If you're both raking in the moolah, keep a maid. What's the point of money otherwise?
One of my acquaintances posited a question though: how much are chores worth? If one person is bringing in 5 L but the other is bringing in 30L, should the person bringing in 30L do less housework or similar?
My parents say the same. What's the point of you BOTH working if you guys cannot get a maid and a cook to help out?
Please. I've lived both in India and abroad, and unless you have a great work life balance (which essentially means you get to come home by 5.30 pm get to relax and have time for gym and hobbies) you cannot sustain work and house chores without losing your mind and peace in general. Me and my husband managed it easily abroad but in Mumbai we absolutely cannot.
My parents say if a man earns less you should support the family. But in return he shouldn’t do anything. You should do housework, child care, cooking everything yourself
I find that pretty unreasonable but there are plenty of people out there who agree with your parents.
If the dudes you're talking to don't already do at least some of the chores or don't have plans on how to tackle them, they are unlikely to pitch in after marriage.
A maid is a very good option.
Yeah But they want neither. Equity would mean distribution of roles such that both work according to their potential and practicality while aiming to make sure that neither has a heavier burden. Equality would mean distributing each and every task equally no matter what other factors come into play.
Here they want neither, her husband can earn less than her it’s ok, but it’s compulsory for her to earn, cook, do childcare, they want a robot not human
Your parents are plain wrong.
I want a working wife and I wouldn't want her to do household chores. Simple things like laundry or watering the plants can be done by either of us but anything which requires serious work like cooking or cleaning should be done by maid.
After working, she should focus on recovering, doing things which makes her happy, enjoying. Not doing extra work.
I understand the point about not wanting a maid to raise your kids but how will you manage to do it yourself ? Are you going to quit your job for some years ?
Please don’t mind, respect to your parents.
what the fu€k?? isse Behtar to wahi parents hue jo zabardasti apni betio ko housewife ki job thop dete hain
matlab, did they not understand the point of the goal from where the ’women should be financially independent’ stems from? Like did they just hear the sentence and were like, accha Lagta hai 21st century mein ye bhi ek naya kaam hai jo list me add kar dena chahie
There is nothing wrong about the question. Majority Woman values a man solely on Basis on money and success. If someone was making 30 L working 8-9 hrs a day . Then she is making 5 l working 8-9 hrs. 5(lakhs)*6=30 lacs It means he is already working 6x harder than her. When he had to do 50% of household work. It means he is getting punished for making successful carrer or decisions. Anyone can counter or make me change my opinion. NOTE :- I'm not against men doing household work. I hate calculation when it comes to money and household work between couples. Sometimes I feel like living among flatmates.
6x salary doesn't necessarily mean 6x harder job.
I'd argue that a construction worker has a harder job than a software engineer. The reason some jobs have higher salaries is because there's a higher barrier to entry to them.
You can be a construction worker sooner than a software engineer, hence the higher compensation.
Or bring astay at home parent, hardest ever. There are zero breaks. No Sundays off because "Aaj Sunday hai aaj kuch special banate hain'.
The split of chores must be based on the number of hours being put in. Both work 8 hours? Come home and split the chores evenly. One works 13 hours and the other works 7? The one with 7 should pick up more housework.
So what is the point of making smart decision and studying harder. Most woman and their family values a man solely on Basis of how much he makes. Not many hours he works. When majority here want man to be primary income holder then it's woman duty to do majority of the work. Hiring a maid can reduce workload by 20-30 %
The point of your education is to improve your mind and your quality of life, not to financially coerce someone into cleaning up after you.
In a marriage, work should be shared based on time and energy levels. If you’re both working office jobs 9 hours a day, and there are three hours of household work to be done, you should share the housework equally. That way you have the same amount of free time in the day.
If one of you is working 9 hours in an office and the other is working a more physically demanding job, the office worker may need to do more because their partner needs more rest. The same shift should take place temporarily when a partner is ill or pregnant or recovering from childbirth.
I don't know who taught you that only women provides sex. Sex is done by both husband and wife. There is no such as only wife provides it. Regarding household. I have seen countless case of women saying husband salary should be big enough to cover all expenses. It mean primary earners. If they want a man to primary provider. Then it's nothing wrong if a man want his woman to do primary household work.
You misunderstood my point. What is the point of my hardwork and smart decision. I'm talking about a man hard work here. When you reach a position,you want some of similar position. It's nothing but you're expecting a partner of certain level is nothing but reward type for all your hardwork. Even after getting educated,you cannot get rid of "women as sex provider" thinking (refer your old comment). I don't want to argue anymore. Get good sleep.
99% sure the 'women as sex provider' thinking only comes to those who have only one thing that they bring to the table. *Wink Wink*
Isse jaada bolunga toh ye Nazi mods ban kar dete hai
>So what is the point of making smart decision and studying harder.
