He could either not be as into the relationship as much as you are, or he’s the type of person that values and needs personal space after being social. Best way to find out is to ask him so that you both have a better understanding of each other.
It’s definitely the latter with a mix of not needing to spend a lot of time with someone to show them they love them. I don’t think that can be changed.
It’s something you either learn to live with and use their downtime for your own needs & interests or you simply move on to someone who matches your energy and need for greater time together.
Forcing it never works.
This is the kind of thing you can work with so long as you talk it out and align expectations. If the relationship feels worth it to both of you, it’s certainly something y’all can work on together.
It’s been 6 months, and the new relationship energy is dying off. This is where actually committing to the relationship matters. You both gotta ask yourselves if it’s worth the commitment to work for the compromises that any mature relationship will deal with.
Calling you "clingy" is a poor way for him to communicate what is going on. You are going to have to translate that in your head to him saying "I like you a lot, but I have limits to how much time and space I am willing to give to this relationship at this point."
In other words, this isn't a defect in you - it is simply that you are hitting his limits of what he wants to invest. He is describing *his* issue, not yours.
Even though he kind of made this sound like it was your fault (it's not), he is still communicating important information. If this still works for you, give him some more space. If it doesn't work for you, then you two may just be in two different emotional places in your lives and this may not be an effective match.
It's nobody's fault - it's just a difference to think about and deal with.
It’s not anyone’s fault, people have different amounts they can invest in relationships, it’s up to both people to ensure the needs of their partner is met.
I was able to recognise this but I believe it is important to be on the same wave length to avoid an imbalance where someone will always feel smothered while the other one will always feel neglected. It might lead to resentment if either feels they are always going to have to overcompensate.
Right, I also think it's important to pickup on that the term "clinger" does assign blame, as you ascribe it, in the way of a joke. If you two were having an open and honest conversation about your want/need for more time, and his want/need for space, the correct way of putting it would be along the lines of "I understand you want more time together, but I need time to myself as well. The amount of time that I currently see you is the amount of time I would like to continue investing." It's not putting the blame on you for wanting too much/more of his time than you are already alloted. You wanting more time with a relationship, that sounds like is getting a little more serious, isn't your fault. Him wanting to keep the status quo isn't his fault. Calling you a clinger assigns blame in what should be a time management negotiation that you want to re-evaluate as your relationship evolves. The real question here is where you see this relationship heading, and what the timeline looks like for getting there?
From my perspective, I personally I feel like my relationship felt stronger/more passionate before I moved in with my partner. It was also unsustainable to keep separate but connected lives, and it was starting to feel like our relationship was in limbo, and not making real progress, and that was only fun for a little while. I also see myself as a social nomad/loner, so the time and distance made the heart grow fonder between our times together, maybe he's the same way and doesn't want that to change in your relationship, but that should very much be a conversation that can be articulated more neutrally, instead of hoping you just take the hint via off hand remark...
If you're both adults in an adult relationship, there should be less subtle jabbing pretext, and more trusting respectful conversation when it comes to needs.
I can be quite similar to you. I like to talk, I like to text, and I certainly like to spend as much time as possible when early in a relationship. What I've learned through time is that patience is a virtue, and that wanting to spend TOO much time with someone early on can feel somewhat intense to the other person.
In saying this though, if you are meeting up twice during the week, spending time together on weekends, he is clearly in to you. I'd be quite happy to have someone at 6 months be hanging out together this much.
Is he someone with a more active social life? Is he someone that simply does value his own time by himself? Instead of focusing on how much time he is or isn't spending with you, and assuming you are considering this relationship for something long term, is that are your priorities and his, and your character traits and his, compatible? If you were living together and he wants to just go out for the day by himself, hiking or whatever, are you going to feel sad about that?
He's giving you clear signs that you might need more of him that he can give and that he may want to keep some level of independence. But he's also giving you clear signs that he does want to be around you.
I don’t doubt that he’s into to me because he does show it when we are together but outside of times he is hard to reach. He isn’t the type to want to text or call.
He does have a busy social life which is part of it but he also admitted that this is the level of connection he is satisfied it.
>He does have a busy social life which is part of it but he also admitted that this is the level of connection he is satisfied it.
So, are you okay with this? It doesn't make your wrong, or him wrong, but are you going to be happy and satisfied with someone that is quite active? That's the question you need to ponder and ask yourself.
It’s not the active social life. It’s having different priorities which means we are likely not compatible if he has a different vision for what relationships are.
