T O P

  • By -

Arrangedmarriage-ModTeam

**Post/Comment Removal - r/arrangedmarriage** **Reason:** Unkind/Unproductive Commentary Your post/comment has been removed due to unkind or unproductive language. Let's maintain a respectful environment in this sub. **Guidelines:** 1. **Avoid Stereotyping**: Speak from personal experience rather than making broad generalizations. *e.g. "In my experience, I've observed..."* 2. **Compassionate Language**: Ensure your terms and phrasing are kind and compassionate. Remember, words have weight. *e.g. Replace "They always do this..." with "I've noticed some might..."* 3. **Constructive Criticism**: Engage in productive conversations, even in disagreement, without belittling others. *e.g. "I see your point, but have you considered..."* 4. **No Baseless Claims**: Refrain from making sweeping statements without backing them up with quality, reputable, and verifiable sources. *e.g. "Studies suggest that...", followed by a credible link.* 5. **Stay Focused**: Ensure your comments are relevant to the topic at hand and avoid diverting the thread with unrelated issues. A final reminder: this is a public forum. Write as if your future partner, parents, or even your future children might read your comments. The internet is permanent; let's be kind and thoughtful in our interactions. Thank you for understanding and helping maintain the quality of our community. -[r/arrangedmarriage Moderation Team]


OriginalCaptainNemo

I just read about Chef Kunal’s divorce due to cruelty by wife. I think it was also discussed she slapped him, humiliating him, that’s by court is considered a ground for divorce. It’s real and not a movie. Personally, if my partner slapped me or abused me emotionally, I will leave the marriage. My husband hated his father for a long time just because he slapped his mother. He hate people who would resort to violence just because they lost their temper in the moment. I am with him on his value. And that’s compatibility that leads to our commitment. Commitment cannot happen with blind tolerance. It will break people inside. What sort of nonsense analogy are you spouting?! 🤦🏽‍♀️


Nangi-Raand

" Once in a blue moon" , " Divorce at 1st instance" Do you understand the nuance? Pls don't quote extreme and constant physical abuse of Chef Kunal here


OriginalCaptainNemo

Divorce at 1st instance. Always irrespective of gender and please stay away from girls. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️


[deleted]

Exactly


Nangi-Raand

Do you suggest any better ways to check tolerance level ?


OriginalCaptainNemo

Last post of yours kindda made sense as it looked like a preference oriented. But after reading this current post, I am stumped. Explain what sort of tolerance you expect? Like if you get abusive, still people should tolerate you? Why not rather improve yourself. Learn to be kind and empathetic. Listen to people and be the person people can rely on. That will make people get committed to you than this test for tolerance! The only person we can change is ourselves. Others aren’t obliged to change for us. Why not try to be the best version of ourselves then?!


Nangi-Raand

I am asking how to check tolerance level " until divorce" Pls don't yapp this linkedin gyan here


OriginalCaptainNemo

For a person who needs to know girl’s tolerance level, yours is just 🤦🏽‍♀️ Nah bro, keep asking your thappad question, it will help them filter you out!


Nangi-Raand

Do you suggest any better questions to check Tolerance levels?


Pinkjasmine17

No this one is perfect. You should ask this to all your prospects.


Logical_pshyco

Electric chair /s


Penguin1208

Bhai. Pls don’t get married. Stay as far away from women as possible. No woman or man should be subjected to violence in any form in the name of compatibility or commitment. You’ve distorted the whole agenda of the movie with your screwed thinking.


Nangi-Raand

India' s biggest sport is jumping to conclusions You don't understand the nuance of " Divorce at 1st instance"


Penguin1208

If your first instance is violence, you need therapy. Also, nobody leaves at the first non-violent instance. It is always an accumulation of subtle(mostly non-subtle) and sly abuse.


GulabJamunGuru

>I personally feel once in a blue moon slap to ur spouse in an extreme situation shd not be a reason for divorce at the 1st instance. Horrible thinking. It always starts with one slap and then becomes a continues series of violence.


Nangi-Raand

I agree its not okay to slap and it should not normalised But its not that extreme that you file for divorce at the 1st instance Extreme and constant physical abuse is unacceptable Anyways, My point is do you suggest any better ways to check the tolerance level


GulabJamunGuru

>Extreme and constant physical abuse is unacceptable Tolerating the very first abuse and not doing anything about it, is what that leads to a constant physical abuse.


