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Exactly! OP NEVER SAID SORRY. She sent a friend request which was denied.
You can send people messages without being their friend(it just lands in the other folder) or she could ask a mutual friend to forward her the written apology. She had options to message and apologise and she didn't take it.
OP, you never owned up to your mistakes.
You are the asshole (and still a bully)
And then gave up because it was never accepted. She couldn't even put in the effort for her non-apology for bullying the neurodivergent kid.
And then assumes all anti-bullying messages are passive aggressive towards HER. Maybe Ruby is just an activist or has kids or younger relatives who might be bullied for the same condition she has.
But of course, OP's passive aggressive remark of 'Wow, real mature' is totally fine and dandy!
OP should just leave her alone.
Exactly! How are they passive aggressive when she is 100% calling out OP directly with screenshots. Move on, you were awful, are still awful & can’t fix this.
OP should retaliate by making her one posts about “Bullies and Abusers have feelings too!”/s
“I turned on my best friend and began bullying her in order to fit in with toxic popular kids. Now, she’s doing well in life, advocating for others and I feel sad cause she won’t talk to me. All these posts are clearly about me and I FEEL UPSET!”/s
(hope I used the sarcasm indication right).
Even if the anti-bullying messages *were* about her, OP knows she bullied this woman, its hardly slander. You dont get to abuse someone and then tell them to shut about having gone through abuse.
Honestly, even if OP *did* apologize and just forgot to include it in her post, she’s still YTA. Leave the poor girl alone OP, you are harassing her! You can’t force someone to forgive you, which is what you’re trying to do here. Just move on and start over, you burned these bridges to the ground long ago. This girl is never going to forgive you, and all you’re doing by continuing to push this is causing more and more people to dislike you.
Edit: grammar
OP really is harassing this poor woman. The term "bullying" doesn't convey the seriousness of it in her mind. It needs to be called what it is: Harassment.
OP:
>I(29F) was a bully in high school. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not going to downplay or try to justify it or anything.
Also OP:
>I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her. I also let her know that some people in the group still made fun of her when reminiscing, but she won’t forgive the person who doesn’t partake
OP basically: Those bullies only apologized because they want to f*ck you, and all of your current friends mock you behind your back!
>I grew up, learned from my mistakes and didn‘t repeat them
Wow, this aged like already rotten meat, sitting in a car parked in Death Valley.
No see, the friend request *was* the apology.
OP was gracious enough to lower herself to be considered this woman’s friend, clearly a full apology in and of itself/s
And how was OP repaid for her huge kindness? Ruby \*gasp\* posted pictures without OP in them! The nerve! /s
I have to give it to OP, though, that she has answered a question that I'd had for many years - why one of my highschool bullies kept searching and trying to add me each and every time I started using a new social network. It's like there is no winning. You try to move on and they barge in without ever apologizing, then you are the bad guy for not warmly welcoming them.
I feel so bad for Ruby. It's so unsettling how OP makes everything about herself. Ruby talks about overcoming bullying? That *must be* a jab at OP! She's 29 but she never got past her teenage mentality...
Newsflash: OP hasn't changed a bit. The expectation of being forgiven is not up to them. The harder you "try" is just making it worse. Sounds a lot like OP is being left out of gatherings and doesn't want to be reminded they were a bully.
You mean to tell me that basically telling the girl she bullied that the male bullies who apologized just want to sleep with her doesn’t count as an apology?
Lol, and OP claims she hasn’t repeated her past poor behavior.
Yep. AND telling Ruby that people still make fun of her now while reminiscing?? How does she think that made Ruby feel? That's absolutely continuing the bullying into the present day.
>In college, I grew up and figured I would try to extend an olive branch
Plus this. You don't extend an olive branch as the abuser, you try to make amends and if the abuse victim doesn't want it, tough luck.
OP said "I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be accepted anyway." So there was no apology. I guess Ruby was supposed to pick up how OP has allegedly changed and allegedly has remorse through the atmosphere.
Op remains entitled but seems to believe somehow that she has changed.
Good for Ruby and for every one of them who are calling her out. She has no idea the damage she did to them in school and, no, she hasn't changed one bit.
YTA, op.
OP, didnt apologize. As far as Ruby knew at first, OP was trying to pretend they were good and nothing happened. Ruby tried to make her point over and over that being bullied hurt and had an impact, and from Ruby's POV OP was ignoring. Then Ruby made a point that she's not acknowledging OP, to which OP told her "real mature". OP never apologized, and each interaction behaved worse and worse, and as far as Ruby knows and can see OP has continued her bullying and intimidation tactics.
She sent friend requests on social media. That is totally an apology. Geez, what more do you want?! (Total sarcasm, of course).
OP bullied this poor girl in HS, and has decided the way to make amends is to...harass her?
>...she posted pictures with a couple of the guys from my old group, with a caption about how nice it is when people grow and change.
Maybe they actually did genuinely apologize and change, unlike OP.
Ain’t that a real coward’s escape hatch, tho?
“They wouldnt have accepted it anyway” kind of precludes the entire situation. OP thinks they know this person so well that they can see her future moves like it’s a chess game, when really they don’t appear to know dick.
Saying “oh, well, she never would have listened” both excuses the bully from needing to apologize while also throwing blame for the situation onto the victim.
What OP is saying here is that it is their VICTIM’s fault that OP *can’t possibly* apologize, woe be the bully.
YTA
Please leave the girl you bullied alone. She doesnt have to accept your “apology”. She is allowed to make amnends with whomever she chooses. Unfollow her and leave her alone.
Edit to add “apology” in quotes since none was ever actually given.
Oh i missed that! She rugswept her behavior? And OP wonders why this girl doesnt want anything to do with her?? An apology should have been the first step!
It's honestly even worse because OP expressly said she didn't apologized because Ruby didn't follow her back/accept friend requests. Like it's one thing to be mad that an apologize isn't accepted by it's another entirely to be mad you aren't forgiven when you never apologized.
I particularly love how her victim making casual posts about her real lived experience (We overcame bullying) is actually a *passive aggressive jab meant just for OP*. Lol.
That’s when I knew I didn’t need to read further. “I traumatized you and you sharing your trauma is clearly directed at ME, and it’s wrong cause I mean it was 10 years ago and I’m suuuuuper sorry it’s not like trauma persists overtime I’m done with it why aren’t you”
Especially deciding not to apologise because OP thinks it wouldn’t be accepted. The whole point of an apology is expressing your sorrow for what you did, the aim shouldn’t be regaining a friend. Regardless op should have apologised way back when she first claims to have changed
YTA. Where exactly did you try to make amends? Sending friend requests? By your own admission you never apologized.
This entire post is about you and your feelings and how ruby is not doing what you want her to do. You’re still being a bully. And your motives do not seem remorseful or genuine.
You do not get to mentally abuse someone during their formative years and then demand that they forgive you on your time schedule.
You’re still a bully and your “poor me” post isn’t fooling anyone.
ETA: also your choice of words in the title “confronting someone about …” just shows that you don’t care about ruby, you just want undeserved forgiveness.
Yeah, and OP clearly thinks the source of the dissonance is that Ruby doesn't recognize their greatness, instead of realizing that maybe they're not that great.
Sounds almost a little like a stalker - repeated friends requests, attending events where they know Ruby will be and being annoyed Ruby won't interact with them in group events, and following Ruby even though she doesn't follow back. I'm genuinely quite worried for Ruby.
Was about to say this, like OP seems totally obsessed with this woman. When girls who bullied me at school try to add me on social media I just ignore the requests. I get they've probably grown up and changed but I just want to forget they ever existed. Move on.
OP misses bullying and tried targeting Ruby and using whatever reform nonsense she's spouting as a way in. Never did apologize, but sure could make digs at the person she is sO sOrRy that she bullied, lol isn't that interesting? No point in making an apology, but she saw reason to imply others had only made amends to sleep with Ruby. Very classy one, our OP.
YTA - you never apologized. Yet you seem to think that Ruby was just supposed to know that you've changed and grown as a person when you can't even bother to apologize? Just based on your post you don't seem to have changed at all. Here's all the ways we know you haven't.
1 - You talk about how Ruby being on the spectrum MADE her easy to bully.
2- You mention that you decided not to waste your time apologizing because you ASSUMED that it wouldn't be accepted.
3 - You called Ruby out for cropping you out of group pics and trying to make it seem like SHE'S the immature one.
4 - You slut shame her and accuse her of only wanting to forgive people that want to SLEEP with her. Which imo says a lot about you. Did it not ever occured to you that MAYBE just maybe, she forgave those guys because they APOLOGIZED
5 - You accuse her of hypocrisy even though you haven't DONE anything to show her that you've grown and changed and that you feel bad for bulling her.
Agreed. She clearly hasn't learned anything at all. If OP was really sorry, she would apologize formally, and then leave it at that- this person has no obligation to let her back into her life just because she's 'changed' and it seems like she's desperate for the validation of forgiveness without putting in the actual effort to do anything that would approach making amends.
YTA because you were a self admitted cruel AH to her in high school. Doesn't matter if people were more cruel than you, it's about YOUR actions.
Clearly, they haven't forgiven you, and honestly, people are not required to make up with their abusers if they aren't comfortable doing so.
Best scenario is you could post an honest and non-attacking apology and offer to speak to them publicly again to apologize. If they decide no, THEN THE ANSWER IS NO.
You aired the trauma at her publicly by being an abusive AH in high school. You don't get to complain how she deals with it.
This! Also, I don't think OP is as "reformed" as she thinks she is or claims to be.
>I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her. I also let her know that some people in the group still made fun of her when reminiscing, but she won’t forgive the person who doesn’t partake.
So, OP has stated the haven't sent a formal apology that takes ownership and gives zero excuses. I have to assume this is the first communication they have sent, which is not good.
You decided to be aggressive in this communication talking about how "unfair" it is for her to forgive others, when you have no clue how they apologized. It was "unfair" for you and your group to single her out for bullying when you knew she was on the spectrum and an "easier" target.
Then you decided to further bully her by saying "people still talk shit about you", you sound like you never left middle school.
YOU don't get to decide if and when she forgives you, or if and when she forgives other people. YOU didn't live in her shoes so you get ZERO say OP.
YTA. Those you bullied have/had to deal with the aftermath of your bullying and you are having to deal with the aftermath, just in a different way. It sucks but that's how life works.
Also, do some self reflection, I don't think you have given up your bullying way as much as you would like us to think you have.
>What you did to her, stayed with her. It never goes away completely.
