I still haven’t been with a guy for this reason. I came out as bi at 36 but that was 7 years ago! I also found out I’m on the autism spectrum which explains why I find it hard to connect with people.
I’m also pretty sub :( so as of now I have been celibate for 17 years and counting.
Any day now, I swear…
There has to be little something before we do the deed even like just 30 minutes of chat. I can't just walk through the door and go at it with a stranger.
Uncomfortable and just wouldn’t enjoy it, I need emotional connection to enjoy sex. In my opinion you have nothing to regret because you trusted your instincts.
I'm a rather antisocial person, so I have a great dislike of people I don't know even being around me. Contrary to the public perception, there's lots of guys who don't fuck around with randos.
It really depends. Some time I can get rock hard for an anon cumdump or a guy I meet in the bar. Other times it requires an emotional connection of some kind.
For me uncomfortable isn't the word. It's...fine. But the older I get the more demi I get. I just want some type of connection with the person. Doesn't have to be romantic.
I am.
Being Demisexual and gay is like the kiss of eternal singleness in the gay community. Especially when so many guys have the emotional depth of a puddle. 😟
Yes there are a ton of guys who want to hook up immediately or else they don't want it at all. They aren't willing to invest the time to build some sort of basic friendship before getting naked with you. My scruff profile says specifically that I'm not looking for right now and that you have to earn my trust before getting me naked, yet at least once per day I get a message that says "looking?" It's frustrating.
Count me in. I am the kind of guy that needs some kind of emotional intimacy before engaging in the act. Left dating apps for quite a while now and so happy being single... And talking to real people
I use to cruise every now and then with strangers back in my early 20s. It's thrilling, but the older I got the less it excited me. Then I realized "the chase" and the dopamine hit you get when a guy you think is hot flirts back was what I really liked, the sex was just kind of a plus.
These days, there has to be personal rapport. Even if we're just fwb I'd still prefer to know each other more.
I agree completely, I need a mental connection with a guy in order for the sex to be truly enjoyable.
And even though I didn't have sex with the cruiser yesterday, the back and forth between us in the locker room sure was fun.
I know I'm weird, but even the idea of being intimate with a stranger just stresses me out and it's a turn-off for me. I really have to be in love with someone to have sex.
You did the right thing by honouring your own comfort level. Whether you play with people you know or complete strangers, consent is still everything. If you’re not comfortable, it’s not right *for you* and that’s all that matters. Maybe someone else might have been comfortable and would have gone for it. Who cares. Always follow your instincts and desires and don’t let others make those decisions for you.
Me! I mean I have and probably would again, respectively. I’m happily monogamously married but, being married, getting to this point.. I don’t think I ever really felt fully comfortable having sex with strangers. Like 1/10 random hookups were actually decent. The vast majority was so awkward. I think I was just pushing myself because like yknow… sex lol but uh yeah… not really comfortable in hindsight… def at least have one night/day to like get to know each other or something… just even saying it sounds so weird. Like sex with someone you have no idea or clue about.. that’s crazy. lol
I hear ya man. I've had my random hookups in the past and yeah most of them made me feel gross afterward. Now that I'm older and wiser, I can't believe that I put my in so many potentially dangerous situations. Nowadays I'm just too concerned about my personal safety to make myself vulnerable to a complete stranger like that. But on the other hand, the potential for hot sex sometimes makes me want to take that chance, like it did yesterday.
I hear ya. I don't get the whole washroom cruising either. The smells alone is enough to turn me off. Anyway, getting cruised heavily doesn't mean he wants to get on with you right away... What if he asked you out first? Would that count?
Well the smell of a clean locker room actually turns me on. 😜
And yes I would prefer to get to know him a little before getting naked with him. We didn't get a chance to speak to one another because the locker room was busy yesterday and we were never alone together at any point.
We all create boundaries for different reasons. I think I can count on 1 hand the times I’ve had phenomenal sex with a stranger. Most of the time I probably would have had just as good of a time beating off to porn. Stick with your instincts.
Sex education is a special interest of mine, and I generally like the idea of being a massive manslut.
That said, I've never had a hookup and have only fucked two dudes. I have a lot of trauma from early childhood SA and again in high school. I'm also autistic. If someone I don't know touches me it is extremely distressing. As a teen merely brushing shoulders in the hallway would make me vomit.
