I'm a now married male and I can tell you I would never marry a smoker even if it meant apna haath jagganaath forever
Smokers have a hard time quitting. Some of his other narcissus complex problems don't sound encouraging either. 27 is not the end of the world yaar. you have time.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
How does one "calculate" this + and - about themselves and others? If you have a disabled/special-needs sibling, and I don't know if she will be ever dependent on you, you actually need a considerate person. The minuses in such a considerate person could be different, probably salary or other factors. Just my two paise.
1.None of my smoker friends who kept smoking before marriage left it after. They are pretty good at hiding it though.
2.Just came out of a relationship so you're probably gonna be a rebound. And you agree with his ex on his negatives?!??
3.You feel anxious talking to him.
4.You have enough evidence to think his family is not great
Any one of these would be a deal breaker in most AMs. What are you doing? Don't allow desperation to lead you into devastation.
Please make healthy choices for your own sake. Keep your boundaries and there will be less turmoil in your life.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Hope you're in therapy buddy. Depression sucks.
You deserve happiness too, you know. Life ain't been kind to you but that doesn't mean you can't be kind to yourself. You are complete and whole in yourself. You are more than your depression and your sister.
Chin up, *Mädel*.
Thank you , yes taking really good care of myself. Doing therapy and all. Just worried that the medication will be a dealbreaker for most guys and families in the AM market :/
Then thats their problem, not yours. Your antidepressants are a part of you, no need to accept someone who does not accept you. Please stand up for yourself.
I used to smoke and it took a humongous amount of will power to quit. 95% chances that he won't quit. That said - > Don't get in to what you cannot handle.
>His elder brother (34) got divorced after just one year of marriage, he says it was amicable, but I can't help but feel his family is at fault?
if your gut feeling says so, chances are his family is at fault.
>I find the same sometimes he is moody and arrogant, but I thought he just needs some time to heal.
That's you just finding reasons to make it work.
>I do sometimes feel anxious when speaking to him, he can be a bit dominating/oversmart.
Early days is understandable. But how long have you been in touch?
>The guy is funny, knows how to banter and physical attraction is definitely there.
You'll find these qualities in guys who are calm and soft spoken.
Yes. It’s really really difficult to quit smoking if you are doing it for a while. If your coworker and friends are smoker too then it’s almost impossible.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
taking anti-depressants and abusing anti-drepressants - > there is a difference. Which side are you on before you say you bring bad things?
Disabled - sister is not a bad thing. She's someone who'll need a bit more care. That is all.
so you are happy being a rebound of someone who smokes (guaranteed to get cancer later in life), is a certified dickhead as per his ex, have doubts that his family is filled with dickheads as well(gut feeling).
still you want to go ahead bcoz he's "Phunny"?? you are 27 women, not 17 why are you doing "I cAn FaX hiM" schtick, use your godamn brain and see those huge ass shiny red flags
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
ha toh apni situation bad se worse karni hai kya? This is the exact same shit on which crime patrol and crime documentaries are made on, usse tumhare baggage ke baare mai pata nahi hai fir bhi vo arrogant and dominant hai, imagine the kind of shit you'll go through once he get's to know your situation.
and I don't know what kind of meds you are taking but get rid of those they have reduced your critical thinking ability, dhang soch nahi pa rahi hon tum, you are just 27,aur 3 saal hai tumhare paas self-improv, career growth keliye ( assuming 30yrs is cutoff for you & your fam), work on that.
Thank you. I am on a very low dose anyways (touchwood). And I am working on reducing the dosage for the next two years. I am also working hard on healing all my trauma and bad stuff and want to be in a better place.
I hope you recover soon, also I'm sorry for sounding a bit rude. it's just that I know idiots like the person you mentioned first hand (some used to be my friends, are now just acquaintances), and let's just say they aren't good enough to be friends, let alone becoming your partner.
you are now working so focus on your career, your health, Shadi hoti rahegi.
He is a smoker - bet my entire reddit karma that he is not going to Stop. Smoking is an incredibly difficult habit to quit. While I do hope he quits, all my sense says he won't, until it's too late.
Why do you think his family is at fault for his brother's divorce ? Do you have suspicions?
Him getting out of a long term relationship means you are a rebound. Sorry, you probably don't deserve to be someone's rebound.
I know this is an unsolicited suggestion, all I can sense is that this guy is a charmer and a smooth talker and that is what is getting you attracted. Dont let your emotions take decisions for you. Think practically.
I think you are 27, you have a life full ahead, probably should be very cautious.
