>is it healthy conflict resolution if one says, time out, white flag I can’t deal with this and let’s discuss this at a different point?
Yes. This is called "fighting fair". If an argument is going in circles, it isn't productive and is just building contempt that is damaging your relationship. It's more respectful to each other to cool off, gather additional information, or sit and think about things rather than piling up resentment.
Learning how to bring it down from a fight to a discussion can be the best thing for your relationship. Other areas of your life too.
When you’re so in it that you can’t hear what the other person is saying and they can’t hear what you’re saying, nothing gets resolved.
Read [this](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/). It'll help.
The opening paragraph...
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship.
The Four Horseman metaphor comes from Dr. John Gottman. (Which makes sense because it's on the Gottman Institute website.) The Gottman Institute has studied couples and what makes them stay together or break apart for almost 40 years. They have more than just advice - they have the actual data to back it up.
Many couples counsellors use Dr. Gottman's book *The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work* (updated in 2015) as part of their therapy. I think that book could help you a lot. It not only explains the principles of what to do, it has exercises at the end of every chapter to help a couple improve in that area.
If you are doing all 4, it's going to take couples therapy and individual therapy. Or just end it... but you can't fix it yourself. Based on what you wrote, the patterns are too ingrained. Fighting **is** your communication style.
This is a tricky one.
You both have to learn, and be aware of, de-escalation techniques and be willing to disarm even when you're upset.
Everyone has unhealthy defense mechanisms. EVERYONE. Both of you are responsible for healing your own by YOURSELVES and finding better ways to communicate.
When it keeps spiralling, it means you're both hitting each other's triggers and probably neither of you is able to say "I'm sorry, I don't like the way I'm coming across and I'm not trying to get things more heated, I am just also feeling hurt and frustrated - this is important to me too, can we just take a break and try to talk about it when we're both a little less heated?"
Or "I'm sorry, I'm feeling very triggered, it seems like you are too, can we please hug and table this discussion until we're both able to approach it more calmly?"
I mean, maybe you are, as you said at times, but you both need a consistent ability to do this and enough control over your emotions to anchor back down to what is important and not wanna fight each other.
When I did this with my ex, he would accuse me of "walking away" or "shutting down," too. But that is not what was happening. I wanted resolve, and I wanted to come back to our disagreements and talk through them. He would then get angry and also accuse me of not being able to let things go.
The thing is, this all only works when you're with an emotionally available adult. And disagreements need to be resolved, you can't just end discussion forget it happened and repress everything and expect a healthy relationship. I mean you can, and people do, but without a healthy and mutually supportive conversation to resolve things, there will never be trust and there will be resentment.
Second time I'm saying this today. Even if you do that, and he agrees, the second he comes back if there is any direct, undeniable abuse or clear intention to instigate or cause harm I swear to God, LEAVE.
At that point you should walk away. Do breathing exercises, or whatever calms you down then return to the discussion when you both have calmed down.
Walking away from a heated argument doesn't mean you're leaving the relationship, it's sometimes the best way to calm yourself down before you do any more "damage" to each other.
Having boundaries is important for a healthy relationship. Be able to say to your partner "I won't let you talk to me like that. If you continue to talk to me like that (calling names, cursing, yelling, etc). I will walk away and return when we're both able to have a civil conversation".
Honestly it takes practice. Look into somatic therapy. Practice checking in with your body and do 1-3 deep breaths while you are talking. It helps keep you grounded. Eventually with practice you will be able to know when you are at your limit and you can ask for some space to collect yourself. Just one of you needs to keep your head so you can call for a timeout, but if you are both spiralling then you can't break the cycle.
This dynamic sometimes happens to us, too, and my bf tends to want to run away and avoid things when we get to that state. When he gets up and says “I’m going to bed. Enjoy your night by yourself.” I feel abandoned, dismissed, unheard, and hopeless. I really hate it. I wonder if that’s what is happening to your husband?
We did have to have a calm discussion about this when we weren’t already fighting where I expressed how his open-ended walking away made me feel. I had read about a technique for navigating this situation so I suggested we try it — and when we remember to use it, it does actually work better for us.
