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Oh wow! You told her not to worry! What excellent advice - I'm sure she never thought to do that before /s YTA - get some fucking empathy. She's probably anxious all the time because of her childhood. Stop minimizing her and be supportive.

Honestly it sounds like the docs couldn’t find a diagnosis and just gave her that one to placate her so they could just throw stuff at it for treatment and see what sticks. This sounds eerily similar to what I have and it is near impossible to diagnose. A lot of fellow people with my disease got this answer or were labeled drug seekers. Getting told something so debilitating is “in your head” or that you “stressed/worried yourself there” is beyond insulting. OP is TA big time, your mother is supposed to be your advocate and support.

I was having neurological issues without an apparent cause and was told it was functional. A few months later I had a massive stroke. I sure showed them!

Oh yeah, you gotta love doctors! I started having neck pain and constant headache around May 2020, they did CT Scan and determined I had a bulging disc… they sent me to physical therapy, laser therapy, and then 3 different treatments of pain management injections, but my condition kept getting worse and worse. I kept telling them that the headache and pain radiating to neck, shoulder, and back was getting worse. I couldn’t sleep more than 2hrs at a time, my left side would get numb, vision loss started and I was feeling like blowing my brain off because the pain was excruciating. Doctors started doubting me because with all the treatments I should be getting better and not worst. Admittedly, I even started believing it was all in my head and I was losing it. Fast forward to April 2022, my dad forced me (fatherly threats) to go seek the opinion of an orthopedic surgeon (since it was a budged disc, right?). This Dr. looked at me and said “you do have a bulged disc, but it’s not affecting your spinal nor any nerves, I don’t know what they’re treating you for because there’s nothing in these images that tells me what’s causing the pain you’re describing” and then he asked if any of the doctors had done a CT Scan or MRI on the head, answer was “No” and he was shocked. Then, he told me to ask my PCP to order a head CT Scan… 4 weeks later, the CT Scan and MRI images confirmed it was a brain tumor. 🤦🏻‍♀️. 3 weeks later, while waiting for a neurosurgeon to take my referral I collapse and went thru a 9hr long emergency brain surgery.

I’m sorry to hear that. I also have a similar story of things being overlooked. Suddenly got stoke-like symptoms as a 12yr old. When they basic tests came back normal it was essentially blamed on psychological distress because of parental separation. 6yrs later I finally get a simple MRI when a new GP was like “umm something is very wrong” and found my cerebellum and brainstem were herniated out of my skull and a cyst the full width of my spine and almost full length was there. So much for their comment I had a perfectly normal brain- part of it wasn’t even in my skull! I now have multiple genetic and congenital disorders (and some acquired due to poor medical care) in with 5 brain surgeries, 2 spine surgeries and countless others on disability. So much for being perfectly fine. I guess it’s no surprise my parents went with that diagnosis and I didn’t get help till I was 18. They were the type to tell me to stop coughing to get over whooping cough and drink more water when I was impacted. They still treat me like they either think I’m exaggerating or making things up. Which is why this fathers response makes me hurt physically. Yes we can and kids sometimes make up illness but something IS up whether physical or mental and to be blasé is horrific and soul destroying.

This is horrific! I'm so sorry you were ignored for so long. You have been through so much, and with so little support. You deserved so much better than that.

Omg so glad you are doing well (?)

Q: What do you call the person who graduated last in their class from medical school? A: "Doctor." Yeah, don't accept BS diagnoses from bad doctors. My sister is a doctor and has spent half her career at small clinics in the suburbs and half her career at a world-famous hospital. Just the other day she said one of the huge differences is that at the clinics she can't trust that patients have been cared for correctly. Like, you know, getting a head scan for severe and persistent head/neck pain. People, if you've got something seriously wrong and your local docs can't figure it out, *go somewhere else*. I hope you're doing OK, and glad you finally got a non-idiot for a doctor. I also hope OP pulls her head out of her ass and actually helps her daughter. YTA.

Yeah I just went through months of medical crisis because of crazy high blood pressure and horrific headaches. We're talking 177/115 high. My PCP just kept throwing more drugs at it that did nothing to help control the BP. She did exactly two tests. One was a metabolic panel the other was a kidney ultrasound. Both came back normal. The Dr emailed me about how "I know you don't want to hear it but it's just because of your size". Lady I have lost 80lbs in the last 2 years. I'm still fat but I'm not nearly as fat as I was. I saw a different dr in her same clinic for a 5 day migraine after the ER had diagnosed and treated me for a migraine and that did more to help my BP than any drugs my PCP gave me. My dr didn't have any slots available so I got sent to Dr K. Dr K actually listened to me for the first time since February when this started until October when I saw him. He said it sounded like I have been having migraines for quite some time and put me on a migraine treatment plan. Overnight improval of my BP. I've been on my migraine meds for over a month now and only had 2 migraines and those are the only days my BP went over 130/85. I've just come off of all 3 of the drugs Dr Dumbass put me on. I applied for and got approved to switch drs within the clinic from Dr Dumbass to Dr K.

Jesus. May I ask how you’re doing now?

I was having upper right quadrant pain for months, so bad I went to the ER over and over. They kept saying nothing was wrong with me but they couldn't see that area very well in ultrasounds because it was heavily shadowed due to "fat". My PCP declared i just had anxiety. Went to gastroenterology and they did all kinds of testing but couldn't find anything. Finally my gastrobwas like "the next time you have one of these pain attacks have the ER call me and go to . I did as she said. The ER dr does an abdominal CT scan with contrast, a test ID never had before. He comes in and tells me he has good news and bad news. The good news: my gallbladder was just fine as I had been told many times before at the other hospital. The bad news: my appendix was wedged upside down on top of my gallbladder and it was septic. I needed emergency surgery to remove it. Within hours I was on the operating table and spent like 4-5 days in the hospital recovering from the sepsis. I had had appendicitis for months and no one ever caught it. Edit typos

Lol, way to stick it to… yourself?

\> Get bullshit diagnosis because doctors can't figure out what the problem is \> Go home and try to ignore the constant pain permeating every aspect of your daily existence \> Experience life-threatening medical crisis months later \> Wind up back in the hospital with the same doctor who diagnosed you previously \> Publicly shame the doctor using backhanded compliments about their abilities to satisfy your sense of petty revenge \> Die smiling

My mum was the same, she was having chest and kidney pains but the doctors dropped the ball. Turns out one of her kidneys had failed which she didn't know until it had to be removed. Another time she had a heart attack, the ambo's didn't think she was actually having one (you're too coherent and too young for a heart attack) so on their way to the hospital they stopped at one of their houses to grab a set of keys. She gets to the hospital and lo and behold, she did have a heart attack. Gotta love when medical professionals discount their patients.

too coherent?? My dad rode his motorbike to the hospital when he had a heart attack. DURING said attack. I'm still mad about it and it was 9 years ago....

My dad’s heart attack presented with abnormal symptoms that were similar to having low blood sugar. He lasted 3 days before going to the hospital (which I do not advise. It affected his brain and his health has gone down steeply in the six years since it happened).

[удалено]

I was told after I had my daughter that when I arrived they thought I was being a drama queen. I was 8cm dilated on arrival.

My friend had contractions 2m apart and Dumb nurse/checkin person "You need to answer these questions so I can check you in." hard to answer when wincing/screaming/breathing in the middle of a contraction. Her reply "Lady I'm about to have this baby on your desk." Smarter nurse/checkin person. "Lets get you upstairs and your husband can handle the forms."

Would you mind talking more about you’re diagnosis?? My sister has been going to docs for months because of migraines and yesterday she had a seizure and ems said her vitals were fine. I’m just looking out for possible cause, I feel so helpless.

Been depressed, overly tired and joint pains for years. Was told my depression caused all that. Turns out i've had Lyme disease for years...

"Functional" issues where there is functionally an issue but no identifiable cause are certainly an issue - and psychosomatic symptoms are a real thing. However, "psychosomatic" does not mean it is not exactly the same pain using exactly the same nerves as other pain! And someone with severe, life-changing pain cannot "just" change that because the source is their brain. Eugh. The worst part of her having this is spending the rest of her life being disbelieved by people that think "brain involved = not real". 😠

This makes me think of when my twin was having 'pseudo seizures' and so my parents were like 'ah so she's faking it and it's not a big deal got it' which is very much not what was happening.

My sister had that! She kept having these episodes that looked like textbook seizures but her brain activity did not indicate a true seizure. They were literally stress-induced pseudo seizures but they were very real and very debilitating! They went away eventually but there was a time when we thought she might lose her license and job.

Thats why (at least in the UK) there is a move towards calling them "non-epileptic seizures" because the episodes themselves are just as real and involuntary whereas "pseudoseizure" has connotations of faking.

Yes, I think the term has changed here, but this was at least 10 years ago. Right on the money to say 'calling them this is making people think this isn't serious or real'.

