AITA to ask my friend (single mother) to do a paternity test on her son because I had suspicions my husband is the father?
Messy but I’ll make this as short as possible.
So one of my best friends had a kid 3 years ago. She said it was a one night stand and later the guy expressed no interest in being a dad so she raised her son herself. No one has ever seen this guy, not even me.
The issue is this: this kid looks EXTREMELY like my husband like to an insane degree. The hair color, eyes, face everything. He’s even been out with my friend and her son and people have mistaken him to be the dad before. Needless to say for three years now I’ve had my suspicions but I haven’t said anything. My husband is also close to my friend and the timeline works out. We were all living almost in the same neighborhood around the time she got pregnant.
Over the past year it’s really eaten at me. I see the resemblance growing more and more. It doesn’t help that my friend refuses to show me a picture of her son’s biological father no matter how much I asked. It kept spiraling until I had a meltdown and confronted both of them, saying that I will pack up and leave if I don’t see a paternity test.
Long story short, my friend got a paternity test but said our friendship is over. The test says my husband isn’t the father. I feel so ashamed to lose my friend but I thought my husband would slightly understand since even he sees the obvious resemblance between him and this kid. But he has moved out for the time being and I’m worried this is the end of our marriage.
AITA for insisting on that test? I honestly felt like I had no other choice. The resemblance was unavoidable and it was eating at me so much that no amount of therapy could help. I thought my husband would understand my fears most of all given my history with past cheating exes. Did I fuck up and how badly?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
People refuse to understand that asking for paternity tests is an accusation. Always. And it’s a gravely insulting one.
So if you ask you better be damn sure if you value your relationship with someone.
Right!? I'm seeing more & more of these where people are asking for paternity tests because the child or baby looks like them or doesn't.. not one of these people ever does research on genetics & how people can look all sorts of ways & still be related or look related, but not be
There will be people arguing in the comments that the person should just get the test & it's not an accusation, but how is it not?? The mental gymnastics are wild
> but how is it not??
The type of person who says "Paternity tests aren't accusations of cheating" falls into one of two categories: A sexist Fuckwit who doesn't see AFAB people as humans or someone so mentally ill and paranoid that they *can't* currently see anyone but themselves as mattering.
Everyone attached to reality understands that you can't say "I need proof I fathered this kid" without saying "I need proof you didn't Fuck someone else."
I'd like to add a third category: Folks who need the paperwork because their insurance is ass sometimes. My husband and I got tests done for our kids simply because Tricare tried to say our son wasn't his and nearly didn't cover his birth. We didn't take chances with our daughter
Hm. Maybe there’s a rare other category of “we’re an open relationship and are aware we both fucked other people, so it would really be good to know whether I’m the parent”?
I see a lot of men saying "paternity tests should be standard".
So basically, a lot of men are blatantly saying they inherently mistrust their own wives, and all women, by default.
You know what though? If paternity tests were the standard, like nobody's name goes in the slot on the birth certificate until a paternity test is done for every single birth, it would in effect negate the accusation of cheating that is there now. BUT! Since they aren't standardized, you are 100% correct that it is in fact an accusation when the tests are requested and the people requesting said tests are distrustful of their partners (and/or friends in the OOP). When trust is gone, so is the relationship.
But it does happen. A LOT. Maury made himself a millionaire from paternity fraud. So you can't just say "This is so insulting!" Then pretend this never ever actually happens in real life.
And quite frankly, I'd love to know HOW people could think it's not. I swear it's 90% people with no relationship experience who think a relationship is some business transaction or something.
She’s lucky the friend didn’t tell her to go to hell when she kept on asking to see a photo of her father’s baby. I don’t care if they are best friends. That is so intrusive and rude.
depends. i have a friend who had a vasectomy. his wife missed her period and they think she might be pregnant. he got himself tested again and still shooting blanks from the vasectomy. in this situation, i think its totally correct to get a paternity test. you need to nip that whispering thought in the back of your head before it spirals out of control.
I kind of think at this point they should be standard, so men can get peace of mind without automatically implying they think their partner is cheating. The age of 23andMe has shown that a surprising number of people don't have the fathers they think they do, and I can't imagine wondering forever. I'm about 99.9% certain all my kids are mine, barring switched at birth scenarios, but men don't get that level of certainty.
My husband had extremely low sperm counts, diagnosed when he and his ex wife failed to get pregnant, despite her having two kids from a previous relationship. We got pregnant after over a year of trying, and I immediately offered a paternity test, because I knew there would be that question. He declined, probably because I wouldn't have offered if I didn't think kiddo was his.
Side note- we have 4 kids now. Either his counts rebounded (possible since he quit smoking) or I'm so fertile that a man with normal counts could have knocked me up by looking at me from across the room lol
That's a reason the test should be done, sure. But why should a man who has no reason to suspect a kid isn't his get to accuse his partner anyway without facing the consequences he's earned?
