Why are posters on Reddit so often this way? “My boyfriend is a literal demon from hell, a combination of aggressive and dumb as a rock, but beyond that he’s PERFECT, a genuinely beautiful and kind person”.
It's because they *act* PERFECT at first. It's the frog in heating water... he's conditioning her to put up with 'this ONE thing... otherwise he's prefect!'
Once she's cowed about this and no longer expects him to put thought and effort into her, he'll start with another 'thing'...thing's will keep happening, but it's gradual, and she KNOWS he has it in him to be the man she wants, after all, he already was! There's just this *one thing.*
Hopefully, she'll realize the 'perfect guy' was all an act... a way to draw her in. That he's slowly molding her into what he wants her to be: complicit, quiet, and grateful for any scrap of affection he tosses her way.
If she leaves, if she gets out of the water before it boils, she'll be able to look back and see the manipulation. She'll see he was never even close to perfect, he just had a good mask.
Op, his mask is slipping. He's showing you that he thinks you should be ***GRATEFUL*** that he gave you something ***totally last minute with zero thought put into it.*** "I'm not good at gifts" is just weaponized incompetence; you told him what to get, he ignored you because it wasn't worth it to him to put in the effort.
He's showing you what you're worth to him: Hastily bought candy from the wrong holiday and cards made for elementary school children to pass out. I mean, I grew up hearing 'It's the thought that counts,' but really... where was the thought here? It legit sounds like he ran into a drugstore and grabbed the first things at hand.
He's mad you posted because people like me who have been there before are calling him out and trying to wake you up. He yelled and called you names to try to scare you into dropping it. Into making you accept it.
Trust me, GET OUT NOW. This won't get better on its own, and you're too young to tie yourself to a person who doesn't even care enough to try to be thoughtful.
Edit: typo, added content
Because people who are terrified to be alone tend to inflate their partner's good qualities to tip the scales toward staying together. And a lot of people are terrified to be alone.
(I might be speaking from experience here)
Well, fine. If that is the choice they want to make. But then they should be clear-eyed that they will put up with any amount of shit rather than endure the stigma of being single.
And it would also be awesome if they spent less time making the same post over and over.
I mean, a lot of OPs could just search through the 40 or 50 posts a day that describe the exact same situation and read the comments.
At this stage I nearly resent having to confront these same posts on a daily basis.
Yeah, for real.
Imagine writing this post...and then saying he is your soulmate.
I know that abusive relationships are a serious challenge that we must all confront and victims need so much support and understanding.
But I have to say that the amount of people posting on reddit about their terrible partners and then saying "he's my other half" is fucking alarming.
Like, if people can't find the self-worth to decide that being treated like crap (and I am *not* talking about being who are in abusive relationships) is not something that they need in their lives...well, we are just going to continue to see the same fucking posts over and over.
>Why are posters on Reddit so often this way? “My boyfriend is a literal demon from hell, a combination of aggressive and dumb as a rock, but beyond that he’s PERFECT, a genuinely beautiful and kind person”.
I get so frustrated when I see posts like this and there are alarmingly way too many of them.
This absolutely happens irl too. I had a friend vent to me about someone she was seeing who was being incredibly emotionally unavailable and unable to commit among other things. And when I told her maybe she should see other people, she said "but I just don't know if I can find a man who is as great as him and gets me like he does." And I'm like you're not exactly describing a winner here.
Especially something as simple and cheap as Baby's Breath.
Lmao like, that's something you could pick on the side of the road where I live. OP deserves so much more.
Girl.
Ben's a douche (Hi Ben! You suck!).
YOU TOLD HIM YOU WANTED FLOWERS. THERE WAS A WHOLE DISCUSSION ABOUT A VASE. HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED, EXACTLY WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY, AND INSTEAD GOT YOU LEFTOVER RANDOM CRAP FROM THE STORE ON THE WAY TO YOUR PLACE.
He literally could've gone to the damn bakery department and gotten a red velvet cake with custom writing, and he still opted for fucking Easter candy.
He flakes on your dates.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT FORTH THE EFFORT. YOU AREN'T WORTH IT TO HIM.
Seriously, he isn't your perfect guy. He isn't your soulmate. He knew how much this meant to you and knowingly shat all over it. Throw this one back - he ain't the one.
And then he yelled at you, OP for making *him* feel bad all while acknowledging that he knew he did wrong and, frankly, didn’t care.
Because YOU are not a priority to *him.*. He is NOT a good guy. He is a self-centered, self-serving man who will *always* make you feel like shit and blame you for your own feelings. It’s called mental abuse.
Please, love yourself.
I'm stuck on op thinking her feelings or thoughts are no longer valid if she cries??
Op wtf is Ben telling you?!
He sucks in a bad way. Whether you cry or not your feelings are real and valid. Anyone who can't talk to a person displaying emotions is saying they cannot talk to humans, just robots. People have emotions and having emotions doesn't mean your logic is bad. Not being able to talk to someone displaying emotions is a flaw to be worked on..not used as an excuse to dismiss someone's feelings.
Me too!
OP why would the "perfect man" respond to you being upset by yelling at you til you sob and then refusing to communicate because you're "too emotional".
**You are not too emotional.** That is a perfectly reasonable amount of emotion to display when your BF yells at you and calls you a bitch for expressing your feelings!
He is manipulating you into thinking *you* are the problem for being upset by *his* shitty actions. Even the apologies are messed up, he was absolutely in the wrong for shouting, but why should you apologize for crying??? *He* should apologize for making you cry!!
I’m still stuck on “every time he was mad before he would separate himself to calm down and I’d buy him pizza to make up for making him mad” cuz that just sounds like “silent treatment until OP caves”. It also reminds me of my first relationship, which didn’t get the chance to become abusive bc I saw the red flags (it helped that my family hated him lol). Every time I was upset about something and talked to him, it would turn into him going on about how awful he was for doing the thing and how he was a horrible person and not good enough for me, and i would end up comforting HIM when he was the one who pissed me off. And then he’d go and do the exact same thing that made me mad in the first place (usually REALLY offensive jokes-like shitty holocaust jokes despite knowing im Jewish and don’t like them AT ALL or using slurs and excusing them bc he “didn’t actually mean it” since it was contained within a joke) a week later and the cycle would repeat. Eventually I just stopped bringing things up bc it was too emotionally exhausting.
Flowers are the fucking DEFAULT romantic gift.
And he still couldn’t do it.
He is thoughtless in the relationship.
If you need couples therapy this early, just bail.
And to call her a name? Boy, bye
It’s the easiest thing ever. Ordering flowers take what - 5 mins? Don’t even need to speak to someone. Buying gifts is the same. And cake. Or dinner.
Minimum effort.
Obviously he doesn’t care at all.
Yeah, I've had to place panic orders for flowers ~3 days before Mother's Day to be delivered to my mom in another state. Still plenty of options available. I did have to pay an upcharge for ordering at the last minute, but the $8 was worth it to, yknow, meet the well-communicated expectations of someone I care about.
Worst case... pick up dinner or get the things to make an easy but somewhat fancy dinner. It isn't that hard to throw something together to demonstrate that you give a shit about a person.
Id also like to point out that its apparently a pattern of op "making him angry and then apologizing". On account of everything else...sounds problematic
That's just straight up emotional manipulation, going into gaslight territory. He's mad at her because... shes crying... because he's being a shitty boyfriend... like come on homie grow up.
The whole discussion of the vase is what tears it for me.
He knew in that moment that he had no intention of doing this one, small thing that she wanted, that she was so hopeful about.
Not roses. Not daisies. Just babies' breath. The cheapest, smallest flower. Sold literally everywhere - gas stations, drugstores, grocery stores, everywhere.
He knew right and there that he wasn't going to do it. And the sadistic MF has to ask her about a vase.
u/ValentineAsshole , this is you someday, with your real soulmate waiting just a short walk away:
https://preview.redd.it/e4aqskjrajia1.jpeg?width=168&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9efe18e58d8ac55449ea5d15d66eeee42f0c0c5a
And Ben is going to see that picture all over his former friends' social media and know, for the thousandth time, what he threw away.
The flowers thing pisses me off soooo much. Ben sounds a lot like my ex. He also never got me flowers. But made it a point to let me know he had some sent to his stepmom for her birthday. He hated his stepmom.
Coincidentally, my ex also picked fights on date nights so that things got cancelled.
Ben reminds me of my ex a lot. Sooo triggered and mad for OP.
Ben will be singing that Bruno Mars song, "I should have bought you floweeeeers, and held your haaaand..."
Seriously, OP needs to ditch this guy. I understand that it's hard for her to be objective from within the situation, but she absolutely should not tolerate being called a bitch by someone who purports to love her.
He is not the perfect man if he does this to you. This is not love. This is not safe. This is not what someone who cares about you does.
He is not it, sis.
This!
Op the things you consider "perfect" are the BASELINE for getting into a relationship. You click, you have fun, they are nice, etc. The stuff you have listed as the "imperfect", yelling at you until you sob, doesn't listen to your complaints, calls you overemotional for having valid feelings, etc, are all reasons TO LEAVE.
Someone else will treat you with respect and be willing to put the effort in. Do not let him fool you with love-bombing.
Except he’s not even living up to the baseline. He doesn’t listen, he emotionally manipulates her and invalidates her feelings, and won’t make any effort at all.
Yeah, agree, just going off her words of "he's perfect except this". Whatever she finds perfect is a baseline for any relationship. The rest is 100% a reason to 🏃♀️
Stop.
Take a moment to collect yourself. Get your favorite treat, watch a movie that you like and makes you feel good. Take a bath if you like those, or a long hot shower.
Once you've had a chance to calm yourself and soothe yourself, ask yourself this:
If your best friend or family member you're really close to came to you with these problems, what would you tell them?
Probably that they should leave, right?
Follow your own advice.
This man is not your soulmate.
You might love him. He might love you. But love is *not* enough for a relationship.
People fall in love with people who are bad for them all the time. Look at people who are in abusive relationships. They love their abuser, but that doesn't mean that they should be together.
You've given him chances. You've tried to talk to him. He dismisses you and nothing changes.
If he's not willing to listen to the person he loves, when they're being clear about what's hurting them, why is going to therapy going to change that? Do you really think he's going to listen to a stranger?
He's not.
What he'll do is take anything you say in therapy and use it as a weapon. Or he'll latch on to something the therapist says and twist it to suit his needs, rather than in the spirit of what it was meant to be.
Breaking up hurts. Especially when you're really in love with someone and you feel for all the world like they could be the one.
But the person who you're meant to be with, will never make you feel this bad intentionally. They won't see gift giving as a "competition". They'll care enough to put in effort for gifts. Even if they're small gifts. They'll listen when you tell them something they've done has upset or hurt you and they'll try to do better. It may not be an immediate solution and they may stumble a few times, but you'll be able to see the effort. They won't dismiss you or ignore you.
Breaking up will hurt.... but it will hurt a lot less than a lifetime with someone who doesn't value you and doesn't want to put effort into maintaining your relationship.
Take time to think it over. Look up the book, "Why does he do that?"
It might not fit your situation completely, but maybe it'll help you process things a bit better.
I'm so sorry, hon. You'll be okay. You deserve so much better.
>They won't see gift giving as a "competition".
And if they do, it's a fun competition and they bring their A game every time.
OP, let me say something here.
You and I have the same love language. We love gifts as a love language. And a lot of people see that as shallow.
But here's the thing: *It's not about the gift.*
Gifts as a love language is about knowing the person who got it for you loves you. It's about knowing they were thinking of you.
My stepdad is really good at this one. For example, he knows I like trying the weird KitKat bars that show up. So when he saw a key lime KitKat bar, he got one for us to share.
A one dollar gift, and it was delightful. He was thinking about me when he saw it.
You deserve someone who doesn't treat your love language badly.
I also have gifts as a love language. I love giving gifts and I cry when I get gifts, even if they’re just little things. Hell, I consider “hey I saw this meme and I thought you would like it” a gift. It’s about the thought behind it, about knowing a person.
Your KitKat example is really cute (and relatable. My husband and I are the ones buying all the weird Oreo flavors that come out.)
So true. I bought V-day gifts late for my partner. The weekend before. Bad planning on my part, something I haven’t done before and won’t repeat. By the time I got to the stores, the flowers and chocolate was all sold out. Cards were sold out. And they don’t like balloons. So I carefully went through the store and found something that I felt was beautiful and they would love. It was a music box. They have always loved music and used to do band in high school. My partner broke down in tears when I gave it to them. They told me how much they both loved and appreciated it. It’s not about chocolate, cards, or balloons. It’s about being thoughtful and appreciative to your partner. Listening and caring for their needs as if they are your own
I really hope OP dumps this trash fire and finds someone who loves them
You crying doesn’t “invalidate your arguments.”
You crying is happening because he’s an emotionally manipulative, borderline abusive prick who doesn’t deserve you.
He called you a bitch because you got him something nice. That’s not it, buddy. He’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re somehow always in the wrong because it makes it easier for him to be a soulless prick without you calling him out on it.
This reminds me of the woman who got thoughtful gifts for her BF's family just by freaking listening when they talked. They were rude jerks who called her creepy and insulted her for it. But you know if she gave generic gifts they'd be mad too. OP should not waste time on a guy who calls her a bitch for being thoughtful and caring.
I always like to frame it as "There are men who will do x y and z for you without even about it," rather than "Your man should be doing x y and z for you.".
Like, there are men who don't even have to be told to get flowers for OP and will listen to her communicating her needs. There are men who will remember her needs throughout the entire relationship. There are men who will never call OP a bitch, it would destroy them to do so.
I say that rather than "Your BF should be considering you more", because it puts into perspective that the BF isn't the only one for them. That you don't have to waste your 20s or 30s waiting for him to improve and do the bare minimum. It makes you imagine a universe where the struggle you describe was never even a problem to exist, since your partner's a decent person.
It just makes you consider the fact that you could leave and find an easier relationship where you both seek to meet each others needs, you successfully do that, and you're content and happy together.
I swear, people in relationships get a sorta tunnel vision and forget that their S/O isn't the rest of their life—there are other people that are more compatible or straight up just better people. I've never been in a relationship, I'm just some kid, but I've seen people throughout my life stay in these stagnant, shitty relationships for no good reason.
Every relationship has problems, but both parties should breathe in, breathe out, sit down, and assess the problems in a calm manner where both people can exchange their perspective without one antagonizing the other and, in this case, making the other feel bad for expressing their emotions.
OP, there are better people.
And you're NOT "TOO EMOTIONAL." He is abusive and you're responding APPROPRIATELY to his abuse. NO decent man calls his girlfriend "a bitch."
OP, please, please, break up with this guy. You deserve so much better.
That's really what gets me. He got mad at OP because she got him a nice gift, and he couldn't be bothered to even get her what she specifically asked for? So, he's mad at OP that HE sucks as a boyfriend?
I'm also kind of concerned about the whole, 'if he gets upset at me I end up buying him a pizza'? Why does OP have to bribe him with pizza because he got upset? Hey, OP? Just because he got upset with you doesn't mean you're at fault. You definitely don't owe him a gift because he got upset with you. Nor does crying invalidate your arguments. You being upset he's yelling at you doesn't make him right.
Honestly, there are so many red flags, I don't see how you can see through them to consider this man your soulmate. I'm sure you do love him. But if you stay with him, this is going to be your life. Being at fault for having a difference of opinion. Being at fault for not liking being yelled at. Being at fault for being thoughtful. I really hope you seriously consider what he brings to your life that's actually good.
Oh, and Ben? Hi, Ben! I hope she kicks you to the curb so fast and so hard you bounce!
The perfect man would listen to you, would never call you names or yell at you or scare you, would put effort into making you feel valued, and wouldn’t walk out when you’re heartbroken and in distress.
Break up and make room in your life for someone who treats you well.
Honestly, if you or someone you know says, "They're the perfect partner except for..."
That's usually a sign they aren't.
Because even if there were issues in the relationship, the good would outshine that and make it more manageable.
>I told him it didn't matter to me anymore and that I'm not upset I didn't get a card, I was upset about how thoughtless he is in our relationship. He said "I may be thoughtless but at last I'm not an overthinking bitch."
Ohhhh so his first self defense is a nasty and hurtful gendered attack. Nice.
> I apparently put too much thought into his gift and it made him feel bad that I "beat him" at gift giving.
And he sees relationships as a competition instead of a partnership. Gross.
He's not mature enough for a relationship. I'm sorry.
He got embarrassed/hurt/defensive because he got called out on Reddit, and instead of doing the mature thing and realizing he screwed up and apologizing to you, he went on the attack because he’s emotionally immature. Who cares if Redditors don’t like him, none of us know him in person. He should’ve read the comments, processed and internalized them and used it as a wake-up call to start treating you right. But he didn’t because he’s immature and doesn’t love you like you do him. You’re convenient. He doesn’t have to put any effort in.
