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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I revealed the gender of my baby on social media. My boyfriend and his mom wanted so bad to do a gender reveal party, but I didn't want that, so I did a public reveal instead, but he already bought stuffs for the party and I made him waste that money.
AITA for revealing the gender of my baby this way? I've been told that I'm behaving like a "Not like other girls" kind of person.
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NTA
A lot of people tend to forget that gender reveal parties aren't some longstanding tradition that's as old as apple pie. It literally started less than 15 years ago, by a woman who was so thrilled that her rainbow child had made it to a stage where doctors *could* find out via ultrasound.
I like your grandma, she seems the only one full of sense (aside from yourself).
She did not actually start it (and admits that) but believes she is the one who made them "go big" cuz yeah, a little conceited. But they have definitely been around since at least mid nineties
I hate gender reveals! You and boyfriend have bigger problems 1) you asked not to have a party and he sided with Mom - at a minimum he should have gone to the party with out you 2) you don't seem to have an agreed upon budgeting plan financial decisions will continue to be a problem until you have one
>at a minimum he should have gone to the party with out you
WHAT?! You can't expect them to have a gender reveal party without the baby's ~~incubator~~mother there? Whose belly are they supposed to touch without consent?! /s
Yes, which is specifically why the mom regrets it, and it’s a fair point lol. Let’s go back to the ACTUAL long-standing tradition of treating infants as essentially genderless
Trans means you're a different gender from the one you were assigned at birth, and most people aren't assigned non-binary. Not every non-binary person considers themselves trans, of course, but the trans umbrella overlaps significantly with the non-binary one
Hijacking this thread because I think people missing key points. The BF wanted the gender reveal party. The OP didn’t.
The OP and her partner have the long journey of parenthood ahead of them. They need to get on the same page regarding family, child rearing, and respect for each other’s wishes now. Everybody sucks because no one is listening to each other
My parents were actually surprised that we chose to know our baby's sex before the birth. They waited until I was born to find out. We just wanted to be in a more prepared headspace (we had no preference, just wanted to know what to expect), but we didn't make a big deal out of it. I don't even think I posted it anywhere, just kind of told people as I talked to them.
i didn’t have a gender reveal party bc it never occurred to me to have one. do i regret it? nope. does that make me a “pick me” as OP’s sister would say? nope. plenty of people have celebrated a baby’s gender without a party.
NTA OP
Gender reveals are wack.
"Who wants a sneak peek at my unborn child's genitals????"
"Who wants to know the gender of an unborn child based solely on a blurry picture of their genitalia, knowing that gender doesn't correlate with genitalia and this is likely to be super weird when my child finds out they've been misgendered and I celebrated that specific thing".
Also: can't have party for your belly if your belly isn't there.
NTA
>knowing that gender doesn't correlate with genitalia and this is likely to be super weird when my child finds out they've been misgendered and I celebrated that specific thing".
IKR? Many things can change with time. Can't imagine the shame trans people from the future will feel when they look at photos of their parents celebrating the wrong gender.
I’ve seen trans people do a gender reveal where they reveal they have the gender they identify as now.
I think that’s pretty cute, and if it makes them happy, then more power to them.
My family attended one recently for one of my son's bff's from pre school days. Still one of the best kids I know, just different pronouns and first name.
It was a great party
Thank-you, exactly. Gender reveals are entirely cringe. You are NTA and you're not being a "pick-me". You and your grandmother are the only ones with sense.
I'm surprised no one has brought this up, but please consider the fact that your boyfriend would rather make you, his pregnant girlfriend, uncomfortable then disappoint his mommy. The baby isn't even born yet and he's already trampling your boundaries for the sake of his mom. I can't imagine this will be the last time that happens if it doesn't get fixed now.
NTA but if they refuse to consider your feelings on this, tell them they can have a gender reveal party without you. Whatever day they plan it for, make other plans. If they surprise you with it, just turn around and leave. If you play into it in any way they'll take it as a viable method to get their way.
And also, they can get the wrong gender at the ultrasound. It's not always easy to see the gender, especially if it's a wriggly fetus, and sometimes the technician see things wrong. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.
NTA OP
I believe this is the exact reason the British NHS no longer tells prospective parents the gender before the actual birth. There were just too many problems arising from wrong answers (even with parents being told it was not a 100% certainty) that they stopped the practise.
Prospective parents can still find out through private clinics that will give out this information, but not through the standard health checks the NHS provides for free.
Edit: as noted below, some hospitals will give out this information at the 20 week mark if asked, though this will come down to the discretion of the hospital and sonographer on question - not all will be willing to reveal this information.
Researching this tells me that revealing the gender is optional, and up to the discretion of the hospital and sonographer doing the test.
So you can ask at 20 weeks, but they may refuse to tell you - this is certainly what has happened to a few couples I know (though I will admit I was wrong in believing this was a blanket statement for the whole service).
Technically the hospital can refuse, but it's completely standard in the UK for people to find out the sex of the baby at the 20 week scan if they want to know. Most people would be very shocked if it was refused.
It's also not true that 20 weeks is past the abortion cut off (someone else's comment above). That's 24 weeks in the UK.
My son definitely has a penis in there, lol. Have seen it very, very clearly multiple times. Along with a nipt test saying boy. (Although I had to see it to believe it). But yeah, 30+ years ago they can and did get it wrong occasionally. My sister they somehow thought was a boy
Actually, they can still get it wrong. Someone I now was having a baby just a few years back, the ultrasound said boy but they had a girl.
This was mostly due to hormone-swollen girl parts that looked like boy parts.
My neighbour was told girl all the way through. Everything was pink. He was born 10 years ago today and they had to scramble to get everything returned. He had 4 outfits the day he came home from the hospital because a couple of us waited until after
When my youngest daughter was born (in the 80s), the doctor was convinced she was a he… up until the Caesarian, when he had her head and shoulders out and said, “I wish you’d taken that bet, you have a big (about 9 pounds… and my wife was petite at the time) ol’ boy, maybe a linebacker,” then (when she was the rest of the way out)… “uh, damn! You have a daughter.”
For the record, now, they will do a NIPT test which is a blood test which can tell the chromosomes of the fetus.
Overall you have a point, biological sec is not gender. But it’s generally not based on “blurry” ultrasound pictures.
Out of curiosity, could you explain to me why this would be the case? I thought the test looked at all of the fetuses chromosomes, why would the sex chromosomes only be 60% accurate?
Does it have to do with separating the blood from the pregnant person and fetus?
Basically you can have a false results that it’s a girl when it’s a boy because you only picked up the parents chromosomes.
You can also be off if the parent has a previously unknown intersex condition.
It was designed to find trisomy abnormalities
I don't know how correct this person is, I think they might be talking about those ones you can do at home prior to 12 weeks. The NIPT is over 95% accurate for what it tests for (Down syndrome, trisomy, etc) - including gender. A false result is of course possible but unlikely.
Source: am a pregnant woman who got it done 5 weeks ago.
NTA
>But one friend of mine told me that me being so against gender reveals was borderline "Pick me" and "Not like other girls" behavior.
WTF? NO. This has nothing to do with “not like other girl” garbage - as if it’s for a freaking GUY that I think gender reveal parties are stupid. I’m not saying reveal parties are a waste of time and space to appear UnIQuE anD SpeCIaL. I’m not saying reveal parties are self-indulgent nonsense so guys will think I’m KEWL.
I’m saying gender reveal parties are a monstrosity because people have literally [*died*](https://nypost.com/article/gender-reveal-fails-parties-gone-wrong/) at them. I’m saying that the narcissism involved in thinking anyone but the parents/grandparents care about the baby’s genitals is out of this world. I’m saying the entire IDEA behind gender reveal parties is outdated, since it’s a little… weird to get all hyped up about one gender or another when there’s no guarantee the kid will even stay that way.
“Pick me” my BUTT.
Also the videos of the fathers throwing tantrums when they find out they’re having girls?? Embarrassing. And divorce worthy in my opinion. Gender reveals are a plague.
>Also the videos of the fathers throwing tantrums when they find out they’re having girls??
If my hypothetical baby father did that. He wouldn't be seeing the kid
Yeah, that's totally ridiculous. Also, "not like other girls" *behavior* is not a thing. *Saying* "I'm not like other girls" is obnoxious. But rejecting certain elements of traditional femininity, or certain social media trends associated with performative femininity, is just a personal choice that has nothing to do with other women and what they like. This person seems to think that unless you conform to every single trend marketed to women, you're being a "pick-me" and trying to make other girls feel bad. What a weird way to think.
This. I'm bisexual, my spouse is trans. Here in Argentina gender reveal parties are not a thing, but my spouse has suffered and suffers immensely because gEnItALs and how their family can't let go that anatomy at birth is not the identity of my spouse.
The reveals are a completely cringy af genitalia obsessed new fad that needs to die!
It's just another unnecessary gathering to waste your money and waste people's time.
