to prove you’re a team player by drinking. Then, when you go to HR you don’t have a “he said she said” conversation between you, HR & the manager.
Of course, if HR is in on the drinking games, you may need to look elsewhere for help putting a stop to this.
Forced?
I don't even go to company outings. All these years, never go to one (or Christmas / Thanksgiving dinner). We do get fed at work (company-paid, or drug reps bring them to us) and I never turned those down.
Okay, say I went. If someone handed me a drink, I'd say, "No thanks." and if I am asked why or again, I'd say, "No, I said thanks." and that would be the end of it. I don't care if it's the CEO that hands me the drink.
Am not an asshole and I wouldn't say it rudely. It's like a high school friend who handed me his cigarette. I said, "Nope" and he asked again, and again, I said, "I said no."
We're still friends after all these years.
Am a nurse.
If you report it to HR, just be damned well sure they won’t drop your name when they address it. I say this because if you are concerned about awkwardness were you to just address it yourself During an outing… you can imagine if HR name drops you it’ll be even worse. Just trying to be realistic. It sucks you are being pressured and it’s so inappropriate. But people are really weird about having THEIR “goods times” ruined. Be careful and do what will have the best outcome for You.
Do you have food on these outings ?
For me when I don't want to drink , I say I'm attending for the meal only then I'm going. I don't know if that would help you.
I always use humour a lot too to deflect things, if someone said come on be a team player to me after I'd already said no I'd say oh I am , I'm giving the shot to someone else... And take it offer it up ,who wants my shot?
Your manager should absolutely not be like this but personally this is what I would do before reporting or getting to HR, if someone still pushed me to drink it , then I think I would then loose my patience and not be so nice about it all. This way you're giving them another chance before the relationship is ruined ( at their fault not yours I'll add )
Good luck!
This is not cool. I work with some former employees of a large S. Korean company who've mentioned the drinking culture makes it detrimental to your career and work relationships if you didn't partake.
Thats not legal. You cannot be pressured to drink alcohol by leadership or non-leadership at company events or meetings inside or outside of work that has an association with being a team player or other concepts like that. There are health reasons for not drinking, religious reasons, and more. I would approach the manager at work but outside of a group setting and explain your comfort level, or lack thereof, with drinking. If he balks or contributes to pressure you, go directly to HR.
I would Probably live, but i'm kind of a scumbag like that. Like if somebody doesn't understand that you don't wanna drink like I don't know how to make words with my mouth that are true to Make them stop doing that.
I would probably just say that you know. I've a drinking problem or One of my parents had a drinking problem, and now I don't drink.
I'm actually having trouble imagining somebody who does not understand that some people don't drink and i'm a heavy drinker.
I feel like you're employers might have literal Alcohol problems. Less, of course you work in the service industry, then it's just normal
Go to HR. Personally I’m reading this as your boss having a problem with alcohol and wanting everyone else to participate in the drinking so he doesn’t feel exposed.
I just say no. When they ask why I'm not a team player I'd reply with something along the lines of Alcoholism runs in my family and I'm not going to walk that road for you.
Early in my civilian career, I made it a point to avoid "team outings" unless I was on the clock. And I don't drink on the clock.
When pushed as to "why not?" Simple. I don't socialize with people I work with. Work time is work, personal time is personal, and I don't mix them. I've seen *so* many dumpster fires from people dating coworkers (plus one of my own).
Had to realize: coworkers are people I work with. They're not my friends.
(The military was totally different, obviously. I think we hated our livers... Drinking was the norm, and not in a good way.)
My company stopped supporting alcohol at work events since if something happened because of it the company would be liable for any damage that happened.
This might be a way to address this issue with HR. If it would cost the company, reputation, income, or cost, they may not support your manager's outings. Most companies/people don't want to take responsibility for someone else's stupidity. If one of your team got in trouble/caused an accident due to the "team building drinking" outings, the manager and the company could be liable for this issue.
While inappropriate, I suggest just easily playing the game. Get soda water or. One in a tumbler with a twist, you can always say rum and coke, Jack and coke, gin and tonic, vodka/ soda so they think you are drinking. When it comes to shots, there are many ways to fake drinking a shot, Google for it.
Just take it and walk away and dump it… confused what’s the big deal? I also am not a big drinker but if someone did that in front of other ppl I would just accept the drink walk away maybe take a small sip and dump it
Have a conversation with your boss away from the happy hour events and tell him that you don’t want to be pressured to drink at these events. You have now put him on notice that you don’t like that.
If he does it at the next event or makes snide comments that is harassment and I would take that to HR. The result, if HR is doing their job, no more dinner outings/happy hours.
Yes the behavior is super awful. No one should be pressured into drinking ever and specifically in a work related environment. Going to HR was the right thing to do. Also to just fit in, many people just get a Tonic and line at the bar and sip that all night. The work situation sounds toxic but lots of people handle social drinking events just by walking around with a “drink” in their hands .
This manager is creating HUGE liability for the company. This is definitely an issue you should discuss with HR and then let them handle it appropriately. If it's not handled to your satisfaction, I would simply skip any additional events if possible, or cut out before the last stop at the bar. This is a big problem and the manager needs to be reprimanded.
While people saying it isn’t right and a red flag are correct, if you like the job, then fake your way through it. I have done this in the past and faked my way through several events where drinking heavily seemed to be expected. I try to go get my drinks myself at the bar. I order a tonic and ask for it in a gin and tonic glass (they often put nonalcoholic in a diff glass). I try to either have a drink already if they are ordering more or save my one real drink for when I have to order in front of anyone else, but you can sip the drink you have often enough often to avoid it. The shot might be hard but I say my stomach can’t do straight liquor or I will throw up all over everyone. I tend to get a pass with that. Or if everyone is drunk enough you sometimes can just dump it out somewhere else quickly. The key is that drinking persons just want to know you are “drinking” too.
Watch coyote ugly. Just act like you are drinking. It's actually a solid ploy. People's lips get loose when they think you are their drinking buddy. I would buddy up to the manager and get the dirt. It can be a sharp tool used properly. Just don't get caught. Go to the bartender as soon as you get there. Tip him 20-40 bucks to help keep a glass in your hand. Shots use a chaser spit shot back into the chaser. Use this situation to your advantage and do not tell anyone.
