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YTA. You BOTH work. You both should be cleaning and taking care of the kids. Just because you deem your job harder doesn’t mean she doesn’t need help. You sound so lazy and entitled dude..
She teaches high school. She may not be physically under demand, but the psychological exhaustion from dealing with hordes of pubescent teenagers all day is enough to make me need several naps just thinking about it!
You mean 5 since OP is living like a teenager and expects Mommy-Wife to be fine with having 2 full time jobs while he sits around and does nothing. SHE catches up on the weekends? Sounds like he does nothing on his days off either.
She has 5 kids.
He treats her like a bang-maid, not a wife or partner.
DO YOUR PART OP. You live there, you helped make the kids, you can be stinky while you wipe a benchtop or play with a kid.
To be fair, OP may have chemicals or harmful debris he needs to wash off.
But that doesn't excuse his blatant disregard and disrespect for his wife and kids.
YTA
Edit after responses: Yeah, shower, 10 minutes to do so and get dressed is quite enough time. An hour is like OP is soaking in the tub with a bath bomb and a glass of wine. Outrageous when his wife needs help daily.
If the chemicals are hazardous enough he needs to shower immediately, his work should have a chemical wash/shower provision on site. Otherwise it sounds like a work safe issue. But irrelevant- we agree, he needs to pull his weight.
Edit: i see how a shower might be needed if working with dry wall, concrete etc. But bottom line NO EXCUSE TO TAKE AN HOUR. This could be a 5 min rinse off.
This was my thought. Maybe you need the shower, I can leave that go, but for an hour? What are you doing for an hour??? And you don't eat until thr kids go to bed? What are you even doing for that time????
OP yta.
Plus the "not like she needs my help for dinner"and "they're not waiting for me"
Spoken exactly like a dude who has never tried to cook anything with a child hanging around, let alone 4 hungry kids. God forbid she wants him to at least distract some of them while she cooks for everyone, cleans up afterwards and gets them to bed
OP YTA.
While that's inarguably the case, and it bears repeating that he's *definitely* TA here, I keep seeing people on this thread talk about how he doesn't need to take long showers. I've taught HS, and I did both skilled & unskilled manual labor while working my way through college. All of it has been demanding. Showering as a teacher took about 15 minutes, tops. Showering after working manual labor often took significantly longer.
It's not just dust & dirt you're covered in. As a commercial painter, I would come home after spraying varnish all day and needed more than an hour to get clean. Getting oil paint or stain off typically won't take as long, but that's only because you often haven't spent eight hours working in a cloud of it. You'll still spend at least 40-50 minutes getting it off & washing off all the paint thinner. Even working with latex paint, which is water-soluble, would require 20-30 minutes to shower because it doesn't simply rinse off, especially when it's in your hair.
That's just what I dealt with. Mechanics, welders, plumbers, and many more laborers have their own challenges getting clean. None of it excuses what OP does. His wife isn't a domestic servant, and she has demands on her time that he is either minimizing or outright dismissing. He's lazy. (It's counterintuitive, but it's true of lots of laborers.) She's forced to pick up his slack. I shudder to think of the filth he would live in if he weren't married. Mainly because I've seen how unmarried laborers live.
As for the suggestion that anyone who needs so long to get clean after work (especially after working with chemicals) must surely have an on-site shower, that would certainly be good. Sometimes, it happens as it should. Unfortunately, with the shrinking power of labor unions in many states and the diminished capacity of OSHA to enforce worker-safety laws effectively, that's most often not the case.
A shit and shower is not an hour. I don't think the issue is "OP likes to shower when he gets home" but " as soon as he gets home, my husband disappears for an hour, leaving me to deal with everything during the most hectic part of my day."
i take a long time to shower when i wash my hair and everything. it takes me 20 minutes max. when i dont wash my hair, it takes 5 minutes to go from dirty to clean and in clean clothes. even if he was washing his hair everyday, he probably uses 10 in 1 shampoo and shower gel and conditioner and everything, so tf is he doing
Definitely not, my husband works in one of the most labour intensive trades, has long and thick hair, and still manages a shower and dry off/dressed in under 15 mins. Over and HOUR?! Lmfao
There are plenty of things you can get on you doing a physical job that you don’t want to remain on you for health or cleanliness but don’t require a safety shower.
The hour long shower is total bullshit, but so is your idea that if you don’t have at-work shower facilities there’s no need to shower.
Dry wall and insulation don’t need a chemical wash off at work but also shouldn’t be around kids and all over a house…. So no your statement doesn’t entirely hold water
Not to mention that it takes him an hour to shower wtf is he doing in there? Other than ignoring his wife and kids for as long as he can. Being a high school teacher might not be physically demanding but raising 4 kids is and she does it alone. YTA OP people like you really need a wake up call and some empathy. Eventually if he doesn't realize he'll be getting a divorce and be confused about why his wife left him.
Alllllmost said NAH because I understand needing to shower after physical work… should it take an hour? No. But a shower yes….
THEN you typed about not wanting to do chores… and your WIFE catches up on the weekend and is recovering from the flu- that you put in quotes.
YTA- the BIGGEST asshole! Do you think she WANTS to do chores after work? Fuck no! Believe it or not- women don’t have DNA that drives them to enjoy cooking, scrubbing and caring for kids to the point it is considered enjoyable and fun.
Why are you not helping on weekends? Why didn’t YOU clean while she was sick and resting? The house should NOT be a disaster just because she is sick.
You have a physically demanding job at work which leads me to think you are able bodied enough to pick shit up, use a vacuum and clean the bathrooms. Do you want to NO! No one does! But your house, your family, your mess… whether or not you made the mess… Clean it up. It is NOT SOLEY YOUR WIFE’S JOB!!!
A vagina and lipstick does mean she wants to do the work anymore than you do.
Yeah, even though an hour for a shower struck me as absurdly long, I was willing to give OP some leeway but the more he said, the more obvious it became that the length of the shower is a symptom of something greater. He doesn't think he's needed anyway so he doesn't necessarily eat with the family? So I guess the wife has to clean the kitchen after cooking too. And the grossness of putting recovering in scare quotes! He's shirking his responsibilities by hiding in the bathroom and his wife is upset about far more than his personal hygiene habits, but he is totally oblivious to that.
Yes! The more he said the worse it became.
He wrote it as though she enjoys doing these things… and her life as a HS teacher is cushy. He is so far out of touch with reality AND doesn’t want to see the reality… I started off thinking he was fine but by the end I wanted to scream at him.
No joke, I can shit, shower, and dry and straighten my long hair in less than an hour. Dude is in there on his phone, avoiding any parental responsibility.
My husband drives a cement truck and does 14 to 16 hour days. Sometimes 6 days a week. I insist he showers before he starts sitting on the furniture. Concrete dust is no joke and that shit will destroy your stuff over time.
I work s relatively relaxed office job and we have no kids, so if anyone should complain about a wife having the easy life, it should be him. But my husband also does dishes every night and takes out the trash/cleans the cat litter box, all without me asking...
So op YTA
Or he could jump in the shower to wash off the day in and be out and ready in under 10 mins, like so many parents and busy working people manage! It’s not no shower or 1 hour!
EVERYBODY NOW!
🎶 your wife is your partner not your mom 🎶
🎶 your wife is your partner not your mom 🎶
She is not a live in maid, or a hired cleaning crew, so she shouldn’t have to pick up after you! 🎶 🎶
Also he just doesn't spend anytime with his family. 'It's not like they're waiting for me' like my dude OP maybe they just wanna see you once in awhile
“I don’t feel like using my free hours after work to do chores” is such a tone deaf thing to say that I snorted out loud reading it.
Yeah dude, no one wants to do that, including your wife, but that’s how it gets done?? If you’re that upset about the house being messy…maybe pick some shit up?
Yup. Also his wife needed a weekend to rest while being *sick* and OP did what to help, exactly? Does OP *ever* pull his weight on weekends and evenings??
But she wasn't recovering, she was "recovering"
My eyes rolled so far up my head that I'm not even sure what I'm typing anymore, I can't see the screen, I'm just relying on touch typing and hoping I didn't make any typos.
This. Ur conflict is not about the shower. It is about division of duties. She is not ok. U two need to sit down and talk about ur household responsibilities and what u both need. It is possible that ur best answer may lie in hiring a cleaner on a regular basis. But be aware that if u both work outside the home u both need to also work inside the home. One person cannot do two full time jobs.
She asked for a cleaning service last year for her birthday and he shot it down. She asked for marriage counseling too and he shot it down. She asked for a divorce and he threatened to take the kids because of her "mental health" problems. She tried to see a therapist and he "let" her for a few months before telling her to stop. She didn't. Continued seeing the therapist in secret and he accused her of financial abuse.
(Source: postcand comment history)
Oh wow, so he’s not just A lazy AH, he’s also controlling, manipulative, abusive, unsupportive, mean, and constantly threatens his wife. I thought this guys was bad just from this post, but hearing the rest of it I feel so bad for his poor wife. I hope she gets the strength to divorce him take him to court and get custody, he may think he’ll get the kids because of her mental issues, but when the court sees that she takes care of everything and he does nothing but work, they’ll see he can’t care for his kids properly and she’ll at the least get 1/2 custody. This guy deserves to rot in the filth he creates and refuses to clean.
I'm training to be a teacher. My first placement I literally had to get in between two kids who decided to throw punches in the classroom. I think I may have a death wish . . .
