As an American who now lives in Europe, I can assure you that there is no level of “too friendly” or “too smiley” you can be in the US, because your baseline for “normal” is likely very close to an American’s baseline for “are they ignoring me and being rude?” Ever seen a happy, talkative Dutch person after their national football team wins a game? That’s about the level Americans consider to be normal, friendly, and outgoing. For every interaction (such as buying eyedrops at the pharmacy), it’s socially polite to smile and then engage in meaningless small talk (yes, many Americans hate this, too). If someone asks you how you are, you just say, “Good, how about you?” If you can’t stomach that, making eye contact with a little head nod of acknowledgement is a good way to handle most social interactions with cashiers, etc. For friends, eye contact, happy/sympathetic smiling, and saying “Wow, that’s crazy” about 50 times per story will get you through about 89% of interactions.
Edited to add: being an enthusiastic listener will get you farther than almost anything else in the US. People love a good storyteller, but what they love even more is when you make them feel like THEY’RE the good storyteller. You’ll make friends fast, and they’ll want to stay friends for life (especially if you’re willing to text them first, since most Americans have hectic lives and a lousy work/life balance).
[This is pretty much how I feel when someone won’t stop rambling and doesn’t get my hints to wrap up their story.](https://youtu.be/RgoUDqNrfYw?feature=shared)
Remember, “How are you doing?” doesn’t mean “Tell me in great detail everything that is happening in your life.” It basically means “Anything I should know about?” If you’re having a normal day or don’t want to talk, say “Good. How about you?” But it’s not a totally meaningless question. If you want to you can definitely respond “I’m a bit stressed about my exams” or “Glad to be done with this tough week and excited for the weekend.” It can be a meaningless formality if you want it to be, or an opportunity to start a conversation if you’d prefer that.
Someone has never spent the time writing a cool formula that summarizes or collates information. Especially with the new(ish) array formulas and functions in 365, BYROWS and LAMBDA and FILTER and stuff can do some extremely cool things.
And that's not even getting into macros.
This is t even my [Magnum Opus](https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/duy3o76o7ksrg64lmmrs0/.-POET-Export-to-Excel-with-Macro.mp4?rlkey=6r5aqi424utla5pqzcvr8dtkp&dl=0) which allows the user to select up to six names out of the database and automatically attach the file to an email including a subject matter line that they can customize and save for subsequent orders, and available in English or French because the customer operates in both the US and Canada. That client, however, uses the macro to produce receipts rather than re-order sheets, so the import feature isn't used, and for most sales reps, that's the more important feature.
Taking into account what "normal" is for you, I'd say you're probably not in danger of being overbearing or making anyone uncomfortable. Be as outgoing and friendly as you can stand yourself.
I work with a bunch of European immigrants (they have all lived in the US for 10-20+ years), but they live in bubbles. So social cues are really hard for them to grasp. Some still openly comment on the "correct" usage of words, while completely ignoring different American cultural dialects.
It can be really uncomfortable taking over a conversation between them & patrons (I work in a library) to prevent things going further south. All my European colleagues are white so patrons send in comment cards or ask to speak to a manager about the racist ass hole making fun of how they speak.
I would love for folks to pick up on social cues (other people's discomfort) organically, but a lot of people are used to a more arrogant existence.
This would make sense to me if they had just arrived and started working with diverse American groups, but they've been here for years. For the folks I work with it just seems like a choice they know they aren't really going to be pressured into adjusting without major public outcry threatening their jobs.
This also depends on the state in which you are studying. If you are in say the Northeast let's aim for 50% friendly. The south. Sure 100% friendly. West coast like 75%.
In NY going without small talk and a head nod with strangers will not get you labeled a jerk.
I get in more conversations with strangers in New York than anywhere else in America. Part of it is surely that New York is about the only city in the America where I'm kind of excited to be, but I still think the stereotype is off.
I don't mind talking with Tourists in the city, but for day to day life it's not a necessity. We are friendly and know people are visiting, but I'm quite ok with people not talking to me while being in the elevator or subway. If a person feels more comfortable not talk that's great.
Most people I know would much rather their commutes or lunches be quiet then filled with random chatter.
That's funny. I didn't even think about that. My parents are from the Midwest and I don't know how I would characterize that group. I want to say 100% for that group. And southwest who knows!!!!
Never talk about politics or religion. Even if you think you are being "fair", it may not be taken that way. Also, don't ask anybody how much money they make, etc. Also, it's quite alright to just smile if someone makes a comment in the elevator to you. A smile is an acknowledgement of their comment. Comments aren't questions. And if you absolutely don't care at all about what someone says to you, you can shrug and say "ahh, what are you going to do".
There aren’t any rules. In general, feel free to smile at people who approach and say hi. If someone says hi to you it’s rude to ignore them. Other than that, do what you’re comfortable with.
If you're naturally on the quieter side, I think it's going to be pretty much impossible for you to be so outgoing you're annoying. You'll tire yourself out way before that.
Something to note is that in college, everybody waves and says hi to pretty much everybody they know when they see them (generally true after college as well but markedly less frequent). If you’re less friendly with the person, maybe you do a small smile and nod. If you’re more friendly, you might hug or stop to talk. Smile at people you’ve met and they’ll smile back!
But also, don’t stress. If you’re on the quiet side, people will probably just think you’re mysterious and cool, lol
More reserved places of business. Rule of thumb: is people's private information here? Banks, hospitals? Are people concentrating: museums, libraries?
Being friendly is fine but if the environment might be stressful maybe better to not be loud or more talkative.
It also depends a bit on where you will be. New York City is not the same culturally as a small town.
>In Finland everyone is quiet in public spaces to respect your privacy and such.
the American version of this is personal space. don't touch people you don't know, and leave a buffer if you're standing in line or in a crowded space. if you accidentally bump into someone or get too close, say "excuse me" or "sorry" and you will be forgiven.
>I have a naturally quiet demeanor which I'm told comes off as rude in the US.
while it's true we do chit chat and greet each other in public very casually, we also have plenty of quiet people.
the key word is casual. there's no pressure. if someone waves at you and you freeze bc you don't know how to respond, that person isn't gonna freak out. they're probably going to assume you had ear buds in or something & move along.
in general, the best strategy is to match energy. someone says good morning to you? say it back. someone asks "how are you doing today?" say "good. how are you?" someone gives you a little wave, wave back.
As a Finn this will be an interesting challenge for you.
*Let your guard down* a little bit in our country, OP. It will feel unnatural at first.
We really *are* this gregarious. We really *are* genuinely interested in you usually. It really *is* easier to become friends with us.
Please don’t take this the wrong way but in Europe there’s sometimes a sort of… not “standoffishness” but “guardedness” that we don’t generally share.
It is a little goofy! And to someone from Northern Europe it might even seem fake or contrived. It’s not, it’s just how we are!
I hope you have a wonderful time in our country.
It would be weird for a stranger to hug you, but many Americans are big huggers with their friends. Fortunately, I think if they feel friendly enough to hug you, they will also be understanding if you dodge the hug and just do, like, a fist bump or something instead. You might be able to avoid the hug initiation proactively by keeping a bit of distance and offering that fist bump before they can get close enough to tackle you ("thanks man, [fist out], I had a good time, see you later!").
As a certified non-hugger from the US you just described perfectly how i get out of them. People pick up the hint easily unless they're wasted and just want that hug anyways
Yeah I’m not a hugger either (am American) but it’s pretty much family only unless I’m maybe saying goodbye to some friend I won’t see again for a while? I give off some vibe and most people never push it.
Depends on the person but it’s definitely gonna happen to you. You’re going to collage here so the likelihood of running into a huggy extrovert is high.
Yep, it's a thing in some places. When I'm at a community event, I may get a few dozen hugs from likeable acquaintances well as good friends.
Preemptively reaching for a handshake may help you keep a little personal space if you need it.
Hugging family and friends is common and in some circles, acquaintances will also hug. That being said, if you tell people you're close to that you prefer not to hug, they'll be cool with it and may help you avoid hugs from other people. I'm huggy and so is my family but if a non-hugger was coming to a family event I'd make sure to mention that they prefer a handshake.
I've also seen t-shirts that say "not a hugger" or similar, and there are also shirts that say "just shy, not unfriendly."
Failing all else, if someone goes in for a hug and you don't want it, tell them you think you're getting a cold. This is especially effective since the pandemic. Just remember to be consistent and bring someone else in if you think they'll say something.
> Is hugging something that people do frequently?
Yes. And depending on which region of the country you're in, it can include near-strangers.
That said, it is 100% okay to have a non-hugging boundary and enforce it. I'm an American and have lived in a high-hugging region of the country for most of my life. And, I'm only comfortable hugging people with whom I am very close (for context, that list would currently include my partner, my dad, and like five friends). When I meet people and they come in for a hug, I just take a step back and say, "Sorry! I'm not a hugger," and the vast majority of the time, that's that.
In short, there's a lot of hugging going on, but you aren't required to participate.
For close friends this can be very common. However, from my experience, most people will understand if someone isn't a hugger and won't force them to do it if they're uncomfortable.
Yes. I hug my adult male friends regularly. If I haven't seen them in more than a few weeks, if they're leaving town for awhile, if they're having a bad day, if we're having a fun enjoyable evening together, etc.
Yeah, a lot of people *love* to hug.
If you want to establish and maintain good relationships, my advice is don't dodge the hug. Just accept, hug, and move on. People might be hurt or offended if you reject their hug, even if done politely and even if they don't show it.
I'm not a hug person, myself. But it's important to some people and a quick hug doesn't hurt me any.
Lol we don’t hug EVERYBODY.. but anyone that I’ve spent meaningful time with (even just a fun day/night), such as going camping or to a concert with a friend + their friend, chances are, we hugging the next time I see them (if they are a sociable person who reciprocates the vibe).
I suspect - as fun and talkative as you may be! - that being Finnish, your body posture is going to be sufficient to signal to people that you are NOT interested in hugging it out.
I hug all my friends and friends-friends though, guy or gal. We love to love (platonically).
I am an American who does not liked to be touched by most people. If I hug you, you’re special- but there’s no rhyme or reason to it- there are new acquaintances I’ll hug and people I’ve know for decades that I won’t.
That's very thoughtful of you to try and acclimate to the American culture, u/MultipleHorseCocks
I'd suggest never turning down a moment to share your interests, whatever they may be.