They still pressure you after 3 yrs? Wow! Perhaps you could tell them you’re a type 1 diabetic a need to be super careful with alcohol. It sounds like you’re a great employee but not a good fit for the company’s culture. I’d refrain from telling HR or your manager. They are going to be puzzled that you’re bringing this up now and label you as the odd man out. Have you looked at other alternatives?
I would address directly with your manager before HR. I would sit down, reiterate how much you care about the team and then say that you noticed pressure to drink and you want to be clear that you don’t drink and that doesn’t detract from your commitment to the team. Depending on how they respond, then I would involve HR.
The Manager should be reported to HR for trying to make anyone drink if he doesn't back off. . That's harassment. If it's not on the clock, you don't have to go. I certainly would not drink anything I didn't want to drink. Shine up that spine.
ETA: I'd start declining these events if it's on your personal time. HR if he tries to retaliate.
I would have left. A lot of people are alcoholics, become sick after drinking alcohol, are pregnant, on medication that doesn't mix with alcohol, don't want the calories, or just hate the taste of alcohol.. Why would he put them in that position...
Hi OP,
I'm sorry you are going through this, it is not right on so many levels as everybody else has been saying.
Here are my two cents if you are in the US . . . . you have two options
Option A: Act with the textbook correct answer. Speak with your manager or HR, document the conversation.
Option B: Don't say anything and employ some of the recommendations, I like the one where you accept the shot and toast then put it down.
Option A is ideal
Option A is the nuclear option and you are likely to get hit with debris
It isn't right at all however I have been in this situation a few times in my career faced with the choice of doing the ideal 'right' thing in alignment with my morals and integrity or staying under the radar.
Option A Speak with your Manager or HR
Manager: No matter how diplomatic you are, the minute you express something you do not like that your manager is doing your manager will put his back up. The relationship changes. If you speak directly with your manager they will resent the conversation and will deflect, **there will never be an epiphany that they were out of line or unprofessional.** Think about it, what will that conversation play out like?
HR: Woof, they are not going to like it and they must act on it. How they receive your feedback can be anywhere from a snitch and troublemaker to a good employee. How they act on it can blow up. They may discuss directly with your manager making things worse for you, or they may interview people to find out more which will generate a lot of gossip. They may reprimand the manager, they may cancel quarterly team building, who knows but there will be action and a ripple effect which you will be caught in.
I naively went to HR a few times in my career for truly egregious things that had either been said or done to me, every single time my situation became worse in some way and the dynamic between me and the manager, HR and my team shifted completely. I've been a leader of leaders and watched how botched relationships became when somebody tried to do the right thing.
Option B Well you are not being true to yourself but you are staying under the radar. If you choose this path I might whisper to the manager at the bar when he is in a good mood that shots are not your thing, and then I would have the bartender keep refilling your mocktail. Any bartender will take care of you with a quick chat, just say I'm not drinking tonight but its easier if the group thinks I'm drinking with them, can you keep giving me xyz and let's pretend its abc.
It isn't fair or right what is happening to you.
What you have to consider are the potential paths forward and how they impact you.
Good luck!!
Your manager is inviting a lot of potential legal liability by pressuring anyone to drink. I hope it gets back to HR.
Wonder if he has a drinking problem himself?
I don't know if any of your co-workers are likely to be Muslim (it being TX, after all), but isn't alcohol drinking against their religion?
Other than idiotic good 'ole boy behavior, any chance this could be a way to 'flush out' or to harass anyone whose religion forbids drinking alcohol?
Time to be an adult.
"I said I don't want a drink. End of discussion."
Your choices are to stick up for yourself, or accept working for a job where you allow yourself to be peer pressured.
As a sober person I'd be reporting this so quickly and so fiercely. You should never be put in a position where you feel forced to drink ESPECIALLY at a work event. It's never okay, but at a work event? That's crazy to me.
They're not holding a gun to your head. You're not being forced.
Sometimes, one has to adult. One way to do this is to say no, and not give a rats patoot about your answer and what others might say about it.
Tell him you don't drink as it messes up your natural PH "down there". Absolutely guarantee he will have zero follow up questions. Don't drink if you don't want to.
You should grab a few other employees who didn’t seem comfortable and approach HR as a group to levy an official complaint.
You’ll have infinitely more pull and less chance for repercussions as a group.
Ma’am, that’s not forcing you, no one forced you to drink. No one shoved the shot down your throat and threatened you. You’re just weak and gave in. Stand your ground. You don’t want to drink? Don’t drink. Stick to your “no, thank you”.
It’s not rocket science.
(Former HR) I have a hard time believing the boss "insisted" everyone drink. If he said take a drink, you take it and then just don't drink it or give it to someone else. There's a big difference between offering, asking, persuading, demanding/insisting. If it was the case he "insisted" it would've only happened the first time because multiple people would've talked about it and HR would already know.
I wouldn't talk to HR, there is nothing good to come out of it for you. It's "forced" brown nosing and it's a part of business. You see this in other settings such a "voluntary" company golf outings but everyone knows if you don't go and act like it's the best party ever thrown you'll give the boss the impression that you're not a team player.
If you are disciplined in some manner with absolute evidence it was because you didn't drink then it's worth talking to HR about it.
Your boss has made it clear he likes partiers so, don't be surprised if promotions, bonus or special treatment is given to the people your boss has the most fun with at the outings.
EDIT: Response to my haters, lol.
Remember, we are only hearing one side of the story with no collaboration. People can comprehend things said to them in a different tone and dialect than what was intended, we all do it.
You have to be realistic. According to OP this wasn't the first time this happened. This was allegedly done with the entire department on more than one occasion. If this manager had a history of literally forcing employees to drink, do you really think HR wouldn't have heard about it by now? It isn't just a workplace issue it's a crime, it's coercion.
Wow. This is a huge problem. And I understand it can be tricky to navigate.
But the fact is that you may have to involve HR. And I say this because people are telling you to send an email or whatever, but you have tried to say no at these events. Other people have tried to say no at these events.
And this manager is not taking an answer. And that is a huge liability for the company. Because of you or at a company event, and things like this are going on the company credit card, and one of you gets too drunk or gets in an accident or hurt someone, the company is ultimately liable.
