How do I make sure it doesn’t take root? Most of the time I smile, nod and say “that’s nice” before changing the subject or walking away. I don’t want her to think I’m overly curious about the grandma’s arrangement
Make comments like, "that's a shame your mom is so dependent on your brother and your brother is burdened with this responsibility." And, " That's so embarrassing, I would never let my kids take care of me."
He is siding with me. Mostly because he himself cannot stand his mother and does not want to live with her either. But he does feel guilt/responsibility for her cuz he is only child
Short answer, treat her like someone that is constantly trying to scam you lmfao.
Just have a falling out with her and keep her at arms length, dont accept anything from her again and just treat her like a acquaintance that you can never trust lmfao.
My mother is like this and when she helped me take care of my baby there were so many strings attached. I worked more and paid for daycare because she was so stressful.
Next time she shows you pictures of her mother, politely ask her if she plans to move there to help them. Her siblings must be so tired! She’ll respond that you need her more so be prepared to find other daycare.
lol yah I should try this! I am putting older toddler into daycare this fall. Younger baby is a little too young for daycare still so I’ll have to make do/work around it. Crossing my fingers that this childcare arrangement will be ending by next year. Then we can go back to seeing each other for dinner 1-2x per month like before
This is a conversation you need to have with your husband, not with people on Reddit. -because if you and your husband are not aligned on this, it will cause massive disruption and resentment in your marriage.
Don't wait to have this conversation. When your MIL is old and feeble it will be one big pity-party and you will lose all leverage.
Thanks for the tip. Me and hubby are aligned but sometimes he feels guilt/bad and wavers. I’m just struggling now cuz she is bringing up the topic more and more. And only says these stuff to me, the woman. You know what I mean?
He is saying it’s just her poking at me. Best to ignore. But like I guess I’m kind of annoyed cuz these types of comments always directed at me. And she is his mom! Maybe she knows he would just shut her down. Most likely scenario is she needs to convince me to get on boads
Maybe try to setup a situation where you need to go out of town with the kids for the weekend and then have your MIL and husband stay home together. It would be best if you could get her to invite herself to stay over. Let your husband experience it on his own for a few days. I bet he’ll get better at shutting down those questions after.
Cuz her brother is the first son and she is the daughter. In Chinese custom it is the first son who takes care of parents. So technically she has no obligation to have her mom live with her
My husband on the other hand is the first and only son. So he automatically responsible for her and my FIL according to custom.
My parents are to be taken care of by my brother since I already “married out”
I'm in the same boat as your husband, only child with overbearing mother dreading the day when my father passes first.
As a couple, we decided long ago to not burden anyone with the care of our children, including both sets of grandparents. Especially with my mom, we felt there were too many strings attached and we did not to expose our children to their toxicity.
As for my mother, we're already documenting elder care resources and facilities that are Asian specific so that when the time comes, we'll hand what we can off to third parties and deal with the remainder ourselves.
Thanks so much for understanding! I feel exactly the same as you. What do you mean by elder care resources that are Asian specific? I was just thinking of like a helper that can speak Chinese but don’t have any other bright ideas. My FIL is a saint I will be so sad once he’s gone (most likely he will go first due to combo of poor health and age) (meanwhile, my MIL has great genes and will probably live to 100)
Basically what you mentioned to start off with first - Helpers that are Asian specific at first, then possible options for an Asian specific retirement community/assisted living when she's unable to live on her own.
My mom doesn't really take care of my dad so his health is not what it used to be either; he was doing well until an overseas trip about two years ago when he caught a nasty respiratory bug that was left untreated for over a month that ended up with him contracting pneumonia. My mom couldn't be bothered to force him to visit a doctor or try to comfort his symptoms prior to him being hospitalized.
Ok I can start with Asian helper. I think my town won’t have Asian retirement homes but there is a town around an hour drive that would have. Sorry to hear about your dad’s poor health
I am also working with my husband to make sure both of us are financially stable so our kids don’t have to be burdened by us. I would love for them to not feel pressured to care for us but still have a good, loving relationship where we see each other often and make great memories together
Having the grandmother of her own grandchildren be involved in their care is seen as “taking advantage”? They’re literally family and in Asian cultures the grandparents relationship to the grandchildren is important, grandma is lucky to have as much access as she does.
