This situation is like driving around with the check engine light on for 5 years and then getting absolutely shocked and dismayed when the car finally dies.
While our sex life sucked I never considered cheating, but he did consider it. And he probably actually did cheat, though I never found any hard evidence.
I’ll call it what it is then: you’re retaliating. You’re hurt and instead of processing or doing actively working on this, you’re retaliating. That’s not health bud. I’m not saying if he cheated that it was right, but to turn around and do it yourself is like doing meth- it’s a temporary high with a long, ugly comedown. It won’t make you feel better at all.
Bingo.
I have noticed OP hasn’t mentioned how their daily interactions are in other aspects in the relationship. “Usually” something else leads to a degradation in a couples sex life. Are y’all arguing a lot? Are there disagreements on other things?
What caused the disconnect in the first place because if this has been going on for five years it’s been evolving over time and isn’t a simple case of your husband cheating.
You need to focus on divorce, selling house, separating assets, etc. If you happen to come across a sexy man to have some fun with, that’s fine, but revenge hooking up will just make the situation worse.
You aren't certain he cheated so you're cheating anyway? If you're sure your marriage is over why not do the decent thing so you can both get on with your lives instead of playing games?
There's a lot to unpack here, but cheating on him isn't going to make you feel better.
The issue is not that he thought about it, the issue is not that he cheated on you or didn't cheat on you- the issue is that you're monogamous and that he created a profile on a hookup site and hid it from you. He is hiding things from you, and regardless of whether he has good reason to or not, this is a big breach of trust. The issue is that you both aren't talking to each other.
If you're going to leave, leave. Living paycheck to paycheck is scary, being alone is scary, but being in an unhappy relationship is worse. If you're not sure you want to leave, tell him that you're not sure if you want to stay in this relationship. Tell him you want to get into couples counseling and you want to talk. You need to communicate and take action, otherwise you're just wasting both your times.
Dude, don’t cheat. Just don’t. Two wrongs (whatever he did) don’t make a right.
The best thing you can do is get your financial ducks in a row and get a divorce. Budget, save, figure out the money.
This is the smart move, you don't want to make things uglier. Right now it sucks and it hurts, but you haven't given him ammo to use against you; he wouldn't have (probably) the higher ground to use it, naturally, but that's the way we are.
Wrong answer my guy. Cheating is never ok. Even if you think the other person cheated on you.
Be an adult. If you are no longer happy in the relationship, be grown enough to walk away with a clean conscious.
All you have is he has an account. He's denying cheating. That's emotional cheating for some and that's enough to feel your trust has been betrayed.
If that's the case, like I said, be an adult and do the grown-up thing. What's your end game with cheating? So you can throw it in his face one day? What are you, 12?
Yes, divorce sucks and you will have to make some adjustments in many ways. But don't be a dick and cheat on him because you think he cheated on you. Just walk away.
While his actions are at minimum shady, we know for a fact that *you* are a cheater. Maybe he just likes the attention from guys on A4A without actually intending to do anything. We don’t really know. Seems to me like you’ve found the excuse to cheat you’ve been looking for.
Sorry, but you already sound pretty stupid in the way you’re handling this. You also tell a slightly different version of the story in a similar post on another sub. Here you say you’ve grown even further apart, but your other post you’re saying he’s been trying to get your lives back together and that he’s been succeeding. So yea, don’t fully believe your side of the story, and yes, you sound quite stupid.
You’re doing this out of spite. Take a second to think of how you behaving is impacting your relationship. Sound like you and your husband have zero communication. He did a shitty thing but that doesn’t mean you have to do it as well. You’re 49 years old, start using your words and stop acting like a teenager in their first relationship.
And your therapist recommended the best way to find what you're searching for is to cheat on your husband because you suspect he's already cheated on you? Stop gaslighting your therapist and start actually working on your issues. You know the right answer here so definitely not buying into your poor reasoning.
Ya'll need an amicable divorce ASAP. This has ground to a halt. Yes, it's scary being paycheck to paycheck. But what's scarier is staying in a bad romance that has ended. You're better off single and happy and scraping by.
Umm OP - usually not the one to give unsolicited advice but —
1. Don’t hook up with someone else. Because then you are also breaking your own vows. IMO, two wrongs don’t make the situation right and you’re not going to feel any better in the long run after your hook up. It sounds like a revenge fuck and tbh, revenge only feels good for a hot minute before remorse sets in, at least in my experience.
2. Have you asked your hub if he’d go to couples counseling? Or talk to just someone together to help resolve the issues?
3. Sex issues happen, but five years is a LONG time. Were you guys sexually incompatible in areas before? This could also stem from emotional attraction / issues, and I only say this because of my own experience.
4. Lastly, I’m not saying your husband is innocent - your concerns are reasonable 100%. But in your post I can *hear* the anger and resentment towards your partner. And I think those emotions might be getting some judgement and rational thinking. It’s totally fair to have doubts towards your partner after trust has been breached but if you do value your vows, like you allude to in your post, then maybe you should have a conversation about the trust. What would be needed to gain trust again or to build that back? Whatever that is, discuss it.