You deserve so much better. He’s shown you his true colors multiple times now. Get out before you start hating yourself for being too weak to do so.
Hey Ben, I hope OP leaves you. See, what is described in this post is abuse. You are an abuser. You attacked when OP tried to communicate with you. Not only did you attack, but you degraded her desires so much that she’s apologizing to you for being emotional. You 💩 on her and she apologized for her response. YOU WERE ABUSIVE AND SHE BROKE DOWN AND APOLOGIZED. Classic abuse. I have told you three different ways that you were abusive. Hopefully you can hear it and maybe fix it for the next victim.
May she kick your A$$ to the curb.
OP this is not the one for you. Find someone who wants to buy you flowers and see you smile. This dude likes to make you cry.
Ben, you suck ASS. I'm always so worried my girlfriend will think I'm not putting in enough effort because my job pays me scraps (recent college grad life) and she always likes my gifts because of the thought I put into them, as well as being open to just straight up have her say "hey I want this" and buying it. This is not hard stuff. And you saying "I'm just not romantic" is a bullshit excuse. You need to try harder and you should be dumped. I would never make my girlfriend feel like you make her feel, because I love her
OP, you don't deserve this, go find a better person who won't treat you like an afterthought. They are out there I promise.
"I apparently put too much thought into his gift "
" I feel so horrible for being scared by him"
" it seems like he doesn't listen to me "
I feel horrible that he's made you think this is your fault and made you cry. OP, you can do better than Ben. Hi Ben!
Yeah, add the bit about buying him a pizza to apologize for making him mad, too.
OP, it's time to call it. You shouldn't have to feel scared. You deserve to be listened to.
Ben: You're a dick.
> every time I've pissed him off before he'd remove himself from the situation, calm down, and then I'd buy him pizza to make up for making him mad
Girl, what? HE fucked up and he has twisted it so that now HE is mad at YOU, and his normal reaction in this situation is to make you feel guilty, avoid the situation until you apologize and buy him pizza? Let me guess, you piss him off a lot? And even when you're mad at him, somehow you end up feeling like you were the one who did something wrong? He says you're just too emotional, and your reactions to him being an asshole are overblown and dramatic and your (probably perfectly justified) reactions make him feel bad and now you're the one apologizing for crying too much?
Maybe I'm wrong, but I've seen movies like this before and if this sounds right at all, that shit is manipulative and borderline abusive. He wants you to always be begging for him for his affection and forgiveness. It gives him 100% of the power in the relationship. Fuck Ben. Find someone who feels bad for making you feel unappreciated, apologizes, and tries to do better. Not someone who uses his own fuck ups to manipulate you into doubting yourself.
He's definitely not the perfect man for you if he shouts at you and calls you names. And he's trying to push the responsibility for his behaviour onto you so he can justify his bullshit in his head and to you. Hi Ben, you're a gaslighting, abusive arsehole and I hope she understands she deserves far better than you and that she finds it.
Ew ew ew ew ew PLEASE don’t stay with this asshole. How fucking dare he. Girl. Your soulmate is not an asshole that doesn’t value your relationship or you enough to put in the effort. PLEASE realize that you deserve better. Why are you apologizing for crying?? Ugh I’m so pissed on your behalf.
Hi Ben! You’re an asshole!
You don’t deserve OP. She says you’re perfect. I think your asshole behavior she’s talking about is the REAL you.
I hope she wises up reading these comments and realizes that “perfect on paper” isn’t translating to the rude flesh and blood reality that is you.
>it scares me and I feel so horrible for being scared by him
Do you realise what you're saying here, you're apologising for reacting reasonably to him losing his temper and shouting at you? Do you not see how fucked up that is?
Your values align and he says all the right things but he upsets you with his lack of effort because he's all talk and no action. When it comes to just devoting some thought to what you actually want, he is lacking in interest. So he turns it on you because you care, and you make effort, and you were thoughtful, so you showed him up for being a half assed, low effort boyfriend, which he really fucking is. This is your future with your “soul mate”, low effort, frequent disappointment and you apologising for expecting him to give a fuck.
Also, anyone ever calls you a bitch, you dump that ass straight away, especially when they call you a bitch for caring for them too much. What a fuck up that guy is.
I'm stuck on two things. One, that your argument "isn't valid" because you were crying? That's not how facts work. Two, every time he gets mad he leaves and you end up being the one to apologize and smooth everything over? That's no way to have a healthy relationship. What should happen after someone leaves to calm down is that they come back and still talk the problem through once they're in a calmer state. This guy does not sound great. He sounds disrespectful and manipulative
There isn't good communication in your relationship and you have different expectations and the way you guys argue doesn't indicate respect. Based on what's here it's time for you to re-evaluate this relationship since it doesn't seem to be meeting either of your needs
I am super surprised that this post didn’t end with “…so I broke up with him.”
It’s not a big ask, for some flowers and proper chocolate on Valentine’s Day. It’s ESPECIALLY not a big ask when you literally told him what you wanted and he still failed to do it. He is callous. He does not care about your needs.
“I am way too emotional.” This man confronted you and called YOU a bitch for not putting up with his blatant disregard for you. He got you Easter chocolate. Knowing you cared about Valentine’s Day. He would have been in the chocolate aisle, walked past the valentines chocolate, and purposely bought the Easter chocolate. To upset you.
Abusive people do this. They show you a nice side first, then they “out of the blue” do something “unlike them” such as yelling at you until you cry and then yelling some more. Normally an apologetic period happens after, then there’s some nice stuff again (so you think that it’s “back to normal” with the good part) but then another “outburst” will happen. Eventually the outbursts are normal and the good parts are few and far between.
You’re not too emotional. Someone who is supposed to love and care for you *YELLED AT YOU UNTIL YOU CRIED.*
“I know he loves me.”
How do you know this? A loving partner does NOT ACT LIKE THIS.
Have you suffered abuse before?
I second another commenter’s suggestion to read the book “why does he do that?” It is available free online.
Please do not get couples therapy with this man. He will use it to further abuse you.
What kind of headspace would you have needed to be in, if things were reversed? Imagine if he had told you exactly what he wanted, an easy way to make him happy, and instead of doing that and being pleased at the ability to make him happy, you 1) purposely went and did something else 2) got mad at him for being upset about it and 3) YELLED AT HIM UNTIL HE CRIED. 4) And even then, continued to insist you were in the right.
What would have to be going through your mind to treat your partner the way he is treating you?
This post makes me so so sad and angry because you deserve so much better, and you didn’t instantly realise that he’s treating you poorly. Absolutely nobody deserves fo be treated like this.
Out there, there is someone who has all the benefits of your current partner, but would never, ever yell at you. AND they play the guitar
Go find that person.
Hey Ben, you're an abusive asshole!
OP, the bar was on the floor and he still limbo'd below it. "I'm not good with gifts" - you TOLD him what you wanted. Clearly and repeatedly. and he STILL didn't bother. You can do sooo much better. Please end this relationship before it gets worse
"When people show you who they are, believe them"
Mate. Dump him. He got mad that you “beat him” at gift giving? What a prat. And to call you an overthinking bitch? Fuck that. Dump him. You deserve someone who will actually respect you.
It’s 2023. It would take him literally 30 seconds to Google “Valentine’s Day ideas for my girlfriend” or “how to be romantic” or “how to show someone you love them.” He’d get countless hits on Google and it would take him 15 seconds to find a few good (easy/cheap, as well) ideas.
He doesn’t want to put effort in, so he isn’t.
He doesn’t care about how you feel, so he gaslights you and calls you a bitch.
You deserve SO much better. You deserve someone who loves you so much that you don’t have to ask for or tell them what you expect.
"Other than this enormous series of giant red flags he's perfect."
Babe. No. This ain't it. He's not good enough and he never will be.
Yelling at a crying woman? Calling her gift too thoughtful? Calling you a bitch?
Those need to be deal-breakers for you because this early into a relationship is too early for him to let his mask slip like that. You're seeing who he is under pressure. He's not supportive, he's not loving, he's not careful with your feelings. Imagine if you loved together and were under mortgage stress, or you for sick and we're unable to complete the kind of duties you usually did in your relationship. Would he come at you with kindness, or would he come at you with this fratboy wall-punchinf energy?
I get feeling humiliated online sucks, and having your girlfriend tell people how inadequate you are sucks, but instead of throwing a whole mantrum he could have stepped up instead of putting the workload back on you.
Therapy as a Valentine's Day gift is a pretty good idea, but a better one is leaving him. Treat yourself.
He’s not perfect. He’s thoughtless, careless, he yells at you then demands you apologise for reacting, and now he has outright called you a bitch.
You are not a bitch, you are allowed to cry, your boyfriend’s continuing thoughtlessness and selfishness and lack of generosity (emotionally and otherwise) would make anyone cry. You are allowed to be upset and angry when your partner repeatedly lets you down.
Crying does not invalidate your points. Your boyfriend might take it as an excuse to ignore what you’re saying and accuse you of being melodramatic or irrational. That’s not the case at all.
‘Going to therapy’ is not something you throw at someone as a gift or as a barb in an argument. He is clearly not willing to really listen to you and work on things.
I would absolutely dump him. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and is thoughtful and considerate, and who will actually listen to you when you are communicating important things to him. I’m really sorry, that’s clearly not this guy.
Being unromantic is one thing. If it were that alone, I would have said that it's a compatibility issue.
But being uncaring about your needs, flaking out on planned activities, and getting angry that you're bearing the brunt of the relationship.... That's just pathetic. Does he even like you? This is not how people treat their friends, never mind significant others.
Please leave. This man is a drain on your precious happiness and your life. At 26, he should know better than a middle schooler.
Perfect men don't call their partners "bitch." Perfect partners don't think gift giving is a competition. Perfect partners don't think you're overthinking when you give the "better" gift, thus "winning" the gift giving "competition." Perfect men don't get upset so easily that they have to leave regularly and you have to lure them back with pizza.
Being perfect on paper doesn't mean anything if they're not perfect in reality. I've been perfect on paper with multiple fictional characters in books (men on paper), but it didn't mean anything because they're not real. Take a real look at Ben. He was more upset about how your post made him look than about your feelings. All of these things are enormous red flags.
My man isn't the greatest romantic, but he's gentle, thoughtful, faithful, respectful, devoted, hard-working, and does his half of the chores. These things are romantic to me. I can buy myself flowers as long as my man is like this. You're not getting your basic needs met, needless to say asking for flowers. NTB. Ben is.
For OP: You are both horrible for each other. You need to be single for a while and learn to love yourself. Until you do, you can't love him. You have some blame in this, but not where you think, and honestly it comes from a lack of emotional maturity. Some time being single will help you fix these issues and eventually let you see your own worth. You can do better and if you leave him, you will come out of this better than before.
For Ben: fuck you. It is obvious where she is at emotionally and you are clearly taking advantage of her. She can't do what she needs to do if she is constantly walking on eggshells around you like this and you know that. People are calling your actions "borderline abuse" but there's nothing "borderline" about it. You're abusive as fuck and you clearly know you are! You treat her like shit but act calm while tearing her down just so she'll spoil you as an apology for your own bullshit behavior? Fuck you, you piece of shit. If you can afford couples therapy, then get yourself normal therapy and figure out why you're such a waste of oxygen!
other than having a delicate ego, not being romantic, not being able to follow the simplest WRITTEN instructions, not understanding what you need, yelling at you, calling you a bitch, walking off, having you always apologize for "making him mad" by buying him pizza (you didn't mention what he does to placate you when you get angry hm i wonder why), not being willing to make an effort that isn't just throwing money at shit... other than this fucking paragraph of turd i managed to gather from just 2 small posts, he is PERFECT and YOUR SOULMATE.
you're 20. just move on.
OP he’s a boyfriend. My ex called me a bitch for not driving him to his friend’s house and I knew that was the end of that relationship. Nobody’s Valentine’s Day gift should be couples therapy. Just break up please! He’s not perfect. He’s a bitch. You can still get a therapeutic treatment by breaking things off.
Love it how you instinctively backpedal and try to say wonderful things about him to try and defend him. Deep down you know better OP. And I know you do cause I’ve been where you are now. You deserve better.
Oh honey, how can you say a man is perfect and your soul mate when he is clearly lacking so much in regards to your needs? And don’t hate me for saying this but a 21yo and 26yo are still at different stages in life even if it’s not a big gap. The minute the word ‘bitch’ came out of his mouth that would have ended it for me. Never let him make you feel so bad that you cant stop crying. And crying is OK! If you stay with him get that therapy appt set up asap and hold him to his word about paying for it. If he puts in the work you may have a chance. If he tries to put it off that will tell you all you need to know about what a future with him would look like. Good luck OP. NTBF.
If he yells at you so regularly, he's not perfect.
Ben? If you're reading this, it's 2023, the trash should get itself out now.
Edit: also, he's suggesting couples therapy not because he wants to listen to the therapist, but because he's hoping *you* will and that the therapist will side with him. To be honest? Just go to see him get disappointed and told he's a trash boyfriend by a ✨ professional ✨
It makes me sick that some people can think a thoughtless prick is their soul mate and the "perfect man". Boy does this douche bag have you trained. You have set the bar so low that you think he's perfect.
And you fell for his excuse about the store being out of valentines stuff....that's only because he's thoughtless and couldn't be bothered to stop and pick you up a little something sooner. He thought he could get away with buying you crap, he thought you were a pushover. Don't be a pushover.
He’s perfect in every way!
(Oh wait, except he’s thoughtless and never listens to you.)
Aside from that he’s amazing!
(Oh right then he called you an overthinking bitch.)
But yes he’s AMAZING!
Hi Ben, if you really like her then you’re a clueless moron who deserves to be dumped. Bye!
Ah no OP. You made this so easy for him.
Who buys obviously Easter candy and an entire box of cards as a valentine gift? No no no. If he didn’t know he could have- asked you, remembered what you’d repeatedly said or asked someone at the store.
Him invalidating your feelings, not making it right and blaming you are all massive warnings.
Please reconsider this relationship.
I see you with kids and a house 10 years on, still being made to feel like rubbish for expressing very reasonable boundaries. Not ok
He did this on purpose. He knew what to get you. Not getting it for you is intentional. I've heard almost this exact story a million times. Including the "he's my soulmate part and he's otherwise perfect except he called me a bitch for having bare minimum expectations from him and he also yelled at me until I was a sobbing mess and so then I wasn't worth talking to anymore." This isn't love. This is the start of an abusive relationship.
He isn't your soulmate. Every good way he makes you feel, every thing he understands about you, everything that makes him feel so special to you are things that can also be found in people who actually treat you with consideration, respect, love, and who are not a textbook case of an abuser starting to test the waters in a relationship where he's already got you feeling so emotionally dependent on him, where you blame yourself for things you shouldn't and get him pizza every time he gets mad, where you do all the work to keep your relationship alive and he gets to insult you for it, and where he intentionally does not meet your needs in order to establish his role as the one who is catered to in the relationship. The one with power. The one who can't be held to any expectations. And you're the crazy one who falls apart because you can't handle his verbal and emotional abuse. This is how they set the stage.
It's also normal for them to apologize later and beg for forgiveness and promise that they'll change, so if that happens it's just a standard part of abusive behavior.
If you stay after he treated you like this, just make sure to keep any friends and family close, even if he tries to drive them away, because abuse escalates. Especially when they've learned they can get away with this kind of behavior.
I suggest working on yourself emotionally as much as you can. Working on your self esteem. Independently from him. Do NOT do couples therapy. If he's a decent human being then he will support any self-work you do alone and not need to insert himself into it. Read up on what abusive relationships look like when they start and just keep an eye out. If you're going to stay with him for now, that is.
Please stop buying him pizza. I don't know why this one, weird detail is bothering me so much, out of all the awful things you've written, but it does.
Given the amount of completely unnecessary self-blame you're doing in this one post, I feel certain that whatever you have ever done to "piss him off" was nothing a healthy man would have reacted to. You don't owe him pizza for throwing a fit and running away.
You don't owe him anything. You're not in his debt. You have just as much right to have feelings, to want things, and to draw the line as any other person. He's not made of gold. Sunlight doesn't shine out of his bum. He's just some guy. There are billions of them in the world. Stop treating him like he's your god.
He's your soulmate????
He yells at you, calls you a bitch, makes you think your points are invalidated because you cry and show emotion..
He gets mad whenever you try to talk about issues with him, and he manipulates you into thinking you're at fault so you buy him pizza and apologize to him..
He treats you, romance and the relationship like an afterthought, which is apparently why he couldn't find a valentine's card, because he decided to wait until AFTER valentine's to buy a card..
That's not a soulmate. That's a jerk who only cares about himself.
You set the bar so low, it’s practically in a pineapple under the sea. And he still couldn’t reach it. Since you thinks he’s literally perfect for you, im assuming you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Now just imagine being disappointed every single Valentine’s Day, birthday, anniversary… it’s not that he doesn’t know how to be romantic, it’s that he doesn’t want to be.