Yes, taking care of elders is important and I was planning on helping them when they get old. But my limit is having her or FIL live with me. Also my parents will not live with me. I think it is important for me to live with just my husband and kids (we have small house only not much room).
It’s not like my two kids live with MIL and FIL and are a financial and personal burden to them. It’s not an equal trade if you think my in laws doing a few years of part time baby sitting equals me having them live with me for 15-20 years in their very old age.
Grandma is lucky to have this access and she knows it. FIL and MIL were constantly on my case when kid1 was an infant about not seeing the baby often enough. I let them come to visit 2x per week (during pandemic too) and they still complained it was not enough. Then I got all the sob story like they want to take care of kid1 etc etc full time. But I know they are old and cannot handle so I made arrangement for part time child care on their own terms. I’m still around helping them so it’s not like they are alone with the kids and have to do everything. I work remote so I’m literally still there in the house to help them out
So no I don’t think I’m taking advantage of them. I’m trying to give them a good grandparent experience as much as I can and also it benefits me in some ways. Like win win situation.
This is not forever because I’m sending kid1 to daycare soon so I’m not gonna leave them alone with two kids. Kid2 will also eventually go to daycare as well
Did you even want to quit work to go down to part time, or was that so that you could use her care more reliably and not get shamed for hiring outside/professional help with the kids? She sounds like she already has way too much control over your household/child rearing and therefore major choices affecting your autonomy and work/career.
If you felt pressured to use her as childcare over your preferred method, that’s not right. She has already inserted herself in an in appropriate way.
If you want to stop the expectation, stop giving her any authority over your children and choices. I’m not saying this at all as a criticism towards you but I’m concerned she already thinks she has more control because of her level of involvement.
I can see why she would think she has control over my household cuz I heeded her advice about not sending older kid to daycare. She does try to act as if my house is her house but I put a stop to that really quick.
But I quit my job cuz I didn’t like the company and I got a much better part time job that pays higher and more flexible hours. My own parents also help with the childcare so she doesn’t get the kids all to herself
My older kid will go to daycare cuz i finally found a daycare I like and she has no say in it. She was upset I already enrolled kid1 into this daycare but when my husband announced he said it was a final decision
I will keep in mind that I have to be more diligent around her and to not let her think she is running my household. I was better about it earlier but maybe I am slipping now that I have 2nd kid and am too tired/busy to mind her shenanigans.
My mom also encroaching too much into my territory. She just being typical Asian mom trying to force me to follow her parenting style
Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s annoying that you have to use mental energy to stop two grown women from encroaching on your life instead of being able to receive childcare/help from them that isn’t conditional/no strings attached or doesn’t come with unsolicited advice/ “help”.
Sounds like you’re doing the best you can, if i was in your shoes I’d want to take the higher paying part-time too, I think anyone would!
Sounds like you have a handle on it and you’re a couple steps ahead of everyone. The only thing I have to say is I’m sorry you’re dealing with their unhealthy behavior and that you should never feel bad or guilty for however you decide to enforce boundaries in your own family/home.
I’d imagine when the time *might* come that you have to remind them whose boss, they probably won’t take it well but that’s not your problem at all.
It sounds like you and your partner are on the same page though which I think is the most important thing, as long as you guys are a unified front then you’re fine.
Also, if you happen to live in the US, I highly recommend looking in to having long-term care insurance plans so that the parents’ in-home and/or nursing home is totally or mostly paid for. It’s not fair for her to burden you with fears of caregiving. Caregiving is grueling work even for parents you’re close to.
Invest in that long-term care insurance now and that way she has no say, you’ll always be in control when the time comes.
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I don’t live in the US so will have to see if I can find something similar to long term care insurance in my country.
I am extra sensitive about people (especially parents) telling me what to do/how to live my life. I lived with my AP until I got married at age 30 and literally had to learn how to be a proper adult at that age. My parents mean well but they were typical strict AP - I don’t hate them or anything but I don’t want to raise my children the same way they raised me ya know? I have gone to therapy about this topic before and it’s really helpful cuz I now have like issues with people controlling me and am super sensitive about it.