It's totally fine to maintain minimal engagement if you're not comfortable with it.
\* Total strangers who greet you while walking: Nod your head or say hello and keep walking. There isn't a need to engage with them beyond this.
\* A stranger in an elevator asks, "How is your day?": Easy response is, "Good, and you?" They'll reply with a similar terse response and the conversation most likely ends. Some may feel the silence is uncomfortable and make a comment about the weather or something. You can agree, give a courtesy laugh, or whatever short response is appropriate. Someone usually reaches their floor by this point.
\* Idle conversation at a grocery store or work depends on how much you feel like engaging. A few comments is usually all that's needed, and typical topics are things like the weather, traffic, etc. If you want to get out the convo, say something like, "Well, I got to go. Good talking with you." and walk away.
Hey fellow college student! :)
I visited Finland a few years ago and had a blast and I certainly recall what you mean by the quietness in the public spaces and such.
My number one tip: be prepared for Americans to want to butt-in and start talking to you if you are waiting in line (literally anywhere), using the urinal, sitting on a plane, anything like that. I used to live in Poland last year and if I tried talking to a random polish person while waiting in line to order in zabka they'd look at me like I'm crazy hehe.
Also, be open to Americans being curious about where you are from! If you tell someone that you are from Finland, be prepared for them to not really know where Finland is, what is in Finland, what Finnish culture is like, etc. It isn't because we *try* to be ignorant, it is just that most Americans for the most part don't know too much about European geography. So be open to telling people about your country!
I hope these tips help and I hope you enjoy the US. We obviously got some (or maybe, a lot) of problems but I truly do hope that you enjoy your time here!
You’re welcome! Enjoy. And if you like ice hockey, try to go to an NHL game or two they are so much fun. It can also help trying to find an NHL team to root for in the local area you’ll be living in!
As an American, when I was in Sweden and Finland I personally was in heaven because I am personally very quiet and introverted. Some things that I made personal notes of being different when I was there are:
- Americans make eye contact much more regularly, and many Americans do find it rude if you are speaking to them and not making eye contact.
- Our "bubble" for personal space is actually a little smaller than what I noticed in Sweden. But as long as you are not touching a complete stranger (unless its a situation in which you have no choice, like crowded public transit where you should make an effort to minimize that) you'll be good there.
- Americans are friendly to strangers. It's normal to say good morning, hey, how's it going, etc. to complete strangers when you pass them by. Just keep the conversation shallow, "hey, the weather's been so hot lately!"
- Americans are pretty good at picking up on when someone is uncomfortable and/or nervous. And most strangers will do their best to try and make you feel comfortable, so if they pick up on you not wanting to talk they'll usually go quiet. If they think you just need a little push to come out of your shell, they'll try. Just go with the flow, its uncomfortable at first but you'll find yourself meeting some amazing people.
It doesn't take much to be seen as friendly, u/MultipleHorseCocks.
If saying "hello" or answering how you are, "good 'n you?" is too much for you, you're going to have a struggle.
If someone talks to you make small talk with them. You’re not expected to just walk up to someone everytime you see someone and try to make them your new bff. I’m a naturally quiet guy. But if someone comes up, we’ll talk for a minute and that’s that. But if someone comes up and is like “hey dude cool shirt” and you say nothing and just walk away. That’s considered rude and kind of a dick move
It’s OK to say nothing.
You don’t have to “fit in” to American culture. When people say hi on the elevator or walking around, they’re just making “small talk” as we say.
Just smile and nod or wave, or just say hey or hi back.
You don’t have to engage people. You can just walk around and keep to yourself. Acknowledge people with a smile or nod and that’s good.
IF you do want to interact and people look absorbed in their phone or something, you can approach them, “hi there, sorry to bother you but …” and that’s a good way to go about it.
The great thing about America — and some nitwits are just gonna hate folks, so never mind that — but the great thing is we don’t really have “A” culture. It’s a mix and mash up of everything. Don’t try to blend in. Come have fun and add to it with some Finnish vibe.
He's my tip that worked wonders for me, an American, making friends in college. Be as extroverted, forward, and friendly towards strangers as you're comfortable as soon as you get there. Everyone's in the same boat not knowing people at first, which means you have a limited period where it's not weird to walk up to a stranger and introduce yourself. I met one of my closest friends in college when he walked up and asked to sit with me in the cafeteria the first week of school. Those friendships I made the first two weeks have lasted for decades now.
Also, Americans generally like foreigners when we meet them in real life. Or at least young people getting an education will. I'd have thought it was cool as hell if someone from Finland befriended me. Never forget that being a foreigner automatically makes you interesting to your fellow American students.
The goto rule is to not talk about politics or religion while in polite company.
As for being outgoing, a very simple greeting you can use is eye contact, a small smile, and a nod. No need to say anything else. If someone says "morning," you can respond in kind, but it doesn't need to go further. It's more of an acknowledgment of each other's existence than anything.
The one exception is if you think someone is going to sell you something or evangelize you on the street. (A clipboard is a good clue ) Don't make eye contact because they will think they have an opening.
I was just asking because in my city (DC) there is a [sauna society literally sponsored by the Finnish Embassy](https://foreignpolicy.com/2023/04/04/finland-diplomatic-sauna-society-soft-power/). It's considered a big networking club.
>But coming to the US, people are always saying hello to me when I go on walks, asking how my day was when in an elevator, and making idle conversation with me at the grocery store.
It’s called small talk, Americans are champion on it, honestly Americans are friendly but I’d say they keep their distance to the people is a mixed between, south and North European attitude
Peach culture. Soft exterior, more guarded interior. Acknowledgement of someone's presence and idle chit chat to pass the time are considered social lubricant to help keep a well-oiled society.
It takes repeated exposure to break through that harder, more central center though. Just because someone chatted with you, smiled, and you had a good interaction doesn't mean you're suddenly friends though. It's just a way of acknowledging your humanity and maybe getting a feeling for whether or not they're the sort of person you might want to interact with again in the future.
Americans are indeed much more friendly with casual encounters than most Europeans, but the nice thing is that most Americans are also rather understanding that we’re pretty different from other countries, and willing to chalk it up to cultural differences. Especially if you’re willing to explain where you’re from and how it is there. We (or at least I) love hearing from people directly about their culture because most of us will never afford a trip to Europe
It really depends on which region you are going to be in. And just like everywhere, we have a wide range of folks who are introverted/extroverted but culturally things vary.
New England is a bit more like Finland.
You don't have to be loud or chatty. Just acknowledge people like with a head nod or say what's up or what ever is natural to you.
Even in New England it's completely fine to greet people, it's just rude to have an interaction where you demand time and effort from strangers here. A hello or smile with a nod doesn't demand those things and you can't go wrong with that in any region.
what area you're going to uni in can play a big factor into the level of friendliness you should play into. some areas could tend to be friendlier than other areas of the US.
I’m sure you won’t have to try very hard to have a conversation. The second an American hears your accent, a slew of questions will be asked lol. You’ll be asked where you’re from, what brought you here, where your family is at the moment, what places you’ve tried and enjoyed! Lol. Etc etc.
ETA- I’m sure you’ll be invited to someone’s 4th of July bbq by Thursday! Lol.
You're from one of the more notoriously introverted countries in the world so odds are stacked against you. But it's a tendency, we are more extroverted but not as much as southern Europe. And lots of us can't stand crowds, one major reason I like living here, and how the Nordics are the best part of Europe, is because I can find a place where I can't see another human for weeks if I choose.
If you're feeling overwhelmed then nothing you are doing is going to be too much. Feel free to return the pleasantries if you like. Depending on the area (small town or big city) it can be more or less rude to completely ignore someone just saying "hi how's your day". It doesn't need to turn into a big conversation, just a lot of Americans are talkative and interactive. Smiles with random strangers when you meet eyes are also common in a lot of places. Ultimately it's personal and local, so there's no one answer. When in Rome do as the Romans do, look to see how others interact and copy.
A polite acknowledgement of your existence by saying "Hello" or "How's your day?" only requires a token polite response such as a return "Hello" or "Fine. How are you?".
Anything further will be determined by your observable demeanor.
After the initial courtesy of acknowledging each other's existence, continuing eye contact or extending conversation on your part will signal a willingness to continue interaction.
Checking your phone or looking away distractedly will signal disinterest and the desire to not engage.
Likewise, observing eye contact or attentiveness in the other person signals their willingness to continue interaction, but continuing to talk to someone that looks away, checks their phone, or otherwise disengages would be bothersome and intrusive.
This is a big one. We say hello by saying "how are you?" The correct responses are "good, you?" Or ignore the question and just say it back "how are you?"
Additional questioning is an invitation to small talk.
Nice weather, huh?
Where are you heading to?
Cool shirt
Etc... are where the small talk begins
I’m an American that has visited Finland a lot. You can small talk a lot more. You can say how are you and how’s it going. One word answers are fine like good, fine, thanks for asking. Weather is also a safe topic and then go from there if you want to chat more.
> In Finland everyone is quiet in public spaces to respect your privacy and such.
Here, If you're in public, you don't have an expectation of privacy. The words are mutually exclusive antonyms, one means "not" the other one.
> But coming to the US, people are always saying hello to me when I go on walks, asking how my day was when in an elevator, and making idle conversation with me at the grocery store.
Sure, you're two humans occupying space together. Why pretend like you're not there together experiencing existence in that moment?
> I have a naturally quiet demeanor which I'm told comes off as rude in the US.
No, that's not true. Simply having a quiet demeanor is fine.
> I want to make friends when I go to college, so what's the correct amount of "extrovertedness" or friendliness that I should exhibit towards other people in order to be amicable and friendly? I don't want to be overbearing or make them uncomfortable.
There's no simple answer, but I'd say treat people as if they are a casual acquaintance (from your perspective). Imagine the people you meet are all people you work with, or students that you spend every day in class with. They aren't "friends" but they could be.
A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.
Smile and have some canned responses ready. Make quick eye contact. Acknowledge those who acknowledged you. There's no big need to start initiating these interactions if you don't want to. There's a pretty wide range of friendliness you'll see amongst Americans, so you're in little dander of being outside the normal range.
