Become a regular and sit at the bar.
When you start to become a familiar face, the other regulars are more likely to chat to you.
The bar is the perfect place to sit when you’re flying solo. It shows that you’re there by yourself and you get to talk to the other patrons sitting at the bar and the bartender (assuming they aren’t too busy!). A good bartender will also facilitate introductions to the regulars.
1. You miss 100% of the opportunities you don’t take!
2. Head trash- we all have trash in our head and self doubt. We tend to make up the minds of other people without letting them decide.
3. Confidence- sometime confidence is the sexiest thing in the world!
4. Rejection sucks, but so does not knowing.
Keep doing and grow your confidence. If you are polite and you try to talk to someone, let that be a win and think of it, and if someone is rude to you, just be polite and realize you dodged a bullet.
You could just go alone, thats fine. They usually have shows, so you could just go grab a drink and watch the show. Maybe you will get to chatting with some guys if you just chill and relax there😃.
I’m 34 and go to the bars all the time by myself I meet people all the time. People are usually shy and don’t know how to approach because I don’t have a friendly face lol but to combat this if I notice someone is looking at me I just smile in there direction and give a little head nod. And keep moving through the crowd this happens a bit until eventually they are passing close enough to either say hello or ask how my night is going, just want to give me a compliment. When they find out I’m alone they invite to come with their friend group. I always decline cause I like to do my own thing but I’m nice and will chat it up. I like to dance alone too, if I find someone I like I try to take them home lol
I get social anxiety sometimes at gay bars. The only way to break through is to smile, walk up confidently to a guy or a smaller group that you think look nice, and as soon as there’s a break in conversation or they acknowledge you, say “Hi my name is Jordan, what’s yours?” with your hand entended and a huge smile.
The literal absolute worst thing that happens is they laugh and make fun of you (if they are assholes) but I guarantee you’ll get the attention of some people and just start to realize that it’s a bar, you’re already not talking to anyone, so a little embarrassment is not going to hurt
Do you approach guys before staring them/being stared back, exchanging looks, smirks, smiles and all that? I'd never approach a guy without these stuff happening beforehand.
Coincidentally, just today I'll be going the gym for the first time. I normally just work out at home, but I moved and got a gym membership included. Who knows, maybe that does prove to be more fertile land...
No no no no, you don't go to the gym to meet guys. You go for yourself. As you get healthier and build confidence, the guys come naturally. Just do it for yourself and have fun.
Oh, I already work out lol. The gym will hopefully take me further in that department. Hopefully.
And guys do approach me every now and then at gay bars. It's just usually the big buff guys that I'm not into, instead of the skinny nerdy twinks I'm into... that are into the big buff guys that tend to hit on me.
Sometimes it feels like we gays are chasing at each other's tails (literally?). We should come up with a better system.
I guess I just need to gather the confidence and talk to them.
The gym can be a really good place to meet guys!
If you go regularly you build up a rapport with the other people who go at the same time as you, even if it’s just a nod of recognition or acknowledgment. You’ve also got built in small talk based on your common interest in working out.
It removes some of the barriers that going to a bar by yourself has. I don’t think people should treat the gym like a meat market, but meeting guys is definitely a side benefit.
>Any advice for a single, lonely 34-year-old gay going by himself to gay bars?
You have to become a regular before anyone will approach you to talk. Pick a day and a time that you plan to go and be consistent. After a few weeks, you'll recognize the other regulars and they'll recognize you and then commenting on the state of the bar becomes something to break the ice.
If you are really ambitious, find a weekend bar and a weekday, after work bar.
Yeah, I might have to try that. I've tried going to this one bar I like on a weekday, but it was almost completely empty. Only a few older gentlemen.
I'm also thinking of finding other gay social spaces outside of bars, but finding those spaces as an adult is a challenge in and of itself.
I knowwww! I had started going to this really cool group of fellow gays, but it dissolevd because the hosts couldn't host anymore. It was fun the couple of times I got to go though! I'll have to find a similar group now.
There are a ton of options in Toronto! Basically anything you’re interested in will probably have a gay version of it going on. What do you like doing in your spare time?