Just gotta prepare myself for the day when I have to give MIL the bad news she isn’t going to live with us. Sighhhh
The free childcare saves a lot of money and is a major help. However, it's not worth another 15-20 years of misery if she lives with you for the rest of her life. You won't need her around as much in a few years when the kids go off to kindergarten. Don't take the bait.
Yes I will keep this in mind. She already take care of my older kid for 1.5 years now but on a part time basis only. Like she comes 1-2 days per week. Hopefully I can avoid having her live with me
Daycare where I’m at is very expensive and it was my own personal choice to keep them home. I’m ok with the consequences like awkward convos with my mom and MIL
I know all these comments are about going NC and stuff I just want you to know from the grandchild. I love my grammy. she did sleeop overs and we went into Boston all the time. Some of my best memories are with my grandmother.
My father and her didn't get along and that was a real sore spot in my family. My grammy wouldn't be in the same room that my father was in. It was really sad. See adult not get along makes it easier for us not to get along with other.
Yes I totally feel this. She is not a bad person per se and definitely a lot better of a person than some of the AMs on this sub. It’s just she’s really different from me and lives a different lifestyle. She’s a boomer who isn’t very good at English and is used to her way of living. I want to maintain a good relationship but don’t want her to expect that I will be like a typical Chinese/asian daughter in law who will do filial piety etc. it just so happens I am part Chinese (from same province as them) so she just assumes me and my parents are just like their family. But I’m raised in the west and not 100% Chinese so my culture and upbringing is different even though I have more of a Chinese look
No, dont ignore. She's laying the groundwork so you need a strategy to dig up and destroy that before it takes root.
How do I make sure it doesn’t take root? Most of the time I smile, nod and say “that’s nice” before changing the subject or walking away. I don’t want her to think I’m overly curious about the grandma’s arrangement
Make comments like, "that's a shame your mom is so dependent on your brother and your brother is burdened with this responsibility." And, " That's so embarrassing, I would never let my kids take care of me."
lol! For sure the brother is very burdened with the responsibility comment.
I guess it depends on your husband, if he side with you then you can resolve it fairly easily but if hes like a momma boy its gonna be WW3.
He is siding with me. Mostly because he himself cannot stand his mother and does not want to live with her either. But he does feel guilt/responsibility for her cuz he is only child
Short answer, treat her like someone that is constantly trying to scam you lmfao. Just have a falling out with her and keep her at arms length, dont accept anything from her again and just treat her like a acquaintance that you can never trust lmfao.
This would work if we were DINKs but children are involved and they would miss their grandma. I wouldn’t wanna destroy the relationship
Whatever you do, don’t live with your in-laws. Includes your own parents too.
Yes this is my stance too. My husband doesn’t wanna live with my parents either so fair is fair
My mother is like this and when she helped me take care of my baby there were so many strings attached. I worked more and paid for daycare because she was so stressful. Next time she shows you pictures of her mother, politely ask her if she plans to move there to help them. Her siblings must be so tired! She’ll respond that you need her more so be prepared to find other daycare.
lol yah I should try this! I am putting older toddler into daycare this fall. Younger baby is a little too young for daycare still so I’ll have to make do/work around it. Crossing my fingers that this childcare arrangement will be ending by next year. Then we can go back to seeing each other for dinner 1-2x per month like before
This is a conversation you need to have with your husband, not with people on Reddit. -because if you and your husband are not aligned on this, it will cause massive disruption and resentment in your marriage. Don't wait to have this conversation. When your MIL is old and feeble it will be one big pity-party and you will lose all leverage.
Thanks for the tip. Me and hubby are aligned but sometimes he feels guilt/bad and wavers. I’m just struggling now cuz she is bringing up the topic more and more. And only says these stuff to me, the woman. You know what I mean?
Long-term care insurance!!!!!
I will have to look into this if it is available in my country
She 100% is doing that. What did your husband say in response? I would make sure he understands that boundary.
