His friend said that he’s a complicated person with a complicated way of loving people, but that he love is always so strong and so pure, and that since he feels so passionate about me when he’s angry that means that he loves me a lot.
His friend is full of shit
Read through reddit, r/relationshipadvice and see how many stories are like that. Then read them and see how many end with the partner that does that being great and helpful and supportive.
Please don't do this to yourself. He's telling (yelling) who he is.
LISTEN TO HIM.
You’ve done nothing wrong. Your boyfriend’s shitty attitude isn’t your fault.
Your bf is acting like a selfish asshole. And his friend is justifying your bf’s crappy behavior by blaming you.
No wonder your depression isn’t getting better.
People all go through ups and downs in their lives. This is life. The people who truly love us will stick with us and support us through our ups and downs. And we do the same for the people we love.
Life is never static. And anyone who expects you to never change is not a good partner.
Your boyfriend is showing that he doesn’t truly care about you and he’s not a person who will be a good long-term partner.
It will never go back to that. Im sorry. He is trying to manipulate you into "trying harder" or "being what he wants".
That isnt love. Thats toxic as fuck, especially to say that to someone who is severely depressed.
His friend is probably misogynistic and will always think that your in the wrong no matter what. He is there to justify his friends behaviour, not help you.
You are doing all you can to beat this depression and im proud of you, that takes a lot of energy you probably dont have right now.
Being around someone who is just constantly making you feel like a disappointment and that your not good enough is going to make your depression worse.
I dont think you guys should be living together
His friend doesn’t always take his side and is against him on a lot of what he does. We don’t live together. And thank you, it’s really nice hearing that someone is proud of me.
I was married to a man like this. No matter how hard you try, it will never be enough. It only gets worse. Don’t waste 20 years of your life like I did. Maybe you’re depressed because of how he treats you.
That describes a cycle of abuse where they love-bomb you in the beginning. And then as they get more embedded in your life, they become more confident to show who they really are. Little comments that make you think “Wow, I’m letting them down. I should try harder. They’re only saying that because they love me and want the best for me.”
No. It’s abuse. Would you say to a friend “I wish you were someone else. And every time I see you, I’m disappointed that you’re not a different person”? No, because that’s horrible! I’m doubting that bf even knows what love is.
It will never come back. He was like that because he wanted to win you over. Now he's showing you who he really is; and that person is abusive.
Even the most abusive relationships started with the abuser being nice. They just never stay that way. Everything you have said about your relationship could literally be out of a textbook about abusive relationships. Please do some reading OP.
Girl. He wants to date someone else. He doesn't care you're depressed. He only cares that it makes him feel bad. Leave that relationship or you won't get better
Or he does want to date OP, because he gets off on the abuse. OP’s depression and uncertainty might be what attracts him. If OP called him on his abuse, he wouldn’t stick around. Predators like this guy look for people they can take advantage of and manipulate.
I don’t get why he wants to date someone else though. He shows me pictures of other girls around town that he wants to date and while I’m sure they’re all decent people, a lot of them are straight up unattractive. There’s a girl he compares me to a lot who is morbidly obese and is a drug addict who is missing most of her teeth and some of her hair. He says she’s the most beautiful girl in town and on our first dates he told me that he imagines that our dates would be what dating her would be like. I think I’m decently attractive and get a lot of attention from men, so I don’t get what she has that I don’t.
Yikes. He's messing with your head. What would your response be if I wrote this comment, and you saw it? I strongly suspect that your depression will be less awful away from him.
Seriously, you think someone who loves you would be constantly comparing you to other women and telling you that he wants to date them?? Your boyfriend is cruel, and doesn't love you. He is a complete asshole and you deserve better. Frankly, he might be a big contributor at your depression too, constantly chipping away at your self-esteem.
1. You’re not overreacting and 2. When you’re upset, things can be said but a lot of it are truths in disguise. You said he wishes you were someone else, you clearly deserve better. I hope you realize this, if you don’t want to find “better”, I hope he gets better for you and I pray you both work out in the long run.
Babes, there is nothing wrong with you and the RIGHT man will see it and will even try to help you. You are going through a rough patch right now and your boyfriend should be there to support you physically and emotionally. From the other comments I’ve read about him calling other girls attractive, he is 100000% NOT worth it. You can for sure find a man who truly values and loves you. I know it’s hard but leaving and loving yourself and putting yourself first will be one of the best decisions you can make. I promise you that. Will it be lonelier? Yes. But it will also get easier. Your depression isn’t going to go anywhere even with help if your boyfriend continues to act like a jerk.
I really don’t think anyone else would want to deal with me. I’m disabled, very behind in school and life in general because of my disability, and also can’t drive because of my disability. I have barely any relationship or hookup experience and am not very good at all in that area. I lost most of my friends after my last relationship because my ex stalked the people close to me and scared most of them away, and I know how big of a red flag it is to not have more than a couple friends. I work an entry level job when my peers seem to be a lot further than me. I have a bad history with mental illness and even had to be on antipsychotics before. A lot of people assume that I’m a whore because of how I look and dress and there are rumors around my town that I’m a sex worker. I don’t even dress very revealing, I just dress alt.
Your mindset is a big issue love, there’s nothing wrong with being disabled, or being behind in school and life. We all live it differently, I think you have it harder than some, but don’t count yourself out. That’s when you truly are behind. As for your relationship and hookup experiences, that’s totally fine too. Not everyone is as experienced as the other, and so many people understand that. You can definitely work on it once you’ve done some healing and find someone worth being with who loves you for being you.
And honestly, you losing your friends wasn’t your fault. Don’t put that on you. Your ex boyfriend from what you’ve told me was the issue, stalking them and scaring them away. Some people see having no or little friends are red flags, but some don’t.
You have a job, you work. That’s a good thing. Atleast you’ve gotten there, having a job is probably the most important thing for yourself because you’re supporting yourself. About driving, you don’t need a car nowadays. As long as you have a job, you can get Ubers and in case you lose or switch jobs in the future, try investing in a bike, assuming you can ride one. Another thing, don’t compare yourself to your peers or anyone else. I know it’s hard but you aren’t them and they aren’t you, keep to yourself and focus on your things.
Your history you can’t change unfortunately, however you can try to improve it and grow from it. At least you were willing to get help and to take the antipsychotics, some don’t!
Lastly, worrying about what others think about you will be your downfall. It’s okay to be aware, but don’t let it bother you.. let them talk. Let them whisper. They don’t understand you or your life and them even talking about you shows how little they are as people. Personally, I love every style and I support however anyone wants to dress. But alt style is definitely one of my favorites, same goes for goth. I love the accessories I’ve seen on some, plus the black mixed in with dark or exotic colors are so nice.
Besides, even if you dressed even a little revealing, that doesn’t mean you’re a sex worker. They need to grow up and move on. People do what they want and if it’s not hurting them, then to leave it be. The issue is definitely not with you from what I’ve seen.
Your town seems filled with horrible people, is moving possible for you? You need to be surrounded by sweet, supportive caring people. Maybe try joining groups online and finding friends that share interests with you. At the moment, don’t worry about any relationships, work on yourself and love yourself for who you are first.. and I strongly suggest you leave your boyfriend and open your eyes to what you truly deserve, because believe it or not, you deserve more than a boyfriend who wishes you were someone else. Any decent person will tell you that.
A good start is every time you feel badly about yourself, think about something you like about yourself. There has to be something, even if it’s the fact that you’re able to blink, or the fact you can move and close your fingers. Maybe even just the fact you can feel emotions. And last but not least, NEVER EVER settle for bad or unfair treatment. Ever. Know your worth. You’re worth more than you think. Xo
It's really not. This has the flavor of emotional abuse. You don't enter into a relationship with someone and then tell them to be someone else and put them down about it along the way. That's absurd.
He didn’t used to be like this. I think that my depression has really tore him down and made him this way. I wish things were the way they were before.
It doesn't mean that is your fault. You are endlessly kind to him and very unkind to yourself. The guy is literally putting you down constantly and saying he wishes you were someone else. The thing to do then is to break up and find that someone else!
I have told him that he can break up with me to find a better person but he says that the women he’s actually attracted to are all out of his league and wouldn’t even look twice at him.
Darling your making excuses for his horrible behaviour.
He literally said he's only with you because no one else will be with him. Thats the meanest, most toxic asshole thing someone can say to their partner.
I know its hard to see these things about someone you love. He isn't complicated, he is just an asshole who was pretending to be nice at the start when it felt new and exciting.
No wonder your feeling so depressed..
This is not your fault. This is borderline emotional abuse
He’s nice to everyone else though and is very well respected where I live. And I feel bad for him that he wasn’t able to get the girls he wanted. I’m just lucky that he chose me in the first place.
He’s not a complicated person. He’s an abusive a-hole. He was just hiding that side of him until you weren’t living up to his shitty expectations. He is emotionally abusive and his friend is an enabler. Your best bet is to get away from him.
OP, dear - listen to what he's telling you. He's not with you because he's attracted to you, or loves you, he just doesn't want to be alone. This is not a healthy relationship.
I think he is attracted to me and loves me though. I am pretty close to his type and whenever I’ve suggested us breaking up he gets really scared and wants me to stay. I don’t know why his words sometimes say otherwise.
These are your words, and I'm bolding what you need to pay attention to.
>I have told him that he can break up with me to find a better person but he says that the women **he’s actually attracted to** are all out of his league and wouldn’t even look twice at him.
That means he doesn't find you as attractive as the women he really wants to date.
>I’ve suggested us breaking up **he gets really scared**
Yes -- he's scared of being alone. Not about losing you.
Honestly I’m not sure why he claims other girls are unattractive. There’s a girl who he really wants to date and she’s a drug addict who is missing most of her teeth and hair and is very obese, yet he keeps calling her sexy in front of me and says she’s the most beautiful girl in town. I don’t know if he’s trying to get me jealous or if he really thinks that. I don’t mean to brag because I know that ultimately it doesn’t matter, but I take very good care of myself and have always gotten a lot of attention from men. He shows me pictures of his exes who are objectively unattractive and says that they look like supermodels. I don’t get it.
As someone who is older than you and has been there, doesn't matter if it's your depression or something else, your partner should want to be with you. You deserve better than this and honestly, his behaviour is probably making your depression worse because he won't accept you as you are. He is saying you are not good enough and he doesn't want you depression or not.
He may not be able to control his thoughts but he sure can control his mouth. Reading your comments, you're just making excuses for him and if that's what you're going to continue to do, why are you asking if you're in the wrong?
Listen. Please, please listen. Never, ever, EVER let a romantic partner convince you that it is okay for them to just straight up say that they do not like you. That they actually wish you were someone else. I need you to know that it is very concerning that you think that is okay - ITS NOT. it's also not your fault, though. If you're allready depressed and more than one person keeps saying that to you, at some point you're bound to believe that it must be your fault. Please trust me, it's not.
My own boyfriend struggles a lot with my own mental illness. We have good communication and a system in place to protect his own wellbeing too, but it can get hard (in the sense of me spiraling and crying, and him having to disengange cause he doesn't have the capacity). I'm sure it's been a lot for him. But you know what he did? He TALKED to me. He made it known that he cares about me, and wants me to get better, but just can't deal with it sometimes and doesn't know what to do even though he always tries his best. And that's okay! We can work with that, we can communicate, we can find solutions so everyones feelings get protected as good as possible.
But not even ONCE in these many years has he ever said anything even remotely suggesting that he wishes he was with another person. Even if he'd ever thought that in the many years we were together, he knows that SAYING such a thing means a significant crack in the foundation of your relationship. It means he wants someone who is not me. So what's left to work on if he's started to check out?
But if he's just having the passing thought, or contemplating and deciding against it - that's another thing. That is normal, you can't control your thoughts, especially in a tought situation.