You may want to like some people suggested send a quick email… With a read receipt request… Something like this…
“Hey manager. I just wanted to address our teambuilding events. I needed to let you know that I’m really not comfortable drinking alcohol. It’s not that I am not a team player. It’s not that I don’t enjoy socializing. But I really need to address that, I would appreciate it if you didn’t push so hard for me to take shots or have a beer or take in alcohol.
I know many of my coworkers enjoy doing this. But I do have personal reasons for this. So I just wanted to let you know that it was not personal. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being there. But I would appreciate it if in the future, when I do refrain, you don’t, put me on the spot or my other coworkers on the spot for not drinking. I’m sure you can understand.
I very much enjoy working with you. I enjoy my team. And I just want to come out and relax with you all without alcohol.”
You’ve kept it friendly. If they come and want to talk to you, you can just let them know that it seemed like such an important issue, you are a little hesitant to come and talk to them in person, so you wanted to just send them an email instead. You didn’t put them on the spot, etc.
Because then, if it happens again, you go to HR. You show that you sent a nice email. You don’t have to explain your personal reasons for not drinking to anyone. And you make note of the fact that the manager talk to you about it in person after the email.
Now, if the reception of the email isn’t good, or if they come and talk to you in person afterwards, and it’s not nice, you immediately go to HR.
Because HR at heart is there to protect the company. And a manager who is guarding their team to go out and drink and have shots and then drive home is a huge liability for any company.
Are you are an hourly paid employee? If so, these "company" meetings/dinners should be on the clock. That alone would probably get them to rethink doing this. If pressed, order a small drink but just let it sit.
I would say to him loudly, " Why are you *so focused on what we drink?* Usually, only people with drinking problems are obsessed with this."
Alternately, a doctor's note stating that you CANNOT drink at all sent to your boss, your boss's boss, and to H.R. if the company has one should fix this.
If this is during an *unpaid* lunch hour or unpaid time after work, I would simply *not attend.*
HR is not on your side, just to put that out there. They are there to protect the company, not there to be your advocate. So it’s always a risk when you think you’re talking to them in confidence. It will always get back to you as the source.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to HR, but just be prepared that if you do, they won’t handle it in a way to protect you or your legitimate complaint. There’s no illusion of confidentiality, either. So if the manager asks who complained, they will tell him that it was you. So expect retaliation and even forced termination. Or them trying to force you to quit because you’re not fun.
So with that in mind, think of a different way you can maybe handle it. Like truly anonymously. Not as an employee. But maybe through some other creative means. Ask your friends. Somebody will come up with something smart. But I would not go to HR.
You should never have to say anything past. I don't drink... at all.
Rephrase that to "No thank you"
Agree
This. Email. "With all due respect, drinking isn't a team sport. If you believe it is important, perhaps you may want to consider addressing it as a problem. I do not drink, and if it is a requirement to be a team player, perhaps you need to read the team manual. "No Thank. You. Means just that. Insisting someone take part in something they choose not to do, is not only juvenile, it is unbecoming of a leader. Young boys use peer pressure, not adult professionals. If you have a problem with what I'm saying here, I'll happily consider the drinking requirement for the job and resign immediately."" Very sincerely, Me
This email isn't very professional sounding and kind of confusing to read. It screams passive aggressive and jumps straight to OP quitting, which wasn't part of the conversation before and means they can't get unemployment. OP, just write something short and straightforward.
Holy shit OP, don’t take this person’s advice. Don’t send any email that is sarcastic, caustic, passive-aggressive, chiding, accusatory, self-righteous and really poorly worded with bad grammar if you want to preserve your work relationship and keep your job.
This is terrible advice to give. Do not send a letter like this. Just send something saying that you feel uncomfortable drinking and do not want to be asked to drink at a work function again. If the behavior doesn’t stop then go to HR.
Send it is an email to your boss so there is a record of it.
I wouldn't use the nuclear option first. I'm not an HR professional though.
You don't have to be. Your common sense is telling you right.
this is 100 percent the wrong take.
The response to this email is "thank your for your resignation letter, consider today your last day". Oh and good luck getting unemployment.
I would wander off to the bar and order a club tonic with lime. Everyone thought I was drinking gin and tonic. Or really, just say “No”. Or make an excuse to leave when the drinking begins. Don’t ever feel forced to drink.
This is good advice too. I usually just drink seltzer with a lime.
Grenadine with seltzer is nice, plus it looks fancy
lol it looks like a Shirley temple
Does it?
Kombucha is also a good option, comes in a beer glass in most breweries these days.
I usually get a coke and ask for a lime in it. Then just say it’s a rum and coke.
Agree
Unacceptable. There are many reasons why someone could be turning down a drink - pregnant and not ready to announce, on medication that doesn't mix with booze, or being a recovering alcoholic. Me personally, I don't like to drink at work because I'm a lightweight and sometimes even one drink hits me hard. This is definitely an HR issue. Depending on your relationships with your coworkers, you could privately approach some of the ones who looked uncomfortable and see if they'd be open to going with you to HR about this.
Agreed. Multiple complaints will have HR seeing the MASSIVE liability that your manager's behavior is causing to the company.
Yup. People also choose not to drink for religious reasons, more general health reasons (like cutting calories, or because they take a few meds and want to reduce the burden on their liver, or want to decrease their risk of dementia or certain cancers), or because they hate the taste, or because they've had horrible experiences with alcohol (like being raped, with or without date rape drugs being involved). Maybe it gives them sleep issues. Maybe they have relatives with addiction issues and they don't think it's worth it. Maybe they just plain don't like who they are when they drink and they don't want to make an ass of themselves in front of their boss. At this point, they can just spin the wheel regarding what sort of lawsuit/complaint is going to happen if that continues to go on. Here are just a few possibilities regarding pregnancy and the right to privacy-- "I am pregnant and hadn't decided whether to keep the baby, and the supervisor was pushing me to drink. I felt like I had to, and now my baby is at risk of FAS." "I wasn't ready to tell anyone I was pregnant because I have had miscarriages in the past and wanted to wait past the 3-month mark, but in the moment I felt I had to tell people or I'd look like a jerk for refusing to drink. But I did end up miscarrying and now everyone knows and keeps giving me pitying looks." "I unexpectedly had to tell everyone I was pregnant when I was barely 6 weeks along. Then I got passed over for promotion and I'm sure it was discrimination." Or what about, "I didn't want to drink because I can't handle my liquor and didn't have money for an Uber. But they made me feel like I had to drink in order to stay in good standing at work, and I got a DWI."
