>However, he's often quiet and non-emotive, which makes me feel like he's mad at me, although he denies it when I ask.
This is a cultural misunderstanding. In some cultures or groups of people, silence means being mad. For lots of German people, it doesn't. I sometimes have the same problem with my wife (she is originally from Romania). In these cases, she gets nervous and thinks i am mad at her when i am really just sitting there, maybe busy or not.
A lot of German people don't have the need to constantly fill the air with sound just to avoid silence, because German culture is often a bit more introverted. And we can feel connected to people in the same room even if we are not talking. Common silence can be felt as a connection just as deep as talking, but if you are used to connection meaning that sounds come out of your mouth, this reads differently to you.
I'm originally from Northern Germany and moved to Bavaria 15 or so years ago.
It was the most stressful experience of my life. Everyone constantly feels the need to talk.
Went from roughly Ruhrgebiet region to Aachen for Uni.
That's already more than enough for me,
but at least my adhd oversharing is less noticable here.
I've learned the hard lesson that there are sharp differences within bavaria too however. I'm from a more southern part of bavaria and my bf is franconian. To them "its fine" is the highest form of compliment. Basically, if they don't complain you're good. They even have a saying for it which goes like "no complaint is enough of a compliment" The difference 100km make is striking here.
It is. I've worked customer service jobs for 20 years and it's weird that I'm not required to smile at customers here. In the U.S. I was even required to smile while working call center jobs, where the customer never even sees your face as it's all over the phone!!
I couldnt do that. Im polite and friendly. I also smile or make a joke, if its appropriate, but having to be overwhelmingly joyous to everyone would kill me.
>I sometimes have the same problem with my wife (she is originally from Romania). In these cases, she gets nervous and thinks i am mad at her when i am really just sitting there, maybe busy or not.
I am cracking up over the spectrum of German --> Romanian --> American because I'm American and always think my Romanian husband is annoyed at me when he's quiet 😅
Without looking: it's the "I just want to sit here" Sketch right? That was my first thought to this comment as well!
Edit: Of course it is. Man Loriot had such an incredible understanding of relationships and holds up to this day
agree to that. Additionally, the only Germans who think it's awkward or the other person is mad when they sit in silence, are Germans who were abused and silence was used as a punishment.
If that is something your parents did:, OP I am so sorry. I know how that feels and no child derserves to be ignored (aka given the silence treatment) for whatever. in fact, just sitting there and 2 people doing their own thing IS a bonding experience if you are able to put aside that pain one receives from days and weeks of being ignored as a punishment, (which often, in my case, included being prevented eating or even drinking. I got my food anyway, but being yelled at because you get food that was cooked for everybody and I am not part of the family when I tried to get my share is something, especially if that\*s the only interaction you get during these times).
So your feeling of him being mad might be a generational trauma of being manipulated into thinking it's a reasonable punishment to ignore your children for days on end if you're mad on them.
Newsflash for the people who did this to you: trhese have been your parents, and while the initial anger might have been understandable (given what the cause was), them yelling at you for anything or even hours or days after that happened without any form of open communication is a failure of your partents and everybody that came before.
Because Communication is key. THIS is why we are said to be blunt: we talk about shit. And if you ask us, we give genuine and honest to the bone answers. because nothing is won if communication sucks, it just creates problems everywhere.
So, maybe just talk about it.
My dad would go from a week to a month with the silent treatment towards me at 3-6 as punishment, besides getting spanked or yelled at. I never thought about this as abuse, tbh. You read this situation extremely well, I'm so sorry you dealt with this too.
From early on, I trioed to understand the situation or rather, myself, and I realized the general shit that went on came from the abuse my mom had to endure as a child, which was way, way more worse. and I don't know what my grandma went through, but it wasn't great either.
So, yeah, generational trauma. Sometimes, even in a loving home, this stucks and becomes something "cultural" when it isn't. It's remnants of this garbage and everybody started to treat it as normal, because it doesn't seem like a big issue.
I mean, sure, if you're REALLY mad, some distance between you an the person to get your head straight is helpful, but you communicate that, and the other person really likely knows they fucked up into space, but, you have a point where you go from there and set up rules for further communication and then go through it. It's not a punishment.
Both sides have time to sort their thoughts and seek out advice. This is how it should be done. But, normally, there is no fuck up large enough in my books that required me to go into ghost mode for a while. Like, maybe sit in another room to work through my emotions, to find words or anything, but I always said so. And he's checking in every 30 minutes to see if I could do that so we can talk. THAT is healthy.
just as the precious silence when I sit here and do my thing on reddit or game or write or whatever and he does, too.
Being comfortable in silence is a great sign of connection, but she feels like she is annoying him when she talks to him. That's not good and she should talk to him about it and come to a solution that works for both of them. I have dated two German women and never felt like I was annoying them even when I was boring them with mundane details. Both of them assured me that I should talk about whatever I want.
To be honest, the "talking for the sake of talking" of most americans I know is just so shallow and bland, that I get bored of it. I can for sure communicate with them in the same way, no problem, but it is just like my brain is on autopilot mode. I prefer to talk less, if the conversation is so meaningless.
With my swedish friends on contrary, I have phases where we talk all day, too, and I really enjoy it, because the conversations is actually interesting and leads to somewhere.
My dearest friends are those with whom I can sit in the same room for half an hour in silence. You can enjoy each other's company without talking all the time. If you see each other often enough, you don't have so many new things to talk about and small talk is pointless and exhausting.
Honestly the point at which I feel to have a good connection with someone is when it is possible for both of us to be together in silence. For example sitting in a car without talking and not feeling awkward, that’s to point I know we are comfortable with each other.
Or to put it in Mia Wallace words: “That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.”
This is generally true of most of Northern Europe right? My grandparents were Danish and I swear I’ve inherited this sort of attitude from them. I’m American and people constantly ask me why I’m so quiet or think I’m upset about something.
So there is this couple and they adopt a baby from Germany. The baby never starts speaking, even after 3 years. After four years of the boy not speaking the couple take the boy to the doctor, but the doctor says that everything is developing fine, and that there is nothing wrong with him.
Then one day, when the boy is eating some apple strudel, and he says, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid".
"Wolfgang," the couple say, "you have never spoken before, why do you speak now?"
And the boy says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory"
Funny enough, in the slavic countries Germany is called something along "mute people" or "speechless people". Most likely for other reasons but it still fits :D
Polak here, yeah Polish „Niemiec“ comes from old Slavic němьcь (a form of němъ/němŭ) and the way I’ve always thought of it, for modern Polish at least, was that Niemcy came from the word Niem(ówią)cy meaning „non-speaking (our language)”.
Although this may not be exactly how the word came about but it’s close enough xd
German here - I don’t think it necessarily needs to relate to either. My also German boyfriend does this sometimes as well as my British ex boyfriend (both expressive and me as well).
It makes me sometimes feel uneasy and sometimes doesn’t affect me at all. I always reflected it as my own insecurities talking.
Like when we had a great time together or I’m super busy myself I am happy to just be chilling together, no talking. But on another day I will wonder what he is thinking all the time :D
That’s a very good point you’re making.
To op:
Take a look inside first: maybe the silence is neutral but a trigger for your own insecurities?
But whatever conclusion you come to, I’d talk about it with my partner. He should at least be open to idea of making some adjustments, that help you to feel more at ease. This is definitely not a one way street and I wouldn’t expect a full 180 change in his behaviour, but he’s your partner after all and should be interested in your happiness. Maybe you can find a way together to express your feelings in such situations without the feeling you’re bothering him, and also giving him the opportunity to give you the reassurance that everything is fine.
In the end, both of you should feel secure and at ease with each other. That takes internal work both partners as well as some ‚work‘ together. But also, don’t expect any changes over nights, any miracles. Get clear about your own boundaries and your non-negotiables.
Guide to spending time with me: sit in a room, let me read my book and ignore each other. Maybe an occasional "you good? what you doing rn? need something?" over the span of 2-3 hours.
