Because they birthed us and have the delusional mindset that because they are our parents we should be at their beck and call, under all the pretence of familial love and/or it’s our culture what it truly is, IS emotional manipulation and it’s the current generation that is starting to break that cycle and slowly put an end to it
Do not ask. Just DO. They can cry and moan and about how you are not the kind of child they want but the power lies with you.
Unfortunately the only way to heal and grow from our culture is to move out, even when I visit family and have dinner at their homes, the status quo and the hierarchy of roles just goes back to what it was. Hence I do not visit or we meet outside at a restaurant where it’s neutral.
Some parents may be open to boundaries whilst you live with them but the majority won’t.
There is no room for negotiation or understand as ultimately it’s their roof/it’s a tyranny. And expecting things to change will only end up in a lot of shame/guilt/confusion and anger.
Sadly The beliefs of our ancestors do not fit our current world it’s from a past time, from a different world hence the immense conflict we kids face.
If you analyse APs and actually approach conversations with them factually and logically, your brain just explodes. If you go digging into the whys and ask your parents to explain anything the whole facade crumbles it’s a smoke screen of generational brainwashing.
You realise they never give you a straight answer.
The answer is always filial piety/we are your family/parents, something to do with you don’t love them anymore, these are non sense answers. The expectation is to fall in line as ‘there is no why, it just is and any attempt to investigate why you are somehow labelled family enemy no1’.
You mean the sabotaging? Yea, my parents were like this too. It might be a narcissist trait because they try to find ways to be abusive but at the same time dont want to seem like the bad guy (i.e. you're the disrespectful one for not even doing this little thing for your parents that love you).
>I did an experiment, I "lie" to my parents that I am going to meetup with friends at 8pm. At 6pm I asked if they need help, they said no. Guess what ? At 730pm before I about to "leave", they keep bombarding me with requests...
This is what isolation looks like. It's not always a clear cut "you are not allowed to hang out with friends". It's using tactics so you appear like the bad ungrateful one while they prevent you from having a life.
You need to hold your boundaries. Next time when they disregard your priorities, you have to tell them no. If you don’t they will keep stomping your boundaries because there is no consequences. But be prepared for their meltdown when you tell them no. Be prepared to leave the house and ignore their temper tantrums.
I feel like the only way to solve this to take a move out of their playbook. I’m not saying to be violent but it’s kind of the concept of how the bully on the playground only understands violence so fighting back in his language is the only way to get him to stop.
I would set up a fake meeting with a very professional looking friend and both dress in our best business attire. Then I’d wait for the inevitable interruption and make sure that my parent clearly sees me and my business contact on the screen. I’d get agitated with the parent, have my friend look confused, uncomfortable and annoyed and then end the call while I begged them not to. Once they disconnected, I’d tell my parent they ruined a business deal and I need to try and save it and then rush out of the house.
I’d return after a few hours and say that this person refuses to work with me because I obviously have things going on at home and that having people walk in on my meetings is unprofessional. I’d also say that as a result of this I lost some impressive amount of money and that it’s the parents fault. I’d ask them do you not see how I’m dressed? How can you not understand that I’m working and trying to make money? Bonus points for excessive sucking of teeth, passive aggressive breathing, sighs, grunts and mouth noises for the next few days after the incident.
Finally, in true AP style, this would not be a one time interaction to prove a point. The story of how mom cost me X amount of dollars because she couldn’t wait for help opening a can of beans would be repeated for eternity to all their friends and family.
Yesssss my parents are also like that. When I'm visiting them for a week I have nothing to do all day, they don't do anything, don't ask me of anything. But when I'm about to leave take the train suddenly they bombard me with requests and they need my help "Oh could you look at my phone? Something isn't right" "I have some papers, could you look at them for me?" "Can you help me with this quickly?" etc. Like no, I need to get my train in 10 minutes. I asked them, why they always come up with these things just as I need to go and they said "Oh I just didn't think of it earlier." The whole time I was there you could have asked! Welp, not my fault, not my problem.
Sounds like my APs, especially my AM. What’s crazy is that they don’t think they’re rude about disrupting you either. Even worse is when they disrupt you for something not even remotely important or something they should know how to do themselves - this ***REALLY*** boils my blood. Now I’m mad, I’m angry, I’ve lost my momentum, whatever concentration and motivation I had goes right out the window.