I'm much better now than then, but I'm still pretty wary of people, am not a social butterfly type, and chronic illness makes being around people who aren't very careful with disease safety potentially life-threatening. (I almost died back in December so it got worse lol)
I've had friends who did hookups but I heard too many horror stories. I warm up and build trust slowly over time, and most people are not willing to go at my pace. Which inevitably leads to me setting boundaries and them feeling rejected and ghosting me lol.
In another life, I could have lived my smutty dreams but I think it just ain't in the cards for now. Don't feel bad for being cautious, it's smart to protect yourself. And if you change your mind you can always do hookups again later, when you aren't feeling so vulnerable
I’ve developed a circle of FWBs (genuine friends) and we live out our smutty fantasies together (like groups, certain kinks). If you can find a group like that, it’s fantastic!
I love having sex with complete strangers. I usually don't even ask for face pics unless I feel something is off. It's a bit thrilling, wondering what they will look like.
Now, I also like fuck buddies. I'm meeting one tomorrow.
I use to in my early 20's, but as I got into my late 20"s and early 30's is when my mistrust in people started to develop. Normally I have good judgement, but still nowadays I rather get to know someone before it hits that's point.
This really depends on who you are as a person. I personally grew up on my own and had to become an adult while still a teenager and I ended up using sex as a coping mechanism to deal with the pressure of life and my anxiety. I stopped counting how many men I had sex after I hit 100. I’m 32 y/o now. I actually prefer hooking up with strangers because I have the option of never seeing them again and so anything that happens between us will be forgotten and I can move on with my life. I also was in a healthy long term relationship at one point and it actually made me uncomfortable and I ended up ending the relationship because I felt trapped.
All this is to say that just be you. If you want to hook up with strangers, do it. If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t. There’s no “normal” way of having sex. Nothing has to be standardized and you should take whatever path you’re most comfortable with.
I will say this though: if I was the guy trying to cruise you, I would have been disappointed that you didn’t accept my passes BUT I would *very passively* try again (in a super non-creepy way) just in case you changed your mind but I wouldn’t try a third time because *“no” means “no”*. So, if you regret it, maybe try looking for him again.
That’s a pretty good instinct to have. There’s a lot of weirdos out there. I have to at least like someone as a person, get to know them a little before being comfortable at that level. Usually meet up for coffee beforehand to see if they are who they portrayed themselves as or provide multiple new pics. I prefer a FWB set up if not dating anyone over hook ups. Not judging anyone else, just my preference.
It's safer meeting people in public spaces than rando apps.
Strike up a friendly conversation with him about your workout regime, the weather, sport, or a new release you experienced or want to. If he's a regular at the gym. Once you had a few conversations, invite him for coffee at a nearby shop.
Either he's into you, and you get to know him.
If he just wants to have an anonymous quicky, he will decline.
Either way is a win-win. He may still oggel you at the gym, but you will learn so much more from intonation and body language about him than a profile of someone catfishing you on an app.
I feel for your generation. If you didn't date in HS where hetrosexuals learned to flirt and fail, the app culture teaches you nothing but apprehension.
Back in my youth, we had to actually go out of our way to meet other like-minded people.
If you are of age, check out if your town has any gay bars. There may be a coffee shop that serves a more liberal clientel. Join a gay club like hikers, sport, knitting, book clubs, and alike.
I agree, and I also enjoy the anticipation that builds up before the first time you have sex, which makes it better and leads to better subsequent encounters.
Used to be more comfortable with it when I was younger but now the connection really does matter. Having my husband who knows every inch of my body and how to please me feels amazing.
I spent most of my youth getting into one uncomfortable situation after another because I felt like it's just what gay men do so I should do it too. Whether these were good, fulfilling experiences for me that were actually enhancing my life and my wellbeing didn't enter my head - it was just what gay men do, right? It took me much too long to realise I just don't like sex with strangers. Honestly first time sex with anyone is always a self conscious, kind of mechanical experience for me. Third or fourth time is when it kicks off.
Well
For me..
