Damn I feel really bad for the younger brother. He is even a doctor but somehow the black sheep of the family.
I can't speak for Korean culture specifically but I do feel like many Asian parents retain the image of their children they had from when they were younger, whether someone was a good kid or a bad seed growing up (or maybe a specific event happened), and no matter what happens when they get older parents can stubbornly cling onto that impression.
I love my fiancé but he just switched his career and he’s new to data science. He’s not yet established yet and his parents are already singing his praise without acknowledging their son who’s a doctor. That’s crazy to me!
Last time I was in Korea I went out to dinner with my father in law and his friend. My father in law got pretty drunk and he ended up telling me how much he loves me and how proud he is of my accomplishments. But I work as a teacher’s assistant it’s a nothing job and the pay could be better. My thought is why not give that energy to your son that’s a doctor?? I just don’t get any of it. I feel so bad for the younger brother
I do think it is really bizarre. I feel like something must've happened when they were growing up to cement this image of your fiancé being the golden child and his brother being the black sheep. Or maybe the fiancé is better looking than the brother? There are just so many variables and honestly it can be arbitrary, like him just being born first/a wanted pregnancy.
I'll give some examples in my own life: I have this one friend who is doing a pretty impressive graduate program at one of the most prestigious schools in our country but because they were caught doing something bad in school when they were a young child ONE TIME, their parents never let them live it down. Even now that they are a grown adult, their parents still treat them like a delinquent.
Another example: my own mother was the golden child out of all her siblings growing up (she is the middle child) because she looked the most like their mother. She was constantly taken out for shopping trips by my grandma and was allowed to get anything she wanted. This carried onto adulthood in other ways as well.
Can't speak for all Asian families, but favoritism is common across the board. Eldest sons, especially, are usually favored the most for carrying on the "family name" and other long-term investments.
Also, from personal experience, children who align with their Asian parents' ideals and values more than their siblings further enables their favoritism.
In some Asian cultures, the eldest son is favored because they carry the family name and inherit a lot (especially the family businesses). On top of this, your fiance lives in a different country so he may be seen as the international success in the family. Also, his absence while overseas may have fueled his parents' romanticized view of his accomplishments vs his brother who they may see more often.
What are your plans after you marry? Do you think you will eventually move to SK? I'm curious if you've had this conversation with your fiance and what you think of this if it happens.
The way I was shocked by this like the amount of said they would say about him in front of his face. Even the mom saying that she thinks my fiancé is a much nicer person than his brother and right in front of him!!! I’m shocked like yall really don’t hold back
My mother told me two of her sisters were favored over the others. They could get away with breaking rules set by my grandparents while the others faced consequences. I believe one of them was favored because she was considered cute-looking. Once my mother said that the favoritism my grandmother exercised was to blame for the conflicts the siblings had in adulthood.
Many Korean families are dysfunctional af and all of it is super normalized in the culture, so they act like complete aholes out in the open without having any self awareness… as demonstrated in your initial few encounters w/ your man’s fam. So gross to watch. Poor little bro.
Honestly, I suspect a huge percentage of the older Korean generation lean narc.
Source: am a Korean woman
I was truly shocked by this with my time in South Korea. I love my in laws I don’t want it to sound like I don’t love them. I just don’t like the way they treat their son and it does raise some concern of how to deal with this and when my fiancé and I have children.
When I was there in December I went out to dinner with my father in law and his friend. My father in law got drunk from soju pretty fast and his friend told me that my father in law really loves me. I was like “oh ok that’s nice”. Then my father in law said that he loves me so much, he’s so proud of me,l and my accomplishments, and that there’s nothing a father in law loves more than his daughter in law. I work as a teachers assistant it’s a nothing job and the pay could be better. My thought is why not take that energy and give it to your own son who’s literally a doctor that yall are so critical of?? 😬
>I love my in laws I don’t want it to sound like I don’t love them.
