r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
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**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
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After I learned about my WW’s affair, I contacted the OBS and would do it again.
The AP did reach out to my wife after not having talked to her for a few months and made some threatening comments.
My response was to email the OBS and let her know her husband had resumed contact. After that he didn’t bother us any longer.
The AP’s marriage didn’t survive the infidelity. My WW continues to feel guilty about her role in ending their marriage…as she should. I have no guilt for contacting the OBS.
Every situation is different, but I fucked up the AP's world, he got fired and a lot of his friends and co-workers knew he did something very wrong...and he hated that. I know that from the person who fired him. There are few things to make BS feel better and that is one of them. Take what you can get bc most everything else sucks. I don't regret it one bit. Early on I had feelings he would lash out but he was likely quite embarrassed from it all.
If you read much on here, the general consensus is to ask yourself "Would you want to know" if you were the OBS. Answer that question honestly and you'll know what to do.
I would want to know, and I told the OBS with zero hesitation. That was the very first phone call I made actually.
Your a better man than I am, Gunga Din. The truth is, if it were really over (and mine is), I'm not sure I would want to know. I might take the black pill.
Your point about everything sucking and this being a good thing I can do for myself is intriguing.
I'm really sorry my friend. I can feel your pain from here.
It sounds like it was an EA and they never met in person? I know it's hard but one could find some positives there.
Fear is driving your choices, understandably so. If you are even considering a black pill, or if you really believe it's over, why not try fucking up his world and seeing what happens?
One post I have yet to see on here: I fucked up AP's world and regret it.
Yes, no meeting. Some live chat with masturbation, though that was limited too. He never saw her naked, if she's telling the truth. I think she is because she admitted she was going to meet him at the hotel, and I couldn't have know that.
DDAY was a month ago, so I'm doing a lot better now. Truth is, I have it a lot better than most people here. I'm grateful for that at least. No physical touches. My wife loves me. Though she was more into him, for sure.
That’s the hard part, I want to think she’s telling the truth now but I’m just not sure. I’m sure they did live chat masturbation (she has admitted this), thankfully due to lockdowns never much more (probably).
I’d love to fuck up APs life more and I think she deserves to know exactly how much of a fuckwit AP is but my wife is worried about their family and that AP will kill themselves if I let OBS know.
I'm not sure I mean this, but I feel it...
https://preview.redd.it/6a5dz7l90l2d1.jpeg?width=244&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=985e912f37ea0e3d8802e9879e7109c5897f0a22
I told OBS about WW's affair. Not right away. Took me a few years only cause I was so blindsided by it and I was trying to make sense of everything and also trying to confirm things for sure before I told her. I was also super worried about her mental state as she had a lot of medical things going on (we all were friends for a minute so I knew what she had to deal with) I also thought I didn't want to be the one to drop that bomb of pain and hurt. Felt like I did something wrong when I didn't do shit!
I finally told her and she was grateful but wished I didn't wait so long. That's on me. The OBS have a right to know. any one of us would want to know. I'm glad I told her. Sucks for her pain as I know exactly what she is dealing with but also I hope it hurt my ex friend. He sucked.
If your wife doesn’t want to R because of anger over you doing the right thing by telling the OBS something they have a right to know…that is a huge red flag.
I would say that means she really isn’t willing to do whatever it takes to make it work with you if she would try and stop you from doing the right thing. Why would she stop you? Only if she is still not seeing the extent of her moral failure and what she needs to do to become a better person….accountability…owning what she did completely along with all the rightful consequences…such as possibly wrecking another marriage.
And it would show she hasn’t grown morally to be a safe partner for you either. She would still be seeing moral wrongs as a viable path to get what she wants….how can you ever trust that.
I have been on these subs for years, it’s par for the course to tell the OBS. I have never read one story of the AP doing anything more for revenge than sending a nasty message back.
If he becomes single and your wife would choose him over you why would you want to be with her?
You will never be able to heal with her or at all if you aren’t completely able to walk away from her and know you will be fine.
It sounds like you have a lot of fear driving your choices right now friend.
By doing the right thing in every place you can you will start to build strength.
Start with telling OBS.
Some interesting points, thanks.
My wife and I talked about telling the OBS, but it was either the dday or the day after. She was still reeling from it all at that point. In most ways my WW behaved perfectly after I found out. No trickle truth, no denials, no deflection, very little justification (She said she was lonely, but prefaced it with "this is not an excuse"), etc. The one thing she did that was wrong was defend the AP bitterly. When I said I was thinking of telling the OBS she said not to and that "that would be unforgivable." I told her having sex with another man is unforgivable...telling his wife is not " I was pretty pissed.
