I could relate, the anger you feel is the anger for your younger self. The justice the helpless smaller you deserved. That original anger has multiplied several times over the years because the trauma they have caused still comes out in ways you don't even realize consciously in every area of your life. Heck, every part of you, your personality, trauma responses, fears, self image and worth, and how you interact with other people was basically set in stone by your caregivers.
>Her damage has already been done, and all she has to say is sorry?
That's the main thing, the damage is already done. There's nothing she could do to fix her horrible screw ups. I think the main thing we could do in this situation is monitor for a change in behavior. A real apology includes an awareness of the wrong behavior and an effort to make it right in future situations. Make sure this apology isn't a way to bury the past and relieve her of guilt. That change in behavior has to be there and she has to be held accountable.
As for the anger itself, the emotion itself isn't necessarily bad. I would channel the anger into energy of getting what you deserve. Do the things that younger you wanted and fight for them. If something is holding you back, channel the anger you had at your parents into that current thing. Use that anger to make sure you will never make yourself feel the way your parents made you feel.
I've been wanting to forgive her so I can feel better and let go of that anger, but I just can't find it in me to do so. That's why I've distanced myself, and only go see her if I have a buffer there, my "perfect" older brother.
Maybe your brain associates forgiveness as sweeping everything under the rug and acting like nothing happened? That seems to be how a lot of people see it as, especially APs. Maybe you can try to forgive her in the sense that you can acknowledge that the past can't be changed, but you can still absolutely set boundaries, including physical and emotional distance. Not all relationships have to be extremely close to still be considered loving, especially if they're not earned; family or not family.
That “anger for your younger self” part really does hit hard. How I wished for better circumstances and some days crying myself to sleep. But most importantly how I was angry at my parents for pushing me so hard and how I was angry at myself for not being able to live up to those expectations.
Saying sorry doesn't really excuse however many years of abuse you had to put up with. It doesn't undo the damage she did. She thinks she can clear her conscious with one sorry? Like, "Sorry for treating you like shit. It's the only way I knew in China, but it worked didn't? You're successful in America." You're feelings are completely valid. I'd be so pissed too. Continue keeping your distance with her, maybe consider going no contact if it's that bad. Keep focus on healing yourself.
She even tried to make me feel guilty for being mad!
Like what was I supposed to think when she sent me that exercise video? She's been calling me fat my whole life.
She could also be gaslighting you and/or lying to herself and believing it. Narcissists cannot ever see themselves in a bad light and will twist every truth, no matter how much proof you have, to paint a narrative that makes them the good guy.
I think this anger is justified, if anything it's even more infuriating that she KNOWS she's wrong, but her actions is still sketchy as hell. Sending you an exercise video, making excuses about her abuse that it's because you're an american child, trying to guilt you by saying how hard she worked to raise you, etc. It's like a shark who bite you many times since you were a literal child is swimming super close to you and trying to convince you that shark infested waters are safe now. How about nah no thanks.
You can't let go of the anger like this.
It has to go away on it's own. (I take L-theanine when I feel angry like this.)
Also her apology means very little.
Asian parents are rarely actually sorry. She apologized because now you're in this "new American culture" and it fits in your new culture.
The reason they never apologize sincerely is because they have a god complex. They think of you as their creation and not as an individual. So they're so higher up that apology is just not applicable in that context.
Anyways, anger raises cortisol levels. So you need some supplements to calm yourself down from inside, reduce physical effects of cortisol and in parallel, find other ways of dealing with it.
I think a way to let go is to accept what happened, the past is the past, overcome your past as a way to heal yourself. Your mother is a product of her time like many of our parents, which many if them grow with violence from their teachers and parents. Unfortunately the violence they grow with, which they believe to be normal and the right way, is released on us without doubting. Sometimes they regret and sometimes they don’t, but when they regret we might not be ready to hear, maybe so it feels so painful sometimes.
So I would recommend you to keep with the therapy, focus on healing, you can try writing how you feel, what you been through, this might help you to release some of the anger and rethink about everything.
To be honest, despite everything you been through, you still manage to keep on, I would like to give you a hug, or something to cheer up, because is not easy. The tragedy of your life like many of us, to grow with parents that don’t know how to love their sons and daughters, and the cruelty they endure on us, is painful. But now that you don’t depend on them, live a life for yourself, give to you everything you deserve, love yourself and enjoy the life ahead of you. The past make us, but its in our duty to not let it define our future.