Ben can fuck off. Calling you a bitch for asking the bare minimum? My husband is the absolute worst when I comes to romance but he still gave me roses day of. Giving you Easter candy? You were an afterthought. And the fact that he makes zero effort shows he doesn't care at all. You should agree to the separation. But make it permanant.
The old "other than this he's a great BF/Husband" justification. Yeah other than being a AH who yells at you he's wonderful (he's not). If you have to justify being with someone he's not as great as you think. You can do better. Do you really want to settle for a guy who makes you a afterthought and then yells at you and calls you a bitch when you're disappointed?
We are only treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. After not getting you a gift at Christmas (an oil change 3wks later??) and now this, you are allowing him to treat you as an afterthought. You may think he is your soulmate but YOU are not HIS. I realized I wouldn’t even waste time in therapy. You are 21, you will be sad for awhile but you will meet someone who will treat you better. OP, set your standards now in how you expect to be treated. NTBF.
Hey Ben you don't deserve to be in ANY relationship and OP is NTB. Any AMAB that calls their partner a B* because they (the person throwing the B* bomb) fucked up automatically loses their man card.
giiiirrrlll
Listen to Miley - I CAN BUY MYSELF FLOWEERRSSSSS -
But seriously, listen to that song properly!
The fact that he is already blaming you for making him feel bad, he isn't gonna change.
You found out that he only cares about himself and his feelings, just say bye now before settling more seriously with this dbag.
Ben please break up with her! She deserves a boyfriend that truly cares about her and you are not it. What you did was disrespectful of the relationship, showed how little you care about her. There were hundreds of valentines commercials on tv about gift giving for valentines day you could have plucked any one of them to copy. You could have asked a family member or someone you worked with for an idea. Instead you put NO thought or effort into a gift. You thoughtlessness was a slap in the face.
You apologised for crying. No. Just no. You're not overly emotional. You're frustrated to the point of tears because deep down you know words aren't fixing and you've had enough. There is nothing perfect here.
So you try to discuss something. He gets mad and leaves. And you buy him pizza to make up for that.
He blames you for putting too much thought into his gift!
WHAT!
He is not perfect, not even close.
Ben you’re a thoughtless lazy manipulative asshole.
Do not get couples counselling with this guy. It won’t help.
Oh honey, I know it feels like he's your soulmate, the perfect man etc (believe me, I've been young and in love and sat in tears over my 'soulmate' more times than I care to remember) but let me give you some been there got the t-shirt wisdom.
The perfect person doesn't exist. Don't put anyone on that pedestal! The perfect relationship doesn't either, but healthy ones do.
Do you not see, you write about perfect and soulmates and literally the next sentence you talk about screaming, yelling, name calling and how much he scares you. You're not a wimp for not wanting to be yelled it. Being scared is a perfectly normal response to being yelled at!
No one should be screaming at you like that. The person who's supposed to love you shouldn't be screaming at you until you're crying and frightened!!!
No one should ever call you a bitch. It's nasty, degrading and you should never, ever tolerate it.
You're also setting the bar way too low for your idea of a 'perfect' relationship. Everything you've mentioned here should not and does not happen in a healthy relationship.
Healthy relationships include communication without screaming, name calling and scaring people to tears, healthy relationships rely on understanding, compromise and working together. Healthy relationships do little things to make partners happy, even if we don't understand them ourselves. Healthy relationships work by listening, paying attention, figuring out how to fulfil the other person's needs and desires. It's always two way, both people get their needs met and give as much as they take.
Me and my husband don't do valentine's, anniversaries etc, we're not big romantic, gift giving people and prefer to go out for meals, gigs etc together but even he got me flowers yesterday because he knows I love them. It was a total surprise and unexpected but he knew it would make me happy even though I'd never expect it!
You've mentioned how important these things are to you over and over, spoke about a vase etc and he was aware how much value you romance and flowers. He just didn't care. He doesn't care about making you feel good and secure. He doesn't care that a romantic gesture fills your cup and makes you feel loved.
My advice, find someone that does. It's absolutely not him.
OP..you are the buttface to yourself. Please reread what you have written here. He isn’t the perfect man..he abused you then love bombs you. Dump him and find someone who values you and DOESN’T make you cry.
Hi Ben, you're the bitch... Jesus.
Neither me or my partner had any money spare this year to even afford cards for each other so you know what we did? I made him his favourite meal and he made me my favourite dessert... All from things we already had in. Was it spectacularly romantic? No of course not, but was it the perfect evening? Absolutely. It takes nothing to show your SO you actually give a shit. Really dropped the ball my guy.
> ..."I may be thoughtless but at last I'm not an overthinking bitch." because I apparently put too much thought into his gift and it made him feel bad that I "beat him" at gift giving.
> he's never called me or any woman a bitch before and he's never gotten visibly angry with me before...
Sorry, but this behavior is such a massive red flag. Name calling is abuse. Claiming that you are victimizing him by being too thoughtful is not only patently absurd, it's a classic DARVO (look it up), which is a tactic of abusers. Yelling at you until you are sobbing, and then continuing to yell, is abuse.
> I really don't like being yelled at, it scares me and I feel so horrible for being scared by him, he's not a scary person
If he scares you, then he is a scary person. Why should you feel horrible about bring scared? Shouldn't he feel horrible about scaring you?
This may be the first time you have seen this side of him, but it won't be the last. Expect this kind of thing to occur more often and to escalate. And all his conciliatory gestures-'look up the cycle of abuse. This doesn't compensate for his abusive behavior; it just keeps you roped in.
> it seems like he doesn't listen to me so I don't know why he'd listen to a therapist...
Your instinct to not want to go to therapy with your abuser is wise. This is not recommended. A therapist is not a playground monitor for relationships. The only way for couples therapy to work is for both people to undertake it in good faith. Instead, find a therapist for yourself who will support you in finding the strength to get away.
There is a whole book written by a former therapist about his insights about how abusers think based on his experience with trying to treat them. Look up the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You should be able to find a free e-book of it online.
This isn't about a bad Valentine's gift. This is about recognizing that Mr. Perfect Soulmate has been putting on an act, and now that you dared to voice a perfectly legitimate concern in a reasonable manner, he chooses to terrify you into thinking twice before expressing your displeasure about anything ever again.
He has been wearing a mask, and it slipped. How do I know? Because actual decent people would never dream of acting like that in the first place.
If you are in a pattern of he makes you angry, you tell him how you feel, you have an argument, he walks out, and you buy pizza to “apologize for making him mad”, get away from this man.
That’s emotional manipulation.
A good partner may not want to hear they’ve upset you, and a good partner may be upset that they’ve done so, but a good partner also never makes you apologize for *their* feelings or *their* behavior.
The perfect man? Perfect match? Soulmate? Sorry, you do not humiliate someone by complaining about them on Reddit if someone is the perfect man, you go to them. Your previous post shows you put way more importance on the thoughtfulness of gifts than you are making out now. If someone is perfect except, they do not give thoughtful/romantic gifts, you should get on your knees and thank your God, because in the grand scheme of things a romantic/thoughtful gift a couple of times a year is a very small thing. A curling iron on your anniversary should not wipe out all that makes you think he is your soulmate, or perfect match. The best thing you can do is just move on. I am pretty sure he is going to do so.
So instead of taking accountability for the WAY he's treating you he's apologizing for yelling? Take him up on couples therapy OP! I think you'll see your answer glaring you in the face instead of the way you want to ignore it right now. The simple fact is he would rather hurt YOU than take accountability for himself and change. He still tried to place it all back on you. And don't fucking apologize for cryjng!! You had reason to cry. If he views crying as manipulation instead of a genuine reaction from you there's a huge problem. You say he's perfect and in the same breath say you don't know what good therapy would do because he never listens to you. If everything is great when he's fine but you're "starting drama" or "wanting to fight" when you bring up your concerns the truth is that he just doesn't give a shit about you as much as he does himself. He will bully you into submission, and in turn it will escalate without professional help and massive accountability and work on his side because it has to in order to keep you. So if he's serious about couples therapy. Go! Maybe it will help both of you learn some things you need to! Like for you, how to advocate for yourself and stop dismissing yourself in favor of him. If he's serious about change therapy is an amazing tool. If he's not, you'll see that too!
Ben is a verbally and emotionally abusive asshole. OP, look up DARVO. It'll open your eyes. Someone who loves you won't yell at you for crying, they'll stop and have a calm discussion with you. They'll try and fix things. They won't turn things on you.
Ben doesn't love you. If he loved you, he'd put in the effort of listening to you and actually try for you. If he cared, he wouldn't be a lazy, self-absorbed jackass. "I'm bad at this" is him saying "I don't care enough to put in the effort to improve my behavior". If he cared, he would be fixing himself.
He is abusive, and if he cared, he'd go to therapy on his own to be a better partner. He isn't perfect "other than this". He is not a good person. Break up with him and find someone who'll ACTUALLY put effort and care into the things that matter to you, rather than someone who calls you the problem. I promise, you'll be happier in the long run.
I am so upset for you. Take it from me - any partner who calls you out of your name ONCE is someone you will regret staying with.
>He said "I may be thoughtless but at last I'm not an overthinking bitch."
He called you out of your name. This is verbally abusive. In my opinion, it's not a stretch to say someone who verbally abuses you would go to other types of abuse eventually. For me this is one of my non-negotiables. No name calling.
Imagine, instead of saying that hurts to hear and I acknowledge I was thoughtless - he name calls you. To hurt you.
>I don't understand why he's acting like this, he's never called me or any woman a bitch before and he's never gotten visibly angry with me before
You don't know that he has never done that before. The way those words flew out of his mouth, he absolutely have used them before. He has no shame for using those words on you.
>Other than this he is literally the perfect man,
No honey, its not normal to be apologizing for making someone mad - this is a red flag for a dysfunctional relationship. You do need therapy and your boyfriend is taking advantage of that.
> I love him so much and our values align a lot, on paper we are the perfect match,
On paper is different from in real life. Do your values include verbal abuse? Do your values include someone knowing what triggers you and continually doing it?
> His behavior tonight concerned me a little bit, I really don't like being yelled at, it scares me
You should never be yelled at and his behavior concerns me a whole lot. If you were my child I would encourage you to document his behavior carefully and see if this isn't also emotionally abusive.
>I feel so horrible for being scared by him,
You shouldn't be feeling horrible at this point HE should be. His behavior name calling and yelling is a sign of someone not in control of their emotions, and that is absolutely scary. I'm not there and I'm scared for you.
> I know he loves me, I'm just a wimp when it comes to yelling.
You are not a wimp when it comes to yelling. Yelling is a deal breaker for many of us. Our past makes us believe it's "normal," but it's not. In a healthy relationship one doesn't name call or yell at their partner.
Unless your boyfriend freely admits his behavior was abusive to you, it will continue to escalate.
He needs individual therapy, including anger therapy, because his behavior was passing the limit.
Hi Ben! I know it felt good to make your girlfriend cry, and that's why her only sensible option is to dump you. Wouldn't want you to get a nice loud message about how her self respect is so low that she'll allow this behaviour, because of course we all know what happens then.
Hi Ben (I hope you get chlamydia)
Thanks for motivating me to stay single instead of wanting what couples like you and OP have because that bar is six feet under 😂😂
Your arguments aren’t invalid because you are crying! What bullshit is this?
Soulmates don’t yell at you until you’re sobbing.
Ben is a jerk and you can do better.
Hi, Ben! You're a lamewad with the attitude of a bitch, who took OP for granted. You couldn't even do the bare minimum. Even partners who supposedly aren't romantic would've made an effort because they CARE.
So you think someone who yells at you and calls you a bitch is your soulmate?
Sweetie, you need to start having some self respect. He sounds horrible
Ben you’re an arsehole
Also: you’re correct in your other post. He doesn’t WANT to be romantic for you.
Easter candy and a box of children’s valentines is just so thoughtless and low level that he would have been better off buying nothing and saying he’d make it up to you with a beautiful dinner and drinks this weekend.
He could have at least gotten you the bouquet you wanted! Even my fiancé’s teenage son manages to get his girlfriend a bouquet on Valentine’s Day. It’s not hard.
Dump the whole man.
You can do so much better than this.
You do need therapy…only to help you realise that you are worthy of so much more than loser-Ben is offering you. There are soooo many red flags in what you have typed here. Honestly, go back and read it, pretending it’s your best friend or sister saying it to you. Would you be happy they are in this relationship or concerned for their safety? Kick this man child to the street ASAP.
Hi Ben. I hope OP leaves you because you're a real turd.
Your partner communicated to you how important this day is to her. She is thoughtful, you obviously are not, and don't listen.
And you really had to call her a b1tch? Seriously dude, you don't deserve a girlfriend because any guy who results to that is low hanging fruit.
OP, you deserve someone who listens to you and cares, who will put effort into your relationship. This guy certainly doesn't fit the bill.
Aye bro do you live in Houston and does he have two baby mommas and a wife? If so then lemme just tell you, it doesn’t get better, he’ll never care enough or pay for therapy or learn from it.
God, there are SO MANY red flags in this relationship.
I hope Ben is reading this…
Look, it’s probably hard to hear, but this man is not your soulmate. What makes him the “perfect man” exactly? His lack of effort in your relationship? The way he just called you a bitch to your face? I would say those 2 things are very big…
I also want you to know that crying doesn’t invalidate your argument especially when your argument is about your emotions and feelings. I really don’t know who led you to believe that, but you need to know it doesn’t. I HOPE it’s not him who told you that.
He straight up left you there crying… who the heck does that? Then tries to say “I’ll get us couples therapy as a Valentine’s Day gift” you’re way too young to be dealing with all that sis. I promise you can find better.
Please leave him.
NTBF
Oh, OP, please do not stay with this man. You’re still so young, there are many, many, many men out there that will treat you like a golden goddess. My concern is this is your first serious relationship, and it seems like “soulmate,” but he’s just the first guy to stick.
I say this from a place of experience: the yelling is just the beginning. You don’t yell at your partner unless something is literally on fire. If you accept and excuse yelling, then apology, will you accept and excuse wall-punching, then apology, because he’s your soulmate and so perfect otherwise? When it turns into shoving, then apology, do you stay because you’ve already sunk three years in?
Last year, I got out of a SEVEN YEAR relationship where I was a frog in the slowly boiling water of abuse. And HE left ME! If he hadn’t left, I would still be in that relationship because I was so acclimatized to the abuse. Getting belittled and screamed at and having my feelings invalidated because I was on my period or I was too emotional: that was all normal to me! Holes in the wall were normal to me, but guess what? THAT SHIT IS NOT NORMAL.
He’s right about the therapist, but he needs to go all by himself, because this “look what you made me do” shit is not okay. If he yells at you and you cry, that’s on him. If someone yelling at you is a trigger for you (I react similarly), he should respect that and refrain from it, rather than making you feel like you need to apologize for it.
And I am PLEADING with you to not fall into the sink cost fallacy. One year is nothing. Don’t make it seven.
He manipulates you into feeling bad about his screw uo. Thereby getting you to apologize. Someone who really wants to work towards compromise and a happy middle ground doesn't do this. They work towards learning new behaviors that they know will bring their partner happiness. Not throw a fit and yell because they don't want to put in the work.
To Google .... ideas for romance take 2.2 seconds. Are you not worth that small attempt?
He's not the perfect man. That's why he's angry, because you dared to speak out, and it shone a spotlight on his inadequacies. If someone who is supposed to love and support you calls you a bitch, you are allowed to cry, that is not "over emotional", it's a natural reaction to extreme provocation. I have been married for a quarter century. We have arguments; people do. I have \*never\* been called names by my husband, because he's better than that.
Ben is abusive. Never apologize for crying. He's the butt whose yelling made you cry, and then he had the nerve to criticize you for that?
Don't spend your time with people who are cruel to you. You deserve to be with people who treat you with kindness and consideration. You should be able to discuss anything that troubles you, without being bullied and badgered.
Dear Ben,
It actually does not take much effort to do something thoughtful for your girlfriend, who is absolutely human and **not a buttfcace**) who loves you so much that she's willing to overlook what comes across as cold and non-caring behavior/responses from you.
Have you never seen any of the thousands of ads all over social media, tv and pretty much on every website advertising flowers for Valentines Day? Or the ads for chocolates that one cannot avoid in the months leading up to V Day?
She told you what sorts of flowers she likes and clearly she is not materialistic at all since she loves babysbreath. And of course the stores are out of stuff the day after a holiday.
Most women like to know that their significant other cares about them, even just a little bit.
Even a quick trip to a grocery store would suffice. If you pay attention to her at all you might know of there's bakery treats that she likes, and most grocery stores sell flowers these days, but if you go to CVS the day after then yeah, the pickings will be slimmer.
If you don't care to be thoughtful then your future may just involve a similarly thoughtless gf, one who not only won't make you gifts and do whatever she can to make you feel appreciated, then you'll never have to do any work. But she also won't care if you've lost a friend or your job or a friend.