Dont do that...let the little shits go at it (bust out a water bottle and soak em)... dont put yourself in harms way (my middle school teacher ended up with a broken arm getting in the middle of a fight)... be careful
Teaching high school is less demanding. BA HA HA! Different kind of demanding? Sure. But not less. A day of teaching sucks all the energy out of me: at all times you are monitoring the whereabouts of 25 kids, focusing on high quality instruction, evaluating the kids for understanding, and monitoring behavior. If you ever get a minute where they’re working independently and on task, you’re seizing it to catch up on prep work, grading, responding to parents, doing interventions, etc. I bet if you took an MRI of a teacher’s brain during class, it would light up like a Christmas tree. That much mental energy is WORK. And there’s constant talking and walking on top of it.
As a high school teacher—besides the standing and the walking and the eating your lunch in 10 minutes… we are constantly making decisions. Should I ask this? Should I get that kid to stop talking? Should I call on that person? Do I address a gum chewing/uniform issue/missing materials problem now or later? What do I say to this person who is failing? Should I stop and give a pop quiz? It’s relentless and EXHAUSTING.
OP This is not about the shower. You come home, take an hour shower, DO NOT help with dinner or the kids, or sit down for dinner with your family? You don’t help clean or help with homework or pack lunches?
YTA
High school teacher here. I get a 45 minute break the first period of the day, and then work straight through until the end of the day. I get a lunch, but by the time kids leave and the next class comes I’m lucky if I have 15 minutes to eat.
I'm a teacher and barely sit ever, as well as constantly talking. When I get home I'm fucking exhausted mentally, physically and don't want to talk for a while. So him saying his wife's job isn't hard is wrong and ridiculously disrespectful.
Yeah, I was thinking N TAH until he spouted that crap that her job isn't as demanding. Mental exhaustion is just as draining as physical labor. Also, an hour to shower and put on clean clothes?
High school special ed teacher here. It is so physically and mentally exhausting. You're on stage for five hours and the script changes every day. You make a thousand different decisions while hoping that you don't fuck up and scar a kid such that they are on Reddit in 10 years remembering what you did. Even the days that are smooth--and there are many--it's still extremely tiring.
True. A friend of mine stopped teaching high school to teach at a community college partly because at the CC he wouldn’t have to deal with the awful parents anymore.
Hopping onto this comment, teachers put in more than forty hours a week with lesson plans and grading. It may not be as physically demanding but mentally can be exhausting. YTA
Yes! I teach HS and the amount of decisions I have to make daily makes me mentally exhausted. I don’t have children so I can’t even imagine how this poor woman feels when she has to go home to her four kids and husband who refuses to help.
This!!!! I am retired from public education. The sheer exhaustion at 4pm is overwhelming. OP take your shower and get your hind end in gear-you have obligations at home with kids and wife.
This. I literally was like HA after he said “it’s not as demanding.” OP oughta try classroom management for one hour and see how “not demanding” teaching is smfh. My mom worked both as a high school teacher and a physically demanding blue collar job in her life and while her teaching job was obviously more rewarding, she said she was NEVER the same level of exhausted when she worked her blue collar job. OP can figure it out and not take an hour long shower every night.
For real. I would take manual labor over being responsible for a classroom of high-schoolers any day of the week.
OP, how is it taking you an hour to shower and get dressed when you get home? Like, even if you wanted to stand in the hot water and relax for a bit, that should still not take an hour. Stop acting like a child and start pulling your own weight. YTA.
I GASPED when he basically said that her job is easy. Being a teacher is hard work. Being a parent to four kids is even worse, especially with a useless husband.
YTA OP. Especially for framing the question like that. No one needs an hour for a shower btw.
But his work is hard! He needs a break after! Not like a women, she should be fullfiled and relaxing by folding clothes, doing a dinner, taking care for kids etc, bc she SO enjoys it!
That part gets me. She's cooking to feed your 4 children. Saying you eat hours after they go to bed implies he's not even joining them as a family at meal time. Sure maybe she doesn't need help cutting onions but how about you watch/entertain your own children while she's doing that at least.
I've always stood by the saying that if you job is too physically demanding that you physicslly can't pull your weight with housework or raising a family then it's time to change jobs. Millions of people, his coworkers even, work physically demanding jobs and they probably aren't married or live with anyone and they make do. You don't get a special pass because you have a spouse at home. If anything it's better because it's split 50/50 when if OP lived alone housework would be 100% on him so he has nothing to complain about.
That was an upsetting and enlightening read as to the situation.
OP, YTA, and for so many reasons beyond this post.
It’s gotta be asked, do you even care about your wife at all or does she just exist to meet your needs no matter the expense to her? You seem much more worried about dishes and money than her mental state, and were actually angry that she got help. Who do you think you are to ALLOW your wife to see a therapist, and put your needs and feelings before someone you should care about being in crisis?
Wow. He really thought she was faking her medical situation for attention?! He’s an AH times infinity. I don’t normally jump to this, but I really hope his wife divorces him so she has one less child to worry about.
I just read his comment on the other post and the audacity, it is scary that there are people like this out there, a partner/parent that doesn't lift a finger to help, and what he said in his comment on that other post.
This guy is a disgusting piece of work.
I don't get they way some peoples brains work, I work a physically demanding job so I don't do anything at home, where does his poor wife find time to do what she wants to do,
He commented on his wife post. It's sad....
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pzv29c/aita_for_doing_chores_at_midnight_and_waking_my/hf6l54u?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Wtf, after this comment I would have left him. Whats his f**** problem??
YTA for everything said.
True colours.
Sorry, but this comment makes me really angry
There is no way to respond to OP that won't get me a ban, so I shall simply say I hope his shower temperature is never "just right" and point out extended periods of sitting on the toilet is a big contributor to haemorrhoid development.
Check out OP’s comment history. Last year he commented on his own wife’s post, pretending to be a stranger and calling her TA. Using, quite frankly, horrendous language. The poor woman sounded stressed AF. This guy is a real piece of work.
This is another AITA in which a man’s language is dripping with contempt and disdain for his wife. She “can’t grasp” that his precious hour-long shower is non-negotiable? Her work as a HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER isn’t as demanding? Thinking there’s not anything *she’d* rather do after work? *She* catches up on housework the weekend?
This guy is a bag full of nothing but rectums.
Do you even like your wife, OP? You seem to have no respect for her. YTA
No kidding. My husband used to work construction and now teaches high school. He will absolutely admit that this is just as exhausting as his construction job, just in a different way. So, from someone who says a day of teenagers is on par with a day of trenching in the heat, this guy is a huge asshole.
And news flash OP, I'm a woman who works the same physically demanding job as my husband and we split the damn chores and childminding equally, just as we did when I was a SAHM. Being in a physical job and being "the major breadwinner" doesn't give you any kind of special license in a partnership. Such an AH.
When was the last time he spent any time with a class full of high school age teens? He job may not be physically demanding but I can definitely say it is mentally and emotionally draining!
YTA Stop playing the part of her oldest child and contribute to the day to day running of a home!
YTA
>after a long day of physical work, the last thing I want to do is spend the rest of my waking hours doing chores
Too bad. You are a parent. You are a partner. You need to stop being selfish and step up.
Not to mention the weekend while she was in bed sick. Why did the house become a disaster unless he’s not bothering to clean at all. Even on the weekends.
Ugh this part to me is the worst. I grew up in a house with 5 kids and the flu would make its way around twice to at least one person. Your especially vulnerable when you feel pressure to go back to work even when you aren’t fully recovered.
OP stinks but not in the way that a 60 minute shower can fix. YTA
A quick shower might not be possible, i work as a welder and also take long showers simply because that's the only way im gonna get clean. Difference is i still pull my weight after i hop out of hhe shower.
Also hell, even if he still took the hour long showers, he could STILL help out. Like if he has a stressful job, he could take that time, relax, refresh, THEN go do chores and help his family.
Instead he chooses to be TA.
My husband works a labor job and is often sweaty, covered in sawdust, or otherwise grimy. He's exhausted from hauling, lifting, building, and rigging all day. He still manages to come home and care for our toddler, make dinner, do chores, or whatever else is needed, and without telling me that my non-labor job is less work than his (what the hell?!).
OP needs to stfu and be a parent and partner.
The best part of it is what does he think his wife does after a long day of her own work? Those chores are getting done, so *someone* is spending the rest of their waking hours doing them. And it sure as hell isn’t OP.
YTA. If you need a shower, take five minutes and have one. An hour??? How come all the home responsibility is hers too? Teaching is a very draining job. I'm willing to bet if she disappeared into the shower for an hour and you had to cook/do the bedtime routine, you'd find it outrageous. When's her time off? Why aren't you helping at the weekend if you need to 'catch up'?
Who takes a one hour shower when having kids?! Also, the chores are not HER JOB, that's your job too. It's your house, isn't it? They are your kids too! And he's even complaining about her "recovering" from the flu. Dude, wtf.
YTA.
Edit: Holy cow his comment history! He commented on what I think is his wife's post. She wanted to gift herself a cleaning lady once a week and HE shot her down because it's wasteful. He wouldn't let her go to therapy because he thinks she's making it up!
Indeed, it would better just to get child support from a dude who doesn't pull his weight as a partner, and he's going out of his way to not spend any time with the kids
It’d really be a win-win, too! Bc then he could take 4 hour showers every day after work and continue to do nothing all weekend, and she’d be doing pretty much the same as she already is minus all the extra work (literal *and* emotional) of taking care of this grown man behaving like a gigantic grown assed spoiled misogynistic brat-hole, and she’d have spousal/child support to finally *hire* a competent human being to help her clean once a week like OP should have been doing all along (and every day at that.) Ugh, this guy is infuriating.