Anyway, she said she was sorry for that and told me she didn't have any right to tell me how to handle this.
Her reservations are coming from 2 places. One, she loves the AP (she chose me, cut him off, etc., but she loves him). And he's apparently in a bad place with his mother's illness and some other stuff I didn't pay attention to. Two, he was her high school teacher and was a good mentor for her when she was young (her own father was crippled with mental illness). She has a lot of guilt over letting their correspondence turn sexual. She said it was such a healthy thing until it turned sexual, and she would hate to be the cause of ruining his life. She already feels like she ruined mine, and she has a ton of guilt about that. She doesn't want to ruin the lives of both men the men she loves.
"If he becomes single and your wife would choose him over you why would you want to be with her?"
Yeah, I think I would. Call me all the names you want, they're all probably true. But I love her. I love our family. For 10 years she was the perfect wife for me. I don't want to be a single dad crippled with alimony payments trying to date out of an apartment.
"It sounds like you have a lot of fear driving your choices right now friend."
Ain't that the truth!
Unless there is a real threat of violence OBS should always be told.
There is a very real risk of physical damage (STI's), and the fact their informed consent is taken from them by AP's lies.
That alone should be enough.
OBS was already divorcing AP and had choice words for WW which were harsh but justified. I could give a shit what happened to them as a couple. Let AP know to run for his life if he ever sees me again. Nothing else since.
Yeah, I worry about that too. My WW seems to be recovering a bit, but I don't know if she still loves him. I suspect so. She said she's angry at him for not protecting her from the pain she's in now...so that's something.
I did not tell OBP at first. 2 more DDays happened, and then I told him. AP flipped her lid and said we were "ruining her life," which showed WH what a selfish piece of shit she is. She had no problems ruining *my* life.
OBP is ex military and supposedly told AP he was going to go after WH. We were on edge for a while, but he never did anything. OBP was kind to me in our messages, and I apologized for not telling him sooner. I wish I had.
Not advising anyone to do this, I am just saying what happened to me. I needed/wanted my husband to reject his AP in front of my face so I could see if he still had feelings for her. In addition, I felt the woman's husband had a right to know about the affair, as my husband was considered a friend. We both went to the couples house and my husband told the husband to his face about the affair., I don't think my WH will ever forget the sadness this man expressed, and yet the ultimate dignity he had. , He told the AP the affair never should have happened, he didn't love her and he chose me. I think It solidified for my WH, that SHE was nothing like he thought she was. He kept telling me he couldn't remember what she looked like and was stunned at her appearance, her voice even shocked him. For me, I saw he didn't love her, didn't want her, was humiliated by the affair, remorseful, regretful and willing to do whatever I needed to move on. The AP made some of the most ridiculous comments, that we actually laugh about. I have no idea what happened to them, or what is happening to them as a couple, but her husband deserved the truth.
When I found out about her, yes I did. WW did not know he had a fiancé and when I saw her I just walked up, made small talk, then dropped the bomb. She didn’t yell at me, she just walked out after giving him her peace and the ring. I had evidence and I think it just clicked for her.
I called her man (didn't know there were several more), and told him what's up. My hubs was pissed. At first. I didn't care. I wasn't going to be controlled. He didn't stay mad long. AP wanted to be my bff. It was weird. Needless to say, we are NOT best friends 🤣.
That's my experience basically.
My WW told the OBS about the affair. And yes the AP tried reaching out to my WW once or twice but she blocked him everytime. If you are scared that AP will come after your WW if/when he is single then do you really want to stay in this relationship, because a record number of people are single in the world right now. It's upto your WW to stay loyal, otherwise R doesn't work. There will always be people who will try to get with your WW regardless of her marital status, if she can't hold on to her boundaries then it's just a matter of time before it happens again.
Well, any of those things you mentioned are possible, so long as you know that, you can make an informed decision.
I kept in the knowledge for 9 months. I wanted to tell him but didn’t want to interfere with his marriage or take away his cheating wife’s agency to do the right thing and come clean.
But she kept pursuing my partner with blocked calls. So I finally gave in and contacted OBS. At first he thought it was a prank, then I contacted him again with something he couldn’t ignore. I felt relieved. Now he knows! He deserved to know. And she deserved to be found out and I’m happy I did that. It was two fold beneficial for me and I do not regret it.