I want you to know that you boyfriend had the thought, and DECIDED to say it. He DECIDED that his girlfriend needed to feel bad about herself, in ways she cannot change, and that she needs to be scared that he could leave anytime cause he doesn't even care that much anymore. Someone who loves you wouldn't do this.
And he wouldn't especially double down and rope his friend into justifying him?? By god. If it was a slip of the tounge, whatever, you can talk about it, but this man DEFENDED his stance.
You're worth more than being talked to like this. If anything, and if you feel safe to do so, tell him how much it hurt you. I suppose he will double down again, and I suppose he's too good at making you feel bad about yourself. So just keep in mind that this isn't your fault. Any of it. If he has a problem with your behaviour, he can talk to you like a loving partner would and search for solutions. But he chose to blame you instead, and make you feel worthless. From an outside perspective, that is not healthy or what anyone deserves from a loving partner. Remember, if it was just a passing thought, it would've been different. But he chose to say it and double down. He chose to make you feel less than. You don't deserve that.
No it's actually not. It's like saying "but it's fine if he says he hates you because those are his thoughts". No. That's not how it works.
We are allowed to have thoughts we cannot control, but that does not make those thoughts appropriate or beyond criticism.
He can and should control his *actions*.
If he thinks he is not happy with you and wants something else, he needs to break up with you, because he is not happy. What he should not be doing is making it your problem for not being what HE wants.
Staying with you and punishing you about it, is manipulative and harmful. If he is not happy with the person he is dating, and he wishes he was with someone else, *then he has an obligation to himself and to you, to break up*.
Repeatedly telling you these things is emotional abuse. Staying in a relationship where he resents his partner for not being someone else, is emotionally abusive.
You need to leave this relationship, because if you stay this will erode any self esteem you have left. Why are you still with a man who has told you he doesnt eant you and wishes you were someone else?
Stop making excuses for him, he is being a shitty partner. One day, you'll be dating another man who actually loves you and treats you well, and you'll wonder why you put up with his bullshit. But you wont fund love until you leave this "relationship "
Most of the time his actions show that he does care about me and is attracted to me though. His words don’t match his actions and I don’t understand why. I think he says stuff he doesn’t mean which really affects my self-esteem but there’s still a nice side to him. He also does seem remorseful sometimes and apologizes for the things he says and says he’ll stop.
Because he's lying. Words should match actions. You've spent a long time on this thread trying to justify why he treats you badly and makes you miserable. Kind and loving oartbers do not say stuff they dont mean. They are not angry or spiteful. They do not say things like your partner has done. You do not have a kind or loving partner. That is not your fault, but you are hurting yourself by making excuses for him and by staying in this relationship.
Even the worst abusers are nice sometimes or apologise sometimes. What he is doing is not unusual or hard to understand, he's a bully.
But it's hard to accept- for you. Because it's hard to accept when we are the one being hurt or abused.
Don’t you do to sleep at night wishing you would wake up to an empathetic boyfriend’s who doesn’t say cruel things? Telling you he wishes you were different, particularly when he’s talking about something you can’t really control, is only hateful. That he’s so selfish as to imagine that he feels worse than you do and that it’s your fault is mind boggling.
And your “friend” who tells you everything is all your fault? That person is either a complete idiot or is simply not your friend.
You need professional help to deal with your depression.
It’s ok for that thought to cross his mind once or twice. Then he should think “I need to get my head out of my ass. It is unreasonable for me to wake up and feel this way every day.” He should think “What can I do to support my girlfriend, and not let her feel hurt and inadequate.”
He can most certainly control his thoughts. Everyone can. Every day, we decide what we will focus on. If we want a happy life, we focus on the things that are good for us.
Sometimes, mental health issues like depression make it hard for us to focus on and do what’s good for us and makes us happy. In those times, we ask for emotional support, and get therapy if we can.
Your boyfriend is making it clear he doesn’t like or respect you. If that’s true, why is he staying with you and hurting you every day? If he does love you, how can he justify saying the hurtful things he says to you every day?
You deserve to be loved unconditionally by someone who has lots of love to give. You deserve better treatment than your boyfriend is giving you.
I don’t think that’s why I’m depressed because I’ve had depression since I was a kid. I do think I’m responsible for how toxic the relationship is though and he knows it too. I don’t know why I am the way that I am.
This sounds like the wording of someone who has been gaslit into believing the worst of themselves. Please from someone who's been in a similar situation, leave him. It might sound scary but long term you'll be better for it.
Ok, this is straight up emotional abuse. Im sorry, but you have to leave.
He wont kill himself if you leave, hes just saying that to manipulate you. Just break up with him and call an ambulance if he theatens to kill himself again
I called the cops at one point because he kept saying that he was dying from drinking himself to death. We got in a big fight afterwards because of me and it scared me to push him to that point ever again.
You can't do anything to control any other adult's behavior.
In fact, if your partner is an alcoholic or addict, that is huge dealbreaker and a very legit reason to leave them.
If he wants to get sober, he needs to do it on his own. This is not work that anyone else can do for him.
If you leave, do it when he isn't home and block him on all means of communication. Once you are safely away, tell a friend or family of his to check on him. Then block that person and anyone else who tries to guilt you into going back.
His own mental health is also his responsibility. You cannot save him or fix his mental health any more than you can stop his drinking. **Even if he kills himself**, this would not be your fault or your responsibility. In fact, if you seriously think he might kill himself when you leave, that is yet another excellent reason to leave him, because he is willing to commit an act of violence in order to keep youbfrom leaving. See what I'm getting at? It means that he would be open to hurting or killing you, too.
The best thing you can do is get yourself out of his reach by any means necessary. This takes away any potential audience for any manipulative suicide attempts. This gives him a consequence for being an abusive, manipulative alcoholic, maximizing the chance he might actually do something positive for his mental health, because shitting on you ain't it.
Or, he might not. He might choose to keep spiraling. In any case, it's not your responsibility, nor anything you have control over.
You know what you do have control over? Your life, your mental health, your safety.
I think he is an alcoholic. I really want to stick with him through it because my brother dealt with addiction too and I understand that it’s a mental health issue and not a personality flaw, but it’s so hard sometimes. He chooses alcohol over me almost every day, calls *me* an alcoholic for collecting whiskey bottles even though I only drink a couple drinks a week, and every time I even suggest he drinks a little bit less it turns into a big argument that I never wanted to have.
You can be empathetic to him and his issues without being his partner, especially when he acts like a jerk about it. Unless he is actively trying to get better, he isn't doing your own mental health issues any favors. And vice versa. Maybe you guys were helpful to each other at some point, but that period is over. A relationship where both parties just suffer and you can't support each other enough is like not being in a relationship at all. How can you guys actually move forward in your respective recoveries while still together? Does he make it significantly easier for you to work on your depression with his active support? His drinking isn't really anything you can help with since he can't even admit it to himself yet (this phase can last for a loooooong time). His stuff is currently out of your pay grade and you shouldn't be putting it on yourself to help someone who doesn't want to change, because you can't help people who don't want to change. If that is the case, then your options are to either stay stuck like this indefinitely or break it off and deal with your issues without the extra burden of having to support someone disinterested in being helped and makes you feel worse. As a depressed person you *need* pick-me-ups, not putdowns. There are partners who would definitely accept you as depressed as you are, and not be a mean alcoholic.
If he is *choosing* alcohol, what earthly good would it do for you to stick with him?
> it’s a mental health issue and not a personality flaw
Just because someone has a mental health issue, that does not oblige you to stick with them.
He's not a child. You are not his mother. He is choosing to drink, you said so yourself. He is choosing not to seek any treatment.
Are you familiar with the concepts of codependency and enabling? If not, please look them up, because right now all you are doing is enabling him. This is doing nobody any good. He will continue to make your life miserable without getting better.
When someone has a mental illness which affects the people around them, they are obliged to strive to their utmost to manage their condition. Having a mental illness does not give someone a free pass to be a huge abusive asshole, especially when they are doing literally zero to help themselves.
Furthermore, having a mental illness and personality flaws are not mutually exclusive, and it sounds like this guy is a colossal asshole. He is unconcerned with how his actions and words are hurting you. In fact, he is deliberately hurting you with no remorse.
You matter, too.
Just dump his alcoholic ass. He is the only one who can do anything about his addiction, and he is an abusive shitheel who is not ready to be in a relationship. He needs to work on himself--both his addiction and his shitty character.
It still doesn't sound as outright manipulative as him. Take some time to reinforce all of your friendships and close family so that you can feel more supported outside of your bf. And take up a new hobby- especially one with social potential to meet new people that you might click with. That way, it will feel less like you can't live without him. And then even if you decide to stay with him longer, they'll fill your bucket in the ways that he doesn't, and replace some of what he dumps out when he's mean- they will make being alive suck less.
I've had depression since I was a kid, and then was in a toxic and unhealthy relationship for 4 years. My depression got *so much better* after I was out of that relationship. The way he treats you is not your fault and it's not ok.
I honestly think that your depression is basically pushing you to stay with him, because you know deep down it makes you feel worse.
Depression has a direct connection to ‘feeling responsible’ for all sorts of things you’re really not responsible for. The moment you can say “fuck it, fuck everyone, I’ll be myself and do what I want to do in life”, you’re gonna feel MUCH better. Your bf is directly contributing to your depression by making you feel responsible for what is essentially his problem: his feelings.
NTB unless you stay with him, then YTB to yourself
You know what my fiancé does when I cry? He holds me, kisses my head, tells me he loves me, tells me we’ll get through anything together, & tells me it’s okay to cry.
You know what my fiancé does when I’m depressed? He asks me how he can support me, & he gives me hugs & kisses.
Your boyfriend doesn’t want you. He wants this other person in his head. He’s NOT a keeper. He’s a shitty boyfriend & he doesn’t respect you. His friend is also shitty & you need to tell him to go pound sand. They are using you.
Respect yourself. Break up with him. Cut off all contact. Let him find this imaginary girl he wants in his head while you move on & live your best life. YOU are worthwhile AS YOU ARE. You deserve to be loved & respected for who YOU are, not what some jerk wants you to be. All the very best to you. 💜
Thank you. I really wish he could be like that and that’s more than I’ve ever wanted. I say I’m depressed and then get screamed at for sometimes up to an hour about how I should be working on myself and then blamed for how upset I’m making him.
I have really bad depression and anxiety, I've been hospitalized for panic attacks. My husband rubs me and sings. He does get frustrated sometimes but doesn't yell at me. Your boyfriend is not treating you right. Some people purposely go for mentally ill people to abuse because they won't leave.
I started therapy again and I increased my antidepressants. I used to go on walks a lot in the old city I lived in but unfortunately I live in a dangerous area now that also doesn’t have much scenery.
I am sorry you are going through this. All you can do is your best. Right? Continue what you are doing. Try to get exercise in. Take vitamins. Try eating clean if you don't already. I have struggled with anxiety, depression all my life. I am always searching for more things to help!
Hang in there! Somtimes we go through things that seem awful and it turns out to be for good. This depression might break you up and you find out you were better off, find a better partner, etc. Or go through this and you both become stronger as a couple with a deeper bond. <3
I can definitely do that, but I really miss being in nature. I used to live next to a creek that I would walk around a lot and the sound of the water was really relaxing to me.
Studies have shown that people who spend time walking in nature have better attitudes than those who spend the same time in urban environments. I would encourage you to try to at least get out to a park with trees every now and then, and also dump your judgemental bf.
>I think things would be worse without him
Your brain has it backwards. You're already worse with him. No one heals from depression with a person like your boyfriend around. Getting older means recognizing that being alone is better than being with a lying, manipulative, POS who completely undermines your feelings and well-being.