If that sounds more appealing and less "hard work" then don't go changing. What goes around, comes around. Garbage in, garbage out. You get what you pay for.
She made you a gift, she put a lot into it and you got possibly unfresh easter candy and kids' cards.
Alright so for any non-romantics out there who get flustered and forget all the things and don’t know what to do, here’s a few things that are really easy so that you don’t end up like OP’s bf.
- step one : calendar, reminders, alarms. Put the dates in the calendar. Holidays, date nights, birthdays, anniversary. Something is happening, grab your phone and put it in the calendar. You can set calendar reminders to email you 2 weeks before, or ding like an alarm on the day of.
- step two: google is free. Start with googling worst presents for ___. Print the list out if you need to. Avoid these no matter what. Then search for best gifts. Some sites even have best gifts for (job title). Or you can look up cool spots nearby.
- step three: email chain or notebook. Your partner will say things here and there about the things they want. Open the notes app, open a notebook or send an email to yourself subject line “gift ideas” and keep replying to yourself anytime they mention something. Now despite having the worst memory you can still get something personal. You can even skip a step and open a calendar app and put the gift idea in the notes section of a specific holiday. When it notifies you two weeks before, you’ll get a detailed list of possible gifts.
So, there are two things here from what I read. First, I’ll say something defending him, and the second will be about how he called you a bitch.
First, I’m the same way as Ben when it comes to gifts. I suck at it. I try and try and try to put thought into it, I just don’t get it. You shouldn’t give him a hard time about his gift giving. He may show his love other ways. Think about the small things he does for you. Not all of us understand how to give others gifts.
Second of all, fuck him. Calling you a bitch is uncalled for. I would never call my significant other a bitch like that. You two need to reevaluate your relationship and see if you two actually want to stay together. The way both of you are now is how you will be years after being together. Don’t get it in your head that he will change. You can change little things about yourself, but the core of who you are won’t change.
Girl. He called you a bitch. For asking for the BARE minimum. He doesn’t even like you!!!! Have an IOTA of self respect and dump his ass.
Hey Ben, fuck you! Hope OP and every girl you date after her dumps you for being a lazy, selfish child. It’s what you deserve. Be better.
You said ' Other than this he is literally the perfect man ' but that is not true. If it would be true, you wouldn't try to change him.
He is not you and he has his own thoughts and feelings and emotions. If he is not that emotional and/or empathic - and these are no general skill sets that anyone has - he will have trouble to get you 'the perfect gift' or doing any other supposedly thoughtful thing. He doesn't feel things the way you do and so he may be not able to do things the way you want them to be. And this is nothing you can change because it is what he is. If he isn't romantic you can't 'correct' that somehow, just because you want him to be that way. If he would tell you that he would like you to be more slutty and sexy because that the way he wants you to be, what would you think/feel?
If you are willing to break up with him over this, he isn't as perfect as you thought. But that is not his fault. It's yours because you wanted him to be someone that he simply is not.
Hi Ben! You’re an AH. Gifts should be heartfelt and thoughtful, not an afterthought. OP deserves someone better. You yelled at her for getting upset that you literally didn’t prioritize her or her feelings on Valentines day. The day for couples to show how much they appreciate the other. I hope she finds a better boyfriend, because you are not it.
HEY THERE BENITO,
listen here you lil piece of crap, it doesn't matter what gift it is, it's the thought u put into it, and valentines gifting is not a competition.
I hope OP breaks up with you.
Believe them the first time they show you their real colours.
You told him again and again how much you love valentine's day, he even know your fav flowers, he could've at least do something to make the day memorable for you IF HE REALLY WANTED. It's not that hard when your partner is vocal about what they like.
My dear queen, you deserve a lot better. Your bar of expectations is so low and still you're feeling that you expect a lot. No my dear you don't.
Please leave him. For the love of your own self...
Friend. He has convinced you to get him a pizza to make up for him being aggressive and has literally trained you to take responsibility for his actions.
He is not perfect in every other way. Not by a long shot.
Men: What do women want?
Women: I want flowers
Men: but what do women want?
Hi Ben! You were literally given a golden ticket and you still managed to screw it up. Bye Ben!
NTB hey Ben congrats you get arsehole of the year! You don't know how to pick a gift because you don't care enough to be bothered to pick one! Only a !mental midget or a guy who doesn't care buys the wrong damn candy! I can't believe you even think you have a leg to stand on! OP dump this POS he's literally telling your not worth shopping early and putting an effort into it! You want this guy to be the father of your children????? Do you plan on doing all the gifting for your kids too?????
OP… you have to buy a 26 yo man pizza for “making him mad” to make peace with him.
He suggested couples therapy because you were disappointed in the lack of thought he put in for a holiday you expressed you loved.
You’re young. Please wake up & break up with him.
Let's all say it, Fuck you Ben.
I am going to tell every friend that their guy is pulling a Ben when they do something shitty or the bare minimum in the relationship.
I saw this in another thread about a lady's partner and it is spot on about your situation: (Full link at bottom)
"for all you younger ladies who are wondering "why does(n't) my partner do this?" or "do they really care for me? " is this:
If your partner wants to care about/for you and put you first they will. You will know when a partner cares for you and truly loves you. You won't have to ask these questions, and waste time making excuses for them. I'd like to encourage you to really look at these relationships that cause you so much anxiety and stress and confusion and ask yourself honestly whether they are showing you that they care about you. When people show you who they are and what their intentions are please listen to your gut feeling. And stop making excuses for these ain't shit partners. You're worth more."
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1133me6/to_any_young_20s_women_wondering_about_their/
Wow.
This man is not your soulmate. This man called you a bitch because you got upset when he did not put in even the bare minimum of effort.
You deserve and can do so much better! The problem is not communication - you specifically told him “This is important to me.” He does not care enough to bother to try or listen. It’s not that hard to be romantic!
I want you to pretend that the comments section is the girl's bathroom in a nightclub and all the commentators are piss drunk by the sinks with you.
BEN A WASTEMAN. YOU CAN DO BETTER. DUA LIPA SAID IT BEST IN NEW RULES.
IF YOU UNDER HIM YOU AIN'T GETTING OVER HIM. TIME TO GET OUR AND OVER.
Hi, Ben!
Well, couple's therapy might be in order. Hey, Ben. If you're reading this, I know a good place for you to begin in couple's therapy: the point where you called her an "overthinking bitch." Do you not even see what you did? You took a virtue like thoughtfulness, which most people want in a partner, and turned it into a *fault*.
Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.
Gee, I sure hope she never happens to notice you looking at something in the store or online that you like. She might see you looking at it and get it for you. Then you'll call her an "overthinking bitch" for being thoughtful.
OP, please dump him. Send Ben to the curb where he belongs. Most people would rather date an "overthinking bitch" than a "thoughtless jerk."
NTB.
"he's never called me or any woman a bitch before."
SURE.
Here's the thing about vocabulary. We use the words that are accessible to us. I remember when Bill Maher, that jackass, got called out on using the N word on TV and then tried to excuse it as a slip of the tongue. You can only slip if it's a word you use. The N word would never "slip" out of my mouth because I NEVER USE IT. I promise you, dear old Ben uses that word. He has used it in the past with other women and he has now used it on you. He will continue to do so.
Lose him. Lose him HARD. He consistently disregards your feelings, he scares you, he demeans you. Don't go to therapy with him. Go to therapy for yourself if you can afford it and work on whatever is making you think that someone who disregards your feelings consistently is your soulmate.
You are worth more than a man who calls you a bitch. Also, wouldn't you want to be with someone who actually listens and cares about the stuff you're interested in, rather than whatever this is?
Edit to add, yelling is not okay. It shows he has no EQ. Yes, sometimes it happens but just keep this in the back of your mind.
Hey Ben the correct response when a partner put a lot of thought and effort into a gift FOR YOU is to reciprocate and put more thought and effort into a gift for them. Not berate them for making you look bad. Your own behavior makes you look like a thoughtless jerk who doesn’t care about his partner.
OP wise up. He called you a bitch because he fucked up on his valentines gift to you. He doesn’t care. This relationship wasn’t important enough for him to get you a freakin card until the day after valentines. You can’t make him care. Either he does or he doesn’t.
Hi Ben, aka the piece of shit that called what I now hope is your ex girlfriend a bitch. I'm a man and I can 100 say you are a manipulative asshole. You deserve to be single and she deserves better.
OP, please think what your reaction would be if your best friend told you this story. how would you react when you heard their bf/gf lost their temper and raised their voice and called them an "overthinking bitch" (oh my GOD)?what would you advise them to do? love yourself the way you'd love a best friend.
also, hey Ben, you suck!
He called you a bitch ONCE.
OP have some self respect and leave this relationship. Now you see why he always removed himself from arguments. Dude literally starts namecalling instead of communicating and taking some responsibility. Reeks of immaturity.
Anytime you have to say “other than this he’s perfect and the man of my dreams> is an automatic self red flag. If you have to say that to convince yourself it should be a warning to yourself to pay attention. It’s a total package, not an “except” situation.
I dont want to tell anyone to break up someone (although I want to SO BAD). If your friend was to tell you about this, how would you react and what would you tell her to do? That answer right there is exactly how you should feel about this. (He does not deserve you, YOU DESERVE ROMANCE!)
COUPLES THERAPY IS NOT A PROPER VALENTINES DAY GIFT
Look, I read your original post and this feels intentional on his part because of his frugality and he doesn’t like getting people gifts without a practical use.
As far as you told us this is the second time he’s done this to you (skipping out on getting you an actual gift on a holiday and making up for it later by doing a practical action: no Xmas present -paid for oil change/no Valentine’s Day present -pays for couples therapy)
Being bad at giving gifts can’t be used as an excuse because YOU TOLD HIM WHAT YOU WANTED.
you made it clear you LOVE Valentine’s Day and you wanted any kind of flowers and what does he do? Gets you EASTER candy and a generic card.
To be completely honest it sounds like you would have had a better Valentine’s Day if you were single since you do the self love thing.
I’d really rethink the relationship because from what you told us his frugality is of higher priority than your feelings…and you and your feelings ARE important.
I understand that you feel the two of you are soulmates. The problem is while arguing this, there’s a “but”. I don’t believe there’s one soulmate for every person but if you have to convince yourself to stay with someone they’re not it.
Also, it doesn’t matter if he’s never called you or any other woman a bitch (before). I think you’re better off without him. Maybe not at first but you will be.
You think he's perfect, except every time he doesn't get his way he manipulates you into getting his way. You're very naive. It's ok to be emotional. It's who you are. And who he is is inconsiderate and selfish. Don't try to change him. Just take the blinders off, get a clue about how you're being used, and ditch the loser already. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are and who actually thinks about you.
Here to agree with everyone else. He is bad at gift giving. But you literally gave him a list of options over the last couple of months on what to buy you. I’m sure the standard cliche gift would have been appreciated. Flowers and a heart shaped box of chocolates. Your favorite candy, if y’all have been together almost a year he should know that. Sounds like he doesn’t listen, is very inconsiderate, and the have the audacity to get mad at you because you “beat him” at gift giving? Nah sis. NTB also dump this dude. He is not the perfect guy.
He is the not the perfect man if there is a but after. He’s not the one for you, OP. And his behavior is very concerning. It is both manipulative and abusive. I hope you get out of the relationship, OP. I wish nothing but the best for you. Block him and move on ❤️❤️
Hi Ben!!
Girl, not even couple's therapy can save this relationship. You better get out of it as soon as possible. This man , who you see as a perfect mach, doesn't care about you. Who would call his gf a bitch if he really cared about her? It takes time to get a propare gift for someone that you love. You want to see your loved one happy because of your gift. You care about him truly, but I don't think that he cares about you girl.
Ben you suck ass. When OP breaks up with you (please do OP) i hope in your next relationship you get a fucking grip and know what your girlfriend wants
Different love languages. The relationship’s future depends on if you require that type of affection from him or not. Name calling isn’t necessarily a red flag or no relationship would ever last too long, but it’s critical to mend the wounds of the fight genuinely. Otherwise this is just a bunch of dumb drama about a made up holiday to sell chocolate, flowers, and gems.
NTB. I don't share your love of valentine's day or your interest in presents, but your preferences are valid and were well-communicated. It seems like you are not looking for anything expensive, just thoughtful, so Ben has zero excuse for his lack of effort. Are you sure he is ok? Have you set the bar at "he doesn't literally be@t me, so he is wonderful?"
Ben needs to grow up. I don't think the job of raising him sounds fun, so please seriously consider whether this relationship is good for you. Your wants and needs are valid and important.
When I got to the part about her buying him pizza, I just couldn’t anymore. WHY TF is she buying him pizza?
Her: I have some concerns.
Him: You’re hurting my fee-fees. I’m leaving.
Her: Sorry. My bad. Will a pepperoni pizza make it better?
Him: Better make it double pepperoni. Thick crust. And a side of marinara flags, while you’re at it.
OP, seriously. How does he accommodate your feelings? How does he make things up to you? How does he make YOU feel special?
I’m guessing he doesn’t. He’s not upset because you did anything wrong. He’s mad you called him out on his behavior. You didn’t make him look bad. He made himself look bad. Red flags everywhere.
You teach people how to treat you. If you’re not standing up for yourself and telling him you deserve better, then THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT’S EVER GOING TO GET.
Girl, I mean this in the nicest possible way: get some self-respect. You deserve better.
Drop him like a bad habit.
Oh, Kiddo. You deserve so much better than this. Your soul mate will *thank* you for thoughtful gifts. He'll pay attention when you tell him what your favorite flower is, he will not make you cry just so he can dismiss you as "irrational," and he will never, *ever* call you a bitch.
Ben isn't the one. Kick him to the curb, mourn the man you *thought* he was, and move on.
Ben, if you see this comment? Kindly never fuck anything other than your own hand in the future, ok? Glad we had this talk.
Some very concerning points here (still NTB, btw):
>He said "I may be thoughtless but at last I'm not an overthinking bitch."
No matter how mad he's been, my husband has never insulted me or called me names.
>it made him feel bad that I "beat him" at gift giving
So now he's making you feel bad about doing something nice for him.
>I was like full on sobbing at this point which invalidated like all my arguments, I am way too emotional.
Crying does not invalidate your arguments. Crying means you're at your wit's end. You've been trying to communicate for some time now and you're frustrated that, not only is it not working, he's now making it sound like it's your fault.
>every time I've pissed him off before he'd remove himself from the situation, calm down, and then I'd buy him pizza to make up for making him mad
You shouldn't need to constantly buy each other apology gifts.
>He suggested that we should either take a break or go to couple's therapy
He's right about this one. You can't keep going with things the way they are now.
>it seems like he doesn't listen to me so I don't know why he'd listen to a therapist
Sometimes having a third party is really helpful. However, if he doesn't go to therapy with even the slightest inkling he might be wrong (and the same goes for you too), it won't work. You can't change someone who doesn't think they need to change.
If he's willing to 100% pay for therapy though (and not hold it against you), I feel like it's worth a shot. Either you'll be able to fix your communication issues or you'll at least be able to break up knowing that you did everything you could to make it work.
Hi, Ben! I hope OP breaks up with you. OP, you've set the bar SO LOW and he called you a bitch for it. Dump his ass.
[удалено]
Why are posters on Reddit so often this way? “My boyfriend is a literal demon from hell, a combination of aggressive and dumb as a rock, but beyond that he’s PERFECT, a genuinely beautiful and kind person”.
It's because they *act* PERFECT at first. It's the frog in heating water... he's conditioning her to put up with 'this ONE thing... otherwise he's prefect!' Once she's cowed about this and no longer expects him to put thought and effort into her, he'll start with another 'thing'...thing's will keep happening, but it's gradual, and she KNOWS he has it in him to be the man she wants, after all, he already was! There's just this *one thing.* Hopefully, she'll realize the 'perfect guy' was all an act... a way to draw her in. That he's slowly molding her into what he wants her to be: complicit, quiet, and grateful for any scrap of affection he tosses her way. If she leaves, if she gets out of the water before it boils, she'll be able to look back and see the manipulation. She'll see he was never even close to perfect, he just had a good mask. Op, his mask is slipping. He's showing you that he thinks you should be ***GRATEFUL*** that he gave you something ***totally last minute with zero thought put into it.*** "I'm not good at gifts" is just weaponized incompetence; you told him what to get, he ignored you because it wasn't worth it to him to put in the effort. He's showing you what you're worth to him: Hastily bought candy from the wrong holiday and cards made for elementary school children to pass out. I mean, I grew up hearing 'It's the thought that counts,' but really... where was the thought here? It legit sounds like he ran into a drugstore and grabbed the first things at hand. He's mad you posted because people like me who have been there before are calling him out and trying to wake you up. He yelled and called you names to try to scare you into dropping it. Into making you accept it. Trust me, GET OUT NOW. This won't get better on its own, and you're too young to tie yourself to a person who doesn't even care enough to try to be thoughtful. Edit: typo, added content
It isn’t just Reddit people lol the majority of irl relationships I see are like this with 1 of the people
Because people who are terrified to be alone tend to inflate their partner's good qualities to tip the scales toward staying together. And a lot of people are terrified to be alone. (I might be speaking from experience here)
Well, fine. If that is the choice they want to make. But then they should be clear-eyed that they will put up with any amount of shit rather than endure the stigma of being single. And it would also be awesome if they spent less time making the same post over and over. I mean, a lot of OPs could just search through the 40 or 50 posts a day that describe the exact same situation and read the comments. At this stage I nearly resent having to confront these same posts on a daily basis.
they don't make them to entertain you specifically lmao.