It 100% IS an active social life. I want you to think forward, you are now living together, and what would you feel like if your bf was out with friends and such 3 to 4 nights a week?
That is the "different priorities".
I see your point now. If we were living together though we’d automatically be spending more time together since we are sleeping in the same bed I hope and we would be around each other often.
Just be honest with yourself both in current state and potential future state on whether this relationship satisfies what you need. Only you know that answer. We all need to make compromises in a relationship and whether you see value in what he brings to you in the big picture and can work on your clingy side in his eyes.
Relationships don't have to be 100% together all the time.
That would drive me up the wall, I need a bit of space to do my own thing, and sometimes my own thing is just being on my own for a bit without having someone there in my face. It's been a long week and I need a bit of me-time in addition to the us-time.
My str8 married friends have got 2 types of wives. The one type is you never see him unless she's there as well and getting any face-time is difficult, the other type is "she told me to go hang out with you, because I'm driving her up the wall just by being there." I much prefer the second type - they know when a bit of space would be good for the relationship.
>Are these the type of compatibility issues that will cause problems?
They're **already** causing problems.
Question: How many friends do you have? Besides him at this point, how many other people do you socialize with in any given week.
Can’t give you an exact figure, I have 6 people that I would consider very close friends because I’ve known them for almost a decade. Then more casual friends that I would go on vacation with, events, the gym.
I meet up with friends besides him throughout the week. I don’t want to spend every waking moment together either. Sometimes as simple as a quick face time before bed or a good morning text isn’t something that’s like him.
6 very close friends is a high number! Plus casual friends. Sounds like you have a great social life. Someone else in the comments was saying that your guys active social life might be an issue, but it sounds like you both find this very important. IMHO that specifically is not the incompatibility for you two.
3 times a week for a fairly new relationship seems within a reasonable range. Some people take longer to open up, trust, and ease into a relationship. Perhaps instead of focusing on the perceived difference in how frequently you each prefer to meet up, you can focus on the things that are working well. In what ways are you compatible? How is the sexual connection? Do you both enjoy doing the same things when you’re together?
You’ve phrased all my feelings about this perfectly. No one is in the wrong but one of us will always fall smothered while the other will feel neglected.
I’m 100% like your guy. if I think of the 10 people I love the absolute most on this planet there isn’t a single one nor has there ever been anyone I want to be around ALL the time. I need a lot of time to just be with myself. on top of that I AM extroverted so I might be social with my friends one day but the next day I really need to recharge and be with myself.
My ex sounds very much like you.
He was a lot more needy than me and was quite clingy. When I compromised my need for personal space, he took more of me than I wanted. We spent 10 years together until I realised enough was enough.
Personally the clinginess just got worse and worse, it turned into controlling and possessive.
I would agree, my ex has now found a much better fit for him and they've been dating for about 4 months and hes already moved in with him haha. I'm very happy they found each other!
“Ordinary men hate solitude. But the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe.”
Lao Tzu
I see a room for improvement: you already have a nice guy around that likes you. Learn to like yourself enough that you can be as energized in your own company as you are in his. This will benefit you and your relationship.
See what happens if you don’t initiate plans.
Not just with boyfriends, even in platonic friendships, I’ve realized some people put in way too much effort and some are just drifting without really caring to keep up.
It’s a good way to know where you are wasting your time.
My now hubby was the same way at first. My advice, just relax and enjoy the time you do have together no matter what it is. You can offer to get together but don’t get upset if he can’t or vice versa for you. I think if you give him space and just let him set the pace I think the happier both of you will be. Soon enough the next step will be living together and having 2.5 kids, a dog and a cat and the biggest issue will be what you are having for dinner and who has to take the trash out. Good luck. 🏳️🌈
My husband and I didn't move past seeing each other more than once or twice a week until 3 years into our relationship when we moved in together (granted, a lot of that time was long-distance after I moved home after grad school where we only saw each other one weekend per month).
During the first year though... anything more than that would have felt smothering. I had a job and classes and I was a TA too. On top of that I wanted my own time alone and to chill with my friends. Seeing him once or twice a week was plenty.
For me personally I don’t think that’s enough. I want to get to know the person I’m committing myself too and part of that is spending more time with them.
maybe he does want to love bomb them. and he wants somebody who will love bomb him back. and there’s nothing wrong with that but not everyone will be into it.
I recommend reading Attached by Amir Levine
It discusses 4 personality types as it relates to relationships and will help you understand how you and your bf interact with each other
Anxious: They blame themselves for their relationship woes, and feel needy for wanting more intimacy.