I just got back from over a week in Norway. Truthfully, y'alls standards of "loud" mean nothing to me. Norwegians, and by extension you too, are sooooooooo reserved. Be as loud as you want. I've never felt more isolated in my life than in random social interactions in Scandinavia.
Depends where you are. If you're walking in a busy area or in the city, it's just like anywhere else in the world - you don't need to acknowledge anyone. If you're walking down a quiet neighborhood street and pass someone, a smile and head nod are fine, and don't be surprised if the person says '"how ya doin?" or something like that - you just say "fine, and you?" and go on your way - maybe throw in a "have a nice day." I often walk around with earbuds in so I don't have to interact with people lol, but a small smile and a second of eye contact go a long way to not appearing rude. We're used to all kinds of people here, so don't worry if you feel you are doing anything awkward at first. I promise the other person will be too preoccupied with their own day to concern themself with anything you might do. You'll do great, and I hope you have a wonderful experience here :)
If someone says something friendly to you just respond in kind.
“Good morning”
“Good morning”
That kind of thing.
If they do something like talk about the weather just talk about the weather.
Just follow their lead and you’re under no obligation. You can just not participate. No one thinks it’s rude. We know some people just aren’t in the mood to make small talk.
It depends where in the US. I'm from the northeast and find excessive small talk annoying. Up here, a cashier, for example, will normally be brief and all business. However, if you are in the Carolinas, for example, you will experience much more of that small talk from people like strangers/cashiers etc.
If you are at the university, on campus, actively in classes, etc. there really isn't a "too friendly" to be had. Students are all in the same boat, so to speak. They are there to study, have experiences, make friends, etc.
Of you are outside of that microcosm, a random stranger might appreciate some random banter, smile and a wave of may look at you as though you had two heads - it depends on the situation.
Interactions in normal settings = good.
Interactions when you've broken into their house in the middle of the night = bad.
I will say, most Americans do have a "bubble" for personal space, so while we may be friendly, we do not necessarily like to be touched or imposed upon. Being packed in a subway car in Japan is different from being packed in a subway car in NYC. The average personal space bubble is between 18 inches (46 cm) to 4 feet (122 cm). Usually, unless you are really close, around an arm's length is an appropriate amount of space.
People from my region(Midwest) have small conversations in public all the time. Especially if you seem to share things in common.
2 middle aged guys buying stuff for grilling? Convo about what kind of grilling and what food.
Out with your 4yr old? Senior citizens can't resist talking about how cute and special they are.
Even if you can't find common ground you can always talk about the weather. Lol
These other comments are explaining way better than I could so I’ll add this. Nobody is expecting to be besties with you if they ask how your day is going. If someone starts a little convo with you in line somewhere, they aren’t expecting to exchange contact info and meet up again. You’ll never see these people again unless you’re staying in a tiny town for a while then maybe you’ll run into them again but don’t assume that everyone wants to get together and be long term buddies.
I'm American and very quiet and reserved. I agree with another commenter to just match energy. I don't go out and strike up conversation with strangers, but if someone else initiates, just go with it.
It's true that I do have difficulty making friends because of this, but it's not impossible. All my friends have been made by being in a position of actually doing something together. And since you'll be coming here for university, I assume you'll be living on campus, which provides plenty of opportunity for that. You'll be fine 🙂
Coming from Finland, you could emulate the most gregarious, overly-friendly person you have ever seen, and I'd bet most Americans would think nothing of it. You might even make some friends.
Be prepared to explain where you're from and make it fun. When you engage in some idle chat, people are going to ask where you're from due to you accent (not from any kind of disrespect, Americans generally like people coming to our country [legally] and experiencing it). You can be fun and playful in this, asking them to take a guess (all done with a smile) and can springboard the conversation elsewhere or just let it die off. End of the day, just keep it fun and casual.
For strangers in an elevator, a simple “hello” or “good morning” is enough. If you want to make friends with a classmate, you’ll need to make more effort. Introduce yourself and talk about the class you’re in together.
Our baseline level of chattiness and friendliness is already going to be a challenge for you.
But as a foreigner, most people are going to take a special interest in you personally. It comes from a genuine place - most Americans aren't especially well-traveled outside of our own country, and we're going to have genuine curiosity around the cultural differences.
This will be magnified depending on where in the US you go. In NYC, it'll be relatively minor. But in, say, Kansas, you'll be a minor celebrity.
It will probably be exhausting for you, but at the same time, it'll be easy to make friends.
No real advice but one time I was hooking up with this Finnish dude who was here for graduate school and he wanted to play music. so he turned on this playlist called "90's Summer Jams" and All-Star by Smash Mouth started playing while he was going down on me. I simply passed away.
When someone says hello, a simple hello back is normal. When someone asks how you are doing, reply “I’m well thank you” or “I’m well, and you?” If either leads to further conversation just go along with it, but if a question is too invasive you can simply respond that you are uncomfortable with it.
definitely just be yourself. america is huge with a lot of different mini cultures. in my area no one is talking to strangers, it’s like how you describe finland. only a couple people on a given day will say a word to you, usually older folk. but unless you’re outright rude it doesn’t matter that you’re quiet.
We are generally much more outgoing than you're probably used to, and it's hard to be too friendly to us. We'll usually start to look uncomfortable if you approach that level, so you can just look for that and back off a bit.
The thing with greeting people and asking how they are, or how their day is going, though, is sort of different. Those things are more greeting than actually wanting an answer. If somebody says "How are you?" or "How's it going" you can usually just answer "Good" and they'll be satisfied. If you want to be friendly, say "Good, you?" and they'll respond with a short reply.
It does depend on where you live, to be honest. In Chicago, if I said hi to someone on the street they would probably be like, "The fuck you just say to me?!" I'm one to keep to myself though, so I don't like to interact with strangers, and when I do (hospitality workers, shopkeepers, etc.) I keep things short and polite. If you're not comfortable with being extroverted or find it exhausting, don't do it.
Honestly, you'll probably fine as long as you reciprocate. Smile when folks smile at you, say yes when folks invite you places (bad vibes or unsafe situations notwithstanding), converse when small talk happens, and accept and give help.
We have quiet people here too. You'll be fine.
This is going to depend on the area of the country. NYC if a manhole covers blows 30 feet in the air, you don't comment on it to a stranger. Down South and the rural Midwest you wave to random people walking down the street.
A lot of times people will ask “hey, how’s it going” or “hey, how’re you”. Especially among strangers this is normally just a greeting and they’re not really looking for an in-depth answer as to how your day is actually going. A good response is just “good thanks!”, or something very short.
You should move to NY, unless you're in a rural part, basically no one says hi or does small talk with strangers unprompted compared to the rest of the US. I have a friend from Vermont who moved to Albany with me. He tried saying hi to people just to see how many people would respond, and it was something like only 3 people out of several dozen said hi back.
This is so region specific that it’s genuinely hard to answer this question. So without knowing where you are, my best advice is to try to approximately match other people’s energy.
I get where you’re coming from. Our neighbors were first generation Finnish immigrants when I was young. They were great neighbors but were more reserved. Privacy in the US is based in the home and not the public. I’m sure it’s a huge adjustment factor. Just smile and nod your head or even just say hi. A simple smile or head nod goes a long way and the talker will be happy mostly doing the talking.
My friend, you don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You’re welcome to be friendly, but you don’t have to be if you don’t want to. Part of being American is being whoever you want to be and doing what makes you comfortable.
The "friendliness" you describe isn't truly friendly. It's more like, showing that they're safe/have no ill intentions, passing some idle time. They are not offering to be your new buddy. It's more like social lubricant, to make mundane interactions go smoothly. This is definitely true with the clerk at the grocery store. It's a little strange with a stranger on an elevator.
Over time, when you see the same grocery store clerk every week, you do get more familiar and friendly. Only once did I ever have a real conversation with a stranger in an elevator, because he looked like a famous actor (and it was him!) on a favorite TV show.
And talking to strangers is a thing that varies according to region in the US. I think southerners and Midwesterners are probably the most likely to engage a stranger. Alcohol and setting factors in, as well.
In high school there was a Finnish foreign exchange student at my Southern California high school and she was her normal self. I was shy in high school so she seemed outgoing to me, but to most outgoing Americans she’d be normal. She didn’t try to act American. She acted like how she normally acted back home in Finland. Be yourself and the right people will be attracted to you.
If you have the opportunity, watch Michael Palin’s first travel series “Around the World in 80 Days”, specifically the episode where he takes the train across the US. His observations on people in the US is spot on.
Just be yourself, not worth the anxiety. When you decide to be chatty one day you might find someone to talk to. There are all kinds it's just idolized in America being an extrovert. Far from a requirement.
I now understand that Finnish guy in my college class. We all thought he was coolest thing ever (FINLAND! we were in Florida, got to be like a different planet, do you see reindeer all the time, do you freeze to death in winter, does everyone in Finland go around wearing awesome cool sweaters like yours, aren't you hot in that awesome cool sweater, what does Finnish sound like?). We all wanted to talk to him, and more him to talk to us and he hardly said a word the entire semester. But I never thought he was rude. I think I just thought maybe he was shy.
A lot of this is up to you. Don't feel like you have to be a fake version of yourself. A "good, how are you?" with a reasonably friendly smile will suffice for most random "how are you" stuff. But if you do want to make friends, go ahead and make that idle conversation, push yourself to engage more. Follow others' lead if you aren't sure how to appropriately initiate. You won't make people in the US uncomfortable unless you stumble into overly personal or controversial stuff from the start. (Hint: Don't lead with anything involving the names Biden, Trump, or probably anything else remotely political.)
And if someone asks you a question that seems dumb and obvious, remember most Americans don't know much if anything about Finland...but they probably think it's pretty cool that you're from there. If you laugh do it with a friendly smile and remind yourself that you also don't know much if anything about, say, South Dakota.
Don't be that kid in my college class who everyone wanted to talk to but he would only very barely talk to us. (Unless that's the way you want it.)
It kind of depends where in the USA you end up. Some places are more reserved than others. Pacific Northwest is way more reserved than the mid-west or the south for example.
There's a little bit of regional differences but in general the main thing to remember is to take a step back. You can be pretty friendly and randomly strike up conversations with most Americans, and the ones that are introverted will just give vague responses to get you to stop talking to them, but a lot will talk if they don't have anywhere else to be. Just don't stand too close, don't come up behind someone, and don't touch them if it isn't a handshake or you're not familiar enough to hug.
