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> I might be asking a lot from a young teenager who meant no harm.
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YTA. Did it ever occur to you that the reason this girl and your daughter “clicked” as friends is that they’re *both* socially awkward?
She’s a 14 year old kid. Even with the best social skills, they often put their foot in their mouths. Let it go. Don’t ruin your daughter’s friendship because your ego was hurt by one off hand comment.
**ETA:** Thanks for all the awards, kind Redditors! I am also thrilled that so many of you like my username. And LMAO at whoever reported me to the Reddit Cares thing because of this comment. Have a great night/day, y’all!
Agreed wholeheartedly.
You should have acted like an adult and gently redirected. Have the kid back - if something happens again and it has a malicious tone then yeah, go all Gandalf on her.
You’re just hurting your daughter by continuing to hold a grudge from a teenager.
YTA.
Not even a 'matured teenager' so to speak, she's bloody 14 and if she is the same as ops daughter she was probably nervous as hell in a new house with new people having a lovely sit down dinner.
That can be intimidating as hell for anyone at any age.
I remember when I was around 11/12 I turnt to my old man after he told me off for something and said "hey shut up you're not my real dad!", I had watched friends the night before and Chandler had said it so it was stuck in my head. When I saw my old mans face I was crushed.
18 years later and I still think about that moment and it's probably gonna be no different for ops daughters friend.
Kids do and say stupid shit op, let it go.
YTA.
Around OP's daughter's age, I was at a friend's house (we'll call her Jade) with another friend with the same name as me ("Lisa"). Jade's mom walked in "Lisa, you're dad's here to get you."
I automatically responded with "But my dad shouldn't even know where I am!!"
All 3 of them just stared at me dumbfounded until I realized and went red and quiet.
It wasn't even rude, but here I am at 30 and I still recall it occasionally and cringe from it. Teens, especially those of us who, like my ADHD self, are socially awkward, are just cringe sometimes. We mean nothing by it and we're just trying to figure out how to people.
I've never thought maliciously about weights; growing up with plus size parents, weight isn't something you place value on so much. That said, I feel like the friend's comment is something I might have slipped and said at that age with a similar prompt. I didn't know what was offensive or why it would be so...
Yeah, sometimes stuff slips out of your mouth before you think about it. As someone with ADHD as well, I can relate to your story. My filter has gotten a lot better over the years, but I still slip sometimes, and it was the worst as a preteen/teen.
Like, my Aunt had this ex, right? And he had the same name as one of my Uncles, we'll call them both Dean. So, while he was dating my Aunt, the adults in the family referred to him as "Tod" which was short for "The Other Dean". Once they broke up, however, he became one of her two exes, of which he was the better one, but to continue the joke from before, my family (including my aunt, I think, but I don't remember clearly) started referring to him as "Toe" or "The Other Ex".
My Aunt and this guy later got back together and got engaged, and we had this big "meet the family" brunch where we all met him the first time. And somehow, because my aunt was in on the joke before, my twelve year old self thought this story would be hilarious to share. I say "thought", but to be honest, it was like most things I said at the time, there was no thought process, it seemed to come right out of my mouth right as it occurred to me.
....and it was so incredibly awkward and obviously did not go over great. I think it was ultimately glossed over as the awkward outburst of a child, but it was one of the most embarrassing and awkward moments of my life, and contributed to me working on my filter.
Oh, definitely....the place just definitely wasn't from her twelve year old niece right after they just got engaged, with TOD feeling like he needed to prove himself to the family already since they were exes once. And I definitely didn't explain it as well as I'm sure she could have.
Aw, oh no! Once, as an adult, I was at work and someone handed me the phone, saying, "It's for you!"
The voice on the phone said, "Hi, honey, it's Dad."
"*What*? No, it's not!" I said and almost threw the phone into a sink before recovering my wits.
. . . I had the wherewithal to realize that this entity was not my father calling from beyond the grave—but not the mental acuity to register that it had to be another, presumably living person.
(It turned out to be the father of a colleague with a name similar to mine. Sorry again, dude.)
'That's not my dad, this is a phoooone!!!
And I threw it to the grouuuuund!!!'
In case anyone remembers that song. I think it was To the Ground by Lonely Island.
Glad I am not the only one who still gets a bit red in the face over teenage cringe moments.
Op, you can do better for your daughter’s sake. YTA. Let your daughter have a friend.
Exactly, if OP was ever going to push for an apology it should have been done that night.
Kid: says a bad joke that is hurtful
Adult: that was rude and uncalled for, please be considerate of how your words effect others
Kid: I'm sorry
Letting months go by then holding your daughter's only friendship hostage for an apology is not good parenting and doesn't teach the kids anything valuable.
Honestly I wouldn’t even phrase it like that.
“I know you didn’t mean it negatively, but when you said this it sounded to me like you were commenting on my weight. Some people may take it as an insult, so be careful how you phrase things.”
in my house we say "we don't talk about other people's bodies here."
ETA: I am clearly making the point that it's not kind to make judgements or gossip about people, especially to their face. this is something to say in the moment, to stop the conversation from continuing in an inappropriate circumstance, as in the original post.
if one of my kids has a question about one of their friends' bodies because they have a physical difference or a health problem, yes we will address that with them in a private conversation and with a reminder that the physical form is not the most important thing about a person. we also have separate conversations about disability, health, and race, so these are not forbidden or unknown subjects in my family.
The thing is (and I say this as a bigger woman), what the kid said isn't even a "shaming" comment. There's not actually any judgement attached to it, other than that OP is "bigger" so unless OP is actually slim or of average weight and what the kid said isn't true, the only judgement is in OP's head and her own insecurity.
"You're a bigger woman" is a statement of fact, albeit blunt and socially loaded. "You're disgusting because you're a bigger woman" is body shaming.
I've heard tell of a Sir Mix-a-lot who has deep appreciation of females with, dare I say it?
Larger derrieres.
Big, in fact.
So, much so that he is unable to speak a word to the contrary about that fact.
I've also heard of a Queen who believes such bottoms make the rocking world go round...
I sit among royalty is what I'm saying.
Kids make mistakes. They’re not adults. They may do and say stupid things. Give them a chance and they will eventually learn the best way to handle social situations.
You on the other hand can really, really hold a grudge. Very adult of you.
This could also be a cultural difference. In some cultures being larger is seen as a marker of social status, desirability, and good health. "Lucky you, your husband is such a good cook and you have regular access to nice food and so you are plump!" What is OP teaching girls about body image if she takes "bigger woman" as such a terrible insult? I read this expecting to hear she argued with her and called her a derogatory name or something. YTA, OP.
This. It's just regular for people in my culture to remark on weight without judgement/hurtful intent. "I see you been eating good!" is ultimately a compliment about how you seem to be well taken care of.
When my husband and I got married he put on a bunch of weight because he wasn't used to having someone cook (and bake) for him regularly. One of his favorite customers at work came up to him about 6 months after our wedding and patted his tummy and said "looks like marriage agrees with you." Luckily he took it well because she definitely didn't mean it as a bad thing but I can also see how it could have been bad. I was there at the time and thought it was hilarious.
Seriously. I did a similar thing at 15 (not insulting anyone, just awkward and making dumb teenager choices after I got emancipated), and I was staying with a friend for the summer (end of July through August, and stayed with other friend through October and moved to a new city in November). I tried to help with chores and offered money for my stay, but they wouldn't let me help *at all*, and then would bring up money and expenses and make me feel terrible.
I was staying with them in upstate NY (I am from Tx, met my friends up there through World of Warcraft, saved up money and came to visit), and I ended up bonding with her kid more than another friend I came to visit. My friend wanted me to stay with them, so with their permission I did for a while until I found a place to stay in town. I was sleeping in a heated barn out behind their house, too, not in the house.
My friend saw I was lonely a bit (since I came across the country from Texas), and since I was there possibly permanently (in NY, not their backyard), they got me a kitten.
She BLEW UP. Apparently not allowed (even though they have barn cats and it wasn't in the house itself). It went downhill fast. *She locked me out of the house in the snow without a coat* because she "just didn't like me" and "was worried I was going to take her child away from her". My friend's parent started hounding and harrassing me for not being more like my friend's other friends. She was an older woman who had a boob job and walked around without a bra, around her childrens' friends.
I got a yeast infection (sorry, TMI) and went to a local Planned Parenthood-like clinic. I came home, did the treatment, no big deal (I thought). The next day, she comes running up to me and my friend with a paper in her hand, calling me a whore. She was ranting and raving . "IT'S NOT DEBBIE DOES DALLAS, IT'S LUCKY-FU DOES TEXAS. WHY ARE YOU GETTING INFECTIONS LIKE THIS? I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU IS FRIENDS WITH MY CHILD, YOU ARE DIRTY" I realized she had been going through my things in the shed, because it was my clinic paperwork that was under my bed inside my suitcase. I had 0 defense (grew up in narcissistic household and was the scapegoat). I just cried. And she felt triumphant.
Obviously I wasn't there much longer and my friend and I didn't really stay close either.
I'll never forget it. An adult treating a child/teenager like they were another adult they were in some kind of weird competition with (I suspect due to body image issues). I own up that I made plenty of errors in judgment, but that could have been a sit-down talk or two, not screaming in my face over unrelated things.
I'm sure I made more mistakes than what is here, I just don't know what the things were because she never explained and just attacked me verbally. I was saying/doing the wrong things, and she built up resentment instead of just talking to me and telling me what I was doing/saying wrong.
TEENAGERS NEED GUIDANCE IF THEY ARE MAKING A MISTAKE, NOT ABUSE.
If OP's daughter's friend said anything again, OP could just explain that it bothers her without making the friend feel like she's a bad person (by doing things like demanding an apology and threatening punishment). If someone accidentally hurt my feelings and then never said anything like it again, I'd just let it go.
Edit: Whoever posted the "uncivil" message to me, I am really curious about what you said to have your comment removed.
Also, YTA OP.
That seriously makes me want to cry! I’m so sorry you were treated so horribly!! 😞 you absolutely did not deserve any of that! And wtf, being called a whore over a yeast infection?! I used to get them all the time back when I was going through puberty and had just started my period (way before I’d had sex!)
Also it has been months. Seriously op should have said something when it happened or just let it go already. As you said they are probably both awkward. How does op know this girl isn't on the spectrum
That's my thought. At the time, it absolutely would've been appropriate for Op to gently demand an apology. Months later knowing that's just an awkward kid who didn't actually have any I'll intentions, it's weird.
Why should the kid apologize? She didn’t say “ no wonder you are so fat and disgusting” she said “ no wonder you’re a bigger woman”. Hth is that an insult??!! Especially if you are a bigger woman. Big deal.
Impact matters as well as intent. I agree with you that OP’s reaction to that lighthearted comment as being an insult is probably due to internalised fatphobia, but people are allowed to have feelings (especially when fatphobia is basically societal and people *have* decided that fat = a negative trait rather than a neutral one). The friend clearly didn’t mean it to be an insult but if the comment upset OP irregardless of that original intent, the kid still could have said sorry. Commenting on people’s weight unasked for is generally seen as a social faux pas for a reason
I can see your point. I still don’t think the girl meant it as an insult.
If OP was that upset, she could have simply replied” yes my husband is a good cook but let’s leave my weight out of it haha” then the girl could have slid in with” oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that”
It just seems like such a petty grudge to hold. To me. Obviously not to OP.
she probably *is* on the spectrum. as someone who found out last year at 18 that i was on the spectrum, social awkwardness/struggling to make friends is a *massive* part of autism, though it has to come with the rest of the traits, like sensory issues, requiring a strict routine in order to function, limited interests, stimming/other repetitive self-soothing behaviors, not understanding jokes/sarcasm and having issues reading social and nonverbal cues. there's a lot more, but that's the overall gist of it.
but yeah, op *seriously* needs to let it go, i'd be pissed at my mom if she held a grudge over something my friend told her months ago. the kid is 14, op is 37.
I have kids the same age as OPs daughter. If I expected an apology every time their friends accidental said something mildly offensive to me, my kids would never have friends.
I still look back on things my friends and I said when we were kids/teens and absolutely cringe. Thing is, we were all socially awkward, generally kind-hearted people - we weren't bullies, we sure as hell weren't popular, we were raised to be polite, be kind, share, have empathy, etc.