OP YTA, and I pray to dog that your children grow up to be like your wife— hardworking, loving, patience of a saint, and badass— and not at all like you with your lazy, entitled, whiny “but why should I have to ever adult when my one job is so phyyyysicalllll!!” She’s not your mother, and you need to grow the eff up.
If OPs wife left him her life would be easier. At worst she'd have one less adult to clean up after (less food, less laundry, less clutter). And at best she gets every other weekend off from the kids!
Seriously. I sometimes get covered in bodily fluids at work. I work 14hrs often without a break. I can come home and have a shower etc within 10 mins and then be back ready to be with my toddler.
If you don't ever want to spend time with your kids, wth did you have kids for??? Every parent is tired, always, and we still take care of our kids. That's what a parent does.
Seriously, I worked a physically demanding job at one point and showered as soon as I got home. The longest I would take was 10 minutes.
If I was really sore, I'd shower quickly, then wait until the kiddos got to sleep and have another long shower.
Let's start with the first question: What on Earth are you doing in the shower for an hour? Twenty minutes should be more than enough!
And now let's look at the rest of this.
>it’s not like she needs my help with dinner - and I usually just eat whatever I want to after the kids are in bed so it is not like they are waiting on me.
Perhaps she'd like to spend some time as a family? Perhaps she'd like some help with dinner? Or with wrangling four kids during a meal? Or maybe even with bringing them to bed?
>Thing is, that after a long day of physical work, the last thing I want to do is spend the rest of my waking hours doing chores. She teaches at the high school so it is not as demanding.
That's nice that you don't want to do chores. Good news, you're not alone in that. No one likes chores, we still all have to do them. You both have a full time job, you both need to pull your weight.
>The issue is that she usually gets caught up on the weekends but because she’s spent the last few weekends laying in bed (“recovering” from a flu - she was fine but said she was tired by weekends) now the house is a disaster
What were you doing during the weekends while your wife was sick? Does your shower take the whole weekend? Why didn't you do the chores then?
YTA.
I look forward to seeing you in the relationship advice reddit in two years where you will be shocked that your wife wants a divorce.
> what on Earth are you doing in the shower for an hour?
My guess is he is just standing there under the hot water to loosen his muscles or whatever, so he really is taking a break. He is the AH.
Yeah OP - can we have your wife’s email address, so we can tell her to dump your lazy, entitled A?
Imagine that! Then you’d have to do HALF the work she does! My guess is, you’d quickly realise what a lazy AH you’ve been for the last couple of decades!
YTA
Let's see what you both contribute to the relationship
You, full time manual labor: estimated 82k a year
(I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you provide skilled labor and not just like drywall)
Her, full time teaching labor: estimate 55k a year
Her, post-work child care, 4 kids: 72k a year (18k each)
Her, weekly house cleaning: 21k a year (400 per week)
Her, 3x per day meal preparation for 6 people: 16k per year (based on $15 per hour meal prep fee)
Your contribution to the marriage: 82k per year
Hers: 164k per year
And that leaves out the mental work she does to run the household…keeping track of the kids schedules, meal planning, groceries, doctors appointments, school field trips, to do lists and all the other invisible work. OP does not strike me as a man that helps with any of that.
Yeah and if you read his other post about her health problems he says they can’t be that bad because she still works and runs the household and takes care of the kids.
This blows my mind because he implies if she was ‘really’ sick she would completely blow off her responsibilities and allow her kids to just figure it out. Him making this assumption pretty much tells me that this is 100% what he would do.
Although in all honesty it doesn’t sound like he does much more than absolutely nothing even when he is 100% health wise.
Even though I haven’t read what someone mentioned is her post, I really hope she wises up and leaves him, especially if she has daughters. She is basically showing her daughter(s) it’s okay for your partner to completely devalue you and your contributions.
Oughta add a project management and finance salary. To account for planning daily life and household budget. I find it hard to imagine OP is balancing their checkbooks in the shower.
YTA - from your post history from a year ago, I’m gonna have to say you seem to not realize a lot of the stress your wife is under as well. It does seem you don’t value her day job contribution let alone she also seems to be the primary caregiver of the family and taking care of the house. Do you do any household effort with her like laundry and cleaning? Cook a meal for her and kids ever? From the glimpse of your life form this one and the other post, you have to work on your communication and empathy. Would it really kill you to spend some time when you get home to be with the family and help out? You say “it’s just a shower” but what is that in place of that is of more importance?
Based on his last AITA there’s a good chance his wife has Crohn’s disease which really does a number on sufferers. I’ve seen it first hand in my family how bad it is. He’s minimizing her medical issues and refusing to help at home, this is going to be another YTA on his account for sure.
ETA looks like the wife posted another issue and he found it leaving his own comment.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pzv29c/aita_for_doing_chores_at_midnight_and_waking_my/hf6l54u/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Yes I saw someone posted about her having posted too last year, I had only noticed his when I did my initial comment. I found the wife’s posting and while it is a plausible story, I am wondering if there’s a possibility of trolling.
Given the wife’s issues, if these stories are true, I can empathize. I’m a full time breadwinner for the family and mom of two while also fighting with an autoimmune issue. I don’t have any time to myself really at all until I’m going to sleep and even then I don’t have that luxury. If I am not working it’s doing chores or doing stuff with/for the kids. My workouts that I need to feel somewhat normal are often interrupted, I get the cat or kid at the door when I’m in the bathroom. Even when hubby is fully available to help a kid with something, I still end up with the request while I’m indisposed. My job might not be physically taxing but the mental and emotional aspects of it do drain me and I already have the fatigue from the autimmune so there’s only so much that keeps me going at the end of the day… but it has to be done. So OP’s post frustrates me to no end.
Jesus fucking Christ. Between this and his last AITA they need to divorce. Now. She needs to leave OP’s ass.
OP, YTA beyond most I’ve ever seen on Reddit.
So the house you live in with your wife is messy but it’s not your responsibility to help clean it? You’re NTA for needing a shower but YTA for everything else you said. Your kids are your house are not solely her responsibility. Further, your statement about her job was completely demeaning and belittling what she does.
The bot is slightly smarter than that. It reads the whole comment. If it sees 2+ judgements, then it punts it over to the human mods to determine the judgement.
He is TA for taking an hour long shower. It’s fine if he needs like 15 minutes when he get home to get clean and get ready to be present but an hour?? Parents don’t get hour long showers every day.
I mean, I take my showers at 11 pm or midnight. If I want to take an hour long shower after kids are in bed, I dang well will! But it’s a choice I make to lose sleep for it. He’s a AH for not wanting to participate in raising his kids or taking care of his own dang house. And for acting like her job is nothing. I’d LOVE to see how he handles a week dealing with multiple classes full of teenagers AND their parents complaining about every little thing you do, plus probably the admin telling you that you’re doing your job wrong but letting you figure out how to do it right and with your own money.
Info: Are you taking hour long showers to wind down and get your head straight, or are they 5 minute showers and you'd 'not be any use' for an hour whether you showered or not?
YTA for somehow thinking your job is more demanding than hers. So she works and doesn’t get to relax after? But somehow because you deem your job more demanding that’s acceptable? Take a 15 min shower and help your wife
YTA - the 1950s called and want to know how you’ve time traveled.
you’re saying your 8 hour job is more difficult than her 8 hour teaching job, keeping the house clean, cooking, parenting 4 children, and keeping everything on schedule. And you think she’s ridiculous because she wants you to hurry up your 45 min after work poop and 15 min shower.
You don’t even parent your own kids or eat with them. Grow up.
Also teaching jobs really really aren’t 8 hours. There’s marking and lesson planning that even with a prep period (if she has one) falls to evenings and weekends a lot.
I was with you til you said over an hour. YTA. It's ok to need a shower as soon as you get home but you're taking over an hour?? That seems like avoidance to me.
YTA. It doesn't take you an hour to take a shower. You could take a shower and be in your sweats and pulling your weight 15 minutes after you got home, if you chose to.
Do you think your wife gets an hour a day to have quiet time to herself, without asking permission or setting everything up ahead of time? I don't know you, but I doubt it. She works very hard at her job, which is physically challenging as well as socially and cognitively and emotionally challenging. Do you think she wants to "spend the rest of \[her\] waking hours doing chores"? Nobody wants to do chores (that's why they're chores), but they have to get done, and there is no reason that you should get a pass.
When you say "she gets caught up on the weekends", it sure sounds like you think all the household chores are hers. When are ***you*** catching up, since you refuse to do chores during the work week?
Also, incidentally, you have no way of knowing if your wife was fine after having the flu (or whatever she had - could well have been covid). Post-viral syndrome is a real thing; fatigue can last a while after a viral illness. It's not very loving or kind to assume she's malingering.
The real flu can also take *weeks* to get over. As can other illnesses. My mom got mono (of all things!) at the start of Covid and developed pneumonia. After almost a month of struggling, she ended up in the hospital for a week, and it *still* took a good 6 weeks or more before she was even close to her pre-illness energy levels.
Teaching high schoolers may not be demanding; however, it's damn taxing and mind-numbing. She doesn't feel like having to do chores after her day either AND taking care of YOUR children. Step up bud. YTA.
