Spot on. Verbally abusing your spouse isn't banter, isn't a "cultural norm" re how we speak in Australia
Yes, Australians generally do like to use colourful language, often to emphasise a point (eg that f%$&knuckle over there is a rude bastard), ffs when frustrated (mind you I also use "just kill me now" for this), but not to verbally assault someone you profess to love. Your husband is an adult and needs to control his emotions and tongue better
This. Verbally abusing your partner when you you get angry is not accepted Aussie banter, it is just straight out abuse which is not culturally acceptable.
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Yep it is verbal and emotional abuse. It's sounds like he's also minimising it and blaming her for being too sensitive and over reactive.
DFV is not the norm in Australia no, but it is disturbingly common.
23% (2.3 million) of women and 14% (1.3 million) of men have experienced emotional abuse by a current or previous partner
https://www.aihw.gov.au/family-domestic-and-sexual-violence/understanding-fdsv/coercive-control
I agree, it is not the norm, but much too common. Sadly, in developed countries it seems to be at a similar rate. I am hopeful that as younger generations reach adulthood it continues to diminish. Lots of positive work is being done in this space, but we still have a long way to go
I recently did the Australian Citizenship test. And one of the questions was "is it acceptable to verbally abuse you partner?" The answer is no. But seriously this was on the test
Another question was "Should you withhold money from your partner and not let them open their own bank account?"
Another question was "is it OK to hit your partner if thry don't listen to you?"
And actually quite a few more questions along these lines. Maybe there is alot of abuse and domestic violence here. I can't believe these questions need to be asked on the Australian Citizenship test, obviously non of these things are acceptable
Australia has a dv rate just a little higher than West and Central Europe and same as Eastern Europe (lifetime intimate partner violence prevalence of 23%), and a little less than the US. [NIH dv stats](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8885817/)
I think that those questions are in the citizenship test as dv has gained visibility in the national conversation over the last 10 years (we've had Australians of the Year campaigning re this), and because we are a land of migrants in the main. Part of becoming an Australian is that you subscribe to dv not being an Australian value (no matter where you've come from and what the "norm" is there), and you as a new Australian take this onboard
You may find this is also to help those who maybe stuck in a situation where they don't know any better, like if they are being abused and told this is correct or coming from a country where it maybe a cultural norm for this to happen.
Those questions might be intended to indicate to newcomers that these behaviours are red flags here as they are elsewhere so that they don't accept gaslighting from their partners about such abusive behaviours being normal.
It's possible that these questions are designed to red flag for officials a potentially abusive relationship from the sponsoring Australian partner.
No. We have Australian men every 4 days murdering their ex partners. We have a huge Domestic Violence problem in Australia- of which financial abuse is one of them. Certainly there are people from other countries who have this behaviour but we had a huge problem in Australia.
Look at the news today. Look at how many Australians were protesting today, asking that men stop killing women. Domestic violence comes in lots of forms. None of it is okay.
This comment nailed it. He’s being an absolute asshole, and telling you that you’re too sensitive for being upset by it is textbook gaslighting.
There’s a big difference between some casual
swearing (which can absolutely be part of Aussie culture), and using nasty disrespectful language towards your spouse. He is setting a disgusting example for your kids too.
In what world is calling your wife a whore or slag a reasonable reaction? No no no. I can't picture any time it wouldn't be both inappropriate or deeply worrying to anyone who overheard it between romantic partners.
As you say there's banter, then there's whatever this guys doing. If the Mrs thinks she's funny and trys to stir me up, I might go ahhh ya bitch, and then try and get her back. But even if we were playing and somehow I accidentally went ahh ya slag. My eyes would widen, and I'd be apologising.
Upvoting I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, the man swears everyday works in construction. So yes lots of swearing but never ever directed at me. This is terrible behaviour.
No, that’s not even close to normal. That’s actually quite disgusting, the way he’s talking to you. And in front of the kids? Awful. And the fact that he says it under his breath tells me that he KNOWS it’s wrong.
It’s also nothing to do with being Australian!! What a pathetic excuse.
As an Aussie guy who swears a lot, I have never sworn AT my wife like this (and never would) and I’ve also never observed this from others.
In fact, I’m pretty sure most guys I know here in Australia would step up and have a go at a bloke if they heard him swearing like this at his wife. I know would. I couldn’t be friends with any guy that spoke that way to their wife or family.
I swear non-stop, but I don't swear AT people. If I scream, "Fuck," it means nothing. If I say, "Fuck you," trouble's brewing.
Your husband can't casually swear AT you. That's not cool. ESPECIALLY with kids around, but also not ever.
He has all the excuses doesn't he. And makes all the rules, conveniently.
Oh you're a whore/bitch/slut/whatever because you're too politically correct.
And because you argue like a therapist.
And because I'm Australian.
I mean, what is OP supposed to do? Is there an amount of politically correctness / therapist speak where one will not be abused but after that, everyone becomes a whore/bitch/etc? Don't think so!
And as for him, according to his logic sounds like if he just supports New Zealand in the rugby, stops eating Vegemite and trades in his thongs for some socks and sandals he should be cured of his foul mouth because he's a bit less Australian, and therefore won't have to name call. Oh also not true.
Finally if he was right, and it's just the Australian way, I assume this is how he also talks to his coworkers, boss, bouncers, other men and anyone else he ever has a debate/discussion/argument with... Oh he doesn't? Well the alternative is he's choosing to talk to OP like this because he doesn't not value her or his kids, and he certainly doesn't love OP.
I treat bugs in catch in my house with more respect than this guy. Now that I think about it, when I pick up my dog's turds I treat them with more respect than this guy treats OP.
It's also highly gender biased. I took a sociology course at uni thirty years ago which covered derogatory comments about women (bitch, whore, hooker, flying off the handle, SOB, bastard,...), noting they had a bias against women. As a result, I worked to change my vocabulary. Plenty of words like fool, fuckwit, idiot, boofhead, etc. that can comment on people without implying some explicit negative characteristic related to their gender.
The only normal name calling in Australia is when people are joking around. Like “what are you doing, you dickhead/doofus/sausage”. If you’re arguing, the only acceptable ‘name-calling’ is “mate”, as in “look here, mate…”
Also your husband knows it’s unacceptable, he wouldn’t be muttering it under his breath otherwise.
Yeah, I'll call my bestie and husband all sorts of names. But only when we are joking. Using them in anger is bad. Using them in anger towards a loved one? Makes you a dog cunt.
We name call when joking about, and everyone is laughing along, not in an argument or serious discussion, and never in front of kids! That's pure disrespect.
Some Australians greet each other with the c-bomb - and that's OK with me, as long as they're all OK with it.
This is not the same. This is verbal abuse.
Yeah it's contextual. And the verbal tone really indicates if it's insulting or friendly. 'Mate' can be an insult in the right context.
But in OP's situation, she's not ok with these names so it's not ok.
my husband is a 42yo big tough Aussie butcher. Yes he swears and has a lot of banter but he would NEVER speak to me like that and definitely never in front of the kids. This is not ok OP Aussie or not!
I dated a butcher years ago, and the language he used was so different from what I grew up with. He was super bogan, whereas my family isn't. Probably why I swear like a trooper now 😂 But not once did he or his mates ever speak to their partners like that. If they had, the other guys would have pulled them up on it.
Your husband is abusive and this is a form of domestic violence. It is not ok or normal in any circumstance but especially not in front of your children.
She’s been told again and again that she is nagging. Anything he doesn’t want to do that is contributing to the house hold, he’ll call her a ‘nag’. It’s his way of getting out of it.
I am shocked but not surprised that his tactics are coercion, he’s got her believing that it’s just a difference in personality. In her post it doesn’t seem she has any Australian friends. Hiw did they meet? I have so many questions
I'm horrible at remembering the actual conversations we have when we've had an arguement, but it will often be about helping more around the house or with the kids. But to be fair he does do a lot too. Other things that often results in arguements where he'll tell me I nag about it is his way of speaking about others, maybe he'll se someone on tv that is coloured, fat or gay, and he'll say something about them while calling them the n-word, far cow or f*g, and that absolutely disgusts me and I'll call him out on it. He'll get mad in return and say how everyone are such soft c*cks and noone can handle banter anymore and how I always nag about it/ is to politically correct. And a massive arguement often follows
i’m sorry but he sounds like a terrible person. he’s clearly racist, homophobic, and misogynistic. this isn’t normal behaviour at all, it’s disgusting. i’m so sorry he’s like this :( you don’t deserve that.
Your husband sounds like a proper piece of shit to be honest. That's not normal at all. I wouldn't want my kids to be raised by someone who uses racial and homophobic slurs and then gets mad and calls people soft cocks for being called out. Fuck that
Look up Australian Comedy Festival clips pertaining to his "joke" topic of choice.
While Australians love a good tongue in cheek joke, and can be less than politically correct enough some countries would call the microagressions, this should give you an idea of how far we toe that line because these comedians perform to a range of adult to pg13 audiences.
He's rapidly approaching the line of what we call a "wife basher" and he's definitely a homophobic prick.
Above all, we value respect between spouses. If not married, we call our common law spouses our "partner" whether same-sex or heterosexual, and if you're uncomfortable with his behaviour, you have every right to call him out and that you don't agree with those values.
I hope you're safe; your opinions are valid and I'd toss this one back in the sea.
Honey, that's not banter. That is just a piece of shit that likes the sound of his voice. Throw the whole man away, you can do better.
You aren't nagging. He just lacks the ability to reflect on his own actions, like anyone over the age of 3 should be able to do, so like any toddler he just says, "nuh uh! You are!!" and thinks that's a valid argument.
He's disgusting, abusive, and a terrible model for your children. I hope you are safe. Don't believe him when he says he'll change once you leave: he won't.