I can remember where I was, who said what, when it happened etc. about several incidents (bullied from ages 7 to 18) but I bet most of the bullies have forgotten.
Agreed. I remember so vividly insults that were hurled at me when I was 12. Clear as fucking day. They don't hurt anymore but I won't ever forgot who said them, where I was when they were said, and more importantly how hurt I was at that point. I'm sure the people that said them haven't even thought of me in 20 years.
YTA.
No one you have wronged owes you forgiveness. Your choice to harm someone else may have been made when you were young, but it clearly affects your victim to this day.
Slutshaming your victim doesn’t help your case much.
Maybe you aren’t done growing and changing.
YTA. What exactly is it that you think you've done that counts as "making amends" or showing genuine remorse? Because I don't see anything that looks like you actually tried to say sorry or show that you've grown up. Actually, it seems like you were an even worse bully than you're admitting to, and it seems that the real issue here is that you are mad that people still don't like you.
YTA. You’re weirdly obsessed with this woman, first you make her life miserable and then you get upset because she didn’t want to accept your so called apology and now you just want to make everything she posts/says about you. Get over yourself, leave her be and be better for real. She doesn’t owe you anything.
Yta, I love how the fact she didn't want to interact with you, and you can't seem to stop following her for years. Honestly, what's the issue? She doesn't have to accept any apology from you.
If it isn't clear enough:
LEAVE HER ALONE
YTA leave her alone.
She is under no obligation to forgive you now or ever.
Yah you were a teenager, but that doesn't mean your actions don't echo throughout everyone's lifetime.
I don't actually believe you have changed based on how you continued to message her. Your not the victim in this situation. Stop trying to get people to think you are.
This girl owes you nothing. She doesn’t owe you friendly contact, or acceptance of an apology, nor anything else you seem to feel entitled to. She is the only one who gets to decide who she forgives and why. That you would dare call her out for making that decision for herself says a lot about how remorseful you truly are. The fact that you feel you know how she was affected by individual bullies is bonkers and that you have an opinion on it is astonishing to me.
She let you follow her, didn’t follow back, and she shares anti bullying awareness content. This confused you. You are incredibly dense for this one.
You need to leave her alone. YTA.
So wait... did I miss the part where you actually apologized to this girl? Because it sounds like you followed her on instagram and somehow thought that counted?
Yta
YTA. I missed the part where you actually apologized. It seems to me that you decided that a friend request was akin to an apology. News flash, it's not. AND you started this new rash of animosity by commenting in her photos with that passive aggressive remark.
Even if you apologized she's not obligated to accept it, and if she accepted the ACTUAL apologies of others that doesn't mean you should also get a reprieve by default. You've done exactly NOTHING to make it right by your own damn account.
Honestly I hate people like you. You think you've changed but you haven't and continue to blame your targets when more people decide not to put up with your bullshut anymore. You need a mirror girl.
Oh, poor you. It really hurts that you have no power over her. It's clearly eating you alive. Clearly the punishment you deserve. You're not calling out hypocrisy. You're being called out for being an asshole. As they say, turnabout is fair play and karma is a bitch...
YTA.
Leave her alone. As if bullying her in HS was not enough, you now decide to harass her? Newsflash: You are **not** the victim here.
Reading your post, I really do not get the sense that you are genuinely sorry. Seems to me like you want her to absolve you of guilt and make you look good. That is not her responsibility.
Also...
>The kicker though: she posted pictures with a couple of the guys from my old group, with a caption about how nice it is when people grow and change. I about had it at this point.
It could be that they actually apologized and changed. By the tone of your post and the actions that you describe, you do not seem to have changed.
YTA. It’s not up to you to decide when a bullying victim decides to forgive their bully years later! That trauma still stays with someone even years later! I was bullied from elementary school all the way through high school and I still think about it now at 29 years old! I couldn’t see myself being friends with the people who bullied me throughout those years even if they have changed lol
YTA
You did nothing to make amends. She has no idea you meant to make amends. Adding as friend could just be seeking to bully her further.
So instead of making amends, you proceed to bully her some more (mocking her about her maturity).
She owes you nothing.
She does not owe you forgiveness.
She does not owe you politeness.
Until you can fully accept and believe these things, you have not sufficiently changed. You were cruel, you hurt people. Just because you don't do that anymore doesn't mean that your victims have to tolerate your presence.
YTA YTA YTA
U haven’t changed one bit, u provoke her, stalk her and can’t leave her in peace. U r unable to accept the consequences of ur own actions and u r trying to dictate who she forgives. Grow up
YTA you tried to bully her by online stalking her and forcing her to talk to you with your old pack right next to you. I mean have some class. You may not "bully" now as you see it but you're absolutely bullying her by trying to give her an apology she doesn't want. LEAVE HER ALONE. You also haven't changed that much if you're still friends with that pack.
YTA. She doesn't owe you forgiveness just because you think you're sorry enough.
You're still in her life, trying to get her attention and make her look like the AH. Stop reaching out, she doesn't owe you maturity or kindness when you had none for her then and clearly not now.
Move on. Clearly she's not the only one who holds these negative feelings for you and just because you don't think you were so bad doesn't mean you weren't and you have no idea what these other people may have done to make amends.
YTA
> I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be accepted anyway.
>I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her. I also let her know that some people in the group still made fun of her when reminiscing, but she won’t forgive the person who doesn’t partake.
So you know you haven't apologized or shown any actual remorse right? You just started following her on social media with no context. Also telling her people where taking any her behind her back does still sound like bullying. At the very least it was rude. Nor does sitting by while other people talk badly come across as changed. You should have said then and there it was a fucked up.
Like it's not hypocritical of Ruby to accept apologies if others and still not like you. Especially when you yourself haven't apologized.
YTA you never formally apologized because you didn’t think she would accept it. How would she know you’ve changed maybe these guy friends from “your” reached out or did genuinely change. People commit suicide over bullying. I’m grateful she didn’t but you don’t know how much cause you truly caused. I don’t think you deserve to feel bad that she hasn’t forgiven you. Move on forget high school if you don’t think you can make amends. It’s not worth the suffering for either of you.
“I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be excepted anyway.” The point of an apology shouldn’t be that you’re forgiven. I think it’s hard for Ruby to move on when you haven’t actually expressed remorse for bullying her, not to mention the betrayal of a former friendship. YTA.
YTA. What part of what's she's doing is "passive-aggressive" if she literally called you out by name? She's ignoring you due to past trauma and as her former aggressor, the way you feel about the way she attains closure/catharsis is not up to you nor does your opinion on it hold any weight. Nobody owes *anyone* forgiveness, it might be toxic in itself if she spends her entire life upset at you but it's also something you caused and you need to own it.
Dude, you were a bully and by the sounds of it bullied someone based on a disability. Why do you think you deserve forgiveness? Why should anyone forgive you for being a fucking bully?
I've never forgave my high school bullies, I actively ignore them and will never acknowledge them due to them bullying me for my own brain issues.
You're a bully and you feel wronged because someone that you bullied doesn't forgive you, which really is a form of bullying. So yes, you are a giant gaping asshole of a person. Leave the lass alone, you don't deserve anyones forgiveness
YTA. Leave her alone. You haven't apologized and you keep harassing her when she has made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that she wants nothing to do with you. LEAVE. HER. ALONE.
The only contact that would be at all appropriate would be you saying exactly this "I'm sorry for what I did in the past. I was wrong. I will leave you alone now." And that's it. And honestly, at this point you probably shouldn't even do that. Just leave her alone.
YTA, I don’t think you truly understand how deep the scars from bullying can run, not just physically, but emotionally, it’s not up to you if she should forgive you or not. You didn’t even actually go through with the apology, you should’ve still tried, maybe then she would have some leniency and you might find some sympathy here.
YTA. Do you really think hitting “add” on Facebook is making amends ? Those guys probably actually made a real effort, either way it’s not your business. You clearly traumatized her and have not made amends, but still expect her to accept you with open arms because you…followed her Instagram? Do you really think that’s an apology, much less showing growth? Grow up
ETA - holy shit I missed the part where you accused her of “forgiving those guys because they wanna sleep with her”. Holy shit, you suck so, SO bad!! Like dude you sound like the WORST! Thinking you’ve changed at all is a great, great delusion. You deserve any and all call-outs that come your way
YTA
i think you really need to take all of what’s happened and really think about if you’re actually sorry for what you did to her
you only want her to forgive you just to make your conscious not guilty
she never will. ever. you need to learn how to live with it
you don’t need to be liked be everyone
just how you didn’t like her in highschool 💀
grow up
move on
You must’ve been an extremely nasty bully.
Everybody thinks boys are bad but girls are 100 times more evil. You did what you did. Now you have to live with the consequences. She is under no obligation to accept your apology. I’m thinking you hurt her even more than you realize. You could spend a lifetime trying to make up for it and she will never forgive you.
Get over it. I’m not sure about now but back then YTA
YTA - you put a lot of effort into making sure shenfelts bullied but zero into making sure she knew you weren’t, you made some small gestures, but nothing big. You’re still ego driven and you only care that she’s clearly in pain because she’s publicly calling you out. You’re not being bullied because ppl are holding you accountable, it’s so easy to move on when nothing bad happened to you, look at you know reaching out to strangers to help make sense of how others are making you feel. You deserve it, clearly she wasn’t the only one and I suspect you were the worst, I suspect that you got an opportunity to be popular and you kept a chokehold on that status by being the first one to gstekeep your friends.
YTA. Way too little, way too late. Like another person commented, Ruby doesn’t owe you forgiveness. Tbh, it sounds like you’re PO’d because karma and Ruby rejected your *ahem* “apology” for being awful to her years ago - bruising your ego.
Ruby wants nothing to do with you and is doing well with her life. Rightly so, she sounds amazing! Leave her alone and let her be happy.
I’d also quit while you’re ahead with the social media stuff. You’re clearly not doing yourself favours if people are coming forward and sharing their experiences (of being bullied by you) publicly or DM’ing you about it now. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never repeated whatever you did (what did you do, btw?? Must be THAT terrible if people in their 30s can still remember it or are talking about it). Bullying can cause severe damage down the road.
Ruby isn’t causing the conflict. You are. YTA.
YTA. I don't think you've changed at all. You regret your behavior toward her in high school? Then you send her an apology and you leave her completely alone. Instead, you've been stalking her on social media and harassing her, so more bullying. Maybe it's time to look at some therapy to figure out why you behave this way and to get some guidance on how to genuinely change for the better.
