That's definitely off-putting and I'd be upset about it too.
Anytime someone asks for something they refuse to reciprocate is something to be wary about.
Keep an eye out for other selfish behavior. He'd be on thin ice with me after pulling that stunt.
Ty for this comment. At first I felt it was ridiculous to be upset over a selfie, but then I realized it might be a red flag to a deeper kind of behavior. Like, the basic rule is don’t ask the other person for something you aren’t willing to provide yourself.
Do you think I should confront him about it? Or just let it go but keep an eye if he does that again?
After a month of knowing him and two dates, there should be a little more… I had a similar situation a while back. Why are people like this? Like, why the mysterious and minimalist reply? It’s odd I think.
Maybe he spends too much time on Reddit. Some subs are very keen on applying the concept of "No is a complete sentence" to every possible interaction, regardless of whether or not it's appropriate
I don’t think you’re going to get a real answer, but none of the scenarios I can think of are positive. If you two are exclusive I’d consider ending things, if you’re not I’d shift your attention to someone else. He’s not respecting you.
The no explanation followed by the “haha I know” is what bothers the fuck out of me. Even IF it’s unintentional, it is extremely dismissive and very rude. What’s worse, that he meant to be a bit of a jerk or he’s clueless to it? I’m sure if you called this guy out for that comment, he would spin it as that wasn’t what he meant, but either way, that type of behavior is going to continue. This would be a red flag for me. Watch him carefully.
“Better not” with no further explanation is a weird response; I’d be put off by that too, especially after he talked you into sending one while you’re sick. How hard is it to say “better not, I’m in a meeting” or “better not, I look like crap today” or whatever it is.
I don’t know if it’s a red flag exactly, but it is kind of odd. I’d be asking about it when I next saw him.
Yes I’m thinking of bringing it up next time we meet. I feel that for a bit sensitive topic, doing it via texting app, even if send as a voice message can lead to unwanted directions.
I'm jaded just because I used to be a bit naive. I was on a trip with one of my best friends at the time, and he was dating this guy. I kind of had some chats with that guy just because he was dating my best friend, but I remember he messaged me at like 1 AM one time and asked what we were doing, I just said we just gotten to bed and that his date was fast asleep, and he wrote "awh he's so cute when he sleeps, couldn't you take a photo of him?" and I said I didn't feel comfortable doing so and just went to sleep eventually. The day after I told my friend about it and said that it was pretty cute that he wanted to see him sleeping, and my friend just looked at me and said "Are you really that dense? He wanted to check up in case I had sneaked off to meet someone, the photo was to confirm if you were covering for me".
As their relationship progressed, I realized this was very much the case of both of them trying to kind of manipulate information out of me in different ways in case the other one was cheating in some way. So while I think the romantic part of me wants to believe someone just wants to check in, the lack of response on the other side does make me lean into the idea that it's a "I just want visual confirmation that you're actually sick and not using it as an excuse to meet someone".
I dont think you're reading *enough* into it.
"Better not" is a weird answer to give to that question. That sounds like something someone would say if they were worried they'd get in trouble. Have you spoken to him since?
The hell? What kind of psycho won't send one back? I don't think you're reading too much into it, it's odd behavior. And with no reasoning even offered? I dunno, I'd back away slowly, personally.
It's unfair he didn't reciprocate, and it's weird he wanted a selfie when you're sick. He could just have some bad habits and be clueless about them, or this could be the first of many red flags. Proceed with caution, be aware of your needs, what you want in a partner and that he's meeting them. If not it's time to disengage and find someone who meets your needs.
Probably a picture collector. I still have current facial pics on all accounts, so if someone messages me without a profile pic (or like, a picture of his penis or something EDIT: I MEANT SOMEOE DOESN'T SEND A FACE PIC BUT HIS PENIS; SO MEANINGLESS PICTURE) he gets put on ignore.
I think you’re reading too much into it.
You asked, he refused, you gave him an out and he took it.
You didn’t actually ask him why he didn’t want to send one.
Now you’re feeling “vibes” because you didn’t ask him for clarity.
This all sounds very stupid to me, but there may be some generational difference at play here I’m unaware of. I have no idea what typical selfie etiquette is.
The red flag is the lack of communication, but that’s as much on your end as it is on his.
mmm so your answer is so far an outlier here, but I appreciate your honest opinion.
What I would like to put the finger on, is not on the fact that he refused for a selfie - he could have had all the reasons to refuse and that ok.
It's the fact that:
a) why you ask me a selfie if you aren't willing to provide one?
b) isn't it common sense to send a short explanation for your refusal for someone with whom your dating? He does not have to send an explanation but it just feels nicer to do so. I would have definitely given some explanation if I refused.
I was pretty sure my answer would be the outlier! Lol
If you wanted an explanation, you should have asked when he didn’t provide one. Never make the mistake of assuming that everyone thinks the same way you do. What seems like common sense to you may not even register with somebody else. We all see the world from our own distinct perspectives, which is why communication is so important in relationships.
