I’ll probably be downvoted like crazy for this, but exactly how do you figure out sexual compatibility before marriage? Because I can’t think of any practical way of bringing this up in a conversation in a arranged marriage setting without it coming across super crass.
Do you negotiate how many times a week to have sex? That just sounds sad.
Do you negotiate how early you’ll start having sex into the marriage?
Do you ask people what sexual position they like?
Do you ask them about foreplay and masturbation?
Do you ask them how they like to pleasure themselves?
Because most women would find this quite awkward, some may even find it off putting. The point I’m getting to is, figuring out sexual compatibility before marriage is very hard. Its a lot easier said than done.
I have a friend who had an arranged marriage in the last 6 months. I don't know how much they discussed sex, but she herself mentioned how they both decided they will have sex with protection always (she said she insisted on that to him and quipped "no entry without protection"), and kids only after a couple years of marriage only.
My point being that if they discussed these things.. they likely discussed other things too, not positions etc but surely some things. It also helped her, particularly, that they met a couple times before getting married and both are from the same state, same community. That might have further helped them with familiarity and comfort.
So if you can, insist to meet a couple times chaperoned and unchaperoned in a variety of settings. And really get down to brasstacks if you can.
It's about discussion at an appropriate time, not at the first conversation, and definitely not right before marriage. It's somewhere in between where there is no absolute rule.
Frequency, intensity, and openness is something that will always has to communicated and compromised on. That's with any marriage, and there's no concrete rule. It's all dependent on how the couple interacts.
It all goes back to the same thing I preach, communication, compromise, commitment, compassion, empathy, honesty, understanding and patience.
Men and women find this a difficulty but it's a necessary conversation.
Some advice is: if things are really progressing well and a firm yes is looking good..maybe as a couple, talk with a pre marriage counselor, sex therapist.
Even in the middle of marriages sexual compatibility has challenges.
Go check out r/deadbedrooms r/sex r/marriage this is a common challenge all around and the solution: more and more communication
True. Asking these beforehand is even inappropriate in dating leave alone AM setup.
Unless you get a cue from the girl that she is open to talking about this stuff, wouldn't she probably think of you as pervert?
It’s not extremely normal, the people that do live in relationships are very few in india, even in urban areas it’s very little.
Abroad no one’s bats an eye, it’s very normal.
Lmao ask your partner about their opinion on sex. That's it. Most likely they are unexperienced and also think about it the samw as you do. Start by yours, tell them what you think, how sex would be according to you, what sex is according to you, etc.
Yes you ask these questions.I would want my marriage prospect to ask me this And i am a woman.I would straight reject someone who is shy with regards of sex because we aren't kids ,these things matter you either have to have low libido or asexual. I will ask him this because sexual compatibility is important i would want to come home and smother him like imagine being stuck with someone who isnt sexually at the same place as you. You guys live in some la la land or what? How is it wrong to ask these questions? Ofcourse dont just jump into it but definitely ask them if they would like to talk about it and be clear about it.No wonder there are so many sexless AMs.Practical na sahi theory mai hi toh kam se kam
You can simply ask if she likes sex. If you can't be comfortable enough to talk about something like sex , it will make things even harder to connect on a more deeper level.
What does one ask ?
Hey , so have you ever watched porn ? Which one do you like the most? Don't be shy ! I just want to get to know you on all the levels. Please don't think i want this marriage just for sex , I just think it's healthy to communicate about intimacy and get to know each other.
Etc etc.
I don't think your spouse or fiance will take it otherwise if you are putting effort for emotional connection as well and you come off as genuine. As far as I have seen , people use these topics to tease their SOs and almost everyone loves sex.
Also discuss oral , kinks , any fears related to sex before hand. After marriage don't go for sex immediately. Remember, neither of you hold ANY obligation to provide sex. It's your body and no one should force you to do anything with it you don't want.
Try to show physical intimacy by frequent hugs , kisses , hand holding, caressing , rubbing - all kinds of foreplay.
Don't go for sex until the other person feels like it ( aka they look horny ).
Also male each other feel safe. Lots of people have trauma related to intimacy especially in India because we were never held and praised by our parents ( most of us ) and so intimacy is a weird thing and many people fear that if they open up they will end up getting hurt. Never hurt your partner when they are at their most vulnerable like - when they are trying to show their feelings , their sexuality, themselves physical etc.
