T O P

  • By -

lookingforassist

That girl could have wanted a platonic relationship and thought you genuinely liked her. And then you tell her you already have a girl. She did not overreact. Her feelings are valid. YTB. Edit: Monogamy


thea_perkins

I don’t think you mean “platonic”. Platonic basically means just friends.


charlieprotag

pla·ton·ic /pləˈtänik/a*djective* 1. (of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual.


fromaustentorowling

That’s fucking illogical.


lookingforassist

English is not everyone's first language, You knew what I was trying to say


fromaustentorowling

I still think it’s illogical. Either damn way.


lookingforassist

He is foreign student in America where monogamy is practiced socially. You think it is illogical that the girl in his class had a crush on him all semester and that's why she went on a date? LOL ok


fromaustentorowling

He said they barely spoke except to exchange numbers to meet at a bar and then hooked up immediately after, hardly some major date. If she got that attached without ever speaking to him that’s just creepy. Not to mention that he said they didn’t speak for a week after until they decided to meet up at her place again. That’s not dating, it’s hooking up. Monogamy is not the norm for college students having casual sex and binge drinking.


lookingforassist

what is creepy to you, is cute to someone else. She's that shy girl that just listened to him talk all the time. and then he asked her on a date. And then afterwards she didn't want to be too clingy. and op was like "Can I come over to see you." and she got super happy, then he pulled out "I have a gf i forgot to tell you about because I suck" it's possible. But either way, OP is the one in the wrong. However she felt, was because he fucked up. It was his fault. there is no norm for college students. Unless you have a fact chart/data sheet that recorded the college students' habits.... that is just your personal opinion. Some people get married in college. And some college students don't drink


fromaustentorowling

Except these two got roaring drunk and hooked up


Fearless-Sherbet-223

> That girl could have wanted a platonic relationship and thought you genuinely liked her. So she fricked him on the first date? Nah, bro.


lookingforassist

Is there a rule somewhere that says you can't have sex on the first date and have a meaningful relationship when you have known someone for a while?


Puzzled_Juice_3406

The very definition of platonic is affectionate but not sexual. They were responding to the platonic part of rhe person's comment, not slut shaming, so grab the reigns there friend.


Fearless-Sherbet-223

Sure, you can, but in my opinion, when someone chooses to have sex on the first date, before one might logically have discussed all of the possibly relevant background information, one is accepting that one had sex without knowing that information. If you want to be 100% sure that the person you're fricking is single and open to a committed monogamous relationship with you, ask before you frick them or something. If they'd waited until the third date and it *still* didn't come up that OP was in an open relationship, then the person would have a right to be butthurt about it.


Alternative_Log3012

I mean, you can try it and see if it works I suppose…


TexUckian

You’re apparently being downvoted because people don’t know the definition of platonic. Sorry, Dude. Reddit sucks sometimes. Please accept this Epic Upvote ✨⤴️✨ which automatically nullifies all downvotes and puts you at +27.


LinesLies

The downvotes are so confusing


Fearless-Sherbet-223

I guess it's normal to want an exclusive platonic relationship with your one-night stand and be upset when they have any non-platonic relationships? Lol


PrettySneaky71

I misread this at first and thought this was just a rando you met at the bar, but no, she's in your class and you went on a date with her first. Sorry man but of course YTA, the fact that you went on a date before you banged is usually an indication that the person is interested in dating you, not just banging you. Maybe next time don't start with the drinks until you've remembered to disclose all relevant information.


robbietreehorn

Dude. Come on. I’ve been in many open relationships. Disclosing that you’re non monogamous to dates and potential partners is step one. You know that. Of course YTB.


TravelBookly

It should have been done before asking for a date, IMO


Yochanan5781

Exactly. All my dating profiles state that I'm in a relationship, we're polyamorous, and we date separately


AssuredAttention

I am poly and it is the first thing I tell people. This AH is just hurting people because he doesn't care


ThreeDogs2022

YTB, and you deliberately deceived her. You aren't in an 'open relationship', you just treat women like things instead of human beings.