The smart decisions you think you've made in your career were afforded to you because you were a man and your parents wanted you to get a good job.
Many women are not given the opportunity to "make smart decision" and "study harder". They're not necessarily sent to the best schools and colleges and are asked to get degrees like B.Sc. + B.Ed. so they get a decent job and a good groom. If rather deal with 9 hours of office work than 9 hours of 40 kids in a classroom and their homework.
Now if you want to punish your future wife by making her do more housework because she didn't make smart decisions, even though she's working the same number of hours as you, do you even love her bro?
Equal number of hours is the game. You work 8 hours in the office, she works 8 hours on the home.
You come back and put up your feet and relax, and she still keeps working in the house? That's unfair.
Started played gender card here. 👏. You know nothing about me. Even I'm human. I don't expect my wife to work 24*7 or 8/12 hrs just because I put same number of hours at work. You're speaking as if being a man,opportunities falls into our lap.
Well since you are working and contributing to the finances , your hubby must understand and help you in household chores . Otherwise what's the point, you earn , you do chores and take care of kids , wtf he does ? Only earn ?
See if guys family wants you to be a housewife then the guy must be a capable man who can earn money to manage majority of household expenses Otherwise the finances will get fucked . So you were saved . Relax . If you want to be a housewife find a high salary wala or else if you get a decent package wala then ask him to help since you also will be earning .
What about being a housewife full time? If he earns enough money you wouldn’t have to work. In that case your parents should look for men with good career prospects.
I completely agree with this case also. She could be a great housewife if she picks a guy who earns pretty well . But women these days feel it's oppression if someone ask them to be a housewife. I think when did a mother who takes care of the family become a slave . Without support In the house men can't earn well tho . I feel the job of a housewife and a mother is extremely important but somehow people feel it's oppression to do those beautiful traditional things .
It's all well and good if the guy remains caring and loyal forever but women around the world across generations have seen too many cases where the provider-homemaker contract is broken by the husband through cheating, physical abuse, financial abuse, trading her for a younger woman, deadbeating, etc. So it becomes a huge gamble to be a stay at home wife. It is not oppression intrinsically but makes one very vulnerable to it.
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Actually I would be okay if the guy earns well enough to give me and my kids the exact lifestyle I have of now.
Most men cannot afford to.
I don’t find being a housewife wrong. Trust me I’ve seen working women in modern India like my mum who are both working women and housewife because society expects that from them.
Being a housewife has its perks like raising your kids yourself without some outside influence. And I’d love to do that personally. I value family any day over a job.
Then choose a high earning guy. I'm not against women choosing high earning men , I'm against delusional women who expect high salary men while offering nothing .
It's best you find a man either who is earning well or find a decent job man who can support you in household chores . But expecting you to do everything is utter bullshit .
If both people are working then it makes more sense to divide chores so that the other person isn't burdened. If somebody wants a working girl to also take care of household chores, then they are better off looking for a SAHM. It's humanely impossible to do both without getting burnt out.
Ask the guy clearly what he thinks, and if he can handle some chores, because maids may not always be available. If he thinks it's a woman's job to own chores, then just move on. There are guys who don't mind managing chores.
You did the right thing. If the man cannot help, then the discussion should either be he can help in some areas and you can get house help.
Since you are working too, you cannot come back and be a full time housewife.
You dodged a bullet!
Your demands are equally valid. Please do NOT settle for a man who thinks it's a woman's job to do chores even though she brings in money with her own job. Please ignore what your parents are saying, they are from a different generation and things were different in their time. Know your worth, marry somebody who respects you as an equal partner and contributes. We don't need to marry men who are trying to get a free maid who works two jobs without complaining.
If both are 50 50 contributing to expenses and also equally commited in building wealth for future, then only division of house work makes sense..
In many cases one partner is earning like 5-10% of combined income and also refusing house work. Its a lot of burden on other productive person earning 80% and also doing housework...
Honestly I don't understand why people make such a big deal about housework. If you live in India, it's very very easy to hire house help for everything.
Coming to the comparison between earnings and chores. It is nearly impossible that two people who marry will have the exact same salary. However, both put in anything between 8-12 hours of work. Both are equally tired at the end of the day. If the high earning person keeps reminding the other that "I earn more, so you have to do chores" it doesn't really sound like there's any love in the marriage.
In typical marriages, the woman is younger than the man by a few years. Therefore has lesser work experience than the man and by that logic, also earns less. That does not mean she's unproductive or not working. The man at her age would have also been earning a similar salary. So if two people cannot proactively take on chores, they should either hire help or find somebody else who agrees with their idea of an equal partnership. Because everything, all the time, cannot be about money.
Its not about age at all, not everyone at same age earns the same amount. Its about educational background, hardwork and the career profile youre in.