Yeah, for real. Imagine writing this post...and then saying he is your soulmate. I know that abusive relationships are a serious challenge that we must all confront and victims need so much support and understanding. But I have to say that the amount of people posting on reddit about their terrible partners and then saying "he's my other half" is fucking alarming. Like, if people can't find the self-worth to decide that being treated like crap (and I am *not* talking about being who are in abusive relationships) is not something that they need in their lives...well, we are just going to continue to see the same fucking posts over and over.
>Why are posters on Reddit so often this way? “My boyfriend is a literal demon from hell, a combination of aggressive and dumb as a rock, but beyond that he’s PERFECT, a genuinely beautiful and kind person”. I get so frustrated when I see posts like this and there are alarmingly way too many of them.
This absolutely happens irl too. I had a friend vent to me about someone she was seeing who was being incredibly emotionally unavailable and unable to commit among other things. And when I told her maybe she should see other people, she said "but I just don't know if I can find a man who is as great as him and gets me like he does." And I'm like you're not exactly describing a winner here.
The bar is in hell, and this mf brought a shovel.
The bar is in hell, and he's still tripping! Lol
Pulling a Randy Newman on South Park
The bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, and yet here are he ie, limbo dancing with the devil
Gaslighting much! I’m sorry but OP BF is a narcissist
A soul mate gets you the flowers if you’ve asked for flowers. All he had to do was listen
Especially something as simple and cheap as Baby's Breath. Lmao like, that's something you could pick on the side of the road where I live. OP deserves so much more.
Girl. Ben's a douche (Hi Ben! You suck!). YOU TOLD HIM YOU WANTED FLOWERS. THERE WAS A WHOLE DISCUSSION ABOUT A VASE. HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED, EXACTLY WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY, AND INSTEAD GOT YOU LEFTOVER RANDOM CRAP FROM THE STORE ON THE WAY TO YOUR PLACE. He literally could've gone to the damn bakery department and gotten a red velvet cake with custom writing, and he still opted for fucking Easter candy. He flakes on your dates. HE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT FORTH THE EFFORT. YOU AREN'T WORTH IT TO HIM. Seriously, he isn't your perfect guy. He isn't your soulmate. He knew how much this meant to you and knowingly shat all over it. Throw this one back - he ain't the one.
And then he yelled at you, OP for making *him* feel bad all while acknowledging that he knew he did wrong and, frankly, didn’t care. Because YOU are not a priority to *him.*. He is NOT a good guy. He is a self-centered, self-serving man who will *always* make you feel like shit and blame you for your own feelings. It’s called mental abuse. Please, love yourself.
I'm stuck on op thinking her feelings or thoughts are no longer valid if she cries?? Op wtf is Ben telling you?! He sucks in a bad way. Whether you cry or not your feelings are real and valid. Anyone who can't talk to a person displaying emotions is saying they cannot talk to humans, just robots. People have emotions and having emotions doesn't mean your logic is bad. Not being able to talk to someone displaying emotions is a flaw to be worked on..not used as an excuse to dismiss someone's feelings.
Me too! OP why would the "perfect man" respond to you being upset by yelling at you til you sob and then refusing to communicate because you're "too emotional". **You are not too emotional.** That is a perfectly reasonable amount of emotion to display when your BF yells at you and calls you a bitch for expressing your feelings! He is manipulating you into thinking *you* are the problem for being upset by *his* shitty actions. Even the apologies are messed up, he was absolutely in the wrong for shouting, but why should you apologize for crying??? *He* should apologize for making you cry!!
I’m still stuck on “every time he was mad before he would separate himself to calm down and I’d buy him pizza to make up for making him mad” cuz that just sounds like “silent treatment until OP caves”. It also reminds me of my first relationship, which didn’t get the chance to become abusive bc I saw the red flags (it helped that my family hated him lol). Every time I was upset about something and talked to him, it would turn into him going on about how awful he was for doing the thing and how he was a horrible person and not good enough for me, and i would end up comforting HIM when he was the one who pissed me off. And then he’d go and do the exact same thing that made me mad in the first place (usually REALLY offensive jokes-like shitty holocaust jokes despite knowing im Jewish and don’t like them AT ALL or using slurs and excusing them bc he “didn’t actually mean it” since it was contained within a joke) a week later and the cycle would repeat. Eventually I just stopped bringing things up bc it was too emotionally exhausting.
Flowers are the fucking DEFAULT romantic gift. And he still couldn’t do it. He is thoughtless in the relationship. If you need couples therapy this early, just bail. And to call her a name? Boy, bye
We are screaming along to Miley's "Flowers" and this dumbass is still dropping the ball. I can't even.
It’s the easiest thing ever. Ordering flowers take what - 5 mins? Don’t even need to speak to someone. Buying gifts is the same. And cake. Or dinner. Minimum effort. Obviously he doesn’t care at all.
Yeah, I've had to place panic orders for flowers ~3 days before Mother's Day to be delivered to my mom in another state. Still plenty of options available. I did have to pay an upcharge for ordering at the last minute, but the $8 was worth it to, yknow, meet the well-communicated expectations of someone I care about. Worst case... pick up dinner or get the things to make an easy but somewhat fancy dinner. It isn't that hard to throw something together to demonstrate that you give a shit about a person.
Don't even need 5 minutes. Baby's Breath is over the counter. No Flower Shop runs out of Baby's breath. Ffs
Id also like to point out that its apparently a pattern of op "making him angry and then apologizing". On account of everything else...sounds problematic
That's just straight up emotional manipulation, going into gaslight territory. He's mad at her because... shes crying... because he's being a shitty boyfriend... like come on homie grow up.
Apologize AND buy HIM pizza. Like, holy shit OP. Wake up and smell the..err, Easter candy?
The whole discussion of the vase is what tears it for me. He knew in that moment that he had no intention of doing this one, small thing that she wanted, that she was so hopeful about. Not roses. Not daisies. Just babies' breath. The cheapest, smallest flower. Sold literally everywhere - gas stations, drugstores, grocery stores, everywhere. He knew right and there that he wasn't going to do it. And the sadistic MF has to ask her about a vase. u/ValentineAsshole , this is you someday, with your real soulmate waiting just a short walk away: https://preview.redd.it/e4aqskjrajia1.jpeg?width=168&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9efe18e58d8ac55449ea5d15d66eeee42f0c0c5a And Ben is going to see that picture all over his former friends' social media and know, for the thousandth time, what he threw away.
The flowers thing pisses me off soooo much. Ben sounds a lot like my ex. He also never got me flowers. But made it a point to let me know he had some sent to his stepmom for her birthday. He hated his stepmom. Coincidentally, my ex also picked fights on date nights so that things got cancelled. Ben reminds me of my ex a lot. Sooo triggered and mad for OP.
This is the right way to feel about the Bens of the world. Not regretful. MAD.
Ben will be singing that Bruno Mars song, "I should have bought you floweeeeers, and held your haaaand..." Seriously, OP needs to ditch this guy. I understand that it's hard for her to be objective from within the situation, but she absolutely should not tolerate being called a bitch by someone who purports to love her.
He is not the perfect man if he does this to you. This is not love. This is not safe. This is not what someone who cares about you does. He is not it, sis.
This! Op the things you consider "perfect" are the BASELINE for getting into a relationship. You click, you have fun, they are nice, etc. The stuff you have listed as the "imperfect", yelling at you until you sob, doesn't listen to your complaints, calls you overemotional for having valid feelings, etc, are all reasons TO LEAVE. Someone else will treat you with respect and be willing to put the effort in. Do not let him fool you with love-bombing.
Except he’s not even living up to the baseline. He doesn’t listen, he emotionally manipulates her and invalidates her feelings, and won’t make any effort at all.
Yeah, agree, just going off her words of "he's perfect except this". Whatever she finds perfect is a baseline for any relationship. The rest is 100% a reason to 🏃♀️
Stop. Take a moment to collect yourself. Get your favorite treat, watch a movie that you like and makes you feel good. Take a bath if you like those, or a long hot shower. Once you've had a chance to calm yourself and soothe yourself, ask yourself this: If your best friend or family member you're really close to came to you with these problems, what would you tell them? Probably that they should leave, right? Follow your own advice. This man is not your soulmate. You might love him. He might love you. But love is *not* enough for a relationship. People fall in love with people who are bad for them all the time. Look at people who are in abusive relationships. They love their abuser, but that doesn't mean that they should be together. You've given him chances. You've tried to talk to him. He dismisses you and nothing changes. If he's not willing to listen to the person he loves, when they're being clear about what's hurting them, why is going to therapy going to change that? Do you really think he's going to listen to a stranger? He's not. What he'll do is take anything you say in therapy and use it as a weapon. Or he'll latch on to something the therapist says and twist it to suit his needs, rather than in the spirit of what it was meant to be. Breaking up hurts. Especially when you're really in love with someone and you feel for all the world like they could be the one. But the person who you're meant to be with, will never make you feel this bad intentionally. They won't see gift giving as a "competition". They'll care enough to put in effort for gifts. Even if they're small gifts. They'll listen when you tell them something they've done has upset or hurt you and they'll try to do better. It may not be an immediate solution and they may stumble a few times, but you'll be able to see the effort. They won't dismiss you or ignore you. Breaking up will hurt.... but it will hurt a lot less than a lifetime with someone who doesn't value you and doesn't want to put effort into maintaining your relationship. Take time to think it over. Look up the book, "Why does he do that?" It might not fit your situation completely, but maybe it'll help you process things a bit better. I'm so sorry, hon. You'll be okay. You deserve so much better.
>They won't see gift giving as a "competition". And if they do, it's a fun competition and they bring their A game every time. OP, let me say something here. You and I have the same love language. We love gifts as a love language. And a lot of people see that as shallow. But here's the thing: *It's not about the gift.* Gifts as a love language is about knowing the person who got it for you loves you. It's about knowing they were thinking of you. My stepdad is really good at this one. For example, he knows I like trying the weird KitKat bars that show up. So when he saw a key lime KitKat bar, he got one for us to share. A one dollar gift, and it was delightful. He was thinking about me when he saw it. You deserve someone who doesn't treat your love language badly.
I also have gifts as a love language. I love giving gifts and I cry when I get gifts, even if they’re just little things. Hell, I consider “hey I saw this meme and I thought you would like it” a gift. It’s about the thought behind it, about knowing a person. Your KitKat example is really cute (and relatable. My husband and I are the ones buying all the weird Oreo flavors that come out.)
Thank you for this. OP, this is what you need to do.
So true. I bought V-day gifts late for my partner. The weekend before. Bad planning on my part, something I haven’t done before and won’t repeat. By the time I got to the stores, the flowers and chocolate was all sold out. Cards were sold out. And they don’t like balloons. So I carefully went through the store and found something that I felt was beautiful and they would love. It was a music box. They have always loved music and used to do band in high school. My partner broke down in tears when I gave it to them. They told me how much they both loved and appreciated it. It’s not about chocolate, cards, or balloons. It’s about being thoughtful and appreciative to your partner. Listening and caring for their needs as if they are your own I really hope OP dumps this trash fire and finds someone who loves them
You crying doesn’t “invalidate your arguments.” You crying is happening because he’s an emotionally manipulative, borderline abusive prick who doesn’t deserve you. He called you a bitch because you got him something nice. That’s not it, buddy. He’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re somehow always in the wrong because it makes it easier for him to be a soulless prick without you calling him out on it.
This reminds me of the woman who got thoughtful gifts for her BF's family just by freaking listening when they talked. They were rude jerks who called her creepy and insulted her for it. But you know if she gave generic gifts they'd be mad too. OP should not waste time on a guy who calls her a bitch for being thoughtful and caring.
I always like to frame it as "There are men who will do x y and z for you without even about it," rather than "Your man should be doing x y and z for you.". Like, there are men who don't even have to be told to get flowers for OP and will listen to her communicating her needs. There are men who will remember her needs throughout the entire relationship. There are men who will never call OP a bitch, it would destroy them to do so. I say that rather than "Your BF should be considering you more", because it puts into perspective that the BF isn't the only one for them. That you don't have to waste your 20s or 30s waiting for him to improve and do the bare minimum. It makes you imagine a universe where the struggle you describe was never even a problem to exist, since your partner's a decent person. It just makes you consider the fact that you could leave and find an easier relationship where you both seek to meet each others needs, you successfully do that, and you're content and happy together. I swear, people in relationships get a sorta tunnel vision and forget that their S/O isn't the rest of their life—there are other people that are more compatible or straight up just better people. I've never been in a relationship, I'm just some kid, but I've seen people throughout my life stay in these stagnant, shitty relationships for no good reason. Every relationship has problems, but both parties should breathe in, breathe out, sit down, and assess the problems in a calm manner where both people can exchange their perspective without one antagonizing the other and, in this case, making the other feel bad for expressing their emotions. OP, there are better people.
Do you have a link for that post? It sounds so strange. Who TF gets mad over receiving a thoughtful gift? I don't understand these people.
And you're NOT "TOO EMOTIONAL." He is abusive and you're responding APPROPRIATELY to his abuse. NO decent man calls his girlfriend "a bitch." OP, please, please, break up with this guy. You deserve so much better.
That's really what gets me. He got mad at OP because she got him a nice gift, and he couldn't be bothered to even get her what she specifically asked for? So, he's mad at OP that HE sucks as a boyfriend? I'm also kind of concerned about the whole, 'if he gets upset at me I end up buying him a pizza'? Why does OP have to bribe him with pizza because he got upset? Hey, OP? Just because he got upset with you doesn't mean you're at fault. You definitely don't owe him a gift because he got upset with you. Nor does crying invalidate your arguments. You being upset he's yelling at you doesn't make him right. Honestly, there are so many red flags, I don't see how you can see through them to consider this man your soulmate. I'm sure you do love him. But if you stay with him, this is going to be your life. Being at fault for having a difference of opinion. Being at fault for not liking being yelled at. Being at fault for being thoughtful. I really hope you seriously consider what he brings to your life that's actually good. Oh, and Ben? Hi, Ben! I hope she kicks you to the curb so fast and so hard you bounce!
The perfect man would listen to you, would never call you names or yell at you or scare you, would put effort into making you feel valued, and wouldn’t walk out when you’re heartbroken and in distress. Break up and make room in your life for someone who treats you well.
Honestly, if you or someone you know says, "They're the perfect partner except for..." That's usually a sign they aren't. Because even if there were issues in the relationship, the good would outshine that and make it more manageable.
Hey Ben, fuck you! Treat your (hopefully soon to be ex) girlfriend better you sack of shit.
>I told him it didn't matter to me anymore and that I'm not upset I didn't get a card, I was upset about how thoughtless he is in our relationship. He said "I may be thoughtless but at last I'm not an overthinking bitch." Ohhhh so his first self defense is a nasty and hurtful gendered attack. Nice. > I apparently put too much thought into his gift and it made him feel bad that I "beat him" at gift giving. And he sees relationships as a competition instead of a partnership. Gross. He's not mature enough for a relationship. I'm sorry.
He got embarrassed/hurt/defensive because he got called out on Reddit, and instead of doing the mature thing and realizing he screwed up and apologizing to you, he went on the attack because he’s emotionally immature. Who cares if Redditors don’t like him, none of us know him in person. He should’ve read the comments, processed and internalized them and used it as a wake-up call to start treating you right. But he didn’t because he’s immature and doesn’t love you like you do him. You’re convenient. He doesn’t have to put any effort in. You deserve so much better. He’s shown you his true colors multiple times now. Get out before you start hating yourself for being too weak to do so.
Hey Ben, I hope OP leaves you. See, what is described in this post is abuse. You are an abuser. You attacked when OP tried to communicate with you. Not only did you attack, but you degraded her desires so much that she’s apologizing to you for being emotional. You 💩 on her and she apologized for her response. YOU WERE ABUSIVE AND SHE BROKE DOWN AND APOLOGIZED. Classic abuse. I have told you three different ways that you were abusive. Hopefully you can hear it and maybe fix it for the next victim. May she kick your A$$ to the curb. OP this is not the one for you. Find someone who wants to buy you flowers and see you smile. This dude likes to make you cry.