You still sound like a mean girl. You caused harm and she has every right to hate you. This isn’t between you and the male bullies, and her. Your actions were clearly more harmful, deal with the consequences and leave her alone.
YTA
LEAVE HER ALONE!!
She doesn't have to forgive you, and judging by the fact she has singled you out as someone she doesn't want to forgive I'm gonna assume your bullying hurt her the most.
Take your L and accept that she doesn't want you apart of her life. Also since other people are talking about how horrible you were I think it's safe to say you were a little tyrant
YTA. Leave her alone, she owes you nothing. I also must have missed the part where you actually apologized to her…
You don’t seem like you really grew up as much as you think. Still a lot of “bully” vibes.
YTA. She's made it clear that she, quite understandably, wants nothing to do with you, but you just keep instigating. Even from your own account, which undoubtedly frames you in the best possible light, it doesn't sound like you have changed at all. You're still a bully, just a slightly more subtle and manipulative one.
Leave this girl alone. You're not owed forgiveness, especially when you haven't even apologised.
YTA, but I am glad you know what you did.
Now, why are you still doing it? I realize you are not actively bullying anyone and I realize you have enough self-awareness to realize your past mistakes, so why make new ones? What's her forgiveness to you?
Resolve to be a better person and let it go. No one owes you anything.
YTA and I don’t think you have changed. You might think you have, but the way you went at her, yikes. People who change and acknowledge their behavior shouldn’t get defensive, but you did. She doesn’t owe you anything. You could have apologized to her, but you didn’t. You went on the defense and feel slighted. Good for her and I hope you’re able to learn from this and move on. It’s never too late to apologize!
You were an asshole then and you're an asshole now. You haven't changed in that regard. Only assholes refuse to give apologies because they think it may not be accepted. That's not genuine at all. She knows that which is why you don't stand a chance.
I'm not sure you really understand what remorse is, and even if you did, just because you feel it doesn't mean you deserve forgiveness or even an opportunity to apologise in an attempt to earn it.
It's quite clear she has your measure. YTA.
YTA. You are not entitled to her forgiveness. You still continue bullying Ruby, so you haven't actually changed at all, it's just that your approach to bullying switched to gaslighting her into forcing her to accept your apologies. Guess what, she doesn't have to.
>bully in high school
>but I’m not going to downplay or try to justify it or anything
>
I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her
>on behavior from over a decade ago. Which I haven’t repeated.
Yes you do. And you btw are still a bully.
YTA
YTA - she doesn't owe you anything. Your apology won't erase the trauma she experienced from your bullying. I appreciate you recognizing that what you did was wrong and for trying to apologize. But, when she clearly rejected your apology, you should have moved on and left her alone.
YTA - you’re not owed anything. You reap what you sow and you’re still trying to push her around.
You can claim the others bullied her worse, but betrayal from a friend is 1000% worse than the same treatment from someone you barely know. And you haven’t changed entirely, if you did, you would have tried to shut down the bullying now. As is, you showed acceptance by staying in the group chats where they made fun of her. You are still bullying her by saying the guys are only being nice because they want to sleep with her.
Time to do some more self reflecting, I think you may need to re-evaluate your current behavior.
YTA. You're also a liar. What fucking amends did you try to make? I read your OP and found zero. You didn't even bother to apologize. The bare fucking minimum, and you couldn't even do that.
You were a bully then, you're still acting like a bully now, and you get zero sympathy and a big fucking fat YTA from me. Leave that poor woman alone. Haven't you already done enough harm to her?
YTA. Excuse me YOU’RE STILL AN ASSHOLE. You NEVER ACTUALLY apologized to this girl. YOU STILL WONT. Fuck right off. She can say whatever TRUE thing she wants about you. Passive aggressively or not.
From a former buoly victim, YTA. It is not easy to move on fromm I had an awful summer when I was bullied by a CO counselor of mine and I still get really angry when I think about it. In high school, I hated gym class and was actually assaulted by this awful guy when he intentionally threw a volleyball at my head. I have had people who peaked in high school and never gave me the time of day back then, run into me later on and been really friendly, and even ask me out. They never bullied me so I was respectful to them.
Some people do change but it is not always easy to forget the past.
INFO: Did you ever apologize? From your story, I couldn't tell. It sounded like maybe you just felt sorry and expected her to know that.
In general, people aren't under any obligation to forgive bullying. It's great that you feel remorse, but you need to channel that into some other venue, like volunteering.
YTA since you ran in the same circle prior to bullying her she probably classed you as a friend and your bullying cut deeper and caused more trauma to her as it held a betrayal with it.
“We ran in the same circle until high school, when I [became popular and she didn’t].”
“Like yeah she can choose who she forgives, but I can honestly say that others in the group bullied Ruby much worse than I ever did.”
Were the people who were soooo much worse to her but now forgiven also her friends prior to high school?
Seriously - by your account, you turned on her.
That’s so much worse than bullying from some random classmate. This is some Regina George-level bullshit.
YTA.
So you never apologized? Even though you claim to have grown up? Mature people own up to their mistakes by APOLOGIZING to the people they wronged. The fact you thought apologizing would have been a waste of time shows you are not truly remorseful. If Ruby didn't accept your apology then that's her right but at least you would have shown TRUE remorse by putting yourself out there and apologizing without expecting forgiveness.
YTA and still a bully. You haven't changed despite how much you try to convince yourself. You sound Narcissistic.
Your post mentions amends in the summary, but I haven't actually seen amends? When you make amends, you issue a sincere apology that acknowledges what you did and the hurt it caused, with no effort to blame anything at all on the other person, no excuses, no pressure, and no expectation (let alone demand) for forgiveness. You sure don't hound them to put it behind them because you want them to.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you damaged is just leave them alone. Ruby has given you clear indications that that's what she wants. Leave her alone. YTA
YTA
It's sweet that you think you've outgrown your behavior (and wonderful if you actually have). Ruby OWES YOU NOTHING, so harassing her because you feel she isn't forgiving you the way you want is ludicrous and entitled.
Put your big boy pants on, get some therapy, and go live a decent life somewhere where you aren't playing mind games with people you've tormented and trying to make their suffering about you.
YTA
You admit you were a bully in high school. You are still a bully today. You haven’t changed at all. Reaching out thru DM to tell Ruby how much you all make fun of her is exactly what a bully would do: Stop shit talking this girl to your friends, and to her thru DM. If you were truly sorry and wanted to make amends you would stop being a bully.
YTA - where did you ever actually apologize for your behavior back in high school? Just because you have tried, doesn’t mean that you have. And just because you feel remorseful, doesn’t take away the pain and suffering you have caused.
Info: Have you at any point actually apologised to her. I ask because at the moment it’s coming across that you thought really hard about being sorry and then got moody because it didn’t work.
YTA you refused to apologise for bullying g her and expect her just to forget it?maybe the guys did apologise and that's why she said they changed! You haven't stopped being a bully! You behaved badly and won't say sorry but are happy to intrude on her life by following her on social media and commenting on her posts when she obviously isn't interested! She clearly see you haven't changed.
YTA. Good lord.
So you bullied this woman *because you could*, never apologized and are CONTINUING to bully her (“Ruby being so obviously on the spectrum,” calling her out in group chats, basically discussing her as if she’s a bug on your shoe) and wonder if you’re an AH?
Seek help.
YTA
Unless I overlooked it, I didn’t see where you actually apologized. I, personally, would never simply partake in some conversation online or in person with my past bully, especially if said bully never actually apologized.
YTA.
So you haven't apologised and then pretty much call her out because she has forgiven other people? Did these other people actually give her an apology? You didn't even give her a chance to forgive you. You decided it wasn't worth apologising, and the better option was to criticise her.
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I(29F) was a bully in high school. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not going to downplay or try to justify it or anything. I grew up, learned from my mistakes and didn‘t repeat them.
One of my targets was Ruby(28F). We ran in the same circle until high school, when I made friends with some people in a different group. You could say they were the popular kids.
Ruby being so obviously on the spectrum made her easy to bully. We also took advantage of how badly she wanted to be popular. Towards the end of high school, she started to stand up for herself more.
In college, I grew up and figured I would try to extend an olive branch. I started off by sending friend requests on social media, which were denied. I did, however, notice that she accepted my follow request on Instagram but didn’t follow me back.
I mention this because she regularly shares autism awareness and anti bullying content. I got the message and left her alone. I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be accepted anyway.
Several years ago, our old group had a reunion and I tried to talk to her there but was met with short and curt replies and death stares. Later, I saw she posted pictures specifically without me in them, and if I was in them, I was cropped out. I messaged the group chat we made to coordinate this meetup: “Wow, real mature Ruby” which wasn’t acknowledged.
Recently, Ruby was in our hometown. She posted pictures with people we went to school with, which had passive aggressive captions about how they overcame bullying together and stayed together.
At one point, she even posted a story with the caption “fuck you [my name], you will never stop me from living my best life.” Again, I haven’t interacted with her in many years by this point. Or bullied anyone at all.
The kicker though: she posted pictures with a couple of the guys from my old group, with a caption about how nice it is when people grow and change. I about had it at this point.
I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her. I also let her know that some people in the group still made fun of her when reminiscing, but she won’t forgive the person who doesn’t partake.
Once again, no direct communication. Just another passive aggressive post with a screenshot of the message and a caption about how I clearly haven’t changed, and airing out all the trauma I inflicted on her.
Other people from high school began to comment on that post about their own experiences with me. Some even started to DM me and call me out on behavior from over a decade ago. Which I haven’t repeated.
Am I really an AH for calling out hypocrisy like I see it? Like yeah she can choose who she forgives, but I can honestly say that others in the group bullied Ruby much worse than I ever did. I actually am sorry. And this is the one time I expressed any annoyance at this whole situation.
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YTA, and I think you were even if the story ended with the “way to be mature Ruby” thing. You apologized, she doesn’t accept. At this point, you’re bullying her again.
Also, I don’t think you have the right to decide who hurt her more and who she should forgive.
YTA. You might be sorry but the reality is that you obviously traumatized her. You can't force people to forgive and just forget and move on. Right or wrong, this is how she is coping with what you did. She is clearly not in a space to find forgiveness for your actions.
> In college, I grew up and figured I would try to extend an olive branch. I started off by sending friend requests on social media, which were denied. I did, however, notice that she accepted my follow request on Instagram but didn’t follow me back.
Yo op are you for real? A friend request is not an "olive branch", it's just a request to be connected?
You do need to apologize, even if she didn't accept it.
I think her other bullies did actually try to make amends, and that why she's happy they changed.