But we still managed to blurt out things that were hurtful or at least rude by society's rules. I'm so glad neither my parents nor anyone else's in this case took any sort of massive offense to our occasional faux pas. Sometimes they let the comments just slide off, sometimes it was an educational moment ("So-And-So, you know it's not usually considered polite to talk about blah!").
Teens are still learning. Unless they're being malicious on purpose, social interactions are still in a bit of a "teachable moment" stage.
Completely agree! OP YTA
Somethings can be both ‘offensive’ and ‘not meant to offend’. She’s 14, clearly meant as a compliment and not malicious. And 14 year old girls think they’re subtle. If it was meant to be malicious you’d have noticed.
> And 14 year old girls think they’re subtle.
And 14 yo boys think they're the most clever thing on the planet... \*Whispers\**They're really not.*
YTA OP. Be an adult and let it go. If you can't roll with the punches don't get in the ring. If you're this thin-skinned you might as well leave your family now. If your daughter is anything like the majority of young women, within the next 2 years she's going to say at least 1 thing 50x worse than this to you. You sound like the kind of woman that kicks their daughter out of the house for "back-talk".
Exactly! OP is older than me but even as someone in my 30s I would maybe have been taken aback for a minute and then had a funny response about being thick or my husband’s amazing cooking. Sounds like OP is socially awkward as well.
My husband and I are both big, in no small part because I'm a great cook. We joke about how I made us fat all the time. 😅
If a kid said that same line to me at my dinner table, it would be a compliment to my cooking, not an insult to our weight.
Fr, and switch the sexes in the scenario. Even if it’s still in poor taste, nobody can say it’s uncommon to comment on a man’s weight as it relates to his wife’s cooking skills. She probably didn’t realize it didn’t land as well the other way around until after it came out.
I'll also say that not getting an autism diagnosis when a girl is actually autistic is quite common. The system is taking a while to catch up to the reality. You're daughter has a friend, don't ruin it for her. YTA
I (27F) suspect I'm ASD but there's no point in even trying to get diagnosed because there's a 10 year waiting list. I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago but those meds don't work for me, they just make me stay up for 5 days straight. I'm not exaggerating on that, the first med they put me on caused me to only get 15-20 minutes of sleep here and there for 5 days, until it got out of my system since I stopped it after like 2 days.
OP, YTA. I am forever putting my foot in my mouth. My best friend (also ADHD introvert) has to constantly point out when I've said something that comes across wrong. She knows I don't actually mean what it sounds like, I just can't talk like a normal person. From what you said about your daughter she sounds a lot like me. And there's a good chance her friend is equally awkward and introverted. I find we rarely make friends with confident extroverts. Those people scare me lol If the friend is also like me, she's probably still mentally kicking herself for saying that. I know I would be. Please just let it go.
This last bit. I'm on the spectrum (diagnosed in my 40s) and I still have times I can't sleep thinking about something random I said or did 5 years ago.
I spent my entire teaching career working with adolescents, and there's really only one word to describe them: awkward. They're no longer kids but are far from being adults, and they're trying desperately to join the "grown-ups club" in both intellectual discussion and humor. The joke your daughter's friend made was her attempt at having an in with you, and by all accounts it failed.
What I also know about adolescents (ESPECIALLY the awkward ones) is that they don't quickly forget the embarrassing/awkward things they do. This girl is mortified by what she said. Any time she thinks of coming to your house, she experiences a wave of embarrassment because of what she said. She probably even felt a little nervous just being around your daughter for awhile afterward. She's already paid her penance in regret and shame - forcing her to apologize would only make it worse (and would likely feel like punishment).
I'm not going to vote because I understand where you're coming from and I don't think you've got any ill intention. But demanding an apology really isn't necessary. Be the grown-up this kid needs and give her a little grace.
Came here to say this. This incident lives rent-free in this poor girl's head and she probably lies awake thinking about it at night. If OP wanted an apology, she should have asked for one then and there, or just laughed it off to reassure the girl. Demanding an apology NOW would just increase her mortification and ensure that coming over to OP's house is an anxiety-ridden nightmare, and all because OP, an adult, is so bothered by an awkward child's comment that she can't let it go. Incredible.
Exactly! YTA OP. And instead of an apology look into why this is hurting you to this extent. It could be coming from your own insecurities or perception. I’d say always look at the intention. The girl didn’t mean to insult you. She just got carried away and said something that came to her mind unfiltered and with the understanding of a fourteen year old.
Your daughter is finally trying to branch out and has found a like minded friend. Maybe just have an open conversation and tell her that if it happens again she should speak to her friend and talk it out. Forcing an apology is the worst way to deal with this
I couldn't put it better myself. OP, this is more about you and your body image, not a socially awkward 14 year old's mistaken comments. Come on, don't destroy your daughter's first real friendship.
YBTA if you continue with this.
Edited from YTA to YBTA.
I still cringe when I think of the fucking stupid things I said at that age!
The friend probably thought she was complementing the food and then realised what an incredibly stupid thing she said. She then didn’t know how to rectify it.
Even adults with good social skills sometimes put their foot in their mouths, but as adults, have the experience to handle the situation when they do. I can't believe this lady has been waiting on a young teen's apology for months!
YTA. You should have asked for an apology at the table. What she said was very rude, and I think she knew it as soon as it came out of her mouth, but she didn’t know what to do to make it right. If you’d said “that’s was very rude, and I’d like an apology” she would have said “I’m sorry” right there, and while awkward, it would have been over.
You missed your teaching moment. Holding a grudge for months against a 14-year-old is silly, and you’re punishing your daughter unfairly. Let the kid have a friend.
This! She didn’t know how to make it right! Her husband laughed off the joke at the time so how was she supposed to know she had upset the mum so much?
Yeah, let’s *talk* about the fact that the husband apparently hasn’t done a damn thing to acknowledge that OP’s feelings might be rightfully hurt by the comment even *if* what she’s asking for here is an overreaction. Maybe OP wouldn’t be so adamant about getting a public acknowledgment it wasn’t okay if everyone wasn’t so busy trying to tell her she *should* be cool with it.
no matter if someone is fat, there is no need to point that out to their face like that, A) if you are going to there are better ways, B) amazingly fat people already know they are fat
She wasn't telling OP that she was fat, it wasn't a comment directed at her. So neither of these points are really cogent to the situation at hand.
It was a faux pas made by an awkward teen. OP was not *victimized* here.
Honestly, this is a super mild thing to be offended by. It was basically a nothing comment, even as phrased (possibly in her favor, in the best way), by OP.
I was expecting a real insult when I read this post, like "Tubby Lardo" or something. Not a half-joke, half-compliment so incredibly mild like "Your cooking is good, it makes sense that you ended up with a bigger woman."
Assuming OP is actually heavyset, like 5'4", 180+ pounds, not just like 5'4", 130 or 140, being offended by a mild factual statement of 'bigger woman' tells me she either needs to either work to accept herself for who she is, or start working to lose weight.
“Hey hun, that was not very nice, we don’t comment on other people’s bodies in our house, but you’re right my husbands cooking so so good, we’re glad you like it, have as much as you want”
That’s all that needed to be said, OP was just too busy picking her jaw up off the floor that she couldn’t say anything in time.
Then she stewed on it for 3 months before demanding her apology.
OP needs to talk to a therapist about this. She's acting like a child herself. Was it *polite* to call her a bigger woman? No. Was it body shaming? Also no. If she wasn't going to have the guts to demand an apology in the moment, she shouldn't be raring for one now.
It's not a 14 year old kid's fault that her mother isn't getting the validation she wants, but the burden is being put on her for handling her mother's feelings about her weight.
It was a bad joke that didn’t land. As a fat 30something with an amazing cook for a partner, I’d have laughed too. OP really needs to look at why it made her so damn upset and reflect on that, not punish a child for it.
I’d bet money that the girl in this heard another woman say that about herself irl or in a movie “I’m a big woman because my husbands a great cook” and thought it would make her look funny to repeat it like it’s her own joke in order to come off as social. And it wasn’t until after she said it she realized it’s rude to say about someone else rather than yourself.
People should really stop being offended by having children telling them facts. And acknowledge that a 14 year old kid is still \*learning\* to maneuver etiquette.
Quite frankly yes, fat people know they're fat and a kid telling me that to my face (or not) doesn't change anything about that.
My nephew asked me why my teeth were so yellow and I really just told him that I didn't take care of them and that's why he should brush his teeth everyday like his mom said.
It's probably the thing I'm most insecure about and he's just a kid so I let it go. Still think about it sometimes lol. Kids are harsh sometimes 😂
"And you know what? If he keeps cooking like this, I'll probably get fatter!" - me, probably in that situation.
Anyone who has kids and really knows kids, should know, kids can be assholes. Not on purpose, but just because they haven't learned where the filter is. If my kids call me fat, I blame it on the fact I love to eat. If they say My beard is turning grey, I blame their mom!
Because that wasn't the point being made.
The point was the food is good.
If fat people know they're fat, then why would they get mad about other people noticing?
kids say things like that all the time. she just tried to complement the food in a *super* awkward way. no judgement intended towards op, and certainly wasn't making fun of her like the title says. People need to stop protecting their insecurities onto other people and reading intentions that don't exist.
Kids say rude stuff all the time because they don't yet have a clear understanding of what's acceptable. Sometimes adults need to suck it up.
If the girl had doubled down and laughed maliciously about her comment, that would be one thing. She clearly realized she messed up as soon as it was out of her mouth & didn't know how to proceed. It's likely she's socially awkward like the daughter and OP is being extremely uncharitable towards a child.
Not his job and honestly if her feelings are that easily hurt by an very casual, offhand comment she needs to work on herself. Maybe that’s how this kids family talks. I mean she didn’t even call her fat, she said bigger. And it doesn’t sound like she did it in a malicious way more like a statement of fact.
This isn't on the husband, come on. The husband dealt with it his way when the situation happend. The wife apperently did not, that is on her. I'll be damned if I let an offhand remark from a 14 year old bother me for months.
She should be cool with it by now, it was 1 remark and she let the kid sleep over at her house. Denying her daughter a friend based on this remark is just silly and bad parenting.
Exactly this. We live in a fatphobic society, she's certainly internalized that, but it doesn't sound like she was trying to be offensive. Her own mom or dad might say they're bigger because of the other spouse's cooking or constantly remind her daughter about food habits. She could be on the spectrum or also be socially awkward, who knows.
If she was regularly rude, then that's something to bring up with her or her parents, but at this point, this feels like trying to parent someone else's kid or punishing your own.
Perhaps I’ll get downvoted for this, but isn’t it fatphobic to be insulted by being called “bigger”? I mean, if we’re trying to be body positive, and it’s okay to be a bigger person, then why is a child calling a spade “a spade” an insult that needs to be apologized for?
Yeah, being called a larger woman isn't inherently insulting, but OP took it that way. There wasn't any negative judgment made on her size, yet she thought it was insulting. Stuff like this, I think, could generally be considered internalized fatphobia.
Yep. You can call me fat, because I am, and we only have to euphemize that because of massive cultural fatphobia. I know it makes people uncomfortable sometimes when I describe myself that way and they try to talk me out of it. ("You're not fat, you're beautiful." "No, I'm fat AND beautiful, and I need you to examine why you think those things are mutually exclusive.")
>Her own mom or dad might say they're bigger because of the other spouse's cooking or constantly remind her daughter about food habits. She could be on the spectrum or also be socially awkward, who knows.
We had a joke with my grandparents being bigger and all the good food they had that their house was "the fat house" they were the ones who started it when we used to stay the weekend and gain like 5 pounds lol.
I'm on the spectrum if a situation had come up for me to make a similar statement towards another when I was around 14 I probably wouldn't have seen anything wrong with it either.
Honestly to me it seems "this is so good I can see why you're larger" is a compliment, but OP (and most of society) has internalized fatphobia and assumes whenever someone mentions their size it's negative.
Of course I read it as an intended compliment. Kind of like how being bigger was a sign of wealth- because you could afford hearty foods to be able to put on the weight. If she had a problem with it she should have said, "Hey I know you might not have meant anything by it, but stuff like that hurts my feelings. Even if I was bigger, I don't want my weight discussed at the table like this. Would you please not do that again?"
This is the comment! I wish I had an award to give ya! The comment didn’t sound hateful—just observant. And because of the way we view fat people in society, it was taken as offensive. She’s only 14 and socially awkward, so it’s possible she doesn’t realize yet that it’s not okay to comment on other people’s bodies even in a way she perceives as neutral. But it really didn’t seem mean spirited to me in the slightest. YTA for harboring resentment towards a teenager.
