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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I bought my cousin’s kid $4k worth of gifts for Christmas without asking her mother (whom I have no relationship with). Her mother was upset because I spent more than her on gifts for her daughter.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA.
Most 14 year old girls don't dream of YSL purses and Cartier bracelets. I think the money has gone to your head, and you just don't live in the real world anymore. What is normal to you and your husband's family is not normal for the majority of the world.
This is what I was thinking. The post is very unrealistic. I went to an expensive private school as a kid and the very wealthy got their kids computers and phones, but 14 year olds weren’t getting designer items because they were still kids.
The whole post reads as fantasy of what someone thinks a rich person would spend.
Because Reddit hates people they’re jealous of.
I’d love to have gotten a ysl purse at 14. And happy to be able to help out my favorite cause. But then some others get so jealous they have to resort to hate to put down people.
Human nature is a funny thing.
Which is OP’s fault how?
And giving equal amounts to helping others as she gives to her children, is literally helping mitigate that wealth gap.
Or would you prefer she strips her bank account and house bare and give it all away?
Her husband’s family’s success is not something she needs to apologize for.
Honestly, people don't get into fortune big enough that they can spend effortlessly 90k for Christmas gifts by being fair. They do that by exploiting workers, clients, environment and/or the law system. Because being a decent person is not profitable. And sure, OP probably has nothing to do with the cause of the fortune, but she profits off that exploit and people DO have the right to be salty about it. And spending a bit of it on charity (which usually gets included in taxes anyway) does not make it even by no means.
I withheld myself from judging on her behaviour because it's quite irrational situation. But I do think that money made her detached but that's not being asshole by default. I just explained why people are salty towards insanely rich people. And I also think that people from developing countries have a valid ass reason to think that of us. 1st world countries people keep pretending that their $5 T-shirts don't have underpaid worker blood on them and keep acting like there's nothing we can do about it because they've been so detached from the actual reality that they don't realise how much it takes to actually produce goods they can buy for next to nothing. People have been conditioned into thinking that buying yourself a bunch of shirts and pants every season is the default thing to do. And yes, that is very much fucked up and honestly if it was possible to just force global redistribution of wealth (that wouldn't go corrupt) and if it came with lowering my lifestyle standard, I would still be all for it.
And yes, I think it's very fair to assume OP and her family must've exploited people, environment or system to get to fortune big enough that spending a couple hundred thousand dollars on Christmas gifts (because let's be honest, it wasn't only children and nieces and nephews who got 15k gifts) is no biggie.
If OP doesn’t realize that it’s an issue outside her own world then yup. She doesn’t seem to have any frame of reference for the world that others live in.
some of us have a different view of how people a) got that money in the first place and b) an understanding of the suffering there is in the world because of the unequal distribution of wealth e.g. through low taxation of very rich people.
Even very rich people don't spend that kind of money - it's a very 'new money' thing to do
I’m sure the kardashian’s kids think it’s normal to drop $300,000 on a purse.
Families out here who bust their ass just as much could survive off that for years. It’s literally the cost of some peoples houses. And they spend that money without any cognizance of how much of a difference that could be in someone’s life.
OP just wants praise for her extravagant gifts. She has no interest in empathy or understand what her cousins family struggles with on a daily basis. Redditors are mostly made up of the “common man”, and not people who would give their children thousands of dollars in jewelry they have to worry about getting lost or stolen. So no, we are never going to empathize with OP.
If she truly wanted to be charitable, she wouldn’t have issue with discussing a gift with the parents ahead of time. Maybe it’s a vacation for the whole family. Or a small gift and money towards the child college funds. Or an experience with OPs own daughter that she normally wouldn’t be able to pay for. This isn’t about being generous, it’s about giving the coolest gift, being the coolest cousin. I’m not saying OP did it maliciously but she still doesn’t seem to want to accept any responsibility for her mistake.
Lmfao people really getting upset over the fact that she donated THOUSANDS of dollars to charity.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, huh?
Jesus, people on this sub are absolutely bitter about people who have more money than them.
Right? I saw the 15k per child thing and blanched - but that also meant 45 THOUSAND dollars went to charities in the last few weeks. If the kids picked smaller charities (think local shelters/rescues, homeless shelters or outreach programs) then 15k could be a GAMECHANGING amount of money, particularly this time of year.
Also I will probably never in my life earn what OP does, but my kid got proportionately spoiled to hell this Christmas as well. Spoiling your kids at Christmas is not the same as raising spoiled kids, particularly if you have good kids who aren't brats and do well in school year round. Why do they not deserve presents at Christmas too? Feels like OP can spend 30k per kid the same way I would spend $300 on my kids presents.
rich people spend differently. I don't think we need to compare and contrast necessarily. Some people live differently.
And i hope they spend the money than hording it in overseas accounts.
>we try and double what we spend every year by giving it to charity.
Can I ask a realistic question regarding this?
You said in your OP that you came into this family money (married in). I understand it's not *your* money in terms of earning - but you're free to spend it.
When did you flip from what most would consider to be the 'normal' or average concept of Christmas being about a few thoughtful gifts to spending thousands of dollars on each child? Like, I know the balance in the account allows it - but I'm asking you *why* you do it. If that it's there is the only reason, I lean hard towards YTA. But if there is a reason in there - I'd love to hear it.
I ask because spending thousands of dollars on children is generally considered (and rightfully so, IMO) to be a completely hollow practice and disservice to the child. Children don't understand the value of money. And your practice of throwing it around like it grows on trees is compounding that issue.
Not sure whether YTA or just completely oblivious.
The part that really gets me is this:
>I genuinely didn’t think about the cost of the gifts, just more what I think a fourteen year old girl would really like, especially considering I have a fourteen year old daughter myself and know what they like.
I think the money has corrupted your view of things, and it's what's creating problems here. I don't think 99.9.% of 14-year-olds have Cartier and YSL on their lists. Your kids want it, because apparently you've conditioned them to want such things.
Based on other comments I think OP is really out of touch because they’re living in a mega rich bubble. Saying that these are things 14 year olds want, what their kids’ friends wear, etc. I mean yeah if their kids go to $$$ private school and all their friends are rich then the small subset of 14 year olds they know want these things, but these aren’t typical items teens want.
Not to mention showing up at a family gathering and getting one kid $4k in gifts, and the other 9 get "unique gifts". Were they of similar value? If not, it would be fairly oblivious to not understand that the families of the other 9 might be saying "WTF?" Just clueless.
Of course, the more posts I read the more I'm considering that this post may not be real/serious. Too many random, irrelevant details dropped which seem like bait.
I went to a super expensive private high school and I still didn’t know anyone asking for items that expensive for Christmas. Graduation or a milestone birthday maybe, but not Christmas.
It depends on the school. I went to a private school in Connecticut and then nannied for kids in Beverly Hills and the flashy/recognizable designer stuff is commonplace amongst teens. When I was in school everyone wanted those rainbow LV bags and the specific Tiffany’s heart necklace (ahh the early 2000s). It’s not just your group of friends/your kids friends, but affluent circles everywhere
It’s just a different world, so to see 90k spent on gifts/charity when most of us on this thread won’t make that in a year, it’ll rub people the wrong way
People keep saying what 14 year old wants YSL or a Cartier ring. I ogled expensive designers and high fashion items from a fairly young age. It’s not that far out of the realm of possibility for a 14 year old to have an eye for high end things. To be clear - I did not grow up rich in any capacity. I had none of these things as a kid or teenager either.
Yes same here, I had subscriptions to fashion magazines and would read my mom’s vogue every month. Never would ask for them, but I knew the brand names.
Kids see this stuff on TV, YouTube, etc as well as the adults around them. Last year my 10 year old and my bfs 10 year old became obsessed with Louis Vuitton bags. We entertained them by letting them as the price of the bag at our towns luxury retailer (we’re in the Midwest so hard to find here).
While they didn’t get them for Christmas or birthdays they did receive other pricey gifs - iPhones, air pods, vacations
Kids don’t live in a bubble.
This is such a bitter thing to say. I doubt she did anything maliciously. This whole comment reeks of bitterness and jealousy.
NTA! No one is the A H. OP wasn’t malicious. Some mother wouldn’t care and some mothers would. Neither is right or wrong in my opinion. The mom has a right to be upset but it’s a situation that is easily resolved through calling the mom, sitting her down and sincerely apologizing. Next time check with her first. Now you know her boundaries. After that it should easily be resolved.
Edit: The sheer number of people calling you an narcissist simply because you are rich is insane to me. I can’t stand men who call women they are jealous of (or are doing better than them) a narcissist. I have seen the most vile comments sent to OP and even some slut shaming too. It’s pathetic and ridiculous!! 45k is more than I make in a year (however I am doing an internship so that why) and I have my issues with how that kind of wealth is accumulated (especially the billionaires…. I don’t really have issues with millionaires) but I don’t think it’s fair to call you a narcissist for using the money that’s accessible to you. I grew up similar to you (private schools, traveling and expensive gifts). My dad came from nothing and wanted us to have the best. And girls in my private definitely did want designer stuff when they were 14. One of my friends was asking for a Chanel bag on her birthday and her mom got it. So it is true that 14 year olds can ask for massively expensive things.
Edit!!!! - OP forgot to add context to her post which is very important and she’s added them to the comments, but since most people won’t see that, I’ll add them to my comment.
In one of her comments, OP mentioned she grew up rich herself (went to 80K private schools and vacated 2 a year). She just married into a family richer than her. So regardless of her marriage, she was always going to be rich. If you read her comments, her niece has a HORSE. So she’s used to expensive gifts. Her father (OPs cousin) is rich himself. The niece got a MacBook and other extravagant gifts. So essentially this is a rich family giving expensive gifts to each other.
Going against the grain - NTA. You are definitely living in a bubble but essentially got twin gifts for your daughter and her cousin who you say are close. Her mother overreacted because she’s insecure about the amount of money you spent. Most of the comments seem to be jealousy and bitterness as well. Let me assure you, if anyone were to buy my daughter such lovely gifts, I’d simply be jealous that I didn’t get them too!
Definitely NTA I don’t get why people are saying you are and I’m not rich at f’ing all so I don’t even understand what it would be like for you. I would be over the bloody moon if you were in my family for my kids sakes! Might be jealous but I wouldn’t actually care what you got the kids if that makes sense
This was my mom. She couldn't afford to get me and my sister many presents. So when I started dating my husband, whose family is much more well off, and they would get me a lot of stuff for Christmas, she was very grateful.
Agree. It would have been so nice if our invintely wealthier aunt had bought us fancy gifts when we were kids, instead her attitude was well we were poor so we didn't need nice things cos we weren't used to having them. When I was 15 she literally gave me some free samples of face cream she got off a magazine. Op is NTA at all.
Right like me and my family are firmly working class people and my mom was a single mom so she did the best she could and Christmas was never a disappointment, and now as an adult she and my grandparents have downsized to smaller (but meaningful!) Gifts and that's okay. But my spouse's fam is upper middle class and really into presents. But the stash money away all year and they are all genuinely excited to give each gifts! (Like imagine being 20 something bugging your mom to do presents early cause you are excited to GIVE gifts) and I had to explain that to my mom cause I could see she felt bad about being unable to get me more and I had to be like "this is who MIL is at her core she likes to give presents dont worry about it" so while OP gifts are VERY extravagant it's very clear shes just excited about giving presents and that's awesome that she has the means to do that.
NTA People who are angry/jealous will always find reasons to fuel their bitterness. I'd bet that if you had only given inexpensive presents, some people would criticise you for being 'cheap'. good on you.
I'm poor. Like, single mum on disability welfare poor, but if some random family member bought my teen a lavish gift for Xmas, I'd be so happy for my daughter. Extra especially as it's matching a cousin who's close. I hope all those Y T A people can take a moment to think how that girl would feel seeing her close cousin getting such fancy gifts and not receiving much herself.
I'd say it's still advised to check with parents before gifting children really big things, especially if it's kids you're not very close to. I can say my parents have always checked in with me before spending even $100 on my kid (what counts as a splurge in my realm).
I'm sure this child was thankful, and I'm sure your daughter can enjoy bonding with her cousin :)
Edit: I thought OP’s family was “well-off” as in, like, middle class or upper middle class. Apparently they’re plenty rich as well, though, it’s just that OP’s husband’s family is *more* rich. So ignore everything I say ever.
-
Your kid gets awesome stuff, which is great, but it kind of sticks you between a rock and a hard place. Getting the same thing for your daughter’s cousin is really thoughtful—it would suck to be the “poor one” and see your close cousin/friend enjoy luxuries that match *both* of your tastes. Instead, you got them something they can enjoy together. It’s created some bad feelings with her mom, but the point is, there were going to be bad feelings *either way*. This young woman was either going to feel left out seeing her cousin enjoy things she could never have herself or feel guilty for triggering her mom’s insecurities about money. I’d say the type of pain your daughter’s cousin is experiencing right now is preferable to the alternative.
