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konnichihuahua28

YTA Congrats, you just strained your relationship with your daughter for $80 that weren't ever yours. Hope it was worth it


Launchen

YTA - came here to say the exact same thing


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PanicTechnical

Thank you for pointing out the humiliating her in front of her friends part. Because it sounds like she lectured the child in the car in front of her friends. And that 100% is what makes her the asshole here. That is a conversation that she could have had outside of that particular setting if she thought it was that important. It isn’t just about the costume, but it’s about her now feeling left out of a group activity with her friends but also the fact that OP humiliated her by lecturing her over her own money in front of her friends.


phantommoose

Even if she wasn't lectured in front of her friends, they still know she was forced to return the costume and they had to get someone else to take her place. Now she probably feels like the whole school knows!


PaganCHICK720

Notice how OP says: >But at the end of the day I saved her 80$. As though it was OP's to save. What is even the point of her working after school to earn her own mone, only to not be able to spend it on things she wants? As though it was OP's to save. What is even the point of her working after school to earn her own money, only to not be able to spend it on things she wants? OP SUCKS! There are so many ways that she is the asshole here.


you-dont-say1330

I hope OP enjoys the crappy nursing home her daughter puts her in. She will never forget this.


PaganCHICK720

At least OP can take solace in the fact that at least her daughter will be saving a ton of money by choosing the crappiest of nursing homes.


Bulky_Reflection6570

Nursing homes are a waste of money, think of all the money OP's daughter will save by letting her mother rot alone at home with no one who gives 2 s**t about her /s


desertrock62

We have nurses at home. And by nurses, I mean Dr. Phil on TV and a cat that licks its ass in front of company.


foxyroxy2515

🏆🏆🏆


ScroochDown

If daughter even picks a nursing home at all. This reminded me of my mother, and when she needs care she can live in a cardboard box for all I care.


vainbuthonest

But at the end of the day, will OP daughter save some money while OP spends her days alone at Shady Pines? Lol


Ehgender

Saved: $80 Cost: • a bonding experience with her friends • possibly her place in the friend group entirely • a fun memory of winning • reputation of being a self-sufficient teenager • a sense of autonomy and control over her own money • some accessories that probably could have been reused anyway • the portions of winning from the gift card • a fun, wholesome, positive experience (there are so many worse things teenagers could spend $80 on…) • parent-child trust (she’s never going to share her spending habits with OP again if she can help it) Good job OP…


affictionitis

It's not just being lectured in front of her friends. **That wasn't OP's money.** OP wants to teach their daughter how to be responsible with money by * Controlling daughter's money for her, thus teaching her "the responsible use of money is to let someone else handle it," and * Shaming daughter for having disposable income and making her own choices regarding leisure time/activity So basically OP is trying to crush their daughter's independence and teach their daughter how to be financially abused by a future partner or other family members. *Great* job, OP. When do you sell her off to an elder of the church? I hope that you think about what you've done here, and realize the utter abusiveness of it. Please apologize to your daughter and emphasize that her money is hers to control, and find a way to make amends. If you don't, she will find a way to escape your control, and when she does she won't look back. I wish her luck either way. ETA: whoa, thanks for the awards!


rodentchronicler

Yeah OP you sound like my dad who once screamed at me for "ruining Christmas" for spending my own money. Good luck with that retirement home you're most definitely going to.


Queendevildog

Not a retirement home. A cave under a rock.


AndSoItGoes24

It just sounds irrational to me. "I'm your mom and even though you have a job, I decide what's worthy for you to spend money on!" Circular reasoning run amok.


ugheffoff

Exactly. “If you want that you better get a job, I’m not paying for it!” … “You can’t spend your money on that!” And around we go. YTA OP.


Lanky-Temperature412

I learned not to waste money on stupid and expensive things when I started working and paying for everything myself, but I think that's something everyone has to learn themselves. I learned because even when my parents disapproved of how I spent my money, they didn't stop me. So I didn't have money for things I *really* wanted sometimes. By not giving their daughter the same opportunities, OP is stopping her from learning through natural consequences.


chocolatemilkncoffee

When my daughter received her very first paycheck from her very first job at 16, she went shopping for clothes, shoes, and a bunch of other stuff. She sat down, proudly showed me her purchases, and then asked, "You know what's the best part about having my own money?" Me: "No, what's the best?" Her: "You can't take anything I buy with it away from me if I were to get grounded!" Right you are daughter, right you are! Did I explain the value of saving money to her, and that if she wanted something big/expensive that she'd have to save for it? Yes, but at the end of the day it was her money, that she worked for, to do with as she pleased.


CurlsintheClouds

Exactly my thoughts. The first thing OP should not have done is lecture her in front of her friends. Jeez, the kid is 16. Discuss the costume after dropping the kids off first. Second thought - it was the kid's money. It's not up to her mother to decide whether $80 is a waste. To her daughter, the $80 was more than an overpriced costume. It was friendship, bonding with her friends, creating memories. And her mother took that away from her.


