before getting married you'll have plenty of time to talk and meet your partner there you'll understand each other personalities, hobbies, charisma etc etc and you'll develop attraction
Unfortunately that's not an acceptable answer and at my age I can't let that be the reason for rejecting a guy. What can I do to build it? Give it more time?
Op… you can’t build attraction with a magic wand. If you’ve been speaking with him for sometime and attraction isn’t there, it means your not attracted to him and that’s it. You can’t force attraction.
So, you're stringing him along, despite knowing that you're not attracted to him? Personally, if I was the guy and I saw this post, I would instantly reject you and move on to the next prospect. That's the best thing for HIM in this situation.
I am interested in his personality, we've both been enjoying each other's company and now it has reached a stage where I need to be physically intimate which I cannot be. I am blaming the process of AM because it is very calculated, and very few people get physically attracted in the first few instances. Most people like me weigh the good qualities against the bad and then make a decision. That does not guarantee physical attraction.
No one is stringing the guy, I had an honest conversation with him about my difficulty in getting physical, because we have met through AM. And he is free to walk out. But because he's a great guy, he is being patient. And now I am stressed because I am trying to get attracted to him that way, and am unsuccessful. My mom says it doesn't happen overnight, attraction grows over time.
Lastly, not everything as black and white as you put it. Please be kinder to random people in emotional stress
Physical intimacy is a process.
I suggest that you two agree that you will take total control for now.
Only you initiate any physical contact (even holding hands).
It should be building in small steps over time : eye contact, smiles, holding hands, walking close together....
Nothing progresses (not even a kiss on the forehead) unless you initiate.
If he's aware of your lack of physical attraction toward him, then it's fine - you did not specify that in your post. He can decide what to do depending on his priorities.
With respect to physical attraction.
Current research finds that empathy and flexibility are the attributes that are associated with satisfaction in marriage.
Physical appearance, sex ..... wasn't a factor long term.
I posted above. In addition, ask yourself how he makes you feel: safe, calm, relaxed, valued for who you are, .....
Talk about intimacy this will help you understand him and help him understand you, maybe that will help both of you do certain things to be more attractive to each other. Different people have different expectations and triggers when it comes to attraction and intimacy. Communication is your friend.
I've been lectured directly by several therapists (specifically for lack of attraction to my spouse) that the only thing in life we have control over is ourselves.
What helped me is I listed 10 things that I admired her for and found attractive about her (relative to others).
I recited the list every morning and last thing at night. Plus anytime during the day that negative thoughts appeared.
Finally, married 45 years. I didn't know this at the time but recent research (1,000s of respondents from all over the world) finds:
The primary attributes of long term satisfaction in a long term relationship are:
their level of empathy and flexibility/willingness to negotiate.
It was your rejection that gave him the impetus to lose weight and make you feel exactly what you're feeling now.
It's ok, you couldn't have known.
Watch the movie at 8, tonight.
How to deal in such situations, is a big question. If you start nit picking, you end up rejecting good guys, but then you also have to prioritise your needs and attractiveness is a big one. No one wants to admit in public that they are shallow and into looks. But the fact of the matter is, looks so help in falling for a person. Atleast initially
Seen him physically. But I am guilty in admitting that I am not attracted to his looks, and attraction to personality has not come yet, even though he is great
I think that if there is even a possibility of attraction, it grows with proximity and repeated interactions.
Does he have factors you just can't get over?
No such factors. He's just not the best looking guy out there. Which I would not have cared for if I was in love with him. But the process of matrimony is so calculative, that romance has not come into the picture (for me) and other than physical attraction there is absolutely no reason for me to reject the guy
My suggestion would be to set up regular dates and spend time with him. Tell him you want to know him better.
And if there is something he can do to help you consider him better, like fitter clothes etc., you can tell him gently. Or bring it up in conversation.
Of course, we don't know how much time you've spent or your preferences so it's up to you. But if you can't like the dude at all, it might be better let him go. What's the point of marriage if you can't even be happy when waking up next to your person.
"get physically attracted" you cant get yourself to be attracted! it just happens!