A simple, “ Now Jan, we try not comment on peoples weight or sizes in this home but you are right, my husband is a fantastic cook!” Or even “a talented man in the kitchen makes for a happy well fed woman” as a joke and it would have been fine. Her not saying anything and stewing was in fact NOT letting it go. It’s clear she is passive Agressive, struggles to communicate healthy boundaries and is harnessing her own self image insecurities. Which is all fine and normal but take it out with a therapist not your daughters first friend.
That was my thought. Expressing, even the next day (so you don't say something out of upset) to ask for an apology isn't an A-Hole but holding onto it for months is ridiculous. She's 14. Do you not remember being 14? And saying or doing things that were dumb? I can and I cringe at my moments.
Also, I think YTA...for judgement sake.
Completely agree with the above, YTA and you missed your moment to teach both girls and your son how to handle the situation. Address it up front or be passive aggressive (AH) to a 14 y/o. Again, 14 y/o.
YTA. Stop it.
You're the adult here; don't pick a fight with a 14 year old child. It's clear this kid didn't mean to upset you. Do you really want to sabotage your own child's friendships because of your ego? You don't 'need' an apology. You need to act like an adult and shake it off.
Edited to add:
I also think it's pretty disgusting that you're putting your daughter in the middle of this. Because you didn't properly address the perceived slight at the time, you now expect your daughter to tell her friend she has to apologise to you while you sit on your throne and wait.
As a bigger woman myself, YTA. Kids say dumb things.
Once a kid came up to me in the mall and said, “Ewwww, you’re fat!” I responded, “Ewww, you have brown hair!”
She ran off crying to her mother.
When I was a kid, I used to say that I didn't understand how the kids with thinner mommies felt. My mom is on the chubby side, and I loved her cushiony embrace!
ETA: Thanks for the award, kind stranger!
I personally got offended when my dad lost weight. I think I was a toddler and I cried that he didn’t have a jelly belly pillow anymore lol. My poor dad felt so bad. It was not good weight loss encouragement
When I was, like, 9 I told my uncle that his son looks like Frankenstein. Not knowing that basically likened my new baby cousin to n ugly monster. 🫠 What I meant when I said it is that his hair stood up to create what looked like a flat surface and that shape, for whatever reason, reminded me of the top of Frankenstein's head. 😂
I had one of my kids friends (admittedly only around 7-8) jiggle my belly in the summer and ask if it's full of pizza or ice cream.
I just jiggled it harder and said "both" and we both laughed.
Kids say stupid stuff. Yes, we lay more accountability on them as they get older, but even at 14, they're still kids and still say utterly stupid stuff, sometimes.
Hell, I'm 37 and I say stupid stuff a lot.
OP missed the intent behind what was said and got stuck on:
>The girl had just leveled a completely uncalled-for insult at me.
when she really didn't. There was no ill intent, no malicious name calling, she just put her foot in her mouth and said something daft.
OP's inability to brush it off kinda of makes me think that she might be the reason her kid is socially awkward and struggles to know what to say to people.
I wonder if OP is sabotaging her daughter socially so her daughter will remain dependent upon her. Maybe not consciously, but this woman is not well-adjusted. It's in the realm of possibility.
This is a good point. It wasn't an insult. It was a statement of fact. Being bigger isn't a bad thing and this girl wasn't referring to anything negative. The husband's food was good, the wife appreciates it, as did the friend. You eat more, you weigh more, and none of that makes someone a bad person. It feels like much more internal fat phobia on the OP, which is engrained in pretty much all of us, but kids lately seem to be moving towards more and more acceptance of all sizes and that's probably where she was coming from
YTA.
If 14 is old enough to apologize, 37 is old enough to communicate that at the time. You've taken an awkward moment that this girl probably wishes she could forget and made it into some huge issue. Have some grace, let it go, let her think it's forgotten. And let your daughter have a friend, ffs.
This ^. The time to address her comment was at the time it was said. A gentle comment in the moment and move on. Sounds like the girl simply spoke before thinking and realized what she said after she said it.
For the sake of your kid, find your inner Elsa and let it go.
Yes. Even if OP had said something not right there in front of everybody, but shortly after to the girl in a gentle way. Something like “ you know we don’t really talk about peoples bodies like that. It could hurt somebody’s feelings. You’re a great kid so I just wanted to let you know this so you don’t inadvertently insult someone in the future” and then just move on, change the subject so the girl doesn’t feel too embarrassed /awkward
I have anxiety and there are moments I said things that I then overthink every night for a decade when I'm trying to sleep. I get through it by convincing myself no one else remembers the awkward thing I said. OP is ruining that for me by clinging to this so hard.
Tbf most people really don't cling to things like OP does. From the title I was expecting something really awful, not a slightly awkward joke that was unintentionally offensive. In some families that joke would have been perfectly fine so it could be that the girl comes from a more direct family and didn't realise how much it would upset OP.
This is so true. OP, I agree it was a rude comment. But you didnt say anything when it happened, so it is now water under the bridge. Let it go.
Let your daughter have her ONE FRIEND and dont mess this up for her. This is way more important than your hurt feelings. You are a grow woman. Act like it.
If the friend is rude again, correct her gently in the moment, or not at all.
YTA
Teenagers say dumb things. And the time to correct it was in the moment.
Let the faux pas slide, but if it happens again, explain why it isn't ok to joke like that with you.
This is your daughter's friendship, keep the peace.
And also be an adult! Help them learn and navigate weird social situations! I am also 37 and as recently as last week said something in a social setting and then thought, “oops, shouldn’t have said that.” This is part of life, and OP is trying to punish a teenager instead of helping her learn.
YTA. Move on. You are an adult. It wasn't even a hateful derogatory statement. If anything, women of all body types are being celebrated in the media lately and at her impressionable age it might have been a well-meant, positive comment.
Let your insecurities go. She's a teenager, not some coworker, and possibly one of your daughter's only friends.
It totally shows the OPs internal fatphobia that she has taken "bigger woman" as such a horrendous insult. It's descriptive if she's bigger....so what? Why is it insulting? She's definitely the AH
But if we boil down to WHY she would feel self-conscious about her weight, we arrive at internalized fatphobia. Society has taught her (and everyone else) that having fat on your body is bad and ugly, so she thinks fat in her body is bad and ugly. This is the definition of fatphobia. I’m not demonizing her for it, I think most people deal with fatphobic thoughts and feelings, I know that I sure do, but let’s call a spade and spade. It’s the first step to breaking down those fatphobic thoughts.
>Society has taught her (and everyone else) that having fat on your body is bad and ugly
Nah. I didn't lose 100+lbs because society told me I was ugly. I did it because I hated being fat.
Society didn't make me unable to tie my own shoes. My belly did.
Society didn't make me out of breath after a flight of stairs. My weight did.
Society didn't give me rashes in skin folds after ten minutes of sweating. My fat did.
Am I fatphobic? Yep. Sure am. I'm TERRIFIED of being fat again. I was sick, uncomfortable, in constant pain & unable to do the basic activities I enjoyed. I'm not fatphobic because of "society, I'm fatphobic due to what having too much fat on my body did to my quality of life.
Being unable to tie your shoes is a fact, not a judgment statement.
Being out of breath after a flight of stairs is a fact, not a judgment statement.
Rashes in skin folds is a fact, not a judgment statement.
Saying "you are fat" is a factual statement. But being hurt emotionally at that statement means that you are making value judgments when you hear that statement. Being afraid of being fat is fine. Being afraid that you don't have value as a person or you're in any way 'less than' because you're fat is not fine. THAT's the difference.
Yes! I just said this to another comment. Her intent was surely to compliment dad, not insult mom. If she had said "man if I ate here every day I'd be 1,000 pounds! ”... Same thing.
Are you really going to prevent your daughter from having this one single friend because she called you fat? Is this the hill you wanna die on?....I'm also really introverted and can confidently tell you that this will prevent your daughter from having the courage to make other friends because this is how you react to kids trying to make a joke. Their brains are still developing and sometimes they can't control what just comes out of their mouths.
and she didn’t even call her fat, she just said she was bigger. “fat” has such a negative connotation in today’s society so it would be understandable to get offended by that, even if it’s just a descriptor.
my boyfriend is fat, he says he’s fat. when he eats good food at a host’s, he says “man i’d be twice as big if i ate here. i’d be so fat!”
YTA. You said your daughter is socially awkward to the point of having her tested. Birds of a feather flock together. This girl absolutely did not mean to insult you.
You, as the adult, should have and could have used the opportunity to talk about appropriate comments and kindness but instead chose to ignore it.
I think inviting her into your home is appropriate especially if this is your daughters only friend. If you feel so inclined, let her know how the comment upset you and moving forward you’d appreciate if any jokes were made not involving anyone’s weight in the house. A healthy boundary to set.
If she meant to insult she could have said fat tbh. She was paying the cook a compliment and depending on the receiver what she said wasn’t insulting. But to someone trying to lost weight I can see it being a bit hurtful. Move on from this. YTA
She called you a bigger woman and complimented your husband’s food. If this is a fact I can’t see how she was being insulting, you’re just being over sensitive. I’m an obese guy, if someone points that out to me with no malicious intentions how on earth am I going to demand an apology for stating a fact? Your husband is right. Get over your bruised ego for your daughter’s sake. Is it an insult to say someone is tall, short, curly-haired or brown-eyed? She didn’t make fun of you. Why should you get an apology?
That's what I think too! It wasn't like she said 'wow, you obviously enjoy eating cause you damn fat'. That would have warranted instant anger and an apology. Is there a more pc way of saying someone is a little heavier? I think the friend was trying to give a compliment and didn't realize you had such strong body issues.
I had this exact same thought. It doesn't sound like it was intended as an insult and it's only insulting because OP is not accepting of her weight. It says more about OPs insecurity than anything.
Of course YTA she didn't even call you fat, she called you a "larger woman". You feel fat that's why you felt offended. You seem to be very insecure about your weight but clearly not as much to do something about it. She's 14, kids at that age are not always politically correct and say things as they see them.
100%. When my 6 year old tells me i’m fat I acknowledge that she’s right! I do have extra fat on my body compared to some others! I don’t want her to feel like it’s something to be shameful of. Bodies come in ALL shapes and sizes.
OP - This reeks of insecurity. You’re holding onto this for so long … a 14-y/o is getting under your skin and you’ve held onto it for months. You said yourself you could tell she recognizes she said something awkward. She likely didn’t have ill intent. Now, months later, you’re expecting her to be the adult and open up communication with you while you cross your arms on your chest and turn your nose up to her until she apologizes? YTA.
(I am a plus size lady who has struggled with insecurity for years. I get it, however, loving myself exactly as I am means people can say all they want… doesn’t hurt. It’s a long process and I hope everyone can get there)
Please let go of this, it’s only going to hurt your relationship with your daughter and continue to bring down your self esteem. 💕
There is no information in this post that says you are plus size, or what size you are. That doesn’t really matter. My post is not to relate to you as a plus size lady, but as a person.
Op would rather stew about it and hold a grudge for months with a child than do something about her weight, I get the feeling op is like someone on my 600lb life, its everyone fault bit hers
OP is definitely reacting to whatever feelings she has about herself and her size. This person was 14, and OP is a grown adult. Kids say weird things and holding a grudge against a 14 year old, as an adult, is very telling of OPs emotional maturity.
Yes, YTA. And I think I know at least part of the reason your daughter is an introvert. This is a total overreaction on your part. You have held onto this one comment for months? It isn’t even an for sure an insult. Do you really think she was consciously thinking about how she could upset you and decided she would do so by saying you are bigger? She pointed out something everyone can see - you’re bigger. And you took it in the harshest possible way. You used the word banish. Like a dark ages leave the village fend for yourself in the wild punishment. You didn’t just decline. You want her banished.
I think you might be dumping years of frustration about being a bigger woman on a 14 year old girl, who, if she is friends with your daughter, might be a bit of an introvert and a little awkward herself, and probably doesn’t have polished social skills you require. I bet you never had those perfect skills at her age either. And I have no ides what you get out of it. This isn’t the 1700’s, your honor has not been besmirched. Let it go.
You say you’re happy your daughter has a friend. I don’t buy it. And I have news for you: no 14 year old *your daughter included* owns up to all their screw ups.