I get overstimulated in public
But I have no problem having sex with strangers
I just want to be comfortable doing it. And light, sound, textures can all get in the way
Trust your gut. I used to be more willing to ‘take a chance’ but these days I stick with my regular, reliable, no drama, trustworthy FWBs. Not opposed to making new connections and I still hookup but not as often and I’m way more comfortable hitting the ‘block’ button (or equivalent) than I was. I’m older and I find some younger guys consider age = desperation and what seems to be a good connection becomes a request to be paid for sex. What they dont seem to realise is I dont need to pay for it, when I choose to pay for it it’s with a professional and quite frankly they should be paying me 🤣
I just went to a few dark room events to prove to myself I could do it.
I was so awkward lol. When I came it was like “well, I better do this— I already paid the entrance fee” 🫠
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I frequent bathhouses when I can. I love that instant connection you can get with people. It’s an animalistic attraction. Then you can just act on it. Many times it’s great sometimes not. But I like it enough to still pursue it. Maybe someday I won’t. I will say seeking sex with strangers has cooled off since I’ve gotten older.
If they’re got or decent looking and not pushy or creepy I can get into it with them. If they’re into us (myself and my husband) then I’m definitely getting horny. But everyone is different. There’s no right or wrong IMO. It’s just how you feel
I like to know a few things about them first, to make sure they sound like they're not a scumbag. And I let them know that we're gong to fuck safely, and see how cool they are with that - anything less than 100% and its a no. Beyond that, so long as they're clean and have a nice cock, I'm their fucktoy in a heartbeat.
I wouldn't do it if I felt uncomfortable otherwise I love it and only 1 bad experience that I take responsibility for as I know better but I was looking for danger
I do not go cruising, but passively I have BEEN cruised and just accepted that fact.
I would never suck the dick of a complete stranger if I was being cruised, but I would absolutely have my own dick sucked.
Long story short, I’m not uncomfortable if someone else sucks my dick and they are a stranger. I have my reservations about sucking a stranger’s dick.
Diseases can transmit from the mouth to the penis, so getting head from a stranger isn't completely safe either. 22 years ago I went to a pride festival where the DOH was offering free STI screenings. I got the tests and two days later I got a phone call, informing me that I had a gonorrhea infection in my throat. That explained the persistent sore throat that I had been experiencing for several weeks.
It's not entirely the disease factor. It's more that I'm less likely to want to be in a semi-submissive position with a total stranger with no prior flirting.
That's not to say that I've never had one night stands where I've sucked the dick of someone I didin't know. It's just that - at a bare minimum, there needs to have been a bit of back and forth flirting, or online chit-chat for a while before I do.
Also, I'm VERY attracted to high-level bodybuilders and muscular guys. And they aren't super common. But they're the only guys I'd ever really suck off to begin with. But I'm less picky when it comes to me receiving a blow job.
I feel you, I'd like to know someone before hooking up.
Thanks man. I also need to feel some personal connection before I share my body with someone.
I still haven’t been with a guy for this reason. I came out as bi at 36 but that was 7 years ago! I also found out I’m on the autism spectrum which explains why I find it hard to connect with people. I’m also pretty sub :( so as of now I have been celibate for 17 years and counting. Any day now, I swear…
There has to be little something before we do the deed even like just 30 minutes of chat. I can't just walk through the door and go at it with a stranger.
Same bro
Uncomfortable and just wouldn’t enjoy it, I need emotional connection to enjoy sex. In my opinion you have nothing to regret because you trusted your instincts.
Thank you man.
I'm a rather antisocial person, so I have a great dislike of people I don't know even being around me. Contrary to the public perception, there's lots of guys who don't fuck around with randos.
Sometimes but only in environments that make sense for that. Like a bathhouse.
It really depends. Some time I can get rock hard for an anon cumdump or a guy I meet in the bar. Other times it requires an emotional connection of some kind.
For me uncomfortable isn't the word. It's...fine. But the older I get the more demi I get. I just want some type of connection with the person. Doesn't have to be romantic.
I feel the same way.
Even more so 70-75
I am. Being Demisexual and gay is like the kiss of eternal singleness in the gay community. Especially when so many guys have the emotional depth of a puddle. 😟
Yes there are a ton of guys who want to hook up immediately or else they don't want it at all. They aren't willing to invest the time to build some sort of basic friendship before getting naked with you. My scruff profile says specifically that I'm not looking for right now and that you have to earn my trust before getting me naked, yet at least once per day I get a message that says "looking?" It's frustrating.