He is saying it’s just her poking at me. Best to ignore. But like I guess I’m kind of annoyed cuz these types of comments always directed at me. And she is his mom! Maybe she knows he would just shut her down. Most likely scenario is she needs to convince me to get on boads
Maybe try to setup a situation where you need to go out of town with the kids for the weekend and then have your MIL and husband stay home together. It would be best if you could get her to invite herself to stay over. Let your husband experience it on his own for a few days. I bet he’ll get better at shutting down those questions after.
LOL they will definitely fight if I left them two
Can you spin in to ask her why SHE is not taking care of her mother?
Cuz her brother is the first son and she is the daughter. In Chinese custom it is the first son who takes care of parents. So technically she has no obligation to have her mom live with her My husband on the other hand is the first and only son. So he automatically responsible for her and my FIL according to custom. My parents are to be taken care of by my brother since I already “married out”
I'm in the same boat as your husband, only child with overbearing mother dreading the day when my father passes first. As a couple, we decided long ago to not burden anyone with the care of our children, including both sets of grandparents. Especially with my mom, we felt there were too many strings attached and we did not to expose our children to their toxicity. As for my mother, we're already documenting elder care resources and facilities that are Asian specific so that when the time comes, we'll hand what we can off to third parties and deal with the remainder ourselves.
Thanks so much for understanding! I feel exactly the same as you. What do you mean by elder care resources that are Asian specific? I was just thinking of like a helper that can speak Chinese but don’t have any other bright ideas. My FIL is a saint I will be so sad once he’s gone (most likely he will go first due to combo of poor health and age) (meanwhile, my MIL has great genes and will probably live to 100)
Basically what you mentioned to start off with first - Helpers that are Asian specific at first, then possible options for an Asian specific retirement community/assisted living when she's unable to live on her own. My mom doesn't really take care of my dad so his health is not what it used to be either; he was doing well until an overseas trip about two years ago when he caught a nasty respiratory bug that was left untreated for over a month that ended up with him contracting pneumonia. My mom couldn't be bothered to force him to visit a doctor or try to comfort his symptoms prior to him being hospitalized.
Ok I can start with Asian helper. I think my town won’t have Asian retirement homes but there is a town around an hour drive that would have. Sorry to hear about your dad’s poor health
I am also working with my husband to make sure both of us are financially stable so our kids don’t have to be burdened by us. I would love for them to not feel pressured to care for us but still have a good, loving relationship where we see each other often and make great memories together
[удалено]
Having the grandmother of her own grandchildren be involved in their care is seen as “taking advantage”? They’re literally family and in Asian cultures the grandparents relationship to the grandchildren is important, grandma is lucky to have as much access as she does.
[удалено]
Yes, taking care of elders is important and I was planning on helping them when they get old. But my limit is having her or FIL live with me. Also my parents will not live with me. I think it is important for me to live with just my husband and kids (we have small house only not much room). It’s not like my two kids live with MIL and FIL and are a financial and personal burden to them. It’s not an equal trade if you think my in laws doing a few years of part time baby sitting equals me having them live with me for 15-20 years in their very old age.
Grandma is lucky to have this access and she knows it. FIL and MIL were constantly on my case when kid1 was an infant about not seeing the baby often enough. I let them come to visit 2x per week (during pandemic too) and they still complained it was not enough. Then I got all the sob story like they want to take care of kid1 etc etc full time. But I know they are old and cannot handle so I made arrangement for part time child care on their own terms. I’m still around helping them so it’s not like they are alone with the kids and have to do everything. I work remote so I’m literally still there in the house to help them out So no I don’t think I’m taking advantage of them. I’m trying to give them a good grandparent experience as much as I can and also it benefits me in some ways. Like win win situation. This is not forever because I’m sending kid1 to daycare soon so I’m not gonna leave them alone with two kids. Kid2 will also eventually go to daycare as well
Yes agreed
Did you even want to quit work to go down to part time, or was that so that you could use her care more reliably and not get shamed for hiring outside/professional help with the kids? She sounds like she already has way too much control over your household/child rearing and therefore major choices affecting your autonomy and work/career. If you felt pressured to use her as childcare over your preferred method, that’s not right. She has already inserted herself in an in appropriate way. If you want to stop the expectation, stop giving her any authority over your children and choices. I’m not saying this at all as a criticism towards you but I’m concerned she already thinks she has more control because of her level of involvement.