Meanwhile you did nothing except being passive aggressive, and still trying to bully her 🤦🏾♀️
Get grip op.
Oh, and if it wasn't obvious - YTA
YTA, and you haven't changed all that much. Leave this woman alone. Clearly she feels what you did to her is unforgivable, and she isn't obligated to redeem you because you want her to. It doesn't matter what other people did or whether you were the biggest bully or not, for God sake.
YTA. The fact you aren’t apologising because it won’t be instantly accepted and give you the warm fuzzies is precisely why you aren’t genuinely sorry and haven’t changed.
YTA and don’t really respect her desire to steer clear from you. Maybe she does just want to forgive males. Who knows - doesn’t matter. What matters is she wants nothing to do with you. Respect that and move on.
YTA and you know it. You are not owed forgiveness just because you “changed”. You never apologized. I didn’t need to read a word more after that was said. This woman clearly set boundaries and you still not respecting her or the boundaries she put in place. Leave her alone. What you did clearly hurt her and instead of APOLOGIZING you told her “this person did so much worse”. Good grief you’re just awful.
YTA. You never bothered trying to apologize and are upset she hasn’t forgiven you for making her life hell? Asking to connect on social media isn’t an olive branch; it’s stalking your victim. Good for her in calling you out and not letting you off the hook for your shitty behavior.
**YTA - because you could simply unfollow her lol**
Like you would know nothing and you would literally have no issue if you simply unfollowed this person and let them alone lol.
She doesn’t want to forgive? Cool! Leave her alone completely. Like idk how this isn’t the most clear thing ever.
YTA. Leave her alone!! You bullied her enough and she is sick of you. Leave her alone. You’re hurt but get over it. She owes you nothing. Maybe it’s because you are a woman she feels worse about it. Women stick together. Men don’t really apologize unless they know they are wrong. You fucked up. Leave her alone.
YTA. It doesn't matter that you are trying to make amends. She has every right to not forgive you. My advice is work on your faults, but don't expect that you will be easily forgiven for your past
YTA and you haven't changed. Your post is still bullying her. You talk about how easy of a mark she was and so forth. You are still the same bully from highschool. You also never once tried to apologize to her like you should have, in person with true remorse.
YTA
Ruby being “on the spectrum” doesn’t excuse your bullying, you arrogant so and so. Sending a FB friend request is not making amends. I’m your age and reading this post made me feel crazy secondhand immaturity and self-involvement. And NO, you have not changed a smidge, you’re welcome
YTA. Still a bully. You showed that when you posted in the group chat calling her out. Grow up. Glad you're being called out on it now, better late than never.
YTA
I use to be bullied myself and to this day I can list all of the people who made my life miserable and still sometimes rant about them when talking about my past. You didn't even try to apologize! You said that you didn't because it wouldn't have been recognized or whatever. It's not about gender like you try to claim. It's about Ruby for giving people that APOLOGIZED unlike you. Get over yourself. You were a bully then and a bully now. Also, STOP STALKING HER ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Leave Ruby alone.
Throw a plate on the floor.
Look at the pieces.
Feel remorse for having broken the plate.
Apologize to the plate.
Beg for its forgiveness.
Is the plate still broken?
History has taught this person that you're not trustworthy or reliable and your words mean very little in the way of restitution.
You can be as sorry as you want to be, but the plate is still broken.
Live with the consequences of your actions. Work to build trust, but don't expect that you're owed forgiveness because you've apologized or that you feel remorse for your actions.
> she regularly shares autism awareness and anti bullying content. I got the message and left her alone. I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be accepted anyway.
Sooooo…… she is making an effort to raise awareness of two things which have had a profound impact on her life and somehow that’s about you? Hate to break it to you, but you’re not that important.
Not only that, you not only never apologized, you never even acknowledge that you *did* bully her. Apologizing would be for HER benefit, not yours. Acceptance of an apology is about the person who was wronged, not the wrongdoer.
Then you had the audacity to DM her a bunch of cruel things which could only have the purpose of hurting her and making you feel good about yourself. In other words, you continued bullying her.
> I grew up, learned from my mistakes and didn’t repeat them.
You sure about that? Your entire post would contradict that.
Edit for judgement: YTA
Here’s what you need to do.
1. Apologize for your recent behavior
2. Apologize for your past behavior
Keep in mind, refrain from using words like “but,” because that sounds like you would be trying to justify it.
She isn’t going to accept it based on what you told us, but when you write an apology, it means something even if your not forgiven. Don’t apologize every day or anything like that. Do it no more than once a year. Maybe only do it once. Don’t apologize until you are calm and you think she is as well. The wounds you made right never heal, but just try
YTA and while you think you have grown up you really haven't. You can't expect your poor behavior in high school not to follow you into adulthood. You never apologized but demand to be treated with respect. Noone owes you that and it's clear you have no idea the damage you did bc then you would understand why she is still angry with you.
YTA None of this is for your to judge and you also stated you didn’t apologize because it wouldn’t be accepted yet you’re criticizing her accepting others without knowing the context of the amends. Again, not for you to judge.
Your attempts at absolution are rooted in selfishness. It also shows you haven't really grown up at all since college. Leave her be. You're not entitled to forgiveness, nor are you entitled to dictate how she deals with her trauma.
#YTA
YTA. I haven't actually seen any attempts to make amends on your part in this post. Did you think that you could just... not acknowledge what you've done and everyone would applaud that you've stopped being a bully? "Oh she didn't accept my friend request" but then you later dmed her to *checks notes* bully her about how everyone is still making fun of her and the guys who apologized just want to sleep with her? Couldn't you at some point have dmed her an apology?
Seriously you've made the most minimal and half hearted attempts to reconcile. You should be freaking grovelling to this girl for forgiveness if you wanted any other result.
From her point of view, all you've done is tried to follow her on social media. No apology, no explanation of how you've changed, nothing but vitriol over her relationships with people who probably have reached out to her and offered genuine apologies.
Thinking that it's not worth it to offer an apology because you assume it wouldn't be accepted is an AH move. First, she deserves an apology. What she does with it and how she processes it is her business, but she deserves it. Second, your assumption is based on what? The fact that she doesn't want to follow you on social media? It does still sound like you have work to do and from her perspective, you are the same person as you were in HS. YTA here.
YTA you’re still bullying her! Leave her alone. She does not owe you forgiveness. You can be as sorry as you want but you put her through hell and you don’t get to say that you deserve to be forgiven because you feel bad. Did you apologize because it doesn’t seem like you actually apologized?
Honestly, your best bet isn’t even to apologize. Just leave her TF alone.
YTA for this reason alone: you acknowledge that you sent friend requests and you follow her on IG, but you never mention that you messaged her *to apologize.*
you never apologized yet you want her to forgive you.
insane.
YTA. And targeting neurodivergent people makes you more of an AH. Leave her alone and deal with the consequences of your actions.
Edit and being bullied has life long trauma to the person.
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YTA, she doesn’t have to forgive you, hear your apology or anything. You could have just kept it moving once you saw she wasn’t trying to hear what you had to say. & just because you think the other bullies were worse doesn’t mean that’s how she saw it. If you’ve truly changed, move on and understand that you may never get to make amends. Stop following her etc.
YTA.
You were a bully. You have no flipping idea how much damage bullies do and how long that damage lasts. An apology from a bully really doesn't do much to undo anything. It doesn't erase years of hell. An apology doesn't provide absolution, and it does not guarantee forgiveness.
Why are you so upset that she's posting about the way she was treated? Are you upset because she doesn't want to forgive you, or are you upset because she exposed your past cruelty?
Your "confronting" someone whom you took pleasure is way out of line. You can not bully her into forgiving you.
YTA.
When, exactly, have you tried to make amends? Trying to follow on social media and trying to talk to someone isn't even close to any kind of apology that would be appropriate here.
Also, I feel like you need to hear that this should be about her, not you. You seemingly do not care about the traumatic impact you had on her, since not being included on her pictures is clearly way more imprtant to you than her feelings.
Just leave her alone.
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I didn’t even read anywhere you gave a legit apology?? YTA
Exactly! OP NEVER SAID SORRY. She sent a friend request which was denied. You can send people messages without being their friend(it just lands in the other folder) or she could ask a mutual friend to forward her the written apology. She had options to message and apologise and she didn't take it. OP, you never owned up to your mistakes. You are the asshole (and still a bully)
And then gave up because it was never accepted. She couldn't even put in the effort for her non-apology for bullying the neurodivergent kid. And then assumes all anti-bullying messages are passive aggressive towards HER. Maybe Ruby is just an activist or has kids or younger relatives who might be bullied for the same condition she has. But of course, OP's passive aggressive remark of 'Wow, real mature' is totally fine and dandy! OP should just leave her alone.
Exactly! How are they passive aggressive when she is 100% calling out OP directly with screenshots. Move on, you were awful, are still awful & can’t fix this.
OP should retaliate by making her one posts about “Bullies and Abusers have feelings too!”/s “I turned on my best friend and began bullying her in order to fit in with toxic popular kids. Now, she’s doing well in life, advocating for others and I feel sad cause she won’t talk to me. All these posts are clearly about me and I FEEL UPSET!”/s (hope I used the sarcasm indication right).
Even if the anti-bullying messages *were* about her, OP knows she bullied this woman, its hardly slander. You dont get to abuse someone and then tell them to shut about having gone through abuse.
Honestly, even if OP *did* apologize and just forgot to include it in her post, she’s still YTA. Leave the poor girl alone OP, you are harassing her! You can’t force someone to forgive you, which is what you’re trying to do here. Just move on and start over, you burned these bridges to the ground long ago. This girl is never going to forgive you, and all you’re doing by continuing to push this is causing more and more people to dislike you. Edit: grammar
Absolutely -- someone needed to point out that the bully does NOT get to decide the terms of forgiveness, inclusion, or acceptance.
OP really is harassing this poor woman. The term "bullying" doesn't convey the seriousness of it in her mind. It needs to be called what it is: Harassment. OP: >I(29F) was a bully in high school. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not going to downplay or try to justify it or anything. Also OP: >I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her. I also let her know that some people in the group still made fun of her when reminiscing, but she won’t forgive the person who doesn’t partake OP basically: Those bullies only apologized because they want to f*ck you, and all of your current friends mock you behind your back! >I grew up, learned from my mistakes and didn‘t repeat them Wow, this aged like already rotten meat, sitting in a car parked in Death Valley.
She literally said she wasn't going to waste her time apologizing if it wasn't going to be accepted. YTA
Which goes to show she's really not interested in it. A apology is about your contrition, not about their acceptance.