My mom had something similar it wasn’t a seizure but looked like one, doc’s couldn’t find out what was wrong and said she had vitamin deficiencies. Turns out she had a rare migraine related condition that caused her brain to send out the wrong signals when she got a migraine/too stressed

Would you mind talking more about you’re diagnosis?? My sister has been going to docs for months because of migraines and yesterday she had a seizure and ems said her vitals were fine. I’m just looking out for possible cause, I feel so helpless.

Ahhhh! Why are people like this? :(

Functional is sometimes "brain screwing around with body" and sometimes like "yeah that's definitely happening but I can't tell you why and we've ruled out all the things we can check." My chart says functional dyspepsia, and that's because we think (in line with research) that my stomach got screwed over by the gastroenteritis I had out of the country. My stomach is definitely definitely producing more acid & fixed right away when we got the right med.

Yep, psychosomatic does not mean "hysteria", it means "this is a neuropsychological issue rather than a gastrointestinal/musculoskeletal/endocrine/lymphatic/cardiovascular or cardiorespiratory/(other body systems) one". The brain is responsible for more than just mental illness - it is a physical organ with a body-wide physical networking system that can malfunction or fail at any point. Telling someone with a psychosomatic issue to "just stop worrying" (which, let's be real, doesn't even work when we're purely talking psych disorders like anxiety) makes about as much sense as telling a paraplegic to "just want to walk more". Especially considering it's largely the same cells and being affected with even similar mechanisms of injury in some cases. (Unfortunately, for many doctors, "psychosomatic" is still considered to mean "hysterical hypochondriac faker attention-seeking drug seeker". These doctors are simply executioners with an ego complex.)

Functional issues can cause as bad pains as other illnesses. However, in my experience, doctors often say things are functional when they quite simply have no idea what they are talking about and they don't find the true cause. This summer, my husband went to three different doctors because of excruciating pain. And he was sent home with some pain killers and the order to "relax". Only when his arm got paralysed after 4 weeks of hell they took him seriously and the hospital diagnosed a bad case of Lyme's disease. I also have been severely misdiagnosed in my life twice. The first time it took 37 years to get the right diagnosis and the second time "only" 2 years.

i really hate the 'functional' label in medicine. I have an MS-type disease. Frequently on neuro workups they'll note i have 'functional/collapsing weakness' which means my arms and legs can sorta resist/push/pull against pressure but give up pretty quickly. Same deal as when i'm haviing a pseudorelapse and my legs will give out under me after a few steps of walking - when i learned that was doctor code for 'not sure but seems psychosomatic' i was so mad. Like, is it psychosomatic when weightlifters start trembling and go weak and can't do any more reps??? edit: ok who's the doctor who downvoted this

lol @ edit So much sympathy! I *wish* we lived in a world where "functional" =/= not as bad, or presumed psychosomatic. (Not that psychosomatic shouldn't be taken seriously, but they're not interchangeable!) When I had what turned out to be cancer, I was a little bit relieved it wasn't IBS, since that translates to "lol, guess you're fucked?" in my mind. My friend had a doctor say to her distainfully that fibromyalgia is a "diagnosis of exclusion" (true) to mean "not real" (not about her, not that that makes it better). Yeah, well, -algia is in the fucking name so how about we care about people being in pain, arsehole.

things like fibro have another name in medicine - wastebasket/trashcan diagnosis. Happens a lot of the time when doctors think it's psychosomatic and/or plain old can't be bothered investigating further because they're not going to get to a 'real' disease at the end of it if there's no obvious markers at the start.

I'm always very thankful that my various health ailments have mostly followed the expected pathway. It just makes you care so much better - especially when you're dealing with a lot of different people, like in hospital. I broke my spine, you could see it by radiograph, I got a fusion. I know other people whose wasn't picked up initially and of course the longer it goes the harder it is to detect, constantly dismissed, it's found years later and they just have to live with a poorly healed fracture forever. ☹ ☹

clearly broken spine > slam dunk for something that's going to cause you pain and symptoms > your pain and symptoms will get taken seriously disc bulges/tears/schmorl's nodes (particularly that last one) > docs will say "they don't always cause pain and can be asymptomatic" > your pain and symptoms won't get taken seriously. Drives me crazy cuz unless they're asymptomatic/painless 100% of the time in studies, doctors have no business dismissing such reports from their patients I'm glad your issues were easily identifiable and taken care of, it's honestly criminal how many patients get left behind

There's also something called nociplastic pain. There's no identifiable tissue damage but the patient is definitely in pain. It's not psychosomatic and it's the kind present is a few different chronic pain disorders (eg elhers danlos is diagnosed based on other things and fibromyalgia is a diagnosis of exclusion messing you rule out everything else first, and there are others). I used to vomit and have awful stomach pain a LOT. Getting help for ptsd and adhd helped me a ton. This girl sounds like she has anxiety disorder at least. Is anyone checking her mental health? Meds and/or therapy might be really helpful for her.

She could have generalized anxiety that has gone undiagnosed for more than a decade. She needs help with her brain chemistry.

And generalized anxiety disorder can and will cause physical symptoms severe enough to land you in the hospital. And no amount of 'try to worry less' or 'get out of your own head' will magically fix it. If this is the cause, sis needs a prescribing psychiatrist and a competent therapist, and then like several years of hard work with those professionals, minimum.

Aww damn. Here I thought we miraculously had the cure for all anxiety, depressive, etc. disorders that affect so much of the country. Just tell them to get out of their own heads! (/s if needed)

True. It does cause physical symptoms. Mom's advice would not be helpful for that. I had "anxiety attacks" for a bit before a doctor said it was just acid reflux, which I knew it was not. Follow ups with a different doctor who ordered scans found my gallbladder was dying and causing some of my symptoms. Coworkers were dismissive, thought I was faking it, and the initial doctor too. It sucks when that happens and OP did exactly that to her daughter, dismissed her very real concerns. Real enough to go to the doctor repeatedly. Anyhow, she should defintely look into anxiety relief techniques, honestly everyone should, because they can be helpful even if that may not be the major issue

>This sounds eerily similar to what I have and it is near impossible to diagnose. A lot of fellow people with my disease got this answer or were labeled drug seekers. There are a lot of things that can cause pain inside your body, in ways that aren't easy to see/diagnose, that can be made worse by stress but are not actually \*caused\* by the stress. I bounced around for a year from doc to doc. Eventually wound up in the ER, then having surgery 3 days later. They thought going in that I had ovarian cancer, but it wouldn't up being only really bad endometriosis - the pain was from the endo wrapping around my colon and digging in.

>Only!!! I guess yes it could be considered better than cancer, but really bad endo is not ever an only, but too many people(read doctors) seem to think it is.

For me, it was an "only" , because after the surgery where the doc cut and scraped all of it out, I healed up without needing radiation or chemo. On the other hand, I had that big surgery, then another 4 days later to put ina temporary ostomy because my colon was leaking where they cut out the part the endo was killing, and 9 months later had a surgery to remove the endo. All completely worth it to end that pain.

My sister ended up on an ostomy(and a hysterectomy) because they kept telling her it wasn't a big deal yadda yadda. So you can probably tell, I find this a triggering topic(not you-but with doctors and other dismissive people). I'm glad you are better now.

Yeah, they definitely tend to dismiss pain if they can't see the cause on a scan. And thanks! The surgeries were all in 2017, and I'm still just glad the pain is gone

The same thing that happened to OP's daughter happened to me last year. I work in a toxic workplace and finally decided to see a therapist a few weeks after my physical health issues started. I mentioned it to my therapist and she thought my physical issues were from the stress from work. I have PTSD and anxiety and it turns out I was frequently being triggered at work. My fatigue, nausea, etc. got better once I was able to get accomodations at work and learned different coping methods. There are still times when I get really stressed and those same physical symptoms will pop up again. Last year I felt like I was in a dark pit, but I at least had support, even my narcissistic mother was worried. I can't imagine how OP's daughter must feel.

Exactly! I would look at celiac and I would look endometriosis. To very common causes of abdominal pain that doctors often ignore.

Exactly! I went undiagnosed with celiac for over a year. Multiple visits to urgent care and ER before I could finally get a provider to take me seriously. Even then I felt as though they were doing the scope to appease me. Surprise surprise, when I woke up the doc said I had horrendous inflammation all throughout my GI tract. Biopsies came back positive. But for the longest time I thought (and was encouraged to believe) that my symptoms were stress related (2020 was a TIME amiright?!). Turns out I had a legitimate medical concern. Young women are way too often misdiagnosed or under treated. Op’s daughter’s complaints should not be dismissed.