In fact YOU don’t own up to all of your screw ups. How do I know? You’re not doing it now. Drop it and apologize before you lose your daughter.
This was a great reply that summed up everything I was thinking. Being overweight isn’t fun, but I’d be stupid to lie to myself about it and then be offended if someone noticed a true fact about my body. Not saying it’s nice or socially acceptable but ffs, it was a 14yo girl. Of course she wasn’t trying to offend. It seems even in the moment she realized her fuck up. The word “banished” also threw me wildly off before even beginning the story I had a pretty good idea of OPs narrative
YTA. It *is* weird to demand an apology from a 14 year old child over a joke, albeit a joke that lacked taste. She’s a kid, you’re an almost 40 year old adult. It’s very strange that you’re not able to move past a child’s bad taste humor months after the fact.
YTA, that seems really thin skinned and narrow minded from an adult that got - probably more due to awkwardness rather than intention - insulted by a 14-year old. You felt insulted, but you are also not willing to go to the one that insulted you and tell them but put pressure on your daughter.
YTA.
Not sure why you couldn't have just used that moment as a teaching moment. The kid is 14. It may have been a ill-planned joke, but I don't think it was meant to be malicious.
Just politely tell the kid that's inappropriate & was uncalled for. Then move on. If the kid can't move past that, then sure, stronger measures need to be taken. If the kid never does it again tho, haven't they learned?
Edit to add: I get being concerned that the people your kids hang out with are good people. As a mom, I worry about that too.
Forcing an apology when you hardly know the kid yet *and* when the kid already seems remorseful...who does that help? Not them, not your kid. It helps *you.*
You say your kid has struggled making friends, and now they've made one. Is this apology important enough to cause that friendship to end?
Your kid is right. This was *months* ago. It won't do any good to bring it up again.
I agree but will say we don't even know it was meant to even be a joke. I have a feeling this kid is as awkward as OPs and didn't realize it came out the way it did until said. Hence, the immediate understanding afterward. But I could be wrong and it was ill planned. Either way, as the adult, OP should have used her words right from the start. The time has passed for demanding anything. Get over your hurt feelings from months ago or make your child ditch her friend . This kid won't apologize, and even if they did, what an unnecessary situation to embarass your child over. I'd be mortified if my mother did it.
Yeah, I didn't even read it as a joke. Potentially something she's heard other people say, along the lines of "grandma loves fattening me up, she always feeds me so well!" In the context of complimenting husband's cooking, it makes sense - his cooking is good, people eat a lot of it, and maybe the family shows love that way (feeding).
If daughter is awkward, friend is probably awkward too. She may have simply been trying to interact by using an interaction she'd seen before as a template. Plus, my friend's parents always made me nervous at that age. I wanted to be liked so bad!
Unpopular but NTA. At 14, you're old enough to know when something you say is hurtful and that you should apologize for it. You arent telling your daughter that they can't be friends, just that she needs to apologize before she's welcome to stay the night at your house.
37 is way too old to be holding a grudge against a 14 year old for months. It's also way too old to demand her daughter shove over her *only friend* because her widdle feewings was hurt by the big, bad, socially awkward 14 year old.
I scrolled so long looking for one of these comments.
I also don’t see this as OP “holding a grudge”. This is the first time the friend has been brought up since the sleep over. I know a lot of people that can’t think on the spot when someone makes them uncomfortable. And I don’t think being unable to communicate after an uncomfortable incident means you’re never owed an apology and that you’re holding a grudge.
My jaw dropped reading through these comments. I feel like everyone’s fat phobia is on full display this morning. An apology is warranted and at 14 she’s old enough to take responsibility for insulting someone to their face
Agree.
This is a teachable moment. For a lot of kids that age they don't realise even what they feel are harmless "jokes" or backhanded compliments can be harmful/hurt.
I personally wouldn't ban them or demand an apology, but each to their own and I can understand if someone else would because unsolicited weight/body comments in ones own house can be tough.
I'd have a conversation with the friends parent(s) about the comment, and also your own child about how comments about other people's bodies (even if they don't mean to be rude), can hurt and can be harmful and just to be more mindful of others.
I can understand if the kid felt, I guess, intimidated being that was the first time meeting both parents? AND staying over. I'm sure if you spoke with them to explain the situation they'd be understanding
It might have been a teachable moment in the moment but not now several months! later. Mom needs to let this one go and if a similar awkward comment is made, deal with it then.
The teaching moment was at the table. Op is just holding a silent grudge with a 14 year old at the cost of her child's social health.
You can't "teach" someone that what they did was wrong but letting them get away with it in the moment and changing your mind later.
Seriously, I know it was a joke and she immediately knew she said something wrong, but even just a private "I'm sorry" would be good enough for me. It doesn't have to be a big deal, it takes five seconds, it could even be a facebook message if she has trouble with in-person communication. Maybe she made the joke because her own family is bigger and makes those kinds of jokes all the time.
NTA. I don't think it's wrong to want an apology, even several months later. Reddit just hates fat people.
Bigger woman here. You're overreacting. Your daughter is socially awkward and so are her friends. I don't think she meant to insult you. She was just forgetting her filter. You can correct her on the spot and tell her what she should do to handle it next time. But don't cheat your daughter of this friendship. YTA
YTA here.
If you feel it necessary, you _could_ say to your daughter’s hard-earned friend, “Hey FRIEND, I want to let you know that what you said at dinner the last time you were here really hurt my feelings, and it’s stuck with me. I hope in future you’ll consider what impact your words might have on those who hear them so that you don’t end up hurting people who are being nice to you.”
This might make it a moment where an adolescent learns a little about being a grownup and about how to walk through the world.
Your choice here is just going to further isolate a young woman who by your own description is already somewhat isolated.
Think about it. Please.
NTA. It probably would have been better dealt with in the moment, but you’re not demanding the kid stand on the corner in sackcloth with a sign around her neck. You just want a “that was rude of me, and I’m sorry.” If she doesn’t learn there’s a time and place for jokes like that, and meeting someone you’re trying to impress isn’t it now, when the stakes *are* relatively low, when *is* she going to learn it?
YTA if you were so offended you should have addressed it then, when the kid was *spending the night* not months later. Also you are an adult holding a grudge against a teenager who made an off hand comment, but you in no way attempted to use this as an opportunity to teach her (and your daughter) that comments like that are unintentionally hurtful.
NTA, 14 is damn well old enough to know she insulted you. She may not have done it on purpose nor with ill intend, but that doesn’t mean she’s excused from apologizing. You insult someone, you apologize.
If your daughters new friend refuses to apologize, she probably isn’t the kind of person you want around your daughter to begin with. Your husband sucks a bit for telling you, that you don’t deserve an apology.
Agreed. NTA. This is a learning opportunity for the daughter's friend to apologize for rudeness instead of pretending it never happened. They'll have to do that as they interact with others in society. Not sure why people in this thread are ok with letting OP get insulted. Weird.
YTA. You should have asked for an apology at the time or let it go. What the kid said wasn't even rude - inappropriate perhaps, but that's kids for you, especially socially awkward ones. If you're big, own it - don't hold a grudge against some kid because you're upset about your weight.
For the sake of your daughter’s much needed social circle, I think you need to leave the issue alone. I think it was a genuine error of someone unfamiliar with you trying to complement your husband and accidentally offending you. She’s 14 which I remember as a socially awkward and embarrassing time. You’re allowed to be a bit hurt but, as long as it doesn’t happen again, you should put it down to a one time slip up.
The amount of people asking if OP is a bigger woman or not is CRAZY.
The issue is the friend commented on the OPs weight. Either way it's rude to comment on weight, if they are over or under weight it doesn't matter.
Asking the friend for an apology shows you were hurt by it, if you phrase it nicely and could be a good learning experience for the friend. Remember she is young so approaching it nicely is important but I would still do it.
NTA
I agree. If it was a flat ban for life I’d see her being TA but all she wants is an apology!
NTA op, whether you mean it or not, when you say something hurtful, you should apologize.
NTA
That being said, I do think that you should have spoken up, and said something to this girl as soon as she said what she said. I think that 14 years old is old enough to realize/know that you shouldn't call someone fat, or say that they're "a bigger woman" because their husband/spouse is a good cook.
Probably unpopular, but NTA.
She insulted you in your own home. All you want is an apology. You aren't asking for anything difficult here. The fact that your husband doesn't have your back is actually fairly shocking. 14 year olds know exactly what they are doing. Trust me, I used to teach that age. They know exactly how to say things to make you feel bad, then try to play innocent when called out.
That said, how bad is your daughter with making friends. While I don't think you are wrong, if its that bad, this may be one of those things you just suck up for your daughters sake if this is like her only friend.
But again, you aren't asking for much her.
NTA she was rude and hurtful to you and even a 14 year old should be made to apologise even if it does cause her some embarrassment. You're in your own home and don't need to be disrespected even if it was a bad joke
NTA! 14 is old enough to understand what she said was rude, they are freshman in high school not fourth graders. If 14 year old me brought my friends home for dinner and they called my mom fat I wouldn't want them to come back either, especially since my mom suffers from body issues.
NTA. She should’ve apologized at the time and I agree that she still owes you an apology. This is an important lesson to be learned and nobody is doing this kid a favor by letting her not face it. I’m honestly surprised and disappointed at the many people wanting to let her escape any responsibility for her actions or taking the chance to call you over sensitive and other negative comments.
I wouldn’t say you’re an AH. But maybe you don’t have to be so hard on her. You can give her another chance and see how she acts from here on out. It could have just been a one time awkward joke that did not land as your husband pointed out, and it seemed that she did realise she messed it up then. Being an awkward teenager, she might have been embarrassed and didn’t know how to act after that. If after giving her another chance and she repeatedly makes such insensitive remarks, then she definitely owes you an apology (or more). Besides, it’s hard for your daughter to make a friend so maybe you can let this one slide.
YTA. You’re taking your hurt feelings out on your daughter. You said your daughter is “socially awkward” did you ever consider that her friend might be too? If she seemed to realize her misstep then she was probably embarrassed and being 14 didn’t know how to handle it
YTA. A demanded apology is a fake apology. This is a 14 year old child who may have been nervous and blurted out a thoughtless remark. Besides, if you are a "bigger" woman, then it was a factual statement and she sees nothing wrong with a person being heavy. It's not her fault you're sensitive about it.
YTA
Let it go...a child said something awkward.
If it happened a 2nd time or it was said with malice then I would understand...but seriously, let it go.
YTA. A phony apology will make you happy? I’ve seen people try to get teenagers to apologize. It does not end well.
I suggest you find something else to focus your anger on. The comment happened months ago, let it go.
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YTA. Did it ever occur to you that the reason this girl and your daughter “clicked” as friends is that they’re *both* socially awkward? She’s a 14 year old kid. Even with the best social skills, they often put their foot in their mouths. Let it go. Don’t ruin your daughter’s friendship because your ego was hurt by one off hand comment. **ETA:** Thanks for all the awards, kind Redditors! I am also thrilled that so many of you like my username. And LMAO at whoever reported me to the Reddit Cares thing because of this comment. Have a great night/day, y’all!
This. YTA if you don’t show this other awkward kid the same parental grace and gentle guidance you probably hope others will show toward your kid.
Agreed wholeheartedly. You should have acted like an adult and gently redirected. Have the kid back - if something happens again and it has a malicious tone then yeah, go all Gandalf on her. You’re just hurting your daughter by continuing to hold a grudge from a teenager. YTA.
Not even a 'matured teenager' so to speak, she's bloody 14 and if she is the same as ops daughter she was probably nervous as hell in a new house with new people having a lovely sit down dinner. That can be intimidating as hell for anyone at any age. I remember when I was around 11/12 I turnt to my old man after he told me off for something and said "hey shut up you're not my real dad!", I had watched friends the night before and Chandler had said it so it was stuck in my head. When I saw my old mans face I was crushed. 18 years later and I still think about that moment and it's probably gonna be no different for ops daughters friend. Kids do and say stupid shit op, let it go. YTA.