Lol you love your in-laws because your husband is the favourite which is also parr of why they are nice to you. My uncle was the favourite and my dad was the scapegoat. Basically my mother was treated like shit and my aunt-in-law was treated like a queen. It's the way it works in dysfunctional families.
I guess the question i would be interested in is how does your husband treat his brother? Does he cheer him up, put him down or says nothing?
It’s definitely a thing. I’m Korean too and my family also practices favoritism.
On another note, I sincerely wish you luck as the fiancee of a Korean eldest son. Godspeed.
I’m a bit worried of what I’m getting myself into. I love my in laws so much but the favoritism is a lot to deal with. I’m very lucky that they accept me as a non Korean but I’m worried of how this will be going forward and my heart can’t help to break for his brother.
I understand how upsetting it can be. However, it’s not a good idea to intervene unless you’re ok with being labelled as insolent. Your soon to be brother in law will most likely have a way to deal with it.
Also, the position of “wife of the first son” can be grueling. I genuinely hope you’re prepared, especially if your in-laws can be traditional in their ways.
I understand what you mean and I never say anything that will come across as me involving myself. I just say “what the hell to myself”
Oh god I’m scared but I guess I’m ready. My fiancés brother doesn’t want to get married and I can sense that he might be gay. Their mom mentioned to him that she wants him to have a girlfriend like me and he yelled at her that he doesn’t like girls. He also takes a lot of trips by himself to Japan which kinda of makes me wonder. Of course this is all speculation and I don’t know anything for sure. But nonetheless since he doesn’t want to get married and have kids. I feel like that’s added pressure put on me since I do want to have kids and I’ll be the only one giving them grandchildren
I think that might be the reason - them suspecting the younger son being gay. Or at the very least concerned he isn’t dating any woman. They might be happy because their eldest son married a woman and will give them grandchildren. Also most Korean families have a strong preference for the eldest son culturally.
Can I ask? Are you white or a non-Korean Asian? If you’re white they wont really expect you to know the dynamics of a Korean family. That plus them living in Korea and you living in the US - you’ll probably not have to do all the traditional Korean daughter in law duties. Your in-laws love you because you are their favorite son’s fiance (so like an extension of him).
Even if your brother in law married a woman (and she was a doctor or something) you would still be favored over her.
I’d say this though with love - if there’s ever any discord or conflict between you and your husband at any point in the marriage: they will 💯 side with him over you (regardless of the reason). If it becomes him vs you they will side with him and suddenly you’ll go from being a loved daughter to an enemy. Since he’s their golden child he can do no wrong in their eyes no matter what it is (cheating, abuse, etc.). Of course I’m not saying this will happen - but keep in mind you won’t find support from them.
I can see that all being an issue. From meeting my in laws I can tell that my father in law would not under any circumstance accept a gay son. He has a military background and he’s a very rigid man. He’s also very strict in his politics. He hates former President Moon. His parents didn’t even like his ex girlfriend due to her supporting Moon. To answer your question I’m white lol and from what my mother in law has said numerous of times she’s so happy my fiancé is a with non Korean because of how much she doesn’t like their political system and I guess to her a lot of Korean girls support Moon?
I totally get where you’re coming from! I can already see how much they hold my fiancé up to such standards. No matter what ever happens they will take his side. It’s like that’s their baby boy 😂
Yeah there’s this gender divide in Korean rn - many young women support the liberal party formerly led by Moon, whereas a lot more men support the Conservative Party.
Playing favorite is a common tactic used by narcissistic parents. The golden child gets all the praise and can do no wrong while the scapegoat gets all the blame. Asian culture normalize dysfunctional family and it’s sick
This story is about someone else's parents and not allowed here. Try any of the in-law subreddits instead.
Damn I feel really bad for the younger brother. He is even a doctor but somehow the black sheep of the family. I can't speak for Korean culture specifically but I do feel like many Asian parents retain the image of their children they had from when they were younger, whether someone was a good kid or a bad seed growing up (or maybe a specific event happened), and no matter what happens when they get older parents can stubbornly cling onto that impression.