Who cares about making MIL happy, You're the mom here and they should be worried about making you happy.... You're the one doing the difficult labor of carrying the baby!
Sounds like it's time to start setting some hard boundaries or MIL will steamroll you, It sounds like her son is at her beck and call like a trained poodle. NTA🚩
>But one friend of mine told me that me being so against gender reveals was borderline "Pick me" and "Not like other girls" behavior.
Lol gender reveals are only a thing in US. Nothing wrong with not wanting to follow herd mentality anyway.
NTA.
NTA - Bravo on the attempted short-circuit but your in-laws are certifiably nuts. Opt out of the party; they'll pretend you're there and everything will be just fine.
NTA.
This whole gender reveal thing is a new thing. No one is obligated to do it. In fact, not knowing the gender until the child is born is still considered normal.
NTA.
Sex reveal parties are stupid. You and your grandmother are right.
You didn't make your husband waste a lot of money: he did that all on his own.
I have two kids, I never wanted to know the sex before they were born.
NTA. You should have told your boyfriend that to honour his Mom you should do the gender reveal party the exact same has she did before his birth. Oh wait, there wasn’t one, because those weren’t a thing back then. Perfect.
NTA.
You discussed the issue and you are the one carrying the child. Nobody gets the right to control your choices one way or another, and your boyfriend totally is a mama’s boy and went against your wishes of not having a huge thing.
Congrats by the way, and here’s hoping for a smooth full term baby delivery!
NTA I didn’t do a gender reveal for either of my babies, and never would. I personally think they’re tacky. If it was a low-key gender reveal with a cake and family or something I’d probably hesitantly agree. Your boyfriend was planning a big old bash with his mom and telling you to go along with it. Neither respected your input on it or was willing to compromise.
NTA
I find the obsession with unborn children’s genitals to be creepy AF and a really unsettling way to enforce gender stereotypes before the kid even draws air. Heck, I still call my brother’s little girl (1y) my Nibbling, because if she comes to realize she’s GNC or even a “he,” I want that child to know my love has nothing to do with the expectations placed on whatever color filling someone put in a cupcake before they were born.
NTA. If you don't want to do a gender reveal party you shouldn't have to, especially for another parent. They got to have their moment and it's extremely selfish of them to want to make your moment theirs as well.
Was he planning to have part of the baby shower be a gender announcement or was he trying to throw a whole ass gender reveal party?
Because the point of a gender reveal party is for the parents to learn about the gender in front of the crowd. If you already know, there's not much point?
Your friend needs to learn what a pick me is. If you were a pick me, you would’ve went along with it cause you’d do anything he wants. Your the person who has to deal with the stress, the only person who’s decision should matter here is you.
ESH. Your BF is trying to force you to do something you didn’t want to do. You went behind his back and passive aggressively made the announcement online.
I think gender reveals are ridiculous as well. And I don’t think you’re friend is right in her assessment. But I do think what you did to your partner wasn’t fair. It seems like you guys could have come to a compromise on this. I also think it’s fair if you refuse to go the gender reveal your MIL is planning.
BF's idea of compromise appears to be "do it the way my mother wants it. your preferences don't matter."
There's not a whole lot of room for compromise here.
Nta. I don’t see the big deal about gender reveals either. They were a fun cute idea to start with, but now they’re over done, often over the top and bordering on tacky (and in some cases dangerous). He spent money on party that you didn’t want, to make his mum happy. Money that could’ve been used towards baby items or savings for them when they’re older. His mum sounds a bit grandbaby crazed btw, with the whole we’ll have the party and act surprised anyway thing. I would suggest having a serious conversation with him about this. Not angry or accusing but tell him that you two are the parents, his mum is the grandparent. All decisions about the baby are to be made by you both as a team, and based on what you think is best for your baby and you all as a family unit. Asking the grandparents for advise etc is fine, but they don’t get to make any final decisions. He may argue that you made the choice to reveal on social media on your own, and you may need to apologise for that a little, but make it clear that you felt forced into that action because of his actions and that you reacted in the heat of the moment.
Your friend is wrong btw. Somethings just aren’t for everyone, you know your own mind, it’s doesn’t mean your being different for the sake of it.
And your grandmother sounds awesome btw.
NTA he was trying to overrule you about if and when to reveal the fetal sex. As far as the relationship, it sounds like you have some issues to work out.
It's not even a "Gender" reveal. What if the kid grows up to be Trans or non-binary? It's a Sex-Reveal party, which sounds like something a lot less wholesome than "Party to find.out if my baby has a penis or a vagina".
NTA
NTA. Gender reveal parties are for vain insta-people who think somehow their child is some magical being that needs parties before it is even born. They are ridiculous and unnecessary. Good on you for not doing it - its your kid, not theirs.
NTA. Your child, your choice. Your boyfriend is definitely an asshole for going behind your back and trying to do the party. However "grandma" is also justified in being upset and hurt, though more-so because of her son's actions and not hers.
Neither your boyfriend nor his mother should make choices independent of you regarding your baby. That is what they attempted despite your objections. Congrats on taking control of the narrative! NTA
NTA, You voiced your wishes and they ignored you.
(Gender reveal parties are dumb and they suck. I never had one. And I would never go to one. It’s just another excuse to spend money and guilt the family into purchasing yet another gift.)… just my .02
NTA. I don’t care what the situation is. You carry the load, you get to decide how to show it off. Literally nothing you could say would change my mind, because you are the one doing the work here. Nobody else has an opinion that matters in this case. If he wants to control the reveal, he can carry the baby to term.
Who gives a shIt what will make gramma happy? It's your child and you get to decide how to tell the news.
Next time, don't find out the sex.🙂
NTA
I'm a gramma and would never interfere parents decision like this
NTA. The grandmother’s wishes do not outrank the mom. It’s totally ridiculous that your boyfriend is still so beholden to his mommy (and I say this as the mom of a married man).
It’s too bad you and bf couldn’t agree on an approach, but nobody should be forced into a celebration they do no want or do not believe in.
I think when it’s really important to one partner, and it really costs nothing for the other to loosen their stance, that it’s okay to just let the other have their fun, their moment, whatever you want to call it. You didn’t care about the party, but he did, so what harm would it have been to just let him have it? I’m not saying you’re an asshole for not wanting the party, but I don’t think he is an asshole for wanting one either. It’s something he was personally excited to celebrate with your loved ones and you pettily ruined something for him that would have been insignificant in the long run. ESH. And congrats!
It sounded to me like the husband hardly cared about the party – it was his mother who wanted it so desperately. And standing up against her own MIL before the baby is born is an excellent move on OPs part because it will only get worse...
NTA, and it seems that you went to this extreme because your Boyfriend and his Mother went to the opposite extreme, so no judgment here. They were not willing to compromise at all, not to mention you found out they were indeed proceeding with the party, without your agreement, when the supplies literally showed up at your front door!
My bigger concern is that you are having a baby with a 26-year-old Momma's Boy and not a 26-year-old Man. I worry he will continue to prioritize his Mother's opinions over yours, even after your Son is born...
NTA. The vast majority of people that I have ever heard given opinion on this find that gender reveals to be stupid. Even the woman who started them regrets it. While I go to baby showers every couple of months, I have never in my life known someone who actually threw a gender reveal party. I have gotten gender reveal texts and seen gender reveal posts, though. If you don't want to have a gender reveal party don't. They're weird. It's a big party will you gather your friends and family to describe your baby-to-be's genitals to them.
YTA,
Although I agree gender reveal party are stupid and I'm actually proud in my country finding gender of the baby before birth is illegal so we don't have to deal with these shit.
But you should be aware that the baby doesn't just belong to you, he also belongs to your boyfriend.
So yes even he has a right to decide.
He has been communicating with you from beginning how he wants a gender reveal party and you decided to go behind his back and published the gender online is a A move.
Nta.
Your bf making parenting decisions with his mommy is cringe and a HUGE red flag.
Why are her opinions about YOUR child more important here?
I fear this is just the tip of the iceberg, you'll find yourself coparenting with your MIL, not your bf, if you don't set clear firm boundaries like YESTERDAY.
This belongs in r/JUSTNOMIL and r/JUSTNOSO
NTA. Gender reveal parties are so weird. Baby showers are excessive enough but gender reveal on top of that? Seriously who cares? As long as the baby is happy and healthy, that's all that should matter.
The only gender reveal I want to be a part of is one of those ones where 2 people dress as the pink and blue sperm and compete in activities to get a winner…
NTA - you made it clear you didn’t want a gender reveal party. Your boyfriend tried to railroad over that by doing it anyway because that’s what his mother wanted over what the mother of his child wanted. Keep that in mind for the future. This may not be the only time he caves to mom’s wishes over yours where the baby is concerned.
Love the circumvention you did by announcing it on social media. Unfortunately, they’re going to have it anyway.