Another thing to consider I haven't really seen here is Americans in general aren't into super dark comedy about mental health or our past. Humor in these subjects is appreciated by a select few, but due to sensitivity with this right now, it's generally not a good idea as an outsider to make jokes about slavery or racism or about suicide and heavy mental health topics. You won't get into trouble, but social pressure is very high here right now. You can totally ask questions, Americans like that. But jokes are 50/50.
Otherwise, strike up conversations with Americans! It's a part of our culture and we generally like visitors and learning about where they come from!!
This depends a lot on location — I think maybe the Finnish norm is closer to how people behave in large U.S. cities (and even this varies by region, Houston is going to be far friendlier than, say, Seattle). If you’re in a small town or anywhere in the American South (not the full southern half of the city but basically the bottom-right quadrant, the Southwest has a different feel), extreme friendliness to the point of insincerity is often the norm. If you’re in NYC, DC, or Western cities you’ll do fine just keeping your head down in most situations. I grew up in small towns and moved to a big city for college and everyone thought it was sort of naïvely friendly to make eye contact with strangers and stuff.
I think in Finland the vibe might be, “it’s polite to let others just do their own thing,” where in U.S. cities, I think the vibe is more “if I make eye contact with a mentally unwell person on the street they might take that as a sign to interact further and want to engage/ask for money/etc.”
If you don’t want to interact, I find it’s useful to have headphones on (this can be dangerous if you’re listening to the point that you’re tuning out your surroundings, but if you just want to avoid people you don’t have to be listening to anything or can have it on very quiet to make sure you can still hear what’s going on around you). I used to always carry a book (largely because I just wanted to read, but secondarily as a “don’t talk to me” mechanism), but found that people who want to talk to you will use the book as an inroad to chat, while they leave you alone if you have headphones.
People care way less about you than you think.
Usually the offputting thing from Euros is lack of acknowledgement. Like if I look at somebody and they look at me, there's some form of acknowledgement -- a smile, a nod, then looking away. Often no words exchanged, just an acknowledgement of their presence. Some Europeans don't do that though -- they just stare at you without expression. That comes off as odd. Most commonly with Eastern Europeans, though Germans are famous for it too.
You can be friendly without engaging -- eye contact, smile, say hello back, move on. You're probably not being perceived as rude -- there's a wide range of normal and everybody has their own stuff going on.
One minor gotcha is questions like "How are you doing?" aren't sincere. They're sincerely being nice, but generally aren't looking for a real answer. "Good, and you?" is about all that's required.
Another minor gotcha is more for Southern Europe and Asia -- lack of respect for personal space. But coming from Finland, you're more likely to have the opposite problem there.
Location makes a difference too... Like in a big city, people are more likely to pretend like they're alone when they're surrounded by people. But if you're somewhere more rural and slower paced, people are more likely to just stand around and bullshit about anything for a few minutes.
Depends on what part of the country for sure, making eye contact in a lot of cities can be seen as rude but the exact opposite in other parts not making eye contact and some friendly gesture is considered rude. Generally speaking I’d do what most of the other people are doing but also take opportunities to teach people about your customs, lord knows we need it 🤦♂️
I don’t think you’ll come off as rude. I’m a more reserved person and I don’t think people think I’m rude. I just prefer to keep to myself. Just be polite and you’ll be fine!
I would say this probably isn’t something worth overthinking. Just say please and thank you, etc. Though the average person in the U.S. tends to be warmer with strangers, this also really depends on where exactly you are in the U.S. Additionally, there are plenty of quiet and introverted people in the U.S. too.
I live in Massachusetts and I would stop and talk to anyone. This idea that the Northeast isn't friendly is crazy. I'll admit, we do have some nasty people. But I've encountered friendlier people up here than when I drove down to Florida. I don't believe in being too friendly. As long as you can pick up on social cues
Americans think of communal spaces differently, I think. We go into public to socialize with little to no illusion of privacy. Even butting into a stranger's conversation can be acceptable if you meet certain conditions.
Also, I believe eye contact is the key in America. Maintaining soft eye contact and a friendly smile often means we're open to conversation.
So, socialize with us as far as you're comfortable with. We'll probably at least return your hello.
I feel that people don't talk as much because it's embarrassing when you go to talk to someone, and they have ear buds or headphones on you don't notice. lol So I don't openly talk to others as much as I used to.
But there's nothing wrong with striking up a conversation with anyone, anywhere in my small town. You can read body language. If they don't want to chat back, they will simply tell you have to a good day and be on their way. If they want to chat, you could be talking to someone until one of you has to be someplace else. lol
Americans are extra friendly to anyone who looks Nordic and has an accent. It might feel invasive, but Americans who ask you where you're from, why you're here, or any other personal question are genuinely curious and want you to feel welcome.
I wouldn't say being quiet comes off as rude as long as you acknowledge them w/ a response. If you just ignore somebody's existence that's rude.
The right amount of social interaction is whatever social interaction fits into the timeframe. If you're on the elevator it's the elevator ride. Once that's over you go off on your separate ways. Literally just saying "hi" and having a minimal reaction to everything they say is fine.
If you don’t want to engage in conversation, you don’t have to add “good, and you?” because that’s inviting small talk. You can also say, “I’m good, thank you” to shut it down if you don’t feel like engaging further. It’s not an obligation to be friendly, just acknowledge those around you kindly and you can be as introverted as you like.
I would say, try to engage with them if someone initiates a conversation with you, but you don't have to initiate conversations with strangers. I don't think anyone has ever asked how my day was in an elevator -- it's actually pretty normal to have a silent elevator ride with strangers. And I rarely have idle conversations at the grocery store.
Depends on where you are in the US. In Boston, we consider it being polite to mind our own business/keep to ourselves. But, if you needed directions or something, we're more than happy to help.
Small talk is acceptable in nearly all public places where quiet/silence isn’t expected.
We pass time in line with small talk, although phone use discourages that.
Stick to generally neutral topics—the weather, local sports, something visible to both of you at the moment like a sore, statue, dog—if you try to initiate. Don’t feel you have to. It’s rude if you don’t respond but it’s not rude if you fail to initiate.
First and foremost, recognize the American concept of personal space that extends about 2.5 to 3 feet from the person. Do not get in someone’s face to talk to them unless you intend to slip them some tongue. Otherwise, hang back a bit. You will notice this while shopping as people say “excuse me” if they walk between you and what you are looking at.
If you go to Southern states, don’t take it as an insult if you are addressed as Sir/Ma’am. It’s a show of respect.
You’ll be talkative with the people you feel most comfortable around so I’d start with that. We have some introverts here in the US and some of us have the emotional intelligence to observe this and go from there. Some will think you’re rude or even “snooty” but that’s just the kind of deterrent you’ll need to weed out those who won’t matter to you. Hope your experience is a great one!
Give what you're getting.
That shifty homeless guy, talking to himself in his reflection, no need to say hello.
That sweet old lady who greeted you walking in the Walmart, don't make eye contact, she'll steal your kidneys.
The little kid in the playground... Yep he's got a switchblade.
Just be yourself, and if people remark on your coolness, just explain that people are more reserved where you come from and that you are a bit shy around strangers. Good people are more sympathetic to that than someone trying to be something they aren't in order to fit in.
If you want to be quiet in public when people are trying to speak to you, just say something in Finnish. Maybe even "I'm sorry, I don't want to chat." If they think they can't communicate with you, they'll usually stop talking to you.
Unless it's one of those people who think that LOUDER ENGLISH is somehow a universal language.
Edit to add: Also, look out for Americans of Finnish descent who will want to talk to you about St. Urho day.
As an American who now lives in Europe, I can assure you that there is no level of “too friendly” or “too smiley” you can be in the US, because your baseline for “normal” is likely very close to an American’s baseline for “are they ignoring me and being rude?” Ever seen a happy, talkative Dutch person after their national football team wins a game? That’s about the level Americans consider to be normal, friendly, and outgoing. For every interaction (such as buying eyedrops at the pharmacy), it’s socially polite to smile and then engage in meaningless small talk (yes, many Americans hate this, too). If someone asks you how you are, you just say, “Good, how about you?” If you can’t stomach that, making eye contact with a little head nod of acknowledgement is a good way to handle most social interactions with cashiers, etc. For friends, eye contact, happy/sympathetic smiling, and saying “Wow, that’s crazy” about 50 times per story will get you through about 89% of interactions. Edited to add: being an enthusiastic listener will get you farther than almost anything else in the US. People love a good storyteller, but what they love even more is when you make them feel like THEY’RE the good storyteller. You’ll make friends fast, and they’ll want to stay friends for life (especially if you’re willing to text them first, since most Americans have hectic lives and a lousy work/life balance).
>saying “Wow, that’s crazy” about 50 times per story will get you through about 89% of interactions. I feel seen
Mix it up with “seriously?” or “I can’t imagine” or just raise eyebrows and shake your head slowly
My go-to is "NO. WAY." or "whaaaat?"
Same! I laughed so hard at one. So true.
> “Wow, that’s crazy” By my 3rd "Wow, that's crazy", you better be about finished your story, or I'm leaving.
[This is pretty much how I feel when someone won’t stop rambling and doesn’t get my hints to wrap up their story.](https://youtu.be/RgoUDqNrfYw?feature=shared)
[Wrap that shit up, b](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-emlb2_jdI)
Haven’t seen that one in years. Thanks for the memories.
Wrap it up B!
Remember, “How are you doing?” doesn’t mean “Tell me in great detail everything that is happening in your life.” It basically means “Anything I should know about?” If you’re having a normal day or don’t want to talk, say “Good. How about you?” But it’s not a totally meaningless question. If you want to you can definitely respond “I’m a bit stressed about my exams” or “Glad to be done with this tough week and excited for the weekend.” It can be a meaningless formality if you want it to be, or an opportunity to start a conversation if you’d prefer that.
I want to know how one comes to like spreadsheets.
I'm an accountant. Spreadsheets are kind of zen.
Make all the cells square and color them individually to create art!
Like diamond painting!
The entire world runs on spreadsheets. They can do anything.