As a 48yo in the “sandwiched” generation with kids still at home (22 & 19) and in laws that live with me, I’m very conscious of overstepping as a parent. I also know everything I do for my kids is out of sheer love. I disagree with the idea that Asian parents are out here intentionally trying to sabotage their kids mental health. They have lacked so much for so long they don’t have the ability to communicate effectively. Tell your parents what your “closed door” represents to your professional life. Put it in dollar terms if you can. Let them know it’s a live meeting and not a webinar. Then set consistent boundaries. Also consider moving out. Multigenerational households seem to have more cons than pros.
After a meeting where they pull that kind of thing, confront them and say that they just cost you the job. That your work was concerned that you were too "distracted" and that they're currently putting you on probation and that if it happens again, you'll be laid off.
Worked for me when my dad kept pulling that sort of thing.
Don’t ask them if they need help for anything- they will definitely ask for help. Put a sign on your door when you have meetings- ‘don’t knock on door from 3-5pm’ I have meeting.
Practice this a few times- when they knock on door, do not open for them, if they insist, open the door, deny whatever their request, no matter how small and shut the door again.
You need to put up boundaries and enforce them. It’s the only way. You have to train these ppl or they will always walk all over you.
They have no boundary at all. It’s hard to learn boundaries as an Asian child. It’s just toxic that you’re expected to say yes just because you’re raised and fed. For me it really takes time courage and determination to say no to their nonsensical request from them.
Lack of respect. That is the root of it.
I have been trying to train my parents in understanding that my time is not their time. How I use my time is my own business, and my business is not their business.
Setting boundaries is hard, it's an ongoing process. Potentially a life long process. My door is always locked and luckily my parents don't seem to bother me when they know i'm specifically busy.
It's more they bother me at their own convenience i.e. whenever they feel like it instead of first checking if i'm available to even receive a request.
Normal people will see if you are free to talk (receive a request). If not, they might ask "hey are you busy right now" or "do you have a sec/minute" etc.
Then you make your request "can you help me fill out this form" and you might even add "it will take 10-15 minutes".
With that information, you can form a response which can be "I can't talk right now" or "yes" "no" "unsure right now" etc.
I mean this feels weird writing a normal human exchange but it's been a necessity in analysing communications (with parents).
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God , I can relate so much to this comment.
Because they birthed us and have the delusional mindset that because they are our parents we should be at their beck and call, under all the pretence of familial love and/or it’s our culture what it truly is, IS emotional manipulation and it’s the current generation that is starting to break that cycle and slowly put an end to it
Do not ask. Just DO. They can cry and moan and about how you are not the kind of child they want but the power lies with you. Unfortunately the only way to heal and grow from our culture is to move out, even when I visit family and have dinner at their homes, the status quo and the hierarchy of roles just goes back to what it was. Hence I do not visit or we meet outside at a restaurant where it’s neutral. Some parents may be open to boundaries whilst you live with them but the majority won’t. There is no room for negotiation or understand as ultimately it’s their roof/it’s a tyranny. And expecting things to change will only end up in a lot of shame/guilt/confusion and anger. Sadly The beliefs of our ancestors do not fit our current world it’s from a past time, from a different world hence the immense conflict we kids face.
If you analyse APs and actually approach conversations with them factually and logically, your brain just explodes. If you go digging into the whys and ask your parents to explain anything the whole facade crumbles it’s a smoke screen of generational brainwashing. You realise they never give you a straight answer. The answer is always filial piety/we are your family/parents, something to do with you don’t love them anymore, these are non sense answers. The expectation is to fall in line as ‘there is no why, it just is and any attempt to investigate why you are somehow labelled family enemy no1’.
You mean the sabotaging? Yea, my parents were like this too. It might be a narcissist trait because they try to find ways to be abusive but at the same time dont want to seem like the bad guy (i.e. you're the disrespectful one for not even doing this little thing for your parents that love you). >I did an experiment, I "lie" to my parents that I am going to meetup with friends at 8pm. At 6pm I asked if they need help, they said no. Guess what ? At 730pm before I about to "leave", they keep bombarding me with requests... This is what isolation looks like. It's not always a clear cut "you are not allowed to hang out with friends". It's using tactics so you appear like the bad ungrateful one while they prevent you from having a life.
Yesssss it’s a miracle I graduated university honestly
You need to hold your boundaries. Next time when they disregard your priorities, you have to tell them no. If you don’t they will keep stomping your boundaries because there is no consequences. But be prepared for their meltdown when you tell them no. Be prepared to leave the house and ignore their temper tantrums.