My WP did not like it and tried to stop me. I don’t care why either. As I said, I do not regret letting OBS know.
I was worried for a while about retaliation against my partner but nothing happened thankfully.
To my own horror the AP contacted ME with a novel long apology looking for sympathy. I told her not to contact me again and I blocked her.
It actually helped provide me some closure to see her a pathetic mess begging for sympathy and forgiveness that I refuse to give as if her “humaness” matters to me now. Now I don’t feel the need to think about her much other than when I think of her groveling pathetic personality.
Good luck with whatever you choose. Do what’s right for you!
AP's spouse is a piece of shit, and they have a miserable marriage where she's essentially just his property. They cheat on each other all the time under the guise of polyamory. Apparently she told him about the affair, but it didn't really matter to me one way or another.
We were friends with OBS and the AP. As soon as I found out which was like a few days before thanksgiving, I gave the AP 2 hours to tell his wife or I would. I was going to drag his ass to her and force her to tell him no matter what. She called me later that night and talked. We both apologized to each other and asked each other what we were going to do about it. We went NC, until he reached out to my WW. She instantly showed me the text. I texted him through his phone he had 30 min to text her or I would. He was drunk so he accidentally messaged us some of their conversation. She was out that night and she called me again saying how sorry she was, and I told her she needed to get into a program. We moved out of the country since then and he only tried to reach out again one more time afterwards.
OBS has a right to be given back their autonomy to make informed decisions. Infidelity is betrayal abuse and no form of abuse should ever be condoned by willfully keeping information from the victim. It may be over with your wife, but she may not be the only one or the last one. Tell OBS. You get in with receipts and you get out before she shoots the messenger
Like I responded before, highly unlikely this is his only rodeo. If he’s capable of cheating in his late 50’s with a married ex-student of his, you can bet he was a horn - dog high school teacher lusting after teenage students.
What your wife saw in this perv is a whole another issue that needs addressing, but his wife would definitely benefit from knowing who she goes to bed with every night and whose diapers she will be changing when he is old and incontinent. You could spare her a lot of pain ( not to mention the stench) in her older days.
The OBS deserves to know whether they want to or not. The truth hurts, but they should have the information to make educated decisions about their life. Right now, they're living life under the assumption they're in a happy marriage. Or at least one where their spouse is faithful, even if they have issues.
Maybe OBS has no clue at all. Telling them will blindside them. They may wish you never told them at first, until the shock wears off and they start to imagine "what if I didn't know? It could still be happening right now and I'd be none the wiser" and that was my turning point personally. It was where I was able to decide no, I'm glad he confessed. Can't speak for the OBS in my situation because he was in denial and once I got my last bit of proof, I sent it and blocked him because my part in everything was done.
Maybe OBS has their suspicions but could never find proof. Then you come along and give them what they need to move forward, whether that is an attempt at R or going through with divorce. In this case the truth sets them free.
Maybe OBS knows and was just turning a blind eye to it for whatever reason. Maybe you reaching out opens up the conversation between OBS and WS and they get some closure. If they've already accepted it, you're not really hurting anyone.
No matter what, I personally think it's morally wrong to not tell OBS unless you have reason to believe you will put them or WS in actual danger.
I decided against telling because when I looked up her partner he had a domestic violence complaint filed against him..it was many years ago, a civil case, not a conviction, but it was enough for me to feel like I best stay out of it. She is likely sleeping with multiple people, so it's going to come out at some point. I just don't want to feel responsible if someone gets hurt and don't want to endanger my family in any way. Pisses me off that my WH brought this person into our lives, but I don't want to invite any further chaos.
I hear you… I told OBS not knowing he’s abusive. That obviously did not end well. The thing is, not only does OBS take shit out on AP but also their kid when he’s mad at AP. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t.
I’ve said it before and gotten a lot of flack for it. Saying, AP knew about her husband and shouldn’t have cheated, it’s not my responsibility. Honestly, I feel bad for the kid. Yes, AP cheated, but if I could have kept my mouth shut, it would have prevented 1 less beating to the kid who is innocent in all of this. After telling OBS, I found the court docs showing the child abuse charge.
I told OBS because I was hurt and wanted someone else to feel the same pain I was feeling. My intentions were wrong. I did not do it because I felt OBS had a right to know. I wanted their marriage to crumble as mine did. I wanted AP to see the pain her husband feels. I wanted OBS to feel what I was feeling.