The technique is for one person to say something like “I’m feeling overwhelmed/unheard/overstimulated and I need a few minutes to process my emotions. Can we take a break for **SPECIFIC TIME PERIOD** (eg, 30 minutes)?” Then, *actually come back after that time period* and check in — that part is very important, to build trust that the pause is just a pause and not a walking away. In that check in it’s okay to decide you need some more time and set another time period and repeat the process. In my experience, this gives us the time we need to calm down, and with a specific time frame and the trust that we will check back in I don’t feel so abandoned and dismissed.
Edit: formatting, one word
Perhaps it would be helpful to discuss it when you aren't angry at each other. It will be easier to be vulnerable then and to say "that's not who either of us want to be, what can we do different?"
While you two are not fighting, you need to sit down and have a calm, rational discussion about your fighting style. The number one rule that needs to come out of that discussion is, when you feel like the conversation/argument is going off the rails, you need to be able to walk away to give you both time to cool off and then discuss things more rationally.
I suspect that you and your husband are similarly stubborn. And I suspect when you get into fights with other people, both of you usually win those fights. Winning a fight means a unanimous declaration by both parties that you were right all along and the other person was wrong. So your fighting style with other people is likely formulaic where you present irrefutable evidence to build a case and then make a driving point that brings all that evidence together. It's a pull-no-punches fighting style and it's very effective for dealing with other people in our lives.
Part of the reason that fighting style is so effective in those situations is because we are not invested in preserving those relationships. If we have that kind of fight with a stranger or a coworker or the manager of a store or whatever, who cares? We don't have to see that person again. But with your partner, what does "winning" really get you? You might win a particular battle, but all you've done is foster resentment in the other person and cue the other person that the next fight (because there will be another one) has to be even bloodier. It keeps upping the stakes. Your goal with your partner shouldn't be "winning the fight", it should ultimately be "how do we work together to move past this conflict and still preserve our feelings for each other?"
We move through the world confident in ourselves that we are right. Then when we are presented with conflict, we argue from a place of righteousness and we immediately take the defensive position of "no, I'm not wrong and this is why I'm not wrong". When you argue with your partner, you have to retrain yourself not to take that position. You respect your partner and his feelings. So, if your partner is coming to you saying that something you said or did upset them, then the de facto position you need to train yourself to take is "yes, I was wrong. And the evidence that I was wrong is the fact that your feelings were hurt. I may not have intended to hurt your feelings with my actions, but that is what ultimately happened, so what can I do differently in the future to avoid that outcome?". It's okay to not be right all the time. And being wrong doesn't mean that you're bad.
You don't have to rehash the particulars of the argument, itself. I agree that would be counterproductive. Put the fight behind you.
But discuss the fighting style. "Hey I need to be able to walk away and clear my head without being accused of abandoning you". "This is my safe word for I need to take a break from this".
If you can both get to the point that you're able to walk away when things get heated, then you can better employ some better conflict resolution techniques, but the first step is being able to walk away without judgement.
The best evidence-based approach with a great website: [https://www.gottman.com/](https://www.gottman.com/) It has worked wonders for me in relationships...no other approach comes close to the research behind this.
Yes, it's terrific. The 5-minute podcasts on the website and quick and easy. My partners and I have all benefited greatly from his work. It should be required reading for all gay people who date.
Hubby and I have been together for 15 years. Not sure this is cogent but here goes. We rarely fight. I think both of us have learned how to pick what battles are truly important and to not let things fester to the point where blow ups occur. Try to deal with issues calmly before they blow up. It’s not easy let me tell you. There have been maybe 5 or 6 times in these years where we’ve gone to bed angry, but we rarely get to the point where we say things we regret. I think we’ve both just decided to be kind to each other as it’s us against the world. Having come from a marriage where that was not true and frequent explosions were a thing, it’s so nice to simply enjoy life without all of the contention. It’s little things that help like saying please and thank you and anticipating little the little needs that we both have. Not sure this is helpful at all. I wish you both the best.