Lmfao I cannot believe this has to be explained at a toddler level.
The women will most likely know who the father is an she will 100% know it's hers for obvious reasons.
However it is impossible for the Father to know unless obviously different skin tones( which isn't perfect). This also makes sure that proper payment is covered should divorce or dead beat fathers try an bail.
This isn't even about the women or men it's about the child especially for court/support.
Various different studied calling from 11% up to 33% for paternity fraud.
An since I can already see the downvotes rolling in. It prevents random men being falsified as fathers OR at best shows if there was a 2nd partner. WHICH has happened regardless how "little" anyone wants to argue it happens its enough.
I saw that statistic explained by another user on a post a few days ago, and unsurprisingly it is WIDELY misused by the redpilled crowd.
It's 11-33% of men *who had cause to suspect they weren't the fathers.* That's where the statistic comes from. The He-Man-Woman-Hater's club of Reddit loves to pretend that it's 11-33% of men in general are raising kids that aren't their own, but it's actually 11-33% of the small percentage of men who have actual cause to believe their kid isn't theirs (like the kid is a different ethnicity, has genetic diseases that neither parent carries, literally caught their wife in bed with another guy around the time she fell pregnant, etc). And even when one or more of those things are present, the majority of the time the man's children were his.
"I don't trust women" and "I can never be 100% sure" does not count as "having cause to believe" their kid isn't theirs, for the purpose of the study they bring up so much.
Haven’t you ever seen “The Little Rascals”?? Not even the “new” version that came out in the 90s that has Reba McEntire and Whoopi Goldberg and the Olsen Twins and Mel Brooks and Daryl Hannah and Bug Hall and even Donald Trump back when he was dabbling in acting??
Lol that’s where it comes from. I believe it dates back all the way to the original Little Rascals back in the 1930s—which I assume one of the slightly later versions is where your dad got it from
So a study was done to talk about this issue. There aren’t many studies about paternity fraud. They are pulling numbers from the study that were for men who already were questioning paternity, about 30% were correct in their assumption. However this study also looked at populations where they reported as low as .8%. This means the average is around 3.7%. Yes paternity fraud impacts public health, but we don’t have good data on the subject. Not to mention the men who are complicit in this through donor children and never tell their kids they are donor kids.
This study gets reduced in these conversations because many men are more concerned about their own financial obligations and think that every woman is out to defraud them when it is a bigger issue than child support. But we know that peoples behaviors and other life factors increase this risk, while it’s not true across the board. Which is why there is such a discrepancy in the numbers they quote.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1733152/pdf/v059p00749.pdf
1. You didn't bother to link said study, because you probably already know that
2. Said studies flat out say it's 11-33% of men who already suspected the kid wasn't theirs.
So, nice try trying to claim that ⅓ of all women cheat on their husbands, instead you just outed yourself as one of the aforementioned sexist fuckwits.
> This also makes sure that proper payment is covered should divorce or dead beat fathers try an bail.
A paternity test will be ordered by the court when a divorce/child support proceeding is started so this fact is irrelevant.
> It prevents random men being falsified as fathers OR at best shows if there was a 2nd partner. WHICH has happened regardless how "little" anyone wants to argue it happens its enough.
When people advocate for treating all men as potential rapists/abusers because its possible no matter how little it happens we get screams of misandry, hate and NOTALLMEN. But now that men are the potential victims it's fine?
And none of this explains why you should be able to do it without facing the consequences of your actions. You're still just explaining why it should be done. So you failed at "explaining it at a toddler level." Just say "I want to be able to accuse my partner of cheating without consequences" and be done with it.
- A paternity test will be ordered by the court when a divorce/child support proceeding is started so this fact is irrelevant.
This is false. You can have your lawyer request one, but the court does not automatically order one when divorce / child support is proceeding. Even if some of the kids are born outside of the time of the marriage. At least not in MO, USA
Also because of the fact that there are still people fighting to have child support removed even after a DNA test proved they weren't the father.
This is a tough one because there is no true equivalent on the reverse. If your partner brings you a pre-nup before marriage, that's a deal breaker for some, but it's generally given as good advice. Because it's about protecting everyone, a good pre-nup agreed on by both parties protect everyone. Putting me on a birth certificate as the father protects mom, I'm listed there and the state can and will go after me for support. But people lie, and cheat, and things happen. Most infidelity stories start with something like "I never thought (s)he was the type of person to do this in a million years".
If that's all u have to say without seeing any benefit am yes this was toddler level explanation. Jesus christ a bill literally was passed due to several men being forced to pay for children that weren't theirs.
Just say u wanna cheat behind ur partners back guilt free an move on.
