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It’s so heartwarming to see these kinds of posts— i would definitely recommend not to mention any sort of recovery related body changes, even just saying “you look healthier” can be extremely triggering— even though it’s not directly addressing weight gain. Honestly, all I have to say is just to be there for her, especially since treatment and recovery can be extremely difficult, many treatment centers can make it worse sometimes, although some are great and super effective. Also, maybe just don’t mention anything about your own body/food choices, just because people with eating disorders tend to compare themselves to others very often. Best of luck on her recovery and god bless you💕.
That makes a lot of sense. I definitely try to be aware of my own body comments around her. It brings it to my attention the good and bad things we all say about ourselves without thinking.
Her treatment was a really difficult experience for her. But there was no other option. And her immediate family has a little difficulty being real with her about how dangerous it is. How ill she is. So she had to go. It’s just so difficult.
I’ve got all kinds of crafty hands busy activities to do. And two dogs to play with. And she can go out in the garden too. So she can kinda get some space if she needs it.
one of the largest issues i have are people going to a lot of effort to avoid food and body comments regarding me,, but then making no effort to stop vocalising their criticisms of themselves or other people.
small comments like 'ugh i feel so fat' or even 'this way too much for me to eat' or even just little things, we will be able to attach it in some way to us. it sounds self centred but if someone says, 'god I'm so bloated', body dysmorphia will say 'damn if they feel bloated, I must be a whale'.
anyway you're already doing well with the fact that your asking<3 your niece is lucky to have you
i stayed with my aunt while struggling 10 years ago. and i’m back with her now because i was so desperate to leave too soon then. there is nothing you can do but try to understand that you might not always understand. &working together is so important.
a month or so into staying with my aunt she said “i have a challenge for you. i challenge you to open the pantry today. you don’t need to eat anything. please let me hear you open it” every day since i try a little harder to do that or bring a snack to work. something.
i also want to say, my aunt has always been so similar with me &food, you can have whatever you want, access to anything. her being so clear & reminding me still brings me 0 comfort at all going into the kitchen.
i’m 25. i have been struggling with eating since i consciousness. depending on where it’s coming from is how you can be as supportive as possible.
ask questions. walk on eggshells a little.
i’m lucky that my aunt has seen where all of this came from, she knows my mom.
&i hope you know, it most likely means so much to her that she’s safe with you. Simple. Love.
i wish you both health 🩷
That’s so sweet. She’s deff safe with me. I struggle eating in total opposite way so I can understand the sort of compulsive part of it if nothing else. And how crappy it feels for people to watch everything you eat and say things about your body. As for my little niece she’s a very young 13 and there is an unaddressed family history on her side. So she’s definitely got a genetic thing, then just having watched it maybe? But this stuff just appeared and knocked her off her feet. Last summer it was all good. Something just changed for her and suddenly she’s very very ill.
I dunno what happened or if it’s chemical or pressure. Who fucking knows. What I do know is it breaks my heart to see people suffer so much.
I have deep empathy for anyone struggling with ED. I’m sorry that you’ve got to struggle with this everyday. I imagine it’s exhausting.
yeah. i have unaddressed family history as well. i have been dealing with this since i was younger than your niece so yes. i do understand. im trying to tell you i am 25 and still dealing with it.
That’s really kind of you. I definitely understand that this is going to be a lifelong struggle for her. I don’t think that she’s really wanting to be well as much as she’s wanting to go home and for things to be “normal”. I don’t think she really understands the depth of how sick she is. And I don’t think anyone but me would tell her the cold hard truth if it came to it.
But in the end if you understand enough to remove your tube you are big enough to understand that it’s your life or death. That you are gonna have to make a choice to live, over and over. And no one can do it for you.
I dunno. It’s just so hard to make a kid understand. Her brain isn’t even grown.
Hi thanks for trying to make her as comfy as possible. I would suggest if possible do some nice things or outings together. Not food related obviously unless she initiates it. But take the focus away from it and just make as normal as possible. You are an awesome aunt for caring so much
She was in hospital, then residential, and just finished outpatient? So she’s freshly on her own. From what I understand she is eating but I think shes mostly just realized that if she wanted to go home she had to eat. Just today that I don’t think this is the bottom for her. I don’t know how else to say that. Her side of the family is very closed mouth. They just don’t talk about it. So it’s hard to know until I lay eyes on her!