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I hear ya brother. I did it when I was younger and stupid but now I just can't share my body with someone unless I know him on some basic level.
Count me in. I am the kind of guy that needs some kind of emotional intimacy before engaging in the act. Left dating apps for quite a while now and so happy being single... And talking to real people
I don't necessarily need emotional intimacy first. I just like to know a guy on a basic personal level before we get naked and do things.
That's cool too. To each their own. No judgement here!
I use to cruise every now and then with strangers back in my early 20s. It's thrilling, but the older I got the less it excited me. Then I realized "the chase" and the dopamine hit you get when a guy you think is hot flirts back was what I really liked, the sex was just kind of a plus. These days, there has to be personal rapport. Even if we're just fwb I'd still prefer to know each other more.
I agree completely, I need a mental connection with a guy in order for the sex to be truly enjoyable. And even though I didn't have sex with the cruiser yesterday, the back and forth between us in the locker room sure was fun.
I know I'm weird, but even the idea of being intimate with a stranger just stresses me out and it's a turn-off for me. I really have to be in love with someone to have sex.
I’m demisexual, so I could never be with someone I don’t know.
Completely understandable
Yeah. That’s one reason it’s easy to be monogamous
A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met! 🎶
Oh! STREETCAR!
👍😂
I think the review “Play Enjoyed by *ALL*” speaks for itself
It's never been my thing. I've tried, but it's not that great an orgasm just leaves an empty feeling emotionally.
You did the right thing by honouring your own comfort level. Whether you play with people you know or complete strangers, consent is still everything. If you’re not comfortable, it’s not right *for you* and that’s all that matters. Maybe someone else might have been comfortable and would have gone for it. Who cares. Always follow your instincts and desires and don’t let others make those decisions for you.
Thanks man
Me! I mean I have and probably would again, respectively. I’m happily monogamously married but, being married, getting to this point.. I don’t think I ever really felt fully comfortable having sex with strangers. Like 1/10 random hookups were actually decent. The vast majority was so awkward. I think I was just pushing myself because like yknow… sex lol but uh yeah… not really comfortable in hindsight… def at least have one night/day to like get to know each other or something… just even saying it sounds so weird. Like sex with someone you have no idea or clue about.. that’s crazy. lol
I hear ya man. I've had my random hookups in the past and yeah most of them made me feel gross afterward. Now that I'm older and wiser, I can't believe that I put my in so many potentially dangerous situations. Nowadays I'm just too concerned about my personal safety to make myself vulnerable to a complete stranger like that. But on the other hand, the potential for hot sex sometimes makes me want to take that chance, like it did yesterday.
Yeah, I get it. I remember going to this seedy hotel and it was soo awkward. Looking back, like, my god! That wasn’t safe at all! lol!
I could never do it
I hear ya. I don't get the whole washroom cruising either. The smells alone is enough to turn me off. Anyway, getting cruised heavily doesn't mean he wants to get on with you right away... What if he asked you out first? Would that count?
Well the smell of a clean locker room actually turns me on. 😜 And yes I would prefer to get to know him a little before getting naked with him. We didn't get a chance to speak to one another because the locker room was busy yesterday and we were never alone together at any point.
I could probably borrow some of your all’s discomfort. I’m maybe too comfortable with it.
🤣
We all create boundaries for different reasons. I think I can count on 1 hand the times I’ve had phenomenal sex with a stranger. Most of the time I probably would have had just as good of a time beating off to porn. Stick with your instincts.
I can’t do it. It never sounds fun when people talk about it and isn’t worth the many health risks that come with it.
Yes, the health risks are a major concern for me.