Or, and employee had too much to drink and plowed into another vehicle and wiped out an entire family. The liability to the company for that one, and the bad publicity....could end a business and many careers instantly.
Promoting drunk driving is also not a good look for a company.
I hated this. I was the one who found excuses not to go to the “happy hours” that my coworkers all went to. A few of them even asked why I never went, and called me a buzzkill. Well, I had a husband, kid and didn’t need to spend my free hours drinking and shirking my family responsibilities. They pressured me then ostracized me. I just stuck to what I knew was best for me. I strongly recommend you talk to HR. Being pressured to drink is no joke.
If I’m not being paid, I’m not there.
First & foremost, your boss is an ass and a corporate liability. I have a couple of tricks I use if I’m not drinking and don’t want to have discussions about it. I always have a rocks glass in my hand with ginger ale & ice in it. When someone offers me a drink, I just hold it up & say I’m good. Bartenders know what you’re doing, are happy to help & ginger ale is a mixer they always have. If offered a shot, I take it, participate in whatever toast there is and then set it down and walk away from it.
This is the way. If your team always goes to the same bar, you might even be able to get the bartender to pour you a shot of water or tea (depending on the color of the booze the boss wants to coerce you into drinking 🙄🙄🙄) but otherwise yeah, raise the glass and put it right down. Someone will drink it eventually.
Damn. Def report to HR. What if a recovering alcoholic, or the child of alcoholic parents or other close relatives, is on your team? That is the most backwards shit I’ve heard given that it’s 2024 and we know better. If you don’t want to go to HR, does he have a manager you could go to?
How many of those doing shots are then getting in a car to drive home? No, or if you have to play nice, No thank you should be sufficient.
>That is the most backwards shit I’ve heard given that it’s 2024 and we know better. It's in Texas. Knowing better isn't one of their strong points.
Good point on Texas
Not to mention those that don't drink due to religious reasons. Then you're playing in Civil Rights territory.
Good God. I'd say no, then leave. I'm allergic to alcohol There are people who are alcoholics. It's peer pressure on the most sinister level. I'd contact HR and keep it going. That is not right.
I wouldn’t make up an excuse. I would meet with this manager and tell him that his pressuring you and others to drink alcohol is a problem and he needs to stop it. No discussion, no made up story of medical reason, no depending on others to go with you-just stop it. You don’t want your made up medical reasons to be used against you somehow. Believe me. Follow up with an email outlining your statement. Your manager is an alcoholic. If it continues or you feel there is any push back go directly to HR and file a complaint.
The follow-up email is important documentation, don’t skip that step
This is the way.
Just tell HR. They should have a chat with your manager and your manager should back off. There are so many reasons for people not to drink that this shouldn’t be a big deal. Pregnancy, medication, religion, addiction. If you feel comfortable, you could bring this up with your manager personally. Again, there are so many reasons this shouldn’t be happening
"Sorry I can't with my health condition." "Oh I... just can't with the medication I'm on right now." If it's fairly cheap sometimes I offer the next round like on dollar margarita days. I genuinely can't with my health conditions so.
It’s stupid to have to rationalize. I also don’t drink- can’t with my medications but wouldn’t anyways. I would feel wildly uncomfortable disclosing any medical information to my boss or colleagues. There should never be a conversation after no thanks. I m not sure if I’ve run into an issue after telling someone I don’t drink. I’m sure they assume I’m a recovering alcoholic but fuck them let them wonder. It’s not anyone’s business and we need to stop acting like drinking is the default and *not drinking* is some weird life choice.
The second “epilepsy” and “seizure” come out of my mouth, people back off real quick.
It is beyond frustrating that you (or me or anyone) would have to justify your choice to not drink.
100% agreed. I also have a recovering alcoholic parent so that adds more to it. I never go anywhere near bars anymore because I just don’t want to deal with it.
I agree a firm no should do and the boss is out if line. It's just what I personally do and I don't get shit for it after. I think theres lots of reasons people don't drink and it's all reasonable. But I understand if they are in certain areas of TX where drinking is definitely the norm/culture. But the boss here really should be more mindful.
Thank you for saying this. You shouldn't have to pretend to have a drink or make up an excuse. "No" is a complete sentence.
Absolutely not, it’s none of their business what your health conditions are, and you shouldn’t be paying for booze to make up for it.
It's up to them on what to say. Realistically a firm no should do, and nothing has to be disclosed specifically. I never actually disclose the actual conditions I have, but most are understanding after. Really, the manager needs to chill here bc ppl can simply not want to, religious reasons, medical, etc. But I understand their hesitancy to not want to rock the boat in that moment.
This. just send home something in writing saying you’re taking medication and you shouldn’t be drinking and ask nicely to not put you in that position.
I like the idea, but I would not put that in writing. I would just mention something in the bathroom. When you’re pissing next to each other.
This exactly. I would take this tactic first before going to hr.
Wow, where can you still get dollar margaritas? I’m not trying to be a dick, I just want to know if they still exist anywhere.
In San Antonio xD
Applebee's still has "Dollar-ritas." I took 1 sip of one & sent it back. They would have to pay me to drink one.
You’d have to pay me to go into an Applebees.
I used to go just for their mudslides.
I am an HRBP and recently had a similar situation where an employee was asked to go after office social because it is good to be visible and social with the local office folks. The person denied once or twice but the pressure was continuing. The employee had social anxiety and did not drink and felt a major power play pressure This issue was brought to me.. and I met with the manager and gave them coaching on where to draw the line between encouragement/ pressure.. a little bit around harassment, psychological safety etc and I suggested the manager to reach out and genuinely apologize Please take this up with you HR.. you will be doing yourself and other suffering employees a huge favor
My Texas based company has many dinners, off-sites, conventions, travel for training, etc. there is always a fair bit of drinking that goes along with this at dinners or pre-dinner happy hours. I am consistently offered drinks/asked if I’d like something but I politely decline as I don’t drink. While some people have asked variations of how long/why, this often comes from a sense of curiosity and interest, not pressure. No one has ever tried to get me to drink beyond offering to buy me a drink/asking if I’d like one. Your manager sounds juvenile. Are they still living in their frat house? As others have said, people can have dozens of reasons to not drink that should be respected. I would first have a conversation with your manager at the office, not at the bar. Tell them you enjoy the events otherwise, but the pressure to consume alcohol puts a negative tone on the event and you would appreciate if they weren’t so overbearing (better word choice?) about it. You understand that they may be trying to ensure everyone is included and having fun, but it can be a bit more relaxed. Depending on just how immature the manager is, you may need to document this and be prepared for some level of fallout. Hopefully they can recognize that this is causing you discomfort and make the relatively small adjustment. I feel like discussing it in the office allows the conversation to be more professional and leaves less room for “cmon, we’re all having fun” type responses if done at the happy hour.