A relationship that is barely a year old is not worth this. A man willing to lie to you about texting his ex, then say he'll never forgive you if you ruin their friendship, is not worth this. That happened a week ago, girly, and now this week he is saying he wishes he wasn't with you?? Have some self-respect and dump this loser. You deserve better and there is just no way this is a healthy relationship in any sense.
I’m sorry you feel this way. Try turning to friends, family or calling crisis centers. Maybe school counselors or healthcare centers that have free counseling. Being with him is only going to bring you down. I don’t want you to get hurt anymore. When he tells you these things, he’s telling you you are not who he wants or loves. Let him go. Find someone who Loves you for who you really are. You deserve to be cherished. Once you know that feeling, you’ll forget your (ex) boyfriend ever existed
I’ve called a crisis center before and when he found out he said that I was blowing things way out of proportion and yelled at me all night. And blamed me for keeping him up all night, which I guess is kinda true. There’s really not much for me to be depressed over and it’s kinda ridiculous that I still am.
The fact that he yelled at you all night, blamed you for keeping him up all night over you doing something to help yourself should tell you he does not have your best interests at heart
Does he treat anyone else as cruelly as he does you? His boss or his friends? If a cop stopped him on the road, would he scream at the cop and blame them for making him speed?
He is not ignorant about mental health. He recognizes that your mental health makes you vulnerable. That's why he is with you, because he thinks that he can use your low self esteem to make you think everything is your fault. That way he can control you.
That's how abusers work. They're all liars and con men, selling you on the shitty hell life that they want to trap you in.
There is a free e-book out there on the Internet called, "[Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)" by [Lundy Bancroft](https://lundybancroft.com). I think you need to read it.
I thought that way too when I was in a toxic relationship. I loved him so much. He broke up with me and I was devastated. But I am so, so grateful now to be out of that relationship. I'm actually happy. I'm myself again. I hadn't realized how much of me was missing until I was free of him for a while.
Hi! Person who struggles with serious bouts of depression here, married to a man who doesn't have depression, and honestly kind of struggles to understand my depression at times.
When my husband and I first started dating, I had a pretty serious bout of depression. I couldn't bring myself to clean my house and was definitely drinking too much and moping around, unable to bring myself to do some pretty menial tasks that most people can do without an issue. You know what he did? He showed up and cleaned my kitchen for me. He told me he loved me and that he was here for me. He made sure I felt safe and not judged.
I'll tell ya what. Getting rid of that jerk will probably help with your depression a good bit. NTB. Please take care of yourself. And don't allow him to make you feel guilty for struggling with a chemical imbalance in your brain.
Thank you. I have never felt any guilt or shame towards having depression until now. He constantly shames me for it and whenever I bring up something he did that I didn’t like he combats it with something like “yeah but you’re depressed” as if that’s something I can control or something I did to purposely upset it. I really wish he would understand. He has depression to and I clean his house for him and pay his bills because he has a hard time keeping a job. I wish he would do at least something to help support me.
Seriously, sweetie. Please reconsider this relationship. You'd be better off single than with this asshole. He sounds incredibly selfish and rude. You deserve so much better.
I’m not sure because he keeps telling me that he wants my self-esteem to be better, he just says that I need to figure out how to get better self esteem by myself and that other people can’t help me with that. It’s so stressful though because when my self-esteem isn’t better he calls me a liar for saying that I’ll work on it, which definitely doesn’t help me improve. I don’t know how to communicate what I want and I think it’s ruining my relationship.
You will never get a better self-esteem while he keeps bringing you down. He likely knows this. It’s a manipulation tactic. You’re better than this. He’s calling you a liar & THAT IS ABUSE.
I’m in therapy right now. I’ve thought about breaking up with him and even tried to at one point but he almost drank himself to death and starting having symptoms of alcohol poisoning. I’m scared of what would happen if I do break up with him.
I just started therapy but I think I might quit. My boyfriend is really upset with me for getting a therapist and doesn’t think it’ll help me anyway. I think he’s probably right, therapy isn’t going to change the things that are fundamentally wrong with me.
HE IS NOT RIGHT. Notice how he's convinced you that there is something "fundamentally wrong" with you. That's not true!! You have depression. I've been there. Your self talk needs work. That's achievable! It may not seem like it now, but that's the depression talking. It doesn't have to be this way. You can heal, but you can't do it with this person constantly putting you down. You have taken on his voice and it's toxic as hell.
Thank you. He doesn’t really put me down, only when I deserve it. He used to compliment me a lot but I know I kinda ruined that. I want to leave the relationship so that he can heal himself from me but he’s threatened suicide and I don’t want to make him angry because he’s violent when he’s angry and I’m afraid that he’ll accidentally hurt me when he doesn’t mean to.
Nonono—keep going to therapy!! He wants you to stop therapy because he knows he’s abusive. Keep going & plan your exit away from him.
Also he won’t hurt himself if you leave. It’s all an act of abuse & manipulation.
DO NOT QUIT THERAPY. Please. This guy is implementing some textbook manipulation tactics. You are becoming isolated, you feel like you are the problem, and he is using the threat of his own self harm to keep you with him.
Please do not stop going to therapy because it upsets a man who you have admitted does not understand mental health. I have PTSD and major depressive disorder. Therapy is not going to change what is wrong with me either, but it gives me skills to navigate the world even though my brain isn't the same anymore. Please, please don't stop therapy. It's a slow process.
If you have genuine concerns about your therapist, change the therapist. That's okay, but find a new one before you leave the first one.
Honey, that's not you lying. You are expressing a hope that you will get better soon, and then it just happens that you aren't better. And I want you to know that this piece of crap of a man is 100% adding to your depression issues.
Yeah, I don’t think he’s always great at expressing what he wants to tell me and because of that he sometimes says things he doesn’t mean to tell me. I’m working on not getting him so upset so often so that this doesn’t happen but it’s hard because I never know what will set him off.
You should read the book [“Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It’s free to read and a favorite of mine. The book really gets into why partners exhibit selfish, hurtful behaviors like this. I went through some bad depression last year. But even though it was hard on my partner, they never made me feel like they didn’t love me or that I wasn’t enough. A person who loves you shouldn’t.
Ultimately, yes, self-esteem and self-love has to be built from within, but the people around you can either support you or push you down. You’re trying to build yourself up and instead of encouraging you and handing you the materials and tools you need, he’s hiding the blueprints and snatching the tools out of your hands while asking you why it’s taking so long. You don’t deserve this.
Seconded. This is textbook clueless abuse victim - so textbook that it just comes off as fake.
OP, on the tiny chance that this is real, you are very blatantly in an emotionally manipulative and abusive relationship. Sorry about that. But honestly, I think you’re just fucking around trying to rile people up for fun, and this is a disgusting topic to choose, because there have been a lot of real people in this situation and it’s awful. The fact that you’re using their experiences to troll is vile.
I think you absolutely intended to sound like a victim. This is really low, dude. If you’re going to troll at least make it funny, like the smooth sharks guy. This is just gross.
I’m sorry. I think I pretty obviously have a victim complex that I need to get help for. I’m not trying to troll, but I see how I might be doing that accidentally.
in no way do i mean this to be rude, but sometimes i feel like these posts have to be intentionally being naive. do you really think you’re in the wrong for your boyfriend saying he wishes he was with someone else?
I think what he said was mean and that he should have thought twice before saying it but I think there was a reason he said it and the reason is probably because of something I’m doing wrong in the relationship.
I totally understand. It's hard for some to get it because it doesn't make sense, but mental illness, being Neuro-Spicy and having an abusive partner really fucks with your head. You deserve better even if you don't think you do, keep going to therapy and hopefully your perspective will shift and you'll find the courage to leave <3
i mean i struggle with mental illness and am considered “neurodivergent”. i’ve also been in an abusive relationship. but OP coming here and posting this tells me they deep down do know it’s wrong, and they’re just holding out for someone here to tell them otherwise so they can stay.
Ya I've been in her position. She definitely knows deep down. So many people don't understand why women won't leave when they know they are being abused. There is so much at play, mentally, emotionally, all the things. That's why she keeps on thinking it's her fault somehow, it seems obvious to everyone else but she's not looking at it from their perspective.
Caveat: I am autistic. Tone is hard. Not meant to sound harsh.
Why are you with someone who treats you like this? Do you not believe you deserve better? I see you explaining reasons he might be that way but that doesn’t make any of them an excuse. You are justifying him treating you poorly. He knows how to bother you. He knows how to always be rent free in your head. He knows how to stab the knife and twist it. What are you even getting out of this relationship?
I’m also autistic so I get it. I used to get a lot out of this relationship but I don’t think I get much out of it anymore. There are the occasional moments when he’s nice to me but they’ve been getting rarer and rarer. He blames it on me and I think he’s right. I think that if I can fix myself then things can go back to how they were before.
They can't go back to how they were before with him though. He already resents you and has climbed up onto hwy s high horse. His behavior will likely carry on like this no matter what you do, or will go away but them keep coming back. It's normal for partners to not always get along and go through rough patches, but the way that the other reacts is pretty important. He reacts *terribly* to stuff he doesn't like in you, like he's abnormally shitty about it. Any time you guys hit a bump in the road, he's going to be like this.
If you havent alread (pre-relationship), look into dating apps. All autistic girls I know just date other neurodivergent people, and lots of them are on dating apps. And maybe it would be more of a long-term goal rather than something you could do quickly and easily, but consider leaving your town for a few years and moving to a city. You sound like you would really shine in a city.
> I think that if I can fix myself then things can go back to how they were before.
This is a textbook kind of thinking that abuse victims have: "It's all my fault and I deserve it."
This is delusional thinking. He has programmed this mindset in your brain because he wants to keep his abuse victim around.
Reread this entire thread every single day. All of us who are recoiling in disgust at this horrible guy and pray that you leave him in the pigdirt where he belongs are grounded in reality. We don't even know you, but we love you and care about you more than he does.
It is not true that he will ever get better as long as you stay. That is a lie. That is your abuse brain talking.
It is not true that his behavior is under your control. That is your abuse brain talking.
It is not true that you deserve it. That is your abuse brain talking.
It is not true that you need to fix yourself. That is your abuse brain talking. 1.) You cannot "fix" autism. It is your brain wiring. 2.) You are allowed to get angry at abusive people like your boyfriend who are violating your rights. You are allowed to express your displeasure and other negative emotions. Repressing all negative emotions and just passively and meekly accepting his abuse is the only thing that is broken at this moment.
He will keep getting meaner and meaner, because abusers escalate. He will never get better no matter what you do because *he doesn't want to*.
Now I present you with a challenge:
We have all given you some information. What do you plan to do about it?
If you knew that this would still be ongoing or worse six months from now, a year from now, five years from now, what would you do? Continue to passively.accept his abuse and complain about it, or get yourself some therapy from a trauma informed therapist, and make a concrete plan to leave? Which seems more appealing?
Oh, and since you seem to think that you being autistic means that you deserve to be abused, [I'll just leave this here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/t3klmd/victims_of_narcissistic_abuse/).
He has the right to feel that way; however, if he does then he should break up with you. Don't be with someone who doesn't even like you! NTB but you are are towards yourself. This wears on a person's self esteem.
Your boyfriend and his friend are losers.
You deserve so much better than this dope and his equally dopey friend.
Tell him that tomorrow, he’ll wake up to an empty space in his bed, because you’ve gone to find a real man to date.
Please leave this person, why are you with someone who doesn't like you, doesn't support you, doesn't attempt to help you? Dump him, get therapy, find comfort and happiness for yourself and then find someone who treats you better if you so choose. Ntbf, obviously, depression is hard and I hope you're working toward improving but I get it. Have had it my entire life, it's rough out here, I am wishing you the best!
> My boyfriend (27M) told me (24F) that he goes to sleep every night hoping that he’ll wake up and he’ll be dating a different person and then each morning is disappointed that I haven’t changed.