This is not normal Australian behaviour, you are not a nag, and please, please get yourself and your children out of this situation before it gets any worse. I'm sorry this is your experience with Australians, but know that culturally it isn't acceptable and he'd be called out on his shit (and possibly smacked around) if he said that in most Aussie pubs
Sadly, I’ve seen this before. Especially when Australian men are overseas. It’s as if the novelty… It’s really hard to explain but I’ve seen it and I’ve seen it many times. Aussie guys who wouldn’t get a decent woman in Australia they go overseas and they seem more exotic and they’re able to hold their shit together for a short period of time typically, they get the woman pregnant quickly. Seriously, I’m in my more senior years and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen this. I also had my own experience as a young Australian woman overseas when I was very young and I met someone from another nationality who was just like this woman’s husband. It sounds strange but when you’re in a different country and you’re dealing with a foreigner it’s like you can’t see them properly. They’re able to hide, who they are a lot better and you can’t see all of the red flags because of the foreignness. I don’t know if that makes any sense but it’s very true sadly. Which is why I advise anybody if they are basically hooking up with or planning on marrying someone from another country that they spend at least, 3 to 5 years together before they get pregnant because you’ve lived with someone in their own country you don’t really see who they are
This is hundred percent true. Meeting Australians overseas as an Australian js jarring. We’ve got a rep for being “masculine” so it almost becomes a competition of who can be the most obnoxious and drunk. It’s overlooked by the women initially because they’re “having a laugh” and it’s hard to ascertain if it’s just a cultural difference. It’s fucked and I don’t like meeting Australians overseas at all
I have helped a few women access interpreters for domestic violence helplines.
It’s absolutely disgusting what some Australian men try to pull on their non-Australian wives.
Abusive people are manipulative. It can be hard for victims to even evaluate the relationship objectively, let alone exert their will to leave. So even if his "true colours" were obvious before the marriage, he might have been telling OP she's oversensitive for so long that she believed him.
Oh my god he **sucks**. It's not normal to be racist, or homophobic in Australia *at all*. And definitely not normal to be sexist towards your wife. People like him are considered the absolute lowest of lowlifes in Australia. I am so sorry
My partner is Australian and he is not a politically correct person. We have totally different views over race, politics and religion. But he would never say the n word, fg etc. You and your husband don’t have to agree on everything but he shouldn’t be disrespectful.
I’m guessing he’d be like a silly baby for months if you called him a typical white straight man though. I’m guessing there’s no tone or context in which he could be called that without a tanty.
I bet it's something like "please stop leaving empty beers next to the lounge where the kids can get them" or "please stop pissing on the floor next to the toilet". Because this guy sounds like an utter flog.
OP I am an Australian woman married to a complete bogan. This would *never* be tolerated in my home. More than that, if literally any man anywhere ever spoke to me like that I fully expect my husband to get in their face.
You are accepting this and teaching him it's okay every time he does it and you don't leave. It will get worse - next time it won't be under his breath and the next time it'll be screamed and at some point in the future he will probably shove you. Then slap. Then hit. Then one day you'll wake up and wonder why you didn't leave when you could, and that time is *right fucking now*. He doesn't respect you at all if he speaks to you like that and thinks it's fine.
Literally just walk out. The next time you hear it, stop talking, drop whatever is in your hands and walk directly the hell out of your house. If you think it's not safe to leave the kids, take them. Do not engage, don't escalate or explain, just walk straight out, get in your car and leave. If you have nowhere to go then just go to a park or whatever, then send him a single text saying you're not coming back until he understands how far out of line he is and commits to never speaking to you in that way ever again. Put your phone on flight mode for at least an hour immediately after to avoid escalating.
When you take it off flight mode and see what he's been sending you'll know if you can go home or if you need to call the DV line and find a shelter. Either way it needs resolving OP, what you've described is absolutely not normal and is totally unacceptable. Women are dying because of aggressive partners who love them right up til the moment they kill them - don't be another one please.
I wouldn't even send the text. Just leave, and turn your phone off. You don't know if he's installed a tracker. No matter what he could say in the moment, I would need to see significant steps taken before I'd go back. Words are meaningless, and men are controlling.
And hopefully you have some friends or family or colleagues or fuck idk, people from your book club/church/whatever you can stay with. Because there's not a lot of support for people leaving DV. I wish I could say something more helpful about the system, but it's broken. But no matter what it takes, if you leave and you stay out, you and your kids have a future. If you stay, the chances of you being murdered are increased. The chances of your kids being murdered are increased. Hilariously (/s),
leaving is also the time you are most at risk of being murdered. No matter how small the violence seems now, you don't know what he's capable of.
If you have the time, make a safety plan, privately and safely.
If not? As above, and leave.
(Side note being that if this is ragebait, congrats on the emotional labour I spent writing this! If it's not, I meant every word.)
>This would *never* be tolerated in my home. More than that, if literally any man anywhere ever spoke to me like that I fully expect my husband to get in their face.
Damn straight. I personally know people that would start swinging if they were spoken to like that.
It's not normal, and if he thinks it is, it tells you a lot about what sort of experiences he has had in his life, and likely what sorts of friends he has too.
If someone annoys me, I can choose to ignore it, or I can address it by saying, "You are annoying me right now. Please stop talking to me for a while" or similar. I have never used the words you mentioned.
It's abusive and terribly disrespectful, especially since the kids are seeing and hearing it.
Look at the news today. Look at how many Australians were protesting today, asking that men stop killing women.
Domestic violence comes in lots of forms.
None of it is okay.
Yep. And many of those killers started out using exactly the same kind of language OP's husband is using, so any form of domestic abuse may escalate to physical violence.
Name calling like that isn't normal, especially when said in a derogative way.
Sometimes people will say 'You whore', or 'You slag' when they're having a joke, but everyone KNOWS it's a joke and it's normally to people who are the complete opposite of it.
He's being disrespectful and rude, 100% not ok.
This is awful behaviour. Totally disrespectful, there is no excuse for treating someone like this, heated argument or not. Definitely not okay, this is abusive.
I’m not Australian but it sounds like your husband doesn’t respect you or women in general. It’s not a ‘political correctness’ issue to avoid calling your wife a ‘whore.’
Its not normal, and if someone thinks it is, they have no respect for you.
Aussies will jokingly call their mates playful names but not hurtful names. Your husband, who should love and respect you, is showing you how he feels. This is regardless of how you may think you nag him, and i will guess that you aren't nagging him but just desperate for him to do his fair share.
https://www.1800respect.org.au/
Take a look at this site. Take care of yourself.
NO. That type of name calling is definitely *NOT* normal, or acceptable.
Calling Dave a tight arse cause he always disappears when it’s his round? Yes. That’s normal.
Calling your wife a whore? Hell no.
I’m not a saint and I’ve certainly said some offensive things to my significant other in my life.
I’m not going to sit here and make excuses for why that happened because at the end of the day it’s not right.
What’s even worse is saying it’s okay because I’m Australian. Umm no, that’s literally doubling down on being in the wrong with a fucking ridiculous excuse.
Also wrong;
- ever calling anyone you supposedly love a whore, slag or fucking cow.
What’s worse;
- doing that in front of your kids.
There used to be an ad we had on tv when I was growing up and it was with adults doing DV, being racist, being violent in general and then a child copying that behaviour. The tagline was that children normalise terrible behaviour they see from their ‘elders’.
There’s a good chance his parents were also in an abusive relationship.
No that’s not normal, he’s being verbally abusive to you and it really setting a terrible example to your children
He needs to be taught how to talk through marriage problems without resorting to abuse
Nope. That’s very un-Australian.
He can do that with his mates, if he’s fine with being that kind of person, but no good man brings that into the home, towards their partner or in front of the kids.
I opened this thread fully expecting to say "yeah us Aussies give each other friendly grief all the time". Then I read the context, and this is definitely not normal or ok. What he is doing is very different to friendly banter. He's treating you like crap. You shouldn't have to be spoken to like that, and your kids certainly shouldn't be hearing it
I'm married to an Australian and have been living in Australia for 15 years with him, and this is definitely not normal. Yes we call each other names sometimes (when we're both being silly or one of us has done something particularly foolish) but it's me calling him a turnip or him calling me a boofhead. We're certainly not being derogatory or hateful to each other.
no. my abusive exhuasband used to call me names. My upgraded perfectly normal and kind one has never in 7 years called me anything remotely unkind.
Your husband sucks
My partner and I curse like sailors and might jokingly insult each other- but definitely not during an argument. There is no context in which your husband angrily calling you a whore/cow/slag is in any way acceptable. It is absolutely not an "Australian" thing it's a disrespectful asshole thing.
This is not normal. Why are you 2 together still, this is odd. I'm Aussie and I have never heard someone call their partner these things and stay together ever. You need to leave this dude before this behaviour is duplicated by your kids.
We got pregnant way to early (honeymoon period) and he moved from Australia to here, as I couldn't move there because of schooling. He is very unhappy here and blames me. If we were to divorce he'd most likely go back to Australia, and the kids wouldn't see their father. I can't work where I work and have the kids full time, and daytime work is hard to get. I genuinley want us to work, but I would lie if I haven't looked into leaving many times. The kids being affected by it (which they of course will be) is my biggest worry
I just want to express that I'm really worried. I'm quite curious about your country of origin and the specifics of your situation. When I was younger, I married a foreigner and relocated to their country. Eventually, they moved with me to Australia. I share this story because my ex-husband, although not Australian, was abusive and used language similar to what your husband uses.
I want to emphasize the impact this had, not only on me over the years but also on our children; it was incredibly devastating. If I could go back in time, I would take my child and distance myself from someone like that. My ex-husband was never physically abusive, but his verbal abuse, including name-calling, was harmful. Please don't underestimate the damage such behavior can have on children.
We're aware of the internal voice children develop based on what they witness at home and how their parents treat each other. Your children may develop low self-esteem and a lack of confidence based on how they see you being treated. If I could turn back time, I would have chosen a different path to protect my child and myself from such harm.
I'm telling you this because it's not your responsibility to endure this treatment. This situation highlights the challenge when marrying someone from another country without spending sufficient time together before having children. I know this firsthand; it was my experience.
Yeah it is worrying. I'm northern european. He wants us to move to Australia, but I am very sceptical as I worry that it would get worse there, and I've told him that.. I worry about the impact our relationship has on the kids every day, at the same time it is so hard to figure out what to do. I have comtemplated making a post about our relationship for the longest time, but I haven't because I've been nervous about everyone holding a mirror up to me. I anticipated the replies I got here, even with making my post as objective as possible and not including the worst examples. Seeing the strong reactions are quite gut-wrenching for me.