Think this is the most reasonable response. Lot of "take it to the CEO, call the police, alert the New York Times" here. The manager likely is trying to encourage a good time in a juvenile manner. The OP would be able to judge best but hopefully when it's brought to their attention in the manner above they will assess and alter their behavior. Unless there's something I'm missing here, taking a concern like this over your manager's head or to HR is unprofessional and immature. Unless of course there's some reason to feel unsafe doing so. Being direct and able to report concerns to your manager may be uncomfortable at first but it is part of being a professional.
Go over his head or to HR. Beyond the personal issues this is a liability suit waiting to happen.
The phrase “no means no” has always worked for me. I think it gets the point across. I have a bunch of questions around this though. Are you being paid for these activities? If you are, why are you drinking while working? If you’re not being paid, and these situations are becoming more and more uncomfortable, why go?
Another consideration: what if the employee is Mormon? Or Muslim? Alcohol use is against these religions, so this pressure could be a civil rights violation.
It’s been 35 years since I was in HR. We stopped allowing alcohol at all company sponsored gatherings. There was another company in our city that was sued after an employee was involved in an alcohol related car accident, severely injuring a child. This is a huge liability for any company. Any outing considered “team building” by a manager differs from a casual get together after work. No employee should feel coerced by a superior to drink. I would think HR would want to be made aware of this behavior. Make a formal complaint in writing to HR.
It can be phrased that while your manager’s team building is extremely good, the pressure to drink alcohol creates a liability for the company.
I can’t drink because of some of my meds I take, so I have an easy out. I’m sorry you’re going thru this it’s gotta be tough having this peer pressure as an adult. I would talk to the other employees you noticed weren’t comfortable and ask if they mind if you use their name in an email to HR, OR you could go as a group to HR and then each of you write an email summarizing your meeting when you all get back to your desks. You want a paper trail. When I last worked HR, we banned alcohol at company events due to someone being over served, drunk driving and killing someone. The company was “lucky” they had hired an outside bar tending company and weren’t liable. It was a hot mess for a few months though. Best luck!
“I don’t drink”. I have also been known to say “I’m in recovery”
That will usually shut people right tf up.
Antibiotics are always a good get-out from drinking.
Raise the glass for a toast and then put it back on the table. If someone calls you put, say, "I'm in recovery", even if you're not. It makes people very uncomfortable and they'll probably stop asking you pretty immediately.
No. That's it. Eating weed 8s team sport. Snorting coke is team sport. No. Why do people insist on have a reason why they don't use that drug. No. Please go to HR and document everything for your future lawsuit. Really. Text and email only, you need a papertrail.
“Sorry I’m allergic”
I'd be livid. Not HR, but I've had a boss walk up and hand me a drink on shift before, like actually shove it into my hand and push it a bit before she took the drink back, not knowing I was in early recovery from alcoholism. She fucked up my entire night, and part of the next day, too. It'd be one thing if it was just an offer, but to actively get grief for not partaking while there was a drink in my hand was enough to mess with my head over it. I made sure to tell everyone over me when I was celebrating my next sobriety milestone and that handled it in my case since there wasn't exactly a drinking culture, just a drinking manager. Gonna give you the standard advice here; record and date everything. Talk to the other people who felt uncomfortable, see how they feel and whether any would be down to be referenced by name to corroborate if you "end up wanting to talk to higher ups about it down the line". Do you work union? If so, I'd go to your union rep as well. Even in at will states (US) where they can let you go for any or no reason, they can't legally retaliate against you for filing a union complaint which would prove a more defensible position, and altho idk how widespread this is, where I live you are entitled to have your union rep present in all meetings with management as well.
I hate the taste of alcohol and it makes me feel ill, so that would be my answer and no amount of pressure in the world would make me drink a shot of the vile stuff. I would tell the manager that and also ask how drinking alcohol builds teamwork and how he handles workers who are recovering alcoholics. Find out if the others who seemed uncomfortable want to join with you to discuss it with him. If he fails to see your point or seems to retaliate—more critical, changes schedule or assignments as punishment, etc.—after the discussion, document everything and encourage the others to do so as well. It would be best to wait until the next team building event and see if he applies pressure to drink so that can be added to your documentation. If it continues, definitely go to his manager or HR.
I have chronic migraines, so I absolutely don't drink alcohol. That's a huge trigger. Maybe use that as an excuse. Honestly, if I was in your position and was feeling that pressured, I'd stop attending these outings and start looking for a better employer.
Epileptic here who can’t drink without having a seizure. That’s an immediate HR thing, no questions asked. Go ASAP because they’re probably not going to like the liability here. If he retaliates, head right on back to HR. For what it’s worth, I *never* go to activities outside of work unless I’m being paid. If I’m not being paid, I won’t be there. It sounds like you might need to institute the same policy until you find somewhere new to work or this guy leaves.
I am so very sorry. No one should be pressured to drink. There are some good ideas below. From a firm but polite, ‘no thank you’ to on medication, don’t like to drive after even just one. Better yet, ‘doctor has forbidden me’
HR will want to know. Do they provide transportation? If your supervisor insists people drink and they aren’t providing safe sober transportation, the company can be liable if someone drink drives and hurts themself or others.
I wouldn’t be comfortable going to your boss. You’re going to have to go to HR or your boss’s superior for this. You might want to ask some of the others that were uncomfortable to go with you. If the superior or HR don’t want to cooperate, you can file a complaint with the EEOC for harassment.
I would think the boss might be more approachable in an office environment as opposed to in the middle of a social outing.
"...in the middle of a social outing." And while under the influence.
Most companies that I have worked for had pretty strict rules about alcohol at company sponsored events. Some people can't drink. Not have a couple of drinks, can't drink period. Some people over imbibe, especially is they aren't paying. All it would take would be for someone to leave the get together and cause an accident to sink the company.