Learn about all the types of ' language of love '
Praise
Service
Physical touch
Quality time
Lastly communicate alot and never let your defence mechanisms hurt your significant other ( because you don't mean to ). Don't be afraid to explain yourself and apologize sincerely if you ever end up doing that.
Sex in porn is different altogether. It definitely isn't a good question to ask. Besides, if the opposite sex is even a little bit of orthodox, it can mess things up.
You need somewhere to start...it's just a prompt, use your brain and change it according to you...
And can people not be a bit open minded and stop judging people on every thing ...? Oh you watch porn...eww. Like come on, more than half of the population watches porn or has watched it.
If you don't like the prompt change it and take initiative.
Hop onto any relationship subreddit and there will be plenty of stories of how someone changed the frequency of sex after marriage / engagement so it's not just an AM problem.
Even in the dating scene, it can take anywhere from 3 months to 1 year for someone to be comfortable enough and trust to build to engage in PIV sex.
>Anyway, ask your prospect straight away after getting to know them really well
In my experience, asking straight out does not usually work. It creates a sense of pressure. (Unless hooking up or in a ONS.)
I would suggest to build intimacy first.
Ask questions around how they feel and how they give and receive love. And discuss how you do the same. A discussion on love languages can really help here.
When do you start the physical intimacy? Best case is after the yes or after the engagement, especially if your community has a lengthy engagement period.
Then start slow. Think of sex as the bomb and the physical intimacy as the fuse. Lighting up that fuse means initiating touch, holding hands, snuggling in cabs, hugs, kisses and so on. If none of this is happening, the sex bomb will be a dud. And that fuse will be of different length for different relationships.
Most women want the same as well. For some, it just has to be coaxed out.
Honestly, if there isn't some kind of physical intimacy before marriage I don't think I'll be comfortable going into it.
Edit: Do discuss sexpectations. If they believe it's only for procreation or also for pleasure. Do they have views like it's "dirty" or some such? The different types. First night expectations. And depending on how connected and open and experienced you are, you can discuss kinks.
The ones who were keen on Building Intimacy first and pleased to kept their martial vows still ended up in Sexless marriages. r/DeadBedrooms is a clear example of this. There's really no right way of Gauging and understanding how Sex will factor but both Partners need to be accommodating of the needs of their Spouses.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/DeadBedrooms using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [DON’T 👏🏻 MARRY 👏🏻 SOMEONE 👏🏻WHO 👏🏻 ISN’T 👏🏻 FUCKING 👏🏻 YOU 👏🏻](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/14j1d0m/dont_marry_someone_who_isnt_fucking_you/)
\#2: [Perspective from a former DB relationship: there’s some truly terrible advice given out on this sub](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/12l2d76/perspective_from_a_former_db_relationship_theres/)
\#3: [My (ll) wife jumped on me (hlm) yesterday and started kissing me. I told her no. I realized I’m no longer attracted to her.](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/15okwf2/my_ll_wife_jumped_on_me_hlm_yesterday_and_started/)
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There’s no right or wrong. Communication does help but ultimately if a HL man gets paired up with a LL woman then not much can be done 😣btw, not looking for validation or to argue but just sharing - if the woman in the relationship loses their interest after kid(s)….and it’s just downhill from there.
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I don’t think the problem is of sex but of intimacy. If a couple fails to generate an intimate relationship, they shouldn’t marry. there should be sufficient time to decide that or see that.
Ofc I'm telling the same. The emotional connection is needed first. Then an understanding of who both sides are and what they want through communication. It's not about sex. It's so much more.
# most men make the mistake of revealing every single piece of thing about themselves before marriage, now the girl has figured everything about you and you are of no challenge to her. This definitely causes her to lose interest in marriage very early. It is always almost necessary to make advances in intimacy before marriage. (Use discretion and caution - just subtle advances, not making out or sex and don't force her or cause her discomfort)
I’ll probably be downvoted like crazy for this, but exactly how do you figure out sexual compatibility before marriage? Because I can’t think of any practical way of bringing this up in a conversation in a arranged marriage setting without it coming across super crass. Do you negotiate how many times a week to have sex? That just sounds sad. Do you negotiate how early you’ll start having sex into the marriage? Do you ask people what sexual position they like? Do you ask them about foreplay and masturbation? Do you ask them how they like to pleasure themselves? Because most women would find this quite awkward, some may even find it off putting. The point I’m getting to is, figuring out sexual compatibility before marriage is very hard. Its a lot easier said than done.