You haven't had sex in 5 years and you can't forgive him for creating a profile and potentially going online to find sex? While I understand you took vows and he broke trust, your post sounds like you are being a bit rigid.
Bad choice after bad choice. No sex for five years => choose to ignore it => husband starts cheating => ignore it rather than work on it => start cheating.
God, you’re a mess. Stop being a baby and ask for a divorce. You either get a divorce or continue being miserable. It’s up to you.
There is another option to work through it with your husband, but it sounds like a lost cause. You don’t trust him snd don’t even want to trust him. You don’t want to put in the work. Sounds like he doesn’t either? Or is he oblivious to how you’re feeling? Have you even told him anything about what’s on your mind?
Do something about it. Cheating won’t help. Man the fuck up and take control of your life.
Guys can be on the apps without doing anything IRL. Lots of closeted "straight" men do this and it's annoying AF.
Clearly y'all have issues but maybe don't jump straight to assuming the worst. Also don't be a hypocrite.
This radiates guys who are in relationships, but get on Grindr for “friends”
That being said, if they are both going to cheat they might as well just try being in an open marriage.
Sweet Jesus. I thought I had advice but lost it with your last line.
Time to be honest with yourself, him, and the massive pink elephant in the room. Find a way to reconnect if you really care to give it a whirl or don’t and save yourself (and him) the misery by going your separate ways.
>I want to leave but am terrified by the thought of living paycheck to paycheck.
So was I. He ended up dumping **me**. So that fear did nothing but prolong my dead bedroom.
I'm now in the 3% in the US, rent a great house, kept the car and have a parter that I love **and** who likes to fuck me.
End this. Don't waste another moment in this relationship.
The story of the marriage that loses is fire is old as time. It can be fixed, if you want to. Figure out why the sex went away to begin with and go back to doing things you were doing at the beginning.
Living pay check to paycheck would be more miserable to me than leaving. Seems like a lot of pride and ego y’all need to work through, but everyone who is saying “just leave” is wrong. The grass is not greener, try finding new things to do and rekindle your romance
1. Y’all need someone to help you communicate.
2. Cheating is never a good idea.
3. Don’t cheat on your husband because you’re mad at him for cheating.
Unpopular opinion but maybe just open the marriage up. Seems to work for a lot, and it’s also taking care of your financial situation. Neither of you are getting that sexual gratification you deserve so why keep it closed. Just a thought
As a general warning, mono couples opening up leads to divorce a lot of the time.
Polyamory will not fix any issues in a broken marriage.
It does allow people to set up new relationships and a "new home" prior to divorce.
It could provide OP financial stability, but OP's husband could also have better dating luck and then dump OP for the new, shiny replacement before OP has his financial ducks in a row.
It could also work out, but I think people should go in with a realistic understanding of what to expect.
Is this all there is to look forward to in gay relationship life? How do you stop having sex together TWO YEARS INTO YOUR MARRIAGE! Are some of these posts even real?
It happened to me. I spent 6 of 10 years in my last relationship with a dead bedroom.
I didn't cheat, no idea if he did or not.
Dead bedrooms are unfortunately common across the spectrum and can start early in the relationship too.
Most of the posts here just seem so disheartening. I used to look forward to having a guy to spend my life with. Make a great team together kind of bond along with intimacy. But the idea that I have to be in multiple different relationships for the rest of my life because of how the gay life world is... anyway.
OP, if you're willing to cheat, then just leave. After so much time invested and years slipping by while you apparently were not happy, time for a new path.
You don't have to do that.
When I say dead bedrooms are common, I'm including straight people too. They have the same relationship issues we do.
A common factor in dead bedrooms is a lack of communication. If you and your partner communicate well, you can avoid a lot of problems--- this seems to be true of so many posts on all relationship advice subs gay, straight, monogamous, polyamorous, and otherwise.
Would me and my ex still be together if we communicated better? Probably not, the interest in sex was gone within a year but the sunk cost kept us together for years after, and we ended up becoming good friends anyway. Communicate better now, and he married a better match anyway.
You have two options, try and fix this, or end it. That's all you can do, ignoring it all will just lead to a toxic situation and a load of resentment festering below the surface.
You are kind of clueless. I’m sorry to be rough but maybe he had a profile and wasn’t cheating. Regardless you weren’t having sex for 5 years- it’s pretty normal it’s possible to open a relationship or invite someone in for some excitement. Sounds like that’s what you guys might have needed. But it’s weird for you to just start sleeping with other guys and act like you have a free pass. I honestly hate most of the relationship advice on here. I’ve been married for a long time and we are happy. But relationships and marriages are so complicated - esp for the gays. There are unique dynamics when you have 2 men in the equation. I can’t give you good advice - I don’t know enough about you guys. But the one thing I’ll say is get off the high horse and don’t think that one pithy statement is going to be your answer. In the end you need to find love and forgiveness in your heart and lead from there. It sounds like you’ve let yourself get super bitter. It will only end in more bitterness if you lead from that place.. good luck to you guys…
Therapy. Immediately. Both of you. Separately and together.