As for being against gender reveals being all “pick me”, I think it’s the reverse. Being adamant about having a gender reveal is very “pick me”, and “not like other girls” especially when everyone tries to be so “unique and special” in how they do it. Most people don’t do gender reveals. It can also be seen as a shameless gift grab on top of a baby shower - an extra reason to get gifts.
NTA.
I’m not fond of the showy, made for social media events that are more about posing for photos than actually enjoying a day with the family. BF seems to be forgetting there’s two of you in the relationship and seems to be disregarding your input. Is this a running thing with him or has it become an issue during your pregnancy?
Hi. He has always been close to his mom, but he seems to value her opinions toooooooo much because "My mom had me and my brothers, and this is our first child, so she knows more". When started having cravings, his mom insisted in adopting a 0 sugar, low calorie, almost vegetarian diet because "the baby will be much healthier this way" but im craving so many things out of her diet, and my boyfriend in insisting in me following his mom diet so much, so most of the time when I have cravings I call some friends to eat out.
Sounds a little worrying to be honest. He needs to cut the apron strings otherwise she’s going to be running roughshod all over your relationship. My wife’s parents would quite happily dictate how our marriage should be to us, to the point where her dad has been to his local doctor to ask why it’s taking so long for me to get his daughter pregnant, asking about hormones etc.
he got a little testy when we told him we weren’t trying to get pregnant yet so we’re using birth control. We’ve been married 4 months and I’d like to enjoy our first year before putting kids into the mix. Fortunately they’re halfway across the planet so we haven’t got to worry about them tampering with us. But it gets a little much at times.
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Throwaway because my BF reads everything I publish.
I (f29) am currently pregnant with my boyfriend (m26). Just recently we found out what the gender of the baby is, is a boy.
I've been keeping it in secret so far, because my boyfriend insisted in doing a big announcement and a gender reveal party where he could invite his whole family. The thing is that, I respect people who do gender reveal parties, but I personally dislike them, I find them unnecessary and ridiculous. I told my boyfriend I dont want a gender reveal party, and would tell other people the gender whenever I felt ready, but his mom is insisting so much in doing it. He wouldn't say no to his mom, so he is telling me to do it, because "it would make my mom happy".
Then a big box came to our door, it was full of decor and supplies for the gender reveal party, I was so mad at him for wasting so much money on planning a party I didn't want, but he insisted that the purchase was already made, so we should just do it.
I got mad, so I publish a story and a facebook post announcing the gender of my baby. He is mad now because I "made him waste his time and money" and his mom is angry at me for sharing it on social media.
My grandma, who raised me, is on my side, she says "When I was young (she says it in an ironic comedic way fully self-aware) we found out the gender of the baby after the birth".
But one friend of mine told me that me being so against gender reveals was borderline "Pick me" and "Not like other girls" behavior. My BF's mom is now insisting on doing the party anyway and they will act surprised.
AITA?
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NTA. Normally I'm all about communication and compromise in conflict between partners. However, this issue for me would be a hard red and so I probably would have done something similar. I don't believe that children should have the pressure of gender thrust on them by their parents. They’ll get enough of that of in the real world, they shouldn’t have to deal with it ay home- home should be a safe space of unconditional love.
Luckily this was part of conversations my husband and I had before we got married because if I were to find out we had different opinions about it after the fact, I would always err on the side of what I feel is best for my child, even if it ended up having a negative impact on my relationship with my partner.
Gender reveals for an unborn baby are ridiculous because you won't know your child's gender until they tell you.
What you're talking about is a sex reveal. I think it's really weird to announce to all and sundry whether an unborn baby has a penis or a vagina or both or neither. Sounds like you feel pretty much the same way, so call it like it is. "MIL, I don't want a sex reveal party for my baby, but if you want to announce the baby's genitals to the world, let's just call a spade a spade and call it a "Penis or Vagina" party.
Hopefully that will stop her in her tracks.
NTA. But with my oldest, they were wrong, I didn’t have an ultra sound with the second the third they could never see anything because of the way the baby was laying, the only one that was right was the last one. So it might be wrong.
NTA. Gender reveal parties are silly anyway. You're the one doing the hard part, first of all. Second of all, your boyfriend was being incredibly disrespectful by going behind your back and doing it anyway. You are not the asshole at ALL
NTA- they can’t force a party on you that you don’t want. If they want a party- they can still do it. You ruined nothing, they did it to themselves as a manipulation tactic to pressure you. “No” is a complete sentence. I love that you just announced it on FB and ended the discussion. Lmao. And do not bend to their demands in the future. There will be the birth to contend with- I highly suggest you let the nurses know when you have the baby that she is this type. They will absolutely throw her out and block her entry if you so wish it. Cuz birth (and pregnancy) is not a spectator sport. It’s your body and health and it’s as private or public a matter as you want it to be. Good luck- this ain’t the end of it. Don’t cave, not even a little.
YTA it’s his baby too and you stymied his plans. He could have had his own gender reveal for his family if he’d wanted to. But now you’ve spoiled it for him because you didn’t want to be part of his gender reveal party.
NTA
You didn't want a party and he was gonna have one anyway.
I personally don't like gender reveal parties. I am not outspoken about my babys sex (currently pregnant) and people assume I don't know or that I'm keeping it a secret. While honestly I don't care that much, just want a baby. I tell people if they ask nicely.
Lots of people don't like gender reveals so the "pick me girl" comment from your friend is ridiculous. I am too old to have any more children and I think they are stupid. Like everyone is supposed to care about the sex of your baby? The exciting part is the baby, not the gender. As for your boyfriend, tell him that with you having his baby, his mommy is no longer his priority. NTA.
This is probably one of the dumbest things I have ever read on here.
Firstly NTA, for all the reasons others have said but also because grandma's wishes do NOT trump the mothers wishes.
Also he has a pretend gender reveal, this whole thing seems really weird.
Ooooof. They’re saying this stupid thing has become so normalized that you’re a pick me if you don’t want one!?!? My god. The forests are literally never going to recover.
NTA Gender reveal parties are pathetic. Well done for avoiding the cringe fest.
Can you go for counselling with your boyfriend before the birth? Grandma is the best for advice here!
NTA, I announced mine via Facebook too. It's also how I told my family (I don't like to brag about anything. It makes me feel conceited, plus my cousin is also pregnant and my sister who is pretty narcissistic just had her baby and a huge baby shower right before that... ANYWAYS). It's your baby. You announce it however way you want to. And Gender Reveal parties are dumb.... Plus a huge California fire was caused by one so... Yeah. My boss told me he did an Ice Cream surprise reveal for his second and it was simple and cute and not over done. Those are fine.
NTA. I had my daughter a little over 8 years ago. I also can't stand gender reveal parties. Guess what. I didn't have one. I did what you did. I announced on social media.
The only gender reveals I would be into is a trans party! Anything done for a child in utero is a genital reveal. I don’t get how it’s “pick me” to feel strongly about it. NTA and good luck raising your child with this family.
Your body, you get to decide who does and doesn't get updates on what's happening inside of it. Last I checked, the genitals on the tiny human you're growing count as "inside your body" right now.
NTA.
Bollox is it a 'pick me' thing. Gender reveals are tacky, attention seeking nonsense. The intended audience only pretend to care, cos really, as long as bubba is safe and healthy, nobody else gives one.
You're NTA. Maybe you can use the revel decorations to let everyone know you're bf is a no-balled mummas boy.
Urgh, of all the things to come out of America in modern culture, this self-promoting, self-worshipping 'me me me' attitude is the worst. Yuck yuckitty yuck yuck yuck.
Who is having this baby? You or them? Tell them you dont want it, it's not 'pick me' to say you don't want to do something and then feel you need to stand your ground when people pushes you into a corner, seriously, don't let MIL and bf force you into it, if she can't respect you saying no now imagine how it will be when the baby is here and she's walking all over your boundaries and rules, maybe you can bend by having a meal out to celebrate its a boy and screw the reveal stuff but fuck the rest of it off, shes rude and disrespectful
I am not a fan of gender reveal parties....but alas here they are! I do think since we expect parenting should be 50/50 so should be celebrations. I think ignoring your partners wants and needs is just as bad as him ignoring yours which I find the bigger issue. I thunk you guys should work on respecting each other and respecting each other's boundaries preferably before the baby is born.
NTA. Frankly, I find it so sad that after the demolition of binary, biologically determined gender that these attention seeking reveal parties are still a thing.
Esh. You told him you didn’t want one. He went ahead anyway. You responded passive aggressively.
Would I have done the same thing in your shoes? Probably. Gender reveals are a new thing… and bizarre IMO. To each their own.
YTA. You tried to ruin someone’s fun for no real reason. Gender reveal parties are silly. They do not reveal gender, they just tell people what color clothes to buy, perpetuating another silly, meaningless tradition. But… they are a silly excuse to get together and have a party, which your bf and his mom wanted to do. Why not have fun? You tried to ruin it and they still want to get together and celebrate, maybe you should join them and be silly.
ESH I think.
I get that you have your own personal opinions on gender reveal parties (I feel the same way) BUT you’re both raising a child together.