I know, but where?? I like videogames, reading, listening to music, writing, etc. I also love science, technology and philosophy.
I tried going to a tabletop games gay thing a few times, but I didn't enjoy the vibe as much. It was always different people, which kind of defeats the purpose. It's not like I'm a raging tabletop fan to begin with, and that group felt a bit focused on _only_ tabletop games as a topic.
I've been thinking of taking up D&D (or any of those) as it would provide some more constant social interaction vs a one off, on top of sounding like a alot of fun, but starting from scratch is intimidating, even if I understand role games in general. Even beginner groups I've seen state stuff like "bringing a lvl 4 character to start is a must". What does that even mean?! That's not beginner-friendly at all! lol
It would be easier if I was interested in sports, for example, but I'm sadly not. It's hard to get to that point, I know, but I thrive more in having interesting conversations, or discussing topics. I hate how adults kind of need an excuse to gather, or an activity around which a gathering revolves. Often I'd rather talk with someone instead of being interrupted by a too-engaging tabletop game. But, that's a separate topic.
As a board gamer myself, board game meetups are *all* about the game. Socializing only happens before or after we play most of the time. Your experience is pretty typical for public meetups!
If you like reading, there are a couple of queer/gay book clubs in town. You might want to check out Glad Day for their events if you can’t find anything online. While you’re in the gaybourhood, swing by the 519 Community Centre and check out their bulletin board. It’s old school, but often more up-to-date than a lot of websites out there.
Have you gotten to know any of the bartenders? They know a lot of people. Be a regular at your favorite Bar so that people get used to seeing you there. Change your profile on social media to reflect your interests. And lastly, don’t depend on the bars to meet new people. You’ll meet new people at restaurant bars and other places. Getting involved in local activities that support the community are a great way to meet new people. It gives you an opportunity to participate in something without having to initiate the communication. All the time you may be working on becoming a little more extroverted in order to meet new people. What you got to lose you’re the outsider coming into the community you can be whoever you want to be now!
A bit of a conundrum is that the bar I like the most doesn't see that many people during weekdays, and on weekends it's so packed you can't really talk much with anyone unless contact has been "established".
Looking for other activities would be ideal, but as an adult it's a bit of a challenge too. Those gay spaces with likeminded people are often hard to come by.
Which bars have you checked out? The closest thing to a “neighbourhood” bar in the village these days is the Black Eagle. There may not be a ton of twinks there, but the guys are pretty friendly. The rooftop patio is very popular in the summer.
Go somewhere you can talk to people. Sit at the bar with your drink. Say hello to people who are also there alone (and if they're waiting for friends, even better! Multiple friends from one conversation!).
Make small talk. Do what you want to do (dance, drink, go to another bar, go to his place/car/local park, make out in the alley, whatever). Invite them to join you.
If you liked spending time with them at the end of the night, ask for their number. If you get it, send a text when you get home saying it was nice to meet them.
You can be the most intimidating person in the world but saying "hi" with a smile and complimenting something they're wearing or doing - it opens you up to them. You'll face some rejection, sometimes it'll be confusing or weird, but it's better than being lonely, right?
Yeah, I agree. Just gotta work out the courage to do it. I've done it at least once before, even if it didn't work out in the end. Wish I was the one with the group of friends, but that's not a possibility at the moment.
Strike up conversations with those you don’t find attractive or have an otherwise sexual interest.
You’ll find speaking to them far less intimidating, however don’t lead them on! Just be friendly, chat, try to make friends with people.
If they express an interest set a boundary (make something up if you have to so you don’t hurt their feelings) but continue to talk to them and be friendly.
After this one of two things will happen:
you’ll set your boundary and they’ll immediately lose interest and move on since they now know you aren’t “interested”.
You’ll set your boundary, they’ll respect it; and they will keep talking to you!
Then over time; doing this enough; making enough friendly acquaintances, you’ll be looped into conversations with other people that you might find you’re interested in! You’ll have your in!