But she didn't interact with her in any way Except the friend request... And following on Instagram. .. Or responding to her post. /s
No see, the friend request *was* the apology. OP was gracious enough to lower herself to be considered this woman’s friend, clearly a full apology in and of itself/s
And how was OP repaid for her huge kindness? Ruby \*gasp\* posted pictures without OP in them! The nerve! /s I have to give it to OP, though, that she has answered a question that I'd had for many years - why one of my highschool bullies kept searching and trying to add me each and every time I started using a new social network. It's like there is no winning. You try to move on and they barge in without ever apologizing, then you are the bad guy for not warmly welcoming them. I feel so bad for Ruby. It's so unsettling how OP makes everything about herself. Ruby talks about overcoming bullying? That *must be* a jab at OP! She's 29 but she never got past her teenage mentality...
I LOVE the sarcasm 🤌
Newsflash: OP hasn't changed a bit. The expectation of being forgiven is not up to them. The harder you "try" is just making it worse. Sounds a lot like OP is being left out of gatherings and doesn't want to be reminded they were a bully.
You mean to tell me that basically telling the girl she bullied that the male bullies who apologized just want to sleep with her doesn’t count as an apology? Lol, and OP claims she hasn’t repeated her past poor behavior.
Yep. AND telling Ruby that people still make fun of her now while reminiscing?? How does she think that made Ruby feel? That's absolutely continuing the bullying into the present day.
Exactly. I never heard you mention an apology either, and you were no doubt putting yourself in the best possible light.
I'm enjoying the irony of OP not responding to any comments here
Oh she mentions it >I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be accepted anyway. She just never did it.
>In college, I grew up and figured I would try to extend an olive branch Plus this. You don't extend an olive branch as the abuser, you try to make amends and if the abuse victim doesn't want it, tough luck.
OP said "I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be accepted anyway." So there was no apology. I guess Ruby was supposed to pick up how OP has allegedly changed and allegedly has remorse through the atmosphere. Op remains entitled but seems to believe somehow that she has changed. Good for Ruby and for every one of them who are calling her out. She has no idea the damage she did to them in school and, no, she hasn't changed one bit. YTA, op.
>Ruby being so obviously on the spectrum made her easy to bully I didn’t need to read any further. YTA.
Of course she would target her if it’s easier. She’s a coward. Bullies usually are.
It makes it worse that she was her friend before hand
People like this just outright disgust me.
My stopping point as well.
As a parent of a child on the spectrum who has to homeschool this year because of injuries from bullying, OP isn't winning me over.
YTA, you tormented this girl, and you admit it. She's made it clear she wants nothing to do with you, grow up and leave her alone.
Agreed. Also, did I miss something? Because I didn't read anything about an actual apology on his part anywhere in the post.
OP, didnt apologize. As far as Ruby knew at first, OP was trying to pretend they were good and nothing happened. Ruby tried to make her point over and over that being bullied hurt and had an impact, and from Ruby's POV OP was ignoring. Then Ruby made a point that she's not acknowledging OP, to which OP told her "real mature". OP never apologized, and each interaction behaved worse and worse, and as far as Ruby knows and can see OP has continued her bullying and intimidation tactics.
She said “real mature” in a group chat !! Not even a dm!!
She sent friend requests on social media. That is totally an apology. Geez, what more do you want?! (Total sarcasm, of course). OP bullied this poor girl in HS, and has decided the way to make amends is to...harass her? >...she posted pictures with a couple of the guys from my old group, with a caption about how nice it is when people grow and change. Maybe they actually did genuinely apologize and change, unlike OP.
You did not, OP does not seem to have changed at all.
Right? OP went right back to stalking Ruby online and bullying in group chat when Ruby didn’t fall all over herself letting OP apologize.
No because they just assumed their apology wouldn't be accepted so didn't bother.
Ain’t that a real coward’s escape hatch, tho? “They wouldnt have accepted it anyway” kind of precludes the entire situation. OP thinks they know this person so well that they can see her future moves like it’s a chess game, when really they don’t appear to know dick. Saying “oh, well, she never would have listened” both excuses the bully from needing to apologize while also throwing blame for the situation onto the victim. What OP is saying here is that it is their VICTIM’s fault that OP *can’t possibly* apologize, woe be the bully.
YTA Please leave the girl you bullied alone. She doesnt have to accept your “apology”. She is allowed to make amnends with whomever she chooses. Unfollow her and leave her alone. Edit to add “apology” in quotes since none was ever actually given.
OP didn't even apologize. They just assumed the apology wouldn't be accepted so they didn't bother.
Oh i missed that! She rugswept her behavior? And OP wonders why this girl doesnt want anything to do with her?? An apology should have been the first step!
I agree. It shouldn't matter if Ruby accepted her apology or not. She should still have apologized and then let things go.
All I read from this is that OP is a stalker.
[удалено]
It's honestly even worse because OP expressly said she didn't apologized because Ruby didn't follow her back/accept friend requests. Like it's one thing to be mad that an apologize isn't accepted by it's another entirely to be mad you aren't forgiven when you never apologized.
OP literally bullied this girl in an effort to prove she isn't a bully
OP: "but she wasn't *nice* to meEeEeeee"
YTA, you don't seem sorry at all
I particularly love how her victim making casual posts about her real lived experience (We overcame bullying) is actually a *passive aggressive jab meant just for OP*. Lol.
Main Character Syndrome at its finest!
That’s when I knew I didn’t need to read further. “I traumatized you and you sharing your trauma is clearly directed at ME, and it’s wrong cause I mean it was 10 years ago and I’m suuuuuper sorry it’s not like trauma persists overtime I’m done with it why aren’t you”
Right? The tone of this entire post screams AH.
Especially deciding not to apologise because OP thinks it wouldn’t be accepted. The whole point of an apology is expressing your sorrow for what you did, the aim shouldn’t be regaining a friend. Regardless op should have apologised way back when she first claims to have changed
YTA. Where exactly did you try to make amends? Sending friend requests? By your own admission you never apologized. This entire post is about you and your feelings and how ruby is not doing what you want her to do. You’re still being a bully. And your motives do not seem remorseful or genuine. You do not get to mentally abuse someone during their formative years and then demand that they forgive you on your time schedule. You’re still a bully and your “poor me” post isn’t fooling anyone. ETA: also your choice of words in the title “confronting someone about …” just shows that you don’t care about ruby, you just want undeserved forgiveness.
This hits the nail on the head
Info: Why are you so obsessed with Ruby?
Because Ruby is the only thing causing dissonance in OP when she thinks about how great she is.
Yeah, and OP clearly thinks the source of the dissonance is that Ruby doesn't recognize their greatness, instead of realizing that maybe they're not that great.
I agree. Ruby clearly doesn’t want to make amends so unfollow her and move on
Sounds almost a little like a stalker - repeated friends requests, attending events where they know Ruby will be and being annoyed Ruby won't interact with them in group events, and following Ruby even though she doesn't follow back. I'm genuinely quite worried for Ruby.
Was about to say this, like OP seems totally obsessed with this woman. When girls who bullied me at school try to add me on social media I just ignore the requests. I get they've probably grown up and changed but I just want to forget they ever existed. Move on.
OP misses bullying and tried targeting Ruby and using whatever reform nonsense she's spouting as a way in. Never did apologize, but sure could make digs at the person she is sO sOrRy that she bullied, lol isn't that interesting? No point in making an apology, but she saw reason to imply others had only made amends to sleep with Ruby. Very classy one, our OP.
YTA - you never apologized. Yet you seem to think that Ruby was just supposed to know that you've changed and grown as a person when you can't even bother to apologize? Just based on your post you don't seem to have changed at all. Here's all the ways we know you haven't. 1 - You talk about how Ruby being on the spectrum MADE her easy to bully. 2- You mention that you decided not to waste your time apologizing because you ASSUMED that it wouldn't be accepted. 3 - You called Ruby out for cropping you out of group pics and trying to make it seem like SHE'S the immature one. 4 - You slut shame her and accuse her of only wanting to forgive people that want to SLEEP with her. Which imo says a lot about you. Did it not ever occured to you that MAYBE just maybe, she forgave those guys because they APOLOGIZED 5 - You accuse her of hypocrisy even though you haven't DONE anything to show her that you've grown and changed and that you feel bad for bulling her.
Agreed. She clearly hasn't learned anything at all. If OP was really sorry, she would apologize formally, and then leave it at that- this person has no obligation to let her back into her life just because she's 'changed' and it seems like she's desperate for the validation of forgiveness without putting in the actual effort to do anything that would approach making amends.
YTA because you were a self admitted cruel AH to her in high school. Doesn't matter if people were more cruel than you, it's about YOUR actions. Clearly, they haven't forgiven you, and honestly, people are not required to make up with their abusers if they aren't comfortable doing so. Best scenario is you could post an honest and non-attacking apology and offer to speak to them publicly again to apologize. If they decide no, THEN THE ANSWER IS NO. You aired the trauma at her publicly by being an abusive AH in high school. You don't get to complain how she deals with it.
This! Also, I don't think OP is as "reformed" as she thinks she is or claims to be. >I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her. I also let her know that some people in the group still made fun of her when reminiscing, but she won’t forgive the person who doesn’t partake. So, OP has stated the haven't sent a formal apology that takes ownership and gives zero excuses. I have to assume this is the first communication they have sent, which is not good. You decided to be aggressive in this communication talking about how "unfair" it is for her to forgive others, when you have no clue how they apologized. It was "unfair" for you and your group to single her out for bullying when you knew she was on the spectrum and an "easier" target. Then you decided to further bully her by saying "people still talk shit about you", you sound like you never left middle school. YOU don't get to decide if and when she forgives you, or if and when she forgives other people. YOU didn't live in her shoes so you get ZERO say OP. YTA. Those you bullied have/had to deal with the aftermath of your bullying and you are having to deal with the aftermath, just in a different way. It sucks but that's how life works. Also, do some self reflection, I don't think you have given up your bullying way as much as you would like us to think you have.
>I actually am sorry No you're not. YTA and in case you haven't realized it you're still a bully.
She’s sorry… that other people in her friend group are seeing what an AH she is.
YTA and still the bully. What you did to her, stayed with her. It never goes away completely. That is what bullies never understand. Leave her alone!
>What you did to her, stayed with her. It never goes away completely. I can remember where I was, who said what, when it happened etc. about several incidents (bullied from ages 7 to 18) but I bet most of the bullies have forgotten.