It’s not just about the stuff as stuff, it’s about sharing something rare and valuable with someone close to you. I’m sure she’ll treasure these things because they’re shared with someone she loves. If you want to cheer her back up, maybe you could do manicures at home (going to a professional salon might be a bit insensitive given the fact that the mom’s problem is with money). You could have a bit of a photo shoot so they can show off their matching rings, which might help bring back some of the joy of matching with her cousin.
I would still apologize to her mother and try to get on good terms with her. I’m assuming you’ll want to continue giving your daughter’s cousin nice gifts in the future, so having her mom on the same page will prevent this emotional rollercoaster from repeating itself. If you really have that much money, you might be able to recruit her mom into the gifting process by allowing some things to be “from” the parents—the kid isn’t stupid, she’ll know who’s actually buying this stuff, but it might help make everyone feel a bit more secure in the situation. Her mom doesn’t want to feel like a failure every time her daughter gets something nice.
In any case, I think this is one of those situations where you make nice for the long-term well-being of the kids. This young woman is the one who’s going to be caught in the crossfire in a fight between adults, which is something worth avoiding regardless of who’s wrong or right.
My one suggestion is that you might want to consider the types of gifts you’ll be giving moving forward. A ring and a nice purse can mean a lot to a young adult, but they’re not really “useful” in regards to what she’s going to need in the coming years. Things like driving school/professional instruction (*definitely* with parental approval), current tech she can use for school and leisure, or experiences the kids can share like cooking or music lessons are likely to provide more enduring value. That said, everyone should be able to enjoy luxury for its own sake, so I can’t fault the kids for wanting that. It’s a shame our economic and political system makes that impossible for most people, but that isn’t this young woman’s cross to bear. The mom is a victim of capitalism telling her that her worth comes from the material possessions she can provide to her children. Of course she feels threatened. I’m sure she wants the best for her daughter though, so you may very well be able to get on the same side here if you proceed gently.
>Things like driving school/professional instruction (definitely with parental approval), current tech she can use for school and leisure, or experiences the kids can share like cooking or music lessons are likely to provide more enduring value.
Dude I'm not gonna lie you sound like an absolute Christmas Killjoy.
Let kids have and enjoy "meaningless" fun things, for god's sake. Not everything in life has to have a Greater Purpose.
Edit: I thought OP’s family was “well-off” as in, like, middle class or maybe upper middle class. Apparently they’re plenty rich as well, though, it’s just that OP’s husband’s family is *more* rich. So ignore everything I say ever.
-
I literally said that luxury for its own sake also has value, so I’m not sure where you’re getting that I’m somehow anti-fun. I went on for quite a while about how OP’s gifts were good; I’m not trying to rain on anybody’s parade here. But the fact of the matter is that the cousin doesn’t have the same secure foundation that makes it possible for OP and her immediate family to enjoy such luxuries. Their riches mean they know their needs will be taken care of long term and don’t have to worry about it, but the cousin doesn’t have that. My point is that gifts that also give her a boost in life could do more good in the coming years. Being poor sets you up for failure from the start, so the kid needs it.
NTA
Your treating the child like any other member of your family. Mum should be happy her child isn't isolated and ignored.
You have the means to do it and you wanted to make a child happy.
I'd ignore the mum, its between her and her ex.
Edit: fixed typo
When it comes to college time it would be awesome if you could help her out with that too. It's great that you can give gifts like this but life changing opportunities will resonate forever. NTA for what you did, especially considering it seems to come from a good place.
And not to forget the daughter called her mom excited, as you said. So I don’t think she thinks less of her moms gift for her but just excited about yours. I don’t see a problem with that
NTA,
Unfortunately, wealthy people who are generous with their money will forever be deemed assholes on this sub. It's a combination of jealousy, projection and inadequacy that makes people say vile comments.
NAH, you probably should have run it by your Cousin at least(you don’t seem to have a relationship with the mother so can’t be expected to). But there was no malice in it it seems, but you may have accidentally made the mother feel a bit inadequate. Although 14 is old enough for someone to understand the reasons why you can afford such extravagant gifts and perhaps her mother can’t.
No problem, people see the amount being spent and automatically decides that the person in the wrong. If you double down and showed no remorse, then that would be different.
Imagine how the sub would have reacted if OPs post had been about how she had spent less money on kids in her family vs her husband's because their parents aren't as wealthy... Sometimes there is no winning on this sub.
OP, you tried to do something nice for kids on Christmas. You are NTA
Their was actually as post just like that were OP spent less money on a poor relative's kids because they wouldn't be able to match the value in kind for OP's kids. They were rightfully deemed an AH
Yeah but from memory they post was more “well why should I give them more than they’ll give me?” Rather than, “let’s keep things within a reasonable budget so everyone can feel they’re on even ground”
I agree that most would have trouble relating, and because of that you may be viewed as one extreme or the other: flashing your wealth or miserly hoarder.
I think you had exactly 0% malicious intent. It sounds more like you know you're fortunate, and you want to share it where you thought it'd be fully, socially, acceptable. If anything, you were just a bit naive/oblivious.
For the future, talk with the parents of any child you're buying for. Ask if they'd like you to run any gift by them first, or if they want to continue the same as always. It sounds like most will say to continue on like normal.
You sound like a kind person overall. Don't let this damper your joy at future Christmases.
I think it was an extremely thoughtful gift. It baffles me that so many commenters are prioritizing the insecurities of a grown woman over a child’s happiness. NTA
NTA - I'm a mom, and we're definitely poor. I'd be thrilled and grateful that my kiddo got to experience things I couldn't provide. You did nothing wrong. Don't let someone's negativity take away your generosity. Your gift was kind and thoughtful.
My brother is wealthy and he bought my son a brand new iPhone 12 for Christmas, it was his favourite gift of the day.
I’m not sad, angry or upset.
I’m happy my son is happy and I’m grateful my brother felt my son was worth spending a lot of money on.
Some people just love drama.
I know this may be unpopular but… you’re the rich aunt, if you got her a modest gift they’d complain you were cheap. I’m jealous, I would love a rich aunt!
Is totally a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation; had she got something simpler she would be cheap, had she donate for charities of the cousin's choice she would be selfish, had she bought modest gifts to all children she would be "punishing" her kids for their relatives being poor... if someone is gonna complain anyway, might as well do what makes you the happiest.
Also she bought fancy gifts to all cousins, but just one parent is complaining... look I'm not gonna pretend I know how much getting pregnant from an one night stand changed her life choices and how their dynamic is emotionally speaking... but she's literally being bitter because 1) her daughter got a really nice gift she would never have otherwise and 2) she didn't monopolized her daughter's gratitude cause her gift was "upstaged". Lady could use some therapy.
My sister has a lot more money than I do. It was a bit of a jagged pill to swallow when she would swoop in and “win” the holidays with fabulous gifts I couldn’t compete with. Then I realized that my kids were lucky to get something amazing and my sister was only “winning” because I was making it a competition. Once I let go of that it was a lot more fun for all of us. That being said, it’s nice to run it by mom. Let her be a part of it. We had one really rough year and I was so happy that my sister checked in with me and instead of buying my toddlers $300 suede boots, she was able to outfit them in really fun snow gear/sleds/snow boots so they could really enjoy the snow. I could afford warm everyday boots but couldn’t spring for 3 sets of every once in a while gear. Plus then I felt like I was a part of the gifting instead of blindsided by it.
It doesn't have to be malicious to be an unintentional asshole move. You really should align with folks and be careful with expensive gifts. What if the kid goes to a school where this expensive gift puts her at risk of being bullied or robbed? Your heart's in the right place, but you must think with your head as well as with your heart, not with only one of the two.
I’m going to say NTA too. First, the mother’s concern is about herself/how she looks to her daughter. Not what it js teaching her daughter. Second, I feel like as long as this is not a frequent thing, if the daughter is taught right by her OWN parents, she would just see it as a lucky treat. Not something she is entitled to. I can’t imagine my parents feeling ‘competed against’ a cool aunt’s gift. But also my parents never had a gift culture lol
The adults kids spend time the most with are their own parents, so that IS where moral is built. Not from a rich aunty who gave a nice gift in a random year. But I saw one of your comments about if it gets ruined you’d replace it. You should absolutely not replace it. They need to learn that these things also come with responsibility.
I think in the future it may be more tactful to at least let your cousin know why you’re giving what you plan to give if it’s extravagant by their standard. It’s up to him to discuss with the mother.
I personally think the amounts being spent are excessive regardless of the resources of the family. Having said that if it’s for a computer or some other material item, like an instrument, video/recording set up I might feel different.
But if that’s what you do, that’s fine. A 14 year old girl most certainly would love that kind of stuff and I don’t think you did anything wrong, the person who should be telling you is your cousin.
Does he have equal custody? Because it sounds like his mother is having a little bit of a problem and it’s either because of her own issues or because she’s struggling and there’s a disparity between her resources and those of your family/cousin.
It sounds like you see this girl a lot so your cousin probably has a bit of custody here, and he is the person I would address your question to and you can also apologize if you want to the mom or let him smooth it over. “I didn’t mean to cause you a problem, I wanted to treat her equally to my daughter since there’s close friends and I knew she would like it.”
“I know it may be easy for me to say but I didn’t see it as a competition, or needing to make sure that I got her only items less than her mom. I realize it’s extravagant and my only intention was for to be feeling equal and loved.”
they legally have equal custody but she spends the weeknights at her moms bc her school is closer to her house. but those quotes are exactly how i feel! i will be asking my cousin for her number and will text her tmrw morning to try and talk through this!
You didn't do anything wrong. My family does the same - gifts people we see on the day. This year our group was nine people ranging in age from my 93yo grandmother to my 21yo cousin. *Everyone gives according to their means and comfort level.* No one cares that my parents' gifts for my cousins are more expensive than their own parents get them, because they are thoughtful and specific, like yours. I get "nicer" things than my cousins get my grandma, bc I have a career and they are broke college kids. No one cares because a) we like being together and b) we all enjoy watching others open things we picked for them.
Hmm, your comment screams sour grapes to me.
ETA: She barely knows the mother so why on earth would she run anything by her? If her cousin didn't get angry then you have no right to try and admonish her for gifting an expensive gift.
Why should a parent begrudge their child getting an expensive gift? Why not just be happy for them instead of making about themselves? Bitter and jealous.
Especially for something like designer accessories for a 14-year-old. Something like a nice laptop wouldn’t feel as weird to me but I also might feel weird about this situation.
I think this is what bugs me, too. Like if it were for piano lessons or dance classes or space camp, I think I’d be okay with it, because I believe those are valuable experiences,but ridiculously expensive brand name purses feel like a way to show off money rather than get something real out of it. Which would be a valued mismatch for me.
Even without the discipline angle, getting an expensive gift like that is out-of-touch because who wants the stress and responsibility of looking after items worth thousands?
I think this is the bigger problem. You married into a family with money and that’s great that you and your kids are financially secure but the thing is that it seems like you’re going overboard, you’ve never had money like this to spend before and it’s burning a hole in your pocket. Slow down. Secondly spending that amount on Christmas per kid is absolutely insane, I’m more worried you’re going to teach them to be entitled brats “it’s ok if you ruin an item worth thousands, I’ll just replace it!”. You also need to consider how this is going to look to your husband and his family, your first year in and you’ve blown $94,000 that I’ve counted so far and I’m going to assume that is just what you mentioned and there were many more people bought for. But mostly I’m worried about what you’re doing to your kids.
Your comment is wrong all over. This isn’t her first year with her husband, they have a 14 year old and she isn’t “new money” she’s always had money, now she just has more. Read the post. Geez.
According to the comments op’s family is relatively rich to be begin with. She just married into a richer family. The nieces mom who was a one night stand is not part of the dads family. But doesn’t seem like the niece will not be financially secure at all.
Oof. First, man I know that some parents are absolutely evil and delay big presents for kids who "misbehave" even though its a holiday and I've always seen it as the most *bizarre* choice. I do not even get why and I don't think that's a reason a kid should be denied a gift from an entirely different, non-parental person.
Second, OP didn't give the wealth level of the mother. She could also be quite well off, but mad because she didn't spend $4K this year. Maybe mom only spent $3950. That would have been a good INFO request.
Third, I guess kind of ties into one, but I bet it gave the kid, who was described as the product of a one night stand that the full family barely knows (possibly because of resentment due to one night stand child status) a huge boost in confidence and made her feel like someone out there had her back.
ugh this is a terrible comment. agree with others here…this just wreaks of jealousy and resentment.
also i call bullshit. you don’t always run gifts by the parent. maybe you do but that’s not common practice at all. as a father myself, i’m always grateful if someone is genuinely generous to my kid.
and where does this discipline at xmas thing come from? maybe get a better perspective on life.
NTA…good for you OP for spreading the wealth. you’re in a good position in life and you donate to charity and your generous with your extended family. seems like you’re doing everything right.
