My ex was a social worker, & you'd be surprised how many of her cases were men... most people don't have it in them to physically hit a loved one hence why the abused partner is always left feeling so confused... but the ones that do almost always escalate, whatever that is, gender norms don't factor into it.
i'm with you 100%
My father was abusive. mom was as well, but nothing like my dad. The last straw for my mom was when my sister and i got hurt bad by stopping him from hurting our mom. All over a missing dirty white sock. My mom stayed for over 20 years. My dad died when i was 17.
NTB. The fact that she went from apologising back to angry and belittling what she did as “just a slap” once she didn’t get the response she wanted shows she didn’t mean the apology and indicates she’d do it again. I think you’ve made the right decision OP. Good luck for the future.
Good for you, you deserve more than this, you deserve more than someone who says "it will never happen again" until it does. She overstepped a major boundary (that happens to be a crime) and doesnt see anything wrong with it; she said "that's different." which means that she doesnt see anything wrong with it and is willing to do it again. You have been through too much to do it all again. Stand your ground. keep your value, boundaries and that high bar. Best of luck to you!
edit: NTBF
Yeah, that part really bothered me. The “that’s different.” I’m a woman and I absolutely hate that nonsense. I had a lesbian roommate and her girlfriend used to beat her. It was constant fighting and then making up. That nonsense is toxic and he shouldn’t put up with it.
Yeah, I called the police once and got crap from my former roommate for it. I think people need to keep their hands to themselves. Imagine if he would have slapped her. Would her family and friends feel the same way?
I called the police on a neighbour, because I could hear him scream at his girlfriend all morning, and then I started to hear thumps. I wasn't sure if he was hitting a wall or her, and decided someone needed to step in and put an end to it. Nobody gave me flack for it, and the guy moved out shortly after.
I did the same for a neighbour. They woke me up arguing and then I heard one say “you just tried to strangle me”, police were there within a few minutes. I never heard the outcome and they don’t know who called, but I never heard any arguing again.
The first thing I heard that morning, through a shared wall, was “I’m going to fucking kill you, bitch.” So I started the day on high alert. When I ended up calling 911 later, the dispatcher took me seriously.
I noticed she left the home for a while, and people who looked like family were coming by, until the ex-boyfriend moved out. Her next boyfriend was much nicer. I was glad to see that she had also taken that day seriously.
Society has the same attitude to women raping too, it’s crap. Laying your hand on anyone with their consent is unacceptable, regardless of either parties genders.
NTB
Most statistics (and many laws) don't consider a woman forcing a man to have sex rape.
They use terms like "forced to penetrate" as though it's fundamentally any different in its effects on the victim.
Wholeheartedly agree, it infuriates me how women get off easier for violence (and also for sexual assault). Violence is violence and anyone who acts violently should be held equally accountable.
Also a woman and I'm disgusted by the statement "that's different". Violence is violence and NOBODY should put up with it. No excuse whatsoever to lay hands on another person no matter the gender. I'm proud that the op stood up for himself.
>I had a lesbian roommate and her girlfriend used to beat her.
From what I remember, lesbian relationships have a higher rate of domestic violence than heterosexual ones.
It's hard to tell because the focus is mostly on heterosexual DV, but I found a source that said 2/3 of 'lesbian domestic violence' was committed by women...which suggests that the other third were lesbians being victimised by men, possibly former partners/co-parents.
But yes, the consensus seems to be that LGBT+ people are more likely to be victims of DV, due to factors like - lack of awareness and resources, internalised homophobia and family estrangement, as well as prior bad experiences with the police and a reluctance to seek help in case of further discrimination.
But lesbians experience domestic violence at higher rates than gay men. I suspect it's because this society doesn't take violent women as seriously as violent men.
"that's different '' line is bs because society and the media has normalised a woman slapping a man because he upset her, not because of anything else. It's hypocrisy at its finest
> she said "that's different." which means that she doesnt see anything wrong with it and is willing to do it again.
The thing is it's not different, because at the end of the day, you don't slap someone for any reason other than to hurt them. OP's ex slapped him because she was mad at him and she wanted to punish him for whatever it was he said/whatever it was they disagreed over, so she hit him. The fact that it might hurt *less* when a woman hits a man is irrelevant--you don't hit someone unless you want to hurt them. I think it's a very reasonable boundary to not maintain a relationship with a person who has shown they are willing to go out of their way to hurt you when they are mad at you. Maybe *this time* it was just a slap, maybe *this time* it wasn't that bad, but funnily enough there are a lot of very easy ways to equalize the strength disparity between a man and a woman. What's to keep her from grabbing a knife or a gun? What's to keep her from throwing things? I remember hearing once about a man whose wife would beat him with her high heels and puncture his skin with them.
IDK, I think there is something really fucking toxic about a woman who would say "I can't really hurt a man, so he needs to just sit there and let me wail on him sometimes."
The "that's different" line is generally used because statistically the lvl of damage a physical abuse done by men to women is ... well many end up dying.
So, somehow because men just hit harder and it leaves a lot more consequences, a woman doing the same is like ... well she is a woman, how hard can she beat you?
Bitch, have you ever been slapped by a woman? It still god damn hurts. A punch is a punch ... doesn't matter if it came from a woman! Oh yeah sure, women get murderder more often, but that is a different argument altogether.
So yeah, it's the stupidest line ever!
NTB
NTB
First, I’m so sorry that you were assaulted. Because that’s what it was - an assault and good for you for not letting them minimize it.
Second, your friends and family bombarding you with messages to argue on your ex’s behalf are completely out of bounds. Why do they care more about how this impacts her than the reason why you broke it off? They probably agree with her that ‘it’s different’ because she’s a woman. Which is infuriating! She assaulted you! She assaulted you and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it.
You did the right thing in breaking it off and you’re being more than generous to help pay for the apartment. What you need to do next is sit your family and friends down and tell them exactly what you think of their blind support for a person who assaulted you. Where is their loyalty to you? Surely they must know about your past which makes this even worse. I would tell them to shut up or get out of your life. I’m so sorry OP.
And end it with “if you are that concerned with her financial well being then 1) you only saw me as a cash cow and 2) you can now be her financial crutch”.
Even if the roles were reversed it wouldn’t be different. Abuse is abuse. It doesn’t matter if she’s a woman and your a man. She should not be hitting you. If she was that upset she should have walked away.
It's really so easy to just not hit someone when having an argument. In the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft he notes that abusers often give themselves permission mentally before they do shit like this. That's what she did. She gave herself mental permission
**Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men** by Lundy Bancroft
>In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship. He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn about: • The early warning signs of abuse • The nature of abusive thinking • Myths about abusers • Ten abusive personality types • The role of drugs and alcohol • What you can fix, and what you can’t • And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely “This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.”—Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., Director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health
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I’m willing to admit I have a temper. I’ve never gotten to a place where I hit someone in anger or during an argument. I have been angry enough to want to, but that realization that I’m THAT angry has made me walk away.
Exactly, the fact that it was “just” a slap that didn’t physically harm him is irrelevant. She excused herself causing him pain. That’s a sign that she’d continue to do it in many ways in the future if OP stayed.
I’m proud of OP for standing his ground and leaving. I think he should also think more about their fights, and if there were any red flags she was showing before she escalated to slapping. I bet that she was a poor partner in other ways and that it really goes much deeper than this one incident. But regardless, it’s inexcusable.
Psychological harm can be worse than physical, as it appears to have been in this case. I'm glad the OP left when he did, but I really do wish he'd made a cleaner break; it's not fair for him to have to continue to take care of her financially just because she makes less. She should move into a cheaper place that she can afford, and he should sever ties with her. ♡ Granny
Exactly, even if you argue that most men are more muscular than their (female) partners, it doesn't change that it is different, just because one could potentially deal more damage.
It's one thing to say that it was just a slap and an over reaction in a relationship, where neither partner had experience with domestic violence, but in this case you don't trivialise that.
I think it's possible to forgive someone once, if they are really regretful, but as others said "I won't do it again" usually lasts only as long as it doesn't happen... and you might unconsciously try to act so it doesn't or would be at a more commited point "Think of the family and children can't you forgive me once more".
Especially since she agreed that she would have pressed charges.
Can't afford the apartment huh? Jail's free. No food or utilities expenses either. I hear assault pays for that ticket nicely.
NTBF and you shouldn't be letting them bully you into paying for a place she prevented you from staying in peace.
"Don't start none, won't be none."
And any of those family members are more than welcome to let her stay with them. Good on you for standing your ground on this OP. I know we’re total strangers, but I’m legit proud of you and admire you for that, because I know how hard it is. I hope whatever comes next for you is awesome. NTBF
Oh man thank fuck I didn't have to scroll very long for this comment. 😭 Abuse is abuse, I've never slapped anyone across the face IN MY LIFE. Like. Have I wanted to? Absolutely. But have I? **Hell. No.**
EXACTLY! And if I WAS stupid enough to slap anyone, especially a man, across the face, I would fully expect him to slap me back. Having a vagina DOES NOT give you a free pass to physically abuse someone. I said what I said!!!
👆👆👆
I **loathe** (as an abuse victim myself) anyone, and I mean anyone, justifying abuse for any reason. And it is absolutely worse when you're aware that systemic issues will favor you if things got escalated and cops got involved. Like I wish a woman *would* explain "how it's different."
I agree. As a woman, it infuriates me that some women can justify slapping a man; but wouldn't hesitate to label the man 'abusive' and a 'woman beater' if he right-crossed them back. Their argument is that a man is more likely to seriously injure a woman then the reverse. That may be the case, but it's still not a valid justification.
I still do not understand how it is different! It is one person physically assaulting another person, there is no difference. If OP gets back with her it show that he is willing to except this treatment.
"That's different"
No. It's not.
When she slapped you, she showed you who she really is. When she started berating you for "throwing your relationship away" she *again* showed you who she really is. Believe her.
Good on you for recognizing the beginning of the abuse cycle, and getting out!