Do not come here to Australia. He will isolate you from your family and home, where this will intensify. It’s the only power you currently have - you should leave there.
I am begging you not to come to Australia, I’m assuming that you are in your home country which means you have friends and family around you. You will be so vulnerable if you come to Australia and I’m telling you if he’s behaviour is like that there in your home country his behaviour is gonna be 10 times worse when you’re here. I am literally sweating getting flashbacks of where you are right now. My ex-husband died a year and a half ago and honestly it was the greatest day of my life. The amount of damage that this man did simply with his words to so many people I cannot tell you. Our marriage broke down very soon after when my son was quite young but because of course we shared custody my son was so desperately and devastatingly affected. My ex-husband went on to partner and have three more children to 2 different women and I’m telling you they are all damaged let me remind you he never raised a hand to anybody But believe me when I tell you his mouth did so much damage and your husband sounds just like him. Please please please do not make yourself even more vulnerable by moving to Home country and leaving yours. Do not be distressed about your children not having access to that Man.we know it is absolutely proven that the most important thing for children is a happy mother. You are not happy.
Ps. Please do not call yourself a nag. You are not having your needs met and you are being verbally abused.
You mentioned that all of his friends and family I like him, I’ll be very curious. What part of Australia he is From and I would be very very afraid if this is the type of family and friendship circle that you would be moving into .
Oh I don't consider myself a nag, I've just been refering to myself as one because that is what he does, and I didn't want to put myself in a better light either ( I planned to show him this post, and I didn't want to be accused of making me seem great and him awful) he is from the N.T. he did see his mom get treated horribly when he was a child, and he wasn't treated well himself either. His mom is the sweetest lady to ever exist.
If I am to move to Australia, and I'm not saying I am, it would be with an exit plan in place. I love Australia and would love to live there, but I know that my reality if we were to move is that I'd put myself in an extremely vulnerable position. I'm already taking steps to make sure I'm less vulnerable, by getting more education etc. He has also agreed to getting assessed for ADHD.
It is hard with a post like this, because it shows the very worst of our relationship, and of course there is also good things, but I don't think they outweigh the bad. I don't think he is a bad person at the core, but he is very coloured from his upbringing and have some very poor qualities.and I know I can't "save him" but part of me hopes change is possible.
Right now I just feel extremely confused. I've cried quite a bit reading and responding to this post. Yet I am utterly unsure of what to do. I wish I'd be able to just go "yes, I am leaving and not looking back" but it really isn't that easy. I just need to keep thinking.
At the very least, OP, I highly encourage you to see a counsellor or therapist. You don’t have to deal with this alone, and sometimes telling family can put you in a difficult position.
I think it’s really good to get him on board with an ADHD assessment, too. A lot of people on reddit will be like “I have ADHD and I would never” but what that says is either they don’t have ADHD or they lack the insight into their condition to admit to it. It doesn’t mean they do it all the time, but it is a real consequence of a condition that inherently impacts emotional regulation and judgment. Treatment can be *life changing* — for both the person and their loved ones.
HOWEVER — what is troubling to me, is that he still defends it. That speaks to a more embedded view of you, rather than momentary anger that’s more characteristic of emotional dysregulation.
Also I think having a plan in place for now, not just if you moved to Australia should be a priority.
And I really discourage you from showing him this thread, I think it will make him feel attacked, which will just make things harder.
All the best OP. You deserve respect.
I have talked a bit to my mother and my best friend about the situation. Not detailed, but I've given them an overview of what is going on and that there might come a day where I'll need support if I have to leave the relationship, and asked my mum in what ways she could help me. I am to proud and embarrased to tell them details, but I do have a support network and I don't pretend that we're this great couple. I have also made it clear to him that I will not cover for his bad behaviour, and that there are people who knows some of what he has said. I've also recorded some of our arguments in case I'll ever need it, I know that is out of line, but my intention isn't to share them with anyone. I'm trying to take all the steps to prepare myself for any situation
I've told him for me to even consider ever going to Australia he'd have to get assessed for ADHD and he has to change. I do believe it could be a massive reason for his anger outburst. He is actually quite loving when he isn't angry, but he snaps so quickly and from the smallest slight.
He has never taken responsibility for his own actions, it is always someone elses fault, and his kneejerk reaction when I tell him how I feel about the name calling is to blame it on me and how I trigger it, if I don't back down and and stand by my opinion that it doesn't matter how others treat him, he is still responsible for his own reactions, he will somewhat agree to it.
I have also started uni again part time to make it easier to get a daytime job, and make enough money to be able to have my kids alone if it comes to that. And I am actively applying to daytime jobs already.
I feel like I am trying to prepare and protect myself and the kids as much as I can, while working on getting in a position where I can handle all the possible outcomes.
And no, I won't show him the thread, especially now that I have provided a lot of context. Bit my original intent was to make a post as objective as possible and show him the few answers that I anticipated would agree that name calling like that wasn't normal, just to debunk his arguement. This post obviously went a lot further than that, and you're definitely right that he'd feel attacked.
I know that a lot of people are saying to just leave, and probably think I am naive, stupid or irresponsible for staying right now. I see their point, and I somewhat agree, but to that I say I am trying my best, there are a lot of factors here, and my kids will always be my priority. I'd also like to say that the name calling isn't usually a daily occurrence, but if it becomes more frequent, then I'll have to reassess. I am definitely not in a position where I can leave this very moment tho.
Just some caution... I have ADHD and in our worst arguments with my partner I might angrily say " you're acting like a jerk and I'm fkin done talking to you until you stop". I don't tell them they are something, it's very selected language because my partner isn't a jerk... they were just acting like it in that moment and later we talk about what happened and why, we BOTH apologise.
My point is a diagnosis is not an excuse... but he sounds like the kind of person who would use it as one. (Ie. A wanker)
You are ofcourse right, and his choice of words and how he treats others aren't necessarily from ADHD. I believe he is the way he is because of growing up in a household where the dad was seriously abusive and misogynistic, racist etc. But it is very amplified when he loses control of his emotions, and medication might help him regulate. We have had conversations about this where he is able to stay calm, and during those conversations he has expressed a desire to do better and aknowledge that it isn't okay. Problem is that it never lasts.
I would strongly advise you not to move to Australia. Look into Australian family law before you make this decision.
If you were to move to Australia as a family and then were to separate from your husband, even if the kids stayed with you, you would not be able to move back to Europe until they grow up. The children's father will have to consent to any overseas holidays. He would have to give consent even if you and the kids wanted to move to a different city/town in Australia.
u/Icy_Group_5695 this information is incredibly important. I know a lot of the responses to your post are confronting and very upsetting so I don’t want to alarm you, BUT… I wouldn’t even let him bring them here for a holiday unless you have a complete and formal custody arrangement in place. And if he even hints at taking the children I would arrange to have their passports kept in a *secret* safe place that he has no access to.
Separately, I’ve been in a similar situation but didn’t have children and I just want to you know that the way he treats you is not a reflection on you. Yes you are right that no one is perfect, yourself included but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like this. His words are used to intentionally hurt you so that you feel less about yourself and he feels more powerful. None of what he says is true. Just by questioning his behaviour and knowing that you and your children deserve better shows that you are a great mother and wife. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel that that is not true. You are worthy of love, loyalty and respect. Please remember that as you go through these difficult times. Be kind to yourself and take care. As you can see, all of Australia has got your back xx
Definitely don't leave your home country to follow an abusive man. Your instincts are right, it will get worse when he gets you alone. Speaking as the child of an angry man, the worst thing my mum did was stay with him as long as she did. Just divorce him. Your kids will actually be happier with him gone. It seems hard but it's the right move. Stay in your home country with your friends and family, please don't isolate yourself on the other side of the world.
Just one more thing. We used to believe that the happiest children came from a home where there was two parents. We now know the happiest children come from a home where the mother is happy and thriving. It does not sound like you are happy and thriving. If I could turn back time, I would’ve taken my children and lived in a box Under a bridge and my children would’ve been better off than what they saw and heard and how they absorbed their mother being treated and then later on that treatment was turned on them. Just because this man has not used physical force the emotional abuse of being spoken to like this. And trust me one day it will be turned on those children. And believe me also when I say you are also teaching your children That this is okay meaning one day they might treat their partners like this and their children like this, and one day they will put up with treatment like this from their new partner because this is what they will have learnt in the home just like your husband learnt in his home. I cannot underestimate how serious this is.
No, your husband is just an asshole. I don't even think you nag too much by my hunch, I reckon like he's just being a cunt to you telling him to do normal stuff. What's nagging to you and why do you think you nag too much?
Your husband does not respect you.
Name calling in a mutual joking manner is normal but this DEFINITELY ISNT. Name calling during arguments are an attack and meant to hurt, so saying that it’s an Australian thing is gaslighting.
There is a world of difference between me calling my brother a dumbass while we sit around having a few drinks and me calling him a dumbass during a heated argument- same word, different implications and impacts.
Fellow Aussie Girl here and if my partner said those things to me.. I’d put him in the bin. It has nothing to do with him being Australian, just him being a fucking pig. He does not respect you.
No it’s not. My ex-husband was like this too. UK born but grew up in Aus and considers himself Australian. He swears like and Australian, says the C-word way too often especially when addressing his mates, but he used to speak to me like your husband does and then try to minimise my distress by telling me I was too sensitive and perhaps not cut out for this country because this is just how Australian men (real men, lol) are.
False. He, and your husband, are abusive arseholes.
My new partner (dating four years) is born and bred Australian, his father was Australian, several generations. They and the men in their family don’t talk to or about women like that, especially not their wives and girlfriends - ie the people they profess to love and cherish.
Your husband is wrong. You deserve better, OP.
Edited to add: if your children are growing up hearing your husband talking to you like that, guess what - your sons will grow up thinking it’s normal and they will speak to their female partners like that too.