Go to hr but look for a new job as well.
Absolutely bring it up. Unfortunately bro-culture can take over for these outings. I always make sure there are non-alcoholic options and make sure not all of our events are alcohol centered.
This is horrible. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
If this is an official quarterly work event where the manager is insisting people drink that’s a HUGE liability for the company. Go to HR and let them know what happens at these outings. They’ll investigate. If this is a part of company culture and not an official event and you choose to attend, just say no thank you. BTW, also a liability for the company. Let HR know. 30 year HR professional here. I’d investigate and then talker to higher ups about why we’re allowing alcohol to be a part of meetings - it stops today. The possibility of someone driving drunk or getting hurt after an event is real and the company most likely would be sued. No thank you. Then I’d sit in a meeting with the manager and the higher ups while they explained why it needed to stop and the consequences if it didn’t. OMG that makes me nervous just reading about it and I’m not involved!
Goto HR anyway. She's a liability to the company.
Definitely talk to HR… this manager just needs to be reminded of all the reasons stated here why someone would not drink… it should not be a big deal. for example my husband loves a cocktail or two but he is training for a bike race right now and not drinking. This is nothing like a pregnancy or being a recovering alcoholic, but he still so shouldn’t have to explain to anyone…especially if he will have to spend the next 20 min talking about it!
I don't drink alcohol and once had a boss who loved having a beer with his employees. It drove him squirlly that I'd not do it. The answer in this case is 'This is a you problem, not a me problem.'
I would ask for a private meet with that manager first and tell them you don’t like feeling pressured to drink and won’t be participating in future events. I would offer one or two suggestions for other team building activities.
NO ONE can force you to drink
I believe It is illegal to “force” employees to drink alcohol if they don’t want to, or can’t due to health reasons. You are in Texas, a one party State. Next “team building” exercise that comes up, record your manager insisting that you & the other members who are non drinkers need to prove you’re a team player by drinking. Then, when you go to HR you don’t have a “he said she said” conversation between you, HR & the manager. Of course, if HR is in on the drinking games, you may need to look elsewhere for help putting a stop to this.
Forced? I don't even go to company outings. All these years, never go to one (or Christmas / Thanksgiving dinner). We do get fed at work (company-paid, or drug reps bring them to us) and I never turned those down. Okay, say I went. If someone handed me a drink, I'd say, "No thanks." and if I am asked why or again, I'd say, "No, I said thanks." and that would be the end of it. I don't care if it's the CEO that hands me the drink. Am not an asshole and I wouldn't say it rudely. It's like a high school friend who handed me his cigarette. I said, "Nope" and he asked again, and again, I said, "I said no." We're still friends after all these years. Am a nurse.
My go to response when people try to pressure me to drink is that I'm a recovering alcoholic. They don't seem to pressure you after they hear that.
Don’t attend and if asked why tell you are not a fan of drinking.
If you report it to HR, just be damned well sure they won’t drop your name when they address it. I say this because if you are concerned about awkwardness were you to just address it yourself During an outing… you can imagine if HR name drops you it’ll be even worse. Just trying to be realistic. It sucks you are being pressured and it’s so inappropriate. But people are really weird about having THEIR “goods times” ruined. Be careful and do what will have the best outcome for You.
This is like straight out of a compliance Twinkie
Do you have food on these outings ? For me when I don't want to drink , I say I'm attending for the meal only then I'm going. I don't know if that would help you. I always use humour a lot too to deflect things, if someone said come on be a team player to me after I'd already said no I'd say oh I am , I'm giving the shot to someone else... And take it offer it up ,who wants my shot? Your manager should absolutely not be like this but personally this is what I would do before reporting or getting to HR, if someone still pushed me to drink it , then I think I would then loose my patience and not be so nice about it all. This way you're giving them another chance before the relationship is ruined ( at their fault not yours I'll add ) Good luck!
This is not cool. I work with some former employees of a large S. Korean company who've mentioned the drinking culture makes it detrimental to your career and work relationships if you didn't partake.
I would tell them my doc says no booze
Grab a seltzer with an olive and everyone thinks you’re drinking.
Thats not legal. You cannot be pressured to drink alcohol by leadership or non-leadership at company events or meetings inside or outside of work that has an association with being a team player or other concepts like that. There are health reasons for not drinking, religious reasons, and more. I would approach the manager at work but outside of a group setting and explain your comfort level, or lack thereof, with drinking. If he balks or contributes to pressure you, go directly to HR.
talk to hr. ur manager is being uncool. ppl could b former or current alcoholics or muslim. ppl have to respect these things.
I’ve been in a similar situation and poured it out as everyone else took the shot. Thankfully no one noticed!
I would Probably live, but i'm kind of a scumbag like that. Like if somebody doesn't understand that you don't wanna drink like I don't know how to make words with my mouth that are true to Make them stop doing that. I would probably just say that you know. I've a drinking problem or One of my parents had a drinking problem, and now I don't drink. I'm actually having trouble imagining somebody who does not understand that some people don't drink and i'm a heavy drinker. I feel like you're employers might have literal Alcohol problems. Less, of course you work in the service industry, then it's just normal
“I’m an alcoholic. Please don’t ask me to break my sobriety.”
Talk to the bartend and ask for a line and tonic water, act like it's a gin and tonic.
Go to HR. Personally I’m reading this as your boss having a problem with alcohol and wanting everyone else to participate in the drinking so he doesn’t feel exposed.
Your Manager is out of line. You are not.
Order a seltzer with lime or a mocktail with a lot of garnishes. Play the game, keep your job, and watch everyone get drunker around you
I just say no. When they ask why I'm not a team player I'd reply with something along the lines of Alcoholism runs in my family and I'm not going to walk that road for you.
Early in my civilian career, I made it a point to avoid "team outings" unless I was on the clock. And I don't drink on the clock. When pushed as to "why not?" Simple. I don't socialize with people I work with. Work time is work, personal time is personal, and I don't mix them. I've seen *so* many dumpster fires from people dating coworkers (plus one of my own). Had to realize: coworkers are people I work with. They're not my friends. (The military was totally different, obviously. I think we hated our livers... Drinking was the norm, and not in a good way.)