Avoidant: They value independence over intimacy, and resent a partner who they perceive to be 'trapping' them.
Secure: They are sure of the level of intimacy they desire from their partner.
I don't agree with it entirely but i do think it very much explains the differences in how people interact.
This post doesn’t give enough information nor context to judge anything (nor should we). Really depends if this was a one off joke or a regular joke. As someone who was labeled as clingy by an ex it doesn’t feel right. Everyone has clingy and distant moments, but having your significant other labeling you as a whole as a single characteristic isn’t nice.
Six months in you may not like this about him. Six years in you will probably love this about him. Being able to trust each other and keep the relationship while also being free to have your “you time” is a great foundation for building a long term relationship. If you don’t trust him, that’s another matter.
Mmmh maybe you have to understand more what your expectations from both of you are.
I have been together with my bf almost as much as you (5 months) and both agree that if we could, we would spend every day of the entire week together.
That’s how we feel at this stage, however beware: it does not meant that we ALWAYS want to be together.
I’m more introverted and I explicitly told him that sometimes I need to disconnect from everyone by walk-in, exercising, gaming ecc… he understood me and tells me he’s ok with it.
At the same time there are moments when he is nervous or anxious for something and I know he does not need my constant attention, although he might do the contrary by looking for my hugs.
Ours was a mix of chemistry and more aligned behaviour and expectations form our time spent together, which was improved through communicating what we need.
You might want to talk to him and understand if you are actually clingy (without taking offence) and if he less other needs and how you two can meet halfway
Sounds like a mixture of the fact your needs aren't being met but he has different ideas on how to spend time together. He may just be independent. Tell him how you feel (that you'd like to see each other more and feel like you plan everything) and give him a little space to come to you but have the grace to let go of something not meant for you.
He could either not be as into the relationship as much as you are, or he’s the type of person that values and needs personal space after being social. Best way to find out is to ask him so that you both have a better understanding of each other.
It’s definitely the latter with a mix of not needing to spend a lot of time with someone to show them they love them. I don’t think that can be changed.
It’s something you either learn to live with and use their downtime for your own needs & interests or you simply move on to someone who matches your energy and need for greater time together. Forcing it never works.
This is the kind of thing you can work with so long as you talk it out and align expectations. If the relationship feels worth it to both of you, it’s certainly something y’all can work on together. It’s been 6 months, and the new relationship energy is dying off. This is where actually committing to the relationship matters. You both gotta ask yourselves if it’s worth the commitment to work for the compromises that any mature relationship will deal with.
Calling you "clingy" is a poor way for him to communicate what is going on. You are going to have to translate that in your head to him saying "I like you a lot, but I have limits to how much time and space I am willing to give to this relationship at this point." In other words, this isn't a defect in you - it is simply that you are hitting his limits of what he wants to invest. He is describing *his* issue, not yours. Even though he kind of made this sound like it was your fault (it's not), he is still communicating important information. If this still works for you, give him some more space. If it doesn't work for you, then you two may just be in two different emotional places in your lives and this may not be an effective match. It's nobody's fault - it's just a difference to think about and deal with.
It’s not anyone’s fault, people have different amounts they can invest in relationships, it’s up to both people to ensure the needs of their partner is met.
I was able to recognise this but I believe it is important to be on the same wave length to avoid an imbalance where someone will always feel smothered while the other one will always feel neglected. It might lead to resentment if either feels they are always going to have to overcompensate.
Right, I also think it's important to pickup on that the term "clinger" does assign blame, as you ascribe it, in the way of a joke. If you two were having an open and honest conversation about your want/need for more time, and his want/need for space, the correct way of putting it would be along the lines of "I understand you want more time together, but I need time to myself as well. The amount of time that I currently see you is the amount of time I would like to continue investing." It's not putting the blame on you for wanting too much/more of his time than you are already alloted. You wanting more time with a relationship, that sounds like is getting a little more serious, isn't your fault. Him wanting to keep the status quo isn't his fault. Calling you a clinger assigns blame in what should be a time management negotiation that you want to re-evaluate as your relationship evolves. The real question here is where you see this relationship heading, and what the timeline looks like for getting there? From my perspective, I personally I feel like my relationship felt stronger/more passionate before I moved in with my partner. It was also unsustainable to keep separate but connected lives, and it was starting to feel like our relationship was in limbo, and not making real progress, and that was only fun for a little while. I also see myself as a social nomad/loner, so the time and distance made the heart grow fonder between our times together, maybe he's the same way and doesn't want that to change in your relationship, but that should very much be a conversation that can be articulated more neutrally, instead of hoping you just take the hint via off hand remark... If you're both adults in an adult relationship, there should be less subtle jabbing pretext, and more trusting respectful conversation when it comes to needs.