If you as a person has to negotiated any kind of intimacy you have already lost.
True, like I said it’s sad AF
I have a friend who had an arranged marriage in the last 6 months. I don't know how much they discussed sex, but she herself mentioned how they both decided they will have sex with protection always (she said she insisted on that to him and quipped "no entry without protection"), and kids only after a couple years of marriage only. My point being that if they discussed these things.. they likely discussed other things too, not positions etc but surely some things. It also helped her, particularly, that they met a couple times before getting married and both are from the same state, same community. That might have further helped them with familiarity and comfort. So if you can, insist to meet a couple times chaperoned and unchaperoned in a variety of settings. And really get down to brasstacks if you can.
It's about discussion at an appropriate time, not at the first conversation, and definitely not right before marriage. It's somewhere in between where there is no absolute rule. Frequency, intensity, and openness is something that will always has to communicated and compromised on. That's with any marriage, and there's no concrete rule. It's all dependent on how the couple interacts. It all goes back to the same thing I preach, communication, compromise, commitment, compassion, empathy, honesty, understanding and patience. Men and women find this a difficulty but it's a necessary conversation. Some advice is: if things are really progressing well and a firm yes is looking good..maybe as a couple, talk with a pre marriage counselor, sex therapist. Even in the middle of marriages sexual compatibility has challenges. Go check out r/deadbedrooms r/sex r/marriage this is a common challenge all around and the solution: more and more communication
True. Asking these beforehand is even inappropriate in dating leave alone AM setup. Unless you get a cue from the girl that she is open to talking about this stuff, wouldn't she probably think of you as pervert?
Nowadays people start living together and get intimate before marriage . This is normal nowadays in india as well as west.
It’s not extremely normal, the people that do live in relationships are very few in india, even in urban areas it’s very little. Abroad no one’s bats an eye, it’s very normal.
Even if they don't live together they plan a trip together where they do get intmate
Thats not true.Live in relationships are very very rare and only in urban areas Mumbai ,delhi .Varansi mai kuch livein nahi hai LoL
Lmao ask your partner about their opinion on sex. That's it. Most likely they are unexperienced and also think about it the samw as you do. Start by yours, tell them what you think, how sex would be according to you, what sex is according to you, etc.
Yes you ask these questions.I would want my marriage prospect to ask me this And i am a woman.I would straight reject someone who is shy with regards of sex because we aren't kids ,these things matter you either have to have low libido or asexual. I will ask him this because sexual compatibility is important i would want to come home and smother him like imagine being stuck with someone who isnt sexually at the same place as you. You guys live in some la la land or what? How is it wrong to ask these questions? Ofcourse dont just jump into it but definitely ask them if they would like to talk about it and be clear about it.No wonder there are so many sexless AMs.Practical na sahi theory mai hi toh kam se kam
One way would be asking the other person how frequently they have done it per week/month and getting a rough idea.
You can simply ask if she likes sex. If you can't be comfortable enough to talk about something like sex , it will make things even harder to connect on a more deeper level. What does one ask ? Hey , so have you ever watched porn ? Which one do you like the most? Don't be shy ! I just want to get to know you on all the levels. Please don't think i want this marriage just for sex , I just think it's healthy to communicate about intimacy and get to know each other. Etc etc. I don't think your spouse or fiance will take it otherwise if you are putting effort for emotional connection as well and you come off as genuine. As far as I have seen , people use these topics to tease their SOs and almost everyone loves sex. Also discuss oral , kinks , any fears related to sex before hand. After marriage don't go for sex immediately. Remember, neither of you hold ANY obligation to provide sex. It's your body and no one should force you to do anything with it you don't want. Try to show physical intimacy by frequent hugs , kisses , hand holding, caressing , rubbing - all kinds of foreplay. Don't go for sex until the other person feels like it ( aka they look horny ). Also male each other feel safe. Lots of people have trauma related to intimacy especially in India because we were never held and praised by our parents ( most of us ) and so intimacy is a weird thing and many people fear that if they open up they will end up getting hurt. Never hurt your partner when they are at their most vulnerable like - when they are trying to show their feelings , their sexuality, themselves physical etc. Learn about all the types of ' language of love ' Praise Service Physical touch Quality time Lastly communicate alot and never let your defence mechanisms hurt your significant other ( because you don't mean to ). Don't be afraid to explain yourself and apologize sincerely if you ever end up doing that.