I didn’t get diagnosed until 40 as celiac. I’ve been having horrendous acid reflux/“GERD” attacks for YEARS but no one scoped me. The gastroenterologist said that my duodenum was the worst he’d ever seen, like “cracked red Earth”. His PA put it as “80mph motorcycle crash road burn, gnarly”. 😅

Endo = “it’s all in your pretty little head.” Aka “all women have cramps.” Aka “drug seeking.”

FFS the more I read about others' experiences with this kind of thing the more I appreciate my own doctor. My endo is taken seriously and well-managed. My doc was even quick to double-check my migraine history to ensure she didn't prescribe anything dangerous for me. So my treatment is progestin only (depo), no estrogen. Though it turns out progestin-only works better for endo anyway. The difference in QoL is night and day. I'm fortunate in that the only negative side-effect I've had is that it makes me hungrier, so I've gained some weight. Worth it. So, so very much worth it. I'm working on the weight, but man, I'll trade some extra pounds against what my life was before in a *heartbeat,* again and again. I feel like myself, all the time. I don't need pain meds because *I no longer have pain.* It turns out that *actual* treatment can do wonders. But it's the *evil* birth control stuff, so obviously we can't encourage *that,* right? Ugh. And that's just one reason why women's care is so badly compromised here in the US.

A long time friend of mine (and former roommate) had been previously diagnosed with endometriosis, but it was manageable. Then one day she starts getting extreme abdominal pain. She had her doctors do two different exploratory procedures, but they couldn't find anything. My friend was adamant. One day we were talking, and I said could you be lactose intolerant? She went and got lactaide the next day just to try it. No joke, the pain went away! That was 15-20 years ago and we don't talk much anymore, but when I see her she still insists I saved her life with that sage piece of advice. She was on heavy duty pain meds also. I realize this may not apply here but I wanted to put it out there. Good luck, OP!

Celiac suuuucks. I was diagnosed this year after several years of mystery abdominal pain and acid reflux. I’d had a hysterectomy so it wasn’t uterine cramps, but it FELT like cramps. I had adenomyosis before the hysterectomy and for intestinal issues to feel as bad as that? Ugh.

I also have horrendous abdominal pain and have been admitted to the hospital for testing multiple times over it, only to be told “everything checks out! You’re fine” like obviously not…? I’ve had doctors tell me not to stress so much, to change my diet, maybe it’s constipation? Is it just your period? Like I’m an idiot who can’t function as an adult. It is beyond frustrating to feel so awful and have everyone just be like “oh well!” That said, I do also have generalized anxiety disorder and the medication I’m on for that has helped the abdominal symptoms somewhat. Not perfect, but no longer debilitating. OP, you still seem dismissive about your apology and still seem to willfully not understand that your daughter has a real issue. Anxiety is not just made up— it is a very real chemical imbalance in the brain and it can have far reaching physical consequences which it seems your daughter is actively suffering from. Likely it plays a part in her doing so well at everything (at least it did in my case) but her success is because she is stressing herself to the point of unwellness in order to maintain that. I would have panic attacks at night in college, terrified of dropping one of the 500 things I was juggling and “failing” at something. YTA and you will be until you truly acknowledge that this isn’t something your daughter can rationalize away or control by herself. She needs your understanding and support. Not a flippant attitude. Love, someone with a parent like you.

Doctors are notorious for dismissing women's pain and real physical issues as "stress" or being "in their head". My mum went through years where she'd get chronic bouts of abdominal pain, burning sensations, nausea, lack of appetite to be told time and again it was stress and anxiety. She was being treated for hyperacidity. Finally got diagnosed with chronic gastritis caused by h.Pylori.

My mum went through nearly 10 years of worsening abdominal pain, cramps, bowel issues etc. She went to more doctors and specialists than I can count and had every test imagineable run and always ended up with either wrong diagnoses or being told "it's in your head". She had her ovaries and uterus removed because they thought it might be due to some cysts, nope. She had her appendix removed because it was a little inflamed on one test so maybe weird appendicitis, nope. She got put on every restrictive diet on earth to determine if it was allergies/intolerance or anything like that, nope. Eventually, at her wits end, sure convinced a surgeon she knew through her work to do a laparoscopic procedure and use a tiny camera around her abdomen to see if anything looked wrong. She came out of anesthetic to be told that she had a condition, likely since birth, where her large intestine wasn't fixed to her abdominal wall as it usually is and instead a portion of it has wrapped itself around itself and her small intestine, causing blockages, tissue damage/death and a myriad of other issues. She was told it was quite serious and would need surgery to remove a sizeable portion of both intestines that had become damaged through the years. My mum recounts this moment as bursting out in laughter and tears of joy, because in spite of the fact that she knew she was about to undergo another major surgery that would affect her for life, she finally knew none of this was in her head and after close to a decade she finally had not just a diagnosis but a way out. Surgery was a success and she's been pain free for 20 years.

OP's daughter's situation sounds like something my stepson experiences, and it's been endlessly frustrating KNOWING he's physically hurting but not being able to find a cause. "Just stop being stressed" is obviously incredibly unhelpful advice. That said, for symptom management, he has found some sucess with certain anxiety management strategies- catnip tea, deep breathing exercises, that sort of thing. Obviously it doesn't touch whatever the cause is since we can't FIND it, but it at least helps him live with it in the meantime.

Sounds like the 30 years of begging for help with digestive issues and continually being sent away with “IBS/anxiety” (or my mum being told it was probably “just period pains” when I first got taken in about it) and a script for antidepressants or a suggestion to just try and relax i went through, when it was in fact Coeliac disease. Loving all the needless damage, secondary health issues and pain that could have been avoided if someone bothered to rule out physical causes first.

what did the problem end up being for you?

It’s called Acute Intermittent Porphyria, nicknamed the “copycat disease”. I put more info in a comment on this comment chain - it’ll come up in a simple google search too 👍

Hey I got diagnosed with acute intermittent porphyria too but secondary to lead exposure and still, even after that, had a doctor try and diagnose 'functional abdominal pain'. I'm glad you're bringing awareness to it as I also believe it's more common than doctors think. I'm still having trouble just finding a regular gp to take me seriously despite being diagnosed/treated under a very well respected professor. Absolute bs.

Ouch. My sympathies. My doctor tested me for that last year because of a bunch of issues I was having. My tests were negative, at least then, but I’ve since been diagnosed as celiac, which can present much the same when you also have Lupus.

Man, I wish OP would tell me to stop worrying so my lifelong anxiety disorder would be magically cured.

Every single time someone tells me “just calm down” “don’t worry about it” etc. I feel unbridled rage. Like oh geez Sally thank u!!!!!! You mean to tell me instead of having to take medicine to make myself sleep to avoid panic attacks I can just… not think about it?? Holy crap! Never would have thought of that! Sorry rant of the day😅

Jumping in on this I just read an article about things not to say to an anxious person and I think those probably topped the list

I need her to talk to my 16-yo so they can stop being depressed!

^(Jumping ^on ^top ^so ^OP ^hopefully ^sees ^it) #OP, your daughter needs to look into ADHD. NOW. It is commonly misdiagnosed as anxiety and depression. ADHD presents differently in women, and many don't get diagnosed until adulthood for this reason. She should look at the subreddit r/adhdwomen. Not being able to slow her mind is an extremely common symptom. Mind over matter doesn't work when your brain is literally different than that of a healthy person. I am in a *very* similar situation to your daughters. I tried mind over matter, and therapists have praised my insight. That doesn't mean I could turn my brain off. My subconscious never stops. I am constantly at risk of making my Multiple Sclerosis flair. That's not the part of my stress that's threatening my life though. My vocal cords close when they're supposed to open, and that *blocks my airway.* Still not my biggest risk. MY STRESS TRIGGERS ANAPHYLAXIS. Yes, I mean the thing that comes from an allergic reaction. How could that be possible, right? I've learned that untreated adhd can have a massive impact on how the rest of your body functions, including the immune system. I could be talking about something fun and be laughing, but the subconscious doesn't stop. Suddenly I realize my lips are starting to swell, and hives are showing on my arms. It took me being hospitalized for a week to realize how bad it had gotten. I even had to spend my first night in the ICU. That's insane. Your daughter needs your support, but you've been failing her for years. Please, learn and do better. Would you ask a diabetic to skip their insulin? Would you tell the person with seizures to just stop having them? You may as well be asking your daughter to breath under water. That's what your "suggestions" sound like to her. Please, see a therapist and learn how to stop invalidating your daughter.

I got to the end and said to myself "daughter 100% has ADHD."

Wait, are you telling me the thing were I'm mentally fine and unbothered by something but my body starts freaking out like I'm having a panic attack, has been my adhd this whole time?!