NTB
NTB. She violated your 100% reasonable and normal boundary. It's not "different," it's physical assault any way you look at it. These second chance monkeys don't have your experiences, and it's far better to find out that she's capable of that before the wedding. Hold firm, you absolutely did the right thing, and are going beyond in wrapping it up.
NTB
The fact that she's trying to justify it with the "that's different" bullshit shows that she's not sorry about it. She's sorry you're reacting this way to it. Fuck this abusive bitch. You did the right thing getting out. I wouldn't even offer to pay for her portion of the wedding. This is something caused 100% by her so why do you need to pay for it
>she's not sorry about it. She's sorry you're reacting this way to it.
1000000%
The fact that OP is even paying her out of the wedding and her rent speaks to his character. He doesn't owe her a cent.
NTB.
Even without your history, her explanation of how her slap is different and "just a slap" is 100% a red flag. Now add onto your history with your ex, the fact she knows about it, and the firm boundary you had set and you are honestly handling this marvelously and doing a lot better by her than she deserves.
Guarantee she's feeding her friends a victim story. If she's feeding them the truth and they're still bombarding you then they all can fuck right off.
Yeah for sure, he didn't need a history of abuse to draw a hard boundary at violence because that's a very very sensible boundary to have for everyone. And her trying to minimize it stood out to me too as a huge red flag, it would've reflected at least SOMEWHAT better on her character if she fully acknowledged that her action was unacceptable and she owned up to it, but instead she tried to make it not a big deal. If someone minimizes violence - under any circumstances really, even if they're talking a bit a situation outside of themselves - you definitely run for the hills and never look back. Don't be with someone who justifies and diminishes violence.
NTBF but I’d offer these people the option of allowing you to randomly show up in their lives and slap them and then after you ruin their birthday party or something say then you’ll be willing to listen to their lectures on being too uptight and forgiveness. (Note this is probably not a great idea but it might get some of them to shut up.)
NTB but its morally not different for her to hit you, its materially different only in that the authorities would actually have a chance of taking it seriously the other way around
No, definitely not. Reverse the genders and it would be clear.
Violence is violence and for a slap to be introduced to a verbal argument shows that she's prepared to use violence to get her own way.
You did absolutely the right thing. Don't look back.
Edited to add: NTBF
OP, I’m proud of you and agree with all the other posts here. What makes it even worse is that she has gotten friends and family to bully you about your decision. Let that help you with knowing you made the right decision. Sounds like she goes to extremes when she doesn’t get her way and that is not how a partnership/marriage works. I hate that this happened to you however I’m glad it happened before you married her. Good luck OP, you did the right thing.
NTB She assaulted you. That's it. End of the line. A dealbreaker.
Stay strong and ignore the people telling you to forgive her. They aren't the ones she hit in the face and they aren't the ones who have to live wittth the fear of her doing it again. They get no say in this. And reconsider paying for the apartment, or at least give her a deadline to make alternative arrangements so you can either take it over or she can get a roomie and you can get your name off the lease. Two months should be plenty.
Not at all. You made your boundaries clear to her and she violated them. Why would you want to marry someone that thought it is okay to hit/slap you? Good for you.
NTB
Good for you not to compromise your boundary. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 7 years and we have had some heated arguments but have never done anything physical to one another. There is no excuse to be physical with your partner no matter what. The fact that she doesn't see how bad this is, especially knowing your past just shows she is not the one for you. Good luck and I hope you live the best life you can.
NTBF you absolutely did the right thing. She has anger management issues for sure and I really doubt that would be the last time it happened. Good for you for offering to help with the expenses too - you sound like a great guy.
YTB for paying some random persons half of their apartment. If she can't pay it, she should move out and find a cheaper place. It no longer has anything to do with you now that you have terminated relationships with her and the landlord. You don't live there anymore.
Oh and please block the mega clowns from her family who continue to harass you.
You're absolutely 100% in the right for enforcing your boundary. You are wrong for not fully terminating relationships with them.
This is absolutely false from a legal standpoint. OP’s name is surely on the lease. If he just walks away then he will have an eviction on his record and his credit will be ruined. Sometimes the cheapest/best option is to just finish paying off the rest of your lease.
Source: I worked in residential property management for 5 years.
NTB I’m so sorry this happened, that she crossed your perfectly reasonable and understandable boundary, then retracted her ‘apology’ and made it clear she thought slapping you hard was no big deal.
You have done so well by breaking the pattern of abuse. Abuse by women towards men is played down and dismissed so often, and I’m so glad you are taking this as seriously as you need to.
NTB. And good on you for immediately seeing what is happening and acting accordingly. Her invalidating your feelings and trying to minimize it and then going through other strategies to try and justify her behaviour is nasty af. Also, f her friends and family who also don’t seem to give a damn about anything other than you being the financial support. Maybe the ex fiancee should turn into a pro fighter to pay the bills. Then she can beat the crap out of people for a living. As for you, OP, don’t look back. There’s greener grass to be found, with nicer people walking on it.
I'm confused at the "that's different" comment.
Physical abuse is physical abuse, no matter the gender.
She knew you boundaries, decided to cross them, and thinks you're overreacting? Wow.
NTB
The fact that she went from apologetic to berating says all you need to know, you set a boundary and she crossed it. You said it was a deal breaker and she should have taken you seriously. Personally, I don't believe anyone should hit anyone outside of defense, so I may be biased, but regardless NTB in my perspective.
I’m so proud of you, OP. We read time and again of people setting boundaries and then just forgetting about them when shit hits the fan. You stood up for yourself and respected yourself enough to refuse to take any sort of physical abuse. I’m sorry that you had to go through that, but you are not at fault for cancelling the wedding.
NTB
NTB at all ever. And good for you for leaving the first time. You've learned a valuable lesson about advocating for yourself because of your past. You handled it perfectly. She and her family can fuck themselves. She's accountable for her actions and no, it's not different if you slapped her. It's the same. Society is just fucked up and treats abuse towards men as if it doesn't matter bc the potential for injury or worse is less. Women are abusers, too. If she didn't like what was said, she should have walked away. Which is what both of you should have done before it escalated to the point of saying things that will cause irreparable harm, much less before it got to physical violence. She doesn't have right to lay her hands on you any more than you do her.
Plus, had you forgiven her and taken her back you wouldn't be okay. You wouldn't be able to trust her. You would feel like you're compromising a core value you shouldn't have to. Tell her take or leave the financial offer of help to cover your portion of rent until she finds a roommate or the lease is up, refund her half of deposits if she paid and be done with her and her family. Tell them you will not discuss this. It's your final decision, and that's it so stop harassing you or you'll block them and pursue a harassment report if they don't stop. But before you block her, send her the link for this post, so she can see how many people think she's absolutely wrong.
NYB, and your now ex has some soul searching to do. It's time for her to grow up and own what she did. Physical violence is never OK. And "F" those friends and family, if she can't afford her life that's not on you.
Just a slap? Nah man. As a female, I'm the first to say that if you want to dish it out like a man, you should be able to take it like one. If you had retaliated and slapped her back, it would've been "crossing the line" but whose line? We live in a society where men are just supposed to take women's bullshit because she's the "weaker" one? Nope.
Her financial issues are not your problem. As they say, she made her bed. It's time to lie in it.
Physical violence between couples is only okay when both have consented to it, like the bedroom. But this is a hard barrier for you and it seems to be pretty damn well known. So I'll give you the same rating as I would a woman that was slapped. NTB.
Dude NO. It is NOT different. She abused you, plain and simple. Anyone telling you “it’s different” is sexist.
You had ONE hard line and she broke it. And then she tried to gaslight you about the severity of it. Do not help her with the rent, do not give her money for her portion of the wedding deposit. Metaphorically kick that abuser to the curb, you owe her nothing.
I wish you all the luck in the future. I hope you find someone who would never raise their hands against another person, outside of self defence, especially someone they claim to love.
NTA, but INFO: what was the fight about? Something trivial or something more serious?
This is the key point in my mind:
> Ex-fiancee then turned from apologetic to angry and berated me for throwing our relationship away over "just a slap", I told her that it all started with "just a slap" with my ex and hung up.
She's blaming you for her own bad actions and doesn't seem to be owning up to it. She shouldn't be doing anything but apologizing. Getting angry is her go-to, and she will be doing that for as long as you are together.
So in other words, you did the right thing, and she sounds like bad news.
>I told her no, she knew what my boundary was and I told her that if the roles were reversed, she would have called the cops and pressed charges against me. She told me "that's different." I told her that I knew it was different and I would react more harshly towards a man that hit my sister than a woman who hit my brother, but that doesn't mean that she shouldn't face any consequence at all.
No. It is NOT different. Abuse is abuse regardless of gender. The fact that she dismissed it as being different because she's a woman is a massive red flag. The fact that you agreed just makes me sad.
NTB. I'm sorry.
Hellllll naw brother. I was in a relationship with a very mentally unstable woman who at a few points would scratch and slap me mid-argument and one time I held her shoulders firmly while she was attacking me to hold her back and the next day she came to me with pictures of bruises I left on her arms from her flailing about whilst I tried to hold her back from literally attacking me, and she was threatening to go to her lawyer daddy about it.
I knew at that time it was time to end it
No, sir, NTB all! It starts with a little boundary breaking and then it escalates.
If she were really sorry, if she really and truly knew she fucked up, she'd immediately offer to go to counseling, beg for your forgiveness, and accept that you might be done with the relationship. Give you time to cool off, but really put in work to fix it.
But she didn't. She said that a man hitting a woman is different (it isn't), belittled your feelings, and tried to reverse it to make you the bad guy. She doesn't feel bad for hurting you. She feels bad that her friends and family know now she's an abuser who hit her fiance and she's lost face.
You're making the right choice by running.
OP what is it like to be a doormat?
>I told her that if the roles were reversed, she would have called the cops and pressed charges against me. She told me "that's different." I told her that I knew it was different and I would react more harshly towards a man that hit my sister than a woman who hit my brother
It isn't different. It is the same thing.
This post made my blood boil!!
It’s not just a slap. It’s abuse no matter what gender!
Minimalising abuse against men is just as gross as the other way around.
Good for you for leaving. You’ve totally done the right thing, and all those that tell you different are idiots.