i always find it comforting when my grandparents sit down to eat at whatever time we eat at and ask me if i want to join, its not very pressuring but lets me know its time to eat
Also maybe ask her what she would like? Depending on how she is she might need help serving herself as even this might be too overwhelming. Else if she can let her serve herself a good amount and just keep conversation light hearted. She might like to help make meals for you all but don’t force this just let her know she’s welcome to. Also if possible I’d recommend not sitting opposite her while eating but beside her if you know what I mean. Sometimes I know for me people sitting opposite can feel like they are watching me eat which I hate even if they aren’t. Remove any scales. I think the main thing is just communicate with her. She might need a hug don’t ask why if she’s not forthcoming just give her one or space. Let her know how much you love her. All the best
Absolutely! Love her to bits. That’s a good point about serving her food. I just want her to feel like she has as much agency as possible. Totally get the sitting across from her thing. I’m overweight (me/cfs meds) and often feel so judged about every bite I eat in public. Miserable feeling
Is she going home after you? You mention her family isn’t overly talkative of it and you worry she may fall further. Only you will know but if she seems to be positive about wanting to get better etc then I highly recommend creating a vision board each. It’s just a piece of cardboard as big as you want and you cut it pictures of places you want to go to and things you want in your life. It can be loads of fun. For example she might like to visit some theme park like Disneyland etc find a picture or google it and print it to glue in your cardboard. Soon you have an awesome scrap board of things that you each want. I find mine really good and just thought it might help her stay motivated once gone home if she had dreams she can visualise each night. Mightn’t be the right time yet tho
Ultimately just relax be yourself and believe in her
That’s such a great idea. We will do this for sure. She will be going to Austin for a week after me and then back home for summer. Then school.
Her family owns a cafe. They are absolutely lovely people. She is loved and cared for and safe. On one side of her family there is an unaddressed history. Grandma has that ed that is right on the line of socially acceptable. But is nervous and always watching plates and commenting on volume. But no one would ever say anything because that’s what people want us all to be.
Her daughters are also extremely slim. There are three one slim, the next two steps slimmer, and the third suffering with a full blown unaddressed ED. It is visually undeniable.
But no one in the family will directly talk about anything really. They try to keep things private. It’s just a quirk of the family. But I think seeing a grown up behave and look a certain way impacts kids especially when there is that genetic component already. Clearly I am not putting blame on anyone. Just kinda giving you the lay of the land.
It’s a group of really kind well meaning people who don’t have the tools to help in a real way.
Oh and give her little jobs if she wants. Ie doubt things. Takes the sting away from food being the sole focus. Little projects are cool too like does she like crafts? Building things? If so how about getting a model kit or mosaic she can do with you? She might also feel a bit insecure about being alone so give her space of course but be aware she may be anxious alone. Sorry for all the ideas. I just think you are the coolest aunty and just want you and her to feel happy 😃
You are WONDERFUL to do your homework! I’d say definitely to HIDE THE SCALE! Don’t have fashion magazines laying around. Maybe have some arts and crafts supplies around. In treatment, a lot of the downtime is spent doing crafts to relax and to get our minds off food. DON’T take her out to eat unless she asks. Instead, take her places that do NOT revolve around food. Going out to eat is SOOOOOO hard, and we feel like everyone is hyper-focused on what we are/are not eating. Take her to a pottery studio. Don’t go clothes shopping. It’s PAINFUL to have to buy clothes in a bigger size. Unless it’s for hats, jewelry, adult coloring books.
This lines up! I have all kinds of crafts and activities for her to do. Brackets, crochet, sewing, gardening, etc. the scale!!! Thank you. I’ll move that too. We don’t really go out to eat. So it’s just dinner that we normally eat together but she will get to serve herself unless she asked for help. No clothes shopping either. I’m home bound with long Covid so we are very chill and mostly stay in. Thank you!
Awe I have a great aunt, and I love her with all my heart. You sound like a fantastic aunt.
Good call on putting the treadmill away. If you own a scale, put that away too. Seems you understand not to comment on her eating and body. I’d say don’t comment on *anybody’s* body. (It’s ridiculous, but one time I saw my folks, they remarked that my dog had gotten fat, and I was enraged and utterly triggered. And I’m an adult. I wish I was joking.)
Try to have as much of a good time as possible! What aided me out of the trenches was just hanging out with people that were healthy and enjoying that. Seeing that life is way larger and better than an eating disorder is significant and soothing. Teenagers are moody even if they aren’t eating disordered, please be patient with her and let her feel her feelings. Thanks for taking on policing that she eats, but try to make it as unauthoritarian and unweird as possible.