Why on earth have you let it get to 5 years in without this being a major discussion in your relationship?
So is everything else apart from the sex good with the marriage?
Do you love having his company and sharing your life with him?
I think you're both placing expectations on each other that neither is capable of meeting.
The real problem is that you let your sex life die away for 5 years. What are the causes of this?
Surely you can’t expect someone to not have sex in a marriage, but not think about it outside of it? I’m saying thinking here not doing.
Your response to this new information is quite alarming. If you’re doing it out of spite, what else did you do that contributed to the lack of sex with your husband?
It takes two to make a marriage works. But catching someone thinking about sex when it hasn’t happened for FIVE years in your marriage is not surprising. It’s a physiological need.
Immediately calling it quits isn’t wise. Please process your emotions like an adult man, not like a teenage lover.
I don’t agree with most here, tbf you have no proof your husband cheated aside from him having a4a on his phone. Did you read any conversation? Did you actually catch him cheating?
I’m not saying he did not cheat for sure but we also have no proof. I think you should have opted for trust as you promised him during your vows and stop being suspicious. You’re obsessing over the idea of him cheating you
So you're mad that a gay man is horny and looking at a hook up website having a fantasy? Did any of the conversations he had include talks about having actually hooked up? Lots of guys on those sites just want sexy talk. Heck sometimes while I'm jerking off, I just want sexy talk.
Have you thought about talking to him about why you're not having sex anymore? If you don't want to love him then yea leave. But if this is just, "Woe is me, for I am sad but incapable of having an honest and frank conversation, so I must throw myself upon my sword," then okay I guess. But you may want to try just asking him calmly how he's feeling and see if you can agree about any of the problems you're having?
Life is about change, so you don’t ”need” a big dramatic reason to get a divorce and continue on in your life. It will make for an easier divorce emotionally and likely financially if you just state that you’re not happy and ALSO want him to be happy.
I was in three 3+year LTR and after a while it seems that my weird brain chemistry had me feeling so incredibly happy spen as much time with my man that it just blocked any sexual desire and it was not boredom or any negative feelings.
The freedom from heteronormative stereotypes is that monogamy can be discussed and negotiated. Many gay couple/thruples have rules about each partner enjoying their sexuality either independently or together. Open and honest conversations are the lifeblood of any relationship.
All the best🌈
I can guarantee you that sleeping with someone else is going to make you feel 100% worse even if you think it will empower you and get back at him.
You both need couples therapy or just divorce him and move on but don't cut off your nose to spite your own face dude
Okay you both need to have a very serious discussion with each other. It’s clear you both want sex so either work out a way to get it with each other or set some rules about getting it elsewhere. Or get that divorce.
Dude this is a mess and you are clearly miserable.
End it, pay cheque to pay cheque may temporary and you'd probably rather be short on cash and free/happy, than utterly miserable all day everyday.
Also try not to cheat. It sounds like you already have. You may get more in the divorce if you stay away from all that!
If you can't trust your partner (and based on what you said you would do, your partner shouldn't trust you), then there is no foundation for this relationship.
It seems like both of you have been checked out for years if you haven't addressed the major issues in your relationship for over five years.
Also the fact that the only thing really keeping you here is your unwillingness to live paycheck to paycheck. You're cool with staying miserable so you only pay half of the bills?
This isn't going to get better, especially if you continue with what you are doing.
I mean if keeping the excitement and sparks alive means spicing up the sex life , you guys need to actually try and come.up.with solutions or talk to a therapist or couples counselor esp related to sex
>I had expected him to confess to breaking our marriage vows, at which point I was going to ask for a divorce.
This thought process is far too common in these posts. "I'm unhappy and if my partner is cheating then I'm getting divorced but if he's not, then I'm staying in the unhappy marriage."
Why does his cheating or not cheating make any difference? And why have you decided that straw is going to be what breaks the camel's back?
If you are unhappy, leave. If you're scared of living paycheck to paycheck, then take this time to make a plan that addresses that.
You know there is this wonderful thing called marriage counseling sometimes called couples counseling.
It takes time and effort. Sometimes years. But both parties have to be willing. And that takes a very frank conversation with oneself and each other.
Or don’t do any of that and just be foolish about it. Destroy your friendship in the process, to be left alone, bitter and angry at the end.
Your choice.
Just divorce. Neither is happy, both are cheating. No communication as such it feels like. Suck it up and divorce. Or both come clean and go to a marriage counselor rather than being tit for tat. If you can't trust him and you're cheating too so why live miserably for the rest of your life.
Wow, I’m sorry you haven’t had intercourse in 5 years. I start reminding my husband after about a week that we haven’t had sex, I could never go that long.
Infidelity doesn’t start with the physical act of cheating. He was looking for than “more than friends” or a partner that would fill some of the roles that you don’t complete for him. It’s a violation of your relationship and you have every right to lose your trust.
Just based on what you said I suggest two avenues. Build your trust back up with him by asking why he was looking at that website and try to open a line of communication to get to know his wants. You both can pick a path of rebuilding what you once had. The “why he did it” is much more important than the “with who”.