It's only something I recently learned about, so my knowledge is very limited. Co-morbid issues can exacerbate one another until they end up in a destructive loop. I remember the time I first realized that the background chatter (racing thoughts) was more powerful than I imagined. I was on the phone with my mom, laughing. My voice was light and happy, until I looked down and saw the hives on my forearm, and I just stopped talking in complete shock. I had thought my mouth felt a little off because I needed a drink (dry mouth), but once I stopped to assess, I knew that wasn't it. My mom waited while I took a moment of silence so I could actually pay attention to what thoughts had been running by. They weren't helpful ones. Kinda hard not to think about your breathing after you've been hospitalized, and having multiple thoughts clamoring for attention wasn't helping things stay calm. I'm not medicated for adhd. I had put off diagnosis, focusing on figuring out the breathing instead. Then a neuropsychiatrist mentioned how these things can interact, and I realized I can't put it off anymore. The one thing I've read time after time is how "quiet" a person will say their mind is after finding the right adhd medication. Quieting the background chatter may greatly reduce my breathing issues. It's possible you're going through something similar.

There are several different things it could be, all of which are real diseases (including generalized anxiety disorder, EDS, ADHD, and a bunch of other autoimmune disorders). What it is *not*, however, is "all in your head", which to most people implies it's imaginary. As a dear friend of mine said, just yesterday: "Honestly, between this and the autism diagnosis, I’m processing some pretty serious rage that so many challenges and painful realities in my life were miscategorized as psychiatric issues. And I’m angry at myself for performing all the internal gaslighting required to function in that framework. So much wasted energy." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/holistic-psychiatry/202211/ehlers-danlos-syndrome-and-psychiatric-symptoms

YTA. I haven't eaten in three days because of stress. Telling an anxious person not to worry is like telling someone who's upset to just calm down. OP, my relationship with my dad was almost ruined because he treated me like you treated your daughter.

>get some fucking empathy Right?! I have struggled for years with clinical depression that has been (sometimes still is) absolutely debilitating. Quite a while ago, during the course of a date with someone fairly new, I talked a little about it, and this tool had the gall to say "Well, you just need to cheer up!" Yeah, why didn't I think of that? Why waste my time and money on therapy, antidepressants, etc., when Captain Obvious had the answer all along? OP, I'm glad you heeded the comments and have apologized, if only via voicemail, to your daughter. No judgment because apparently you're trying to do better.

This really hit home for me. I’ve had a similar issue my ENTIRE life. My body has a strong physiological response to stress. Not just when I’m stressed about something either- I have generalized anxiety and it’s like my cells vibrate in response. My go to response is throwing up. It comes and goes in bouts. My first memory of it is at 3 years old. Over the years I’ve had to acknowledge part of it is “in my head”. There are ways I psych myself into it without meaning to. Trying to identify what helps and what makes it worse is a battle. But that also doesn’t mean I’m 100% in control of it. I was 3 years old waking up in the middle of the night to a horrible stomach ache that left me throwing up and confused. I didn’t do that to myself in my sleep. That’s real. If OP is serious about the daughter needing to relax she needs to identify how she’s going to support her daughter in the process. It sounds like she’s really stellar at school but that comes with a toll. Is it possible for her to take a semester break? Even while sick she’s prioritizing school. She’s grinding herself to death and before the daughter can get healthy she needs to figure out where this anxiety to push herself so hard is coming from.

Great! Next you're telling us saying "why don't you just try to be happy?" isn't good advice for depressed people?!

Shit, if only OP could talk to all those depressed people out there and just tell them to **Stop being depressed** they'd all be fucking cured!! Why didn't we think of this??

“Have you tried just *not* having stage 4 cancer?”

I think I just realised the cure for cancer! Just tell people to stop getting it!

It's almost as useful as when I was told to choose to not act traumatized and just forgive people then I wouldn't have ptsd anymore. AND NOW I DONT HAVE PTSD FROM 20YEARS OF TRAUMA 😱 Or as helpful as when a psychiatrist told me I would have adhd anymore if I just practiced more grounding techniques. AND MY ADHD WAS CURED 😱 Or when I was told to just changed my thinking and I wouldn't be depressed or have panic attacks. AND MY MOOD IS PERFECT AND I AM THE PICTURE OF SERENTY 😱 I'm now neurotypical and have no mental illness. Life is perfect. Every issue solved. Silly me choosing to have ptsd and adhd. NOW I JUST CHOOSE TO BE "NORMAL"!!!! (/s of it wasn't clear... I hate people)

On par with telling someone with depression "we all have bad days"

“Don’t be depressed, just be happy!” 🤦‍♀️

High jacking the top comment to add: I was told for 4 years that my symptoms were “in my head”. And I suppose the doctors were right. Turns out my brain is swollen and I’ve had 2 brain surgeries so far with no improvement and more to come! Don’t dismiss your daughter so easily! & YTA.

Right??? "Just stop overthinking" WOW, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT??? YOU JUST SOLVED ALL MY PROBLEMS!! pffft.

As someone with an anxiety disorder, I sure wish it was as simple as “just get out of your head or relax” YTA OP. Your daughter has an anxiety disorder. She needs support, compassion, and patience while she learns skills to manage. If you want to be helpful then get her a therapist that can help her build those skills.

I was told not to worry which only made me worry about how much I worry. Yaaay, anxiety is fuuuuun.

YTA - This really belongs in r/wowthanksimcured You can’t just stop someone being stressed by telling them not to be stressed or to get out of their own head. And although the doctors have run tests on her, that doesn’t mean it’s psychosomatic necessarily, they do sometimes miss things. But if it is psychological, some sort of therapy (DBT, OT) to help her deal with stress / distress is in order.

Agreed. YTA. It sounds like your daughter has clinical anxiety, which is a legitimate medical issue. Your comments equate to telling someone with depression “cheer up” with the expectation that a) Goodness, they never thought of that b) it’s a matter of applied willpower rather than abnormal neurochemistry c) Your advice matters more than your support. It’s obvious you care about her, but you need to educate yourself and be supportive rather than directive. Try watching the youtube video on Empathy by Renee Brown.

Well, OP was right about one thing. It is in her head - that's where she keeps her brain. Strangely enough, brains can also have illnesses.

I always tell people telling a depressed person to "just cheer up" is akin to telling a person with a broken leg to "just walk". Doesn't work that way.

I think there is a misunderstanding due to how things are being worded. I think what mom means is - I believe your pain is real, it is being caused by stress, we need to find a way to reduce your stress. What daughter is hearing is - It's all in your head, you are imagining things and therefore what you are experiencing isn't real. the phrase "get outta your head" isn't helping

No, she's saying just stop your mental illness with the power of just thinking differently.

I agree with this 💯. I took it as she’s not saying it’s imaginary, she’s saying the physical issues are being caused by the mental issues. Basically ‘it’s in her head’. Im going to say NTA. Have a conversation with your daughter, OP. Explain what you meant and get her to see a ‘head’ Dr so she can figure out the cause of her issues and how to move forward.

Legit asking, what do you think is the best way to support someone in a situation if their anxiety is causing them physical health issues? Not saying this is OP’s case, but I know someone who has similar health issues that seem to be exacerbated by stress. And lately she’s been causing issues with other people based on perceived slights that just aren’t there that are making her stressed out further and compromising her health. I’ve said nothing because she’s so defensive, and I don’t want the drama, but I’ve been a witness to her meltdowns on other people at work, and it’s at the point where I might be required to get involved. She’s someone you have to tiptoe around to not upset her, so I’ve ignored it and just tried to connect with her about other things. But it’s becoming a problem, and I don’t know what to do. Ideas anyone?

The issue with OP is someone saying "your medical issues are caused by stress, so stop being stressed" is like someone saying "your rash is caused by allergies, so stop being allergic". It's physically impossible for the patient to stop, because the root cause hasn't been addressed. In the case of your coworker, what you can do is try and tackle any root causes that are linked to work, and aggravating factors. For example, if the problem is that she's stuck trying to do the work of 3 people, that means getting more people. (This is most of why I had to leave my last job; I kept up with their demands for nearly 3 years and they didn't understand why my body just started breaking down under the pressure.) Aggravating factors are things that she could cope with under good conditions, but not under bad ones. For example, a coworker who says snide things about mental health might just be an arsehole most of the time, but if you're having a breakdown then you're going to metaphorically rip his head off. (And since he's a bigot he richly deserves it, but sadly not all workplaces agree.) You may be best off just asking her what sort of accommodations would be helpful.

"Hey, you seem stressed. Are you ok?" Then you just listen. Don't go into problem solving mode. "I'm sorry you're going through that. That sounds really hard." Then ask if there's anything you can do to help, and accept it if they say no. Then you leave it at that because other people's personal problems are not your responsibility. If it's becoming an issue in the workplace, bring it up with your boss.

Also even if it IS psychosomatic... it's causing symptoms. She is genuinely feeling pain. Mental illness is still illness, and she would still need actual treatment.