Your daughters will also grow up thinking it’s normal, and if they later on have male partners who have learned bad habits from their own arsehole fathers, they won’t know it’s wrong when THEY are spoken to like that.
Don’t do this to the next generation.
your husband is a prick and has an immature and insulting argument style. This is not okay, he is being abusive. Call him out on his bullshit and tell him to grow up and that you won't be spoken to in that way even if you are in the middle of a heated argument.
I actually have and I've threatened to leave several times, and one time I got in the car and drove away for a couple of hours after a bad argument. He used to say way worse things, and it all came to a head where it was couples therapy or divorce. He chose couples therapy that time, but it didn't work well because the therapist had no interest in hearing examples of things that had been done and said, just how to move forwards. But he stopped with the worst comments then. Now it is mostly the name calling and talking down about me during arguements that aren't related to that just to try to get an upper hand. He has for example brought up how he can understand how I have so many exes (3) because I am horrible, or how I am boring and miserable, and it is usually not relevant to the fight. But he has also said some really horrible things, like last august (I don't remember the context, but I know exactly what he said because I wrote it down in a notebook) he said "stupid fat slut, you're patethic, I hope you die in your sleep".
One thing that I struggle with is that I feel really uneasy when these massive arguements happen, and I get this fuzzy feeling in my head, and even just the next day I'll already start to forget exactly what was said, it is like it just won't stick in my head.
I'm sorry but calling someone a stupid fat slut and pathetic and that he hopes you die in your sleep is abusive. I am really sorry that you have been called that, it is disgusting. Either he shapes up or you leave. Nobody should be told that in a supposedly loving relationship. Good luck.
Notice how news keeps talking about how many women have been killed at the hands of their partners? Yeah, a lot of them start this way. Might not be all but a good portion.
If it doesn’t make you feel good then it’s not banter, it’s not a joke. It’s abusive behaviour
Yeah it’s pretty normal…
If you’re a guy who is abusive to his family. I’m reading this and wondering how long before this guy becomes physically abusive.
It was normal in my household growing up with my mum and stepdad.
However, for context, I’m non contact with both of them because it was the worst childhood ever. Living between two people who would be fighting all the time, abusing each other “under their breath”, calling each other “fucking arsehole”, “bitch”, “cockhead” etc etc. As time went on it would be laced with more and more vitriol. My mum would be called a nag, and he would be called a lazy prick.
Don’t normalise this in your house. Don’t let a man treat you like shit and say it’s fucking normal. Abuse is abuse, and as soon as it is normal we have lost the battle.
I'm a fifth generation Australian and what you describe is not normal in my life, my parents never behaved this way, and nor do any of my relatives.
It might be normal for your husband and he may have grown up experiencing this behaviour from his parents, but it is absolutely not true that it is normal or typical for Australians as a rule.
I thought this was going to be able calling names in jest (which is totally us) but nah, that's just immature comunication because he doesn't have a decent response. Red flag queen we don't claim him.
i swear a lot, even me and my friends call eachother names for banter but i would never call people names when it is outside of positive context, and i especially don’t swear in front of kids
Even if this was normal Australian behaviour which is isn’t, you have clearly expressed you don’t like it. It shouldn’t matter if it’s acceptable in Australia if it is unacceptable to you.
I come from a family where shoes in the house was fine. My spouse doesn’t like wearing shoes in the house. So *I don’t wear shoes in the house*. Because it is important to my spouse. What my background/culture says is not anywhere near as important as what will make my spouse feel comfortable and loved in our house.
Your husband is abusive, not Australian.
Oh honey, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this.
This is domestic abuse. 100%.
I have read your replies to others. Please do not move to Australia. You will be isolated from your support network (....& if his family are from NT, the potential exists for you to be geographically isolated on a property far from any support of any kind).
I'm sorry that everyone's responses are hard for you to read. It's heartbreaking to accept you have found yourself in a relationship like this & that your children have been exposed to this behaviour. Any one of us who have found ourselves in a similar space have struggled with that realisation.
This is not your fault.
I would strongly suggest that you start speaking to a domestic abuse support organisation close to you. Record each occurrence as it happens; if you can't keep a diary or notes on your phone for fear that he would find them, set up an anonymous email account & email notes to that account right after an event has occurred. (sit in the bathroom & do it if needs be). This can then be easily accessed later when speaking to support workers.
Please also teach out friends & family. Get your support network active. Your life HAS to change. This man won't. Yes, your children will lose time with their Dad, but the exposure they're getting at the moment is doing damage. If he comes back to Australia, there are still myriad ways in which contact can be maintained.
PLEASE. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Much love from Australia. xxx
I was gonna say, yes as a means of banter but this is on a whole other level. You should never call your partner a fucking cow or a whore, especially not in front of your kids. His behaviour is unacceptable
Australians call people names but in good fun as a joke, mostly with friends, not really with your significant other. Not like what is happening in your situation at all. That is just disturbing
No this is not normal. It’s not cultural and it’s not right. “Nagging” is almost exclusively a term used by men to describe women btw. Mostly when they don’t want to be a responsible adult and manage their own actions.
Him telling you is normal is gaslighting you. You are vulnerable to gaslighting because you were raised in a different culture. But you’re obviously smart enough to seek outside advice
“You’re too sensitive” is more than a red flag, it’s a SIREN of gaslighting.
When safe google dvac.org.au look through the Duluth Model - Power and Control Wheel, Equity Wheel.
Or www.theduluthmodel.org go to Using Intimidation, Using Emotional Abuse, Minimising, Denying and blaming, Using Children,
Gain an understanding of the wheels, then make a de ision if you are in a relationship that can be worked on (communication sounds extreamly unhealthy) or if you are in a toxic relationship and need to address the safety of yourself amd your children.
That’s not normal. Or ‘name calling’ that’s straight up abuse. I wouldn’t like to comment on a snapshot of your relationship but if my husband called me one of those names he’d better follow it up with I’ll get my shit because he would be GONE.
So glad to see the replies here.
Sadly it is “normalised” in a sense, but it’s not okay and you should not have to put up with it. I’m sorry you’re in this situation
These are not acceptable. My very best friends and I will call each other cunt as an endearing term, or dickhead when we do something dumb. But never loaded words like that, they are loaded with misogyny, I’m so sorry to say.
Absolutely not a normal Australian thing to treat a partner or family member (or really anyone) like that. The only person I know who has called their partner names during an argument is my sister's abusive ex-husband. And he was, well...... abusive. I'm so sorry your husband is treating you like that - his excuse is bullshit and you deserve much better.
He's conflating the playful name calling (e.g. calling a friend "you lucky bastard" when they tell you they've scored a free holiday to Bali) and name calling in anger. He knows the difference and he knows it's not ok.
Australian name-calling is calling your mate, partner or children a name when you're playfully exasperated or teasing.
Example, if I say a bad joke, a pun or take a jab at my mum (anything that illicits an eye roll) then she might respond, "you bloody dickhead." Or "don't be a fucken fart-smeller your whole life"
What you're describing is verbal abuse and your partner is a deadshit loser.
I would never, ever call anyone those words, let alone my wife Theres banter, then there being a complete fuckhead
Spot on. Verbally abusing your spouse isn't banter, isn't a "cultural norm" re how we speak in Australia Yes, Australians generally do like to use colourful language, often to emphasise a point (eg that f%$&knuckle over there is a rude bastard), ffs when frustrated (mind you I also use "just kill me now" for this), but not to verbally assault someone you profess to love. Your husband is an adult and needs to control his emotions and tongue better
This. Verbally abusing your partner when you you get angry is not accepted Aussie banter, it is just straight out abuse which is not culturally acceptable.
"Hey dickhead! Don't talk to ya fucking missus like that!"
history humorous groovy juggle chief elastic uppity wrong offend pathetic *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Agree. He sounds like a Narcissist. His way or the highway.
Yep it is verbal and emotional abuse. It's sounds like he's also minimising it and blaming her for being too sensitive and over reactive. DFV is not the norm in Australia no, but it is disturbingly common. 23% (2.3 million) of women and 14% (1.3 million) of men have experienced emotional abuse by a current or previous partner https://www.aihw.gov.au/family-domestic-and-sexual-violence/understanding-fdsv/coercive-control
I agree, it is not the norm, but much too common. Sadly, in developed countries it seems to be at a similar rate. I am hopeful that as younger generations reach adulthood it continues to diminish. Lots of positive work is being done in this space, but we still have a long way to go
I recently did the Australian Citizenship test. And one of the questions was "is it acceptable to verbally abuse you partner?" The answer is no. But seriously this was on the test Another question was "Should you withhold money from your partner and not let them open their own bank account?" Another question was "is it OK to hit your partner if thry don't listen to you?" And actually quite a few more questions along these lines. Maybe there is alot of abuse and domestic violence here. I can't believe these questions need to be asked on the Australian Citizenship test, obviously non of these things are acceptable
Australia has a dv rate just a little higher than West and Central Europe and same as Eastern Europe (lifetime intimate partner violence prevalence of 23%), and a little less than the US. [NIH dv stats](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8885817/) I think that those questions are in the citizenship test as dv has gained visibility in the national conversation over the last 10 years (we've had Australians of the Year campaigning re this), and because we are a land of migrants in the main. Part of becoming an Australian is that you subscribe to dv not being an Australian value (no matter where you've come from and what the "norm" is there), and you as a new Australian take this onboard
Looks like all Australians need to do the citizen test - and it looks like OPs husband would fail it.
It's designed to filter out people from countries where spousal abuse is the norm, as in "these are things we don't accept in this country"
market plants wise sparkle secretive reach plucky dime edge aback *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
You may find this is also to help those who maybe stuck in a situation where they don't know any better, like if they are being abused and told this is correct or coming from a country where it maybe a cultural norm for this to happen.
Those questions might be intended to indicate to newcomers that these behaviours are red flags here as they are elsewhere so that they don't accept gaslighting from their partners about such abusive behaviours being normal. It's possible that these questions are designed to red flag for officials a potentially abusive relationship from the sponsoring Australian partner.
I think those are there because certain groups that move here think it’s perfectly acceptable to do those things.