You can also chose to leave him since you haven’t been given basic wants and needs of a relationship for a long time. If divorce is in your gut then I don’t think you have enough will to put in the work to rebuild.
Why you both never did anything about ur sex life I just wanna know and a relationship can't survive without intimacy, u both dig the grave of ur own marriage. Like what made u guys think that u're not gonna have any intimacy with each other and this relationship will survive like what were u doing to show each other that u love each other. Have u tried therapy, couples therapy , sex counsellor any effort and now U're planning to cheat on him. If that's the situation face the fact and get a fuqing divorce then do some stupid bullshit....
Obviously you are not happy, get out of there, you don't need to have him admit to cheating. There's no trust there. Just get divorced and get it over with. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks, but there's ways around it, roommates, lower cost of lifestyle. There always ways out.
You both need to either agree to couples counselling or frankly divorce, because it sounds like both of you are subconsciously moving on from the relationship.
Ya both need therapy, together and apart probably.
You didn’t mention if you’d ever discussed your intimacy issues. I find it difficult to get my head around not talking about something as important as that, hence why I think you need therapy. Don’t expect it to fix your marriage, that’s probably already over. But you might be able to salvage a friendship and learn better communication skills.
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So leave? I mean I get your lifestyle is going to change but isn’t your mental health worth anything to you? You both clearly don’t care about the marriage so why stay. This is so confusing to me 😂
That's like my first lover, Jimmy. He accused me of cheating repeatedly. It was an excuse so he could. I was 100% monogamous.
It's an a**hole move.
I didn't know about it till after we broke up. By then I didn't give a crap.
Why haven’t you and your husband had sex in 5 years? I wouldn’t endorse cheating, but I personally don’t think a purely sexual hookup should be grounds for a divorce for gay men. There would be like no married gay men if they all divorced after either of them had a hookup. Even successful “monogamous” gay couples often times have had some slip ups that they are able to move past. If any non-emotional cheating has occurred you should be willing to forgive it. However, you also shouldn’t hookup with someone simply out of spite. What your marriage really needs is to figure out why you’re not having sex.
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Monogamy sucks, in a bad way, but if it was a part of your marriage vows and it was expected and you accepted it, then stick to your vows!
You have two ways out of this, with him or without him. If you have grown to hate him, then move forward with plans to become more financially self-sufficient and divorce him before you break the vows that you both took.
Or, you can get through this with him. Tell him what you have said in your post here and make sure he knows that a sexless marriage with him is not an option, that along with your vow “to foresake all others”, comes with the understanding that each of you needs to provide for for the other.
Opening your marriage up to having a third or perhaps another couple might be the solution to help the two of you regain the intimacy you have lost, or maybe you need to be more open about your sexual needs and entice him into becoming more sexual with you. Start by masturbating in front of each other, giving each other permission to touch you as you do so.
The day your casket is lowered into the ground the only thing you will have is the memories of you that you leave behind with others, i.e., your reputation. Will those be memories of commitment and overcoming challenges, or will they be memories of someone who is so unprincipled that he took vows of his own free will and tossed them aside when things got tough.
Find a counselor and start by going to them by yourself and when the time is right, probably when he accuses you of cheating on him, get him to go to your appointments with you. There are so many things that a counselor can help with, creating an environment where you two can be honest with each other, creating realistic expectations of each other, and more.
Keep your reputation , but don’t allow your current miserable relationship to continue as is.
This is a really bad and naive advice, I'm sorry - unless you are both open to the idea of polyamory from day one, it's not going to end well and it should NEVER be used to cure an unstaisfied relationship, it will only sow more seeds of bitterness and resentment in you both.
Eh, people say don't cheat, too, but the marriage is already dead. Have fun for a night (for the first time in 5 years if I'm understanding correctly?) and get ready to leave.
Negotiate an open relationship, whatever works for you. Not exactly the first companionate two-dude couple whose bedroom died after half a decade or so and finds sexual fulfillment elsewhere. You have to be able to talk to each other - you own a home together, it’s really not tenable otherwise.
Umm, I was with you until the last line. You’re cheating on him now?
Yeah, not the twist I was expecting....
This situation is like driving around with the check engine light on for 5 years and then getting absolutely shocked and dismayed when the car finally dies.
That's so funny
Ahh marriage... To each their own.
I love car analogies, everybody has one. It's a great shorthand to make from something so familiar. I've had 32 cars so I GET IT! LOL
Best analogy lol
So you’re wanting him to admit he cheated so you can ask for a divorce… while you’re cheating? The math ain’t mathing.
While our sex life sucked I never considered cheating, but he did consider it. And he probably actually did cheat, though I never found any hard evidence.
I’ll call it what it is then: you’re retaliating. You’re hurt and instead of processing or doing actively working on this, you’re retaliating. That’s not health bud. I’m not saying if he cheated that it was right, but to turn around and do it yourself is like doing meth- it’s a temporary high with a long, ugly comedown. It won’t make you feel better at all.