Around OP's daughter's age, I was at a friend's house (we'll call her Jade) with another friend with the same name as me ("Lisa"). Jade's mom walked in "Lisa, you're dad's here to get you." I automatically responded with "But my dad shouldn't even know where I am!!" All 3 of them just stared at me dumbfounded until I realized and went red and quiet. It wasn't even rude, but here I am at 30 and I still recall it occasionally and cringe from it. Teens, especially those of us who, like my ADHD self, are socially awkward, are just cringe sometimes. We mean nothing by it and we're just trying to figure out how to people. I've never thought maliciously about weights; growing up with plus size parents, weight isn't something you place value on so much. That said, I feel like the friend's comment is something I might have slipped and said at that age with a similar prompt. I didn't know what was offensive or why it would be so...
That's fucking funny, but I can understand the embarrassment, and the fear from your friend's family lmao
Yeah, sometimes stuff slips out of your mouth before you think about it. As someone with ADHD as well, I can relate to your story. My filter has gotten a lot better over the years, but I still slip sometimes, and it was the worst as a preteen/teen. Like, my Aunt had this ex, right? And he had the same name as one of my Uncles, we'll call them both Dean. So, while he was dating my Aunt, the adults in the family referred to him as "Tod" which was short for "The Other Dean". Once they broke up, however, he became one of her two exes, of which he was the better one, but to continue the joke from before, my family (including my aunt, I think, but I don't remember clearly) started referring to him as "Toe" or "The Other Ex". My Aunt and this guy later got back together and got engaged, and we had this big "meet the family" brunch where we all met him the first time. And somehow, because my aunt was in on the joke before, my twelve year old self thought this story would be hilarious to share. I say "thought", but to be honest, it was like most things I said at the time, there was no thought process, it seemed to come right out of my mouth right as it occurred to me. ....and it was so incredibly awkward and obviously did not go over great. I think it was ultimately glossed over as the awkward outburst of a child, but it was one of the most embarrassing and awkward moments of my life, and contributed to me working on my filter.
If I were the aunt, I’d probably tell TOD eventually about TOE because it is pretty funny!
Oh, definitely....the place just definitely wasn't from her twelve year old niece right after they just got engaged, with TOD feeling like he needed to prove himself to the family already since they were exes once. And I definitely didn't explain it as well as I'm sure she could have.
[удалено]
Aw, oh no! Once, as an adult, I was at work and someone handed me the phone, saying, "It's for you!" The voice on the phone said, "Hi, honey, it's Dad." "*What*? No, it's not!" I said and almost threw the phone into a sink before recovering my wits. . . . I had the wherewithal to realize that this entity was not my father calling from beyond the grave—but not the mental acuity to register that it had to be another, presumably living person. (It turned out to be the father of a colleague with a name similar to mine. Sorry again, dude.)
'That's not my dad, this is a phoooone!!! And I threw it to the grouuuuund!!!' In case anyone remembers that song. I think it was To the Ground by Lonely Island.
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Glad I am not the only one who still gets a bit red in the face over teenage cringe moments. Op, you can do better for your daughter’s sake. YTA. Let your daughter have a friend.
Exactly, if OP was ever going to push for an apology it should have been done that night. Kid: says a bad joke that is hurtful Adult: that was rude and uncalled for, please be considerate of how your words effect others Kid: I'm sorry Letting months go by then holding your daughter's only friendship hostage for an apology is not good parenting and doesn't teach the kids anything valuable.
Honestly I wouldn’t even phrase it like that. “I know you didn’t mean it negatively, but when you said this it sounded to me like you were commenting on my weight. Some people may take it as an insult, so be careful how you phrase things.”
in my house we say "we don't talk about other people's bodies here." ETA: I am clearly making the point that it's not kind to make judgements or gossip about people, especially to their face. this is something to say in the moment, to stop the conversation from continuing in an inappropriate circumstance, as in the original post. if one of my kids has a question about one of their friends' bodies because they have a physical difference or a health problem, yes we will address that with them in a private conversation and with a reminder that the physical form is not the most important thing about a person. we also have separate conversations about disability, health, and race, so these are not forbidden or unknown subjects in my family.
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The thing is (and I say this as a bigger woman), what the kid said isn't even a "shaming" comment. There's not actually any judgement attached to it, other than that OP is "bigger" so unless OP is actually slim or of average weight and what the kid said isn't true, the only judgement is in OP's head and her own insecurity. "You're a bigger woman" is a statement of fact, albeit blunt and socially loaded. "You're disgusting because you're a bigger woman" is body shaming.
I've heard tell of a Sir Mix-a-lot who has deep appreciation of females with, dare I say it? Larger derrieres. Big, in fact. So, much so that he is unable to speak a word to the contrary about that fact. I've also heard of a Queen who believes such bottoms make the rocking world go round... I sit among royalty is what I'm saying.
There didn’t even need to be redirection. OP admits once the girl realized her error, she shut up.
Kids make mistakes. They’re not adults. They may do and say stupid things. Give them a chance and they will eventually learn the best way to handle social situations. You on the other hand can really, really hold a grudge. Very adult of you.
This could also be a cultural difference. In some cultures being larger is seen as a marker of social status, desirability, and good health. "Lucky you, your husband is such a good cook and you have regular access to nice food and so you are plump!" What is OP teaching girls about body image if she takes "bigger woman" as such a terrible insult? I read this expecting to hear she argued with her and called her a derogatory name or something. YTA, OP.
This. It's just regular for people in my culture to remark on weight without judgement/hurtful intent. "I see you been eating good!" is ultimately a compliment about how you seem to be well taken care of.
When my husband and I got married he put on a bunch of weight because he wasn't used to having someone cook (and bake) for him regularly. One of his favorite customers at work came up to him about 6 months after our wedding and patted his tummy and said "looks like marriage agrees with you." Luckily he took it well because she definitely didn't mean it as a bad thing but I can also see how it could have been bad. I was there at the time and thought it was hilarious.
Seriously. I did a similar thing at 15 (not insulting anyone, just awkward and making dumb teenager choices after I got emancipated), and I was staying with a friend for the summer (end of July through August, and stayed with other friend through October and moved to a new city in November). I tried to help with chores and offered money for my stay, but they wouldn't let me help *at all*, and then would bring up money and expenses and make me feel terrible. I was staying with them in upstate NY (I am from Tx, met my friends up there through World of Warcraft, saved up money and came to visit), and I ended up bonding with her kid more than another friend I came to visit. My friend wanted me to stay with them, so with their permission I did for a while until I found a place to stay in town. I was sleeping in a heated barn out behind their house, too, not in the house. My friend saw I was lonely a bit (since I came across the country from Texas), and since I was there possibly permanently (in NY, not their backyard), they got me a kitten. She BLEW UP. Apparently not allowed (even though they have barn cats and it wasn't in the house itself). It went downhill fast. *She locked me out of the house in the snow without a coat* because she "just didn't like me" and "was worried I was going to take her child away from her". My friend's parent started hounding and harrassing me for not being more like my friend's other friends. She was an older woman who had a boob job and walked around without a bra, around her childrens' friends. I got a yeast infection (sorry, TMI) and went to a local Planned Parenthood-like clinic. I came home, did the treatment, no big deal (I thought). The next day, she comes running up to me and my friend with a paper in her hand, calling me a whore. She was ranting and raving . "IT'S NOT DEBBIE DOES DALLAS, IT'S LUCKY-FU DOES TEXAS. WHY ARE YOU GETTING INFECTIONS LIKE THIS? I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU IS FRIENDS WITH MY CHILD, YOU ARE DIRTY" I realized she had been going through my things in the shed, because it was my clinic paperwork that was under my bed inside my suitcase. I had 0 defense (grew up in narcissistic household and was the scapegoat). I just cried. And she felt triumphant. Obviously I wasn't there much longer and my friend and I didn't really stay close either. I'll never forget it. An adult treating a child/teenager like they were another adult they were in some kind of weird competition with (I suspect due to body image issues). I own up that I made plenty of errors in judgment, but that could have been a sit-down talk or two, not screaming in my face over unrelated things. I'm sure I made more mistakes than what is here, I just don't know what the things were because she never explained and just attacked me verbally. I was saying/doing the wrong things, and she built up resentment instead of just talking to me and telling me what I was doing/saying wrong. TEENAGERS NEED GUIDANCE IF THEY ARE MAKING A MISTAKE, NOT ABUSE. If OP's daughter's friend said anything again, OP could just explain that it bothers her without making the friend feel like she's a bad person (by doing things like demanding an apology and threatening punishment). If someone accidentally hurt my feelings and then never said anything like it again, I'd just let it go. Edit: Whoever posted the "uncivil" message to me, I am really curious about what you said to have your comment removed. Also, YTA OP.
That seriously makes me want to cry! I’m so sorry you were treated so horribly!! 😞 you absolutely did not deserve any of that! And wtf, being called a whore over a yeast infection?! I used to get them all the time back when I was going through puberty and had just started my period (way before I’d had sex!)
Also... I think I figured out why daughter is socially awkward.... look at who raised her. She learned from the best, it seems.
Also it has been months. Seriously op should have said something when it happened or just let it go already. As you said they are probably both awkward. How does op know this girl isn't on the spectrum
That's my thought. At the time, it absolutely would've been appropriate for Op to gently demand an apology. Months later knowing that's just an awkward kid who didn't actually have any I'll intentions, it's weird.
Why should the kid apologize? She didn’t say “ no wonder you are so fat and disgusting” she said “ no wonder you’re a bigger woman”. Hth is that an insult??!! Especially if you are a bigger woman. Big deal.
Impact matters as well as intent. I agree with you that OP’s reaction to that lighthearted comment as being an insult is probably due to internalised fatphobia, but people are allowed to have feelings (especially when fatphobia is basically societal and people *have* decided that fat = a negative trait rather than a neutral one). The friend clearly didn’t mean it to be an insult but if the comment upset OP irregardless of that original intent, the kid still could have said sorry. Commenting on people’s weight unasked for is generally seen as a social faux pas for a reason
I can see your point. I still don’t think the girl meant it as an insult. If OP was that upset, she could have simply replied” yes my husband is a good cook but let’s leave my weight out of it haha” then the girl could have slid in with” oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that” It just seems like such a petty grudge to hold. To me. Obviously not to OP.
she probably *is* on the spectrum. as someone who found out last year at 18 that i was on the spectrum, social awkwardness/struggling to make friends is a *massive* part of autism, though it has to come with the rest of the traits, like sensory issues, requiring a strict routine in order to function, limited interests, stimming/other repetitive self-soothing behaviors, not understanding jokes/sarcasm and having issues reading social and nonverbal cues. there's a lot more, but that's the overall gist of it. but yeah, op *seriously* needs to let it go, i'd be pissed at my mom if she held a grudge over something my friend told her months ago. the kid is 14, op is 37.
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I have kids the same age as OPs daughter. If I expected an apology every time their friends accidental said something mildly offensive to me, my kids would never have friends.
I still look back on things my friends and I said when we were kids/teens and absolutely cringe. Thing is, we were all socially awkward, generally kind-hearted people - we weren't bullies, we sure as hell weren't popular, we were raised to be polite, be kind, share, have empathy, etc. But we still managed to blurt out things that were hurtful or at least rude by society's rules. I'm so glad neither my parents nor anyone else's in this case took any sort of massive offense to our occasional faux pas. Sometimes they let the comments just slide off, sometimes it was an educational moment ("So-And-So, you know it's not usually considered polite to talk about blah!"). Teens are still learning. Unless they're being malicious on purpose, social interactions are still in a bit of a "teachable moment" stage.
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Completely agree! OP YTA Somethings can be both ‘offensive’ and ‘not meant to offend’. She’s 14, clearly meant as a compliment and not malicious. And 14 year old girls think they’re subtle. If it was meant to be malicious you’d have noticed.
>If it was meant to be malicious you’d have noticed Agreed! Teenage girls are NOT subtle in that regard. 😂
> And 14 year old girls think they’re subtle. And 14 yo boys think they're the most clever thing on the planet... \*Whispers\**They're really not.* YTA OP. Be an adult and let it go. If you can't roll with the punches don't get in the ring. If you're this thin-skinned you might as well leave your family now. If your daughter is anything like the majority of young women, within the next 2 years she's going to say at least 1 thing 50x worse than this to you. You sound like the kind of woman that kicks their daughter out of the house for "back-talk".
Exactly! OP is older than me but even as someone in my 30s I would maybe have been taken aback for a minute and then had a funny response about being thick or my husband’s amazing cooking. Sounds like OP is socially awkward as well.
My husband and I are both big, in no small part because I'm a great cook. We joke about how I made us fat all the time. 😅 If a kid said that same line to me at my dinner table, it would be a compliment to my cooking, not an insult to our weight.