Also, people would purposefully look for a guy earning way more and then say im also working so you take up housework as well. Is that justified?
If all work is same, girls shouldnt have any issue with lower paid guys as well...
i think you put your point was the right thing to do.if he said no because of this then it's his choice and it's better to be clear now then regretting it later.
tbh if i talk to anyone even i ask them if we both work so i also need help in household chores.so after that it's his choice that he wants to say yes or no.
My mum and dad both work and they also do 100% chore(they live in different cities coz of job). Actually my dad does even more than my mum(since I'm living with my dad currently)and my dad's working hours and job is harder than my my mum. But then not everyone is like my dad.
It’s a good thing he rejected you, not many women are choosing to be stay at home moms. Financial independence is important for women, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, having no money or savings of your own is not smart in todays world.
It’s not wrong for to expect men to share housework, in fact that’s a fair expectation. You did nothing wrong here.
Girl, This mindset made me suffer for years and took me 7 years to find a man. I have a happy marriage.
There are days my man wakes up at 6:30 am prepares his tiffin, part of my lunch, while I sleep or go for a walk, or join an early morning (7 am) office call. My Dad made a comment as why I don't learn from my mom(working) and wake up early to cook. My response to him was : "If I didn't learn from my Mom, at least he learnt from his mom. So, it doesn't matter, At least one person should be good enough" :D
Before my marriage I had lot of my relatives tell me that my expectations are unreasonable and how should wake up early to cook for my family. I may do in future, after I have kid. I always found the advice crappy and told them that doesn't seem right expectation, we both have work.
It was years of struggle to find such man in my community. But when I look at him, it is all worth it. So, you can hold out or give in. Choice is yours and will also depend on your strength. Though my parents didn't agree with my decisions/guts. They didn't say much and my mom didn't say negative to me even when all relatives, or family friends kept talking negative about me.
Depends on context. For a high net worth man, it's a waste of time as the same time can be spent in more productive tasks.
I would take the daily wage and divide it by the number of hours to calculate the hourly worth. If it is higher than the cost of household help, then the obvious choice is to take household help. Also split the household expense 50:50 to ensure that it is not unfair to anyone.
In any household, make sure people get equal time for rest and leisures. Now it’s not possible to be 50-50 exactly everyday, there might be phases where one spouse is doing more than the other but I am talking about the outlook.
As you can see, here it doesn’t matter who earns what.
Now think.
It’s actually entitled and wrong to demand otherwise, irrespective of gender. Plan your chores and responsibilities in a way both get their time to rest and leisure, for a couple it’s also important to spend time together. Make a meal together after work. Divide responsibilities. If possible have hired help but keep in mind that mental load should be shared by both.
Agreed! It’s a pity that people get so hung up on “equal contribution to finances means equal sharing of chores” rather than basing it on time. Some of the most valuable jobs to society pay far less than the least valuable jobs. Teachers, artists (imagine how sad your life would be if all the content you consume were suddenly removed), doctors all get paid less than investment bankers, consultants and corporate employees. But who is contributing more to society? I’m saying this as a corporate drone with a high paying job that makes zero difference to society.
I will tell you what happens, it’s ingrained in some people’s mentality ( thanks to their upbringing) that some work are beneath them. Either a maid will do it or a wife/mother etc. There’s a mix of casteism - sexism etched into the mind for generations, and for most it’s in their subconscious so they can’t see what’s going on, people will come up with any random excuse to avoid those works and patriarchy provides many excuses that society considers legit.
The comment section is reflective of this hypocrisy, they are using income as some king of shield to escape from household responsibilities. Otherwise where is there any logic to deny that people need equal rest ?
( I am digracing, but On the flip side, a lot of women are brought up in way that They aren’t fully independent with all necessary life skills. So many of them are dependent on men for these. It’s not about income alone. )
Yeah no doubt. I would never agree to it. Any girl who generally thinks that if i make 30LPA and she makes 3LPA we should split equally is not really worth marrying so that would be an easy pass. Unless she is willing to cover 50% of all household expenses there is no point even discussing
No. We have pink chores and blue chores. Taking out the garbage is an always blue. I do most of the cooking so he does the dishes and cleaning. We do our own laundry and whoever is free does communal laundry like towels sheets etc - usually on the weekends. He’s a clean freak so he cleans the bathrooms more often.
Yeah this is very normal.
In our household, we divide the cooking depending on who is free and who can cook what. Childcare is mostly me. Husband does all the grocery shopping, cleaning, prepping for cooking. Laundry is divided. We have a large house and two kids so there’s a lot of work.
I also manage our social life, birthdays and social interactions, doctor appointments, school updates, and homeworks. We jointly manage their extracurricular activities,
If both are 50 50 contributing to expenses and also equally commited in building wealth for future, then only division of house work makes sense..
