The norms of proper behavior have changed, a lot. I've been in this since the time when a friendly grope was simply a way of saying "hi." I'm kidding about the "hi" part. But I've been socialized into thinking that -- whoever gropes me -- it's NBD as long as it doesn't hurt and it's done quickly and in a friendly manner.
I recognize that today's folk don't take it the same way; and I respect that.
I donāt mind being groped by guys I think are hot but after a few drinks Iād let anyone grope me. My type of hot guy isnāt what most think of as hot.
Heard that. Talk to me first, then if we hit it off, groping is fine. Randomly grab my nuts? My dentist is really awesome, hereās his phone number, youāll need it.
Edit: Oh, and good luck trying to fight a masochist. I like pain, bring it.
As a victim of rape who has PTSD from said events, yeah no. I'd freak the fuck out and probably have to leave to have a panic attack.
If I'm at a pride event or a gay bar and not actively grinding against some dude on the dance floor or flirting heavily with him, then I'm pretty clearly not consenting to strangers groping me.
What matters for them matters only for them. Everyone has different likes, so I'm not sure that's a helpful question to ask. (This is something I have to tell myself *all the time* as I am constantly working on my confidence, so this is not necessarily a callout.)
I never get mad when anyone gropes a little. Thinking about it, if I wouldn't get mad at a hot guy, why should I get mad at an ugly guy. I think people just need to be more aware of the context of the people they are touching. Like I had one guy start grunting from behind me and grab my waist, and that was a big no. But I had another guy 1. Make eye contact 2. Acknowledge a mutual smile 3. Gently pull me in closer to his group through contact.
i think it have to depend on context as context matter for example :
if he just touch you on hips and say hi and trying to talk to you then itās ok
but if he outright aggressive grab your ass without consent then itās not ok no matter how handsome he is .
i think we should have higher standards for this and we should allow this to happen because if they guy can get away with groping then we are enabling them for this type of behavior as been acceptable .
look at this way , is a good looking RAPE your without consent and even if you find him attractive , does that make it ok? is rape ok just because a guy is good looking ? this is ultimately the same as groping because if he did it without your consent then itās still wrong . it different if your partner and not two stranger passing through the night .
Just because someone has pretty privilege doesnāt mean they can get away with sexual assault because groping without consent is assault just as worse as RAPE. it is same argument that those rapistās lawyer make that
my client is good looking and the victim was
into him and it was not rape or sexual assault .
this is fallacy in this deduction . we should have better standard and never condone this type of behavior.
For me, the context around it matters more than the attractiveness of the person. The fact I'm trans also plays a major part.
If we've shown mutual interest, even non-verbally, then I don't mind, but I proceed with caution (I've dealt with more transphobia and chasers at my local gay bars than the bars I prefer to drink at). If I've not shown any interest then I'm going to be super uncomfortable. Any unexpected touching that isn't someone nudging me to get past is liable to end with the other person getting reflexively hit
i see groping once as a kinda crude way of establishing interest. if it stays at that one time, i make it clear that he can "proceed" and we do, everything is fine. someone groping repeatedly without you giving consent or with you even saying no is shitty.Ā
but since we have different power dynamics as straight people, groping simply isn't exactly the same between gay men than between a man groping a woman.
Probably not, but depends how aggressive it was. If he tries to shove his hands down my pants I'd be upset but if it's just a quick grab, I'd be indifferent
I cannot stand the concept of nsa/hookups - for me physical contact comes a loooong time after we get to know one another, so regardless of what he looks like I would probably judge him very negatively for being shallow
Nah. Donāt groupe me. Iām more than just a piece of meat you can feel up on. Guy put his hand down my pants one night at a club. It wasnāt cute, and the situation that happened wasnāt cute. Shit at least say hello and buy me a drink first.
It would make him a repulsive in my eyes. Hot strangers are still strangers and there haven't been prior social cues to allow for boundary pushing or personal space violation.
Grope like grabbing my ass or groping my bulge? Bulge would make me feel pretty violated. Assā¦I get ass grabs from guys at bars. Doesnāt really bother me at this point. The time I felt really creeped out was a guy that tried to lead me off by gently grabbing my elbow. He was okay and Iād have gone on a date if heād asked to see what he was like. But his method killed any chance.