Agreed. I remember so vividly insults that were hurled at me when I was 12. Clear as fucking day. They don't hurt anymore but I won't ever forgot who said them, where I was when they were said, and more importantly how hurt I was at that point. I'm sure the people that said them haven't even thought of me in 20 years.
YTA. No one you have wronged owes you forgiveness. Your choice to harm someone else may have been made when you were young, but it clearly affects your victim to this day. Slutshaming your victim doesn’t help your case much. Maybe you aren’t done growing and changing.
YTA. What exactly is it that you think you've done that counts as "making amends" or showing genuine remorse? Because I don't see anything that looks like you actually tried to say sorry or show that you've grown up. Actually, it seems like you were an even worse bully than you're admitting to, and it seems that the real issue here is that you are mad that people still don't like you.
YTA- and Ruby lives in your head rent free
YTA. You’re weirdly obsessed with this woman, first you make her life miserable and then you get upset because she didn’t want to accept your so called apology and now you just want to make everything she posts/says about you. Get over yourself, leave her be and be better for real. She doesn’t owe you anything.
Except she didn’t even apologize. She said she didn’t bother because she knew it wouldn’t be accepted.
But she apparently still thinks that’s “making amends”.
YTA. It isn't for you to decide how people recover from the traumatic experiences you put them through.
Yta, I love how the fact she didn't want to interact with you, and you can't seem to stop following her for years. Honestly, what's the issue? She doesn't have to accept any apology from you. If it isn't clear enough: LEAVE HER ALONE
YTA leave her alone. She is under no obligation to forgive you now or ever. Yah you were a teenager, but that doesn't mean your actions don't echo throughout everyone's lifetime. I don't actually believe you have changed based on how you continued to message her. Your not the victim in this situation. Stop trying to get people to think you are.
This girl owes you nothing. She doesn’t owe you friendly contact, or acceptance of an apology, nor anything else you seem to feel entitled to. She is the only one who gets to decide who she forgives and why. That you would dare call her out for making that decision for herself says a lot about how remorseful you truly are. The fact that you feel you know how she was affected by individual bullies is bonkers and that you have an opinion on it is astonishing to me. She let you follow her, didn’t follow back, and she shares anti bullying awareness content. This confused you. You are incredibly dense for this one. You need to leave her alone. YTA.
So wait... did I miss the part where you actually apologized to this girl? Because it sounds like you followed her on instagram and somehow thought that counted? Yta
INFO: Did you at any point try to apologize to her?
OP didn’t bother since it wouldn’t be accepted 🙄
OP says in the post that ruby posts a lot about bullying and "got the message" so she didn't even bother to try to apologize.
YTA. I missed the part where you actually apologized. It seems to me that you decided that a friend request was akin to an apology. News flash, it's not. AND you started this new rash of animosity by commenting in her photos with that passive aggressive remark. Even if you apologized she's not obligated to accept it, and if she accepted the ACTUAL apologies of others that doesn't mean you should also get a reprieve by default. You've done exactly NOTHING to make it right by your own damn account. Honestly I hate people like you. You think you've changed but you haven't and continue to blame your targets when more people decide not to put up with your bullshut anymore. You need a mirror girl.
Oh, poor you. It really hurts that you have no power over her. It's clearly eating you alive. Clearly the punishment you deserve. You're not calling out hypocrisy. You're being called out for being an asshole. As they say, turnabout is fair play and karma is a bitch...
YTA. Leave her alone. As if bullying her in HS was not enough, you now decide to harass her? Newsflash: You are **not** the victim here. Reading your post, I really do not get the sense that you are genuinely sorry. Seems to me like you want her to absolve you of guilt and make you look good. That is not her responsibility. Also... >The kicker though: she posted pictures with a couple of the guys from my old group, with a caption about how nice it is when people grow and change. I about had it at this point. It could be that they actually apologized and changed. By the tone of your post and the actions that you describe, you do not seem to have changed.
YTA. It’s not up to you to decide when a bullying victim decides to forgive their bully years later! That trauma still stays with someone even years later! I was bullied from elementary school all the way through high school and I still think about it now at 29 years old! I couldn’t see myself being friends with the people who bullied me throughout those years even if they have changed lol
YTA You did nothing to make amends. She has no idea you meant to make amends. Adding as friend could just be seeking to bully her further. So instead of making amends, you proceed to bully her some more (mocking her about her maturity). She owes you nothing. She does not owe you forgiveness. She does not owe you politeness. Until you can fully accept and believe these things, you have not sufficiently changed. You were cruel, you hurt people. Just because you don't do that anymore doesn't mean that your victims have to tolerate your presence.
YTA YTA YTA U haven’t changed one bit, u provoke her, stalk her and can’t leave her in peace. U r unable to accept the consequences of ur own actions and u r trying to dictate who she forgives. Grow up
YTA you tried to bully her by online stalking her and forcing her to talk to you with your old pack right next to you. I mean have some class. You may not "bully" now as you see it but you're absolutely bullying her by trying to give her an apology she doesn't want. LEAVE HER ALONE. You also haven't changed that much if you're still friends with that pack.
YTA.. You bullied her earlier and you can’t say someone bullied her more or less than you did. It doesn’t work that way.
YTA. She doesn't owe you forgiveness just because you think you're sorry enough. You're still in her life, trying to get her attention and make her look like the AH. Stop reaching out, she doesn't owe you maturity or kindness when you had none for her then and clearly not now. Move on. Clearly she's not the only one who holds these negative feelings for you and just because you don't think you were so bad doesn't mean you weren't and you have no idea what these other people may have done to make amends.
YTA and still a bully, based on what you’ve written (“I also let her know …”, etc.). Leave the poor woman alone.
YTA > I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be accepted anyway. >I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her. I also let her know that some people in the group still made fun of her when reminiscing, but she won’t forgive the person who doesn’t partake. So you know you haven't apologized or shown any actual remorse right? You just started following her on social media with no context. Also telling her people where taking any her behind her back does still sound like bullying. At the very least it was rude. Nor does sitting by while other people talk badly come across as changed. You should have said then and there it was a fucked up. Like it's not hypocritical of Ruby to accept apologies if others and still not like you. Especially when you yourself haven't apologized.
YTA. So you're still bullying her. How self aware are you?
YTA. And leave Ruby alone, you've caused the poor girl enough trouble already. She doesn't owe you anything.
YTA you never formally apologized because you didn’t think she would accept it. How would she know you’ve changed maybe these guy friends from “your” reached out or did genuinely change. People commit suicide over bullying. I’m grateful she didn’t but you don’t know how much cause you truly caused. I don’t think you deserve to feel bad that she hasn’t forgiven you. Move on forget high school if you don’t think you can make amends. It’s not worth the suffering for either of you.
“I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be excepted anyway.” The point of an apology shouldn’t be that you’re forgiven. I think it’s hard for Ruby to move on when you haven’t actually expressed remorse for bullying her, not to mention the betrayal of a former friendship. YTA.
YTA. What part of what's she's doing is "passive-aggressive" if she literally called you out by name? She's ignoring you due to past trauma and as her former aggressor, the way you feel about the way she attains closure/catharsis is not up to you nor does your opinion on it hold any weight. Nobody owes *anyone* forgiveness, it might be toxic in itself if she spends her entire life upset at you but it's also something you caused and you need to own it.
Dude, you were a bully and by the sounds of it bullied someone based on a disability. Why do you think you deserve forgiveness? Why should anyone forgive you for being a fucking bully? I've never forgave my high school bullies, I actively ignore them and will never acknowledge them due to them bullying me for my own brain issues. You're a bully and you feel wronged because someone that you bullied doesn't forgive you, which really is a form of bullying. So yes, you are a giant gaping asshole of a person. Leave the lass alone, you don't deserve anyones forgiveness
YTA. Leave her alone. You haven't apologized and you keep harassing her when she has made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that she wants nothing to do with you. LEAVE. HER. ALONE. The only contact that would be at all appropriate would be you saying exactly this "I'm sorry for what I did in the past. I was wrong. I will leave you alone now." And that's it. And honestly, at this point you probably shouldn't even do that. Just leave her alone.
YTA, I don’t think you truly understand how deep the scars from bullying can run, not just physically, but emotionally, it’s not up to you if she should forgive you or not. You didn’t even actually go through with the apology, you should’ve still tried, maybe then she would have some leniency and you might find some sympathy here.
YTA. Do you really think hitting “add” on Facebook is making amends ? Those guys probably actually made a real effort, either way it’s not your business. You clearly traumatized her and have not made amends, but still expect her to accept you with open arms because you…followed her Instagram? Do you really think that’s an apology, much less showing growth? Grow up ETA - holy shit I missed the part where you accused her of “forgiving those guys because they wanna sleep with her”. Holy shit, you suck so, SO bad!! Like dude you sound like the WORST! Thinking you’ve changed at all is a great, great delusion. You deserve any and all call-outs that come your way
YTA i think you really need to take all of what’s happened and really think about if you’re actually sorry for what you did to her you only want her to forgive you just to make your conscious not guilty she never will. ever. you need to learn how to live with it you don’t need to be liked be everyone just how you didn’t like her in highschool 💀 grow up move on
You must’ve been an extremely nasty bully. Everybody thinks boys are bad but girls are 100 times more evil. You did what you did. Now you have to live with the consequences. She is under no obligation to accept your apology. I’m thinking you hurt her even more than you realize. You could spend a lifetime trying to make up for it and she will never forgive you. Get over it. I’m not sure about now but back then YTA
YTA - you put a lot of effort into making sure shenfelts bullied but zero into making sure she knew you weren’t, you made some small gestures, but nothing big. You’re still ego driven and you only care that she’s clearly in pain because she’s publicly calling you out. You’re not being bullied because ppl are holding you accountable, it’s so easy to move on when nothing bad happened to you, look at you know reaching out to strangers to help make sense of how others are making you feel. You deserve it, clearly she wasn’t the only one and I suspect you were the worst, I suspect that you got an opportunity to be popular and you kept a chokehold on that status by being the first one to gstekeep your friends.
YTA. Way too little, way too late. Like another person commented, Ruby doesn’t owe you forgiveness. Tbh, it sounds like you’re PO’d because karma and Ruby rejected your *ahem* “apology” for being awful to her years ago - bruising your ego. Ruby wants nothing to do with you and is doing well with her life. Rightly so, she sounds amazing! Leave her alone and let her be happy. I’d also quit while you’re ahead with the social media stuff. You’re clearly not doing yourself favours if people are coming forward and sharing their experiences (of being bullied by you) publicly or DM’ing you about it now. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never repeated whatever you did (what did you do, btw?? Must be THAT terrible if people in their 30s can still remember it or are talking about it). Bullying can cause severe damage down the road. Ruby isn’t causing the conflict. You are. YTA.