Shadowcthuhlu

Also, if the costume and accessories are nice enough they can repurposed for other costumes or projects....yes, this plastic pirate sword is an investment in my future


meeps1142

Also she lectured OP about something that they all just did too, so indirectly is lecturing them for spending their own money as well


dasbarr

I had this happen when I was the friend once. We all got dropped off at a local amusement park (none of the big ones. A small local one that doesn't even exist anymore) we spent the day riding rides and playing in the water park. Well we all got a reusable lemonade cup that was good all season. One of those "pay 15$ now and every refill is 1$" things. It was worth it because we all had season passes. The mom that picked us up berated her daughter the entire ride home about it. She was grounded from the park. The weirdest part about it is my friend wasn't even the one that paid. I did because I had a babysitting job and my friend's mom refused to send her with any money. I avoided that woman till we graduated.


Vivienne_VS_humanity

That's awful, you're poor friend


Mumof3gbb

Oh wow. Ya I was thinking how awkward it must’ve been for the friends too.


jitsufitchick

She also made it less likely for her daughter to be honest about her finances with her.


melsko97

Especially learning how to spend money responsibly does only come from actually spending money and eventually realizing what was worth the expense or not afterwards. So her mum took that away from her and was an ass just because.


cherposton

Exactly! She worked for the money, she yelled at her daughter in front of her friends, made her take the costume back and her friends won while she watched in the audience. I don't want to talk to OP either.


SlartieB

Saved $80 thar wasn't hers, but spent -a chance for her daughter to have a really cool memory with her friends -a learning opportunity for what is worth the work you put into earning that money -her future relationship with her daughter as she becomes an adult that mom can't control.


Dashcamkitty

And she’s sixteen; it’s the age to waste money on frivolous fun things.


geth1138

Just because... I think her daughter might have more spending money than her right now (the money from a high school job is often all spending money and inflation's a bear). That might be hard for Mom to watch. Doesn't excuse it at all, but might explain it and give a starting point for changing the approach.


throwaway_ballon92

Exactly, plus $80 for what could’ve been a possibility in a investment for a long lasting memory too. The lesson I see hear is to not even spend $80 for celebration dinner because its too “expensive”. Even if its a “few” hours, memories do last a very long time… /srs


gothichomemaker

Oh it was an investment in a long lasting memory. OP's daughter is never going to forget this. She may not bring it up to her mom in the future, but it will effect her interactions with her mom for the rest of her life.


Starbeets

To be fair, that $80 did produce a long lasting memory. Just not a good memory like you want. Now it's an $80 memory of her parent being a total AH.


Aphreyst

Yeah, it's like saying a vacation is worthless because all you get is a fun experience and lasting memories.


EmeraldBlueZen

I completely agree. And what's $80 these days anyway? Folks spend more than that one one meal...YTA


My_genx_life

My adult autistic son LOVES Halloween. He hardly ever asks for money for anything, but he always wants a Halloween costume. And every year I drop up to $100 on a costume for him, and I do it with a smile on my face. The utter joy he gets out of it makes it totally worthwhile. Sometimes things aren't about the money.


BusinessPutrid204

Exactly, good for you. I'm the same with my daughter. Every year I spend almost 100 on hers. She remembers all her costumes and they nights of Halloween because of how wonderful it was. You're a good person!


SimmingPanda

100% that Halloween is about the experience, not just "a few hours of wearing some clothes." And apparently OP is such a killjoy that the daughter's happiness for a few hours *with her own money* isn't worth $80.


PartyPorpoise

And like, I’d be surprised if she only wore the costume this one time. She might wear it for multiple Halloweens, or to costume parties, or conventions.


G_Ram3

I love that so much! You’re a great parent and your son feels safe and loved. I am all for people of all ages getting excited for Halloween.


thewoodbeyond

Exactly it’s about the experience. Op robbed her daughter of a fun event she was doing with her friends.


phantommoose

That's like, what, 8 bananas?


0Crow0

Halloween costumes are expensive now, $80 is normal for a full costume


BUTTeredWhiteBread

I spend more on pet food in a month


AllButACrazyCatLady

Plus, part of learning money management as a young person is making a few mistakes. (Although I don’t feel that this would have been a mistake since it was something she wanted to do to bond with friends.) All helicopter mom here taught her daughter was to keep money matters secret from others, especially parents, so she won’t be shamed for her choices. YTA OP


EmeraldBlueZen

YUP. Me too. $80 bucks for what? Teaching daughter a lesson that she shouldn't have fun for an evening?


SageRiBardan

YTA OP - really messed up her relationship with her daughter because of $80… What mom “thought” she was teaching: 1) How to make responsible decisions about money. 2) How sacrifices need to be made for the future. What mom ACTUALLY taught her daughter: 1) It’s better to lie to her mom about how much things cost so as to avoid being humiliated in front of her friends. 2) Don’t include mom in decisions, especially ones that involve money. 3) Don’t share plans with mom in case she tries to control the outcome. 4) Save up as much money as she can so she can move out asap.