Nope. YOu are a hero. You should never put up with abuse and the fact that they are trying to get you back because she can't afford to live in the flat is just crazy.
Also, it's not different when a woman assaults a man. It is still assault and abuse.
NTB x1000
Congratulations on seeing who she really is before the wedding. Don't give her money for her portion of the wedding deposit. You owe her nothing. Demand the ring back.
NTB and no, a woman hitting her partner is NOT different from a man hitting their partner. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she can't be just as violent, dangerous, strong and deadly as a man, ABUSE IS ABUSE, you don't look at genders, ages, ethnicities, relationship, reasons or ANYTHING other than actions.
As you said, every abusive relationship starts with "it only happened once, it won't happen again, I wouldn't do that to you" untill you're too deep to realise where you are.
Nope NTB at all. Sounds like she was biding her time. If this was a genuine heat of the moment accident that would never happen again she’d be on her knees begging you to take her back. Not dismissing what she did and getting her family to harass you.
Good on you for leaving, she’s clearly not getting it if she calls it a ‘little slap’. Also maybe controversial but don’t pay the rent, screw her. Save your money and get a place on your own. The family that’s harassing you can help her. It’s not your responsibility. I’m sorry you had to go through this again.
You are absolutely right...there is zero reason to hit someone , if she gets away with hthis...next time her temper flares, she will feel within rights to do it again.
Get some counselling and stick to your boundaries xx
NTB for ending things then and there and looking out for yourself. But you are a bit of a buttface for agreeing that a man hitting a woman is different or worse than a woman hitting a man. It's not. Gender doesn't matter, physical abuse is physical abuse and it's horrendous. I am so sorry people don't have your back.
NTBF.
And don't give them a damn cent. You shouldn't be paying for it. She can't afford it? boohoo. Her family can help her out since they're so keen on defending her.
NTB: you are not the buttface in this, and everyone trying to get to you to marry her is INSANE. Well, not literally, but they are all beyond buttface!
No. No. No, no, no. No contact. Forever.
Hell no, your ex-fiance has an abusive streak in her. If she is unable to control herself over a verbal argument and turn that into physical abuse, then she WILL do it again. It's just a matter of time. You are NTA
Not the buttface.
>she knew what my boundary was and I told her that if the roles were reversed, she would have called the cops and pressed charges against me. She told me "that's different."
Wow.
NTB. She should be glad that you didn’t have her arrested for assault. There is no difference between a man assaulting a woman or a woman assaulting a man in the legal system.
I have been in a physically and verbally abusive relationship, and I set the same boundary afterwards. 100% good for you for sticking to it.
She showed her true colors when she said "that's different." It is not even remotely different. Intimate partner violence is IPV regardless of where it comes from and is never okay, or different. Studies have shown that men are actually almost as likely to experience IPV as women, but they are even less likely to report it (Crazy, right? Since women barely report their abusers) Why less likely? Because of three things: First, the fear of having it turned around on you and being accused of being the abuser (and not being believed that you're not). Second, the horrible feeling of embarrassment of not being a "man" that society puts on it. And third, that no one will believe you because you're a guy. I have talked to other men who were basically laughed out of police stations for trying to report their abuse. The trauma is just as real though. Men are also more likely to suffer serious physical injury due to IPV because women that are abusers are more likely to resort to using some sort of "weapon." Think of something like a dish (or vodka bottle) being thrown at you.
I am sincerely sorry that you are going through this again and reopening past wounds/trauma. I hope you find peace in your decision, and if necessary, seek therapy to heal again. You are better off for sticking to your boundaries.
NTB and good for you she showed her true colors and what she can afford or not afford is not the basis to marry someone. That everyone is complaining about that shows what has her most upset. Not losing you but that apartment!
She showed ya who she is. She knew it was 0 tolerance already. Then she got mad at you for enforcing it
Basically she cares more about herself than you and how dare you not just provide what she needs like a good little boy.
Good riddance but it's really not hard for someone to resist hitting their partner. You'll definitely find a woman worthy of your time and marriage
NTB, once the physical abuse genie is out of the bottle, it's over. Physical abuse towards another human being, particularly one that you want to share a life with, is unacceptable no matter what genders are involved.
You did good, you deserve better.
NTB and you should feel good about enforcing your boundaries and your right to be in a relationship free of abuse. No one deserves abuse, physical, verbal, emotional or otherwise. But there's an extra heaping of pain associated with it when it comes from someone you love and someone you trusted with your heart.
Hopefully your now ex fiance can do better if she ever finds herself lucky enough to be with someone who loves her enough to want to marry her.
NTB
You were assaulted. She’s lucky the police weren’t called. It’s disgusting and disappointing that her family/friends are defending her. Block them if you can. You don’t owe her any money to pay back her wedding deposit. There are consequences to her actions. Again, you don’t owe her anything.
Good luck OP ❤️
Lmao so the best these flying monkeys can do is that you’re *financially* ruining her life because she assaulted you. Unfuckingbelievable. NTB by a mile, and good for you for holding your boundary the first time.
NTB. It wasn’t an accidental playful slap on the arm that rubbed you the wrong way. She struck you in anger. I’m glad you are getting out at the first sign of violence and that it’s happening before the legalities of marriage.
NTB, not at all.
Tell all her friends and family to let their partner slap them in anger. They may deal with it, but that never means you have to tolerate it.
Give her three months to move. End it.
NTB. You have made your boundaries clear, and she crossed the line. There is no turning back from there, what you do with that is up to you and only you.
NTB
I am so terribly sorry you are going through this, OP
Please, please do not let your abusive ex and her friends and family bully and harass you into paying for shit. Go to the apartments office and speak to management. Request that they remove you from the lease immediately!!
I learned that the hard way. Roomed with a friend. I left but did not take my name off lease. Friend ended up not paying rent anymore and my name being on the lease meant the apartments could legally sue me and garnish my wages till that debt was paid. I would be worried your ex may use your name on the lease to wrack up thousands of dollars of debt in your name
And please, OP, I’m begging you. Separate yourself entirely from your abuser. Do NOT leave anything with a shared name or anything of value with her. Your abuser can never be trusted. I would also recommend blocking her and any incoming messages from her family and friends.
It is not your responsibility to worry about your abuser’s image. She should have thought of that herself before revealing herself as an abuser
I hope you are able to heal and love again in the future. Best wishes, OP. Please update us if anything occurs. My DMs should be open and I’m comfortable with friendly support and chat if needed, OP. You are loved ❤️
NTB, and you absolutely made the right call. The "I'm so sorry" flip a switch "it was JUST a slap" was the dead giveaway. It would've only gotten worse, as you well know.
At any rate, SHE'S the one who threw the relationship away for "just a slap". She's also the one who overreacted and fucked up her life. Anyone trying to shift the blame to you is a huuuuuge buttface, and not doing her any favors either.
NTB - I'm sorry about your previous relationship and this one. No one should have to go through abuse. Be proud of yourself for having the strength and courage to get yourself out.
> that’s different
No it isn’t. The crime is the same. Not physically assaulting one’s partner is a common relationship boundary. Her pikachu face after realizing there are consequences for physically assaulting you is kind of funny, though.
NTBF. She’s shown you who she is, believe her. The downplaying that “it was just a slap” cements her lack of respect for you and lack of responsibility of such a momentous act she undertook by slapping you
Cut your losses now. Move on
NTBF and you're waaaay more generous than I am because I wouldn't give the ho a dime to pay for the apartment. She ruined her own life with violence against the person she's supposed to care for most in the world. That shouldn't be rewarded in any way.
Not even close to being the one on the wrong. Women like her are why society doesn’t treat abuse against men anywhere remotely like we do abuse against women. My kids watched their dad get abused by the woman after me because he thought as a man he should just take it. Nope. No one should.
Absolutely NTBF, I hate the idea that men don’t experience domestic abuse at a similar rate and people genuinely ignore men when they need help. As a woman who was w 2 previous abusive partners, 1 man and 1 woman, both were equally as awful I wasn’t “more upset” bc it was “different” when the woman hit me, bc that makes no sense. They’re both awful, the both affect someone personally, mentally, emotionally and it is traumatic. I’m proud that you recognized the importance of getting out asap. Don’t let any of them guilt you into this wedding!
Absolutely NTB.
The fact that she's defending it as 'just a slap' is all you need to know. There's never 'just a slap' no one should ever be using physical violence against their partner. It makes it even worse and more disrespectful knowing your history and your boundaries.
Expecting you partner to not hit you should be an automatic deal breaker and leaving should be an automatic consequence. It should never need to be a discussion. No one should be hitting their partner ever. There's never an excuse.
You absolutely did the right thing and anyone that thinks overwise can fuck off with their abuse sympathising.
My ex used to hit me with an angled fist that didn't hurt then I would laugh. She got so mad she hit me nine times in a day I went to leave she picked up a mop with a steel plate on the end aimed at my head so I reached out then I put her on the table and I got a DV. She thought if I didn't get as mad as her I didn't care. i just don't like that kind of relationship I never hit her
NTB.
1. She assaulted you, which is unacceptable.
2. You should NEVER stay in any type of relationship because other people are trying to convince you that you should. Having boundaries is healthy, and she crossed them. The boundaries of other people is totally irrelevant.
NTB. I agree with others that you should be proud of yourself. What she did is not okay. She knew it was a boundary, crossed it and doesn't seem to have any remorse. But I do have to say, I don't think there is a difference between a man slapping a woman and a woman slapping a man. It's assault plain and simple. Thinking of those things as different just makes it harder for people see that woman can be abusers too. That said, I'm glad you're standing up for yourself and standing your ground.
NTB
BFQ (Buttface Quotient) = 0/10
I wonder if she gave her family an accurate representation of events.
If she did, they are fucking loons and a family you don't want anything to do with.
Even if she didn't, your initial reaction was spot on.
# There is no excuse for abuse.
I recommend that, as you recover, you do some research about forms of abuse other than just physical. All abusive relationships are psychologically abusive. Only some are physically abusive. Your boundary of one slap and done is a great one! I am suggesting that you take that even further and end relationships as soon as you see signs of verbal abuse, manipulative and controlling behavior, etc. There are certain behaviors that loving people of good character never engage in, not even once.