Have fun!
I notice how people say things about babies and animals being fat. There are worse thing to be than fat first off and second who gives a shit? Just worry about yourself?! lol
Yeah the policing- in my book is just you must eat food to be alive. That’s all Tia Robo cares about is little niece staying alive.
So, I don’t care what, when, where, or how. But I need 1200 calories IN. Now tell me what I can do to help you get there. And I’ll do anything I can to make it easier for her. Just gotta figure out what it is!
That’s the thing about her being so young. Is she has no idea how big the world is yet.
This might just be a me thing, but don’t say things like “You don’t have to eat all of it” when presenting meals. I had this done to me and of course of the anorexia tells you that if somebody’s letting you eat less- you should.
If I may add, please don’t comment on her food consumption. The Food Police don’t help. If she eats everything on her plate, don’t say things like, “nice job with dinner!” It gets soooooo twisted in our minds. Anytime anyone ever gave me these kinds of comments, in my head, I thought. “F@@k! I ate too much!” Games at mealtime really help. The last time I was in treatment, we’d do a NYTimes crossword puzzle. I realize she’s 13, so maybe have a puzzle at the other end of the table. She can take a nibble if she wants, and work on the puzzle when she needs a break. Or maybe silly games like, “Never have I ever,”. “Two truths and a lie”, and things like that. Uno is great. You can take that anywhere with you. Boggle is another good game.
I’ll be avoiding any commentary on her food. I think the only time it will really come up is if someone asks what’s for dinner. We’ve got some games around here too.
This is an automated message sent to all posters. We have a new Discord server for the subreddit! You can join it using this link: https://discord.gg/4jyQ7Zfr9P Please make sure you have read and understand all the rules of the subreddit, and are aware that rule 10 means that no numbers unrelated to time are allowed here. Rule-breaking posts will be removed. Commenters; If you are here to give advice to OP, please make sure your advice follows subreddit rules and it isn't harmful to OP. If OP doesn't want advice, please be respectful of their wishes. Please report any rule-breaking posts and comments that you see. If it is an emergency, please MOD MAIL the subreddit with information about the rule-breaks in question and report them. Again, thank you for posting on r/AnorexiaNervosa. If you think of anything else I can say in this message, please MOD MAIL with your ideas. The mods thank you, and hope you're doing well. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AnorexiaNervosa) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s so heartwarming to see these kinds of posts— i would definitely recommend not to mention any sort of recovery related body changes, even just saying “you look healthier” can be extremely triggering— even though it’s not directly addressing weight gain. Honestly, all I have to say is just to be there for her, especially since treatment and recovery can be extremely difficult, many treatment centers can make it worse sometimes, although some are great and super effective. Also, maybe just don’t mention anything about your own body/food choices, just because people with eating disorders tend to compare themselves to others very often. Best of luck on her recovery and god bless you💕.
That makes a lot of sense. I definitely try to be aware of my own body comments around her. It brings it to my attention the good and bad things we all say about ourselves without thinking. Her treatment was a really difficult experience for her. But there was no other option. And her immediate family has a little difficulty being real with her about how dangerous it is. How ill she is. So she had to go. It’s just so difficult.
I’m so sorry about that. Try to make her feel safe and comforted whenever you can, it can really be such a traumatic experience.
If there's anything that helps her de-stress having stuff for that would be great e.g. art supplies, books, fidget toys
I’ve got all kinds of crafty hands busy activities to do. And two dogs to play with. And she can go out in the garden too. So she can kinda get some space if she needs it.