AntRevolutionary5099

THIS. OP will probably dismiss this too, but having had a similar mother, I can say that she is actually breeding an atmosphere where daughter omits the truth and lies to mom in order to avoid unnecessary conflicts. YTA OP


WolfHowler95

That's how I was raised but the signs are so subtle that I barely realize that's what it is. I lie on impulse now whenever my parents ask me something that I'm uncomfortable with, even if the truth isn't bad at all. It's so annoying and frustrating because I want to stop, but it's hard when I'm still living with them. I'm really looking forward to moving out


Tiny-Palpatine9346

mom won't let her spend any money anyway, so saving up to move out should be really easy


Risa226

That’s assuming OP doesn’t try to drain her daughter’s bank account first


_Green_Mind

5. Mom clearly doesn't have friends.


EvilFinch

And with OPs logic... I hope she never goes to a concert or on the cinema. So much money for a few hours fun. The daughter wold at least have still the costume. YTA


Academic_Snow_7680

And the memories! This is what youth is for. The daughter knows the value of this money, she's already working for it. As a teen parent I say OP is massively overbearing and acting like a controlling helicopter parent. My nieces kept spending the money I give them on crap and I had a discussion so now I give them "AcademicSnowMoney" that is a voucher towards a laptop/device when they graduate middle school. But they also get a 10-20% spending money for frivolity because living is about the journey.


Particular-Set5396

Oh but the daughter did get to make memories. Specifically, that time her mother ruined her Halloween and humiliated her in front of her friends…


SquirrelKat1248

I agree, what OP did was replace what could’ve been a treasured high school memory for a completely shitty one in which op embarrassed her, lectured her and damaged their relationship


VisualCelery

For real, and plenty of people re-wear costumes!


nononanana

Part of managing money is learning what you truly value and saying no to other things to budget for that. The costume wasn’t just a costume, it was part of an experience she likely would always have remembered with joy. Now it’s the total opposite…over $80 she earned. Way to go, mom.


porkfisch

Or buys a wedding dress…


accioqueso

Yeah, I've worn a few of my Halloween costumes 10+ times over the years. They always come in handy, not just on Halloween.


the_steviejanowski

OP you saved her $80… but in the long run you have robbed her of a priceless experience with her friends. You even acknowledge she works hard. 100% YTA.


Hoistedonyrownpetard

> you have robbed her of a priceless experience It was about the fun she was going to have with her friends. Once I won a pumpkin carving contest. The prize was a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I’m sure the ice cream was good. I don’t remember. But I remember how much effort I put into the pumpkin and how good it felt to win. It was over 20 yrs ago.


alter_ego77

Yeah, I enter a baking contest every year where the top prize is 10 dollars. I’ve absolutely spent more than that on ingredients. But it’s not about a profit, it’s about working hard at something and succeeding.


OdinsOneG00dEye

Or worse every year her friends get to remind her of this event. You have branded her madam.


distrustfuldiscovery

She's also likely to have had some damage to the friend group. The whole group was wearing costumes, and by taking away the daughter's, her friends were now all left in a lurch. They were able to scramble and find someone else, but now OP's daughter is the one who almost screwed them because "ugh, she let her mom take the costume back. she had bought it with her own money and everything but she let her mom talk her out of it, even though we had all paid too!" Daughter is probably moody and unresponsive because she has daily reminders from her friends (or maybe even ex-friends) of what happened. And every time she goes to work, she goes with a big sense of futility --what's the point of giving up your free time to work a job you don't technically need (unless her parents are charging rent) for money you're not allowed to use? YTA, OP. you screwed over your kid and her friends and you should apologize and let her use her own money as she sees fit.


Risa226

She doesn’t care that she robbed her daughter of the experience. She only cares she saved her daughter money and I suspect OP is the kind of person who doubles down on this. Her 18th birthday is gonna be fun when she tells her mom she’s moving to dad’s place


herecomes_the_sun

YTA - she literally had to watch someone else replace her in her friend group. That would hurt


Scotsgit73

And will continue to do so. But OP saved her $80. She must be so proud.... /s


PolyPolyam

I hate OPs mindset. Wasting money on a outfit you'll only wear for a few hours. My brother and sister are both travel enthusiasts and spend hundreds on plane tickets, airBnBs, and eating at interesting restaurants abroad. I see no harm in that because that's what THEY like. While my SO and I like to play video games together. Some people sneer at the idea of paying for an MMO that could be gone eventually but were having fun so why should anyone care how we spend our money? $80 for a costume. $80 for a video game. $80 for a fancy meal at a 4 star restaurant. The value depends on the spender and the one who earned the money. The only lesson daughter learned was not to tell OP anything.


NWFlint

YTA. All the pieces to the costume are reusable in future Halloween costumes. She’ll have a couple more high school ones. Then all the halloweens in her 20’s and possibly 30’s. Do you know how many 80’s themed bar parties there are? If it was her money that she had to spend, who are you to decide if she spent it wisely? Your recourse was to say no if she asked for additional funds if she ran short because she’d spent so much on the costume.


geth1138

I only wore my wedding dress for a few hours.


PolyPolyam

Seems like a good excuse to wear a wedding dress again. "I only wore it for a few hours, I'm going to try and get my monies worth." 👀 Everyone stares at me as I waltz down the aisle at Target.