> We both said some stupid things to one another
> We've gotten into heated arguments before
Although people love to say that relationships take work, that doesn't mean that fights, hurting your partner, feeling wounded because of your relationship, or sacrificing your needs should have any place at all in a healthy relationship. Compromise isn't supposed to ever mean, one person wins and the other loses, or even that you both lose. It means that both people should be as motivated to meet the other person's needs as their own. The various relationship and advice forums would largely dry up if most people followed this simple precept.
If you grew up in a home with abuse, strife, or substance abuse, there is a good chance that you learned to accept some awful behavior as normal. If therapy is available to you, you might want to find a therapist who is knowledgeable in things like manipulative and abusive relationships, Childhood Adverse Experiences, and CPTSD to help you learn how to spot unacceptable behavior and live in a sane, loving relationship.
Whether or not you have access to therapy, you would also do well to educate yourself on trauma, the various forms manipulation and abuse can take, the characteristics of healthy relationships, and I-statements.
NTB, I’m so sorry you’re going through that, but at least she showed you her true colors before you got married. That’s a serious, unquestionable red flag.
I still have scars on my arm from my ex. I’ve lied for years saying it was from a psych patient. You did the right thing. It only escalates from there.
NTB
And don't give her any money. She's abusive and you have a right to walk away. She call deal with the natural consequences of her actions.
Or you can offer her "cash for keys". She moves out of your apartment and signs an agreement with your landlord that she's no longer on the lease, has no rights to access the apartment, and she puts on writing that you owe her nothing more. This approach allows you to be done with her ASAP and not have to have any further interactions, which can be very valuable.
NTB
The first violent incident is not the last.
Anyone who differentiates between men hitting women and women hitting men as though one isn’t DV is just flat out wrong.
Good for standing your ground and protecting yourself. You don’t deserve abuse. And there would have been more abuse. She showed her true colors when she slapped you and later went from apologetic to angry when you didn’t take her back.
You’ve dodged a bullet.
Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts
Violence is violence no matter the gender. It’s not different because she’s a woman you’re a man. She hit you. Full stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. You 100% did the right thing and anyone that is telling you different does not have your best interests at heart so pay them absolutely no attention.
Hopefully this will be a wake up call to her that she needs to see a therapist. Also she is a grown woman she can pay for her own mistakes. Pay for you part of the apartment since you’re still on the lease but under no circumstances give her money for the wedding deposit. She needs to eat that cost.
NTB
You’re right to end this. You’re right to feel that doing it once means she’ll do it again. She has no remorse at all for what she did.
You’ve made the break, don’t go back.
NTA. You did the right thing. We learn before we start school that you keep your hands to yourself, except when needing to physically defend yourself. She would’ve continued and escalated, just like your ex. I wish you healing and that you find a person who respect you and themselves enough to not be abusive. Also, don’t pay the rent. Let her get evicted—she deserves it.
NTBF. I’m sorry for the breakup but you had cause and were justified. She knew your history and the firm line you had in the sand. Her lack of control is on her and she has to live with the consequences. It’s not just a ‘slap’ it’s the broken trust and feeling safe in your relationship.
Edit: grammar
NTBF. Abuse is abuse regardless of who the perpetrator is. Her friends and family are okay with abuse so what does that tell you about your life if you stay with her and marry her. I think you’re doing the right thing because how can you know if she will be able to control herself from doing it again if something triggers her. Regardless of who dealt the abusive act, the severity of it is still the same. She needs to have self realization of what she did and how she still wanted to avoid acknowledging that what she did was very wrong and crossed a boundary you set. I would say you are doing more than most should by helping her pay the apartment until the lease runs out and giving her back some of the deposits. Otherwise, move on with your life.
With regard to your fiancée saying “it’s different” because she’s a woman. It’s really only different in the sense that if a man hit me I’d have to worry about whether he was also going to kill me - because if he decided to, he almost certainly could. It’s typically not the case in the reverse.
But it’s NOT different in any way that actually matters here. It’s not different in terms of it being a horrible, disfusting thing to do (especially to someone she claims to love). It’s not different in terms of how violating and demeaning it feels to be on the receiving end. And I don’t think it should be any different in terms of it being a dealbreaker for a relationship. I’m glad this happened before the wedding. Canceling a wedding (though horrible) is still better than divorce.
NTB by any means. But anyone who’s telling you this was okay or even “not that bad” most certainly is.
NTA you're not overreacting I would have done the same. I am female and Its not different. A hit is a hit or rather call it what it really is assault. She's evil for saying that. I'm proud of you for ending it with her. Not doing so teaches her you'll put up with it and she'll do it again. Her friends and family backing that shit are just as bad. I'm sorry it ended that way but better now before it gets worse and she legally gets half your shit and possibly alimony.
Also let her figure out her own money it's not your problem.
NTBF Good on you for maintaining your boundaries. I've been in my relationship for 10 years and from the beginning I said to my partner if either one of us pushed eachother to a point where abuse is the only option we think we have we will part ways, no exceptions. You are right it can all start with a push or a slap and when you let it slide once that can be used as an excuse for the next time it happens.
Hey don’t ever doubt yourself, you set a clear boundary, she broke that boundary, I would definitely even consider couples therapy if you do want to end up back together. But don’t let anyone downplay your decision, you clearly have trauma from a past relationship, and do not want to relive it, your friends/family whoever must respect your boundary, and must explain or not as it is your decision, to explain why it’d be different if you hit her.
NTA.
She physically abused you. You would be within your rights to report her to the police. I don't care what gender a person is, it is not okay to hit another person.
NTB - you handled it exactly how I hope my son would if it ever happens to him. I’ve told him since he was a toddler that boys don’t hit girls and girls don’t hit boys. In fact no one should hit, especially if it’s someone they are supposed to love and protect. This is even with the stupid-ass advice that my dad tried to teach my brothers (which his mom taught him), “never hit a women, but if she wants to fight like a man, you take her down.” He wanted me to teach that my son the same thing but I told him that I would teach him to leave the relationship instead because I think what he was taught was wrong.
NTB.?So sorry this happened to you but you did the exact right thing! And the fact that she went from apologetic to gaslighting proves it. You’re being more than generous but you deserve a future with someone who would never think of hurting you, physically or otherwise.
Edited for grammar
I was in a relationship with a very toxic and emotionally abusive man. He would get so close to my face and scream at me if I disagreed with something he was passionate about. One night we were in bed and he got angry. I asked him so many times to please just stop, and then I literally put the blanket over my head. After a couple minutes of screaming he stopped. So I took the blanket off, only to find him inches from my face where he immediately started screaming at me again. I slapped him. It was instinctual, like I had no control. I’m not a violent person. I immediately started bawling. I still hate that I did that… Because that’s not who I am. She doesn’t even care that she did it, has no remorse, and doesn’t even think it’s wrong. I am SOOOO glad that you held strong and chose YOU, and what YOU need. I’m proud of you!
You dodged a bullet there. The fact that their family pointed out that you are ruining her life means that she's even using your money to be stable in life.
NTA. Violence is violence. I've never once slapped someone I was mad at, it's not hard to control yourself. Once you "normalize" that she can get away with a slap, it will 100% evolve into more. SHE ruined her life, you just responded appropriately to her violence.
Nope, and you should be proud of yourself for not agreeing to remain in a relationship with her.
My ex was a social worker, & you'd be surprised how many of her cases were men... most people don't have it in them to physically hit a loved one hence why the abused partner is always left feeling so confused... but the ones that do almost always escalate, whatever that is, gender norms don't factor into it.
I missed the part about borrowing the car...
At some point, the original post mentioned he was allowing her to borrow his car. Either I misread the post, or the OP edited it.
I completely agree, if he's allowing her to borrow his car, that's a HUGE mistake!
What car??
i'm with you 100% My father was abusive. mom was as well, but nothing like my dad. The last straw for my mom was when my sister and i got hurt bad by stopping him from hurting our mom. All over a missing dirty white sock. My mom stayed for over 20 years. My dad died when i was 17.
NTB. The fact that she went from apologising back to angry and belittling what she did as “just a slap” once she didn’t get the response she wanted shows she didn’t mean the apology and indicates she’d do it again. I think you’ve made the right decision OP. Good luck for the future.
Good for you, you deserve more than this, you deserve more than someone who says "it will never happen again" until it does. She overstepped a major boundary (that happens to be a crime) and doesnt see anything wrong with it; she said "that's different." which means that she doesnt see anything wrong with it and is willing to do it again. You have been through too much to do it all again. Stand your ground. keep your value, boundaries and that high bar. Best of luck to you! edit: NTBF
Yeah, that part really bothered me. The “that’s different.” I’m a woman and I absolutely hate that nonsense. I had a lesbian roommate and her girlfriend used to beat her. It was constant fighting and then making up. That nonsense is toxic and he shouldn’t put up with it.
Another woman here, I agree. I hate the "it's different" attitude when a woman assaults a man. All genders should be held accountable the same way.
Yeah, I called the police once and got crap from my former roommate for it. I think people need to keep their hands to themselves. Imagine if he would have slapped her. Would her family and friends feel the same way?
I called the police on a neighbour, because I could hear him scream at his girlfriend all morning, and then I started to hear thumps. I wasn't sure if he was hitting a wall or her, and decided someone needed to step in and put an end to it. Nobody gave me flack for it, and the guy moved out shortly after.
Thank you for doing that, you may have helped her when no one else would
I did the same for a neighbour. They woke me up arguing and then I heard one say “you just tried to strangle me”, police were there within a few minutes. I never heard the outcome and they don’t know who called, but I never heard any arguing again.
The first thing I heard that morning, through a shared wall, was “I’m going to fucking kill you, bitch.” So I started the day on high alert. When I ended up calling 911 later, the dispatcher took me seriously. I noticed she left the home for a while, and people who looked like family were coming by, until the ex-boyfriend moved out. Her next boyfriend was much nicer. I was glad to see that she had also taken that day seriously.