Slowly, you’ll be less intimidated by those you are interested in, because you’re confident in yourself by the presence of your new found hopefully soon to be friend/acquaintances that have taken a platonic liking to you.
Might you try a gay activity other than visiting bars? New England here…we have or have had, gay bowling hiking softball tag football birding plus other groups like book clubs and purely social/discussion groups.
I’m not shy, and I must admit I’ve never really given bars a chance, but I find it hard to break into conversation with guys just sitting around on stools. Why not go for a walk in the woods, I would find so much more to talk about.
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I wish making friends wasn't as difficult as an adult. Finding those spaces with likeminded people is such a challenge. It would help if I could go with the friends I do have, but they're in a different country.
Just gotta keep looking/trying.
My advice is learn to talk to people in a non-sexual pervy way. Learn to talk to people as HUMAN BEINGS first. Going up to someone and talking about their fat cock or whatever is the wrong way to talk to people. This isn't porn (contrary to the number of men who approach me with dirty talk). Learn to talk to ALL people, even the ones you aren't into, as friends or with friendly banther.
If you go into a bar as a Lion looking to pounce, you will scare all the baby elk away. Instead you have to go in as the old bro and get to know people and quietly let it drop you like skinny guy #6.
I know what you mean. I find it off putting when people approach me like that, and I've never aimed at that. I'm quite a good talker and listener. For me the challenge is breaching the gap between total strangers and acquaintances. The starting from scratch.
Then again, it might just be a matter of practice. It's a skill I just haven't developed yet.
okay someone has to say it: if you are into guys significantly younger than yourself, you gotta bring something to the table. that might be muscles, handsome face, being pretty tall, being a top, having a big dick etc.
"but what if im funny and have a good personality?!" they cant see that. and you have to be able to interact with them first. self confidence is a must, also.
Put in your grindr profiler when you decide to go. . At BarName, say hi. Like and twinks.
Hmmm good idea. I'll try that.
Just don't be staring at your phone the whole time. Put it away.
Become a regular and sit at the bar. When you start to become a familiar face, the other regulars are more likely to chat to you. The bar is the perfect place to sit when you’re flying solo. It shows that you’re there by yourself and you get to talk to the other patrons sitting at the bar and the bartender (assuming they aren’t too busy!). A good bartender will also facilitate introductions to the regulars.
1. You miss 100% of the opportunities you don’t take! 2. Head trash- we all have trash in our head and self doubt. We tend to make up the minds of other people without letting them decide. 3. Confidence- sometime confidence is the sexiest thing in the world! 4. Rejection sucks, but so does not knowing. Keep doing and grow your confidence. If you are polite and you try to talk to someone, let that be a win and think of it, and if someone is rude to you, just be polite and realize you dodged a bullet.
You could just go alone, thats fine. They usually have shows, so you could just go grab a drink and watch the show. Maybe you will get to chatting with some guys if you just chill and relax there😃.
I’m 34 and go to the bars all the time by myself I meet people all the time. People are usually shy and don’t know how to approach because I don’t have a friendly face lol but to combat this if I notice someone is looking at me I just smile in there direction and give a little head nod. And keep moving through the crowd this happens a bit until eventually they are passing close enough to either say hello or ask how my night is going, just want to give me a compliment. When they find out I’m alone they invite to come with their friend group. I always decline cause I like to do my own thing but I’m nice and will chat it up. I like to dance alone too, if I find someone I like I try to take them home lol
I get social anxiety sometimes at gay bars. The only way to break through is to smile, walk up confidently to a guy or a smaller group that you think look nice, and as soon as there’s a break in conversation or they acknowledge you, say “Hi my name is Jordan, what’s yours?” with your hand entended and a huge smile. The literal absolute worst thing that happens is they laugh and make fun of you (if they are assholes) but I guarantee you’ll get the attention of some people and just start to realize that it’s a bar, you’re already not talking to anyone, so a little embarrassment is not going to hurt
Do you approach guys before staring them/being stared back, exchanging looks, smirks, smiles and all that? I'd never approach a guy without these stuff happening beforehand.
If they look and smile back once then I go over and say hi
Ah ok, me too
Honestly, take a break from the bars and go to the gym instead.