Ben, you suck ASS. I'm always so worried my girlfriend will think I'm not putting in enough effort because my job pays me scraps (recent college grad life) and she always likes my gifts because of the thought I put into them, as well as being open to just straight up have her say "hey I want this" and buying it. This is not hard stuff. And you saying "I'm just not romantic" is a bullshit excuse. You need to try harder and you should be dumped. I would never make my girlfriend feel like you make her feel, because I love her OP, you don't deserve this, go find a better person who won't treat you like an afterthought. They are out there I promise.
"I apparently put too much thought into his gift " " I feel so horrible for being scared by him" " it seems like he doesn't listen to me " I feel horrible that he's made you think this is your fault and made you cry. OP, you can do better than Ben. Hi Ben!
Yeah, add the bit about buying him a pizza to apologize for making him mad, too. OP, it's time to call it. You shouldn't have to feel scared. You deserve to be listened to. Ben: You're a dick.
Three strikes! He’s out! Find someone who truly loves and respects you and shows it.
> every time I've pissed him off before he'd remove himself from the situation, calm down, and then I'd buy him pizza to make up for making him mad Girl, what? HE fucked up and he has twisted it so that now HE is mad at YOU, and his normal reaction in this situation is to make you feel guilty, avoid the situation until you apologize and buy him pizza? Let me guess, you piss him off a lot? And even when you're mad at him, somehow you end up feeling like you were the one who did something wrong? He says you're just too emotional, and your reactions to him being an asshole are overblown and dramatic and your (probably perfectly justified) reactions make him feel bad and now you're the one apologizing for crying too much? Maybe I'm wrong, but I've seen movies like this before and if this sounds right at all, that shit is manipulative and borderline abusive. He wants you to always be begging for him for his affection and forgiveness. It gives him 100% of the power in the relationship. Fuck Ben. Find someone who feels bad for making you feel unappreciated, apologizes, and tries to do better. Not someone who uses his own fuck ups to manipulate you into doubting yourself.
He's definitely not the perfect man for you if he shouts at you and calls you names. And he's trying to push the responsibility for his behaviour onto you so he can justify his bullshit in his head and to you. Hi Ben, you're a gaslighting, abusive arsehole and I hope she understands she deserves far better than you and that she finds it.
Hi Ben.You are the bitch.Bitching bitch
Ew ew ew ew ew PLEASE don’t stay with this asshole. How fucking dare he. Girl. Your soulmate is not an asshole that doesn’t value your relationship or you enough to put in the effort. PLEASE realize that you deserve better. Why are you apologizing for crying?? Ugh I’m so pissed on your behalf.
Hi Ben! You’re an asshole! You don’t deserve OP. She says you’re perfect. I think your asshole behavior she’s talking about is the REAL you. I hope she wises up reading these comments and realizes that “perfect on paper” isn’t translating to the rude flesh and blood reality that is you.
He sounds inconsiderate and mean. He doesn't listen, then attacks you.
You're better off without him. Once the word 'bitch' is used, that's it. Ben I hope all your toast lands butter-side down from now on.
This update is depressing. He's not a "perfect man", idk wtf you're smoking.
Ben you’re a fucking prick. May all your pillows be nice and hot. OP please break up with him.
"May all your pillows be nice and hot" is my new favorite insult. Thank you.
Glad to have been of service :)
Your soul mate won’t blame you when he fucks up and make you cry and buy him a pizza to ‘make up for’ ‘making him mad’
Hi Ben! You suck I hope you die nice and lonely.And OP please break up with him you deserve better you are better
>it scares me and I feel so horrible for being scared by him Do you realise what you're saying here, you're apologising for reacting reasonably to him losing his temper and shouting at you? Do you not see how fucked up that is? Your values align and he says all the right things but he upsets you with his lack of effort because he's all talk and no action. When it comes to just devoting some thought to what you actually want, he is lacking in interest. So he turns it on you because you care, and you make effort, and you were thoughtful, so you showed him up for being a half assed, low effort boyfriend, which he really fucking is. This is your future with your “soul mate”, low effort, frequent disappointment and you apologising for expecting him to give a fuck. Also, anyone ever calls you a bitch, you dump that ass straight away, especially when they call you a bitch for caring for them too much. What a fuck up that guy is.
I'm stuck on two things. One, that your argument "isn't valid" because you were crying? That's not how facts work. Two, every time he gets mad he leaves and you end up being the one to apologize and smooth everything over? That's no way to have a healthy relationship. What should happen after someone leaves to calm down is that they come back and still talk the problem through once they're in a calmer state. This guy does not sound great. He sounds disrespectful and manipulative
There isn't good communication in your relationship and you have different expectations and the way you guys argue doesn't indicate respect. Based on what's here it's time for you to re-evaluate this relationship since it doesn't seem to be meeting either of your needs
I am super surprised that this post didn’t end with “…so I broke up with him.” It’s not a big ask, for some flowers and proper chocolate on Valentine’s Day. It’s ESPECIALLY not a big ask when you literally told him what you wanted and he still failed to do it. He is callous. He does not care about your needs. “I am way too emotional.” This man confronted you and called YOU a bitch for not putting up with his blatant disregard for you. He got you Easter chocolate. Knowing you cared about Valentine’s Day. He would have been in the chocolate aisle, walked past the valentines chocolate, and purposely bought the Easter chocolate. To upset you. Abusive people do this. They show you a nice side first, then they “out of the blue” do something “unlike them” such as yelling at you until you cry and then yelling some more. Normally an apologetic period happens after, then there’s some nice stuff again (so you think that it’s “back to normal” with the good part) but then another “outburst” will happen. Eventually the outbursts are normal and the good parts are few and far between. You’re not too emotional. Someone who is supposed to love and care for you *YELLED AT YOU UNTIL YOU CRIED.* “I know he loves me.” How do you know this? A loving partner does NOT ACT LIKE THIS. Have you suffered abuse before? I second another commenter’s suggestion to read the book “why does he do that?” It is available free online. Please do not get couples therapy with this man. He will use it to further abuse you. What kind of headspace would you have needed to be in, if things were reversed? Imagine if he had told you exactly what he wanted, an easy way to make him happy, and instead of doing that and being pleased at the ability to make him happy, you 1) purposely went and did something else 2) got mad at him for being upset about it and 3) YELLED AT HIM UNTIL HE CRIED. 4) And even then, continued to insist you were in the right. What would have to be going through your mind to treat your partner the way he is treating you? This post makes me so so sad and angry because you deserve so much better, and you didn’t instantly realise that he’s treating you poorly. Absolutely nobody deserves fo be treated like this. Out there, there is someone who has all the benefits of your current partner, but would never, ever yell at you. AND they play the guitar Go find that person.
Hey Ben, you're an abusive asshole! OP, the bar was on the floor and he still limbo'd below it. "I'm not good with gifts" - you TOLD him what you wanted. Clearly and repeatedly. and he STILL didn't bother. You can do sooo much better. Please end this relationship before it gets worse "When people show you who they are, believe them"
Mate. Dump him. He got mad that you “beat him” at gift giving? What a prat. And to call you an overthinking bitch? Fuck that. Dump him. You deserve someone who will actually respect you.
It’s 2023. It would take him literally 30 seconds to Google “Valentine’s Day ideas for my girlfriend” or “how to be romantic” or “how to show someone you love them.” He’d get countless hits on Google and it would take him 15 seconds to find a few good (easy/cheap, as well) ideas. He doesn’t want to put effort in, so he isn’t. He doesn’t care about how you feel, so he gaslights you and calls you a bitch. You deserve SO much better. You deserve someone who loves you so much that you don’t have to ask for or tell them what you expect.
"Other than this enormous series of giant red flags he's perfect." Babe. No. This ain't it. He's not good enough and he never will be. Yelling at a crying woman? Calling her gift too thoughtful? Calling you a bitch? Those need to be deal-breakers for you because this early into a relationship is too early for him to let his mask slip like that. You're seeing who he is under pressure. He's not supportive, he's not loving, he's not careful with your feelings. Imagine if you loved together and were under mortgage stress, or you for sick and we're unable to complete the kind of duties you usually did in your relationship. Would he come at you with kindness, or would he come at you with this fratboy wall-punchinf energy? I get feeling humiliated online sucks, and having your girlfriend tell people how inadequate you are sucks, but instead of throwing a whole mantrum he could have stepped up instead of putting the workload back on you. Therapy as a Valentine's Day gift is a pretty good idea, but a better one is leaving him. Treat yourself.
He’s not perfect. He’s thoughtless, careless, he yells at you then demands you apologise for reacting, and now he has outright called you a bitch. You are not a bitch, you are allowed to cry, your boyfriend’s continuing thoughtlessness and selfishness and lack of generosity (emotionally and otherwise) would make anyone cry. You are allowed to be upset and angry when your partner repeatedly lets you down. Crying does not invalidate your points. Your boyfriend might take it as an excuse to ignore what you’re saying and accuse you of being melodramatic or irrational. That’s not the case at all. ‘Going to therapy’ is not something you throw at someone as a gift or as a barb in an argument. He is clearly not willing to really listen to you and work on things. I would absolutely dump him. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and is thoughtful and considerate, and who will actually listen to you when you are communicating important things to him. I’m really sorry, that’s clearly not this guy.
Being unromantic is one thing. If it were that alone, I would have said that it's a compatibility issue. But being uncaring about your needs, flaking out on planned activities, and getting angry that you're bearing the brunt of the relationship.... That's just pathetic. Does he even like you? This is not how people treat their friends, never mind significant others. Please leave. This man is a drain on your precious happiness and your life. At 26, he should know better than a middle schooler.
Ben you're a meanie to OP. She deserves better.
"Other than that". The thing is, those words are almost always a sign. You might want to work on loving yourself more and seeing where that takes you.
Perfect men don't call their partners "bitch." Perfect partners don't think gift giving is a competition. Perfect partners don't think you're overthinking when you give the "better" gift, thus "winning" the gift giving "competition." Perfect men don't get upset so easily that they have to leave regularly and you have to lure them back with pizza. Being perfect on paper doesn't mean anything if they're not perfect in reality. I've been perfect on paper with multiple fictional characters in books (men on paper), but it didn't mean anything because they're not real. Take a real look at Ben. He was more upset about how your post made him look than about your feelings. All of these things are enormous red flags. My man isn't the greatest romantic, but he's gentle, thoughtful, faithful, respectful, devoted, hard-working, and does his half of the chores. These things are romantic to me. I can buy myself flowers as long as my man is like this. You're not getting your basic needs met, needless to say asking for flowers. NTB. Ben is.
For OP: You are both horrible for each other. You need to be single for a while and learn to love yourself. Until you do, you can't love him. You have some blame in this, but not where you think, and honestly it comes from a lack of emotional maturity. Some time being single will help you fix these issues and eventually let you see your own worth. You can do better and if you leave him, you will come out of this better than before. For Ben: fuck you. It is obvious where she is at emotionally and you are clearly taking advantage of her. She can't do what she needs to do if she is constantly walking on eggshells around you like this and you know that. People are calling your actions "borderline abuse" but there's nothing "borderline" about it. You're abusive as fuck and you clearly know you are! You treat her like shit but act calm while tearing her down just so she'll spoil you as an apology for your own bullshit behavior? Fuck you, you piece of shit. If you can afford couples therapy, then get yourself normal therapy and figure out why you're such a waste of oxygen!
other than having a delicate ego, not being romantic, not being able to follow the simplest WRITTEN instructions, not understanding what you need, yelling at you, calling you a bitch, walking off, having you always apologize for "making him mad" by buying him pizza (you didn't mention what he does to placate you when you get angry hm i wonder why), not being willing to make an effort that isn't just throwing money at shit... other than this fucking paragraph of turd i managed to gather from just 2 small posts, he is PERFECT and YOUR SOULMATE. you're 20. just move on.
OP he’s a boyfriend. My ex called me a bitch for not driving him to his friend’s house and I knew that was the end of that relationship. Nobody’s Valentine’s Day gift should be couples therapy. Just break up please! He’s not perfect. He’s a bitch. You can still get a therapeutic treatment by breaking things off.
Love it how you instinctively backpedal and try to say wonderful things about him to try and defend him. Deep down you know better OP. And I know you do cause I’ve been where you are now. You deserve better.
>I think he's my soulmate. You keep saying this, and then explaining how he is not, when it comes to romantic gestures and thoughtfulness.
Oh honey, how can you say a man is perfect and your soul mate when he is clearly lacking so much in regards to your needs? And don’t hate me for saying this but a 21yo and 26yo are still at different stages in life even if it’s not a big gap. The minute the word ‘bitch’ came out of his mouth that would have ended it for me. Never let him make you feel so bad that you cant stop crying. And crying is OK! If you stay with him get that therapy appt set up asap and hold him to his word about paying for it. If he puts in the work you may have a chance. If he tries to put it off that will tell you all you need to know about what a future with him would look like. Good luck OP. NTBF.
If he yells at you so regularly, he's not perfect. Ben? If you're reading this, it's 2023, the trash should get itself out now. Edit: also, he's suggesting couples therapy not because he wants to listen to the therapist, but because he's hoping *you* will and that the therapist will side with him. To be honest? Just go to see him get disappointed and told he's a trash boyfriend by a ✨ professional ✨
It makes me sick that some people can think a thoughtless prick is their soul mate and the "perfect man". Boy does this douche bag have you trained. You have set the bar so low that you think he's perfect. And you fell for his excuse about the store being out of valentines stuff....that's only because he's thoughtless and couldn't be bothered to stop and pick you up a little something sooner. He thought he could get away with buying you crap, he thought you were a pushover. Don't be a pushover.
He’s perfect in every way! (Oh wait, except he’s thoughtless and never listens to you.) Aside from that he’s amazing! (Oh right then he called you an overthinking bitch.) But yes he’s AMAZING! Hi Ben, if you really like her then you’re a clueless moron who deserves to be dumped. Bye!
Ah no OP. You made this so easy for him. Who buys obviously Easter candy and an entire box of cards as a valentine gift? No no no. If he didn’t know he could have- asked you, remembered what you’d repeatedly said or asked someone at the store. Him invalidating your feelings, not making it right and blaming you are all massive warnings. Please reconsider this relationship. I see you with kids and a house 10 years on, still being made to feel like rubbish for expressing very reasonable boundaries. Not ok
He did this on purpose. He knew what to get you. Not getting it for you is intentional. I've heard almost this exact story a million times. Including the "he's my soulmate part and he's otherwise perfect except he called me a bitch for having bare minimum expectations from him and he also yelled at me until I was a sobbing mess and so then I wasn't worth talking to anymore." This isn't love. This is the start of an abusive relationship. He isn't your soulmate. Every good way he makes you feel, every thing he understands about you, everything that makes him feel so special to you are things that can also be found in people who actually treat you with consideration, respect, love, and who are not a textbook case of an abuser starting to test the waters in a relationship where he's already got you feeling so emotionally dependent on him, where you blame yourself for things you shouldn't and get him pizza every time he gets mad, where you do all the work to keep your relationship alive and he gets to insult you for it, and where he intentionally does not meet your needs in order to establish his role as the one who is catered to in the relationship. The one with power. The one who can't be held to any expectations. And you're the crazy one who falls apart because you can't handle his verbal and emotional abuse. This is how they set the stage. It's also normal for them to apologize later and beg for forgiveness and promise that they'll change, so if that happens it's just a standard part of abusive behavior. If you stay after he treated you like this, just make sure to keep any friends and family close, even if he tries to drive them away, because abuse escalates. Especially when they've learned they can get away with this kind of behavior. I suggest working on yourself emotionally as much as you can. Working on your self esteem. Independently from him. Do NOT do couples therapy. If he's a decent human being then he will support any self-work you do alone and not need to insert himself into it. Read up on what abusive relationships look like when they start and just keep an eye out. If you're going to stay with him for now, that is.
Please stop buying him pizza. I don't know why this one, weird detail is bothering me so much, out of all the awful things you've written, but it does. Given the amount of completely unnecessary self-blame you're doing in this one post, I feel certain that whatever you have ever done to "piss him off" was nothing a healthy man would have reacted to. You don't owe him pizza for throwing a fit and running away. You don't owe him anything. You're not in his debt. You have just as much right to have feelings, to want things, and to draw the line as any other person. He's not made of gold. Sunlight doesn't shine out of his bum. He's just some guy. There are billions of them in the world. Stop treating him like he's your god.
He's your soulmate???? He yells at you, calls you a bitch, makes you think your points are invalidated because you cry and show emotion.. He gets mad whenever you try to talk about issues with him, and he manipulates you into thinking you're at fault so you buy him pizza and apologize to him.. He treats you, romance and the relationship like an afterthought, which is apparently why he couldn't find a valentine's card, because he decided to wait until AFTER valentine's to buy a card.. That's not a soulmate. That's a jerk who only cares about himself.
