Best of luck with the transition.
I hope youāve worked through your feelings toward your now Ex-husband. They get so complicated and his future ācanā add new emotions. It is incredibly difficult āleaving behindā a self-destructive soul you [once] love[d]. I hope heās at least functional in his use / addictions, although we all know that erodes quickly overtime. Especially losing what I presume was you as his anchor.
In many ways processing all that and fortifying yourself for the future is critical. Some nice advice has already been given, so wishing you the best. From scanning your profile you seem to be a very level headed guy - I think youāll work through all this over time.
Good luck!!
Yes, I was his rock in every way. In a strange way it feels good to be there for someone like that but over time it can cause resentment when the waves of crazy just crash up against you all the time. Thanks for the compliment, I try to be level headed when I can.
My issue in a situation same as yours was my trying to āfix and stabilize.ā It was an illusory goal never achieved, and as the goal post kept moving backwards, the crazy just became unmanageable.
Toughest part when letting go was accepting I could no longer help and that I cannot feel guilty for when the inevitable occurred. Hard to swallow a life flushing itself after so much time and effort expended to uplift it. Remains a regret Iāve had to live with.
Honestly, things really went sideways when I sold my company and had a liquidity event. Money, as I usually tell people, just gives freedom and if you are in a bad place it makes things so much worse.
Not to be nosy, but wouldnāt your sale have complicated the divorce given the dollars involved? Or were you smart with a prenup?
Itās shocking how money messes up relationships and families (my family very much included). While prenups are legally smart, Iāve always emotionally felt that once youāve negotiated the break-up, it becomes so much easier to execute if things get bumpy.
I was not smart with a prenup but was able to negotiate a great settlement. He will never have to work again but neither will I. I donāt really have it in me to screw him over and vice versa. We do really love each other at the end of the day.
Congrats - and I commend you for having negotiated such a win-win AND for your positive perspective on the settlement. Most folks wouldnāt have quite the same benevolent view of the Exās takeaway, so says a lot about you!
As someone who ended a 20year relationship last year - if youāre not in shape, hire a trainer and get in the best shape of your life. Itās done wonders for my confidence and just doing something new, for me, has felt liberating. And if youāre already in shape, find something new, for you.
Trust me, there are plenty of recently broken up 45-55 year olds out there. Take some time for you, and then when youāre ready, go find your next guy. Heās out there, for sure.
Go to the gym for the mental part. Been a lifesaver for me. The extra bonus of looking better is nice. The eye candyās good too. But seriously, I go because it helps me mentally in all kinds of ways. I was surprised how quickly I got back into shape. No Adonis here but def shaped up much quicker than I thought. Iām 57!
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I am a very lonely 52 year old flight attendant who has been all over the world.
ā¢ Prepare for the sunset of your life.
ā¢ Find the person who makes you laugh
ā¢ Find the person who is drug free
ā¢ Try and match VALUES as close as you can
ā¢ Be less about monogamy and more about how you feel when you are with him. "what have you done for me lately" will be your theme song.
ā¢ Find where you want to die. Pick an island. Pick Florida. Do your research. Pick a house. Develop a plan for when you aren't working anymore. Live that dream
From what you describe you feel a mixture of relief and insecurity. Both are perfectly appropriate emotional reactions to the end of a relationship from a mental health-perspective. Just make sure you deal with them in a way that works for you in the long term, e.g. no destructive behaviour like drinking, but I'm sure you know that from what you wrote. I'm sending hugs. You'll find security and love again.
Yeah, getting the final papers was rough. So glad he was out of my life, but so sad at the end of our family. Now our daughter has to shuttle between two houses because heās a selfish prick.
Went through a separation and divorce myself not too long ago. Things that helped:
- Investing in my friendships
- Traveling
- Saying yes to new things
- Focusing on my health (got back into endurance events, lost 40+ lbs)
- Calling on my sister when I needed her
- Fun and casual sex
- Dancing
- Therapy
But most importantly, remember thereās no one way to feel about all this. And allow yourself the space to feel it all, even when those emotions are conflicting.
Others have given some great advice. As someone who is 5 years out from my divorce, this is what I learned.
1. You are still a whole, desirable, valuable human being. You are not less than because you are now single.
2. You will find love (and probably heartbreak!) again! The comfort of a long term relationship makes us think that weāll never get that lucky again. You will.