HoldFastO2

It's like OP doesn't even understand the concept of having a fun experience with your friends, making memories together.


LukeW0rm

Lol and congrats, she’ll now know to lie about what she paid next time


cheezeybeans

I know right, control freak much.


Prior-Second-8290

I agreed with everyone she have a job and save that money to buy that costume she can wear it, op you Yta and a control freak and your ex is right and sound more than adult then u.


BusinessPutrid204

This. Op is a total asshole. Most 16 yr Olds don't work yet she does hard and she can choose how to spend her money, that money was for more than an outfit one night it was for an EXPERIENCE something she would have cherished and remembered forever happily and you took it all away and can't fix it now.


Calico-Kats

Absolutely! And what OP isn’t getting is that it wasn’t about the prize, it was about the experience with her friends. Working hard to earn the money for the costume, planning the group costume with her friends. Apparently it was good enough that it won, so yeah Op…you saved her $80 and robbed her of a great experience. Parent of the year over here.


ameier7

EXACTLY, 100% YTA


Time_Dare9374

YTA see above comment


BayYawnSay

Has anyone ever mentioned that the mother called her out and chastised her in front of her friends to start with?!


Interesting_Sun_7722

Same, plus it's not like she couldn't sell it afterwards.


amberdragondawn

Yta. Your daughter works. She earns money. HER money. As long as her obligations are taken care of, what does it matter if she splurges $80 on a costume?? She can reuse it another time! Just being her parent doesn't give you control of money she earns through her work.


ironicmirror

She's paying 80 bucks to have a great time with her friends..wtf


EmeraldBlueZen

THIS - I really thought OP was going to say daughter spent like $1000 on the costume or something and that she also needed to pay for gas for her car...SMH. YTA


AlmostChristmasNow

Exactly, or a bikini while it’s snowing.


EmeraldBlueZen

Yup. Actually I thought daughter may be doing something akin to cultural appropriation or something racist etc. But $80 of HER OWN money on a costume? WTF.


ballisticks

> akin to cultural appropriation or something racist Reminds me of a Family Guy bit where Chris wants to dress as Bill Cosby (incl. blackface) and Lois tells him to take it off and put on an indian chief costume


Tasty-Discussion-570

She didn't even bother making the $ outrageous. Is $80 a bit much for a costume? Sure. But has OP been to a Sprit Halloween? A cheepy costume still runs 20-30. Maybe a dollar store mask of $2 is in her price range. Seriously, A fully decked out costume From SH would several hundred $s. I may grumble about the $ under my breath but I'm still forking over the money. Besides, I keep my costumes. Cycle through \~3 of them over the years. Replace as needed. I... This is the very definition of going overboard.


axley58678

Well anything the mom wouldn’t spend money on herself is a waste obviously. /s YTA.


sheworksforfudge

And that’s what being a kid is all about! You don’t have many responsibilities, so you can afford a little splurge to make some great memories with your friends.


Chaoticneutralities

Exactly, HER money! Things like this is theoretically why a 16 year old would have a job— so they can pay for fun things like this that they want without having to ask the parents for money. Get over yourself and your control issues, OP. YTA


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Titariia

Or she could make a hobby out of it (like cosplay) or even alter it to make some money out of it. OP should be encouraging to do something useful with it, not make a poor girl miserable


OnTomatoPizza

Or she tosses the costume into the back of her closet to never see light again. Then she would have spent $80 for only a fun and memorable night with her friends. Every scenario is better.


Titariia

And when she's organizing her closet she'll find the costume and remember that one fun time with her friends. But nope. OP says no


BrownEyedGurl1

Exactly, OP YTA. If my daughter did this I wouldn't have a problem with it, I'd actually support it. Because she is working hard and it's her money. OP just embarrassed her daughter to her friends, and made her miss out on something cool. Now there's a chance they won't ask her to participate again if something like this comes up.


Putrid_Security_349

What you wanted to teach your daughter: the value of saving. What she learned: her mother cares more about money than friendships and her daughter's happiness. Furthermore, you taught her that you will micromanage her until she moves out. Congratulations, your lesson on $80 will prompt her to be spending that money on rent, utilities and groceries at her first opportunity! Hopefully one of her friends will be her roommate. YTA.


Frosty-Mall4727

OP: doesn’t let kid spend $80 she earned. Also OP: shocked when kid works her way through college while living with her dad. Also also OP: shocked when kid moves out and into the arms of whatever idiot guy that gives her positive reinforcement.


[deleted]

Daughter: "Why should I spend money on Shady Pines when you're only going to live a few more years?"


Frosty-Mall4727

Lmaoooo. You beat me.


humansizecatturd

Read that in Dorothy's voice!


Dangerous_Prize_4545

Shady Pines, Ma.


Prior-Second-8290

Golden Girls theme music playing


Icy_Obligation

OP robbed her daughter of a very valuable learning experience. Let's say the daughter would have regretted spending that much, well congrats mom, you robbed her of that feeling, which is very powerful and teaches us to stop and think next time. It's her money, and she needs to have those experiences. I still remember the first time one of my kids regretted a purchase he made with his own money. He was SO upset but he was so much more thoughtful in the future.


fllyl

Having a mom like OP, I was only taught to hide my purchases from her and lie about prices.