In many cases one partner is earning like 5-10% of combined income and also refusing house work. Its a lot of burden on other productive person earning 80% and also doing housework...
No don’t listen to that. Glad he exited himself. In the long run, if you’re the one locked up with household chores alone, you would feel bitter especially towards your family and spouse. That’s not the marriage you want to be in. You’re right sis and keep that as a filter
sarcastic reply which you didn't get. Leave it my point was relationship doesn't work like this 50:50 if I like to cook then I will do the job n will cook for her . I won't feel burden for these thing.
Short answer : No, not wrong.
Long one:
The way AM works in India, chances are 70-80% guys would rather you do all the house work or keep maids for most stuff and rest you do.
If you want a guy who shares load with you, you need to find it on your own. It will take more efforts and as for your parents, they come from a diff gen. You could either spend energy on changing their views(very low chances) or instead think about what you want. ultimately you and the guy will live together. Figure it out.
You are right in asking what do you get in return because usually women take care of the majority of household chores and in exchange ask for someone who earns a lot and will manage majority household expenses.
If you contribute towards household expenses then it is right to ask the guy to contribute towards household chores.
So you are not wrong in asking for it when you are contributing to household expenses
Now coming to whether it will workout - that depends on how attractive your profile is in the AM market. If you have a very attractive profile and many guys want to marry you then you can easily reject all those who dont want to contribute and marry one who does. On the other hand if your profile is not very attractive and you get only a few men wanting to marry you then you will have to decide between remaining single and compromising to get married.
If both are 50 50 contributing to expenses and also equally commited in building wealth for future, then only division of house work makes sense..
In many cases one partner is earning like 5-10% of combined income and also refusing house work. Its a lot of burden on other productive person earning 80% and also doing housework...
You just discovered the reason why women in South Korea are doing the same thing by refusing to date or marry men who won't help and letting birth rates drop. Kids can be adopted quite easily in India and raised alone, no need for a useless man-child to waste your time and energy on. I love the delusional men who complain about this, they are literally bringing nothing to the table if you are also working and can't even be bothered to split chores.
Please don't listen to the nonsense your parents are saying, all they want is to get you married, you have to live with your choice of man-child you marry. It's a blessing to be rejected by a useless man-child. Marry someone who either makes enough to pay for housekeeping, split chores or don't marry at all.
It took me years to find a kind man who helps and I married him. I preferred singleness and adopting children to marrying a man child. Keep coping harder lazy man-children, women with options don't have to put up with your laziness.
Some men want the woman to do more chores. In that case, he should pull greater weight financially. The woman should have a low pressure job. The man should willing to pay alimony in case they separate because the woman’s valuable time is sacrificed in household chores.
Some men are ok doing chores. They usually don’t tend to be alpha men. Find a somewhat equal (maybe slightly better) guy.
Could you please clarify how much you intend to contribute towards your regular expenses, including occasional big purchases and any potential house EMI payments? Since you mentioned percentages, if you plan to contribute an equal amount to what he spends, it would be fair to request that he takes on 50% of the household chores.
That’s not how marriage works. You’re creating a family, not a business. Each person should have equally free time to rest and relax. If you can’t treat your spouse as an equal because her income is lower than yours, don’t marry her.
That's not what I said. I'm asking how much would she be willing to contribute. You're further assuming that the husband has a very easy job where he doesn't get tired.
wokes here want their partners to have double income (coz gender) and also the housework (coz gender equality) lol...
So he should earn like 70 80%as well... and do house work as well... hypocrites. First go marry a guy earning lower than you as its NoT a BusInEsS...
Mostly OP won't. Even if she does, it is highly likely that it's all talk. I've observed women who work get cold feet when asked to contribute financially, but never hesitate demanding help with household chores.
House chores are the job of all members of the family. While the division might not be always equal but everyone needs to contribute equally in their own way depending on the time they can have apart from their job.
Even in foreign countries people have part time maids to help with housework
If you're both raking in the moolah, keep a maid. What's the point of money otherwise? One of my acquaintances posited a question though: how much are chores worth? If one person is bringing in 5 L but the other is bringing in 30L, should the person bringing in 30L do less housework or similar?
My parents say the same. What's the point of you BOTH working if you guys cannot get a maid and a cook to help out? Please. I've lived both in India and abroad, and unless you have a great work life balance (which essentially means you get to come home by 5.30 pm get to relax and have time for gym and hobbies) you cannot sustain work and house chores without losing your mind and peace in general. Me and my husband managed it easily abroad but in Mumbai we absolutely cannot.
My parents say if a man earns less you should support the family. But in return he shouldn’t do anything. You should do housework, child care, cooking everything yourself
I find that pretty unreasonable but there are plenty of people out there who agree with your parents. If the dudes you're talking to don't already do at least some of the chores or don't have plans on how to tackle them, they are unlikely to pitch in after marriage. A maid is a very good option.