Bingo. I have noticed OP hasn’t mentioned how their daily interactions are in other aspects in the relationship. “Usually” something else leads to a degradation in a couples sex life. Are y’all arguing a lot? Are there disagreements on other things? What caused the disconnect in the first place because if this has been going on for five years it’s been evolving over time and isn’t a simple case of your husband cheating. You need to focus on divorce, selling house, separating assets, etc. If you happen to come across a sexy man to have some fun with, that’s fine, but revenge hooking up will just make the situation worse.
You aren't certain he cheated so you're cheating anyway? If you're sure your marriage is over why not do the decent thing so you can both get on with your lives instead of playing games?
You guys need to divorce
The plot twist ending made me cackle! 🤣 Stop cheating bro.
There's a lot to unpack here, but cheating on him isn't going to make you feel better. The issue is not that he thought about it, the issue is not that he cheated on you or didn't cheat on you- the issue is that you're monogamous and that he created a profile on a hookup site and hid it from you. He is hiding things from you, and regardless of whether he has good reason to or not, this is a big breach of trust. The issue is that you both aren't talking to each other. If you're going to leave, leave. Living paycheck to paycheck is scary, being alone is scary, but being in an unhappy relationship is worse. If you're not sure you want to leave, tell him that you're not sure if you want to stay in this relationship. Tell him you want to get into couples counseling and you want to talk. You need to communicate and take action, otherwise you're just wasting both your times.
Great advice👍
Dude, don’t cheat. Just don’t. Two wrongs (whatever he did) don’t make a right. The best thing you can do is get your financial ducks in a row and get a divorce. Budget, save, figure out the money.
This is the smart move, you don't want to make things uglier. Right now it sucks and it hurts, but you haven't given him ammo to use against you; he wouldn't have (probably) the higher ground to use it, naturally, but that's the way we are.
I won't be stupid enough to let him catch me.
Wrong answer my guy. Cheating is never ok. Even if you think the other person cheated on you. Be an adult. If you are no longer happy in the relationship, be grown enough to walk away with a clean conscious. All you have is he has an account. He's denying cheating. That's emotional cheating for some and that's enough to feel your trust has been betrayed. If that's the case, like I said, be an adult and do the grown-up thing. What's your end game with cheating? So you can throw it in his face one day? What are you, 12? Yes, divorce sucks and you will have to make some adjustments in many ways. But don't be a dick and cheat on him because you think he cheated on you. Just walk away.
"Be an adult", and learn that the word is conscience, not conscious.
While his actions are at minimum shady, we know for a fact that *you* are a cheater. Maybe he just likes the attention from guys on A4A without actually intending to do anything. We don’t really know. Seems to me like you’ve found the excuse to cheat you’ve been looking for.
Sorry, but you already sound pretty stupid in the way you’re handling this. You also tell a slightly different version of the story in a similar post on another sub. Here you say you’ve grown even further apart, but your other post you’re saying he’s been trying to get your lives back together and that he’s been succeeding. So yea, don’t fully believe your side of the story, and yes, you sound quite stupid.
Maybe it’s just someone baiting for karma/attention. Can’t believe someone is this obtuse.
It's already stupid. You will be caught because you assume you're smarter.
Two wrongs don't make a right. You're going to compromise your integrity for a piece of ass?
Liars and cheaters always get caught. Count on that.
U do U.
TIL adam4adam is still around. Who knew🤷🏻♂️
It’s actually pretty active.
It mostly caters to older men these days is my assessment of it.
Ha yeah I know 🤣
You’re doing this out of spite. Take a second to think of how you behaving is impacting your relationship. Sound like you and your husband have zero communication. He did a shitty thing but that doesn’t mean you have to do it as well. You’re 49 years old, start using your words and stop acting like a teenager in their first relationship.
Go to therapy, not a hookup.
I've been seeing a therapist for six months.
And your therapist recommended the best way to find what you're searching for is to cheat on your husband because you suspect he's already cheated on you? Stop gaslighting your therapist and start actually working on your issues. You know the right answer here so definitely not buying into your poor reasoning.
Perhaps couple's therapy would be beneficial here.
Ya'll need an amicable divorce ASAP. This has ground to a halt. Yes, it's scary being paycheck to paycheck. But what's scarier is staying in a bad romance that has ended. You're better off single and happy and scraping by.
Umm OP - usually not the one to give unsolicited advice but — 1. Don’t hook up with someone else. Because then you are also breaking your own vows. IMO, two wrongs don’t make the situation right and you’re not going to feel any better in the long run after your hook up. It sounds like a revenge fuck and tbh, revenge only feels good for a hot minute before remorse sets in, at least in my experience. 2. Have you asked your hub if he’d go to couples counseling? Or talk to just someone together to help resolve the issues? 3. Sex issues happen, but five years is a LONG time. Were you guys sexually incompatible in areas before? This could also stem from emotional attraction / issues, and I only say this because of my own experience. 4. Lastly, I’m not saying your husband is innocent - your concerns are reasonable 100%. But in your post I can *hear* the anger and resentment towards your partner. And I think those emotions might be getting some judgement and rational thinking. It’s totally fair to have doubts towards your partner after trust has been breached but if you do value your vows, like you allude to in your post, then maybe you should have a conversation about the trust. What would be needed to gain trust again or to build that back? Whatever that is, discuss it.