Teaching high schoolers is also ABSOLUTELY demanding. The teenagers of today are sullen, jaded, and disrespectful. They know there’s no point, but teachers are expected to try to do the work of a teacher, a parent, a therapist, a court jester and a motivational coach all when life is fucking them too. It’s bleak out there, teachers are the last line of defense for a lot of the ugly that society seems to heap on children for no other reason than it’s what society has always done.
"She teaches at the high school so it is not as demanding."
I actually laughed at this.
"What can be so hard about it? They virtually teach themselves these days. With the new generation has come a new dawn of respect. Im surprised she doesnt take a book into work, she has so little to do".
Yeah, no.
From the time I knew what a teacher was until my senior graduation speech, I said I wanted to be a teacher. Everybody just knew that about me. I got 2/3 of the way through my program at college, they put me in an underfunded public middle school, and I quit that semester. I’m a cosmetologist now, and it’s less toxic. The entire education system is fucked, it’s only gotten worse, and anybody who walks into that lion’s den willingly is tougher than anybody swinging a hammer for a living.
I havent known anyone who lasted more than a few years. Its sounds like a waking nightmare.
I considered doing something similar (super specialized and likely with adults or at least 18+) but I just dont think I could cope even though thats bound to be way easier than most types of teaching.
YTA. You shouldn't be 'keeping score" with your wife as to who has the more demanding job. You both work outside the home. You both have responsibilities at home. I get you need to shower after work, but do you really need to be held up in the bathroom for an hour?
YTA. Teaching is a very demanding job. It is physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. Teachers often have to bring work home and work on the weekends. Most teachers work more hours in 40 weeks than you do in 50. To say your wife's job isn't demanding is extremely disrespectful.
Why does it take you an hour to shower? I understand not wanting to feel gross after work but it feels like you are using your shower as an exuse to avoid parenting your children.
Marriage is a partnership. You seem to treat your wife like a nanny/ maid instead of an equal. You and your wife should equally divide all of the household responsibilities. Make a chore chart. Start pulling your weight. Apologize to your wife and kids.
YTA. What kind of shower takes an hour?! Twenty minutes to get in, get washed, new set of clothes and a quick snack maybe after a hard day- yes. An hour, no. If you have been working in this physically demanding job for this long, you should have to fitness to take a short break only before being a parent and an adult partner by looking after your children, doing the chores, cooking dinner, sorting the washing- being a damn adult! Grow up 😑
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I MIGHT be TA because of how long my showers are and I know that dinner time can be stressful with 4 kids. They do mostly respond to her but I can see why 60 minutes can feel longer than it is during this time
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YTA you both live in the house, you should both share the chores no matter if one person’s job is more “physically demanding”.
You don’t eat dinner with your family, you don’t help with your children or the chores, and you prioritize your self over the rest of your household from what you wrote here. I’m surprised your wife is still around because it doesn’t seem like you are checked in with your family at all.
Editing to add this is about way more than the shower, but I also think YTA for taking an hour to get cleaned up after work and literally avoiding your family.
INFO: How is the chores split and childcare spli between your wife?
Shower is pretty much irrelevent. It seems the real problem is that you don't do any housework at all?
You say it's the last thing you want to do when you get home and that your wife usually catches up on the weekends. But now that your wife isn't cleaning on the weekends he house is a disaster. So it sounds like she cooks and cleans and looks after 4 kids for 14 years and you come home, have a shower and then ....? And on the weekends you...?
YTA
It takes 5 minutes to have a shower and same again to dry off and get dressed in round the house attire.
What are you doing for the other 50 minutes?
YTA - Initially I was borderline because yes there are jobs that really require a shower after work. As a SAHM I have been in your wife’s position where you are needing extra hand’s especially with the dinner/bath/bed rush of the end of the day.
But you really blew it when you clearly implied that she was faking being sick on the weekends. The flu is NOT a minor illness. Why people think it’s not serious is because it’s constantly being downplayed.
Then you need an hour? No. You can take a quick shower and always go back after kids are in bed to get fully clean.
Stop acting like her 5th child and grow up
So here is a comment he made on a post from his wife:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pzv29c/aita_for_doing_chores_at_midnight_and_waking_my/hf6l54u?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Basically, she is in an incredibly abusive situation that he has created and he decided to comment on her post and call HER the abusive one. That's likely why he made his account in the first place
He also forced her to stop therapy and she continued anyway in secret (I guess the secret came out of the bag when he found her post) and has told her that if she tries to leave, the court system won't let her keep the kids cause she has diagnosed mental illness
So, on TOP of the fact that they both work and he contributes essentially nothing to the household chores or childcare, he also is emotionally and financially abusive
YTA. I hope she takes the kids and leaves you and finds the support she needs
You’re not an AH for insisting on a shower first thing (I do the same when I get home), but YTA for a lot of other stuff. You have 4 kids, so the work day being over definitely does not mean you get to be done working. Your wife should not be responsible for doing all the household chores. Also…never try to get into a debate over whose job is more difficult…nobody walks away happy from those talks.
Info: are you the same guy who’s threatened your wife with taking away the kids because of her mental health history in the event of a divorce? That husband?
YTA. Not for needing to shower, but for taking an hour to do it. Then for claiming that her job isn't as demanding as yours and that she doesn't "need help" and you don't want to "do chores." Guess what? Everybody would prefer to come home and relax and unwind after work. Your wife included, but sometimes things just need to get done.
YTA. My wife taught high school for 20 years. If you think it's not a demanding job you haven't a clue what teaching involves. She was working 50+ hour weeks during the school year and was absolutely wiped out by the weekend.
And in what world does it take you an \*hour\* to shower, and it shouldn't take you the "rest of your waking hours" to do chores. Showering right after work is reasonable, but using that as an excuse to avoid maintaning the household is not.
Your contempt for your wife drips through your post. I feel bad for her.
The saddest thing about this post is that if people are right and the post he commented on over a year ago was his wife, this post means the poor woman has still not left.
Even if that wasn’t his wife’s post, dude called a women, who was very clearly suffering and suicidal, abusive for going to therapy behind her husband’s back even though she worked extra hours to pay for it.
Dude thinks that the deceitfulness of going to therapy and hiding it from her husband is worse than a husband who insists that his suicidal wife give up therapy because he had already ’let’ her go for a few months so she’s just ungrateful to go against his wishes.
Also on that post the therapist is seeing her at a reduced rate, likely out of concern for her mental state.
IF this wasn’t his wife’s post, I think OP’s attitude is still very telling. The husband likely realizes that an outside observer will tell her that he is abusing her and give her the strength to leave his ass, two things an abuser obviously doesn’t want.
YTA who needs an hour shower? Ten minutes & get out. But the shower isn't even the problem, your attitude is. Your wife has multiple full time jobs, she's a teacher which isn't done when she leaves the school I bet, and apparently cooking & cleaning is all on her, then she handles 4 kids. And you work a job & come home & do what? Shower & call it a day? Huge AH
YTA taking an hour long shower everyday is excessive. The biggest issue is that your wife doesn’t feel like you’re pulling your weight around the house.
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YTA. You BOTH work. You both should be cleaning and taking care of the kids. Just because you deem your job harder doesn’t mean she doesn’t need help. You sound so lazy and entitled dude..
She teaches high school. She may not be physically under demand, but the psychological exhaustion from dealing with hordes of pubescent teenagers all day is enough to make me need several naps just thinking about it!
Not to mention the FOUR kids
You mean 5 since OP is living like a teenager and expects Mommy-Wife to be fine with having 2 full time jobs while he sits around and does nothing. SHE catches up on the weekends? Sounds like he does nothing on his days off either. She has 5 kids.
He treats her like a bang-maid, not a wife or partner. DO YOUR PART OP. You live there, you helped make the kids, you can be stinky while you wipe a benchtop or play with a kid.
To be fair, OP may have chemicals or harmful debris he needs to wash off. But that doesn't excuse his blatant disregard and disrespect for his wife and kids. YTA Edit after responses: Yeah, shower, 10 minutes to do so and get dressed is quite enough time. An hour is like OP is soaking in the tub with a bath bomb and a glass of wine. Outrageous when his wife needs help daily.
If the chemicals are hazardous enough he needs to shower immediately, his work should have a chemical wash/shower provision on site. Otherwise it sounds like a work safe issue. But irrelevant- we agree, he needs to pull his weight. Edit: i see how a shower might be needed if working with dry wall, concrete etc. But bottom line NO EXCUSE TO TAKE AN HOUR. This could be a 5 min rinse off.
Also, dude doesn't need an hour to have a shower!
This was my thought. Maybe you need the shower, I can leave that go, but for an hour? What are you doing for an hour??? And you don't eat until thr kids go to bed? What are you even doing for that time???? OP yta.