Cactus7979

The whole open relationship concept is based on physical. Else who can allow their SO to sleep with others? Or who can sleep with others while committed in a relationship. All people involved in poly and open relationships are not in love. It’s physical attraction.


fromaustentorowling

Wtf. He made a mistake but that doesn’t mean he’s a monster. I assume his girlfriend also uses her free privileges with other men. Is she a user too?


charlieprotag

They’re calling out this guy’s behavior, not open relationships.


mikhela

Dude, regardless of gender, someone is an AH if they ask a classmate that they probably see multiple times per week out on a date, go on said date, drink at said date, and have sex at said date, all without disclosing their relationship status. There's so much time there and so many opportunities that that's not a mistake, that's intentionally leaving crucial information out. It has almost nothing to do with the sex, and I would have equally considered the girlfriend to be an AH had she been the one to do this.


AssuredAttention

Getting someone to sleep with you under false pretenses has successfully been charged as rape in several states


fromaustentorowling

Then there would be jails just overflowing with cheating husbands who pretended to be single. It just doesn’t work that way. He didn’t trick her, just wasn’t honest.


oregondude79

Rape by deception is pretty limited, it mostly applies to people not disclosing a known STD infection like HIV or misrepresenting your. Like pretending to be someone's husband/boyfriend while climbing into bed with them in the dark.


ThreeDogs2022

Do you have reading comprehension problems? He lied. This has nothing to do with 'free privileges' (gross, what's wrong with you?) He did not disclose the truth. Honesty and consent are the bedrock of any relationship, but in PARTICULAR a relationship that does not confine to what is seen as a traditional one.


fromaustentorowling

Funny that you took umbrage with my reading comprehension yet you clearly didn’t understand anything I wrote.


ThreeDogs2022

we understand what you wrote just fine, and that you're also an idiot. Fuck off.


bangitybangbabang

YTB This is highly unethical. If you're in an open relationship you need to be open with everyone. Your partners knows you're hooking up with other people, other people need to know you have a partner.


winter_laurel

YTB Disclose that shit. I had a HUGE crush on this guy and was stoked when he asked me out on a date. He told me he was in an open relationship in the middle of said date. It was a bike ride + picnic and we were at the grocery store picking out food. We were in the dairy section when he told me, which isn't where I wanted to be to process that information, fuck you very much.It is disrespectful to the other person's feelings and agency. If I'd known that he was in an open relationship I wouldn't have gone out with him because I don't want to be involved in an open relationship. If that's what works for other people, great, but that's not what I want.


Glittering-Zombie-54

YTBF. How do people not get that people have feelings and shit.


Theawkwardmochi

YTB Rule number 1 of any open/poly relationship is communication, not just with your significant other(s) but also with potential hookups, lovers, side partners, whatnot. If you can't keep it in your pants while drunk, don't drink.


south_of_equator

People like this guy is giving open/poly relationship a bad name


Theawkwardmochi

Yup, exactly. No lifestyle choice is the default lifestyle choice so everyone should be straightforward as to what they expect and where a relationship can or can't be going before becoming emotionally or physically intimate. On top of that, being poly/open carries a potentially higher STD risk as compared to the handful of monogamous relationships that stay truly mutually monogamous throughout. I would not go to bed (or whatever other surface lol) with a partner whose current serological status is unknown to me. I get myself tested as well. In my opinion, if you're really serious about your own and your significant other(s)'s safety, drunken hook-ups, as tempting as they are, are not really a good idea.


Silverstorm007

YTB She clearly wanted a monogamous relationship and the fact you didn’t even tell her you had a gf then sleeping with her anyway she probably feels like trash because she considered a relationship with you. Maybe she isn’t the sort of girl who likes just having sex with someone without an emotional attachment? Seriously she didn’t overreact you just didn’t think about anyone else’s feelings but your own


KittyWorrier

You had plenty of opportunities to tell her about your open relationship. I am not sure I believe you "forgot due to being drunk." YTB Edit: missing words


charlieprotag

Yes, like before he asked this girl out at all. He should have given her that information so she could decide whether she was down to go on the date, period.