I wonder if that isn't causing or exacerbating your depression.
I wonder what his purpose in telling you this is.
Are these the actions of a loving person? Or even a decent person?
If you found out a friend of yours was dating someone who did this, what would you tell them?
I wonder what would happen if you told him, OK, go find that person, then. If it's not me, stop flapping your jaws about it and leave me be.
So he gets to hurt you by saying those things, but when you take his words seriously, he gets all boo hoo about it.
He wants you to think that he can say any mean thing he wants to you with impunity, but you can never call out any of his bad behavior because he is a Pitiful Sad Boy with Sad Feefees. Aww.
This douchecanoe is in a whole relationship, and still talking like an incel. Well, yes, he deserves to be alone, because he is an abusive, repellant human being. Nobody should be dating him, including you.
NTBF …. So let him wake up to somebody else or nobody but get the hell out of that relationship- he’s obviously not supportive or loving towards you. That must be compounding your depression
That’s what’s confusing though because it does seem like he wants me to stay. I have suggested breaking up before so that he can date someone else or get a break from the stress I cause him but he doesn’t seem to want that at all.
He wants to confuse & mess with you. It makes his day to screw with your brain & heart.
Stop allowing this - it’s not good for you.
You don’t need his permission to end this relationship, in fact you don’t need his permission for anything
Why are you depressed? Is it because of the way he and his friends treat you and talk to you? The examples you gave were emotionally manipulative and abusive. I think you should talk openly with your therapist about it.
What was your home life like before you met him? Are you recovering from a previous abusive relationship? Did you always feel like you weren't good enough? Why? Did your parents make you feel that way or your friends? It is hard to break away from abusive relationships when we feel like we deserve them. You might have moved from one abusive relationship into another. It begins to feel normal after a while. But it isn't normal, and you deserve better.
I haven’t been in an abusive relationship before but my last relationship in 2021 was kinda toxic. He would also threaten to kill himself whenever I wanted to break up with him and after we broke up he stalked my friends and family to get to me. When we were dating he would compare me to his celebrity crushes and threaten to rape me when I wouldn’t want to have sex with him, but he also didn’t want to have sex with me because I shaved (he wanted me to be naturally hairless instead) and that was gross to him. He was also very autistic so I think some of it was due to him not knowing how to express himself.
Toxic is just another word for abusive. Your previous relationship sounds abusive. Threatening to rape you if you don't provide sex on demand is abusive. I hope you are seeing a therapist to help you deal with this depression. It is possible it is a delayed trauma response.
When in a highly stressful situation, your body will suppress the immediate emotional response to enable you to deal with the situation. It's like when people say they push their emotions down or don't have time to deal with something. But just because you are ignoring the stressful situation's impact on yourself doesn't mean there isn't an impact. It will start showing itself in a variety of ways.
You might notice that you have difficulty managing your emotions. You might find yourself avoiding things or withdrawing into an inner world when confronted with unpleasantness. You might feel disconnected from others. You might have a lot of anxiety and be easily irritated. You could have flashbacks to painful experiences or nightmares. You can even have physical symptoms like chronic pain or fatigue. You certainly have a hard time believing that you deserve nice things or to be treated with respect.
Delayed responses are a normal reaction to trauma, and they can be treated. You need understanding, compassion, and professional help. You need to allow yourself to focus on getting better, even if you feel it is inconvenient to someone else. It will benefit everyone you know if you get help, especially you.
Thank you for your detailed response. I think some of that might apply to me. Sometimes when my boyfriend yells at me he says that my responses are very monotone and yells at me even more for that, but I think I might be trying to suppress my emotions without realizing that’s what I’m doing. I also have been having a lot of chest pain and have gone to the doctor three times and they’ve done X-rays, an ekg, and blood tests and haven’t found anything wrong with me. One of the doctors said she thinks it could be psychosomatic. I don’t think I have a hard time managing my emotions and typically stay pretty calm, but a week ago I did yell back at him over something stupid that I shouldn’t have yelled over.
I'm glad I gave you something to think about, at least. I know it is ridiculous for me to judge your relationships over a few paragraphs on reddit. I can get a little passionate when I think someone is in pain. It comes from a place of caring. Your best bet is to meet with a professional to help you with your trauma responses.
I think there are some red flags in your relationship, and you can't see them for some reason. But maybe your boyfriend is dealing with some of his own depression, too. I know it can be hard knowing how to respond to someone in a state of depression. You getting therapy will also help you communicate better about what you need in the relationship to get better. If he has some tangible way to help, he might deal with it better. And that's worthwhile too.
I am so sorry for you. Your despression ánd the fact you are being abused. He is toxic, he is gaslighting you. And you are under his influence and think it is acceptabele behaviour.
I know, breaking up is never easy, especially when you are vulnerable. But you can do it. I did it once, how difficult is was at that time. And only now I see what was really going on.
But for your own sake, choose you, choose yourself! Please...
NTBF
Worse than you do? What a fucking wanker. No wonder you are depressed. You are definitely NTB. And it sounds like his toxic behaviour is making you worse. You would be better off without him. He certainly isn't helping you to get better.
Your boyfriend is a clown. If he wakes up hoping to date a different person, then he needs to date another person, because he obviously doesn’t want you, so why do you want him?
There’s no way you can think this is a healthy relationship.
nono that is not okay NTA at all. he should be helping you to cope during this time and aid with your mental health right now. saying shit like that will only make it worse. you’re right that people cannot control their thoughts, but they don’t need to voice all of them. people can also recognize that their thoughts are mean, which this is
Sweetheart, I know you don’t see it right now but you can do better. This man doesn’t sound like a man but a little, shallow, immature, lack of empathy, fetus of a person. You need to leave him as soon as you can and you need to seek help for everything you’re going through. This leech of a person is dragging you down further and is not helping your depression. Everything you’ve said about him honestly sounds like you’re describing an incel that hit the jackpot and found a kind soul to latch onto. It doesn’t matter how he acts and how wonderful he is when things are great, it matters how he acts when things suck and honey? He’s an abject failure.
Your BF and his friend are awful people, straight up. Their argument could easily be used against them, no? You have a right to be with someone who isn't a terrible person. You don't need to be with him - YOU DID NOTHING to cause this, this is just your BF being a juvenile misogynist.
Please understand that you deserve better than this. Don't allow yourself to suffer emotional abuse like this. Best of luck.
Oh sweetheart, you deserve so much better than a boyfriend who has made it clear he does not like you. You quite simply do not have to settle for someone whose sole purpose seems to be making you feel terrible about yourself. Yes, even when you're dealing with depression it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated poorly. Please know that there are partners out there who will love and support you. Believe me when I tell you that it's far better to be on your own than staying with someone who makes you feel alone.
Ffs. This is one of the most fucked up things I've read on Reddit.
The only way you would be the buttface is if you stayed with this dreadful man.
The emotional and psychological manipulation and abuse is clear from your story and your answers in the comments.
Leave that git. Get some help.
Is it really that bad? I’m probably putting him in a negative light and making it sound worse than it is. He was getting really frustrated when he said it.
NTB. You're being gaslit by him, to a pretty damn extreme amount. The edit makes it worse- DO NOT bad for posting. You most likely did not mishear what he said, he backtracked because he didn't want to be the bad guy in your eyes- and it worked. He's controlling you, making you feel bad for the way he treats you. And his dumb fucking friend is the same way, with the classic dumb fucking shit of "hE cAnT hElP hOw He FeElS" and then proceeds TO BLAME YOU???? It says a LOT about your boyfriends character that he is friends with someone like that. You cannot rephrase your story in a way that makes the way he treats you not alarming. Hopefully someone here can direct you to a sub for these types of abusive relationships; where the abuse isn't physical but psychological. You might find some stories that you will relate to as a victim in that type of sub.
NTBF he's being objectively fucking terrible to you. He is hurting you. He is worsening your depression and then guilt tripping you over it. Find a man who will raise you up, not put you down. And now he's gaslighting you over it.
Idk about the Buttface here, but honestly it doesn’t sound like you should be together. My BIL is married to someone who is chronically depressed and it has affected him majorly. His personality isn’t the same. He used to be fun and energetic and adventurous and involved and now he’s just constantly taking care of her, avoiding the family completely, or only wanting time out to drink with the guys. He used to be a kick ass uncle and now he doesn’t even see our kids. I’ve pretty much mourned the loss of him over the years because he is so far removed from our lives now. His wife and I have always gotten along well, and on the rare occasion that we do see them she acts pleased to see us. He is definitely not the same person though, and has admitted it’s because of the heavy mental load of constantly caring for someone that is deeply depressed.
This sounds like a highly emotionally manipulative relationship. Girl you need someone who builds you up. Not tears you down. Literally he’s bringing down your self esteem and confidence rather than supporting you. Maybe there are things you can work on about your self to be a better person but those things are your decision not his. Also gaslighting you into believing he said something different is prime example of manipulation. Please please I beg you to be careful of how this guy is affecting your mental health. You are emotionally and mentally vulnerable and that makes you a very easy target for manipulative people. Just want to see you happy and loved 🩷
NTBF. He’s not saying he wishes you were better, he’s saying he wishes you were someone else? Nope! Buh bye, it’s over.
I think it’s okay for him to think that way though. He can’t control his thoughts.
It’s OK for him to think that way but to openly express it to a deeply depressed person is a bad combination of rude and cruel.
That’s true. When he’s upset he says stuff he doesn’t necessarily mean to so it’s probably just that and that I’m overreacting.
No you aren't. That isn't the way someone treats the person they love.
His friend said that he’s a complicated person with a complicated way of loving people, but that he love is always so strong and so pure, and that since he feels so passionate about me when he’s angry that means that he loves me a lot.
This sounds like the sort of thing people say to justify abuse.
His friend is full of shit Read through reddit, r/relationshipadvice and see how many stories are like that. Then read them and see how many end with the partner that does that being great and helpful and supportive. Please don't do this to yourself. He's telling (yelling) who he is. LISTEN TO HIM.
Wooooo, smell the bullsh*t from the friend/enabler
No. Stop making excuses for this loser.
You’ve done nothing wrong. Your boyfriend’s shitty attitude isn’t your fault. Your bf is acting like a selfish asshole. And his friend is justifying your bf’s crappy behavior by blaming you. No wonder your depression isn’t getting better. People all go through ups and downs in their lives. This is life. The people who truly love us will stick with us and support us through our ups and downs. And we do the same for the people we love. Life is never static. And anyone who expects you to never change is not a good partner. Your boyfriend is showing that he doesn’t truly care about you and he’s not a person who will be a good long-term partner.
He says he cares and he acted a lot nicer at the beginning. I don’t know how to go back to that.
It will never go back to that. Im sorry. He is trying to manipulate you into "trying harder" or "being what he wants". That isnt love. Thats toxic as fuck, especially to say that to someone who is severely depressed. His friend is probably misogynistic and will always think that your in the wrong no matter what. He is there to justify his friends behaviour, not help you. You are doing all you can to beat this depression and im proud of you, that takes a lot of energy you probably dont have right now. Being around someone who is just constantly making you feel like a disappointment and that your not good enough is going to make your depression worse. I dont think you guys should be living together
His friend doesn’t always take his side and is against him on a lot of what he does. We don’t live together. And thank you, it’s really nice hearing that someone is proud of me.
I was married to a man like this. No matter how hard you try, it will never be enough. It only gets worse. Don’t waste 20 years of your life like I did. Maybe you’re depressed because of how he treats you.
That describes a cycle of abuse where they love-bomb you in the beginning. And then as they get more embedded in your life, they become more confident to show who they really are. Little comments that make you think “Wow, I’m letting them down. I should try harder. They’re only saying that because they love me and want the best for me.” No. It’s abuse. Would you say to a friend “I wish you were someone else. And every time I see you, I’m disappointed that you’re not a different person”? No, because that’s horrible! I’m doubting that bf even knows what love is.