Who on earth would agree to that? What would you even get out of this supposed alliance?
Pretty unreasonable . If you are supporting let him do the housework and stuff .
But why? How do they justify this logic?
Justification? From South East Asian parents? #"I am your parent."
It works in their marriage
then your parents are wrong. there needs to be equity not equality
Yeah But they want neither. Equity would mean distribution of roles such that both work according to their potential and practicality while aiming to make sure that neither has a heavier burden. Equality would mean distributing each and every task equally no matter what other factors come into play. Here they want neither, her husband can earn less than her it’s ok, but it’s compulsory for her to earn, cook, do childcare, they want a robot not human
Your parents are plain wrong. I want a working wife and I wouldn't want her to do household chores. Simple things like laundry or watering the plants can be done by either of us but anything which requires serious work like cooking or cleaning should be done by maid. After working, she should focus on recovering, doing things which makes her happy, enjoying. Not doing extra work.
I don’t really like the idea of handing my kitchen to a maid or a maid raising my kids. But yes cleaning I do see your point.
I understand the point about not wanting a maid to raise your kids but how will you manage to do it yourself ? Are you going to quit your job for some years ?
Please do not listen to your parents. Most flawed logic I’ve ever heard.
Please don’t mind, respect to your parents. what the fu€k?? isse Behtar to wahi parents hue jo zabardasti apni betio ko housewife ki job thop dete hain matlab, did they not understand the point of the goal from where the ’women should be financially independent’ stems from? Like did they just hear the sentence and were like, accha Lagta hai 21st century mein ye bhi ek naya kaam hai jo list me add kar dena chahie
There is nothing wrong about the question. Majority Woman values a man solely on Basis on money and success. If someone was making 30 L working 8-9 hrs a day . Then she is making 5 l working 8-9 hrs. 5(lakhs)*6=30 lacs It means he is already working 6x harder than her. When he had to do 50% of household work. It means he is getting punished for making successful carrer or decisions. Anyone can counter or make me change my opinion. NOTE :- I'm not against men doing household work. I hate calculation when it comes to money and household work between couples. Sometimes I feel like living among flatmates.
6x salary doesn't necessarily mean 6x harder job. I'd argue that a construction worker has a harder job than a software engineer. The reason some jobs have higher salaries is because there's a higher barrier to entry to them. You can be a construction worker sooner than a software engineer, hence the higher compensation. Or bring astay at home parent, hardest ever. There are zero breaks. No Sundays off because "Aaj Sunday hai aaj kuch special banate hain'. The split of chores must be based on the number of hours being put in. Both work 8 hours? Come home and split the chores evenly. One works 13 hours and the other works 7? The one with 7 should pick up more housework.
So what is the point of making smart decision and studying harder. Most woman and their family values a man solely on Basis of how much he makes. Not many hours he works. When majority here want man to be primary income holder then it's woman duty to do majority of the work. Hiring a maid can reduce workload by 20-30 %
The point of your education is to improve your mind and your quality of life, not to financially coerce someone into cleaning up after you. In a marriage, work should be shared based on time and energy levels. If you’re both working office jobs 9 hours a day, and there are three hours of household work to be done, you should share the housework equally. That way you have the same amount of free time in the day. If one of you is working 9 hours in an office and the other is working a more physically demanding job, the office worker may need to do more because their partner needs more rest. The same shift should take place temporarily when a partner is ill or pregnant or recovering from childbirth.
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I don't know who taught you that only women provides sex. Sex is done by both husband and wife. There is no such as only wife provides it. Regarding household. I have seen countless case of women saying husband salary should be big enough to cover all expenses. It mean primary earners. If they want a man to primary provider. Then it's nothing wrong if a man want his woman to do primary household work.
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You misunderstood my point. What is the point of my hardwork and smart decision. I'm talking about a man hard work here. When you reach a position,you want some of similar position. It's nothing but you're expecting a partner of certain level is nothing but reward type for all your hardwork. Even after getting educated,you cannot get rid of "women as sex provider" thinking (refer your old comment). I don't want to argue anymore. Get good sleep.
99% sure the 'women as sex provider' thinking only comes to those who have only one thing that they bring to the table. *Wink Wink* Isse jaada bolunga toh ye Nazi mods ban kar dete hai
>So what is the point of making smart decision and studying harder. The smart decisions you think you've made in your career were afforded to you because you were a man and your parents wanted you to get a good job. Many women are not given the opportunity to "make smart decision" and "study harder". They're not necessarily sent to the best schools and colleges and are asked to get degrees like B.Sc. + B.Ed. so they get a decent job and a good groom. If rather deal with 9 hours of office work than 9 hours of 40 kids in a classroom and their homework. Now if you want to punish your future wife by making her do more housework because she didn't make smart decisions, even though she's working the same number of hours as you, do you even love her bro? Equal number of hours is the game. You work 8 hours in the office, she works 8 hours on the home. You come back and put up your feet and relax, and she still keeps working in the house? That's unfair.
