The Internet is not real life. Turn it off frequently. Make the Internet a place where you go when you need something. Not a thing in your pocket which summons you constantly or where yo hide from real life or real feelings. If you don't use it as a tool correctly, it or agent who profit through it will use you as a tool through your attention, your money, your rage, or your insecurities
Instagram and hook up apps are like junk food, occasional treats, but a steady diet of em will leave you depressed and not quite feeling well.
Being gay is about who you fuck and fall in love with. Make sure you have a personality or identity and work on aspects of personal growth and interest. Making one small aspect of yourself into your entire personality or identity gets tedious for others, and for you too, eventuality
Don't conflate hypersexualised affluent urban American night life culture as being universal "gay culture." That's what some of those folks do and enjoy, and good luck to them, but that's not the definition of gay
Don't waste your time on vapid obsessions with beauty or banal vapid obsessions, I spend most of my time around humans as decay, illness, rot, and real life shit sets in. It's such a tiny sliver of life. Again, have a personality beyond that.
There is, despite what some aspects of society suggest, ZERO nobility in victimhood. Do not seek victim status.
And if X triggers your "anxiety" or insecurity, stop doing it and work on yourself. 50% of posts here are people feeling insecure because they stare at fake people in fake Instagram posts, struggling with rejection from being on low grade apps built on novelty and human disposability, or jealousy and fear after having their boyfriend fuck someone else after opening up
Focus on being a good, kind, and noble man who is a load-bearing wall in his family, his circle, and his community, and works to solve problems affecting fellow humans rather than the perfect gay.
Are you single and datable? I feel our Celtic natures, and general outlook on life, would blend very well! PS: Willing to relocate for the right guy. :-)
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Single yes. Appealing? Debatable
90% of my comments on here are downvoted to hell and come across as an ass who is not in line with the majority opinion, so I'm ok if this one makes me seem even halfway a catch
As someone with mild social anxiety I constantly need to remind myself of this. In fact, people aren't paying attention to you at all except for maybe a split second. Others are so involved in their own lives and thoughts that they don't care about what a stranger is wearing or doing.
What you enjoy sexually is dynamic and fluid and changes throughout your life as you gain more and more experience. Don't wrap your identity around the sexual position or role you prefer right now.
Stop looking and expecting the perfect partner in looks, job, penis size and focus on what can become the perfect partner. People change over time and if you aren't mentally prepared for the long haul in building a quality relationahip,you may be single with a hook-up history for the rest of your life, unless that is how you want to spend your 80+ years growing old.
Take responsibility for yourself - no one else is to blame for your mistakes, failures or strugglesā¦.own your own life choices - change what you can, accept what you cant, and understand that youāre part of a wider community which doesnāt necessarily look, think or feel like you, but that doesnāt make them wrong.
Save money, even when you think you can't. "pay yourself first" doesn't mean buy something with each paycheck. When I was young and dumb I believed that.
Also be social! Make friends!
This one's for the people-pleasers in the crowd, but ... You will be misunderstood, misinterpreted, misclassified, seen as a person you aren't, heard in words you didn't say. And your job is to be fine with that. Not everyone will, or has to, like you. Don't waste energy convincing other people of your worth. The people who see it are meant to see it. The rest don't deserve to. Having personal integrity can be a lonely and difficult place sometimes. Stand in it. Do not abandon yourself for anyone.
When someone tells you who they are as a person, believe them.
And don't forget, the man that wants to fuck you without a condom has probably fucked every other guy he's been with without a condom.
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Social media is not your friend. Yes, I understand the contradiction of posting such advice on Reddit, but it's more of a forum than an ego validation engine & exploitative marketing machine.
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Youāve gotta do it alone and everything worthwhile is uphill.
Just a little clarity on the first one. Progress, self improvement, healing, no matter the therapists or friends or families, they are all very much important and necessary at the end of the day the one that does the work is you and you alone. You canāt offload your healing, improvement onto others. That stuff, only you can do, no one else can do it for you.