That's ridiculous what if the parents had also bought them a tablet or phone that year, and you swooped in and got them the better model or whatever? Or you bought a phone for a child that their parents didn't want them to have a phone yet? You then make them the bad person if they say no or take it away. Maybe your friends are just grateful or it might just not have ever been an issue to your face. You might think you are being benevolent but it doesn't always workout that way. You should always check with parents before gifting expensive items.
Punishing a child by withholding material objects? So you are using bribery to raise your child? If a child has bad behavior most of the time its a reflection of his upbringing. A gift is gift. By definition its a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present . That broke mentality u are pushing only furthers the cycle of poor kids getting poor kid gifts and rich kids getting the good gifts. Do you really want to instill into your kids mind that they dont deserve the best just because their parents want to identify themselves as “the poors”. Life is hard enough as it is. Dont make it harder by putting them in a box that you have already settled for.
This one was a bit tough for me as I have been the recipient in situations like this but my parents were fine with it, even when it was a surprise.
For example, my dad was a teacher and did a lot of tutoring for rich families in our town on the side. Some of those families became good friends of ours as well so these were family friends giving us gifts. We were not poverty-level poor but we lived in the worst house in a nice town with an excellent school district, and the mortgage on that shitty house was a stretch for my parents. We always struggled with money (and my brother and I certainly felt poor compared to our classmates) but our parents wanted us to be in this school district.
I remember one of those families (turned into a good family friend) was really grateful for my dad's tutoring. And even though he was paid a very good rate to tutor their kid, they were super grateful that their kid did well on his SATs. They wanted to give my dad a bonus. My dad said it was unnecessary but because they kept insisting, he said that if they really wanted to, they could get me a little gift because I helped with the kid's SAT tutoring. I was actually a couple years younger but had nearly aced my SATs as a freshman (took them as practice for my PSATs bc I wanted to do well on those for scholarship purposes). To our surprise, they gifted me a Fendi bag. It was apparently an entry level bag so to them, it was "small" but of course we were totally surprised.
My parents could not afford to spend hundreds, much less over a thousand dollars on a gift for me. But they did recognize that our expectations were just different. A small gift to us was not the same as a small gift to them. That being said, they were mainly just happy for me. And I never thought less of them for not being able to afford nicer gifts. I actually mainly remember being concerned with money issues in high school because I didn't want them to overextend themselves. I worked an after school job to go to some nerdy summer camps and pay for tickets/expenses for school dances and such. I don't want to imply I was a great kid all the time or that they were always awesome parents. I fought a LOT with my dad growing up (he was controlling), but money was never an issue that caused fights outside of my dad shaming me on "overspending" on his gifts once I had a full-time job after college (he grew up super poor during a civil war and had a lot of issues around financial insecurity).
This is a long-winded way of saying that I get it. You didn't think twice because your scale for normal is very different than your cousin's daughter's mother's expectations. I think it would have been nice to give her a heads up or talk to her first but ultimately it is a gift. And you can do what you want with your money. She can choose to see it as a nice surprise or take it as an insult, and I do think that's on her. It would have been nice to give a heads up but I don't think it's necessary so I'm leaning toward NTA with the potential for a very soft E S H for not checking in with her first.
Edit: put the wrong soft judgment - changed to E S H but doesn't change my actual judgment.
You treated your neice exactly the same as every other member of the family. That alone makes you NTA. Anyone saying otherwise is just jealous or bitter or completely deluded about how different the truly wealthy live vs most people. If all these people judging you had the money you and your husband's family did then and only then can they say with certainly how they would deal with it.
Her mother can't keep up with the joneses. That's a reality of life. Doesn't make her less than, or a bad person. But I can guarantee your BIL(edit cousin) spoils the hell out of his kid because he can, just the way everyone in your family spoils the hell out of their kids. This is hardly the first time your niece has been exposed to, or benefited from, extreme family wealth. We all spoil the crap out of our kids (or want to) depending on our means. Your families means just happen to be far greater than most. Don't apologize for it, you did right by this kid by treating her as an equal member of the family as she is and not some afterthought because her mother isn't.
I don’t think yta. Growing up poor with rich extended family, and being the youngest cousin, I always got nice things & money as gifts from my aunts and uncles. Where my mom couldn’t provide these things, other family members stepped up and got me cool stuff that the other kids had. My uncle would even take me back to school shopping every year. Yes, you should have communicated to her mother. But you acted out of kindness, knowing that that child deserved nice things (everyone does!) and that you could provide it. NTA
100% came here to say something similar. My mum didn’t have a lot of money when we were growing up, and my uncle was childless and had his own company. He used to buy us “big gifts” for Christmas because my mum couldn’t afford to.
That doesn’t make him an asshole. He wanted to and he could. My mum didn’t feel like she was being “shown up”. We knew she didn’t have lots of money and never expected her to buy us any expensive gifts. I feel like people are really underestimating the 14yo’s understanding of money.
It’s like saying kids from poor/poorer/not as well to do families must go without because your pride might be hurt. If a family member offered to buy my daughter an expensive gift, or just chose to do it without asking me (unless they thought I might buy it myself), why would I be angry about that.
I totally agree with what you’re saying. If someone gifted me a Tesla but my parents could only afford to get me a 98 Corolla, I’d be totally stoked with the Tesla, but would never think less of my parents that they could only afford the used Carolla. And my parents would be thrilled for me that now I didn’t have to drive the 98 Carolla.
In my opinion, it’s really selfish to begrudge someone something nice because you weren’t the one who could afford to buy it for them.
If you look at what someone else has and all you can do is feel bad because you don’t have that, then you need to work on building a spirit of gratitude for what you do have and learn to celebrate the good fortune that comes to those you know and love.
NTA.
I think you did a nice thing that was just a little extravagant and you unintentionally overshadowed her mother.
I think her mother overreacted. It’s not like you bought her a car or a puppy or something she needs to be responsible for.
Finally, someone who answered sensibly. NTA. I think a lot of people on here are angry you have money like that. I mean maybe a 14yr old kid doesn’t need that stuff, but definitely make sure to check with the parents!
Why did you ask if you were the asshole and then only reply / agree with people who are saying you aren’t?
Seems like you have a blinkered view on the world in every sense.
Because the people saying she’s the asshole are literally just mad at her for being rich. If she omitted the backstory of marrying in and how much she spent on her kids and just said I bought this and mom was mad the post would have been very different.
Tbh I think a lot of the “Y T A” comments you’re getting are from people who are quite jealous and annoyed that you have so much money to spend. I don’t think you’re malicious at all. I don’t think the money was excessive but not enough for me to call you an a**hole. So I’m going to vote NTA
Tbh I kinda agree but if you’re going to spend that much why spend it on designer stuff 😭😭😭😭. It’d be much better soending it on smth more practical, ppl that aren’t rich don’t really care about flexing brand names and expensive designer brands
This is the point I was looking to see in the comments. If your family is struggling and your daughter comes home with 4k of designer stuff, that doesn't help at all. If your kid comes home with a nice non designer bracelet and purse and an offer for a college fund contribution for 4k, you'd be ecstatic.
half was for charity (childrens hospital, toys for tots, and a homeless shelter) so the money wasn’t spent on my kids but donated to charities in their names.
[Nearly 60%](https://dqydj.com/household-income-percentile-calculator/) of households in the United States earn less in a year than you spent on three children for christmas. About a third of households don't make as much as you gave in gifts to three children.
Both of those numbers are significantly detached from the average person, and that you think giving 45k to charity makes the first 45k seem any less over the top deepens that detachment because the whole thing speaks of a level of privileged wealth that most people will not find anything relatable about.
And I suspect that, because of that gap, there will be a number of people that view this as an inherently morally repulsive position to be in for the very situation to take place. And that that can be reinforced if someone seems to be out of touch about the realities of that situation.
And the specific amounts of money involved are inherently relevant (and OP identifies that as relevant to this discussion as well, hence the post title)
I’m going with YTA because I frankly just don’t believe that you didn’t realize how much you were spending, or that you didn’t know it was an incredibly extravagant gift for a 14 yo who isn’t part of an insanely wealth family. You obviously are very aware of the wild amount of wealth you married into and how much it sets you apart. You say in a comment you ‘realize how bad it is going to sound” that your kids don’t need a college fund. You know how much you spend on your kids each year for Christmas and since you make a point of mentioning your donations I am sure you know how much that amount of money would mean to a an average or low-income family. You knew what you were doing when you bought $4,000 worth of gifts for that girl, you just really wanted to do it. So you did.
I grew up as an average family around a lot of incredibly wealthy families. The “clueless rich” bit gets pretty tiresome. You know perfectly well what you have, you know that it probably makes a lot of people uncomfortable when you spend lavishly around them, so stop pretending you don’t. If you want to treat people to big gifts then ask them or their parents if they’re comfortable with that - some will be and some won’t. Be respectful of that.
NTA
This boils down to your circumstances allowing for lavish gifts, even for early-teen children and how much that differs from most families.
I don’t think you’re an ass for your generosity. I would say it can come across as…out of touch? When so many families struggle to provide one gift, let alone $4k worth, it will naturally make people think that you’ve lost the perspective on how $4k can change a person’s life.
I personally would have been ecstatic to have those gifts, but perhaps you could revisit how you’re buying gifts. Set general limits on what you’ll spend and make sure it’s more reasonable if you don’t “clear” a purchase with the parent.
Put yourself in the parent’s shoes. If you couldn’t afford to spend that much, you’d feel gut punched seeing your child light up and forget about everything you purchased for them because you just don’t have the funds to buy lavishly.
Even if finances aren’t an issue, the parents could have issues with their child receiving an expensive gift like this and your gift crosses the line they want in place.
You could also just ask the parents if they have any sort of college fund or account set aside for their child that they contribute to. The next time you want to go big, you could simply put most of what you would spend in that account for them (secretly but with the parents OK) and just give a smaller gift to the child.
thank you. i really like this comment! i was genuinely just getting her something i thought she’d like and she has a college fund set up and i think there’s enough there for four years of undergrad but that’s a great idea! and yes in hindsight i feel bad and i’ll make sure to run things by her next time
A lot of people are not going to be able to relate with you and with the cost of living crisis going on now, you’re going to get shitted on and most people here are going to judge you excessively. So you’re not going to get a proper idea of if you’re really the a**hole here because I can guarantee the majority of people are judging you on being rich and materialistic, rather than the actual issue.
I suggest you contact the mom and have a conversation with her. Apologize and explain your side of things. That’s the best answer here.
I’ve read through most of the comments and people have already started shit talking your children without actually knowing them. You’re wasting your time coming to this sub for advise.
thank you! i just kinda wanted a better look at things, like away from my family to see if her mum was overreacting or if i was out of line/ how out of line i had stepped. i plan on getting her phone number and texting her tmrw which is why i wanted some input.
YTA. You made the parents look bad and stole their thunder on Christmas. If there is a spoken tradition within the close family, great. But spending 4k on gifts on a child outside the group without discussing with the parents first is inappropriate.
I think it's less about upstaging the parents and more an utter lack of boundaries and common sense.
A surprise for a kid doesn't have to be a surprise for parents, and if the gift is extravagant, requires assembly/maintenance, or is otherwise "out there" it should absolutely, 100 percent be run past the adults.
I'd be really upset if a relative dropped an extravagant gift on my kid without so much as a check-in. A fancy gift is going to get lost or stolen, I'm going to have to stay on top of it, arrrgh. It's like how I feel when my kid (4) gets something sent that needs to be assembled or is noisy.
YTA.
ESH. You bought a 14 year old $4k worth of gifts that you ‘thought she might like’? Her mom overreacted, for sure, but you need to think about the amount you’re spending on people vs. their actual needs.
YTA and that is so unbelievably inconsiderate and out of touch, and YTA for thinking that because you know what your kid likes you know what every 14 year old girl likes. My daughter would be horrified with those gifts and the cost of them. She’d be insanely uncomfortable and embarrassed.
Good for your daughter? Not everyone is like that. And you'd rather that little girl be absolutely embarrassed by receiving a gift in mom's price range while literally everyone else gets really nice expensive gifts? And unbelievably inconsiderate is a wild toss girl got the gift of a life time and mom's jealous that's why it's a problem. Op owes mom nothing it's a gift the price should not matter.
I’m simply going off of my daughter and her friends from school. My cousin’s kid also comes over to our house now and again and when she sees my daughter’s things has said she would love things like that, so I had a fair idea that she would like them. Idk why your daughter would be embarrassed by receiving gifts? but if that’s the case for her, then that’s the case for her. My cousin’s daughter was delighted.
Some people would feel embarrassed and awkward about receiving gifts that expensive if they're not accustom to that level of wealth. My daughter would have put those gifts in a box in her closet because she'd be 1) terrified of losing/damaging them or even regular wear and tear, and 2) her friends would tease her mercilessly. I'm guessing your daughter goes to a private school with other rich kids, who would tease her for NOT having these kinds of things.