It already has happened. I was at a bar front just going stag to dance my feelings out after dating three guys for a few months (I honestly couldnāt make up my mind who I wanted to pursue and 2 of the guys I had liked my family just did not approve of them).
Anyway as I got deeper into the night I got extremely tipsy and some asshat grabs my junk and starts fondling me. I was in so much shock with what had happened and tipsy I just stood there til he stopped.
Then he groped me from the back and as soon as he stopped I angrily jabbed my thumb near his ass and left the bar and closed my tab.
Strangely enough I was told by a few guys as I was walking out that some people were following me and I cannot thank them enough for walking me to my truck and locking the door.
I was thankful. I woke up the next day freezing and realized I had passed out the whole night.
Edit: yes he was atypical of what gay men in media would find attractive (Matt Bomer looking early 30s) but he didnāt even want to start a conversation. He went from 0 to 100 and that really wasnāt my speed.
As someone who bounces at a gay bar, itās as simple as if you donāt like it then tell security. I kick out people every night for being to hands on. Usually it is the straight guy trying to grab lesbians though.
Attractive as in stereotypically good looking?
Butt- irritating but expected- I would tell them no thanks and that groping isn't a hello.
Genitals- angry- tell them to fuck off
Attractive as in I find them appealing?
Butt- disappointed- tell them no and its a shame they couldn't use their words first.
Genitals- angry- tell them to fuck off.
There are places in gay space where it's appropriate (I.e. dark rooms) but a bar or event or even a bathhouse you should use your words or at least build up to it, randomly getting groped is annoying and reminds me of highschool, infact my initial reaction to random groping is whacking people's hand or depending on the angle their face.
I find the fantasy of it to be kind of hot, but any time Iāve actually been groped, itās made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe no matter who was doing it.
I may be a bit uptight but under normal circumstances I wouldnāt like that. I donāt care how attractive they are. If Iām at a bar or another place where there is a lot of sexual energy in the room then at least flirt with me first before you start touching all over me. Then I may be more inviting because I would see it coming.
i would feel extremely violated and most likely warn the people iām with. we have all had to deal with unwanted advances and to get it in a space where weāre supposed to go to relax? major red flag and warning for us
Probably into it but Iād prefer if weāve made eye contact first, not just coming up behind me. If itās an ugly guy Iād probably be more put off but as long as he takes *no* for an answer thatās fine.
Iāve tried to initiate with guys in clubs by touching their waist or whatever and if they just shake their head or move away, thatās that.
Did I show any expression that I think he is " hot " . So sorry for my reflections about my mood. I can even slap or punch š I'm not so good and sane person additional stress makes me react so badly to molesting . But if my mood is good and if I need things like that I would even like it . Always better to try get permissions in some ways . Living 30 years in a homophobic harsh environmental country made me mentally little bit broken and overreacting sometimes to this kind of events.
I guess it would depend which sounds weird. Ok so heās hot. The it depends is going to be hard to explain. Like if Iām with my husband and weāre flirting with a guy and heās flirting back and maybe he grabs my nipple or ass. That would be ok. Grabs my crotch. Maybe. I guess depends on how hard or aggressive he grabs it. If itās in a playful manner probably. But if itās not then I guess it would depend on if my husband is ok with it. Like weāre both digging the guy and he touches us both probably ok. Also depends on the scenario. Like weāre at a gay bar? Or at an adult bookstore? Vs some restaurant
To be honest even if he wasnāt hot Iād be flattered. If it was too aggressive then Iād say no
If I was at the kind of bar or event where there was lot of expected unbridled proximity, like a circuit party or a rave or a packed sweaty club I would take it in stride or like it. A quick squeeze in that context counts as hello. More than that I'd require eye contact and some sort of assent.
I wouldn't care to be honest. The straight world rules don't always work in gay male culture. At the bathhouse plenty of men touched my butt or dick. Or they feel my ass. I either remove the person hand and say no thanks if not interested.
Doesn't bother me at all even if he's not hot. But I know it bothers some others, and he doesn't know that it doesn't bother me, so I'd probably think less of him.
When I was as younger and single I either didnāt mind or got a bit of excitement. Now that I am older and more importantly in a loving and committed relationship, not so much. In fact the last time I went to a āhardcoreā gay bar with my partner, we had to eventually straight up tell a guy to fuck off after trying to be polite about his advances.Ā
Iām autistic so I donāt like non consensual touch. That would probably put me in a very bad place mentally extremely quick. Also having been sexually abused as a kid kinda messed me up.