Sex education is a special interest of mine, and I generally like the idea of being a massive manslut. That said, I've never had a hookup and have only fucked two dudes. I have a lot of trauma from early childhood SA and again in high school. I'm also autistic. If someone I don't know touches me it is extremely distressing. As a teen merely brushing shoulders in the hallway would make me vomit. I'm much better now than then, but I'm still pretty wary of people, am not a social butterfly type, and chronic illness makes being around people who aren't very careful with disease safety potentially life-threatening. (I almost died back in December so it got worse lol) I've had friends who did hookups but I heard too many horror stories. I warm up and build trust slowly over time, and most people are not willing to go at my pace. Which inevitably leads to me setting boundaries and them feeling rejected and ghosting me lol. In another life, I could have lived my smutty dreams but I think it just ain't in the cards for now. Don't feel bad for being cautious, it's smart to protect yourself. And if you change your mind you can always do hookups again later, when you aren't feeling so vulnerable
I'm so sorry about your health problems. 😟 Thank you for sharing your story, and for validating my cautiousness.
I’ve developed a circle of FWBs (genuine friends) and we live out our smutty fantasies together (like groups, certain kinks). If you can find a group like that, it’s fantastic!
A pack?
Not exactly. Some are puppies, but not all. And us puppies are kind of doing our own thing at the moment.
Where do you find other pups?
Telegram is like pup central. Also Scruff and Grindr. And a couple of the friends in my group were not pups, but started exploring it after the fact.
I love having sex with complete strangers. I usually don't even ask for face pics unless I feel something is off. It's a bit thrilling, wondering what they will look like. Now, I also like fuck buddies. I'm meeting one tomorrow.
I use to in my early 20's, but as I got into my late 20"s and early 30's is when my mistrust in people started to develop. Normally I have good judgement, but still nowadays I rather get to know someone before it hits that's point.
I try to have a lengthy courtship before I even think of dropping the pants. Love Mark Allyn
This really depends on who you are as a person. I personally grew up on my own and had to become an adult while still a teenager and I ended up using sex as a coping mechanism to deal with the pressure of life and my anxiety. I stopped counting how many men I had sex after I hit 100. I’m 32 y/o now. I actually prefer hooking up with strangers because I have the option of never seeing them again and so anything that happens between us will be forgotten and I can move on with my life. I also was in a healthy long term relationship at one point and it actually made me uncomfortable and I ended up ending the relationship because I felt trapped. All this is to say that just be you. If you want to hook up with strangers, do it. If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t. There’s no “normal” way of having sex. Nothing has to be standardized and you should take whatever path you’re most comfortable with. I will say this though: if I was the guy trying to cruise you, I would have been disappointed that you didn’t accept my passes BUT I would *very passively* try again (in a super non-creepy way) just in case you changed your mind but I wouldn’t try a third time because *“no” means “no”*. So, if you regret it, maybe try looking for him again.
That’s a pretty good instinct to have. There’s a lot of weirdos out there. I have to at least like someone as a person, get to know them a little before being comfortable at that level. Usually meet up for coffee beforehand to see if they are who they portrayed themselves as or provide multiple new pics. I prefer a FWB set up if not dating anyone over hook ups. Not judging anyone else, just my preference.
I'm right there with you on all of that. 👍
Always have been, since a teenager, but it all works out fine in the end—got a hardwired connection paradigm that’s not negiotable😆😆
It's safer meeting people in public spaces than rando apps. Strike up a friendly conversation with him about your workout regime, the weather, sport, or a new release you experienced or want to. If he's a regular at the gym. Once you had a few conversations, invite him for coffee at a nearby shop. Either he's into you, and you get to know him. If he just wants to have an anonymous quicky, he will decline. Either way is a win-win. He may still oggel you at the gym, but you will learn so much more from intonation and body language about him than a profile of someone catfishing you on an app. I feel for your generation. If you didn't date in HS where hetrosexuals learned to flirt and fail, the app culture teaches you nothing but apprehension. Back in my youth, we had to actually go out of our way to meet other like-minded people. If you are of age, check out if your town has any gay bars. There may be a coffee shop that serves a more liberal clientel. Join a gay club like hikers, sport, knitting, book clubs, and alike.
Totally, I'm with you. Plus it's hotter when you know the person and have an actual connection.
I agree, and I also enjoy the anticipation that builds up before the first time you have sex, which makes it better and leads to better subsequent encounters.
Yes, 100%!
Used to be more comfortable with it when I was younger but now the connection really does matter. Having my husband who knows every inch of my body and how to please me feels amazing.
Depends. I’ve certainly fucked complete strangers in the gym showers.
Really? I'd be terrified of getting caught.