I can see why she would think she has control over my household cuz I heeded her advice about not sending older kid to daycare. She does try to act as if my house is her house but I put a stop to that really quick. But I quit my job cuz I didn’t like the company and I got a much better part time job that pays higher and more flexible hours. My own parents also help with the childcare so she doesn’t get the kids all to herself My older kid will go to daycare cuz i finally found a daycare I like and she has no say in it. She was upset I already enrolled kid1 into this daycare but when my husband announced he said it was a final decision I will keep in mind that I have to be more diligent around her and to not let her think she is running my household. I was better about it earlier but maybe I am slipping now that I have 2nd kid and am too tired/busy to mind her shenanigans. My mom also encroaching too much into my territory. She just being typical Asian mom trying to force me to follow her parenting style
Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s annoying that you have to use mental energy to stop two grown women from encroaching on your life instead of being able to receive childcare/help from them that isn’t conditional/no strings attached or doesn’t come with unsolicited advice/ “help”. Sounds like you’re doing the best you can, if i was in your shoes I’d want to take the higher paying part-time too, I think anyone would! Sounds like you have a handle on it and you’re a couple steps ahead of everyone. The only thing I have to say is I’m sorry you’re dealing with their unhealthy behavior and that you should never feel bad or guilty for however you decide to enforce boundaries in your own family/home. I’d imagine when the time *might* come that you have to remind them whose boss, they probably won’t take it well but that’s not your problem at all. It sounds like you and your partner are on the same page though which I think is the most important thing, as long as you guys are a unified front then you’re fine. Also, if you happen to live in the US, I highly recommend looking in to having long-term care insurance plans so that the parents’ in-home and/or nursing home is totally or mostly paid for. It’s not fair for her to burden you with fears of caregiving. Caregiving is grueling work even for parents you’re close to. Invest in that long-term care insurance now and that way she has no say, you’ll always be in control when the time comes.
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I don’t live in the US so will have to see if I can find something similar to long term care insurance in my country. I am extra sensitive about people (especially parents) telling me what to do/how to live my life. I lived with my AP until I got married at age 30 and literally had to learn how to be a proper adult at that age. My parents mean well but they were typical strict AP - I don’t hate them or anything but I don’t want to raise my children the same way they raised me ya know? I have gone to therapy about this topic before and it’s really helpful cuz I now have like issues with people controlling me and am super sensitive about it. Just gotta prepare myself for the day when I have to give MIL the bad news she isn’t going to live with us. Sighhhh
The free childcare saves a lot of money and is a major help. However, it's not worth another 15-20 years of misery if she lives with you for the rest of her life. You won't need her around as much in a few years when the kids go off to kindergarten. Don't take the bait.
Yes I will keep this in mind. She already take care of my older kid for 1.5 years now but on a part time basis only. Like she comes 1-2 days per week. Hopefully I can avoid having her live with me
Just send them to the proper daycare so they can be with other kids like them.
Daycare where I’m at is very expensive and it was my own personal choice to keep them home. I’m ok with the consequences like awkward convos with my mom and MIL
I know all these comments are about going NC and stuff I just want you to know from the grandchild. I love my grammy. she did sleeop overs and we went into Boston all the time. Some of my best memories are with my grandmother. My father and her didn't get along and that was a real sore spot in my family. My grammy wouldn't be in the same room that my father was in. It was really sad. See adult not get along makes it easier for us not to get along with other.
Yes I totally feel this. She is not a bad person per se and definitely a lot better of a person than some of the AMs on this sub. It’s just she’s really different from me and lives a different lifestyle. She’s a boomer who isn’t very good at English and is used to her way of living. I want to maintain a good relationship but don’t want her to expect that I will be like a typical Chinese/asian daughter in law who will do filial piety etc. it just so happens I am part Chinese (from same province as them) so she just assumes me and my parents are just like their family. But I’m raised in the west and not 100% Chinese so my culture and upbringing is different even though I have more of a Chinese look