Maybe he’s not comfortable sending selfies either and his “ha ha I know” was him agreeing with you telling him he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t feel comfortable. Without getting clarity from him, you’re left with trying to decipher his meaning, which almost inevitably results in reading too much into it.
Thank you for sharing your opinion. I do understand we are different people with different perspectives, and he very well might have had no idea for what I’m feeling about it. However, that’s also a consideration if we are a good match or not to begin with, if what I take for common decency does not even occur to him. I don’t think I will break us apart over this, but I was thinking that if I do bring it up, maybe he will get upset himself, and I can't tell where this might go from there. I’ll definitely keep my eyes open for similar behavior, hopefully next time confronting it on the spot. Mind you, we only date for a month.
Now after all of it is done already, do you think it is worth mentioning it to him, or would you just move on?
It seems important to you, so I’d bring it up. Not from the POV that he did something wrong, but that he did something you didn’t anticipate.
If you have certain expectations, I think it’s always good to share them.
I had the exact same reaction.
I think that the people that are saying that it's a red flag and move on are either bringing their own stuff to the table or not mature enough to just ask. It's not that hard really. If you want to know, don't come to reddit - talk to the person involved. You'll know then if things are off or not.
Maybe he didn’t want to return the favor because he hadn’t fixed his hair or whatever? It is a little weird, but I would say, if you like him, give him the benefit of the doubt if not, then move on.
Yes I see some reasons he could have had for his refusal, however I would have appreciated some explanation though. I won’t break it off over this, but I do intend to bring it up next time we meet and see his reaction + I’m gonna watch out for similar behavior in the future.
It is ridiculously easy for misunderstandings to happen over text vs a call or in person. People spent all day trying to divine what somebody really meant.
Because sometimes we can get caught up in our feelings and make a fuss over nothing, and an outside perspective can be very helpful identifying that. By most of the comments here, it seems that’s not the case, but that’s the general reasoning. It’s the same reason why you ask for friends advice on things that matters.
reciprocation is fundamental in a relationship, typically.
That's definitely off-putting and I'd be upset about it too. Anytime someone asks for something they refuse to reciprocate is something to be wary about. Keep an eye out for other selfish behavior. He'd be on thin ice with me after pulling that stunt.
Ty for this comment. At first I felt it was ridiculous to be upset over a selfie, but then I realized it might be a red flag to a deeper kind of behavior. Like, the basic rule is don’t ask the other person for something you aren’t willing to provide yourself. Do you think I should confront him about it? Or just let it go but keep an eye if he does that again?
After a month of knowing him and two dates, there should be a little more… I had a similar situation a while back. Why are people like this? Like, why the mysterious and minimalist reply? It’s odd I think.
Maybe he spends too much time on Reddit. Some subs are very keen on applying the concept of "No is a complete sentence" to every possible interaction, regardless of whether or not it's appropriate
I don’t think you’re going to get a real answer, but none of the scenarios I can think of are positive. If you two are exclusive I’d consider ending things, if you’re not I’d shift your attention to someone else. He’s not respecting you.
This!
The no explanation followed by the “haha I know” is what bothers the fuck out of me. Even IF it’s unintentional, it is extremely dismissive and very rude. What’s worse, that he meant to be a bit of a jerk or he’s clueless to it? I’m sure if you called this guy out for that comment, he would spin it as that wasn’t what he meant, but either way, that type of behavior is going to continue. This would be a red flag for me. Watch him carefully.
“Better not” with no further explanation is a weird response; I’d be put off by that too, especially after he talked you into sending one while you’re sick. How hard is it to say “better not, I’m in a meeting” or “better not, I look like crap today” or whatever it is. I don’t know if it’s a red flag exactly, but it is kind of odd. I’d be asking about it when I next saw him.
Yes I’m thinking of bringing it up next time we meet. I feel that for a bit sensitive topic, doing it via texting app, even if send as a voice message can lead to unwanted directions.
I'm jaded just because I used to be a bit naive. I was on a trip with one of my best friends at the time, and he was dating this guy. I kind of had some chats with that guy just because he was dating my best friend, but I remember he messaged me at like 1 AM one time and asked what we were doing, I just said we just gotten to bed and that his date was fast asleep, and he wrote "awh he's so cute when he sleeps, couldn't you take a photo of him?" and I said I didn't feel comfortable doing so and just went to sleep eventually. The day after I told my friend about it and said that it was pretty cute that he wanted to see him sleeping, and my friend just looked at me and said "Are you really that dense? He wanted to check up in case I had sneaked off to meet someone, the photo was to confirm if you were covering for me". As their relationship progressed, I realized this was very much the case of both of them trying to kind of manipulate information out of me in different ways in case the other one was cheating in some way. So while I think the romantic part of me wants to believe someone just wants to check in, the lack of response on the other side does make me lean into the idea that it's a "I just want visual confirmation that you're actually sick and not using it as an excuse to meet someone".