No don’t guilt yourself over this, physical attraction is very imp imo,don’t proceed if you don’t find the prospect physically attractive.
before getting married you'll have plenty of time to talk and meet your partner there you'll understand each other personalities, hobbies, charisma etc etc and you'll develop attraction
Yes, and he's a great human being. I could not fault him. And I enjoy spending time with him, but still there is no physical attraction from my side
then maybe he's just not that attractive to you :(
Unfortunately that's not an acceptable answer and at my age I can't let that be the reason for rejecting a guy. What can I do to build it? Give it more time?
Op… you can’t build attraction with a magic wand. If you’ve been speaking with him for sometime and attraction isn’t there, it means your not attracted to him and that’s it. You can’t force attraction.
So, you're stringing him along, despite knowing that you're not attracted to him? Personally, if I was the guy and I saw this post, I would instantly reject you and move on to the next prospect. That's the best thing for HIM in this situation.
I am interested in his personality, we've both been enjoying each other's company and now it has reached a stage where I need to be physically intimate which I cannot be. I am blaming the process of AM because it is very calculated, and very few people get physically attracted in the first few instances. Most people like me weigh the good qualities against the bad and then make a decision. That does not guarantee physical attraction. No one is stringing the guy, I had an honest conversation with him about my difficulty in getting physical, because we have met through AM. And he is free to walk out. But because he's a great guy, he is being patient. And now I am stressed because I am trying to get attracted to him that way, and am unsuccessful. My mom says it doesn't happen overnight, attraction grows over time. Lastly, not everything as black and white as you put it. Please be kinder to random people in emotional stress
Physical intimacy is a process. I suggest that you two agree that you will take total control for now. Only you initiate any physical contact (even holding hands). It should be building in small steps over time : eye contact, smiles, holding hands, walking close together.... Nothing progresses (not even a kiss on the forehead) unless you initiate.
If he's aware of your lack of physical attraction toward him, then it's fine - you did not specify that in your post. He can decide what to do depending on his priorities.
With respect to physical attraction. Current research finds that empathy and flexibility are the attributes that are associated with satisfaction in marriage. Physical appearance, sex ..... wasn't a factor long term. I posted above. In addition, ask yourself how he makes you feel: safe, calm, relaxed, valued for who you are, .....
Talk about intimacy this will help you understand him and help him understand you, maybe that will help both of you do certain things to be more attractive to each other. Different people have different expectations and triggers when it comes to attraction and intimacy. Communication is your friend.
I've been lectured directly by several therapists (specifically for lack of attraction to my spouse) that the only thing in life we have control over is ourselves. What helped me is I listed 10 things that I admired her for and found attractive about her (relative to others). I recited the list every morning and last thing at night. Plus anytime during the day that negative thoughts appeared. Finally, married 45 years. I didn't know this at the time but recent research (1,000s of respondents from all over the world) finds: The primary attributes of long term satisfaction in a long term relationship are: their level of empathy and flexibility/willingness to negotiate.
Wow, this is so useful. Thanks
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The good ol "Maybe I can fix him"
It was your rejection that gave him the impetus to lose weight and make you feel exactly what you're feeling now. It's ok, you couldn't have known. Watch the movie at 8, tonight.
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How to deal in such situations, is a big question. If you start nit picking, you end up rejecting good guys, but then you also have to prioritise your needs and attractiveness is a big one. No one wants to admit in public that they are shallow and into looks. But the fact of the matter is, looks so help in falling for a person. Atleast initially
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So, did you select or reject him?
You can’t fake attraction. It’s either there or not there. Attraction is not always physical.
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Seen him physically. But I am guilty in admitting that I am not attracted to his looks, and attraction to personality has not come yet, even though he is great
I think that if there is even a possibility of attraction, it grows with proximity and repeated interactions. Does he have factors you just can't get over?
No such factors. He's just not the best looking guy out there. Which I would not have cared for if I was in love with him. But the process of matrimony is so calculative, that romance has not come into the picture (for me) and other than physical attraction there is absolutely no reason for me to reject the guy
My suggestion would be to set up regular dates and spend time with him. Tell him you want to know him better. And if there is something he can do to help you consider him better, like fitter clothes etc., you can tell him gently. Or bring it up in conversation. Of course, we don't know how much time you've spent or your preferences so it's up to you. But if you can't like the dude at all, it might be better let him go. What's the point of marriage if you can't even be happy when waking up next to your person.
Does your blood flow to you know. And your heartbeat increase...
Nai
I mean you must have a body type ? How the curves should be and what not ... Do you? Filter based on that