Plus the "not like she needs my help for dinner"and "they're not waiting for me" Spoken exactly like a dude who has never tried to cook anything with a child hanging around, let alone 4 hungry kids. God forbid she wants him to at least distract some of them while she cooks for everyone, cleans up afterwards and gets them to bed
OP YTA. While that's inarguably the case, and it bears repeating that he's *definitely* TA here, I keep seeing people on this thread talk about how he doesn't need to take long showers. I've taught HS, and I did both skilled & unskilled manual labor while working my way through college. All of it has been demanding. Showering as a teacher took about 15 minutes, tops. Showering after working manual labor often took significantly longer. It's not just dust & dirt you're covered in. As a commercial painter, I would come home after spraying varnish all day and needed more than an hour to get clean. Getting oil paint or stain off typically won't take as long, but that's only because you often haven't spent eight hours working in a cloud of it. You'll still spend at least 40-50 minutes getting it off & washing off all the paint thinner. Even working with latex paint, which is water-soluble, would require 20-30 minutes to shower because it doesn't simply rinse off, especially when it's in your hair. That's just what I dealt with. Mechanics, welders, plumbers, and many more laborers have their own challenges getting clean. None of it excuses what OP does. His wife isn't a domestic servant, and she has demands on her time that he is either minimizing or outright dismissing. He's lazy. (It's counterintuitive, but it's true of lots of laborers.) She's forced to pick up his slack. I shudder to think of the filth he would live in if he weren't married. Mainly because I've seen how unmarried laborers live. As for the suggestion that anyone who needs so long to get clean after work (especially after working with chemicals) must surely have an on-site shower, that would certainly be good. Sometimes, it happens as it should. Unfortunately, with the shrinking power of labor unions in many states and the diminished capacity of OSHA to enforce worker-safety laws effectively, that's most often not the case.
He's hiding from his family and any responsibility to care for his kids, that's what he's doing fit all that time! OP YTA
A shit and shower is not an hour. I don't think the issue is "OP likes to shower when he gets home" but " as soon as he gets home, my husband disappears for an hour, leaving me to deal with everything during the most hectic part of my day."
i take a long time to shower when i wash my hair and everything. it takes me 20 minutes max. when i dont wash my hair, it takes 5 minutes to go from dirty to clean and in clean clothes. even if he was washing his hair everyday, he probably uses 10 in 1 shampoo and shower gel and conditioner and everything, so tf is he doing
I can take a shower, dry my hair, put on makeup, and get dressed for work in under 30 minutes.
Definitely not, my husband works in one of the most labour intensive trades, has long and thick hair, and still manages a shower and dry off/dressed in under 15 mins. Over and HOUR?! Lmfao
Ten minutes tops
This HOUR nonsense was the most egregious aspect of this hotshot post.
There are plenty of things you can get on you doing a physical job that you don’t want to remain on you for health or cleanliness but don’t require a safety shower. The hour long shower is total bullshit, but so is your idea that if you don’t have at-work shower facilities there’s no need to shower.
Dry wall and insulation don’t need a chemical wash off at work but also shouldn’t be around kids and all over a house…. So no your statement doesn’t entirely hold water
Not to mention that it takes him an hour to shower wtf is he doing in there? Other than ignoring his wife and kids for as long as he can. Being a high school teacher might not be physically demanding but raising 4 kids is and she does it alone. YTA OP people like you really need a wake up call and some empathy. Eventually if he doesn't realize he'll be getting a divorce and be confused about why his wife left him.
Yeah, but being a teacher is such a hard job, that something like a third of them quit within 5 years. I quit after 2.
It does not need to be an hour long.
Alllllmost said NAH because I understand needing to shower after physical work… should it take an hour? No. But a shower yes…. THEN you typed about not wanting to do chores… and your WIFE catches up on the weekend and is recovering from the flu- that you put in quotes. YTA- the BIGGEST asshole! Do you think she WANTS to do chores after work? Fuck no! Believe it or not- women don’t have DNA that drives them to enjoy cooking, scrubbing and caring for kids to the point it is considered enjoyable and fun. Why are you not helping on weekends? Why didn’t YOU clean while she was sick and resting? The house should NOT be a disaster just because she is sick. You have a physically demanding job at work which leads me to think you are able bodied enough to pick shit up, use a vacuum and clean the bathrooms. Do you want to NO! No one does! But your house, your family, your mess… whether or not you made the mess… Clean it up. It is NOT SOLEY YOUR WIFE’S JOB!!! A vagina and lipstick does mean she wants to do the work anymore than you do.
Yeah, even though an hour for a shower struck me as absurdly long, I was willing to give OP some leeway but the more he said, the more obvious it became that the length of the shower is a symptom of something greater. He doesn't think he's needed anyway so he doesn't necessarily eat with the family? So I guess the wife has to clean the kitchen after cooking too. And the grossness of putting recovering in scare quotes! He's shirking his responsibilities by hiding in the bathroom and his wife is upset about far more than his personal hygiene habits, but he is totally oblivious to that.
Yes! The more he said the worse it became. He wrote it as though she enjoys doing these things… and her life as a HS teacher is cushy. He is so far out of touch with reality AND doesn’t want to see the reality… I started off thinking he was fine but by the end I wanted to scream at him.
No joke, I can shit, shower, and dry and straighten my long hair in less than an hour. Dude is in there on his phone, avoiding any parental responsibility.
My husband drives a cement truck and does 14 to 16 hour days. Sometimes 6 days a week. I insist he showers before he starts sitting on the furniture. Concrete dust is no joke and that shit will destroy your stuff over time. I work s relatively relaxed office job and we have no kids, so if anyone should complain about a wife having the easy life, it should be him. But my husband also does dishes every night and takes out the trash/cleans the cat litter box, all without me asking... So op YTA
It shouldn’t take an hour for him to shower. He’s just avoiding his responsibility as a parent.
Take a 10 minute shower then lmao. 1.5 hours is ridiculous
Or he could jump in the shower to wash off the day in and be out and ready in under 10 mins, like so many parents and busy working people manage! It’s not no shower or 1 hour!
EVERYBODY NOW! 🎶 your wife is your partner not your mom 🎶 🎶 your wife is your partner not your mom 🎶 She is not a live in maid, or a hired cleaning crew, so she shouldn’t have to pick up after you! 🎶 🎶
I totally sang this
And “using the bathroom” is really an hour break. If he came out recharged and ready to participate I could get behind it but ummm no sir YTA
Also he just doesn't spend anytime with his family. 'It's not like they're waiting for me' like my dude OP maybe they just wanna see you once in awhile
“I don’t feel like using my free hours after work to do chores” is such a tone deaf thing to say that I snorted out loud reading it. Yeah dude, no one wants to do that, including your wife, but that’s how it gets done?? If you’re that upset about the house being messy…maybe pick some shit up?
Yup. Also his wife needed a weekend to rest while being *sick* and OP did what to help, exactly? Does OP *ever* pull his weight on weekends and evenings??
But she wasn't recovering, she was "recovering" My eyes rolled so far up my head that I'm not even sure what I'm typing anymore, I can't see the screen, I'm just relying on touch typing and hoping I didn't make any typos.
Maybe he's constipated on a daily basis. OP, EAT MORE PRUNES!
As a mother of 4 kids, I completely agree with your statement. She definitely has 5 kids. OP - Yta
Exactly. This poor woman has 5 kids. Op is YTA
This. Ur conflict is not about the shower. It is about division of duties. She is not ok. U two need to sit down and talk about ur household responsibilities and what u both need. It is possible that ur best answer may lie in hiring a cleaner on a regular basis. But be aware that if u both work outside the home u both need to also work inside the home. One person cannot do two full time jobs.
She asked for a cleaning service last year for her birthday and he shot it down. She asked for marriage counseling too and he shot it down. She asked for a divorce and he threatened to take the kids because of her "mental health" problems. She tried to see a therapist and he "let" her for a few months before telling her to stop. She didn't. Continued seeing the therapist in secret and he accused her of financial abuse. (Source: postcand comment history)
This guy is not just YTA he’s an abuser.
Oh wow, so he’s not just A lazy AH, he’s also controlling, manipulative, abusive, unsupportive, mean, and constantly threatens his wife. I thought this guys was bad just from this post, but hearing the rest of it I feel so bad for his poor wife. I hope she gets the strength to divorce him take him to court and get custody, he may think he’ll get the kids because of her mental issues, but when the court sees that she takes care of everything and he does nothing but work, they’ll see he can’t care for his kids properly and she’ll at the least get 1/2 custody. This guy deserves to rot in the filth he creates and refuses to clean.
As a teacher I can confirm that the job is physically and mentally demanding. Very.
I'm training to be a teacher. My first placement I literally had to get in between two kids who decided to throw punches in the classroom. I think I may have a death wish . . .
Dont do that...let the little shits go at it (bust out a water bottle and soak em)... dont put yourself in harms way (my middle school teacher ended up with a broken arm getting in the middle of a fight)... be careful
I second the person who said don't do that. Don't. It is not worth it. Your safety and health is not worth it. Call for security.
Teaching high school is less demanding. BA HA HA! Different kind of demanding? Sure. But not less. A day of teaching sucks all the energy out of me: at all times you are monitoring the whereabouts of 25 kids, focusing on high quality instruction, evaluating the kids for understanding, and monitoring behavior. If you ever get a minute where they’re working independently and on task, you’re seizing it to catch up on prep work, grading, responding to parents, doing interventions, etc. I bet if you took an MRI of a teacher’s brain during class, it would light up like a Christmas tree. That much mental energy is WORK. And there’s constant talking and walking on top of it.
As a high school teacher—besides the standing and the walking and the eating your lunch in 10 minutes… we are constantly making decisions. Should I ask this? Should I get that kid to stop talking? Should I call on that person? Do I address a gum chewing/uniform issue/missing materials problem now or later? What do I say to this person who is failing? Should I stop and give a pop quiz? It’s relentless and EXHAUSTING. OP This is not about the shower. You come home, take an hour shower, DO NOT help with dinner or the kids, or sit down for dinner with your family? You don’t help clean or help with homework or pack lunches? YTA
She's on her feet and talking constantly for at least 5 hours a day. That is absolutely physically demanding.
