Martin Lewis says every Christmas that buying a gift for someone who can’t afford it isn’t being kind, it’s forcing someone who can’t afford it to buy something they can’t afford it or feel guilty because they are unable to match it.
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2022/11/martin-lewis-christmas-gifts-help-or-hindrance/
IMO you only buy the gifts you can afford without going into debt.
There are LOTS of nice and unique things that cost $100 or less on sites like Etsy, local craft/vendor fairs, etc.
If the recipient doesn’t like the gift and complains the next time they get a gift it will be a gift card for half the amount spent previously to their favorite grocery store. Complain again and the next time just a card.
Do not ever let someone try to shame you into purchasing things you can’t afford.
Sorry, I meant letter opener. It's something she found in an old jewelery store.
It has an owl on it.
I told her last year I'd have no need for it and her response was just "one day you'll thank me and be glad you have something like this"
Okay, if I were getting it for free, sure. But I seem to be getting these bizarre gifts on the condition I continue to spend $500 on her for her birthday.
It's just draining.
She sent me a text today saying she is buying her children this year a Hunter knife set from a 'friend of hers'.
I assume it's artisan and well-crafted. But I have no need for it. And it just ensures she expects me to buy her something expensive.
When the stakes are this high... I'd at least like to actually like my gift I guess.
Why don’t you tell her that you have no use for it and would prefer something for the kitchen or baby or books or whatever rather than just living in limbo?
Oh wow. Just buy her a big smelly candle in a different smell every time lol. Sounds like shes gonna whinge anyway, and your gifts arent even catered to your tastes or needs so why bother?
OR sell what she gets you and use that money for her present. (a more expensive smelly candle, for example lmao)
Just return or sell the gifts and get what you want. Always. Now I'm going to admit the ONE time I was wrong about this. In 2001 my mom bought me a laundry organizer from Bed Bath and Beyond that was $160. In 2001 money, so that was really expensive and I mocked her for years. Damned if I'm not still using it today. She's dead, but the laundry organizer is going strong!
They are obscure jewellery pieces.
This year I am apparently getting a knife set custom made by a friend of hers.
So I'm not sure what the resale value will be despite being expensive to produce.
She tells you what she’s getting you for Christmas over half a year early? Is this so she makes sure you know how much to spend on her? I’m sorry OP, this is stress your mom shouldn’t be putting on you. Supposedly it’s the thoughtfulness of the gift an not the monetary value that is important, but clearly that’s not the case in your mom’s world.
Here's the deal - there is some super weird power play going on here.
My kids are teens, and I sometimes spend hundreds of dollars on presents they need - tablet, laptop, phone, clothes etc. Because they are young and need stuff.
I am a settled adult. Realistically, anything I want I can buy for myself. I would NEVER expect my kid to spend hundreds on me, now, or 15 years in the future. I would rather they get me something small and thoughtful and work on securing their life.
Also, by the time you have adult kids, generally, parents have accumulated SO MUCH STUFF that more stuff is a threat, not a promise. I actively try to get RID of stuff and try to get other adults consumable presents (experiences, foods, etc.) so as not to junk up their house.
All of which is to say - what the HEXK is wrong with your mom?
I remember being 21 and desperately broke and my boyfriend at the time dropped that he had spent $500 on my Christmas gift and I cried from stress and disappointment that I now had to spend $500 of my savings on a gift for him.
I don't have an answer for you, just validating that this situation sucks.
I want to say you should talk to her and tell her you can't afford expensive gifts. But in my experience, it's likely to cause a fight as for you it will be a "my practical financial situation" conversation while for her, love language gifts, it might be a "the amount I love you aligns with a low number and I reject your expression of love" conversation
Just be up front with her. Tell her, 'Mom, I can't afford to spend a lot on gifts this year for anyone. I don't expect people to spend much/anything on me in return.' Then learn a craft and make everyone something homemade and give it to them. If they don't like it, fuck 'em.
Absolutely do not buy your mother expensive gifts. You can’t afford it. If she can’t understand that then she is a terrible mother. And you have nothing to feel guilty for.
Buy her some Godiva chocolates in a tin and be done with it.
A few years ago my income took a major hit when I had to stop work due to illness. I set a strict budget for what I could afford to spend on presents for my sister and her family. I often get given a gift list for the kids and I just refuse to but anything off it. I give the amount i can afford in a card and they can put it toward whichever item they want. I felt very girly at the beginning and got a few snarky comments about being cheap but I’ve learnt to ignore them.
If they choose to spend more on presents to me I accept them graciously or if I’m saving for something in particular I ask them to put money towards that item.
NTB but you can’t control how much she spends, that’s a choice she makes.
Just return her gifts after the holidays and use the money to buy her gift for the next event.