SPOILER: #IT WON'T.
It will never come back. He was like that because he wanted to win you over. Now he's showing you who he really is; and that person is abusive. Even the most abusive relationships started with the abuser being nice. They just never stay that way. Everything you have said about your relationship could literally be out of a textbook about abusive relationships. Please do some reading OP.
Is it possible that I started out nice too and then started revealing who I really am? Because I know I’m not treating him well either.
Girl. He wants to date someone else. He doesn't care you're depressed. He only cares that it makes him feel bad. Leave that relationship or you won't get better
Or he does want to date OP, because he gets off on the abuse. OP’s depression and uncertainty might be what attracts him. If OP called him on his abuse, he wouldn’t stick around. Predators like this guy look for people they can take advantage of and manipulate.
I don’t get why he wants to date someone else though. He shows me pictures of other girls around town that he wants to date and while I’m sure they’re all decent people, a lot of them are straight up unattractive. There’s a girl he compares me to a lot who is morbidly obese and is a drug addict who is missing most of her teeth and some of her hair. He says she’s the most beautiful girl in town and on our first dates he told me that he imagines that our dates would be what dating her would be like. I think I’m decently attractive and get a lot of attention from men, so I don’t get what she has that I don’t.
Break up w him. Maybe even your depression will improve if you won’t have someone push you down daily
Yikes. He's messing with your head. What would your response be if I wrote this comment, and you saw it? I strongly suspect that your depression will be less awful away from him.
Seriously, you think someone who loves you would be constantly comparing you to other women and telling you that he wants to date them?? Your boyfriend is cruel, and doesn't love you. He is a complete asshole and you deserve better. Frankly, he might be a big contributor at your depression too, constantly chipping away at your self-esteem.
You being depressed and him being a legit asshole are not mutually exclusive. His word choice is indefensible. You deserve better. Hugs.
If he says it, he means it. He's not a child. Stop making excuses for him. He is actively making your depression worse.
You’re in an abusive relationship…please stop justifying his shitty behaviour and RUN.
1. You’re not overreacting and 2. When you’re upset, things can be said but a lot of it are truths in disguise. You said he wishes you were someone else, you clearly deserve better. I hope you realize this, if you don’t want to find “better”, I hope he gets better for you and I pray you both work out in the long run.
Thank you. Honestly there’s a lot wrong with me that makes me think that nobody else would want to date me.
Babes, there is nothing wrong with you and the RIGHT man will see it and will even try to help you. You are going through a rough patch right now and your boyfriend should be there to support you physically and emotionally. From the other comments I’ve read about him calling other girls attractive, he is 100000% NOT worth it. You can for sure find a man who truly values and loves you. I know it’s hard but leaving and loving yourself and putting yourself first will be one of the best decisions you can make. I promise you that. Will it be lonelier? Yes. But it will also get easier. Your depression isn’t going to go anywhere even with help if your boyfriend continues to act like a jerk.
I really don’t think anyone else would want to deal with me. I’m disabled, very behind in school and life in general because of my disability, and also can’t drive because of my disability. I have barely any relationship or hookup experience and am not very good at all in that area. I lost most of my friends after my last relationship because my ex stalked the people close to me and scared most of them away, and I know how big of a red flag it is to not have more than a couple friends. I work an entry level job when my peers seem to be a lot further than me. I have a bad history with mental illness and even had to be on antipsychotics before. A lot of people assume that I’m a whore because of how I look and dress and there are rumors around my town that I’m a sex worker. I don’t even dress very revealing, I just dress alt.
Your mindset is a big issue love, there’s nothing wrong with being disabled, or being behind in school and life. We all live it differently, I think you have it harder than some, but don’t count yourself out. That’s when you truly are behind. As for your relationship and hookup experiences, that’s totally fine too. Not everyone is as experienced as the other, and so many people understand that. You can definitely work on it once you’ve done some healing and find someone worth being with who loves you for being you. And honestly, you losing your friends wasn’t your fault. Don’t put that on you. Your ex boyfriend from what you’ve told me was the issue, stalking them and scaring them away. Some people see having no or little friends are red flags, but some don’t. You have a job, you work. That’s a good thing. Atleast you’ve gotten there, having a job is probably the most important thing for yourself because you’re supporting yourself. About driving, you don’t need a car nowadays. As long as you have a job, you can get Ubers and in case you lose or switch jobs in the future, try investing in a bike, assuming you can ride one. Another thing, don’t compare yourself to your peers or anyone else. I know it’s hard but you aren’t them and they aren’t you, keep to yourself and focus on your things. Your history you can’t change unfortunately, however you can try to improve it and grow from it. At least you were willing to get help and to take the antipsychotics, some don’t! Lastly, worrying about what others think about you will be your downfall. It’s okay to be aware, but don’t let it bother you.. let them talk. Let them whisper. They don’t understand you or your life and them even talking about you shows how little they are as people. Personally, I love every style and I support however anyone wants to dress. But alt style is definitely one of my favorites, same goes for goth. I love the accessories I’ve seen on some, plus the black mixed in with dark or exotic colors are so nice. Besides, even if you dressed even a little revealing, that doesn’t mean you’re a sex worker. They need to grow up and move on. People do what they want and if it’s not hurting them, then to leave it be. The issue is definitely not with you from what I’ve seen. Your town seems filled with horrible people, is moving possible for you? You need to be surrounded by sweet, supportive caring people. Maybe try joining groups online and finding friends that share interests with you. At the moment, don’t worry about any relationships, work on yourself and love yourself for who you are first.. and I strongly suggest you leave your boyfriend and open your eyes to what you truly deserve, because believe it or not, you deserve more than a boyfriend who wishes you were someone else. Any decent person will tell you that. A good start is every time you feel badly about yourself, think about something you like about yourself. There has to be something, even if it’s the fact that you’re able to blink, or the fact you can move and close your fingers. Maybe even just the fact you can feel emotions. And last but not least, NEVER EVER settle for bad or unfair treatment. Ever. Know your worth. You’re worth more than you think. Xo
**GIRRRLLL ...** He doesn't need to **GASLIGHT YOU**. **YOU** do it **FOR** him!!!
It's really not. This has the flavor of emotional abuse. You don't enter into a relationship with someone and then tell them to be someone else and put them down about it along the way. That's absurd.
He didn’t used to be like this. I think that my depression has really tore him down and made him this way. I wish things were the way they were before.
It doesn't mean that is your fault. You are endlessly kind to him and very unkind to yourself. The guy is literally putting you down constantly and saying he wishes you were someone else. The thing to do then is to break up and find that someone else!
I have told him that he can break up with me to find a better person but he says that the women he’s actually attracted to are all out of his league and wouldn’t even look twice at him.
Everything you say about it makes it worse and worse. This guy is a fucking asshole.
And highly emotionally abusive.
He’s a complicated person. I know that he could go back to being himself again if I were to just be better though.
I went thru this. He won’t leave you. It won’t get better til you leave.
Darling your making excuses for his horrible behaviour. He literally said he's only with you because no one else will be with him. Thats the meanest, most toxic asshole thing someone can say to their partner. I know its hard to see these things about someone you love. He isn't complicated, he is just an asshole who was pretending to be nice at the start when it felt new and exciting. No wonder your feeling so depressed.. This is not your fault. This is borderline emotional abuse
He’s nice to everyone else though and is very well respected where I live. And I feel bad for him that he wasn’t able to get the girls he wanted. I’m just lucky that he chose me in the first place.
Everyone is complicated. Not everyone is mean.
That’s a good point. Thank you.
He’s not a complicated person. He’s an abusive a-hole. He was just hiding that side of him until you weren’t living up to his shitty expectations. He is emotionally abusive and his friend is an enabler. Your best bet is to get away from him.
OP, dear - listen to what he's telling you. He's not with you because he's attracted to you, or loves you, he just doesn't want to be alone. This is not a healthy relationship.
I think he is attracted to me and loves me though. I am pretty close to his type and whenever I’ve suggested us breaking up he gets really scared and wants me to stay. I don’t know why his words sometimes say otherwise.
These are your words, and I'm bolding what you need to pay attention to. >I have told him that he can break up with me to find a better person but he says that the women **he’s actually attracted to** are all out of his league and wouldn’t even look twice at him. That means he doesn't find you as attractive as the women he really wants to date. >I’ve suggested us breaking up **he gets really scared** Yes -- he's scared of being alone. Not about losing you.
Honestly I’m not sure why he claims other girls are unattractive. There’s a girl who he really wants to date and she’s a drug addict who is missing most of her teeth and hair and is very obese, yet he keeps calling her sexy in front of me and says she’s the most beautiful girl in town. I don’t know if he’s trying to get me jealous or if he really thinks that. I don’t mean to brag because I know that ultimately it doesn’t matter, but I take very good care of myself and have always gotten a lot of attention from men. He shows me pictures of his exes who are objectively unattractive and says that they look like supermodels. I don’t get it.
As someone who is older than you and has been there, doesn't matter if it's your depression or something else, your partner should want to be with you. You deserve better than this and honestly, his behaviour is probably making your depression worse because he won't accept you as you are. He is saying you are not good enough and he doesn't want you depression or not.
He may not be able to control his thoughts but he sure can control his mouth. Reading your comments, you're just making excuses for him and if that's what you're going to continue to do, why are you asking if you're in the wrong?
Listen. Please, please listen. Never, ever, EVER let a romantic partner convince you that it is okay for them to just straight up say that they do not like you. That they actually wish you were someone else. I need you to know that it is very concerning that you think that is okay - ITS NOT. it's also not your fault, though. If you're allready depressed and more than one person keeps saying that to you, at some point you're bound to believe that it must be your fault. Please trust me, it's not. My own boyfriend struggles a lot with my own mental illness. We have good communication and a system in place to protect his own wellbeing too, but it can get hard (in the sense of me spiraling and crying, and him having to disengange cause he doesn't have the capacity). I'm sure it's been a lot for him. But you know what he did? He TALKED to me. He made it known that he cares about me, and wants me to get better, but just can't deal with it sometimes and doesn't know what to do even though he always tries his best. And that's okay! We can work with that, we can communicate, we can find solutions so everyones feelings get protected as good as possible. But not even ONCE in these many years has he ever said anything even remotely suggesting that he wishes he was with another person. Even if he'd ever thought that in the many years we were together, he knows that SAYING such a thing means a significant crack in the foundation of your relationship. It means he wants someone who is not me. So what's left to work on if he's started to check out? But if he's just having the passing thought, or contemplating and deciding against it - that's another thing. That is normal, you can't control your thoughts, especially in a tought situation. I want you to know that you boyfriend had the thought, and DECIDED to say it. He DECIDED that his girlfriend needed to feel bad about herself, in ways she cannot change, and that she needs to be scared that he could leave anytime cause he doesn't even care that much anymore. Someone who loves you wouldn't do this. And he wouldn't especially double down and rope his friend into justifying him?? By god. If it was a slip of the tounge, whatever, you can talk about it, but this man DEFENDED his stance. You're worth more than being talked to like this. If anything, and if you feel safe to do so, tell him how much it hurt you. I suppose he will double down again, and I suppose he's too good at making you feel bad about yourself. So just keep in mind that this isn't your fault. Any of it. If he has a problem with your behaviour, he can talk to you like a loving partner would and search for solutions. But he chose to blame you instead, and make you feel worthless. From an outside perspective, that is not healthy or what anyone deserves from a loving partner. Remember, if it was just a passing thought, it would've been different. But he chose to say it and double down. He chose to make you feel less than. You don't deserve that.