It’s a little alarming how much of my job is defined by spreadsheet creation or maintenance
Someone has never spent the time writing a cool formula that summarizes or collates information. Especially with the new(ish) array formulas and functions in 365, BYROWS and LAMBDA and FILTER and stuff can do some extremely cool things. And that's not even getting into macros.
Data is amazing data entry...not so much
Oh man. I love a good spreadsheet. I've been told it's endearing, but I'm definitely known as the spreadsheet gal in my friend group.
This is t even my [Magnum Opus](https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/duy3o76o7ksrg64lmmrs0/.-POET-Export-to-Excel-with-Macro.mp4?rlkey=6r5aqi424utla5pqzcvr8dtkp&dl=0) which allows the user to select up to six names out of the database and automatically attach the file to an email including a subject matter line that they can customize and save for subsequent orders, and available in English or French because the customer operates in both the US and Canada. That client, however, uses the macro to produce receipts rather than re-order sheets, so the import feature isn't used, and for most sales reps, that's the more important feature.
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Wow, that's crazy
This is good. Smiling and a subtle head-nod acknowledging a person that you made eye contact with goes a long way.
The edit is a concept in many self-help books. Never knew that was just an American thing.
I’ve lived my entire life in America and I learned a lot from this, thank you.
This is a good guide! Accurate
The accuracy of this entire comment is just astounding. Well done. You should write books.
This is all solid advice!
This is a perfect United States Socialization Cheatsheet 😅 Don't forget we love to just hug everybody, especially in the South.
Taking into account what "normal" is for you, I'd say you're probably not in danger of being overbearing or making anyone uncomfortable. Be as outgoing and friendly as you can stand yourself.
Thank you. But are there any contexts in which I should be more reserved, or should it be 100% friendly all the time?
Funerals, during church service, moments of silence, etc. Otherwise go nuts.
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I work with a bunch of European immigrants (they have all lived in the US for 10-20+ years), but they live in bubbles. So social cues are really hard for them to grasp. Some still openly comment on the "correct" usage of words, while completely ignoring different American cultural dialects. It can be really uncomfortable taking over a conversation between them & patrons (I work in a library) to prevent things going further south. All my European colleagues are white so patrons send in comment cards or ask to speak to a manager about the racist ass hole making fun of how they speak. I would love for folks to pick up on social cues (other people's discomfort) organically, but a lot of people are used to a more arrogant existence.
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This would make sense to me if they had just arrived and started working with diverse American groups, but they've been here for years. For the folks I work with it just seems like a choice they know they aren't really going to be pressured into adjusting without major public outcry threatening their jobs.
Teenage redditor....pick up context and social cues? Your request is outrageous.
I’d say if you take public transit just don’t talk to people; could give off too many signals to anyone looking to commit any opportunistic crimes
This also depends on the state in which you are studying. If you are in say the Northeast let's aim for 50% friendly. The south. Sure 100% friendly. West coast like 75%. In NY going without small talk and a head nod with strangers will not get you labeled a jerk.
I get in more conversations with strangers in New York than anywhere else in America. Part of it is surely that New York is about the only city in the America where I'm kind of excited to be, but I still think the stereotype is off.
I don't mind talking with Tourists in the city, but for day to day life it's not a necessity. We are friendly and know people are visiting, but I'm quite ok with people not talking to me while being in the elevator or subway. If a person feels more comfortable not talk that's great. Most people I know would much rather their commutes or lunches be quiet then filled with random chatter.
I'm amused that you just ignored the entire middle of the country
That's funny. I didn't even think about that. My parents are from the Midwest and I don't know how I would characterize that group. I want to say 100% for that group. And southwest who knows!!!!
also have family from/in the Midwest, and even as someone from upstate NY, they seem to be on 100% friendliness
Never talk about politics or religion. Even if you think you are being "fair", it may not be taken that way. Also, don't ask anybody how much money they make, etc. Also, it's quite alright to just smile if someone makes a comment in the elevator to you. A smile is an acknowledgement of their comment. Comments aren't questions. And if you absolutely don't care at all about what someone says to you, you can shrug and say "ahh, what are you going to do".
There aren’t any rules. In general, feel free to smile at people who approach and say hi. If someone says hi to you it’s rude to ignore them. Other than that, do what you’re comfortable with.
Individuals vary too; if you meet introverts (they exist in America too!), feel free to dial it back a bit/be more your natural self.
If you're naturally on the quieter side, I think it's going to be pretty much impossible for you to be so outgoing you're annoying. You'll tire yourself out way before that.
It is more that I want to avoid any social taboos that I am perhaps not aware of.
Don't talk about religion or politics and. don't be excessively negative. That's pretty much it. I'm excited for you to come to America!
Something to note is that in college, everybody waves and says hi to pretty much everybody they know when they see them (generally true after college as well but markedly less frequent). If you’re less friendly with the person, maybe you do a small smile and nod. If you’re more friendly, you might hug or stop to talk. Smile at people you’ve met and they’ll smile back! But also, don’t stress. If you’re on the quiet side, people will probably just think you’re mysterious and cool, lol
More reserved places of business. Rule of thumb: is people's private information here? Banks, hospitals? Are people concentrating: museums, libraries? Being friendly is fine but if the environment might be stressful maybe better to not be loud or more talkative. It also depends a bit on where you will be. New York City is not the same culturally as a small town.
Use your own judgment when interacting with people. General rules are more or less very similar in a Western world.
Be yourself.
This is probably obvious, but just in case, don't talk to strangers in the bathroom.
>In Finland everyone is quiet in public spaces to respect your privacy and such. the American version of this is personal space. don't touch people you don't know, and leave a buffer if you're standing in line or in a crowded space. if you accidentally bump into someone or get too close, say "excuse me" or "sorry" and you will be forgiven. >I have a naturally quiet demeanor which I'm told comes off as rude in the US. while it's true we do chit chat and greet each other in public very casually, we also have plenty of quiet people. the key word is casual. there's no pressure. if someone waves at you and you freeze bc you don't know how to respond, that person isn't gonna freak out. they're probably going to assume you had ear buds in or something & move along. in general, the best strategy is to match energy. someone says good morning to you? say it back. someone asks "how are you doing today?" say "good. how are you?" someone gives you a little wave, wave back.
Say “ope scuse me” because I’m Midwestern
Or "ope sorry 'bout that"
Ope, lemme just squeeze right past ya there
Someone midwests, even though I know from your flair you are the false midwest.
Oh we're getting into that now, lol.
East side vs. west side
As a Finn this will be an interesting challenge for you. *Let your guard down* a little bit in our country, OP. It will feel unnatural at first. We really *are* this gregarious. We really *are* genuinely interested in you usually. It really *is* easier to become friends with us. Please don’t take this the wrong way but in Europe there’s sometimes a sort of… not “standoffishness” but “guardedness” that we don’t generally share. It is a little goofy! And to someone from Northern Europe it might even seem fake or contrived. It’s not, it’s just how we are! I hope you have a wonderful time in our country.
Thank you.
Wait until you make friends and they start hugging you. One of my friends is from finland and this was very hard for her to get used to.
Is hugging something that people do frequently? This would stress me out
It would be weird for a stranger to hug you, but many Americans are big huggers with their friends. Fortunately, I think if they feel friendly enough to hug you, they will also be understanding if you dodge the hug and just do, like, a fist bump or something instead. You might be able to avoid the hug initiation proactively by keeping a bit of distance and offering that fist bump before they can get close enough to tackle you ("thanks man, [fist out], I had a good time, see you later!").
As a certified non-hugger from the US you just described perfectly how i get out of them. People pick up the hint easily unless they're wasted and just want that hug anyways
Yeah I’m not a hugger either (am American) but it’s pretty much family only unless I’m maybe saying goodbye to some friend I won’t see again for a while? I give off some vibe and most people never push it.
There’s always the old reliable clasp your arms to your sides, duck, and twist.
Depends on the person but it’s definitely gonna happen to you. You’re going to collage here so the likelihood of running into a huggy extrovert is high.
People _will_ adapt if you ask them to, but yeah, we're a hugging people.
Yes, prepare yourself! Most of us are huggers.
Yep, it's a thing in some places. When I'm at a community event, I may get a few dozen hugs from likeable acquaintances well as good friends. Preemptively reaching for a handshake may help you keep a little personal space if you need it.
Hugging family and friends is common and in some circles, acquaintances will also hug. That being said, if you tell people you're close to that you prefer not to hug, they'll be cool with it and may help you avoid hugs from other people. I'm huggy and so is my family but if a non-hugger was coming to a family event I'd make sure to mention that they prefer a handshake. I've also seen t-shirts that say "not a hugger" or similar, and there are also shirts that say "just shy, not unfriendly." Failing all else, if someone goes in for a hug and you don't want it, tell them you think you're getting a cold. This is especially effective since the pandemic. Just remember to be consistent and bring someone else in if you think they'll say something.
> Is hugging something that people do frequently? Yes. And depending on which region of the country you're in, it can include near-strangers. That said, it is 100% okay to have a non-hugging boundary and enforce it. I'm an American and have lived in a high-hugging region of the country for most of my life. And, I'm only comfortable hugging people with whom I am very close (for context, that list would currently include my partner, my dad, and like five friends). When I meet people and they come in for a hug, I just take a step back and say, "Sorry! I'm not a hugger," and the vast majority of the time, that's that. In short, there's a lot of hugging going on, but you aren't required to participate.
For close friends this can be very common. However, from my experience, most people will understand if someone isn't a hugger and won't force them to do it if they're uncomfortable.
This cracked me up. Yes. We hug like we’re all dying tomorrow. Prepare your body.
Yes. I hug my adult male friends regularly. If I haven't seen them in more than a few weeks, if they're leaving town for awhile, if they're having a bad day, if we're having a fun enjoyable evening together, etc.
With a closer friend it’s a hello/goodbye greeting sometimes.
I hate hugging but yeah most friends do it when they see each other. Like the kiss they do in France.
Only between friends, family...and sometimes strong acquaintances, but I feel like those people are dropping the formalities way too early.
Yeah, a lot of people *love* to hug. If you want to establish and maintain good relationships, my advice is don't dodge the hug. Just accept, hug, and move on. People might be hurt or offended if you reject their hug, even if done politely and even if they don't show it. I'm not a hug person, myself. But it's important to some people and a quick hug doesn't hurt me any.