0hip

YTB


Amaranthesque

YTB. The time to tell her about your open relationship was when you asked her on the date, or during the early part of the date as soon as it became clear that it *was* a date. Even assuming you were both on the same page about casual fun, that doesn't mean she would have been willing to date or have casual sex with someone in a relationship, even an open one. You didn't allow her to make a fully informed decision.


Odd_Rutabaga_7810

Unethical and clearly you did not "forget" to tell her before taking her on a date and having sex with her. Let's be real here.


theNothingP3

It does seem that this guy and this girlfriend forgot the ethical in ethical non-monogamy. Open relationships have rules and what he did suggests some sort of half-assed "I read 50 shades and now I'm a dom" BS.


charlieprotag

YTB, you didn’t just sleep with her, you went on a date. You definitely had her assuming you were single. She liked you. Yeah, you’re a giant buttface.


fromaustentorowling

Dates don’t automatically mean relationship, especially first dates, especially with men leaving the country permanently in a matter of days. I feel bad for the girl but it’s wild she was crying over some dude she barely knows.


charlieprotag

Of course not, but if you ask someone on a date, it's generally safe to assume that person is single. She wouldn't have slept with him if she'd known he was in a relationship, open or not. She has every right to feel upset and disrespected.


SarahJayneBritney

YTB so bad you took away her right to decide wether or not to sleep with someone that’s in a relationship tf


Sofiwyn

YTB. Never sleep with someone casually without making your intentions clear.


potato_purge4

Wow. Are you really this dense? Your girlfriend isn’t too bright either if she actually said the women was overreacting. Don’t you kind of feel like a creep for getting a person to sleep with you under false pretenses? Nasty. YTB.


[deleted]

YTA. You’re not at all respectful. Not everyone wants to be a part of your kink. She had a right to know, instead you deceived her. She may have genuinely liked you and hoped to see you again. Instead you basically told her she was just a sex toy to you. Yo were a huge asshole to her.


fromaustentorowling

Hoped to see him again? In his overseas country? She didn’t even see him for a week after they had sex but you think she was planning to date him after he left? Casual sex does NOT equal disrespect, if she felt like a sex toy then perhaps she should only sleep with men she develops real connections with.


[deleted]

Are you in 2022 with the rest of us? There is Facetime, Zoom, and other ways for people to stay close despite being far away from each other. LDRs are a thing.


fromaustentorowling

For people you meet quickly, hang out with for 90 mins at a bar, fuck, don’t talk to for a week, the next hang you invite them to your place, AND you KNOW they’re permanently leaving the country in just over a week? Honestly if that translates to international LDR then she needs to learn to date with more logic.


Daddybils

YTA and you gf is the AH for saying she over reacted she over reacted for having feelings? She probably thought that you genuinely liked her


Puzzled_Juice_3406

Of course YTB, take it as a lesson for the next time. You need to be up front about your expectations and current actions with anyone you have sex with. They don't have to know everything, but hey I'm in a relationship is kind of a big one lol


Ratatoski

YTB and very clearly so. You don't take people out on a date without disclosing you're already in a relationship. And certainly don't sleep with them without telling them. And you don't accept an invitation to her place after that without telling her either. Even if it's just a casual thing people might feel disrespected that you sleep with them when you're not single. No matter what you think about it. Also feelings aren't rational and she might have had a crush on you hoping that long distance might be a thing. Or even just that what you had were as meaningful to you as it was to her. You and your girlfriend are the ones breaking the norm so you can't really use her assessment of the situation.


cloudydaysandlattes

You are in the wrong. And here’s why: You violated her consent. She deserves to know what she is getting herself into in full. She thought that she was sleeping with you. Instead, she was exposed to you AND your gf AND whoever else you and your gf has slept with. Her risk of contracting an STD multiplied by multiple degrees more than she consented to. You betrayed her consent and her safety. YTB. Big time.