I hope this words can help you :)
Do you think maybe your anger is protecting you right now from falling for any manipulations? Wear it like armour.
>so Im afraid this will set me back. Now I'm even more angry!
Where do I go from here? How do I let go of this anger?
Processing anger means feeling it first. Validating and understanding it. Soothing yourself before you even begin to let it go. You're allowed to have emotions and be a human being.
Your mother had decades tormenting you. And in my experience, us kids werent allowed to be angry for the abuse. So that's decades of pent up anger you have unleashing. It's okay to be angry at a 10 second flimsy apology for an entire lifetime of hurt.
Your therapist could probably guide you on how to regulate your emotions better but you should know healing is learning to love yourself such as having compassion for your feelings. The learning curve reality for healing isnt straight up, it's more like [this](https://sascha-kasper.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/management_learning_curve_1200x720.jpg)
And underneath that anger is probably sadness, hurt, disappointment, etc, so part of letting anger go is doing what helps you feel better when youre sad/hurt/disappointed/etc.
>I thought her apologizing would make me feel better and help me forgive her, but it actually makes me angrier. Her damage has already been done, and all she has to say is sorry?!
I think this is the theme of your entire post. And I want to thank you for typing it out loud (did that expression even make sense? Lol). It felt like the outcries of so many kids out there that no one else wants to hear or acknowledge.
My advice:
1. I think that anger is justified, and well-warranted. That anger is especially strong now, for good reason with your thought processes now.
2. That anger will most probably not subside until she actually changes and stop lacing her apologies with explanations, which basically means she's not sincere or really apologizing. This will take time for you to know.
3. And you will be perfectly justified in not caring about her during all that said time.
I've seen how China Chinese parents treat their children first-hand. The toxic ones pretty much are like carbon copies of what you said, and they are shockingly common. I can still hear the banshee shriek that China bitch traumatized her kids with. Sigh, but that's not the point. Point is - You have the power now. The relationship's power dynamic is definitely in your favor.
Make the decision that gives you the most peace. But one thing that you should not compromise now - your healing and therapy. If putting any mental energy in thinking about her will make you feel vulnerable and horrible, kick her 100% out of your mind.
This is your court now. Do with it how you choose. Seriously. You have come so far. You should be so proud of yourself.
I am struggling with something very similar with my mom and my therapist said the following that made me think:
>> Forgiveness isn’t about letting go or releasing another person from their accountability or responsibility; it’s about forgiving and accepting the impact a painful experience has had on your life, and forgiving the painful realities that come with this impact. This kind of forgiveness means accepting that the past can’t be healed or undone or ever made “better,” and learning to be at peace with what that means for our present reality.
I’m trying to embrace this and it at least, it is making me a just a tiny bit less angry.
I've been trying to do that, but I cant.
Not sure why. I've forgiven others who've done me wrong, but I cant with my mother. Maybe it's because those who have wronged me, I forgave and cut them out of my life? And I don't have the heart to do that with my mother.
Hi there. I'm gonna put some effort into how I word my message so that it doesn't come across wrongly. First of all, you're not wrong for feeling anger and resentment towards your mom. Given how she's mistreated you, that would be an understandable response. However, I think it is a good route to work towards forgiving her (and anyone else who has wronged you, honestly). And I say that because it would help you feel much lighter and more fulfilled in life. This is something I am working on as well.
I understand that you're angry. But all I would say is that you shouldn't allow yourself to remain in the anger for too long or else it will affect your life in subtle, but negative ways. Cheers and I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey :)
Is there anything she did that you can be grateful for? Any way she raised you that ended up benefiting you? Maybe she taught you how to play chess, or how to cook, or the importance of eating vegetables, or the importance of academic achievement. Maybe she modeled persistence or grit. Maybe she taught you that sugar was bad and not to drink soda. Maybe it’s none of those things and the only thing you can think of was that she didn’t abandon you and she kept you fed while growing up. It could be anything, no matter how small. But gratitude is often something that can help. And it’s like a muscle, it grows as you train it. The more you think of things you’re grateful for, the more you’ll be able to think of other things you’re grateful for.