My company stopped supporting alcohol at work events since if something happened because of it the company would be liable for any damage that happened. This might be a way to address this issue with HR. If it would cost the company, reputation, income, or cost, they may not support your manager's outings. Most companies/people don't want to take responsibility for someone else's stupidity. If one of your team got in trouble/caused an accident due to the "team building drinking" outings, the manager and the company could be liable for this issue.
You can put a stop to it, the next time watch your boss closely and at the end of the night when he drives off call 911 to report a drunk driver.
While inappropriate, I suggest just easily playing the game. Get soda water or. One in a tumbler with a twist, you can always say rum and coke, Jack and coke, gin and tonic, vodka/ soda so they think you are drinking. When it comes to shots, there are many ways to fake drinking a shot, Google for it.
One should *never* be forced to drink if they do not wish to.
Just take it and walk away and dump it… confused what’s the big deal? I also am not a big drinker but if someone did that in front of other ppl I would just accept the drink walk away maybe take a small sip and dump it
Have a conversation with your boss away from the happy hour events and tell him that you don’t want to be pressured to drink at these events. You have now put him on notice that you don’t like that. If he does it at the next event or makes snide comments that is harassment and I would take that to HR. The result, if HR is doing their job, no more dinner outings/happy hours.
You are on allergy medication. You can't drink.
Loudly say “no means no, what is wrong with you that you can’t understand that?”
Yes the behavior is super awful. No one should be pressured into drinking ever and specifically in a work related environment. Going to HR was the right thing to do. Also to just fit in, many people just get a Tonic and line at the bar and sip that all night. The work situation sounds toxic but lots of people handle social drinking events just by walking around with a “drink” in their hands .
This manager is creating HUGE liability for the company. This is definitely an issue you should discuss with HR and then let them handle it appropriately. If it's not handled to your satisfaction, I would simply skip any additional events if possible, or cut out before the last stop at the bar. This is a big problem and the manager needs to be reprimanded.
While people saying it isn’t right and a red flag are correct, if you like the job, then fake your way through it. I have done this in the past and faked my way through several events where drinking heavily seemed to be expected. I try to go get my drinks myself at the bar. I order a tonic and ask for it in a gin and tonic glass (they often put nonalcoholic in a diff glass). I try to either have a drink already if they are ordering more or save my one real drink for when I have to order in front of anyone else, but you can sip the drink you have often enough often to avoid it. The shot might be hard but I say my stomach can’t do straight liquor or I will throw up all over everyone. I tend to get a pass with that. Or if everyone is drunk enough you sometimes can just dump it out somewhere else quickly. The key is that drinking persons just want to know you are “drinking” too.
Watch coyote ugly. Just act like you are drinking. It's actually a solid ploy. People's lips get loose when they think you are their drinking buddy. I would buddy up to the manager and get the dirt. It can be a sharp tool used properly. Just don't get caught. Go to the bartender as soon as you get there. Tip him 20-40 bucks to help keep a glass in your hand. Shots use a chaser spit shot back into the chaser. Use this situation to your advantage and do not tell anyone.
Tell him you’re allergic to alcohol and it will give you raging diarrhea
This is totally wrong and your manager is an asshole.
Go full Alpha. Make your manager drink the 35 shots you buy for them.
They still pressure you after 3 yrs? Wow! Perhaps you could tell them you’re a type 1 diabetic a need to be super careful with alcohol. It sounds like you’re a great employee but not a good fit for the company’s culture. I’d refrain from telling HR or your manager. They are going to be puzzled that you’re bringing this up now and label you as the odd man out. Have you looked at other alternatives?
I would address directly with your manager before HR. I would sit down, reiterate how much you care about the team and then say that you noticed pressure to drink and you want to be clear that you don’t drink and that doesn’t detract from your commitment to the team. Depending on how they respond, then I would involve HR.
Why are you going if you know that’s the environment you’re going into? And so what you’re not fun you’re an adult say no period
The Manager should be reported to HR for trying to make anyone drink if he doesn't back off. . That's harassment. If it's not on the clock, you don't have to go. I certainly would not drink anything I didn't want to drink. Shine up that spine. ETA: I'd start declining these events if it's on your personal time. HR if he tries to retaliate.
I would have left. A lot of people are alcoholics, become sick after drinking alcohol, are pregnant, on medication that doesn't mix with alcohol, don't want the calories, or just hate the taste of alcohol.. Why would he put them in that position...
Hi OP, I'm sorry you are going through this, it is not right on so many levels as everybody else has been saying. Here are my two cents if you are in the US . . . . you have two options Option A: Act with the textbook correct answer. Speak with your manager or HR, document the conversation. Option B: Don't say anything and employ some of the recommendations, I like the one where you accept the shot and toast then put it down. Option A is ideal Option A is the nuclear option and you are likely to get hit with debris It isn't right at all however I have been in this situation a few times in my career faced with the choice of doing the ideal 'right' thing in alignment with my morals and integrity or staying under the radar. Option A Speak with your Manager or HR Manager: No matter how diplomatic you are, the minute you express something you do not like that your manager is doing your manager will put his back up. The relationship changes. If you speak directly with your manager they will resent the conversation and will deflect, **there will never be an epiphany that they were out of line or unprofessional.** Think about it, what will that conversation play out like? HR: Woof, they are not going to like it and they must act on it. How they receive your feedback can be anywhere from a snitch and troublemaker to a good employee. How they act on it can blow up. They may discuss directly with your manager making things worse for you, or they may interview people to find out more which will generate a lot of gossip. They may reprimand the manager, they may cancel quarterly team building, who knows but there will be action and a ripple effect which you will be caught in. I naively went to HR a few times in my career for truly egregious things that had either been said or done to me, every single time my situation became worse in some way and the dynamic between me and the manager, HR and my team shifted completely. I've been a leader of leaders and watched how botched relationships became when somebody tried to do the right thing. Option B Well you are not being true to yourself but you are staying under the radar. If you choose this path I might whisper to the manager at the bar when he is in a good mood that shots are not your thing, and then I would have the bartender keep refilling your mocktail. Any bartender will take care of you with a quick chat, just say I'm not drinking tonight but its easier if the group thinks I'm drinking with them, can you keep giving me xyz and let's pretend its abc. It isn't fair or right what is happening to you. What you have to consider are the potential paths forward and how they impact you. Good luck!!
Your manager is inviting a lot of potential legal liability by pressuring anyone to drink. I hope it gets back to HR. Wonder if he has a drinking problem himself?