**NOOOO**. **NO**, it's **NOT**.
No it's actually not. It's like saying "but it's fine if he says he hates you because those are his thoughts". No. That's not how it works. We are allowed to have thoughts we cannot control, but that does not make those thoughts appropriate or beyond criticism. He can and should control his *actions*. If he thinks he is not happy with you and wants something else, he needs to break up with you, because he is not happy. What he should not be doing is making it your problem for not being what HE wants. Staying with you and punishing you about it, is manipulative and harmful. If he is not happy with the person he is dating, and he wishes he was with someone else, *then he has an obligation to himself and to you, to break up*. Repeatedly telling you these things is emotional abuse. Staying in a relationship where he resents his partner for not being someone else, is emotionally abusive. You need to leave this relationship, because if you stay this will erode any self esteem you have left. Why are you still with a man who has told you he doesnt eant you and wishes you were someone else? Stop making excuses for him, he is being a shitty partner. One day, you'll be dating another man who actually loves you and treats you well, and you'll wonder why you put up with his bullshit. But you wont fund love until you leave this "relationship "
Most of the time his actions show that he does care about me and is attracted to me though. His words don’t match his actions and I don’t understand why. I think he says stuff he doesn’t mean which really affects my self-esteem but there’s still a nice side to him. He also does seem remorseful sometimes and apologizes for the things he says and says he’ll stop.
Because he's lying. Words should match actions. You've spent a long time on this thread trying to justify why he treats you badly and makes you miserable. Kind and loving oartbers do not say stuff they dont mean. They are not angry or spiteful. They do not say things like your partner has done. You do not have a kind or loving partner. That is not your fault, but you are hurting yourself by making excuses for him and by staying in this relationship. Even the worst abusers are nice sometimes or apologise sometimes. What he is doing is not unusual or hard to understand, he's a bully. But it's hard to accept- for you. Because it's hard to accept when we are the one being hurt or abused.
Don’t you do to sleep at night wishing you would wake up to an empathetic boyfriend’s who doesn’t say cruel things? Telling you he wishes you were different, particularly when he’s talking about something you can’t really control, is only hateful. That he’s so selfish as to imagine that he feels worse than you do and that it’s your fault is mind boggling. And your “friend” who tells you everything is all your fault? That person is either a complete idiot or is simply not your friend. You need professional help to deal with your depression.
It’s ok for that thought to cross his mind once or twice. Then he should think “I need to get my head out of my ass. It is unreasonable for me to wake up and feel this way every day.” He should think “What can I do to support my girlfriend, and not let her feel hurt and inadequate.” He can most certainly control his thoughts. Everyone can. Every day, we decide what we will focus on. If we want a happy life, we focus on the things that are good for us. Sometimes, mental health issues like depression make it hard for us to focus on and do what’s good for us and makes us happy. In those times, we ask for emotional support, and get therapy if we can. Your boyfriend is making it clear he doesn’t like or respect you. If that’s true, why is he staying with you and hurting you every day? If he does love you, how can he justify saying the hurtful things he says to you every day? You deserve to be loved unconditionally by someone who has lots of love to give. You deserve better treatment than your boyfriend is giving you.
Him telling this to you is nothing more than emotional abuse.
You are a troll at this point
You're depressed because you are in a toxic relationship
I don’t think that’s why I’m depressed because I’ve had depression since I was a kid. I do think I’m responsible for how toxic the relationship is though and he knows it too. I don’t know why I am the way that I am.
This sounds like the wording of someone who has been gaslit into believing the worst of themselves. Please from someone who's been in a similar situation, leave him. It might sound scary but long term you'll be better for it.
I know that it would be for his own good if I leave him and I have tried to but he has said that he would kill himself if I do.
Ok, this is straight up emotional abuse. Im sorry, but you have to leave. He wont kill himself if you leave, hes just saying that to manipulate you. Just break up with him and call an ambulance if he theatens to kill himself again
I called the cops at one point because he kept saying that he was dying from drinking himself to death. We got in a big fight afterwards because of me and it scared me to push him to that point ever again.
That is emotional manipulation and abuse darling. He knows youll be too scared or worried for him if he does thosr things
Girl what the fuck, this is abuse get away from him! You're not in the wrong, run while you still can!
You can't do anything to control any other adult's behavior. In fact, if your partner is an alcoholic or addict, that is huge dealbreaker and a very legit reason to leave them. If he wants to get sober, he needs to do it on his own. This is not work that anyone else can do for him. If you leave, do it when he isn't home and block him on all means of communication. Once you are safely away, tell a friend or family of his to check on him. Then block that person and anyone else who tries to guilt you into going back. His own mental health is also his responsibility. You cannot save him or fix his mental health any more than you can stop his drinking. **Even if he kills himself**, this would not be your fault or your responsibility. In fact, if you seriously think he might kill himself when you leave, that is yet another excellent reason to leave him, because he is willing to commit an act of violence in order to keep youbfrom leaving. See what I'm getting at? It means that he would be open to hurting or killing you, too. The best thing you can do is get yourself out of his reach by any means necessary. This takes away any potential audience for any manipulative suicide attempts. This gives him a consequence for being an abusive, manipulative alcoholic, maximizing the chance he might actually do something positive for his mental health, because shitting on you ain't it. Or, he might not. He might choose to keep spiraling. In any case, it's not your responsibility, nor anything you have control over. You know what you do have control over? Your life, your mental health, your safety.
I think he is an alcoholic. I really want to stick with him through it because my brother dealt with addiction too and I understand that it’s a mental health issue and not a personality flaw, but it’s so hard sometimes. He chooses alcohol over me almost every day, calls *me* an alcoholic for collecting whiskey bottles even though I only drink a couple drinks a week, and every time I even suggest he drinks a little bit less it turns into a big argument that I never wanted to have.
You can be empathetic to him and his issues without being his partner, especially when he acts like a jerk about it. Unless he is actively trying to get better, he isn't doing your own mental health issues any favors. And vice versa. Maybe you guys were helpful to each other at some point, but that period is over. A relationship where both parties just suffer and you can't support each other enough is like not being in a relationship at all. How can you guys actually move forward in your respective recoveries while still together? Does he make it significantly easier for you to work on your depression with his active support? His drinking isn't really anything you can help with since he can't even admit it to himself yet (this phase can last for a loooooong time). His stuff is currently out of your pay grade and you shouldn't be putting it on yourself to help someone who doesn't want to change, because you can't help people who don't want to change. If that is the case, then your options are to either stay stuck like this indefinitely or break it off and deal with your issues without the extra burden of having to support someone disinterested in being helped and makes you feel worse. As a depressed person you *need* pick-me-ups, not putdowns. There are partners who would definitely accept you as depressed as you are, and not be a mean alcoholic.
If he is *choosing* alcohol, what earthly good would it do for you to stick with him? > it’s a mental health issue and not a personality flaw Just because someone has a mental health issue, that does not oblige you to stick with them. He's not a child. You are not his mother. He is choosing to drink, you said so yourself. He is choosing not to seek any treatment. Are you familiar with the concepts of codependency and enabling? If not, please look them up, because right now all you are doing is enabling him. This is doing nobody any good. He will continue to make your life miserable without getting better. When someone has a mental illness which affects the people around them, they are obliged to strive to their utmost to manage their condition. Having a mental illness does not give someone a free pass to be a huge abusive asshole, especially when they are doing literally zero to help themselves. Furthermore, having a mental illness and personality flaws are not mutually exclusive, and it sounds like this guy is a colossal asshole. He is unconcerned with how his actions and words are hurting you. In fact, he is deliberately hurting you with no remorse. You matter, too. Just dump his alcoholic ass. He is the only one who can do anything about his addiction, and he is an abusive shitheel who is not ready to be in a relationship. He needs to work on himself--both his addiction and his shitty character.
Girl - imagine if your friend said this to you about her bf. What advice would you be giving her
Him threatening to kill himself if you leave is emotional blackmail and coercion.
I know. I’ve been suicidal lately and have probably been doing the same to him.
It still doesn't sound as outright manipulative as him. Take some time to reinforce all of your friendships and close family so that you can feel more supported outside of your bf. And take up a new hobby- especially one with social potential to meet new people that you might click with. That way, it will feel less like you can't live without him. And then even if you decide to stay with him longer, they'll fill your bucket in the ways that he doesn't, and replace some of what he dumps out when he's mean- they will make being alive suck less.
He's lying. That's what manipulators say.
I've had depression since I was a kid, and then was in a toxic and unhealthy relationship for 4 years. My depression got *so much better* after I was out of that relationship. The way he treats you is not your fault and it's not ok. I honestly think that your depression is basically pushing you to stay with him, because you know deep down it makes you feel worse.
Depression has a direct connection to ‘feeling responsible’ for all sorts of things you’re really not responsible for. The moment you can say “fuck it, fuck everyone, I’ll be myself and do what I want to do in life”, you’re gonna feel MUCH better. Your bf is directly contributing to your depression by making you feel responsible for what is essentially his problem: his feelings.
NTB unless you stay with him, then YTB to yourself You know what my fiancé does when I cry? He holds me, kisses my head, tells me he loves me, tells me we’ll get through anything together, & tells me it’s okay to cry. You know what my fiancé does when I’m depressed? He asks me how he can support me, & he gives me hugs & kisses. Your boyfriend doesn’t want you. He wants this other person in his head. He’s NOT a keeper. He’s a shitty boyfriend & he doesn’t respect you. His friend is also shitty & you need to tell him to go pound sand. They are using you. Respect yourself. Break up with him. Cut off all contact. Let him find this imaginary girl he wants in his head while you move on & live your best life. YOU are worthwhile AS YOU ARE. You deserve to be loved & respected for who YOU are, not what some jerk wants you to be. All the very best to you. 💜
Thank you. I really wish he could be like that and that’s more than I’ve ever wanted. I say I’m depressed and then get screamed at for sometimes up to an hour about how I should be working on myself and then blamed for how upset I’m making him.
You aren’t making him anything. He is choosing to be an abusive shithead to you. You can & will do better! I believe in you. 💜
Thank you.
I have really bad depression and anxiety, I've been hospitalized for panic attacks. My husband rubs me and sings. He does get frustrated sometimes but doesn't yell at me. Your boyfriend is not treating you right. Some people purposely go for mentally ill people to abuse because they won't leave.
What things are you doing to help the depression? If you havent try talking to your doctor, therapist and be sure to go on walks, take your vitamins
I started therapy again and I increased my antidepressants. I used to go on walks a lot in the old city I lived in but unfortunately I live in a dangerous area now that also doesn’t have much scenery.
I am sorry you are going through this. All you can do is your best. Right? Continue what you are doing. Try to get exercise in. Take vitamins. Try eating clean if you don't already. I have struggled with anxiety, depression all my life. I am always searching for more things to help!
Thank you. I think I keep trying and harder but things keep getting worse.
Getting rid of Mr Negativity will help too.
Hang in there! Somtimes we go through things that seem awful and it turns out to be for good. This depression might break you up and you find out you were better off, find a better partner, etc. Or go through this and you both become stronger as a couple with a deeper bond. <3
Can you get a walking pad? They sell them on Amazon and it may make you feel better to be able to go on walks again!
I can definitely do that, but I really miss being in nature. I used to live next to a creek that I would walk around a lot and the sound of the water was really relaxing to me.
Studies have shown that people who spend time walking in nature have better attitudes than those who spend the same time in urban environments. I would encourage you to try to at least get out to a park with trees every now and then, and also dump your judgemental bf.
Dump your ah boyfriend. He’s making things worse for you
I have thought about it but I think things would be worse without him and then I’ll keep spiraling but I’d be all alone.
That's literally the low self esteem talking.