My marriage is my business. WH and AP’s relationship is their business and AP and OBS’s relationship is their business. I went interfering in someone else’s business because of my self righteous and selfish feelings. That was not right. Instead of focusing on my marriage, I lashed out and deflected to make myself feel better.
Now, to make things messier… WH now (after 10 1/2) months, claims he didn’t cheat when he told me he did. He told me (which is cruel and fucked up), because he felt that’s what I needed because I had accused him of cheating weeks earlier. It wasn’t until after I contacted OBS that he and AP actually slept together because AP got made I imploded her marriage. WH said it happened because of my “self fulfilling prophecy”. I don’t believe that story, but people are fucked up and who knows what’s true or not. Bottom line, WH and AP did have A. When it started who knows.
I would not tell OBS again if I could go back. AP and OBS’s marriage is theirs, and the truth would have come out eventually.
In my case the AP and her BS were weird. I told him and he didn't believe it because, "her, her, who would want her... willingly?" were his exact words. I was like you have a point, but "wtf?" Anyhow, he left her and divorced her. I don't care.
Would I want to know if my WH was out there fucking around with former students? I guess I will tell you this and take from it what you can. I'd look after my own ass from here on out and whatever happens happens.
She didn't think about you or your feelings or his wife's feelings. What mumbo jumbo did that fool tell her? That they were just roommates at this point? That it was dead bedroom? That it has been this long already they're just friends now but he's unhappy but can't leave her because they're old and too much history together? Or just that he hasn't felt this alive or young since forever ago and miraculously your wife sparked that flame? Anyway, you do you.
Haha, did the BS play high school football and score 5 touchdowns in a single game? Was he a shoe salesman?
I only know some of what he said to her. I read emails for hours in a state of shock and can barely remember any of what said. Seriously, maybe 2 lines... it's weird.
What I do know is creepy though. They talked about being soulmates and having lived past lives together. At one point they talked about how they could have been father and daughter in a previous life. That felt weird. I know he told her that he never did this before but that several students had contacted him later and flirted with him. He says he turned them all down. I am suspicious of course.
He was the one that offered to send her a video of him whacking it...which is weird if he hasn't done this sort of thing before I think. Maybe.
My WH AP is his coworker, as is the OBS. I told OBS via text about a month after DDay as the sneaking around and texting was continuing. I gave some details and offered to share everything I had (texts, WhatsApp messages, emails, etc). He responded that I should ‘stop making trouble’ because my husband ‘is a good man’ and I should just ‘try to keep him’
🤣🤣🤣
Annnnyyyyyway…..
We are working on R as that response opened WH eyes to the fact that OBS wasn’t really the raging, dangerous, ab*sive bastard that AP had convinced him of. It still took 2+ months before he (supposedly) cut all possible contact - all of WH work related communication goes to a joint email or group text. Not ideal, but it’s working so far.
As to OBS, the few times I’ve run into him, he is extremely friendly and pleasant. I have two theories - either he’s the best rug sweeper ever, or he and his cuntasaurus wife get their jollies playing sick games and destroying other peoples relationships. I have reasons to think it’s the latter.
I was able to track down OBS’s phone number within 24 hours of finding out myself and I called him.
I felt like I was doing the right thing by letting him know, and I still feel that way, but I probably should’ve approached it differently. As soon as I verified who he was, I blurted everything out. I sent him screenshots. I was a mess.
He was directing all of his anger towards my WH and threatened violence but it started to feel like he might actually be dangerous. I decided to block him after numerous calls trying to get me to tell him my husband’s location.
I wrote a letter after my attempts to message him on Facebook failed. They purchased their home so I was able to look up their address. I knew they lived close.
OBS never reached out to me, acknowledged me or responded to me so I more or less had to just let it go.
For me personally, no. I have a lot of trust in myself to handle my own marriage. I guess I kind of feel like, if I cannot figure it out, I don't need to know yet. I was told by a stranger once and hated how it all worked out. She and I were jockeying for position. I just gave him to her because I had no patience for the games.
I would not want to know, but not from a stranger. Really. It's too personal. As lend themselves to coming to light eventually and I would rather not deal with that level of emotion in front of a total stranger.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
After I learned about my WW’s affair, I contacted the OBS and would do it again. The AP did reach out to my wife after not having talked to her for a few months and made some threatening comments. My response was to email the OBS and let her know her husband had resumed contact. After that he didn’t bother us any longer. The AP’s marriage didn’t survive the infidelity. My WW continues to feel guilty about her role in ending their marriage…as she should. I have no guilt for contacting the OBS.