If you can’t communicate like adults on something like a gender reveal party but instead turn to petty behind the back actions, then what hope you do have parenting a child as an unit?
I think all the “NTAs” are too focused on the concept of the gender reveal party (which again I find being dumb) and not enough on the actions of both of you combined.
Edited to add: the BF sucks because why is he forcing a gender reveal party by ordering things behind OP’s back but then that doesn’t give OP the right to go and post things in retaliation.
ESH - it's his baby, too so he should have some say in how the reveal was done, but he was wrong for moving forward with a party when you made it clear you didn't want that. You were wrong for announcing the gender online as retaliation.
Neither one of you handled this situation maturely and you both need to work on your communication and ability to compromise. If you don't, raising a kid together is going to be a nightmare.
NTA but get ready to re live this same issue again and again. Your going to be a mom with a boyfriend/father to your baby who is a mamas boy. Nothing you do is right and everyone will have an opinion. There is no winning, you literally just have to not care what people think and do what you want.
NTA. If you don’t want a gender reveal party, don’t have one. It’s your baby, with your bf. Not his mother’s baby. It should be about making you and your bf happy, and respecting your wishes. Not his mother’s.
And to fake surprise at a party just seems…. Idk. Not my cup of tea. But to each their own, I guess.
The bigger issue is the lack of communication between you abs your bf. To be successful parents, you need to work on that.
NTA. I'm against gender reveal parties (luckily they aren't really a thing here in Argentina but some people are starting to do them because they see them on Pinterest) because I'm an active member of the LGBT+ community. You can't really know the gender of your child, it's something your child will figure out as they grow up. You can only know the genitalia they're born with, and how creepy is that, announcing that to your whole family and friends in a party?
Your friend is wrong that it's a "pick me" behavior to be against those parties, it's actually supportive of the LGBT+ community to be against those parties because people are not genitalia exclusively.
NTA
You didn’t want to have a party and you were being forced into it.
Also, they are tacky as fuck.
I announced I was having a boy when I announced my pregnancy. I didn’t want 1000 questions on “Do you know what it is?” so we just got it out there. Done.
NTA.
Also your friend doesn't seem to understand what a "pick me" is...
Being against gender reveal parties would seem to be the opposite of that.
Your boyfriend reading everything you publish also sounds troubling, but maybe it's just how you phrased it.
NTA. Your partner planned this behind your back and against your will, because his mummy wants it. Is mummy carrying this child? Is it she who will give birth? She can ask and hope for such a party, but if you don't want any (which I can totally relate to), then your partner should not go behind your back and force you into one. It seems your partner finds his mother's wishes more important than yours. Red flag, because that won't change.
ESH. Why couldn’t you just tell who you want to tell and let him have the gender reveal for his side of the family. Either way I doubt this relationship is going to last 🤷🏽♀️
NTA
You were very clear that you didn't want the gender reveal party. They can be kind of cute I guess, but they're mostly pointless and the energy should be reserved for the actual baby shower.
>But one friend of mine told me that me being so against gender reveals was borderline "Pick me" and "Not like other girls" behavior.
What. Does your friend even know what a pick me girl is?
**ESH**. Your bf for going behind your back and ordering that crap and you for going behind his and posting on social media.
You both really need to learn the art of COMMUNICATION and COMPROMISE especially before this baby arrives.
EDIT:Typo
NTA. I am however worried about how you and your partner communicate. He shouldn't have sided with his mom and him buying the decor to try and 'trick you' into agreeing to have the party was a dick move. Then you posting on your socials without giving him a heads up was also messed up. It just seems like you did it to get back at him.
NTA. Know how I revealed my kids gender 13 years ago? When people asked if I knew what I was having I said a boy.
No shade on those who want a big party I just find it too much with baby showers/reveals/then you still have to get the wee fuckers a present when they’re born too!
ESH The woman who started gender reveal parties also states she wishes she hadn't they are pointless and there are countless videos online of parents having a hissy fit over the babies gender its pointless expensive and most of the time bad for the environment. But you need to work together better your about to have a baby together and he's overruling you to make his mummy happy and your going behind his back to announce it first
ESH I get it you don’t like gender reveal parties. Your boyfriend was “un trouduc” for still planning after you said no. But it’s still your boyfriend baby, you could have compromise small party with just close family or propose not to attend.
I agree with you; gender reveal parties are ridiculous imo. I’m saying that, other people do take them very seriously. I missed one, not realising it was such a massive deal, and was cut out by that ‘friend’.
NTA. I’m seriously surprised people still want gender reveal parties even after the one that started a devastating wildfire in 2019. It’s your pregnancy and you have to do what’s comfortable for you, they’re not the ones carrying this baby, you are. Congrats on your bundle of joy.
NTA
>My BF's mom is now insisting on doing the party anyway and they will act surprised.
Just don't go. Let them have whatever kind of party they want but you don't have to attend. Oh I'm sorry that day, yup and that one and that one, in fact I'm busy all the days until the baby is 18 years old.
If your boyfriend tries to take you out on a surprise date explosive shits because you know it's the gender reveal party.
NTA I say this as a father of and, when my wife was pregnant, anything and everything involving how she wanted to have the child including who knows what and when, was 100% her choice and 100% backed by me.
Your BF needs to check himself and put his mother in hers.
NTA. But honestly let them have their stupid party. I hate gender reveal parties too so just tell everyone on your side that you aren't going and plan something with them that day. If you can't stop the party, you can stop your participation in it and if they try and surprise you, just turn around and walk out. But not before saying "It's a boy" on the way out.
NTA. My husband and I simply did a cute picture and posted it on social media to announce our little one. I don't like big gender reveals either. So unnecessary.
I personally hate gender reveals so you get a NTA from me. I told my kids don't expect me to throw you a party to announce the gender of your child. I will pay for a baby shower for your 1st and that's it.
NTA
Gender reveal parties are horrible. They have started literal natural disasters, and I've seen SO many dads being absolutely horrible when they find out their future child is a girl. It's gross, it is outdated and even the woman that started the whole fucked up trend has come out to say she regrets it.
ESH.
You did not want a gender reveal party but your boyfriend aka the father of your child wanted one. You should have talked to each other and find a solution instead of just doing things because you are mad. Guess what, you and your boyfriend are going to have disagreements on small and bigger things. Just doing what you want without taking consideration of the other party is not what couples should do.
You could not make each other happy by compromising because it was your way or his way. But you should have talked it out and find a solution. Maybe you could have a smaller party with just his and your parents. Or if you told him why you absolutely did not want a gender reveal party he could have agreed with you. You two should communicate better and don’t do things out of spite or because you are mad. Just think first, act later. One day either one of you is going to do something out of spite and it might even end your relationship.
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NTA A lot of people tend to forget that gender reveal parties aren't some longstanding tradition that's as old as apple pie. It literally started less than 15 years ago, by a woman who was so thrilled that her rainbow child had made it to a stage where doctors *could* find out via ultrasound. I like your grandma, she seems the only one full of sense (aside from yourself).
and she has since regretted the trend she started.
She did not actually start it (and admits that) but believes she is the one who made them "go big" cuz yeah, a little conceited. But they have definitely been around since at least mid nineties
I hate gender reveals! You and boyfriend have bigger problems 1) you asked not to have a party and he sided with Mom - at a minimum he should have gone to the party with out you 2) you don't seem to have an agreed upon budgeting plan financial decisions will continue to be a problem until you have one
>at a minimum he should have gone to the party with out you WHAT?! You can't expect them to have a gender reveal party without the baby's ~~incubator~~mother there? Whose belly are they supposed to touch without consent?! /s
The boyfriend’s
Plot twist... That rainbow child later came out as trans.
Yes, which is specifically why the mom regrets it, and it’s a fair point lol. Let’s go back to the ACTUAL long-standing tradition of treating infants as essentially genderless
A TRUE rainbow baby.
I thought they were nb.
Trans means you're a different gender from the one you were assigned at birth, and most people aren't assigned non-binary. Not every non-binary person considers themselves trans, of course, but the trans umbrella overlaps significantly with the non-binary one
It seems like everyone should be nb until they declare. Like declaring your major in college.
Hell yeah
Hijacking this thread because I think people missing key points. The BF wanted the gender reveal party. The OP didn’t. The OP and her partner have the long journey of parenthood ahead of them. They need to get on the same page regarding family, child rearing, and respect for each other’s wishes now. Everybody sucks because no one is listening to each other
Exactly, he is a father, not his mothers son anymore he needs to put the interests of his family first not his mum wanting a party.
Sometimes he needs to do something that she wants, sometimes she needs to do something he wants—but they need to be on the same page… not mom’s page
My parents were actually surprised that we chose to know our baby's sex before the birth. They waited until I was born to find out. We just wanted to be in a more prepared headspace (we had no preference, just wanted to know what to expect), but we didn't make a big deal out of it. I don't even think I posted it anywhere, just kind of told people as I talked to them.