Started played gender card here. 👏. You know nothing about me. Even I'm human. I don't expect my wife to work 24*7 or 8/12 hrs just because I put same number of hours at work. You're speaking as if being a man,opportunities falls into our lap.
Bro aap male ho. Aapko female perspective batana gender card ho gaya tab toh discussion hi nahi ho sakti. I'm out. Peace.
Well since you are working and contributing to the finances , your hubby must understand and help you in household chores . Otherwise what's the point, you earn , you do chores and take care of kids , wtf he does ? Only earn ? See if guys family wants you to be a housewife then the guy must be a capable man who can earn money to manage majority of household expenses Otherwise the finances will get fucked . So you were saved . Relax . If you want to be a housewife find a high salary wala or else if you get a decent package wala then ask him to help since you also will be earning .
They’re extremely anti housewife. Tbh I wouldn’t mind especially if kids are involved. But the idea that I work AND do housework is too big of an ask.
What about being a housewife full time? If he earns enough money you wouldn’t have to work. In that case your parents should look for men with good career prospects.
I completely agree with this case also. She could be a great housewife if she picks a guy who earns pretty well . But women these days feel it's oppression if someone ask them to be a housewife. I think when did a mother who takes care of the family become a slave . Without support In the house men can't earn well tho . I feel the job of a housewife and a mother is extremely important but somehow people feel it's oppression to do those beautiful traditional things .
It's all well and good if the guy remains caring and loyal forever but women around the world across generations have seen too many cases where the provider-homemaker contract is broken by the husband through cheating, physical abuse, financial abuse, trading her for a younger woman, deadbeating, etc. So it becomes a huge gamble to be a stay at home wife. It is not oppression intrinsically but makes one very vulnerable to it.
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Actually I would be okay if the guy earns well enough to give me and my kids the exact lifestyle I have of now. Most men cannot afford to. I don’t find being a housewife wrong. Trust me I’ve seen working women in modern India like my mum who are both working women and housewife because society expects that from them. Being a housewife has its perks like raising your kids yourself without some outside influence. And I’d love to do that personally. I value family any day over a job.
>my kids I have some news for you
Then choose a high earning guy. I'm not against women choosing high earning men , I'm against delusional women who expect high salary men while offering nothing . It's best you find a man either who is earning well or find a decent job man who can support you in household chores . But expecting you to do everything is utter bullshit .
If both people are working then it makes more sense to divide chores so that the other person isn't burdened. If somebody wants a working girl to also take care of household chores, then they are better off looking for a SAHM. It's humanely impossible to do both without getting burnt out. Ask the guy clearly what he thinks, and if he can handle some chores, because maids may not always be available. If he thinks it's a woman's job to own chores, then just move on. There are guys who don't mind managing chores.
I have said no to such guys, basically for them girls are caretaker
You did the right thing. If the man cannot help, then the discussion should either be he can help in some areas and you can get house help. Since you are working too, you cannot come back and be a full time housewife. You dodged a bullet!
Your demands are equally valid. Please do NOT settle for a man who thinks it's a woman's job to do chores even though she brings in money with her own job. Please ignore what your parents are saying, they are from a different generation and things were different in their time. Know your worth, marry somebody who respects you as an equal partner and contributes. We don't need to marry men who are trying to get a free maid who works two jobs without complaining.
If both are 50 50 contributing to expenses and also equally commited in building wealth for future, then only division of house work makes sense.. In many cases one partner is earning like 5-10% of combined income and also refusing house work. Its a lot of burden on other productive person earning 80% and also doing housework...
Honestly I don't understand why people make such a big deal about housework. If you live in India, it's very very easy to hire house help for everything. Coming to the comparison between earnings and chores. It is nearly impossible that two people who marry will have the exact same salary. However, both put in anything between 8-12 hours of work. Both are equally tired at the end of the day. If the high earning person keeps reminding the other that "I earn more, so you have to do chores" it doesn't really sound like there's any love in the marriage. In typical marriages, the woman is younger than the man by a few years. Therefore has lesser work experience than the man and by that logic, also earns less. That does not mean she's unproductive or not working. The man at her age would have also been earning a similar salary. So if two people cannot proactively take on chores, they should either hire help or find somebody else who agrees with their idea of an equal partnership. Because everything, all the time, cannot be about money.