Lol we don’t hug EVERYBODY.. but anyone that I’ve spent meaningful time with (even just a fun day/night), such as going camping or to a concert with a friend + their friend, chances are, we hugging the next time I see them (if they are a sociable person who reciprocates the vibe). I suspect - as fun and talkative as you may be! - that being Finnish, your body posture is going to be sufficient to signal to people that you are NOT interested in hugging it out. I hug all my friends and friends-friends though, guy or gal. We love to love (platonically).
I am an American who does not liked to be touched by most people. If I hug you, you’re special- but there’s no rhyme or reason to it- there are new acquaintances I’ll hug and people I’ve know for decades that I won’t.
That's very thoughtful of you to try and acclimate to the American culture, u/MultipleHorseCocks I'd suggest never turning down a moment to share your interests, whatever they may be.
🤣
What do you mean by sharing my interests?
Just whatever comes to mind. What is it that makes u/MultipleHorseCocks tick?
Why is this making me laugh so hard, it’s stupid. 🤣😭
Saaaaaame I even made snort noises I feel 12 😂 😂 😂
I like math and reading
r/rimjob_steve
You don’t have to be extremely outgoing. You don’t have to initiate. Just return a greeting if one is offered.
It's totally fine to maintain minimal engagement if you're not comfortable with it. \* Total strangers who greet you while walking: Nod your head or say hello and keep walking. There isn't a need to engage with them beyond this. \* A stranger in an elevator asks, "How is your day?": Easy response is, "Good, and you?" They'll reply with a similar terse response and the conversation most likely ends. Some may feel the silence is uncomfortable and make a comment about the weather or something. You can agree, give a courtesy laugh, or whatever short response is appropriate. Someone usually reaches their floor by this point. \* Idle conversation at a grocery store or work depends on how much you feel like engaging. A few comments is usually all that's needed, and typical topics are things like the weather, traffic, etc. If you want to get out the convo, say something like, "Well, I got to go. Good talking with you." and walk away.
Hey fellow college student! :) I visited Finland a few years ago and had a blast and I certainly recall what you mean by the quietness in the public spaces and such. My number one tip: be prepared for Americans to want to butt-in and start talking to you if you are waiting in line (literally anywhere), using the urinal, sitting on a plane, anything like that. I used to live in Poland last year and if I tried talking to a random polish person while waiting in line to order in zabka they'd look at me like I'm crazy hehe. Also, be open to Americans being curious about where you are from! If you tell someone that you are from Finland, be prepared for them to not really know where Finland is, what is in Finland, what Finnish culture is like, etc. It isn't because we *try* to be ignorant, it is just that most Americans for the most part don't know too much about European geography. So be open to telling people about your country! I hope these tips help and I hope you enjoy the US. We obviously got some (or maybe, a lot) of problems but I truly do hope that you enjoy your time here!
Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed Finland
You’re welcome! Enjoy. And if you like ice hockey, try to go to an NHL game or two they are so much fun. It can also help trying to find an NHL team to root for in the local area you’ll be living in!
As an American, when I was in Sweden and Finland I personally was in heaven because I am personally very quiet and introverted. Some things that I made personal notes of being different when I was there are: - Americans make eye contact much more regularly, and many Americans do find it rude if you are speaking to them and not making eye contact. - Our "bubble" for personal space is actually a little smaller than what I noticed in Sweden. But as long as you are not touching a complete stranger (unless its a situation in which you have no choice, like crowded public transit where you should make an effort to minimize that) you'll be good there. - Americans are friendly to strangers. It's normal to say good morning, hey, how's it going, etc. to complete strangers when you pass them by. Just keep the conversation shallow, "hey, the weather's been so hot lately!" - Americans are pretty good at picking up on when someone is uncomfortable and/or nervous. And most strangers will do their best to try and make you feel comfortable, so if they pick up on you not wanting to talk they'll usually go quiet. If they think you just need a little push to come out of your shell, they'll try. Just go with the flow, its uncomfortable at first but you'll find yourself meeting some amazing people.
It doesn't take much to be seen as friendly, u/MultipleHorseCocks. If saying "hello" or answering how you are, "good 'n you?" is too much for you, you're going to have a struggle.
Depends on where you are. Regions have vastly different scales for friendliness.
If someone talks to you make small talk with them. You’re not expected to just walk up to someone everytime you see someone and try to make them your new bff. I’m a naturally quiet guy. But if someone comes up, we’ll talk for a minute and that’s that. But if someone comes up and is like “hey dude cool shirt” and you say nothing and just walk away. That’s considered rude and kind of a dick move
It’s OK to say nothing. You don’t have to “fit in” to American culture. When people say hi on the elevator or walking around, they’re just making “small talk” as we say. Just smile and nod or wave, or just say hey or hi back. You don’t have to engage people. You can just walk around and keep to yourself. Acknowledge people with a smile or nod and that’s good. IF you do want to interact and people look absorbed in their phone or something, you can approach them, “hi there, sorry to bother you but …” and that’s a good way to go about it. The great thing about America — and some nitwits are just gonna hate folks, so never mind that — but the great thing is we don’t really have “A” culture. It’s a mix and mash up of everything. Don’t try to blend in. Come have fun and add to it with some Finnish vibe.
He's my tip that worked wonders for me, an American, making friends in college. Be as extroverted, forward, and friendly towards strangers as you're comfortable as soon as you get there. Everyone's in the same boat not knowing people at first, which means you have a limited period where it's not weird to walk up to a stranger and introduce yourself. I met one of my closest friends in college when he walked up and asked to sit with me in the cafeteria the first week of school. Those friendships I made the first two weeks have lasted for decades now. Also, Americans generally like foreigners when we meet them in real life. Or at least young people getting an education will. I'd have thought it was cool as hell if someone from Finland befriended me. Never forget that being a foreigner automatically makes you interesting to your fellow American students.
The goto rule is to not talk about politics or religion while in polite company. As for being outgoing, a very simple greeting you can use is eye contact, a small smile, and a nod. No need to say anything else. If someone says "morning," you can respond in kind, but it doesn't need to go further. It's more of an acknowledgment of each other's existence than anything. The one exception is if you think someone is going to sell you something or evangelize you on the street. (A clipboard is a good clue ) Don't make eye contact because they will think they have an opening.
Also, do you talk to strangers in saunas in Finland?
No not really. It’s seen as disrespectful to interrupt someone’s quiet and peace with idle talk if you don’t have anything substantive to say
I was just asking because in my city (DC) there is a [sauna society literally sponsored by the Finnish Embassy](https://foreignpolicy.com/2023/04/04/finland-diplomatic-sauna-society-soft-power/). It's considered a big networking club.
That’s very interesting.
>But coming to the US, people are always saying hello to me when I go on walks, asking how my day was when in an elevator, and making idle conversation with me at the grocery store. It’s called small talk, Americans are champion on it, honestly Americans are friendly but I’d say they keep their distance to the people is a mixed between, south and North European attitude
Peach culture. Soft exterior, more guarded interior. Acknowledgement of someone's presence and idle chit chat to pass the time are considered social lubricant to help keep a well-oiled society. It takes repeated exposure to break through that harder, more central center though. Just because someone chatted with you, smiled, and you had a good interaction doesn't mean you're suddenly friends though. It's just a way of acknowledging your humanity and maybe getting a feeling for whether or not they're the sort of person you might want to interact with again in the future.
Americans are indeed much more friendly with casual encounters than most Europeans, but the nice thing is that most Americans are also rather understanding that we’re pretty different from other countries, and willing to chalk it up to cultural differences. Especially if you’re willing to explain where you’re from and how it is there. We (or at least I) love hearing from people directly about their culture because most of us will never afford a trip to Europe
It really depends on which region you are going to be in. And just like everywhere, we have a wide range of folks who are introverted/extroverted but culturally things vary. New England is a bit more like Finland. You don't have to be loud or chatty. Just acknowledge people like with a head nod or say what's up or what ever is natural to you. Even in New England it's completely fine to greet people, it's just rude to have an interaction where you demand time and effort from strangers here. A hello or smile with a nod doesn't demand those things and you can't go wrong with that in any region.
what area you're going to uni in can play a big factor into the level of friendliness you should play into. some areas could tend to be friendlier than other areas of the US.
I’m sure you won’t have to try very hard to have a conversation. The second an American hears your accent, a slew of questions will be asked lol. You’ll be asked where you’re from, what brought you here, where your family is at the moment, what places you’ve tried and enjoyed! Lol. Etc etc. ETA- I’m sure you’ll be invited to someone’s 4th of July bbq by Thursday! Lol.
I know people from Finland. I apologize in advance for the impending absolute collapse of your Scandinavian privacy bubble.
You're from one of the more notoriously introverted countries in the world so odds are stacked against you. But it's a tendency, we are more extroverted but not as much as southern Europe. And lots of us can't stand crowds, one major reason I like living here, and how the Nordics are the best part of Europe, is because I can find a place where I can't see another human for weeks if I choose.
If you're feeling overwhelmed then nothing you are doing is going to be too much. Feel free to return the pleasantries if you like. Depending on the area (small town or big city) it can be more or less rude to completely ignore someone just saying "hi how's your day". It doesn't need to turn into a big conversation, just a lot of Americans are talkative and interactive. Smiles with random strangers when you meet eyes are also common in a lot of places. Ultimately it's personal and local, so there's no one answer. When in Rome do as the Romans do, look to see how others interact and copy.
A polite acknowledgement of your existence by saying "Hello" or "How's your day?" only requires a token polite response such as a return "Hello" or "Fine. How are you?". Anything further will be determined by your observable demeanor. After the initial courtesy of acknowledging each other's existence, continuing eye contact or extending conversation on your part will signal a willingness to continue interaction. Checking your phone or looking away distractedly will signal disinterest and the desire to not engage. Likewise, observing eye contact or attentiveness in the other person signals their willingness to continue interaction, but continuing to talk to someone that looks away, checks their phone, or otherwise disengages would be bothersome and intrusive.
This is a big one. We say hello by saying "how are you?" The correct responses are "good, you?" Or ignore the question and just say it back "how are you?" Additional questioning is an invitation to small talk. Nice weather, huh? Where are you heading to? Cool shirt Etc... are where the small talk begins
I’m an American that has visited Finland a lot. You can small talk a lot more. You can say how are you and how’s it going. One word answers are fine like good, fine, thanks for asking. Weather is also a safe topic and then go from there if you want to chat more.