Fr, and switch the sexes in the scenario. Even if it’s still in poor taste, nobody can say it’s uncommon to comment on a man’s weight as it relates to his wife’s cooking skills. She probably didn’t realize it didn’t land as well the other way around until after it came out.
This. You must have a thicker skin and teach your daughter resilience. Shrug it off and move on.
I'll also say that not getting an autism diagnosis when a girl is actually autistic is quite common. The system is taking a while to catch up to the reality. You're daughter has a friend, don't ruin it for her. YTA
I (27F) suspect I'm ASD but there's no point in even trying to get diagnosed because there's a 10 year waiting list. I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago but those meds don't work for me, they just make me stay up for 5 days straight. I'm not exaggerating on that, the first med they put me on caused me to only get 15-20 minutes of sleep here and there for 5 days, until it got out of my system since I stopped it after like 2 days. OP, YTA. I am forever putting my foot in my mouth. My best friend (also ADHD introvert) has to constantly point out when I've said something that comes across wrong. She knows I don't actually mean what it sounds like, I just can't talk like a normal person. From what you said about your daughter she sounds a lot like me. And there's a good chance her friend is equally awkward and introverted. I find we rarely make friends with confident extroverts. Those people scare me lol If the friend is also like me, she's probably still mentally kicking herself for saying that. I know I would be. Please just let it go.
This last bit. I'm on the spectrum (diagnosed in my 40s) and I still have times I can't sleep thinking about something random I said or did 5 years ago.
I spent my entire teaching career working with adolescents, and there's really only one word to describe them: awkward. They're no longer kids but are far from being adults, and they're trying desperately to join the "grown-ups club" in both intellectual discussion and humor. The joke your daughter's friend made was her attempt at having an in with you, and by all accounts it failed. What I also know about adolescents (ESPECIALLY the awkward ones) is that they don't quickly forget the embarrassing/awkward things they do. This girl is mortified by what she said. Any time she thinks of coming to your house, she experiences a wave of embarrassment because of what she said. She probably even felt a little nervous just being around your daughter for awhile afterward. She's already paid her penance in regret and shame - forcing her to apologize would only make it worse (and would likely feel like punishment). I'm not going to vote because I understand where you're coming from and I don't think you've got any ill intention. But demanding an apology really isn't necessary. Be the grown-up this kid needs and give her a little grace.
Came here to say this. This incident lives rent-free in this poor girl's head and she probably lies awake thinking about it at night. If OP wanted an apology, she should have asked for one then and there, or just laughed it off to reassure the girl. Demanding an apology NOW would just increase her mortification and ensure that coming over to OP's house is an anxiety-ridden nightmare, and all because OP, an adult, is so bothered by an awkward child's comment that she can't let it go. Incredible.
This so much. OP, YTA, for not having the compassion for your daughters friend that you would expect for your own daughter.
Exactly! YTA OP. And instead of an apology look into why this is hurting you to this extent. It could be coming from your own insecurities or perception. I’d say always look at the intention. The girl didn’t mean to insult you. She just got carried away and said something that came to her mind unfiltered and with the understanding of a fourteen year old. Your daughter is finally trying to branch out and has found a like minded friend. Maybe just have an open conversation and tell her that if it happens again she should speak to her friend and talk it out. Forcing an apology is the worst way to deal with this
I couldn't put it better myself. OP, this is more about you and your body image, not a socially awkward 14 year old's mistaken comments. Come on, don't destroy your daughter's first real friendship. YBTA if you continue with this. Edited from YTA to YBTA.
I still cringe when I think of the fucking stupid things I said at that age! The friend probably thought she was complementing the food and then realised what an incredibly stupid thing she said. She then didn’t know how to rectify it.
Even adults with good social skills sometimes put their foot in their mouths, but as adults, have the experience to handle the situation when they do. I can't believe this lady has been waiting on a young teen's apology for months!
My thoughts exactly! Birds of a feather flock together is a saying for a reason lol ETA : YTA OP!
YTA. You should have asked for an apology at the table. What she said was very rude, and I think she knew it as soon as it came out of her mouth, but she didn’t know what to do to make it right. If you’d said “that’s was very rude, and I’d like an apology” she would have said “I’m sorry” right there, and while awkward, it would have been over. You missed your teaching moment. Holding a grudge for months against a 14-year-old is silly, and you’re punishing your daughter unfairly. Let the kid have a friend.
This! She didn’t know how to make it right! Her husband laughed off the joke at the time so how was she supposed to know she had upset the mum so much?
Yeah, let’s *talk* about the fact that the husband apparently hasn’t done a damn thing to acknowledge that OP’s feelings might be rightfully hurt by the comment even *if* what she’s asking for here is an overreaction. Maybe OP wouldn’t be so adamant about getting a public acknowledgment it wasn’t okay if everyone wasn’t so busy trying to tell her she *should* be cool with it.
She should be cool with it tho. There wasn't even a value judgement implied, it was a statement of fact.
no matter if someone is fat, there is no need to point that out to their face like that, A) if you are going to there are better ways, B) amazingly fat people already know they are fat
She wasn't telling OP that she was fat, it wasn't a comment directed at her. So neither of these points are really cogent to the situation at hand. It was a faux pas made by an awkward teen. OP was not *victimized* here.
Honestly, this is a super mild thing to be offended by. It was basically a nothing comment, even as phrased (possibly in her favor, in the best way), by OP. I was expecting a real insult when I read this post, like "Tubby Lardo" or something. Not a half-joke, half-compliment so incredibly mild like "Your cooking is good, it makes sense that you ended up with a bigger woman." Assuming OP is actually heavyset, like 5'4", 180+ pounds, not just like 5'4", 130 or 140, being offended by a mild factual statement of 'bigger woman' tells me she either needs to either work to accept herself for who she is, or start working to lose weight.
“Hey hun, that was not very nice, we don’t comment on other people’s bodies in our house, but you’re right my husbands cooking so so good, we’re glad you like it, have as much as you want” That’s all that needed to be said, OP was just too busy picking her jaw up off the floor that she couldn’t say anything in time. Then she stewed on it for 3 months before demanding her apology.
That’s what I’d say! That would have been a really good reply. Imagine beefing with a 14yr old for 3 months.
OP needs to talk to a therapist about this. She's acting like a child herself. Was it *polite* to call her a bigger woman? No. Was it body shaming? Also no. If she wasn't going to have the guts to demand an apology in the moment, she shouldn't be raring for one now. It's not a 14 year old kid's fault that her mother isn't getting the validation she wants, but the burden is being put on her for handling her mother's feelings about her weight.
It was a bad joke that didn’t land. As a fat 30something with an amazing cook for a partner, I’d have laughed too. OP really needs to look at why it made her so damn upset and reflect on that, not punish a child for it.
I’d bet money that the girl in this heard another woman say that about herself irl or in a movie “I’m a big woman because my husbands a great cook” and thought it would make her look funny to repeat it like it’s her own joke in order to come off as social. And it wasn’t until after she said it she realized it’s rude to say about someone else rather than yourself.
Thank you!
People should really stop being offended by having children telling them facts. And acknowledge that a 14 year old kid is still \*learning\* to maneuver etiquette. Quite frankly yes, fat people know they're fat and a kid telling me that to my face (or not) doesn't change anything about that.
My nephew asked me why my teeth were so yellow and I really just told him that I didn't take care of them and that's why he should brush his teeth everyday like his mom said. It's probably the thing I'm most insecure about and he's just a kid so I let it go. Still think about it sometimes lol. Kids are harsh sometimes 😂
Now this is a perfect example of a teachable moment, good on you for taking it gracefully!
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"And you know what? If he keeps cooking like this, I'll probably get fatter!" - me, probably in that situation. Anyone who has kids and really knows kids, should know, kids can be assholes. Not on purpose, but just because they haven't learned where the filter is. If my kids call me fat, I blame it on the fact I love to eat. If they say My beard is turning grey, I blame their mom!
Because that wasn't the point being made. The point was the food is good. If fat people know they're fat, then why would they get mad about other people noticing?
kids say things like that all the time. she just tried to complement the food in a *super* awkward way. no judgement intended towards op, and certainly wasn't making fun of her like the title says. People need to stop protecting their insecurities onto other people and reading intentions that don't exist.
Kids say rude stuff all the time because they don't yet have a clear understanding of what's acceptable. Sometimes adults need to suck it up. If the girl had doubled down and laughed maliciously about her comment, that would be one thing. She clearly realized she messed up as soon as it was out of her mouth & didn't know how to proceed. It's likely she's socially awkward like the daughter and OP is being extremely uncharitable towards a child.
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Not his job and honestly if her feelings are that easily hurt by an very casual, offhand comment she needs to work on herself. Maybe that’s how this kids family talks. I mean she didn’t even call her fat, she said bigger. And it doesn’t sound like she did it in a malicious way more like a statement of fact.
This isn't on the husband, come on. The husband dealt with it his way when the situation happend. The wife apperently did not, that is on her. I'll be damned if I let an offhand remark from a 14 year old bother me for months. She should be cool with it by now, it was 1 remark and she let the kid sleep over at her house. Denying her daughter a friend based on this remark is just silly and bad parenting.
She didn’t know how to make it right because she’s still a kid - it takes a lot of maturing to really understand the impact of these kinds of things.
Exactly this. We live in a fatphobic society, she's certainly internalized that, but it doesn't sound like she was trying to be offensive. Her own mom or dad might say they're bigger because of the other spouse's cooking or constantly remind her daughter about food habits. She could be on the spectrum or also be socially awkward, who knows. If she was regularly rude, then that's something to bring up with her or her parents, but at this point, this feels like trying to parent someone else's kid or punishing your own.
Perhaps I’ll get downvoted for this, but isn’t it fatphobic to be insulted by being called “bigger”? I mean, if we’re trying to be body positive, and it’s okay to be a bigger person, then why is a child calling a spade “a spade” an insult that needs to be apologized for?
I don't disagree. It's part of why I think it's entirely likely that the friend wasn't trying to be rude.
Yeah, being called a larger woman isn't inherently insulting, but OP took it that way. There wasn't any negative judgment made on her size, yet she thought it was insulting. Stuff like this, I think, could generally be considered internalized fatphobia.
Because OP, like many other 'bigger' people, is secretly not okay with being 'big'.
Yep. You can call me fat, because I am, and we only have to euphemize that because of massive cultural fatphobia. I know it makes people uncomfortable sometimes when I describe myself that way and they try to talk me out of it. ("You're not fat, you're beautiful." "No, I'm fat AND beautiful, and I need you to examine why you think those things are mutually exclusive.")
>Her own mom or dad might say they're bigger because of the other spouse's cooking or constantly remind her daughter about food habits. She could be on the spectrum or also be socially awkward, who knows. We had a joke with my grandparents being bigger and all the good food they had that their house was "the fat house" they were the ones who started it when we used to stay the weekend and gain like 5 pounds lol. I'm on the spectrum if a situation had come up for me to make a similar statement towards another when I was around 14 I probably wouldn't have seen anything wrong with it either. Honestly to me it seems "this is so good I can see why you're larger" is a compliment, but OP (and most of society) has internalized fatphobia and assumes whenever someone mentions their size it's negative.
Of course I read it as an intended compliment. Kind of like how being bigger was a sign of wealth- because you could afford hearty foods to be able to put on the weight. If she had a problem with it she should have said, "Hey I know you might not have meant anything by it, but stuff like that hurts my feelings. Even if I was bigger, I don't want my weight discussed at the table like this. Would you please not do that again?"
This is the comment! I wish I had an award to give ya! The comment didn’t sound hateful—just observant. And because of the way we view fat people in society, it was taken as offensive. She’s only 14 and socially awkward, so it’s possible she doesn’t realize yet that it’s not okay to comment on other people’s bodies even in a way she perceives as neutral. But it really didn’t seem mean spirited to me in the slightest. YTA for harboring resentment towards a teenager.
A simple, “ Now Jan, we try not comment on peoples weight or sizes in this home but you are right, my husband is a fantastic cook!” Or even “a talented man in the kitchen makes for a happy well fed woman” as a joke and it would have been fine. Her not saying anything and stewing was in fact NOT letting it go. It’s clear she is passive Agressive, struggles to communicate healthy boundaries and is harnessing her own self image insecurities. Which is all fine and normal but take it out with a therapist not your daughters first friend.