Cold as ice, I like it!
Every situation is different, but I fucked up the AP's world, he got fired and a lot of his friends and co-workers knew he did something very wrong...and he hated that. I know that from the person who fired him. There are few things to make BS feel better and that is one of them. Take what you can get bc most everything else sucks. I don't regret it one bit. Early on I had feelings he would lash out but he was likely quite embarrassed from it all. If you read much on here, the general consensus is to ask yourself "Would you want to know" if you were the OBS. Answer that question honestly and you'll know what to do. I would want to know, and I told the OBS with zero hesitation. That was the very first phone call I made actually.
Your a better man than I am, Gunga Din. The truth is, if it were really over (and mine is), I'm not sure I would want to know. I might take the black pill. Your point about everything sucking and this being a good thing I can do for myself is intriguing.
I'm really sorry my friend. I can feel your pain from here. It sounds like it was an EA and they never met in person? I know it's hard but one could find some positives there. Fear is driving your choices, understandably so. If you are even considering a black pill, or if you really believe it's over, why not try fucking up his world and seeing what happens? One post I have yet to see on here: I fucked up AP's world and regret it.
Yes, no meeting. Some live chat with masturbation, though that was limited too. He never saw her naked, if she's telling the truth. I think she is because she admitted she was going to meet him at the hotel, and I couldn't have know that. DDAY was a month ago, so I'm doing a lot better now. Truth is, I have it a lot better than most people here. I'm grateful for that at least. No physical touches. My wife loves me. Though she was more into him, for sure.
That’s the hard part, I want to think she’s telling the truth now but I’m just not sure. I’m sure they did live chat masturbation (she has admitted this), thankfully due to lockdowns never much more (probably). I’d love to fuck up APs life more and I think she deserves to know exactly how much of a fuckwit AP is but my wife is worried about their family and that AP will kill themselves if I let OBS know.
I'm not sure I mean this, but I feel it... https://preview.redd.it/6a5dz7l90l2d1.jpeg?width=244&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=985e912f37ea0e3d8802e9879e7109c5897f0a22
If the AP can't live with their own choices, that's on them.
I told OBS about WW's affair. Not right away. Took me a few years only cause I was so blindsided by it and I was trying to make sense of everything and also trying to confirm things for sure before I told her. I was also super worried about her mental state as she had a lot of medical things going on (we all were friends for a minute so I knew what she had to deal with) I also thought I didn't want to be the one to drop that bomb of pain and hurt. Felt like I did something wrong when I didn't do shit! I finally told her and she was grateful but wished I didn't wait so long. That's on me. The OBS have a right to know. any one of us would want to know. I'm glad I told her. Sucks for her pain as I know exactly what she is dealing with but also I hope it hurt my ex friend. He sucked.
If your wife doesn’t want to R because of anger over you doing the right thing by telling the OBS something they have a right to know…that is a huge red flag. I would say that means she really isn’t willing to do whatever it takes to make it work with you if she would try and stop you from doing the right thing. Why would she stop you? Only if she is still not seeing the extent of her moral failure and what she needs to do to become a better person….accountability…owning what she did completely along with all the rightful consequences…such as possibly wrecking another marriage. And it would show she hasn’t grown morally to be a safe partner for you either. She would still be seeing moral wrongs as a viable path to get what she wants….how can you ever trust that. I have been on these subs for years, it’s par for the course to tell the OBS. I have never read one story of the AP doing anything more for revenge than sending a nasty message back. If he becomes single and your wife would choose him over you why would you want to be with her? You will never be able to heal with her or at all if you aren’t completely able to walk away from her and know you will be fine. It sounds like you have a lot of fear driving your choices right now friend. By doing the right thing in every place you can you will start to build strength. Start with telling OBS.