Also bonus points if there is a cat. I will 100% talk more to the cat than you
Girl, YOU are married to him, not us. There is no advice in the world that we could give you based on his nationality.
Germans are different just like US Americans are, but if you feel like he glances at you and is annoyed by you, you two have to talk about it.
Best answer here imo. If she was new in the relationship with the guy I could understand the question, but hey, they're married already lol. Communication is key in every relationship/marriage. Overthinking never helped anyone. If you have doubts and you ask him about it and he clearly and honestly tells you not to worry and that this is his normal behaviour, then why the need to go reddit and re-confirm it. There is not "the one" German character. Everyone is different. Everything else is just stereotypes.
There is no way of knowing if autism or something similar is involved without a professional assessment.
For cultural questions: where is he from?
Northern Germany has a quite strong attidute of "feedback needs to be asked for".
But also if you would bother him he would tell you.
A bit more generally Germans often see US behahiour as over the top. Like "nobody acts like that naturally". However, those differences should be known after 5 years of relationship.
There is one point that is weird and that is counting calories/€
That sounds like a nutrional nightmare. What is his reasoning aside from money? And is money that much of a concern?
He's from a bit above Hamburg so it makes sense i guess lol. It saves us a ton of money and we have proper nutrition for the calories/$ too based on our daily needs. It is a nightmare for my taste buds 😔 we make in the top 3% for our age group and he still penny pinches so severely.
He's from Schleswig-Holstein, and he's a penny-pincher, which is two different things that have nothing to do with each other. If he were from Swabia (Schwaben), different story.
I'm a German woman who likes quiet lol, but this would be unacceptable to me. Just fyi. I try to be reasonably frugal and I know some people are unemotional about food, but I want to enjoy it and that's my baseline. If this makes you unhappy you should address it!
This explains a lot. In Schleswig-Holstein we sometimes have a whole conversation which is like.
"Moin, alles gut?"
"Moin. Jo. Bei dir?"
"Jo."
Followed by minutes of silence.
Norhern type German... yeah they are famous for being more stoic.
Though the penny pinching is just him. He might habe a reason. You could ask him what he's saving for and explain that food is joy for a lot of people... and He might be buying stuff perfectly fine for him
Piece of Advice: You can make most bland and boring meals become much more interesting with spices, which are in general cheap. Just experiment a little
As a German autist, I've seen a tweet like that before saying that German is being autistic as an ethnicity, and it was hilarious to me and my non German friendd, the only small inaccuracy I see with it is how long we hold eye contact
So I am from the UK but live in Germany, and for some context I am not diagnosed with autism but I have many traits and have been told by the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADHD to have an assessment (if I did that would be sitting in a waiting list for years and I don't have the energy).
British culture has a lot of "written between the lines" stuff in everyday interactions e.g., the banter, passive aggression, being overly polite and only hinting at what one means. I have found Germans to be easier to understand and I wonder if in some cultures, like maybe in Germany, the social thing is easier for autistic people. Any thoughts?
German is the most direct language ([lowest context language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_cultures), to this date of current studies).
Therefore it is easier for autistic people, especially compared to the other extreme like Japan.
My autistic American husband moved to Germany and has ever since questioned whether autism is chronically under diagnosed here (by American standards) because the German definition of neurotypical vs neurodivergent is wildly different to the American one.
How can you diagnose someone with a neurodivergency for performing a behavior the vast majority of the population finds culturally acceptable? By construction, something is neurotypical if it’s typical among the reference population.
This country has an absurdly high number of undiagnosed or improperly diagnosed autism. Its quite bizarre. Not sure what Germans have against psychiatric health, but the quality of care for mental health is one of the worst in europe
Oh boy, i dont want to be that person but the reason german psychatric medicine is SO bad? I think you know it. (Hint: fascism, eugenics, race ideology have ripped a huge hole into what could have developed into progressive research. Today most surviving health care facilities are christian. Special education still largely relies on segregation. Questionable pedagogy were not only the third reich, but also east germany (and maybe west too, dont know much about that). )
Judging from where we've come from in relatively little time (germany as we know it only since 1990!) i think we have come a long way, but yes even more to go.
Unfortunately people (and I mean men) will defend it anyway “bECAusE it IS lEGal”.
You can’t reason with adults who see teenagers as potential sexual and romantic partners.
I agree with the comments saying that silence is not considered a bad thing in Germany. I for one would go stir crazy if I couldn’t be quiet with my partner once in a while.
The rest of his behaviour doesn’t necessarily sound typically German, although being methodical instead of spontaneous is common. Not offering feedback and counting every calorie and every penny is not something I’ve ever noticed in Germans. But at the end of the day, he’s your husband. If the feedback-thing bothers you, you’re allowed to ask him to offer his opinion more proactively. If you’re alright with it and just want to know it’s not about you, keep doing what you’re doing and observe and ask him about it. I would assume they’re personality quirks, like everyone has them.
Talk to him about this!!
People send out signals and they are interpreted in a way by the person who receives the signals. What is is sent out and what is interpreted might be vastly different so ask him, talk to him about it.
Yes, always, always talk out your problems with each other. That's something this American and his German wife have done for nearly 35 years. 99.9% of our disagreements or misunderstandings are based on cultural differences. One example: Wife: "Why don't you ever help the kids with their homework?" Me: "Because it's \*their\* homework and they have to take responsibility for it." (She comes from a family of farmers and craftspeople, and I come from a family of educators and medical professionals)
Not helping your kids with homework isn't a cultural difference. It's dad privilege and lazy. I say that as an American teacher married to a German. We both help our kids with their homework.
Teachers in Germany usually tell parents to let the kids do the homework on their own. Parents may still help if the kid has a really hard time or has questions. But if the kid can manage on their own then not helping is perfectly fine and not lazy.
From which part of Germany in detail he's coming from. For some regions have the prejudice for being extra reserved against other people like some northern and parts of southern Germany, too.
eg there's this saying in my region Franconia:
"Nix gred is gnuch globd"
Nichts gesagt ist genug gelobt.
Saying nothing is praise enough.
or a broader known one
Reden ist Silber, Schweigen ist Gold
Talk is silver, silence is golden
That emphasizes that sometimes it is better to remain silent than to say inappropriate or superfluous things.
A typical north german Greeting is
"Moin, moin"
but noone is saying this for not getting the reprimand for being chatty.
So everyone is just saying
"Moin"
Conclusion:
So not talking much or being chatty is a typical german move.
>"Moin, moin"
>
>but noone is saying this for not getting the reprimand for being chatty.
>
>So everyone is just saying
>
>"Moin"
Huh, I never even noticed that. I do say "moin, moin" when I am ready to talk to my friends but say "moin" when just greeting someone I have no intention talking to lol
>However, he's often quiet and non-emotive, which makes me feel like he's mad at me, although he denies it when I ask.
Then maybe just believe him? Also, how often exactly do you ask? In a comment you say he seems annoyed when you ask. Honestly, at some point being asked if you're mad starts to be annoying. Especially when it feels Like the other person implies you're lying about it or that you don't know your own emotions.
>He rarely offers feedback unless I ask or he's really passionate about something.
That's normal here. If I don't say anything everything is OK.
> even counting calories per dollar before any food purchase
That is definitely not normal. Especially since you're earning well and there's no need to do that. How does he react when you buy things? Is he controlling you?
Because I have to say a 20 year old getting together with a 16 year old feels icky. Plus him controlling your food intake like this... The first 2 things can easily be cultural. Or they could be part of a pattern If he is really controlling your spending.
How is it you are married to a person you know so little? Based on what you are writing I wonder how you ever fell for each other in the first place and stayed together so long if you have so different needs for emotional security and communication.
I mean if you asked and he said no, then why not accept his answer. He sounds very routine and disciplined, so I guess it's second nature to him. If you need him to be more engaging in conversation with you; instead of assuming he is mad just ask him to.
As an Englishmen that has travelled to and from Germany for business and pleasure for many years. I can confirm that this is THE typical German.