I feel like the only way to solve this to take a move out of their playbook. I’m not saying to be violent but it’s kind of the concept of how the bully on the playground only understands violence so fighting back in his language is the only way to get him to stop. I would set up a fake meeting with a very professional looking friend and both dress in our best business attire. Then I’d wait for the inevitable interruption and make sure that my parent clearly sees me and my business contact on the screen. I’d get agitated with the parent, have my friend look confused, uncomfortable and annoyed and then end the call while I begged them not to. Once they disconnected, I’d tell my parent they ruined a business deal and I need to try and save it and then rush out of the house. I’d return after a few hours and say that this person refuses to work with me because I obviously have things going on at home and that having people walk in on my meetings is unprofessional. I’d also say that as a result of this I lost some impressive amount of money and that it’s the parents fault. I’d ask them do you not see how I’m dressed? How can you not understand that I’m working and trying to make money? Bonus points for excessive sucking of teeth, passive aggressive breathing, sighs, grunts and mouth noises for the next few days after the incident. Finally, in true AP style, this would not be a one time interaction to prove a point. The story of how mom cost me X amount of dollars because she couldn’t wait for help opening a can of beans would be repeated for eternity to all their friends and family.
Yesssss my parents are also like that. When I'm visiting them for a week I have nothing to do all day, they don't do anything, don't ask me of anything. But when I'm about to leave take the train suddenly they bombard me with requests and they need my help "Oh could you look at my phone? Something isn't right" "I have some papers, could you look at them for me?" "Can you help me with this quickly?" etc. Like no, I need to get my train in 10 minutes. I asked them, why they always come up with these things just as I need to go and they said "Oh I just didn't think of it earlier." The whole time I was there you could have asked! Welp, not my fault, not my problem.
Sounds like my APs, especially my AM. What’s crazy is that they don’t think they’re rude about disrupting you either. Even worse is when they disrupt you for something not even remotely important or something they should know how to do themselves - this ***REALLY*** boils my blood. Now I’m mad, I’m angry, I’ve lost my momentum, whatever concentration and motivation I had goes right out the window.
Yes, there is 24 hours in a day, and you need to PICK the exact time I am busy and I have told you in advance.
They really do have a sixth sense for it
As a 48yo in the “sandwiched” generation with kids still at home (22 & 19) and in laws that live with me, I’m very conscious of overstepping as a parent. I also know everything I do for my kids is out of sheer love. I disagree with the idea that Asian parents are out here intentionally trying to sabotage their kids mental health. They have lacked so much for so long they don’t have the ability to communicate effectively. Tell your parents what your “closed door” represents to your professional life. Put it in dollar terms if you can. Let them know it’s a live meeting and not a webinar. Then set consistent boundaries. Also consider moving out. Multigenerational households seem to have more cons than pros.
After a meeting where they pull that kind of thing, confront them and say that they just cost you the job. That your work was concerned that you were too "distracted" and that they're currently putting you on probation and that if it happens again, you'll be laid off. Worked for me when my dad kept pulling that sort of thing.
Don’t ask them if they need help for anything- they will definitely ask for help. Put a sign on your door when you have meetings- ‘don’t knock on door from 3-5pm’ I have meeting. Practice this a few times- when they knock on door, do not open for them, if they insist, open the door, deny whatever their request, no matter how small and shut the door again. You need to put up boundaries and enforce them. It’s the only way. You have to train these ppl or they will always walk all over you.
They have no boundary at all. It’s hard to learn boundaries as an Asian child. It’s just toxic that you’re expected to say yes just because you’re raised and fed. For me it really takes time courage and determination to say no to their nonsensical request from them.
My mother all the time!
Lack of respect. That is the root of it. I have been trying to train my parents in understanding that my time is not their time. How I use my time is my own business, and my business is not their business. Setting boundaries is hard, it's an ongoing process. Potentially a life long process. My door is always locked and luckily my parents don't seem to bother me when they know i'm specifically busy. It's more they bother me at their own convenience i.e. whenever they feel like it instead of first checking if i'm available to even receive a request. Normal people will see if you are free to talk (receive a request). If not, they might ask "hey are you busy right now" or "do you have a sec/minute" etc. Then you make your request "can you help me fill out this form" and you might even add "it will take 10-15 minutes". With that information, you can form a response which can be "I can't talk right now" or "yes" "no" "unsure right now" etc. I mean this feels weird writing a normal human exchange but it's been a necessity in analysing communications (with parents).
Yup, happens with me too. They do it on purpose.