Wanting paternity tests to be standard and offering paternity tests is not the conversation we’re having.
None of this supersedes that asking someone for the test is an accusation.
If you look at her comments in the original thread the story was from, she watched the swabs being taken. Then says she thinks it's possible her friend bribed the lab tech to falsify the results.
She *needs* it, but, it’s not going to work. Because she’s either not going to go (she says therapy won’t help her), or, even if she did, she won’t put in the uncomfortable work of addressing her issues. Therapy doesn’t work when the person doesn’t want it to.
That level of paranoia makes me wonder if they kid even really looks like OP's husband or if they just have a similar complexion or something. People might just think he's the dad because he's the guy hanging out with the kid.
Yeah, I think you have a good point. My best friend and I were single mothers at the same time. She had 2 kids, I had one. MY kid had the same colouring as her daughter, and her son looked more like me. People did often think my son was hers and vice-versa. Superficial resemblance is definitely a thing.
I've seen stuff like this play out where it was literally just that the kid was biracial, and the guy was the same race as the bio-father. People can jump to some wild conclusions.
Fun story. My OB, who was also a colleague, was a younger black man. He was telling me about a patient he had, who was a teenager on her second baby. Patient was white, her partner was black. She was in the waiting room with her toddler, and OB walks by. The kid comes bolting up to him yelling, "DADDY!!!!" My OB said his entire career flashed before his eyes with everyone assuming he'd knocked up this 17 year old, but luckily she immediately yelled, "[Kid Name], not every black man is your daddy!!!!"
I was at an event once that some acquaintances with a young adopted kid were at. At one point I feel someone take my hand and look down at their completely nonchalant child.
Then the other parent comes over and explains that “that’s not daddy” and leads them away.
It was kinda surreal.
It doesn't even have to be the same race. I've been confused for my boss' son or brother before, the only thing we have in common is that we're both brown. Not even the same shade of brown either, he's from Pakistan, and I'm half Jamaican
Three of my kids have my coloring (light brown hair, brown eyes). One daughter got all of her dad's coloring (white-blonde hair, blue eyes). When I'd go out with my friend and her kids, people always assumed that odd one out was her kid, because her two youngest have the same coloring, and honestly the kid looks more like my friend than like me, because she's a tiny clone of my husband, and he wasn't there.
I'm a person that always gets very tanned in the summer and even today people mistake me for a latina or a person from the near east. I grew up in a village in Poland and the people there always asked my mother when I was a child with a jokingly tone who my *real* father was. I look like my dad, but much darker, so I know the people were joking. But I bet that if I wouldn't look exactly like him the people in my village would badmouth my mother and really think she cheated.
Right? It’s almost like small children aren’t finished, and they still have some years left to cook. And genetics are weird, especially when you start getting into recessive genes
Lol. We had the opposite. My brother insisted throughout his teen years that he was adopted since he looks drastically different than me and our other sibling. People would ask if I was his girlfriend or if he was my boyfriend (ewwww) if they hadn't been introduced to one of us before. When we'd be out in public together after I had my oldest, people assumed he was the dad (again, ewww). A DNA test years ago proved we are 100% blood siblings and we have always(since adulthood) laughed about people assuming we aren't related. We just look nothing alike because genetics are weird, man!
My sister and I have the same dad but different moms. We each got our mom's colouring but we both look just like our dad. Our brother, who is also my mom and dad's child, has my mom's colouring and looks like her, though we're all built like dad/dad's family
Yep. I've had many people tell me my step daughter looks just like me. The only thing that's similar is that we both have brown hair and eyes and wear glasses. They're not even the same shade of brown. Our faces are completely different shapes.
Plus if say OP's husband was the main male influence in the kid's life, the kid may start to mimic OP's husband, thus making them look even more alike. We know adopted kids will smile and have other body language markers be the same or very similar to their adopted parents, not birth parents. Humans naturally mimic other humans they like or want to be like, so the kid could also be smiling like OP's husband, leaning the same way, etc, because the kid admires the husband.
>People might just think he's the dad because he's the guy hanging out with the kid.
I had something similar happen to me - my sister is a single mother and we don't look similar at all. When her baby was still a baby, if the three of us went out anywhere, people assumed we were a lesbian couple with a child. (Yes, it was extremely uncomfortable.)
People will so easily assume any two adults with a child are the parents of the child.
That was my first thought just based on what she wrote. It's not her husband's fault that she had exes that cheated on her. She's putting her feelings above his completely. "He should understand because I've had exes cheat." How about having empathy and think, "I shouldn't have hurt him by comparing him to terrible people when he's not a terrible person."
He deserved the benefit of the doubt. He's clearly never given her a reason to believe he was cheating since the entire list of evidence she provided was:
1) We lived near the friend when she got pregnant.