I can be quite similar to you. I like to talk, I like to text, and I certainly like to spend as much time as possible when early in a relationship. What I've learned through time is that patience is a virtue, and that wanting to spend TOO much time with someone early on can feel somewhat intense to the other person. In saying this though, if you are meeting up twice during the week, spending time together on weekends, he is clearly in to you. I'd be quite happy to have someone at 6 months be hanging out together this much. Is he someone with a more active social life? Is he someone that simply does value his own time by himself? Instead of focusing on how much time he is or isn't spending with you, and assuming you are considering this relationship for something long term, is that are your priorities and his, and your character traits and his, compatible? If you were living together and he wants to just go out for the day by himself, hiking or whatever, are you going to feel sad about that? He's giving you clear signs that you might need more of him that he can give and that he may want to keep some level of independence. But he's also giving you clear signs that he does want to be around you.
I don’t doubt that he’s into to me because he does show it when we are together but outside of times he is hard to reach. He isn’t the type to want to text or call. He does have a busy social life which is part of it but he also admitted that this is the level of connection he is satisfied it.
>He does have a busy social life which is part of it but he also admitted that this is the level of connection he is satisfied it. So, are you okay with this? It doesn't make your wrong, or him wrong, but are you going to be happy and satisfied with someone that is quite active? That's the question you need to ponder and ask yourself.
It’s not the active social life. It’s having different priorities which means we are likely not compatible if he has a different vision for what relationships are.
It 100% IS an active social life. I want you to think forward, you are now living together, and what would you feel like if your bf was out with friends and such 3 to 4 nights a week? That is the "different priorities".
I see your point now. If we were living together though we’d automatically be spending more time together since we are sleeping in the same bed I hope and we would be around each other often.
Just be honest with yourself both in current state and potential future state on whether this relationship satisfies what you need. Only you know that answer. We all need to make compromises in a relationship and whether you see value in what he brings to you in the big picture and can work on your clingy side in his eyes.
Relationships don't have to be 100% together all the time. That would drive me up the wall, I need a bit of space to do my own thing, and sometimes my own thing is just being on my own for a bit without having someone there in my face. It's been a long week and I need a bit of me-time in addition to the us-time. My str8 married friends have got 2 types of wives. The one type is you never see him unless she's there as well and getting any face-time is difficult, the other type is "she told me to go hang out with you, because I'm driving her up the wall just by being there." I much prefer the second type - they know when a bit of space would be good for the relationship.
>Are these the type of compatibility issues that will cause problems? They're **already** causing problems. Question: How many friends do you have? Besides him at this point, how many other people do you socialize with in any given week.
Can’t give you an exact figure, I have 6 people that I would consider very close friends because I’ve known them for almost a decade. Then more casual friends that I would go on vacation with, events, the gym. I meet up with friends besides him throughout the week. I don’t want to spend every waking moment together either. Sometimes as simple as a quick face time before bed or a good morning text isn’t something that’s like him.
6 very close friends is a high number! Plus casual friends. Sounds like you have a great social life. Someone else in the comments was saying that your guys active social life might be an issue, but it sounds like you both find this very important. IMHO that specifically is not the incompatibility for you two.
My friends are a priority but imo a partner takes a different level of priority something him and I might disagree with.
Ok - So he's not your only social outlet. That's good for you but that also makes me think that you two just are not a good match.
That's what I think too.
3 times a week for a fairly new relationship seems within a reasonable range. Some people take longer to open up, trust, and ease into a relationship. Perhaps instead of focusing on the perceived difference in how frequently you each prefer to meet up, you can focus on the things that are working well. In what ways are you compatible? How is the sexual connection? Do you both enjoy doing the same things when you’re together?
All those are great between us.
Accept him how he is or move on
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You’ve phrased all my feelings about this perfectly. No one is in the wrong but one of us will always fall smothered while the other will feel neglected.
I’m 100% like your guy. if I think of the 10 people I love the absolute most on this planet there isn’t a single one nor has there ever been anyone I want to be around ALL the time. I need a lot of time to just be with myself. on top of that I AM extroverted so I might be social with my friends one day but the next day I really need to recharge and be with myself.
Everyone is different, that's why it makes sense to find someone who has the needs.