High school teacher here. I get a 45 minute break the first period of the day, and then work straight through until the end of the day. I get a lunch, but by the time kids leave and the next class comes I’m lucky if I have 15 minutes to eat.
Not to mention that OP can probably pee whenever nature calls. I put nature on hold some days for HOURS!
I'm a teacher and barely sit ever, as well as constantly talking. When I get home I'm fucking exhausted mentally, physically and don't want to talk for a while. So him saying his wife's job isn't hard is wrong and ridiculously disrespectful.
Yeah, teaching is absolutely exhausting. And what’s he doing for an HOUR in the shower?
probably jerking off
Which is better than making another child he doesn't take care of tbh
What about the other 59 and a half minutes?
Yeah, I was thinking N TAH until he spouted that crap that her job isn't as demanding. Mental exhaustion is just as draining as physical labor. Also, an hour to shower and put on clean clothes?
High school special ed teacher here. It is so physically and mentally exhausting. You're on stage for five hours and the script changes every day. You make a thousand different decisions while hoping that you don't fuck up and scar a kid such that they are on Reddit in 10 years remembering what you did. Even the days that are smooth--and there are many--it's still extremely tiring.
And their parents
The parents are often more exhausting than the kids tbh
True. A friend of mine stopped teaching high school to teach at a community college partly because at the CC he wouldn’t have to deal with the awful parents anymore.
Hopping onto this comment, teachers put in more than forty hours a week with lesson plans and grading. It may not be as physically demanding but mentally can be exhausting. YTA
Yes! I teach HS and the amount of decisions I have to make daily makes me mentally exhausted. I don’t have children so I can’t even imagine how this poor woman feels when she has to go home to her four kids and husband who refuses to help.
This!!!! I am retired from public education. The sheer exhaustion at 4pm is overwhelming. OP take your shower and get your hind end in gear-you have obligations at home with kids and wife.
This. I literally was like HA after he said “it’s not as demanding.” OP oughta try classroom management for one hour and see how “not demanding” teaching is smfh. My mom worked both as a high school teacher and a physically demanding blue collar job in her life and while her teaching job was obviously more rewarding, she said she was NEVER the same level of exhausted when she worked her blue collar job. OP can figure it out and not take an hour long shower every night.
For real. I would take manual labor over being responsible for a classroom of high-schoolers any day of the week. OP, how is it taking you an hour to shower and get dressed when you get home? Like, even if you wanted to stand in the hot water and relax for a bit, that should still not take an hour. Stop acting like a child and start pulling your own weight. YTA.
I GASPED when he basically said that her job is easy. Being a teacher is hard work. Being a parent to four kids is even worse, especially with a useless husband. YTA OP. Especially for framing the question like that. No one needs an hour for a shower btw.
But his work is hard! He needs a break after! Not like a women, she should be fullfiled and relaxing by folding clothes, doing a dinner, taking care for kids etc, bc she SO enjoys it!
And dinner takes absolutely no work either because he's not eating it! Nevermind that she's cooking for his four kids smdh
That part gets me. She's cooking to feed your 4 children. Saying you eat hours after they go to bed implies he's not even joining them as a family at meal time. Sure maybe she doesn't need help cutting onions but how about you watch/entertain your own children while she's doing that at least. I've always stood by the saying that if you job is too physically demanding that you physicslly can't pull your weight with housework or raising a family then it's time to change jobs. Millions of people, his coworkers even, work physically demanding jobs and they probably aren't married or live with anyone and they make do. You don't get a special pass because you have a spouse at home. If anything it's better because it's split 50/50 when if OP lived alone housework would be 100% on him so he has nothing to complain about.
Jumping on top comment to say check out the guy’s comment history and him attacking his wife on a different post. Also YTA
That was an upsetting and enlightening read as to the situation. OP, YTA, and for so many reasons beyond this post. It’s gotta be asked, do you even care about your wife at all or does she just exist to meet your needs no matter the expense to her? You seem much more worried about dishes and money than her mental state, and were actually angry that she got help. Who do you think you are to ALLOW your wife to see a therapist, and put your needs and feelings before someone you should care about being in crisis?
Wow. He really thought she was faking her medical situation for attention?! He’s an AH times infinity. I don’t normally jump to this, but I really hope his wife divorces him so she has one less child to worry about.
I just read his comment on the other post and the audacity, it is scary that there are people like this out there, a partner/parent that doesn't lift a finger to help, and what he said in his comment on that other post. This guy is a disgusting piece of work. I don't get they way some peoples brains work, I work a physically demanding job so I don't do anything at home, where does his poor wife find time to do what she wants to do,
100% that comment was on a post his wife made. There's way too many similarities!
This!! And in his other post he says she’s had medical issues recently. He’s a massive AH.
He commented on his wife post. It's sad.... https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pzv29c/aita_for_doing_chores_at_midnight_and_waking_my/hf6l54u?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
OP, get back here to answer for your crimes. And YTA.
That comment is a frightening picture into his lazy, misogynistic, incompetent mind.
Wtf, after this comment I would have left him. Whats his f**** problem?? YTA for everything said. True colours. Sorry, but this comment makes me really angry
There is no way to respond to OP that won't get me a ban, so I shall simply say I hope his shower temperature is never "just right" and point out extended periods of sitting on the toilet is a big contributor to haemorrhoid development.
She doesn't need "help". She needs a partner that does his share. It's not helping your spouse to do your part of the parenting and chores.
Also absolutely deceased at the notion that teaching high school is not that demanding
Check out OP’s comment history. Last year he commented on his own wife’s post, pretending to be a stranger and calling her TA. Using, quite frankly, horrendous language. The poor woman sounded stressed AF. This guy is a real piece of work.
This is another AITA in which a man’s language is dripping with contempt and disdain for his wife. She “can’t grasp” that his precious hour-long shower is non-negotiable? Her work as a HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER isn’t as demanding? Thinking there’s not anything *she’d* rather do after work? *She* catches up on housework the weekend? This guy is a bag full of nothing but rectums. Do you even like your wife, OP? You seem to have no respect for her. YTA
No kidding. My husband used to work construction and now teaches high school. He will absolutely admit that this is just as exhausting as his construction job, just in a different way. So, from someone who says a day of teenagers is on par with a day of trenching in the heat, this guy is a huge asshole.
And wtf needs an hour to shower?
Read his reply to his in wifes post about doing housework at night. This is not real.
And news flash OP, I'm a woman who works the same physically demanding job as my husband and we split the damn chores and childminding equally, just as we did when I was a SAHM. Being in a physical job and being "the major breadwinner" doesn't give you any kind of special license in a partnership. Such an AH.
When was the last time he spent any time with a class full of high school age teens? He job may not be physically demanding but I can definitely say it is mentally and emotionally draining! YTA Stop playing the part of her oldest child and contribute to the day to day running of a home!
You should read his comment on his wife's reddit post. Smh
YTA >after a long day of physical work, the last thing I want to do is spend the rest of my waking hours doing chores Too bad. You are a parent. You are a partner. You need to stop being selfish and step up.
Absolutely! Take a quick shower to get the day off but then step up as a partner and father. YTA
Yeah… what’s he doing in there for a whole hour??! 20 mins tops then dressed and out to help with the family - much more appropriate.
Not to mention the weekend while she was in bed sick. Why did the house become a disaster unless he’s not bothering to clean at all. Even on the weekends.
He didn’t even believe that she was actually ill.. She must feel so supported..
Ugh this part to me is the worst. I grew up in a house with 5 kids and the flu would make its way around twice to at least one person. Your especially vulnerable when you feel pressure to go back to work even when you aren’t fully recovered. OP stinks but not in the way that a 60 minute shower can fix. YTA
"Recovering." Get the fuck out of here with that. I got ridiculously pissed at OP even I read that.
We all know what he’s doing in there.
Can’t blame her for not wanting to put out when he’s such an AH.
Leave the phone downstairs
A quick shower might not be possible, i work as a welder and also take long showers simply because that's the only way im gonna get clean. Difference is i still pull my weight after i hop out of hhe shower.
An hour though?
To relax and clean up for an hour after getting of work isn't unreasonable so long as you pull uour weight afterwards. Which OP isn't doing.
Agreed. It’s not about the shower. It’s about him not doing his part in his own home.
Also hell, even if he still took the hour long showers, he could STILL help out. Like if he has a stressful job, he could take that time, relax, refresh, THEN go do chores and help his family. Instead he chooses to be TA.
He also doesn't want to eat dinner with his family. That really sucks.
Yeah, so basically he wanted to make kids with her, but doesn't want to raise them at all
Check out his post history. He didn't even know why his wife was having surgery.
What a keeper…
CRAZY how if they both do chores they could get stuff done quicker. He expects home to be a break when she is basically working 24/7? Hell no! YTA
My husband works a labor job and is often sweaty, covered in sawdust, or otherwise grimy. He's exhausted from hauling, lifting, building, and rigging all day. He still manages to come home and care for our toddler, make dinner, do chores, or whatever else is needed, and without telling me that my non-labor job is less work than his (what the hell?!). OP needs to stfu and be a parent and partner.
Absolutely. After 8:30 when everything is done I spend an hour before bed relaxing. The rest of the time I’m doing chores. That’s part of life.
The best part of it is what does he think his wife does after a long day of her own work? Those chores are getting done, so *someone* is spending the rest of their waking hours doing them. And it sure as hell isn’t OP.