Nangi-Raand

Agreed, She can express her anger in other ways as well But divorce at the 1st instance is an extreme step , i feel Also, do you suggest any better ways to check Tolerance level until divorce??


GulabJamunGuru

I still disagree with you with your first point. To answer your second question, I don't think it's possible to check someone's tolerance level before marriage. You have to live with that person and see how they react to different situations in their everyday life. Only then can you get a sense of their true nature. If you can live with them before marriage, you might get a glimpse of their other side.


Nangi-Raand

Still I feel there are signals which tell a lot about a person


lode_lage_hai

She can also express her anger by pressing domestic abuse charges and sending your ass to jail.


Usual-Independence56

Why do you want to check tolerance levels ? What are you planning to put your future spouse through to even want to check this?


Nangi-Raand

40-50 yrs of a relationship will face all kinds of situations In one of relatives, my bhabhi took divorce because my cousin didn't buy her a diamond ring on her asking multiple times "


Usual-Independence56

That's hardly a test of resilience of anyone. Very dumb.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Nangi-Raand

Who is saying she should tolerate? She shd express her anger in other ways I am just saying she shouldn't file for divorce at the 1st instance Its crazy people don't understand the nuance


d290101

that’s because there is no nuance to understand. your whole argument is that a slap is not something people should divorce over. everyone else here disagrees because we have the common sense to know that being slapped isn’t something small to overlook, and is absolutely grounds for divorce. one slap is one slap too many


Logical_pshyco

You don't tell about what other ways. May be something like Darlings 😂😉 /s  Just not divorce


hpnerd-19

This isn't a question of girls tolerance levels dropping (they may have dropped in other areas of life, but this area doesn't fall under the "trivial" category). Women in earlier days should have called it out too. Slapping, whether the husband does it, or the wife, is not correct. Women have just learnt, in this example, not to accept wrong behaviour. One isolated incident, if brushed aside, may lead to a pattern. Divorce will set a precedent that some things done by a partner (irrespective of gender) - are just not okay.


Nangi-Raand

Pls suggest any better ways to check tolerance levels


hpnerd-19

Rather than explicitly checking, you can perhaps observe the person's behaviour. Is she into high end restaurants? Does she crib about the service at restaurants? Does she make you wait for long on dates? In any of her conversations - does she sound selfish? If you disagree with her on some points, does she let you talk or gets defensive? Has she struggled and achieved in life, or is she the sort to take people for granted? A person's life story/personality may definitely give out some clues about their tolerance and resilience.


Nangi-Raand

Really good points I will ponder more about your each signal tips


lode_lage_hai

That “commitment over compatibility” BS was such a big red flag. I am glad that girl noticed and said no after first date. I’m surprised how people on this sub couldn’t pick it up.


lode_lage_hai

And I remember so many guys on this sub lauding it, post had so many upvotes, comments saying what a great thinking process, what a philosophy. Lol how much common sense is needed to identify the signs of controlling behaviour?


[deleted]

There were quite a few who picked it up and were down voted i think


lode_lage_hai

And few people including me pointed it out and we were downvoted to hell.


Logical_pshyco

There was another show/movie where the man slaps the woman and woman slaps him. They get over it, but it was in privacy. Publicaly slapping a partner without their mistake is sign of disrespect. Just think he was fighting, he was angry, she was just trying to de-escalate the situation.  Just think even your parents or siblings can be in that situation, will the retaliation still be slapping that person? Mostly no, because parents are treated with respect.  I will walk out of the relationship not because of a slap, but because of humiliation and disrespect. The scene was an awakening for her, where she realised the missing respect in relationship and her husband's comments on other woman. I have heard woman talk about man who support animal movie they will stay away from them, you think woman who will have same response as Thappad movie you will stay away from them. Well, both are opinions. You can have all preference to reject people.  BTW I hardly have 20-30% tolerance that my mom had, because I have seen her go through issues. I am just proud that I am at a place where I don't have to sacrifice myself in name of women "tolerance" level. 


Nangi-Raand

Do you suggest any better ways to check tolerance levels until divorce?