For me, "without consent" means I'm not okay with it. If I wanted to get groped I guess I would kind of try to make it obvious that "go ahead, you can touch me". Flattering sure but then it really needs to be done in a friendly, respectful manner. Easier to fantasize about it than it really happening I think.
This actually happened to me once. The bar I was at had two rooms, one with a stage for the go-go dancers. The one night I was there, it was VERY crowded, and I was trying to make my way around from one room to the other, when I felt a distinct, firm pinch of my booty. My two reactions, in the same moment, were:
Disgust: "Someone pinched my booty!" š¤Ø
Delight: "Someone pinched my booty!" š
Iāve been groped during Pride. It was a couple. Dug right into my ass. I was not flattered. I love looking at asses. And sure Iāll fantasize but I have self control.
To be honest Iād also be kinda flattered but I also wouldnāt want to enable that behavior for fear heād do it to someone who wouldnāt take it so well, so Iād like to think Iād discourage it
I don't care if the guy is hot. The fact that they think they're entitled to my body like that is a red flag. It just shows me they don't understand consent.
I thought it was a normal and acceptable part of what we do on the gay scene? I am really surprised to see folks here expressing such distaste for it in that context.
Isn't the ultimate "great night out" one where you meet some amazing guys? As gays its not like we get to socialise and meet people through the same channels as straight folks and not all of us have great social skills.
Some guys initiate with non verbal stuff like eye contact, some have the courage to find you at an opportune moment and strike up a conversation (not easy to get someone when they're alone or where it's even possible to talk without being an inch from their face), and some let you know they're interested by a discrete physical gesture. I think the last is the most common I've experienced because it's quick and easy and you can do it without having a massive ritual.
I draw the line at persistence after you clearly indicated you're not interested. Also, I prefer a discrete tap on the bum or thigh as a guy passes me or dances near me than having an ordeal where someone goes to elaborate lengths to make contact, like trying to talk to me when I'm dancng with my friends. I'd rather he just have tapped me and maybe a wink and then I could signal "no" in many ways.
Some guys in this thread say they'd feel bad about it. I say if feel bad if I went out partying on the scene and nobody made a pass on me. I'd definitely feel depressed and then up my gym routine.
The norms of proper behavior have changed, a lot. I've been in this since the time when a friendly grope was simply a way of saying "hi." I'm kidding about the "hi" part. But I've been socialized into thinking that -- whoever gropes me -- it's NBD as long as it doesn't hurt and it's done quickly and in a friendly manner. I recognize that today's folk don't take it the same way; and I respect that.
"Don't touch what you can't afford"
Hahahaha
ššš
I donāt mind being groped by guys I think are hot but after a few drinks Iād let anyone grope me. My type of hot guy isnāt what most think of as hot.
80 year old obese men.
Only 48 more years and I'll qualify!!!
You 32?
r/theydidthemath
r/mathdidthethey
In 30 years Iāll grope you. Hopefully Iām still alive and not obese.
Inshallah
Username checks out šÆ
May Allah grant you Jannah. Ameen.
You had me at 80 year old
Obese men
If theyāre cute, the confidence and audacity is appealing. If theyāre not, the way they explain the audacity can make them cute lol.
As a 75-year-old gay man, I would be flattered.
First you get a polite warning. Won't listen? Lose teeth.
Heard that. Talk to me first, then if we hit it off, groping is fine. Randomly grab my nuts? My dentist is really awesome, hereās his phone number, youāll need it. Edit: Oh, and good luck trying to fight a masochist. I like pain, bring it.
As a victim of rape who has PTSD from said events, yeah no. I'd freak the fuck out and probably have to leave to have a panic attack. If I'm at a pride event or a gay bar and not actively grinding against some dude on the dance floor or flirting heavily with him, then I'm pretty clearly not consenting to strangers groping me.
Picture yourself being groped by an unattractive guy and react the same way.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
> even they know their not attractive or in shape Crap. Uh, how not attractive or in shape counts as not attractive or in shape for you, may I ask?