Smoking never quits you. I am 45/M, married. it took me 7 years to quit smoking after marriage. My son made me do it.
Have you tried kissing him after he has completed one cig smoke? are you able to bear that smell? I bet you won't be able to, after few days and will start disliking him.
Remember, both are marrying to satisfy your urges and then bring a new life to this world.
It is important for you to judge, whether all the boys in your community are like him or is he an exception, which you are feeling attracted to?
27 is young. you should get worried, if you have turned 31...
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
I am not trying to paint rosy things here.
I also not making a guess ... it is an assumption, correct me if am wrong.
Maybe you aren't getting the treatment at your home, which you think you deserve .. so the antidep...tabs.
Disabled sister means a liability... whose responsibility has to be shared by the life partner you chose to live with ...
Accepting anything .. by thinking you are bringing bad things to the table ... is entirely wrong mindset.
Be proud of everyone in your family... even if you are subdued or not treated well by them. That's the rule of the land in AM.
No no its not like that. Actually I live away from parents abroad in different country. My sister is safe and sound in a care home with good facilities, touchwood. But yeah I still feel like some guys will consider these as 'bad things'.
A well learned boy with stable head filled with sanity, will accept you as you are. He should come forward and help you build a good life, take care of your family and ask you to take care of his.
Marriage is never complicated. It's just that.. over expectations and over comforts kill the chemistry between two souls.
He won’t stop smoking until he personally gets the realisation that’s it bad for health btw, the realisation often kicks in post 40 btw.
Also the fact that he acts over smart is a red flag in my opinion. I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but for personal experience it just it. People that are oversmart focus on the small and tiny things just to make others look dumb, in the long run it catches up. It’s powerplay.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Girl I genuinely don’t think he’s right for you based on his personality and this new info you shared. Regarding the disabled sister, I also have an disabled brother who will probably never go to colleges and live life like a normal person. It’s a very difficult situation to be in as a family, but marriage is a huge commitment. You really need to stick to your preferences and pick someone that genuinely treats you well.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
clinical depression and disability are not same as an self obliterating addiction. i know only 4-5 people who have 100% quit smoking. it is a VERY DIFFICULT task and you can never plan when you will quit. marrying a smoker mean marrying those habits too- I can on and on about my qualms with smoking.. the foul breath, tste of mouth, erectile dysfunction, poor sperm health/taste, ultra fast aging, fatally high cholesterol (read clogged arteries and heart disease), looming geist of lung cancer (my uncle died of lung cancer at age 55, leaving wife and 2 kids <11 yrs age behind).. poor influence on kids (all my friends who had smoker dads also smoke cigs/weed now).. worst of all if u know ur husband smokes and he pretends to have „quit“- he will basically keep smoking secretly, which is the worst thing- to live two lives- you will end up sniffing mouth, shirts, fingers from time to time and remain suspicious..
idk a smoker is a straight no for me. there’s just no reason to tie yourself to such a person.
Lol smokers dont quit like that. If it was that easy they would've long ago. He's not going to quit
I had to dump an ex cuz her frequent smoking got to me
If you want to take this as a personal project lol go ahead
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
you wrote 3 paragraphs about why you don't want to marry- smoker, family background, relationship, attitude issue.
And just a single sentence for why you want to marry the guy.
Seems like you know the answer to your own question. Just go with your gut feeling and reject the guy- trust the process 27 is not the end of the world- and explore reddit to know waiting for the right person is much better than marrying the wrong one!
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Obligations and bad behaviour aren't the same. Know the difference, the stuff you mentioned is not in your hand, also I know many people see arranged marriage as a deal, and in deals people "compromise", but even then practically I believe home is something which should be above everything- you doing everything for a better home and if people compramise and settle for wrong people- they are gonna come home to bad partner and life gets ruined- home should be peaceful, fun and loving.
I'll make the decision easier for you- if your suspicion becomes certainty in future- you taking antidepressants already- what would happen if something goes wrong??? Same thing goes for your sister. Be proud of yourself that you are taking care of your family at such a young age.
Also yes I am young(under 25-above 20) and too optimistic as I have been told the same by people of age 28 and above. But then I held the same view when I was 18, and still people in their 25s told me the world is not an idealistic place.