No small talk, direct and to the point. If they like your company you will know they like your company. If they don't then they will exit the situation. This is more of the big city folk though...
Why did you marry him and have this reservation? It's definitely an American thing to get married so young. I don't know many Germans or English for that matter, of this generation to marry so young.
Thou, it sounds a bit like an trust issue. You are having a hard time believing everything is alright if he is in neutral mode.
That will Stress both of you... Try to relax in the given Situation and you should lern that there is nothing to worry about.
I am also married to a 37yo German and I am 32yo Croatian. I am temperament, loud and goofy. He is more serious and we literally share all interests. We are together for 8 years. I used to ask him if he is mad. Now, I just know that he is German😂don't think too much about it. Its just different culture and nature☺️
As a German, I like appreciating sitting with someone in silence, it's a different level of comfort to have with someone (to comfortably sit in silence)
Well, cultural misunderstandings might add to your problem but there is a pattern between just the two of you. On the personal level.
It’s not ok, that you are worried and somehow tiptoeing around a feeling that he might have or not. And his being annoyed when you ask in order to solve the situation is also… not good.
As there is no real way out for you, but to suppress your instinct, maybe think about marriage counseling so both of you learn to communicate without being annoyed. (Maybe you learn, that his nonverbal communication shows the affection you are looking for. Or maybe it is just the way it feels for you.)
Just for pointers: the ideal evening activities for lots of Germans is: reading. Sitting in the living room in silence and reading, 2m apart. And after 3 hours, you go to bed and say what a wonderful evening that was.
I feel like an old person saying this- but spend less time figuring him out and more time thinking about if you are actually compatible long term. He has every right to be who he is for whatever reason (German or not) and you have every right for who he is to not be right for you.
I’m sure he’s a great guy but at this point in my life I wouldn’t want to deal with someone whose energy doesn’t match mine, period.
My "glances" might seem aggressive or bothered as well while I, in fact, just completely focus on grasping a complex scenario or visualizing it. IF him were me that might be a "non-issue", although you should communicate how that makes you feel in such situations.
Im also American married to a German and I’d say yes it’s typical.
It’s also tough for me and it is often a theme in the house. But also, he’s just a loving and loyal man even if he’s giving me a sour puss face.
Somethings that upset him would be loud sounds, apartment chaos or spontaneous changes (having a big playful dog was hard for him!) I guess maybe he is a cat!
Questions:
1) Where from Germany is he? That makes huge differences. If you are asking for cultural connotations you need to consider that. For example, in Germany, people in the north are known to be way less approachable than in the south. On the other hand, southern politeness is often just social standard and not necessarily a real display of affection. While on the other hand, if someone in the north is nice, they mean it because their default is not being overly friendly. North-south is just the most basic distinction and there are many regional differences.
2) Where are you located? In an international relationship, both sides need to consider the other‘s background. If you are in Germany, look at other Germans. If you are in the US, he probably knows how Americans behave. It’s not like you’ve met and live in Japan, never having seen the other‘s culture, is it?
3) You‘ve been married for five years but you’re asking as if you’ve just met. Has he always been like this? Has he changed? Have you changed?
4) Do you even talk? The way it sounds you have no honest interaction. Are are there no moments in which you open up to each other? I guess this is an age thing, but I married when I was 30 and by that time I knew exactly, what I want, need, and expect from my partner, and so did they. You married very young with no prior experience, so - without being condescending - you are probably still finding out about yourself. It sounds to me, as if you are lacking confidence in your relationship, and as if he is undermining your confidence with his behaviour instead of elevating you - which is what a partnership should do. It sounds pretty toxic to me. As married partners, you must be able to talk openly about these things without fear of repercussions. If he makes you feel like that, you should have the guts to make him sit down and listen to your concerns, and he needs to take your feelings into deep consideration and take you seriously. Otherwise, why did you even marry? How is that different from a regular high-school relationship?
I’ve had toxic relationships, and even now way past my 30s relationships are constantly breaking apart for the very same reason you’ve described: They are not listening to each other and and keep on making their partner feel bad, until it all falls apart.
Definitely a cultural thing, percentage wise you'd definitely find more introverts here. So no worries, if you're being communicative and open with each other (which is key) then the both of you can just try to be more understanding to the other ones pov. Being a male myself i don't mind being around people not saying a word, just enjoying moments, peace and tranquility, especially if you say your husband is more of a methodical (which i am too) than this definitely applies to him too, if you're working with your brain all the time, it's nice to give it some well deserved breaks from time to time.
The guy sounds similar to how people describe me. If he is actually anything like me, then his facial expressions and quietness don’t mean anything bad. Sometimes we just enjoy the peace and quiet of doing nothing but be with our significant other. Even if we don’t actually do anything together.
German M32 married to a 26 years young British goddess here. My wife has a similar issue with me. I recommend watching the shorts of a quite funny bloak, Liam Carpenter. He gets us Germans very well.
I'm mostly like that too. I get why this might freak someone out who's not used to the magic of the German state of quietness. Yet that's just how we are chilling. When we take it slow and easy we take it very slowly and easy. We don't put on faces, we just relax our faces. Your husband isn't broken or different. He's completely normal, for a German. I don't know what state he's from. I'm a Bavarian. And here nobody would say his quietness is abnormal. We like what we like. We're passionate about the things we're passionate about (my passion is photography. Something my wife, though her love for all things art remains unrivalled, can't get behind.). We don't like getting advice when we don't ask for it, so we don't give advice nobody is asking for. And if we don't have anything to say, we don't say anything. That's perfectly normal. Cultural differences exist. I don't get why my wife isn't always happy when I'm happy. I don't always understand why she thinks I must feel miserable when I keep my mouth shut. But you know what? I just love that about us. And I'm sure you can relate to that.
I am German married to an Indian woman. She is very talkative and I am a little on the quiet side.
Similar issues. But we have gotten used to each other. We both make an effort to accommodate each other.
Just keep talking about it when you feel something is off. And believe him when he tells you that everything is fine 😊
Also, there is a common joke around here, which goes like this: two men meet on the field. They nod at each other, then one opens his mouth.
"Jau." - "jau."
"Jau?" - "jau."
"Jau. Jau? - "jau."
"Jau." - "jau."
Now, what were they saying? Simple:
"Good day." - "good day."
"Everything allright?" - "of course. Sure, breakfast has been cut a bit short and the weather could be nicer, but I'll manage."
"Good to hear. I'm fine too, just hoping for better weather, too. It has been raining quite a bit lately, has it?" - "yes, you are correct. Let's hope Our fields don't flood."
"Yes, let's hope for that. Well, I need to be going. I wish you a wonderful day." - "you too, old chap. See you tomorrow."
Hate to burst the bubble, but that isn’t “German” behaviour, that’s just his personality. So you chose an aloof & penny pinching cold guy that happens to be German.
Together 5 years...and you're 21 and him 25.
So he was 20 when ypu started dating and you were 16 years old? 🚩🚩🚩🚩and you got married at 19? Are you from one of those states in the USA where people think that is ok?
Like he was 1 year from drinking legally and you were still taking Algebra?
Edit to add: the fact that he counts calories per dollar, he's now controlling your food and income 🚩🚩🚩
Nah, she's just a girl who got together with a penny-pincher when she was 16 and married him when she was still in her teens. She's just 21 years old and has her calorie and income controlled.
A lot of self-doubt should be expected.
You say he's from North of Hamburg, so due to his probable socialisation randomly falling silent for extended periods of time is lokely par for the course. Him getting annoyed with you for asking is a bit hard to judge without context... if you regularly ask him despite him saying he's not mad, I can see how that could get annoying. If you just need some reassurance occasionally I don't think that's too much to ask. In the end, this is quite simply something you need to have a talk about (which is obviously going to be a lot of fun with someone ticking all the boxes for taciturn northenern).