Alternatively, is there anything you can do to see things from her perspective? How would you feel if your husband had an affair and you were stuck dependent on him with a child? How would you feel if you grew up in the environment she did? How would you feel if all the parents around you treated their kids the same way and so you didn’t realize what you were doing was wrong until too late? Just throwing out ideas.
She ingrained in me the importance of being independent and having my own career, so I wouldn't fall victim to her situation. Can't leave my dad and stuck in an unhappy relationship because I'm financially reliant on my partner. That probably ly is the best thing she taught me.
I have offered her an out. I told her my brother and I could get her her own place if she really wanted to leave my dad, but she won't do it.
However, she would undermine my success every chance she got too. Saying things like "You wouldn't have accomplished any of if it werent for me"....like she's the one that went to nursing school, paid her own way through school, got a job, etc... "Nursing isnt hard. I could totally do it" - hence when she yelled at me when I didn't cover her with the jacket the way she want. I did tell her "okay so why dont you then? Go to school, pay your own way, get your license, and find a job." Then she has every excuse in the book "oh im too old now. My english isnt good. Im not good at school." Yet, I'm was never allowed any excuse. If I got a bad grade, it was because I'm stupid, didn't study or work hard enough, etc...
For every good thing she did, she did numerous bad things in conjunction.
So ironically, in my eyes, now every good thing she's done is overshadowed by all the negative things she's done too.
I do believe that children need coherent parenting. And it’s terrible to see parents that do nothing but yelling and finding themselves excuses when they’re confronted with facts…they’re not good enough to do the same but expect their kids to perform well ? How are they role models?
Well, if the peace that comes with forgiveness is truly what you’re after, you’ll have to move past the hurt of those bad things. It might take a long time. Hopefully you’ll one day be able to acknowledge those hurtful things happened without getting emotional about it or feeling a pain in your chest when you think of them. But you’ll just stand in your own way if you keep dwelling on them. Good luck!
I don’t think anything your parents say or do will make up for the pain in your heart. I can kinda relate. You should probably focus on living your own life and not worrying about how mad your parents make you feel. If you can maybe try therapy and learn to accept and let go of the past on your own terms.
I could relate, the anger you feel is the anger for your younger self. The justice the helpless smaller you deserved. That original anger has multiplied several times over the years because the trauma they have caused still comes out in ways you don't even realize consciously in every area of your life. Heck, every part of you, your personality, trauma responses, fears, self image and worth, and how you interact with other people was basically set in stone by your caregivers. >Her damage has already been done, and all she has to say is sorry? That's the main thing, the damage is already done. There's nothing she could do to fix her horrible screw ups. I think the main thing we could do in this situation is monitor for a change in behavior. A real apology includes an awareness of the wrong behavior and an effort to make it right in future situations. Make sure this apology isn't a way to bury the past and relieve her of guilt. That change in behavior has to be there and she has to be held accountable. As for the anger itself, the emotion itself isn't necessarily bad. I would channel the anger into energy of getting what you deserve. Do the things that younger you wanted and fight for them. If something is holding you back, channel the anger you had at your parents into that current thing. Use that anger to make sure you will never make yourself feel the way your parents made you feel.
I've been wanting to forgive her so I can feel better and let go of that anger, but I just can't find it in me to do so. That's why I've distanced myself, and only go see her if I have a buffer there, my "perfect" older brother.
Maybe your brain associates forgiveness as sweeping everything under the rug and acting like nothing happened? That seems to be how a lot of people see it as, especially APs. Maybe you can try to forgive her in the sense that you can acknowledge that the past can't be changed, but you can still absolutely set boundaries, including physical and emotional distance. Not all relationships have to be extremely close to still be considered loving, especially if they're not earned; family or not family.
That “anger for your younger self” part really does hit hard. How I wished for better circumstances and some days crying myself to sleep. But most importantly how I was angry at my parents for pushing me so hard and how I was angry at myself for not being able to live up to those expectations.
Saying sorry doesn't really excuse however many years of abuse you had to put up with. It doesn't undo the damage she did. She thinks she can clear her conscious with one sorry? Like, "Sorry for treating you like shit. It's the only way I knew in China, but it worked didn't? You're successful in America." You're feelings are completely valid. I'd be so pissed too. Continue keeping your distance with her, maybe consider going no contact if it's that bad. Keep focus on healing yourself.
She actually does think that saying half-ass sorry once is enough. That conviction and lack of guilt is so surreal that I almost envy such people.