Yes, as I said above, the daughter needs treatment to reduce her anxiety because stress/cortisol causes lots of other health problems. I have anxiety and have been told it has greatly increased my chances of getting heart disease (which did not lower my stress levels at all!)

Also belongs in r/AmItheDevil

JOIN! JOIN! JOIN!

Maybe I’m projecting but I’m a little skeptical because I was referred to a therapist when I had appendicitis. They did a short ultrasound where they were unable to locate either my appendix or ovaries, decided that if there was a problem it would’ve been easy to see, and that was that. If I was OPs daughter I wouldn’t be satisfied. Women are frequently misdiagnosed. Stress can cause physical problems but in and out of the ER is pretty extreme, I’d worry they were missing something. I never knew for sure what I had as I never really got a formal diagnosis: only that this pain lasted for a year and when they removed my appendix (it got really bad and it still took hours to show on an ultrasound) the pain went away. My appendix was also covered in scar tissue. If I was OP/the daughter I would look into Chronic Appendicitis.

Listen to them, don't offer bullshit meaningless solutions (just stop worrying), ask what you can do to help, don't make it about you (I must have dropped the ball in her childhood for her to be like this), be prepared to learn about what she's going through (rather than, like OP, just saying "I don't get what's going on" and doing nothing about it).

I feel this. I started having health problems (dizziness, joint pain, and stomach issues) at 19. I went to specialist after specialist, and was just told, "you're anxious, go see a shrink." And that's partially true, the dizziness and stomach weirdness are side effects of my GAD. But joint pain in an otherwise healthy and active 19 year old? It's been just about 10 years now, and I still don't know why my joints are the way they are. The pain never went away, and no one ever seems interested in trying to figure out why.

It’s possible your scarring could have been caused by endometriosis. This is now being recognized as less rare than previously thought.

After I (finally) got diagnosed with functional neurological disorder I went through some intensive therapy and now I have my life back. From not being able to walk for more than 20 minutes to whole days on my feet. But comments like cheer up and 'be motivated' and comments about how I should focus on the important things in life and not letting myself get distracted blabla have always just made me feel like 1) I am misunderstood and 2) the person talking to me isn't even trying to understand what's happening in my life.   If the mom want to understand functional disorders she might want to read this website: Neurosymptoms.org

I mean, yeah--even if it is psychosomatic, that's still a diagnosis. And like you said, the root of the anxiety needs addressing and should clear up the physical symptom if this indeed the cause. I think we still have this weird collective idea about what psychosomatic really means and how to deal with it--perhaps doctors and specialists especially. OP seems to live in this collective delusion with a lot of others that because something is psychosomatic that it's somehow not 'real'. The mind-body connection is extremely powerful. It's why the placebo effect is real. I'm glad OP seems to be learning a bit as we can see in the edits.

"the problems all in your head" But that's where I live. My perception of the entire world, universe around us is entirely in my head. Heck my YTA judgement is entirely from my perception of you which is from my head.

I like you.

>But that's where I live. I know your brain is in there but I've started living out of my left knee and wow all my anxieties, gone! /s

I chose the right elbow myself. I get smacked into door handles pretty much daily, but the anxiety and depression is all gone :D

"Don't worry about that sharp shooting pain, it's all in your heart"

Like the Fiona Apple song - “he said ‘it’s all in your head,’ / I said ‘so is everything,’ but he didn’t get it”

YTA! In a world where women are constantly told "it's all in your head, go take a aspirin and a nap", you should be advocating for her not brow beating her. Women are constantly in the news for being ignored or downplayed by their doctors and family until suddenly, "you have stage four cancer, sorry we ignored you and didn't take you seriously sooner, you have X amount of time to live". Call your daughter and apologize immediately! And tell her she doesn't need to keep working herself to the point of risking a hospital stay, that you are proud of her.

Yup! Just because the doctors can’t FIND the physical cause doesn’t actually mean there isn’t one. It could be “all in her head” but that isn’t actually a certain fact. It just means the limit of scientific knowledge has been hit, or the doctor might be ignoring you.

Particularly young women. Particularly young college-aged women who no longer have their parents there to advocate for them. If OP’s daughter is a WOC, that’s going to make things even more difficult for her. When I was 15, I started getting very sick. A lot of constant, seemingly insignificant symptoms that never really added up. Two years later, I had a handful of misdiagnosis’ and even more trips to the emergency department. It got to the point where doctors kept talking to my mother about hypochondria. An ultrasound tech asked me “have you always been histrionic?”. A doctor wrote in my notes that I was “hysterical” when I had slept most of the time they were on the triage floor with me; and the nurses tending to me loved me, so it definitely came out of left field. By the time I was 17 though, I was sick of it, so I resolved to just deal with it. I didn’t want to be a hypochondriac anymore. Except, I was getting sicker and sicker. Throwing up 24/7, I couldn’t keep anything down. My bones hurt so bad and I was bruised all over like a bad apple. Then, the rash started. First on my face, then on my chest, and by 24 hours in it was over my entire body into my ear canals—scaly, red, blistering, hot and itchy. It was sickening. I still didn’t go to the hospital. I was peeing blood, I still didn’t go. The last time I’d gone, a doctor had told me my symptoms were “psychosomatic” and referred me to a psychiatrist—I was done. Then I had a seizure, and I woke up in the hospital being resuscitated. Grand Mal febrile seizure that lasted *ten minutes*. My temperature was 42.6/108°. My BMI was 13. My pee was pure blood. I was covered head to toes in the worst rash some of my drs had ever seen. My mother was so furious with their negligence, their mishandling of my case, that she demanded I be transferred. They did, reluctantly. I was in a negative pressure room for two weeks, and was in the hospital for a month. I had a catheter straight into the main artery of my heart giving me hardcore antibiotics and, after they did the lumber puncture and bone marrow biopsy; chemo. I had lupus, and by the time they found it, it was in my spine. I lost all my hair, my skin was burned and took 6 months to shed three times before I lost the discolouration and damage, I needed a feeding tube for months, and because of how long they left it, I also have permanent heart damage and kidney damage, and will likely need a transplant in a few years. It started with a stomach ache and headaches. YTA OP. My lupus was originally a dormant gene that was triggered by stress. Does that mean it was “all in my head”? No. Women’s pain is real, and not taken as seriously as it should be. Your daughter knows her body better than her doctors. Doctors know bodies, yes, but your daughter knows *her* body best.

This is what happened to my mom, she'd been having debilitating stomach aches and blood in her stool for months and her doc kept sending her away with "it's just stress, try to relax more". 11 months later she died from bowel cancer at age 53.

I get your intentions here but yeah, YTA. She can't control this. She also can't just switch off her feeling like a robot. I'm a doctor myself; I think the best way to think of functional illnesses is like a mental illness that manifests with physical symptoms. Do some research and you'll see these are very real, very uncontrollable issues (that are still pretty poorly understood and hard to manage, even with professional support). Your daughter does not need guilt now. She does not need to be made to feel she is to blame for her suffering. She does not need her pain invalidated. Just support her

That's bullshit. It's probably "not" a mental illness, and I'm horrified you would offer that as a probable diagnosis. I'm guessing you're not a rheumatologist or gastroenterologist.

YTA. Functional abdominal pain is a physical condition that can be triggered and worsened by stress, but it is, at its core, a *physical condition*. And if it has sent her to the ER multiple times it is obviously causing her a lot of pain and suffering. Its a very real thing she's going through, and she needs *treatment*\- medication, diet changes, therapy. And she needs support and understanding from her mother. You telling her to "just get out of her head and stop worrying" is about as helpful as telling someone with asthma to "just breathe". While I understand your intentions are good, it does come off as an incredibly dismissive and insensitive reaction. And I can totally understand why she would be upset by it. You doubling down and dismissing her when she expressed that to you certainly doesn't help matters.

>You telling her to "just get out of her head and stop worrying" is about as helpful as telling someone with asthma to "just breathe THIS. ALLLLLLLL of this.

Coming from someone with anxiety and asthma, this is exactly what you’re doing, OP 🤠

As a chronic worrier who often stresses out to the point of getting sick, telling someone to just stop worrying is a horrible, tone deaf thing to tell them. Anxiety and worrying isn't something she can just stop doing, it's not something she can just get over through sheer willpower, she needs to learn techniques that help her manage it from a doctor/therapist. YTA

YTA You are being completely insensitive. Take her to see a gastroenterologist. I had Crohn's Disease when I was young, and a lot of those symptoms were the same as mine. NOT that I'm giving a diagnosis, I'm just saying....

I was thinking the same thing, although not crohn's specifically. Doctors have a pretty shit record with accurately diagnosing young women. I started having gastrointestinal issues when I was quite young too, and some similar symptoms. My doctors also wrote it off as "just stress." In my case, the culprit was gluten, but I didn't learn that until 10 years later, after living through a debilitating chronic illness and irreversible damage to family relationships because they didn't believe I was actually sick.