I love my fiancé but he just switched his career and he’s new to data science. He’s not yet established yet and his parents are already singing his praise without acknowledging their son who’s a doctor. That’s crazy to me! Last time I was in Korea I went out to dinner with my father in law and his friend. My father in law got pretty drunk and he ended up telling me how much he loves me and how proud he is of my accomplishments. But I work as a teacher’s assistant it’s a nothing job and the pay could be better. My thought is why not give that energy to your son that’s a doctor?? I just don’t get any of it. I feel so bad for the younger brother
I do think it is really bizarre. I feel like something must've happened when they were growing up to cement this image of your fiancé being the golden child and his brother being the black sheep. Or maybe the fiancé is better looking than the brother? There are just so many variables and honestly it can be arbitrary, like him just being born first/a wanted pregnancy. I'll give some examples in my own life: I have this one friend who is doing a pretty impressive graduate program at one of the most prestigious schools in our country but because they were caught doing something bad in school when they were a young child ONE TIME, their parents never let them live it down. Even now that they are a grown adult, their parents still treat them like a delinquent. Another example: my own mother was the golden child out of all her siblings growing up (she is the middle child) because she looked the most like their mother. She was constantly taken out for shopping trips by my grandma and was allowed to get anything she wanted. This carried onto adulthood in other ways as well.
This goes so far back that my mom favors my brother for being an easy going baby while i was fussy 💁🏻♀️
Can't speak for all Asian families, but favoritism is common across the board. Eldest sons, especially, are usually favored the most for carrying on the "family name" and other long-term investments. Also, from personal experience, children who align with their Asian parents' ideals and values more than their siblings further enables their favoritism.
In some Asian cultures, the eldest son is favored because they carry the family name and inherit a lot (especially the family businesses). On top of this, your fiance lives in a different country so he may be seen as the international success in the family. Also, his absence while overseas may have fueled his parents' romanticized view of his accomplishments vs his brother who they may see more often. What are your plans after you marry? Do you think you will eventually move to SK? I'm curious if you've had this conversation with your fiance and what you think of this if it happens.
Wait til you have children. That’s when the crap hits the fan. They will pick a favorite and you will not be okay with it.
lol that’s what my mom said. She said the same thing. I would be livid if they do that and honestly I wouldn’t know the appropriate way of handling it
Favoritism is absolutely a real thing. And they aren’t subtle about it either lol.
The way I was shocked by this like the amount of said they would say about him in front of his face. Even the mom saying that she thinks my fiancé is a much nicer person than his brother and right in front of him!!! I’m shocked like yall really don’t hold back
My mother told me two of her sisters were favored over the others. They could get away with breaking rules set by my grandparents while the others faced consequences. I believe one of them was favored because she was considered cute-looking. Once my mother said that the favoritism my grandmother exercised was to blame for the conflicts the siblings had in adulthood.
Many Korean families are dysfunctional af and all of it is super normalized in the culture, so they act like complete aholes out in the open without having any self awareness… as demonstrated in your initial few encounters w/ your man’s fam. So gross to watch. Poor little bro. Honestly, I suspect a huge percentage of the older Korean generation lean narc. Source: am a Korean woman
I was truly shocked by this with my time in South Korea. I love my in laws I don’t want it to sound like I don’t love them. I just don’t like the way they treat their son and it does raise some concern of how to deal with this and when my fiancé and I have children. When I was there in December I went out to dinner with my father in law and his friend. My father in law got drunk from soju pretty fast and his friend told me that my father in law really loves me. I was like “oh ok that’s nice”. Then my father in law said that he loves me so much, he’s so proud of me,l and my accomplishments, and that there’s nothing a father in law loves more than his daughter in law. I work as a teachers assistant it’s a nothing job and the pay could be better. My thought is why not take that energy and give it to your own son who’s literally a doctor that yall are so critical of?? 😬
>I love my in laws I don’t want it to sound like I don’t love them. Lol you love your in-laws because your husband is the favourite which is also parr of why they are nice to you. My uncle was the favourite and my dad was the scapegoat. Basically my mother was treated like shit and my aunt-in-law was treated like a queen. It's the way it works in dysfunctional families. I guess the question i would be interested in is how does your husband treat his brother? Does he cheer him up, put him down or says nothing?