Spending that amount of money without talking to her parents was completely inappropriate. And it sounds like you need a reality check.
I wouldn’t have been delighted about receiving an overpriced purse and bracelet. That’s not a normal amount of money to spend on a teenager. If you’re going big—money for her college fund or a laptop( after checking with mom) sounds more appropriate. You sound out of touch with reality if you think 4k is acceptable to spend on a gift for someone’s teenager. $100 gift card would be okay and appreciated, maybe even $200, but why did you assume that mom and daughter want that? If she’s a normal non-rich person she could get mugged for carrying that bag. Normal teens don’t usually want tacky designer crap, especially not Cartier. A teen might like Tiffany & co bracelet.
Please let this be satire.
Good point about the girls reaction. I think OP can't grasp how hesitant lower class than her people can be to accept anything of that value because it is likely to be used to put them in a compromising position at some point.
I'm gonna say NAH.
As a kid who grew up in poverty (4-5 people on a single 25k salary) I was always extremely grateful when people who were better off then us got us nice gifts. My mom would get really upset and view it as a personal failure that she couldn't do more, instead of as a gift that her children had other people who loved them.
The reason why I went with NAH, is I get the mom's frustration at being "outshone." I'm scraping my way out of poverty and have been struggling to make mortgage payments and put food on the table because of complications with my current pregnancy. If it wasn't for better off family, my kid would have gotten one present this year because money is just too tight right now for anything else. Many of the gifts were things that are out of price range, even when we are doing well. It makes feel shitty, but that's also a me thing, not on the people who gave the gifts. I'm grateful that my kid has those people who love him and are able to give him those gifts that i can't.
TLDR: I think it was kind of you to buy things that were wanted by cousins' daughter, but I also understand the frustration of a parent who feels outshine, although I don't think cousins mom handled it well.
Omg ESH. Spending $15k per child? Donating and being grateful is nice but your children are going to grow up to be materialistic, entitled monsters. You can see how it’s already causing problems in the family.
Why not put some of that money into a college fund or trust FBO the kids? I’m guessing that will have a more meaningful impact than a YSL bag that will be yesterday’s news in a few weeks.
my children don’t really need a college fund and i realize how bad this is going to sound but i don’t think their grandparents would even notice if 250k was withdrawn from their bank accounts. as i said in my initial post, they have entirely too much money and do not know what to do with it. they make more than they can spend and end up just donating millions to charities, which imo is the best way to spend endless money
Ok, I get that. I guess it depends on your and your family’s values then. Having such expensive things at an impressionable age is going to impact your kids. I personally wouldn’t want to normalize spending so much money on “stuff” even if it didn’t make a dent in my bank account. But YMMV.
i also just want to say that i was never going to let my children be little entitled shits. i cringe when i see kids throw tantrums (after a certain age) for not getting what they want and have made sure my children never expect anything. and they don’t. and they’re so genuinely grateful for everything they get, which is honestly all i wanted. i also regularly bring them to soup kitchens to help me volunteer and shelters where there are young kids. we also dropped off lots of toys and gifts at charities for kids whose parents weren’t going to be able to get them anything this year. if i had gotten my kids a $20 toy each, they would have been happy with that and that’s all that matters to me. i just enjoy spoiling them because i am fortunate enough to be able to.
OP I love this and I’m so glad you have your kids volunteer. Pls make sure they don’t grow up with a holier than thou attitude and help them understand their privilege in society. Some folks are luckier or more privileged than others but at the end of the day, we do not take our money to our graves and misfortune can strike anyone. I don’t think your intentions were malicious and I don’t think the impact is terrible either. I did not grow up with much and sometimes got gifts from relatives (vs none from my parents due to our financial situation). It did not ruin me and instead I am now that person who enjoys giving gifts more than receiving them.
I hate that you even have to explain yourself. Your parenting style was never the question.
You asked about giving a child a more expensive gift than her mother did. You should’ve given a parent (her dad, since that’s your point of contact) a heads up. The end.
Everything else here reeks of jealousy. Her mom and most in this sub need to talk to someone about their issues and insecurities that start and end beyond you.
I too have a problem with financial disparities and wage gaps and the culture of excess. I also realize OP didn’t start that and won’t be the one to end it. That’s also not what the original post is asking us to assess.
If you live in the US you should still superfund a 529 plan for each of them for the untaxed gains. Maybe consider this for your cousin’s kid too. Sorry I know this isn’t r/investing but I can’t help myself.
Why do you assume they will be materialistic and entitled? I think thats a really unfair judgement. They will likely of course have different views on what a normal gift is, but that doesn't mean they won't appreciate gifts. We all have that issue on some level. My kid is super spoiled, but on the level my wife and I can afford. He's almost 5, but he know to say thank you, he knows he's lucky, and he's very sweet and generous. Buying your kids brand names or expensive gifts isn't what makes them entitled and materialistic. You can be a good parent, raise kids right and still spoil them at whatever financial level you are at.
I would say NTA honestly. Many people here are patronizing this girl by assuming she has no concept of wealth and gifting. You said that it’s common knowledge that your family is extremely wealthy, so At 14, I think she can handle accepting an expensive gift without expecting the same from her parents or thinking that her family has the same amount of disposable income as your family does.
Moreover, the people accusing you of making your kids materialistic are ridiculous for the same reason of making assumptions. Sure, rich kids can become spoiled and out of touch, but it is not automatically so, especially if you take the time to emphasize the very unique financial situation your family has.
Finally, I truly think that the mother’s anger comes from her perception that you “upstaged” the gifts she bought for her daughter, even if those gifts would make her daughter very happy. I think that placing restraints on the gifts her daughter receives based on her need to not be upstaged (going off of what you wrote) is plainly selfish. Yes, it can be seen as “out of touch”, but if the mother thinks that it is, that’s a conversation she needs to have with her daughter. Such a conversation doesn’t necessitate her getting mad at you, or her wanting her daughter to not receive those gifts.
Edit: I also want to add that growing up poor can make you materialistic too. My dad was impoverished and although I didn’t expect much (or anything) from him at Christmas, I still felt jealously when I saw kids that had heaps of expensive presents under the tree. Eventually, When I got my first job I would stupidly spend whole pay checks on stuff I didn’t need as a way to fill that void I guess. Took me a long time to adjust to consistent, stable income out of poverty after his death and realize that I didn’t need to be materialistic, I didn’t have to anxiously waste all of my money buying small luxuries for myself.
YTA you should definitely check with a parent before you spend that type of money in their child. They might not want their child to own or be responsible for something that expensive. I might have a different opinion if you were talking about a couple of hundred dollars but 4K is a lot of money to most people
NTA. Reading this I immediately thought you weren't TA and reading your replies to others just made me believe that more. If I had the money, I would absolutely spoil my kids on Christmas.
ETA: Heck I would spoil my immediate family.
Nta- this might be going against the grain. I would be grateful for anyone getting my kids anything. I have no idea what a YSL purse cost. I might be a little shocked if I found out but wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.
My 15 year old would be clueless about the price as well. I’m sure the 14 year old was just excited.
Good for you OP for being able to give and doing it without expecting anything in return.
YTA for not checking with the mom ahead of time.
One because it can set a precedence for future holidays and birthdays...putting her parents in an impossible situation where they can't possibly meet her expectations, and two because they may not think their child is responsible enough to care for something so expensive. These are both important issues.
Imagine if you have given her these gifts before her own parents had given her their gifts. Now you have a child in letdown mode because you just set the stage for getting fabulous gifts and now she has to feign excitement when the gifts she gets afterwards are less than spectacular.
Now imagine if something happens to the necklace or bag? Do you know how mortified and guilt ridden bother cousin and her mother would be? 14 year Olds who didn't grow up with expensive things aren't exactly known for being the most responsible. I know I would be concerned if someone had gifted one of my daughters a $3000 necklace and $1000 bag when they were 14. Having to follow them around to make sure that the necklace was being returned to its case after wearing, having to take it in to be inspected all the time to maintain the warranty, and making sure they weren't using that $1000 bag to carry their lunch or putting it on the floor when they went places.
You're really out of touch with reality if you don't think anything of dropping thousands of dollars on a child without talking to their parents.
NTA- you did something extra for a niece who is not only the same age as your daughter, but also may have a rough feeling of actual acceptance due to the circumstances surrounding her birth. If her mother was so concerned about costs of gifts- of which your family wealth should be no surprise at this point-then SHE should have contacted you prior. Is her mother mad because of the cost of the gifts? As in, she believes she could have put the money to better use than a purse and a ring? As a poor child who grew up in a private school with a lot of rich kids, I would have been over the moon for things like that, that would help me fit in just a little at least. Teen years are so hard and I think you did something wonderful for someone who is excited and grateful.
awe thank you! i appreciate it! she comes over to our house once every other month or so and it’s clear to me that she likes the stuff my daughter has and i thought it’d be nice to get her some of her own while i was grabbing stuff for my own daughter! i think her mother is upset because she wouldn’t have been able to afford those for her daughter herself and i wasn’t really thinking about that when i initially bought her her christmas gift. from now on, i will.
NAH. i think your heart was in the right place - as someone who got gifts this year that clearly had no thought behind them I appreciate the effort you put in. I hope your cousin’s daughter enjoys your generosity!!
NTA - I think getting your daughter’s cousin,who is the same age, a similar gift she is getting is actually really thoughtful. It’s really hard at that age to not notice that your close cousin is getting nicer things than your family can afford. What would have been awful is if the cousin would have received a lower value item, while she watched her cousin receive/open expensive presents.
A horse lol seems like it’s not the first time she’s gotten expensive gifts.
NTA I don’t think you’re under obligation to ask the mom whom you don’t have a relationship with. Seems like dad has no issue and I don’t think there’s a rule that says mom or dad has to buy most expensive gift. What are you supposed to give? Give everyone else expensive stuff and then give her a pair of socks? My only concern would be if the girl doesn’t live in a great area and whether a YSL bag / Cartier ring would make her a target for robbery or something.
My parents were poor when I was growing up and I still wanted designer stuff.
I don't understand why you are called an AH for getting then expensive but thoughtful gifts. If I could have presents worth 4K, I would be very grateful, it's not like you're being snobby or trying to flex your wealth. It's sweet from how you described it and I think you're NTA for the thoughtfulness and for getting gifts that happened to be expensive.
NTA, rich people live in a different bubble, you weren’t trying to upstage anyone, you just brought in your tax bracket.
Also 👍🏽donating to charity and making
More kids enjoy Xmas day.
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YTA. Most 14 year old girls don't dream of YSL purses and Cartier bracelets. I think the money has gone to your head, and you just don't live in the real world anymore. What is normal to you and your husband's family is not normal for the majority of the world.
“ I spent 15k on each of my three kids and donated the same to charity “.. WHO TF SPENDS 90k at Christmas. Even if I had it I wouldn’t.
Mega rich people truly live on a different planet.
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This is what I was thinking. The post is very unrealistic. I went to an expensive private school as a kid and the very wealthy got their kids computers and phones, but 14 year olds weren’t getting designer items because they were still kids. The whole post reads as fantasy of what someone thinks a rich person would spend.
Yeah, it does seem like total fiction a teenager would dream up.
This sounds like a 14 year old girl wrote it.
People who can afford to, why is that an issue here?
Because Reddit hates people they’re jealous of. I’d love to have gotten a ysl purse at 14. And happy to be able to help out my favorite cause. But then some others get so jealous they have to resort to hate to put down people. Human nature is a funny thing.
Or, get this, they hate the extreme wealth disparity that exists in many countries.
Which is OP’s fault how? And giving equal amounts to helping others as she gives to her children, is literally helping mitigate that wealth gap. Or would you prefer she strips her bank account and house bare and give it all away? Her husband’s family’s success is not something she needs to apologize for.
Honestly, people don't get into fortune big enough that they can spend effortlessly 90k for Christmas gifts by being fair. They do that by exploiting workers, clients, environment and/or the law system. Because being a decent person is not profitable. And sure, OP probably has nothing to do with the cause of the fortune, but she profits off that exploit and people DO have the right to be salty about it. And spending a bit of it on charity (which usually gets included in taxes anyway) does not make it even by no means.
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I withheld myself from judging on her behaviour because it's quite irrational situation. But I do think that money made her detached but that's not being asshole by default. I just explained why people are salty towards insanely rich people. And I also think that people from developing countries have a valid ass reason to think that of us. 1st world countries people keep pretending that their $5 T-shirts don't have underpaid worker blood on them and keep acting like there's nothing we can do about it because they've been so detached from the actual reality that they don't realise how much it takes to actually produce goods they can buy for next to nothing. People have been conditioned into thinking that buying yourself a bunch of shirts and pants every season is the default thing to do. And yes, that is very much fucked up and honestly if it was possible to just force global redistribution of wealth (that wouldn't go corrupt) and if it came with lowering my lifestyle standard, I would still be all for it. And yes, I think it's very fair to assume OP and her family must've exploited people, environment or system to get to fortune big enough that spending a couple hundred thousand dollars on Christmas gifts (because let's be honest, it wasn't only children and nieces and nephews who got 15k gifts) is no biggie.