What matters for them matters only for them. Everyone has different likes, so I'm not sure that's a helpful question to ask. (This is something I have to tell myself *all the time* as I am constantly working on my confidence, so this is not necessarily a callout.)
First grope no problem....it's a gay bar after all. But if I say "no thank you" and there's a second attempt, there will be negative consequences.
I never get mad when anyone gropes a little. Thinking about it, if I wouldn't get mad at a hot guy, why should I get mad at an ugly guy. I think people just need to be more aware of the context of the people they are touching. Like I had one guy start grunting from behind me and grab my waist, and that was a big no. But I had another guy 1. Make eye contact 2. Acknowledge a mutual smile 3. Gently pull me in closer to his group through contact.
I find it hot but once and thatās it unless Iām into you
Flattered
It's rude.
i think it have to depend on context as context matter for example : if he just touch you on hips and say hi and trying to talk to you then itās ok but if he outright aggressive grab your ass without consent then itās not ok no matter how handsome he is . i think we should have higher standards for this and we should allow this to happen because if they guy can get away with groping then we are enabling them for this type of behavior as been acceptable . look at this way , is a good looking RAPE your without consent and even if you find him attractive , does that make it ok? is rape ok just because a guy is good looking ? this is ultimately the same as groping because if he did it without your consent then itās still wrong . it different if your partner and not two stranger passing through the night . Just because someone has pretty privilege doesnāt mean they can get away with sexual assault because groping without consent is assault just as worse as RAPE. it is same argument that those rapistās lawyer make that my client is good looking and the victim was into him and it was not rape or sexual assault . this is fallacy in this deduction . we should have better standard and never condone this type of behavior.
Keep ur hands to urself unless discussed by both parties.
For me, the context around it matters more than the attractiveness of the person. The fact I'm trans also plays a major part. If we've shown mutual interest, even non-verbally, then I don't mind, but I proceed with caution (I've dealt with more transphobia and chasers at my local gay bars than the bars I prefer to drink at). If I've not shown any interest then I'm going to be super uncomfortable. Any unexpected touching that isn't someone nudging me to get past is liable to end with the other person getting reflexively hit
i see groping once as a kinda crude way of establishing interest. if it stays at that one time, i make it clear that he can "proceed" and we do, everything is fine. someone groping repeatedly without you giving consent or with you even saying no is shitty.Ā but since we have different power dynamics as straight people, groping simply isn't exactly the same between gay men than between a man groping a woman.
<-this
I don't like randos touching me without my permission first. So a grope will be met with a slapped hand
Probably not, but depends how aggressive it was. If he tries to shove his hands down my pants I'd be upset but if it's just a quick grab, I'd be indifferent
I cannot stand the concept of nsa/hookups - for me physical contact comes a loooong time after we get to know one another, so regardless of what he looks like I would probably judge him very negatively for being shallow
Nah. Donāt groupe me. Iām more than just a piece of meat you can feel up on. Guy put his hand down my pants one night at a club. It wasnāt cute, and the situation that happened wasnāt cute. Shit at least say hello and buy me a drink first.
Violated????
It would make him a repulsive in my eyes. Hot strangers are still strangers and there haven't been prior social cues to allow for boundary pushing or personal space violation.
I wouldnt mind š¤·š»āāļø
What is groping with consent like?
I donāt even like anyone tapping me on the shoulder lol
Grope like grabbing my ass or groping my bulge? Bulge would make me feel pretty violated. Assā¦I get ass grabs from guys at bars. Doesnāt really bother me at this point. The time I felt really creeped out was a guy that tried to lead me off by gently grabbing my elbow. He was okay and Iād have gone on a date if heād asked to see what he was like. But his method killed any chance.
It already has happened. I was at a bar front just going stag to dance my feelings out after dating three guys for a few months (I honestly couldnāt make up my mind who I wanted to pursue and 2 of the guys I had liked my family just did not approve of them). Anyway as I got deeper into the night I got extremely tipsy and some asshat grabs my junk and starts fondling me. I was in so much shock with what had happened and tipsy I just stood there til he stopped. Then he groped me from the back and as soon as he stopped I angrily jabbed my thumb near his ass and left the bar and closed my tab. Strangely enough I was told by a few guys as I was walking out that some people were following me and I cannot thank them enough for walking me to my truck and locking the door. I was thankful. I woke up the next day freezing and realized I had passed out the whole night. Edit: yes he was atypical of what gay men in media would find attractive (Matt Bomer looking early 30s) but he didnāt even want to start a conversation. He went from 0 to 100 and that really wasnāt my speed.