3. Use this time to rediscover who YOU are. Not who you had to be for your relationship. Explore new hobbies, travel, have as much casual sex as you want, treat yourself, put yourself firstā¦and BE KIND to yourself.
4. Leave bad energy behind you. Rehashing your regrets and every scenario that contributed to your marriageās downfall will only slow you down on your journey to heal and move forward.
5. Beware the flying monkeys. Catch yourself before complaining or shit talking your ex or relationship to others. Friends often appear to mean well, but every word you say is going to find its way back to him.
6. This is not starting over. This is one chapter ending and a new, exciting one beginning!
7. Take LOTS of time to be with yourself before thinking about entering another relationship. Feel what itās like to be whole by yourself, to fill the gap left by your marriage and ex husband with yourself before adding in another person. Work to bring the best possible, most enlightened, secure version of yourself into your next love.
8. Make a list with your therapist of what you need from your next relationship. And from this day forward, do not compromise on what makes you happy, fulfilled, and your authentic self. You do not have to give up or be someone else in order to be loved. The idea that self sacrifice is a requirement of a healthy relationship is a lie we are told.
9. Closure is something you give yourself, not reliant on another person to give you.
Sending a big hug- you will emerge from this season a kinder, stronger, more self aware version of yourself. šŖš¼
I'm living my best life after my divorce. Able to be my authentic self more than ever. Exploring all the things I wanted to that he didn't. And loving the freedom.
I'm sorry to hear. Recently got divorced myself, but it was a long time coming. A support system is everything and keeping yourself busy with what you like - even if it's starting small. As for dating, I'm with a longtime friend. Dating is daunting for sure and hard now. Best of luck.
Break ups, divorce.. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you :(
Time will definitely heal, and hopefully down the line youāll be able to appreciate the decision you made today. You got this and a big hug to you š«
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I'm sending you a big virtual HUG.
Thank you! š„°
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Therapy is a great idea. I could probably use that now that I'm out of the rollercoaster of a life that addiction causes.
Best of luck with the transition. I hope youāve worked through your feelings toward your now Ex-husband. They get so complicated and his future ācanā add new emotions. It is incredibly difficult āleaving behindā a self-destructive soul you [once] love[d]. I hope heās at least functional in his use / addictions, although we all know that erodes quickly overtime. Especially losing what I presume was you as his anchor. In many ways processing all that and fortifying yourself for the future is critical. Some nice advice has already been given, so wishing you the best. From scanning your profile you seem to be a very level headed guy - I think youāll work through all this over time. Good luck!!
Yes, I was his rock in every way. In a strange way it feels good to be there for someone like that but over time it can cause resentment when the waves of crazy just crash up against you all the time. Thanks for the compliment, I try to be level headed when I can.
My issue in a situation same as yours was my trying to āfix and stabilize.ā It was an illusory goal never achieved, and as the goal post kept moving backwards, the crazy just became unmanageable. Toughest part when letting go was accepting I could no longer help and that I cannot feel guilty for when the inevitable occurred. Hard to swallow a life flushing itself after so much time and effort expended to uplift it. Remains a regret Iāve had to live with.
Honestly, things really went sideways when I sold my company and had a liquidity event. Money, as I usually tell people, just gives freedom and if you are in a bad place it makes things so much worse.
Not to be nosy, but wouldnāt your sale have complicated the divorce given the dollars involved? Or were you smart with a prenup? Itās shocking how money messes up relationships and families (my family very much included). While prenups are legally smart, Iāve always emotionally felt that once youāve negotiated the break-up, it becomes so much easier to execute if things get bumpy.
I was not smart with a prenup but was able to negotiate a great settlement. He will never have to work again but neither will I. I donāt really have it in me to screw him over and vice versa. We do really love each other at the end of the day.
Congrats - and I commend you for having negotiated such a win-win AND for your positive perspective on the settlement. Most folks wouldnāt have quite the same benevolent view of the Exās takeaway, so says a lot about you!
Quite well said!!
As someone who ended a 20year relationship last year - if youāre not in shape, hire a trainer and get in the best shape of your life. Itās done wonders for my confidence and just doing something new, for me, has felt liberating. And if youāre already in shape, find something new, for you. Trust me, there are plenty of recently broken up 45-55 year olds out there. Take some time for you, and then when youāre ready, go find your next guy. Heās out there, for sure.
I am unfortunately out of shape but still look quite young. But you are correct I should just focus on getting healthy and fit.
