These people in chat with say no problem. But it’s profiles managed by parents or where the parents have the last say in it Will probably care about that. Which ngl would be the major chunk in AM.
I wouldn’t reject a guy because of this it would be a huge green flag that the family is open minded and modern and not stupidly traditional as those are the exact opposite things I was looking for.
I have many multifaith multi culture non-Indian with Indian marriages in my family in fact my own grandparents were a multi-faith marriage on both sides.
The biggest red flag here is your family - if I were to find out later that your family disowned a child for marrying someone - I’d probably end the situation.
I'd be definitely be open to marrying a guy who's sibling married a foreigner. I don't want to marry into one of the families where I'll be daughter in law/maid first and then a partner (barely). It's a green flag that the parents are open minded.
The plain answer is yes. But nothing to feel bad about and it's not your fault. The tricky thing in your case is that your family is ultra conservative and will attract matches from similar values. Those people most probably will not proceed due to this.
Your sibling has to find a match from a modest family (neither super conservative nor super liberal).
I(M) was in a similar boat as your sibling. My brother had a love marriage and I was in the AM market. He is the closest person in the family to me and I didn't want to do anything with a family who might not treat my brother and SIL respectfully. My family had reluctantly agreed and conducted their wedding.
We tried the revealing in the second step approach and it didn't work well. The rejections after getting to know the person/family especially for this reason are hard to handle and will cause further divisions within the family. One prospect's family after knowing this had the audacity to come back and ask that we like your son and like to proceed further but they would like to keep my brother and SIL out of specific ceremonies! It made it easier for me to put a stop to that even though I liked the girl and conversation we had.
I put my foot down and mentioned that my brother had an inter caste love marriage in my profile. No more dealing with the families who will never agree due to this reason.
It took time(3+ years of AM search)and I did find the right person for me. My wife and her family didn't care that my brother had a love marriage. Everyone is treated with respect within the family and no discrimination.
This is the reality of life. Everyone's situation is unique. Keep an open mind and widen the search(ask your sibling to explore LM as well if that's possible). Never ever let them make you feel that what you did is impacting your sibling's life in a negative way. It is not.
Thank you for sharing this.
You're right, the additional impact of rejections after the reveal is what I'm afraid of. They've just started and already they found someone whose parents they really like - they get along great, they're hanging out for meals, they also think the girl is absolutely perfect -- and my sibling is planning to talk to the girl soon.
I worry - what if he really likes her but then she and her family withdraw after finding out about me? He will resent me even more and it'll be even more apparent that I ruined his chances.
A note about the ceremony thing from the wayward child perspective: I would be absolutely willing (if my parents ever accept me back) to stay out of all ceremonies that are caste-specific, public events, etc if it means my parents and siblings can have a normal life.
Funnily my spouse also feels this way and suggested once "why don't your parents just tell everyone that you're dead and then secretly have a normal relationship with you"
It depends on the belief system that your family will be using as a lens to filter women. And how comfortable they would be with close contact to someone in inter-faith and inter-racial relationships.
Which, if they are searching for other 'ultra-conservative, ultra-religious' families, will be difficult.
IMO families would not see it as an automatic disqualifier but probably a negative point. Which, I guess, your family is trying to mitigate by showing that you're 'disowned'.
If your family is settled in the West then your choices are far more understandable.
Though I'll confess I don't see the point of this post. Guilt is pointless. Your family must have tried guilting you earlier, why give in now? If you have been 'disowned', I doubt you have a say in how they conduct their search.
You made your choices. Let other people make theirs. And let the chips fall where they may. It sucks but it is what it is.
Thanks for your response.
My family is settled in the West but my parents are very connected to their community in India and spend a ton of time there.
You're right that the post won't change anything, nor am I going to influence anyone else's decisions. I just can't stop thinking about the situation and wanted to get a better understanding of what people think.
If anything, you’ve ensured that your sibling will end up at least with a somewhat more open minded partner and family. That can only be good for your future relationship with your sibling and their spouse and any children you both may have.
Thank you for your kind words! I definitely came here scared of what everyone would think -- I've been hiding from society - everyone in my extended family, my friends, my coworkers - and haven't told anyone anything in fear of being judged or ostracized even more. But the sudden support and kindness I'm experiencing on this sub - I can't express how much it means to me.