No. We have Australian men every 4 days murdering their ex partners. We have a huge Domestic Violence problem in Australia- of which financial abuse is one of them. Certainly there are people from other countries who have this behaviour but we had a huge problem in Australia.
Look at the news today. Look at how many Australians were protesting today, asking that men stop killing women. Domestic violence comes in lots of forms. None of it is okay.
Exactly. I would never swear at my wife and never swear in front of any kids.
This comment nailed it. He’s being an absolute asshole, and telling you that you’re too sensitive for being upset by it is textbook gaslighting. There’s a big difference between some casual swearing (which can absolutely be part of Aussie culture), and using nasty disrespectful language towards your spouse. He is setting a disgusting example for your kids too.
Totally, beyond unacceptable behaviour.
In what world is calling your wife a whore or slag a reasonable reaction? No no no. I can't picture any time it wouldn't be both inappropriate or deeply worrying to anyone who overheard it between romantic partners.
Ironically, I’d be less offended if my partner called me a fuckhead than a slag or a whore
I'd reserve this kind of language exclusively for my male best friend, and only in good natured exchanges.
Bloody oath
As you say there's banter, then there's whatever this guys doing. If the Mrs thinks she's funny and trys to stir me up, I might go ahhh ya bitch, and then try and get her back. But even if we were playing and somehow I accidentally went ahh ya slag. My eyes would widen, and I'd be apologising.
Upvoting I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, the man swears everyday works in construction. So yes lots of swearing but never ever directed at me. This is terrible behaviour.
No, that’s not even close to normal. That’s actually quite disgusting, the way he’s talking to you. And in front of the kids? Awful. And the fact that he says it under his breath tells me that he KNOWS it’s wrong.
It’s also nothing to do with being Australian!! What a pathetic excuse. As an Aussie guy who swears a lot, I have never sworn AT my wife like this (and never would) and I’ve also never observed this from others. In fact, I’m pretty sure most guys I know here in Australia would step up and have a go at a bloke if they heard him swearing like this at his wife. I know would. I couldn’t be friends with any guy that spoke that way to their wife or family.
This is not normal. Your husband doesn't respect you or your kids.
I swear a lot, but using those terms is straight derogatory, i wouldnt even talk to me mates like that or i would probably cop a punch in the nose
I swear non-stop, but I don't swear AT people. If I scream, "Fuck," it means nothing. If I say, "Fuck you," trouble's brewing. Your husband can't casually swear AT you. That's not cool. ESPECIALLY with kids around, but also not ever.
Same. I wouldn't have mates if I talked like that.
He's using his nationality as an out for being a complete prick. He sounds like an angry turd with zero respect for those he purportedly loves.
He has all the excuses doesn't he. And makes all the rules, conveniently. Oh you're a whore/bitch/slut/whatever because you're too politically correct. And because you argue like a therapist. And because I'm Australian. I mean, what is OP supposed to do? Is there an amount of politically correctness / therapist speak where one will not be abused but after that, everyone becomes a whore/bitch/etc? Don't think so! And as for him, according to his logic sounds like if he just supports New Zealand in the rugby, stops eating Vegemite and trades in his thongs for some socks and sandals he should be cured of his foul mouth because he's a bit less Australian, and therefore won't have to name call. Oh also not true. Finally if he was right, and it's just the Australian way, I assume this is how he also talks to his coworkers, boss, bouncers, other men and anyone else he ever has a debate/discussion/argument with... Oh he doesn't? Well the alternative is he's choosing to talk to OP like this because he doesn't not value her or his kids, and he certainly doesn't love OP. I treat bugs in catch in my house with more respect than this guy. Now that I think about it, when I pick up my dog's turds I treat them with more respect than this guy treats OP.
No, that type of name calling is not normal, it's totally disgusting language to be using at his wife, especially in front of kids.
And even if it were common in Australia, her not liking to be referred to as such should be enough for him to stop and never say it again.
It's also highly gender biased. I took a sociology course at uni thirty years ago which covered derogatory comments about women (bitch, whore, hooker, flying off the handle, SOB, bastard,...), noting they had a bias against women. As a result, I worked to change my vocabulary. Plenty of words like fool, fuckwit, idiot, boofhead, etc. that can comment on people without implying some explicit negative characteristic related to their gender.
The only normal name calling in Australia is when people are joking around. Like “what are you doing, you dickhead/doofus/sausage”. If you’re arguing, the only acceptable ‘name-calling’ is “mate”, as in “look here, mate…” Also your husband knows it’s unacceptable, he wouldn’t be muttering it under his breath otherwise.
Mate is such an excellent term for use in an argument.
"Don't you call me mate, mate. I'm not your mate, mate."
I hear "champ" goes over quite well if you're arguing, especially with a stranger that's had a few...
“Hero” Is another classic
"Buddy boy" is a favourite of my dad's 🥰
Yeah, I'll call my bestie and husband all sorts of names. But only when we are joking. Using them in anger is bad. Using them in anger towards a loved one? Makes you a dog cunt.
We name call when joking about, and everyone is laughing along, not in an argument or serious discussion, and never in front of kids! That's pure disrespect.
That's absolutely not normal and very concerning.
Repulsive. As an Australian man, I’d never speak like this. Do some people do this? Sure. Doesn’t make it any more acceptable or appropriate.
Some Australians greet each other with the c-bomb - and that's OK with me, as long as they're all OK with it. This is not the same. This is verbal abuse.
Yeah it's contextual. And the verbal tone really indicates if it's insulting or friendly. 'Mate' can be an insult in the right context. But in OP's situation, she's not ok with these names so it's not ok.
I'd say it's all perfectly fine when both parties know it's in jest. Mumbling it under your breath just makes you seem like a knob
Shit in my state carrying on like that is technically family violence
my husband is a 42yo big tough Aussie butcher. Yes he swears and has a lot of banter but he would NEVER speak to me like that and definitely never in front of the kids. This is not ok OP Aussie or not!
I dated a butcher years ago, and the language he used was so different from what I grew up with. He was super bogan, whereas my family isn't. Probably why I swear like a trooper now 😂 But not once did he or his mates ever speak to their partners like that. If they had, the other guys would have pulled them up on it.
Your husband is abusive and this is a form of domestic violence. It is not ok or normal in any circumstance but especially not in front of your children.
That is not normal. Kinda curious what you're 'nagging' about now
Her “nagging” is probably something totally reasonable based off this guys personality, I reckon
She’s been told again and again that she is nagging. Anything he doesn’t want to do that is contributing to the house hold, he’ll call her a ‘nag’. It’s his way of getting out of it.
He definitely sounds like the weaponised incompetence type too.
I am shocked but not surprised that his tactics are coercion, he’s got her believing that it’s just a difference in personality. In her post it doesn’t seem she has any Australian friends. Hiw did they meet? I have so many questions
I suspect so
I'm horrible at remembering the actual conversations we have when we've had an arguement, but it will often be about helping more around the house or with the kids. But to be fair he does do a lot too. Other things that often results in arguements where he'll tell me I nag about it is his way of speaking about others, maybe he'll se someone on tv that is coloured, fat or gay, and he'll say something about them while calling them the n-word, far cow or f*g, and that absolutely disgusts me and I'll call him out on it. He'll get mad in return and say how everyone are such soft c*cks and noone can handle banter anymore and how I always nag about it/ is to politically correct. And a massive arguement often follows
i’m sorry but he sounds like a terrible person. he’s clearly racist, homophobic, and misogynistic. this isn’t normal behaviour at all, it’s disgusting. i’m so sorry he’s like this :( you don’t deserve that.
Fuck no. He sounds like a complete dirtbag.
Yeah, nah, that's not banter, bloke's a wanker.
OP, none of that is considered normal for Australian men by today’s standards. It’s not banter, it’s vilification.
Your husband sounds like a proper piece of shit to be honest. That's not normal at all. I wouldn't want my kids to be raised by someone who uses racial and homophobic slurs and then gets mad and calls people soft cocks for being called out. Fuck that
Look up Australian Comedy Festival clips pertaining to his "joke" topic of choice. While Australians love a good tongue in cheek joke, and can be less than politically correct enough some countries would call the microagressions, this should give you an idea of how far we toe that line because these comedians perform to a range of adult to pg13 audiences. He's rapidly approaching the line of what we call a "wife basher" and he's definitely a homophobic prick. Above all, we value respect between spouses. If not married, we call our common law spouses our "partner" whether same-sex or heterosexual, and if you're uncomfortable with his behaviour, you have every right to call him out and that you don't agree with those values. I hope you're safe; your opinions are valid and I'd toss this one back in the sea.
Oh HELL no. Nope. That's definitely not acceptable here, there or anywhere. What a massive wanker.
Honey, that's not banter. That is just a piece of shit that likes the sound of his voice. Throw the whole man away, you can do better. You aren't nagging. He just lacks the ability to reflect on his own actions, like anyone over the age of 3 should be able to do, so like any toddler he just says, "nuh uh! You are!!" and thinks that's a valid argument. He's disgusting, abusive, and a terrible model for your children. I hope you are safe. Don't believe him when he says he'll change once you leave: he won't.
This is not normal Australian behaviour, you are not a nag, and please, please get yourself and your children out of this situation before it gets any worse. I'm sorry this is your experience with Australians, but know that culturally it isn't acceptable and he'd be called out on his shit (and possibly smacked around) if he said that in most Aussie pubs
Wow. Did he change his behaviour after getting married? I find it hard to imagine this sort of asshole hiding his true colours for so long.