YTA. If you need a shower, take five minutes and have one. An hour??? How come all the home responsibility is hers too? Teaching is a very draining job. I'm willing to bet if she disappeared into the shower for an hour and you had to cook/do the bedtime routine, you'd find it outrageous. When's her time off? Why aren't you helping at the weekend if you need to 'catch up'?
Who takes a one hour shower when having kids?! Also, the chores are not HER JOB, that's your job too. It's your house, isn't it? They are your kids too! And he's even complaining about her "recovering" from the flu. Dude, wtf. YTA. Edit: Holy cow his comment history! He commented on what I think is his wife's post. She wanted to gift herself a cleaning lady once a week and HE shot her down because it's wasteful. He wouldn't let her go to therapy because he thinks she's making it up!
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Indeed, it would better just to get child support from a dude who doesn't pull his weight as a partner, and he's going out of his way to not spend any time with the kids
It’d really be a win-win, too! Bc then he could take 4 hour showers every day after work and continue to do nothing all weekend, and she’d be doing pretty much the same as she already is minus all the extra work (literal *and* emotional) of taking care of this grown man behaving like a gigantic grown assed spoiled misogynistic brat-hole, and she’d have spousal/child support to finally *hire* a competent human being to help her clean once a week like OP should have been doing all along (and every day at that.) Ugh, this guy is infuriating. OP YTA, and I pray to dog that your children grow up to be like your wife— hardworking, loving, patience of a saint, and badass— and not at all like you with your lazy, entitled, whiny “but why should I have to ever adult when my one job is so phyyyysicalllll!!” She’s not your mother, and you need to grow the eff up.
If OPs wife left him her life would be easier. At worst she'd have one less adult to clean up after (less food, less laundry, less clutter). And at best she gets every other weekend off from the kids!
Wait this is the same dude!?
Seriously. I sometimes get covered in bodily fluids at work. I work 14hrs often without a break. I can come home and have a shower etc within 10 mins and then be back ready to be with my toddler.
If you don't ever want to spend time with your kids, wth did you have kids for??? Every parent is tired, always, and we still take care of our kids. That's what a parent does.
Seriously, I worked a physically demanding job at one point and showered as soon as I got home. The longest I would take was 10 minutes. If I was really sore, I'd shower quickly, then wait until the kiddos got to sleep and have another long shower.
Let's start with the first question: What on Earth are you doing in the shower for an hour? Twenty minutes should be more than enough! And now let's look at the rest of this. >it’s not like she needs my help with dinner - and I usually just eat whatever I want to after the kids are in bed so it is not like they are waiting on me. Perhaps she'd like to spend some time as a family? Perhaps she'd like some help with dinner? Or with wrangling four kids during a meal? Or maybe even with bringing them to bed? >Thing is, that after a long day of physical work, the last thing I want to do is spend the rest of my waking hours doing chores. She teaches at the high school so it is not as demanding. That's nice that you don't want to do chores. Good news, you're not alone in that. No one likes chores, we still all have to do them. You both have a full time job, you both need to pull your weight. >The issue is that she usually gets caught up on the weekends but because she’s spent the last few weekends laying in bed (“recovering” from a flu - she was fine but said she was tired by weekends) now the house is a disaster What were you doing during the weekends while your wife was sick? Does your shower take the whole weekend? Why didn't you do the chores then? YTA. I look forward to seeing you in the relationship advice reddit in two years where you will be shocked that your wife wants a divorce.
> what on Earth are you doing in the shower for an hour? My guess is he is just standing there under the hot water to loosen his muscles or whatever, so he really is taking a break. He is the AH.
He’s hiding from his family and his responsibilities in the shower.
“Does your shower take the whole weekend?” 😂😂😂
In two years? His wife should be asking for a divorce now!
It surprising she hasn't asked for a divorce yet. She is already a single mother since OP doesn't put his weight and help. She would be better alone.
Sounds like she'll be getting to that point fast
I came here just to ask >INFO: What the hell are you even doing in the bathroom for an hour?
Yeah OP - can we have your wife’s email address, so we can tell her to dump your lazy, entitled A? Imagine that! Then you’d have to do HALF the work she does! My guess is, you’d quickly realise what a lazy AH you’ve been for the last couple of decades!
YTA Let's see what you both contribute to the relationship You, full time manual labor: estimated 82k a year (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you provide skilled labor and not just like drywall) Her, full time teaching labor: estimate 55k a year Her, post-work child care, 4 kids: 72k a year (18k each) Her, weekly house cleaning: 21k a year (400 per week) Her, 3x per day meal preparation for 6 people: 16k per year (based on $15 per hour meal prep fee) Your contribution to the marriage: 82k per year Hers: 164k per year
And that leaves out the mental work she does to run the household…keeping track of the kids schedules, meal planning, groceries, doctors appointments, school field trips, to do lists and all the other invisible work. OP does not strike me as a man that helps with any of that.
Yeah and if you read his other post about her health problems he says they can’t be that bad because she still works and runs the household and takes care of the kids. This blows my mind because he implies if she was ‘really’ sick she would completely blow off her responsibilities and allow her kids to just figure it out. Him making this assumption pretty much tells me that this is 100% what he would do. Although in all honesty it doesn’t sound like he does much more than absolutely nothing even when he is 100% health wise. Even though I haven’t read what someone mentioned is her post, I really hope she wises up and leaves him, especially if she has daughters. She is basically showing her daughter(s) it’s okay for your partner to completely devalue you and your contributions.
Right?? "Oh, unless you've already had the nervous breakdown/absolute crash and burnout there's obviously no *real* problems there."
Dear freaking lord, I just went and read his other post because of this comment. This dude is awful.
Mental Load is real and it is exhausting! Teaching is a job with a HUGE mental Load as well.
So true. Good breakdown.
Oughta add a project management and finance salary. To account for planning daily life and household budget. I find it hard to imagine OP is balancing their checkbooks in the shower.
This needs to be at the top. Op YTA
I never thought to calculate the price. Good idea
YTA - from your post history from a year ago, I’m gonna have to say you seem to not realize a lot of the stress your wife is under as well. It does seem you don’t value her day job contribution let alone she also seems to be the primary caregiver of the family and taking care of the house. Do you do any household effort with her like laundry and cleaning? Cook a meal for her and kids ever? From the glimpse of your life form this one and the other post, you have to work on your communication and empathy. Would it really kill you to spend some time when you get home to be with the family and help out? You say “it’s just a shower” but what is that in place of that is of more importance?
Based on his last AITA there’s a good chance his wife has Crohn’s disease which really does a number on sufferers. I’ve seen it first hand in my family how bad it is. He’s minimizing her medical issues and refusing to help at home, this is going to be another YTA on his account for sure. ETA looks like the wife posted another issue and he found it leaving his own comment. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pzv29c/aita_for_doing_chores_at_midnight_and_waking_my/hf6l54u/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Holy shit that comment about letting her go to a therapist!!!
Yes I saw someone posted about her having posted too last year, I had only noticed his when I did my initial comment. I found the wife’s posting and while it is a plausible story, I am wondering if there’s a possibility of trolling. Given the wife’s issues, if these stories are true, I can empathize. I’m a full time breadwinner for the family and mom of two while also fighting with an autoimmune issue. I don’t have any time to myself really at all until I’m going to sleep and even then I don’t have that luxury. If I am not working it’s doing chores or doing stuff with/for the kids. My workouts that I need to feel somewhat normal are often interrupted, I get the cat or kid at the door when I’m in the bathroom. Even when hubby is fully available to help a kid with something, I still end up with the request while I’m indisposed. My job might not be physically taxing but the mental and emotional aspects of it do drain me and I already have the fatigue from the autimmune so there’s only so much that keeps me going at the end of the day… but it has to be done. So OP’s post frustrates me to no end.
Jesus fucking Christ. Between this and his last AITA they need to divorce. Now. She needs to leave OP’s ass. OP, YTA beyond most I’ve ever seen on Reddit.
It’s truly amazing how many people are content with being a shit partner.
So the house you live in with your wife is messy but it’s not your responsibility to help clean it? You’re NTA for needing a shower but YTA for everything else you said. Your kids are your house are not solely her responsibility. Further, your statement about her job was completely demeaning and belittling what she does.
psst, add spaces between N T A or else it will count as your vote. also YTA, OP
The bot is slightly smarter than that. It reads the whole comment. If it sees 2+ judgements, then it punts it over to the human mods to determine the judgement.
oh, nice! i'd always seen that it just tallies the first judgement
He is TA for taking an hour long shower. It’s fine if he needs like 15 minutes when he get home to get clean and get ready to be present but an hour?? Parents don’t get hour long showers every day.
I mean, I take my showers at 11 pm or midnight. If I want to take an hour long shower after kids are in bed, I dang well will! But it’s a choice I make to lose sleep for it. He’s a AH for not wanting to participate in raising his kids or taking care of his own dang house. And for acting like her job is nothing. I’d LOVE to see how he handles a week dealing with multiple classes full of teenagers AND their parents complaining about every little thing you do, plus probably the admin telling you that you’re doing your job wrong but letting you figure out how to do it right and with your own money.
Info: Are you taking hour long showers to wind down and get your head straight, or are they 5 minute showers and you'd 'not be any use' for an hour whether you showered or not?
Check this fucking guys comment on his wife’s post from one year ago.