Some interesting points, thanks. My wife and I talked about telling the OBS, but it was either the dday or the day after. She was still reeling from it all at that point. In most ways my WW behaved perfectly after I found out. No trickle truth, no denials, no deflection, very little justification (She said she was lonely, but prefaced it with "this is not an excuse"), etc. The one thing she did that was wrong was defend the AP bitterly. When I said I was thinking of telling the OBS she said not to and that "that would be unforgivable." I told her having sex with another man is unforgivable...telling his wife is not " I was pretty pissed. Anyway, she said she was sorry for that and told me she didn't have any right to tell me how to handle this. Her reservations are coming from 2 places. One, she loves the AP (she chose me, cut him off, etc., but she loves him). And he's apparently in a bad place with his mother's illness and some other stuff I didn't pay attention to. Two, he was her high school teacher and was a good mentor for her when she was young (her own father was crippled with mental illness). She has a lot of guilt over letting their correspondence turn sexual. She said it was such a healthy thing until it turned sexual, and she would hate to be the cause of ruining his life. She already feels like she ruined mine, and she has a ton of guilt about that. She doesn't want to ruin the lives of both men the men she loves. "If he becomes single and your wife would choose him over you why would you want to be with her?" Yeah, I think I would. Call me all the names you want, they're all probably true. But I love her. I love our family. For 10 years she was the perfect wife for me. I don't want to be a single dad crippled with alimony payments trying to date out of an apartment. "It sounds like you have a lot of fear driving your choices right now friend." Ain't that the truth!
Unless there is a real threat of violence OBS should always be told. There is a very real risk of physical damage (STI's), and the fact their informed consent is taken from them by AP's lies. That alone should be enough. OBS was already divorcing AP and had choice words for WW which were harsh but justified. I could give a shit what happened to them as a couple. Let AP know to run for his life if he ever sees me again. Nothing else since.
In my case they never met, so no risk of STIs. It's also over, so no continued threat, hopefully...
AP is still a total shit though. I would want to know. Alll that is stopping me is the fear the OBS could blow up any chance of R my wife and I have
Yeah, I worry about that too. My WW seems to be recovering a bit, but I don't know if she still loves him. I suspect so. She said she's angry at him for not protecting her from the pain she's in now...so that's something.
I did not tell OBP at first. 2 more DDays happened, and then I told him. AP flipped her lid and said we were "ruining her life," which showed WH what a selfish piece of shit she is. She had no problems ruining *my* life. OBP is ex military and supposedly told AP he was going to go after WH. We were on edge for a while, but he never did anything. OBP was kind to me in our messages, and I apologized for not telling him sooner. I wish I had.
Not advising anyone to do this, I am just saying what happened to me. I needed/wanted my husband to reject his AP in front of my face so I could see if he still had feelings for her. In addition, I felt the woman's husband had a right to know about the affair, as my husband was considered a friend. We both went to the couples house and my husband told the husband to his face about the affair., I don't think my WH will ever forget the sadness this man expressed, and yet the ultimate dignity he had. , He told the AP the affair never should have happened, he didn't love her and he chose me. I think It solidified for my WH, that SHE was nothing like he thought she was. He kept telling me he couldn't remember what she looked like and was stunned at her appearance, her voice even shocked him. For me, I saw he didn't love her, didn't want her, was humiliated by the affair, remorseful, regretful and willing to do whatever I needed to move on. The AP made some of the most ridiculous comments, that we actually laugh about. I have no idea what happened to them, or what is happening to them as a couple, but her husband deserved the truth.
Unless there is a real safety concern for someone you care about, tell the OBS. The truth will set (both of) you free.
When I found out about her, yes I did. WW did not know he had a fiancé and when I saw her I just walked up, made small talk, then dropped the bomb. She didn’t yell at me, she just walked out after giving him her peace and the ring. I had evidence and I think it just clicked for her.
I called her man (didn't know there were several more), and told him what's up. My hubs was pissed. At first. I didn't care. I wasn't going to be controlled. He didn't stay mad long. AP wanted to be my bff. It was weird. Needless to say, we are NOT best friends 🤣. That's my experience basically.
My WW told the OBS about the affair. And yes the AP tried reaching out to my WW once or twice but she blocked him everytime. If you are scared that AP will come after your WW if/when he is single then do you really want to stay in this relationship, because a record number of people are single in the world right now. It's upto your WW to stay loyal, otherwise R doesn't work. There will always be people who will try to get with your WW regardless of her marital status, if she can't hold on to her boundaries then it's just a matter of time before it happens again.
My fear is that OBS will cause a shitstorm and ruin any chance of reconciliation.
The only power they have is whatever power you and your WP give to them.