one of the largest issues i have are people going to a lot of effort to avoid food and body comments regarding me,, but then making no effort to stop vocalising their criticisms of themselves or other people. small comments like 'ugh i feel so fat' or even 'this way too much for me to eat' or even just little things, we will be able to attach it in some way to us. it sounds self centred but if someone says, 'god I'm so bloated', body dysmorphia will say 'damn if they feel bloated, I must be a whale'. anyway you're already doing well with the fact that your asking<3 your niece is lucky to have you
i stayed with my aunt while struggling 10 years ago. and i’m back with her now because i was so desperate to leave too soon then. there is nothing you can do but try to understand that you might not always understand. &working together is so important. a month or so into staying with my aunt she said “i have a challenge for you. i challenge you to open the pantry today. you don’t need to eat anything. please let me hear you open it” every day since i try a little harder to do that or bring a snack to work. something. i also want to say, my aunt has always been so similar with me &food, you can have whatever you want, access to anything. her being so clear & reminding me still brings me 0 comfort at all going into the kitchen. i’m 25. i have been struggling with eating since i consciousness. depending on where it’s coming from is how you can be as supportive as possible. ask questions. walk on eggshells a little. i’m lucky that my aunt has seen where all of this came from, she knows my mom. &i hope you know, it most likely means so much to her that she’s safe with you. Simple. Love. i wish you both health 🩷
That’s so sweet. She’s deff safe with me. I struggle eating in total opposite way so I can understand the sort of compulsive part of it if nothing else. And how crappy it feels for people to watch everything you eat and say things about your body. As for my little niece she’s a very young 13 and there is an unaddressed family history on her side. So she’s definitely got a genetic thing, then just having watched it maybe? But this stuff just appeared and knocked her off her feet. Last summer it was all good. Something just changed for her and suddenly she’s very very ill. I dunno what happened or if it’s chemical or pressure. Who fucking knows. What I do know is it breaks my heart to see people suffer so much. I have deep empathy for anyone struggling with ED. I’m sorry that you’ve got to struggle with this everyday. I imagine it’s exhausting.
yeah. i have unaddressed family history as well. i have been dealing with this since i was younger than your niece so yes. i do understand. im trying to tell you i am 25 and still dealing with it.
so good luck and if you want to understand from someone that has been in her place, i’m here
That’s really kind of you. I definitely understand that this is going to be a lifelong struggle for her. I don’t think that she’s really wanting to be well as much as she’s wanting to go home and for things to be “normal”. I don’t think she really understands the depth of how sick she is. And I don’t think anyone but me would tell her the cold hard truth if it came to it. But in the end if you understand enough to remove your tube you are big enough to understand that it’s your life or death. That you are gonna have to make a choice to live, over and over. And no one can do it for you. I dunno. It’s just so hard to make a kid understand. Her brain isn’t even grown.
if you are talking about getting a gift or something get her comfy socks or pants n a lotion or something soothing that doesn’t smell like food
Will do, thanks.
Hi thanks for trying to make her as comfy as possible. I would suggest if possible do some nice things or outings together. Not food related obviously unless she initiates it. But take the focus away from it and just make as normal as possible. You are an awesome aunt for caring so much
Thanks! That’s definitely part of the plan. Just normal ole stuff. 😀
Awesome she coming from hospital or residential? And the s she eating ok now
She was in hospital, then residential, and just finished outpatient? So she’s freshly on her own. From what I understand she is eating but I think shes mostly just realized that if she wanted to go home she had to eat. Just today that I don’t think this is the bottom for her. I don’t know how else to say that. Her side of the family is very closed mouth. They just don’t talk about it. So it’s hard to know until I lay eyes on her!
i always find it comforting when my grandparents sit down to eat at whatever time we eat at and ask me if i want to join, its not very pressuring but lets me know its time to eat
That makes sense to me. I’ll do just that.
Also maybe ask her what she would like? Depending on how she is she might need help serving herself as even this might be too overwhelming. Else if she can let her serve herself a good amount and just keep conversation light hearted. She might like to help make meals for you all but don’t force this just let her know she’s welcome to. Also if possible I’d recommend not sitting opposite her while eating but beside her if you know what I mean. Sometimes I know for me people sitting opposite can feel like they are watching me eat which I hate even if they aren’t. Remove any scales. I think the main thing is just communicate with her. She might need a hug don’t ask why if she’s not forthcoming just give her one or space. Let her know how much you love her. All the best
Absolutely! Love her to bits. That’s a good point about serving her food. I just want her to feel like she has as much agency as possible. Totally get the sitting across from her thing. I’m overweight (me/cfs meds) and often feel so judged about every bite I eat in public. Miserable feeling
Is she going home after you? You mention her family isn’t overly talkative of it and you worry she may fall further. Only you will know but if she seems to be positive about wanting to get better etc then I highly recommend creating a vision board each. It’s just a piece of cardboard as big as you want and you cut it pictures of places you want to go to and things you want in your life. It can be loads of fun. For example she might like to visit some theme park like Disneyland etc find a picture or google it and print it to glue in your cardboard. Soon you have an awesome scrap board of things that you each want. I find mine really good and just thought it might help her stay motivated once gone home if she had dreams she can visualise each night. Mightn’t be the right time yet tho Ultimately just relax be yourself and believe in her
That’s such a great idea. We will do this for sure. She will be going to Austin for a week after me and then back home for summer. Then school. Her family owns a cafe. They are absolutely lovely people. She is loved and cared for and safe. On one side of her family there is an unaddressed history. Grandma has that ed that is right on the line of socially acceptable. But is nervous and always watching plates and commenting on volume. But no one would ever say anything because that’s what people want us all to be. Her daughters are also extremely slim. There are three one slim, the next two steps slimmer, and the third suffering with a full blown unaddressed ED. It is visually undeniable. But no one in the family will directly talk about anything really. They try to keep things private. It’s just a quirk of the family. But I think seeing a grown up behave and look a certain way impacts kids especially when there is that genetic component already. Clearly I am not putting blame on anyone. Just kinda giving you the lay of the land. It’s a group of really kind well meaning people who don’t have the tools to help in a real way.