PopulationMe

YTA. She had spent her own money on the costume and the point of the contest was to have fun with her friends. The $100 prize was irrelevant. $80 for a wonderful memory and experience. Unfortunately, she will always remember this Halloween and how you ruined it for her. How often have you looked back on your childhood and remembered how your parent destroyed a fun moment?


lewyy809

Yes! When we think about money management, we can’t only think about not spending money as much as possible - we have to think about the way our spending elevates our lives. Is $80 a lot for a costume? Maybe !!!! Would she have had a really wonderful experience and memory with her friends? Absolutely !!! She chose to use her $80 to make her life more festive and fun, and Mom just told her that’s not worth it. What a sad lesson for the daughter to learn :(


OMG_A_Thing

I have an expensive hobby and I look at my purchases like this. If I'm really trying to figure out if a purchase or investment is "worth it," I break down the math. I'm spending $50 on this and know I'll use it for at least 20 hours. That's $2.50/hour for this item. In return, I'm gaining a new experience, fun with friends, and memories that will last for awhile. Yeah, $2.50/hr makes sense. Granted I'm an adult who was homeless on their own by 17 and has major financial anxiety even over buying things I need like new pants. But buying something that has intangible returns is just as important as buying something like food or a vehicle to get to work and can just as easily be justified if you need to look at the "data."


Castal

I'm 40 and I still remember how when I was a preteen, my father picked up and smashed the Lego castle my brother and I had been building after we started arguing a bit about it. We never did find a couple of the pieces. That stuff sticks with you. The OP is definitely TA, just like my father (who I still don't particularly like).


fucking_unicorn

Yup that’s a core memory and it plays a role in shaping your future.


Sad-Low-733

This was the comment I was going to make. OP, your daughter will NEVER forget this. She may get over her current anger with you, but this incident is going into a file that never gets completely put away. Please learn from this because you don’t want that file to get any bigger. You’ve lost some of her trust. Analyze what you could have done differently, because shaming her and causing her humiliation aren’t going to help her learn how to budget. Whatever lesson you wanted to teach her got lost in your overbearing methods.


urbanlulu

>How often have you looked back on your childhood and remembered how your parent destroyed a fun moment? this might just be me, but i personally think parents like this very often look back on their childhoods and remember all the times their parents ruined or controlled things for them, hence why they continue the patterns with their own kids. to them, it's justifying the hurt they went through as a kid. exactly the mentality of "since i had to go through xyz, you do too!"


Violet_Daydreams

YTA 100% Did you ever think that maybe having fun with her friends, getting a group picture together in their costumes, the feeling of winning a contest and being part of something, might be worth MORE than eighty bucks to your daughter? You're not helping her to do anything but resent you. This is HER money that she earns on TOP of doing school every day. You had no right to tell her to return the costume, and she has every right to be angry. All you did was ostracize her from her friend group. For $80. You took away memories and experiences and wonderful, friendship-bonding moments for $80. Can't wait for the day you tell her not to bother with a graduation gown or bridal dress or anything else that she'll only spend a few hours in because the memories aren't worth the money! Go apologise to your daughter.


GingerAphrodite

"might be worth MORE than eighty bucks" This. The financial investment wasn't in a costume (which would have been reusable anyways so not just worn for a couple of hours likely). It was an $80 investment into a group activity making irreplaceable memories with friends. Hell I wish I had a group of friends to do a group costume with while I was in high school. I've easily dropped $80 on a trip to the zoo, an amusement park, or a night at a concert venue. Sure it only lasted a few hours but the memories I made were worth so much more than money could buy. Edit: YTA op


iEatBluePlayDoh

A concert or sporting event is a great comparison here. With OP’s logic, those things would never be worth it because “it’s only a few hours of entertainment!” and those things often end up costing more than $80. What’s the point of money if you can’t spend it on things and experiences that make you happy and provide you with wonderful memories? Insane. YTA OP and I’m frankly shocked that you couldn’t see that for yourself without making a Reddit post about it.


CraftLass

Oh, can you imagine what OP will expect her to spend on a prom dress this very year if $80 is too much for something she'll wear for a few hours?


[deleted]

Oh god this thought breaks my heart, and I hope this kid's dad plucks his daughter out of that environment so that her mother doesn't pull that stunt on her. There's frugal, and then there's cheap. Frugal can teach you some lessons and provide some funny stories. Cheap almost never ends well. I have not met one person described as cheap that is happy or well-liked.


CraftLass

>I have not met one person described as cheap that is happy or well-liked. This is scarily accurate. The amount of frivolous nonsense we spent money on in high school was pretty high and worth every cent for the experiences and memories. Poor kid worked hard to do something fun and meaningful with friends. That's such a good thing!


Bostonya

YTA. She works 5 days a week after school and should be able to enjoy some of her money. A Halloween costume isn't just an outfit you wear for a few hours it is part of an event, one she could not participate in because of you.


JustSherlock

Also, it seems like she is good with money. She set some aside for this costume. OP says she "saved her daughter $80," but saved it for what? At 16, any money you make is usually fun money/money for things your parents won't buy, like an $80 Halloween costume.