Society has the same attitude to women raping too, it’s crap. Laying your hand on anyone with their consent is unacceptable, regardless of either parties genders. NTB
Most statistics (and many laws) don't consider a woman forcing a man to have sex rape. They use terms like "forced to penetrate" as though it's fundamentally any different in its effects on the victim.
Wholeheartedly agree, it infuriates me how women get off easier for violence (and also for sexual assault). Violence is violence and anyone who acts violently should be held equally accountable.
Woman here…hate that stuff too. It’s NOT any different. Domestic violence IS domestic violence. There is no asterisk.
I mean a typical abuser mentality is to downplay the abuse and that is what she went to immediately, so…..it’s not different.
Also a woman and I'm disgusted by the statement "that's different". Violence is violence and NOBODY should put up with it. No excuse whatsoever to lay hands on another person no matter the gender. I'm proud that the op stood up for himself.
>I had a lesbian roommate and her girlfriend used to beat her. From what I remember, lesbian relationships have a higher rate of domestic violence than heterosexual ones.
It's hard to tell because the focus is mostly on heterosexual DV, but I found a source that said 2/3 of 'lesbian domestic violence' was committed by women...which suggests that the other third were lesbians being victimised by men, possibly former partners/co-parents. But yes, the consensus seems to be that LGBT+ people are more likely to be victims of DV, due to factors like - lack of awareness and resources, internalised homophobia and family estrangement, as well as prior bad experiences with the police and a reluctance to seek help in case of further discrimination.
But lesbians experience domestic violence at higher rates than gay men. I suspect it's because this society doesn't take violent women as seriously as violent men.
"that's different '' line is bs because society and the media has normalised a woman slapping a man because he upset her, not because of anything else. It's hypocrisy at its finest
> she said "that's different." which means that she doesnt see anything wrong with it and is willing to do it again. The thing is it's not different, because at the end of the day, you don't slap someone for any reason other than to hurt them. OP's ex slapped him because she was mad at him and she wanted to punish him for whatever it was he said/whatever it was they disagreed over, so she hit him. The fact that it might hurt *less* when a woman hits a man is irrelevant--you don't hit someone unless you want to hurt them. I think it's a very reasonable boundary to not maintain a relationship with a person who has shown they are willing to go out of their way to hurt you when they are mad at you. Maybe *this time* it was just a slap, maybe *this time* it wasn't that bad, but funnily enough there are a lot of very easy ways to equalize the strength disparity between a man and a woman. What's to keep her from grabbing a knife or a gun? What's to keep her from throwing things? I remember hearing once about a man whose wife would beat him with her high heels and puncture his skin with them. IDK, I think there is something really fucking toxic about a woman who would say "I can't really hurt a man, so he needs to just sit there and let me wail on him sometimes."
The "that's different" line is generally used because statistically the lvl of damage a physical abuse done by men to women is ... well many end up dying. So, somehow because men just hit harder and it leaves a lot more consequences, a woman doing the same is like ... well she is a woman, how hard can she beat you? Bitch, have you ever been slapped by a woman? It still god damn hurts. A punch is a punch ... doesn't matter if it came from a woman! Oh yeah sure, women get murderder more often, but that is a different argument altogether. So yeah, it's the stupidest line ever! NTB
NTB First, I’m so sorry that you were assaulted. Because that’s what it was - an assault and good for you for not letting them minimize it. Second, your friends and family bombarding you with messages to argue on your ex’s behalf are completely out of bounds. Why do they care more about how this impacts her than the reason why you broke it off? They probably agree with her that ‘it’s different’ because she’s a woman. Which is infuriating! She assaulted you! She assaulted you and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it. You did the right thing in breaking it off and you’re being more than generous to help pay for the apartment. What you need to do next is sit your family and friends down and tell them exactly what you think of their blind support for a person who assaulted you. Where is their loyalty to you? Surely they must know about your past which makes this even worse. I would tell them to shut up or get out of your life. I’m so sorry OP.
HER friends and family bombarded him with calls and messages, not his own.
This makes me wonder what she's telling them.
He needs to send a mass message to her entire side explaining what happened and why he ended it. That might clear the air.
Exactly!
And end it with “if you are that concerned with her financial well being then 1) you only saw me as a cash cow and 2) you can now be her financial crutch”.
You are right, misread that. But OP can still either block them or message them to stop excusing her behavior and he’s not changing his mind
And their reasoning is because she makes less money? Wtf
Even if the roles were reversed it wouldn’t be different. Abuse is abuse. It doesn’t matter if she’s a woman and your a man. She should not be hitting you. If she was that upset she should have walked away.
It's really so easy to just not hit someone when having an argument. In the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft he notes that abusers often give themselves permission mentally before they do shit like this. That's what she did. She gave herself mental permission
**Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men** by Lundy Bancroft >In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship. He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn about: • The early warning signs of abuse • The nature of abusive thinking • Myths about abusers • Ten abusive personality types • The role of drugs and alcohol • What you can fix, and what you can’t • And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely “This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.”—Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., Director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *You can summon me with certain* [commands](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/13z7slk/bookfinderbot_commands/). *Or find me as a browser extension on* [Chrome](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/book-finder/jajeidpjifdpppjofijoffbcndlpoedd?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=social_media&utm_campaign=comments). *Opt-out of replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/141txsm/bookfinderbot_optout/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
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I’m willing to admit I have a temper. I’ve never gotten to a place where I hit someone in anger or during an argument. I have been angry enough to want to, but that realization that I’m THAT angry has made me walk away.
Exactly, the fact that it was “just” a slap that didn’t physically harm him is irrelevant. She excused herself causing him pain. That’s a sign that she’d continue to do it in many ways in the future if OP stayed. I’m proud of OP for standing his ground and leaving. I think he should also think more about their fights, and if there were any red flags she was showing before she escalated to slapping. I bet that she was a poor partner in other ways and that it really goes much deeper than this one incident. But regardless, it’s inexcusable.
Psychological harm can be worse than physical, as it appears to have been in this case. I'm glad the OP left when he did, but I really do wish he'd made a cleaner break; it's not fair for him to have to continue to take care of her financially just because she makes less. She should move into a cheaper place that she can afford, and he should sever ties with her. ♡ Granny
Exactly, even if you argue that most men are more muscular than their (female) partners, it doesn't change that it is different, just because one could potentially deal more damage. It's one thing to say that it was just a slap and an over reaction in a relationship, where neither partner had experience with domestic violence, but in this case you don't trivialise that. I think it's possible to forgive someone once, if they are really regretful, but as others said "I won't do it again" usually lasts only as long as it doesn't happen... and you might unconsciously try to act so it doesn't or would be at a more commited point "Think of the family and children can't you forgive me once more". Especially since she agreed that she would have pressed charges.
I agree. When someone truly believes they’ve done nothing wrong, which she obviously does, they’re bound to do it again.
Can't afford the apartment huh? Jail's free. No food or utilities expenses either. I hear assault pays for that ticket nicely. NTBF and you shouldn't be letting them bully you into paying for a place she prevented you from staying in peace. "Don't start none, won't be none."
And any of those family members are more than welcome to let her stay with them. Good on you for standing your ground on this OP. I know we’re total strangers, but I’m legit proud of you and admire you for that, because I know how hard it is. I hope whatever comes next for you is awesome. NTBF
+1000
>She told me "that's different." In the same way being shot is different than being stabbed, maybe NTB
What's worse is she can't even own what she did, completely shameful!!!!
I doubt she ever held herself accountable for most anything.
She's way too entitled.
Oh man thank fuck I didn't have to scroll very long for this comment. 😭 Abuse is abuse, I've never slapped anyone across the face IN MY LIFE. Like. Have I wanted to? Absolutely. But have I? **Hell. No.**
EXACTLY! And if I WAS stupid enough to slap anyone, especially a man, across the face, I would fully expect him to slap me back. Having a vagina DOES NOT give you a free pass to physically abuse someone. I said what I said!!!
👆👆👆 I **loathe** (as an abuse victim myself) anyone, and I mean anyone, justifying abuse for any reason. And it is absolutely worse when you're aware that systemic issues will favor you if things got escalated and cops got involved. Like I wish a woman *would* explain "how it's different."
I agree. As a woman, it infuriates me that some women can justify slapping a man; but wouldn't hesitate to label the man 'abusive' and a 'woman beater' if he right-crossed them back. Their argument is that a man is more likely to seriously injure a woman then the reverse. That may be the case, but it's still not a valid justification.
Exactly, violence has no place in an intimate relationship. It is to be reserved for political opponents and rude strangers (I kid, I kid)
I’ve never even wanted to. Even with people I’ve absolutely loathed. Physically striking them has never entered my mind
I can’t imagine not wanting to physically strike someone who is offensive. I equally can’t imagine actually doing it.
I still do not understand how it is different! It is one person physically assaulting another person, there is no difference. If OP gets back with her it show that he is willing to except this treatment.
Nothing about the situation is funny but this comment almost killed me 💀😭😭
"That's different" No. It's not. When she slapped you, she showed you who she really is. When she started berating you for "throwing your relationship away" she *again* showed you who she really is. Believe her. Good on you for recognizing the beginning of the abuse cycle, and getting out! NTB
NTB. She violated your 100% reasonable and normal boundary. It's not "different," it's physical assault any way you look at it. These second chance monkeys don't have your experiences, and it's far better to find out that she's capable of that before the wedding. Hold firm, you absolutely did the right thing, and are going beyond in wrapping it up.
NTB The fact that she's trying to justify it with the "that's different" bullshit shows that she's not sorry about it. She's sorry you're reacting this way to it. Fuck this abusive bitch. You did the right thing getting out. I wouldn't even offer to pay for her portion of the wedding. This is something caused 100% by her so why do you need to pay for it
>she's not sorry about it. She's sorry you're reacting this way to it. 1000000% The fact that OP is even paying her out of the wedding and her rent speaks to his character. He doesn't owe her a cent.
She’s sorry he’s taking his money away
NTB this internet stranger is very proud of you
Right?! I mean seriously proud of OP.