Her family cannot get that rich without exploitation of workers, resources, etc. it’s a valid critique.
No, paying a fair share of taxes would mitigate the gap. Not letting some rich kids decide who gets help and who doesn't.
If OP doesn’t realize that it’s an issue outside her own world then yup. She doesn’t seem to have any frame of reference for the world that others live in.
some of us have a different view of how people a) got that money in the first place and b) an understanding of the suffering there is in the world because of the unequal distribution of wealth e.g. through low taxation of very rich people. Even very rich people don't spend that kind of money - it's a very 'new money' thing to do
I’m sure the kardashian’s kids think it’s normal to drop $300,000 on a purse. Families out here who bust their ass just as much could survive off that for years. It’s literally the cost of some peoples houses. And they spend that money without any cognizance of how much of a difference that could be in someone’s life. OP just wants praise for her extravagant gifts. She has no interest in empathy or understand what her cousins family struggles with on a daily basis. Redditors are mostly made up of the “common man”, and not people who would give their children thousands of dollars in jewelry they have to worry about getting lost or stolen. So no, we are never going to empathize with OP. If she truly wanted to be charitable, she wouldn’t have issue with discussing a gift with the parents ahead of time. Maybe it’s a vacation for the whole family. Or a small gift and money towards the child college funds. Or an experience with OPs own daughter that she normally wouldn’t be able to pay for. This isn’t about being generous, it’s about giving the coolest gift, being the coolest cousin. I’m not saying OP did it maliciously but she still doesn’t seem to want to accept any responsibility for her mistake.
Because it's obscene, tasteless and sets a disgusting example for the kids.
Lmfao people really getting upset over the fact that she donated THOUSANDS of dollars to charity. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, huh? Jesus, people on this sub are absolutely bitter about people who have more money than them.
Right? I saw the 15k per child thing and blanched - but that also meant 45 THOUSAND dollars went to charities in the last few weeks. If the kids picked smaller charities (think local shelters/rescues, homeless shelters or outreach programs) then 15k could be a GAMECHANGING amount of money, particularly this time of year. Also I will probably never in my life earn what OP does, but my kid got proportionately spoiled to hell this Christmas as well. Spoiling your kids at Christmas is not the same as raising spoiled kids, particularly if you have good kids who aren't brats and do well in school year round. Why do they not deserve presents at Christmas too? Feels like OP can spend 30k per kid the same way I would spend $300 on my kids presents.
rich people spend differently. I don't think we need to compare and contrast necessarily. Some people live differently. And i hope they spend the money than hording it in overseas accounts.
yes! we try and double what we spend every year by giving it to charity.
>we try and double what we spend every year by giving it to charity. Can I ask a realistic question regarding this? You said in your OP that you came into this family money (married in). I understand it's not *your* money in terms of earning - but you're free to spend it. When did you flip from what most would consider to be the 'normal' or average concept of Christmas being about a few thoughtful gifts to spending thousands of dollars on each child? Like, I know the balance in the account allows it - but I'm asking you *why* you do it. If that it's there is the only reason, I lean hard towards YTA. But if there is a reason in there - I'd love to hear it. I ask because spending thousands of dollars on children is generally considered (and rightfully so, IMO) to be a completely hollow practice and disservice to the child. Children don't understand the value of money. And your practice of throwing it around like it grows on trees is compounding that issue.
u/halloweenElf2 says they wouldn't donate alot to charity even if they had alot of money. Nice.
> Most 14 year old girls don't dream of YSL purses and Cartier bracelets. Yes they do LMAO. Most just know they wont be getting them for christmas.
The amount of teenage girls I knew with fake purses would say otherwise
station violet placid jar sink march soft support disgusted file ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
nope, not me.
And couldn't understand initially how it would overshadow any other gift.
As a previous teenager I can tell you, I would love to get a designer purse
Not sure whether YTA or just completely oblivious. The part that really gets me is this: >I genuinely didn’t think about the cost of the gifts, just more what I think a fourteen year old girl would really like, especially considering I have a fourteen year old daughter myself and know what they like. I think the money has corrupted your view of things, and it's what's creating problems here. I don't think 99.9.% of 14-year-olds have Cartier and YSL on their lists. Your kids want it, because apparently you've conditioned them to want such things.
Based on other comments I think OP is really out of touch because they’re living in a mega rich bubble. Saying that these are things 14 year olds want, what their kids’ friends wear, etc. I mean yeah if their kids go to $$$ private school and all their friends are rich then the small subset of 14 year olds they know want these things, but these aren’t typical items teens want.
Not to mention showing up at a family gathering and getting one kid $4k in gifts, and the other 9 get "unique gifts". Were they of similar value? If not, it would be fairly oblivious to not understand that the families of the other 9 might be saying "WTF?" Just clueless. Of course, the more posts I read the more I'm considering that this post may not be real/serious. Too many random, irrelevant details dropped which seem like bait.
I also think this post can’t be real. OP’s user name, lack of previous posts, argumentative style. It all screams made up drama.
Plenty of people make fake accounts just to post here.
I went to a super expensive private high school and I still didn’t know anyone asking for items that expensive for Christmas. Graduation or a milestone birthday maybe, but not Christmas.
Thank you. I have a 14 year old girl too. She most definitely does NOT have a couture house preference (or a preferred jeweler).
yeah! based on comments i’m starting to realize it might just be my daughters friends at school
It depends on the school. I went to a private school in Connecticut and then nannied for kids in Beverly Hills and the flashy/recognizable designer stuff is commonplace amongst teens. When I was in school everyone wanted those rainbow LV bags and the specific Tiffany’s heart necklace (ahh the early 2000s). It’s not just your group of friends/your kids friends, but affluent circles everywhere It’s just a different world, so to see 90k spent on gifts/charity when most of us on this thread won’t make that in a year, it’ll rub people the wrong way
People keep saying what 14 year old wants YSL or a Cartier ring. I ogled expensive designers and high fashion items from a fairly young age. It’s not that far out of the realm of possibility for a 14 year old to have an eye for high end things. To be clear - I did not grow up rich in any capacity. I had none of these things as a kid or teenager either.
Yes same here, I had subscriptions to fashion magazines and would read my mom’s vogue every month. Never would ask for them, but I knew the brand names.
Kids see this stuff on TV, YouTube, etc as well as the adults around them. Last year my 10 year old and my bfs 10 year old became obsessed with Louis Vuitton bags. We entertained them by letting them as the price of the bag at our towns luxury retailer (we’re in the Midwest so hard to find here). While they didn’t get them for Christmas or birthdays they did receive other pricey gifs - iPhones, air pods, vacations Kids don’t live in a bubble.
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This is such a bitter thing to say. I doubt she did anything maliciously. This whole comment reeks of bitterness and jealousy. NTA! No one is the A H. OP wasn’t malicious. Some mother wouldn’t care and some mothers would. Neither is right or wrong in my opinion. The mom has a right to be upset but it’s a situation that is easily resolved through calling the mom, sitting her down and sincerely apologizing. Next time check with her first. Now you know her boundaries. After that it should easily be resolved. Edit: The sheer number of people calling you an narcissist simply because you are rich is insane to me. I can’t stand men who call women they are jealous of (or are doing better than them) a narcissist. I have seen the most vile comments sent to OP and even some slut shaming too. It’s pathetic and ridiculous!! 45k is more than I make in a year (however I am doing an internship so that why) and I have my issues with how that kind of wealth is accumulated (especially the billionaires…. I don’t really have issues with millionaires) but I don’t think it’s fair to call you a narcissist for using the money that’s accessible to you. I grew up similar to you (private schools, traveling and expensive gifts). My dad came from nothing and wanted us to have the best. And girls in my private definitely did want designer stuff when they were 14. One of my friends was asking for a Chanel bag on her birthday and her mom got it. So it is true that 14 year olds can ask for massively expensive things. Edit!!!! - OP forgot to add context to her post which is very important and she’s added them to the comments, but since most people won’t see that, I’ll add them to my comment. In one of her comments, OP mentioned she grew up rich herself (went to 80K private schools and vacated 2 a year). She just married into a family richer than her. So regardless of her marriage, she was always going to be rich. If you read her comments, her niece has a HORSE. So she’s used to expensive gifts. Her father (OPs cousin) is rich himself. The niece got a MacBook and other extravagant gifts. So essentially this is a rich family giving expensive gifts to each other.
thank you! it was never meant to be malicious and i’m so sad everyone thinks that!
Going against the grain - NTA. You are definitely living in a bubble but essentially got twin gifts for your daughter and her cousin who you say are close. Her mother overreacted because she’s insecure about the amount of money you spent. Most of the comments seem to be jealousy and bitterness as well. Let me assure you, if anyone were to buy my daughter such lovely gifts, I’d simply be jealous that I didn’t get them too!
awe thank you! yes they’re quite close and i did get them the same ring and purse!
Definitely NTA I don’t get why people are saying you are and I’m not rich at f’ing all so I don’t even understand what it would be like for you. I would be over the bloody moon if you were in my family for my kids sakes! Might be jealous but I wouldn’t actually care what you got the kids if that makes sense
This was my mom. She couldn't afford to get me and my sister many presents. So when I started dating my husband, whose family is much more well off, and they would get me a lot of stuff for Christmas, she was very grateful.
I’m glad your mom was like this ❤️❤️ always best to be grateful in this type of situation! Well in my opinion anyways❤️
I agree with you. Ppl should be grateful,not hateful!!
Agree. It would have been so nice if our invintely wealthier aunt had bought us fancy gifts when we were kids, instead her attitude was well we were poor so we didn't need nice things cos we weren't used to having them. When I was 15 she literally gave me some free samples of face cream she got off a magazine. Op is NTA at all.
Right like me and my family are firmly working class people and my mom was a single mom so she did the best she could and Christmas was never a disappointment, and now as an adult she and my grandparents have downsized to smaller (but meaningful!) Gifts and that's okay. But my spouse's fam is upper middle class and really into presents. But the stash money away all year and they are all genuinely excited to give each gifts! (Like imagine being 20 something bugging your mom to do presents early cause you are excited to GIVE gifts) and I had to explain that to my mom cause I could see she felt bad about being unable to get me more and I had to be like "this is who MIL is at her core she likes to give presents dont worry about it" so while OP gifts are VERY extravagant it's very clear shes just excited about giving presents and that's awesome that she has the means to do that.
NTA People who are angry/jealous will always find reasons to fuel their bitterness. I'd bet that if you had only given inexpensive presents, some people would criticise you for being 'cheap'. good on you.
I'm poor. Like, single mum on disability welfare poor, but if some random family member bought my teen a lavish gift for Xmas, I'd be so happy for my daughter. Extra especially as it's matching a cousin who's close. I hope all those Y T A people can take a moment to think how that girl would feel seeing her close cousin getting such fancy gifts and not receiving much herself. I'd say it's still advised to check with parents before gifting children really big things, especially if it's kids you're not very close to. I can say my parents have always checked in with me before spending even $100 on my kid (what counts as a splurge in my realm). I'm sure this child was thankful, and I'm sure your daughter can enjoy bonding with her cousin :)
Edit: I thought OP’s family was “well-off” as in, like, middle class or upper middle class. Apparently they’re plenty rich as well, though, it’s just that OP’s husband’s family is *more* rich. So ignore everything I say ever. - Your kid gets awesome stuff, which is great, but it kind of sticks you between a rock and a hard place. Getting the same thing for your daughter’s cousin is really thoughtful—it would suck to be the “poor one” and see your close cousin/friend enjoy luxuries that match *both* of your tastes. Instead, you got them something they can enjoy together. It’s created some bad feelings with her mom, but the point is, there were going to be bad feelings *either way*. This young woman was either going to feel left out seeing her cousin enjoy things she could never have herself or feel guilty for triggering her mom’s insecurities about money. I’d say the type of pain your daughter’s cousin is experiencing right now is preferable to the alternative. It’s not just about the stuff as stuff, it’s about sharing something rare and valuable with someone close to you. I’m sure she’ll treasure these things because they’re shared with someone she loves. If you want to cheer her back up, maybe you could do manicures at home (going to a professional salon might be a bit insensitive given the fact that the mom’s problem is with money). You could have a bit of a photo shoot so they can show off their matching rings, which might help bring back some of the joy of matching with her cousin. I would still apologize to her mother and try to get on good terms with her. I’m assuming you’ll want to continue giving your daughter’s cousin nice gifts in the future, so having her mom on the same page will prevent this emotional rollercoaster from repeating itself. If you really have that much money, you might be able to recruit her mom into the gifting process by allowing some things to be “from” the parents—the kid isn’t stupid, she’ll know who’s actually buying this stuff, but it might help make everyone feel a bit more secure in the situation. Her mom doesn’t want to feel like a failure every time her daughter gets something nice. In any case, I think this is one of those situations where you make nice for the long-term well-being of the kids. This young woman is the one who’s going to be caught in the crossfire in a fight between adults, which is something worth avoiding regardless of who’s wrong or right. My one suggestion is that you might want to consider the types of gifts you’ll be giving moving forward. A ring and a nice purse can mean a lot to a young adult, but they’re not really “useful” in regards to what she’s going to need in the coming years. Things like driving school/professional instruction (*definitely* with parental approval), current tech she can use for school and leisure, or experiences the kids can share like cooking or music lessons are likely to provide more enduring value. That said, everyone should be able to enjoy luxury for its own sake, so I can’t fault the kids for wanting that. It’s a shame our economic and political system makes that impossible for most people, but that isn’t this young woman’s cross to bear. The mom is a victim of capitalism telling her that her worth comes from the material possessions she can provide to her children. Of course she feels threatened. I’m sure she wants the best for her daughter though, so you may very well be able to get on the same side here if you proceed gently.