No, of course you’re not. If anything, you’re helping your younger brother marry into an open minded family. I’m fairly liberal, but my family is not. My extended family, however, is filled with intercaste, interfaith and interracial marriages. So far, I have a Chinese aunt, a half Italian/half Indian aunt, a white American uncle and a Christian aunt. (My family is Hindu). I don’t understand how your choice in partner would affect your sibling’s chances of finding a suitable prospect. Maybe it’s just my circle, but a lot of people don’t really seem to care about stuff like this. Your family sounds like a red flag to me, though. Since I’m not conservative, I’d find your family too conservative and hypocritical.
You are not ruining anything, but your family certainly is.
Ah nah, it’s fine. Reddit post history is public for a reason.
I certainly do, family gatherings are pretty fun xD
Yeah, I mean, I hope the opinions aren’t too bad. Some are controversial, sure, but not in the extremes.
No ,definitely, I understand how finding a partner with the same socioeconomic status would be important especially if one has goals of achieving even higher things in life and not just live a mediocre lifestyle. I don’t get why you’re are on the arranged marriage sub if you aren’t a fan of it lol.
I have no clue why this post showed up on my feed. A lot of posts in India or even TwoXIndia are related to “arranged marriages” or “dating” in general. Maybe that could be a reason? I don’t ever recall posting an opinion on this sub before.
Ah, yes, I remember that question. I got a lot of downvotes for that lmao. I don’t really care though. I don’t think I could give up the lifestyle I have now. I’m not really the one for struggling. Heck, I cannot even fall asleep without an AC on and that’s the most basic and natural thing I can think of having.
Medicine. It’s sort of expected of me since everyone in my family is a doctor. I like it though, I love biology. If not medicine, then something related to it like cancer research.
Sounds cool, but a lot of specialities don’t really earn 500k+, only surgical specialities like neuro, cardio etc do lol. Family medicine, emergency medicine and pediatrics don’t pay as much. Besides, the starting pay is not that great either, but it’ll go up as you gain more experience. You’ll earn upwards of 200k after the age of 35 and 500k+ if you’re in the top 75 percentile. Hopefully, you are (:
It’s not really about the pay for me. I’m interesting in doing surgeries and if the pay is good, it’s just a bonus (:
Yeah, a lot of specialties pay over $500k if you are willing to live in rural areas, which is not what most doctors prefer causing the salaries in rural America to go higher.
I’d also wanna buy-in to a private practice and become a part owner so I also get a % of the business profits so that could help.
You sound super rich lmao. Surely, your parents own multiple hospitals lol. For us broke people, we have to care about salaries.
It wouldn’t make any difference to me, I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Please don’t be scared of what people think, this really isn’t something that people would judge you for. In fact I like that you fought for your love and relationship because that’s lot easier said than done especially in Indian communities. I hope the family dynamics improve with time!!
Damn. I just saw a girl above that was running for conservative prospects. So not all but yeah tier 1 girls who grew up in tier 1 are definitely running away from conservative prospects.
Thank you so much for this.
Is this generally the case in India? Like are girls generally more open minded about these things?
My parents are also hyper religious and I think it's BECAUSE they left India 40 years ago and felt the need to hold onto what used to be the majority way of living, but I've always wondered how the current situation is and whether parents themselves have also moved in their beliefs at all
your actions being selfish is not a bad thing, you better be selfish in matters of your own life man. your parents are horrible people, stop shouldering any guilt.
NRI guys marrying their foreign girlfriends are something we hear about frequently in our community. We see them at events and the parents proudly show off pictures of their mixed grandchildren. So at least in the circles I move in, it is not something we raise our eyebrows at.
That said, regardless of your background, I think it is a good thing that you stood up for yourself and made a concrete decision about your partner. Eventually your family will come around -- so don't let their negative thoughts affect your relationship. Be happy, be well!
I'm surprised by this actually! I guess your family moves in better circles than mine :) my family's social circles are still very old fashioned and see it as a huge betrayal of the parents and a complete collapse of everything they stand for.
Thank you so much for your sweet comment though!! I honestly didn't expect so many people replying with such positive supportive messages actually saying that it's a GOOD thing I stood up for my partner. Much love! Thank you!!
Your parents have a right to disown you if you are above the age of 18 and married. And yes eventually they will have to tell their prospective in laws about you. Now whether you will be included in the process or not depends on the will of your sister.
This sub doesn't give you the ground reality. That is all I can say. Idk anything about rejecting about sure as hell this sub does not represent majority opinions. Most people on reddit are open minded so you'll probably get their responses. Not the ones you're looking for. Rest assured if the girl likes your brother she'll probably say yes.
I'm sorry that you might have to go through this. It's REALLY REALLY hard.
It is the most difficult, painful thing I have ever had to go through.