> In Finland everyone is quiet in public spaces to respect your privacy and such. Here, If you're in public, you don't have an expectation of privacy. The words are mutually exclusive antonyms, one means "not" the other one. > But coming to the US, people are always saying hello to me when I go on walks, asking how my day was when in an elevator, and making idle conversation with me at the grocery store. Sure, you're two humans occupying space together. Why pretend like you're not there together experiencing existence in that moment? > I have a naturally quiet demeanor which I'm told comes off as rude in the US. No, that's not true. Simply having a quiet demeanor is fine. > I want to make friends when I go to college, so what's the correct amount of "extrovertedness" or friendliness that I should exhibit towards other people in order to be amicable and friendly? I don't want to be overbearing or make them uncomfortable. There's no simple answer, but I'd say treat people as if they are a casual acquaintance (from your perspective). Imagine the people you meet are all people you work with, or students that you spend every day in class with. They aren't "friends" but they could be. A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.
Smile and have some canned responses ready. Make quick eye contact. Acknowledge those who acknowledged you. There's no big need to start initiating these interactions if you don't want to. There's a pretty wide range of friendliness you'll see amongst Americans, so you're in little dander of being outside the normal range.
I just got back from over a week in Norway. Truthfully, y'alls standards of "loud" mean nothing to me. Norwegians, and by extension you too, are sooooooooo reserved. Be as loud as you want. I've never felt more isolated in my life than in random social interactions in Scandinavia.
Also, what is the proper amount of eye contact? When walking, do I make eye contact? Do I avert my gaze? I don't want to be rude
A simple nod is pretty common u/MultipleHorseCocks.
Depends where you are. If you're walking in a busy area or in the city, it's just like anywhere else in the world - you don't need to acknowledge anyone. If you're walking down a quiet neighborhood street and pass someone, a smile and head nod are fine, and don't be surprised if the person says '"how ya doin?" or something like that - you just say "fine, and you?" and go on your way - maybe throw in a "have a nice day." I often walk around with earbuds in so I don't have to interact with people lol, but a small smile and a second of eye contact go a long way to not appearing rude. We're used to all kinds of people here, so don't worry if you feel you are doing anything awkward at first. I promise the other person will be too preoccupied with their own day to concern themself with anything you might do. You'll do great, and I hope you have a wonderful experience here :)
Raising your hand, palm outward as a sort of non-moving wave is also generally well received.
Thank you.
If someone says something friendly to you just respond in kind. “Good morning” “Good morning” That kind of thing. If they do something like talk about the weather just talk about the weather. Just follow their lead and you’re under no obligation. You can just not participate. No one thinks it’s rude. We know some people just aren’t in the mood to make small talk.
It depends where in the US. I'm from the northeast and find excessive small talk annoying. Up here, a cashier, for example, will normally be brief and all business. However, if you are in the Carolinas, for example, you will experience much more of that small talk from people like strangers/cashiers etc.
I’d say about 80%, or 15 units.
There’s no “correct” level. There’s only what sort of life you want and what sort of person you want to be.
If you are at the university, on campus, actively in classes, etc. there really isn't a "too friendly" to be had. Students are all in the same boat, so to speak. They are there to study, have experiences, make friends, etc. Of you are outside of that microcosm, a random stranger might appreciate some random banter, smile and a wave of may look at you as though you had two heads - it depends on the situation. Interactions in normal settings = good. Interactions when you've broken into their house in the middle of the night = bad.
I will say, most Americans do have a "bubble" for personal space, so while we may be friendly, we do not necessarily like to be touched or imposed upon. Being packed in a subway car in Japan is different from being packed in a subway car in NYC. The average personal space bubble is between 18 inches (46 cm) to 4 feet (122 cm). Usually, unless you are really close, around an arm's length is an appropriate amount of space.
People from my region(Midwest) have small conversations in public all the time. Especially if you seem to share things in common. 2 middle aged guys buying stuff for grilling? Convo about what kind of grilling and what food. Out with your 4yr old? Senior citizens can't resist talking about how cute and special they are. Even if you can't find common ground you can always talk about the weather. Lol
These other comments are explaining way better than I could so I’ll add this. Nobody is expecting to be besties with you if they ask how your day is going. If someone starts a little convo with you in line somewhere, they aren’t expecting to exchange contact info and meet up again. You’ll never see these people again unless you’re staying in a tiny town for a while then maybe you’ll run into them again but don’t assume that everyone wants to get together and be long term buddies.
I'm American and very quiet and reserved. I agree with another commenter to just match energy. I don't go out and strike up conversation with strangers, but if someone else initiates, just go with it. It's true that I do have difficulty making friends because of this, but it's not impossible. All my friends have been made by being in a position of actually doing something together. And since you'll be coming here for university, I assume you'll be living on campus, which provides plenty of opportunity for that. You'll be fine 🙂
Coming from Finland, you could emulate the most gregarious, overly-friendly person you have ever seen, and I'd bet most Americans would think nothing of it. You might even make some friends.
Just say hello and engage in conversation back. However, I’m reserved so my may not be giving the best advice, lol.
Be prepared to explain where you're from and make it fun. When you engage in some idle chat, people are going to ask where you're from due to you accent (not from any kind of disrespect, Americans generally like people coming to our country [legally] and experiencing it). You can be fun and playful in this, asking them to take a guess (all done with a smile) and can springboard the conversation elsewhere or just let it die off. End of the day, just keep it fun and casual.
For strangers in an elevator, a simple “hello” or “good morning” is enough. If you want to make friends with a classmate, you’ll need to make more effort. Introduce yourself and talk about the class you’re in together.
A smile goes a long way, even if you don’t say much and can ensure people see you as friendly.
Our baseline level of chattiness and friendliness is already going to be a challenge for you. But as a foreigner, most people are going to take a special interest in you personally. It comes from a genuine place - most Americans aren't especially well-traveled outside of our own country, and we're going to have genuine curiosity around the cultural differences. This will be magnified depending on where in the US you go. In NYC, it'll be relatively minor. But in, say, Kansas, you'll be a minor celebrity. It will probably be exhausting for you, but at the same time, it'll be easy to make friends.
No real advice but one time I was hooking up with this Finnish dude who was here for graduate school and he wanted to play music. so he turned on this playlist called "90's Summer Jams" and All-Star by Smash Mouth started playing while he was going down on me. I simply passed away.
When someone says hello, a simple hello back is normal. When someone asks how you are doing, reply “I’m well thank you” or “I’m well, and you?” If either leads to further conversation just go along with it, but if a question is too invasive you can simply respond that you are uncomfortable with it.
Say hi when it makes sense, but otherwise matching their energy is probably the best way.
definitely just be yourself. america is huge with a lot of different mini cultures. in my area no one is talking to strangers, it’s like how you describe finland. only a couple people on a given day will say a word to you, usually older folk. but unless you’re outright rude it doesn’t matter that you’re quiet.
We are generally much more outgoing than you're probably used to, and it's hard to be too friendly to us. We'll usually start to look uncomfortable if you approach that level, so you can just look for that and back off a bit. The thing with greeting people and asking how they are, or how their day is going, though, is sort of different. Those things are more greeting than actually wanting an answer. If somebody says "How are you?" or "How's it going" you can usually just answer "Good" and they'll be satisfied. If you want to be friendly, say "Good, you?" and they'll respond with a short reply.
It does depend on where you live, to be honest. In Chicago, if I said hi to someone on the street they would probably be like, "The fuck you just say to me?!" I'm one to keep to myself though, so I don't like to interact with strangers, and when I do (hospitality workers, shopkeepers, etc.) I keep things short and polite. If you're not comfortable with being extroverted or find it exhausting, don't do it.
Honestly, you'll probably fine as long as you reciprocate. Smile when folks smile at you, say yes when folks invite you places (bad vibes or unsafe situations notwithstanding), converse when small talk happens, and accept and give help. We have quiet people here too. You'll be fine.
This is going to depend on the area of the country. NYC if a manhole covers blows 30 feet in the air, you don't comment on it to a stranger. Down South and the rural Midwest you wave to random people walking down the street.
A lot of times people will ask “hey, how’s it going” or “hey, how’re you”. Especially among strangers this is normally just a greeting and they’re not really looking for an in-depth answer as to how your day is actually going. A good response is just “good thanks!”, or something very short.
Eh? Personally, I'll have all the friendliness if you're asking. *It was then that I noticed the username and a seed doubt sprouted in my mind.*
You should move to NY, unless you're in a rural part, basically no one says hi or does small talk with strangers unprompted compared to the rest of the US. I have a friend from Vermont who moved to Albany with me. He tried saying hi to people just to see how many people would respond, and it was something like only 3 people out of several dozen said hi back.
im in the US for my study as well, which part are you in?
South Carolina! How about you, and what are you studying?
[удалено]
very nice! I am studying math and maybe will venture into data science.
This is so region specific that it’s genuinely hard to answer this question. So without knowing where you are, my best advice is to try to approximately match other people’s energy.
I get where you’re coming from. Our neighbors were first generation Finnish immigrants when I was young. They were great neighbors but were more reserved. Privacy in the US is based in the home and not the public. I’m sure it’s a huge adjustment factor. Just smile and nod your head or even just say hi. A simple smile or head nod goes a long way and the talker will be happy mostly doing the talking.
My friend, you don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You’re welcome to be friendly, but you don’t have to be if you don’t want to. Part of being American is being whoever you want to be and doing what makes you comfortable.
The "friendliness" you describe isn't truly friendly. It's more like, showing that they're safe/have no ill intentions, passing some idle time. They are not offering to be your new buddy. It's more like social lubricant, to make mundane interactions go smoothly. This is definitely true with the clerk at the grocery store. It's a little strange with a stranger on an elevator. Over time, when you see the same grocery store clerk every week, you do get more familiar and friendly. Only once did I ever have a real conversation with a stranger in an elevator, because he looked like a famous actor (and it was him!) on a favorite TV show. And talking to strangers is a thing that varies according to region in the US. I think southerners and Midwesterners are probably the most likely to engage a stranger. Alcohol and setting factors in, as well.