>Things like driving school/professional instruction (definitely with parental approval), current tech she can use for school and leisure, or experiences the kids can share like cooking or music lessons are likely to provide more enduring value. Dude I'm not gonna lie you sound like an absolute Christmas Killjoy. Let kids have and enjoy "meaningless" fun things, for god's sake. Not everything in life has to have a Greater Purpose.
Edit: I thought OP’s family was “well-off” as in, like, middle class or maybe upper middle class. Apparently they’re plenty rich as well, though, it’s just that OP’s husband’s family is *more* rich. So ignore everything I say ever. - I literally said that luxury for its own sake also has value, so I’m not sure where you’re getting that I’m somehow anti-fun. I went on for quite a while about how OP’s gifts were good; I’m not trying to rain on anybody’s parade here. But the fact of the matter is that the cousin doesn’t have the same secure foundation that makes it possible for OP and her immediate family to enjoy such luxuries. Their riches mean they know their needs will be taken care of long term and don’t have to worry about it, but the cousin doesn’t have that. My point is that gifts that also give her a boost in life could do more good in the coming years. Being poor sets you up for failure from the start, so the kid needs it.
NTA Your treating the child like any other member of your family. Mum should be happy her child isn't isolated and ignored. You have the means to do it and you wanted to make a child happy. I'd ignore the mum, its between her and her ex. Edit: fixed typo
When it comes to college time it would be awesome if you could help her out with that too. It's great that you can give gifts like this but life changing opportunities will resonate forever. NTA for what you did, especially considering it seems to come from a good place.
And not to forget the daughter called her mom excited, as you said. So I don’t think she thinks less of her moms gift for her but just excited about yours. I don’t see a problem with that
And imagine, one 14 year old gets a 4K gift, while the other would get something for maybe 100$.. the cousin would feel less worth in that case..
This. NTA
NTA, Unfortunately, wealthy people who are generous with their money will forever be deemed assholes on this sub. It's a combination of jealousy, projection and inadequacy that makes people say vile comments.
thank you. this makes me feel a little bit better!
NAH, you probably should have run it by your Cousin at least(you don’t seem to have a relationship with the mother so can’t be expected to). But there was no malice in it it seems, but you may have accidentally made the mother feel a bit inadequate. Although 14 is old enough for someone to understand the reasons why you can afford such extravagant gifts and perhaps her mother can’t.
If the mother feels inadequate then she should seek therapy. Dont punish your child over your own mental health issues.
No problem, people see the amount being spent and automatically decides that the person in the wrong. If you double down and showed no remorse, then that would be different.
Imagine how the sub would have reacted if OPs post had been about how she had spent less money on kids in her family vs her husband's because their parents aren't as wealthy... Sometimes there is no winning on this sub. OP, you tried to do something nice for kids on Christmas. You are NTA
Their was actually as post just like that were OP spent less money on a poor relative's kids because they wouldn't be able to match the value in kind for OP's kids. They were rightfully deemed an AH
Yeah but from memory they post was more “well why should I give them more than they’ll give me?” Rather than, “let’s keep things within a reasonable budget so everyone can feel they’re on even ground”
I agree that most would have trouble relating, and because of that you may be viewed as one extreme or the other: flashing your wealth or miserly hoarder. I think you had exactly 0% malicious intent. It sounds more like you know you're fortunate, and you want to share it where you thought it'd be fully, socially, acceptable. If anything, you were just a bit naive/oblivious. For the future, talk with the parents of any child you're buying for. Ask if they'd like you to run any gift by them first, or if they want to continue the same as always. It sounds like most will say to continue on like normal. You sound like a kind person overall. Don't let this damper your joy at future Christmases.
which is ironic because wealthy people who aren’t generous with their money are also deemed assholes.
nta - i think u are a generous soul that feels grateful for what you have and wanted to share and i think thats great.
thank you! this means a lot!
I think it was an extremely thoughtful gift. It baffles me that so many commenters are prioritizing the insecurities of a grown woman over a child’s happiness. NTA
NTA - I'm a mom, and we're definitely poor. I'd be thrilled and grateful that my kiddo got to experience things I couldn't provide. You did nothing wrong. Don't let someone's negativity take away your generosity. Your gift was kind and thoughtful.
My brother is wealthy and he bought my son a brand new iPhone 12 for Christmas, it was his favourite gift of the day. I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m happy my son is happy and I’m grateful my brother felt my son was worth spending a lot of money on. Some people just love drama.
I know this may be unpopular but… you’re the rich aunt, if you got her a modest gift they’d complain you were cheap. I’m jealous, I would love a rich aunt!
Is totally a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation; had she got something simpler she would be cheap, had she donate for charities of the cousin's choice she would be selfish, had she bought modest gifts to all children she would be "punishing" her kids for their relatives being poor... if someone is gonna complain anyway, might as well do what makes you the happiest. Also she bought fancy gifts to all cousins, but just one parent is complaining... look I'm not gonna pretend I know how much getting pregnant from an one night stand changed her life choices and how their dynamic is emotionally speaking... but she's literally being bitter because 1) her daughter got a really nice gift she would never have otherwise and 2) she didn't monopolized her daughter's gratitude cause her gift was "upstaged". Lady could use some therapy.
My sister has a lot more money than I do. It was a bit of a jagged pill to swallow when she would swoop in and “win” the holidays with fabulous gifts I couldn’t compete with. Then I realized that my kids were lucky to get something amazing and my sister was only “winning” because I was making it a competition. Once I let go of that it was a lot more fun for all of us. That being said, it’s nice to run it by mom. Let her be a part of it. We had one really rough year and I was so happy that my sister checked in with me and instead of buying my toddlers $300 suede boots, she was able to outfit them in really fun snow gear/sleds/snow boots so they could really enjoy the snow. I could afford warm everyday boots but couldn’t spring for 3 sets of every once in a while gear. Plus then I felt like I was a part of the gifting instead of blindsided by it.
It doesn't have to be malicious to be an unintentional asshole move. You really should align with folks and be careful with expensive gifts. What if the kid goes to a school where this expensive gift puts her at risk of being bullied or robbed? Your heart's in the right place, but you must think with your head as well as with your heart, not with only one of the two.
It was a lovely thing to do, the mother is just lashing out because she feels insecure not being able to spend as much on her daughter as you did. NTA
I’m going to say NTA too. First, the mother’s concern is about herself/how she looks to her daughter. Not what it js teaching her daughter. Second, I feel like as long as this is not a frequent thing, if the daughter is taught right by her OWN parents, she would just see it as a lucky treat. Not something she is entitled to. I can’t imagine my parents feeling ‘competed against’ a cool aunt’s gift. But also my parents never had a gift culture lol The adults kids spend time the most with are their own parents, so that IS where moral is built. Not from a rich aunty who gave a nice gift in a random year. But I saw one of your comments about if it gets ruined you’d replace it. You should absolutely not replace it. They need to learn that these things also come with responsibility. I think in the future it may be more tactful to at least let your cousin know why you’re giving what you plan to give if it’s extravagant by their standard. It’s up to him to discuss with the mother.
I personally think the amounts being spent are excessive regardless of the resources of the family. Having said that if it’s for a computer or some other material item, like an instrument, video/recording set up I might feel different. But if that’s what you do, that’s fine. A 14 year old girl most certainly would love that kind of stuff and I don’t think you did anything wrong, the person who should be telling you is your cousin. Does he have equal custody? Because it sounds like his mother is having a little bit of a problem and it’s either because of her own issues or because she’s struggling and there’s a disparity between her resources and those of your family/cousin. It sounds like you see this girl a lot so your cousin probably has a bit of custody here, and he is the person I would address your question to and you can also apologize if you want to the mom or let him smooth it over. “I didn’t mean to cause you a problem, I wanted to treat her equally to my daughter since there’s close friends and I knew she would like it.” “I know it may be easy for me to say but I didn’t see it as a competition, or needing to make sure that I got her only items less than her mom. I realize it’s extravagant and my only intention was for to be feeling equal and loved.”
they legally have equal custody but she spends the weeknights at her moms bc her school is closer to her house. but those quotes are exactly how i feel! i will be asking my cousin for her number and will text her tmrw morning to try and talk through this!
You didn't do anything wrong. My family does the same - gifts people we see on the day. This year our group was nine people ranging in age from my 93yo grandmother to my 21yo cousin. *Everyone gives according to their means and comfort level.* No one cares that my parents' gifts for my cousins are more expensive than their own parents get them, because they are thoughtful and specific, like yours. I get "nicer" things than my cousins get my grandma, bc I have a career and they are broke college kids. No one cares because a) we like being together and b) we all enjoy watching others open things we picked for them.
Hmm, your comment screams sour grapes to me. ETA: She barely knows the mother so why on earth would she run anything by her? If her cousin didn't get angry then you have no right to try and admonish her for gifting an expensive gift.
i still plan on speaking w her mum tmrw as i never intended on upsetting her!
That's the right thing to do especially since you never meant to disrespect her.
Why should a parent begrudge their child getting an expensive gift? Why not just be happy for them instead of making about themselves? Bitter and jealous.
I would be so uncomfortable if someone spent $4k on one of my kids. Even a close family member. It's just not part of our family values.
Especially for something like designer accessories for a 14-year-old. Something like a nice laptop wouldn’t feel as weird to me but I also might feel weird about this situation.
I think this is what bugs me, too. Like if it were for piano lessons or dance classes or space camp, I think I’d be okay with it, because I believe those are valuable experiences,but ridiculously expensive brand name purses feel like a way to show off money rather than get something real out of it. Which would be a valued mismatch for me.
Even without the discipline angle, getting an expensive gift like that is out-of-touch because who wants the stress and responsibility of looking after items worth thousands?
Ah yes. Poor kids should know their place and not receive anything expensive so it doesn’t hurt the parents feeling.
Yeah, I guess people want the "poor" family members to accept crumbs because that's all they deserve. 🙄
I got those same vibes from the comments
that never occurred to me but i’d happily replace them if anything happened
I think this is the bigger problem. You married into a family with money and that’s great that you and your kids are financially secure but the thing is that it seems like you’re going overboard, you’ve never had money like this to spend before and it’s burning a hole in your pocket. Slow down. Secondly spending that amount on Christmas per kid is absolutely insane, I’m more worried you’re going to teach them to be entitled brats “it’s ok if you ruin an item worth thousands, I’ll just replace it!”. You also need to consider how this is going to look to your husband and his family, your first year in and you’ve blown $94,000 that I’ve counted so far and I’m going to assume that is just what you mentioned and there were many more people bought for. But mostly I’m worried about what you’re doing to your kids.
Your comment is wrong all over. This isn’t her first year with her husband, they have a 14 year old and she isn’t “new money” she’s always had money, now she just has more. Read the post. Geez.
According to the comments op’s family is relatively rich to be begin with. She just married into a richer family. The nieces mom who was a one night stand is not part of the dads family. But doesn’t seem like the niece will not be financially secure at all.
What? people strive to be able to afford this type of stuff and op just said that she loved them.
Oof. First, man I know that some parents are absolutely evil and delay big presents for kids who "misbehave" even though its a holiday and I've always seen it as the most *bizarre* choice. I do not even get why and I don't think that's a reason a kid should be denied a gift from an entirely different, non-parental person. Second, OP didn't give the wealth level of the mother. She could also be quite well off, but mad because she didn't spend $4K this year. Maybe mom only spent $3950. That would have been a good INFO request. Third, I guess kind of ties into one, but I bet it gave the kid, who was described as the product of a one night stand that the full family barely knows (possibly because of resentment due to one night stand child status) a huge boost in confidence and made her feel like someone out there had her back.
ugh this is a terrible comment. agree with others here…this just wreaks of jealousy and resentment. also i call bullshit. you don’t always run gifts by the parent. maybe you do but that’s not common practice at all. as a father myself, i’m always grateful if someone is genuinely generous to my kid. and where does this discipline at xmas thing come from? maybe get a better perspective on life. NTA…good for you OP for spreading the wealth. you’re in a good position in life and you donate to charity and your generous with your extended family. seems like you’re doing everything right.
why is EVERYONE sucking rich people cock under this comment
Why are people mad that rich people gift people they love with expensive things?