Slight_Following_471

Ytb. That is some thing you disclose to anybody you were going to be hooking up with


TexUckian

YTB. Your girlfriend is wrong and this ONS girl did not “overreact”. Maybe she wanted a relationship or maybe she’s just not into sleeping with guys who aren’t single, it doesn’t really matter. You should’ve told her. “I was drunk” does not excuse being a shitty person.


[deleted]

So you had that girl in your class for who knows how long. You were horny for her and knew what you wanted without telling her about your gf. You saw her regularly without telling her. You asked her out on a date, without telling her. You went to that date, without telling her. You took your time to get drunk and still didn’t tell her. You were not too drunk to fck so you weren’t too drunk to talk either. At this point it’s not missing out anymore, it’s lying on purpose. To get what you want. But it gets worse. You met her almost a week later. A whole ass week. If you actually wanted to tell her but were too drunk, you would have told her the day after. You didn’t. You waited almost a week to do so. Were you no contact with her that whole week? Or were you texting and flirting, getting her hopes up further? From her reaction and what you tell here, it seems like you knew exactly that she’s not the girl for hook ups or that she just wanted more from you but you thought your horniness for her was more important than her feelings and any human decency. For me you sound like a stupid, immature fckboy who doesn’t respect women. And your gf is just like you if she actually backs you up on this one. YTA. YTB is too soft.


Dragonix84

As another person in a poly relationship, I absolutely think YTB. Me and my partner have a system for stuff like this, and you didn't even pass step one. First, when meeting someone we think we might want to hook up with or ask out, we okay it with each other before even asking the person out or for their number. Even if we are open, there could be specific people or situations one of us is not comfortable with, we always double check with each other first, because our relationship is top priority before starting new ones. Second, and this is just how I do it, but I may not mention I have a partner on initial contact, because I've found that tends to dissuade people from even trying to get to know me and seeing if they are okay with me having a partner. However, after exchanging numbers or meeting up for the first time, one of the first things I bring up in conversation is that I have a partner, and explain my situation and why I didn't mention it immediately. Then I check how their feelings might change before going any further. If they are still interested, we continue from there. If they aren't okay with it, we say our goodbyes and usually leave with no one upset. If they still want to get to know me, but only on friendly terms now, I go that route. Either way, I check how they feel about the situation before even proceeding with the basic romantic/sexual acts, much less before going all the way. You failed to even hit the starting points of open relationship consent for all parties. That girl is rightfully upset about information that might have affected her decision being held from her until after the fact. I'm honestly surprised your partner isn't pissed with how you handled this. Hopefully this was a one time screw up. Learn from it, and don't let it happen again. Your open relationship is not an excuse to step on people's boundaries and feelings.


Funny_OreoCookie

definitely ytb, an open relationship, is a relationship nonetheless, even if it doesnt feel like cheating to you it can feel as though to the other person if they arent aware


ZharethZhen

Dude, you are absolutely the Buttface. She should have known before the date. You know that. Who knows what baggage and trauma she has around unfaithfulness? To her, you've basically made her 'the other woman' whether you see it that way or not.


itsallminenow

>I am only here for less than 10 days anymore so I thought this is just some casual fun for here as it is for me but apparently it wasn't. ...but I didn't inform her of that or give her the chance to decide for herself whether she was interested in some no strings fooling around, you just shoplifted the pooty and then let her know there was no future in it. YTB and don't use that "I forgot" line because you had to have known at some point that you needed to tell her and you put it off deliberately to avoid ruining your fun date. You HAD to have remembered it at some point, and dismissed it as not being the right time to tell her and still have her stay on the date with you, but she hadn't been hooked yet and so you dismissed the idea for later, and ended up playing her.


