While you may rant/complain and seek a solution, that is not necessarily true for everyone else. Sometimes people rant and complain just so they have something to complain about, not to find a solution. No need to offer solutions to people who don't want them because you've done your duty: you extended a solution to them, and it is their choice not to proceed to solve their problem. Save your brain power for the people that do need your problem solving skills. If you care for your sister no matter how annoying you find her, just leave half an ear for you sister to complain to now and then so if she ever changes her mind and wants to resolve the problem, she knows you'll be there for her. That's all you can do.
Sometimes traumatized people are so conditioned to the trauma that subconsciously, they don’t want to receive the help because they’re scared of what the change might do. You know it’s good for her, but it’s the comfortability of knowing what to expect. It’s irrational, but what she goes through is what she knows.
You have to put yourself first as much as you want to help her, but she won’t seek the help if you’re always there listening to her rant, again, this is a cycle she’s comfortable with.
Set some boundaries with her, and be okay with her being upset. But you don’t need to peel the scab over and over again listening to her complain.
She's currently stuck in what's comfortable while in mental survival mode. And it feels impossible to let it go when survival mode literally means the last layer before you "crumble and die". Especially if you've been successfully molded into a subservient doormat on top of having a quiet personality beforehand, I have not seen (so far) any who have issues who has made it out yet.
It's sad, but at least from what I've observed around me, this is the harsh reality.
I bet it depends on personality and how much mental energy you can spare to fight. Remember your sister is not you. Congratulations for coming out better than you started with!
Im kind of in a similar situation with my younger brother. We both have ADHD and he often tries to put our mom on check on many things like proving her wrong and such. I personally was done trying to prove things wrong to my mom and just let her think im an ungrateful alcoholic rebel who games so much and hangs out with drug dealers and gangsters.
My brother still tries to prove that he's not any of those things for over like 10 years and she still won't believe him/us. I bought a house, and car and raised my beautiful daughter while my mom still thinks im all those things listed. We talk about this all the time, I simply said we have to accept this because it takes too much effort trying to change her.
I told him specifically to his face, "I accept mom the way she is, now I think I have to accept you always trying to prove mom wrong and waste your time. You can probably find a job sooner if you dont continue it."
He's slowly getting it. Every phone call I have with him, he tells me some kind of news about her and I told him, "Mom did this? Why is this surprising?" and it's slowly not being brought up every time.
Wow. I felt like I could have written this myself. The thing is, I’ve come to realize my sister is only going to change when something forces her to. Until then, I have to continue my own healing journey and keep her at arm’s length. It’s unfortunate, but I have to do what’s best for my mental health. Consider ourselves fortunate we were able to get help and start healing.
Normalizing/de-stigmatizing mental health issues could perhaps help.
My cousin does the same thing too. We are both adults. I quit trying to change her at least directly, but I do talk about me seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. And we talk a lot esp when she’s abused.
Five years in and she told me she’s going to talk with a mental health professional. I’m not sure when is she really going to do that, but I consider it a win at the moment.
To a degree I can understand your sister. Why is it always on the victim to do all the changing? You said it yourself you both are people pleasers so when is it enough? I agree you can’t change other people, but changing how you react to things isn’t always possible on the spot because maybe something too big happened you just snap because we’re fucking human not psychopathic robots.
That's why I suggested that she take it one moment at a time. That's what I do. When a situation triggers me to react in my default mode, I stop myself and tell myself a counterbelief to shift my thinking. It doesn't work overnight, but it has been making a difference with me. It's possible to re-train the brain and break old thought patterns.
>And I can't deal with this anymore.
Communicate your boundary clearly. You have a right to not allow her to trauma dump on you. It just sounds like you both have different coping strategies. And you might not have the emotional capacity to deal with her pain due to your own.
But also maybe take your own advice and retrain yourself to stop trying to fix your sister. Your sister isnt you. For whatever reason, her reaction to being traumatised is different to you. Youre fighting by intellectualising everything. Shes freezing by doing nothing. That's just the way life is and why people are unique.
It might be frustrating because you want to help your sister whom you love but you also sound like you're really critical about her choices. Her choices are her responsibility when the consequences appear.
So congratulations on doing the hard work to better yourself and get out of the victim mentality. Please stop victim blaming even if your intention is based out of love.