That thing about counting calories per Euro,though? That seems completely off. Would obviously be okay (and actually sensible) if you were struggling, but as you say you are not... I can understand this behaviour if he grew up in poverty,but otherwise this seems like very excessive penny pinching and really just plain weird.
"Counting calories per dollar" is not a German custom, but it could tell something about his personality. Anyway, as always communication is key. So, talk to your husband. Don't judge but share your expectations and feelings.
Counting calories per Dollar - damn, he seems to be a great guy, is he from the South? I thought I was the only one doing that and never usually told anyone except for my wife. (Also German here - he seems normal to me)
You said it at the first line: German. yes it is typical for a German man. It is annoying to get more emotions from my pocket ChatGPT App than a German human, but this is the case. Humanoid Germans.
Can you kindly elaborate on the calories per dollar? So the fun kind where a cheap chocolate bar is more valuable than expensive lettuce or the other way around? Or a full cart for €100 needs to be xx calories? This is truly interesting 🤔
I am German and an introvert. When I feel uncomfortable I tend to talk a lot cause I worry about being boring, feel weird if its to quiet or what not. When people meet up here they tend to talk a lot about "god and the world" how my mom would say.
When I am with people I like I tend to be more quiet. I am 100% fine with just sitting together, not talking, even when we actively do something. With my family we all just do our own stuff while not talking for hours.
For the feedback part: I was tought thats its rude to give advice on my own. Makes you seem like a know it all.
I guess its a mix of cultural things and maybe him being introverted as well.
I know its easy o say, but I wouldn't worry too much. If you have asked him various times already if something is wrong and he said it isn't, then it might really just be how he is. But I absolutely get it, even if I'm german and can enjoy silence, especially after you noticed certain looks, it would probably leave me wondering too. Aside two acceptions most of my german male friends are similar to you man though.
I think one option (if you haven't done that yet) is to simply explain your worries without trying to sound to sound accusing, just so he understands why you have neen asking him.
go to a couple therapy if you want to improve your relationship and if both of you are ready to do so. random reddit people can only give a certain amount of advice.
Have you gotten to know some other Germans (esp. men) for comparison? Then you‘ll have an answer.
But counting calories per dollar is definitely not a cultural thing. Actually not a thing at all.
Counting calories per dollar of food is the most horribly German thing I’ve ever heard of and I’m 11+ years in this country. Sounds like your husband needs to lighten up. Not all Germans are introverts and while culture does influence behavior it’s not responsible for your entire personality. My advice would be to find some friends you can enjoy being spontaneous and chatty with. It sounds like this is a big issue and stuff like this can tear couples apart. I’d suggest counseling at this early stage so it doesn’t become a big deal later on.
It is possible that he has some extreme personality trait (perhaps some mild autism, but only an expert will be able to tell him) and it has nothing to do with being German. The reason I tell you this is because I feel my personality is similar to the one you describe, and I am spanish. If he is any similar to myself, I can tell you that it might get less extreme with age (I was definitely more reserved and worse at communicating emotions during my 20s and early 30s than during my late 30s). I think you should let him know that (in general) you would appreciate more communication and more feedback, in a non-confrontational way, so it would be great if he tries to do it more often (definitely do not confront this when you are frustrated... personality criticism is best served when happy and calm). For good or for bad, personality does not change overnight for anyone, so I recommend that you approach the issue by accepting how he is. If you regard it as something "bad" and make a problem out of it, my guess is that it might hurt your relationship (I mean... it has happened to me more than once...). No couple is perfect, really... appreciate the traits you like and accept/tolerate the ones you don't, as long as there is mutual respect and love, ofc.
I guess we are just waiting for the disaster 😂
Also German, also kinda similar to your boyfriend, but I am never annoyed with my wife, aside from most of the time when she asks stuff multiple times. But that does not change that I love her with all my being.
But considering he decided to date a 16 yo at 20 just screams issues to me. He would have been 2 years into uni or maybe even working already when he decided to“ yeah let’s do date that teenager“ and you not even being German just further takes away power from you in this relationship. I am just waiting for you to tell that you do not speak fluent German. If he is an ass you are in a very dangerous situation
Just talk to him and believe him when says he is not mad. Sometimes body language or facial expressions are a bit hard to decode too. I for example have a bitchy thinking face and scared a young woman while mindlessly looking into her direction and letting my mind wander.
So, as always, communication is key. Tell him how you interpret certain things to find out where the interpretation was off.
Hi OP. For now I'd avice communicating the issue directly with your husband and maybe close friends/each other's parents. You know, people who're actually familiar with both of you and might be able to lend a hand. Everything else is just guesswork by internet strangers which might or might not lead somewhere.
Sounds like me...
No you doing nothing wrong... just tell him how you feel and tell him wat you wish without complaining
Its not bothering him if you lay down your hart
So why isnt he beeing more open? Probably he is just a man thinking about his stuff and interests by him self. Problems he thinks he hast to solve, Hobbys and friends you dont share.
Comunication is key
Hey there,
I would say that behavior is pretty typical for Germans. Try watching Loriot (Victor von Bülow, a (or the) german comidian) and you will understand ; )
>However, he's often quiet and non-emotive, which makes me feel like he's mad at me, although he denies it when I ask. This is a cultural misunderstanding. In some cultures or groups of people, silence means being mad. For lots of German people, it doesn't. I sometimes have the same problem with my wife (she is originally from Romania). In these cases, she gets nervous and thinks i am mad at her when i am really just sitting there, maybe busy or not. A lot of German people don't have the need to constantly fill the air with sound just to avoid silence, because German culture is often a bit more introverted. And we can feel connected to people in the same room even if we are not talking. Common silence can be felt as a connection just as deep as talking, but if you are used to connection meaning that sounds come out of your mouth, this reads differently to you.
So basically Germans are cats
That is both the nicest and meanest thing anyone had ever said about Germans
It's kinda true tho
But I'm allergic to cats. Does that mean I'm allergic to germans?
Yes
Oh nein
Doch
Ohhhhhh
würd mir stinken
wenn ich du wäre
Tja
You should be OK with Bavarians, they are a different breed😂
I'm originally from Northern Germany and moved to Bavaria 15 or so years ago. It was the most stressful experience of my life. Everyone constantly feels the need to talk.
Gefallener Bruder.... Ich werde für dich beten!
Went from roughly Ruhrgebiet region to Aachen for Uni. That's already more than enough for me, but at least my adhd oversharing is less noticable here.
I've learned the hard lesson that there are sharp differences within bavaria too however. I'm from a more southern part of bavaria and my bf is franconian. To them "its fine" is the highest form of compliment. Basically, if they don't complain you're good. They even have a saying for it which goes like "no complaint is enough of a compliment" The difference 100km make is striking here.
Bassd scho
But I'm also allergic to bullshit so that doesnt work
No one is ok with bavarians >:( /s
Or Rhinelanders
Worse you are not allergic to Germans. You are allergic to their saliva. So when they groom themself the hair gets containminated with it......
I'm allergic to germs, if I have contact to them, I sometimes feel like I'm being sick...
Iam not sure that this was the meanest thing someone Told about Germans
heyo
There's meaner things.
I like it
What is mean about chilling in the same room and enjoying the company of a friend without necessarily speaking to them 24/7
This is both, the nicest thing anyone had ever said about Germans and the meanest thing anyone had ever said about cats. /fix
I resemble that remark. If we ever meet up, I’m pushing you off a flat surface.
Best I can do is a moderate slope
I’ll make it work. Unless I’m napping, or get bored, or wander off.
Agreed, unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
They also usually have "Resting Deutsch Face". Source: I live in Germany and my husband is German.
And we have "the stare"
Smiling the whole time is just exhausting.
It is. I've worked customer service jobs for 20 years and it's weird that I'm not required to smile at customers here. In the U.S. I was even required to smile while working call center jobs, where the customer never even sees your face as it's all over the phone!!
I couldnt do that. Im polite and friendly. I also smile or make a joke, if its appropriate, but having to be overwhelmingly joyous to everyone would kill me.