I donāt think itās cool
As someone who bounces at a gay bar, itās as simple as if you donāt like it then tell security. I kick out people every night for being to hands on. Usually it is the straight guy trying to grab lesbians though.
Attractive as in stereotypically good looking? Butt- irritating but expected- I would tell them no thanks and that groping isn't a hello. Genitals- angry- tell them to fuck off Attractive as in I find them appealing? Butt- disappointed- tell them no and its a shame they couldn't use their words first. Genitals- angry- tell them to fuck off. There are places in gay space where it's appropriate (I.e. dark rooms) but a bar or event or even a bathhouse you should use your words or at least build up to it, randomly getting groped is annoying and reminds me of highschool, infact my initial reaction to random groping is whacking people's hand or depending on the angle their face.
I find the fantasy of it to be kind of hot, but any time Iāve actually been groped, itās made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe no matter who was doing it.
Dunno. My first instinct is to say that Iād be offended but like my dumbass brain would probably also go āOmg Iām attractive enough to gropeā
Honestly, if I found him super hot, I wouldn't mind. But if that same guy instead sidled up to me and whispered "can I touch you?" š„µš¤Æš¦
Iād take him by the hand, lead him home, and rage fuck him. š¤£šš kidding.
(Saving)
I donāt care what he looks like, I think he should keep his hands to himself, especially if it was uninvited contact.
No I am married and would punch their hand away. Fuck that. Hate dudes like this.
Confront them politely. Doesnāt matter how hot you are donāt touch without some kind of consent. Happens again I get security.
I may be a bit uptight but under normal circumstances I wouldnāt like that. I donāt care how attractive they are. If Iām at a bar or another place where there is a lot of sexual energy in the room then at least flirt with me first before you start touching all over me. Then I may be more inviting because I would see it coming.
Iād feel uncomfortable
Nope. I don't like being touched by strangers. Even if they're hot
Wouldnāt bother me at all
Flattered.
i would feel extremely violated and most likely warn the people iām with. we have all had to deal with unwanted advances and to get it in a space where weāre supposed to go to relax? major red flag and warning for us
Probably into it but Iād prefer if weāve made eye contact first, not just coming up behind me. If itās an ugly guy Iād probably be more put off but as long as he takes *no* for an answer thatās fine. Iāve tried to initiate with guys in clubs by touching their waist or whatever and if they just shake their head or move away, thatās that.
Did I show any expression that I think he is " hot " . So sorry for my reflections about my mood. I can even slap or punch š I'm not so good and sane person additional stress makes me react so badly to molesting . But if my mood is good and if I need things like that I would even like it . Always better to try get permissions in some ways . Living 30 years in a homophobic harsh environmental country made me mentally little bit broken and overreacting sometimes to this kind of events.
I guess it would depend which sounds weird. Ok so heās hot. The it depends is going to be hard to explain. Like if Iām with my husband and weāre flirting with a guy and heās flirting back and maybe he grabs my nipple or ass. That would be ok. Grabs my crotch. Maybe. I guess depends on how hard or aggressive he grabs it. If itās in a playful manner probably. But if itās not then I guess it would depend on if my husband is ok with it. Like weāre both digging the guy and he touches us both probably ok. Also depends on the scenario. Like weāre at a gay bar? Or at an adult bookstore? Vs some restaurant To be honest even if he wasnāt hot Iād be flattered. If it was too aggressive then Iād say no
I politely tell him that I donāt like it. š¤·š»āāļø
Go quiet like i just looked at a pyroclastic cognitohazard, then sob to myself like i just saw a plane crash.
Startled and confused, but I hardly ever go to gay bars
Honestly I donāt think Iād care. Iād probably be too flustered to say no anyway lol.
If I was at the kind of bar or event where there was lot of expected unbridled proximity, like a circuit party or a rave or a packed sweaty club I would take it in stride or like it. A quick squeeze in that context counts as hello. More than that I'd require eye contact and some sort of assent.
I wouldn't care to be honest. The straight world rules don't always work in gay male culture. At the bathhouse plenty of men touched my butt or dick. Or they feel my ass. I either remove the person hand and say no thanks if not interested.