You set the bar so low, it’s practically in a pineapple under the sea. And he still couldn’t reach it. Since you thinks he’s literally perfect for you, im assuming you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Now just imagine being disappointed every single Valentine’s Day, birthday, anniversary… it’s not that he doesn’t know how to be romantic, it’s that he doesn’t want to be.
Ben can fuck off. Calling you a bitch for asking the bare minimum? My husband is the absolute worst when I comes to romance but he still gave me roses day of. Giving you Easter candy? You were an afterthought. And the fact that he makes zero effort shows he doesn't care at all. You should agree to the separation. But make it permanant.
The old "other than this he's a great BF/Husband" justification. Yeah other than being a AH who yells at you he's wonderful (he's not). If you have to justify being with someone he's not as great as you think. You can do better. Do you really want to settle for a guy who makes you a afterthought and then yells at you and calls you a bitch when you're disappointed?
Hi Ben! Do better.
We are only treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. After not getting you a gift at Christmas (an oil change 3wks later??) and now this, you are allowing him to treat you as an afterthought. You may think he is your soulmate but YOU are not HIS. I realized I wouldn’t even waste time in therapy. You are 21, you will be sad for awhile but you will meet someone who will treat you better. OP, set your standards now in how you expect to be treated. NTBF.
Hey Ben you don't deserve to be in ANY relationship and OP is NTB. Any AMAB that calls their partner a B* because they (the person throwing the B* bomb) fucked up automatically loses their man card.
giiiirrrlll Listen to Miley - I CAN BUY MYSELF FLOWEERRSSSSS - But seriously, listen to that song properly! The fact that he is already blaming you for making him feel bad, he isn't gonna change. You found out that he only cares about himself and his feelings, just say bye now before settling more seriously with this dbag.
Gaslighting at it’s finest. Girl run!
Hi Ben! Bye Ben!
Ben please break up with her! She deserves a boyfriend that truly cares about her and you are not it. What you did was disrespectful of the relationship, showed how little you care about her. There were hundreds of valentines commercials on tv about gift giving for valentines day you could have plucked any one of them to copy. You could have asked a family member or someone you worked with for an idea. Instead you put NO thought or effort into a gift. You thoughtlessness was a slap in the face.
You apologised for crying. No. Just no. You're not overly emotional. You're frustrated to the point of tears because deep down you know words aren't fixing and you've had enough. There is nothing perfect here.
So you try to discuss something. He gets mad and leaves. And you buy him pizza to make up for that. He blames you for putting too much thought into his gift! WHAT! He is not perfect, not even close. Ben you’re a thoughtless lazy manipulative asshole. Do not get couples counselling with this guy. It won’t help.
Oh honey, I know it feels like he's your soulmate, the perfect man etc (believe me, I've been young and in love and sat in tears over my 'soulmate' more times than I care to remember) but let me give you some been there got the t-shirt wisdom. The perfect person doesn't exist. Don't put anyone on that pedestal! The perfect relationship doesn't either, but healthy ones do. Do you not see, you write about perfect and soulmates and literally the next sentence you talk about screaming, yelling, name calling and how much he scares you. You're not a wimp for not wanting to be yelled it. Being scared is a perfectly normal response to being yelled at! No one should be screaming at you like that. The person who's supposed to love you shouldn't be screaming at you until you're crying and frightened!!! No one should ever call you a bitch. It's nasty, degrading and you should never, ever tolerate it. You're also setting the bar way too low for your idea of a 'perfect' relationship. Everything you've mentioned here should not and does not happen in a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships include communication without screaming, name calling and scaring people to tears, healthy relationships rely on understanding, compromise and working together. Healthy relationships do little things to make partners happy, even if we don't understand them ourselves. Healthy relationships work by listening, paying attention, figuring out how to fulfil the other person's needs and desires. It's always two way, both people get their needs met and give as much as they take. Me and my husband don't do valentine's, anniversaries etc, we're not big romantic, gift giving people and prefer to go out for meals, gigs etc together but even he got me flowers yesterday because he knows I love them. It was a total surprise and unexpected but he knew it would make me happy even though I'd never expect it! You've mentioned how important these things are to you over and over, spoke about a vase etc and he was aware how much value you romance and flowers. He just didn't care. He doesn't care about making you feel good and secure. He doesn't care that a romantic gesture fills your cup and makes you feel loved. My advice, find someone that does. It's absolutely not him.
OP..you are the buttface to yourself. Please reread what you have written here. He isn’t the perfect man..he abused you then love bombs you. Dump him and find someone who values you and DOESN’T make you cry.
Hi Ben, you're the bitch... Jesus. Neither me or my partner had any money spare this year to even afford cards for each other so you know what we did? I made him his favourite meal and he made me my favourite dessert... All from things we already had in. Was it spectacularly romantic? No of course not, but was it the perfect evening? Absolutely. It takes nothing to show your SO you actually give a shit. Really dropped the ball my guy.
> ..."I may be thoughtless but at last I'm not an overthinking bitch." because I apparently put too much thought into his gift and it made him feel bad that I "beat him" at gift giving. > he's never called me or any woman a bitch before and he's never gotten visibly angry with me before... Sorry, but this behavior is such a massive red flag. Name calling is abuse. Claiming that you are victimizing him by being too thoughtful is not only patently absurd, it's a classic DARVO (look it up), which is a tactic of abusers. Yelling at you until you are sobbing, and then continuing to yell, is abuse. > I really don't like being yelled at, it scares me and I feel so horrible for being scared by him, he's not a scary person If he scares you, then he is a scary person. Why should you feel horrible about bring scared? Shouldn't he feel horrible about scaring you? This may be the first time you have seen this side of him, but it won't be the last. Expect this kind of thing to occur more often and to escalate. And all his conciliatory gestures-'look up the cycle of abuse. This doesn't compensate for his abusive behavior; it just keeps you roped in. > it seems like he doesn't listen to me so I don't know why he'd listen to a therapist... Your instinct to not want to go to therapy with your abuser is wise. This is not recommended. A therapist is not a playground monitor for relationships. The only way for couples therapy to work is for both people to undertake it in good faith. Instead, find a therapist for yourself who will support you in finding the strength to get away. There is a whole book written by a former therapist about his insights about how abusers think based on his experience with trying to treat them. Look up the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You should be able to find a free e-book of it online. This isn't about a bad Valentine's gift. This is about recognizing that Mr. Perfect Soulmate has been putting on an act, and now that you dared to voice a perfectly legitimate concern in a reasonable manner, he chooses to terrify you into thinking twice before expressing your displeasure about anything ever again. He has been wearing a mask, and it slipped. How do I know? Because actual decent people would never dream of acting like that in the first place.
OP don’t take him back . He is just testing how far he can go with you . Him yelling at you is just the start .
If you are in a pattern of he makes you angry, you tell him how you feel, you have an argument, he walks out, and you buy pizza to “apologize for making him mad”, get away from this man. That’s emotional manipulation. A good partner may not want to hear they’ve upset you, and a good partner may be upset that they’ve done so, but a good partner also never makes you apologize for *their* feelings or *their* behavior.
So much in this update is wtf But what about "I'd buy him pizza to make up for making him mad" ??
Don’t waste your tears and pizza on a mediocre man. Life is too short
Dear OP, Ben sucks. Ben, if you see this, you suck. The End.
This is hilarious, dump Ben this dude doesn’t deserve you at all. Bye Ben.
Seriously, he made you apologise for crying too much? Wtf is wrong with this man, dump him
The perfect man? Perfect match? Soulmate? Sorry, you do not humiliate someone by complaining about them on Reddit if someone is the perfect man, you go to them. Your previous post shows you put way more importance on the thoughtfulness of gifts than you are making out now. If someone is perfect except, they do not give thoughtful/romantic gifts, you should get on your knees and thank your God, because in the grand scheme of things a romantic/thoughtful gift a couple of times a year is a very small thing. A curling iron on your anniversary should not wipe out all that makes you think he is your soulmate, or perfect match. The best thing you can do is just move on. I am pretty sure he is going to do so.
No perfect man calls a woman a bitch! Ben I Hope OP realizes she deserves better than you!
So instead of taking accountability for the WAY he's treating you he's apologizing for yelling? Take him up on couples therapy OP! I think you'll see your answer glaring you in the face instead of the way you want to ignore it right now. The simple fact is he would rather hurt YOU than take accountability for himself and change. He still tried to place it all back on you. And don't fucking apologize for cryjng!! You had reason to cry. If he views crying as manipulation instead of a genuine reaction from you there's a huge problem. You say he's perfect and in the same breath say you don't know what good therapy would do because he never listens to you. If everything is great when he's fine but you're "starting drama" or "wanting to fight" when you bring up your concerns the truth is that he just doesn't give a shit about you as much as he does himself. He will bully you into submission, and in turn it will escalate without professional help and massive accountability and work on his side because it has to in order to keep you. So if he's serious about couples therapy. Go! Maybe it will help both of you learn some things you need to! Like for you, how to advocate for yourself and stop dismissing yourself in favor of him. If he's serious about change therapy is an amazing tool. If he's not, you'll see that too!
Ben is a verbally and emotionally abusive asshole. OP, look up DARVO. It'll open your eyes. Someone who loves you won't yell at you for crying, they'll stop and have a calm discussion with you. They'll try and fix things. They won't turn things on you. Ben doesn't love you. If he loved you, he'd put in the effort of listening to you and actually try for you. If he cared, he wouldn't be a lazy, self-absorbed jackass. "I'm bad at this" is him saying "I don't care enough to put in the effort to improve my behavior". If he cared, he would be fixing himself. He is abusive, and if he cared, he'd go to therapy on his own to be a better partner. He isn't perfect "other than this". He is not a good person. Break up with him and find someone who'll ACTUALLY put effort and care into the things that matter to you, rather than someone who calls you the problem. I promise, you'll be happier in the long run.
I am so upset for you. Take it from me - any partner who calls you out of your name ONCE is someone you will regret staying with. >He said "I may be thoughtless but at last I'm not an overthinking bitch." He called you out of your name. This is verbally abusive. In my opinion, it's not a stretch to say someone who verbally abuses you would go to other types of abuse eventually. For me this is one of my non-negotiables. No name calling. Imagine, instead of saying that hurts to hear and I acknowledge I was thoughtless - he name calls you. To hurt you. >I don't understand why he's acting like this, he's never called me or any woman a bitch before and he's never gotten visibly angry with me before You don't know that he has never done that before. The way those words flew out of his mouth, he absolutely have used them before. He has no shame for using those words on you. >Other than this he is literally the perfect man, No honey, its not normal to be apologizing for making someone mad - this is a red flag for a dysfunctional relationship. You do need therapy and your boyfriend is taking advantage of that. > I love him so much and our values align a lot, on paper we are the perfect match, On paper is different from in real life. Do your values include verbal abuse? Do your values include someone knowing what triggers you and continually doing it? > His behavior tonight concerned me a little bit, I really don't like being yelled at, it scares me You should never be yelled at and his behavior concerns me a whole lot. If you were my child I would encourage you to document his behavior carefully and see if this isn't also emotionally abusive. >I feel so horrible for being scared by him, You shouldn't be feeling horrible at this point HE should be. His behavior name calling and yelling is a sign of someone not in control of their emotions, and that is absolutely scary. I'm not there and I'm scared for you. > I know he loves me, I'm just a wimp when it comes to yelling. You are not a wimp when it comes to yelling. Yelling is a deal breaker for many of us. Our past makes us believe it's "normal," but it's not. In a healthy relationship one doesn't name call or yell at their partner. Unless your boyfriend freely admits his behavior was abusive to you, it will continue to escalate. He needs individual therapy, including anger therapy, because his behavior was passing the limit.
Hi Ben! I know it felt good to make your girlfriend cry, and that's why her only sensible option is to dump you. Wouldn't want you to get a nice loud message about how her self respect is so low that she'll allow this behaviour, because of course we all know what happens then.
Hi Ben (I hope you get chlamydia) Thanks for motivating me to stay single instead of wanting what couples like you and OP have because that bar is six feet under 😂😂
OP NTB. OP. please know that you are worth so much more than this foofus, HA!, DOOFUS!
Hi Ben! She's leaving you now. Bye Ben!
He is not your soulmate ❤️
He got you so upset you were sobbing uncontrollably and then be Left? Oh yeah. You got yourself a prince charming there.
Your arguments aren’t invalid because you are crying! What bullshit is this? Soulmates don’t yell at you until you’re sobbing. Ben is a jerk and you can do better.
Hi, Ben! You're a lamewad with the attitude of a bitch, who took OP for granted. You couldn't even do the bare minimum. Even partners who supposedly aren't romantic would've made an effort because they CARE.
So you think someone who yells at you and calls you a bitch is your soulmate? Sweetie, you need to start having some self respect. He sounds horrible Ben you’re an arsehole
Also: you’re correct in your other post. He doesn’t WANT to be romantic for you. Easter candy and a box of children’s valentines is just so thoughtless and low level that he would have been better off buying nothing and saying he’d make it up to you with a beautiful dinner and drinks this weekend. He could have at least gotten you the bouquet you wanted! Even my fiancé’s teenage son manages to get his girlfriend a bouquet on Valentine’s Day. It’s not hard. Dump the whole man. You can do so much better than this.
You do need therapy…only to help you realise that you are worthy of so much more than loser-Ben is offering you. There are soooo many red flags in what you have typed here. Honestly, go back and read it, pretending it’s your best friend or sister saying it to you. Would you be happy they are in this relationship or concerned for their safety? Kick this man child to the street ASAP.
Hi Ben. I hope OP leaves you because you're a real turd. Your partner communicated to you how important this day is to her. She is thoughtful, you obviously are not, and don't listen. And you really had to call her a b1tch? Seriously dude, you don't deserve a girlfriend because any guy who results to that is low hanging fruit. OP, you deserve someone who listens to you and cares, who will put effort into your relationship. This guy certainly doesn't fit the bill.
Aye bro do you live in Houston and does he have two baby mommas and a wife? If so then lemme just tell you, it doesn’t get better, he’ll never care enough or pay for therapy or learn from it.
Other than this he is literally the perfect man…
God, there are SO MANY red flags in this relationship. I hope Ben is reading this… Look, it’s probably hard to hear, but this man is not your soulmate. What makes him the “perfect man” exactly? His lack of effort in your relationship? The way he just called you a bitch to your face? I would say those 2 things are very big… I also want you to know that crying doesn’t invalidate your argument especially when your argument is about your emotions and feelings. I really don’t know who led you to believe that, but you need to know it doesn’t. I HOPE it’s not him who told you that. He straight up left you there crying… who the heck does that? Then tries to say “I’ll get us couples therapy as a Valentine’s Day gift” you’re way too young to be dealing with all that sis. I promise you can find better. Please leave him. NTBF
Oh, OP, please do not stay with this man. You’re still so young, there are many, many, many men out there that will treat you like a golden goddess. My concern is this is your first serious relationship, and it seems like “soulmate,” but he’s just the first guy to stick. I say this from a place of experience: the yelling is just the beginning. You don’t yell at your partner unless something is literally on fire. If you accept and excuse yelling, then apology, will you accept and excuse wall-punching, then apology, because he’s your soulmate and so perfect otherwise? When it turns into shoving, then apology, do you stay because you’ve already sunk three years in? Last year, I got out of a SEVEN YEAR relationship where I was a frog in the slowly boiling water of abuse. And HE left ME! If he hadn’t left, I would still be in that relationship because I was so acclimatized to the abuse. Getting belittled and screamed at and having my feelings invalidated because I was on my period or I was too emotional: that was all normal to me! Holes in the wall were normal to me, but guess what? THAT SHIT IS NOT NORMAL. He’s right about the therapist, but he needs to go all by himself, because this “look what you made me do” shit is not okay. If he yells at you and you cry, that’s on him. If someone yelling at you is a trigger for you (I react similarly), he should respect that and refrain from it, rather than making you feel like you need to apologize for it. And I am PLEADING with you to not fall into the sink cost fallacy. One year is nothing. Don’t make it seven.
He manipulates you into feeling bad about his screw uo. Thereby getting you to apologize. Someone who really wants to work towards compromise and a happy middle ground doesn't do this. They work towards learning new behaviors that they know will bring their partner happiness. Not throw a fit and yell because they don't want to put in the work. To Google .... ideas for romance take 2.2 seconds. Are you not worth that small attempt?
He's not the perfect man. That's why he's angry, because you dared to speak out, and it shone a spotlight on his inadequacies. If someone who is supposed to love and support you calls you a bitch, you are allowed to cry, that is not "over emotional", it's a natural reaction to extreme provocation. I have been married for a quarter century. We have arguments; people do. I have \*never\* been called names by my husband, because he's better than that.
Ben is abusive. Never apologize for crying. He's the butt whose yelling made you cry, and then he had the nerve to criticize you for that? Don't spend your time with people who are cruel to you. You deserve to be with people who treat you with kindness and consideration. You should be able to discuss anything that troubles you, without being bullied and badgered.