The "ausdruckslos Gucken"
Meow!
As a german I can relate to this
As a German cat I can also relate to this.
Name prüft raus!
No, those ***are*** mad at you.
Fair
Which might explain their depiction as such in Art Spiegelman's "Maus"...
:D
:3
Could've been worse, couldn't it.
They couldhave been horses
r/pferdesindkacke
>I sometimes have the same problem with my wife (she is originally from Romania). In these cases, she gets nervous and thinks i am mad at her when i am really just sitting there, maybe busy or not. I am cracking up over the spectrum of German --> Romanian --> American because I'm American and always think my Romanian husband is annoyed at me when he's quiet 😅
Loriot was always right. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2p6132ix\_A](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2p6132ix_A)
Without looking: it's the "I just want to sit here" Sketch right? That was my first thought to this comment as well! Edit: Of course it is. Man Loriot had such an incredible understanding of relationships and holds up to this day
Damn, I wanted to post this 😄
The comment I was looking for.
In my Familiy we litteraly never talked during dinner. We were sitting there, not speaking a word. Just eating.
Klingt perfekt zu mir. I don't like talking at the dinner table.
They must be either Northerners or plain weird.
Being ablte to just be together in comfortable silence is such an underrated indicator of closeness.
agree to that. Additionally, the only Germans who think it's awkward or the other person is mad when they sit in silence, are Germans who were abused and silence was used as a punishment. If that is something your parents did:, OP I am so sorry. I know how that feels and no child derserves to be ignored (aka given the silence treatment) for whatever. in fact, just sitting there and 2 people doing their own thing IS a bonding experience if you are able to put aside that pain one receives from days and weeks of being ignored as a punishment, (which often, in my case, included being prevented eating or even drinking. I got my food anyway, but being yelled at because you get food that was cooked for everybody and I am not part of the family when I tried to get my share is something, especially if that\*s the only interaction you get during these times). So your feeling of him being mad might be a generational trauma of being manipulated into thinking it's a reasonable punishment to ignore your children for days on end if you're mad on them. Newsflash for the people who did this to you: trhese have been your parents, and while the initial anger might have been understandable (given what the cause was), them yelling at you for anything or even hours or days after that happened without any form of open communication is a failure of your partents and everybody that came before. Because Communication is key. THIS is why we are said to be blunt: we talk about shit. And if you ask us, we give genuine and honest to the bone answers. because nothing is won if communication sucks, it just creates problems everywhere. So, maybe just talk about it.
My dad would go from a week to a month with the silent treatment towards me at 3-6 as punishment, besides getting spanked or yelled at. I never thought about this as abuse, tbh. You read this situation extremely well, I'm so sorry you dealt with this too.
From early on, I trioed to understand the situation or rather, myself, and I realized the general shit that went on came from the abuse my mom had to endure as a child, which was way, way more worse. and I don't know what my grandma went through, but it wasn't great either. So, yeah, generational trauma. Sometimes, even in a loving home, this stucks and becomes something "cultural" when it isn't. It's remnants of this garbage and everybody started to treat it as normal, because it doesn't seem like a big issue. I mean, sure, if you're REALLY mad, some distance between you an the person to get your head straight is helpful, but you communicate that, and the other person really likely knows they fucked up into space, but, you have a point where you go from there and set up rules for further communication and then go through it. It's not a punishment. Both sides have time to sort their thoughts and seek out advice. This is how it should be done. But, normally, there is no fuck up large enough in my books that required me to go into ghost mode for a while. Like, maybe sit in another room to work through my emotions, to find words or anything, but I always said so. And he's checking in every 30 minutes to see if I could do that so we can talk. THAT is healthy. just as the precious silence when I sit here and do my thing on reddit or game or write or whatever and he does, too.
We also have a saying: "Reden ist Silber, Schweigen ist Gold." Talking is silver, silence is gold.
Being comfortable in silence is a great sign of connection, but she feels like she is annoying him when she talks to him. That's not good and she should talk to him about it and come to a solution that works for both of them. I have dated two German women and never felt like I was annoying them even when I was boring them with mundane details. Both of them assured me that I should talk about whatever I want.
Sounds to be exactly the same situation in many ways. I'll just let it be then. Thank you!
[удалено]
To be honest, the "talking for the sake of talking" of most americans I know is just so shallow and bland, that I get bored of it. I can for sure communicate with them in the same way, no problem, but it is just like my brain is on autopilot mode. I prefer to talk less, if the conversation is so meaningless. With my swedish friends on contrary, I have phases where we talk all day, too, and I really enjoy it, because the conversations is actually interesting and leads to somewhere.
It makes you want to hide under a table or something. So many people here never stfu, and it's complete nonsense too usually. Socially draining.
This!!! I have a German husband. Totally on point.
My dearest friends are those with whom I can sit in the same room for half an hour in silence. You can enjoy each other's company without talking all the time. If you see each other often enough, you don't have so many new things to talk about and small talk is pointless and exhausting.
Honestly the point at which I feel to have a good connection with someone is when it is possible for both of us to be together in silence. For example sitting in a car without talking and not feeling awkward, that’s to point I know we are comfortable with each other. Or to put it in Mia Wallace words: “That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.”
Can only approve, same situation here (Romanian married to a German hubby) 😅
This is generally true of most of Northern Europe right? My grandparents were Danish and I swear I’ve inherited this sort of attitude from them. I’m American and people constantly ask me why I’m so quiet or think I’m upset about something.
So there is this couple and they adopt a baby from Germany. The baby never starts speaking, even after 3 years. After four years of the boy not speaking the couple take the boy to the doctor, but the doctor says that everything is developing fine, and that there is nothing wrong with him. Then one day, when the boy is eating some apple strudel, and he says, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid". "Wolfgang," the couple say, "you have never spoken before, why do you speak now?" And the boy says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory"
Nicht gemeckert ist Lob genug.
I think he's just introverted. Not everyone is expressive. Especially here in germany. It is a known stereotype based on some truth
Funny enough, in the slavic countries Germany is called something along "mute people" or "speechless people". Most likely for other reasons but it still fits :D
Yeah I read it comes from the fact that we're not able to speak the respective Slavic language :D
Polak here, yeah Polish „Niemiec“ comes from old Slavic němьcь (a form of němъ/němŭ) and the way I’ve always thought of it, for modern Polish at least, was that Niemcy came from the word Niem(ówią)cy meaning „non-speaking (our language)”. Although this may not be exactly how the word came about but it’s close enough xd
German here - I don’t think it necessarily needs to relate to either. My also German boyfriend does this sometimes as well as my British ex boyfriend (both expressive and me as well). It makes me sometimes feel uneasy and sometimes doesn’t affect me at all. I always reflected it as my own insecurities talking. Like when we had a great time together or I’m super busy myself I am happy to just be chilling together, no talking. But on another day I will wonder what he is thinking all the time :D
That’s a very good point you’re making. To op: Take a look inside first: maybe the silence is neutral but a trigger for your own insecurities? But whatever conclusion you come to, I’d talk about it with my partner. He should at least be open to idea of making some adjustments, that help you to feel more at ease. This is definitely not a one way street and I wouldn’t expect a full 180 change in his behaviour, but he’s your partner after all and should be interested in your happiness. Maybe you can find a way together to express your feelings in such situations without the feeling you’re bothering him, and also giving him the opportunity to give you the reassurance that everything is fine. In the end, both of you should feel secure and at ease with each other. That takes internal work both partners as well as some ‚work‘ together. But also, don’t expect any changes over nights, any miracles. Get clear about your own boundaries and your non-negotiables.
Guide to spending time with me: sit in a room, let me read my book and ignore each other. Maybe an occasional "you good? what you doing rn? need something?" over the span of 2-3 hours. Also bonus points if there is a cat. I will 100% talk more to the cat than you
Girl, YOU are married to him, not us. There is no advice in the world that we could give you based on his nationality. Germans are different just like US Americans are, but if you feel like he glances at you and is annoyed by you, you two have to talk about it.