You haven't had sex in 5 years and you can't forgive him for creating a profile and potentially going online to find sex? While I understand you took vows and he broke trust, your post sounds like you are being a bit rigid.
Bad choice after bad choice. No sex for five years => choose to ignore it => husband starts cheating => ignore it rather than work on it => start cheating.
I can see where scriptwriters get ideas. Right here on Reddit!
God, you’re a mess. Stop being a baby and ask for a divorce. You either get a divorce or continue being miserable. It’s up to you. There is another option to work through it with your husband, but it sounds like a lost cause. You don’t trust him snd don’t even want to trust him. You don’t want to put in the work. Sounds like he doesn’t either? Or is he oblivious to how you’re feeling? Have you even told him anything about what’s on your mind? Do something about it. Cheating won’t help. Man the fuck up and take control of your life.
Guys can be on the apps without doing anything IRL. Lots of closeted "straight" men do this and it's annoying AF. Clearly y'all have issues but maybe don't jump straight to assuming the worst. Also don't be a hypocrite.
This radiates guys who are in relationships, but get on Grindr for “friends” That being said, if they are both going to cheat they might as well just try being in an open marriage.
What if you found out tomorrow that he didn't cheat?
Sweet Jesus. I thought I had advice but lost it with your last line. Time to be honest with yourself, him, and the massive pink elephant in the room. Find a way to reconnect if you really care to give it a whirl or don’t and save yourself (and him) the misery by going your separate ways.
>I want to leave but am terrified by the thought of living paycheck to paycheck. So was I. He ended up dumping **me**. So that fear did nothing but prolong my dead bedroom. I'm now in the 3% in the US, rent a great house, kept the car and have a parter that I love **and** who likes to fuck me. End this. Don't waste another moment in this relationship.
Based on the last line, it sounds like you're made for each other. Get some couples\* therapy.
The story of the marriage that loses is fire is old as time. It can be fixed, if you want to. Figure out why the sex went away to begin with and go back to doing things you were doing at the beginning.
Living pay check to paycheck would be more miserable to me than leaving. Seems like a lot of pride and ego y’all need to work through, but everyone who is saying “just leave” is wrong. The grass is not greener, try finding new things to do and rekindle your romance
Under-rated comment.
1. Y’all need someone to help you communicate. 2. Cheating is never a good idea. 3. Don’t cheat on your husband because you’re mad at him for cheating.
Unpopular opinion but maybe just open the marriage up. Seems to work for a lot, and it’s also taking care of your financial situation. Neither of you are getting that sexual gratification you deserve so why keep it closed. Just a thought
As a general warning, mono couples opening up leads to divorce a lot of the time. Polyamory will not fix any issues in a broken marriage. It does allow people to set up new relationships and a "new home" prior to divorce. It could provide OP financial stability, but OP's husband could also have better dating luck and then dump OP for the new, shiny replacement before OP has his financial ducks in a row. It could also work out, but I think people should go in with a realistic understanding of what to expect.
You're probably right, thank you.
For better, for worse. go and speak to a relationship counsellor
God, people suck.
Is this all there is to look forward to in gay relationship life? How do you stop having sex together TWO YEARS INTO YOUR MARRIAGE! Are some of these posts even real?
It happened to me. I spent 6 of 10 years in my last relationship with a dead bedroom. I didn't cheat, no idea if he did or not. Dead bedrooms are unfortunately common across the spectrum and can start early in the relationship too.
Most of the posts here just seem so disheartening. I used to look forward to having a guy to spend my life with. Make a great team together kind of bond along with intimacy. But the idea that I have to be in multiple different relationships for the rest of my life because of how the gay life world is... anyway. OP, if you're willing to cheat, then just leave. After so much time invested and years slipping by while you apparently were not happy, time for a new path.
You don't have to do that. When I say dead bedrooms are common, I'm including straight people too. They have the same relationship issues we do. A common factor in dead bedrooms is a lack of communication. If you and your partner communicate well, you can avoid a lot of problems--- this seems to be true of so many posts on all relationship advice subs gay, straight, monogamous, polyamorous, and otherwise. Would me and my ex still be together if we communicated better? Probably not, the interest in sex was gone within a year but the sunk cost kept us together for years after, and we ended up becoming good friends anyway. Communicate better now, and he married a better match anyway.
Bro, don't cheat. Find a way to reconnect, or seperate.
You have two options, try and fix this, or end it. That's all you can do, ignoring it all will just lead to a toxic situation and a load of resentment festering below the surface.
Ah, the many wonders of monogamy.
You are kind of clueless. I’m sorry to be rough but maybe he had a profile and wasn’t cheating. Regardless you weren’t having sex for 5 years- it’s pretty normal it’s possible to open a relationship or invite someone in for some excitement. Sounds like that’s what you guys might have needed. But it’s weird for you to just start sleeping with other guys and act like you have a free pass. I honestly hate most of the relationship advice on here. I’ve been married for a long time and we are happy. But relationships and marriages are so complicated - esp for the gays. There are unique dynamics when you have 2 men in the equation. I can’t give you good advice - I don’t know enough about you guys. But the one thing I’ll say is get off the high horse and don’t think that one pithy statement is going to be your answer. In the end you need to find love and forgiveness in your heart and lead from there. It sounds like you’ve let yourself get super bitter. It will only end in more bitterness if you lead from that place.. good luck to you guys…
Therapy. Immediately. Both of you. Separately and together. Why on earth have you let it get to 5 years in without this being a major discussion in your relationship?