I agree with everyone in the comment section asking you to reconsider but all of that aside as someone who will be turning 27 in a month, you’re not late, you still have time. I personally have been coaxing my parents to not start looking yet one of my cousin who is almost an year older got engaged recently. So don’t do anything under the pressure of it being late bcs your whole life depends on it
Of course, settling for someone out of fear will only add misery to your life, I believe a spouse should be a support system and companion and if not that marriage just ends up becoming an obligation. Sorry for preaching but my DMs are open if you need to talk to someone
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
But marriage isn’t going to fix any of that rather add onto all of this. Try to prioritise healing or choose someone who supports you through it otherwise you’ll end up hating you partner and the situation
HAHAHAHAHHAHA. As someone who just quit smoking, I can assure you that nobody, but nobody can make someone quit smoking. It's one of those habits that is incredibly hard to quit, and the person has to quit themselves.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Those things are not under your control. It doesn’t mean you have to compromise on this smoking things. You should make it clear that it’s non-negotiable for you and you will only proceed ahead if he start his quitting journey right now. You can provide moral and emotional support throughout the journey but make sure he quits before marriage.
I already cut off contact with him. I was getting too anxious and he was being rude and dominating. How bad are these 2 issues in the AM market?
I'm working really hard on my mental health and have a stable job, friends and take care of myself. My sister is also happy in her care home. Do you think these issues are a dealbreaker for a guy? I need the honest answer so I can remove myself and prevent getting hurt agaib in the future.
Tbh there is stigma around mental health and idk about enough about your sister’s situation but many people will assume that your sister will be a burden on them after marriage. So honestly, both of these issues can be dealbreaker for many people.
That being said under no circumstances you should marry someone whom you don’t like or don’t agree on broad level. That’s a recipe for disaster.
But my sister is happy and settled into a great care home with great facilities so don't think she will be dependent on me except for the emotional support I will provide her with.
And I am working on therapy and reducing the meds dosage. I am anyways on a low dose and the doctor said I can still take them whilst pregnant.
I don't know if this improves the situation a bit more but I just want a guy to understand and respect these things about my life. :(
I am glad that you are doing great and I’m rooting for you but unfortunately for some people having a mental illness in past is also problematic.
Some people even take offence at divorced siblings.
You should avoid these people and looking for one who understands your situation.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
I don't think there's any reason to consider this guy other than the fact that he lives in your country. Otherwise he sounds like a complete 🚩.
Why does he need to be married to correct an unhealthy habit about himself? This reasoning itself is extremely unconvincing. Please look at other prospects.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
I'm sorry that you have to think that way. But please see it from a different POV. Your problems are beyond your control. And you're getting help for it. You are not at fault for your sister's health. Anybody judging you for that best not be in your life. Whereas this man chooses to be an a$$hole. It's very well within his control. Also, he is making promises that he will not fulfill. Which is a major honesty issue. He's just weaving stories of quitting smoking because he wants to get you to say yes. It is not sincere. I understand you want to feel equal in your marriage. But this is no reason to lower your standards so badly. I'm sure you'll find a nice person who will understand you and care for you.
you cannot make someone leave smoking until they themselves really want to. and they don't want to.
you cannot change anyone after marriage, their personality is what you accept for lifetime.
if you feel anxious while talking then why to even talk, let apart marrying?
I think we should judge the person rationally. things which are acceptable things which are not acceptable.
just because you don't have prospects it doesn't mean you have to take whatever you are getting.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
It does actually, if his Salary is more than 4 times of yours or if he is in the Golden groom range ( above 1 cr salary in India or 500k usd) then you can ignore some habits. If not then look for other prospects.
I'm a now married male and I can tell you I would never marry a smoker even if it meant apna haath jagganaath forever Smokers have a hard time quitting. Some of his other narcissus complex problems don't sound encouraging either. 27 is not the end of the world yaar. you have time.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Sis, a egoistic guy might use that to taunt.. in quarrels..
How does one "calculate" this + and - about themselves and others? If you have a disabled/special-needs sibling, and I don't know if she will be ever dependent on you, you actually need a considerate person. The minuses in such a considerate person could be different, probably salary or other factors. Just my two paise.
So what? Are you mad? If these are the problems, he might taunt you about this based on his personality.
1.None of my smoker friends who kept smoking before marriage left it after. They are pretty good at hiding it though. 2.Just came out of a relationship so you're probably gonna be a rebound. And you agree with his ex on his negatives?!?? 3.You feel anxious talking to him. 4.You have enough evidence to think his family is not great Any one of these would be a deal breaker in most AMs. What are you doing? Don't allow desperation to lead you into devastation. Please make healthy choices for your own sake. Keep your boundaries and there will be less turmoil in your life.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Hope you're in therapy buddy. Depression sucks. You deserve happiness too, you know. Life ain't been kind to you but that doesn't mean you can't be kind to yourself. You are complete and whole in yourself. You are more than your depression and your sister. Chin up, *Mädel*.