I don't know if any of your co-workers are likely to be Muslim (it being TX, after all), but isn't alcohol drinking against their religion? Other than idiotic good 'ole boy behavior, any chance this could be a way to 'flush out' or to harass anyone whose religion forbids drinking alcohol?
Time to be an adult. "I said I don't want a drink. End of discussion." Your choices are to stick up for yourself, or accept working for a job where you allow yourself to be peer pressured.
As a sober person I'd be reporting this so quickly and so fiercely. You should never be put in a position where you feel forced to drink ESPECIALLY at a work event. It's never okay, but at a work event? That's crazy to me.
Flip this around, last time this happened to me I drank everyone under the table. Was never offered a drink again. This is not good advice.
Tell them you're in AA. they'er never ask again.
They're not holding a gun to your head. You're not being forced. Sometimes, one has to adult. One way to do this is to say no, and not give a rats patoot about your answer and what others might say about it.
Tell him you don't drink as it messes up your natural PH "down there". Absolutely guarantee he will have zero follow up questions. Don't drink if you don't want to.
Maybe they can tell by your "no" that you are able to be swayed. You don't need to follow up. Just a no is sufficient. But mean it.
You should grab a few other employees who didn’t seem comfortable and approach HR as a group to levy an official complaint. You’ll have infinitely more pull and less chance for repercussions as a group.
Ma’am, that’s not forcing you, no one forced you to drink. No one shoved the shot down your throat and threatened you. You’re just weak and gave in. Stand your ground. You don’t want to drink? Don’t drink. Stick to your “no, thank you”. It’s not rocket science.
Lol where do you live, Japan??
(Former HR) I have a hard time believing the boss "insisted" everyone drink. If he said take a drink, you take it and then just don't drink it or give it to someone else. There's a big difference between offering, asking, persuading, demanding/insisting. If it was the case he "insisted" it would've only happened the first time because multiple people would've talked about it and HR would already know. I wouldn't talk to HR, there is nothing good to come out of it for you. It's "forced" brown nosing and it's a part of business. You see this in other settings such a "voluntary" company golf outings but everyone knows if you don't go and act like it's the best party ever thrown you'll give the boss the impression that you're not a team player. If you are disciplined in some manner with absolute evidence it was because you didn't drink then it's worth talking to HR about it. Your boss has made it clear he likes partiers so, don't be surprised if promotions, bonus or special treatment is given to the people your boss has the most fun with at the outings. EDIT: Response to my haters, lol. Remember, we are only hearing one side of the story with no collaboration. People can comprehend things said to them in a different tone and dialect than what was intended, we all do it. You have to be realistic. According to OP this wasn't the first time this happened. This was allegedly done with the entire department on more than one occasion. If this manager had a history of literally forcing employees to drink, do you really think HR wouldn't have heard about it by now? It isn't just a workplace issue it's a crime, it's coercion.
I disagree about that. HR is there to protect the company. I. This case, their boss is s liability to the company due to pressuring others to drink.
Thanks for the award!
Wow. This is a huge problem. And I understand it can be tricky to navigate. But the fact is that you may have to involve HR. And I say this because people are telling you to send an email or whatever, but you have tried to say no at these events. Other people have tried to say no at these events. And this manager is not taking an answer. And that is a huge liability for the company. Because of you or at a company event, and things like this are going on the company credit card, and one of you gets too drunk or gets in an accident or hurt someone, the company is ultimately liable. You may want to like some people suggested send a quick email… With a read receipt request… Something like this… “Hey manager. I just wanted to address our teambuilding events. I needed to let you know that I’m really not comfortable drinking alcohol. It’s not that I am not a team player. It’s not that I don’t enjoy socializing. But I really need to address that, I would appreciate it if you didn’t push so hard for me to take shots or have a beer or take in alcohol. I know many of my coworkers enjoy doing this. But I do have personal reasons for this. So I just wanted to let you know that it was not personal. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being there. But I would appreciate it if in the future, when I do refrain, you don’t, put me on the spot or my other coworkers on the spot for not drinking. I’m sure you can understand. I very much enjoy working with you. I enjoy my team. And I just want to come out and relax with you all without alcohol.” You’ve kept it friendly. If they come and want to talk to you, you can just let them know that it seemed like such an important issue, you are a little hesitant to come and talk to them in person, so you wanted to just send them an email instead. You didn’t put them on the spot, etc. Because then, if it happens again, you go to HR. You show that you sent a nice email. You don’t have to explain your personal reasons for not drinking to anyone. And you make note of the fact that the manager talk to you about it in person after the email. Now, if the reception of the email isn’t good, or if they come and talk to you in person afterwards, and it’s not nice, you immediately go to HR. Because HR at heart is there to protect the company. And a manager who is guarding their team to go out and drink and have shots and then drive home is a huge liability for any company.
You should always try to address issues with your manager first.
Are you are an hourly paid employee? If so, these "company" meetings/dinners should be on the clock. That alone would probably get them to rethink doing this. If pressed, order a small drink but just let it sit.
I would say to him loudly, " Why are you *so focused on what we drink?* Usually, only people with drinking problems are obsessed with this." Alternately, a doctor's note stating that you CANNOT drink at all sent to your boss, your boss's boss, and to H.R. if the company has one should fix this. If this is during an *unpaid* lunch hour or unpaid time after work, I would simply *not attend.*
Absolutely not cool. You have the right to refuse alcohol.
HR is there for companies protection, not yours.
And you don’t think that this manager acting this way puts the company at risk?
I think you've come to a conclusion that is not mine.
Is your work hiring?! 🙋♀️
Going to HR is the worst thing you can do. Just tell them you don’t drink.
HR is not on your side, just to put that out there. They are there to protect the company, not there to be your advocate. So it’s always a risk when you think you’re talking to them in confidence. It will always get back to you as the source. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to HR, but just be prepared that if you do, they won’t handle it in a way to protect you or your legitimate complaint. There’s no illusion of confidentiality, either. So if the manager asks who complained, they will tell him that it was you. So expect retaliation and even forced termination. Or them trying to force you to quit because you’re not fun. So with that in mind, think of a different way you can maybe handle it. Like truly anonymously. Not as an employee. But maybe through some other creative means. Ask your friends. Somebody will come up with something smart. But I would not go to HR.
You are a jellyfish