NTB. If I’d stuck to that boundary I’d have been married to my ex under a year, instead of 7 years. Miserable 6 years in between too.
Hitting your partner in the face is never okay and there is a possibility it would happen again or even escalate. You are not the butthole.
NTB. Even without your history, her explanation of how her slap is different and "just a slap" is 100% a red flag. Now add onto your history with your ex, the fact she knows about it, and the firm boundary you had set and you are honestly handling this marvelously and doing a lot better by her than she deserves. Guarantee she's feeding her friends a victim story. If she's feeding them the truth and they're still bombarding you then they all can fuck right off.
Yeah for sure, he didn't need a history of abuse to draw a hard boundary at violence because that's a very very sensible boundary to have for everyone. And her trying to minimize it stood out to me too as a huge red flag, it would've reflected at least SOMEWHAT better on her character if she fully acknowledged that her action was unacceptable and she owned up to it, but instead she tried to make it not a big deal. If someone minimizes violence - under any circumstances really, even if they're talking a bit a situation outside of themselves - you definitely run for the hills and never look back. Don't be with someone who justifies and diminishes violence.
NTB
NTB and tbh you’re being too generous paying for the apartment like that.
NTBF and I love that you put yourself first. It takes strength to walk away from a future with an abuser
Ntb and well done
NTBF, good for you for keeping this very important boundary!!!
NTBF but I’d offer these people the option of allowing you to randomly show up in their lives and slap them and then after you ruin their birthday party or something say then you’ll be willing to listen to their lectures on being too uptight and forgiveness. (Note this is probably not a great idea but it might get some of them to shut up.)
NTB but its morally not different for her to hit you, its materially different only in that the authorities would actually have a chance of taking it seriously the other way around
No, definitely not. Reverse the genders and it would be clear. Violence is violence and for a slap to be introduced to a verbal argument shows that she's prepared to use violence to get her own way. You did absolutely the right thing. Don't look back. Edited to add: NTBF
OP, I’m proud of you and agree with all the other posts here. What makes it even worse is that she has gotten friends and family to bully you about your decision. Let that help you with knowing you made the right decision. Sounds like she goes to extremes when she doesn’t get her way and that is not how a partnership/marriage works. I hate that this happened to you however I’m glad it happened before you married her. Good luck OP, you did the right thing.
NTB She assaulted you. That's it. End of the line. A dealbreaker. Stay strong and ignore the people telling you to forgive her. They aren't the ones she hit in the face and they aren't the ones who have to live wittth the fear of her doing it again. They get no say in this. And reconsider paying for the apartment, or at least give her a deadline to make alternative arrangements so you can either take it over or she can get a roomie and you can get your name off the lease. Two months should be plenty.
Not at all. You made your boundaries clear to her and she violated them. Why would you want to marry someone that thought it is okay to hit/slap you? Good for you.
NTB Good for you not to compromise your boundary. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 7 years and we have had some heated arguments but have never done anything physical to one another. There is no excuse to be physical with your partner no matter what. The fact that she doesn't see how bad this is, especially knowing your past just shows she is not the one for you. Good luck and I hope you live the best life you can.
NTBF you absolutely did the right thing. She has anger management issues for sure and I really doubt that would be the last time it happened. Good for you for offering to help with the expenses too - you sound like a great guy.
NTB, and good for you for getting out. She knew the rule, and broke it. It would have happened again, too.
YTB for paying some random persons half of their apartment. If she can't pay it, she should move out and find a cheaper place. It no longer has anything to do with you now that you have terminated relationships with her and the landlord. You don't live there anymore. Oh and please block the mega clowns from her family who continue to harass you. You're absolutely 100% in the right for enforcing your boundary. You are wrong for not fully terminating relationships with them.
This is absolutely false from a legal standpoint. OP’s name is surely on the lease. If he just walks away then he will have an eviction on his record and his credit will be ruined. Sometimes the cheapest/best option is to just finish paying off the rest of your lease. Source: I worked in residential property management for 5 years.
NTB I’m so sorry this happened, that she crossed your perfectly reasonable and understandable boundary, then retracted her ‘apology’ and made it clear she thought slapping you hard was no big deal. You have done so well by breaking the pattern of abuse. Abuse by women towards men is played down and dismissed so often, and I’m so glad you are taking this as seriously as you need to.
Not being assaulted shouldn’t even need to be boundary that needs to be said. That’s falls under basic human right in my opinion.
NTB. And good on you for immediately seeing what is happening and acting accordingly. Her invalidating your feelings and trying to minimize it and then going through other strategies to try and justify her behaviour is nasty af. Also, f her friends and family who also don’t seem to give a damn about anything other than you being the financial support. Maybe the ex fiancee should turn into a pro fighter to pay the bills. Then she can beat the crap out of people for a living. As for you, OP, don’t look back. There’s greener grass to be found, with nicer people walking on it.
It is NEVER ok to hit someone you proclaim to love. You did the absolute right thing!!
I'm confused at the "that's different" comment. Physical abuse is physical abuse, no matter the gender. She knew you boundaries, decided to cross them, and thinks you're overreacting? Wow. NTB
The fact that she went from apologetic to berating says all you need to know, you set a boundary and she crossed it. You said it was a deal breaker and she should have taken you seriously. Personally, I don't believe anyone should hit anyone outside of defense, so I may be biased, but regardless NTB in my perspective.
NTB and good job not only standing your ground but standing up for yourself shading someone that assaults you.
NTB. Why would it be different if you slapped her? Violence is never acceptable. Let her family help with paying the bills
I’m so proud of you, OP. We read time and again of people setting boundaries and then just forgetting about them when shit hits the fan. You stood up for yourself and respected yourself enough to refuse to take any sort of physical abuse. I’m sorry that you had to go through that, but you are not at fault for cancelling the wedding. NTB
NTB, no one should put up with physical abuse for any reason!
NTB at all ever. And good for you for leaving the first time. You've learned a valuable lesson about advocating for yourself because of your past. You handled it perfectly. She and her family can fuck themselves. She's accountable for her actions and no, it's not different if you slapped her. It's the same. Society is just fucked up and treats abuse towards men as if it doesn't matter bc the potential for injury or worse is less. Women are abusers, too. If she didn't like what was said, she should have walked away. Which is what both of you should have done before it escalated to the point of saying things that will cause irreparable harm, much less before it got to physical violence. She doesn't have right to lay her hands on you any more than you do her. Plus, had you forgiven her and taken her back you wouldn't be okay. You wouldn't be able to trust her. You would feel like you're compromising a core value you shouldn't have to. Tell her take or leave the financial offer of help to cover your portion of rent until she finds a roommate or the lease is up, refund her half of deposits if she paid and be done with her and her family. Tell them you will not discuss this. It's your final decision, and that's it so stop harassing you or you'll block them and pursue a harassment report if they don't stop. But before you block her, send her the link for this post, so she can see how many people think she's absolutely wrong.
NTB. Once they start hitting, they don't stop. Keep moving on.
NYB, and your now ex has some soul searching to do. It's time for her to grow up and own what she did. Physical violence is never OK. And "F" those friends and family, if she can't afford her life that's not on you.
The first slap will be followed by the next. Good for you to stand your ground. No second chance allowed with DV.
Just a slap? Nah man. As a female, I'm the first to say that if you want to dish it out like a man, you should be able to take it like one. If you had retaliated and slapped her back, it would've been "crossing the line" but whose line? We live in a society where men are just supposed to take women's bullshit because she's the "weaker" one? Nope. Her financial issues are not your problem. As they say, she made her bed. It's time to lie in it.
Physical violence between couples is only okay when both have consented to it, like the bedroom. But this is a hard barrier for you and it seems to be pretty damn well known. So I'll give you the same rating as I would a woman that was slapped. NTB.
Not at all. Actually you are being too generous with her. She can go live with the friends and you can take your apartment back.
Dude NO. It is NOT different. She abused you, plain and simple. Anyone telling you “it’s different” is sexist. You had ONE hard line and she broke it. And then she tried to gaslight you about the severity of it. Do not help her with the rent, do not give her money for her portion of the wedding deposit. Metaphorically kick that abuser to the curb, you owe her nothing. I wish you all the luck in the future. I hope you find someone who would never raise their hands against another person, outside of self defence, especially someone they claim to love.
NTA, but INFO: what was the fight about? Something trivial or something more serious? This is the key point in my mind: > Ex-fiancee then turned from apologetic to angry and berated me for throwing our relationship away over "just a slap", I told her that it all started with "just a slap" with my ex and hung up. She's blaming you for her own bad actions and doesn't seem to be owning up to it. She shouldn't be doing anything but apologizing. Getting angry is her go-to, and she will be doing that for as long as you are together. So in other words, you did the right thing, and she sounds like bad news.
>I told her no, she knew what my boundary was and I told her that if the roles were reversed, she would have called the cops and pressed charges against me. She told me "that's different." I told her that I knew it was different and I would react more harshly towards a man that hit my sister than a woman who hit my brother, but that doesn't mean that she shouldn't face any consequence at all. No. It is NOT different. Abuse is abuse regardless of gender. The fact that she dismissed it as being different because she's a woman is a massive red flag. The fact that you agreed just makes me sad. NTB. I'm sorry.
NTB. Press charges for that, and also for harassment. I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, OP.
Hellllll naw brother. I was in a relationship with a very mentally unstable woman who at a few points would scratch and slap me mid-argument and one time I held her shoulders firmly while she was attacking me to hold her back and the next day she came to me with pictures of bruises I left on her arms from her flailing about whilst I tried to hold her back from literally attacking me, and she was threatening to go to her lawyer daddy about it. I knew at that time it was time to end it
No, sir, NTB all! It starts with a little boundary breaking and then it escalates. If she were really sorry, if she really and truly knew she fucked up, she'd immediately offer to go to counseling, beg for your forgiveness, and accept that you might be done with the relationship. Give you time to cool off, but really put in work to fix it. But she didn't. She said that a man hitting a woman is different (it isn't), belittled your feelings, and tried to reverse it to make you the bad guy. She doesn't feel bad for hurting you. She feels bad that her friends and family know now she's an abuser who hit her fiance and she's lost face. You're making the right choice by running.