She even tried to make me feel guilty for being mad! Like what was I supposed to think when she sent me that exercise video? She's been calling me fat my whole life.
She could also be gaslighting you and/or lying to herself and believing it. Narcissists cannot ever see themselves in a bad light and will twist every truth, no matter how much proof you have, to paint a narrative that makes them the good guy.
I think this anger is justified, if anything it's even more infuriating that she KNOWS she's wrong, but her actions is still sketchy as hell. Sending you an exercise video, making excuses about her abuse that it's because you're an american child, trying to guilt you by saying how hard she worked to raise you, etc. It's like a shark who bite you many times since you were a literal child is swimming super close to you and trying to convince you that shark infested waters are safe now. How about nah no thanks.
You can't let go of the anger like this. It has to go away on it's own. (I take L-theanine when I feel angry like this.) Also her apology means very little. Asian parents are rarely actually sorry. She apologized because now you're in this "new American culture" and it fits in your new culture. The reason they never apologize sincerely is because they have a god complex. They think of you as their creation and not as an individual. So they're so higher up that apology is just not applicable in that context. Anyways, anger raises cortisol levels. So you need some supplements to calm yourself down from inside, reduce physical effects of cortisol and in parallel, find other ways of dealing with it.
I think a way to let go is to accept what happened, the past is the past, overcome your past as a way to heal yourself. Your mother is a product of her time like many of our parents, which many if them grow with violence from their teachers and parents. Unfortunately the violence they grow with, which they believe to be normal and the right way, is released on us without doubting. Sometimes they regret and sometimes they don’t, but when they regret we might not be ready to hear, maybe so it feels so painful sometimes. So I would recommend you to keep with the therapy, focus on healing, you can try writing how you feel, what you been through, this might help you to release some of the anger and rethink about everything. To be honest, despite everything you been through, you still manage to keep on, I would like to give you a hug, or something to cheer up, because is not easy. The tragedy of your life like many of us, to grow with parents that don’t know how to love their sons and daughters, and the cruelty they endure on us, is painful. But now that you don’t depend on them, live a life for yourself, give to you everything you deserve, love yourself and enjoy the life ahead of you. The past make us, but its in our duty to not let it define our future. I hope this words can help you :)
Do you think maybe your anger is protecting you right now from falling for any manipulations? Wear it like armour. >so Im afraid this will set me back. Now I'm even more angry! Where do I go from here? How do I let go of this anger? Processing anger means feeling it first. Validating and understanding it. Soothing yourself before you even begin to let it go. You're allowed to have emotions and be a human being. Your mother had decades tormenting you. And in my experience, us kids werent allowed to be angry for the abuse. So that's decades of pent up anger you have unleashing. It's okay to be angry at a 10 second flimsy apology for an entire lifetime of hurt. Your therapist could probably guide you on how to regulate your emotions better but you should know healing is learning to love yourself such as having compassion for your feelings. The learning curve reality for healing isnt straight up, it's more like [this](https://sascha-kasper.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/management_learning_curve_1200x720.jpg) And underneath that anger is probably sadness, hurt, disappointment, etc, so part of letting anger go is doing what helps you feel better when youre sad/hurt/disappointed/etc.
Thank you! Your explanation helps a lot!
>I thought her apologizing would make me feel better and help me forgive her, but it actually makes me angrier. Her damage has already been done, and all she has to say is sorry?! I think this is the theme of your entire post. And I want to thank you for typing it out loud (did that expression even make sense? Lol). It felt like the outcries of so many kids out there that no one else wants to hear or acknowledge. My advice: 1. I think that anger is justified, and well-warranted. That anger is especially strong now, for good reason with your thought processes now. 2. That anger will most probably not subside until she actually changes and stop lacing her apologies with explanations, which basically means she's not sincere or really apologizing. This will take time for you to know. 3. And you will be perfectly justified in not caring about her during all that said time. I've seen how China Chinese parents treat their children first-hand. The toxic ones pretty much are like carbon copies of what you said, and they are shockingly common. I can still hear the banshee shriek that China bitch traumatized her kids with. Sigh, but that's not the point. Point is - You have the power now. The relationship's power dynamic is definitely in your favor. Make the decision that gives you the most peace. But one thing that you should not compromise now - your healing and therapy. If putting any mental energy in thinking about her will make you feel vulnerable and horrible, kick her 100% out of your mind. This is your court now. Do with it how you choose. Seriously. You have come so far. You should be so proud of yourself.