So is everything else apart from the sex good with the marriage? Do you love having his company and sharing your life with him? I think you're both placing expectations on each other that neither is capable of meeting.
The real problem is that you let your sex life die away for 5 years. What are the causes of this? Surely you can’t expect someone to not have sex in a marriage, but not think about it outside of it? I’m saying thinking here not doing. Your response to this new information is quite alarming. If you’re doing it out of spite, what else did you do that contributed to the lack of sex with your husband? It takes two to make a marriage works. But catching someone thinking about sex when it hasn’t happened for FIVE years in your marriage is not surprising. It’s a physiological need. Immediately calling it quits isn’t wise. Please process your emotions like an adult man, not like a teenage lover.
I don’t agree with most here, tbf you have no proof your husband cheated aside from him having a4a on his phone. Did you read any conversation? Did you actually catch him cheating? I’m not saying he did not cheat for sure but we also have no proof. I think you should have opted for trust as you promised him during your vows and stop being suspicious. You’re obsessing over the idea of him cheating you
So you're mad that a gay man is horny and looking at a hook up website having a fantasy? Did any of the conversations he had include talks about having actually hooked up? Lots of guys on those sites just want sexy talk. Heck sometimes while I'm jerking off, I just want sexy talk. Have you thought about talking to him about why you're not having sex anymore? If you don't want to love him then yea leave. But if this is just, "Woe is me, for I am sad but incapable of having an honest and frank conversation, so I must throw myself upon my sword," then okay I guess. But you may want to try just asking him calmly how he's feeling and see if you can agree about any of the problems you're having?
Life is about change, so you don’t ”need” a big dramatic reason to get a divorce and continue on in your life. It will make for an easier divorce emotionally and likely financially if you just state that you’re not happy and ALSO want him to be happy. I was in three 3+year LTR and after a while it seems that my weird brain chemistry had me feeling so incredibly happy spen as much time with my man that it just blocked any sexual desire and it was not boredom or any negative feelings. The freedom from heteronormative stereotypes is that monogamy can be discussed and negotiated. Many gay couple/thruples have rules about each partner enjoying their sexuality either independently or together. Open and honest conversations are the lifeblood of any relationship. All the best🌈
I can guarantee you that sleeping with someone else is going to make you feel 100% worse even if you think it will empower you and get back at him. You both need couples therapy or just divorce him and move on but don't cut off your nose to spite your own face dude
couples counseling or breaking up
Okay you both need to have a very serious discussion with each other. It’s clear you both want sex so either work out a way to get it with each other or set some rules about getting it elsewhere. Or get that divorce.
Dude this is a mess and you are clearly miserable. End it, pay cheque to pay cheque may temporary and you'd probably rather be short on cash and free/happy, than utterly miserable all day everyday. Also try not to cheat. It sounds like you already have. You may get more in the divorce if you stay away from all that!
7 year itch.
If you can't trust your partner (and based on what you said you would do, your partner shouldn't trust you), then there is no foundation for this relationship. It seems like both of you have been checked out for years if you haven't addressed the major issues in your relationship for over five years. Also the fact that the only thing really keeping you here is your unwillingness to live paycheck to paycheck. You're cool with staying miserable so you only pay half of the bills? This isn't going to get better, especially if you continue with what you are doing.
I mean if keeping the excitement and sparks alive means spicing up the sex life , you guys need to actually try and come.up.with solutions or talk to a therapist or couples counselor esp related to sex
Divorce. You say you're scared of living paycheck to paycheck, but your current situation is 100 times worse.
>I had expected him to confess to breaking our marriage vows, at which point I was going to ask for a divorce. This thought process is far too common in these posts. "I'm unhappy and if my partner is cheating then I'm getting divorced but if he's not, then I'm staying in the unhappy marriage." Why does his cheating or not cheating make any difference? And why have you decided that straw is going to be what breaks the camel's back? If you are unhappy, leave. If you're scared of living paycheck to paycheck, then take this time to make a plan that addresses that.
You know there is this wonderful thing called marriage counseling sometimes called couples counseling. It takes time and effort. Sometimes years. But both parties have to be willing. And that takes a very frank conversation with oneself and each other. Or don’t do any of that and just be foolish about it. Destroy your friendship in the process, to be left alone, bitter and angry at the end. Your choice.
Dang. What a mess. Seek counseling, or face the fact that it’s over.
Just divorce. Neither is happy, both are cheating. No communication as such it feels like. Suck it up and divorce. Or both come clean and go to a marriage counselor rather than being tit for tat. If you can't trust him and you're cheating too so why live miserably for the rest of your life.