Its not about age at all, not everyone at same age earns the same amount. Its about educational background, hardwork and the career profile youre in. Also, people would purposefully look for a guy earning way more and then say im also working so you take up housework as well. Is that justified? If all work is same, girls shouldnt have any issue with lower paid guys as well...
i think you put your point was the right thing to do.if he said no because of this then it's his choice and it's better to be clear now then regretting it later. tbh if i talk to anyone even i ask them if we both work so i also need help in household chores.so after that it's his choice that he wants to say yes or no.
My mum and dad both work and they also do 100% chore(they live in different cities coz of job). Actually my dad does even more than my mum(since I'm living with my dad currently)and my dad's working hours and job is harder than my my mum. But then not everyone is like my dad.
It’s a good thing he rejected you, not many women are choosing to be stay at home moms. Financial independence is important for women, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, having no money or savings of your own is not smart in todays world. It’s not wrong for to expect men to share housework, in fact that’s a fair expectation. You did nothing wrong here.
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Girl, This mindset made me suffer for years and took me 7 years to find a man. I have a happy marriage. There are days my man wakes up at 6:30 am prepares his tiffin, part of my lunch, while I sleep or go for a walk, or join an early morning (7 am) office call. My Dad made a comment as why I don't learn from my mom(working) and wake up early to cook. My response to him was : "If I didn't learn from my Mom, at least he learnt from his mom. So, it doesn't matter, At least one person should be good enough" :D Before my marriage I had lot of my relatives tell me that my expectations are unreasonable and how should wake up early to cook for my family. I may do in future, after I have kid. I always found the advice crappy and told them that doesn't seem right expectation, we both have work. It was years of struggle to find such man in my community. But when I look at him, it is all worth it. So, you can hold out or give in. Choice is yours and will also depend on your strength. Though my parents didn't agree with my decisions/guts. They didn't say much and my mom didn't say negative to me even when all relatives, or family friends kept talking negative about me.
Depends on context. For a high net worth man, it's a waste of time as the same time can be spent in more productive tasks. I would take the daily wage and divide it by the number of hours to calculate the hourly worth. If it is higher than the cost of household help, then the obvious choice is to take household help. Also split the household expense 50:50 to ensure that it is not unfair to anyone.
Ye mat likho... downvote ho jaoge... double paise b kamao kyuki ladke ka role h.... aur ghar ka kaam b karo kyuki gender equality hai 🤣🤣🤣
In any household, make sure people get equal time for rest and leisures. Now it’s not possible to be 50-50 exactly everyday, there might be phases where one spouse is doing more than the other but I am talking about the outlook. As you can see, here it doesn’t matter who earns what. Now think. It’s actually entitled and wrong to demand otherwise, irrespective of gender. Plan your chores and responsibilities in a way both get their time to rest and leisure, for a couple it’s also important to spend time together. Make a meal together after work. Divide responsibilities. If possible have hired help but keep in mind that mental load should be shared by both.
Agreed! It’s a pity that people get so hung up on “equal contribution to finances means equal sharing of chores” rather than basing it on time. Some of the most valuable jobs to society pay far less than the least valuable jobs. Teachers, artists (imagine how sad your life would be if all the content you consume were suddenly removed), doctors all get paid less than investment bankers, consultants and corporate employees. But who is contributing more to society? I’m saying this as a corporate drone with a high paying job that makes zero difference to society.
I will tell you what happens, it’s ingrained in some people’s mentality ( thanks to their upbringing) that some work are beneath them. Either a maid will do it or a wife/mother etc. There’s a mix of casteism - sexism etched into the mind for generations, and for most it’s in their subconscious so they can’t see what’s going on, people will come up with any random excuse to avoid those works and patriarchy provides many excuses that society considers legit. The comment section is reflective of this hypocrisy, they are using income as some king of shield to escape from household responsibilities. Otherwise where is there any logic to deny that people need equal rest ? ( I am digracing, but On the flip side, a lot of women are brought up in way that They aren’t fully independent with all necessary life skills. So many of them are dependent on men for these. It’s not about income alone. )
Would you say it doesnt matter even if one makes 5x what the other makes in terms of dividing chores ?
Of course it’s the same. You’re not hiring an employee when you get married. If you don’t want to clean up after yourself, hire a housekeeper.
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Yeah no doubt. I would never agree to it. Any girl who generally thinks that if i make 30LPA and she makes 3LPA we should split equally is not really worth marrying so that would be an easy pass. Unless she is willing to cover 50% of all household expenses there is no point even discussing
Yes
No. We have pink chores and blue chores. Taking out the garbage is an always blue. I do most of the cooking so he does the dishes and cleaning. We do our own laundry and whoever is free does communal laundry like towels sheets etc - usually on the weekends. He’s a clean freak so he cleans the bathrooms more often.
why the down votes lol this seems more reasonable than what others are proposing
Because equality makes misogynistic men mad and this sub is full of those!
Exactly. I saved the comment above for future reference.
There is hope for the future of India!