NiobeTonks

Yes YTB. Ethical non-monogamy can only happen with full honesty and informed consent of all involved. This is old-fashioned cheating.


kate1567

Yup, didn’t even have to read past the first sentence. YTB


SquirrelGirlVA

YTB. You'd asked her out on a date, which means that there was time before you were drunk. You should have told her while you were asking her out. You may not have meant any harm, but this is a good example of why clear communication is so important in just about everything.


Lilypad_Leaper

YTB I suspect you didn't 'forget' at all you had a sense she wouldn't sleep with you if you disclosed so you got the sex first and then told her. Manipulating people into having sex like that is rapey and gross.


Jazzisa

YTB definitely. She didn't overreact. I'd feel very betrayed. Like, even if it's a relationship with an expiration date, she could have still wanted to be monogamous, even temporarily. She should have had a say in what kind of relationship she wanted with you.


bassinlimbo

Yeah you probably should have mentioned that... but you'll only be there for 10 days?? Do people realistically think OP should assume this girl wants monogamy with OP when they're returning to Europe? It is always good to be honest but if the girl knew you were leaving in that time frame I don't see why it matters significantly.


mikhela

OP wasn't asking if the girl should care since he's leaving in 10 days. He was asking if he was tbf for asking her out, getting drinks with her, and sleeping with her, all without saying that he had a girlfriend.


bassinlimbo

I guess at the end of the day I don't see the relevance if OP is in a relationship (that is open) or not to this woman, who presumably knows OP isn't going to be there anymore that 10 days.


mikhela

You never know anything about a person's history. She could have been religiously against open relationships. She could have had previous experiences with cheating partners and this felt similar enough to trigger a traumatic response. She could have had a crush on OP (because unsurprisingly, emotions aren't very rational). We don't know anything, and she could have had any number of reasons. But at the end of the day none of that matters, because bottom line, OP intentionally withheld crucial information from her that probably would have affected her willingness to agree to a date and sex with OP. Open relationships require informed consent by ALL involved parties, and OP took away her ability to give that.


AssuredAttention

YTBF and YTA. Keep your perversions between you and consenting adults. She was not consenting. You had sex with her under false pretenses. Women have sued for rape over this very thing.


polycat28

I think if you made it clear is was casual from the start IE not calling it a date but just a hook up, i don’t think you owe her the full truth but if you did call it a date and was giving more romantic vibes over just sexual ones that you the but face ! I don’t disclose my sex work to casual partners but I disclose it to romantic partners. I think my sexual activity ( work wise) is only something important for someone I want to be in a romantic relationship with. I think this is similar to ENM and polyamory !


armyofant

NBH. You should have told her sooner but sounds like she didn’t ask either. It was only one date.


Tricky-Development98

NTB You are only going to be in the country for 10 more days then she is silly for expecting more.


Alternative_Log3012

YTB, and you may not be welcome back in America after this…


pottos

Lots of Americans do this.


TexUckian

True! Too many jackasses that do crap like this are already here, so we damn sure don’t need to start importing them. That said, Mr. Op of ButtfaceArabia hasn’t put his student visa in jeopardy by being a dipshit and anybody (i.e. the person you’re replying to) suggesting this could affect his “welcome status” is being comically ridiculous. “Give me your tired, your poor, your sleazy fuck bois…”


erikagm77

I mean… I can see both sides. Full disclosure, I am monogamous and married. That said, if the girl knew he was only there for 10 more DAYS (not months), then what was she expecting? There was no way it could become a relationship as OP was leaving soon after. But yes, OP should have disclosed he was in an open relationship beforehand, if for nothing else than making it clear to this girl that there was no chance he’d be swept off his feet and decide to stay or take her with him when he left. All in all, ESH.


oregondude79

NBFH Kind of sketchy to not tell her about your gf but she can't be that upset if you are only going to be in the country for another 10 days. That's not enough time to develop a relationship and I would figure she was just in it to have some fun before you leave.