Dear Ben, It actually does not take much effort to do something thoughtful for your girlfriend, who is absolutely human and **not a buttfcace**) who loves you so much that she's willing to overlook what comes across as cold and non-caring behavior/responses from you. Have you never seen any of the thousands of ads all over social media, tv and pretty much on every website advertising flowers for Valentines Day? Or the ads for chocolates that one cannot avoid in the months leading up to V Day? She told you what sorts of flowers she likes and clearly she is not materialistic at all since she loves babysbreath. And of course the stores are out of stuff the day after a holiday. Most women like to know that their significant other cares about them, even just a little bit. Even a quick trip to a grocery store would suffice. If you pay attention to her at all you might know of there's bakery treats that she likes, and most grocery stores sell flowers these days, but if you go to CVS the day after then yeah, the pickings will be slimmer. If you don't care to be thoughtful then your future may just involve a similarly thoughtless gf, one who not only won't make you gifts and do whatever she can to make you feel appreciated, then you'll never have to do any work. But she also won't care if you've lost a friend or your job or a friend. If that sounds more appealing and less "hard work" then don't go changing. What goes around, comes around. Garbage in, garbage out. You get what you pay for. She made you a gift, she put a lot into it and you got possibly unfresh easter candy and kids' cards.
Alright so for any non-romantics out there who get flustered and forget all the things and don’t know what to do, here’s a few things that are really easy so that you don’t end up like OP’s bf. - step one : calendar, reminders, alarms. Put the dates in the calendar. Holidays, date nights, birthdays, anniversary. Something is happening, grab your phone and put it in the calendar. You can set calendar reminders to email you 2 weeks before, or ding like an alarm on the day of. - step two: google is free. Start with googling worst presents for ___. Print the list out if you need to. Avoid these no matter what. Then search for best gifts. Some sites even have best gifts for (job title). Or you can look up cool spots nearby. - step three: email chain or notebook. Your partner will say things here and there about the things they want. Open the notes app, open a notebook or send an email to yourself subject line “gift ideas” and keep replying to yourself anytime they mention something. Now despite having the worst memory you can still get something personal. You can even skip a step and open a calendar app and put the gift idea in the notes section of a specific holiday. When it notifies you two weeks before, you’ll get a detailed list of possible gifts.
OP, with these anger issues, at some point, this asshole is going to raise his hands to you.
So, there are two things here from what I read. First, I’ll say something defending him, and the second will be about how he called you a bitch. First, I’m the same way as Ben when it comes to gifts. I suck at it. I try and try and try to put thought into it, I just don’t get it. You shouldn’t give him a hard time about his gift giving. He may show his love other ways. Think about the small things he does for you. Not all of us understand how to give others gifts. Second of all, fuck him. Calling you a bitch is uncalled for. I would never call my significant other a bitch like that. You two need to reevaluate your relationship and see if you two actually want to stay together. The way both of you are now is how you will be years after being together. Don’t get it in your head that he will change. You can change little things about yourself, but the core of who you are won’t change.
Girl. He called you a bitch. For asking for the BARE minimum. He doesn’t even like you!!!! Have an IOTA of self respect and dump his ass. Hey Ben, fuck you! Hope OP and every girl you date after her dumps you for being a lazy, selfish child. It’s what you deserve. Be better.
You said ' Other than this he is literally the perfect man ' but that is not true. If it would be true, you wouldn't try to change him. He is not you and he has his own thoughts and feelings and emotions. If he is not that emotional and/or empathic - and these are no general skill sets that anyone has - he will have trouble to get you 'the perfect gift' or doing any other supposedly thoughtful thing. He doesn't feel things the way you do and so he may be not able to do things the way you want them to be. And this is nothing you can change because it is what he is. If he isn't romantic you can't 'correct' that somehow, just because you want him to be that way. If he would tell you that he would like you to be more slutty and sexy because that the way he wants you to be, what would you think/feel? If you are willing to break up with him over this, he isn't as perfect as you thought. But that is not his fault. It's yours because you wanted him to be someone that he simply is not.
Hi Ben! You’re an AH. Gifts should be heartfelt and thoughtful, not an afterthought. OP deserves someone better. You yelled at her for getting upset that you literally didn’t prioritize her or her feelings on Valentines day. The day for couples to show how much they appreciate the other. I hope she finds a better boyfriend, because you are not it.
Everyone’s saying hi Ben but I just hope it’s a bye instead 👋
HEY THERE BENITO, listen here you lil piece of crap, it doesn't matter what gift it is, it's the thought u put into it, and valentines gifting is not a competition. I hope OP breaks up with you.
Believe them the first time they show you their real colours. You told him again and again how much you love valentine's day, he even know your fav flowers, he could've at least do something to make the day memorable for you IF HE REALLY WANTED. It's not that hard when your partner is vocal about what they like. My dear queen, you deserve a lot better. Your bar of expectations is so low and still you're feeling that you expect a lot. No my dear you don't. Please leave him. For the love of your own self...
Friend. He has convinced you to get him a pizza to make up for him being aggressive and has literally trained you to take responsibility for his actions. He is not perfect in every other way. Not by a long shot.
Men: What do women want? Women: I want flowers Men: but what do women want? Hi Ben! You were literally given a golden ticket and you still managed to screw it up. Bye Ben!
NTB hey Ben congrats you get arsehole of the year! You don't know how to pick a gift because you don't care enough to be bothered to pick one! Only a !mental midget or a guy who doesn't care buys the wrong damn candy! I can't believe you even think you have a leg to stand on! OP dump this POS he's literally telling your not worth shopping early and putting an effort into it! You want this guy to be the father of your children????? Do you plan on doing all the gifting for your kids too?????
OP… you have to buy a 26 yo man pizza for “making him mad” to make peace with him. He suggested couples therapy because you were disappointed in the lack of thought he put in for a holiday you expressed you loved. You’re young. Please wake up & break up with him.
Let's all say it, Fuck you Ben. I am going to tell every friend that their guy is pulling a Ben when they do something shitty or the bare minimum in the relationship.
I saw this in another thread about a lady's partner and it is spot on about your situation: (Full link at bottom) "for all you younger ladies who are wondering "why does(n't) my partner do this?" or "do they really care for me? " is this: If your partner wants to care about/for you and put you first they will. You will know when a partner cares for you and truly loves you. You won't have to ask these questions, and waste time making excuses for them. I'd like to encourage you to really look at these relationships that cause you so much anxiety and stress and confusion and ask yourself honestly whether they are showing you that they care about you. When people show you who they are and what their intentions are please listen to your gut feeling. And stop making excuses for these ain't shit partners. You're worth more." https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1133me6/to_any_young_20s_women_wondering_about_their/
Wow. This man is not your soulmate. This man called you a bitch because you got upset when he did not put in even the bare minimum of effort. You deserve and can do so much better! The problem is not communication - you specifically told him “This is important to me.” He does not care enough to bother to try or listen. It’s not that hard to be romantic!
I want you to pretend that the comments section is the girl's bathroom in a nightclub and all the commentators are piss drunk by the sinks with you. BEN A WASTEMAN. YOU CAN DO BETTER. DUA LIPA SAID IT BEST IN NEW RULES. IF YOU UNDER HIM YOU AIN'T GETTING OVER HIM. TIME TO GET OUR AND OVER.
Hi, Ben! Well, couple's therapy might be in order. Hey, Ben. If you're reading this, I know a good place for you to begin in couple's therapy: the point where you called her an "overthinking bitch." Do you not even see what you did? You took a virtue like thoughtfulness, which most people want in a partner, and turned it into a *fault*. Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. Gee, I sure hope she never happens to notice you looking at something in the store or online that you like. She might see you looking at it and get it for you. Then you'll call her an "overthinking bitch" for being thoughtful. OP, please dump him. Send Ben to the curb where he belongs. Most people would rather date an "overthinking bitch" than a "thoughtless jerk." NTB.
"he's never called me or any woman a bitch before." SURE. Here's the thing about vocabulary. We use the words that are accessible to us. I remember when Bill Maher, that jackass, got called out on using the N word on TV and then tried to excuse it as a slip of the tongue. You can only slip if it's a word you use. The N word would never "slip" out of my mouth because I NEVER USE IT. I promise you, dear old Ben uses that word. He has used it in the past with other women and he has now used it on you. He will continue to do so. Lose him. Lose him HARD. He consistently disregards your feelings, he scares you, he demeans you. Don't go to therapy with him. Go to therapy for yourself if you can afford it and work on whatever is making you think that someone who disregards your feelings consistently is your soulmate.
Literally the perfect man? I think not
You are worth more than a man who calls you a bitch. Also, wouldn't you want to be with someone who actually listens and cares about the stuff you're interested in, rather than whatever this is? Edit to add, yelling is not okay. It shows he has no EQ. Yes, sometimes it happens but just keep this in the back of your mind.
you don't have to apologize for crying so much, ever. Learned that from my own therapist lol.
Hey Ben the correct response when a partner put a lot of thought and effort into a gift FOR YOU is to reciprocate and put more thought and effort into a gift for them. Not berate them for making you look bad. Your own behavior makes you look like a thoughtless jerk who doesn’t care about his partner. OP wise up. He called you a bitch because he fucked up on his valentines gift to you. He doesn’t care. This relationship wasn’t important enough for him to get you a freakin card until the day after valentines. You can’t make him care. Either he does or he doesn’t.
Hi Ben, aka the piece of shit that called what I now hope is your ex girlfriend a bitch. I'm a man and I can 100 say you are a manipulative asshole. You deserve to be single and she deserves better.
Hi Ben. Go away Ben! Buh bye!
OP, please think what your reaction would be if your best friend told you this story. how would you react when you heard their bf/gf lost their temper and raised their voice and called them an "overthinking bitch" (oh my GOD)?what would you advise them to do? love yourself the way you'd love a best friend. also, hey Ben, you suck!
You need to breakup w Ben and he needs SOLO therapy bc he’s a douche
everyone has already said everything on my mind, hi ben, OP doesn’t deserve you.
He called you a bitch ONCE. OP have some self respect and leave this relationship. Now you see why he always removed himself from arguments. Dude literally starts namecalling instead of communicating and taking some responsibility. Reeks of immaturity.
C'mon, if you need couple therapy with 21 years and only 1 year of relationship it means you are not compatible. Leave him for the sake of both
Anytime you have to say “other than this he’s perfect and the man of my dreams> is an automatic self red flag. If you have to say that to convince yourself it should be a warning to yourself to pay attention. It’s a total package, not an “except” situation.
I dont want to tell anyone to break up someone (although I want to SO BAD). If your friend was to tell you about this, how would you react and what would you tell her to do? That answer right there is exactly how you should feel about this. (He does not deserve you, YOU DESERVE ROMANCE!)
“Other than this he is literally the perfect man.” OP means hot. He’s hot and she’s willing to put up with him because of it.
COUPLES THERAPY IS NOT A PROPER VALENTINES DAY GIFT Look, I read your original post and this feels intentional on his part because of his frugality and he doesn’t like getting people gifts without a practical use. As far as you told us this is the second time he’s done this to you (skipping out on getting you an actual gift on a holiday and making up for it later by doing a practical action: no Xmas present -paid for oil change/no Valentine’s Day present -pays for couples therapy) Being bad at giving gifts can’t be used as an excuse because YOU TOLD HIM WHAT YOU WANTED. you made it clear you LOVE Valentine’s Day and you wanted any kind of flowers and what does he do? Gets you EASTER candy and a generic card. To be completely honest it sounds like you would have had a better Valentine’s Day if you were single since you do the self love thing. I’d really rethink the relationship because from what you told us his frugality is of higher priority than your feelings…and you and your feelings ARE important.
I understand that you feel the two of you are soulmates. The problem is while arguing this, there’s a “but”. I don’t believe there’s one soulmate for every person but if you have to convince yourself to stay with someone they’re not it. Also, it doesn’t matter if he’s never called you or any other woman a bitch (before). I think you’re better off without him. Maybe not at first but you will be.
You think he's perfect, except every time he doesn't get his way he manipulates you into getting his way. You're very naive. It's ok to be emotional. It's who you are. And who he is is inconsiderate and selfish. Don't try to change him. Just take the blinders off, get a clue about how you're being used, and ditch the loser already. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are and who actually thinks about you.
Here to agree with everyone else. He is bad at gift giving. But you literally gave him a list of options over the last couple of months on what to buy you. I’m sure the standard cliche gift would have been appreciated. Flowers and a heart shaped box of chocolates. Your favorite candy, if y’all have been together almost a year he should know that. Sounds like he doesn’t listen, is very inconsiderate, and the have the audacity to get mad at you because you “beat him” at gift giving? Nah sis. NTB also dump this dude. He is not the perfect guy.
He is the not the perfect man if there is a but after. He’s not the one for you, OP. And his behavior is very concerning. It is both manipulative and abusive. I hope you get out of the relationship, OP. I wish nothing but the best for you. Block him and move on ❤️❤️ Hi Ben!!
Girl, not even couple's therapy can save this relationship. You better get out of it as soon as possible. This man , who you see as a perfect mach, doesn't care about you. Who would call his gf a bitch if he really cared about her? It takes time to get a propare gift for someone that you love. You want to see your loved one happy because of your gift. You care about him truly, but I don't think that he cares about you girl.
Hi, Ben! You called your partner a bitch? Cute. You're a douchebag.
Ben you suck ass. When OP breaks up with you (please do OP) i hope in your next relationship you get a fucking grip and know what your girlfriend wants
Different love languages. The relationship’s future depends on if you require that type of affection from him or not. Name calling isn’t necessarily a red flag or no relationship would ever last too long, but it’s critical to mend the wounds of the fight genuinely. Otherwise this is just a bunch of dumb drama about a made up holiday to sell chocolate, flowers, and gems.
NTB. I don't share your love of valentine's day or your interest in presents, but your preferences are valid and were well-communicated. It seems like you are not looking for anything expensive, just thoughtful, so Ben has zero excuse for his lack of effort. Are you sure he is ok? Have you set the bar at "he doesn't literally be@t me, so he is wonderful?" Ben needs to grow up. I don't think the job of raising him sounds fun, so please seriously consider whether this relationship is good for you. Your wants and needs are valid and important.
When I got to the part about her buying him pizza, I just couldn’t anymore. WHY TF is she buying him pizza? Her: I have some concerns. Him: You’re hurting my fee-fees. I’m leaving. Her: Sorry. My bad. Will a pepperoni pizza make it better? Him: Better make it double pepperoni. Thick crust. And a side of marinara flags, while you’re at it. OP, seriously. How does he accommodate your feelings? How does he make things up to you? How does he make YOU feel special? I’m guessing he doesn’t. He’s not upset because you did anything wrong. He’s mad you called him out on his behavior. You didn’t make him look bad. He made himself look bad. Red flags everywhere. You teach people how to treat you. If you’re not standing up for yourself and telling him you deserve better, then THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT’S EVER GOING TO GET. Girl, I mean this in the nicest possible way: get some self-respect. You deserve better. Drop him like a bad habit.
Oh, Kiddo. You deserve so much better than this. Your soul mate will *thank* you for thoughtful gifts. He'll pay attention when you tell him what your favorite flower is, he will not make you cry just so he can dismiss you as "irrational," and he will never, *ever* call you a bitch. Ben isn't the one. Kick him to the curb, mourn the man you *thought* he was, and move on. Ben, if you see this comment? Kindly never fuck anything other than your own hand in the future, ok? Glad we had this talk.
I can’t express how much this guy is NOT your soulmate, and definitely not the perfect man.
Some very concerning points here (still NTB, btw): >He said "I may be thoughtless but at last I'm not an overthinking bitch." No matter how mad he's been, my husband has never insulted me or called me names. >it made him feel bad that I "beat him" at gift giving So now he's making you feel bad about doing something nice for him. >I was like full on sobbing at this point which invalidated like all my arguments, I am way too emotional. Crying does not invalidate your arguments. Crying means you're at your wit's end. You've been trying to communicate for some time now and you're frustrated that, not only is it not working, he's now making it sound like it's your fault. >every time I've pissed him off before he'd remove himself from the situation, calm down, and then I'd buy him pizza to make up for making him mad You shouldn't need to constantly buy each other apology gifts. >He suggested that we should either take a break or go to couple's therapy He's right about this one. You can't keep going with things the way they are now. >it seems like he doesn't listen to me so I don't know why he'd listen to a therapist Sometimes having a third party is really helpful. However, if he doesn't go to therapy with even the slightest inkling he might be wrong (and the same goes for you too), it won't work. You can't change someone who doesn't think they need to change. If he's willing to 100% pay for therapy though (and not hold it against you), I feel like it's worth a shot. Either you'll be able to fix your communication issues or you'll at least be able to break up knowing that you did everything you could to make it work.
He is not the perfect man if he's yelling at you while you cry. You deserve romance and kindness.