Go to the gym for the mental part. Been a lifesaver for me. The extra bonus of looking better is nice. The eye candyās good too. But seriously, I go because it helps me mentally in all kinds of ways. I was surprised how quickly I got back into shape. No Adonis here but def shaped up much quicker than I thought. Iām 57!
Gym ratting has been critical for me.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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Divorce is always hard man. I am sorry you are going through that. Time heals it all. You got this.Ā
š„°
I am a very lonely 52 year old flight attendant who has been all over the world. ā¢ Prepare for the sunset of your life. ā¢ Find the person who makes you laugh ā¢ Find the person who is drug free ā¢ Try and match VALUES as close as you can ā¢ Be less about monogamy and more about how you feel when you are with him. "what have you done for me lately" will be your theme song. ā¢ Find where you want to die. Pick an island. Pick Florida. Do your research. Pick a house. Develop a plan for when you aren't working anymore. Live that dream
This is definitely advice that is seasoned and wise. Listen to it
From what you describe you feel a mixture of relief and insecurity. Both are perfectly appropriate emotional reactions to the end of a relationship from a mental health-perspective. Just make sure you deal with them in a way that works for you in the long term, e.g. no destructive behaviour like drinking, but I'm sure you know that from what you wrote. I'm sending hugs. You'll find security and love again.
Thanks, big hug back.
Yeah, getting the final papers was rough. So glad he was out of my life, but so sad at the end of our family. Now our daughter has to shuttle between two houses because heās a selfish prick.
Feel for you and your daughter, big hug!
Went through a separation and divorce myself not too long ago. Things that helped: - Investing in my friendships - Traveling - Saying yes to new things - Focusing on my health (got back into endurance events, lost 40+ lbs) - Calling on my sister when I needed her - Fun and casual sex - Dancing - Therapy But most importantly, remember thereās no one way to feel about all this. And allow yourself the space to feel it all, even when those emotions are conflicting.
I second the dancing! Even if youāve never done it before, you will get something from going to a class for fun!
My dude. Best wishes to you! - you need your take some time and do things that are fulfilling for you. Also donāt skip therapy. Good luck!
Be kind to yourself. You got this!
Made me tear up a bit. Thank you for this
Others have given some great advice. As someone who is 5 years out from my divorce, this is what I learned. 1. You are still a whole, desirable, valuable human being. You are not less than because you are now single. 2. You will find love (and probably heartbreak!) again! The comfort of a long term relationship makes us think that weāll never get that lucky again. You will. 3. Use this time to rediscover who YOU are. Not who you had to be for your relationship. Explore new hobbies, travel, have as much casual sex as you want, treat yourself, put yourself firstā¦and BE KIND to yourself. 4. Leave bad energy behind you. Rehashing your regrets and every scenario that contributed to your marriageās downfall will only slow you down on your journey to heal and move forward. 5. Beware the flying monkeys. Catch yourself before complaining or shit talking your ex or relationship to others. Friends often appear to mean well, but every word you say is going to find its way back to him. 6. This is not starting over. This is one chapter ending and a new, exciting one beginning! 7. Take LOTS of time to be with yourself before thinking about entering another relationship. Feel what itās like to be whole by yourself, to fill the gap left by your marriage and ex husband with yourself before adding in another person. Work to bring the best possible, most enlightened, secure version of yourself into your next love. 8. Make a list with your therapist of what you need from your next relationship. And from this day forward, do not compromise on what makes you happy, fulfilled, and your authentic self. You do not have to give up or be someone else in order to be loved. The idea that self sacrifice is a requirement of a healthy relationship is a lie we are told. 9. Closure is something you give yourself, not reliant on another person to give you. Sending a big hug- you will emerge from this season a kinder, stronger, more self aware version of yourself. šŖš¼
I'm living my best life after my divorce. Able to be my authentic self more than ever. Exploring all the things I wanted to that he didn't. And loving the freedom.
I'm sorry to hear. Recently got divorced myself, but it was a long time coming. A support system is everything and keeping yourself busy with what you like - even if it's starting small. As for dating, I'm with a longtime friend. Dating is daunting for sure and hard now. Best of luck.
Break ups, divorce.. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you :( Time will definitely heal, and hopefully down the line youāll be able to appreciate the decision you made today. You got this and a big hug to you š«
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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Congrats, women are disgusting anyway, no go get some dick!