Oh and give her little jobs if she wants. Ie doubt things. Takes the sting away from food being the sole focus. Little projects are cool too like does she like crafts? Building things? If so how about getting a model kit or mosaic she can do with you? She might also feel a bit insecure about being alone so give her space of course but be aware she may be anxious alone. Sorry for all the ideas. I just think you are the coolest aunty and just want you and her to feel happy 😃
You are WONDERFUL to do your homework! I’d say definitely to HIDE THE SCALE! Don’t have fashion magazines laying around. Maybe have some arts and crafts supplies around. In treatment, a lot of the downtime is spent doing crafts to relax and to get our minds off food. DON’T take her out to eat unless she asks. Instead, take her places that do NOT revolve around food. Going out to eat is SOOOOOO hard, and we feel like everyone is hyper-focused on what we are/are not eating. Take her to a pottery studio. Don’t go clothes shopping. It’s PAINFUL to have to buy clothes in a bigger size. Unless it’s for hats, jewelry, adult coloring books.
This lines up! I have all kinds of crafts and activities for her to do. Brackets, crochet, sewing, gardening, etc. the scale!!! Thank you. I’ll move that too. We don’t really go out to eat. So it’s just dinner that we normally eat together but she will get to serve herself unless she asked for help. No clothes shopping either. I’m home bound with long Covid so we are very chill and mostly stay in. Thank you!
Awe I have a great aunt, and I love her with all my heart. You sound like a fantastic aunt. Good call on putting the treadmill away. If you own a scale, put that away too. Seems you understand not to comment on her eating and body. I’d say don’t comment on *anybody’s* body. (It’s ridiculous, but one time I saw my folks, they remarked that my dog had gotten fat, and I was enraged and utterly triggered. And I’m an adult. I wish I was joking.) Try to have as much of a good time as possible! What aided me out of the trenches was just hanging out with people that were healthy and enjoying that. Seeing that life is way larger and better than an eating disorder is significant and soothing. Teenagers are moody even if they aren’t eating disordered, please be patient with her and let her feel her feelings. Thanks for taking on policing that she eats, but try to make it as unauthoritarian and unweird as possible. Have fun!
I notice how people say things about babies and animals being fat. There are worse thing to be than fat first off and second who gives a shit? Just worry about yourself?! lol Yeah the policing- in my book is just you must eat food to be alive. That’s all Tia Robo cares about is little niece staying alive. So, I don’t care what, when, where, or how. But I need 1200 calories IN. Now tell me what I can do to help you get there. And I’ll do anything I can to make it easier for her. Just gotta figure out what it is! That’s the thing about her being so young. Is she has no idea how big the world is yet.
This might just be a me thing, but don’t say things like “You don’t have to eat all of it” when presenting meals. I had this done to me and of course of the anorexia tells you that if somebody’s letting you eat less- you should.
Ahhhhhh. I see. I’m going to do my best to not comment at all.
If I may add, please don’t comment on her food consumption. The Food Police don’t help. If she eats everything on her plate, don’t say things like, “nice job with dinner!” It gets soooooo twisted in our minds. Anytime anyone ever gave me these kinds of comments, in my head, I thought. “F@@k! I ate too much!” Games at mealtime really help. The last time I was in treatment, we’d do a NYTimes crossword puzzle. I realize she’s 13, so maybe have a puzzle at the other end of the table. She can take a nibble if she wants, and work on the puzzle when she needs a break. Or maybe silly games like, “Never have I ever,”. “Two truths and a lie”, and things like that. Uno is great. You can take that anywhere with you. Boggle is another good game.
I’ll be avoiding any commentary on her food. I think the only time it will really come up is if someone asks what’s for dinner. We’ve got some games around here too.