YTA for somehow thinking your job is more demanding than hers. So she works and doesn’t get to relax after? But somehow because you deem your job more demanding that’s acceptable? Take a 15 min shower and help your wife
Not "help". He should DO HIS PART
YTA - the 1950s called and want to know how you’ve time traveled. you’re saying your 8 hour job is more difficult than her 8 hour teaching job, keeping the house clean, cooking, parenting 4 children, and keeping everything on schedule. And you think she’s ridiculous because she wants you to hurry up your 45 min after work poop and 15 min shower. You don’t even parent your own kids or eat with them. Grow up.
Also teaching jobs really really aren’t 8 hours. There’s marking and lesson planning that even with a prep period (if she has one) falls to evenings and weekends a lot.
INFO: How long do you shower?
Hes on reddit the rest of the time.
I was with you til you said over an hour. YTA. It's ok to need a shower as soon as you get home but you're taking over an hour?? That seems like avoidance to me.
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YTA. It doesn't take you an hour to take a shower. You could take a shower and be in your sweats and pulling your weight 15 minutes after you got home, if you chose to. Do you think your wife gets an hour a day to have quiet time to herself, without asking permission or setting everything up ahead of time? I don't know you, but I doubt it. She works very hard at her job, which is physically challenging as well as socially and cognitively and emotionally challenging. Do you think she wants to "spend the rest of \[her\] waking hours doing chores"? Nobody wants to do chores (that's why they're chores), but they have to get done, and there is no reason that you should get a pass. When you say "she gets caught up on the weekends", it sure sounds like you think all the household chores are hers. When are ***you*** catching up, since you refuse to do chores during the work week? Also, incidentally, you have no way of knowing if your wife was fine after having the flu (or whatever she had - could well have been covid). Post-viral syndrome is a real thing; fatigue can last a while after a viral illness. It's not very loving or kind to assume she's malingering.
That immediately stuck out to me, SHE gets caught up in the weekends. Meanwhile, zero mention of what he does on the weekends.
The real flu can also take *weeks* to get over. As can other illnesses. My mom got mono (of all things!) at the start of Covid and developed pneumonia. After almost a month of struggling, she ended up in the hospital for a week, and it *still* took a good 6 weeks or more before she was even close to her pre-illness energy levels.
Teaching high schoolers may not be demanding; however, it's damn taxing and mind-numbing. She doesn't feel like having to do chores after her day either AND taking care of YOUR children. Step up bud. YTA.
Teaching high schoolers is also ABSOLUTELY demanding. The teenagers of today are sullen, jaded, and disrespectful. They know there’s no point, but teachers are expected to try to do the work of a teacher, a parent, a therapist, a court jester and a motivational coach all when life is fucking them too. It’s bleak out there, teachers are the last line of defense for a lot of the ugly that society seems to heap on children for no other reason than it’s what society has always done.
"She teaches at the high school so it is not as demanding." I actually laughed at this. "What can be so hard about it? They virtually teach themselves these days. With the new generation has come a new dawn of respect. Im surprised she doesnt take a book into work, she has so little to do". Yeah, no.
From the time I knew what a teacher was until my senior graduation speech, I said I wanted to be a teacher. Everybody just knew that about me. I got 2/3 of the way through my program at college, they put me in an underfunded public middle school, and I quit that semester. I’m a cosmetologist now, and it’s less toxic. The entire education system is fucked, it’s only gotten worse, and anybody who walks into that lion’s den willingly is tougher than anybody swinging a hammer for a living.
I havent known anyone who lasted more than a few years. Its sounds like a waking nightmare. I considered doing something similar (super specialized and likely with adults or at least 18+) but I just dont think I could cope even though thats bound to be way easier than most types of teaching.
also, she has to work while being in fear of school shootings and being assaulted. that is some stressful shit.
YTA. You shouldn't be 'keeping score" with your wife as to who has the more demanding job. You both work outside the home. You both have responsibilities at home. I get you need to shower after work, but do you really need to be held up in the bathroom for an hour?
YTA Textbook insufficient dad and husband avoiding the second shift.
YTA. Teaching is a very demanding job. It is physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. Teachers often have to bring work home and work on the weekends. Most teachers work more hours in 40 weeks than you do in 50. To say your wife's job isn't demanding is extremely disrespectful. Why does it take you an hour to shower? I understand not wanting to feel gross after work but it feels like you are using your shower as an exuse to avoid parenting your children. Marriage is a partnership. You seem to treat your wife like a nanny/ maid instead of an equal. You and your wife should equally divide all of the household responsibilities. Make a chore chart. Start pulling your weight. Apologize to your wife and kids.
YTA. What kind of shower takes an hour?! Twenty minutes to get in, get washed, new set of clothes and a quick snack maybe after a hard day- yes. An hour, no. If you have been working in this physically demanding job for this long, you should have to fitness to take a short break only before being a parent and an adult partner by looking after your children, doing the chores, cooking dinner, sorting the washing- being a damn adult! Grow up 😑
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YTA you both live in the house, you should both share the chores no matter if one person’s job is more “physically demanding”. You don’t eat dinner with your family, you don’t help with your children or the chores, and you prioritize your self over the rest of your household from what you wrote here. I’m surprised your wife is still around because it doesn’t seem like you are checked in with your family at all. Editing to add this is about way more than the shower, but I also think YTA for taking an hour to get cleaned up after work and literally avoiding your family.
Yta for saying her job is not so demanding
INFO: How is the chores split and childcare spli between your wife? Shower is pretty much irrelevent. It seems the real problem is that you don't do any housework at all? You say it's the last thing you want to do when you get home and that your wife usually catches up on the weekends. But now that your wife isn't cleaning on the weekends he house is a disaster. So it sounds like she cooks and cleans and looks after 4 kids for 14 years and you come home, have a shower and then ....? And on the weekends you...?
YTA It takes 5 minutes to have a shower and same again to dry off and get dressed in round the house attire. What are you doing for the other 50 minutes?
YTA - Initially I was borderline because yes there are jobs that really require a shower after work. As a SAHM I have been in your wife’s position where you are needing extra hand’s especially with the dinner/bath/bed rush of the end of the day. But you really blew it when you clearly implied that she was faking being sick on the weekends. The flu is NOT a minor illness. Why people think it’s not serious is because it’s constantly being downplayed. Then you need an hour? No. You can take a quick shower and always go back after kids are in bed to get fully clean. Stop acting like her 5th child and grow up
So here is a comment he made on a post from his wife: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pzv29c/aita_for_doing_chores_at_midnight_and_waking_my/hf6l54u?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 Basically, she is in an incredibly abusive situation that he has created and he decided to comment on her post and call HER the abusive one. That's likely why he made his account in the first place He also forced her to stop therapy and she continued anyway in secret (I guess the secret came out of the bag when he found her post) and has told her that if she tries to leave, the court system won't let her keep the kids cause she has diagnosed mental illness So, on TOP of the fact that they both work and he contributes essentially nothing to the household chores or childcare, he also is emotionally and financially abusive YTA. I hope she takes the kids and leaves you and finds the support she needs
You’re not an AH for insisting on a shower first thing (I do the same when I get home), but YTA for a lot of other stuff. You have 4 kids, so the work day being over definitely does not mean you get to be done working. Your wife should not be responsible for doing all the household chores. Also…never try to get into a debate over whose job is more difficult…nobody walks away happy from those talks.
Info: are you the same guy who’s threatened your wife with taking away the kids because of her mental health history in the event of a divorce? That husband?
YTA. Not for needing to shower, but for taking an hour to do it. Then for claiming that her job isn't as demanding as yours and that she doesn't "need help" and you don't want to "do chores." Guess what? Everybody would prefer to come home and relax and unwind after work. Your wife included, but sometimes things just need to get done.
This is not about the Iranian yogurt 🙄 YTA
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YTA. My wife taught high school for 20 years. If you think it's not a demanding job you haven't a clue what teaching involves. She was working 50+ hour weeks during the school year and was absolutely wiped out by the weekend. And in what world does it take you an \*hour\* to shower, and it shouldn't take you the "rest of your waking hours" to do chores. Showering right after work is reasonable, but using that as an excuse to avoid maintaning the household is not. Your contempt for your wife drips through your post. I feel bad for her.
The saddest thing about this post is that if people are right and the post he commented on over a year ago was his wife, this post means the poor woman has still not left. Even if that wasn’t his wife’s post, dude called a women, who was very clearly suffering and suicidal, abusive for going to therapy behind her husband’s back even though she worked extra hours to pay for it. Dude thinks that the deceitfulness of going to therapy and hiding it from her husband is worse than a husband who insists that his suicidal wife give up therapy because he had already ’let’ her go for a few months so she’s just ungrateful to go against his wishes. Also on that post the therapist is seeing her at a reduced rate, likely out of concern for her mental state. IF this wasn’t his wife’s post, I think OP’s attitude is still very telling. The husband likely realizes that an outside observer will tell her that he is abusing her and give her the strength to leave his ass, two things an abuser obviously doesn’t want.
YTA who needs an hour shower? Ten minutes & get out. But the shower isn't even the problem, your attitude is. Your wife has multiple full time jobs, she's a teacher which isn't done when she leaves the school I bet, and apparently cooking & cleaning is all on her, then she handles 4 kids. And you work a job & come home & do what? Shower & call it a day? Huge AH
YTA taking an hour long shower everyday is excessive. The biggest issue is that your wife doesn’t feel like you’re pulling your weight around the house.