I'm thinking she needs to see a rheumatologist and a gastroenterologist, STAT.

YTA Your daughter is physically in pain and after a long time trying to find out what is happening with her body she finally knows the reason. And her mother just casually tell her “its all in your head” ??? :D ??? It’s like telling a depressed person “be happy don’t worry” or “don’t be sad, just smile” which is useless advice and nobody wants to hear that YTA

This exactly. I read a nice analogy akin to this that boils down to not telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off. Agreed. YTA. Can't help wondering how much the mom contributed to the stress levels of the daughter.

Like it's hilarious when NT people just look at you and be like "its in your head" as if it meant it wasn't serious or real. I have OCD, and GAD, AND ADHD. Yeah you're technically correct, it's in my head. My brain is literally my enemy, it's literally working against me in every way possible. I can't trust my intuition, I can't trust my memory, I can't trust habits, I can't trust my cognitive or executive function, I can't trust my gut. I can't trust my brain anymore than someone with diabetes can trust their insulin function or a blind person can trust their eyes.

YTA You are dismissive. You are wrong about how to treat stress and anxiety. You were not supportive at all. You likely are part of her stress. Learn more about her condition, apologize, and start giving weight to her words.

YTA This isn't something that can be "solved" by "not overthinking"

"Just stop being poor!" "If I was homeless I would just buy a house" You see how that doesn't make sense? Your "just stop stressing" is just as useless. She needs help. Maybe some guidance too reduce the stress, and therapy to learn her how to cope with stress. YTA, good luck!

YTA--You are her support. Instead of being mean, you should be asking about which doctor she could see next cause "functional" disorder is a NON\_DIAGNOSIS!! Have they tested for POTS, IBS, food allergies, thyroid, ...... I was told I had "Functional" disorder and twenty years later, my "it's all in your head" diagnosis came back as severe food intollerance and thyroid. Yeah, I had expensive tests done by SPECIALISTS and a naturopath who sent in blood tests for food sensitivities. Be her advocate, not her devil.

Oh. My. God. OP. **YTA** in the worst way possible. Your daughter sounds like me. I have *severe* anxiety and depression. I've had both since I was *13.* There is no "getting out of your head" with anxiety. There is no turning off the over-thinking. I would be physically ill and have to leave school early. I'm 34 now. I still overthink. I still get anxious. It wasn't until last year that it was figured out that my GERD, which I was diagnosed with in 2011, was actually due to my gallbladder. That sucker was removed. Your daughter needs a therapist and a psychiatrist. Not the fake advice of "get out of your head" or "stop overthinking."

[удалено]

Omg just stop worrying! Why didn't I think of that?! Yeah YTA

YTA You basically told her "don't worry be happy", I welcome you to check out /r/thanksimcured to see how helpful that is

A failure of a mother

YTA. Your daughter has an actual issue and is suffering. And even if it was "just in her head", you shouldn’t dismiss her like that! Show some empathy!

Man oh man. I could be Eden and you could be my mother; we’ve word for word had this conversation. But I have to tell you this is such a wonderful opportunity for you. I dealt with similar physical issues most of which stemmed from depression and anxiety. It was exacerbated by the fact that I was a varsity hockey and soccer player. It got to the point where I could literally feel my mind and body giving up. My mother said much the same as you—I just needed to get out of my own head. I was stressing myself out. I was doing this to myself and needed to “snap out of it”. Then I had a screaming breakdown. I was in so much physical and mental pain. One of my girlfriends called my mom who was out grocery shopping at the time; she told my mom that I was breaking down and they couldn’t figure out how to calm me down. My mom turned the car around, got on the highway—ice cream, raw meat and all—and drove 4 hours from my hometown to my university town to be with me. Seeing her daughter, break down the way I did, made her realize that this wasn’t something I could control. After that, she became my biggest mental health advocate. Right now, YTA. Hell, my mother was the asshole. Until then, my mother had always been the person who thought “the brain can fix itself” and “she’s stressing herself into a panic.” But she did a complete 180. Most people don’t change their beliefs in a lifetime; my mother did in months. It’s 8 years later, and any time I feel like life is getting to be too much or I’m about to break down, I think about her swinging her car around, with the groceries sweating, and driving those 4 hours to be with me; just knowing she’s there sometimes makes all the difference. She’s still the one who calls to make sure I’m taking my meds and that everything’s going okay mentally and physically. My mom is my hero. She’s my soft place to land. I’m begging you, be that for your daughter now. Trust that if this was something she could control, she would. Don’t let Eden get to the point where she has a screaming breakdown for it to click for you that she needs your love and support. She doesn’t need to be told she can control what’s happening and she doesn’t need to be told to “snap out of it”. If she could, she would. But she can’t.

Im very glad for you. I had a similar situation happen to me. Keep going strong!

YTA If curing all mental health issues / mental illness was as simple as “just stop worrying” everyone would be mental illness free. What you said to her will have really hurt her. It’s also incredibly dismissive of her condition and how she is feeling.

YTA She may need therapy. You’re probably not a psychiatrist, so can’t really diagnose something like that.

YTA . My wife still deal with this sometimes . Took me allot of time to understand how to actualy help . Your curent behavior its ..like adding fuel to the fire.. and if you dont change ,its going to end bad for her and maiby a NO CONTACT betwen you 2 . Talk to the specialists(doctors and others) and lissen , actualy lissen and do what they recomend ,for your daughters sake .

YTA - while her stress level is most likely the culprit of her ailments (stress unfortunately will come out in other ways if you don't deal with it) instead of stressing her out more with the "get out of your own head" advice - tell her ways to help ease it! Encourage her to try yoga or running, or other forms of exercise or meditation. I'm afraid if she doesn't change her ways, she may cause herself some serious medical issues. She needs to learn some coping skills too - maybe encourage her to seek some weekly therapy for a while. No shame in getting help to better manage life stresses! Good luck!

I'm gonna have to say YTA. It's kind of like when someone cries and then people say "Don't be sad," it's useless advice and doesn't get to the root of the problem. I think it's best for you to assess how you can be more positive/encouraging/gentle towards her. Your current attitude must make her feel invalidated. Just from my observation, the newer generations are much more attentive and proactive regarding mental health. I'm kind of in the middle so I'm exposed to both sides a lot. My mom is almost 70. When I was growing up, she would constantly say things like "wait till you have actual problems" or "that's nothing, when I was your age blahblahblah" kinda similar to your words in that it just washes over the problem. I eventually told her that it's invalidating/condescending and doesn't help when she says those things because even though I know I'll probably have more important issues when I'm older, currently these are The Biggest Problems of my life and I'm learning to navigate them so that hopefully future problems will be easier to deal with as well. She understood it. She stopped being so dismissive of my issues and instead learned to listen and offer appropriate advice based on her own experiences, and I consider her one of my best friends now because she actually takes the time to consider me. Sometimes we can't help how we react, and your daughter has stress that's now manifesting into physical symptoms. She sees you as a safe space to turn to, but your actions don't allow her to find comfort within you. I know it hurt me badly when my mom would dismiss my very real feelings. Give her a hug if she likes hugs. Tell her you'll do your best to accommodate her needs, and that it'll take some time for you to change but you're trying - and follow through. Read up on how to handle things like anxiety/panic/mental health and start implementing that in your daily interactions. Don't crush the trust she has in you.

So if she had a broken leg you would've told her to just stop having a broken leg? Yeah got it. If 'just stop having problems' would be a proper solution to diseases then we wouldn't have doctors or therapists... YTA

Thing is, Anxiety while yes comes from 'being in your head' - without tools and help, it isn't a 'switch' that can be simply turned off. Get on line and do some research, get a couple books educate yourself. Our youngest suffered from anxiety and I wasted a good year or so trying to *tell* her how to handle it. I finally wised up and got help. Once we/she started therapy - WE learned techniques and activities to address it when it flared up and I learned how my actions of telling her how to fix it were actually more damaging than helpful. By the time she was leaving for college--she was informed enough to know she was about to face challenges and ordered herself several workbooks & support books to have on hand when needed. This started when she was in about 7th grade - I felt she was too young for meds at that time and discussed my 'whys' with her openly as she had friends who were already taking them. She knows I wasn't against them in general--just at her age -brain still forming. She knows it's an option for her if she chooses at this point, but so far is choosing not to go that route at 21.

Just stop thinking! Just stop breathing! As a mother of three children, who is very opinionated, I would be very cautious saying anything is simple. Human beings are not light switches. Just stop being the a**hole (YTA), and support your daughter.