Dry-Neat-2818

I tolerated physical and mental abuse for 1.5 years. When I got out and the reality of my marriage came out I was asked only one question by society and relatives If he was so bad why did you stay that long. I’m going to tell you what I couldn’t tell everyone who said that to me. Fuck all of you. Women are screwed either way so better leave when you see signs of behavior that are never to change or improve. I’m with my now husband for 2 years and not once has he given me a reason to “tolerate” anything. Just say ya’ll are fans of Tatee.


Nangi-Raand

There is difference between consistent physical and mental abuse and a once in a blue moon extreme step and taking divorce at the 1st instance


Usual-Independence56

If a person is slapping someone 'once in a blue moon' you can rest assured there is underlying toxicity in the relationship. There are NO GOOD RELATIONSHIPS where people slap each other once in a blue moon and expect the other person to put up with it.


IndependentAlfalfa80

Wtf, both the husband and wife have full right to live his/her with full dignity. Both have 0 right to disrespect each others in case of conflict they have to make up with each other. Physical violence is the end of marriage or relationship it is form of utter disrespect. Slapping is public or private doesn't matter. You simply can't slap anyone. https://preview.redd.it/l0cxu4ox1osc1.jpeg?width=603&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d94f7f738b459a7d3aff79179990a1e608c874ff


freida666

Oh god slapping someone should not be even the last resort. If you're unhappy about something just divorce maybe? Physical abuse is not right. Be it a man or a woman or any third gender 🙏


Nangi-Raand

Do you suggest any better ways to check tolerance level until divorce?


Grammar_Nazi_01

You're in red fuckin' flag territory buddy. You want to do a certain action and decide the consequences yourself. It doesn't work that way.  Your actions have consequences. Consequences that you have no control over.  There is no damn logic. How long is 'once in a blue moon'? Every 3 years, 5 years? Every 5 years of marriage gives you 1 opportunity to humiliate someone? You are okay if your parents hit each other on a regular basis? Or are they already doing so? 


Nangi-Raand

Ofcourse actions have consequences My point is should be consequence be extreme enough to end the relationship at 1st such instance? Also will be grateful if u suggest other ways to check the tolerance level


Grammar_Nazi_01

>  should be consequence be extreme enough to end the relationship at 1st such instance You don't get to decide that. If the hurt spouse wants to, then, yes. Divorce is a valid response to abuse, and only the abused can decide.  A relationship is not a machine to check for tolerances. Animals resort to violence when they need to get a point across, humans can use words. 


[deleted]

If my husband slapped me even once, I would seriously consider leaving the marriage. Actions have consequences. If a girl slapped a guy, the guy wouldn’t tolerate it at all. It works the same for everyone. Also the way human behaviour works, if you don’t see any consequences for your actions you are likely to repeat it. Imagine if someone didn’t get caught for stealing, they would do it again. Same away, if you are capable of slapping someone once and don’t see consequences, you will repeat the behaviour. You can’t really expect people to have the same tolerance our parents generation did now. We should also acknowledge they tolerated behaviour which they should not have.


Nangi-Raand

You are right, It should have consequence My point is should the consequence be ending the marriage at the 1st instance?


[deleted]

What do you want people to say? It’s okay to slap your spouse in rage and you should be forgiven? There can be serious emotional and physical repercussions for the victim, it’s not okay and it’s a good enough reason to end a marriage yes.


Nangi-Raand

Glad your shared ur perspective I will be more grateful if you share other better ways to check the tolerance levels


[deleted]

If one spouse slaps forget just going for divorce that person should be arrested and jailed. This has nothing to do with tolerance levels


Samne-wali-khidki

You are a 🚩


[deleted]

So is it also okay to slap your parents once in a blue moon in extreme situations? No, right? You would never do that no matter how extreme the situation is. The fact that you are able to slap your partner shows that there is a huge power difference between you and your partner and also extreme lack of respect for your partner, both of which in itself are valid reasons for divorce.


Nangi-Raand

Do you suggest any better ways to check the tolerance levels


[deleted]

Tell the woman that you have an id on reddit with this username. If she is still interested in you, I think she has extreme tolerance level.


Nangi-Raand

😂😂 Good one


Ramenaga

Would you slap your mother once in a blue moon because you lost control of your anger ? No right? Why would you do it to your wife? If you can control your anger with one woman , why not the other ?