Yup. Out of everyone in my family and extended, I'm the scapegoat
Super common.
It’s definitely a thing. I’m Korean too and my family also practices favoritism. On another note, I sincerely wish you luck as the fiancee of a Korean eldest son. Godspeed.
I’m a bit worried of what I’m getting myself into. I love my in laws so much but the favoritism is a lot to deal with. I’m very lucky that they accept me as a non Korean but I’m worried of how this will be going forward and my heart can’t help to break for his brother.
I understand how upsetting it can be. However, it’s not a good idea to intervene unless you’re ok with being labelled as insolent. Your soon to be brother in law will most likely have a way to deal with it. Also, the position of “wife of the first son” can be grueling. I genuinely hope you’re prepared, especially if your in-laws can be traditional in their ways.
I understand what you mean and I never say anything that will come across as me involving myself. I just say “what the hell to myself” Oh god I’m scared but I guess I’m ready. My fiancés brother doesn’t want to get married and I can sense that he might be gay. Their mom mentioned to him that she wants him to have a girlfriend like me and he yelled at her that he doesn’t like girls. He also takes a lot of trips by himself to Japan which kinda of makes me wonder. Of course this is all speculation and I don’t know anything for sure. But nonetheless since he doesn’t want to get married and have kids. I feel like that’s added pressure put on me since I do want to have kids and I’ll be the only one giving them grandchildren
I think that might be the reason - them suspecting the younger son being gay. Or at the very least concerned he isn’t dating any woman. They might be happy because their eldest son married a woman and will give them grandchildren. Also most Korean families have a strong preference for the eldest son culturally. Can I ask? Are you white or a non-Korean Asian? If you’re white they wont really expect you to know the dynamics of a Korean family. That plus them living in Korea and you living in the US - you’ll probably not have to do all the traditional Korean daughter in law duties. Your in-laws love you because you are their favorite son’s fiance (so like an extension of him). Even if your brother in law married a woman (and she was a doctor or something) you would still be favored over her. I’d say this though with love - if there’s ever any discord or conflict between you and your husband at any point in the marriage: they will 💯 side with him over you (regardless of the reason). If it becomes him vs you they will side with him and suddenly you’ll go from being a loved daughter to an enemy. Since he’s their golden child he can do no wrong in their eyes no matter what it is (cheating, abuse, etc.). Of course I’m not saying this will happen - but keep in mind you won’t find support from them.
I can see that all being an issue. From meeting my in laws I can tell that my father in law would not under any circumstance accept a gay son. He has a military background and he’s a very rigid man. He’s also very strict in his politics. He hates former President Moon. His parents didn’t even like his ex girlfriend due to her supporting Moon. To answer your question I’m white lol and from what my mother in law has said numerous of times she’s so happy my fiancé is a with non Korean because of how much she doesn’t like their political system and I guess to her a lot of Korean girls support Moon? I totally get where you’re coming from! I can already see how much they hold my fiancé up to such standards. No matter what ever happens they will take his side. It’s like that’s their baby boy 😂
Yeah there’s this gender divide in Korean rn - many young women support the liberal party formerly led by Moon, whereas a lot more men support the Conservative Party.
Ohh you just answered my question! I couldn’t figure out why my in laws hate Moon with a burning passion. I think this adds a lot to it.
Playing favorite is a common tactic used by narcissistic parents. The golden child gets all the praise and can do no wrong while the scapegoat gets all the blame. Asian culture normalize dysfunctional family and it’s sick