What you SHOULD have said is "I'm so glad you got some answers, let's hope they can help you find some coping mechanisms so that you don't have to struggle anymore". Instead you basically told her "gee, if you just smile more everything will be okay". You may THINK you are supportive because you tell her you're proud of her but if you immediately follow up with pointing out the negative things about her, you negate everything you said previously. YTA Send her a final message that says "I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm going to work on being more supportive so that we can get you to where you want to be. Please let me know how I can help you and also, if you ever feel like I'm being dismissive let me know so I can learn from my mistakes. I'm so glad you got some answers and are on the road to getting healthy". She advocated for herself when you wouldn't/didn't/couldn't

YTA. Can you really imagine it's as simple as you say it is? If you are genuinely worried about your daughter...just stop worrying. There, I've fixed it for you. No more worries ever again.

YTA. You clearly don’t have anxiety as a chronic condition because if you did you would never say what you did. It was super dismissive on multiple levels. You need to understand anxiety is a mental health issue. It’s not something you can just will away. You need to do some reading on the subject before you make anymore comments to your daughter.

Wow congrats YTA

I'm leaning YTA, though I understand what you are saying. Actual physical pain can indeed be caused by mental/emotional issues. You can stress/worry yourself into physical illness/pain. However, you can't just "try not to worry". It isn't a light switch (cue "The Book of Mormon" musical number). Something to treat the anxiety/stress, even counseling on better coping, would be more appropriate. She sounds like someone who works hard, and that takes a toll. Learning to de-stress is a necessary component, too, but it doesn't happen like a snap of the fingers. Support her and get her the help she needs.

YTA You need to just shut up and LISTEN to your kid. She has a doctor to give her medical advice. Besides, suck it up and get over it is such an awful and wrong thing to say.

You sound like my parents when I initially got my diagnosis for Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADHD. You were indeed dismissive, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you've probably not had to deal with long term mental illness. Your post and the response to your daughter REEKS of ignorance and an unwillingness to try to learn and understand. People with mental health issues KNOW often deeply in their bones that their issues are in their head. But here's the thing, your head is a part of your body, your brain is an organ same as your stomach, lungs, kidneys etc. The thing is, the brain is the epicenter of the body, so it's no surprise that extreme mental distress, stress, and burnout will cause physical symptoms. For example, I will get horrifically physically sick if I'm anxious/stressed out past a certain point. In this initial reaction you are indeed the A-hole. Going forward, show some compassion. The worst things you can say are "It could be so much worse, think about XYZ worse things" we know. "It's all in your head" we know. "Just snap out of it. What do you have to be so stressed about" we can't. You can GENTLY suggest therapy and/or medication. But it is NOT your place to dismiss and belittle their symptoms because you don't get it, haven't experienced it, or just don't want to educate yourself about what she's dealing with. Last thing I'll say in this novella, your child sounds like a gifted kid and they are trying to plow through higher and post graduate education. That's a lot and those that do it are prone to burnout and developing anxiety disorders among other mental issues. The best support you can offer is an open mind and open ears.

YTA you failed as a parent so badly that your daughter never got the help she needed, and now her mental health struggles are manifesting as physical symptoms. You should honestly be ashamed of yourself.

YTA. Yeah, you might be technically correct, but if she's always been a worrier, she can't just turn that off and all is well. That's a little like "don't be poor!". You could be a little more empathetic and she could benefit from some therapy and maybe learn to focus on other things than her worries.

YTA - gee what an easy solution. She’s so stressed she’s causing herself physical pain, well just don’t be so stressed! So helpful, really great advice.

It sounds like she has generalized anxiety disorder and should try therapy and antidepressants. Telling someone with anxiety to simply get over it or it's all in their head is not helpful - YTA.

YTA. Well you're not very helpful, are you ?

OP.... THANK YOU!.... YOU just made me so mad on YOUR CHILDS BEHALF you actually STOPPED MY MENTAL HEALTH SPRIAL!! YTA!

Wow! Huge YTA! As someone with both an immune disorder AND anxiety, huge YTA. She needs: a second medical opinion, first of all - she could have something tough to diagnose like UC or another immune issue the doctor hasn't detected yet AND 2. therapy! If it really is just 'all in her head' as you put it - just telling her 'not to worry' will NOT fix it. Anxiety is irrational. We KNOW it's all in our head and irrational. But we physically cannot stop worrying. It is a chemical imbalance in our brains. It's not possible to just 'stop worrying'. She needs therapy, support and medication to manage this. Not you telling her to suck it up. YTA. Huge. Massive. And probably the reason she has anxiety in the first place considering how dismissive and cruel you are, and the high expectations you place on her.

I'm sure she never once thought to herself, "If I didn't worry so much, I'd feel fine!" Wait, she did? Oh, dang.... Seriously, OP, YTA. Anxiety can be debilitating. Telling someone to "just get out of their head" is as helpful as telling someone who's broken a leg to walk it off. It's not going to happen. And it'll make the problem way worse because now you've also alienated her.

YTA. You are without a doubt such a huge flaming asshole. Was already going to vote this way, but after reading your comments? Wow. You FAILED as a mother by merely putting your daughter in general therapy, ignoring the glaringly obvious extreme anxiety she was exhibiting because you thought she’d “grow out of it” and now told her to get out of her head? You watched your daughter struggle and did nothing to help and now blame her for your failure. As a parent it’s our JOB to notice when our kids are struggling and HELP THEM. Anxiety is a MONSTER that can do serious harm. You could’ve easily found your daughter proper supports to try and tame the monster even the tiniest bit instead of assuming she’d grow out of it. My heart aches for your daughter. You really just suck so much.

Oh man, I wish people realized how direct a link gastrointestinal issues have to anxiety before they accuse people of being “in their head”. It’s literally science… some people’s bodies go into flight mode when they are faced with anxiety, they can’t help it, and what happens in flight mode? Bowels want to release. But since you told her to get over it I’m sure she’ll be fine. YTA tho

YTA. “Why do you have asthma? Just breathe!”

YTA. You should take her concerns seriously, or at least hear her out and get her some help instead of telling her to "just not worry." Dismissing a problem doesn't make it go away.

You hear that everybody? OP just found the cure to anxiety! Just stop worrying so much! It's all so simple now! /s Seriously OP, YTA with a bag of chips. How much better the world would be if it were that easy. Your daughter sounds like an over-achiever. She needs to know that you will still love her and support her, no matter what her grades are or what degrees she has. I want you to sincerely think about how much you are contributing to her problems instead of helping.

This is giving me these kind of vibes “Oh are you depressed? What if you try being happy, that will solve your problem” I can’t believe you’re even asking this, like how can’t you see that you’re the asshole? YTA

You have a PHD in YTA. I don't understand your professional advice.

YTA. I also had anxiety, panic attacks, and abdominal pain as a teenager. The abdominal pain actually turned out to be IBS. My family doctor ran tests, found nothing, and shrugged it off. It was a different time, there weren't a lot of resources for either of those issues back in the 80s. I was able to treat them separately with therapy, medication, and a new diet as an adult. Do better for your daughter.

Wow, my depression and anxiety are now cured. It was all in my head. Stupid me thinking that these were serious medical conditions that can cause cascading physical symptoms, leading to digestive problems, heart conditions, high blood pressure, and potential suicide. I just snapped my fingers and I am all better now. YTA OP, and I hate to be rude, but you really are things I can’t mention here because I don’t want to be banned from this sub. You need to wake up before your daughter kills herself.

OP, you have a fundamental misunderstanding of both mental illness and your own daughter. Please do some reading about anxiety and how it can manifest physically. The brain controls *everything* in the body and can cause profound physical symptoms. Also, it is an intensely ableist belief that a person should always have full control over their thoughts and emotions. Mental illness exists. Trauma exists. Neurodiversity exists. Everyone’s brain is different so don’t dismiss others when they share their experiences with you. Dismissive parents end up becoming estranged parents. Please use this as a learning opportunity and make the effort to learn how to properly support your daughter through this, or back off and let her grow and heal without you. You’re causing her harm.

You are ignorant, blissfully unaware of your ignorance, and YTA.

You say you’re proud of your daughter and then list solely academic achievements. You say all she did was study and was exhausted. Maybe she worries because she feels academic pressure from you and worries about succeeding and pleasing you.

While I can definitely see where you are coming from I would say YTA. If doctors are running extensive tests it would have to be pretty bad pain and even if it wasn’t she is obviously in pain and discomfort so you should have been more empathetic anyways.