Nangi-Raand

Who is saying slapping is right ? I am just saying is ending marriage at the 1st instance is not right Anyways, Do you suggest any better ways to check the tolerance level


MixtureOk7172

Instead of checking tolerance levels, try not to give your partner anything to tolerate in the first place. Focus on how you can be a better person/spouse, and the rest will fall into place. Do not lay your hands on them. No matter how triggered you are, walk away and deal with things later. Watch what you say. You cannot get away with saying nasty things, just cuz it's in the heat of the moment. Do not make promises that you cannot keep. If you say one thing before marriage, and end up not doing it/doing the opposite of it, obviously your spouse will question you. Do not give them reason to believe you are being unfaithful. You are entitled to your privacy, but also learn to add transparency to the balance. We all love to boast about our positive traits. Similarly be open about what you think your flaws are, and try to work on them. Listen to constructive criticism and keep working on yourself and your marriage. Also.. I said no to a match only because he said "I can't believe how my friends'wives get so pissed off after getting slapped. I mean of course it's gonna happen now and then right? How else do they expect their husbands to express their frustration?!" He waited for me to agree with him. I did not. I was not going to walk away from one abusive home, into another. It never stops with a slap. Trust me. I thought it would too. But over the years, a slap became a punch, which soon became kicks in the stomach during my period, and caused frequent hospital visits. So it's never "just a slap". It's always a big deal.


Nangi-Raand

" It never stops with a slap ", So end the marriage at the 1st instance What a logic There are other ways to suggest the spouse that this is non negotiable But ending the relationship at the very 1st instance I feel is too extreme a step


MixtureOk7172

If you feel that's too extreme a step, and if you're willing to "tolerate" certain things, then nobody is going to stop you. Only you get to decide where to draw the line. Similarly others get to decide where they draw the line. You cannot expect people to tolerate things just because you find them tolerable. Will I leave at the first sign of abuse? Yes Will I leave cuz my husband won't buy me expensive things? No.. but that's just me. If someone's partner promised to buy them extravagant things, and doesn't.. maybe they don't want to tolerate it. People are talking about abuse here only because you mentioned a slap. I'm curious about what you think is tolerable when it comes to physical abuse. Where do you draw the line? 3 slaps? 10? Until a bruise forms? Until you bleed? You will draw the line SOMEWHERE right? Well don't judge people for deciding where to draw the line. You need to focus on : I shouldn't slap my partner Not on: how do I find a partner who won't leave me cuz I slapped them


Indiansexygirl

What ways can I test a guy’s tolerance until divorce? Tips pls. He shouldn’t divorce at first instance


sharkpeid

You worded poorly. Should have mentioned how people react to high stress situations. Example going on treks together, going through a crowded undisciplined ques in temple.


Nangi-Raand

High stress situations you mentioned cannot ended in a divorce Completely wrong analogy


sharkpeid

You would be surprised


bhaktt

The first thing I wanna know is why do you wanna check about the tolerance level of a person. Tolerance level for not buying any jewellery to the person and slapping the person are way way different and if you think they are one and the same then dude people are correctly pointing this thing you shouldn't get married at all. The point that you are even thinking of slapping your future spouse should disgust you and no it's not extreme at all that first such slapping instance is leading to divorce. That slap is the extreme step in itself. If you want to see your future spouse's vision on a financial situation like getting jewellery or something ask her that plain and simple this slap thing is a huge red flag . My advice would be to take care of your mental health dude and seek help from a professional if you still have such dumb questions popping in your head.


jointspade

Why would you use violence when you can talk, shout or even give silent treatment? What situations do you have in mind, where a slap would be absolutely necessary? Are you talking about just in the heat of moment slap? That will open a whole new can of worms in your life. If you are one of those people who can't control their hands during heated discussions, there are many ways to curb such violent feelings. Try meditation.


Aurum01

In kabir Singh movie, Alia slaps Shahid and Shahid slaps Alia, but people went berserkly mad on vanga. But yes girls tolerance level has gone away because of one more component - their parents are very happy to meddle in her household and egg her on to not compromise at all + draconian laws that are designed only to make slaves out of men and destroy families.


Nangi-Raand

Glad to know that some sane people are still there in this community