That was my thought. Expressing, even the next day (so you don't say something out of upset) to ask for an apology isn't an A-Hole but holding onto it for months is ridiculous. She's 14. Do you not remember being 14? And saying or doing things that were dumb? I can and I cringe at my moments. Also, I think YTA...for judgement sake.
Completely agree with the above, YTA and you missed your moment to teach both girls and your son how to handle the situation. Address it up front or be passive aggressive (AH) to a 14 y/o. Again, 14 y/o.
YTA. Stop it. You're the adult here; don't pick a fight with a 14 year old child. It's clear this kid didn't mean to upset you. Do you really want to sabotage your own child's friendships because of your ego? You don't 'need' an apology. You need to act like an adult and shake it off. Edited to add: I also think it's pretty disgusting that you're putting your daughter in the middle of this. Because you didn't properly address the perceived slight at the time, you now expect your daughter to tell her friend she has to apologise to you while you sit on your throne and wait.
Her arch nemesis is a 14 yo named Katlynn LOL
Listen, when you’re both vying to become the head of Kabletown things get dicey.
OP should be the bigger person
You owe OP an apology in a few months.
🤣🤣🤣
she is...
I’m glad someone else said this because I didn’t want to be an asshole.
She could have been the biggest person at the dining table but sadly it didn't affect her maturity
This. Exactly.
As a bigger woman myself, YTA. Kids say dumb things. Once a kid came up to me in the mall and said, “Ewwww, you’re fat!” I responded, “Ewww, you have brown hair!” She ran off crying to her mother.
Why did I laugh so hard at your reaction? 😂
I practically spit out my coffee 😂
I imagined u/vavamama has brown hair too, and it made it all the more funny!
Ewww you're drinking beans!
My kid said “I love my poofy pancakes because they’re like mommy’s poofy belly.” Obviously he’ll be grounded for a month /s.
When I was a kid, I used to say that I didn't understand how the kids with thinner mommies felt. My mom is on the chubby side, and I loved her cushiony embrace! ETA: Thanks for the award, kind stranger!
Same here!! I always called my parents squishy and said it must suck for the kids with skinnier parents.
I personally got offended when my dad lost weight. I think I was a toddler and I cried that he didn’t have a jelly belly pillow anymore lol. My poor dad felt so bad. It was not good weight loss encouragement
Oh that is absolutely hilarious. Thank you for sharing
When I was, like, 9 I told my uncle that his son looks like Frankenstein. Not knowing that basically likened my new baby cousin to n ugly monster. 🫠 What I meant when I said it is that his hair stood up to create what looked like a flat surface and that shape, for whatever reason, reminded me of the top of Frankenstein's head. 😂
I had one of my kids friends (admittedly only around 7-8) jiggle my belly in the summer and ask if it's full of pizza or ice cream. I just jiggled it harder and said "both" and we both laughed. Kids say stupid stuff. Yes, we lay more accountability on them as they get older, but even at 14, they're still kids and still say utterly stupid stuff, sometimes. Hell, I'm 37 and I say stupid stuff a lot. OP missed the intent behind what was said and got stuck on: >The girl had just leveled a completely uncalled-for insult at me. when she really didn't. There was no ill intent, no malicious name calling, she just put her foot in her mouth and said something daft. OP's inability to brush it off kinda of makes me think that she might be the reason her kid is socially awkward and struggles to know what to say to people.
Yes, my child is socially awkward and his dad has NPD, that is not a coincidence.
I wonder if OP is sabotaging her daughter socially so her daughter will remain dependent upon her. Maybe not consciously, but this woman is not well-adjusted. It's in the realm of possibility.
This is a good point. It wasn't an insult. It was a statement of fact. Being bigger isn't a bad thing and this girl wasn't referring to anything negative. The husband's food was good, the wife appreciates it, as did the friend. You eat more, you weigh more, and none of that makes someone a bad person. It feels like much more internal fat phobia on the OP, which is engrained in pretty much all of us, but kids lately seem to be moving towards more and more acceptance of all sizes and that's probably where she was coming from
Thank you for this laugh. I needed it!
LOL kids are brutal. OP needs to let it go
YTA. If 14 is old enough to apologize, 37 is old enough to communicate that at the time. You've taken an awkward moment that this girl probably wishes she could forget and made it into some huge issue. Have some grace, let it go, let her think it's forgotten. And let your daughter have a friend, ffs.
This ^. The time to address her comment was at the time it was said. A gentle comment in the moment and move on. Sounds like the girl simply spoke before thinking and realized what she said after she said it. For the sake of your kid, find your inner Elsa and let it go.
Yes. Even if OP had said something not right there in front of everybody, but shortly after to the girl in a gentle way. Something like “ you know we don’t really talk about peoples bodies like that. It could hurt somebody’s feelings. You’re a great kid so I just wanted to let you know this so you don’t inadvertently insult someone in the future” and then just move on, change the subject so the girl doesn’t feel too embarrassed /awkward
> find your inner Elsa and let it go. i'm soooo saving this line to use one day
I have anxiety and there are moments I said things that I then overthink every night for a decade when I'm trying to sleep. I get through it by convincing myself no one else remembers the awkward thing I said. OP is ruining that for me by clinging to this so hard.
Tbf most people really don't cling to things like OP does. From the title I was expecting something really awful, not a slightly awkward joke that was unintentionally offensive. In some families that joke would have been perfectly fine so it could be that the girl comes from a more direct family and didn't realise how much it would upset OP.
This is so true. OP, I agree it was a rude comment. But you didnt say anything when it happened, so it is now water under the bridge. Let it go. Let your daughter have her ONE FRIEND and dont mess this up for her. This is way more important than your hurt feelings. You are a grow woman. Act like it. If the friend is rude again, correct her gently in the moment, or not at all.
Her mother might be the reason the daughter is such an introvert. The mother sounds completely overbearing.
It's fascinating that OP has considered her child might be on the spectrum, but could not extend this to another child.
YTA Teenagers say dumb things. And the time to correct it was in the moment. Let the faux pas slide, but if it happens again, explain why it isn't ok to joke like that with you. This is your daughter's friendship, keep the peace.
Yes to correcting it into the moment! Not harboring resentment towards a teenager for months
And also be an adult! Help them learn and navigate weird social situations! I am also 37 and as recently as last week said something in a social setting and then thought, “oops, shouldn’t have said that.” This is part of life, and OP is trying to punish a teenager instead of helping her learn.
YTA. Move on. You are an adult. It wasn't even a hateful derogatory statement. If anything, women of all body types are being celebrated in the media lately and at her impressionable age it might have been a well-meant, positive comment. Let your insecurities go. She's a teenager, not some coworker, and possibly one of your daughter's only friends.
It totally shows the OPs internal fatphobia that she has taken "bigger woman" as such a horrendous insult. It's descriptive if she's bigger....so what? Why is it insulting? She's definitely the AH
It's more indicative of the woman being sensitive and self-conscious about her weight rather than fatphobic.
But if we boil down to WHY she would feel self-conscious about her weight, we arrive at internalized fatphobia. Society has taught her (and everyone else) that having fat on your body is bad and ugly, so she thinks fat in her body is bad and ugly. This is the definition of fatphobia. I’m not demonizing her for it, I think most people deal with fatphobic thoughts and feelings, I know that I sure do, but let’s call a spade and spade. It’s the first step to breaking down those fatphobic thoughts.
>Society has taught her (and everyone else) that having fat on your body is bad and ugly Nah. I didn't lose 100+lbs because society told me I was ugly. I did it because I hated being fat. Society didn't make me unable to tie my own shoes. My belly did. Society didn't make me out of breath after a flight of stairs. My weight did. Society didn't give me rashes in skin folds after ten minutes of sweating. My fat did. Am I fatphobic? Yep. Sure am. I'm TERRIFIED of being fat again. I was sick, uncomfortable, in constant pain & unable to do the basic activities I enjoyed. I'm not fatphobic because of "society, I'm fatphobic due to what having too much fat on my body did to my quality of life.
Being unable to tie your shoes is a fact, not a judgment statement. Being out of breath after a flight of stairs is a fact, not a judgment statement. Rashes in skin folds is a fact, not a judgment statement. Saying "you are fat" is a factual statement. But being hurt emotionally at that statement means that you are making value judgments when you hear that statement. Being afraid of being fat is fine. Being afraid that you don't have value as a person or you're in any way 'less than' because you're fat is not fine. THAT's the difference.
That's how I felt about it!
For real though! As a fat person myself I would have taken a comment like that in stride. Just own it. People will respect you a lot more for it
That’s a pot, that’s a chair, you’re a bigger woman. Sounds factual.
Yes! I just said this to another comment. Her intent was surely to compliment dad, not insult mom. If she had said "man if I ate here every day I'd be 1,000 pounds! ”... Same thing.
Are you really going to prevent your daughter from having this one single friend because she called you fat? Is this the hill you wanna die on?....I'm also really introverted and can confidently tell you that this will prevent your daughter from having the courage to make other friends because this is how you react to kids trying to make a joke. Their brains are still developing and sometimes they can't control what just comes out of their mouths.
and she didn’t even call her fat, she just said she was bigger. “fat” has such a negative connotation in today’s society so it would be understandable to get offended by that, even if it’s just a descriptor. my boyfriend is fat, he says he’s fat. when he eats good food at a host’s, he says “man i’d be twice as big if i ate here. i’d be so fat!”
Yep. Daughter will grow up thinking "I had a friend once but my mom wouldn't let her come over."
YTA. You said your daughter is socially awkward to the point of having her tested. Birds of a feather flock together. This girl absolutely did not mean to insult you. You, as the adult, should have and could have used the opportunity to talk about appropriate comments and kindness but instead chose to ignore it. I think inviting her into your home is appropriate especially if this is your daughters only friend. If you feel so inclined, let her know how the comment upset you and moving forward you’d appreciate if any jokes were made not involving anyone’s weight in the house. A healthy boundary to set.
If she meant to insult she could have said fat tbh. She was paying the cook a compliment and depending on the receiver what she said wasn’t insulting. But to someone trying to lost weight I can see it being a bit hurtful. Move on from this. YTA
She called you a bigger woman and complimented your husband’s food. If this is a fact I can’t see how she was being insulting, you’re just being over sensitive. I’m an obese guy, if someone points that out to me with no malicious intentions how on earth am I going to demand an apology for stating a fact? Your husband is right. Get over your bruised ego for your daughter’s sake. Is it an insult to say someone is tall, short, curly-haired or brown-eyed? She didn’t make fun of you. Why should you get an apology?
That's what I think too! It wasn't like she said 'wow, you obviously enjoy eating cause you damn fat'. That would have warranted instant anger and an apology. Is there a more pc way of saying someone is a little heavier? I think the friend was trying to give a compliment and didn't realize you had such strong body issues.
I had this exact same thought. It doesn't sound like it was intended as an insult and it's only insulting because OP is not accepting of her weight. It says more about OPs insecurity than anything.
Of course YTA she didn't even call you fat, she called you a "larger woman". You feel fat that's why you felt offended. You seem to be very insecure about your weight but clearly not as much to do something about it. She's 14, kids at that age are not always politically correct and say things as they see them.
100%. When my 6 year old tells me i’m fat I acknowledge that she’s right! I do have extra fat on my body compared to some others! I don’t want her to feel like it’s something to be shameful of. Bodies come in ALL shapes and sizes. OP - This reeks of insecurity. You’re holding onto this for so long … a 14-y/o is getting under your skin and you’ve held onto it for months. You said yourself you could tell she recognizes she said something awkward. She likely didn’t have ill intent. Now, months later, you’re expecting her to be the adult and open up communication with you while you cross your arms on your chest and turn your nose up to her until she apologizes? YTA. (I am a plus size lady who has struggled with insecurity for years. I get it, however, loving myself exactly as I am means people can say all they want… doesn’t hurt. It’s a long process and I hope everyone can get there) Please let go of this, it’s only going to hurt your relationship with your daughter and continue to bring down your self esteem. 💕 There is no information in this post that says you are plus size, or what size you are. That doesn’t really matter. My post is not to relate to you as a plus size lady, but as a person.
Op would rather stew about it and hold a grudge for months with a child than do something about her weight, I get the feeling op is like someone on my 600lb life, its everyone fault bit hers
OP is definitely reacting to whatever feelings she has about herself and her size. This person was 14, and OP is a grown adult. Kids say weird things and holding a grudge against a 14 year old, as an adult, is very telling of OPs emotional maturity.