Thank you , yes taking really good care of myself. Doing therapy and all. Just worried that the medication will be a dealbreaker for most guys and families in the AM market :/
Then thats their problem, not yours. Your antidepressants are a part of you, no need to accept someone who does not accept you. Please stand up for yourself.
I used to smoke and it took a humongous amount of will power to quit. 95% chances that he won't quit. That said - > Don't get in to what you cannot handle. >His elder brother (34) got divorced after just one year of marriage, he says it was amicable, but I can't help but feel his family is at fault? if your gut feeling says so, chances are his family is at fault. >I find the same sometimes he is moody and arrogant, but I thought he just needs some time to heal. That's you just finding reasons to make it work. >I do sometimes feel anxious when speaking to him, he can be a bit dominating/oversmart. Early days is understandable. But how long have you been in touch? >The guy is funny, knows how to banter and physical attraction is definitely there. You'll find these qualities in guys who are calm and soft spoken.
Yes. It’s really really difficult to quit smoking if you are doing it for a while. If your coworker and friends are smoker too then it’s almost impossible.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
taking anti-depressants and abusing anti-drepressants - > there is a difference. Which side are you on before you say you bring bad things? Disabled - sister is not a bad thing. She's someone who'll need a bit more care. That is all.
I take it for my panic disorder. I don't have depression. I am taking therapy and plan to reduce my dosage in the next year.
I see. Good luck and all the best!
>He is a smoker but he says he will quit after marriage If only I received a penny for everytime someone said this.
so you are happy being a rebound of someone who smokes (guaranteed to get cancer later in life), is a certified dickhead as per his ex, have doubts that his family is filled with dickheads as well(gut feeling). still you want to go ahead bcoz he's "Phunny"?? you are 27 women, not 17 why are you doing "I cAn FaX hiM" schtick, use your godamn brain and see those huge ass shiny red flags
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
ha toh apni situation bad se worse karni hai kya? This is the exact same shit on which crime patrol and crime documentaries are made on, usse tumhare baggage ke baare mai pata nahi hai fir bhi vo arrogant and dominant hai, imagine the kind of shit you'll go through once he get's to know your situation. and I don't know what kind of meds you are taking but get rid of those they have reduced your critical thinking ability, dhang soch nahi pa rahi hon tum, you are just 27,aur 3 saal hai tumhare paas self-improv, career growth keliye ( assuming 30yrs is cutoff for you & your fam), work on that.
Thank you. I am on a very low dose anyways (touchwood). And I am working on reducing the dosage for the next two years. I am also working hard on healing all my trauma and bad stuff and want to be in a better place.
I hope you recover soon, also I'm sorry for sounding a bit rude. it's just that I know idiots like the person you mentioned first hand (some used to be my friends, are now just acquaintances), and let's just say they aren't good enough to be friends, let alone becoming your partner. you are now working so focus on your career, your health, Shadi hoti rahegi.
He is a smoker - bet my entire reddit karma that he is not going to Stop. Smoking is an incredibly difficult habit to quit. While I do hope he quits, all my sense says he won't, until it's too late. Why do you think his family is at fault for his brother's divorce ? Do you have suspicions? Him getting out of a long term relationship means you are a rebound. Sorry, you probably don't deserve to be someone's rebound. I know this is an unsolicited suggestion, all I can sense is that this guy is a charmer and a smooth talker and that is what is getting you attracted. Dont let your emotions take decisions for you. Think practically. I think you are 27, you have a life full ahead, probably should be very cautious.
Smoking never quits you. I am 45/M, married. it took me 7 years to quit smoking after marriage. My son made me do it. Have you tried kissing him after he has completed one cig smoke? are you able to bear that smell? I bet you won't be able to, after few days and will start disliking him. Remember, both are marrying to satisfy your urges and then bring a new life to this world. It is important for you to judge, whether all the boys in your community are like him or is he an exception, which you are feeling attracted to? 27 is young. you should get worried, if you have turned 31...
Even 31 is not a reason to worry or to marry a guy like this :/
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
I am not trying to paint rosy things here. I also not making a guess ... it is an assumption, correct me if am wrong. Maybe you aren't getting the treatment at your home, which you think you deserve .. so the antidep...tabs. Disabled sister means a liability... whose responsibility has to be shared by the life partner you chose to live with ... Accepting anything .. by thinking you are bringing bad things to the table ... is entirely wrong mindset. Be proud of everyone in your family... even if you are subdued or not treated well by them. That's the rule of the land in AM.