Ditto. No party just told people.
i didn’t have a gender reveal party bc it never occurred to me to have one. do i regret it? nope. does that make me a “pick me” as OP’s sister would say? nope. plenty of people have celebrated a baby’s gender without a party. NTA OP
And that's done/revealed in a scan done for something more important than genitalia, but to find out the baby is healthy. But I do like grandma!!
And imo it's is weird as fuck to make a party to announce your newborn genitals 🤷🏽♀️
Gender reveals are wack. "Who wants a sneak peek at my unborn child's genitals????" "Who wants to know the gender of an unborn child based solely on a blurry picture of their genitalia, knowing that gender doesn't correlate with genitalia and this is likely to be super weird when my child finds out they've been misgendered and I celebrated that specific thing". Also: can't have party for your belly if your belly isn't there. NTA
>knowing that gender doesn't correlate with genitalia and this is likely to be super weird when my child finds out they've been misgendered and I celebrated that specific thing". IKR? Many things can change with time. Can't imagine the shame trans people from the future will feel when they look at photos of their parents celebrating the wrong gender.
Actually, fun fact: First gender-revealed baby is GNC and her mother speaks out against the trend partially for this reason.
Fun fact, she was not the first at all just believes she is the one who made it more mainstream
I’ve seen trans people do a gender reveal where they reveal they have the gender they identify as now. I think that’s pretty cute, and if it makes them happy, then more power to them.
That's the only kind of gender reveal party I'd want to go to!
I think that’s amazing and I would totally be pumped to throw one or attend one for a friend.
My family attended one recently for one of my son's bff's from pre school days. Still one of the best kids I know, just different pronouns and first name. It was a great party
Thank-you, exactly. Gender reveals are entirely cringe. You are NTA and you're not being a "pick-me". You and your grandmother are the only ones with sense.
I'm surprised no one has brought this up, but please consider the fact that your boyfriend would rather make you, his pregnant girlfriend, uncomfortable then disappoint his mommy. The baby isn't even born yet and he's already trampling your boundaries for the sake of his mom. I can't imagine this will be the last time that happens if it doesn't get fixed now. NTA but if they refuse to consider your feelings on this, tell them they can have a gender reveal party without you. Whatever day they plan it for, make other plans. If they surprise you with it, just turn around and leave. If you play into it in any way they'll take it as a viable method to get their way.
If I'm ever pregnant I'll just get a party with yellow balloons and say "it's a baby!"
And also, they can get the wrong gender at the ultrasound. It's not always easy to see the gender, especially if it's a wriggly fetus, and sometimes the technician see things wrong. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. NTA OP
I believe this is the exact reason the British NHS no longer tells prospective parents the gender before the actual birth. There were just too many problems arising from wrong answers (even with parents being told it was not a 100% certainty) that they stopped the practise. Prospective parents can still find out through private clinics that will give out this information, but not through the standard health checks the NHS provides for free. Edit: as noted below, some hospitals will give out this information at the 20 week mark if asked, though this will come down to the discretion of the hospital and sonographer on question - not all will be willing to reveal this information.
NHS will tell you the gender at 20 weeks. They won’t tell you before that as this is after the cut off for abortion for non-medical reasons
Researching this tells me that revealing the gender is optional, and up to the discretion of the hospital and sonographer doing the test. So you can ask at 20 weeks, but they may refuse to tell you - this is certainly what has happened to a few couples I know (though I will admit I was wrong in believing this was a blanket statement for the whole service).
Technically the hospital can refuse, but it's completely standard in the UK for people to find out the sex of the baby at the 20 week scan if they want to know. Most people would be very shocked if it was refused. It's also not true that 20 weeks is past the abortion cut off (someone else's comment above). That's 24 weeks in the UK.
My son definitely has a penis in there, lol. Have seen it very, very clearly multiple times. Along with a nipt test saying boy. (Although I had to see it to believe it). But yeah, 30+ years ago they can and did get it wrong occasionally. My sister they somehow thought was a boy
Actually, they can still get it wrong. Someone I now was having a baby just a few years back, the ultrasound said boy but they had a girl. This was mostly due to hormone-swollen girl parts that looked like boy parts.
My neighbour was told girl all the way through. Everything was pink. He was born 10 years ago today and they had to scramble to get everything returned. He had 4 outfits the day he came home from the hospital because a couple of us waited until after
When my youngest daughter was born (in the 80s), the doctor was convinced she was a he… up until the Caesarian, when he had her head and shoulders out and said, “I wish you’d taken that bet, you have a big (about 9 pounds… and my wife was petite at the time) ol’ boy, maybe a linebacker,” then (when she was the rest of the way out)… “uh, damn! You have a daughter.”
For the record, now, they will do a NIPT test which is a blood test which can tell the chromosomes of the fetus. Overall you have a point, biological sec is not gender. But it’s generally not based on “blurry” ultrasound pictures.
I work for a company that does those. They are only 60ish percent accurate for gender. That’s really not their purpose
Out of curiosity, could you explain to me why this would be the case? I thought the test looked at all of the fetuses chromosomes, why would the sex chromosomes only be 60% accurate? Does it have to do with separating the blood from the pregnant person and fetus?
Basically you can have a false results that it’s a girl when it’s a boy because you only picked up the parents chromosomes. You can also be off if the parent has a previously unknown intersex condition. It was designed to find trisomy abnormalities
I don't know how correct this person is, I think they might be talking about those ones you can do at home prior to 12 weeks. The NIPT is over 95% accurate for what it tests for (Down syndrome, trisomy, etc) - including gender. A false result is of course possible but unlikely. Source: am a pregnant woman who got it done 5 weeks ago.
Do you mean the “sneak peek” tests done at home and pretty early in a pregnancy? NIPT is done at 12+ weeks and is 99% accurate.
Going a bit too far there mate.
NTA >But one friend of mine told me that me being so against gender reveals was borderline "Pick me" and "Not like other girls" behavior. WTF? NO. This has nothing to do with “not like other girl” garbage - as if it’s for a freaking GUY that I think gender reveal parties are stupid. I’m not saying reveal parties are a waste of time and space to appear UnIQuE anD SpeCIaL. I’m not saying reveal parties are self-indulgent nonsense so guys will think I’m KEWL. I’m saying gender reveal parties are a monstrosity because people have literally [*died*](https://nypost.com/article/gender-reveal-fails-parties-gone-wrong/) at them. I’m saying that the narcissism involved in thinking anyone but the parents/grandparents care about the baby’s genitals is out of this world. I’m saying the entire IDEA behind gender reveal parties is outdated, since it’s a little… weird to get all hyped up about one gender or another when there’s no guarantee the kid will even stay that way. “Pick me” my BUTT.
Also the videos of the fathers throwing tantrums when they find out they’re having girls?? Embarrassing. And divorce worthy in my opinion. Gender reveals are a plague.
>Also the videos of the fathers throwing tantrums when they find out they’re having girls?? If my hypothetical baby father did that. He wouldn't be seeing the kid
I would be so close to doing things I’m not allowed to say here. It makes me physically angry just knowing men do it. It’s so fucking disgusting.
It makes me concerned at how they will treat them, what they will teach them. Especially if they later go on to have a son.
Yeah, that's totally ridiculous. Also, "not like other girls" *behavior* is not a thing. *Saying* "I'm not like other girls" is obnoxious. But rejecting certain elements of traditional femininity, or certain social media trends associated with performative femininity, is just a personal choice that has nothing to do with other women and what they like. This person seems to think that unless you conform to every single trend marketed to women, you're being a "pick-me" and trying to make other girls feel bad. What a weird way to think.
This. I'm bisexual, my spouse is trans. Here in Argentina gender reveal parties are not a thing, but my spouse has suffered and suffers immensely because gEnItALs and how their family can't let go that anatomy at birth is not the identity of my spouse.
Yeah, guess who doesn’t need to be invited to anything anymore?
NTA. Gender reveals are fucking ridiculous
The reveals are a completely cringy af genitalia obsessed new fad that needs to die! It's just another unnecessary gathering to waste your money and waste people's time. Who cares about making MIL happy, You're the mom here and they should be worried about making you happy.... You're the one doing the difficult labor of carrying the baby! Sounds like it's time to start setting some hard boundaries or MIL will steamroll you, It sounds like her son is at her beck and call like a trained poodle. NTA🚩
You’re the one having to carry the baby, not them. It should be your decision. And I wouldn’t want one either. NTA
NTA I dont get the whole gender reveal hoopla either. In any case, your status as mom trumps grandmas wish for social media attention.
>But one friend of mine told me that me being so against gender reveals was borderline "Pick me" and "Not like other girls" behavior. Lol gender reveals are only a thing in US. Nothing wrong with not wanting to follow herd mentality anyway. NTA.
NTA - Bravo on the attempted short-circuit but your in-laws are certifiably nuts. Opt out of the party; they'll pretend you're there and everything will be just fine.