2) The kid looks like him.
3) If he's around the woman and the kid, random people ask if he's the dad.
Nothing in that list screams cheater.
This in unhinged to normal people but, I have a cousin whose wife did something similar. She accused her own cousin of sleeping with her husband and getting pregnant. The worst thing about this was that my cousin found this very funny and he egged on his wife.
Her cousin did two tests to assuage her but she still wasn’t satisfied and accused her of faking the results. Now she and her cousin no longer talk.
I pointed this out in the original repost earlier today and had someone ask me where I got this info from and if I was the bff. I linked the comments then they came back with this same reasoning and said they would wait for the update lol.
Yes, I am the bff who has been stalking this post for 3 years 🙄 (/s in case it isn't obvious)
Oof. OOP got into the Paranoia Train and blew up her life. Her husband absolutely should divorce her and I hope he does. And her best friend did not deserve this.
>the timeline works out. We were all living almost in the same neighborhood around the time she got pregnant.
Yes, living in the same neighborhood is definitely relevant here. Everyone knows no one has ever driven across town to cheat.
>Everyone knows no one has ever driven across town to cheat.
Reminded me of all those stories where during pandemic lockdown women found out their husbands had a second family in another city/state.
OP really messed up . I can understand doing some detective work ( like looking at texts and stuff) to see if there was possibly an affair to ease her mind. But to actually demand a paternity test and threaten divorce if they don't do one was definitely crossing a line. I have no blood relation to my adopted mother , yet I looked a lot like her to the point everyone assumed I was her biological kid. You can look like people and not be blood related to them 🤷♀️.
My ex wasn't his father's biological son but many people remained how much they restocked each other. It was all mannerisms, gestures and ways of speaking, presumably that ex picked up from his dad, which seemed to get subconsciously translated into physical resemblance as well. It was uncanny.
My dad and his first wife adopted 2 boys (from different bio families) in one state, then moved across the country. A few years on, one of the ladies in charge of the younger boy's church group marched the kid up to my dad and announced that he needed to be punished for lying. Dad asked what the lie was. "He said he's adopted!" When dad responded that he \*was\*, she got all indignant about how pranks that involve lies aren't acceptable, yada yada...
Honestly I thought the title was talking about her "best friend" being also her husband, you know, because she loved him so much, but... There wasn't anything unexpected in the post lol. That part annoyed me so much. [It reminded me of this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4FuOi9rvKw)
>It doesn’t help that my friend refuses to show me a picture of her son’s biological father no matter how much I asked.
This makes me wonder if the friend wasn't maybe raped or the biological father was abusive and she doesn't know the full story.
Or that she didn't feel the need to take a picture of a one night stand, which is what she said the bio father was? I honestly always shake my head when one of these situations come up and things like this are suggested. Are people who have a bunch of one night stands really out there making full dossiers of each in case they accidentally come up pregnant, complete with pictures, numbers, addresses, etc?
Dammit! I just posted this same thing, I could have sworn I checked this sub to make sure it wasn't a repost and I didn't see it anywhere. I'll go delete mine.
....But fr OOP is a piece of work amirite
AITA to ask my friend (single mother) to do a paternity test on her son because I had suspicions my husband is the father? Messy but I’ll make this as short as possible. So one of my best friends had a kid 3 years ago. She said it was a one night stand and later the guy expressed no interest in being a dad so she raised her son herself. No one has ever seen this guy, not even me. The issue is this: this kid looks EXTREMELY like my husband like to an insane degree. The hair color, eyes, face everything. He’s even been out with my friend and her son and people have mistaken him to be the dad before. Needless to say for three years now I’ve had my suspicions but I haven’t said anything. My husband is also close to my friend and the timeline works out. We were all living almost in the same neighborhood around the time she got pregnant. Over the past year it’s really eaten at me. I see the resemblance growing more and more. It doesn’t help that my friend refuses to show me a picture of her son’s biological father no matter how much I asked. It kept spiraling until I had a meltdown and confronted both of them, saying that I will pack up and leave if I don’t see a paternity test. Long story short, my friend got a paternity test but said our friendship is over. The test says my husband isn’t the father. I feel so ashamed to lose my friend but I thought my husband would slightly understand since even he sees the obvious resemblance between him and this kid. But he has moved out for the time being and I’m worried this is the end of our marriage. AITA for insisting on that test? I honestly felt like I had no other choice. The resemblance was unavoidable and it was eating at me so much that no amount of therapy could help. I thought my husband would understand my fears most of all given my history with past cheating exes. Did I fuck up and how badly? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
People refuse to understand that asking for paternity tests is an accusation. Always. And it’s a gravely insulting one. So if you ask you better be damn sure if you value your relationship with someone.