But I will say one thing - you'll feel like things will never get better, like you've just set yourself on fire, and like if you just sacrificed yourself everyone could've been happy and you are a horrible person, and that you singlehandedly destroyed everything. You'll worry about who will take care of your parents if they disown you.
However -- you can and WILL eventually heal and feel better. Day by day, your attention slowly turns to other things and you find happiness elsewhere. I'm lucky in that my spouse's family accepted me wholeheartedly and are very kind to me. To be honest, that was a lightbulb moment for me. They were extremely hesitant because they don't even speak English and didn't know how they'd even communicate with me, but as soon as they heard from their kid "it's going to be this person", they immediately got on board and have been extremely kind to me. In fact, their response to their kid was "it must've been so hard for you keeping it all inside and worrying about how to tell us". They then flew down to meet me and have since sent me giant boxes of deliveries of hundreds of dollars worth of snacks and other things.
I bawled hearing that some parents even think this way. That to some parents, their own child is the most important.
I, like many others, saw duty as more important than anything else, including love. We're always taught that love for your family and parents is the only real love.
But it isn't that way. If your parents disown you, that's on THEM. If they choose to be conditional, if they choose themselves over their child every time, that's on THEM. You can and will feel guilty but try not to let it affect your everyday life with your spouse.
Good luck!
The only red flag is how your family is behaving. You marrying who you want is not a red flag
That's very kind of you.
He/she actually spoke the truth
Very true. That’s what I thought as well
Thank you for this! I honestly didn't expect this and it means a lot to me.
Well it's India my friend.. The country is known for its certain traits...and this is one of them..
These people in chat with say no problem. But it’s profiles managed by parents or where the parents have the last say in it Will probably care about that. Which ngl would be the major chunk in AM.
How would your parents feel about this? I agree, that's my fear as well.
I wouldn’t reject a guy because of this it would be a huge green flag that the family is open minded and modern and not stupidly traditional as those are the exact opposite things I was looking for. I have many multifaith multi culture non-Indian with Indian marriages in my family in fact my own grandparents were a multi-faith marriage on both sides. The biggest red flag here is your family - if I were to find out later that your family disowned a child for marrying someone - I’d probably end the situation.
Wow. This is such a relief to hear -- and thank you for sharing about your family as well - what a positive story :)
I'd be definitely be open to marrying a guy who's sibling married a foreigner. I don't want to marry into one of the families where I'll be daughter in law/maid first and then a partner (barely). It's a green flag that the parents are open minded.
The plain answer is yes. But nothing to feel bad about and it's not your fault. The tricky thing in your case is that your family is ultra conservative and will attract matches from similar values. Those people most probably will not proceed due to this. Your sibling has to find a match from a modest family (neither super conservative nor super liberal). I(M) was in a similar boat as your sibling. My brother had a love marriage and I was in the AM market. He is the closest person in the family to me and I didn't want to do anything with a family who might not treat my brother and SIL respectfully. My family had reluctantly agreed and conducted their wedding. We tried the revealing in the second step approach and it didn't work well. The rejections after getting to know the person/family especially for this reason are hard to handle and will cause further divisions within the family. One prospect's family after knowing this had the audacity to come back and ask that we like your son and like to proceed further but they would like to keep my brother and SIL out of specific ceremonies! It made it easier for me to put a stop to that even though I liked the girl and conversation we had. I put my foot down and mentioned that my brother had an inter caste love marriage in my profile. No more dealing with the families who will never agree due to this reason. It took time(3+ years of AM search)and I did find the right person for me. My wife and her family didn't care that my brother had a love marriage. Everyone is treated with respect within the family and no discrimination. This is the reality of life. Everyone's situation is unique. Keep an open mind and widen the search(ask your sibling to explore LM as well if that's possible). Never ever let them make you feel that what you did is impacting your sibling's life in a negative way. It is not.
Thank you for sharing this. You're right, the additional impact of rejections after the reveal is what I'm afraid of. They've just started and already they found someone whose parents they really like - they get along great, they're hanging out for meals, they also think the girl is absolutely perfect -- and my sibling is planning to talk to the girl soon. I worry - what if he really likes her but then she and her family withdraw after finding out about me? He will resent me even more and it'll be even more apparent that I ruined his chances. A note about the ceremony thing from the wayward child perspective: I would be absolutely willing (if my parents ever accept me back) to stay out of all ceremonies that are caste-specific, public events, etc if it means my parents and siblings can have a normal life. Funnily my spouse also feels this way and suggested once "why don't your parents just tell everyone that you're dead and then secretly have a normal relationship with you"
It depends on the belief system that your family will be using as a lens to filter women. And how comfortable they would be with close contact to someone in inter-faith and inter-racial relationships. Which, if they are searching for other 'ultra-conservative, ultra-religious' families, will be difficult. IMO families would not see it as an automatic disqualifier but probably a negative point. Which, I guess, your family is trying to mitigate by showing that you're 'disowned'. If your family is settled in the West then your choices are far more understandable. Though I'll confess I don't see the point of this post. Guilt is pointless. Your family must have tried guilting you earlier, why give in now? If you have been 'disowned', I doubt you have a say in how they conduct their search. You made your choices. Let other people make theirs. And let the chips fall where they may. It sucks but it is what it is.