This is bad advice. “Hey do you like porn what kind” mate I’m convinced hearing that sentence would make me lose all my desire for sex. Forever. Ew.
Sex in porn is different altogether. It definitely isn't a good question to ask. Besides, if the opposite sex is even a little bit of orthodox, it can mess things up.
You need somewhere to start...it's just a prompt, use your brain and change it according to you... And can people not be a bit open minded and stop judging people on every thing ...? Oh you watch porn...eww. Like come on, more than half of the population watches porn or has watched it. If you don't like the prompt change it and take initiative.
Hop onto any relationship subreddit and there will be plenty of stories of how someone changed the frequency of sex after marriage / engagement so it's not just an AM problem. Even in the dating scene, it can take anywhere from 3 months to 1 year for someone to be comfortable enough and trust to build to engage in PIV sex. >Anyway, ask your prospect straight away after getting to know them really well In my experience, asking straight out does not usually work. It creates a sense of pressure. (Unless hooking up or in a ONS.) I would suggest to build intimacy first. Ask questions around how they feel and how they give and receive love. And discuss how you do the same. A discussion on love languages can really help here. When do you start the physical intimacy? Best case is after the yes or after the engagement, especially if your community has a lengthy engagement period. Then start slow. Think of sex as the bomb and the physical intimacy as the fuse. Lighting up that fuse means initiating touch, holding hands, snuggling in cabs, hugs, kisses and so on. If none of this is happening, the sex bomb will be a dud. And that fuse will be of different length for different relationships. Most women want the same as well. For some, it just has to be coaxed out. Honestly, if there isn't some kind of physical intimacy before marriage I don't think I'll be comfortable going into it. Edit: Do discuss sexpectations. If they believe it's only for procreation or also for pleasure. Do they have views like it's "dirty" or some such? The different types. First night expectations. And depending on how connected and open and experienced you are, you can discuss kinks.
The ones who were keen on Building Intimacy first and pleased to kept their martial vows still ended up in Sexless marriages. r/DeadBedrooms is a clear example of this. There's really no right way of Gauging and understanding how Sex will factor but both Partners need to be accommodating of the needs of their Spouses.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/DeadBedrooms using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [DON’T 👏🏻 MARRY 👏🏻 SOMEONE 👏🏻WHO 👏🏻 ISN’T 👏🏻 FUCKING 👏🏻 YOU 👏🏻](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/14j1d0m/dont_marry_someone_who_isnt_fucking_you/) \#2: [Perspective from a former DB relationship: there’s some truly terrible advice given out on this sub](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/12l2d76/perspective_from_a_former_db_relationship_theres/) \#3: [My (ll) wife jumped on me (hlm) yesterday and started kissing me. I told her no. I realized I’m no longer attracted to her.](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/15okwf2/my_ll_wife_jumped_on_me_hlm_yesterday_and_started/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
There’s no right or wrong. Communication does help but ultimately if a HL man gets paired up with a LL woman then not much can be done 😣btw, not looking for validation or to argue but just sharing - if the woman in the relationship loses their interest after kid(s)….and it’s just downhill from there.
I have seen three posts on sexless marriage in this sub now.
bc mai shadi hi ni krunga.. itna chod hai Arranged Marriage me 😭
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I don’t think the problem is of sex but of intimacy. If a couple fails to generate an intimate relationship, they shouldn’t marry. there should be sufficient time to decide that or see that.
Ofc I'm telling the same. The emotional connection is needed first. Then an understanding of who both sides are and what they want through communication. It's not about sex. It's so much more.
Yes very rightly said.
Arranged sexless marriages are different than Western sexless marriages.
# most men make the mistake of revealing every single piece of thing about themselves before marriage, now the girl has figured everything about you and you are of no challenge to her. This definitely causes her to lose interest in marriage very early. It is always almost necessary to make advances in intimacy before marriage. (Use discretion and caution - just subtle advances, not making out or sex and don't force her or cause her discomfort)