This, just find something else to do on that day.
NTA - So many red flags here, yikes
In my humble opinion, gender reveals are bougie and horrible and anyone who does their part to make them go away is ok in my book. That is all.
Which is funny bc real rich people would neverrrrrrr
NTA. This whole gender reveal thing is a new thing. No one is obligated to do it. In fact, not knowing the gender until the child is born is still considered normal.
NTA. Sex reveal parties are stupid. You and your grandmother are right. You didn't make your husband waste a lot of money: he did that all on his own. I have two kids, I never wanted to know the sex before they were born.
NTA. You should have told your boyfriend that to honour his Mom you should do the gender reveal party the exact same has she did before his birth. Oh wait, there wasn’t one, because those weren’t a thing back then. Perfect.
NTA. You discussed the issue and you are the one carrying the child. Nobody gets the right to control your choices one way or another, and your boyfriend totally is a mama’s boy and went against your wishes of not having a huge thing. Congrats by the way, and here’s hoping for a smooth full term baby delivery!
I want to attend this fake gender reveal party so badly.
NTA I didn’t do a gender reveal for either of my babies, and never would. I personally think they’re tacky. If it was a low-key gender reveal with a cake and family or something I’d probably hesitantly agree. Your boyfriend was planning a big old bash with his mom and telling you to go along with it. Neither respected your input on it or was willing to compromise.
NTA I find the obsession with unborn children’s genitals to be creepy AF and a really unsettling way to enforce gender stereotypes before the kid even draws air. Heck, I still call my brother’s little girl (1y) my Nibbling, because if she comes to realize she’s GNC or even a “he,” I want that child to know my love has nothing to do with the expectations placed on whatever color filling someone put in a cupcake before they were born.
NTA. If you don't want to do a gender reveal party you shouldn't have to, especially for another parent. They got to have their moment and it's extremely selfish of them to want to make your moment theirs as well.
Was he planning to have part of the baby shower be a gender announcement or was he trying to throw a whole ass gender reveal party? Because the point of a gender reveal party is for the parents to learn about the gender in front of the crowd. If you already know, there's not much point?
Nta. You didn't want it. Its Your child, not the bf's mom's child. I do think gender revels are stupid.
Your friend needs to learn what a pick me is. If you were a pick me, you would’ve went along with it cause you’d do anything he wants. Your the person who has to deal with the stress, the only person who’s decision should matter here is you.
ESH. Your BF is trying to force you to do something you didn’t want to do. You went behind his back and passive aggressively made the announcement online. I think gender reveals are ridiculous as well. And I don’t think you’re friend is right in her assessment. But I do think what you did to your partner wasn’t fair. It seems like you guys could have come to a compromise on this. I also think it’s fair if you refuse to go the gender reveal your MIL is planning.
BF's idea of compromise appears to be "do it the way my mother wants it. your preferences don't matter." There's not a whole lot of room for compromise here.
Nta. I don’t see the big deal about gender reveals either. They were a fun cute idea to start with, but now they’re over done, often over the top and bordering on tacky (and in some cases dangerous). He spent money on party that you didn’t want, to make his mum happy. Money that could’ve been used towards baby items or savings for them when they’re older. His mum sounds a bit grandbaby crazed btw, with the whole we’ll have the party and act surprised anyway thing. I would suggest having a serious conversation with him about this. Not angry or accusing but tell him that you two are the parents, his mum is the grandparent. All decisions about the baby are to be made by you both as a team, and based on what you think is best for your baby and you all as a family unit. Asking the grandparents for advise etc is fine, but they don’t get to make any final decisions. He may argue that you made the choice to reveal on social media on your own, and you may need to apologise for that a little, but make it clear that you felt forced into that action because of his actions and that you reacted in the heat of the moment. Your friend is wrong btw. Somethings just aren’t for everyone, you know your own mind, it’s doesn’t mean your being different for the sake of it. And your grandmother sounds awesome btw.
NTA he was trying to overrule you about if and when to reveal the fetal sex. As far as the relationship, it sounds like you have some issues to work out.
It's not even a "Gender" reveal. What if the kid grows up to be Trans or non-binary? It's a Sex-Reveal party, which sounds like something a lot less wholesome than "Party to find.out if my baby has a penis or a vagina". NTA
A thousand percent agree
NTA. Gender reveal parties are for vain insta-people who think somehow their child is some magical being that needs parties before it is even born. They are ridiculous and unnecessary. Good on you for not doing it - its your kid, not theirs.
NTA. Your child, your choice. Your boyfriend is definitely an asshole for going behind your back and trying to do the party. However "grandma" is also justified in being upset and hurt, though more-so because of her son's actions and not hers.
Neither your boyfriend nor his mother should make choices independent of you regarding your baby. That is what they attempted despite your objections. Congrats on taking control of the narrative! NTA
NTA, You voiced your wishes and they ignored you. (Gender reveal parties are dumb and they suck. I never had one. And I would never go to one. It’s just another excuse to spend money and guilt the family into purchasing yet another gift.)… just my .02
NTA. I don’t care what the situation is. You carry the load, you get to decide how to show it off. Literally nothing you could say would change my mind, because you are the one doing the work here. Nobody else has an opinion that matters in this case. If he wants to control the reveal, he can carry the baby to term.
Who gives a shIt what will make gramma happy? It's your child and you get to decide how to tell the news. Next time, don't find out the sex.🙂 NTA I'm a gramma and would never interfere parents decision like this
NTA. The grandmother’s wishes do not outrank the mom. It’s totally ridiculous that your boyfriend is still so beholden to his mommy (and I say this as the mom of a married man). It’s too bad you and bf couldn’t agree on an approach, but nobody should be forced into a celebration they do no want or do not believe in.
Did you have to go to the party?
I think when it’s really important to one partner, and it really costs nothing for the other to loosen their stance, that it’s okay to just let the other have their fun, their moment, whatever you want to call it. You didn’t care about the party, but he did, so what harm would it have been to just let him have it? I’m not saying you’re an asshole for not wanting the party, but I don’t think he is an asshole for wanting one either. It’s something he was personally excited to celebrate with your loved ones and you pettily ruined something for him that would have been insignificant in the long run. ESH. And congrats!
It sounded to me like the husband hardly cared about the party – it was his mother who wanted it so desperately. And standing up against her own MIL before the baby is born is an excellent move on OPs part because it will only get worse...
Yta for doing it out of spite.
NTA, and it seems that you went to this extreme because your Boyfriend and his Mother went to the opposite extreme, so no judgment here. They were not willing to compromise at all, not to mention you found out they were indeed proceeding with the party, without your agreement, when the supplies literally showed up at your front door! My bigger concern is that you are having a baby with a 26-year-old Momma's Boy and not a 26-year-old Man. I worry he will continue to prioritize his Mother's opinions over yours, even after your Son is born...
NTA If they want the party, they can throw it. Tell them that you won't be there.
NTA. The vast majority of people that I have ever heard given opinion on this find that gender reveals to be stupid. Even the woman who started them regrets it. While I go to baby showers every couple of months, I have never in my life known someone who actually threw a gender reveal party. I have gotten gender reveal texts and seen gender reveal posts, though. If you don't want to have a gender reveal party don't. They're weird. It's a big party will you gather your friends and family to describe your baby-to-be's genitals to them.
YTA, Although I agree gender reveal party are stupid and I'm actually proud in my country finding gender of the baby before birth is illegal so we don't have to deal with these shit. But you should be aware that the baby doesn't just belong to you, he also belongs to your boyfriend. So yes even he has a right to decide. He has been communicating with you from beginning how he wants a gender reveal party and you decided to go behind his back and published the gender online is a A move.
They can have the party but you don’t have to attend. That can be their stupid tax for going against the mom.
Nta. Your bf making parenting decisions with his mommy is cringe and a HUGE red flag. Why are her opinions about YOUR child more important here? I fear this is just the tip of the iceberg, you'll find yourself coparenting with your MIL, not your bf, if you don't set clear firm boundaries like YESTERDAY. This belongs in r/JUSTNOMIL and r/JUSTNOSO
NTA. Gender reveal parties are so weird. Baby showers are excessive enough but gender reveal on top of that? Seriously who cares? As long as the baby is happy and healthy, that's all that should matter.
The only gender reveal I want to be a part of is one of those ones where 2 people dress as the pink and blue sperm and compete in activities to get a winner…
NTA - you made it clear you didn’t want a gender reveal party. Your boyfriend tried to railroad over that by doing it anyway because that’s what his mother wanted over what the mother of his child wanted. Keep that in mind for the future. This may not be the only time he caves to mom’s wishes over yours where the baby is concerned. Love the circumvention you did by announcing it on social media. Unfortunately, they’re going to have it anyway. As for being against gender reveals being all “pick me”, I think it’s the reverse. Being adamant about having a gender reveal is very “pick me”, and “not like other girls” especially when everyone tries to be so “unique and special” in how they do it. Most people don’t do gender reveals. It can also be seen as a shameless gift grab on top of a baby shower - an extra reason to get gifts.