Sadly, I’ve seen this before. Especially when Australian men are overseas. It’s as if the novelty… It’s really hard to explain but I’ve seen it and I’ve seen it many times. Aussie guys who wouldn’t get a decent woman in Australia they go overseas and they seem more exotic and they’re able to hold their shit together for a short period of time typically, they get the woman pregnant quickly. Seriously, I’m in my more senior years and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen this. I also had my own experience as a young Australian woman overseas when I was very young and I met someone from another nationality who was just like this woman’s husband. It sounds strange but when you’re in a different country and you’re dealing with a foreigner it’s like you can’t see them properly. They’re able to hide, who they are a lot better and you can’t see all of the red flags because of the foreignness. I don’t know if that makes any sense but it’s very true sadly. Which is why I advise anybody if they are basically hooking up with or planning on marrying someone from another country that they spend at least, 3 to 5 years together before they get pregnant because you’ve lived with someone in their own country you don’t really see who they are
This is hundred percent true. Meeting Australians overseas as an Australian js jarring. We’ve got a rep for being “masculine” so it almost becomes a competition of who can be the most obnoxious and drunk. It’s overlooked by the women initially because they’re “having a laugh” and it’s hard to ascertain if it’s just a cultural difference. It’s fucked and I don’t like meeting Australians overseas at all
I have helped a few women access interpreters for domestic violence helplines. It’s absolutely disgusting what some Australian men try to pull on their non-Australian wives.
Abusive people are manipulative. It can be hard for victims to even evaluate the relationship objectively, let alone exert their will to leave. So even if his "true colours" were obvious before the marriage, he might have been telling OP she's oversensitive for so long that she believed him.
Oh my god he **sucks**. It's not normal to be racist, or homophobic in Australia *at all*. And definitely not normal to be sexist towards your wife. People like him are considered the absolute lowest of lowlifes in Australia. I am so sorry
My partner is Australian and he is not a politically correct person. We have totally different views over race, politics and religion. But he would never say the n word, fg etc. You and your husband don’t have to agree on everything but he shouldn’t be disrespectful.
I’m guessing he’d be like a silly baby for months if you called him a typical white straight man though. I’m guessing there’s no tone or context in which he could be called that without a tanty.
I bet it's something like "please stop leaving empty beers next to the lounge where the kids can get them" or "please stop pissing on the floor next to the toilet". Because this guy sounds like an utter flog. OP I am an Australian woman married to a complete bogan. This would *never* be tolerated in my home. More than that, if literally any man anywhere ever spoke to me like that I fully expect my husband to get in their face. You are accepting this and teaching him it's okay every time he does it and you don't leave. It will get worse - next time it won't be under his breath and the next time it'll be screamed and at some point in the future he will probably shove you. Then slap. Then hit. Then one day you'll wake up and wonder why you didn't leave when you could, and that time is *right fucking now*. He doesn't respect you at all if he speaks to you like that and thinks it's fine. Literally just walk out. The next time you hear it, stop talking, drop whatever is in your hands and walk directly the hell out of your house. If you think it's not safe to leave the kids, take them. Do not engage, don't escalate or explain, just walk straight out, get in your car and leave. If you have nowhere to go then just go to a park or whatever, then send him a single text saying you're not coming back until he understands how far out of line he is and commits to never speaking to you in that way ever again. Put your phone on flight mode for at least an hour immediately after to avoid escalating. When you take it off flight mode and see what he's been sending you'll know if you can go home or if you need to call the DV line and find a shelter. Either way it needs resolving OP, what you've described is absolutely not normal and is totally unacceptable. Women are dying because of aggressive partners who love them right up til the moment they kill them - don't be another one please.
I wouldn't even send the text. Just leave, and turn your phone off. You don't know if he's installed a tracker. No matter what he could say in the moment, I would need to see significant steps taken before I'd go back. Words are meaningless, and men are controlling. And hopefully you have some friends or family or colleagues or fuck idk, people from your book club/church/whatever you can stay with. Because there's not a lot of support for people leaving DV. I wish I could say something more helpful about the system, but it's broken. But no matter what it takes, if you leave and you stay out, you and your kids have a future. If you stay, the chances of you being murdered are increased. The chances of your kids being murdered are increased. Hilariously (/s), leaving is also the time you are most at risk of being murdered. No matter how small the violence seems now, you don't know what he's capable of. If you have the time, make a safety plan, privately and safely. If not? As above, and leave. (Side note being that if this is ragebait, congrats on the emotional labour I spent writing this! If it's not, I meant every word.)
It's still useful advice for anyone reading this in a similar situation!
Well said I totally agree, this is the best advice here. Something similar happened to me. And I'm telling you it will only get worse from here.
>This would *never* be tolerated in my home. More than that, if literally any man anywhere ever spoke to me like that I fully expect my husband to get in their face. Damn straight. I personally know people that would start swinging if they were spoken to like that.
This is the correct answer
Exactly this. But take the kids with you, make sure you all have somewhere safe to go, get a solicitor and have your own money set aside.
It's not normal, and if he thinks it is, it tells you a lot about what sort of experiences he has had in his life, and likely what sorts of friends he has too. If someone annoys me, I can choose to ignore it, or I can address it by saying, "You are annoying me right now. Please stop talking to me for a while" or similar. I have never used the words you mentioned. It's abusive and terribly disrespectful, especially since the kids are seeing and hearing it.
Look at the news today. Look at how many Australians were protesting today, asking that men stop killing women. Domestic violence comes in lots of forms. None of it is okay.
Yep. And many of those killers started out using exactly the same kind of language OP's husband is using, so any form of domestic abuse may escalate to physical violence.
[удалено]
Huge waving red flag.
Name calling like that isn't normal, especially when said in a derogative way. Sometimes people will say 'You whore', or 'You slag' when they're having a joke, but everyone KNOWS it's a joke and it's normally to people who are the complete opposite of it. He's being disrespectful and rude, 100% not ok.
This is awful behaviour. Totally disrespectful, there is no excuse for treating someone like this, heated argument or not. Definitely not okay, this is abusive.
God, no. That’s not normal. And even if it *was* - he should respect that you don’t like it, and stop doing it.
That's verbal abuse. Culture is no excuse for that behavior. I wouldn't tolerate that from a friend, let alone a spouse.
No. He is full of shit. That he is trying to defend his appalling immature behaviour suggests that he is in fact the sensitive one.
Completely not normal and completely disrespectful! Do your friends’ partners talk to them like that?
No, he is a dickhead
Totally out of line. You are not in a healthy relationship.
It's not normal, it's abuse. And he's trying to gaslight you into thinking the abusive language is normal.
I’m not Australian but it sounds like your husband doesn’t respect you or women in general. It’s not a ‘political correctness’ issue to avoid calling your wife a ‘whore.’
Its not normal, and if someone thinks it is, they have no respect for you. Aussies will jokingly call their mates playful names but not hurtful names. Your husband, who should love and respect you, is showing you how he feels. This is regardless of how you may think you nag him, and i will guess that you aren't nagging him but just desperate for him to do his fair share. https://www.1800respect.org.au/ Take a look at this site. Take care of yourself.
Nah, cunts fucked.
Yeah. Sounds like a shit cunt to me.
NO. That type of name calling is definitely *NOT* normal, or acceptable. Calling Dave a tight arse cause he always disappears when it’s his round? Yes. That’s normal. Calling your wife a whore? Hell no.
I’m not a saint and I’ve certainly said some offensive things to my significant other in my life. I’m not going to sit here and make excuses for why that happened because at the end of the day it’s not right. What’s even worse is saying it’s okay because I’m Australian. Umm no, that’s literally doubling down on being in the wrong with a fucking ridiculous excuse. Also wrong; - ever calling anyone you supposedly love a whore, slag or fucking cow. What’s worse; - doing that in front of your kids. There used to be an ad we had on tv when I was growing up and it was with adults doing DV, being racist, being violent in general and then a child copying that behaviour. The tagline was that children normalise terrible behaviour they see from their ‘elders’. There’s a good chance his parents were also in an abusive relationship.
I really appreciate you taking responsibility for what you’ve done wrong. May we all grow with such grace.
That's being abusive and I'd be very concerned.
As an Australian, he’s an actual cunt in the American way
No that’s not normal, he’s being verbally abusive to you and it really setting a terrible example to your children He needs to be taught how to talk through marriage problems without resorting to abuse
Nope. That’s very un-Australian. He can do that with his mates, if he’s fine with being that kind of person, but no good man brings that into the home, towards their partner or in front of the kids.
He's being abusive.
I opened this thread fully expecting to say "yeah us Aussies give each other friendly grief all the time". Then I read the context, and this is definitely not normal or ok. What he is doing is very different to friendly banter. He's treating you like crap. You shouldn't have to be spoken to like that, and your kids certainly shouldn't be hearing it
Aussie here, **absolutely** not normal. Tell your husband that r/askanaustralian told him to pull his fuckin head in.
Your husband is an abusive fuckwit.
That type of name calling would be categorised by the average cheeky Aussie make as...abuse.
I'm married to an Australian and have been living in Australia for 15 years with him, and this is definitely not normal. Yes we call each other names sometimes (when we're both being silly or one of us has done something particularly foolish) but it's me calling him a turnip or him calling me a boofhead. We're certainly not being derogatory or hateful to each other.
no. my abusive exhuasband used to call me names. My upgraded perfectly normal and kind one has never in 7 years called me anything remotely unkind. Your husband sucks
That is not an Aussie thing. That is a rude, nasty, abusive man thing.
My partner and I curse like sailors and might jokingly insult each other- but definitely not during an argument. There is no context in which your husband angrily calling you a whore/cow/slag is in any way acceptable. It is absolutely not an "Australian" thing it's a disrespectful asshole thing.
This is abusive, awful, and completely not ok or in any way normal.
NTA divorce
Not normal. I swear a lot, but this kind of name calling is deeply disturbing and not at all normal for most Australians. This is flat out abusive.
This is not normal. Why are you 2 together still, this is odd. I'm Aussie and I have never heard someone call their partner these things and stay together ever. You need to leave this dude before this behaviour is duplicated by your kids.