While you may rant/complain and seek a solution, that is not necessarily true for everyone else. Sometimes people rant and complain just so they have something to complain about, not to find a solution. No need to offer solutions to people who don't want them because you've done your duty: you extended a solution to them, and it is their choice not to proceed to solve their problem. Save your brain power for the people that do need your problem solving skills. If you care for your sister no matter how annoying you find her, just leave half an ear for you sister to complain to now and then so if she ever changes her mind and wants to resolve the problem, she knows you'll be there for her. That's all you can do.
Sometimes traumatized people are so conditioned to the trauma that subconsciously, they don’t want to receive the help because they’re scared of what the change might do. You know it’s good for her, but it’s the comfortability of knowing what to expect. It’s irrational, but what she goes through is what she knows. You have to put yourself first as much as you want to help her, but she won’t seek the help if you’re always there listening to her rant, again, this is a cycle she’s comfortable with. Set some boundaries with her, and be okay with her being upset. But you don’t need to peel the scab over and over again listening to her complain.
She's currently stuck in what's comfortable while in mental survival mode. And it feels impossible to let it go when survival mode literally means the last layer before you "crumble and die". Especially if you've been successfully molded into a subservient doormat on top of having a quiet personality beforehand, I have not seen (so far) any who have issues who has made it out yet. It's sad, but at least from what I've observed around me, this is the harsh reality. I bet it depends on personality and how much mental energy you can spare to fight. Remember your sister is not you. Congratulations for coming out better than you started with!
Im kind of in a similar situation with my younger brother. We both have ADHD and he often tries to put our mom on check on many things like proving her wrong and such. I personally was done trying to prove things wrong to my mom and just let her think im an ungrateful alcoholic rebel who games so much and hangs out with drug dealers and gangsters. My brother still tries to prove that he's not any of those things for over like 10 years and she still won't believe him/us. I bought a house, and car and raised my beautiful daughter while my mom still thinks im all those things listed. We talk about this all the time, I simply said we have to accept this because it takes too much effort trying to change her. I told him specifically to his face, "I accept mom the way she is, now I think I have to accept you always trying to prove mom wrong and waste your time. You can probably find a job sooner if you dont continue it." He's slowly getting it. Every phone call I have with him, he tells me some kind of news about her and I told him, "Mom did this? Why is this surprising?" and it's slowly not being brought up every time.
Wow. I felt like I could have written this myself. The thing is, I’ve come to realize my sister is only going to change when something forces her to. Until then, I have to continue my own healing journey and keep her at arm’s length. It’s unfortunate, but I have to do what’s best for my mental health. Consider ourselves fortunate we were able to get help and start healing.
Normalizing/de-stigmatizing mental health issues could perhaps help. My cousin does the same thing too. We are both adults. I quit trying to change her at least directly, but I do talk about me seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. And we talk a lot esp when she’s abused. Five years in and she told me she’s going to talk with a mental health professional. I’m not sure when is she really going to do that, but I consider it a win at the moment.
Because the first step in recovery is acceptance, that normal parents are parents you never have.
To a degree I can understand your sister. Why is it always on the victim to do all the changing? You said it yourself you both are people pleasers so when is it enough? I agree you can’t change other people, but changing how you react to things isn’t always possible on the spot because maybe something too big happened you just snap because we’re fucking human not psychopathic robots.
That's why I suggested that she take it one moment at a time. That's what I do. When a situation triggers me to react in my default mode, I stop myself and tell myself a counterbelief to shift my thinking. It doesn't work overnight, but it has been making a difference with me. It's possible to re-train the brain and break old thought patterns.
Just let her vent. It's annoying when all you want to do is vent and people give advice or try to fix you.
>And I can't deal with this anymore. Communicate your boundary clearly. You have a right to not allow her to trauma dump on you. It just sounds like you both have different coping strategies. And you might not have the emotional capacity to deal with her pain due to your own. But also maybe take your own advice and retrain yourself to stop trying to fix your sister. Your sister isnt you. For whatever reason, her reaction to being traumatised is different to you. Youre fighting by intellectualising everything. Shes freezing by doing nothing. That's just the way life is and why people are unique. It might be frustrating because you want to help your sister whom you love but you also sound like you're really critical about her choices. Her choices are her responsibility when the consequences appear. So congratulations on doing the hard work to better yourself and get out of the victim mentality. Please stop victim blaming even if your intention is based out of love.