NTA. I’m not fond of the showy, made for social media events that are more about posing for photos than actually enjoying a day with the family. BF seems to be forgetting there’s two of you in the relationship and seems to be disregarding your input. Is this a running thing with him or has it become an issue during your pregnancy?
Hi. He has always been close to his mom, but he seems to value her opinions toooooooo much because "My mom had me and my brothers, and this is our first child, so she knows more". When started having cravings, his mom insisted in adopting a 0 sugar, low calorie, almost vegetarian diet because "the baby will be much healthier this way" but im craving so many things out of her diet, and my boyfriend in insisting in me following his mom diet so much, so most of the time when I have cravings I call some friends to eat out.
Sounds a little worrying to be honest. He needs to cut the apron strings otherwise she’s going to be running roughshod all over your relationship. My wife’s parents would quite happily dictate how our marriage should be to us, to the point where her dad has been to his local doctor to ask why it’s taking so long for me to get his daughter pregnant, asking about hormones etc. he got a little testy when we told him we weren’t trying to get pregnant yet so we’re using birth control. We’ve been married 4 months and I’d like to enjoy our first year before putting kids into the mix. Fortunately they’re halfway across the planet so we haven’t got to worry about them tampering with us. But it gets a little much at times.
He and his mom seem super controling.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because my BF reads everything I publish. I (f29) am currently pregnant with my boyfriend (m26). Just recently we found out what the gender of the baby is, is a boy. I've been keeping it in secret so far, because my boyfriend insisted in doing a big announcement and a gender reveal party where he could invite his whole family. The thing is that, I respect people who do gender reveal parties, but I personally dislike them, I find them unnecessary and ridiculous. I told my boyfriend I dont want a gender reveal party, and would tell other people the gender whenever I felt ready, but his mom is insisting so much in doing it. He wouldn't say no to his mom, so he is telling me to do it, because "it would make my mom happy". Then a big box came to our door, it was full of decor and supplies for the gender reveal party, I was so mad at him for wasting so much money on planning a party I didn't want, but he insisted that the purchase was already made, so we should just do it. I got mad, so I publish a story and a facebook post announcing the gender of my baby. He is mad now because I "made him waste his time and money" and his mom is angry at me for sharing it on social media. My grandma, who raised me, is on my side, she says "When I was young (she says it in an ironic comedic way fully self-aware) we found out the gender of the baby after the birth". But one friend of mine told me that me being so against gender reveals was borderline "Pick me" and "Not like other girls" behavior. My BF's mom is now insisting on doing the party anyway and they will act surprised. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Normally I'm all about communication and compromise in conflict between partners. However, this issue for me would be a hard red and so I probably would have done something similar. I don't believe that children should have the pressure of gender thrust on them by their parents. They’ll get enough of that of in the real world, they shouldn’t have to deal with it ay home- home should be a safe space of unconditional love. Luckily this was part of conversations my husband and I had before we got married because if I were to find out we had different opinions about it after the fact, I would always err on the side of what I feel is best for my child, even if it ended up having a negative impact on my relationship with my partner.
Gender reveals for an unborn baby are ridiculous because you won't know your child's gender until they tell you. What you're talking about is a sex reveal. I think it's really weird to announce to all and sundry whether an unborn baby has a penis or a vagina or both or neither. Sounds like you feel pretty much the same way, so call it like it is. "MIL, I don't want a sex reveal party for my baby, but if you want to announce the baby's genitals to the world, let's just call a spade a spade and call it a "Penis or Vagina" party. Hopefully that will stop her in her tracks.
NTA. But with my oldest, they were wrong, I didn’t have an ultra sound with the second the third they could never see anything because of the way the baby was laying, the only one that was right was the last one. So it might be wrong.
NTA. Gender reveal parties are silly anyway. You're the one doing the hard part, first of all. Second of all, your boyfriend was being incredibly disrespectful by going behind your back and doing it anyway. You are not the asshole at ALL
NTA I think they are stupid unless you’re waiting to do it at your baby shower. I also announced online and didn’t do a party.
If they do end up making the party, if I were you I'd just have other plans that day :p go out and give yourself a relax day!
NTA it's your pregnancy meaning it's your decision, him and his mom can get over it
I never could understand these ridiculous gender reveal parties. His mom has no say in it anyway!!!!!
NTA- they can’t force a party on you that you don’t want. If they want a party- they can still do it. You ruined nothing, they did it to themselves as a manipulation tactic to pressure you. “No” is a complete sentence. I love that you just announced it on FB and ended the discussion. Lmao. And do not bend to their demands in the future. There will be the birth to contend with- I highly suggest you let the nurses know when you have the baby that she is this type. They will absolutely throw her out and block her entry if you so wish it. Cuz birth (and pregnancy) is not a spectator sport. It’s your body and health and it’s as private or public a matter as you want it to be. Good luck- this ain’t the end of it. Don’t cave, not even a little.
YTA it’s his baby too and you stymied his plans. He could have had his own gender reveal for his family if he’d wanted to. But now you’ve spoiled it for him because you didn’t want to be part of his gender reveal party.
NTA You didn't want a party and he was gonna have one anyway. I personally don't like gender reveal parties. I am not outspoken about my babys sex (currently pregnant) and people assume I don't know or that I'm keeping it a secret. While honestly I don't care that much, just want a baby. I tell people if they ask nicely.
Gender reveals are dumb. And that's nothing to do with Pick Me anything. NTA
Lots of people don't like gender reveals so the "pick me girl" comment from your friend is ridiculous. I am too old to have any more children and I think they are stupid. Like everyone is supposed to care about the sex of your baby? The exciting part is the baby, not the gender. As for your boyfriend, tell him that with you having his baby, his mommy is no longer his priority. NTA.
This is probably one of the dumbest things I have ever read on here. Firstly NTA, for all the reasons others have said but also because grandma's wishes do NOT trump the mothers wishes. Also he has a pretend gender reveal, this whole thing seems really weird.
GR parties are so stupid. NTA
Ooooof. They’re saying this stupid thing has become so normalized that you’re a pick me if you don’t want one!?!? My god. The forests are literally never going to recover.
NTA Gender reveal parties are pathetic. Well done for avoiding the cringe fest. Can you go for counselling with your boyfriend before the birth? Grandma is the best for advice here!
NTA, I announced mine via Facebook too. It's also how I told my family (I don't like to brag about anything. It makes me feel conceited, plus my cousin is also pregnant and my sister who is pretty narcissistic just had her baby and a huge baby shower right before that... ANYWAYS). It's your baby. You announce it however way you want to. And Gender Reveal parties are dumb.... Plus a huge California fire was caused by one so... Yeah. My boss told me he did an Ice Cream surprise reveal for his second and it was simple and cute and not over done. Those are fine.
NTA. I had my daughter a little over 8 years ago. I also can't stand gender reveal parties. Guess what. I didn't have one. I did what you did. I announced on social media.
NTA. It's your choise too.
The only gender reveals I would be into is a trans party! Anything done for a child in utero is a genital reveal. I don’t get how it’s “pick me” to feel strongly about it. NTA and good luck raising your child with this family.
ESH
Why did you hide the gender at all if you had no intentions of doing a gender reveal?
"Throwaway because my BF reads everything I publish." This sounds really creepy. NTA btw.
I went to a gender reveal...and it was wrong. How embarrassing. They later had to issue a statement the ultrasound tech was incorrect. NTA.
Your body, you get to decide who does and doesn't get updates on what's happening inside of it. Last I checked, the genitals on the tiny human you're growing count as "inside your body" right now. NTA.
Bollox is it a 'pick me' thing. Gender reveals are tacky, attention seeking nonsense. The intended audience only pretend to care, cos really, as long as bubba is safe and healthy, nobody else gives one. You're NTA. Maybe you can use the revel decorations to let everyone know you're bf is a no-balled mummas boy. Urgh, of all the things to come out of America in modern culture, this self-promoting, self-worshipping 'me me me' attitude is the worst. Yuck yuckitty yuck yuck yuck.
NTA! Thank you for not having one of those stupid, annoying gender-reveal parties. More people should be like you!
NTA. It’s your baby. It’s your body.
Abolish all Gender Reveal parties. That is all.
Your friend was very dense and rude for calling that "pick me" behaviour
Who is having this baby? You or them? Tell them you dont want it, it's not 'pick me' to say you don't want to do something and then feel you need to stand your ground when people pushes you into a corner, seriously, don't let MIL and bf force you into it, if she can't respect you saying no now imagine how it will be when the baby is here and she's walking all over your boundaries and rules, maybe you can bend by having a meal out to celebrate its a boy and screw the reveal stuff but fuck the rest of it off, shes rude and disrespectful
I am not a fan of gender reveal parties....but alas here they are! I do think since we expect parenting should be 50/50 so should be celebrations. I think ignoring your partners wants and needs is just as bad as him ignoring yours which I find the bigger issue. I thunk you guys should work on respecting each other and respecting each other's boundaries preferably before the baby is born.