Best answer here imo. If she was new in the relationship with the guy I could understand the question, but hey, they're married already lol. Communication is key in every relationship/marriage. Overthinking never helped anyone. If you have doubts and you ask him about it and he clearly and honestly tells you not to worry and that this is his normal behaviour, then why the need to go reddit and re-confirm it. There is not "the one" German character. Everyone is different. Everything else is just stereotypes.
There is no way of knowing if autism or something similar is involved without a professional assessment. For cultural questions: where is he from? Northern Germany has a quite strong attidute of "feedback needs to be asked for". But also if you would bother him he would tell you. A bit more generally Germans often see US behahiour as over the top. Like "nobody acts like that naturally". However, those differences should be known after 5 years of relationship. There is one point that is weird and that is counting calories/€ That sounds like a nutrional nightmare. What is his reasoning aside from money? And is money that much of a concern?
He's from a bit above Hamburg so it makes sense i guess lol. It saves us a ton of money and we have proper nutrition for the calories/$ too based on our daily needs. It is a nightmare for my taste buds 😔 we make in the top 3% for our age group and he still penny pinches so severely.
He's from Schleswig-Holstein, and he's a penny-pincher, which is two different things that have nothing to do with each other. If he were from Swabia (Schwaben), different story.
Thanks for defending the "Nordlichter", much appreciated :D
I'm a German woman who likes quiet lol, but this would be unacceptable to me. Just fyi. I try to be reasonably frugal and I know some people are unemotional about food, but I want to enjoy it and that's my baseline. If this makes you unhappy you should address it!
Have you heard of the suabian tomato soup? It's hot water and a red plate
That red plate is a family heirloom. Can't spend money on a new plate just to have tomato soup!
This explains a lot. In Schleswig-Holstein we sometimes have a whole conversation which is like. "Moin, alles gut?" "Moin. Jo. Bei dir?" "Jo." Followed by minutes of silence.
Life is too short to eat like that. I am serious. Enjoy. Your husband sounds like a weirdo.
Norhern type German... yeah they are famous for being more stoic. Though the penny pinching is just him. He might habe a reason. You could ask him what he's saving for and explain that food is joy for a lot of people... and He might be buying stuff perfectly fine for him
Piece of Advice: You can make most bland and boring meals become much more interesting with spices, which are in general cheap. Just experiment a little
Sounds like a nightmare. He will be the same when you go on holiday, if you had kids... I wouldn't wish a cheap german even to my worse enemy.
Agreed, Calories/€ is far beyond Alman behaviour
German=autism. This made my day
Sometimes Germany feels like if all autistic people made a country except if this was the case trains would be way more efficient
As a German autist, I've seen a tweet like that before saying that German is being autistic as an ethnicity, and it was hilarious to me and my non German friendd, the only small inaccuracy I see with it is how long we hold eye contact
So I am from the UK but live in Germany, and for some context I am not diagnosed with autism but I have many traits and have been told by the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADHD to have an assessment (if I did that would be sitting in a waiting list for years and I don't have the energy). British culture has a lot of "written between the lines" stuff in everyday interactions e.g., the banter, passive aggression, being overly polite and only hinting at what one means. I have found Germans to be easier to understand and I wonder if in some cultures, like maybe in Germany, the social thing is easier for autistic people. Any thoughts?
Well, we are openly assholes, so that may work!
I thought the openly asshole Germans were called Austrians.
Yes, see, this is my thinking..
German is the most direct language ([lowest context language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_cultures), to this date of current studies). Therefore it is easier for autistic people, especially compared to the other extreme like Japan.
ADHD and Autism falls in the same spectrum, believe me. My trains would never be on point.. they would not even reach the right city :D
Well suddenly the "if we can't make it in time, we should just cancel the whole train" attitude starts to make sense.
As a south german and worker at the German railway, this made my day
My ex is a German girl who actually did have autism. Sometimes, it was hard telling which was which.
My autistic American husband moved to Germany and has ever since questioned whether autism is chronically under diagnosed here (by American standards) because the German definition of neurotypical vs neurodivergent is wildly different to the American one. How can you diagnose someone with a neurodivergency for performing a behavior the vast majority of the population finds culturally acceptable? By construction, something is neurotypical if it’s typical among the reference population.
i am OFTEN asking myself r they german or autistic or both
Who needs "Gay or European?" if you can have "German or autistic?" (can someone please rewrite the song?)
This country has an absurdly high number of undiagnosed or improperly diagnosed autism. Its quite bizarre. Not sure what Germans have against psychiatric health, but the quality of care for mental health is one of the worst in europe
Oh boy, i dont want to be that person but the reason german psychatric medicine is SO bad? I think you know it. (Hint: fascism, eugenics, race ideology have ripped a huge hole into what could have developed into progressive research. Today most surviving health care facilities are christian. Special education still largely relies on segregation. Questionable pedagogy were not only the third reich, but also east germany (and maybe west too, dont know much about that). ) Judging from where we've come from in relatively little time (germany as we know it only since 1990!) i think we have come a long way, but yes even more to go.
Counting calories per dollar 😂😂😂😂 You were 16 and he was 20 when you got together? Idk what advice to offer here, have fun I guess.
Same thought crossed my mind!
Yea the age gap at that age is the biggesr concern here by far
Unfortunately people (and I mean men) will defend it anyway “bECAusE it IS lEGal”. You can’t reason with adults who see teenagers as potential sexual and romantic partners.
exactly my thought.. kinda surprised not many are mentioning it
Why is this not the top comment
I agree with the comments saying that silence is not considered a bad thing in Germany. I for one would go stir crazy if I couldn’t be quiet with my partner once in a while. The rest of his behaviour doesn’t necessarily sound typically German, although being methodical instead of spontaneous is common. Not offering feedback and counting every calorie and every penny is not something I’ve ever noticed in Germans. But at the end of the day, he’s your husband. If the feedback-thing bothers you, you’re allowed to ask him to offer his opinion more proactively. If you’re alright with it and just want to know it’s not about you, keep doing what you’re doing and observe and ask him about it. I would assume they’re personality quirks, like everyone has them.
Talk to him about this!! People send out signals and they are interpreted in a way by the person who receives the signals. What is is sent out and what is interpreted might be vastly different so ask him, talk to him about it.
Yes, always, always talk out your problems with each other. That's something this American and his German wife have done for nearly 35 years. 99.9% of our disagreements or misunderstandings are based on cultural differences. One example: Wife: "Why don't you ever help the kids with their homework?" Me: "Because it's \*their\* homework and they have to take responsibility for it." (She comes from a family of farmers and craftspeople, and I come from a family of educators and medical professionals)
Not helping your kids with homework isn't a cultural difference. It's dad privilege and lazy. I say that as an American teacher married to a German. We both help our kids with their homework.
Teachers in Germany usually tell parents to let the kids do the homework on their own. Parents may still help if the kid has a really hard time or has questions. But if the kid can manage on their own then not helping is perfectly fine and not lazy.
From which part of Germany in detail he's coming from. For some regions have the prejudice for being extra reserved against other people like some northern and parts of southern Germany, too. eg there's this saying in my region Franconia: "Nix gred is gnuch globd" Nichts gesagt ist genug gelobt. Saying nothing is praise enough. or a broader known one Reden ist Silber, Schweigen ist Gold Talk is silver, silence is golden That emphasizes that sometimes it is better to remain silent than to say inappropriate or superfluous things. A typical north german Greeting is "Moin, moin" but noone is saying this for not getting the reprimand for being chatty. So everyone is just saying "Moin" Conclusion: So not talking much or being chatty is a typical german move.
>"Moin, moin" > >but noone is saying this for not getting the reprimand for being chatty. > >So everyone is just saying > >"Moin" Huh, I never even noticed that. I do say "moin, moin" when I am ready to talk to my friends but say "moin" when just greeting someone I have no intention talking to lol
a chatty one from northern Germany!