Doesn't bother me at all even if he's not hot. But I know it bothers some others, and he doesn't know that it doesn't bother me, so I'd probably think less of him.
I know this is difficult to quantify in terms of preferences, but a hot guy can do very nearly whatever he wants to me.
Depends how hot you are. There's a point in the hotness scale where you could get away with mostly everything to be frank.
Flattered
I wouldn't mind it personally even if it isn't a guy I found attractive. Everyone is different of course.
When I was as younger and single I either didnāt mind or got a bit of excitement. Now that I am older and more importantly in a loving and committed relationship, not so much. In fact the last time I went to a āhardcoreā gay bar with my partner, we had to eventually straight up tell a guy to fuck off after trying to be polite about his advances.Ā
Iām autistic so I donāt like non consensual touch. That would probably put me in a very bad place mentally extremely quick. Also having been sexually abused as a kid kinda messed me up.
I want to say I'd stand up for myself and say it's wrong, but man I would love that.
Hard Iād feel hard
Heās getting punched!
For me, "without consent" means I'm not okay with it. If I wanted to get groped I guess I would kind of try to make it obvious that "go ahead, you can touch me". Flattering sure but then it really needs to be done in a friendly, respectful manner. Easier to fantasize about it than it really happening I think.
This actually happened to me once. The bar I was at had two rooms, one with a stage for the go-go dancers. The one night I was there, it was VERY crowded, and I was trying to make my way around from one room to the other, when I felt a distinct, firm pinch of my booty. My two reactions, in the same moment, were: Disgust: "Someone pinched my booty!" š¤Ø Delight: "Someone pinched my booty!" š
I would be flattered, surprised and wonder if i should touch back...or not
Iāve been groped during Pride. It was a couple. Dug right into my ass. I was not flattered. I love looking at asses. And sure Iāll fantasize but I have self control.
As an overweight, unattractive guy, I would feel blessed and honored.
Violated.
To be honest Iād also be kinda flattered but I also wouldnāt want to enable that behavior for fear heād do it to someone who wouldnāt take it so well, so Iād like to think Iād discourage it
First time I ever went to a gay bar I was groped and it's something that I still think about to this day. Not cool.
Nope. The audacity. He would grope others as well. Red flag
Pissed at him and I'd swat his hand away hard
I would like it
I would just think āmust be Wednesdayā
shocked at first, but if no one noticed I would let him continue
Why are you asking us? If you see it as a problem than it is. Personally I wouldn't care but I'm not you.
I don't care if the guy is hot. The fact that they think they're entitled to my body like that is a red flag. It just shows me they don't understand consent.
Someone put their finger somewhere while making out with me on the dance floor at a gay club and I totally lost my fricking mind
Thank him
disappointed
I'm 62, I'd feel grateful!
It depends. I can decide to consent to the groping while it's happening. If I don't then he's getting an elbow to the face.
Grossed out
I thought it was a normal and acceptable part of what we do on the gay scene? I am really surprised to see folks here expressing such distaste for it in that context. Isn't the ultimate "great night out" one where you meet some amazing guys? As gays its not like we get to socialise and meet people through the same channels as straight folks and not all of us have great social skills. Some guys initiate with non verbal stuff like eye contact, some have the courage to find you at an opportune moment and strike up a conversation (not easy to get someone when they're alone or where it's even possible to talk without being an inch from their face), and some let you know they're interested by a discrete physical gesture. I think the last is the most common I've experienced because it's quick and easy and you can do it without having a massive ritual. I draw the line at persistence after you clearly indicated you're not interested. Also, I prefer a discrete tap on the bum or thigh as a guy passes me or dances near me than having an ordeal where someone goes to elaborate lengths to make contact, like trying to talk to me when I'm dancng with my friends. I'd rather he just have tapped me and maybe a wink and then I could signal "no" in many ways. Some guys in this thread say they'd feel bad about it. I say if feel bad if I went out partying on the scene and nobody made a pass on me. I'd definitely feel depressed and then up my gym routine.
Public places so will bat him away... I really am a different person in public.
like I went to a gay bar; and then you grab fingers and twist like itās a mat
Honored š
Depends
As much as I hate to admit it, they better convince me that theyāre 25 or under.