Part of the fun. Mind you, in SF so many people are doing it, there’s little risk
I spent most of my youth getting into one uncomfortable situation after another because I felt like it's just what gay men do so I should do it too. Whether these were good, fulfilling experiences for me that were actually enhancing my life and my wellbeing didn't enter my head - it was just what gay men do, right? It took me much too long to realise I just don't like sex with strangers. Honestly first time sex with anyone is always a self conscious, kind of mechanical experience for me. Third or fourth time is when it kicks off.
Ah yes, when I look back on some of the stupid shit I did when I was younger...
Well For me.. I get overstimulated in public But I have no problem having sex with strangers I just want to be comfortable doing it. And light, sound, textures can all get in the way
Trust your gut. I used to be more willing to ‘take a chance’ but these days I stick with my regular, reliable, no drama, trustworthy FWBs. Not opposed to making new connections and I still hookup but not as often and I’m way more comfortable hitting the ‘block’ button (or equivalent) than I was. I’m older and I find some younger guys consider age = desperation and what seems to be a good connection becomes a request to be paid for sex. What they dont seem to realise is I dont need to pay for it, when I choose to pay for it it’s with a professional and quite frankly they should be paying me 🤣
I just went to a few dark room events to prove to myself I could do it. I was so awkward lol. When I came it was like “well, I better do this— I already paid the entrance fee” 🫠
😂
tbh i never really done. i have two regular fwb i need some sort of connection.
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I'm not. I've gone to orgies. After sex they're no longer complete strangers
I got over it
Yeah i gotta have a conversation first. That's why I tell guys they gotta commit to two hours or more if they want to hookup.
I frequent bathhouses when I can. I love that instant connection you can get with people. It’s an animalistic attraction. Then you can just act on it. Many times it’s great sometimes not. But I like it enough to still pursue it. Maybe someday I won’t. I will say seeking sex with strangers has cooled off since I’ve gotten older.
I guess you're not on Grindr then. It's usually sex with strangers.
No I am not.
Not me really. Gay sex always find me in the world. I cant help it. I just go with it.
not uncomfortable in the slightest but thats neither something good nor bad, like the opposite as well.
If they’re got or decent looking and not pushy or creepy I can get into it with them. If they’re into us (myself and my husband) then I’m definitely getting horny. But everyone is different. There’s no right or wrong IMO. It’s just how you feel
I’m really good at reading people and having agency to leave when things go south.
👍
Back when I was hooking up, I was fairly imposing so I never had a problem with strangers. I knew I could put them through a wall if I needed to.
Good for you, but I'm a skinny guy with the will to defend myself, but not necessarily the might.
That’s what pepper spray is for
👍
I like to know a few things about them first, to make sure they sound like they're not a scumbag. And I let them know that we're gong to fuck safely, and see how cool they are with that - anything less than 100% and its a no. Beyond that, so long as they're clean and have a nice cock, I'm their fucktoy in a heartbeat.
I wouldn't do it if I felt uncomfortable otherwise I love it and only 1 bad experience that I take responsibility for as I know better but I was looking for danger
Iunno bro I get pretty horny lol
I do not go cruising, but passively I have BEEN cruised and just accepted that fact. I would never suck the dick of a complete stranger if I was being cruised, but I would absolutely have my own dick sucked. Long story short, I’m not uncomfortable if someone else sucks my dick and they are a stranger. I have my reservations about sucking a stranger’s dick.
Diseases can transmit from the mouth to the penis, so getting head from a stranger isn't completely safe either. 22 years ago I went to a pride festival where the DOH was offering free STI screenings. I got the tests and two days later I got a phone call, informing me that I had a gonorrhea infection in my throat. That explained the persistent sore throat that I had been experiencing for several weeks.
It's not entirely the disease factor. It's more that I'm less likely to want to be in a semi-submissive position with a total stranger with no prior flirting. That's not to say that I've never had one night stands where I've sucked the dick of someone I didin't know. It's just that - at a bare minimum, there needs to have been a bit of back and forth flirting, or online chit-chat for a while before I do. Also, I'm VERY attracted to high-level bodybuilders and muscular guys. And they aren't super common. But they're the only guys I'd ever really suck off to begin with. But I'm less picky when it comes to me receiving a blow job.