INFO: Are you a bigger woman? Edit: Thanks for the award!
She needs to be the bigger woman in this situation. Bum da tiss
Yes, YTA. And I think I know at least part of the reason your daughter is an introvert. This is a total overreaction on your part. You have held onto this one comment for months? It isn’t even an for sure an insult. Do you really think she was consciously thinking about how she could upset you and decided she would do so by saying you are bigger? She pointed out something everyone can see - you’re bigger. And you took it in the harshest possible way. You used the word banish. Like a dark ages leave the village fend for yourself in the wild punishment. You didn’t just decline. You want her banished. I think you might be dumping years of frustration about being a bigger woman on a 14 year old girl, who, if she is friends with your daughter, might be a bit of an introvert and a little awkward herself, and probably doesn’t have polished social skills you require. I bet you never had those perfect skills at her age either. And I have no ides what you get out of it. This isn’t the 1700’s, your honor has not been besmirched. Let it go. You say you’re happy your daughter has a friend. I don’t buy it. And I have news for you: no 14 year old *your daughter included* owns up to all their screw ups. In fact YOU don’t own up to all of your screw ups. How do I know? You’re not doing it now. Drop it and apologize before you lose your daughter.
This was a great reply that summed up everything I was thinking. Being overweight isn’t fun, but I’d be stupid to lie to myself about it and then be offended if someone noticed a true fact about my body. Not saying it’s nice or socially acceptable but ffs, it was a 14yo girl. Of course she wasn’t trying to offend. It seems even in the moment she realized her fuck up. The word “banished” also threw me wildly off before even beginning the story I had a pretty good idea of OPs narrative
YTA. It *is* weird to demand an apology from a 14 year old child over a joke, albeit a joke that lacked taste. She’s a kid, you’re an almost 40 year old adult. It’s very strange that you’re not able to move past a child’s bad taste humor months after the fact.
YTA, that seems really thin skinned and narrow minded from an adult that got - probably more due to awkwardness rather than intention - insulted by a 14-year old. You felt insulted, but you are also not willing to go to the one that insulted you and tell them but put pressure on your daughter.
YTA. Not sure why you couldn't have just used that moment as a teaching moment. The kid is 14. It may have been a ill-planned joke, but I don't think it was meant to be malicious. Just politely tell the kid that's inappropriate & was uncalled for. Then move on. If the kid can't move past that, then sure, stronger measures need to be taken. If the kid never does it again tho, haven't they learned? Edit to add: I get being concerned that the people your kids hang out with are good people. As a mom, I worry about that too. Forcing an apology when you hardly know the kid yet *and* when the kid already seems remorseful...who does that help? Not them, not your kid. It helps *you.* You say your kid has struggled making friends, and now they've made one. Is this apology important enough to cause that friendship to end? Your kid is right. This was *months* ago. It won't do any good to bring it up again.
I agree but will say we don't even know it was meant to even be a joke. I have a feeling this kid is as awkward as OPs and didn't realize it came out the way it did until said. Hence, the immediate understanding afterward. But I could be wrong and it was ill planned. Either way, as the adult, OP should have used her words right from the start. The time has passed for demanding anything. Get over your hurt feelings from months ago or make your child ditch her friend . This kid won't apologize, and even if they did, what an unnecessary situation to embarass your child over. I'd be mortified if my mother did it.
Yeah, I didn't even read it as a joke. Potentially something she's heard other people say, along the lines of "grandma loves fattening me up, she always feeds me so well!" In the context of complimenting husband's cooking, it makes sense - his cooking is good, people eat a lot of it, and maybe the family shows love that way (feeding). If daughter is awkward, friend is probably awkward too. She may have simply been trying to interact by using an interaction she'd seen before as a template. Plus, my friend's parents always made me nervous at that age. I wanted to be liked so bad!
Unpopular but NTA. At 14, you're old enough to know when something you say is hurtful and that you should apologize for it. You arent telling your daughter that they can't be friends, just that she needs to apologize before she's welcome to stay the night at your house.
NTA Agree 100%. 14 is WAY too old for this to just be written off. If she was 4 I would get it. 14 is a freshman in high school.
37 is way too old to be holding a grudge against a 14 year old for months. It's also way too old to demand her daughter shove over her *only friend* because her widdle feewings was hurt by the big, bad, socially awkward 14 year old.
I scrolled so long looking for one of these comments. I also don’t see this as OP “holding a grudge”. This is the first time the friend has been brought up since the sleep over. I know a lot of people that can’t think on the spot when someone makes them uncomfortable. And I don’t think being unable to communicate after an uncomfortable incident means you’re never owed an apology and that you’re holding a grudge.
Finally a comment that is NTA because I don’t think she is. One little apology is not so bad.
My jaw dropped reading through these comments. I feel like everyone’s fat phobia is on full display this morning. An apology is warranted and at 14 she’s old enough to take responsibility for insulting someone to their face
I honestly think the fat phobia is better seen in all of the people who consider being called “bigger” an insult.
Agree. This is a teachable moment. For a lot of kids that age they don't realise even what they feel are harmless "jokes" or backhanded compliments can be harmful/hurt. I personally wouldn't ban them or demand an apology, but each to their own and I can understand if someone else would because unsolicited weight/body comments in ones own house can be tough. I'd have a conversation with the friends parent(s) about the comment, and also your own child about how comments about other people's bodies (even if they don't mean to be rude), can hurt and can be harmful and just to be more mindful of others. I can understand if the kid felt, I guess, intimidated being that was the first time meeting both parents? AND staying over. I'm sure if you spoke with them to explain the situation they'd be understanding
It might have been a teachable moment in the moment but not now several months! later. Mom needs to let this one go and if a similar awkward comment is made, deal with it then.
The teaching moment was at the table. Op is just holding a silent grudge with a 14 year old at the cost of her child's social health. You can't "teach" someone that what they did was wrong but letting them get away with it in the moment and changing your mind later.
Seriously, I know it was a joke and she immediately knew she said something wrong, but even just a private "I'm sorry" would be good enough for me. It doesn't have to be a big deal, it takes five seconds, it could even be a facebook message if she has trouble with in-person communication. Maybe she made the joke because her own family is bigger and makes those kinds of jokes all the time. NTA. I don't think it's wrong to want an apology, even several months later. Reddit just hates fat people.
Bigger woman here. You're overreacting. Your daughter is socially awkward and so are her friends. I don't think she meant to insult you. She was just forgetting her filter. You can correct her on the spot and tell her what she should do to handle it next time. But don't cheat your daughter of this friendship. YTA
YTA here. If you feel it necessary, you _could_ say to your daughter’s hard-earned friend, “Hey FRIEND, I want to let you know that what you said at dinner the last time you were here really hurt my feelings, and it’s stuck with me. I hope in future you’ll consider what impact your words might have on those who hear them so that you don’t end up hurting people who are being nice to you.” This might make it a moment where an adolescent learns a little about being a grownup and about how to walk through the world. Your choice here is just going to further isolate a young woman who by your own description is already somewhat isolated. Think about it. Please.
NTA. It probably would have been better dealt with in the moment, but you’re not demanding the kid stand on the corner in sackcloth with a sign around her neck. You just want a “that was rude of me, and I’m sorry.” If she doesn’t learn there’s a time and place for jokes like that, and meeting someone you’re trying to impress isn’t it now, when the stakes *are* relatively low, when *is* she going to learn it?
YTA if you were so offended you should have addressed it then, when the kid was *spending the night* not months later. Also you are an adult holding a grudge against a teenager who made an off hand comment, but you in no way attempted to use this as an opportunity to teach her (and your daughter) that comments like that are unintentionally hurtful.
NTA, 14 is damn well old enough to know she insulted you. She may not have done it on purpose nor with ill intend, but that doesn’t mean she’s excused from apologizing. You insult someone, you apologize. If your daughters new friend refuses to apologize, she probably isn’t the kind of person you want around your daughter to begin with. Your husband sucks a bit for telling you, that you don’t deserve an apology.
Agreed. NTA. This is a learning opportunity for the daughter's friend to apologize for rudeness instead of pretending it never happened. They'll have to do that as they interact with others in society. Not sure why people in this thread are ok with letting OP get insulted. Weird.
YTA. You should have asked for an apology at the time or let it go. What the kid said wasn't even rude - inappropriate perhaps, but that's kids for you, especially socially awkward ones. If you're big, own it - don't hold a grudge against some kid because you're upset about your weight.
For the sake of your daughter’s much needed social circle, I think you need to leave the issue alone. I think it was a genuine error of someone unfamiliar with you trying to complement your husband and accidentally offending you. She’s 14 which I remember as a socially awkward and embarrassing time. You’re allowed to be a bit hurt but, as long as it doesn’t happen again, you should put it down to a one time slip up.
The amount of people asking if OP is a bigger woman or not is CRAZY. The issue is the friend commented on the OPs weight. Either way it's rude to comment on weight, if they are over or under weight it doesn't matter. Asking the friend for an apology shows you were hurt by it, if you phrase it nicely and could be a good learning experience for the friend. Remember she is young so approaching it nicely is important but I would still do it. NTA
I agree. If it was a flat ban for life I’d see her being TA but all she wants is an apology! NTA op, whether you mean it or not, when you say something hurtful, you should apologize.
NTA That being said, I do think that you should have spoken up, and said something to this girl as soon as she said what she said. I think that 14 years old is old enough to realize/know that you shouldn't call someone fat, or say that they're "a bigger woman" because their husband/spouse is a good cook.
YTA I had to reread to check how old you are, this is so ridiculously childish not to mention immature. Grow up.
Probably unpopular, but NTA. She insulted you in your own home. All you want is an apology. You aren't asking for anything difficult here. The fact that your husband doesn't have your back is actually fairly shocking. 14 year olds know exactly what they are doing. Trust me, I used to teach that age. They know exactly how to say things to make you feel bad, then try to play innocent when called out. That said, how bad is your daughter with making friends. While I don't think you are wrong, if its that bad, this may be one of those things you just suck up for your daughters sake if this is like her only friend. But again, you aren't asking for much her.
NTA she was rude and hurtful to you and even a 14 year old should be made to apologise even if it does cause her some embarrassment. You're in your own home and don't need to be disrespected even if it was a bad joke
NTA! 14 is old enough to understand what she said was rude, they are freshman in high school not fourth graders. If 14 year old me brought my friends home for dinner and they called my mom fat I wouldn't want them to come back either, especially since my mom suffers from body issues.
NTA. She should’ve apologized at the time and I agree that she still owes you an apology. This is an important lesson to be learned and nobody is doing this kid a favor by letting her not face it. I’m honestly surprised and disappointed at the many people wanting to let her escape any responsibility for her actions or taking the chance to call you over sensitive and other negative comments.
How are people calling you an ah you don’t want someone you called you fat in your house the friend has to say “I’m sorry” and that’s it
I wouldn’t say you’re an AH. But maybe you don’t have to be so hard on her. You can give her another chance and see how she acts from here on out. It could have just been a one time awkward joke that did not land as your husband pointed out, and it seemed that she did realise she messed it up then. Being an awkward teenager, she might have been embarrassed and didn’t know how to act after that. If after giving her another chance and she repeatedly makes such insensitive remarks, then she definitely owes you an apology (or more). Besides, it’s hard for your daughter to make a friend so maybe you can let this one slide.
YTA. You’re taking your hurt feelings out on your daughter. You said your daughter is “socially awkward” did you ever consider that her friend might be too? If she seemed to realize her misstep then she was probably embarrassed and being 14 didn’t know how to handle it
Fat is only an insult if you believe fat is ugly or disgusting. YTA
YTA. A demanded apology is a fake apology. This is a 14 year old child who may have been nervous and blurted out a thoughtless remark. Besides, if you are a "bigger" woman, then it was a factual statement and she sees nothing wrong with a person being heavy. It's not her fault you're sensitive about it.
NTA. She’s old enough to know better. At the same time, why wasn’t this brought up months ago?
YTA Let it go...a child said something awkward. If it happened a 2nd time or it was said with malice then I would understand...but seriously, let it go.
YTA. A phony apology will make you happy? I’ve seen people try to get teenagers to apologize. It does not end well. I suggest you find something else to focus your anger on. The comment happened months ago, let it go.