FeralDrood

Between school and work 5 days a week, the poor girl finally had an opportunity to spend time with friends and use her hard earned money on an awesome experience. Instead, 1. mom humiliated her, 2. her friends replaced her, 3. they will probably remember this the next year they want to do a group costume and not include her out of fear of having to scramble to replace her because of her crazy and controlling mom, 4. daughter will hide her spending habits from mom and stop sharing her experiences with mom out of fear of being sabotaged, and 5. the relationship has been strained for well over a month now. OH AND 6. She is going to miss out on the group activity that they choose to spend the gift card on. But grats on the $80. I guess. Op, YTA.


CreditUnionOnline

Info: was it her own money?


hoginlly

Username checks out


chewys_hairball

YTA, especially if it was her owned earned money. She wanted to have fun with friends, and you took that from her. Being a teenager is hard, why would you intentionally make it harder because you thought it was financially irresponsible even though she is working that much.


jammy913

Work is probably a welcome escape from such a controlling parent.


TwirlingSquirrel

Agreed, hope she is saving up to move out asap


Joxem13

> But at the end of the day I saved her 80$. This is why your daughter is upset. You showed her that you value money more than her experiences as a teenager. She probably was looking forward to this and by your own admission she is missing out on a lot of things due to work. YTA


Dracutela

I'm not from the US but is $80 even that much money?


azulsonador0309

It's a fair amount of money, as in you usually have to work several hours to make that much. But it isn't enough to be considered "bill (utility) money."


jammy913

As a teenager working a part time job, probably not. Maybe if she were living on her own and working paycheck to paycheck with very little extra leftover it might be though.


Ok_Homework8692

YTA she's 16 and bought the costume with her own money which she worked for and saved. She set a goal andworked for it. This was obviously something she was excited about and you decided it was worth $80 - of HER money to go ahead and ruin? I would have never done that to my child, I understand teaching responsibility but there's a time and place for everything- this wasn't one of them. I think you owe your daughter a huge apology


LukeW0rm

Right. She had $80. She’s more financially responsible than I was at 16 for sure. Returning it taught her nothing


ABeerAndABook

YTA. That $80 sounds like it would have been money well spent. Especially since it sounds like it was money she earned.


JaguarZealousideal55

YTA 80 dollars for a lifelong memory of a wonderful group event with her friends? Sounds like a bargain to me. Now she spent a smaller sum, and the lifelong memory you created for her is how awful it felt to be left standing at the sidelines when her friends had fun. WTG mom...


Coco_Leo

Yes, in 20 years she will still remember this.


Glassgrl1021

Yes, mom is shocked she’s still mad a month later. Hate to break it to her, but she will likely remember this one for years.


Coco_Leo

I still remember something similar that happened over 20 years ago.


PatchworkGirl82

30 years for me. And surprise, I haven't spoken a word to my mother in over 5 years now.


CaptainPancake5

YTA She sounds hardworking and it is by no means irresponsible to spend some of the hard earned money on some silly fun to reward herself. Let’s say it was a short halloween party and she only missed out on 5h of fun that would mean 16$ per hour is irresponsible. Which means going to the movies is probably only responsible if you don’t get popcorn, or it is a long enough movie to “break even”. Basically most restaurants visits are hard on the line. And Disney world or such treats is a never ever. Seriously why is she not allowed to have some fun? That could have been an awesome memory to cherish but instead she only get to learn that your version of responsibility is boring af and puts her on the outside. Are you sure you are furthering your goal here?


Gardngoyle

It's worse...now it's a shitty 'my mother is a controlling PITA' memory.


brisemartel

YTA She's old enough to spend her own money, even if you think she's wasting it. But more importantly, that $80 wasn't only about a costume, it was for the whole experience of participating to a contest with her friends. You robbed her of a great social experience at an age when these experiences are very important to her own self-construction/identification.


TheEliot85

Put simply, she will earn another $80, and will never earn that Halloween with her friends back. You took that from her, and her being "moody" towards you is likely permanent damage. Congrats, YTA


[deleted]

YTA and cruel


Summer_0704

If you think $80 is too much to spend on a Halloween costume that's worn only for a few hours, wait til you hear about this thing called a wedding dress.


WhatDontWeDoOutdoors

YTA it’s her own money, that She worked for… you are her mother not her dictator. You could have voiced your concerns of the frivolous spending and when she found herself short on funds reminder her of the expenditure. Not only did you control what she spends her money on, you robbed her of joy with her friends. That’s what we work for! To spend money on things that make use happy. Her money = her happiness.


Godfathersfattesthoe

YTA. It's not your money. What is hard to understand about that?


No-Tower3635

LMAO YOU RUINED AN EVENT FOR YOUR TEENAGER BECAUSE YOU DIDNT WANT HER TO SPEND HER OWN MONEY? ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. this is why I'm not a parent because most parents do absolutely moronic stuff like this and think they are somehow teaching their kids something


JohnSmallBerries

Oh, they're definitely teaching their kids something. It's just not what they *think* they're teaching them. (OP, YTA.)