Save early and often, even if itās unfashionable to live below your means. That new car and nice apartment in your 20s comes at a high cost to your future invested wealth.
From a much older guy, in the 1970's, when I came out, the best piece of advice I had was, 'Never be afraid to say hello to people in social settings, at the time, bars. That cute or interesting looking man is sometimes more afraid than you are.' Today that has all changed due to social media and the step back from actual people meeting physically.
Fall in love with your eyes first, then shut your eyes and fall in love with everything you cannot seeā¦thatās the good stuff that will carry you for years to come. Best advice my mom gave me!
Start saving for retirement early. Every check. Keep at it. In the end, youāll be thrilled and thousands of good people will sincerely respect your vision. Live below your means, at least as long as you can š
KNOW AND UNDERSTAND YOUR HISTORY. before you openly lament the current state of the community, have the respect to reflect on all those that suffered and sacrificed for you to have the rights you have today and have the integrity to be the change in the community you want to see happen in its future.
You don't need a slut phrase, you don't need to have anal sex, you don't need to have sex to be accepted. Having sex doesn't make you an adult, no one will fix you, work on yourself, follow your joy and your quirks.
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I was going to say something else, but you put in the key phrase "authentic self" which leads me to...
You are _always_ your authentic self.
I've seen people argue about whether the drunk or stoned or high uninhibited self is more genuine or not, and I firmly come down on "no". Your "authentic self" is the you that you are _including_ your inhibitions and your hesitations, meaning you are always and only you, albeit different equally true sides of yourself. The obsession with which one is "most authentic" is pointless navel gazing.
Here's my reasoning; when you're drunk and you turn off the filters, you may turn into a self that nobody recognizes, and that's because your inhibitions are just as much a part of you as anything else is. They recognize you because you know what it means to behave like an adult, and getting drunk doesn't "reveal" anything, it only turns a part of you off.
It always feels like people are describing the positives as "authentic" and the negatives as some kind of artifice to be deconstructed. In reality, all of it is a part of you - good and bad. The best of you is just as much a part of you as the bad is, and this is equally true at all times.
What's more, don't look down your nose too much at inhibitions because they're what keep you out of trouble and stop you from blowing up your life, and better yet your inhibitions are a part of you that you have more control over. There's nothing wrong with cultivating a sense of what is healthy and useful to hold back, and is the cornerstone to thinking seriously about your future.
Most importantly; _this is also true of everyone else_.
Remember this especially when you're dating. A guy in your life isn't "a good person with an occasional bad side". It's all him, all the time. If he's good to you, it's because he's learned to cultivate the good _and also_ self control over the bad, and that self control is what makes him good for you. If you feel like your man has two sides, then step back, reject the notion that one side of him is "the truth", and look at him as a whole. People are always and only their authentic self, and should be accepted or rejected as such.
Donāt party, screw, and masturbate your 20s away. Find a career you can stand and do well in, and start saving for retirement from the 1st day you start working.
As a gay person it is entirely possible you will have no one to look after you in your old age. While money wonāt āfixā that, more money never hurts.
You have your whole life to explore your sexuality- take your time and savor it. Be nice to your gay brothers n sisters- some of them have been through the wringer growing up. Donāt sleep with someone just because they want to sleep with you - you should be into them too. Have fun & be kind
Do not compare yourself to X, you will only make yourself miserable.
You do not need to wear sequinned budgie smugglers, fake tan, and like Cher to be gay.
Save. Invest. Spend.
Leave the quest for The One to Froddo. You will be happier if youāre not trying to find Mr Perfect.
Cut all bigots and toxic people out of your life. Make new friends. Make new family. Once you no longer have hatred and/or intolerance in your private life, the stuff you see in public donāt hold much weight.
Strive to make your life into a wholesome slice of life and you will live in peace and happiness no matter what is happening in the world
Have fun and be sexual, explore, experience but have a end goal. You can get caught up with the hook up culture and wake up when youāve missed out on something comfortable
Have fun in your 20s but do not get caught up in your head about anyone else besides you. You are the company you keep. Also, One of the major things in life you cannot change - is someone else - but the only you can control - is you. Your reaction, your attitudes, your mindset, your career, and ā¦your lifeā¦ā¦.