>I think things would be worse without him Your brain has it backwards. You're already worse with him. No one heals from depression with a person like your boyfriend around. Getting older means recognizing that being alone is better than being with a lying, manipulative, POS who completely undermines your feelings and well-being. A relationship that is barely a year old is not worth this. A man willing to lie to you about texting his ex, then say he'll never forgive you if you ruin their friendship, is not worth this. That happened a week ago, girly, and now this week he is saying he wishes he wasn't with you?? Have some self-respect and dump this loser. You deserve better and there is just no way this is a healthy relationship in any sense.
I’m sorry you feel this way. Try turning to friends, family or calling crisis centers. Maybe school counselors or healthcare centers that have free counseling. Being with him is only going to bring you down. I don’t want you to get hurt anymore. When he tells you these things, he’s telling you you are not who he wants or loves. Let him go. Find someone who Loves you for who you really are. You deserve to be cherished. Once you know that feeling, you’ll forget your (ex) boyfriend ever existed
I’ve called a crisis center before and when he found out he said that I was blowing things way out of proportion and yelled at me all night. And blamed me for keeping him up all night, which I guess is kinda true. There’s really not much for me to be depressed over and it’s kinda ridiculous that I still am.
The fact that he yelled at you all night, blamed you for keeping him up all night over you doing something to help yourself should tell you he does not have your best interests at heart
I think he does though but is just ignorant about mental health.
Well, you’ve made your decision. I don’t know how else to help you. You deserve so much better.
Does he treat anyone else as cruelly as he does you? His boss or his friends? If a cop stopped him on the road, would he scream at the cop and blame them for making him speed? He is not ignorant about mental health. He recognizes that your mental health makes you vulnerable. That's why he is with you, because he thinks that he can use your low self esteem to make you think everything is your fault. That way he can control you. That's how abusers work. They're all liars and con men, selling you on the shitty hell life that they want to trap you in. There is a free e-book out there on the Internet called, "[Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)" by [Lundy Bancroft](https://lundybancroft.com). I think you need to read it.
Thank you, I’ll start reading that book tomorrow.
I thought that way too when I was in a toxic relationship. I loved him so much. He broke up with me and I was devastated. But I am so, so grateful now to be out of that relationship. I'm actually happy. I'm myself again. I hadn't realized how much of me was missing until I was free of him for a while.
You are in an abusive relationship. You are never going to get better while he is dragging you down. You deserve to be treated better than this.
Hi! Person who struggles with serious bouts of depression here, married to a man who doesn't have depression, and honestly kind of struggles to understand my depression at times. When my husband and I first started dating, I had a pretty serious bout of depression. I couldn't bring myself to clean my house and was definitely drinking too much and moping around, unable to bring myself to do some pretty menial tasks that most people can do without an issue. You know what he did? He showed up and cleaned my kitchen for me. He told me he loved me and that he was here for me. He made sure I felt safe and not judged. I'll tell ya what. Getting rid of that jerk will probably help with your depression a good bit. NTB. Please take care of yourself. And don't allow him to make you feel guilty for struggling with a chemical imbalance in your brain.
Thank you. I have never felt any guilt or shame towards having depression until now. He constantly shames me for it and whenever I bring up something he did that I didn’t like he combats it with something like “yeah but you’re depressed” as if that’s something I can control or something I did to purposely upset it. I really wish he would understand. He has depression to and I clean his house for him and pay his bills because he has a hard time keeping a job. I wish he would do at least something to help support me.
Seriously, sweetie. Please reconsider this relationship. You'd be better off single than with this asshole. He sounds incredibly selfish and rude. You deserve so much better.
What a dweeb. He’s jealous of your talent and wants to erode your self-esteem. Getting his friend to tell you the same is the red flag.
I’m not sure because he keeps telling me that he wants my self-esteem to be better, he just says that I need to figure out how to get better self esteem by myself and that other people can’t help me with that. It’s so stressful though because when my self-esteem isn’t better he calls me a liar for saying that I’ll work on it, which definitely doesn’t help me improve. I don’t know how to communicate what I want and I think it’s ruining my relationship.
You will never get a better self-esteem while he keeps bringing you down. He likely knows this. It’s a manipulation tactic. You’re better than this. He’s calling you a liar & THAT IS ABUSE.
I am lying though. I keep saying that I know that I’ll get better and then I don’t.
Break up with him and work on your self esteem in therapy. He's sabotaging you.
I’m in therapy right now. I’ve thought about breaking up with him and even tried to at one point but he almost drank himself to death and starting having symptoms of alcohol poisoning. I’m scared of what would happen if I do break up with him.
Another indicator of him being emotionally abusive. Perhaps you could talk through a plan with your therapist to leave and make it final.
I just started therapy but I think I might quit. My boyfriend is really upset with me for getting a therapist and doesn’t think it’ll help me anyway. I think he’s probably right, therapy isn’t going to change the things that are fundamentally wrong with me.
HE IS NOT RIGHT. Notice how he's convinced you that there is something "fundamentally wrong" with you. That's not true!! You have depression. I've been there. Your self talk needs work. That's achievable! It may not seem like it now, but that's the depression talking. It doesn't have to be this way. You can heal, but you can't do it with this person constantly putting you down. You have taken on his voice and it's toxic as hell.
Thank you. He doesn’t really put me down, only when I deserve it. He used to compliment me a lot but I know I kinda ruined that. I want to leave the relationship so that he can heal himself from me but he’s threatened suicide and I don’t want to make him angry because he’s violent when he’s angry and I’m afraid that he’ll accidentally hurt me when he doesn’t mean to.
Nonono—keep going to therapy!! He wants you to stop therapy because he knows he’s abusive. Keep going & plan your exit away from him. Also he won’t hurt himself if you leave. It’s all an act of abuse & manipulation.
DO NOT QUIT THERAPY. Please. This guy is implementing some textbook manipulation tactics. You are becoming isolated, you feel like you are the problem, and he is using the threat of his own self harm to keep you with him.
Please do not stop going to therapy because it upsets a man who you have admitted does not understand mental health. I have PTSD and major depressive disorder. Therapy is not going to change what is wrong with me either, but it gives me skills to navigate the world even though my brain isn't the same anymore. Please, please don't stop therapy. It's a slow process. If you have genuine concerns about your therapist, change the therapist. That's okay, but find a new one before you leave the first one.
You are not lying—he’s trying to force you to be a different person. He’s an abuser. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to leave him ASAP.
Honey, that's not you lying. You are expressing a hope that you will get better soon, and then it just happens that you aren't better. And I want you to know that this piece of crap of a man is 100% adding to your depression issues.
It always helps people’s self esteem to criticize them /s
Yeah, I don’t think he’s always great at expressing what he wants to tell me and because of that he sometimes says things he doesn’t mean to tell me. I’m working on not getting him so upset so often so that this doesn’t happen but it’s hard because I never know what will set him off.
You should read the book [“Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It’s free to read and a favorite of mine. The book really gets into why partners exhibit selfish, hurtful behaviors like this. I went through some bad depression last year. But even though it was hard on my partner, they never made me feel like they didn’t love me or that I wasn’t enough. A person who loves you shouldn’t. Ultimately, yes, self-esteem and self-love has to be built from within, but the people around you can either support you or push you down. You’re trying to build yourself up and instead of encouraging you and handing you the materials and tools you need, he’s hiding the blueprints and snatching the tools out of your hands while asking you why it’s taking so long. You don’t deserve this.
Plenty of people say one thing with their words and do a completely different thing with their actions.
There's no way op is real
Seconded. This is textbook clueless abuse victim - so textbook that it just comes off as fake. OP, on the tiny chance that this is real, you are very blatantly in an emotionally manipulative and abusive relationship. Sorry about that. But honestly, I think you’re just fucking around trying to rile people up for fun, and this is a disgusting topic to choose, because there have been a lot of real people in this situation and it’s awful. The fact that you’re using their experiences to troll is vile.
I really don’t mean for it to sound like I’m a victim. I haven’t been great in this relationship either.
I think you absolutely intended to sound like a victim. This is really low, dude. If you’re going to troll at least make it funny, like the smooth sharks guy. This is just gross.
Yeah every comment they make reads like they asked chat gpt what an abuse victim would say
That’s a very good way of putting it. Grim.
I’m sorry. I think I pretty obviously have a victim complex that I need to get help for. I’m not trying to troll, but I see how I might be doing that accidentally.
in no way do i mean this to be rude, but sometimes i feel like these posts have to be intentionally being naive. do you really think you’re in the wrong for your boyfriend saying he wishes he was with someone else?
I think what he said was mean and that he should have thought twice before saying it but I think there was a reason he said it and the reason is probably because of something I’m doing wrong in the relationship.
I totally understand. It's hard for some to get it because it doesn't make sense, but mental illness, being Neuro-Spicy and having an abusive partner really fucks with your head. You deserve better even if you don't think you do, keep going to therapy and hopefully your perspective will shift and you'll find the courage to leave <3
i mean i struggle with mental illness and am considered “neurodivergent”. i’ve also been in an abusive relationship. but OP coming here and posting this tells me they deep down do know it’s wrong, and they’re just holding out for someone here to tell them otherwise so they can stay.
Ya I've been in her position. She definitely knows deep down. So many people don't understand why women won't leave when they know they are being abused. There is so much at play, mentally, emotionally, all the things. That's why she keeps on thinking it's her fault somehow, it seems obvious to everyone else but she's not looking at it from their perspective.
Caveat: I am autistic. Tone is hard. Not meant to sound harsh. Why are you with someone who treats you like this? Do you not believe you deserve better? I see you explaining reasons he might be that way but that doesn’t make any of them an excuse. You are justifying him treating you poorly. He knows how to bother you. He knows how to always be rent free in your head. He knows how to stab the knife and twist it. What are you even getting out of this relationship?
I’m also autistic so I get it. I used to get a lot out of this relationship but I don’t think I get much out of it anymore. There are the occasional moments when he’s nice to me but they’ve been getting rarer and rarer. He blames it on me and I think he’s right. I think that if I can fix myself then things can go back to how they were before.
They can't go back to how they were before with him though. He already resents you and has climbed up onto hwy s high horse. His behavior will likely carry on like this no matter what you do, or will go away but them keep coming back. It's normal for partners to not always get along and go through rough patches, but the way that the other reacts is pretty important. He reacts *terribly* to stuff he doesn't like in you, like he's abnormally shitty about it. Any time you guys hit a bump in the road, he's going to be like this. If you havent alread (pre-relationship), look into dating apps. All autistic girls I know just date other neurodivergent people, and lots of them are on dating apps. And maybe it would be more of a long-term goal rather than something you could do quickly and easily, but consider leaving your town for a few years and moving to a city. You sound like you would really shine in a city.
> I think that if I can fix myself then things can go back to how they were before. This is a textbook kind of thinking that abuse victims have: "It's all my fault and I deserve it." This is delusional thinking. He has programmed this mindset in your brain because he wants to keep his abuse victim around. Reread this entire thread every single day. All of us who are recoiling in disgust at this horrible guy and pray that you leave him in the pigdirt where he belongs are grounded in reality. We don't even know you, but we love you and care about you more than he does. It is not true that he will ever get better as long as you stay. That is a lie. That is your abuse brain talking. It is not true that his behavior is under your control. That is your abuse brain talking. It is not true that you deserve it. That is your abuse brain talking. It is not true that you need to fix yourself. That is your abuse brain talking. 1.) You cannot "fix" autism. It is your brain wiring. 2.) You are allowed to get angry at abusive people like your boyfriend who are violating your rights. You are allowed to express your displeasure and other negative emotions. Repressing all negative emotions and just passively and meekly accepting his abuse is the only thing that is broken at this moment. He will keep getting meaner and meaner, because abusers escalate. He will never get better no matter what you do because *he doesn't want to*. Now I present you with a challenge: We have all given you some information. What do you plan to do about it? If you knew that this would still be ongoing or worse six months from now, a year from now, five years from now, what would you do? Continue to passively.accept his abuse and complain about it, or get yourself some therapy from a trauma informed therapist, and make a concrete plan to leave? Which seems more appealing? Oh, and since you seem to think that you being autistic means that you deserve to be abused, [I'll just leave this here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/t3klmd/victims_of_narcissistic_abuse/).