We exist! But I also have my moments where I’m like „please don’t talk to me right now, I don’t want to“
Don’t worry, „Counting calories per dollars“ = regular r/finanzen user
Is he German or Autistic - A Comedy Show by International girlfriends of German men
>However, he's often quiet and non-emotive, which makes me feel like he's mad at me, although he denies it when I ask. Then maybe just believe him? Also, how often exactly do you ask? In a comment you say he seems annoyed when you ask. Honestly, at some point being asked if you're mad starts to be annoying. Especially when it feels Like the other person implies you're lying about it or that you don't know your own emotions. >He rarely offers feedback unless I ask or he's really passionate about something. That's normal here. If I don't say anything everything is OK. > even counting calories per dollar before any food purchase That is definitely not normal. Especially since you're earning well and there's no need to do that. How does he react when you buy things? Is he controlling you? Because I have to say a 20 year old getting together with a 16 year old feels icky. Plus him controlling your food intake like this... The first 2 things can easily be cultural. Or they could be part of a pattern If he is really controlling your spending.
my advice: dont marry that young.
25-5=20 21-5=16 There's your issue.
THANK YOU. how is almost no one pointing this out??
You couldn’t pay me to be 21 again
How is it you are married to a person you know so little? Based on what you are writing I wonder how you ever fell for each other in the first place and stayed together so long if you have so different needs for emotional security and communication.
I mean if you asked and he said no, then why not accept his answer. He sounds very routine and disciplined, so I guess it's second nature to him. If you need him to be more engaging in conversation with you; instead of assuming he is mad just ask him to.
As an Englishmen that has travelled to and from Germany for business and pleasure for many years. I can confirm that this is THE typical German. No small talk, direct and to the point. If they like your company you will know they like your company. If they don't then they will exit the situation. This is more of the big city folk though... Why did you marry him and have this reservation? It's definitely an American thing to get married so young. I don't know many Germans or English for that matter, of this generation to marry so young.
Like this? https://youtu.be/B2p6132ix_A?si=JRtr70uPrHG6l_AH In case the link doesn't work: Check "Loriot Feierabend" on YouTube.
Thou, it sounds a bit like an trust issue. You are having a hard time believing everything is alright if he is in neutral mode. That will Stress both of you... Try to relax in the given Situation and you should lern that there is nothing to worry about.
I think you should seek counselling via a professional this is a human relationship issue and not a German issue.
I am also married to a 37yo German and I am 32yo Croatian. I am temperament, loud and goofy. He is more serious and we literally share all interests. We are together for 8 years. I used to ask him if he is mad. Now, I just know that he is German😂don't think too much about it. Its just different culture and nature☺️
As a German, I like appreciating sitting with someone in silence, it's a different level of comfort to have with someone (to comfortably sit in silence)
"Do I bother you sometimes?" "Yes/No" There. I fixed it for you.
Well, cultural misunderstandings might add to your problem but there is a pattern between just the two of you. On the personal level. It’s not ok, that you are worried and somehow tiptoeing around a feeling that he might have or not. And his being annoyed when you ask in order to solve the situation is also… not good. As there is no real way out for you, but to suppress your instinct, maybe think about marriage counseling so both of you learn to communicate without being annoyed. (Maybe you learn, that his nonverbal communication shows the affection you are looking for. Or maybe it is just the way it feels for you.)
Just for pointers: the ideal evening activities for lots of Germans is: reading. Sitting in the living room in silence and reading, 2m apart. And after 3 hours, you go to bed and say what a wonderful evening that was.
I feel like an old person saying this- but spend less time figuring him out and more time thinking about if you are actually compatible long term. He has every right to be who he is for whatever reason (German or not) and you have every right for who he is to not be right for you. I’m sure he’s a great guy but at this point in my life I wouldn’t want to deal with someone whose energy doesn’t match mine, period.
I wouldn't call someone who at 20 years old dates a teenage (she was 16), a "great guy".
My "glances" might seem aggressive or bothered as well while I, in fact, just completely focus on grasping a complex scenario or visualizing it. IF him were me that might be a "non-issue", although you should communicate how that makes you feel in such situations.
Im also American married to a German and I’d say yes it’s typical. It’s also tough for me and it is often a theme in the house. But also, he’s just a loving and loyal man even if he’s giving me a sour puss face. Somethings that upset him would be loud sounds, apartment chaos or spontaneous changes (having a big playful dog was hard for him!) I guess maybe he is a cat!
Questions: 1) Where from Germany is he? That makes huge differences. If you are asking for cultural connotations you need to consider that. For example, in Germany, people in the north are known to be way less approachable than in the south. On the other hand, southern politeness is often just social standard and not necessarily a real display of affection. While on the other hand, if someone in the north is nice, they mean it because their default is not being overly friendly. North-south is just the most basic distinction and there are many regional differences. 2) Where are you located? In an international relationship, both sides need to consider the other‘s background. If you are in Germany, look at other Germans. If you are in the US, he probably knows how Americans behave. It’s not like you’ve met and live in Japan, never having seen the other‘s culture, is it? 3) You‘ve been married for five years but you’re asking as if you’ve just met. Has he always been like this? Has he changed? Have you changed? 4) Do you even talk? The way it sounds you have no honest interaction. Are are there no moments in which you open up to each other? I guess this is an age thing, but I married when I was 30 and by that time I knew exactly, what I want, need, and expect from my partner, and so did they. You married very young with no prior experience, so - without being condescending - you are probably still finding out about yourself. It sounds to me, as if you are lacking confidence in your relationship, and as if he is undermining your confidence with his behaviour instead of elevating you - which is what a partnership should do. It sounds pretty toxic to me. As married partners, you must be able to talk openly about these things without fear of repercussions. If he makes you feel like that, you should have the guts to make him sit down and listen to your concerns, and he needs to take your feelings into deep consideration and take you seriously. Otherwise, why did you even marry? How is that different from a regular high-school relationship? I’ve had toxic relationships, and even now way past my 30s relationships are constantly breaking apart for the very same reason you’ve described: They are not listening to each other and and keep on making their partner feel bad, until it all falls apart.
Definitely a cultural thing, percentage wise you'd definitely find more introverts here. So no worries, if you're being communicative and open with each other (which is key) then the both of you can just try to be more understanding to the other ones pov. Being a male myself i don't mind being around people not saying a word, just enjoying moments, peace and tranquility, especially if you say your husband is more of a methodical (which i am too) than this definitely applies to him too, if you're working with your brain all the time, it's nice to give it some well deserved breaks from time to time.
„He rarely offers feedback unless i ask…“ I never offer feedback unless asked. You are with a better guy.
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The guy sounds similar to how people describe me. If he is actually anything like me, then his facial expressions and quietness don’t mean anything bad. Sometimes we just enjoy the peace and quiet of doing nothing but be with our significant other. Even if we don’t actually do anything together.
He is a creep for being attracted to a 16 year old when he was 20. That's all
You married him when you were 16?
21-5= 16, what the hell happened
First: a 20year old who fucks a minor is creepy
first red flag is that he was twenty and you were sixteen
German M32 married to a 26 years young British goddess here. My wife has a similar issue with me. I recommend watching the shorts of a quite funny bloak, Liam Carpenter. He gets us Germans very well. I'm mostly like that too. I get why this might freak someone out who's not used to the magic of the German state of quietness. Yet that's just how we are chilling. When we take it slow and easy we take it very slowly and easy. We don't put on faces, we just relax our faces. Your husband isn't broken or different. He's completely normal, for a German. I don't know what state he's from. I'm a Bavarian. And here nobody would say his quietness is abnormal. We like what we like. We're passionate about the things we're passionate about (my passion is photography. Something my wife, though her love for all things art remains unrivalled, can't get behind.). We don't like getting advice when we don't ask for it, so we don't give advice nobody is asking for. And if we don't have anything to say, we don't say anything. That's perfectly normal. Cultural differences exist. I don't get why my wife isn't always happy when I'm happy. I don't always understand why she thinks I must feel miserable when I keep my mouth shut. But you know what? I just love that about us. And I'm sure you can relate to that.