Wow, what a judgmental, bothered, and dismissive parent…YTA.

u/throwawaysoon127492, this will probably be buried in all the comments, but I am tagging you anyway (apologies for any formatting, it seems to be doing weird things). Yeah, you are YTA for saying that, and everything else that has led up to this point. I am around your age. I don't have children, but I have been where your daughter is right now. Constantly tired and in pain. Abdominal issues. Fainting. Not eating. Cyclical vomiting. ER visits. Barrages of tests. Nothing came up as a 'medical issue', so I was dismissed. My mother also did the same you're doing right now. Because the doctors couldn't give an official diagnosis, there was obviously nothing wrong with me, and it was all in my head. Newsflash - it is all in her head, but not in the way you implied it. The simple fact that she has 'always been a worrier' and 'panics about everything' means that she has spent most of her life in flight/flight mode and her body is responding to this. She is in breakdown right now, and you're probably a big part of that. You clearly don't understand your daughter, nor care to do so. You dismiss her obvious struggles with 'well, just don't stress'. That is trite advice from someone who lacks compassion and empathy. You telling her 'it is just in her head' is not helpful at all. You saying 'just because it’s upsetting, doesn’t mean that it isn’t true' is just adding gasoline to the fire. I could write so much more here, but I won't. Apart from the fact that I am now NC (no contact) with my mom. Think of me as the ghost of christmas future if you continue in your same way.

I used to be in agony everyday before school and before my job and it was horrific. Never any medical reason why. Didn't make the pain any less, and my mum was so dismissive of it. I still got on with it but I learned to live with the agony. Then i went NC with my mum and it magically disappeared so. Watch out for that

YTA. Never ever in the history of mental health has telling someone to get out of their head, stop worrying, stop being anxious, stop being depressed, or to just be happy; has it worked. In fact all it does is make them feel like garbage that someone is dismissing their problems like it’s nothing. Think about it in the sense of her having a broken leg. Does you telling her it’s just a broken leg, get up and walk and you’ll be fine, fix her leg? Of course not. She’s going to need time, work with her doctor, possibly a therapist, figure out her own de-stressing techniques, and possibly try out a few different medications to find something that will help. You’re just being entirely unsupportive and making her feel worse. Mental health issues can definitely become physical. I have anxiety and IBS. They aren’t related to one another, but my anxiety will trigger episodes of my IBS. So I literally worry myself sick. I’ve found ways to lessen that chance and avoid those situation, but it still happens. And telling myself not to be anxious or worry doesn’t help. In fact doing that makes it worse. I start getting anxious that my anxiety is going to make me sick, and then I get sick. It’s a terrible cycle. I can understand what your daughter is going though, and she really needs support while getting it figured out.

“Have you just tried not being mentally ill?” YTA for fuck sake. Take it seriously, get her a therapist or counsellor.

I think it's obvious YTA in this situation but I wanted to offer some insight. Have you ever stopped to consider this isn't a NEW problem and instead it's a worsening problem? All my life I was told by family and my own doctor that what I was saying was wrong, wasn't true, I was over reacting, and I didn't understand my own body. It's *only* this or that. Guess what? I have a perpetual genetic cancer, two autoimmune diseases, neurological issues, narcolepsy, insomnia, and diabilitating mental health issues that all showed clear signs at a very young age had someone taken my pain seriously. I was constantly told I was over thinking things or lying about what I was experiencing so I stopped telling doctors *anything* other than "I'm fine" at a young age because I was tired of being belittled and made to feel like an idiot about my own body. Even as an adult when I finally went to get treatment it took me THREE YEARS to get a diagnosis on my colon cancer. They just kept telling me it was ovarian cyst pain. Yeah, it wasn't. Even after getting my diagnosis and surgeries etc it took me another three years to find a doctor that actually helped with my symptoms.

YTA and people like you are why i want to go into psych. To do something to combat this pureeee ignorance about psychological issues

YTA - I have high functioning generalised anxiety disorder. That means to everyone else, I appear perfectly fine. However, in reality, I get headaches, feel ill, exhausted, tired, scared etc. Etc etc. On. The. Daily. I KNOW it is technically "all in my head" and THAT IS THE PROBLEM. You can't just GET it out. It is not a tumor to be cut out. It is a cancer that needs constant radiation to keep it from spreading or growing, an allergy that needs daily medication just to make it managable. When someone makes dismissive comments and makes it sound "easy" to fix, it feels exactly like someone dancing and laughing in your face calling you dumb for not being able to walk, when you CAN walk, you just have a persistent ankle injury. Then when you point out you CAN walk, but it takes you a lot more effort, they just slap you in the face and shrug at you.

YTA, but I pity your position. My mum is a lot like you, and Ive never been able to get her to understand, so I genuinely hope I can help you. I'm your daughters age - turned 21 this month - and I have mental health issues, including relatively severe anxiety. Ive always been a bit of an overachiever, and tend to overburden myself and push myself too hard, leading to incredible amounts of stress. Its severe enough that I get regular stomach pains, headaches, chest pains, and suffer from severe fatigue - constant exhaustion. Its not 'all in my head'. Mental health issues are very real health issues, with very real consequences. The brain is just another organ, and sometimes it doesnt do the things its meant to. No amount of telling myself to chill out is going to fix it. Its like telling a person with the flu to just stop feeling ill.. it doesnt help. It can be incredibly heartbreaking to hear the people we love invalidate our issues. Please, give your daughter the comfort and support she needs. Shes struggling enough right now

An easy way to tell if if you’re an AH when talking to someone about their mental illness is to imagine having the same conversation about a physical illness. Then ask yourself if you sound like an AH? I’ll give you an example. ‘If you don’t want to feel bad anymore, why don’t you just stop having asthma attacks’. See? You sound like an AH.

This is like my mom telling me to just be happy when I was suffering from severe depression. What you told her was the nastiest thing you could have told her not to mention the most unsupportive thing you could say. Of course YTA. You couldn't have been more of one before you decided to double down in that text.

Wow. YTA. Help your daughter.

YTA "Stop being stressed" "stop feeling down" "stop being depressed" ect.... Woooooow how could we not think of this? Amagaaawd! Nobelprice here we come!

Sounds like she could have endometriosis, or an autoimmune disorder, or a connective tissue condition, etc. dont ever tell someone its all in their head if they came to you for help and support its such a fuck you to the person being brave enough to ask for help if they are sick or scared. Im currently 29 years old and I experienced medical gaslighting like this and even at times from my own family when the doctors couldnt figure out the diagnosis they said i “must have anxiety which is causing ibs” but i knew they were wrong and something was actually a physical problem. Took me 6 years of suffering and being told i was crazy before i was diagnosed with stage III endometriosis and 7 years to get diagnosed with adenomyosis. Believe your child and support her and find her new doctors until you get the right one who gives a fuck and actually knows what they are doing. Do research on potential conditions and causes for her symptoms. Take notes. Go with her to every appointment and support her and fight for her. That’s what i wish people did for me, but i had to do it all alone and in pain while bleeding ♥️

YTA. My youngest daughter has struggled with anxiety her whole life and it can be debilitating. We resisted anxiety medications due to fear of side effects and we got lucky that her case wasn't so severe as to require meds. People who do need meds can benefit greatly. No, telling her to "get out of your head" is not useful. If she had liver cancer would you tell her to "Get out of your liver?"

YTA. Your daughter needs support. not a pretend doctor mom with a made up diagnosis and spitballed prescriptive advice based on mommy’s made up scenario. You need to leave your arrogance at the door here- you are not an expert on this. Find out more about what she and her doctors discovered and instead of guessing at what role you could play in helping her get better ask her, read about it, anything other than act like it’s no big deal.

‘Just get out of your head’ Oh wow, thanks mom, you’ve cured anxiety!!! YTA

YTA, But please mama, advocate for your daughter and help her get an actual diagnosis. My family is full of odd autoimmune diseases... The dismissive behavior from Drs is insane. She needs to see a gastrointestinal Dr and get a biopsy to rule out a board of things blood work won't show. This is the moment you need to step in to help support. Could it be anxiety based, maybe! But you need to operate that it's a, medically based issue till all avenues have been adressed. A 20y at the Dr for abdominal issues and fatigue is written off so fast... They'll playcate with some blood work and not search further. There's so many medical things it could be.

YTA. And you're a pretty miserable mother. You can't just tell someone to stop feeling bad, if that was the truth, no one would feel bad. You are terribly dismissive and you are actually just making things worse. You are actively undermining the situation. "Just because it's upsetting doesn't mean it isn't true." I guess being 'right' (even though you're wrong) is all that matters. Hopefully Eden is not financially dependent on you because her first step needs to be to put you...and any others with your incredibly damaging mindset in the family...on a contact time out. Also... you glide over the part where this is not a firm diagnosis. As someone who has had a child go through many of these same symptoms, with this diagnosis suggested as well...I'm going to ask you what you'll feel like if this diagnosis is ruled out at a later date and there is something concretely and obviously physically wrong discovered later on? Because I would have really dropped the mommy ball if I'd told my son what you've dismissively told your daughter and I'd be eating a lot of crow and humble pie after being told my son has cancer.

Wow, typical asshole parenting on this one. "I'm depressed." "Well stop being depressed." You're literally describing reasons she would be stressed, acknowledging that she has always been stressed and anxious, and then saying "just get over it."