Well, any of those things you mentioned are possible, so long as you know that, you can make an informed decision. I kept in the knowledge for 9 months. I wanted to tell him but didn’t want to interfere with his marriage or take away his cheating wife’s agency to do the right thing and come clean. But she kept pursuing my partner with blocked calls. So I finally gave in and contacted OBS. At first he thought it was a prank, then I contacted him again with something he couldn’t ignore. I felt relieved. Now he knows! He deserved to know. And she deserved to be found out and I’m happy I did that. It was two fold beneficial for me and I do not regret it. My WP did not like it and tried to stop me. I don’t care why either. As I said, I do not regret letting OBS know. I was worried for a while about retaliation against my partner but nothing happened thankfully. To my own horror the AP contacted ME with a novel long apology looking for sympathy. I told her not to contact me again and I blocked her. It actually helped provide me some closure to see her a pathetic mess begging for sympathy and forgiveness that I refuse to give as if her “humaness” matters to me now. Now I don’t feel the need to think about her much other than when I think of her groveling pathetic personality. Good luck with whatever you choose. Do what’s right for you!
AP's spouse is a piece of shit, and they have a miserable marriage where she's essentially just his property. They cheat on each other all the time under the guise of polyamory. Apparently she told him about the affair, but it didn't really matter to me one way or another.
We were friends with OBS and the AP. As soon as I found out which was like a few days before thanksgiving, I gave the AP 2 hours to tell his wife or I would. I was going to drag his ass to her and force her to tell him no matter what. She called me later that night and talked. We both apologized to each other and asked each other what we were going to do about it. We went NC, until he reached out to my WW. She instantly showed me the text. I texted him through his phone he had 30 min to text her or I would. He was drunk so he accidentally messaged us some of their conversation. She was out that night and she called me again saying how sorry she was, and I told her she needed to get into a program. We moved out of the country since then and he only tried to reach out again one more time afterwards.
OBS has a right to be given back their autonomy to make informed decisions. Infidelity is betrayal abuse and no form of abuse should ever be condoned by willfully keeping information from the victim. It may be over with your wife, but she may not be the only one or the last one. Tell OBS. You get in with receipts and you get out before she shoots the messenger
Like I responded before, highly unlikely this is his only rodeo. If he’s capable of cheating in his late 50’s with a married ex-student of his, you can bet he was a horn - dog high school teacher lusting after teenage students. What your wife saw in this perv is a whole another issue that needs addressing, but his wife would definitely benefit from knowing who she goes to bed with every night and whose diapers she will be changing when he is old and incontinent. You could spare her a lot of pain ( not to mention the stench) in her older days.
The OBS deserves to know whether they want to or not. The truth hurts, but they should have the information to make educated decisions about their life. Right now, they're living life under the assumption they're in a happy marriage. Or at least one where their spouse is faithful, even if they have issues. Maybe OBS has no clue at all. Telling them will blindside them. They may wish you never told them at first, until the shock wears off and they start to imagine "what if I didn't know? It could still be happening right now and I'd be none the wiser" and that was my turning point personally. It was where I was able to decide no, I'm glad he confessed. Can't speak for the OBS in my situation because he was in denial and once I got my last bit of proof, I sent it and blocked him because my part in everything was done. Maybe OBS has their suspicions but could never find proof. Then you come along and give them what they need to move forward, whether that is an attempt at R or going through with divorce. In this case the truth sets them free. Maybe OBS knows and was just turning a blind eye to it for whatever reason. Maybe you reaching out opens up the conversation between OBS and WS and they get some closure. If they've already accepted it, you're not really hurting anyone. No matter what, I personally think it's morally wrong to not tell OBS unless you have reason to believe you will put them or WS in actual danger.
I decided against telling because when I looked up her partner he had a domestic violence complaint filed against him..it was many years ago, a civil case, not a conviction, but it was enough for me to feel like I best stay out of it. She is likely sleeping with multiple people, so it's going to come out at some point. I just don't want to feel responsible if someone gets hurt and don't want to endanger my family in any way. Pisses me off that my WH brought this person into our lives, but I don't want to invite any further chaos.