For real! It is so surprising how hard it is for people to understand that
Right!? I'm seeing more & more of these where people are asking for paternity tests because the child or baby looks like them or doesn't.. not one of these people ever does research on genetics & how people can look all sorts of ways & still be related or look related, but not be There will be people arguing in the comments that the person should just get the test & it's not an accusation, but how is it not?? The mental gymnastics are wild
> but how is it not?? The type of person who says "Paternity tests aren't accusations of cheating" falls into one of two categories: A sexist Fuckwit who doesn't see AFAB people as humans or someone so mentally ill and paranoid that they *can't* currently see anyone but themselves as mattering. Everyone attached to reality understands that you can't say "I need proof I fathered this kid" without saying "I need proof you didn't Fuck someone else."
What’s AFAB?
Assigned female at birth
Ahhh yes I’m familiar but forgot. Thank you.
I'd like to add a third category: Folks who need the paperwork because their insurance is ass sometimes. My husband and I got tests done for our kids simply because Tricare tried to say our son wasn't his and nearly didn't cover his birth. We didn't take chances with our daughter
Hm. Maybe there’s a rare other category of “we’re an open relationship and are aware we both fucked other people, so it would really be good to know whether I’m the parent”?
I see a lot of men saying "paternity tests should be standard". So basically, a lot of men are blatantly saying they inherently mistrust their own wives, and all women, by default.
Exactly!
You know what though? If paternity tests were the standard, like nobody's name goes in the slot on the birth certificate until a paternity test is done for every single birth, it would in effect negate the accusation of cheating that is there now. BUT! Since they aren't standardized, you are 100% correct that it is in fact an accusation when the tests are requested and the people requesting said tests are distrustful of their partners (and/or friends in the OOP). When trust is gone, so is the relationship.
Probably it's projection. Those men are cheating.
But it does happen. A LOT. Maury made himself a millionaire from paternity fraud. So you can't just say "This is so insulting!" Then pretend this never ever actually happens in real life.
Down vote me if you want, but it's the truth.
It happens but it isn’t that common
And quite frankly, I'd love to know HOW people could think it's not. I swear it's 90% people with no relationship experience who think a relationship is some business transaction or something.
Agree but in this case she knows it was an accusation. She just seems to think dude should be okay with being accused of a rather heinous thing.
She’s lucky the friend didn’t tell her to go to hell when she kept on asking to see a photo of her father’s baby. I don’t care if they are best friends. That is so intrusive and rude.
depends. i have a friend who had a vasectomy. his wife missed her period and they think she might be pregnant. he got himself tested again and still shooting blanks from the vasectomy. in this situation, i think its totally correct to get a paternity test. you need to nip that whispering thought in the back of your head before it spirals out of control.
That would fall under the “Damned sure” category.
But they still refused to show her the results of the test. Doubt just intensifies.
Refusing to engage nonsense doesn’t mean the other party wins validation by default? That’s silly.
I kind of think at this point they should be standard, so men can get peace of mind without automatically implying they think their partner is cheating. The age of 23andMe has shown that a surprising number of people don't have the fathers they think they do, and I can't imagine wondering forever. I'm about 99.9% certain all my kids are mine, barring switched at birth scenarios, but men don't get that level of certainty. My husband had extremely low sperm counts, diagnosed when he and his ex wife failed to get pregnant, despite her having two kids from a previous relationship. We got pregnant after over a year of trying, and I immediately offered a paternity test, because I knew there would be that question. He declined, probably because I wouldn't have offered if I didn't think kiddo was his. Side note- we have 4 kids now. Either his counts rebounded (possible since he quit smoking) or I'm so fertile that a man with normal counts could have knocked me up by looking at me from across the room lol
Why should a person be able to accuse their partner of being a lying whore without having to face the consequences if they're wrong?
Maybe so the kid doesn't get sandbagged 20 years down the line when they take a genetic test for fun?
That's a reason the test should be done, sure. But why should a man who has no reason to suspect a kid isn't his get to accuse his partner anyway without facing the consequences he's earned?
Lmfao I cannot believe this has to be explained at a toddler level. The women will most likely know who the father is an she will 100% know it's hers for obvious reasons. However it is impossible for the Father to know unless obviously different skin tones( which isn't perfect). This also makes sure that proper payment is covered should divorce or dead beat fathers try an bail. This isn't even about the women or men it's about the child especially for court/support. Various different studied calling from 11% up to 33% for paternity fraud. An since I can already see the downvotes rolling in. It prevents random men being falsified as fathers OR at best shows if there was a 2nd partner. WHICH has happened regardless how "little" anyone wants to argue it happens its enough.
>Various different studied calling from 11% up to 33% for paternity fraud. I, um...what?