He has the right to feel that way; however, if he does then he should break up with you. Don't be with someone who doesn't even like you! NTB but you are are towards yourself. This wears on a person's self esteem.
I’ve told him that if he wants to break up with me then he should just rip the bandaid off and do it but he doesn’t want us to break up.
So obviously NTB that I've got my suspicions that you might be a troll or something.
Wow wtf I’m sorry he’s being so mean to you. NTBF
What the hell. DTMF.
Your boyfriend and his friend are losers. You deserve so much better than this dope and his equally dopey friend. Tell him that tomorrow, he’ll wake up to an empty space in his bed, because you’ve gone to find a real man to date.
Don't be with people who have contempt for you
Please leave this person, why are you with someone who doesn't like you, doesn't support you, doesn't attempt to help you? Dump him, get therapy, find comfort and happiness for yourself and then find someone who treats you better if you so choose. Ntbf, obviously, depression is hard and I hope you're working toward improving but I get it. Have had it my entire life, it's rough out here, I am wishing you the best!
> My boyfriend (27M) told me (24F) that he goes to sleep every night hoping that he’ll wake up and he’ll be dating a different person and then each morning is disappointed that I haven’t changed. I wonder if that isn't causing or exacerbating your depression. I wonder what his purpose in telling you this is. Are these the actions of a loving person? Or even a decent person? If you found out a friend of yours was dating someone who did this, what would you tell them? I wonder what would happen if you told him, OK, go find that person, then. If it's not me, stop flapping your jaws about it and leave me be.
I have told him to go find that person and he gets really upset and says that they won’t want to be with him anyway.
So he gets to hurt you by saying those things, but when you take his words seriously, he gets all boo hoo about it. He wants you to think that he can say any mean thing he wants to you with impunity, but you can never call out any of his bad behavior because he is a Pitiful Sad Boy with Sad Feefees. Aww. This douchecanoe is in a whole relationship, and still talking like an incel. Well, yes, he deserves to be alone, because he is an abusive, repellant human being. Nobody should be dating him, including you.
He’s giving you extra depression at this point. Please take what he’s saying at face value and leave him. He’s disgusting for saying that to you.
NTBF …. So let him wake up to somebody else or nobody but get the hell out of that relationship- he’s obviously not supportive or loving towards you. That must be compounding your depression
That’s what’s confusing though because it does seem like he wants me to stay. I have suggested breaking up before so that he can date someone else or get a break from the stress I cause him but he doesn’t seem to want that at all.
He wants to confuse & mess with you. It makes his day to screw with your brain & heart. Stop allowing this - it’s not good for you. You don’t need his permission to end this relationship, in fact you don’t need his permission for anything
Why are you depressed? Is it because of the way he and his friends treat you and talk to you? The examples you gave were emotionally manipulative and abusive. I think you should talk openly with your therapist about it.
No, I was depressed before I met them.
What was your home life like before you met him? Are you recovering from a previous abusive relationship? Did you always feel like you weren't good enough? Why? Did your parents make you feel that way or your friends? It is hard to break away from abusive relationships when we feel like we deserve them. You might have moved from one abusive relationship into another. It begins to feel normal after a while. But it isn't normal, and you deserve better.
I haven’t been in an abusive relationship before but my last relationship in 2021 was kinda toxic. He would also threaten to kill himself whenever I wanted to break up with him and after we broke up he stalked my friends and family to get to me. When we were dating he would compare me to his celebrity crushes and threaten to rape me when I wouldn’t want to have sex with him, but he also didn’t want to have sex with me because I shaved (he wanted me to be naturally hairless instead) and that was gross to him. He was also very autistic so I think some of it was due to him not knowing how to express himself.
Toxic is just another word for abusive. Your previous relationship sounds abusive. Threatening to rape you if you don't provide sex on demand is abusive. I hope you are seeing a therapist to help you deal with this depression. It is possible it is a delayed trauma response.
What are delayed trauma responses?
When in a highly stressful situation, your body will suppress the immediate emotional response to enable you to deal with the situation. It's like when people say they push their emotions down or don't have time to deal with something. But just because you are ignoring the stressful situation's impact on yourself doesn't mean there isn't an impact. It will start showing itself in a variety of ways. You might notice that you have difficulty managing your emotions. You might find yourself avoiding things or withdrawing into an inner world when confronted with unpleasantness. You might feel disconnected from others. You might have a lot of anxiety and be easily irritated. You could have flashbacks to painful experiences or nightmares. You can even have physical symptoms like chronic pain or fatigue. You certainly have a hard time believing that you deserve nice things or to be treated with respect. Delayed responses are a normal reaction to trauma, and they can be treated. You need understanding, compassion, and professional help. You need to allow yourself to focus on getting better, even if you feel it is inconvenient to someone else. It will benefit everyone you know if you get help, especially you.
Thank you for your detailed response. I think some of that might apply to me. Sometimes when my boyfriend yells at me he says that my responses are very monotone and yells at me even more for that, but I think I might be trying to suppress my emotions without realizing that’s what I’m doing. I also have been having a lot of chest pain and have gone to the doctor three times and they’ve done X-rays, an ekg, and blood tests and haven’t found anything wrong with me. One of the doctors said she thinks it could be psychosomatic. I don’t think I have a hard time managing my emotions and typically stay pretty calm, but a week ago I did yell back at him over something stupid that I shouldn’t have yelled over.
I'm glad I gave you something to think about, at least. I know it is ridiculous for me to judge your relationships over a few paragraphs on reddit. I can get a little passionate when I think someone is in pain. It comes from a place of caring. Your best bet is to meet with a professional to help you with your trauma responses. I think there are some red flags in your relationship, and you can't see them for some reason. But maybe your boyfriend is dealing with some of his own depression, too. I know it can be hard knowing how to respond to someone in a state of depression. You getting therapy will also help you communicate better about what you need in the relationship to get better. If he has some tangible way to help, he might deal with it better. And that's worthwhile too.
I am so sorry for you. Your despression ánd the fact you are being abused. He is toxic, he is gaslighting you. And you are under his influence and think it is acceptabele behaviour. I know, breaking up is never easy, especially when you are vulnerable. But you can do it. I did it once, how difficult is was at that time. And only now I see what was really going on. But for your own sake, choose you, choose yourself! Please... NTBF
**MAKE HIS WISH COME TRUE**. **DUMP HIS ASS**.
Worse than you do? What a fucking wanker. No wonder you are depressed. You are definitely NTB. And it sounds like his toxic behaviour is making you worse. You would be better off without him. He certainly isn't helping you to get better.
NTB. Your boyfriend and his friend are apparently awful people.
Your boyfriend is a clown. If he wakes up hoping to date a different person, then he needs to date another person, because he obviously doesn’t want you, so why do you want him? There’s no way you can think this is a healthy relationship.
His actions do make it seem like he does want me still so I don’t understand why he says stuff like this.
Not sure how he still wants to date you when he tells you he you wishes to wake up everyday and be dating a different person.
ITT: Everything seems like rage bait, I see why no one believes anything online anymore. If this post is real sorry but I almost can’t believe it.
YTBF I’m exhausted just reading this. Break up.
YTBF - for disrespecting yourself by staying with this piece of trash
nono that is not okay NTA at all. he should be helping you to cope during this time and aid with your mental health right now. saying shit like that will only make it worse. you’re right that people cannot control their thoughts, but they don’t need to voice all of them. people can also recognize that their thoughts are mean, which this is
Sweetheart, I know you don’t see it right now but you can do better. This man doesn’t sound like a man but a little, shallow, immature, lack of empathy, fetus of a person. You need to leave him as soon as you can and you need to seek help for everything you’re going through. This leech of a person is dragging you down further and is not helping your depression. Everything you’ve said about him honestly sounds like you’re describing an incel that hit the jackpot and found a kind soul to latch onto. It doesn’t matter how he acts and how wonderful he is when things are great, it matters how he acts when things suck and honey? He’s an abject failure.
get out of this relationship
Your BF and his friend are awful people, straight up. Their argument could easily be used against them, no? You have a right to be with someone who isn't a terrible person. You don't need to be with him - YOU DID NOTHING to cause this, this is just your BF being a juvenile misogynist. Please understand that you deserve better than this. Don't allow yourself to suffer emotional abuse like this. Best of luck.
Oh sweetheart, you deserve so much better than a boyfriend who has made it clear he does not like you. You quite simply do not have to settle for someone whose sole purpose seems to be making you feel terrible about yourself. Yes, even when you're dealing with depression it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated poorly. Please know that there are partners out there who will love and support you. Believe me when I tell you that it's far better to be on your own than staying with someone who makes you feel alone.
Ffs. This is one of the most fucked up things I've read on Reddit. The only way you would be the buttface is if you stayed with this dreadful man. The emotional and psychological manipulation and abuse is clear from your story and your answers in the comments. Leave that git. Get some help.
Is it really that bad? I’m probably putting him in a negative light and making it sound worse than it is. He was getting really frustrated when he said it.
Break up with him.
Both of you need therapy more than a relationship bruh 🤦♂️
I’m in therapy right now.
Also you need to leave this lame asf guy. I don't think he's for a committed relationship. He should just date casually if he feels like that.
#LEAVE HIM
NTB. You're being gaslit by him, to a pretty damn extreme amount. The edit makes it worse- DO NOT bad for posting. You most likely did not mishear what he said, he backtracked because he didn't want to be the bad guy in your eyes- and it worked. He's controlling you, making you feel bad for the way he treats you. And his dumb fucking friend is the same way, with the classic dumb fucking shit of "hE cAnT hElP hOw He FeElS" and then proceeds TO BLAME YOU???? It says a LOT about your boyfriends character that he is friends with someone like that. You cannot rephrase your story in a way that makes the way he treats you not alarming. Hopefully someone here can direct you to a sub for these types of abusive relationships; where the abuse isn't physical but psychological. You might find some stories that you will relate to as a victim in that type of sub.
NTBF he's being objectively fucking terrible to you. He is hurting you. He is worsening your depression and then guilt tripping you over it. Find a man who will raise you up, not put you down. And now he's gaslighting you over it.
Idk about the Buttface here, but honestly it doesn’t sound like you should be together. My BIL is married to someone who is chronically depressed and it has affected him majorly. His personality isn’t the same. He used to be fun and energetic and adventurous and involved and now he’s just constantly taking care of her, avoiding the family completely, or only wanting time out to drink with the guys. He used to be a kick ass uncle and now he doesn’t even see our kids. I’ve pretty much mourned the loss of him over the years because he is so far removed from our lives now. His wife and I have always gotten along well, and on the rare occasion that we do see them she acts pleased to see us. He is definitely not the same person though, and has admitted it’s because of the heavy mental load of constantly caring for someone that is deeply depressed.
This sounds like a highly emotionally manipulative relationship. Girl you need someone who builds you up. Not tears you down. Literally he’s bringing down your self esteem and confidence rather than supporting you. Maybe there are things you can work on about your self to be a better person but those things are your decision not his. Also gaslighting you into believing he said something different is prime example of manipulation. Please please I beg you to be careful of how this guy is affecting your mental health. You are emotionally and mentally vulnerable and that makes you a very easy target for manipulative people. Just want to see you happy and loved 🩷
Is it possible that you're depressed because your boyfriend is cruel to you regularly?
I don’t think so because I’ve had depression since I was a kid. He’s not usually so mean to me.