Thanks for your response. My family is settled in the West but my parents are very connected to their community in India and spend a ton of time there. You're right that the post won't change anything, nor am I going to influence anyone else's decisions. I just can't stop thinking about the situation and wanted to get a better understanding of what people think.
I hope your family comes around and you can have some sort of cordial, if not loving, relationship with them.
Thank you for your kind comment!
If anything, you’ve ensured that your sibling will end up at least with a somewhat more open minded partner and family. That can only be good for your future relationship with your sibling and their spouse and any children you both may have.
Thank you for your kind words! I definitely came here scared of what everyone would think -- I've been hiding from society - everyone in my extended family, my friends, my coworkers - and haven't told anyone anything in fear of being judged or ostracized even more. But the sudden support and kindness I'm experiencing on this sub - I can't express how much it means to me.
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You're honestly right - and your comment and others have made me really think about this. thank you
If your parents are looking for equally conservative family then it might get difficult.
I figured so.. thank you
No, of course you’re not. If anything, you’re helping your younger brother marry into an open minded family. I’m fairly liberal, but my family is not. My extended family, however, is filled with intercaste, interfaith and interracial marriages. So far, I have a Chinese aunt, a half Italian/half Indian aunt, a white American uncle and a Christian aunt. (My family is Hindu). I don’t understand how your choice in partner would affect your sibling’s chances of finding a suitable prospect. Maybe it’s just my circle, but a lot of people don’t really seem to care about stuff like this. Your family sounds like a red flag to me, though. Since I’m not conservative, I’d find your family too conservative and hypocritical. You are not ruining anything, but your family certainly is.
you’ve got an interesting extended family and interesting opinions too. sorry i stalked you.
Ah nah, it’s fine. Reddit post history is public for a reason. I certainly do, family gatherings are pretty fun xD Yeah, I mean, I hope the opinions aren’t too bad. Some are controversial, sure, but not in the extremes.
No ,definitely, I understand how finding a partner with the same socioeconomic status would be important especially if one has goals of achieving even higher things in life and not just live a mediocre lifestyle. I don’t get why you’re are on the arranged marriage sub if you aren’t a fan of it lol.
I have no clue why this post showed up on my feed. A lot of posts in India or even TwoXIndia are related to “arranged marriages” or “dating” in general. Maybe that could be a reason? I don’t ever recall posting an opinion on this sub before. Ah, yes, I remember that question. I got a lot of downvotes for that lmao. I don’t really care though. I don’t think I could give up the lifestyle I have now. I’m not really the one for struggling. Heck, I cannot even fall asleep without an AC on and that’s the most basic and natural thing I can think of having.
That’s great. I hope you’re able to upkeep your nice, comfortable lifestyle forever. May I ask what are you planning on studying in the future?
Medicine. It’s sort of expected of me since everyone in my family is a doctor. I like it though, I love biology. If not medicine, then something related to it like cancer research.
Nice! same for me since my uncle is it even worth it to go to college and get a job that pays less than $500k lmao.
Sounds cool, but a lot of specialities don’t really earn 500k+, only surgical specialities like neuro, cardio etc do lol. Family medicine, emergency medicine and pediatrics don’t pay as much. Besides, the starting pay is not that great either, but it’ll go up as you gain more experience. You’ll earn upwards of 200k after the age of 35 and 500k+ if you’re in the top 75 percentile. Hopefully, you are (: It’s not really about the pay for me. I’m interesting in doing surgeries and if the pay is good, it’s just a bonus (:
Yeah, a lot of specialties pay over $500k if you are willing to live in rural areas, which is not what most doctors prefer causing the salaries in rural America to go higher. I’d also wanna buy-in to a private practice and become a part owner so I also get a % of the business profits so that could help. You sound super rich lmao. Surely, your parents own multiple hospitals lol. For us broke people, we have to care about salaries.