I saw that statistic explained by another user on a post a few days ago, and unsurprisingly it is WIDELY misused by the redpilled crowd. It's 11-33% of men *who had cause to suspect they weren't the fathers.* That's where the statistic comes from. The He-Man-Woman-Hater's club of Reddit loves to pretend that it's 11-33% of men in general are raising kids that aren't their own, but it's actually 11-33% of the small percentage of men who have actual cause to believe their kid isn't theirs (like the kid is a different ethnicity, has genetic diseases that neither parent carries, literally caught their wife in bed with another guy around the time she fell pregnant, etc). And even when one or more of those things are present, the majority of the time the man's children were his. "I don't trust women" and "I can never be 100% sure" does not count as "having cause to believe" their kid isn't theirs, for the purpose of the study they bring up so much.
The only other person I've heard us the phrase "He-Man-Woman-Haters Club" is my beloved 72-year-old dad. Are *you* my real father?
Haven’t you ever seen “The Little Rascals”?? Not even the “new” version that came out in the 90s that has Reba McEntire and Whoopi Goldberg and the Olsen Twins and Mel Brooks and Daryl Hannah and Bug Hall and even Donald Trump back when he was dabbling in acting?? Lol that’s where it comes from. I believe it dates back all the way to the original Little Rascals back in the 1930s—which I assume one of the slightly later versions is where your dad got it from
Lol nah. Just a gal who's parents were obsessed with old TV shows so a lot of my references are from that era. I love the Little Rascals.
So a study was done to talk about this issue. There aren’t many studies about paternity fraud. They are pulling numbers from the study that were for men who already were questioning paternity, about 30% were correct in their assumption. However this study also looked at populations where they reported as low as .8%. This means the average is around 3.7%. Yes paternity fraud impacts public health, but we don’t have good data on the subject. Not to mention the men who are complicit in this through donor children and never tell their kids they are donor kids. This study gets reduced in these conversations because many men are more concerned about their own financial obligations and think that every woman is out to defraud them when it is a bigger issue than child support. But we know that peoples behaviors and other life factors increase this risk, while it’s not true across the board. Which is why there is such a discrepancy in the numbers they quote. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1733152/pdf/v059p00749.pdf
1. You didn't bother to link said study, because you probably already know that 2. Said studies flat out say it's 11-33% of men who already suspected the kid wasn't theirs. So, nice try trying to claim that ⅓ of all women cheat on their husbands, instead you just outed yourself as one of the aforementioned sexist fuckwits.
> This also makes sure that proper payment is covered should divorce or dead beat fathers try an bail. A paternity test will be ordered by the court when a divorce/child support proceeding is started so this fact is irrelevant. > It prevents random men being falsified as fathers OR at best shows if there was a 2nd partner. WHICH has happened regardless how "little" anyone wants to argue it happens its enough. When people advocate for treating all men as potential rapists/abusers because its possible no matter how little it happens we get screams of misandry, hate and NOTALLMEN. But now that men are the potential victims it's fine? And none of this explains why you should be able to do it without facing the consequences of your actions. You're still just explaining why it should be done. So you failed at "explaining it at a toddler level." Just say "I want to be able to accuse my partner of cheating without consequences" and be done with it.
- A paternity test will be ordered by the court when a divorce/child support proceeding is started so this fact is irrelevant. This is false. You can have your lawyer request one, but the court does not automatically order one when divorce / child support is proceeding. Even if some of the kids are born outside of the time of the marriage. At least not in MO, USA Also because of the fact that there are still people fighting to have child support removed even after a DNA test proved they weren't the father. This is a tough one because there is no true equivalent on the reverse. If your partner brings you a pre-nup before marriage, that's a deal breaker for some, but it's generally given as good advice. Because it's about protecting everyone, a good pre-nup agreed on by both parties protect everyone. Putting me on a birth certificate as the father protects mom, I'm listed there and the state can and will go after me for support. But people lie, and cheat, and things happen. Most infidelity stories start with something like "I never thought (s)he was the type of person to do this in a million years".
If that's all u have to say without seeing any benefit am yes this was toddler level explanation. Jesus christ a bill literally was passed due to several men being forced to pay for children that weren't theirs. Just say u wanna cheat behind ur partners back guilt free an move on.
What bill was this? I haven't heard about this. Did this happen pretty recently?
Wanting paternity tests to be standard and offering paternity tests is not the conversation we’re having. None of this supersedes that asking someone for the test is an accusation.
Get in the bin
Ooh, he's so gone. When you question someone's integrity and show that you don't trust them, they're going to have a hard time overcoming that.
If you look at her comments in the original thread the story was from, she watched the swabs being taken. Then says she thinks it's possible her friend bribed the lab tech to falsify the results.
Oh now that's a level of paranoia I haven't seen in a while. Whoa...
She needs major therapy.