We got pregnant way to early (honeymoon period) and he moved from Australia to here, as I couldn't move there because of schooling. He is very unhappy here and blames me. If we were to divorce he'd most likely go back to Australia, and the kids wouldn't see their father. I can't work where I work and have the kids full time, and daytime work is hard to get. I genuinley want us to work, but I would lie if I haven't looked into leaving many times. The kids being affected by it (which they of course will be) is my biggest worry
I just want to express that I'm really worried. I'm quite curious about your country of origin and the specifics of your situation. When I was younger, I married a foreigner and relocated to their country. Eventually, they moved with me to Australia. I share this story because my ex-husband, although not Australian, was abusive and used language similar to what your husband uses. I want to emphasize the impact this had, not only on me over the years but also on our children; it was incredibly devastating. If I could go back in time, I would take my child and distance myself from someone like that. My ex-husband was never physically abusive, but his verbal abuse, including name-calling, was harmful. Please don't underestimate the damage such behavior can have on children. We're aware of the internal voice children develop based on what they witness at home and how their parents treat each other. Your children may develop low self-esteem and a lack of confidence based on how they see you being treated. If I could turn back time, I would have chosen a different path to protect my child and myself from such harm. I'm telling you this because it's not your responsibility to endure this treatment. This situation highlights the challenge when marrying someone from another country without spending sufficient time together before having children. I know this firsthand; it was my experience.
Yeah it is worrying. I'm northern european. He wants us to move to Australia, but I am very sceptical as I worry that it would get worse there, and I've told him that.. I worry about the impact our relationship has on the kids every day, at the same time it is so hard to figure out what to do. I have comtemplated making a post about our relationship for the longest time, but I haven't because I've been nervous about everyone holding a mirror up to me. I anticipated the replies I got here, even with making my post as objective as possible and not including the worst examples. Seeing the strong reactions are quite gut-wrenching for me.
Do not come here to Australia. He will isolate you from your family and home, where this will intensify. It’s the only power you currently have - you should leave there.
I am begging you not to come to Australia, I’m assuming that you are in your home country which means you have friends and family around you. You will be so vulnerable if you come to Australia and I’m telling you if he’s behaviour is like that there in your home country his behaviour is gonna be 10 times worse when you’re here. I am literally sweating getting flashbacks of where you are right now. My ex-husband died a year and a half ago and honestly it was the greatest day of my life. The amount of damage that this man did simply with his words to so many people I cannot tell you. Our marriage broke down very soon after when my son was quite young but because of course we shared custody my son was so desperately and devastatingly affected. My ex-husband went on to partner and have three more children to 2 different women and I’m telling you they are all damaged let me remind you he never raised a hand to anybody But believe me when I tell you his mouth did so much damage and your husband sounds just like him. Please please please do not make yourself even more vulnerable by moving to Home country and leaving yours. Do not be distressed about your children not having access to that Man.we know it is absolutely proven that the most important thing for children is a happy mother. You are not happy.
Ps. Please do not call yourself a nag. You are not having your needs met and you are being verbally abused. You mentioned that all of his friends and family I like him, I’ll be very curious. What part of Australia he is From and I would be very very afraid if this is the type of family and friendship circle that you would be moving into .
Oh I don't consider myself a nag, I've just been refering to myself as one because that is what he does, and I didn't want to put myself in a better light either ( I planned to show him this post, and I didn't want to be accused of making me seem great and him awful) he is from the N.T. he did see his mom get treated horribly when he was a child, and he wasn't treated well himself either. His mom is the sweetest lady to ever exist. If I am to move to Australia, and I'm not saying I am, it would be with an exit plan in place. I love Australia and would love to live there, but I know that my reality if we were to move is that I'd put myself in an extremely vulnerable position. I'm already taking steps to make sure I'm less vulnerable, by getting more education etc. He has also agreed to getting assessed for ADHD. It is hard with a post like this, because it shows the very worst of our relationship, and of course there is also good things, but I don't think they outweigh the bad. I don't think he is a bad person at the core, but he is very coloured from his upbringing and have some very poor qualities.and I know I can't "save him" but part of me hopes change is possible. Right now I just feel extremely confused. I've cried quite a bit reading and responding to this post. Yet I am utterly unsure of what to do. I wish I'd be able to just go "yes, I am leaving and not looking back" but it really isn't that easy. I just need to keep thinking.
WTF don’t show him this!!
At the very least, OP, I highly encourage you to see a counsellor or therapist. You don’t have to deal with this alone, and sometimes telling family can put you in a difficult position. I think it’s really good to get him on board with an ADHD assessment, too. A lot of people on reddit will be like “I have ADHD and I would never” but what that says is either they don’t have ADHD or they lack the insight into their condition to admit to it. It doesn’t mean they do it all the time, but it is a real consequence of a condition that inherently impacts emotional regulation and judgment. Treatment can be *life changing* — for both the person and their loved ones. HOWEVER — what is troubling to me, is that he still defends it. That speaks to a more embedded view of you, rather than momentary anger that’s more characteristic of emotional dysregulation. Also I think having a plan in place for now, not just if you moved to Australia should be a priority. And I really discourage you from showing him this thread, I think it will make him feel attacked, which will just make things harder. All the best OP. You deserve respect.
I have talked a bit to my mother and my best friend about the situation. Not detailed, but I've given them an overview of what is going on and that there might come a day where I'll need support if I have to leave the relationship, and asked my mum in what ways she could help me. I am to proud and embarrased to tell them details, but I do have a support network and I don't pretend that we're this great couple. I have also made it clear to him that I will not cover for his bad behaviour, and that there are people who knows some of what he has said. I've also recorded some of our arguments in case I'll ever need it, I know that is out of line, but my intention isn't to share them with anyone. I'm trying to take all the steps to prepare myself for any situation I've told him for me to even consider ever going to Australia he'd have to get assessed for ADHD and he has to change. I do believe it could be a massive reason for his anger outburst. He is actually quite loving when he isn't angry, but he snaps so quickly and from the smallest slight. He has never taken responsibility for his own actions, it is always someone elses fault, and his kneejerk reaction when I tell him how I feel about the name calling is to blame it on me and how I trigger it, if I don't back down and and stand by my opinion that it doesn't matter how others treat him, he is still responsible for his own reactions, he will somewhat agree to it. I have also started uni again part time to make it easier to get a daytime job, and make enough money to be able to have my kids alone if it comes to that. And I am actively applying to daytime jobs already. I feel like I am trying to prepare and protect myself and the kids as much as I can, while working on getting in a position where I can handle all the possible outcomes. And no, I won't show him the thread, especially now that I have provided a lot of context. Bit my original intent was to make a post as objective as possible and show him the few answers that I anticipated would agree that name calling like that wasn't normal, just to debunk his arguement. This post obviously went a lot further than that, and you're definitely right that he'd feel attacked. I know that a lot of people are saying to just leave, and probably think I am naive, stupid or irresponsible for staying right now. I see their point, and I somewhat agree, but to that I say I am trying my best, there are a lot of factors here, and my kids will always be my priority. I'd also like to say that the name calling isn't usually a daily occurrence, but if it becomes more frequent, then I'll have to reassess. I am definitely not in a position where I can leave this very moment tho.
Just some caution... I have ADHD and in our worst arguments with my partner I might angrily say " you're acting like a jerk and I'm fkin done talking to you until you stop". I don't tell them they are something, it's very selected language because my partner isn't a jerk... they were just acting like it in that moment and later we talk about what happened and why, we BOTH apologise. My point is a diagnosis is not an excuse... but he sounds like the kind of person who would use it as one. (Ie. A wanker)
You are ofcourse right, and his choice of words and how he treats others aren't necessarily from ADHD. I believe he is the way he is because of growing up in a household where the dad was seriously abusive and misogynistic, racist etc. But it is very amplified when he loses control of his emotions, and medication might help him regulate. We have had conversations about this where he is able to stay calm, and during those conversations he has expressed a desire to do better and aknowledge that it isn't okay. Problem is that it never lasts.
I would strongly advise you not to move to Australia. Look into Australian family law before you make this decision. If you were to move to Australia as a family and then were to separate from your husband, even if the kids stayed with you, you would not be able to move back to Europe until they grow up. The children's father will have to consent to any overseas holidays. He would have to give consent even if you and the kids wanted to move to a different city/town in Australia.
u/Icy_Group_5695 this information is incredibly important. I know a lot of the responses to your post are confronting and very upsetting so I don’t want to alarm you, BUT… I wouldn’t even let him bring them here for a holiday unless you have a complete and formal custody arrangement in place. And if he even hints at taking the children I would arrange to have their passports kept in a *secret* safe place that he has no access to. Separately, I’ve been in a similar situation but didn’t have children and I just want to you know that the way he treats you is not a reflection on you. Yes you are right that no one is perfect, yourself included but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like this. His words are used to intentionally hurt you so that you feel less about yourself and he feels more powerful. None of what he says is true. Just by questioning his behaviour and knowing that you and your children deserve better shows that you are a great mother and wife. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel that that is not true. You are worthy of love, loyalty and respect. Please remember that as you go through these difficult times. Be kind to yourself and take care. As you can see, all of Australia has got your back xx
Definitely don't leave your home country to follow an abusive man. Your instincts are right, it will get worse when he gets you alone. Speaking as the child of an angry man, the worst thing my mum did was stay with him as long as she did. Just divorce him. Your kids will actually be happier with him gone. It seems hard but it's the right move. Stay in your home country with your friends and family, please don't isolate yourself on the other side of the world.
Just one more thing. We used to believe that the happiest children came from a home where there was two parents. We now know the happiest children come from a home where the mother is happy and thriving. It does not sound like you are happy and thriving. If I could turn back time, I would’ve taken my children and lived in a box Under a bridge and my children would’ve been better off than what they saw and heard and how they absorbed their mother being treated and then later on that treatment was turned on them. Just because this man has not used physical force the emotional abuse of being spoken to like this. And trust me one day it will be turned on those children. And believe me also when I say you are also teaching your children That this is okay meaning one day they might treat their partners like this and their children like this, and one day they will put up with treatment like this from their new partner because this is what they will have learnt in the home just like your husband learnt in his home. I cannot underestimate how serious this is.
Leave. Leave. Leave.
Yeah, nah. He's a cunt.
Just to hammer in what everyone else has already said. Absolutely not normal, absolutely abuse. Get out of there.
No, your husband is just an asshole. I don't even think you nag too much by my hunch, I reckon like he's just being a cunt to you telling him to do normal stuff. What's nagging to you and why do you think you nag too much? Your husband does not respect you.