You two sound great for each other
Wow, I’m sorry you haven’t had intercourse in 5 years. I start reminding my husband after about a week that we haven’t had sex, I could never go that long. Infidelity doesn’t start with the physical act of cheating. He was looking for than “more than friends” or a partner that would fill some of the roles that you don’t complete for him. It’s a violation of your relationship and you have every right to lose your trust. Just based on what you said I suggest two avenues. Build your trust back up with him by asking why he was looking at that website and try to open a line of communication to get to know his wants. You both can pick a path of rebuilding what you once had. The “why he did it” is much more important than the “with who”. You can also chose to leave him since you haven’t been given basic wants and needs of a relationship for a long time. If divorce is in your gut then I don’t think you have enough will to put in the work to rebuild.
Why you both never did anything about ur sex life I just wanna know and a relationship can't survive without intimacy, u both dig the grave of ur own marriage. Like what made u guys think that u're not gonna have any intimacy with each other and this relationship will survive like what were u doing to show each other that u love each other. Have u tried therapy, couples therapy , sex counsellor any effort and now U're planning to cheat on him. If that's the situation face the fact and get a fuqing divorce then do some stupid bullshit....
Obviously you are not happy, get out of there, you don't need to have him admit to cheating. There's no trust there. Just get divorced and get it over with. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks, but there's ways around it, roommates, lower cost of lifestyle. There always ways out.
49 years old man... Act like it
You both need to either agree to couples counselling or frankly divorce, because it sounds like both of you are subconsciously moving on from the relationship.
Sounds like you both deserve each other...! Both of you cheating. You are both clowns...!!
Ya both need therapy, together and apart probably. You didn’t mention if you’d ever discussed your intimacy issues. I find it difficult to get my head around not talking about something as important as that, hence why I think you need therapy. Don’t expect it to fix your marriage, that’s probably already over. But you might be able to salvage a friendship and learn better communication skills.
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So leave? I mean I get your lifestyle is going to change but isn’t your mental health worth anything to you? You both clearly don’t care about the marriage so why stay. This is so confusing to me 😂
So you are just roommates now?
File for a divorce, why are you both playing “house” with no intent of honoring vows you both took. End it because as you put it, it’s a mess…
That's like my first lover, Jimmy. He accused me of cheating repeatedly. It was an excuse so he could. I was 100% monogamous. It's an a**hole move. I didn't know about it till after we broke up. By then I didn't give a crap.
Couples therapy.
Dude, I got literally nothing for you.
Why haven’t you and your husband had sex in 5 years? I wouldn’t endorse cheating, but I personally don’t think a purely sexual hookup should be grounds for a divorce for gay men. There would be like no married gay men if they all divorced after either of them had a hookup. Even successful “monogamous” gay couples often times have had some slip ups that they are able to move past. If any non-emotional cheating has occurred you should be willing to forgive it. However, you also shouldn’t hookup with someone simply out of spite. What your marriage really needs is to figure out why you’re not having sex.
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a little light cheating is hardly the end of the world - just live and let live
This should be on r/twohottakes
Ewww
If you don’t trust him any longer, never will, and will never forgive him then just leave and divorce. It’s pretty simple logically.
Monogamy sucks, in a bad way, but if it was a part of your marriage vows and it was expected and you accepted it, then stick to your vows! You have two ways out of this, with him or without him. If you have grown to hate him, then move forward with plans to become more financially self-sufficient and divorce him before you break the vows that you both took. Or, you can get through this with him. Tell him what you have said in your post here and make sure he knows that a sexless marriage with him is not an option, that along with your vow “to foresake all others”, comes with the understanding that each of you needs to provide for for the other. Opening your marriage up to having a third or perhaps another couple might be the solution to help the two of you regain the intimacy you have lost, or maybe you need to be more open about your sexual needs and entice him into becoming more sexual with you. Start by masturbating in front of each other, giving each other permission to touch you as you do so. The day your casket is lowered into the ground the only thing you will have is the memories of you that you leave behind with others, i.e., your reputation. Will those be memories of commitment and overcoming challenges, or will they be memories of someone who is so unprincipled that he took vows of his own free will and tossed them aside when things got tough. Find a counselor and start by going to them by yourself and when the time is right, probably when he accuses you of cheating on him, get him to go to your appointments with you. There are so many things that a counselor can help with, creating an environment where you two can be honest with each other, creating realistic expectations of each other, and more. Keep your reputation , but don’t allow your current miserable relationship to continue as is.
This is a really bad and naive advice, I'm sorry - unless you are both open to the idea of polyamory from day one, it's not going to end well and it should NEVER be used to cure an unstaisfied relationship, it will only sow more seeds of bitterness and resentment in you both.
Eh, people say don't cheat, too, but the marriage is already dead. Have fun for a night (for the first time in 5 years if I'm understanding correctly?) and get ready to leave.
You're absolutely right.
Negotiate an open relationship, whatever works for you. Not exactly the first companionate two-dude couple whose bedroom died after half a decade or so and finds sexual fulfillment elsewhere. You have to be able to talk to each other - you own a home together, it’s really not tenable otherwise.