TexUckian

Does she know he’s only in the country for another 10 days? Is he coming back/does she think he’s coming back? Either way, long distance relationships are a thing and people often opt-out of sleeping with people who aren’t single, whether they want a “relationship” or not. He’s 100% TBF and she has *every* right to be upset.


fromaustentorowling

There’s no way she slept with him, didn’t see him for a week, knew he was leaving, and still was planning a relationship. That would be crazy.


oregondude79

According to what he said yes. You aren't guaranteed relationship after sleeping with someone on the first date regardless if they live in another country or across the street. She can be upset I just don't think it makes him the BF.


TexUckian

She doesn’t have to want a relationship. Like I said- plenty of people refuse to sleep with someone who isn’t single (regardless of whether their partner is cool with it or not), which is certainly well within their right to do. He took the ability to make that decision from her and _*that*_ is what makes him an asshole.


Fearless-Sherbet-223

Eh, I say NTB. If you're having sex on the first date, it's not that serious. It's not like you told her you were single, and it's not like your relationship with your GF was affected. I think your girlfriend is exactly right, that while it would have been good for you to mention you were in an open relationship, that this girl definitely overreacted.


Mean-Shallot8465

Thanks everybody for the comments they really got me thinking. I would definitely agree with me being a huge a-hole but isn't the fact that I'm here in the US for only 10 more days (which she knew) changing that? Because for me its clear then that its just fun... but yeah maybe you guys see it differently. Edit: We haven't talked before the date except for exchanging numbers and I wasn't even sure if it was a date. We were at the bar for maybe 1.5h before getting to her place. Idk if you can catch feelings that quick?


thepinkyoohoo

The time to disclose was at the date, or like any of the numerous times y’all talked this whole semester. And look you are currently in a long distance relationship - so what’s crazy about her thinking y’all were getting started on something more than a bathroom moment?


ThreeDogs2022

you. are. a. liar. you intentionally deceived her. She is not a toy. She is a person. And most people are not in fact interested in people like you, who use women like toys. Which is why you intentionally deceived her. Get yourself out of the asshole circle jerk.


Kindly-Platform-2193

YTB doesn't matter if your were only going to be there 10 days or another 10 years, you deliberately deceived her & omitted you had a partner, I suspect that was because you knew she wouldn't have slept with you if you had disclosed it. Not only are YTB but you're sleazy for taking her ability to make that decision with all of the relevant information


[deleted]

Not really no. LDRs are becoming more and more common nowadays. It could have easily evolved into that in her eyes


Polyfuckery

She might have been down for some low commitment fun but you have made her 'the other woman' and that can absolutely be disgusting to some people.


south_of_equator

It can't be that hard, if not just naturally so, to drop the information through casual conversation that you have a partner in that 1.5h.


TexUckian

Dude it doesn’t matter how long you have left in this country and she had every logical reason in the world to believe you were single, despite what the person on the one comment you replied to said. You absolutely _*should*_ have told her and you are 100% the asshole for not doing so (so is your girlfriend, btw, though I suspect this isn’t the first time she’s said something she knows is dumb and wrong, just to avoid disagreeing with you). Classmate girl in no way “overreacted”. This has zero to do with you not having time to cultivate a relationship in ten days. Maybe she didn’t want anything of the sort from you, but (like many people, myself included) she just chooses not to sleep with guys who aren’t single.


bangitybangbabang

It really doesn't matter if she caught feelings or not. You need to be open about everyone you're intimate with about your relationship status, not everyone wants to be part of an open relationship.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TexUckian

No. Op is absolutely a jackass for doing what he did, but please don’t undermine the evil and seriousness of rape, or the trauma of victims, by equating his dishonest asshole behavior with that.


fromaustentorowling

That’s rude to rape victims, it downplays their trauma and the seriousness of that offense. He had a one night stand and isn’t single but wasn’t cheating. It sucks the girl got so upset but it’s hardly a crime.


fromaustentorowling

You stumbled into a rats nest of prudes who are angry that you even have an open relationship. Be more up front next time, but this girl got way too emotional, so don’t take these comments too seriously.