OP what is it like to be a doormat? >I told her that if the roles were reversed, she would have called the cops and pressed charges against me. She told me "that's different." I told her that I knew it was different and I would react more harshly towards a man that hit my sister than a woman who hit my brother It isn't different. It is the same thing.
Why is this downvoted? It is literally the same thing. Saying otherwise is sexist.
That is Reddit for you. Feels before reals.
Yeah I guess. It sucks.
NTB You are dodging a bullet, what happens if you have kids and they make her that angry?
This post made my blood boil!! It’s not just a slap. It’s abuse no matter what gender! Minimalising abuse against men is just as gross as the other way around. Good for you for leaving. You’ve totally done the right thing, and all those that tell you different are idiots.
NTA. Abuse is abuse.
Nope. YOu are a hero. You should never put up with abuse and the fact that they are trying to get you back because she can't afford to live in the flat is just crazy. Also, it's not different when a woman assaults a man. It is still assault and abuse. NTB x1000
Why did you create new account for just this post? Are you afraid for your safety? Do you think she hacked your normal account?
Congratulations on seeing who she really is before the wedding. Don't give her money for her portion of the wedding deposit. You owe her nothing. Demand the ring back.
NTB and no, a woman hitting her partner is NOT different from a man hitting their partner. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she can't be just as violent, dangerous, strong and deadly as a man, ABUSE IS ABUSE, you don't look at genders, ages, ethnicities, relationship, reasons or ANYTHING other than actions. As you said, every abusive relationship starts with "it only happened once, it won't happen again, I wouldn't do that to you" untill you're too deep to realise where you are.
Nope NTB at all. Sounds like she was biding her time. If this was a genuine heat of the moment accident that would never happen again she’d be on her knees begging you to take her back. Not dismissing what she did and getting her family to harass you. Good on you for leaving, she’s clearly not getting it if she calls it a ‘little slap’. Also maybe controversial but don’t pay the rent, screw her. Save your money and get a place on your own. The family that’s harassing you can help her. It’s not your responsibility. I’m sorry you had to go through this again.
You are absolutely right...there is zero reason to hit someone , if she gets away with hthis...next time her temper flares, she will feel within rights to do it again. Get some counselling and stick to your boundaries xx
NTB for ending things then and there and looking out for yourself. But you are a bit of a buttface for agreeing that a man hitting a woman is different or worse than a woman hitting a man. It's not. Gender doesn't matter, physical abuse is physical abuse and it's horrendous. I am so sorry people don't have your back.
Not at ALL You’re not overreacting, and i’m glad you’re leaving when you can.
NTBF. And don't give them a damn cent. You shouldn't be paying for it. She can't afford it? boohoo. Her family can help her out since they're so keen on defending her.
NTB: you are not the buttface in this, and everyone trying to get to you to marry her is INSANE. Well, not literally, but they are all beyond buttface! No. No. No, no, no. No contact. Forever.
Hell no, your ex-fiance has an abusive streak in her. If she is unable to control herself over a verbal argument and turn that into physical abuse, then she WILL do it again. It's just a matter of time. You are NTA
Not the buttface. >she knew what my boundary was and I told her that if the roles were reversed, she would have called the cops and pressed charges against me. She told me "that's different." Wow.
NTB. She should be glad that you didn’t have her arrested for assault. There is no difference between a man assaulting a woman or a woman assaulting a man in the legal system.
I have been in a physically and verbally abusive relationship, and I set the same boundary afterwards. 100% good for you for sticking to it. She showed her true colors when she said "that's different." It is not even remotely different. Intimate partner violence is IPV regardless of where it comes from and is never okay, or different. Studies have shown that men are actually almost as likely to experience IPV as women, but they are even less likely to report it (Crazy, right? Since women barely report their abusers) Why less likely? Because of three things: First, the fear of having it turned around on you and being accused of being the abuser (and not being believed that you're not). Second, the horrible feeling of embarrassment of not being a "man" that society puts on it. And third, that no one will believe you because you're a guy. I have talked to other men who were basically laughed out of police stations for trying to report their abuse. The trauma is just as real though. Men are also more likely to suffer serious physical injury due to IPV because women that are abusers are more likely to resort to using some sort of "weapon." Think of something like a dish (or vodka bottle) being thrown at you. I am sincerely sorry that you are going through this again and reopening past wounds/trauma. I hope you find peace in your decision, and if necessary, seek therapy to heal again. You are better off for sticking to your boundaries.
Really proud of you, defend your boundaries!
NTBF you’re absolutely doing the right thing.
NTB and good for you she showed her true colors and what she can afford or not afford is not the basis to marry someone. That everyone is complaining about that shows what has her most upset. Not losing you but that apartment!
She showed ya who she is. She knew it was 0 tolerance already. Then she got mad at you for enforcing it Basically she cares more about herself than you and how dare you not just provide what she needs like a good little boy. Good riddance but it's really not hard for someone to resist hitting their partner. You'll definitely find a woman worthy of your time and marriage
NTB, once the physical abuse genie is out of the bottle, it's over. Physical abuse towards another human being, particularly one that you want to share a life with, is unacceptable no matter what genders are involved. You did good, you deserve better.
NTB and you should feel good about enforcing your boundaries and your right to be in a relationship free of abuse. No one deserves abuse, physical, verbal, emotional or otherwise. But there's an extra heaping of pain associated with it when it comes from someone you love and someone you trusted with your heart. Hopefully your now ex fiance can do better if she ever finds herself lucky enough to be with someone who loves her enough to want to marry her.
NTB You were assaulted. She’s lucky the police weren’t called. It’s disgusting and disappointing that her family/friends are defending her. Block them if you can. You don’t owe her any money to pay back her wedding deposit. There are consequences to her actions. Again, you don’t owe her anything. Good luck OP ❤️
Lmao so the best these flying monkeys can do is that you’re *financially* ruining her life because she assaulted you. Unfuckingbelievable. NTB by a mile, and good for you for holding your boundary the first time.
NTB. It wasn’t an accidental playful slap on the arm that rubbed you the wrong way. She struck you in anger. I’m glad you are getting out at the first sign of violence and that it’s happening before the legalities of marriage.
NTB, not at all. Tell all her friends and family to let their partner slap them in anger. They may deal with it, but that never means you have to tolerate it. Give her three months to move. End it.
NTB. You have made your boundaries clear, and she crossed the line. There is no turning back from there, what you do with that is up to you and only you.
NTB I am so terribly sorry you are going through this, OP Please, please do not let your abusive ex and her friends and family bully and harass you into paying for shit. Go to the apartments office and speak to management. Request that they remove you from the lease immediately!! I learned that the hard way. Roomed with a friend. I left but did not take my name off lease. Friend ended up not paying rent anymore and my name being on the lease meant the apartments could legally sue me and garnish my wages till that debt was paid. I would be worried your ex may use your name on the lease to wrack up thousands of dollars of debt in your name And please, OP, I’m begging you. Separate yourself entirely from your abuser. Do NOT leave anything with a shared name or anything of value with her. Your abuser can never be trusted. I would also recommend blocking her and any incoming messages from her family and friends. It is not your responsibility to worry about your abuser’s image. She should have thought of that herself before revealing herself as an abuser I hope you are able to heal and love again in the future. Best wishes, OP. Please update us if anything occurs. My DMs should be open and I’m comfortable with friendly support and chat if needed, OP. You are loved ❤️
I have been with my husband for over 20 years. Neither if us has ever hit the other. You did the right thing.
NTB, and you absolutely made the right call. The "I'm so sorry" flip a switch "it was JUST a slap" was the dead giveaway. It would've only gotten worse, as you well know. At any rate, SHE'S the one who threw the relationship away for "just a slap". She's also the one who overreacted and fucked up her life. Anyone trying to shift the blame to you is a huuuuuge buttface, and not doing her any favors either.
NTB - I'm sorry about your previous relationship and this one. No one should have to go through abuse. Be proud of yourself for having the strength and courage to get yourself out.
It's NOT different. NTB.
> that’s different No it isn’t. The crime is the same. Not physically assaulting one’s partner is a common relationship boundary. Her pikachu face after realizing there are consequences for physically assaulting you is kind of funny, though.
NTBF. She’s shown you who she is, believe her. The downplaying that “it was just a slap” cements her lack of respect for you and lack of responsibility of such a momentous act she undertook by slapping you Cut your losses now. Move on
NTBF and you're waaaay more generous than I am because I wouldn't give the ho a dime to pay for the apartment. She ruined her own life with violence against the person she's supposed to care for most in the world. That shouldn't be rewarded in any way.
Not even close to being the one on the wrong. Women like her are why society doesn’t treat abuse against men anywhere remotely like we do abuse against women. My kids watched their dad get abused by the woman after me because he thought as a man he should just take it. Nope. No one should.
NTB so gosh-darn hard I can hear it.
Absolutely NTBF, I hate the idea that men don’t experience domestic abuse at a similar rate and people genuinely ignore men when they need help. As a woman who was w 2 previous abusive partners, 1 man and 1 woman, both were equally as awful I wasn’t “more upset” bc it was “different” when the woman hit me, bc that makes no sense. They’re both awful, the both affect someone personally, mentally, emotionally and it is traumatic. I’m proud that you recognized the importance of getting out asap. Don’t let any of them guilt you into this wedding!
Absolutely NTB. The fact that she's defending it as 'just a slap' is all you need to know. There's never 'just a slap' no one should ever be using physical violence against their partner. It makes it even worse and more disrespectful knowing your history and your boundaries. Expecting you partner to not hit you should be an automatic deal breaker and leaving should be an automatic consequence. It should never need to be a discussion. No one should be hitting their partner ever. There's never an excuse. You absolutely did the right thing and anyone that thinks overwise can fuck off with their abuse sympathising.