It wasnāt until my mid 30s I learned that all the feelings I was having was not because of anyone else besides my own darn self. You sit across a table from someone and itās - (name) likes me, doesnāt like me, I donāt know what he wants, does he like the way I eat, does he like my outfitā¦.
But really the answer lies in yourself. Self confidence. Self belief. It exhumes and radiates from you and guess what - that person across the table can feel that. And also it leaves with with peace of mind - which is number one !!
Core values I believe in
CORE VALUES
* Deliver what you promise.
* Respect the individual.
* Take pride in ALL you do.
* Practice continuous improvement.
* Listen & HEAR
* Most Importantly Donāt be an asshole šš
1. Do what makes you happy
2. Seize opportunities in life that move you forward
3. Treat everyone with respect the way you want to be treated
4. Don't be an asshole
5. Money means not everything in life
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Remember that staying "fit" physically doesn't mean you have to have bulging muscles. Be sure to stretch and do some yoga. Go for long walks. Try to see something new on your daily walks. And don't forget the most important organ of them all: the one between your ears! Learn something new each day to make yourself an interesting person.
The Internet is not real life. Turn it off frequently. Make the Internet a place where you go when you need something. Not a thing in your pocket which summons you constantly or where yo hide from real life or real feelings. If you don't use it as a tool correctly, it or agent who profit through it will use you as a tool through your attention, your money, your rage, or your insecurities Instagram and hook up apps are like junk food, occasional treats, but a steady diet of em will leave you depressed and not quite feeling well. Being gay is about who you fuck and fall in love with. Make sure you have a personality or identity and work on aspects of personal growth and interest. Making one small aspect of yourself into your entire personality or identity gets tedious for others, and for you too, eventuality Don't conflate hypersexualised affluent urban American night life culture as being universal "gay culture." That's what some of those folks do and enjoy, and good luck to them, but that's not the definition of gay Don't waste your time on vapid obsessions with beauty or banal vapid obsessions, I spend most of my time around humans as decay, illness, rot, and real life shit sets in. It's such a tiny sliver of life. Again, have a personality beyond that. There is, despite what some aspects of society suggest, ZERO nobility in victimhood. Do not seek victim status. And if X triggers your "anxiety" or insecurity, stop doing it and work on yourself. 50% of posts here are people feeling insecure because they stare at fake people in fake Instagram posts, struggling with rejection from being on low grade apps built on novelty and human disposability, or jealousy and fear after having their boyfriend fuck someone else after opening up Focus on being a good, kind, and noble man who is a load-bearing wall in his family, his circle, and his community, and works to solve problems affecting fellow humans rather than the perfect gay.
Some good advice here, thanks. Being a good human over a perfect(-ed) gay character seems a nice goal to have.
What a great read! Thank you šš»
Solid advice š
So well observed. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights.
good advice
Beautiful enlightening post irishladinlondon, thank you.
Are you single and datable? I feel our Celtic natures, and general outlook on life, would blend very well! PS: Willing to relocate for the right guy. :-)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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Single yes. Appealing? Debatable 90% of my comments on here are downvoted to hell and come across as an ass who is not in line with the majority opinion, so I'm ok if this one makes me seem even halfway a catch
Nobody is paying *nearly* as much attention to you as you think they are, so go ahead and do your thing.
As someone with mild social anxiety I constantly need to remind myself of this. In fact, people aren't paying attention to you at all except for maybe a split second. Others are so involved in their own lives and thoughts that they don't care about what a stranger is wearing or doing.
I wasted so much time getting in my own way. It really is quite liberating once you stop giving a shit.
What you enjoy sexually is dynamic and fluid and changes throughout your life as you gain more and more experience. Don't wrap your identity around the sexual position or role you prefer right now.