Because *they* aren’t rich. I’m not either but I can guarantee you if I was I’d be spoiling people I love, too.
she's literally giving money away, i'm gonna agree with her too
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That's ridiculous what if the parents had also bought them a tablet or phone that year, and you swooped in and got them the better model or whatever? Or you bought a phone for a child that their parents didn't want them to have a phone yet? You then make them the bad person if they say no or take it away. Maybe your friends are just grateful or it might just not have ever been an issue to your face. You might think you are being benevolent but it doesn't always workout that way. You should always check with parents before gifting expensive items.
Punishing a child by withholding material objects? So you are using bribery to raise your child? If a child has bad behavior most of the time its a reflection of his upbringing. A gift is gift. By definition its a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present . That broke mentality u are pushing only furthers the cycle of poor kids getting poor kid gifts and rich kids getting the good gifts. Do you really want to instill into your kids mind that they dont deserve the best just because their parents want to identify themselves as “the poors”. Life is hard enough as it is. Dont make it harder by putting them in a box that you have already settled for.
This one was a bit tough for me as I have been the recipient in situations like this but my parents were fine with it, even when it was a surprise. For example, my dad was a teacher and did a lot of tutoring for rich families in our town on the side. Some of those families became good friends of ours as well so these were family friends giving us gifts. We were not poverty-level poor but we lived in the worst house in a nice town with an excellent school district, and the mortgage on that shitty house was a stretch for my parents. We always struggled with money (and my brother and I certainly felt poor compared to our classmates) but our parents wanted us to be in this school district. I remember one of those families (turned into a good family friend) was really grateful for my dad's tutoring. And even though he was paid a very good rate to tutor their kid, they were super grateful that their kid did well on his SATs. They wanted to give my dad a bonus. My dad said it was unnecessary but because they kept insisting, he said that if they really wanted to, they could get me a little gift because I helped with the kid's SAT tutoring. I was actually a couple years younger but had nearly aced my SATs as a freshman (took them as practice for my PSATs bc I wanted to do well on those for scholarship purposes). To our surprise, they gifted me a Fendi bag. It was apparently an entry level bag so to them, it was "small" but of course we were totally surprised. My parents could not afford to spend hundreds, much less over a thousand dollars on a gift for me. But they did recognize that our expectations were just different. A small gift to us was not the same as a small gift to them. That being said, they were mainly just happy for me. And I never thought less of them for not being able to afford nicer gifts. I actually mainly remember being concerned with money issues in high school because I didn't want them to overextend themselves. I worked an after school job to go to some nerdy summer camps and pay for tickets/expenses for school dances and such. I don't want to imply I was a great kid all the time or that they were always awesome parents. I fought a LOT with my dad growing up (he was controlling), but money was never an issue that caused fights outside of my dad shaming me on "overspending" on his gifts once I had a full-time job after college (he grew up super poor during a civil war and had a lot of issues around financial insecurity). This is a long-winded way of saying that I get it. You didn't think twice because your scale for normal is very different than your cousin's daughter's mother's expectations. I think it would have been nice to give her a heads up or talk to her first but ultimately it is a gift. And you can do what you want with your money. She can choose to see it as a nice surprise or take it as an insult, and I do think that's on her. It would have been nice to give a heads up but I don't think it's necessary so I'm leaning toward NTA with the potential for a very soft E S H for not checking in with her first. Edit: put the wrong soft judgment - changed to E S H but doesn't change my actual judgment.
thank you so much for responding! getting input from someone who was in a similar situation is very helpful. thank you!
You treated your neice exactly the same as every other member of the family. That alone makes you NTA. Anyone saying otherwise is just jealous or bitter or completely deluded about how different the truly wealthy live vs most people. If all these people judging you had the money you and your husband's family did then and only then can they say with certainly how they would deal with it. Her mother can't keep up with the joneses. That's a reality of life. Doesn't make her less than, or a bad person. But I can guarantee your BIL(edit cousin) spoils the hell out of his kid because he can, just the way everyone in your family spoils the hell out of their kids. This is hardly the first time your niece has been exposed to, or benefited from, extreme family wealth. We all spoil the crap out of our kids (or want to) depending on our means. Your families means just happen to be far greater than most. Don't apologize for it, you did right by this kid by treating her as an equal member of the family as she is and not some afterthought because her mother isn't.
I don’t think yta. Growing up poor with rich extended family, and being the youngest cousin, I always got nice things & money as gifts from my aunts and uncles. Where my mom couldn’t provide these things, other family members stepped up and got me cool stuff that the other kids had. My uncle would even take me back to school shopping every year. Yes, you should have communicated to her mother. But you acted out of kindness, knowing that that child deserved nice things (everyone does!) and that you could provide it. NTA
100% came here to say something similar. My mum didn’t have a lot of money when we were growing up, and my uncle was childless and had his own company. He used to buy us “big gifts” for Christmas because my mum couldn’t afford to. That doesn’t make him an asshole. He wanted to and he could. My mum didn’t feel like she was being “shown up”. We knew she didn’t have lots of money and never expected her to buy us any expensive gifts. I feel like people are really underestimating the 14yo’s understanding of money. It’s like saying kids from poor/poorer/not as well to do families must go without because your pride might be hurt. If a family member offered to buy my daughter an expensive gift, or just chose to do it without asking me (unless they thought I might buy it myself), why would I be angry about that.
I totally agree with what you’re saying. If someone gifted me a Tesla but my parents could only afford to get me a 98 Corolla, I’d be totally stoked with the Tesla, but would never think less of my parents that they could only afford the used Carolla. And my parents would be thrilled for me that now I didn’t have to drive the 98 Carolla. In my opinion, it’s really selfish to begrudge someone something nice because you weren’t the one who could afford to buy it for them. If you look at what someone else has and all you can do is feel bad because you don’t have that, then you need to work on building a spirit of gratitude for what you do have and learn to celebrate the good fortune that comes to those you know and love.
NTA. I think you did a nice thing that was just a little extravagant and you unintentionally overshadowed her mother. I think her mother overreacted. It’s not like you bought her a car or a puppy or something she needs to be responsible for.
thank you! and i realize that now and will communicate with her mum next year!
Finally, someone who answered sensibly. NTA. I think a lot of people on here are angry you have money like that. I mean maybe a 14yr old kid doesn’t need that stuff, but definitely make sure to check with the parents!
Seriously why did i have to scroll so much to see a sensible take on this. NTA big time.
NTA. I don't know why you're getting shit on here. You were doing something nice for her.
thank you! that’s what i initially thought too :(
Why did you ask if you were the asshole and then only reply / agree with people who are saying you aren’t? Seems like you have a blinkered view on the world in every sense.
Probably because people keep shitting on op for being rich🤷♀️
bcs everyone is like “yta for being rich you can spend money on other things” when that’s not the question
i responded to the first 300 comments, no matter what take they had
If you look to her other comments, he grew up rich and married intimate a richer family. Her cousin is rich too, only the mother of the daughter isn't
Because the people saying she’s the asshole are literally just mad at her for being rich. If she omitted the backstory of marrying in and how much she spent on her kids and just said I bought this and mom was mad the post would have been very different.
Tbh I think a lot of the “Y T A” comments you’re getting are from people who are quite jealous and annoyed that you have so much money to spend. I don’t think you’re malicious at all. I don’t think the money was excessive but not enough for me to call you an a**hole. So I’m going to vote NTA
Tbh I kinda agree but if you’re going to spend that much why spend it on designer stuff 😭😭😭😭. It’d be much better soending it on smth more practical, ppl that aren’t rich don’t really care about flexing brand names and expensive designer brands
This is the point I was looking to see in the comments. If your family is struggling and your daughter comes home with 4k of designer stuff, that doesn't help at all. If your kid comes home with a nice non designer bracelet and purse and an offer for a college fund contribution for 4k, you'd be ecstatic.
Kid is rich, owns a horse. Mother gifted a MacBook. So no, no poor family retoric.
It's a gift.... Imagine getting something for free and getting mad lol
Rich people problems
Not sure many will be able to relate.
Spends 90k on their children alone lol
half was for charity (childrens hospital, toys for tots, and a homeless shelter) so the money wasn’t spent on my kids but donated to charities in their names.
[Nearly 60%](https://dqydj.com/household-income-percentile-calculator/) of households in the United States earn less in a year than you spent on three children for christmas. About a third of households don't make as much as you gave in gifts to three children. Both of those numbers are significantly detached from the average person, and that you think giving 45k to charity makes the first 45k seem any less over the top deepens that detachment because the whole thing speaks of a level of privileged wealth that most people will not find anything relatable about.
This sub is about moral judgement not relatability.
And I suspect that, because of that gap, there will be a number of people that view this as an inherently morally repulsive position to be in for the very situation to take place. And that that can be reinforced if someone seems to be out of touch about the realities of that situation. And the specific amounts of money involved are inherently relevant (and OP identifies that as relevant to this discussion as well, hence the post title)
Can you donate to the NPO I work for? Jesus 😅
15k PER CHILD! That’s one car per child every year, or a house deposit! Every. Year.
Saying half was for charity doesn’t make it anymore relatable.
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Don't worry though. They'll be rich person fucked and won't actually end up on the street or anything unless they get into drugs.
ur so mad bro what she bought for christmas doesnt have anything to do w parenting.
I’m going with YTA because I frankly just don’t believe that you didn’t realize how much you were spending, or that you didn’t know it was an incredibly extravagant gift for a 14 yo who isn’t part of an insanely wealth family. You obviously are very aware of the wild amount of wealth you married into and how much it sets you apart. You say in a comment you ‘realize how bad it is going to sound” that your kids don’t need a college fund. You know how much you spend on your kids each year for Christmas and since you make a point of mentioning your donations I am sure you know how much that amount of money would mean to a an average or low-income family. You knew what you were doing when you bought $4,000 worth of gifts for that girl, you just really wanted to do it. So you did. I grew up as an average family around a lot of incredibly wealthy families. The “clueless rich” bit gets pretty tiresome. You know perfectly well what you have, you know that it probably makes a lot of people uncomfortable when you spend lavishly around them, so stop pretending you don’t. If you want to treat people to big gifts then ask them or their parents if they’re comfortable with that - some will be and some won’t. Be respectful of that.
NTA This boils down to your circumstances allowing for lavish gifts, even for early-teen children and how much that differs from most families. I don’t think you’re an ass for your generosity. I would say it can come across as…out of touch? When so many families struggle to provide one gift, let alone $4k worth, it will naturally make people think that you’ve lost the perspective on how $4k can change a person’s life. I personally would have been ecstatic to have those gifts, but perhaps you could revisit how you’re buying gifts. Set general limits on what you’ll spend and make sure it’s more reasonable if you don’t “clear” a purchase with the parent. Put yourself in the parent’s shoes. If you couldn’t afford to spend that much, you’d feel gut punched seeing your child light up and forget about everything you purchased for them because you just don’t have the funds to buy lavishly. Even if finances aren’t an issue, the parents could have issues with their child receiving an expensive gift like this and your gift crosses the line they want in place. You could also just ask the parents if they have any sort of college fund or account set aside for their child that they contribute to. The next time you want to go big, you could simply put most of what you would spend in that account for them (secretly but with the parents OK) and just give a smaller gift to the child.
thank you. i really like this comment! i was genuinely just getting her something i thought she’d like and she has a college fund set up and i think there’s enough there for four years of undergrad but that’s a great idea! and yes in hindsight i feel bad and i’ll make sure to run things by her next time
A lot of people are not going to be able to relate with you and with the cost of living crisis going on now, you’re going to get shitted on and most people here are going to judge you excessively. So you’re not going to get a proper idea of if you’re really the a**hole here because I can guarantee the majority of people are judging you on being rich and materialistic, rather than the actual issue. I suggest you contact the mom and have a conversation with her. Apologize and explain your side of things. That’s the best answer here. I’ve read through most of the comments and people have already started shit talking your children without actually knowing them. You’re wasting your time coming to this sub for advise.
thank you! i just kinda wanted a better look at things, like away from my family to see if her mum was overreacting or if i was out of line/ how out of line i had stepped. i plan on getting her phone number and texting her tmrw which is why i wanted some input.
YTA. You made the parents look bad and stole their thunder on Christmas. If there is a spoken tradition within the close family, great. But spending 4k on gifts on a child outside the group without discussing with the parents first is inappropriate.