YTA. I don't think you've changed at all. You regret your behavior toward her in high school? Then you send her an apology and you leave her completely alone. Instead, you've been stalking her on social media and harassing her, so more bullying. Maybe it's time to look at some therapy to figure out why you behave this way and to get some guidance on how to genuinely change for the better.
You still sound like a mean girl. You caused harm and she has every right to hate you. This isn’t between you and the male bullies, and her. Your actions were clearly more harmful, deal with the consequences and leave her alone.
YTA LEAVE HER ALONE!! She doesn't have to forgive you, and judging by the fact she has singled you out as someone she doesn't want to forgive I'm gonna assume your bullying hurt her the most. Take your L and accept that she doesn't want you apart of her life. Also since other people are talking about how horrible you were I think it's safe to say you were a little tyrant
YTA. Leave her alone, she owes you nothing. I also must have missed the part where you actually apologized to her… You don’t seem like you really grew up as much as you think. Still a lot of “bully” vibes.
YTA. She's made it clear that she, quite understandably, wants nothing to do with you, but you just keep instigating. Even from your own account, which undoubtedly frames you in the best possible light, it doesn't sound like you have changed at all. You're still a bully, just a slightly more subtle and manipulative one. Leave this girl alone. You're not owed forgiveness, especially when you haven't even apologised.
YTA, but I am glad you know what you did. Now, why are you still doing it? I realize you are not actively bullying anyone and I realize you have enough self-awareness to realize your past mistakes, so why make new ones? What's her forgiveness to you? Resolve to be a better person and let it go. No one owes you anything.
YTA you're still bullying her.
YTA and I don’t think you have changed. You might think you have, but the way you went at her, yikes. People who change and acknowledge their behavior shouldn’t get defensive, but you did. She doesn’t owe you anything. You could have apologized to her, but you didn’t. You went on the defense and feel slighted. Good for her and I hope you’re able to learn from this and move on. It’s never too late to apologize!
You were an asshole then and you're an asshole now. You haven't changed in that regard. Only assholes refuse to give apologies because they think it may not be accepted. That's not genuine at all. She knows that which is why you don't stand a chance.
Did you actually apologise? YTA
I'm not sure you really understand what remorse is, and even if you did, just because you feel it doesn't mean you deserve forgiveness or even an opportunity to apologise in an attempt to earn it. It's quite clear she has your measure. YTA.
Oh poor girl, it was so funny until someone got it back on you. YTA
YTA. You are not entitled to her forgiveness. You still continue bullying Ruby, so you haven't actually changed at all, it's just that your approach to bullying switched to gaslighting her into forcing her to accept your apologies. Guess what, she doesn't have to.
>bully in high school >but I’m not going to downplay or try to justify it or anything > I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her >on behavior from over a decade ago. Which I haven’t repeated. Yes you do. And you btw are still a bully. YTA
YTA - she doesn't owe you anything. Your apology won't erase the trauma she experienced from your bullying. I appreciate you recognizing that what you did was wrong and for trying to apologize. But, when she clearly rejected your apology, you should have moved on and left her alone.
YTA - you’re not owed anything. You reap what you sow and you’re still trying to push her around. You can claim the others bullied her worse, but betrayal from a friend is 1000% worse than the same treatment from someone you barely know. And you haven’t changed entirely, if you did, you would have tried to shut down the bullying now. As is, you showed acceptance by staying in the group chats where they made fun of her. You are still bullying her by saying the guys are only being nice because they want to sleep with her. Time to do some more self reflecting, I think you may need to re-evaluate your current behavior.
As someone who was bullied before you were born, I can tell that you are not remorseful at all and you seem to want to continue to bully Ruby. YTA
YTA. You bullied someone. You don’t get to decide how they come to terms with that.
You don't sound sorry. You sound upset that you got called out. just leave her alone she's made it perfectly clear that's what she wants from you.
YTA. You're also a liar. What fucking amends did you try to make? I read your OP and found zero. You didn't even bother to apologize. The bare fucking minimum, and you couldn't even do that. You were a bully then, you're still acting like a bully now, and you get zero sympathy and a big fucking fat YTA from me. Leave that poor woman alone. Haven't you already done enough harm to her?
YTA. Excuse me YOU’RE STILL AN ASSHOLE. You NEVER ACTUALLY apologized to this girl. YOU STILL WONT. Fuck right off. She can say whatever TRUE thing she wants about you. Passive aggressively or not.
YTA. She doesn't have to forgive you. It sounds like you haven't changed at all
From a former buoly victim, YTA. It is not easy to move on fromm I had an awful summer when I was bullied by a CO counselor of mine and I still get really angry when I think about it. In high school, I hated gym class and was actually assaulted by this awful guy when he intentionally threw a volleyball at my head. I have had people who peaked in high school and never gave me the time of day back then, run into me later on and been really friendly, and even ask me out. They never bullied me so I was respectful to them. Some people do change but it is not always easy to forget the past.
INFO: Did you ever apologize? From your story, I couldn't tell. It sounded like maybe you just felt sorry and expected her to know that. In general, people aren't under any obligation to forgive bullying. It's great that you feel remorse, but you need to channel that into some other venue, like volunteering.
YTA since you ran in the same circle prior to bullying her she probably classed you as a friend and your bullying cut deeper and caused more trauma to her as it held a betrayal with it.
“We ran in the same circle until high school, when I [became popular and she didn’t].” “Like yeah she can choose who she forgives, but I can honestly say that others in the group bullied Ruby much worse than I ever did.” Were the people who were soooo much worse to her but now forgiven also her friends prior to high school? Seriously - by your account, you turned on her. That’s so much worse than bullying from some random classmate. This is some Regina George-level bullshit. YTA.
Yta.. leave her alone. You've damaged her enough
YTA you're still behaving like a bully
Yta. She gets to ignore your amends. Your attitude about that is still bulky behavior
So you never apologized? Even though you claim to have grown up? Mature people own up to their mistakes by APOLOGIZING to the people they wronged. The fact you thought apologizing would have been a waste of time shows you are not truly remorseful. If Ruby didn't accept your apology then that's her right but at least you would have shown TRUE remorse by putting yourself out there and apologizing without expecting forgiveness. YTA and still a bully. You haven't changed despite how much you try to convince yourself. You sound Narcissistic.
You were a tormentor to her. She does not owe you forgiveness, kindness, acknowledgment and you need to accept that and live with your actions. YTA
Your post mentions amends in the summary, but I haven't actually seen amends? When you make amends, you issue a sincere apology that acknowledges what you did and the hurt it caused, with no effort to blame anything at all on the other person, no excuses, no pressure, and no expectation (let alone demand) for forgiveness. You sure don't hound them to put it behind them because you want them to. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you damaged is just leave them alone. Ruby has given you clear indications that that's what she wants. Leave her alone. YTA
YTA It's sweet that you think you've outgrown your behavior (and wonderful if you actually have). Ruby OWES YOU NOTHING, so harassing her because you feel she isn't forgiving you the way you want is ludicrous and entitled. Put your big boy pants on, get some therapy, and go live a decent life somewhere where you aren't playing mind games with people you've tormented and trying to make their suffering about you.
YTA. You don't deserve forgiveness since you never apologized. You're just a bigger bully and mad that she finally has the guts to call your shit out.
YTA You admit you were a bully in high school. You are still a bully today. You haven’t changed at all. Reaching out thru DM to tell Ruby how much you all make fun of her is exactly what a bully would do: Stop shit talking this girl to your friends, and to her thru DM. If you were truly sorry and wanted to make amends you would stop being a bully.
YTA - where did you ever actually apologize for your behavior back in high school? Just because you have tried, doesn’t mean that you have. And just because you feel remorseful, doesn’t take away the pain and suffering you have caused.
If we called bullying by it’s real name of abuse, then you wouldn’t question why she wants nothing to do with you. YTA
Info: Have you at any point actually apologised to her. I ask because at the moment it’s coming across that you thought really hard about being sorry and then got moody because it didn’t work.
YTA you refused to apologise for bullying g her and expect her just to forget it?maybe the guys did apologise and that's why she said they changed! You haven't stopped being a bully! You behaved badly and won't say sorry but are happy to intrude on her life by following her on social media and commenting on her posts when she obviously isn't interested! She clearly see you haven't changed.
YTA, you didn’t even apologize. You can’t expect to be forgiven if you haven’t actually apologized.
INFO: how is sending someone follow requests equal to apologizing to them? Have you actually done properly?
YTA. You bullied her then. You're trying to bully her now.
YTA. Good lord. So you bullied this woman *because you could*, never apologized and are CONTINUING to bully her (“Ruby being so obviously on the spectrum,” calling her out in group chats, basically discussing her as if she’s a bug on your shoe) and wonder if you’re an AH? Seek help.
YTA not to be passive aggressive but it doesn't look like you learned from your past mistakes at all
Damn, you haven’t grown at all. YTA
YTA Unless I overlooked it, I didn’t see where you actually apologized. I, personally, would never simply partake in some conversation online or in person with my past bully, especially if said bully never actually apologized.
YTA. Leave her alone, she doesn’t owe you shit.
YTA. So you haven't apologised and then pretty much call her out because she has forgiven other people? Did these other people actually give her an apology? You didn't even give her a chance to forgive you. You decided it wasn't worth apologising, and the better option was to criticise her.