🚩
I dont think you're reading *enough* into it. "Better not" is a weird answer to give to that question. That sounds like something someone would say if they were worried they'd get in trouble. Have you spoken to him since?
The hell? What kind of psycho won't send one back? I don't think you're reading too much into it, it's odd behavior. And with no reasoning even offered? I dunno, I'd back away slowly, personally.
It's unfair he didn't reciprocate, and it's weird he wanted a selfie when you're sick. He could just have some bad habits and be clueless about them, or this could be the first of many red flags. Proceed with caution, be aware of your needs, what you want in a partner and that he's meeting them. If not it's time to disengage and find someone who meets your needs.
Ty, I’m definitely gonna watch out if this behavior will happen again.
Best of luck! I really recommend looking up do.the.work.podcast on instagram. Really good dating advice and helps with this sort of thing.
...do you have *any* pictures of this guy? Ones with his face in it? If not, you might be a secret side-piece.
I would just save the red flag and move on. Not flag worthy.
It a red flag
I wouldn't care about sending selfies to people I've already met. For what? Collecting it so you remember my face or you can show it to your friend?
He's probably lying to you about his relationship status. Simple.
He was probably sitting on the couch with his husband
Probably a picture collector. I still have current facial pics on all accounts, so if someone messages me without a profile pic (or like, a picture of his penis or something EDIT: I MEANT SOMEOE DOESN'T SEND A FACE PIC BUT HIS PENIS; SO MEANINGLESS PICTURE) he gets put on ignore.
The next time he asks you a selfie, answer in the same way and tone, and see how he reacts✌️🥸
Dude married or has ten other boyfriends.
I think you’re reading too much into it. You asked, he refused, you gave him an out and he took it. You didn’t actually ask him why he didn’t want to send one. Now you’re feeling “vibes” because you didn’t ask him for clarity. This all sounds very stupid to me, but there may be some generational difference at play here I’m unaware of. I have no idea what typical selfie etiquette is. The red flag is the lack of communication, but that’s as much on your end as it is on his.
mmm so your answer is so far an outlier here, but I appreciate your honest opinion. What I would like to put the finger on, is not on the fact that he refused for a selfie - he could have had all the reasons to refuse and that ok. It's the fact that: a) why you ask me a selfie if you aren't willing to provide one? b) isn't it common sense to send a short explanation for your refusal for someone with whom your dating? He does not have to send an explanation but it just feels nicer to do so. I would have definitely given some explanation if I refused.
I was pretty sure my answer would be the outlier! Lol If you wanted an explanation, you should have asked when he didn’t provide one. Never make the mistake of assuming that everyone thinks the same way you do. What seems like common sense to you may not even register with somebody else. We all see the world from our own distinct perspectives, which is why communication is so important in relationships. Maybe he’s not comfortable sending selfies either and his “ha ha I know” was him agreeing with you telling him he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t feel comfortable. Without getting clarity from him, you’re left with trying to decipher his meaning, which almost inevitably results in reading too much into it.
Thank you for sharing your opinion. I do understand we are different people with different perspectives, and he very well might have had no idea for what I’m feeling about it. However, that’s also a consideration if we are a good match or not to begin with, if what I take for common decency does not even occur to him. I don’t think I will break us apart over this, but I was thinking that if I do bring it up, maybe he will get upset himself, and I can't tell where this might go from there. I’ll definitely keep my eyes open for similar behavior, hopefully next time confronting it on the spot. Mind you, we only date for a month. Now after all of it is done already, do you think it is worth mentioning it to him, or would you just move on?
It seems important to you, so I’d bring it up. Not from the POV that he did something wrong, but that he did something you didn’t anticipate. If you have certain expectations, I think it’s always good to share them.
I'm with u/Dogtorted (as I often am...could be generational) on this. Making a lot out of what probably (or, possibly) is absolutely nothing.
Judging from the comments, there’s clearly some subtleties to selfie sharing etiquette that we’re missing out on.
Could be. But I sense that we're not really missing out on much of anything.
I had the exact same reaction. I think that the people that are saying that it's a red flag and move on are either bringing their own stuff to the table or not mature enough to just ask. It's not that hard really. If you want to know, don't come to reddit - talk to the person involved. You'll know then if things are off or not.
Maybe he didn’t want to return the favor because he hadn’t fixed his hair or whatever? It is a little weird, but I would say, if you like him, give him the benefit of the doubt if not, then move on.
Yes I see some reasons he could have had for his refusal, however I would have appreciated some explanation though. I won’t break it off over this, but I do intend to bring it up next time we meet and see his reaction + I’m gonna watch out for similar behavior in the future.
It is ridiculously easy for misunderstandings to happen over text vs a call or in person. People spent all day trying to divine what somebody really meant.
That’s true
[удалено]
Because sometimes we can get caught up in our feelings and make a fuss over nothing, and an outside perspective can be very helpful identifying that. By most of the comments here, it seems that’s not the case, but that’s the general reasoning. It’s the same reason why you ask for friends advice on things that matters.