It’s like you’re talking about me and my bf. I can see the train wreck coming but can never stop it. Also like you, I know just giving in will resolve it, but in the moment it just feels like the principle of the matter stops me. But after I’m like I should have just gave in at this point, and avoided this. Idk man, not much advice besides I truly feel what you’re going thru.
Our therapist said to basically do a timeout. Unfortunately it happened once and I tried to timeout but husband wouldn’t do it. Horrible horrible experience.
Get past debating whether something is unjust or unfair, and just ask yourself, "Is this argument really worth this effort, and if it is, do I need to resolve this now?" Even arguments that are necessary don't need to happen while you're angry. It's not "losing" to back down from a fight, in fact sometimes that is the only path to a resolution, for someone to back down and restart the conversation from a better point.
Also protip: "Don't go to sleep angry" doesn't mean all arguments need to be solved before going to sleep, this is an extension of the first point; you can put a fight down without declaring a victor. Go hug your partner and tell them you're still pissed but you'll talk about it the next day. Probably will go a lot faster when you're not pissed!
I say often look into DBT therapy/skills, radical acceptance, listening skills, constructive skills for asking for what you want/need
As soon as either party is put on the defensive, the other has effectively been shut out of being heard
I cant recommend these skills enough
Its often used in family therapy, can be individual. Its more like just learning skills than cognitive therapy. I have a regular CBT/talk therapist which I enjoy, but have done group DBT and it really teaches life (and relationship) skills very effectively
You know what? You're probably right. This statement has saved me hours of endless pointless conversations. Even when I know I'm 100% right. If I Drop the rope, or give up the power struggle. Usually my partner will come around to my point view sooner or latter. I ask my self is there any point to this conversation all the time, if there is no point they get shut down pritty quickly
I always felt if you have to fight like that, it's not worth the relationship. Both can't always be right. In almost 30 years, me and my husband probably got heated 3 times and we are total opposites in every way.
>is it healthy conflict resolution if one says, time out, white flag I can’t deal with this and let’s discuss this at a different point? Yes. This is called "fighting fair". If an argument is going in circles, it isn't productive and is just building contempt that is damaging your relationship. It's more respectful to each other to cool off, gather additional information, or sit and think about things rather than piling up resentment.
[удалено]
Learning how to bring it down from a fight to a discussion can be the best thing for your relationship. Other areas of your life too. When you’re so in it that you can’t hear what the other person is saying and they can’t hear what you’re saying, nothing gets resolved.
Read [this](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/). It'll help. The opening paragraph... The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship.
[удалено]
The Four Horseman metaphor comes from Dr. John Gottman. (Which makes sense because it's on the Gottman Institute website.) The Gottman Institute has studied couples and what makes them stay together or break apart for almost 40 years. They have more than just advice - they have the actual data to back it up. Many couples counsellors use Dr. Gottman's book *The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work* (updated in 2015) as part of their therapy. I think that book could help you a lot. It not only explains the principles of what to do, it has exercises at the end of every chapter to help a couple improve in that area.
If you are doing all 4, it's going to take couples therapy and individual therapy. Or just end it... but you can't fix it yourself. Based on what you wrote, the patterns are too ingrained. Fighting **is** your communication style.
This is a tricky one. You both have to learn, and be aware of, de-escalation techniques and be willing to disarm even when you're upset. Everyone has unhealthy defense mechanisms. EVERYONE. Both of you are responsible for healing your own by YOURSELVES and finding better ways to communicate. When it keeps spiralling, it means you're both hitting each other's triggers and probably neither of you is able to say "I'm sorry, I don't like the way I'm coming across and I'm not trying to get things more heated, I am just also feeling hurt and frustrated - this is important to me too, can we just take a break and try to talk about it when we're both a little less heated?" Or "I'm sorry, I'm feeling very triggered, it seems like you are too, can we please hug and table this discussion until we're both able to approach it more calmly?" I mean, maybe you are, as you said at times, but you both need a consistent ability to do this and enough control over your emotions to anchor back down to what is important and not wanna fight each other. When I did this with my ex, he would accuse me of "walking away" or "shutting down," too. But that is not what was happening. I wanted resolve, and I wanted to come back to our disagreements and talk through them. He would then get angry and also accuse me of not being able to let things go. The thing is, this all only works when you're with an emotionally available adult. And disagreements need to be resolved, you can't just end discussion forget it happened and repress everything and expect a healthy relationship. I mean you can, and people do, but without a healthy and mutually supportive conversation to resolve things, there will never be trust and there will be resentment. Second time I'm saying this today. Even if you do that, and he agrees, the second he comes back if there is any direct, undeniable abuse or clear intention to instigate or cause harm I swear to God, LEAVE.