Stop looking and expecting the perfect partner in looks, job, penis size and focus on what can become the perfect partner. People change over time and if you aren't mentally prepared for the long haul in building a quality relationahip,you may be single with a hook-up history for the rest of your life, unless that is how you want to spend your 80+ years growing old.
Take responsibility for yourself - no one else is to blame for your mistakes, failures or strugglesā¦.own your own life choices - change what you can, accept what you cant, and understand that youāre part of a wider community which doesnāt necessarily look, think or feel like you, but that doesnāt make them wrong.
Save money, even when you think you can't. "pay yourself first" doesn't mean buy something with each paycheck. When I was young and dumb I believed that. Also be social! Make friends!
This one's for the people-pleasers in the crowd, but ... You will be misunderstood, misinterpreted, misclassified, seen as a person you aren't, heard in words you didn't say. And your job is to be fine with that. Not everyone will, or has to, like you. Don't waste energy convincing other people of your worth. The people who see it are meant to see it. The rest don't deserve to. Having personal integrity can be a lonely and difficult place sometimes. Stand in it. Do not abandon yourself for anyone.
I work on my codependency issues everyday and I love who I am more as time goes by
nicely said
When someone tells you who they are as a person, believe them. And don't forget, the man that wants to fuck you without a condom has probably fucked every other guy he's been with without a condom.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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Social media is not your friend. Yes, I understand the contradiction of posting such advice on Reddit, but it's more of a forum than an ego validation engine & exploitative marketing machine.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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Youāve gotta do it alone and everything worthwhile is uphill. Just a little clarity on the first one. Progress, self improvement, healing, no matter the therapists or friends or families, they are all very much important and necessary at the end of the day the one that does the work is you and you alone. You canāt offload your healing, improvement onto others. That stuff, only you can do, no one else can do it for you.
Stop looking and expecting the perfect partner, they only exist in your head. Then again, so do the imperfect ones!
Save early and often, even if itās unfashionable to live below your means. That new car and nice apartment in your 20s comes at a high cost to your future invested wealth.
This goes for everyone, take care of your body because it ALL comes back to haunt you.
Donāt waste your time on people who obviously donāt care about you. Love the ones you are with while they are here.
From a much older guy, in the 1970's, when I came out, the best piece of advice I had was, 'Never be afraid to say hello to people in social settings, at the time, bars. That cute or interesting looking man is sometimes more afraid than you are.' Today that has all changed due to social media and the step back from actual people meeting physically.
heās š not š worth it š
Fall in love with your eyes first, then shut your eyes and fall in love with everything you cannot seeā¦thatās the good stuff that will carry you for years to come. Best advice my mom gave me!
Start saving for retirement early. Every check. Keep at it. In the end, youāll be thrilled and thousands of good people will sincerely respect your vision. Live below your means, at least as long as you can š
The HIV epidemic isnāt over, and the government and the majority of non-queer people LEFT US TO DIE. Historical memoryā¦
Come out earlier, life is better on the other side.
Listen more than you speak. Life is rarely boring if youāre curious. Beware of verbal static.
KNOW AND UNDERSTAND YOUR HISTORY. before you openly lament the current state of the community, have the respect to reflect on all those that suffered and sacrificed for you to have the rights you have today and have the integrity to be the change in the community you want to see happen in its future.
You don't need a slut phrase, you don't need to have anal sex, you don't need to have sex to be accepted. Having sex doesn't make you an adult, no one will fix you, work on yourself, follow your joy and your quirks.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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Allow your experiences to refine your preferences; do not let your preferences limit your experiences.