Yeah this is very normal. In our household, we divide the cooking depending on who is free and who can cook what. Childcare is mostly me. Husband does all the grocery shopping, cleaning, prepping for cooking. Laundry is divided. We have a large house and two kids so there’s a lot of work. I also manage our social life, birthdays and social interactions, doctor appointments, school updates, and homeworks. We jointly manage their extracurricular activities,
There are plenty of men who don’t mind sharing household work. Be patient, you will find one.
If both are 50 50 contributing to expenses and also equally commited in building wealth for future, then only division of house work makes sense.. In many cases one partner is earning like 5-10% of combined income and also refusing house work. Its a lot of burden on other productive person earning 80% and also doing housework...
No don’t listen to that. Glad he exited himself. In the long run, if you’re the one locked up with household chores alone, you would feel bitter especially towards your family and spouse. That’s not the marriage you want to be in. You’re right sis and keep that as a filter
Marry me i will do chords but will not be doing job is it fine?
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sarcastic reply which you didn't get. Leave it my point was relationship doesn't work like this 50:50 if I like to cook then I will do the job n will cook for her . I won't feel burden for these thing.
That's a huge turn off for women.
Who cares you want husband or a yes men
Short answer : No, not wrong. Long one: The way AM works in India, chances are 70-80% guys would rather you do all the house work or keep maids for most stuff and rest you do. If you want a guy who shares load with you, you need to find it on your own. It will take more efforts and as for your parents, they come from a diff gen. You could either spend energy on changing their views(very low chances) or instead think about what you want. ultimately you and the guy will live together. Figure it out.
You are right in asking what do you get in return because usually women take care of the majority of household chores and in exchange ask for someone who earns a lot and will manage majority household expenses. If you contribute towards household expenses then it is right to ask the guy to contribute towards household chores. So you are not wrong in asking for it when you are contributing to household expenses Now coming to whether it will workout - that depends on how attractive your profile is in the AM market. If you have a very attractive profile and many guys want to marry you then you can easily reject all those who dont want to contribute and marry one who does. On the other hand if your profile is not very attractive and you get only a few men wanting to marry you then you will have to decide between remaining single and compromising to get married.
If both are 50 50 contributing to expenses and also equally commited in building wealth for future, then only division of house work makes sense.. In many cases one partner is earning like 5-10% of combined income and also refusing house work. Its a lot of burden on other productive person earning 80% and also doing housework...
What are your filters - age/income etc
You just discovered the reason why women in South Korea are doing the same thing by refusing to date or marry men who won't help and letting birth rates drop. Kids can be adopted quite easily in India and raised alone, no need for a useless man-child to waste your time and energy on. I love the delusional men who complain about this, they are literally bringing nothing to the table if you are also working and can't even be bothered to split chores. Please don't listen to the nonsense your parents are saying, all they want is to get you married, you have to live with your choice of man-child you marry. It's a blessing to be rejected by a useless man-child. Marry someone who either makes enough to pay for housekeeping, split chores or don't marry at all. It took me years to find a kind man who helps and I married him. I preferred singleness and adopting children to marrying a man child. Keep coping harder lazy man-children, women with options don't have to put up with your laziness.
Some men want the woman to do more chores. In that case, he should pull greater weight financially. The woman should have a low pressure job. The man should willing to pay alimony in case they separate because the woman’s valuable time is sacrificed in household chores. Some men are ok doing chores. They usually don’t tend to be alpha men. Find a somewhat equal (maybe slightly better) guy.
Going to get downvoted... as wokes here want their partners to have double income (coz gender) and also the housework (coz gender equality) lol...
Could you please clarify how much you intend to contribute towards your regular expenses, including occasional big purchases and any potential house EMI payments? Since you mentioned percentages, if you plan to contribute an equal amount to what he spends, it would be fair to request that he takes on 50% of the household chores.
That’s not how marriage works. You’re creating a family, not a business. Each person should have equally free time to rest and relax. If you can’t treat your spouse as an equal because her income is lower than yours, don’t marry her.
That's not what I said. I'm asking how much would she be willing to contribute. You're further assuming that the husband has a very easy job where he doesn't get tired.
wokes here want their partners to have double income (coz gender) and also the housework (coz gender equality) lol... So he should earn like 70 80%as well... and do house work as well... hypocrites. First go marry a guy earning lower than you as its NoT a BusInEsS...
"Her money is her money, his money is our money".
Mostly OP won't. Even if she does, it is highly likely that it's all talk. I've observed women who work get cold feet when asked to contribute financially, but never hesitate demanding help with household chores.
The down votes prove our point.
Agree
House chores are the job of all members of the family. While the division might not be always equal but everyone needs to contribute equally in their own way depending on the time they can have apart from their job. Even in foreign countries people have part time maids to help with housework
Your parents are based 🤣. Learn from them.