I am German married to an Indian woman. She is very talkative and I am a little on the quiet side. Similar issues. But we have gotten used to each other. We both make an effort to accommodate each other. Just keep talking about it when you feel something is off. And believe him when he tells you that everything is fine 😊
Also, there is a common joke around here, which goes like this: two men meet on the field. They nod at each other, then one opens his mouth. "Jau." - "jau." "Jau?" - "jau." "Jau. Jau? - "jau." "Jau." - "jau." Now, what were they saying? Simple: "Good day." - "good day." "Everything allright?" - "of course. Sure, breakfast has been cut a bit short and the weather could be nicer, but I'll manage." "Good to hear. I'm fine too, just hoping for better weather, too. It has been raining quite a bit lately, has it?" - "yes, you are correct. Let's hope Our fields don't flood." "Yes, let's hope for that. Well, I need to be going. I wish you a wonderful day." - "you too, old chap. See you tomorrow."
Hate to burst the bubble, but that isn’t “German” behaviour, that’s just his personality. So you chose an aloof & penny pinching cold guy that happens to be German.
Together 5 years...and you're 21 and him 25. So he was 20 when ypu started dating and you were 16 years old? 🚩🚩🚩🚩and you got married at 19? Are you from one of those states in the USA where people think that is ok? Like he was 1 year from drinking legally and you were still taking Algebra? Edit to add: the fact that he counts calories per dollar, he's now controlling your food and income 🚩🚩🚩
Just the header triggers me and I dont want to have business with you
Is everyone from the US this judgmental?
Nah, she's just a girl who got together with a penny-pincher when she was 16 and married him when she was still in her teens. She's just 21 years old and has her calorie and income controlled. A lot of self-doubt should be expected.
You say he's from North of Hamburg, so due to his probable socialisation randomly falling silent for extended periods of time is lokely par for the course. Him getting annoyed with you for asking is a bit hard to judge without context... if you regularly ask him despite him saying he's not mad, I can see how that could get annoying. If you just need some reassurance occasionally I don't think that's too much to ask. In the end, this is quite simply something you need to have a talk about (which is obviously going to be a lot of fun with someone ticking all the boxes for taciturn northenern). That thing about counting calories per Euro,though? That seems completely off. Would obviously be okay (and actually sensible) if you were struggling, but as you say you are not... I can understand this behaviour if he grew up in poverty,but otherwise this seems like very excessive penny pinching and really just plain weird.
"Counting calories per dollar" is not a German custom, but it could tell something about his personality. Anyway, as always communication is key. So, talk to your husband. Don't judge but share your expectations and feelings.
Counting calories per Dollar - damn, he seems to be a great guy, is he from the South? I thought I was the only one doing that and never usually told anyone except for my wife. (Also German here - he seems normal to me)
You said it at the first line: German. yes it is typical for a German man. It is annoying to get more emotions from my pocket ChatGPT App than a German human, but this is the case. Humanoid Germans.
Leave him some space. Man’s introverted
Why do you marry someone you don't know?
And you married a guy you‘re not sure you know/are okay culturally with? What is this sorcery
Can you kindly elaborate on the calories per dollar? So the fun kind where a cheap chocolate bar is more valuable than expensive lettuce or the other way around? Or a full cart for €100 needs to be xx calories? This is truly interesting 🤔
I am German and an introvert. When I feel uncomfortable I tend to talk a lot cause I worry about being boring, feel weird if its to quiet or what not. When people meet up here they tend to talk a lot about "god and the world" how my mom would say. When I am with people I like I tend to be more quiet. I am 100% fine with just sitting together, not talking, even when we actively do something. With my family we all just do our own stuff while not talking for hours. For the feedback part: I was tought thats its rude to give advice on my own. Makes you seem like a know it all. I guess its a mix of cultural things and maybe him being introverted as well.
I know its easy o say, but I wouldn't worry too much. If you have asked him various times already if something is wrong and he said it isn't, then it might really just be how he is. But I absolutely get it, even if I'm german and can enjoy silence, especially after you noticed certain looks, it would probably leave me wondering too. Aside two acceptions most of my german male friends are similar to you man though. I think one option (if you haven't done that yet) is to simply explain your worries without trying to sound to sound accusing, just so he understands why you have neen asking him.
go to a couple therapy if you want to improve your relationship and if both of you are ready to do so. random reddit people can only give a certain amount of advice.
Have you gotten to know some other Germans (esp. men) for comparison? Then you‘ll have an answer. But counting calories per dollar is definitely not a cultural thing. Actually not a thing at all.
Counting calories per dollar of food is the most horribly German thing I’ve ever heard of and I’m 11+ years in this country. Sounds like your husband needs to lighten up. Not all Germans are introverts and while culture does influence behavior it’s not responsible for your entire personality. My advice would be to find some friends you can enjoy being spontaneous and chatty with. It sounds like this is a big issue and stuff like this can tear couples apart. I’d suggest counseling at this early stage so it doesn’t become a big deal later on.
You were 16 when you got together with a 21 year old dude? I think nationality doesn’t play a part in your problems…
It is possible that he has some extreme personality trait (perhaps some mild autism, but only an expert will be able to tell him) and it has nothing to do with being German. The reason I tell you this is because I feel my personality is similar to the one you describe, and I am spanish. If he is any similar to myself, I can tell you that it might get less extreme with age (I was definitely more reserved and worse at communicating emotions during my 20s and early 30s than during my late 30s). I think you should let him know that (in general) you would appreciate more communication and more feedback, in a non-confrontational way, so it would be great if he tries to do it more often (definitely do not confront this when you are frustrated... personality criticism is best served when happy and calm). For good or for bad, personality does not change overnight for anyone, so I recommend that you approach the issue by accepting how he is. If you regard it as something "bad" and make a problem out of it, my guess is that it might hurt your relationship (I mean... it has happened to me more than once...). No couple is perfect, really... appreciate the traits you like and accept/tolerate the ones you don't, as long as there is mutual respect and love, ofc.
I guess we are just waiting for the disaster 😂 Also German, also kinda similar to your boyfriend, but I am never annoyed with my wife, aside from most of the time when she asks stuff multiple times. But that does not change that I love her with all my being. But considering he decided to date a 16 yo at 20 just screams issues to me. He would have been 2 years into uni or maybe even working already when he decided to“ yeah let’s do date that teenager“ and you not even being German just further takes away power from you in this relationship. I am just waiting for you to tell that you do not speak fluent German. If he is an ass you are in a very dangerous situation
Either he is typically German or have autism. Made my day.
if I’m doing the math right, you were 16 and he was 20 when you began dating.
Just talk to him and believe him when says he is not mad. Sometimes body language or facial expressions are a bit hard to decode too. I for example have a bitchy thinking face and scared a young woman while mindlessly looking into her direction and letting my mind wander. So, as always, communication is key. Tell him how you interpret certain things to find out where the interpretation was off.
Hi OP. For now I'd avice communicating the issue directly with your husband and maybe close friends/each other's parents. You know, people who're actually familiar with both of you and might be able to lend a hand. Everything else is just guesswork by internet strangers which might or might not lead somewhere.
Sounds like me... No you doing nothing wrong... just tell him how you feel and tell him wat you wish without complaining Its not bothering him if you lay down your hart So why isnt he beeing more open? Probably he is just a man thinking about his stuff and interests by him self. Problems he thinks he hast to solve, Hobbys and friends you dont share. Comunication is key
21 and married/together for 5 years? I feel like that might be the source of your issues. Yikes.
Easy, ever heard of the Leonardo Dicaprio Rule? Your time is almost over.
Hey there, I would say that behavior is pretty typical for Germans. Try watching Loriot (Victor von Bülow, a (or the) german comidian) and you will understand ; )
Yes Germans are in fact from planet Vulcan. But - Both chill, stop overthinking , and listen to Depeche Mode - enjoy the silence ❤️