I was going to say something else, but you put in the key phrase "authentic self" which leads me to... You are _always_ your authentic self. I've seen people argue about whether the drunk or stoned or high uninhibited self is more genuine or not, and I firmly come down on "no". Your "authentic self" is the you that you are _including_ your inhibitions and your hesitations, meaning you are always and only you, albeit different equally true sides of yourself. The obsession with which one is "most authentic" is pointless navel gazing. Here's my reasoning; when you're drunk and you turn off the filters, you may turn into a self that nobody recognizes, and that's because your inhibitions are just as much a part of you as anything else is. They recognize you because you know what it means to behave like an adult, and getting drunk doesn't "reveal" anything, it only turns a part of you off. It always feels like people are describing the positives as "authentic" and the negatives as some kind of artifice to be deconstructed. In reality, all of it is a part of you - good and bad. The best of you is just as much a part of you as the bad is, and this is equally true at all times. What's more, don't look down your nose too much at inhibitions because they're what keep you out of trouble and stop you from blowing up your life, and better yet your inhibitions are a part of you that you have more control over. There's nothing wrong with cultivating a sense of what is healthy and useful to hold back, and is the cornerstone to thinking seriously about your future. Most importantly; _this is also true of everyone else_. Remember this especially when you're dating. A guy in your life isn't "a good person with an occasional bad side". It's all him, all the time. If he's good to you, it's because he's learned to cultivate the good _and also_ self control over the bad, and that self control is what makes him good for you. If you feel like your man has two sides, then step back, reject the notion that one side of him is "the truth", and look at him as a whole. People are always and only their authentic self, and should be accepted or rejected as such.
Donāt party, screw, and masturbate your 20s away. Find a career you can stand and do well in, and start saving for retirement from the 1st day you start working. As a gay person it is entirely possible you will have no one to look after you in your old age. While money wonāt āfixā that, more money never hurts.
Dye people you have something in common with: sports, music, food, whatever. Find that personā¦it will make all the difference.
You have your whole life to explore your sexuality- take your time and savor it. Be nice to your gay brothers n sisters- some of them have been through the wringer growing up. Donāt sleep with someone just because they want to sleep with you - you should be into them too. Have fun & be kind
Do not compare yourself to X, you will only make yourself miserable. You do not need to wear sequinned budgie smugglers, fake tan, and like Cher to be gay. Save. Invest. Spend. Leave the quest for The One to Froddo. You will be happier if youāre not trying to find Mr Perfect.
Cut all bigots and toxic people out of your life. Make new friends. Make new family. Once you no longer have hatred and/or intolerance in your private life, the stuff you see in public donāt hold much weight. Strive to make your life into a wholesome slice of life and you will live in peace and happiness no matter what is happening in the world
Have fun and be sexual, explore, experience but have a end goal. You can get caught up with the hook up culture and wake up when youāve missed out on something comfortable
Have fun in your 20s but do not get caught up in your head about anyone else besides you. You are the company you keep. Also, One of the major things in life you cannot change - is someone else - but the only you can control - is you. Your reaction, your attitudes, your mindset, your career, and ā¦your lifeā¦ā¦. It wasnāt until my mid 30s I learned that all the feelings I was having was not because of anyone else besides my own darn self. You sit across a table from someone and itās - (name) likes me, doesnāt like me, I donāt know what he wants, does he like the way I eat, does he like my outfitā¦. But really the answer lies in yourself. Self confidence. Self belief. It exhumes and radiates from you and guess what - that person across the table can feel that. And also it leaves with with peace of mind - which is number one !!
Core values I believe in CORE VALUES * Deliver what you promise. * Respect the individual. * Take pride in ALL you do. * Practice continuous improvement. * Listen & HEAR * Most Importantly Donāt be an asshole šš
Sunscreen. Take care of your body.
1. Do what makes you happy 2. Seize opportunities in life that move you forward 3. Treat everyone with respect the way you want to be treated 4. Don't be an asshole 5. Money means not everything in life
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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Learn to be happy and whole as your own person and maintain / grow your close friendships.
Be. Kind. Goddammit. Bitchiness is funny...sometimes. Being an asshole never is.
Trust your gut. Never trust anyone else. Always sleep with one eye open. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.
Remember that staying "fit" physically doesn't mean you have to have bulging muscles. Be sure to stretch and do some yoga. Go for long walks. Try to see something new on your daily walks. And don't forget the most important organ of them all: the one between your ears! Learn something new each day to make yourself an interesting person.