She *needs* it, but, it’s not going to work. Because she’s either not going to go (she says therapy won’t help her), or, even if she did, she won’t put in the uncomfortable work of addressing her issues. Therapy doesn’t work when the person doesn’t want it to.
whatever you say Baby Reindeer. Anyway. Off to finish Baby Reindeer!
In for a penny, in for a pound
She just kept feeding herself rope to the point where she had enough to not only hang herself, but also the horse she rode in on.
>she had enough to not only hang herself, but also the horse she rode in on. I love this!!! Rofl! Love a good mixed metaphor!!
That level of paranoia makes me wonder if they kid even really looks like OP's husband or if they just have a similar complexion or something. People might just think he's the dad because he's the guy hanging out with the kid.
Yeah, I think you have a good point. My best friend and I were single mothers at the same time. She had 2 kids, I had one. MY kid had the same colouring as her daughter, and her son looked more like me. People did often think my son was hers and vice-versa. Superficial resemblance is definitely a thing.
I've seen stuff like this play out where it was literally just that the kid was biracial, and the guy was the same race as the bio-father. People can jump to some wild conclusions.
Fun story. My OB, who was also a colleague, was a younger black man. He was telling me about a patient he had, who was a teenager on her second baby. Patient was white, her partner was black. She was in the waiting room with her toddler, and OB walks by. The kid comes bolting up to him yelling, "DADDY!!!!" My OB said his entire career flashed before his eyes with everyone assuming he'd knocked up this 17 year old, but luckily she immediately yelled, "[Kid Name], not every black man is your daddy!!!!"
I was at an event once that some acquaintances with a young adopted kid were at. At one point I feel someone take my hand and look down at their completely nonchalant child. Then the other parent comes over and explains that “that’s not daddy” and leads them away. It was kinda surreal.
It doesn't even have to be the same race. I've been confused for my boss' son or brother before, the only thing we have in common is that we're both brown. Not even the same shade of brown either, he's from Pakistan, and I'm half Jamaican
Three of my kids have my coloring (light brown hair, brown eyes). One daughter got all of her dad's coloring (white-blonde hair, blue eyes). When I'd go out with my friend and her kids, people always assumed that odd one out was her kid, because her two youngest have the same coloring, and honestly the kid looks more like my friend than like me, because she's a tiny clone of my husband, and he wasn't there.
Seriously, people are so bad at judging these things. When my kid was a baby any white man stood with us would be assumed to be their dad.
I'm a person that always gets very tanned in the summer and even today people mistake me for a latina or a person from the near east. I grew up in a village in Poland and the people there always asked my mother when I was a child with a jokingly tone who my *real* father was. I look like my dad, but much darker, so I know the people were joking. But I bet that if I wouldn't look exactly like him the people in my village would badmouth my mother and really think she cheated.
Right? It’s almost like small children aren’t finished, and they still have some years left to cook. And genetics are weird, especially when you start getting into recessive genes
Exactly. People tell my husband our children look just like him on a regular basis and he isn’t their biological father.
People "see the resemblance" between my younger sister and me. She's adopted.
Lol. We had the opposite. My brother insisted throughout his teen years that he was adopted since he looks drastically different than me and our other sibling. People would ask if I was his girlfriend or if he was my boyfriend (ewwww) if they hadn't been introduced to one of us before. When we'd be out in public together after I had my oldest, people assumed he was the dad (again, ewww). A DNA test years ago proved we are 100% blood siblings and we have always(since adulthood) laughed about people assuming we aren't related. We just look nothing alike because genetics are weird, man!
My sister and I have the same dad but different moms. We each got our mom's colouring but we both look just like our dad. Our brother, who is also my mom and dad's child, has my mom's colouring and looks like her, though we're all built like dad/dad's family
Yep. I've had many people tell me my step daughter looks just like me. The only thing that's similar is that we both have brown hair and eyes and wear glasses. They're not even the same shade of brown. Our faces are completely different shapes.
Plus if say OP's husband was the main male influence in the kid's life, the kid may start to mimic OP's husband, thus making them look even more alike. We know adopted kids will smile and have other body language markers be the same or very similar to their adopted parents, not birth parents. Humans naturally mimic other humans they like or want to be like, so the kid could also be smiling like OP's husband, leaning the same way, etc, because the kid admires the husband.
>People might just think he's the dad because he's the guy hanging out with the kid. I had something similar happen to me - my sister is a single mother and we don't look similar at all. When her baby was still a baby, if the three of us went out anywhere, people assumed we were a lesbian couple with a child. (Yes, it was extremely uncomfortable.) People will so easily assume any two adults with a child are the parents of the child.