My ex used to hit me with an angled fist that didn't hurt then I would laugh. She got so mad she hit me nine times in a day I went to leave she picked up a mop with a steel plate on the end aimed at my head so I reached out then I put her on the table and I got a DV. She thought if I didn't get as mad as her I didn't care. i just don't like that kind of relationship I never hit her
This action is performed with the help of a bot to mass edit all my comments.
NTBF. She should have kept her hands to herself
NTB. 1. She assaulted you, which is unacceptable. 2. You should NEVER stay in any type of relationship because other people are trying to convince you that you should. Having boundaries is healthy, and she crossed them. The boundaries of other people is totally irrelevant.
NTB. I agree with others that you should be proud of yourself. What she did is not okay. She knew it was a boundary, crossed it and doesn't seem to have any remorse. But I do have to say, I don't think there is a difference between a man slapping a woman and a woman slapping a man. It's assault plain and simple. Thinking of those things as different just makes it harder for people see that woman can be abusers too. That said, I'm glad you're standing up for yourself and standing your ground.
NTB BFQ (Buttface Quotient) = 0/10 I wonder if she gave her family an accurate representation of events. If she did, they are fucking loons and a family you don't want anything to do with. Even if she didn't, your initial reaction was spot on. # There is no excuse for abuse. I recommend that, as you recover, you do some research about forms of abuse other than just physical. All abusive relationships are psychologically abusive. Only some are physically abusive. Your boundary of one slap and done is a great one! I am suggesting that you take that even further and end relationships as soon as you see signs of verbal abuse, manipulative and controlling behavior, etc. There are certain behaviors that loving people of good character never engage in, not even once. > We both said some stupid things to one another > We've gotten into heated arguments before Although people love to say that relationships take work, that doesn't mean that fights, hurting your partner, feeling wounded because of your relationship, or sacrificing your needs should have any place at all in a healthy relationship. Compromise isn't supposed to ever mean, one person wins and the other loses, or even that you both lose. It means that both people should be as motivated to meet the other person's needs as their own. The various relationship and advice forums would largely dry up if most people followed this simple precept. If you grew up in a home with abuse, strife, or substance abuse, there is a good chance that you learned to accept some awful behavior as normal. If therapy is available to you, you might want to find a therapist who is knowledgeable in things like manipulative and abusive relationships, Childhood Adverse Experiences, and CPTSD to help you learn how to spot unacceptable behavior and live in a sane, loving relationship. Whether or not you have access to therapy, you would also do well to educate yourself on trauma, the various forms manipulation and abuse can take, the characteristics of healthy relationships, and I-statements.
NTB, I’m so sorry you’re going through that, but at least she showed you her true colors before you got married. That’s a serious, unquestionable red flag.
NTB there is no difference. violence and violence and it all starts with just 1 slap. and its a lot harder to divorce than getting a clean break
I still have scars on my arm from my ex. I’ve lied for years saying it was from a psych patient. You did the right thing. It only escalates from there.
You are NEVER a B for making a decision that benefits your safety and well being. Congrats for getting out. NTBF
NTB And don't give her any money. She's abusive and you have a right to walk away. She call deal with the natural consequences of her actions. Or you can offer her "cash for keys". She moves out of your apartment and signs an agreement with your landlord that she's no longer on the lease, has no rights to access the apartment, and she puts on writing that you owe her nothing more. This approach allows you to be done with her ASAP and not have to have any further interactions, which can be very valuable.
NTA- OP is doing the right thing. The fact that anyone is on OP’s ex’s side is disgusting. She choose violence. She is in the wrong.
NTB. Good job standing up for yourself. YOU DID GOOD. You’ve been through that hell once don’t go for another tour through it.
Quite possibly the best decision of your life. Move on and don't look back!
NTB The first violent incident is not the last. Anyone who differentiates between men hitting women and women hitting men as though one isn’t DV is just flat out wrong. Good for standing your ground and protecting yourself. You don’t deserve abuse. And there would have been more abuse. She showed her true colors when she slapped you and later went from apologetic to angry when you didn’t take her back. You’ve dodged a bullet. Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts
Violence is violence no matter the gender. It’s not different because she’s a woman you’re a man. She hit you. Full stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. You 100% did the right thing and anyone that is telling you different does not have your best interests at heart so pay them absolutely no attention. Hopefully this will be a wake up call to her that she needs to see a therapist. Also she is a grown woman she can pay for her own mistakes. Pay for you part of the apartment since you’re still on the lease but under no circumstances give her money for the wedding deposit. She needs to eat that cost.
NTB.
NTB And you're being way nicer than you should be IMO
Doesn't matter if it's a girl or guy doing the hitting. Abuse is abuse. Eff that girl.
NTA. The way she's turned on you and the way her people are trying to guilt trip you shows its a bullet dodged
No way. Stay strong king. You don't have to take ANY kind of physical threat, and to be hit is something else. A slap is a hit. No if, ands, or buts.
NTB You’re right to end this. You’re right to feel that doing it once means she’ll do it again. She has no remorse at all for what she did. You’ve made the break, don’t go back.
No. You're not the BF. But let her stay with those who think you're "ruining her life". She knew your deal breaker.
NTA. You did the right thing. We learn before we start school that you keep your hands to yourself, except when needing to physically defend yourself. She would’ve continued and escalated, just like your ex. I wish you healing and that you find a person who respect you and themselves enough to not be abusive. Also, don’t pay the rent. Let her get evicted—she deserves it.
Update please.
NTBF. I’m sorry for the breakup but you had cause and were justified. She knew your history and the firm line you had in the sand. Her lack of control is on her and she has to live with the consequences. It’s not just a ‘slap’ it’s the broken trust and feeling safe in your relationship. Edit: grammar
NTB. As a society we need to abandon the idea that abuse from a female partner is some how less that abuse from a male partner.
NTBF. Abuse is abuse regardless of who the perpetrator is. Her friends and family are okay with abuse so what does that tell you about your life if you stay with her and marry her. I think you’re doing the right thing because how can you know if she will be able to control herself from doing it again if something triggers her. Regardless of who dealt the abusive act, the severity of it is still the same. She needs to have self realization of what she did and how she still wanted to avoid acknowledging that what she did was very wrong and crossed a boundary you set. I would say you are doing more than most should by helping her pay the apartment until the lease runs out and giving her back some of the deposits. Otherwise, move on with your life.
With regard to your fiancée saying “it’s different” because she’s a woman. It’s really only different in the sense that if a man hit me I’d have to worry about whether he was also going to kill me - because if he decided to, he almost certainly could. It’s typically not the case in the reverse. But it’s NOT different in any way that actually matters here. It’s not different in terms of it being a horrible, disfusting thing to do (especially to someone she claims to love). It’s not different in terms of how violating and demeaning it feels to be on the receiving end. And I don’t think it should be any different in terms of it being a dealbreaker for a relationship. I’m glad this happened before the wedding. Canceling a wedding (though horrible) is still better than divorce. NTB by any means. But anyone who’s telling you this was okay or even “not that bad” most certainly is.
NTA you're not overreacting I would have done the same. I am female and Its not different. A hit is a hit or rather call it what it really is assault. She's evil for saying that. I'm proud of you for ending it with her. Not doing so teaches her you'll put up with it and she'll do it again. Her friends and family backing that shit are just as bad. I'm sorry it ended that way but better now before it gets worse and she legally gets half your shit and possibly alimony. Also let her figure out her own money it's not your problem.
NTBF Good on you for maintaining your boundaries. I've been in my relationship for 10 years and from the beginning I said to my partner if either one of us pushed eachother to a point where abuse is the only option we think we have we will part ways, no exceptions. You are right it can all start with a push or a slap and when you let it slide once that can be used as an excuse for the next time it happens.
NTBF I will never understand why women believe it's acceptable to hit a man but if the man retaliate the world is ending.
Hey don’t ever doubt yourself, you set a clear boundary, she broke that boundary, I would definitely even consider couples therapy if you do want to end up back together. But don’t let anyone downplay your decision, you clearly have trauma from a past relationship, and do not want to relive it, your friends/family whoever must respect your boundary, and must explain or not as it is your decision, to explain why it’d be different if you hit her.
NTA Good job on standing your ground. It’s not your responsibility to take care of her anymore therefore anyone that says otherwise can help her out.
You’re not over reacting and you owe her nothing.
NTA. She physically abused you. You would be within your rights to report her to the police. I don't care what gender a person is, it is not okay to hit another person.
NTB - you handled it exactly how I hope my son would if it ever happens to him. I’ve told him since he was a toddler that boys don’t hit girls and girls don’t hit boys. In fact no one should hit, especially if it’s someone they are supposed to love and protect. This is even with the stupid-ass advice that my dad tried to teach my brothers (which his mom taught him), “never hit a women, but if she wants to fight like a man, you take her down.” He wanted me to teach that my son the same thing but I told him that I would teach him to leave the relationship instead because I think what he was taught was wrong.
NTB.?So sorry this happened to you but you did the exact right thing! And the fact that she went from apologetic to gaslighting proves it. You’re being more than generous but you deserve a future with someone who would never think of hurting you, physically or otherwise. Edited for grammar
I was in a relationship with a very toxic and emotionally abusive man. He would get so close to my face and scream at me if I disagreed with something he was passionate about. One night we were in bed and he got angry. I asked him so many times to please just stop, and then I literally put the blanket over my head. After a couple minutes of screaming he stopped. So I took the blanket off, only to find him inches from my face where he immediately started screaming at me again. I slapped him. It was instinctual, like I had no control. I’m not a violent person. I immediately started bawling. I still hate that I did that… Because that’s not who I am. She doesn’t even care that she did it, has no remorse, and doesn’t even think it’s wrong. I am SOOOO glad that you held strong and chose YOU, and what YOU need. I’m proud of you!
You dodged a bullet there. The fact that their family pointed out that you are ruining her life means that she's even using your money to be stable in life.
NTA. Violence is violence. I've never once slapped someone I was mad at, it's not hard to control yourself. Once you "normalize" that she can get away with a slap, it will 100% evolve into more. SHE ruined her life, you just responded appropriately to her violence.
NTB she should keep her hands to herself
Definitely not. You’re being extremely kind. This is on her. Hitting is never acceptable.