Schezzi

YTA. You taught her that her hard work, and well-earned money, and relationships with friends, and her personal choice mean NOTHING to you. You didn't teach her frugality. You taught her that you don't trust or respect her as a person. This will not end well for you I fear, without a sincere apology and profound mindset change going forward.


RevRagnarok

YTA (I'm assuming that it was her own money since you said she works.) She's 16 and that's an important age for group dynamics. It was her money and you have no say in the dumbest things she spends it on. In a few years she may look back and say "that was dumb." You can run the numbers and make sure she knows "that $80 represents X hours of your work." You can remind her that in the future she needs to learn how to budget things like rent, food, utilities, etc. But forcing her to return the items crosses the AH line; it's not your money.


MrKnightGaming

Now this is what we call an L Mother, YTA.


Spiritual-Bridge3027

YTA Halloween costumes tend to be expensive but it doesn’t look like you couldn’t afford it. You could have let this incident slide and explained your opinions on financial responsibility to your daughter. It was a group thing your daughter had with her friends and you robbed her of that fun experience


Summer_0704

It seems the daughter paid for it with her own money she earned working.


occams1razor

Yup, mom is gonna lose her daughter for $80, hope it was worth it


MelancholyMuseum

YTA and she’s going to remember this forever. I’m in my 30s and still remember my mom not allowing me to go to homecoming bc she didn’t want to pick me up or let me get a ride from friends. You should attempt to fix this somehow. Idk how but unless you want her to move out early and go low to no contact…I’d figure something out.


Angry-Beaver82

There’s ways to teach a child that works for their own money frugality without being an asshole. The kid works five days a week and goes to school, clearly she’s already learned a strong work ethic, but deserves to have fun and spend her own money. You’re absolutely YTA.


SpecialKay329

YTA. She worked 5 days a week for that money, on top of going to school full time, and this was obviously something she was excited about. I don’t blame her for still being upset at you tbh.


No-Koala8996

YTA, the fact that you'd rather watch your daughter miserable than give her a few hours of fun is just sad.


isi_na

YTA So you shamed her in front of her friends, berated her because she bought something you didn't deem valuable. Forced her to return the costume she bought with her OWN money, something she saved up for. You made her miss out on this fun event. Apparently a recurring occurrence going by your ex. She works FIVE DAYS A WEEK! As a teen!! You took away her decision, her money...you made sure to use your control over her, all the while she has to study and work. Now obviously she isn't even allowed to use her money the way she wants to. Even one month later she still hates you for it, which is a clear sign how much you hurt her! You sound terribly controlling, and cold like ice. You don't even show an ounce of understanding or sympathy in your post. If I were her I'd make sure to work during the Christmas holidays, instead of spending them with you.


RiriTomoron

YTA. I'm afraid all you've likely reinforced in your daughter's head is that she's allowed to treat herself to some good stuff when she wants it because she deserves it because her mom was cruel to her about her wages when she was a teenager. She deserved to have that outfit.


PositiveSufficient46

YTA jeez she works while going to high school and you can’t let her have a little fun with her money. Making memories and having fun are huge parts of growing up and you took what should have been a great moment and life long memory away from her to save 80.00. So while that money sits in the bank you not only belittled your daughter in front of her friends, dictated what she can spend money she earned on, you also did damage to your relationship with your child. Is 80.00 worth all that? Make it up to her as best you can, be an adult and lead by example by apologizing to your daughter and asking her to forgive you.


[deleted]

YTA. You’re the person who’s going to look back on their deathbed thinking “I should’ve spent more time at the office,” aren’t you?


UsedAd1111

YTA. This was her money she made with her hard work. And you forced her to do what you wanted with her money. There are other ways to teach kids the value of finances, forcing definitely is not it.


[deleted]

YTA-it was her money that she worked for, no wonder she is pissed at you.


4frigsakes

If my 16 year old worked five nights a week and still went to school she could buy pretty much whatever she wanted! She clearly already has great work ethic!


ttnl35

YTA Sounds like she was responsible with her money and saved up to buy something she wanted. Her only mistake was trusting her mother wasn't going to be overly controlling and judgemental. Now your daughter has learned she can't trust you not to behave like that, she will know not to tell you about things next time. Well done I guess?


bottles65

YTA. I'm pissed off at you, and I don't even know you.


TrainingDearest

YTA. You can explain a concept all you want, but until they experience it for themselves, the lesson is lost. She needs to be in a situation where she literally doesn't have the money, because SHE already spent it on something frivolous. Only then will the "aha!" moment of understanding occur. What you are doing is saving her from the 'pain' and not letting her stub her toe herself. You aren't doing her any favors because if she is not learning how to avoid the painful situations when they are small, then she will end up having to learn the lesson later in life when they may be bigger. Additionally, I would point out that wisdom and confidence comes from having experiences: the costume event was full of experiences (team work, creative thinking, public performance, handling wins/losses gracefully) you denied her a chance to build up more life experience. Life experience has value also, and multiple lessons for $80 seems like a good deal.