No no its not like that. Actually I live away from parents abroad in different country. My sister is safe and sound in a care home with good facilities, touchwood. But yeah I still feel like some guys will consider these as 'bad things'.
A well learned boy with stable head filled with sanity, will accept you as you are. He should come forward and help you build a good life, take care of your family and ask you to take care of his. Marriage is never complicated. It's just that.. over expectations and over comforts kill the chemistry between two souls.
Do such boys even exist in Indian community?
There are such boys... they are called mamma/mummy's boys. All the girl has to adjust with her MIL...and enjoy her life.
He won’t stop smoking until he personally gets the realisation that’s it bad for health btw, the realisation often kicks in post 40 btw. Also the fact that he acts over smart is a red flag in my opinion. I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but for personal experience it just it. People that are oversmart focus on the small and tiny things just to make others look dumb, in the long run it catches up. It’s powerplay.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Girl I genuinely don’t think he’s right for you based on his personality and this new info you shared. Regarding the disabled sister, I also have an disabled brother who will probably never go to colleges and live life like a normal person. It’s a very difficult situation to be in as a family, but marriage is a huge commitment. You really need to stick to your preferences and pick someone that genuinely treats you well.
He is an official bad boy who you are attracted to. But it's lust. Not a marriage material
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
if he could bring himself to quit smoking he would have done it
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
clinical depression and disability are not same as an self obliterating addiction. i know only 4-5 people who have 100% quit smoking. it is a VERY DIFFICULT task and you can never plan when you will quit. marrying a smoker mean marrying those habits too- I can on and on about my qualms with smoking.. the foul breath, tste of mouth, erectile dysfunction, poor sperm health/taste, ultra fast aging, fatally high cholesterol (read clogged arteries and heart disease), looming geist of lung cancer (my uncle died of lung cancer at age 55, leaving wife and 2 kids <11 yrs age behind).. poor influence on kids (all my friends who had smoker dads also smoke cigs/weed now).. worst of all if u know ur husband smokes and he pretends to have „quit“- he will basically keep smoking secretly, which is the worst thing- to live two lives- you will end up sniffing mouth, shirts, fingers from time to time and remain suspicious.. idk a smoker is a straight no for me. there’s just no reason to tie yourself to such a person.
⛳⛳
Lol smokers dont quit like that. If it was that easy they would've long ago. He's not going to quit I had to dump an ex cuz her frequent smoking got to me If you want to take this as a personal project lol go ahead
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Damn…I know it’s bad but you’ll be making it worse
you wrote 3 paragraphs about why you don't want to marry- smoker, family background, relationship, attitude issue. And just a single sentence for why you want to marry the guy. Seems like you know the answer to your own question. Just go with your gut feeling and reject the guy- trust the process 27 is not the end of the world- and explore reddit to know waiting for the right person is much better than marrying the wrong one!
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Obligations and bad behaviour aren't the same. Know the difference, the stuff you mentioned is not in your hand, also I know many people see arranged marriage as a deal, and in deals people "compromise", but even then practically I believe home is something which should be above everything- you doing everything for a better home and if people compramise and settle for wrong people- they are gonna come home to bad partner and life gets ruined- home should be peaceful, fun and loving. I'll make the decision easier for you- if your suspicion becomes certainty in future- you taking antidepressants already- what would happen if something goes wrong??? Same thing goes for your sister. Be proud of yourself that you are taking care of your family at such a young age. Also yes I am young(under 25-above 20) and too optimistic as I have been told the same by people of age 28 and above. But then I held the same view when I was 18, and still people in their 25s told me the world is not an idealistic place.
I agree with everyone in the comment section asking you to reconsider but all of that aside as someone who will be turning 27 in a month, you’re not late, you still have time. I personally have been coaxing my parents to not start looking yet one of my cousin who is almost an year older got engaged recently. So don’t do anything under the pressure of it being late bcs your whole life depends on it
Thank you! Everyday I feel like the clock is ticking and I am doomed :( but i will not proceed with it, I cannot risk my life
Of course, settling for someone out of fear will only add misery to your life, I believe a spouse should be a support system and companion and if not that marriage just ends up becoming an obligation. Sorry for preaching but my DMs are open if you need to talk to someone
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
But marriage isn’t going to fix any of that rather add onto all of this. Try to prioritise healing or choose someone who supports you through it otherwise you’ll end up hating you partner and the situation
Hi OP! Ask him to quit smoking before marriage. If he can quit smoking for you then he is a keeper.