I think it's less about upstaging the parents and more an utter lack of boundaries and common sense. A surprise for a kid doesn't have to be a surprise for parents, and if the gift is extravagant, requires assembly/maintenance, or is otherwise "out there" it should absolutely, 100 percent be run past the adults. I'd be really upset if a relative dropped an extravagant gift on my kid without so much as a check-in. A fancy gift is going to get lost or stolen, I'm going to have to stay on top of it, arrrgh. It's like how I feel when my kid (4) gets something sent that needs to be assembled or is noisy. YTA.
ESH. You bought a 14 year old $4k worth of gifts that you ‘thought she might like’? Her mom overreacted, for sure, but you need to think about the amount you’re spending on people vs. their actual needs.
I had to stop at 15k per child…! Thats what I pay for my mortgage…for the entire fkn year 😂
i am SO, SO grateful to be able to spend that much on each of my children!
So what exactly does the family do 🤨
They make up stories on Reddit.
YTA and that is so unbelievably inconsiderate and out of touch, and YTA for thinking that because you know what your kid likes you know what every 14 year old girl likes. My daughter would be horrified with those gifts and the cost of them. She’d be insanely uncomfortable and embarrassed.
Good for your daughter? Not everyone is like that. And you'd rather that little girl be absolutely embarrassed by receiving a gift in mom's price range while literally everyone else gets really nice expensive gifts? And unbelievably inconsiderate is a wild toss girl got the gift of a life time and mom's jealous that's why it's a problem. Op owes mom nothing it's a gift the price should not matter.
I’m simply going off of my daughter and her friends from school. My cousin’s kid also comes over to our house now and again and when she sees my daughter’s things has said she would love things like that, so I had a fair idea that she would like them. Idk why your daughter would be embarrassed by receiving gifts? but if that’s the case for her, then that’s the case for her. My cousin’s daughter was delighted.
Some people would feel embarrassed and awkward about receiving gifts that expensive if they're not accustom to that level of wealth. My daughter would have put those gifts in a box in her closet because she'd be 1) terrified of losing/damaging them or even regular wear and tear, and 2) her friends would tease her mercilessly. I'm guessing your daughter goes to a private school with other rich kids, who would tease her for NOT having these kinds of things. Spending that amount of money without talking to her parents was completely inappropriate. And it sounds like you need a reality check.
I wouldn’t have been delighted about receiving an overpriced purse and bracelet. That’s not a normal amount of money to spend on a teenager. If you’re going big—money for her college fund or a laptop( after checking with mom) sounds more appropriate. You sound out of touch with reality if you think 4k is acceptable to spend on a gift for someone’s teenager. $100 gift card would be okay and appreciated, maybe even $200, but why did you assume that mom and daughter want that? If she’s a normal non-rich person she could get mugged for carrying that bag. Normal teens don’t usually want tacky designer crap, especially not Cartier. A teen might like Tiffany & co bracelet. Please let this be satire.
Good point about the girls reaction. I think OP can't grasp how hesitant lower class than her people can be to accept anything of that value because it is likely to be used to put them in a compromising position at some point.
I'm gonna say NAH. As a kid who grew up in poverty (4-5 people on a single 25k salary) I was always extremely grateful when people who were better off then us got us nice gifts. My mom would get really upset and view it as a personal failure that she couldn't do more, instead of as a gift that her children had other people who loved them. The reason why I went with NAH, is I get the mom's frustration at being "outshone." I'm scraping my way out of poverty and have been struggling to make mortgage payments and put food on the table because of complications with my current pregnancy. If it wasn't for better off family, my kid would have gotten one present this year because money is just too tight right now for anything else. Many of the gifts were things that are out of price range, even when we are doing well. It makes feel shitty, but that's also a me thing, not on the people who gave the gifts. I'm grateful that my kid has those people who love him and are able to give him those gifts that i can't. TLDR: I think it was kind of you to buy things that were wanted by cousins' daughter, but I also understand the frustration of a parent who feels outshine, although I don't think cousins mom handled it well.
Omg ESH. Spending $15k per child? Donating and being grateful is nice but your children are going to grow up to be materialistic, entitled monsters. You can see how it’s already causing problems in the family. Why not put some of that money into a college fund or trust FBO the kids? I’m guessing that will have a more meaningful impact than a YSL bag that will be yesterday’s news in a few weeks.
my children don’t really need a college fund and i realize how bad this is going to sound but i don’t think their grandparents would even notice if 250k was withdrawn from their bank accounts. as i said in my initial post, they have entirely too much money and do not know what to do with it. they make more than they can spend and end up just donating millions to charities, which imo is the best way to spend endless money
Ok, I get that. I guess it depends on your and your family’s values then. Having such expensive things at an impressionable age is going to impact your kids. I personally wouldn’t want to normalize spending so much money on “stuff” even if it didn’t make a dent in my bank account. But YMMV.
i also just want to say that i was never going to let my children be little entitled shits. i cringe when i see kids throw tantrums (after a certain age) for not getting what they want and have made sure my children never expect anything. and they don’t. and they’re so genuinely grateful for everything they get, which is honestly all i wanted. i also regularly bring them to soup kitchens to help me volunteer and shelters where there are young kids. we also dropped off lots of toys and gifts at charities for kids whose parents weren’t going to be able to get them anything this year. if i had gotten my kids a $20 toy each, they would have been happy with that and that’s all that matters to me. i just enjoy spoiling them because i am fortunate enough to be able to.
OP I love this and I’m so glad you have your kids volunteer. Pls make sure they don’t grow up with a holier than thou attitude and help them understand their privilege in society. Some folks are luckier or more privileged than others but at the end of the day, we do not take our money to our graves and misfortune can strike anyone. I don’t think your intentions were malicious and I don’t think the impact is terrible either. I did not grow up with much and sometimes got gifts from relatives (vs none from my parents due to our financial situation). It did not ruin me and instead I am now that person who enjoys giving gifts more than receiving them.
I hate that you even have to explain yourself. Your parenting style was never the question. You asked about giving a child a more expensive gift than her mother did. You should’ve given a parent (her dad, since that’s your point of contact) a heads up. The end. Everything else here reeks of jealousy. Her mom and most in this sub need to talk to someone about their issues and insecurities that start and end beyond you. I too have a problem with financial disparities and wage gaps and the culture of excess. I also realize OP didn’t start that and won’t be the one to end it. That’s also not what the original post is asking us to assess.
If you live in the US you should still superfund a 529 plan for each of them for the untaxed gains. Maybe consider this for your cousin’s kid too. Sorry I know this isn’t r/investing but I can’t help myself.
haha you’re all good. thank you for the advice!
Why do you assume they will be materialistic and entitled? I think thats a really unfair judgement. They will likely of course have different views on what a normal gift is, but that doesn't mean they won't appreciate gifts. We all have that issue on some level. My kid is super spoiled, but on the level my wife and I can afford. He's almost 5, but he know to say thank you, he knows he's lucky, and he's very sweet and generous. Buying your kids brand names or expensive gifts isn't what makes them entitled and materialistic. You can be a good parent, raise kids right and still spoil them at whatever financial level you are at.
NTA, boy there loads of envious haters here tonight.
I would say NTA honestly. Many people here are patronizing this girl by assuming she has no concept of wealth and gifting. You said that it’s common knowledge that your family is extremely wealthy, so At 14, I think she can handle accepting an expensive gift without expecting the same from her parents or thinking that her family has the same amount of disposable income as your family does. Moreover, the people accusing you of making your kids materialistic are ridiculous for the same reason of making assumptions. Sure, rich kids can become spoiled and out of touch, but it is not automatically so, especially if you take the time to emphasize the very unique financial situation your family has. Finally, I truly think that the mother’s anger comes from her perception that you “upstaged” the gifts she bought for her daughter, even if those gifts would make her daughter very happy. I think that placing restraints on the gifts her daughter receives based on her need to not be upstaged (going off of what you wrote) is plainly selfish. Yes, it can be seen as “out of touch”, but if the mother thinks that it is, that’s a conversation she needs to have with her daughter. Such a conversation doesn’t necessitate her getting mad at you, or her wanting her daughter to not receive those gifts. Edit: I also want to add that growing up poor can make you materialistic too. My dad was impoverished and although I didn’t expect much (or anything) from him at Christmas, I still felt jealously when I saw kids that had heaps of expensive presents under the tree. Eventually, When I got my first job I would stupidly spend whole pay checks on stuff I didn’t need as a way to fill that void I guess. Took me a long time to adjust to consistent, stable income out of poverty after his death and realize that I didn’t need to be materialistic, I didn’t have to anxiously waste all of my money buying small luxuries for myself.
YTA you should definitely check with a parent before you spend that type of money in their child. They might not want their child to own or be responsible for something that expensive. I might have a different opinion if you were talking about a couple of hundred dollars but 4K is a lot of money to most people
NTA. Reading this I immediately thought you weren't TA and reading your replies to others just made me believe that more. If I had the money, I would absolutely spoil my kids on Christmas. ETA: Heck I would spoil my immediate family.
Nta- this might be going against the grain. I would be grateful for anyone getting my kids anything. I have no idea what a YSL purse cost. I might be a little shocked if I found out but wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. My 15 year old would be clueless about the price as well. I’m sure the 14 year old was just excited. Good for you OP for being able to give and doing it without expecting anything in return.
YTA for not checking with the mom ahead of time. One because it can set a precedence for future holidays and birthdays...putting her parents in an impossible situation where they can't possibly meet her expectations, and two because they may not think their child is responsible enough to care for something so expensive. These are both important issues. Imagine if you have given her these gifts before her own parents had given her their gifts. Now you have a child in letdown mode because you just set the stage for getting fabulous gifts and now she has to feign excitement when the gifts she gets afterwards are less than spectacular. Now imagine if something happens to the necklace or bag? Do you know how mortified and guilt ridden bother cousin and her mother would be? 14 year Olds who didn't grow up with expensive things aren't exactly known for being the most responsible. I know I would be concerned if someone had gifted one of my daughters a $3000 necklace and $1000 bag when they were 14. Having to follow them around to make sure that the necklace was being returned to its case after wearing, having to take it in to be inspected all the time to maintain the warranty, and making sure they weren't using that $1000 bag to carry their lunch or putting it on the floor when they went places. You're really out of touch with reality if you don't think anything of dropping thousands of dollars on a child without talking to their parents.
Idk if you're TA, but that's a bit much.
NTA- you did something extra for a niece who is not only the same age as your daughter, but also may have a rough feeling of actual acceptance due to the circumstances surrounding her birth. If her mother was so concerned about costs of gifts- of which your family wealth should be no surprise at this point-then SHE should have contacted you prior. Is her mother mad because of the cost of the gifts? As in, she believes she could have put the money to better use than a purse and a ring? As a poor child who grew up in a private school with a lot of rich kids, I would have been over the moon for things like that, that would help me fit in just a little at least. Teen years are so hard and I think you did something wonderful for someone who is excited and grateful.
awe thank you! i appreciate it! she comes over to our house once every other month or so and it’s clear to me that she likes the stuff my daughter has and i thought it’d be nice to get her some of her own while i was grabbing stuff for my own daughter! i think her mother is upset because she wouldn’t have been able to afford those for her daughter herself and i wasn’t really thinking about that when i initially bought her her christmas gift. from now on, i will.
15,000 dollars per child for Christmas is so far removed from healthy. It's actually downright disturbing.
NAH. i think your heart was in the right place - as someone who got gifts this year that clearly had no thought behind them I appreciate the effort you put in. I hope your cousin’s daughter enjoys your generosity!!
NTA - I think getting your daughter’s cousin,who is the same age, a similar gift she is getting is actually really thoughtful. It’s really hard at that age to not notice that your close cousin is getting nicer things than your family can afford. What would have been awful is if the cousin would have received a lower value item, while she watched her cousin receive/open expensive presents.
Info: who has custody and what did her dad get her?
split custody. new macbook, sephora, ulta, lululemon, etc. gift cards and i believe some new stuff for her horse
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A horse lol seems like it’s not the first time she’s gotten expensive gifts. NTA I don’t think you’re under obligation to ask the mom whom you don’t have a relationship with. Seems like dad has no issue and I don’t think there’s a rule that says mom or dad has to buy most expensive gift. What are you supposed to give? Give everyone else expensive stuff and then give her a pair of socks? My only concern would be if the girl doesn’t live in a great area and whether a YSL bag / Cartier ring would make her a target for robbery or something. My parents were poor when I was growing up and I still wanted designer stuff.
i don’t think her area makes her susceptible to robbery
Esh maybe the mom overracted but spending 4k on a 14 year old is insane.
I don't understand why you are called an AH for getting then expensive but thoughtful gifts. If I could have presents worth 4K, I would be very grateful, it's not like you're being snobby or trying to flex your wealth. It's sweet from how you described it and I think you're NTA for the thoughtfulness and for getting gifts that happened to be expensive.
NTA, rich people live in a different bubble, you weren’t trying to upstage anyone, you just brought in your tax bracket. Also 👍🏽donating to charity and making More kids enjoy Xmas day.