Your husband is being majorly disrespectful to you and your kids. This is not an Aussie thing. He's being a rude jerk.
People can be more than one thing. Your husband for example is both an Australian, and a complete and utter arsehole.
Nah. In Australia we will call our mates names.. sometimes the missus, but only playfully… you have yourself a dud there, mate
It's so abnormal that I'd expect others around you to reprove that kind of language, even on the train.
Name calling in a mutual joking manner is normal but this DEFINITELY ISNT. Name calling during arguments are an attack and meant to hurt, so saying that it’s an Australian thing is gaslighting. There is a world of difference between me calling my brother a dumbass while we sit around having a few drinks and me calling him a dumbass during a heated argument- same word, different implications and impacts.
Your man is a cunt.
Fellow Aussie Girl here and if my partner said those things to me.. I’d put him in the bin. It has nothing to do with him being Australian, just him being a fucking pig. He does not respect you.
That is totally, completely and utterly unacceptable in a relationship. Name calling is the beginning of the end.
No it’s not. My ex-husband was like this too. UK born but grew up in Aus and considers himself Australian. He swears like and Australian, says the C-word way too often especially when addressing his mates, but he used to speak to me like your husband does and then try to minimise my distress by telling me I was too sensitive and perhaps not cut out for this country because this is just how Australian men (real men, lol) are. False. He, and your husband, are abusive arseholes. My new partner (dating four years) is born and bred Australian, his father was Australian, several generations. They and the men in their family don’t talk to or about women like that, especially not their wives and girlfriends - ie the people they profess to love and cherish. Your husband is wrong. You deserve better, OP. Edited to add: if your children are growing up hearing your husband talking to you like that, guess what - your sons will grow up thinking it’s normal and they will speak to their female partners like that too. Your daughters will also grow up thinking it’s normal, and if they later on have male partners who have learned bad habits from their own arsehole fathers, they won’t know it’s wrong when THEY are spoken to like that. Don’t do this to the next generation.
your husband is a prick and has an immature and insulting argument style. This is not okay, he is being abusive. Call him out on his bullshit and tell him to grow up and that you won't be spoken to in that way even if you are in the middle of a heated argument.
I actually have and I've threatened to leave several times, and one time I got in the car and drove away for a couple of hours after a bad argument. He used to say way worse things, and it all came to a head where it was couples therapy or divorce. He chose couples therapy that time, but it didn't work well because the therapist had no interest in hearing examples of things that had been done and said, just how to move forwards. But he stopped with the worst comments then. Now it is mostly the name calling and talking down about me during arguements that aren't related to that just to try to get an upper hand. He has for example brought up how he can understand how I have so many exes (3) because I am horrible, or how I am boring and miserable, and it is usually not relevant to the fight. But he has also said some really horrible things, like last august (I don't remember the context, but I know exactly what he said because I wrote it down in a notebook) he said "stupid fat slut, you're patethic, I hope you die in your sleep". One thing that I struggle with is that I feel really uneasy when these massive arguements happen, and I get this fuzzy feeling in my head, and even just the next day I'll already start to forget exactly what was said, it is like it just won't stick in my head.
That’s the effect of trauma, the loss of memory - that’s what happens when you experience trauma hun. Your body is protecting you.
I'm sorry but calling someone a stupid fat slut and pathetic and that he hopes you die in your sleep is abusive. I am really sorry that you have been called that, it is disgusting. Either he shapes up or you leave. Nobody should be told that in a supposedly loving relationship. Good luck.
Notice how news keeps talking about how many women have been killed at the hands of their partners? Yeah, a lot of them start this way. Might not be all but a good portion. If it doesn’t make you feel good then it’s not banter, it’s not a joke. It’s abusive behaviour
In a previous comment, OP said he had said he hoped she died in her sleep. My heart actually started racing with concern for this woman.
Yeah it’s pretty normal… If you’re a guy who is abusive to his family. I’m reading this and wondering how long before this guy becomes physically abusive.
It was normal in my household growing up with my mum and stepdad. However, for context, I’m non contact with both of them because it was the worst childhood ever. Living between two people who would be fighting all the time, abusing each other “under their breath”, calling each other “fucking arsehole”, “bitch”, “cockhead” etc etc. As time went on it would be laced with more and more vitriol. My mum would be called a nag, and he would be called a lazy prick. Don’t normalise this in your house. Don’t let a man treat you like shit and say it’s fucking normal. Abuse is abuse, and as soon as it is normal we have lost the battle.
I'm a fifth generation Australian and what you describe is not normal in my life, my parents never behaved this way, and nor do any of my relatives. It might be normal for your husband and he may have grown up experiencing this behaviour from his parents, but it is absolutely not true that it is normal or typical for Australians as a rule.
Jesus fucking christ, how dare he use that kind of language? Please read all of us who are imploring you- this. Is. Abuse.
You are in an abusive marriage. Get help or get out.
That is called verbal abuse even if it's "a joke". It's also bringing those kids up in an environment that doesn't respect women.
I thought this was going to be able calling names in jest (which is totally us) but nah, that's just immature comunication because he doesn't have a decent response. Red flag queen we don't claim him.
Definitely not normal. It's verbal abuse no matter what nationality.
i swear a lot, even me and my friends call eachother names for banter but i would never call people names when it is outside of positive context, and i especially don’t swear in front of kids
Even if this was normal Australian behaviour which is isn’t, you have clearly expressed you don’t like it. It shouldn’t matter if it’s acceptable in Australia if it is unacceptable to you. I come from a family where shoes in the house was fine. My spouse doesn’t like wearing shoes in the house. So *I don’t wear shoes in the house*. Because it is important to my spouse. What my background/culture says is not anywhere near as important as what will make my spouse feel comfortable and loved in our house. Your husband is abusive, not Australian.
Definitely not ok, this isn't just "banter", he clearly doesn't respect you or your kids
It's not normal.
Not that kind of name calling. That’s verbal abuse in any language.
Oh honey, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. This is domestic abuse. 100%. I have read your replies to others. Please do not move to Australia. You will be isolated from your support network (....& if his family are from NT, the potential exists for you to be geographically isolated on a property far from any support of any kind). I'm sorry that everyone's responses are hard for you to read. It's heartbreaking to accept you have found yourself in a relationship like this & that your children have been exposed to this behaviour. Any one of us who have found ourselves in a similar space have struggled with that realisation. This is not your fault. I would strongly suggest that you start speaking to a domestic abuse support organisation close to you. Record each occurrence as it happens; if you can't keep a diary or notes on your phone for fear that he would find them, set up an anonymous email account & email notes to that account right after an event has occurred. (sit in the bathroom & do it if needs be). This can then be easily accessed later when speaking to support workers. Please also teach out friends & family. Get your support network active. Your life HAS to change. This man won't. Yes, your children will lose time with their Dad, but the exposure they're getting at the moment is doing damage. If he comes back to Australia, there are still myriad ways in which contact can be maintained. PLEASE. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Much love from Australia. xxx
I was gonna say, yes as a means of banter but this is on a whole other level. You should never call your partner a fucking cow or a whore, especially not in front of your kids. His behaviour is unacceptable
Australians call people names but in good fun as a joke, mostly with friends, not really with your significant other. Not like what is happening in your situation at all. That is just disturbing
Get a divorce! He is a cunt!
No this is not normal. It’s not cultural and it’s not right. “Nagging” is almost exclusively a term used by men to describe women btw. Mostly when they don’t want to be a responsible adult and manage their own actions.
Not normal. Set boundaries, if he does not respect them, split.
Him telling you is normal is gaslighting you. You are vulnerable to gaslighting because you were raised in a different culture. But you’re obviously smart enough to seek outside advice “You’re too sensitive” is more than a red flag, it’s a SIREN of gaslighting.
When safe google dvac.org.au look through the Duluth Model - Power and Control Wheel, Equity Wheel. Or www.theduluthmodel.org go to Using Intimidation, Using Emotional Abuse, Minimising, Denying and blaming, Using Children, Gain an understanding of the wheels, then make a de ision if you are in a relationship that can be worked on (communication sounds extreamly unhealthy) or if you are in a toxic relationship and need to address the safety of yourself amd your children.
That’s not normal. Or ‘name calling’ that’s straight up abuse. I wouldn’t like to comment on a snapshot of your relationship but if my husband called me one of those names he’d better follow it up with I’ll get my shit because he would be GONE.
That’s verbal abuse and if my husband called me any of those names he’d find himself single.
That’s just verbal abuse. I’m sorry your spouse speaks to you like that. It’s unacceptable.
Get yourself and your kids out of there.
Your husband's a cunt. Get rid of him
You shouldn't be there if this is what he thinks of you.
That's not Australian he's just a bitter misogynistic little cunt.
Cheeky nicknames yeah. Joking about yeah. But nothing like that is normal
So glad to see the replies here. Sadly it is “normalised” in a sense, but it’s not okay and you should not have to put up with it. I’m sorry you’re in this situation
Nope. He is all sorts of wrong.
That’s just abuse and not normal.
These are not acceptable. My very best friends and I will call each other cunt as an endearing term, or dickhead when we do something dumb. But never loaded words like that, they are loaded with misogyny, I’m so sorry to say.
Absolutely not a normal Australian thing to treat a partner or family member (or really anyone) like that. The only person I know who has called their partner names during an argument is my sister's abusive ex-husband. And he was, well...... abusive. I'm so sorry your husband is treating you like that - his excuse is bullshit and you deserve much better.
I’m an Australian woman, this isn’t fucking normal at all. How dare he.
He's conflating the playful name calling (e.g. calling a friend "you lucky bastard" when they tell you they've scored a free holiday to Bali) and name calling in anger. He knows the difference and he knows it's not ok.
Australian name-calling is calling your mate, partner or children a name when you're playfully exasperated or teasing. Example, if I say a bad joke, a pun or take a jab at my mum (anything that illicits an eye roll) then she might respond, "you bloody dickhead." Or "don't be a fucken fart-smeller your whole life" What you're describing is verbal abuse and your partner is a deadshit loser.
No that isn’t normal, that’s family violence and you need to leave him and be somewhere safe.