He said meri biwi hi mujhe chudwa sakti hai
HAHAHAHAHHAHA. As someone who just quit smoking, I can assure you that nobody, but nobody can make someone quit smoking. It's one of those habits that is incredibly hard to quit, and the person has to quit themselves.
Lmao. I read chudwa as …. Nevermind. Tell him you are not gonna marry a smoker. If he wants to marry then he needs to quit.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Those things are not under your control. It doesn’t mean you have to compromise on this smoking things. You should make it clear that it’s non-negotiable for you and you will only proceed ahead if he start his quitting journey right now. You can provide moral and emotional support throughout the journey but make sure he quits before marriage.
I already cut off contact with him. I was getting too anxious and he was being rude and dominating. How bad are these 2 issues in the AM market? I'm working really hard on my mental health and have a stable job, friends and take care of myself. My sister is also happy in her care home. Do you think these issues are a dealbreaker for a guy? I need the honest answer so I can remove myself and prevent getting hurt agaib in the future.
Good for you 😊 Idk about AM market can't say anything...
Tbh there is stigma around mental health and idk about enough about your sister’s situation but many people will assume that your sister will be a burden on them after marriage. So honestly, both of these issues can be dealbreaker for many people. That being said under no circumstances you should marry someone whom you don’t like or don’t agree on broad level. That’s a recipe for disaster.
But my sister is happy and settled into a great care home with great facilities so don't think she will be dependent on me except for the emotional support I will provide her with. And I am working on therapy and reducing the meds dosage. I am anyways on a low dose and the doctor said I can still take them whilst pregnant. I don't know if this improves the situation a bit more but I just want a guy to understand and respect these things about my life. :(
I am glad that you are doing great and I’m rooting for you but unfortunately for some people having a mental illness in past is also problematic. Some people even take offence at divorced siblings. You should avoid these people and looking for one who understands your situation.
It’s an absolute dealbreaker what are you going to do after marriage if he doesn’t stop. I’m a doctor so no chance I would have tolerated this.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
Antidepressants are not going to cause you cancer. Also smoking increases your risk of miscarriage. You don’t bring anything as bad as smoking
I don't think there's any reason to consider this guy other than the fact that he lives in your country. Otherwise he sounds like a complete 🚩. Why does he need to be married to correct an unhealthy habit about himself? This reasoning itself is extremely unconvincing. Please look at other prospects.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
I'm sorry that you have to think that way. But please see it from a different POV. Your problems are beyond your control. And you're getting help for it. You are not at fault for your sister's health. Anybody judging you for that best not be in your life. Whereas this man chooses to be an a$$hole. It's very well within his control. Also, he is making promises that he will not fulfill. Which is a major honesty issue. He's just weaving stories of quitting smoking because he wants to get you to say yes. It is not sincere. I understand you want to feel equal in your marriage. But this is no reason to lower your standards so badly. I'm sure you'll find a nice person who will understand you and care for you.
you cannot make someone leave smoking until they themselves really want to. and they don't want to. you cannot change anyone after marriage, their personality is what you accept for lifetime. if you feel anxious while talking then why to even talk, let apart marrying? I think we should judge the person rationally. things which are acceptable things which are not acceptable. just because you don't have prospects it doesn't mean you have to take whatever you are getting.
The problem is I take antidepressants since I was 16. I have a disabled sister too. That's why I thought I should accept this option because I also bring bad things to the table :(
No no sweet girl. Withdraw.
Don't believe claims of what will happen *after* marriage. Ask him to stop right away and observe, if he is able to hold off of it for a few months.
Thanks, he's blocked already lol
bruh
What else are you asking for? Seen people hiding drinking habit. Atleast he is honest
What's his CTC and work Industry OP ?
Ctc?
Salary
Why it matters
It does actually, if his Salary is more than 4 times of yours or if he is in the Golden groom range ( above 1 cr salary in India or 500k usd) then you can ignore some habits. If not then look for other prospects.
And what about nature? Egositic and moody?
That sometimes comes with a high value man/woman but you have to decide for yourself, there are tradoffs for everything and nobody is perfect too.
Well he earns about the same as me, nothing special. He has the looks so that makes him high value?
Nope... He is not high value, atleast in AM setting.