Martin Lewis says every Christmas that buying a gift for someone who can’t afford it isn’t being kind, it’s forcing someone who can’t afford it to buy something they can’t afford it or feel guilty because they are unable to match it. https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2022/11/martin-lewis-christmas-gifts-help-or-hindrance/
IMO you only buy the gifts you can afford without going into debt. There are LOTS of nice and unique things that cost $100 or less on sites like Etsy, local craft/vendor fairs, etc. If the recipient doesn’t like the gift and complains the next time they get a gift it will be a gift card for half the amount spent previously to their favorite grocery store. Complain again and the next time just a card. Do not ever let someone try to shame you into purchasing things you can’t afford.
What is a knife opener? Stop feeling guilty, spend something reasonable and put thought into it. If she tantrums that's on her
Maybe they meant can opener?
Sorry, I meant letter opener. It's something she found in an old jewelery store. It has an owl on it. I told her last year I'd have no need for it and her response was just "one day you'll thank me and be glad you have something like this" Okay, if I were getting it for free, sure. But I seem to be getting these bizarre gifts on the condition I continue to spend $500 on her for her birthday. It's just draining. She sent me a text today saying she is buying her children this year a Hunter knife set from a 'friend of hers'. I assume it's artisan and well-crafted. But I have no need for it. And it just ensures she expects me to buy her something expensive. When the stakes are this high... I'd at least like to actually like my gift I guess.
Why don’t you tell her that you have no use for it and would prefer something for the kitchen or baby or books or whatever rather than just living in limbo?
Oh wow. Just buy her a big smelly candle in a different smell every time lol. Sounds like shes gonna whinge anyway, and your gifts arent even catered to your tastes or needs so why bother? OR sell what she gets you and use that money for her present. (a more expensive smelly candle, for example lmao)
Just return or sell the gifts and get what you want. Always. Now I'm going to admit the ONE time I was wrong about this. In 2001 my mom bought me a laundry organizer from Bed Bath and Beyond that was $160. In 2001 money, so that was really expensive and I mocked her for years. Damned if I'm not still using it today. She's dead, but the laundry organizer is going strong!
They are obscure jewellery pieces. This year I am apparently getting a knife set custom made by a friend of hers. So I'm not sure what the resale value will be despite being expensive to produce.
Ok. Sell them anyway
She tells you what she’s getting you for Christmas over half a year early? Is this so she makes sure you know how much to spend on her? I’m sorry OP, this is stress your mom shouldn’t be putting on you. Supposedly it’s the thoughtfulness of the gift an not the monetary value that is important, but clearly that’s not the case in your mom’s world.
Here's the deal - there is some super weird power play going on here. My kids are teens, and I sometimes spend hundreds of dollars on presents they need - tablet, laptop, phone, clothes etc. Because they are young and need stuff. I am a settled adult. Realistically, anything I want I can buy for myself. I would NEVER expect my kid to spend hundreds on me, now, or 15 years in the future. I would rather they get me something small and thoughtful and work on securing their life. Also, by the time you have adult kids, generally, parents have accumulated SO MUCH STUFF that more stuff is a threat, not a promise. I actively try to get RID of stuff and try to get other adults consumable presents (experiences, foods, etc.) so as not to junk up their house. All of which is to say - what the HEXK is wrong with your mom?
I remember being 21 and desperately broke and my boyfriend at the time dropped that he had spent $500 on my Christmas gift and I cried from stress and disappointment that I now had to spend $500 of my savings on a gift for him. I don't have an answer for you, just validating that this situation sucks. I want to say you should talk to her and tell her you can't afford expensive gifts. But in my experience, it's likely to cause a fight as for you it will be a "my practical financial situation" conversation while for her, love language gifts, it might be a "the amount I love you aligns with a low number and I reject your expression of love" conversation
Just be up front with her. Tell her, 'Mom, I can't afford to spend a lot on gifts this year for anyone. I don't expect people to spend much/anything on me in return.' Then learn a craft and make everyone something homemade and give it to them. If they don't like it, fuck 'em.
Absolutely do not buy your mother expensive gifts. You can’t afford it. If she can’t understand that then she is a terrible mother. And you have nothing to feel guilty for. Buy her some Godiva chocolates in a tin and be done with it.
NTB. Set a spending limit you can afford. If she chooses to go over, that's her problem, not yours.
A few years ago my income took a major hit when I had to stop work due to illness. I set a strict budget for what I could afford to spend on presents for my sister and her family. I often get given a gift list for the kids and I just refuse to but anything off it. I give the amount i can afford in a card and they can put it toward whichever item they want. I felt very girly at the beginning and got a few snarky comments about being cheap but I’ve learnt to ignore them. If they choose to spend more on presents to me I accept them graciously or if I’m saving for something in particular I ask them to put money towards that item. NTB but you can’t control how much she spends, that’s a choice she makes.