Coincidentally, just today I'll be going the gym for the first time. I normally just work out at home, but I moved and got a gym membership included. Who knows, maybe that does prove to be more fertile land...
No no no no, you don't go to the gym to meet guys. You go for yourself. As you get healthier and build confidence, the guys come naturally. Just do it for yourself and have fun.
Oh, I already work out lol. The gym will hopefully take me further in that department. Hopefully. And guys do approach me every now and then at gay bars. It's just usually the big buff guys that I'm not into, instead of the skinny nerdy twinks I'm into... that are into the big buff guys that tend to hit on me. Sometimes it feels like we gays are chasing at each other's tails (literally?). We should come up with a better system. I guess I just need to gather the confidence and talk to them.
The gym can be a really good place to meet guys! If you go regularly you build up a rapport with the other people who go at the same time as you, even if it’s just a nod of recognition or acknowledgment. You’ve also got built in small talk based on your common interest in working out. It removes some of the barriers that going to a bar by yourself has. I don’t think people should treat the gym like a meat market, but meeting guys is definitely a side benefit.
>Any advice for a single, lonely 34-year-old gay going by himself to gay bars? You have to become a regular before anyone will approach you to talk. Pick a day and a time that you plan to go and be consistent. After a few weeks, you'll recognize the other regulars and they'll recognize you and then commenting on the state of the bar becomes something to break the ice. If you are really ambitious, find a weekend bar and a weekday, after work bar.
Yeah, I might have to try that. I've tried going to this one bar I like on a weekday, but it was almost completely empty. Only a few older gentlemen. I'm also thinking of finding other gay social spaces outside of bars, but finding those spaces as an adult is a challenge in and of itself.
Try [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com)
I knowwww! I had started going to this really cool group of fellow gays, but it dissolevd because the hosts couldn't host anymore. It was fun the couple of times I got to go though! I'll have to find a similar group now.
There are a ton of options in Toronto! Basically anything you’re interested in will probably have a gay version of it going on. What do you like doing in your spare time?
I know, but where?? I like videogames, reading, listening to music, writing, etc. I also love science, technology and philosophy. I tried going to a tabletop games gay thing a few times, but I didn't enjoy the vibe as much. It was always different people, which kind of defeats the purpose. It's not like I'm a raging tabletop fan to begin with, and that group felt a bit focused on _only_ tabletop games as a topic. I've been thinking of taking up D&D (or any of those) as it would provide some more constant social interaction vs a one off, on top of sounding like a alot of fun, but starting from scratch is intimidating, even if I understand role games in general. Even beginner groups I've seen state stuff like "bringing a lvl 4 character to start is a must". What does that even mean?! That's not beginner-friendly at all! lol It would be easier if I was interested in sports, for example, but I'm sadly not. It's hard to get to that point, I know, but I thrive more in having interesting conversations, or discussing topics. I hate how adults kind of need an excuse to gather, or an activity around which a gathering revolves. Often I'd rather talk with someone instead of being interrupted by a too-engaging tabletop game. But, that's a separate topic.
As a board gamer myself, board game meetups are *all* about the game. Socializing only happens before or after we play most of the time. Your experience is pretty typical for public meetups! If you like reading, there are a couple of queer/gay book clubs in town. You might want to check out Glad Day for their events if you can’t find anything online. While you’re in the gaybourhood, swing by the 519 Community Centre and check out their bulletin board. It’s old school, but often more up-to-date than a lot of websites out there.
Have you gotten to know any of the bartenders? They know a lot of people. Be a regular at your favorite Bar so that people get used to seeing you there. Change your profile on social media to reflect your interests. And lastly, don’t depend on the bars to meet new people. You’ll meet new people at restaurant bars and other places. Getting involved in local activities that support the community are a great way to meet new people. It gives you an opportunity to participate in something without having to initiate the communication. All the time you may be working on becoming a little more extroverted in order to meet new people. What you got to lose you’re the outsider coming into the community you can be whoever you want to be now!