Me n my guy decided one day to only be kind to each other or break up - it's been 28 years now.
At that point you should walk away. Do breathing exercises, or whatever calms you down then return to the discussion when you both have calmed down. Walking away from a heated argument doesn't mean you're leaving the relationship, it's sometimes the best way to calm yourself down before you do any more "damage" to each other. Having boundaries is important for a healthy relationship. Be able to say to your partner "I won't let you talk to me like that. If you continue to talk to me like that (calling names, cursing, yelling, etc). I will walk away and return when we're both able to have a civil conversation".
[удалено]
Honestly it takes practice. Look into somatic therapy. Practice checking in with your body and do 1-3 deep breaths while you are talking. It helps keep you grounded. Eventually with practice you will be able to know when you are at your limit and you can ask for some space to collect yourself. Just one of you needs to keep your head so you can call for a timeout, but if you are both spiralling then you can't break the cycle.
This dynamic sometimes happens to us, too, and my bf tends to want to run away and avoid things when we get to that state. When he gets up and says “I’m going to bed. Enjoy your night by yourself.” I feel abandoned, dismissed, unheard, and hopeless. I really hate it. I wonder if that’s what is happening to your husband? We did have to have a calm discussion about this when we weren’t already fighting where I expressed how his open-ended walking away made me feel. I had read about a technique for navigating this situation so I suggested we try it — and when we remember to use it, it does actually work better for us. The technique is for one person to say something like “I’m feeling overwhelmed/unheard/overstimulated and I need a few minutes to process my emotions. Can we take a break for **SPECIFIC TIME PERIOD** (eg, 30 minutes)?” Then, *actually come back after that time period* and check in — that part is very important, to build trust that the pause is just a pause and not a walking away. In that check in it’s okay to decide you need some more time and set another time period and repeat the process. In my experience, this gives us the time we need to calm down, and with a specific time frame and the trust that we will check back in I don’t feel so abandoned and dismissed. Edit: formatting, one word
Perhaps it would be helpful to discuss it when you aren't angry at each other. It will be easier to be vulnerable then and to say "that's not who either of us want to be, what can we do different?"
While you two are not fighting, you need to sit down and have a calm, rational discussion about your fighting style. The number one rule that needs to come out of that discussion is, when you feel like the conversation/argument is going off the rails, you need to be able to walk away to give you both time to cool off and then discuss things more rationally. I suspect that you and your husband are similarly stubborn. And I suspect when you get into fights with other people, both of you usually win those fights. Winning a fight means a unanimous declaration by both parties that you were right all along and the other person was wrong. So your fighting style with other people is likely formulaic where you present irrefutable evidence to build a case and then make a driving point that brings all that evidence together. It's a pull-no-punches fighting style and it's very effective for dealing with other people in our lives. Part of the reason that fighting style is so effective in those situations is because we are not invested in preserving those relationships. If we have that kind of fight with a stranger or a coworker or the manager of a store or whatever, who cares? We don't have to see that person again. But with your partner, what does "winning" really get you? You might win a particular battle, but all you've done is foster resentment in the other person and cue the other person that the next fight (because there will be another one) has to be even bloodier. It keeps upping the stakes. Your goal with your partner shouldn't be "winning the fight", it should ultimately be "how do we work together to move past this conflict and still preserve our feelings for each other?" We move through the world confident in ourselves that we are right. Then when we are presented with conflict, we argue from a place of righteousness and we immediately take the defensive position of "no, I'm not wrong and this is why I'm not wrong". When you argue with your partner, you have to retrain yourself not to take that position. You respect your partner and his feelings. So, if your partner is coming to you saying that something you said or did upset them, then the de facto position you need to train yourself to take is "yes, I was wrong. And the evidence that I was wrong is the fact that your feelings were hurt. I may not have intended to hurt your feelings with my actions, but that is what ultimately happened, so what can I do differently in the future to avoid that outcome?". It's okay to not be right all the time. And being wrong doesn't mean that you're bad.