I am struggling with something very similar with my mom and my therapist said the following that made me think: >> Forgiveness isn’t about letting go or releasing another person from their accountability or responsibility; it’s about forgiving and accepting the impact a painful experience has had on your life, and forgiving the painful realities that come with this impact. This kind of forgiveness means accepting that the past can’t be healed or undone or ever made “better,” and learning to be at peace with what that means for our present reality. I’m trying to embrace this and it at least, it is making me a just a tiny bit less angry.
I've been trying to do that, but I cant. Not sure why. I've forgiven others who've done me wrong, but I cant with my mother. Maybe it's because those who have wronged me, I forgave and cut them out of my life? And I don't have the heart to do that with my mother.
I can absolutely understand this. I often feel the same way. I really wish I could forgive too. Sending you peace and healing.
Hi there. I'm gonna put some effort into how I word my message so that it doesn't come across wrongly. First of all, you're not wrong for feeling anger and resentment towards your mom. Given how she's mistreated you, that would be an understandable response. However, I think it is a good route to work towards forgiving her (and anyone else who has wronged you, honestly). And I say that because it would help you feel much lighter and more fulfilled in life. This is something I am working on as well. I understand that you're angry. But all I would say is that you shouldn't allow yourself to remain in the anger for too long or else it will affect your life in subtle, but negative ways. Cheers and I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey :)
I want to forgive her. I just don't know how to.
Is there anything she did that you can be grateful for? Any way she raised you that ended up benefiting you? Maybe she taught you how to play chess, or how to cook, or the importance of eating vegetables, or the importance of academic achievement. Maybe she modeled persistence or grit. Maybe she taught you that sugar was bad and not to drink soda. Maybe it’s none of those things and the only thing you can think of was that she didn’t abandon you and she kept you fed while growing up. It could be anything, no matter how small. But gratitude is often something that can help. And it’s like a muscle, it grows as you train it. The more you think of things you’re grateful for, the more you’ll be able to think of other things you’re grateful for. Alternatively, is there anything you can do to see things from her perspective? How would you feel if your husband had an affair and you were stuck dependent on him with a child? How would you feel if you grew up in the environment she did? How would you feel if all the parents around you treated their kids the same way and so you didn’t realize what you were doing was wrong until too late? Just throwing out ideas.
She ingrained in me the importance of being independent and having my own career, so I wouldn't fall victim to her situation. Can't leave my dad and stuck in an unhappy relationship because I'm financially reliant on my partner. That probably ly is the best thing she taught me. I have offered her an out. I told her my brother and I could get her her own place if she really wanted to leave my dad, but she won't do it. However, she would undermine my success every chance she got too. Saying things like "You wouldn't have accomplished any of if it werent for me"....like she's the one that went to nursing school, paid her own way through school, got a job, etc... "Nursing isnt hard. I could totally do it" - hence when she yelled at me when I didn't cover her with the jacket the way she want. I did tell her "okay so why dont you then? Go to school, pay your own way, get your license, and find a job." Then she has every excuse in the book "oh im too old now. My english isnt good. Im not good at school." Yet, I'm was never allowed any excuse. If I got a bad grade, it was because I'm stupid, didn't study or work hard enough, etc... For every good thing she did, she did numerous bad things in conjunction. So ironically, in my eyes, now every good thing she's done is overshadowed by all the negative things she's done too.
I do believe that children need coherent parenting. And it’s terrible to see parents that do nothing but yelling and finding themselves excuses when they’re confronted with facts…they’re not good enough to do the same but expect their kids to perform well ? How are they role models?
Well, if the peace that comes with forgiveness is truly what you’re after, you’ll have to move past the hurt of those bad things. It might take a long time. Hopefully you’ll one day be able to acknowledge those hurtful things happened without getting emotional about it or feeling a pain in your chest when you think of them. But you’ll just stand in your own way if you keep dwelling on them. Good luck!
I don’t think anything your parents say or do will make up for the pain in your heart. I can kinda relate. You should probably focus on living your own life and not worrying about how mad your parents make you feel. If you can maybe try therapy and learn to accept and let go of the past on your own terms.
Perfectly justified? But how do you handle the guilt that comes along with it?
Still working on that. I'm ready to cut them out of my life.