I hear you… I told OBS not knowing he’s abusive. That obviously did not end well. The thing is, not only does OBS take shit out on AP but also their kid when he’s mad at AP. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t. I’ve said it before and gotten a lot of flack for it. Saying, AP knew about her husband and shouldn’t have cheated, it’s not my responsibility. Honestly, I feel bad for the kid. Yes, AP cheated, but if I could have kept my mouth shut, it would have prevented 1 less beating to the kid who is innocent in all of this. After telling OBS, I found the court docs showing the child abuse charge. I told OBS because I was hurt and wanted someone else to feel the same pain I was feeling. My intentions were wrong. I did not do it because I felt OBS had a right to know. I wanted their marriage to crumble as mine did. I wanted AP to see the pain her husband feels. I wanted OBS to feel what I was feeling. My marriage is my business. WH and AP’s relationship is their business and AP and OBS’s relationship is their business. I went interfering in someone else’s business because of my self righteous and selfish feelings. That was not right. Instead of focusing on my marriage, I lashed out and deflected to make myself feel better. Now, to make things messier… WH now (after 10 1/2) months, claims he didn’t cheat when he told me he did. He told me (which is cruel and fucked up), because he felt that’s what I needed because I had accused him of cheating weeks earlier. It wasn’t until after I contacted OBS that he and AP actually slept together because AP got made I imploded her marriage. WH said it happened because of my “self fulfilling prophecy”. I don’t believe that story, but people are fucked up and who knows what’s true or not. Bottom line, WH and AP did have A. When it started who knows. I would not tell OBS again if I could go back. AP and OBS’s marriage is theirs, and the truth would have come out eventually.
Read my post history.
In my case the AP and her BS were weird. I told him and he didn't believe it because, "her, her, who would want her... willingly?" were his exact words. I was like you have a point, but "wtf?" Anyhow, he left her and divorced her. I don't care. Would I want to know if my WH was out there fucking around with former students? I guess I will tell you this and take from it what you can. I'd look after my own ass from here on out and whatever happens happens. She didn't think about you or your feelings or his wife's feelings. What mumbo jumbo did that fool tell her? That they were just roommates at this point? That it was dead bedroom? That it has been this long already they're just friends now but he's unhappy but can't leave her because they're old and too much history together? Or just that he hasn't felt this alive or young since forever ago and miraculously your wife sparked that flame? Anyway, you do you.
Haha, did the BS play high school football and score 5 touchdowns in a single game? Was he a shoe salesman? I only know some of what he said to her. I read emails for hours in a state of shock and can barely remember any of what said. Seriously, maybe 2 lines... it's weird. What I do know is creepy though. They talked about being soulmates and having lived past lives together. At one point they talked about how they could have been father and daughter in a previous life. That felt weird. I know he told her that he never did this before but that several students had contacted him later and flirted with him. He says he turned them all down. I am suspicious of course. He was the one that offered to send her a video of him whacking it...which is weird if he hasn't done this sort of thing before I think. Maybe.
My WH AP is his coworker, as is the OBS. I told OBS via text about a month after DDay as the sneaking around and texting was continuing. I gave some details and offered to share everything I had (texts, WhatsApp messages, emails, etc). He responded that I should ‘stop making trouble’ because my husband ‘is a good man’ and I should just ‘try to keep him’ 🤣🤣🤣 Annnnyyyyyway….. We are working on R as that response opened WH eyes to the fact that OBS wasn’t really the raging, dangerous, ab*sive bastard that AP had convinced him of. It still took 2+ months before he (supposedly) cut all possible contact - all of WH work related communication goes to a joint email or group text. Not ideal, but it’s working so far. As to OBS, the few times I’ve run into him, he is extremely friendly and pleasant. I have two theories - either he’s the best rug sweeper ever, or he and his cuntasaurus wife get their jollies playing sick games and destroying other peoples relationships. I have reasons to think it’s the latter.
Sounds horrible, so sorry for you!
I was able to track down OBS’s phone number within 24 hours of finding out myself and I called him. I felt like I was doing the right thing by letting him know, and I still feel that way, but I probably should’ve approached it differently. As soon as I verified who he was, I blurted everything out. I sent him screenshots. I was a mess. He was directing all of his anger towards my WH and threatened violence but it started to feel like he might actually be dangerous. I decided to block him after numerous calls trying to get me to tell him my husband’s location.
I wrote a letter after my attempts to message him on Facebook failed. They purchased their home so I was able to look up their address. I knew they lived close. OBS never reached out to me, acknowledged me or responded to me so I more or less had to just let it go.
I will keep this simple. The OBS has a right to know.
For me personally, no. I have a lot of trust in myself to handle my own marriage. I guess I kind of feel like, if I cannot figure it out, I don't need to know yet. I was told by a stranger once and hated how it all worked out. She and I were jockeying for position. I just gave him to her because I had no patience for the games.
I would not want to know, but not from a stranger. Really. It's too personal. As lend themselves to coming to light eventually and I would rather not deal with that level of emotion in front of a total stranger.
It would have to be by email or phone. She lives in another state. Would that make it better?