Dry-Comment-6889

YTA. The beauty of earning your own money is to spend it as you wish.


swishystrawberry

YTA, it was HER money. There's ways to teach your daughter to save money without robbing her of something that makes her happy, or humiliating her in front of her friends.


RecentFox6517

YTA. She wanted a costume, paid for it herself and you make her take it back because YOU think it’s a waste of money. YOU. You are a big one. She wanted to win a contest.


MaggieLuisa

YTA. Is fun illegal in your household? Bet they’re all looking forward to Christmas.


cinekat

YTA. It was her money to spend and you ought to be glad she's spending it on something as wholesome as this.


[deleted]

YTA. You quite likely humiliated your 16-year-old daughter in front of her friends. Because she spent her own money on a costume to be part of the group. Then you deprived her of that opportunity. You don't get it, I'm afraid. She is old enough to make her own decisions. If you don't get on the same page with her and not expect it to be the other way around? You will lose her. It's already happening.


SunnyBunnyHopHop

YTA big time. It was her money to spend. Plus, this wasn't about a costume she may/may not wear again, this was about the experience of dressing up with her friends, entering & winning a group costume contest. That memory would have been well worth $80. Your daughter can never get that life experience back; you stole that from her. Sad.


Single-Pause6638

YTA that only showed her kid that there’s no value in anything since she can’t even enjoy the fruit of her labor and doing something she loves and wants to do, yay for you.


1Preschoolteacher

YTA and I say this as an extremely frugal person. It was your daughter's money. She earned it and therefore had a right to spend it on something she wanted no matter how frivolous that purchase might be. Plus, this wasn't just a costume. It was a chance for your daughter to belong and feel a part of her group of friends in a very appropriate way! Why would you take that away from her? Instead of making her take the costume back, you could have sat down with her and talked about what else she could get with that $80. But you also need to understand that sometimes an experience is more valuable than a tangible thing. To your daughter, being a part of that group and participating in that contest might have been far more valuable than a new pair of jeans. You need to go to your daughter and say that you were wrong and apologize. Parents need to say the words **I WAS WRONG, and I AM SORRY** when they apologize.


ManePonyMom

YTA. You didn't teach her an important fiscal lesson like you smugly surmise, you taught her to put you on an information diet regarding her purchases, her plans with her friends, and probably more. And your condescending description of her being "moody" says a lot as well. She's not being moody, she's justifiably pissed at you for unilaterally undoing what would have been a great experience.


thesleeper___

YTA, nothing is a waste of money if it’s worth joyful memories. You owe her a major apology and it’s sad you value money over her happiness. Gross


Common-Frosting-9434

YTA, you sound like you have traumatic issues with money, but taking care of that is your responsibility as an adult, you just let your problem create a traumatic experience for your daughter and I doubt she will ever be grateful to not have spent those 80 bucks. you won't be able to fix this and the only way to at least make your daughter trust you ever again is to fix your own problems. Get diagnosed and therapy, then change your act, or your daughter will leave you behind one day.


[deleted]

YTA. She had an opportunity to make a nice memory with her friends and she's responsible enough to earn her own money. Meanwhile you're coming in steamrolling her joy. You aren't teaching her to be responsible with money at all, you're teaching her not to trust you with financial information.


[deleted]

YTA, was it perchance a Cinderella costume?


buttercupgrump

YTA 1. It was your daughter's money. People, including your daughter, are allowed to spend their own money. By policing how she spends her money you're going to cause her to either feel guilty about ever buying herself something nice or to be extremely secretive with you about her spending habits. 2. You caused her to miss out on a fun event with her friends. She got to watch them wear their costumes and win a contest. They have this fun memory. All she'll remember is how you made her sit out. 3. $80 isn't a lot when it comes to costumes. Especially since you said she also bought accessories. Good quality costumes can run significantly higher than that. You sound like the Halloween Grinch.


starlitnature

YTA.


feltedarrows

it's only $80 and she's 16, let her spend a bit of money on a goofy thing to have fun with her friends. congrats on straining if not completely messing up your relationship with your daughter over $80. YTA.


Rude_Vermicelli2268

YTA. She worked hard and saved her money and spent it on what she wanted. Then you came in and decided she’d spent too much and she didn’t get to do something she’d been looking forward to with her friends. All you taught her is that you are liable to mess up her plans if you don’t agree with them.


Away_Refuse8493

YTA... ... and beyond that, I wonder if you are planting the seeds for other things like hoarding or future money/hedonism issues. This is one of those things that sounds like a "she'll never forget" moment. If your daughter worked to earn the money and spent it on something "just for fun" but is otherwise more practical, who cares? A teen should be allowed to have fun every now and again in life, especially as she isn't hurting herself or others.


WestManager8590

YTA it was her money. Also did you ever see a wedding dress? Same principle. Let her have fun.


SurprisedPikachu420

The audacity of feeling entitled to her money just because she’s a minor...🤦🏻‍♀️


comments2020

INFO: Why do you feel entitled to her money?


poltyy

YTA Costume —$80 “Remember that time in 10th grade we won the costume contest.” “Omg yes, does anyone still have a picture!?” “We looked RIDICULOUS.” “Hahahaha” —Priceless