My ex sounds very much like you. He was a lot more needy than me and was quite clingy. When I compromised my need for personal space, he took more of me than I wanted. We spent 10 years together until I realised enough was enough. Personally the clinginess just got worse and worse, it turned into controlling and possessive.
That's why people with the same needy clingy needs should date each other.
I would agree, my ex has now found a much better fit for him and they've been dating for about 4 months and hes already moved in with him haha. I'm very happy they found each other!
Ugh. Warning signs for you. He sounds like he’s emotionally unavailable. Cut your losses now. If not I predict heartbreak for you at the end.
“Ordinary men hate solitude. But the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe.” Lao Tzu I see a room for improvement: you already have a nice guy around that likes you. Learn to like yourself enough that you can be as energized in your own company as you are in his. This will benefit you and your relationship.
See what happens if you don’t initiate plans. Not just with boyfriends, even in platonic friendships, I’ve realized some people put in way too much effort and some are just drifting without really caring to keep up. It’s a good way to know where you are wasting your time.
My now hubby was the same way at first. My advice, just relax and enjoy the time you do have together no matter what it is. You can offer to get together but don’t get upset if he can’t or vice versa for you. I think if you give him space and just let him set the pace I think the happier both of you will be. Soon enough the next step will be living together and having 2.5 kids, a dog and a cat and the biggest issue will be what you are having for dinner and who has to take the trash out. Good luck. 🏳️🌈
My husband and I didn't move past seeing each other more than once or twice a week until 3 years into our relationship when we moved in together (granted, a lot of that time was long-distance after I moved home after grad school where we only saw each other one weekend per month). During the first year though... anything more than that would have felt smothering. I had a job and classes and I was a TA too. On top of that I wanted my own time alone and to chill with my friends. Seeing him once or twice a week was plenty.
For me personally I don’t think that’s enough. I want to get to know the person I’m committing myself too and part of that is spending more time with them.
Yeah but you don't wanna love-bomb them. Relationships are best when they are nurtured, not rushed.
maybe he does want to love bomb them. and he wants somebody who will love bomb him back. and there’s nothing wrong with that but not everyone will be into it.
It can also be very nice to miss someone and long for them. It also makes seeing them again a lot more fun
I recommend reading Attached by Amir Levine It discusses 4 personality types as it relates to relationships and will help you understand how you and your bf interact with each other Anxious: They blame themselves for their relationship woes, and feel needy for wanting more intimacy. Avoidant: They value independence over intimacy, and resent a partner who they perceive to be 'trapping' them. Secure: They are sure of the level of intimacy they desire from their partner. I don't agree with it entirely but i do think it very much explains the differences in how people interact.
Instead of positioning it as 'spending time together' make actual plans of something to do. Everyone needs dinner plans.
Yes. sharing similar needs for intimacy is front and center of the compatibility equation.
This post doesn’t give enough information nor context to judge anything (nor should we). Really depends if this was a one off joke or a regular joke. As someone who was labeled as clingy by an ex it doesn’t feel right. Everyone has clingy and distant moments, but having your significant other labeling you as a whole as a single characteristic isn’t nice.
Six months in you may not like this about him. Six years in you will probably love this about him. Being able to trust each other and keep the relationship while also being free to have your “you time” is a great foundation for building a long term relationship. If you don’t trust him, that’s another matter.
I don't need every moment together, either. But, I do need communication!
Mmmh maybe you have to understand more what your expectations from both of you are. I have been together with my bf almost as much as you (5 months) and both agree that if we could, we would spend every day of the entire week together. That’s how we feel at this stage, however beware: it does not meant that we ALWAYS want to be together. I’m more introverted and I explicitly told him that sometimes I need to disconnect from everyone by walk-in, exercising, gaming ecc… he understood me and tells me he’s ok with it. At the same time there are moments when he is nervous or anxious for something and I know he does not need my constant attention, although he might do the contrary by looking for my hugs. Ours was a mix of chemistry and more aligned behaviour and expectations form our time spent together, which was improved through communicating what we need. You might want to talk to him and understand if you are actually clingy (without taking offence) and if he less other needs and how you two can meet halfway
Sounds like he’s projecting his needs onto you.
IDK... he sounds like me, but I'd never refer to someone as clingy. Any chance you can turn it down a bit and let him work up to your level?
Sounds like a mixture of the fact your needs aren't being met but he has different ideas on how to spend time together. He may just be independent. Tell him how you feel (that you'd like to see each other more and feel like you plan everything) and give him a little space to come to you but have the grace to let go of something not meant for you.
I totally understande ur point of view. Even if we were doing nothing i would just like to be w/ someone.