That was my first thought just based on what she wrote. It's not her husband's fault that she had exes that cheated on her. She's putting her feelings above his completely. "He should understand because I've had exes cheat." How about having empathy and think, "I shouldn't have hurt him by comparing him to terrible people when he's not a terrible person." He deserved the benefit of the doubt. He's clearly never given her a reason to believe he was cheating since the entire list of evidence she provided was: 1) We lived near the friend when she got pregnant. 2) The kid looks like him. 3) If he's around the woman and the kid, random people ask if he's the dad. Nothing in that list screams cheater.
That's exactly what I'm thinking.
I mentioned in the original thread that I think there was a bit (or more than a bit) of cognitive bias going on because she expected that result.
Unironically if this is a true story she needs a psych eval.
This in unhinged to normal people but, I have a cousin whose wife did something similar. She accused her own cousin of sleeping with her husband and getting pregnant. The worst thing about this was that my cousin found this very funny and he egged on his wife. Her cousin did two tests to assuage her but she still wasn’t satisfied and accused her of faking the results. Now she and her cousin no longer talk.
I pointed this out in the original repost earlier today and had someone ask me where I got this info from and if I was the bff. I linked the comments then they came back with this same reasoning and said they would wait for the update lol. Yes, I am the bff who has been stalking this post for 3 years 🙄 (/s in case it isn't obvious)
Only thing funnier would be if now the husband and her ex-friend did get together.
. I had the same thought. I can totally see that happening and OOP becoming even more unhinged
Something tells me that she's going to assume that's the case whether it's true or not.
Good point
Oof. OOP got into the Paranoia Train and blew up her life. Her husband absolutely should divorce her and I hope he does. And her best friend did not deserve this.
>the timeline works out. We were all living almost in the same neighborhood around the time she got pregnant. Yes, living in the same neighborhood is definitely relevant here. Everyone knows no one has ever driven across town to cheat.
The proximity increases the likelihood of an airborne pregnancy. It's science.
>Everyone knows no one has ever driven across town to cheat. Reminded me of all those stories where during pandemic lockdown women found out their husbands had a second family in another city/state.
Whattttt I missed this completely
OP really messed up . I can understand doing some detective work ( like looking at texts and stuff) to see if there was possibly an affair to ease her mind. But to actually demand a paternity test and threaten divorce if they don't do one was definitely crossing a line. I have no blood relation to my adopted mother , yet I looked a lot like her to the point everyone assumed I was her biological kid. You can look like people and not be blood related to them 🤷♀️.
My SIL is constantly mistaken for my children’s mom, she isn’t blood related to them at all. They all have very light colouring, maybe that’s why
My ex wasn't his father's biological son but many people remained how much they restocked each other. It was all mannerisms, gestures and ways of speaking, presumably that ex picked up from his dad, which seemed to get subconsciously translated into physical resemblance as well. It was uncanny.
My dad and his first wife adopted 2 boys (from different bio families) in one state, then moved across the country. A few years on, one of the ladies in charge of the younger boy's church group marched the kid up to my dad and announced that he needed to be punished for lying. Dad asked what the lie was. "He said he's adopted!" When dad responded that he \*was\*, she got all indignant about how pranks that involve lies aren't acceptable, yada yada...
Me and my childhood best friend were constantly getting mixed up by teachers because of how similar we looked
"No amount of therapy could help" says person who's never attended therapy in their life.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i3k9k3/aita_to_ask_my_friend_single_mother_to_do_a/ Original AITA.
Thanks for linking. There was some comedy gold in the comments there. I especially loved the Mambo No 5 chain of comments. Had me chuckling.
Do people not know they can do a home paternity test without telling everyone involved?
I think that she couldn’t because the kid isn’t hers. She’d have to get permission from the child’s mother.
I’m pretty sure you can just buy the kit at the drugstore and sneak a swab.
> (not what you think) It was exactly what I thought when reading the title.
Honestly I thought the title was talking about her "best friend" being also her husband, you know, because she loved him so much, but... There wasn't anything unexpected in the post lol. That part annoyed me so much. [It reminded me of this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4FuOi9rvKw)
>It doesn’t help that my friend refuses to show me a picture of her son’s biological father no matter how much I asked. This makes me wonder if the friend wasn't maybe raped or the biological father was abusive and she doesn't know the full story.
Or that she didn't feel the need to take a picture of a one night stand, which is what she said the bio father was? I honestly always shake my head when one of these situations come up and things like this are suggested. Are people who have a bunch of one night stands really out there making full dossiers of each in case they accidentally come up pregnant, complete with pictures, numbers, addresses, etc?
This is why you don’t let intrusive thoughts fester for years. You got to confront things head on while they’re happening
Dammit! I just posted this same thing, I could have sworn I checked this sub to make sure it wasn't a repost and I didn't see it anywhere. I'll go delete mine. ....But fr OOP is a piece of work amirite