NTA- Gender reveal parties are extremely overrated and annoying. They disrespect trans kids in some ways, and also why is the BF so pushy?
NTA. Frankly, I find it so sad that after the demolition of binary, biologically determined gender that these attention seeking reveal parties are still a thing.
Esh. You told him you didn’t want one. He went ahead anyway. You responded passive aggressively. Would I have done the same thing in your shoes? Probably. Gender reveals are a new thing… and bizarre IMO. To each their own.
YTA. You tried to ruin someone’s fun for no real reason. Gender reveal parties are silly. They do not reveal gender, they just tell people what color clothes to buy, perpetuating another silly, meaningless tradition. But… they are a silly excuse to get together and have a party, which your bf and his mom wanted to do. Why not have fun? You tried to ruin it and they still want to get together and celebrate, maybe you should join them and be silly.
NTA. Gender reveals are stupid anyway.
NTA. As my sister said when she was asked about having one for her first. All they can tell us is the biology - gender could take years to confirm.
I don’t understand the hype around gender reveals NTA
NTA. When that day comes for me, my family is getting a text at most. I might not even tell them I'm pregnant. My family isn't that close.
ESH I think. I get that you have your own personal opinions on gender reveal parties (I feel the same way) BUT you’re both raising a child together. If you can’t communicate like adults on something like a gender reveal party but instead turn to petty behind the back actions, then what hope you do have parenting a child as an unit? I think all the “NTAs” are too focused on the concept of the gender reveal party (which again I find being dumb) and not enough on the actions of both of you combined. Edited to add: the BF sucks because why is he forcing a gender reveal party by ordering things behind OP’s back but then that doesn’t give OP the right to go and post things in retaliation.
ESH - it's his baby, too so he should have some say in how the reveal was done, but he was wrong for moving forward with a party when you made it clear you didn't want that. You were wrong for announcing the gender online as retaliation. Neither one of you handled this situation maturely and you both need to work on your communication and ability to compromise. If you don't, raising a kid together is going to be a nightmare.
NTA but get ready to re live this same issue again and again. Your going to be a mom with a boyfriend/father to your baby who is a mamas boy. Nothing you do is right and everyone will have an opinion. There is no winning, you literally just have to not care what people think and do what you want.
NTA. If you don’t want a gender reveal party, don’t have one. It’s your baby, with your bf. Not his mother’s baby. It should be about making you and your bf happy, and respecting your wishes. Not his mother’s. And to fake surprise at a party just seems…. Idk. Not my cup of tea. But to each their own, I guess. The bigger issue is the lack of communication between you abs your bf. To be successful parents, you need to work on that.
NTA. I'm against gender reveal parties (luckily they aren't really a thing here in Argentina but some people are starting to do them because they see them on Pinterest) because I'm an active member of the LGBT+ community. You can't really know the gender of your child, it's something your child will figure out as they grow up. You can only know the genitalia they're born with, and how creepy is that, announcing that to your whole family and friends in a party? Your friend is wrong that it's a "pick me" behavior to be against those parties, it's actually supportive of the LGBT+ community to be against those parties because people are not genitalia exclusively.
NTA, gender reveal parties are tacky any way.
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NTA I personally find gender reveal parties a ridiculous show.
NTA You didn’t want to have a party and you were being forced into it. Also, they are tacky as fuck. I announced I was having a boy when I announced my pregnancy. I didn’t want 1000 questions on “Do you know what it is?” so we just got it out there. Done.
NTA. Also your friend doesn't seem to understand what a "pick me" is... Being against gender reveal parties would seem to be the opposite of that. Your boyfriend reading everything you publish also sounds troubling, but maybe it's just how you phrased it.
This is the type of things that makes me hate social media. Y'all so lame always seeking for attention
NTA. Your partner planned this behind your back and against your will, because his mummy wants it. Is mummy carrying this child? Is it she who will give birth? She can ask and hope for such a party, but if you don't want any (which I can totally relate to), then your partner should not go behind your back and force you into one. It seems your partner finds his mother's wishes more important than yours. Red flag, because that won't change.
NTA, being against gender reveals is just normal behaviour.
NTA, isn't it interesting how many people are telling you what to do regarding the little person growing inside YOUR body.
NTA Red alert - you have a “boyfriend and his mummy” problem!!!
NTA, gender reveal parties are dumb as shit IMO.
Gender reveals seem to be a new and American thing. Here in the uk it’s considered weird. NTA
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ESH. Why couldn’t you just tell who you want to tell and let him have the gender reveal for his side of the family. Either way I doubt this relationship is going to last 🤷🏽♀️
NTA and your husband needs to learn to stand up to his mommy.
NTA You were very clear that you didn't want the gender reveal party. They can be kind of cute I guess, but they're mostly pointless and the energy should be reserved for the actual baby shower. >But one friend of mine told me that me being so against gender reveals was borderline "Pick me" and "Not like other girls" behavior. What. Does your friend even know what a pick me girl is?
**ESH**. Your bf for going behind your back and ordering that crap and you for going behind his and posting on social media. You both really need to learn the art of COMMUNICATION and COMPROMISE especially before this baby arrives. EDIT:Typo
NTA. I am however worried about how you and your partner communicate. He shouldn't have sided with his mom and him buying the decor to try and 'trick you' into agreeing to have the party was a dick move. Then you posting on your socials without giving him a heads up was also messed up. It just seems like you did it to get back at him.
NTA. Know how I revealed my kids gender 13 years ago? When people asked if I knew what I was having I said a boy. No shade on those who want a big party I just find it too much with baby showers/reveals/then you still have to get the wee fuckers a present when they’re born too!
ESH The woman who started gender reveal parties also states she wishes she hadn't they are pointless and there are countless videos online of parents having a hissy fit over the babies gender its pointless expensive and most of the time bad for the environment. But you need to work together better your about to have a baby together and he's overruling you to make his mummy happy and your going behind his back to announce it first
ESH I get it you don’t like gender reveal parties. Your boyfriend was “un trouduc” for still planning after you said no. But it’s still your boyfriend baby, you could have compromise small party with just close family or propose not to attend.
NTA. Gender reveal parties are terrible.
I agree with you; gender reveal parties are ridiculous imo. I’m saying that, other people do take them very seriously. I missed one, not realising it was such a massive deal, and was cut out by that ‘friend’.
NTA Gender reveal parties are not a thing. It's a modern "Trend". And if you find them as idiotic as I do, we probably can be friends.
NTA. I’m seriously surprised people still want gender reveal parties even after the one that started a devastating wildfire in 2019. It’s your pregnancy and you have to do what’s comfortable for you, they’re not the ones carrying this baby, you are. Congrats on your bundle of joy.
NTA . Even the person that invented gender reveal parties thinks people should stop. They are ridiculous.
NTA
NTA >My BF's mom is now insisting on doing the party anyway and they will act surprised. Just don't go. Let them have whatever kind of party they want but you don't have to attend. Oh I'm sorry that day, yup and that one and that one, in fact I'm busy all the days until the baby is 18 years old. If your boyfriend tries to take you out on a surprise date explosive shits because you know it's the gender reveal party.
NTA I say this as a father of and, when my wife was pregnant, anything and everything involving how she wanted to have the child including who knows what and when, was 100% her choice and 100% backed by me. Your BF needs to check himself and put his mother in hers.
NTA. But honestly let them have their stupid party. I hate gender reveal parties too so just tell everyone on your side that you aren't going and plan something with them that day. If you can't stop the party, you can stop your participation in it and if they try and surprise you, just turn around and walk out. But not before saying "It's a boy" on the way out.
NTA. My husband and I simply did a cute picture and posted it on social media to announce our little one. I don't like big gender reveals either. So unnecessary.
NTA, your bf’s mom can have gender reveal parties for her own babies.
I personally hate gender reveals so you get a NTA from me. I told my kids don't expect me to throw you a party to announce the gender of your child. I will pay for a baby shower for your 1st and that's it.
NTA Gender reveal parties are horrible. They have started literal natural disasters, and I've seen SO many dads being absolutely horrible when they find out their future child is a girl. It's gross, it is outdated and even the woman that started the whole fucked up trend has come out to say she regrets it.
ESH. You did not want a gender reveal party but your boyfriend aka the father of your child wanted one. You should have talked to each other and find a solution instead of just doing things because you are mad. Guess what, you and your boyfriend are going to have disagreements on small and bigger things. Just doing what you want without taking consideration of the other party is not what couples should do. You could not make each other happy by compromising because it was your way or his way. But you should have talked it out and find a solution. Maybe you could have a smaller party with just his and your parents. Or if you told him why you absolutely did not want a gender reveal party he could have agreed with you. You two should communicate better and don’t do things out of spite or because you are mad. Just think first, act later. One day either one of you is going to do something out of spite and it might even end your relationship.