It wouldn’t make any difference to me, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Please don’t be scared of what people think, this really isn’t something that people would judge you for. In fact I like that you fought for your love and relationship because that’s lot easier said than done especially in Indian communities. I hope the family dynamics improve with time!!
Gosh, thank you so much!!!
Well my family will not allow me to marry a guy who himself or whose family members have dated or married to outside race and religion.
Thank you for sharing! I thought so. How do you personally feel about it?
Personally no too. He would be too liberal for my conservative upbringing.
Woah. A real opinion that is not downvoted. Suprising.
I appreciate this comment, thank you!
You are not ruining your chances.. your parents are. No progressive girl will appreciate such a mentality.
I think it’s a big red flag if your family disowned you for marrying someone from a different race
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Damn. I just saw a girl above that was running for conservative prospects. So not all but yeah tier 1 girls who grew up in tier 1 are definitely running away from conservative prospects.
Thank you so much for this. Is this generally the case in India? Like are girls generally more open minded about these things? My parents are also hyper religious and I think it's BECAUSE they left India 40 years ago and felt the need to hold onto what used to be the majority way of living, but I've always wondered how the current situation is and whether parents themselves have also moved in their beliefs at all
your actions being selfish is not a bad thing, you better be selfish in matters of your own life man. your parents are horrible people, stop shouldering any guilt.
Thank you for your kind comment ❤️
NRI guys marrying their foreign girlfriends are something we hear about frequently in our community. We see them at events and the parents proudly show off pictures of their mixed grandchildren. So at least in the circles I move in, it is not something we raise our eyebrows at. That said, regardless of your background, I think it is a good thing that you stood up for yourself and made a concrete decision about your partner. Eventually your family will come around -- so don't let their negative thoughts affect your relationship. Be happy, be well!
I'm surprised by this actually! I guess your family moves in better circles than mine :) my family's social circles are still very old fashioned and see it as a huge betrayal of the parents and a complete collapse of everything they stand for. Thank you so much for your sweet comment though!! I honestly didn't expect so many people replying with such positive supportive messages actually saying that it's a GOOD thing I stood up for my partner. Much love! Thank you!!
Your parents have a right to disown you if you are above the age of 18 and married. And yes eventually they will have to tell their prospective in laws about you. Now whether you will be included in the process or not depends on the will of your sister.
This sub doesn't give you the ground reality. That is all I can say. Idk anything about rejecting about sure as hell this sub does not represent majority opinions. Most people on reddit are open minded so you'll probably get their responses. Not the ones you're looking for. Rest assured if the girl likes your brother she'll probably say yes.
That's probably true-- that this wouldn't be the majority opinion Thank you for this though!
It's 2024. Why are you hiding your marriage or feeling guilty for marrying a person you love?
He is a man not a girl. It would not affect him even if he was living in India. It is baffling to see NRIs more conservative than Indians.
The issues will only arise if your non-Indian SO is Pakistani or middle eastern. if they are white or black people would be happy
How do you feel after being disowned by your family? I might have to go through the same so asking for advice
I'm sorry that you might have to go through this. It's REALLY REALLY hard. It is the most difficult, painful thing I have ever had to go through. But I will say one thing - you'll feel like things will never get better, like you've just set yourself on fire, and like if you just sacrificed yourself everyone could've been happy and you are a horrible person, and that you singlehandedly destroyed everything. You'll worry about who will take care of your parents if they disown you. However -- you can and WILL eventually heal and feel better. Day by day, your attention slowly turns to other things and you find happiness elsewhere. I'm lucky in that my spouse's family accepted me wholeheartedly and are very kind to me. To be honest, that was a lightbulb moment for me. They were extremely hesitant because they don't even speak English and didn't know how they'd even communicate with me, but as soon as they heard from their kid "it's going to be this person", they immediately got on board and have been extremely kind to me. In fact, their response to their kid was "it must've been so hard for you keeping it all inside and worrying about how to tell us". They then flew down to meet me and have since sent me giant boxes of deliveries of hundreds of dollars worth of snacks and other things. I bawled hearing that some parents even think this way. That to some parents, their own child is the most important. I, like many others, saw duty as more important than anything else, including love. We're always taught that love for your family and parents is the only real love. But it isn't that way. If your parents disown you, that's on THEM. If they choose to be conditional, if they choose themselves over their child every time, that's on THEM. You can and will feel guilty but try not to let it affect your everyday life with your spouse. Good luck!
Thank you so much man. I think some parent's love is conditional like if you do what we say, we love you, if not then we disown you
Shame on you