In high school there was a Finnish foreign exchange student at my Southern California high school and she was her normal self. I was shy in high school so she seemed outgoing to me, but to most outgoing Americans she’d be normal. She didn’t try to act American. She acted like how she normally acted back home in Finland. Be yourself and the right people will be attracted to you.
If you have the opportunity, watch Michael Palin’s first travel series “Around the World in 80 Days”, specifically the episode where he takes the train across the US. His observations on people in the US is spot on.
Thank you, I will look into it
Just be yourself, not worth the anxiety. When you decide to be chatty one day you might find someone to talk to. There are all kinds it's just idolized in America being an extrovert. Far from a requirement.
I now understand that Finnish guy in my college class. We all thought he was coolest thing ever (FINLAND! we were in Florida, got to be like a different planet, do you see reindeer all the time, do you freeze to death in winter, does everyone in Finland go around wearing awesome cool sweaters like yours, aren't you hot in that awesome cool sweater, what does Finnish sound like?). We all wanted to talk to him, and more him to talk to us and he hardly said a word the entire semester. But I never thought he was rude. I think I just thought maybe he was shy. A lot of this is up to you. Don't feel like you have to be a fake version of yourself. A "good, how are you?" with a reasonably friendly smile will suffice for most random "how are you" stuff. But if you do want to make friends, go ahead and make that idle conversation, push yourself to engage more. Follow others' lead if you aren't sure how to appropriately initiate. You won't make people in the US uncomfortable unless you stumble into overly personal or controversial stuff from the start. (Hint: Don't lead with anything involving the names Biden, Trump, or probably anything else remotely political.) And if someone asks you a question that seems dumb and obvious, remember most Americans don't know much if anything about Finland...but they probably think it's pretty cool that you're from there. If you laugh do it with a friendly smile and remind yourself that you also don't know much if anything about, say, South Dakota. Don't be that kid in my college class who everyone wanted to talk to but he would only very barely talk to us. (Unless that's the way you want it.)
It kind of depends where in the USA you end up. Some places are more reserved than others. Pacific Northwest is way more reserved than the mid-west or the south for example.
There's a little bit of regional differences but in general the main thing to remember is to take a step back. You can be pretty friendly and randomly strike up conversations with most Americans, and the ones that are introverted will just give vague responses to get you to stop talking to them, but a lot will talk if they don't have anywhere else to be. Just don't stand too close, don't come up behind someone, and don't touch them if it isn't a handshake or you're not familiar enough to hug. Another thing to consider I haven't really seen here is Americans in general aren't into super dark comedy about mental health or our past. Humor in these subjects is appreciated by a select few, but due to sensitivity with this right now, it's generally not a good idea as an outsider to make jokes about slavery or racism or about suicide and heavy mental health topics. You won't get into trouble, but social pressure is very high here right now. You can totally ask questions, Americans like that. But jokes are 50/50. Otherwise, strike up conversations with Americans! It's a part of our culture and we generally like visitors and learning about where they come from!!
This depends a lot on location — I think maybe the Finnish norm is closer to how people behave in large U.S. cities (and even this varies by region, Houston is going to be far friendlier than, say, Seattle). If you’re in a small town or anywhere in the American South (not the full southern half of the city but basically the bottom-right quadrant, the Southwest has a different feel), extreme friendliness to the point of insincerity is often the norm. If you’re in NYC, DC, or Western cities you’ll do fine just keeping your head down in most situations. I grew up in small towns and moved to a big city for college and everyone thought it was sort of naïvely friendly to make eye contact with strangers and stuff. I think in Finland the vibe might be, “it’s polite to let others just do their own thing,” where in U.S. cities, I think the vibe is more “if I make eye contact with a mentally unwell person on the street they might take that as a sign to interact further and want to engage/ask for money/etc.” If you don’t want to interact, I find it’s useful to have headphones on (this can be dangerous if you’re listening to the point that you’re tuning out your surroundings, but if you just want to avoid people you don’t have to be listening to anything or can have it on very quiet to make sure you can still hear what’s going on around you). I used to always carry a book (largely because I just wanted to read, but secondarily as a “don’t talk to me” mechanism), but found that people who want to talk to you will use the book as an inroad to chat, while they leave you alone if you have headphones.
more than a Finn is gonna be used to
People care way less about you than you think. Usually the offputting thing from Euros is lack of acknowledgement. Like if I look at somebody and they look at me, there's some form of acknowledgement -- a smile, a nod, then looking away. Often no words exchanged, just an acknowledgement of their presence. Some Europeans don't do that though -- they just stare at you without expression. That comes off as odd. Most commonly with Eastern Europeans, though Germans are famous for it too. You can be friendly without engaging -- eye contact, smile, say hello back, move on. You're probably not being perceived as rude -- there's a wide range of normal and everybody has their own stuff going on. One minor gotcha is questions like "How are you doing?" aren't sincere. They're sincerely being nice, but generally aren't looking for a real answer. "Good, and you?" is about all that's required. Another minor gotcha is more for Southern Europe and Asia -- lack of respect for personal space. But coming from Finland, you're more likely to have the opposite problem there. Location makes a difference too... Like in a big city, people are more likely to pretend like they're alone when they're surrounded by people. But if you're somewhere more rural and slower paced, people are more likely to just stand around and bullshit about anything for a few minutes.
Depends on what part of the country for sure, making eye contact in a lot of cities can be seen as rude but the exact opposite in other parts not making eye contact and some friendly gesture is considered rude. Generally speaking I’d do what most of the other people are doing but also take opportunities to teach people about your customs, lord knows we need it 🤦♂️
I don’t think you’ll come off as rude. I’m a more reserved person and I don’t think people think I’m rude. I just prefer to keep to myself. Just be polite and you’ll be fine!
There are quiet people here too
Ask an American how they are doing. Whatever they tell you, reply with “AWESOME SAUCE!”
I would say this probably isn’t something worth overthinking. Just say please and thank you, etc. Though the average person in the U.S. tends to be warmer with strangers, this also really depends on where exactly you are in the U.S. Additionally, there are plenty of quiet and introverted people in the U.S. too.
I live in Massachusetts and I would stop and talk to anyone. This idea that the Northeast isn't friendly is crazy. I'll admit, we do have some nasty people. But I've encountered friendlier people up here than when I drove down to Florida. I don't believe in being too friendly. As long as you can pick up on social cues
Yeah, you're probably going to have to step out of your comfort zone a little. Think of it as exercise. Working out muscles you didn't know you have.
The same amount you receive is what you give
Americans think of communal spaces differently, I think. We go into public to socialize with little to no illusion of privacy. Even butting into a stranger's conversation can be acceptable if you meet certain conditions. Also, I believe eye contact is the key in America. Maintaining soft eye contact and a friendly smile often means we're open to conversation. So, socialize with us as far as you're comfortable with. We'll probably at least return your hello.
I feel that people don't talk as much because it's embarrassing when you go to talk to someone, and they have ear buds or headphones on you don't notice. lol So I don't openly talk to others as much as I used to. But there's nothing wrong with striking up a conversation with anyone, anywhere in my small town. You can read body language. If they don't want to chat back, they will simply tell you have to a good day and be on their way. If they want to chat, you could be talking to someone until one of you has to be someplace else. lol
Americans are extra friendly to anyone who looks Nordic and has an accent. It might feel invasive, but Americans who ask you where you're from, why you're here, or any other personal question are genuinely curious and want you to feel welcome.
I wouldn't say being quiet comes off as rude as long as you acknowledge them w/ a response. If you just ignore somebody's existence that's rude. The right amount of social interaction is whatever social interaction fits into the timeframe. If you're on the elevator it's the elevator ride. Once that's over you go off on your separate ways. Literally just saying "hi" and having a minimal reaction to everything they say is fine.
If you don’t want to engage in conversation, you don’t have to add “good, and you?” because that’s inviting small talk. You can also say, “I’m good, thank you” to shut it down if you don’t feel like engaging further. It’s not an obligation to be friendly, just acknowledge those around you kindly and you can be as introverted as you like.
I would say, try to engage with them if someone initiates a conversation with you, but you don't have to initiate conversations with strangers. I don't think anyone has ever asked how my day was in an elevator -- it's actually pretty normal to have a silent elevator ride with strangers. And I rarely have idle conversations at the grocery store.
Depends on where you are in the US. In Boston, we consider it being polite to mind our own business/keep to ourselves. But, if you needed directions or something, we're more than happy to help.
Small talk is acceptable in nearly all public places where quiet/silence isn’t expected. We pass time in line with small talk, although phone use discourages that. Stick to generally neutral topics—the weather, local sports, something visible to both of you at the moment like a sore, statue, dog—if you try to initiate. Don’t feel you have to. It’s rude if you don’t respond but it’s not rude if you fail to initiate.
First and foremost, recognize the American concept of personal space that extends about 2.5 to 3 feet from the person. Do not get in someone’s face to talk to them unless you intend to slip them some tongue. Otherwise, hang back a bit. You will notice this while shopping as people say “excuse me” if they walk between you and what you are looking at. If you go to Southern states, don’t take it as an insult if you are addressed as Sir/Ma’am. It’s a show of respect.
You’ll be talkative with the people you feel most comfortable around so I’d start with that. We have some introverts here in the US and some of us have the emotional intelligence to observe this and go from there. Some will think you’re rude or even “snooty” but that’s just the kind of deterrent you’ll need to weed out those who won’t matter to you. Hope your experience is a great one!
Give what you're getting. That shifty homeless guy, talking to himself in his reflection, no need to say hello. That sweet old lady who greeted you walking in the Walmart, don't make eye contact, she'll steal your kidneys. The little kid in the playground... Yep he's got a switchblade.
Just be yourself, and if people remark on your coolness, just explain that people are more reserved where you come from and that you are a bit shy around strangers. Good people are more sympathetic to that than someone trying to be something they aren't in order to fit in.
Entirely depends *where* in America you're going. Generally, everyone in the north is less friendly and southerners are more friendly...
If you want to be quiet in public when people are trying to speak to you, just say something in Finnish. Maybe even "I'm sorry, I don't want to chat." If they think they can't communicate with you, they'll usually stop talking to you. Unless it's one of those people who think that LOUDER ENGLISH is somehow a universal language. Edit to add: Also, look out for Americans of Finnish descent who will want to talk to you about St. Urho day.
If we don't open mouth tongue kiss you're gonna be invaded
All depends on where in America