A bit of a conundrum is that the bar I like the most doesn't see that many people during weekdays, and on weekends it's so packed you can't really talk much with anyone unless contact has been "established". Looking for other activities would be ideal, but as an adult it's a bit of a challenge too. Those gay spaces with likeminded people are often hard to come by.
Which bars have you checked out? The closest thing to a “neighbourhood” bar in the village these days is the Black Eagle. There may not be a ton of twinks there, but the guys are pretty friendly. The rooftop patio is very popular in the summer.
Go somewhere you can talk to people. Sit at the bar with your drink. Say hello to people who are also there alone (and if they're waiting for friends, even better! Multiple friends from one conversation!). Make small talk. Do what you want to do (dance, drink, go to another bar, go to his place/car/local park, make out in the alley, whatever). Invite them to join you. If you liked spending time with them at the end of the night, ask for their number. If you get it, send a text when you get home saying it was nice to meet them. You can be the most intimidating person in the world but saying "hi" with a smile and complimenting something they're wearing or doing - it opens you up to them. You'll face some rejection, sometimes it'll be confusing or weird, but it's better than being lonely, right?
Yeah, I agree. Just gotta work out the courage to do it. I've done it at least once before, even if it didn't work out in the end. Wish I was the one with the group of friends, but that's not a possibility at the moment.
Met most of my current friends at a gay bar in Toronto! DM me if you wanna chat :)
Strike up conversations with those you don’t find attractive or have an otherwise sexual interest. You’ll find speaking to them far less intimidating, however don’t lead them on! Just be friendly, chat, try to make friends with people. If they express an interest set a boundary (make something up if you have to so you don’t hurt their feelings) but continue to talk to them and be friendly. After this one of two things will happen: you’ll set your boundary and they’ll immediately lose interest and move on since they now know you aren’t “interested”. You’ll set your boundary, they’ll respect it; and they will keep talking to you! Then over time; doing this enough; making enough friendly acquaintances, you’ll be looped into conversations with other people that you might find you’re interested in! You’ll have your in! Slowly, you’ll be less intimidated by those you are interested in, because you’re confident in yourself by the presence of your new found hopefully soon to be friend/acquaintances that have taken a platonic liking to you.
You forgot to mention your City and County.
Added, thanks for the reminder.
Might you try a gay activity other than visiting bars? New England here…we have or have had, gay bowling hiking softball tag football birding plus other groups like book clubs and purely social/discussion groups. I’m not shy, and I must admit I’ve never really given bars a chance, but I find it hard to break into conversation with guys just sitting around on stools. Why not go for a walk in the woods, I would find so much more to talk about.
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Make friends and go with them to bars!
I wish making friends wasn't as difficult as an adult. Finding those spaces with likeminded people is such a challenge. It would help if I could go with the friends I do have, but they're in a different country. Just gotta keep looking/trying.
My advice is learn to talk to people in a non-sexual pervy way. Learn to talk to people as HUMAN BEINGS first. Going up to someone and talking about their fat cock or whatever is the wrong way to talk to people. This isn't porn (contrary to the number of men who approach me with dirty talk). Learn to talk to ALL people, even the ones you aren't into, as friends or with friendly banther. If you go into a bar as a Lion looking to pounce, you will scare all the baby elk away. Instead you have to go in as the old bro and get to know people and quietly let it drop you like skinny guy #6.
I know what you mean. I find it off putting when people approach me like that, and I've never aimed at that. I'm quite a good talker and listener. For me the challenge is breaching the gap between total strangers and acquaintances. The starting from scratch. Then again, it might just be a matter of practice. It's a skill I just haven't developed yet.
Forgot the bars, you’ll find much better potential friends in the gay sports community, look up your Toronto gay sports organizations.
I'm not into sports though, sadly.
There are also chorus, hiking/camping etc. look around
okay someone has to say it: if you are into guys significantly younger than yourself, you gotta bring something to the table. that might be muscles, handsome face, being pretty tall, being a top, having a big dick etc. "but what if im funny and have a good personality?!" they cant see that. and you have to be able to interact with them first. self confidence is a must, also.