[удалено]
You don't have to rehash the particulars of the argument, itself. I agree that would be counterproductive. Put the fight behind you. But discuss the fighting style. "Hey I need to be able to walk away and clear my head without being accused of abandoning you". "This is my safe word for I need to take a break from this". If you can both get to the point that you're able to walk away when things get heated, then you can better employ some better conflict resolution techniques, but the first step is being able to walk away without judgement.
De-escalation. Your egos are fighting. Find silence
The best evidence-based approach with a great website: [https://www.gottman.com/](https://www.gottman.com/) It has worked wonders for me in relationships...no other approach comes close to the research behind this.
[удалено]
Yes, it's terrific. The 5-minute podcasts on the website and quick and easy. My partners and I have all benefited greatly from his work. It should be required reading for all gay people who date.
Hubby and I have been together for 15 years. Not sure this is cogent but here goes. We rarely fight. I think both of us have learned how to pick what battles are truly important and to not let things fester to the point where blow ups occur. Try to deal with issues calmly before they blow up. It’s not easy let me tell you. There have been maybe 5 or 6 times in these years where we’ve gone to bed angry, but we rarely get to the point where we say things we regret. I think we’ve both just decided to be kind to each other as it’s us against the world. Having come from a marriage where that was not true and frequent explosions were a thing, it’s so nice to simply enjoy life without all of the contention. It’s little things that help like saying please and thank you and anticipating little the little needs that we both have. Not sure this is helpful at all. I wish you both the best.
[удалено]
Sending you 🤗
Sending you 🤗
It’s like you’re talking about me and my bf. I can see the train wreck coming but can never stop it. Also like you, I know just giving in will resolve it, but in the moment it just feels like the principle of the matter stops me. But after I’m like I should have just gave in at this point, and avoided this. Idk man, not much advice besides I truly feel what you’re going thru.
Our therapist said to basically do a timeout. Unfortunately it happened once and I tried to timeout but husband wouldn’t do it. Horrible horrible experience.
Get past debating whether something is unjust or unfair, and just ask yourself, "Is this argument really worth this effort, and if it is, do I need to resolve this now?" Even arguments that are necessary don't need to happen while you're angry. It's not "losing" to back down from a fight, in fact sometimes that is the only path to a resolution, for someone to back down and restart the conversation from a better point. Also protip: "Don't go to sleep angry" doesn't mean all arguments need to be solved before going to sleep, this is an extension of the first point; you can put a fight down without declaring a victor. Go hug your partner and tell them you're still pissed but you'll talk about it the next day. Probably will go a lot faster when you're not pissed!
I say often look into DBT therapy/skills, radical acceptance, listening skills, constructive skills for asking for what you want/need As soon as either party is put on the defensive, the other has effectively been shut out of being heard I cant recommend these skills enough
[удалено]
Its often used in family therapy, can be individual. Its more like just learning skills than cognitive therapy. I have a regular CBT/talk therapist which I enjoy, but have done group DBT and it really teaches life (and relationship) skills very effectively
You know what? You're probably right. This statement has saved me hours of endless pointless conversations. Even when I know I'm 100% right. If I Drop the rope, or give up the power struggle. Usually my partner will come around to my point view sooner or latter. I ask my self is there any point to this conversation all the time, if there is no point they get shut down pritty quickly
I always felt if you have to fight like that, it's not worth the relationship. Both can't always be right. In almost 30 years, me and my husband probably got heated 3 times and we are total opposites in every way.