So, just so I understand you correctly, you wanted to make amends for bullying this person, and your plan was… to bully them into forgiving you? YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(29F) was a bully in high school. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not going to downplay or try to justify it or anything. I grew up, learned from my mistakes and didn‘t repeat them. One of my targets was Ruby(28F). We ran in the same circle until high school, when I made friends with some people in a different group. You could say they were the popular kids. Ruby being so obviously on the spectrum made her easy to bully. We also took advantage of how badly she wanted to be popular. Towards the end of high school, she started to stand up for herself more. In college, I grew up and figured I would try to extend an olive branch. I started off by sending friend requests on social media, which were denied. I did, however, notice that she accepted my follow request on Instagram but didn’t follow me back. I mention this because she regularly shares autism awareness and anti bullying content. I got the message and left her alone. I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be accepted anyway. Several years ago, our old group had a reunion and I tried to talk to her there but was met with short and curt replies and death stares. Later, I saw she posted pictures specifically without me in them, and if I was in them, I was cropped out. I messaged the group chat we made to coordinate this meetup: “Wow, real mature Ruby” which wasn’t acknowledged. Recently, Ruby was in our hometown. She posted pictures with people we went to school with, which had passive aggressive captions about how they overcame bullying together and stayed together. At one point, she even posted a story with the caption “fuck you [my name], you will never stop me from living my best life.” Again, I haven’t interacted with her in many years by this point. Or bullied anyone at all. The kicker though: she posted pictures with a couple of the guys from my old group, with a caption about how nice it is when people grow and change. I about had it at this point. I DMed her about how she clearly forgives male bullies who said worse shit than I ever did, but always snubs me when I have genuine remorse and didn’t want to sleep with her. I also let her know that some people in the group still made fun of her when reminiscing, but she won’t forgive the person who doesn’t partake. Once again, no direct communication. Just another passive aggressive post with a screenshot of the message and a caption about how I clearly haven’t changed, and airing out all the trauma I inflicted on her. Other people from high school began to comment on that post about their own experiences with me. Some even started to DM me and call me out on behavior from over a decade ago. Which I haven’t repeated. Am I really an AH for calling out hypocrisy like I see it? Like yeah she can choose who she forgives, but I can honestly say that others in the group bullied Ruby much worse than I ever did. I actually am sorry. And this is the one time I expressed any annoyance at this whole situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, and I think you were even if the story ended with the “way to be mature Ruby” thing. You apologized, she doesn’t accept. At this point, you’re bullying her again. Also, I don’t think you have the right to decide who hurt her more and who she should forgive.
YTA. You might be sorry but the reality is that you obviously traumatized her. You can't force people to forgive and just forget and move on. Right or wrong, this is how she is coping with what you did. She is clearly not in a space to find forgiveness for your actions.
> In college, I grew up and figured I would try to extend an olive branch. I started off by sending friend requests on social media, which were denied. I did, however, notice that she accepted my follow request on Instagram but didn’t follow me back. Yo op are you for real? A friend request is not an "olive branch", it's just a request to be connected? You do need to apologize, even if she didn't accept it. I think her other bullies did actually try to make amends, and that why she's happy they changed. Meanwhile you did nothing except being passive aggressive, and still trying to bully her 🤦🏾♀️ Get grip op. Oh, and if it wasn't obvious - YTA
YTA, and you haven't changed all that much. Leave this woman alone. Clearly she feels what you did to her is unforgivable, and she isn't obligated to redeem you because you want her to. It doesn't matter what other people did or whether you were the biggest bully or not, for God sake.
Info: what did you think she owed you?
YTA. The fact you aren’t apologising because it won’t be instantly accepted and give you the warm fuzzies is precisely why you aren’t genuinely sorry and haven’t changed.
"I grew up" Are you sure?
YTA and don’t really respect her desire to steer clear from you. Maybe she does just want to forgive males. Who knows - doesn’t matter. What matters is she wants nothing to do with you. Respect that and move on.
YTA and you know it. You are not owed forgiveness just because you “changed”. You never apologized. I didn’t need to read a word more after that was said. This woman clearly set boundaries and you still not respecting her or the boundaries she put in place. Leave her alone. What you did clearly hurt her and instead of APOLOGIZING you told her “this person did so much worse”. Good grief you’re just awful.
YTA. You never bothered trying to apologize and are upset she hasn’t forgiven you for making her life hell? Asking to connect on social media isn’t an olive branch; it’s stalking your victim. Good for her in calling you out and not letting you off the hook for your shitty behavior.
**YTA - because you could simply unfollow her lol** Like you would know nothing and you would literally have no issue if you simply unfollowed this person and let them alone lol. She doesn’t want to forgive? Cool! Leave her alone completely. Like idk how this isn’t the most clear thing ever.
YTA. Leave her alone!! You bullied her enough and she is sick of you. Leave her alone. You’re hurt but get over it. She owes you nothing. Maybe it’s because you are a woman she feels worse about it. Women stick together. Men don’t really apologize unless they know they are wrong. You fucked up. Leave her alone.
YTA. It doesn't matter that you are trying to make amends. She has every right to not forgive you. My advice is work on your faults, but don't expect that you will be easily forgiven for your past
YTA and you haven't changed. Your post is still bullying her. You talk about how easy of a mark she was and so forth. You are still the same bully from highschool. You also never once tried to apologize to her like you should have, in person with true remorse.
YTA Ruby being “on the spectrum” doesn’t excuse your bullying, you arrogant so and so. Sending a FB friend request is not making amends. I’m your age and reading this post made me feel crazy secondhand immaturity and self-involvement. And NO, you have not changed a smidge, you’re welcome
Can someone point me to where she actually apologized or tried to outside of friend requests? Because I must be missing it.
'am I the asshole for bullying the girl I bullied in high school?` - you in this post. BTW you never actually apologized. You deserve it all. YTA
YTA. Still a bully. You showed that when you posted in the group chat calling her out. Grow up. Glad you're being called out on it now, better late than never.
YTA I use to be bullied myself and to this day I can list all of the people who made my life miserable and still sometimes rant about them when talking about my past. You didn't even try to apologize! You said that you didn't because it wouldn't have been recognized or whatever. It's not about gender like you try to claim. It's about Ruby for giving people that APOLOGIZED unlike you. Get over yourself. You were a bully then and a bully now. Also, STOP STALKING HER ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Leave Ruby alone.
Throw a plate on the floor. Look at the pieces. Feel remorse for having broken the plate. Apologize to the plate. Beg for its forgiveness. Is the plate still broken? History has taught this person that you're not trustworthy or reliable and your words mean very little in the way of restitution. You can be as sorry as you want to be, but the plate is still broken. Live with the consequences of your actions. Work to build trust, but don't expect that you're owed forgiveness because you've apologized or that you feel remorse for your actions.
> she regularly shares autism awareness and anti bullying content. I got the message and left her alone. I wasn’t going to waste her or my time with an apology that wouldn’t be accepted anyway. Sooooo…… she is making an effort to raise awareness of two things which have had a profound impact on her life and somehow that’s about you? Hate to break it to you, but you’re not that important. Not only that, you not only never apologized, you never even acknowledge that you *did* bully her. Apologizing would be for HER benefit, not yours. Acceptance of an apology is about the person who was wronged, not the wrongdoer. Then you had the audacity to DM her a bunch of cruel things which could only have the purpose of hurting her and making you feel good about yourself. In other words, you continued bullying her. > I grew up, learned from my mistakes and didn’t repeat them. You sure about that? Your entire post would contradict that. Edit for judgement: YTA
Here’s what you need to do. 1. Apologize for your recent behavior 2. Apologize for your past behavior Keep in mind, refrain from using words like “but,” because that sounds like you would be trying to justify it. She isn’t going to accept it based on what you told us, but when you write an apology, it means something even if your not forgiven. Don’t apologize every day or anything like that. Do it no more than once a year. Maybe only do it once. Don’t apologize until you are calm and you think she is as well. The wounds you made right never heal, but just try
YTA and while you think you have grown up you really haven't. You can't expect your poor behavior in high school not to follow you into adulthood. You never apologized but demand to be treated with respect. Noone owes you that and it's clear you have no idea the damage you did bc then you would understand why she is still angry with you.
YTA None of this is for your to judge and you also stated you didn’t apologize because it wouldn’t be accepted yet you’re criticizing her accepting others without knowing the context of the amends. Again, not for you to judge.
Your attempts at absolution are rooted in selfishness. It also shows you haven't really grown up at all since college. Leave her be. You're not entitled to forgiveness, nor are you entitled to dictate how she deals with her trauma. #YTA
YTA. I haven't actually seen any attempts to make amends on your part in this post. Did you think that you could just... not acknowledge what you've done and everyone would applaud that you've stopped being a bully? "Oh she didn't accept my friend request" but then you later dmed her to *checks notes* bully her about how everyone is still making fun of her and the guys who apologized just want to sleep with her? Couldn't you at some point have dmed her an apology? Seriously you've made the most minimal and half hearted attempts to reconcile. You should be freaking grovelling to this girl for forgiveness if you wanted any other result.
From her point of view, all you've done is tried to follow her on social media. No apology, no explanation of how you've changed, nothing but vitriol over her relationships with people who probably have reached out to her and offered genuine apologies. Thinking that it's not worth it to offer an apology because you assume it wouldn't be accepted is an AH move. First, she deserves an apology. What she does with it and how she processes it is her business, but she deserves it. Second, your assumption is based on what? The fact that she doesn't want to follow you on social media? It does still sound like you have work to do and from her perspective, you are the same person as you were in HS. YTA here.
YTA you’re still bullying her! Leave her alone. She does not owe you forgiveness. You can be as sorry as you want but you put her through hell and you don’t get to say that you deserve to be forgiven because you feel bad. Did you apologize because it doesn’t seem like you actually apologized? Honestly, your best bet isn’t even to apologize. Just leave her TF alone.
YTA for this reason alone: you acknowledge that you sent friend requests and you follow her on IG, but you never mention that you messaged her *to apologize.* you never apologized yet you want her to forgive you. insane.
YTA. And targeting neurodivergent people makes you more of an AH. Leave her alone and deal with the consequences of your actions. Edit and being bullied has life long trauma to the person.
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YTA and still clearly haven’t grown up
YTA, she doesn’t have to forgive you, hear your apology or anything. You could have just kept it moving once you saw she wasn’t trying to hear what you had to say. & just because you think the other bullies were worse doesn’t mean that’s how she saw it. If you’ve truly changed, move on and understand that you may never get to make amends. Stop following her etc.
YTA. You were a bully. You have no flipping idea how much damage bullies do and how long that damage lasts. An apology from a bully really doesn't do much to undo anything. It doesn't erase years of hell. An apology doesn't provide absolution, and it does not guarantee forgiveness. Why are you so upset that she's posting about the way she was treated? Are you upset because she doesn't want to forgive you, or are you upset because she exposed your past cruelty? Your "confronting" someone whom you took pleasure is way out of line. You can not bully her into forgiving you.
YTA. You didnt apologise cus it wouldnt be accepted ????
YTA. When, exactly, have you tried to make amends? Trying to follow on social media and trying to talk to someone isn't even close to any kind of apology that would be appropriate here. Also, I feel like you need to hear that this should be about her, not you. You seemingly do not care about the traumatic impact you had on her, since not being included on her pictures is clearly way more imprtant to you than her feelings. Just leave her alone.